I’m sorry but if you’re a serial cheater and you’re openly not capable of being monogamous relationship stop getting involved in monogamous relationships.
I don't know, cheating implies a breach in trust. If communications and intentions are open, and if it is decided upon that the relationship is gonna be monogamous, then cheating is absolutely wrong. In Allison's case, I think it was probably the best case scenario, because unlike others, he didnt promise to be faithful but to try. Like Gab, I hate those who break promises and be made a fool of.
cadr003 there are a lot of ways to break trust in a relationship but for some reason cheating holds the biggest weight to ending a relationship. Deffo if you want monogamy and your partner doesn’t that’s a dealbreaker, but some people might find they can work with a more open relationship if they have a say in the ground rules. I told my husband a long time ago that if he should ever cheat I want him to know I would prefer to never find out. He and I are monotonous but we committed to a life time together and I know mistakes can happen. It wasn’t permission for him to cheat but it was me acknowledging that logically I can forgive an infidelity but emotionally I would rather not know.
Also there are different ways of defining cheating. To me cheating means "breach" the "contract" you have with the other person. So, in an open relationship, sleeping with someone else wouldn't be cheating. Definitely something to talk about beforehand.
cadr003 true. Our family had a recent incident . Being from a conservative household love marriages r considered a taboo so when this family girl wanted to marry her BF they lied to the family saying it's arranged marriage, but the fam got to know it's not. Now they r mad as hell n feel they been made a fool of. Honestly there's no winning with it even if the girl said the truth the family will look down upon them so she had to lie. It's the same with couples ppl don't wanna be fooled but neither can they take the truth. U may like someone n want to spend ur life with them but still would like to experiment sexually with different ppl, do u think the partner will be ok with it? Even when it's a one time thing If u tell them they'll say yes? It's encouraging to lie to be in relationship with someone. There's no good way out, other than forced monogamy.
Allison acknowledging that people in relationships can be attracted to other people had me shook 🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼 #characterdevelopment I was as excited as Gaby!! Great video, you two!
not intimidated by someone who just admitted they couldnt get one person interested in them. Shoulda made a second account to call me a fag instead of unleashing that insult after revealing such a vulnerable fact about yourself :(
Should I believe that last part though? Because I do. I fully believe you'll show up to my house with many beautiful women who are interested in you and call me a fag, and I'm looking forward to it.
Some want monogamy. Sone don't. If one's behaviour indicates polyamorous tendencies, either accept that about them or move on. Don't try to change them. The whole point of dating is to find out if y'all are compatible. When you're obviously objectively not compatible, don't try to make them someone they are not. They will resent you for that. Maybe you think your way is better for them. I doubt that. Just let them be them. So many relationships suffer from this. Stop fixing ppl. They don't need fixing.
Totally here for the more real talks and the longer-form content. It's also kinda awesome to watch "real-time" personal development of people you respect.
Hey I know neither of you will never see this but if you do, just know that you have changed my life. I know it’s so sappy but really you have. I discovered just between us when I was struggling badly with my anxiety and sexuality. Although I am a bit better now I don’t know if I could have gotten through probably the hardest year of my life without you. When I had a panic attack I would literally just watch hours of skits and “International Question” videos. I thank you more then you could ever know.
This delusion some people have that your significant other should never (or could never) be attracted to anyone else is, ultimately, unhealthy. And, quite frankly, if your person only finds you attractive, then he or she is only with you by default. It says more about someone's integrity, fidelity, and love if your significant other CHOOSES to be faithful and monogamous with you when there is an infinite number of other people he or she could be with instead of you. I'm glad Allison has learned to let that notion go. That being said, cheating is never okay.
I was commenting on when Allison said the following: "I guess what I've completely let go of is the idea of pretending that neither of you are attracted to other people." (3:08-3:17) I'm glad she said she let go of that notion because I know a lot of people who think that way.
In the past when I was younger I cheated in multiple relationships But I've gone through other relationships even ones that lasted years now and haven't cheated at all
My ex and I were in a monogamous relationship when he told me he thought he was poly. Before we could even work on figuring something out, he was soliciting sex from people online. I broke up with him because monogamy is important to me, and it was clear that he wasn't even considering my feelings. He later told me that it was 100% okay for him to cheat on me because he was poly.....even though we had agreed to monogamy and he went behind my back.
It’s not that I think once someone cheats they’re always going to cheat (I don’t believe the whole “once a cheater always a cheater”), but the issue is once my significant other cheats they’ve lost my trust. It’s really difficult if not impossible to build up trust once it’s been lost so if someone were to cheat on me the relationship would be over, not because I believe they’re an irreconcilable cheater and can never get better, but because the trust would be gone in the relationship and honestly a relationship without trust is way too exhausting. It’s just so much mental and emotional energy, the worrying and wondering. If I can’t trust you I can’t be in a relationship with you because it would honestly be a terrible relationship for the both of us (with me always worrying about what you’re doing when you’re out and you having to deal with me constantly checking up on you)
for me, cheating is the be all end all. especially cheating in a non monogamous relationship. im always open with all of my partners about seeking other partners as long as they talk to me about it. i just feel like if you cheat on someone you dont respect them at all.
Cheating is someone’s way of saying “You weren’t enough for me so I found someone else to satisfy my needs.” And if you’re not satisfying that persons needs, then why stay with them? If you’re in a loving relationship, then you both should be enough for each other
Cheating is usually a sign of underlying issues in a relationship, where a person will instinctively (or knowingly) outsource to satisfy their needs. But I don't think it means "you aren't enough for me" 100% of the time. Our partner isn't always going to be there when we need them, and we all need to be able to take care of ourselves and rely on the right people in appropriate ways when that happens. When we're not able to do that, cheating is often the result.
In that case, what's so wrong with acknowledging that someone doesn't satisfy every need? Most people have more than one friend, and plenty of people will "emotionally" cheat without realising it. Yet, we hold romantic relationships to a standard that one person should be everything to someone else. But that's not always possible, and puts a lot of pressure on both people in that relationship. For example, if one partner doesn't like to cuddle because they get too warm and uncomfortable, does that mean the person they're seeing, should never be able to find someone else that they can cuddle? They should pretend they don't still long for that on occasion? And that could breed resentment in the long term, if that relationship is closed (monogamous) and strict in it's rules. Often times, people are fearful to even bring up how much they feel they're missing out on by being with a certain partner exclusively, especially if that person is otherwise a great fit. This is merely food for thought, as your comment indicated you're holding onto pretty narrow concepts that we're taught within society, and I hoped asking you some questions and giving you this example could lead to you further examining these concepts and seeing if they truly do suit you. I wish you well but won't be replying and continuing this exchange. Good vibes!!
in that case, it's not only the cheater's fault or wrong-doing, it's the fault of all parties in the relationship because there's miscommunication, lack of understanding and satisfaction. relationships are a two way street my friend, it's never just the fault of one person
Hey folx, they are not saying cheating is ok. They are saying maybe monogamy isn't for everyone, and if someone is constantly cheating then perhaps they should consider non-monogamy/polyamory.
Yeah but they make it seem like it’s their partner’s decision to say “oh maybe monogamy isn’t for him/her I should either leave if i’m not okay with that or stay but expect to be cheated on” whereas I believe it would be this person’s duty to say “oh maybe monogamy isn’t for me, I should get out of this monogamist relationship before I cheat on my partner”
To me, cheating is breaking the rules of your relationship. If you're in an open relationship, sleeping with others is within set boundaries. If the rules are "look but don't touch," then looking isn't cheating. But also, the boundaries set for a relationship is about the "spirit" of the rule, so to speak. For instance, in the "look but don't touch" scenario, the point is recognizing that attraction isn't under your control. However, checking out every person under the sun isn't in the spirit of the rule - it abuses it in the same way competitors might take advantage of rules to get ahead. But relationships aren't a game, so... Don't Hussle.
I've recently discovered my partner keeps being unfaithful. I feel like I'm dying. We have a son and a home together. It absolutely breaks my heart. People that cheat do not deserve happiness.
I think this is such an interesting topic! It makes me think about my own life and situations I’d be okay with. I’m super huge on honesty and I’d want to know if someone cheated on me and all of the details but I still don’t think I would be okay with it. However, I’ve been monogamous with my boyfriend for almost 6 years so at this point, it would be a complete violation of our relationship so it’s maybe different than if I was in a different kind of relationship. BUT, like Allison, I love to talk about beautiful men and women with my boyfriend.
Wanting monogamy isn't an indicator of "insecurity" anymore than polyamory is an indicator of being emotionally inavailable. It's a sexual orientation. Doesn't mean a monogamous person never cheats, just that they wouldn't be comfortable with it in the long term. Like pretty much any issue in a relationship one can make an attempt to work through it or just end it.
Hi A and G, I suffer from major depression and complex PTSD. You both being so open about mental illness really helped motivate me to go to the proper forms of therapy and medication. Thanks for posting such personally open content. I’m also grey sexual and have found comfort in your show. ❤️ ps. Looking Allison!
Woa woa woa here. Monogamy is akin to insecurity? I’m sorry, Gabs, but let’s not forget that just like it’s perfectly fine and cool for you to be poly, monogamy is perfectly fine and cool and does not equal insecurity. Idk if you covered that in your vid, but the way you worded that left a bit to be desired.
I love this. I haven't watched a video of your guys' in a while and I'm so happy you're talking about non-monogamy. It's such a beautiful thing and a viable option that can resolve cheating turmoil. Granted there's a strong open line of communication. But yes, no lying. Respect first and foremost. 🖤
I’m 100% against cheating no matter what. If someone wants monogamy, and the other person doesn’t, they shouldn’t be together. It’s just not gonna work. And for me, if the trust is broken, it’s just over by default.
Just popping in to say that I LOVE the show's new concept. Like, I've been around for a while, been around when you switched to JBU 3.0, loved it from the get-go, and now I just want to say it out loud and be like hey, thanks for having interesting conversations with each other in front of a camera. Always insightful and thought-provoking
I just want to say how much I appreciate the way Gaby has defined "non-monogamy" within the polyamorous concept, I feel like it has really helped me understand my own relationship's needs
Title does not indicate the actual conversation, which I found irritating. I almost didn't watch because I agree with you. But the actual conversation was much more nuanced about cheating and whether it's something a relationship can handle.
Is cheating ever okay? Nope Does it have to be the end of a relationship or are there ways to work through it? Depends The video is more about the latter than the former which makes the title misleading. Just because cheating occasionally results in solvable issues doesn't make it okay.
This is such a crazy concept to me, if I'm in a relationship with someone where we already discussed being monogamous and they betray that I'm just gonna be super done immediately
Someone discloses to you they have an STD and you consent to sex with them with full knowledge of the risks. Versus not doing that or saying they are monogamous when they are putting you at risk that you don't know about. They need to let you make an informed decision. -g
Just Between Us Thanks for taking the time to reply. But I feel like there's a subtle but important difference between consenting to having sex with someone who has an STD and consenting to getting an STD. With the former, it seems that the person is consenting to having protected sex knowing it's not a 100% safe versus the latter which makes it seem like the person is totally into getting an STD. But I understand what you're saying. Thanks.
Adebisi Akinyemi There are some folks who are totally okay with getting an STD, I think the term is 'bug chasers'. But what Gaby said is 'not consenting to *maybe* getting an STD' which is a risk anyone takes (and implicitly consents to) when they have sex with anyone.
I feel like this is such an interesting conversation to have, honestly, am I'm glad you both are having it with what feels like such an open dialogue. It is a hard conversation because I try to imagine others complexly and understand that humans have faults and err. But also? In instances where there has been a consensual decision to not do anything with someone outside of the relationship...it is a breach of trust. But each situation and person will be different in how they respond and each relationship is different...so I feel like it really comes down to the unique relationship and having healthy and honest communication.Basically, point being, thank you for having this conversation! :)
Just, I thought the longer videos would suffice, but getting to know you both better with the less-scripted content makes me just want more ._. Aish, loving your channel and you guys as always ^~^
I'm non monogamous but I've watched someone I really care about be cheated on and I just can't excuse it. Don't fucking lie about it, esp when it's obvious.
A&G, Thanks for this illuminating and eye opening exchange: "Letting go of the idea that neither of you are attracted to other people." To me, that's the first step of acceptance (maybe it's cause this luxury has been afforded to me by my bf)
My dudes! For some reason i always think about what she said in that episode when i think about cheating, so I'm really glad you guys elaborated on this.
I relate to Allison so much in this video. I am always more insecure about exes because of the things they know and experiences they shared. And I also LOVE talking to people about who they find attractive and so many guys I’ve dated have found me crazy because of it. I think they think it’s a trap.
At this point, please just extend to an hour with no edits and make it a podcast because I would def listen to you two talk on the way to work like every morning. Huge fan!
I miss JBU so much I totally get that Allison and Gaby are crazy busy now with new endeavours but man I used to tune in every monday and thursday and that shit made my week! Now that I'm working full time again like last summer i'm just getting super nostalgic for all the great content! Also I finally was able to read I hate everyone but you and it was so good (hit very close to home regarding my college experience.. mostly from Allison/Ava's perspective) and now I just miss these girls so much. Hope you guys are still collabing and doing things together and DEFINITELY going to write another amazing book pleeeaaseeeee
There is a difference between finding someone attractive, and cheating. I can find another guy attractive but I don't have the need to pursue him, because I am happy with my boyfriend. (He is funny and attractive and attentive and is everything I'm looking for (I know that's sappy and shit and you might not believe me, but that's honestly not my problem)) . Doesn't mean I can't find someone attractive, but it does mean I don't have the need to go look for something else. The lying about it is defitnetly a no go, but for me, cheating is the end of a relationship, there isn't a valid excuse for it. Like, what would make it okay? I also don't really get why once would be okay, but twice wouldn't. If you can understand it once, why not more? I don't get it, maybe the dating life in America is different then here, or maybe it's just me, but I get to know people before I start dating them, so you can build a relationship of trust and you can understand them better, so you might see threw his lies and attitude or whatever, before hooking up. Or you know, maybe I'm old fashioned on this subject, who knows. Weird video. Like this kind of videos and love hearing your opinions on it, just don't agree with this one.
A thing that me and my husband do is point out people that we think is attractive to each other (either celebrities or some random person and it can be both male or female) and most of the time the other's response is, "Oh, totally." We never understand how some other couples would be mad over something like that. Finding someone attractive =/= cheating.
I love this new format so much 0.0 Hey could you guys talk about the spectrum of relationships within non-monogomy? I'm curious about people who are solo poly versus couples who have a hierarchy and stuff like that.
I’m beginning to believe no one is capable of being monogamous. That’s what I want in a relationship. I’m fully open about it right away, I tell them if they want someone else to let me go. Just got out of a thing with a guy who always told me he was okay with it and always said we were monogamous. Because I have an IUD, and he said he was clean, we weren’t using protection. After we broke up, I find out from multiple sources that he’s a serial cheater AND he knows has herpes and has passed it to multiple women. #trashperson This is why I don’t trust people. Thank god I’m still clean.
It's interesting, before my current relationship I thought that there was a chance that I would stay with someone that had cheated on me (depending on the circumstances). Now though, I'm definitely of the opinion that cheating is a symptom of a problem rather than a root cause, and I love this person enough to stay with them and work on whatever the problem was that had been affecting our communication and boundaries negatively.
Sorry but this sounds like bullshit lol cheating isn’t okay. If someone cheats on you they don’t really love you, & usually someone’s just in denial and doesnt realize that. It’s not that hard to be loyal. Some people just dont care enough
Maura Tuley I think that's too black and white from your own experience. Some people love differently, but that doesnt mean they arent worthy of your love. Also, people can make mistakes. Idk, that was my opinion before this video, too.
beccalynn100 i see what you’re saying but if two people love differently they should honestly mutually accept that their “forever relationship” would be with someone else. not on the same page not on the same bed. just my two cents
they’re not saying that it’s okay, they’re saying that it doesn’t necessarily means it HAS to mark the end of a relationship. sometimes it really IS a mistake that can be put behind people. it’s still a terrible thing to deal with, but sometimes it doesn’t have to be the end.
I totally agree Maura. And I don't think it's a coincidence that it's so often hetero women who are more forgiving of cheating considering the way women are socialized -- not only to be hetero, but including things like always giving your male partner the benefit of the doubt, self-sacrifice for the "greater good" (the relationship with a man) vs for your own "selfish" desires (dignity, respect), etc. That, and I gotta say that cheating is black and white. It's a severe violation of trust and, as it so often includes secrecy until the truth is discovered, involves almost pathological levels of lying to maintain the relationship = manipulation. Also, yeah mistakes happen, but some mistakes are so bad they can land you a conviction in court. So saying something was a mistake (and some people would even disagree on calling cheating a "mistake", but I digress) isn't sufficient on it's own to deflect any moral wrongdoing. Finally, if monogamy ain't for you, don't get in a relationship with a monogamous person. It's not rocket-science
I'd have to agree with Becca on this. Although yes it is a huge breach of trust, it's not always black and white; you have to take to consideration the environment, family matters, vulnerability of the relationship, stress, mental health ... there's a lot of factors that can contribute to a mistake being made. This is based on personal experience, and some times this could be an opportunity to rebuild and solidify your relationship. I suppose context matters, like what Alison and Gaby mentioned. However, if you're just a lying douche bag who likes to break hearts, fuck around and then gas light later then you don't deserve to be in a relationship!!
I was cheated on. She got drunk, fucked her best friend, got pregnant. We broke up, and she dated the dude for 2 years. I never stopped having feelings for her, and she never stopped having them for me either but she stayed with the guy cause she thought she had no choice after having a kid with him. Fast forward 3 years after that... she and I are back together. We still have issues, mostly on my end, that stem from it but we really do try our best to sort through them when they arise and she's very open and honest and understanding when it comes to any concern of mine that pops up. And i see the improvement in her to rebuild the trust between us and i appreciate it. Still in the back of my mind I'm not sure if it's the healthiest thing in the world to be with someone who cheated on you. But... i do love her and so far it has worked out between us. I'd say this time around the relationship is very much centered on being open and honest with each other, in a loving way of course. And it has helped 100%.
A year and a half ago I met my girlfriend, now ex girlfriend, at a mental health hospital, or asylum, or whatever the hell you call it... She was suicidel and went through sexual abuse.. we were together for 4 months and I just couldn’t take it anymore, she kept manipulating me into thinking if we fight or I say something she’ll cut herself, and she just never cared for me, apparently she loved me a lot but in reality she loved the idea of me, I went through horrible stuff as well but she never asked me if I’m okay or how am I doing and if I’m feeling down. Even my best friend remembers that she never asked me how am I. I didn’t feel loved by her. So I broke up with her but a month later we got back together, I don’t why even, to see if something changed? I don’t know… But it was the same, she still didn’t care about my mental state, and continued to manipulate me. In relationship there are supposed to be 3 sides, yourself, you significant other, and the relationship itself. I was never there, and I was and still am going through hard stuff and she didn’t help me and kept the spotlight on her... One day we went out to the mall to meet with her friend, and the friend’s brother was there too. We slept at their house, and a few days later I cheated on her with that said brother. I felt so much guilt, I hated that, I hated this whole situation. I felt wanted, and I felt loved, so I broke up with her again and went off with him. (He’s an asshole by the way and only wanted me for my ugly ass body). My best friend, my therapist and my psychologist say it was justified. I didn’t care about that, I couldn’t live with myself knowing, I, cheated, I hate that! I’ve learned my lesson, I don’t cheat and I don’t want to cheat. Even if my ex girlfriend treated me badly I still can’t deal with that guilt, and I’m trying to make up for it so badly. The whole point is that it’s not worth it, cheating is not worth it. The way I still feel after all this time is absolutely horrible. Just talk with your partner if there are any problems in the relationship please!! I can’t live with myself knowing that me as a person cheated. It’s a shit feeling
Cheating is NEVER acceptable in a monogamous relationship. It leads to other abuses as well. This is some kind of ignorant high school or college dating philosophy.
moonlighter6 I was thinking the same thing. I’m like, am I just so old and out of touch that I’m absolutely not okay with someone sleeping with someone else when they’re with me? I mean...fuck no!
I've known too many women that accept cheating. Next, they are getting verbally abused and slapped around. Then, they refuse great guys' offers to be the crap out of the sleaze bag.
I have never been in a relationship before. But I wonder and think about it a lot of what I would do. And in my family history there has been so much history of domestic violence that started with cheating. So with that in mind I don't feel I could stay with a cheater. Especially a serial one. Maybe I could do the tells me a year later one but I wouldn't if *I* caught him.
![Gunna - HIM ALL ALONG [Official Visualizer]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/HiCxoDeo0hc/mqdefault.jpg)
Over these past years Allison has gone from complete Charlotte, to an actual Miranda and I am so here for it.
What? Who?
🤣🤣🤣
Sex in the City characters.
"I've thought about this a lot, cos there are so many hours in a day, I have to think of something" a MOOD
Gaby and Allison truly help each other grow and it's so beautiful and i love it.
+
I’m sorry but if you’re a serial cheater and you’re openly not capable of being monogamous relationship stop getting involved in monogamous relationships.
S Nicolette heck yeah!
People like this are the worst kind of human beings simply because they're LITERALLY MAKING PEOPLE THROW VALUABLE LIFE TIME IN THE GARBAGE.
New fans be like: THEY DONT LIVE TOGETHER?
Old fans be like: gaby has a nice jacket
Gaby has a nice frame. How MANY specs she has?!!
It IS a nice jacket!
I don't know, cheating implies a breach in trust. If communications and intentions are open, and if it is decided upon that the relationship is gonna be monogamous, then cheating is absolutely wrong. In Allison's case, I think it was probably the best case scenario, because unlike others, he didnt promise to be faithful but to try. Like Gab, I hate those who break promises and be made a fool of.
cadr003 there are a lot of ways to break trust in a relationship but for some reason cheating holds the biggest weight to ending a relationship.
Deffo if you want monogamy and your partner doesn’t that’s a dealbreaker, but some people might find they can work with a more open relationship if they have a say in the ground rules.
I told my husband a long time ago that if he should ever cheat I want him to know I would prefer to never find out. He and I are monotonous but we committed to a life time together and I know mistakes can happen. It wasn’t permission for him to cheat but it was me acknowledging that logically I can forgive an infidelity but emotionally I would rather not know.
Also there are different ways of defining cheating. To me cheating means "breach" the "contract" you have with the other person. So, in an open relationship, sleeping with someone else wouldn't be cheating. Definitely something to talk about beforehand.
cadr003 true. Our family had a recent incident . Being from a conservative household love marriages r considered a taboo so when this family girl wanted to marry her BF they lied to the family saying it's arranged marriage, but the fam got to know it's not. Now they r mad as hell n feel they been made a fool of. Honestly there's no winning with it even if the girl said the truth the family will look down upon them so she had to lie.
It's the same with couples ppl don't wanna be fooled but neither can they take the truth. U may like someone n want to spend ur life with them but still would like to experiment sexually with different ppl, do u think the partner will be ok with it? Even when it's a one time thing If u tell them they'll say yes? It's encouraging to lie to be in relationship with someone. There's no good way out, other than forced monogamy.
"And that man is now somebody's congressman."
Trang Nguyễn My reaction was: RUIN HIS CAREER
When the lights went off I thought my phone screen is gone n my reaction was "wht the fuck".
jojo me too xD
gaby screaming "this is the best day of my life!!" parallels directly with the episode of broad city when abbi tells ilana that she pegged
Watching JBU Topics is like listening to the world’s best podcast
AWWWW
You forgot --g
Allison acknowledging that people in relationships can be attracted to other people had me shook 🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼 #characterdevelopment I was as excited as Gaby!! Great video, you two!
ALLISON IS BRUTAL, I LOVE IT
Cheating assumes you can get more than 1 person interested in you.
the same goes for polyamory
or even one ffs
making cheating seem like an accomplishment - thumbs down
not intimidated by someone who just admitted they couldnt get one person interested in them. Shoulda made a second account to call me a fag instead of unleashing that insult after revealing such a vulnerable fact about yourself :(
Should I believe that last part though? Because I do. I fully believe you'll show up to my house with many beautiful women who are interested in you and call me a fag, and I'm looking forward to it.
Favorite podcast-type show EVER, beautifulll
Some want monogamy. Sone don't. If one's behaviour indicates polyamorous tendencies, either accept that about them or move on. Don't try to change them. The whole point of dating is to find out if y'all are compatible. When you're obviously objectively not compatible, don't try to make them someone they are not. They will resent you for that. Maybe you think your way is better for them. I doubt that. Just let them be them. So many relationships suffer from this. Stop fixing ppl. They don't need fixing.
Sorry I have to say some people need fixing lol I agree with everything else you said though!
My dream is to be Sugar and just curl up in a tiny ball on a couch between two people and not contribute anything
Thomas Oltarzewski Sugar contributes everything
Too true
Totally here for the more real talks and the longer-form content. It's also kinda awesome to watch "real-time" personal development of people you respect.
Hey I know neither of you will never see this but if you do, just know that you have changed my life. I know it’s so sappy but really you have. I discovered just between us when I was struggling badly with my anxiety and sexuality. Although I am a bit better now I don’t know if I could have gotten through probably the hardest year of my life without you. When I had a panic attack I would literally just watch hours of skits and “International Question” videos. I thank you more then you could ever know.
This delusion some people have that your significant other should never (or could never) be attracted to anyone else is, ultimately, unhealthy. And, quite frankly, if your person only finds you attractive, then he or she is only with you by default. It says more about someone's integrity, fidelity, and love if your significant other CHOOSES to be faithful and monogamous with you when there is an infinite number of other people he or she could be with instead of you. I'm glad Allison has learned to let that notion go. That being said, cheating is never okay.
I agree with this so much!
I was commenting on when Allison said the following:
"I guess what I've completely let go of is the idea of pretending that neither of you are attracted to other people." (3:08-3:17)
I'm glad she said she let go of that notion because I know a lot of people who think that way.
"Once a cheater, always a cheater." Rachel Green's mom.
But Rachel married the guy after all. Plus, they were ON A BREAK!
Dess Georgieva sleeping with someone else after a few hours of breaking up is cheating. Also, we all know Rachel is not the brightest.
I'm sorry but I think that's fucking bullshit. People change.
shaza yaman no it's not. they weren't together anymore
In the past when I was younger I cheated in multiple relationships But I've gone through other relationships even ones that lasted years now and haven't cheated at all
I thought my phone broke when your lights fucked up lol
My ex and I were in a monogamous relationship when he told me he thought he was poly. Before we could even work on figuring something out, he was soliciting sex from people online. I broke up with him because monogamy is important to me, and it was clear that he wasn't even considering my feelings. He later told me that it was 100% okay for him to cheat on me because he was poly.....even though we had agreed to monogamy and he went behind my back.
It’s not that I think once someone cheats they’re always going to cheat (I don’t believe the whole “once a cheater always a cheater”), but the issue is once my significant other cheats they’ve lost my trust. It’s really difficult if not impossible to build up trust once it’s been lost so if someone were to cheat on me the relationship would be over, not because I believe they’re an irreconcilable cheater and can never get better, but because the trust would be gone in the relationship and honestly a relationship without trust is way too exhausting. It’s just so much mental and emotional energy, the worrying and wondering. If I can’t trust you I can’t be in a relationship with you because it would honestly be a terrible relationship for the both of us (with me always worrying about what you’re doing when you’re out and you having to deal with me constantly checking up on you)
QUEENDOM oh my gosh that is ridiculous but your response to him is great lol.
I feel like cheating would be a deal breaker for me idk y’all are crazy
Mina Brown Agreed. Total dealbreaker.
Definite deal breaker
Not for me
for me, cheating is the be all end all. especially cheating in a non monogamous relationship. im always open with all of my partners about seeking other partners as long as they talk to me about it. i just feel like if you cheat on someone you dont respect them at all.
Cheating is someone’s way of saying “You weren’t enough for me so I found someone else to satisfy my needs.” And if you’re not satisfying that persons needs, then why stay with them? If you’re in a loving relationship, then you both should be enough for each other
Cheating is usually a sign of underlying issues in a relationship, where a person will instinctively (or knowingly) outsource to satisfy their needs. But I don't think it means "you aren't enough for me" 100% of the time. Our partner isn't always going to be there when we need them, and we all need to be able to take care of ourselves and rely on the right people in appropriate ways when that happens. When we're not able to do that, cheating is often the result.
In that case, what's so wrong with acknowledging that someone doesn't satisfy every need? Most people have more than one friend, and plenty of people will "emotionally" cheat without realising it. Yet, we hold romantic relationships to a standard that one person should be everything to someone else. But that's not always possible, and puts a lot of pressure on both people in that relationship. For example, if one partner doesn't like to cuddle because they get too warm and uncomfortable, does that mean the person they're seeing, should never be able to find someone else that they can cuddle? They should pretend they don't still long for that on occasion? And that could breed resentment in the long term, if that relationship is closed (monogamous) and strict in it's rules. Often times, people are fearful to even bring up how much they feel they're missing out on by being with a certain partner exclusively, especially if that person is otherwise a great fit. This is merely food for thought, as your comment indicated you're holding onto pretty narrow concepts that we're taught within society, and I hoped asking you some questions and giving you this example could lead to you further examining these concepts and seeing if they truly do suit you. I wish you well but won't be replying and continuing this exchange. Good vibes!!
in that case, it's not only the cheater's fault or wrong-doing, it's the fault of all parties in the relationship because there's miscommunication, lack of understanding and satisfaction. relationships are a two way street my friend, it's never just the fault of one person
Nicole Henriksen, i love you.
Did Gaby hook up with Mitt Romney? We should start that rumor.
Hey folx, they are not saying cheating is ok. They are saying maybe monogamy isn't for everyone, and if someone is constantly cheating then perhaps they should consider non-monogamy/polyamory.
Yeah but they make it seem like it’s their partner’s decision to say “oh maybe monogamy isn’t for him/her I should either leave if i’m not okay with that or stay but expect to be cheated on” whereas I believe it would be this person’s duty to say “oh maybe monogamy isn’t for me, I should get out of this monogamist relationship before I cheat on my partner”
both!
To me, cheating is breaking the rules of your relationship. If you're in an open relationship, sleeping with others is within set boundaries. If the rules are "look but don't touch," then looking isn't cheating. But also, the boundaries set for a relationship is about the "spirit" of the rule, so to speak. For instance, in the "look but don't touch" scenario, the point is recognizing that attraction isn't under your control. However, checking out every person under the sun isn't in the spirit of the rule - it abuses it in the same way competitors might take advantage of rules to get ahead. But relationships aren't a game, so... Don't Hussle.
I've recently discovered my partner keeps being unfaithful. I feel like I'm dying. We have a son and a home together. It absolutely breaks my heart. People that cheat do not deserve happiness.
I think this is such an interesting topic! It makes me think about my own life and situations I’d be okay with. I’m super huge on honesty and I’d want to know if someone cheated on me and all of the details but I still don’t think I would be okay with it. However, I’ve been monogamous with my boyfriend for almost 6 years so at this point, it would be a complete violation of our relationship so it’s maybe different than if I was in a different kind of relationship.
BUT, like Allison, I love to talk about beautiful men and women with my boyfriend.
Wanting monogamy isn't an indicator of "insecurity" anymore than polyamory is an indicator of being emotionally inavailable. It's a sexual orientation. Doesn't mean a monogamous person never cheats, just that they wouldn't be comfortable with it in the long term.
Like pretty much any issue in a relationship one can make an attempt to work through it or just end it.
Hi A and G, I suffer from major depression and complex PTSD. You both being so open about mental illness really helped motivate me to go to the proper forms of therapy and medication. Thanks for posting such personally open content. I’m also grey sexual and have found comfort in your show. ❤️ ps. Looking Allison!
*looking good Allison
Woa woa woa here. Monogamy is akin to insecurity? I’m sorry, Gabs, but let’s not forget that just like it’s perfectly fine and cool for you to be poly, monogamy is perfectly fine and cool and does not equal insecurity. Idk if you covered that in your vid, but the way you worded that left a bit to be desired.
Ikr, I was just going to point that out.
Right- people who prefer monogamy prefer the substance of a monogamous relationship. That isn't akin to insecurity.
Yes thank you! I thought the same thing when she said that!
I’m loving JBU topics & I love you guys! 💓💓💓💓
Waiting all week for the newest jbu episode 😍 Mondays can't come fast enough for me anymore
As a people, I can confirm, we be CRAAAAZY.
Also Allison what mascara do you use because goddamn your lashes look GORGEOUS
I love this. I haven't watched a video of your guys' in a while and I'm so happy you're talking about non-monogamy. It's such a beautiful thing and a viable option that can resolve cheating turmoil. Granted there's a strong open line of communication. But yes, no lying. Respect first and foremost. 🖤
I’m 100% against cheating no matter what. If someone wants monogamy, and the other person doesn’t, they shouldn’t be together. It’s just not gonna work. And for me, if the trust is broken, it’s just over by default.
Alison is looking hecking radiant and chill as fuck it’s so positive I can see her growth and it’s beautiful
Seeing how much you've both evolved is so beautiful to watch
I never want these episodes to end. You could talk for an hour and I would be here for it. Love 3.0!
Allison makes more and more sense every episode
Just popping in to say that I LOVE the show's new concept. Like, I've been around for a while, been around when you switched to JBU 3.0, loved it from the get-go, and now I just want to say it out loud and be like hey, thanks for having interesting conversations with each other in front of a camera. Always insightful and thought-provoking
I just want to say how much I appreciate the way Gaby has defined "non-monogamy" within the polyamorous concept, I feel like it has really helped me understand my own relationship's needs
thank you!
AHHHH ILY GUYS SM!!!!!
Don’t even have to watch the video... NEVER
Klassic In that case you should probably watch the video
Title does not indicate the actual conversation, which I found irritating. I almost didn't watch because I agree with you. But the actual conversation was much more nuanced about cheating and whether it's something a relationship can handle.
Is cheating ever okay? Nope
Does it have to be the end of a relationship or are there ways to work through it? Depends
The video is more about the latter than the former which makes the title misleading. Just because cheating occasionally results in solvable issues doesn't make it okay.
I've never been "made to look foolish", it's always that "I made myself look foolish".
This is such a crazy concept to me, if I'm in a relationship with someone where we already discussed being monogamous and they betray that I'm just gonna be super done immediately
"...you're not consenting to getting an STD..." Who consents to getting an STD?
Someone discloses to you they have an STD and you consent to sex with them with full knowledge of the risks. Versus not doing that or saying they are monogamous when they are putting you at risk that you don't know about. They need to let you make an informed decision. -g
Just Between Us Thanks for taking the time to reply. But I feel like there's a subtle but important difference between consenting to having sex with someone who has an STD and consenting to getting an STD. With the former, it seems that the person is consenting to having protected sex knowing it's not a 100% safe versus the latter which makes it seem like the person is totally into getting an STD. But I understand what you're saying. Thanks.
Adebisi Akinyemi There are some folks who are totally okay with getting an STD, I think the term is 'bug chasers'. But what Gaby said is 'not consenting to *maybe* getting an STD' which is a risk anyone takes (and implicitly consents to) when they have sex with anyone.
I feel like this is such an interesting conversation to have, honestly, am I'm glad you both are having it with what feels like such an open dialogue. It is a hard conversation because I try to imagine others complexly and understand that humans have faults and err. But also? In instances where there has been a consensual decision to not do anything with someone outside of the relationship...it is a breach of trust. But each situation and person will be different in how they respond and each relationship is different...so I feel like it really comes down to the unique relationship and having healthy and honest communication.Basically, point being, thank you for having this conversation! :)
“People be crazy” Truer words have never been spoken
Just, I thought the longer videos would suffice, but getting to know you both better with the less-scripted content makes me just want more ._. Aish, loving your channel and you guys as always ^~^
“No, it was disgusting, I had to water the whole thing down.” SAME, GIRL. 😂
I'm non monogamous but I've watched someone I really care about be cheated on and I just can't excuse it. Don't fucking lie about it, esp when it's obvious.
A&G, Thanks for this illuminating and eye opening exchange:
"Letting go of the idea that neither of you are attracted to other people."
To me, that's the first step of acceptance (maybe it's cause this luxury has been afforded to me by my bf)
My dudes! For some reason i always think about what she said in that episode when i think about cheating, so I'm really glad you guys elaborated on this.
I love topics. Also Allison y'all are glowing
I'm slowly but surely falling in love with Allison
I like this channel so much more now with this format. You make me feel less alone in my weirdness.
I was having fun until Allison started singing that song, it was part of the soundtrack at my last job and now the nightmares are back thanks Raskin
This was a great discussion seriously more like this plz
This was a really cool discussion that I wasnt expecting to enjoy this much, thanks guys!
I relate to Allison so much in this video. I am always more insecure about exes because of the things they know and experiences they shared. And I also LOVE talking to people about who they find attractive and so many guys I’ve dated have found me crazy because of it. I think they think it’s a trap.
At this point, please just extend to an hour with no edits and make it a podcast because I would def listen to you two talk on the way to work like every morning. Huge fan!
I could binge listen to hour long podcasts of just you two conversing.
Never cheated on anyone in my life and would never stay with someone who did
i swear some of you youtubers read my mind and elaborate on topics i was just wishing you would bring back up.. niiice.
I miss JBU so much I totally get that Allison and Gaby are crazy busy now with new endeavours but man I used to tune in every monday and thursday and that shit made my week! Now that I'm working full time again like last summer i'm just getting super nostalgic for all the great content! Also I finally was able to read I hate everyone but you and it was so good (hit very close to home regarding my college experience.. mostly from Allison/Ava's perspective) and now I just miss these girls so much. Hope you guys are still collabing and doing things together and DEFINITELY going to write another amazing book pleeeaaseeeee
There is a difference between finding someone attractive, and cheating. I can find another guy attractive but I don't have the need to pursue him, because I am happy with my boyfriend. (He is funny and attractive and attentive and is everything I'm looking for (I know that's sappy and shit and you might not believe me, but that's honestly not my problem)) .
Doesn't mean I can't find someone attractive, but it does mean I don't have the need to go look for something else.
The lying about it is defitnetly a no go, but for me, cheating is the end of a relationship, there isn't a valid excuse for it.
Like, what would make it okay?
I also don't really get why once would be okay, but twice wouldn't. If you can understand it once, why not more?
I don't get it, maybe the dating life in America is different then here, or maybe it's just me, but I get to know people before I start dating them, so you can build a relationship of trust and you can understand them better, so you might see threw his lies and attitude or whatever, before hooking up.
Or you know, maybe I'm old fashioned on this subject, who knows.
Weird video. Like this kind of videos and love hearing your opinions on it, just don't agree with this one.
I love this show. Thanks so much you guys ❤️
00:13 is why I love Allison.
BettyBookReviews luv
Awesome, talk. I love when you guys seem to have a real discussion. Love it. Keep it on.
i’m in love w gabe pls send help
A thing that me and my husband do is point out people that we think is attractive to each other (either celebrities or some random person and it can be both male or female) and most of the time the other's response is, "Oh, totally." We never understand how some other couples would be mad over something like that. Finding someone attractive =/= cheating.
Allison and Gaby laughing as they say “ppl be crazy” bc they know they’re actually crazy is so relatable
I love this new format so much 0.0 Hey could you guys talk about the spectrum of relationships within non-monogomy? I'm curious about people who are solo poly versus couples who have a hierarchy and stuff like that.
omg i love how long it is i just ate a snack and chilled out
I feel like this episode can be a two parter... very interesting topic.. more pls!
I'm sure you know this but being monogamous is not synonymous with being insecure.
AHHHHH I RUSHED HERE
Cheating is only okay when they have been abusive. They broke the trust in a worse way.
Cheating is bad, and that's pretty simple.
Mmmmmmkay .... cheating is baad , mmmkay?! ( mr. Mackie)
They obviously did not listen when Samm Levine appeared on their show.
I’m beginning to believe no one is capable of being monogamous. That’s what I want in a relationship. I’m fully open about it right away, I tell them if they want someone else to let me go. Just got out of a thing with a guy who always told me he was okay with it and always said we were monogamous. Because I have an IUD, and he said he was clean, we weren’t using protection. After we broke up, I find out from multiple sources that he’s a serial cheater AND he knows has herpes and has passed it to multiple women. #trashperson This is why I don’t trust people. Thank god I’m still clean.
tbhhhhhhh: this is what we like. you have found it. like tbh we tolerated Allison singing, we love this :)
It's interesting, before my current relationship I thought that there was a chance that I would stay with someone that had cheated on me (depending on the circumstances). Now though, I'm definitely of the opinion that cheating is a symptom of a problem rather than a root cause, and I love this person enough to stay with them and work on whatever the problem was that had been affecting our communication and boundaries negatively.
that's lovely! -g
I need more of you 2 in my life!!!
Sorry but this sounds like bullshit lol cheating isn’t okay. If someone cheats on you they don’t really love you, & usually someone’s just in denial and doesnt realize that. It’s not that hard to be loyal. Some people just dont care enough
Maura Tuley I think that's too black and white from your own experience. Some people love differently, but that doesnt mean they arent worthy of your love. Also, people can make mistakes. Idk, that was my opinion before this video, too.
beccalynn100 i see what you’re saying but if two people love differently they should honestly mutually accept that their “forever relationship” would be with someone else. not on the same page not on the same bed. just my two cents
they’re not saying that it’s okay, they’re saying that it doesn’t necessarily means it HAS to mark the end of a relationship. sometimes it really IS a mistake that can be put behind people. it’s still a terrible thing to deal with, but sometimes it doesn’t have to be the end.
I totally agree Maura. And I don't think it's a coincidence that it's so often hetero women who are more forgiving of cheating considering the way women are socialized -- not only to be hetero, but including things like always giving your male partner the benefit of the doubt, self-sacrifice for the "greater good" (the relationship with a man) vs for your own "selfish" desires (dignity, respect), etc.
That, and I gotta say that cheating is black and white. It's a severe violation of trust and, as it so often includes secrecy until the truth is discovered, involves almost pathological levels of lying to maintain the relationship = manipulation. Also, yeah mistakes happen, but some mistakes are so bad they can land you a conviction in court. So saying something was a mistake (and some people would even disagree on calling cheating a "mistake", but I digress) isn't sufficient on it's own to deflect any moral wrongdoing. Finally, if monogamy ain't for you, don't get in a relationship with a monogamous person. It's not rocket-science
I'd have to agree with Becca on this. Although yes it is a huge breach of trust, it's not always black and white; you have to take to consideration the environment, family matters, vulnerability of the relationship, stress, mental health ... there's a lot of factors that can contribute to a mistake being made. This is based on personal experience, and some times this could be an opportunity to rebuild and solidify your relationship. I suppose context matters, like what Alison and Gaby mentioned.
However, if you're just a lying douche bag who likes to break hearts, fuck around and then gas light later then you don't deserve to be in a relationship!!
Dang Allison looking fine!
Allisons burp straight up made me jump 😂
Gaby: This is the best day of my life!
Me: 😂😂😂
That cardigan looks great!!!
I was cheated on. She got drunk, fucked her best friend, got pregnant. We broke up, and she dated the dude for 2 years. I never stopped having feelings for her, and she never stopped having them for me either but she stayed with the guy cause she thought she had no choice after having a kid with him. Fast forward 3 years after that... she and I are back together. We still have issues, mostly on my end, that stem from it but we really do try our best to sort through them when they arise and she's very open and honest and understanding when it comes to any concern of mine that pops up. And i see the improvement in her to rebuild the trust between us and i appreciate it.
Still in the back of my mind I'm not sure if it's the healthiest thing in the world to be with someone who cheated on you. But... i do love her and so far it has worked out between us. I'd say this time around the relationship is very much centered on being open and honest with each other, in a loving way of course. And it has helped 100%.
This is the best part of Mondays !!!
Haha. About feeling foolish: “I hate it and it happens all the time!”
Loving this new format :D still miss the questions but this is great to
A year and a half ago I met my girlfriend, now ex girlfriend, at a mental health hospital, or asylum, or whatever the hell you call it...
She was suicidel and went through sexual abuse.. we were together for 4 months and I just couldn’t take it anymore, she kept manipulating me into thinking if we fight or I say something she’ll cut herself, and she just never cared for me, apparently she loved me a lot but in reality she loved the idea of me, I went through horrible stuff as well but she never asked me if I’m okay or how am I doing and if I’m feeling down. Even my best friend remembers that she never asked me how am I.
I didn’t feel loved by her.
So I broke up with her but a month later we got back together, I don’t why even, to see if something changed? I don’t know…
But it was the same, she still didn’t care about my mental state, and continued to manipulate me. In relationship there are supposed to be 3 sides, yourself, you significant other, and the relationship itself. I was never there, and I was and still am going through hard stuff and she didn’t help me and kept the spotlight on her...
One day we went out to the mall to meet with her friend, and the friend’s brother was there too. We slept at their house, and a few days later I cheated on her with that said brother.
I felt so much guilt, I hated that, I hated this whole situation. I felt wanted, and I felt loved, so I broke up with her again and went off with him. (He’s an asshole by the way and only wanted me for my ugly ass body).
My best friend, my therapist and my psychologist say it was justified. I didn’t care about that, I couldn’t live with myself knowing, I, cheated, I hate that!
I’ve learned my lesson, I don’t cheat and I don’t want to cheat. Even if my ex girlfriend treated me badly I still can’t deal with that guilt, and I’m trying to make up for it so badly.
The whole point is that it’s not worth it, cheating is not worth it. The way I still feel after all this time is absolutely horrible.
Just talk with your partner if there are any problems in the relationship please!!
I can’t live with myself knowing that me as a person cheated. It’s a shit feeling
Cheating is NEVER acceptable in a monogamous relationship. It leads to other abuses as well. This is some kind of ignorant high school or college dating philosophy.
moonlighter6 I was thinking the same thing. I’m like, am I just so old and out of touch that I’m absolutely not okay with someone sleeping with someone else when they’re with me? I mean...fuck no!
I've known too many women that accept cheating. Next, they are getting verbally abused and slapped around. Then, they refuse great guys' offers to be the crap out of the sleaze bag.
I would love someone to beat the crap out of my ex sleazebag. But I don't really feel like going to jail, so...nah.
I have never been in a relationship before. But I wonder and think about it a lot of what I would do. And in my family history there has been so much history of domestic violence that started with cheating. So with that in mind I don't feel I could stay with a cheater. Especially a serial one. Maybe I could do the tells me a year later one but I wouldn't if *I* caught him.