Empaths are not attracted to narcissist. Narcissist are masters of studying you and mirroring the characteristics of an empath to make you feel like you have found your soulmate. They represent everything which an empath absolutely despises. We bring love and light. They try to destroy everything and everyone that they encounter.
If you're thinking "I'm going to expose the covert narcissist, what's the worst that can happen?" I'll warn you: no matter how meek, mild, and demure they appear, if you hurt their ego enough, they *can* go berserk. Even a small, normally weak person can be *extremely* dangerous if they're hell-bent on destroying you and give no regard to their own safety anymore. And yes, I have seen that happen...
What can she do to me? I live in my home town where everyone knows my character small town. Also everyone can see that she is off they give that away with the impulsive decisions and constant need for validation on social media. I mean she can falsly accuse me of abuse lie set me up I guess but in the end I have no fear anymore I have tons of screen shots from her former employers on how she hurt and humiliated everyone there idk I just don’t know what els she can possiblly do? Hire a hit man maybe
@@TherealDsizzle falsely accuse you of abuse. I had an ex girlfriend lie to acquire a protective order against me and had the cops show up to my job. Not sure if you are aware of the courtroom situation in the US and that the female is always right but personally I would physically stay away from her
@@actionjackson8439 trust me the false claims of abuse I’ve definitely thought of I’ve made a video every night stating my fears and the games she plays on the daily I’ve talked to every cop in town about what the hell do I even do if thst happens how do I prove my Inocents. I got tons of screen shots from former employers she triangulated hurt and humiliated,, she’s been through 4 jobs in 5 years. My friend network which is rather large will all back me in court honestly im at the point where I can get my co workers my employers present and past my large network of friends and community to all stand on my side I really feel like it was life or death and I was determined to get to a point where I almost fear nothing from her
The covert narc is an actor. Their personality is similar to that of a sociopath. They will pretend that they don't know what you are talking about and will play the victim.
@@andrebey7944 yes they do. They deny that they said it, they deny abuse is significant, and they blame you for having a thin skin and making a big deal about everything.
It isn't that empathetic people are attracted to narcissists, IMHO, it's the other way around. Narcissists target empathetic and kind-hearted people. Kindhearted people don't have their guard up for narcissists. They find it very hard to believe that people can be as cruel as they can be, and still seem normal in society. That is why they end up in relationships with them. Often they are stuck because they can't mentally figure out what's happening. The setup is to make it to where there are only two choices that appear to the empathetic person once they are in the range of the narcissist. One is to be a bad person, the other is to be a bad person. It seems there's no way to a kind person and get out because they don't want to be cruel. The only way I ever got out was to give myself permission to be a bad person according to what ordinarily would be my definition. Walking away from a suicidal person or a person who's children are endlessly in harm's way if you walk away etc etc etc feels like the wrong thing to do to an empathetic person. It's never wrong to free yourself from an endlessly confusing, painful relationship. I am not attracted to narcissists, now that I know the signs to look for, (confusion is #1) I stay away and NEVER ENTANGLE with them. 'Never complain and never explain' works well here. And run.
Roger and copy that. All facts. Only you can get you out by owning your inner boss. My cov-narc used to always call me naive and it took me WAY to long to grasp that this is what ppl call you when they have targeted you and actually possess ill-intentions. I could see it othe ppls lives and could not connect the dots bc the cov-narc was THAT covert. Narc now has a life threatening medical condition for which I should feel mounds of empathy, but boo hoo, I'm hip to the game now. I do believe that being an ahole your whole life does kill ppl. Stay 💪 out there wherever you are
Don't explain, don't ex cuse, don't rationalize, don't take that missbehavior seriously and don't take it personal. You know, they would go down to their knees, If they find another prey that gives them the admiration and so on they think they're entiteled of....
That’s exactly what is happening. Nobody despises the truth more than Satan. Why? Because knowing the truth is what saves you. Jesus has been helping me get out
Ross, thank you for explaining how dangerous the covert Narcissist is, I needed to hear this. Very few people will understand if you try to explain what a harrowing experience it is to deal with these toxic individuals.
I’m still dealing with a break up and didn’t let myself believe she was one until she turned a whole friend group against me with outright lies. I had sent her to her mothers house almost a week before we broke up, and she wanted to keep it between us. My stupid self did and she told that friend group I broke up with her out of nowhere. The following events finally broke me through my denial and this is text book narcissistic behavior.
@@JustCozItsMe I lost a whole group of my school friends too because of a sneaky flying monkey and her relative, both neighbours. I had no idea they were pally with the narcissist's relatives and knew my school friends through church groups. After Covid I decided I could do without the school friends and blocked them. I'm frosty with the neighbour, but the woman is thick skinned and a covert narcissist too, so I just ignore her, and carry on.
Very good advice here. Do not confront a narcissist. They do not have the capacity for self-critical insight. Also, there is no 'getting even' with these personality disordered people. They will resent you for your ability to set a boundary and get away. They will resent you bitterly for your ability to get away, because they cannot get away from themselves.
I have learnt that their pathology can be used against them, when confronting them, to set up a boundary put an argument where their mistakes and wrong doings make them feel there is no true way out and that will make them look bad, this works very well with covert narcissists, they are so caring to preserve the mask that they immediately accept the boundary to cover the crack up, they will invariably try to come back at you in some way but that its still a good step forward in setting boundaries.
Dear@@teresashinkansen9402, I have tried this a couple of times. Unfortunately, this turned out to be a self-disaster. Maybe, it works in some circumstances, where a Narcissist put down themselves eventually in front of you. But, there is a chance that this "Covering the crack up" may be turned into you being a "crack seal", if the narcissist is really that sneaky-smart (which, of course, most of them are). And it happened to me a couple of times. So, yeah, nod and run - works best.
Time tells all truths. My NPD ex is having to deal with the consequences of his own making, and I am the one who is happy and at peace. Our children figured him out on their own, and I had learned how to protect their hearts without wrapping them in bubble wrap. Once you figure out that they all operate from the same playbook, you can figure out what their response will be to whatever boundary you draw. Being able to anticipate their actions gives you power. You really don’t have to participate in their attacks on you. Ignoring their insults gives you power. Eventually you will not be entertaining enough to supply them with fuel & energy, and they will seek that fuel elsewhere. That’s where the real fun begins. Once I stopped allowing myself to be the source of his fuel, my life got easier and I began to really heal. I don’t have to say anything now to try to expose him. I don’t have to get even with him, I don’t have to defend myself, I don’t have to badmouth him. I’m not scared of him anymore. He exposed himself because I took myself out of the equation & he has to deal with karma now. It took a couple years to really master the art of letting him expose himself, but in the end, my strategy worked and I came out the winner. -Because now I have peace and happiness. Learn how to stop participating in their behavior.
Yes!!!! Excellent answer and strategy. I’ve done something similar over the last four months post divorce. One tactic I’ve used (since we still have to communicate) is that all communication is in writing. I save all texts and emails so that I can no longer be falsely accused of things or gaslit. I know what was said because I have it all on file. I wanted to say “the abuse stops now”, but I realized it’s a process and you can’t stop them from hurling insults. You can only control your response. Thanks again for your answer.
You're lucky you have the kids and he is the covert narcissist. In my situation it is her abd they default take her side and she has full custody. Make up lies and she takes kid. That's it. It's hell trying to protect my child via the limited time we have. In UK.
I unmasked my narcissist ex-husband and he devoured me, ripped me to shreds, destroyed me and his own children. And he’s still not finished with me. I am torn to pieces. I’m literally running for my life.
For me, the covert narcissist comes across as a people pleaser. They like to be in the spotlight to get the validation that they crave for, as other narcissists but at the same time, they pretend to be humble, simple, generous, over giving. The covert narcissist will take time to build a relationship/friendship with you. During this period, they will show their admiration and their devotion by helping you with everything that is you need. They will try to convince you that you are soulmates and that they understand you deeply. At the same time, you will see them being overly altruistic, maybe helping society by engaging in charities, activism. They feed the poor, take care of the homeless. All this makes you think how lucky you are for having met such a beautiful soul. You want to be by their side for ever. However, soon you notice how much they enjoy being invited in galas to talk about their achievements. But they don’t admit that. They still play the humble guy who doesn’t want all this. Who is beyond money, beyond fame and recognition, who wants to share the floor with other people. But their acts don’t match their words. You come to realise that this selfless soul is actually doing whatever it takes to be in the centre of attention. When you do something together be it at work or at home, they want to control everything about it. They just exerce their control in a more polite and implicit way, making you believe that your voice was heard whereas in reality you did what they wanted you to do. Covert narcissists have a smooth way of leading you on. They don’t shout, they don’t give orders. They are master actors. They convince you that you are together in this. What makes them a narcissist is that when the time comes for them to use you in order to draw certain benefits, they will do it without a second thought and you are not going to believe in your eyes. And when you stand up for yourself and raise your voice against them calling them for their phony identity, then you will see their rage for the first time and the mask will fall. Covert narcissists manipulate less with rage/exhibiting superiority and more with people pleasing behaviour/playing the eternal victim. They are not aggressive as overt narcissists. They are more cunning. What they both have in common is self-centered ness and lack of empathy. In the case of coverts, it will take you longer to find out.They knew what they wanted to get out of you from the beginning. They created a whole theatre play to fool you about who they are and their true motives. You will trust them with all your heart but when the time comes for them to prove their loyalty by choosing your bond over their personal gain, they will choose the latter with no remorse, without even taking any responsibility. Unlike the overt narcissist, they will have an eloquent excuse for doing so, rationalizing why they had to f@ck you over. They will pretend to be sorry about it because this is something that matches the image of modesty that they want to project but in reality they are not sorry at all. You will see them partying with your own money when they said they didn’t have enough to pay you back. You will see them being unfair and untrustworthy to other people as well. When the mask of the victim will fall, you will see the cruel smile of a perpetrator who managed to get what they want without deserving it. If you decide to unmask them run for your life. Moreover, Catching a cheating spouse might be difficult, and knowing what local laws say you can and cannot do might be even more difficult. To simplify the process, consider hiring a private investigator to do the sleuthing for you I genuinely appreciate how incredible you are and your work! Thank you for a job well done Metaspyhub@gmail. com.
A covert narcissist may respond in a variety of ways when discovered, depending on the particular circumstance and the person. When their behavior is criticized, a covert narcissist may occasionally become aggressive or defensive and reject or abdicate responsibility for their actions. They might try to gaslight the person who exposed them by getting them to doubt their own sense of truth or perspective. Narcissists frequently employ this strategy to keep control of the relationship. In other situations, a covert narcissist could act more violently or aggressively in an effort to retake control or establish dominance. They could try to control or intimidate the person who has exposed them, or they might lash out with abusive language or actions. A covert narcissist may also retreat or isolate themselves if their actual nature is discovered. They might make an effort to separate themselves from the person who exposed them or try to avoid any sort of conflict. Being masters of manipulation, narcissistic people frequently possess a special ability for charm, which allows them to get away with manipulating others. They might be able to beguile people into believing they are not actually narcissists and convince them that they are to blame. The process of exposing a covert narcissist may be extremely taxing and even dangerous, so it’s vital to keep that in mind. It’s crucial to exercise prudence and have a solid support network in place, including friends, family, and a therapist. You can process your experience and develop a strategy for dealing with the circumstance in a secure and healthy manner with the aid of a therapist or counselor. Additionally I hired a private detective METASPYCLUBLLC@GMAIL. COM. Once I knew what the narc was up to, it got easier to get over that lying, cheating, sack of doo doo, loser. I didn’t need closure from the narc, I paid for it. Best money I EVER spent!
My experience in life - the harder she love bombs you at the beginning, the harder she hates you at the end. Love bombing was something nobody told me to watch out for.
Sorry but love and hate are NOT the two sides of the same coin. Hatred is the complete absence of love. The privation of love. Just as dark is the privation of light. Hate (evil) is the privation of love (good). The key point is that love bombing is NOT love. It is flattery, mirroring and seduction but it isn't love. It is rare that a person can love a person they just met and that is the clue. Most will say that love grows over time. We also need to realise what love is so we can see that the charm offensive of love bombing is just weaponised seduction and has nothing to do with the word love at all. I think it is a misleading name as it suggests that it was love at one point but it never was. It was weaponised seduction, not love.
Yup I noticed that too the harder they love bomb the more you will have to pay they feel like you made them work so whoever gets the most “love” from them is the one who will get the MOST HATE!!!!!!
What happened? It kind of has to be the perfect timing. I have done this in a small way. You have to be prepared totally, confident and so many other things. You have to do it with calmness and confidence no matter what responses you get. Almost like a stage set up, if you do it right it is extremely rewarding. You have to be mentally right and factually right. Check your bases and double check, then act with precision and compassion. And you must do it openly (not privately - don't do anything privately with a narc), the more people the better. It's not for everyone to master. Impossible for many.
It's like I never learn and somehow blind. This seems like a vortex loop I'm stuck in. It's a private matter I can't explain, it happens naturally to expose them. My perspective changes so many times. At that time I do feel very sure and after I crumble and wanna die and suppress very hard. EMDR is about to start. Take care ☝🏽🌌💖💫
If you unmask them or call them out with evidence it will be the scariest experience of your life. What will come out is a monster of rage and it will be all your fault
Words of wisdom. No lies told. Count the cost before exposing a narcissist. "What's the worst that could happen?" you ask? You could wind up deleted. Don't walk away, run! The only thing to be salvaged is your sanity.
Escape a narcissist is a great idea. No contact and living your best life without them is already giving them a big narcissistic injury! Narcissists hate having no control over ppl. So just Stay away safely and at peace
My mother was a covert narc and so is my ex who im currently leaving. 😢im so exhausted, depressed, alone, my anxiety is through the roof. His parents were always together, i went through abandonment as a child.and as for narc rage , omg he does that all time, and about as much empathy as a hungry shark with a seal.
Yes you can win with a narc simply by walking away. Leaving them to their own mind of not knowing what really happened. It will drive them crazier! Also, they will slander you whether you stay or go so might as well leave. So have no fear! That is a win-win for you!! Plus their evil ways will backfire on them and they will end up alone like all evil people making their own worst fears a reality.
100%! Stepkids bio Mom triangulates with entitlement. I gray rock, kids never see a response. Theyll figure it out soon. I just dont engage on any level
Amen to this. If you have ever tried to do this once, it is highly unlikely you will ever do it again. When you know, you go. As quickly and quietly as possible.
Saw the mask of a covert narcissist dropped, saw the black eyes & the distorted face, after being figured out the narc start shaking in fear, guess my rage was scarier than his, having two dark sides myself, this wasn't a relationship though, but co-worker friendship Didn't know those type of people existed before march '20, 3 years no contact now, shame, the person looked so perfect and was so very kind, guess it was all a illusion
They're good actors, who mirror their targets. You basically get conned, seduced by your own positive reflection until they devalue you and make you feel inadequate and erode your self esteem.
Good riddance....I am still dealing with a covert Narcissist older sibling, who was in I C U, but even after a narrow escape from the jaws of death this sociopath narc is the same....no change. And this individual has created so much havoc for the past almost seven decades, it's unbelievable. If I could I would run, however it's a situation I can't run from, the narc has no one to help out. @Stand For Truth I wish you peace and tranquility....remember birds of a feather flock together.
I’m so sorry that your daughter isn’t in your life right now. That’s got to be rough for you. Give it time. Hopefully your daughter will see the light bc if your narcissistic mother is covert, she can’t keep her mask on all the time. The more amount of time that they spend together will indeed end up giving her the awareness you’ve tried to enlighten her with.
Yeah because your daughter told your mother and your narcissistic mother brainwashed your daughter to being on her side...and that is literally what they ALL DO.
Hi Ross thank you for making this video Setting boundaries with emotional manipulators, like covert narcissists are hard because we're always made to doubt our own reality.
Omgosh what happened to me was a living hell. It was dangerous and I almost died. If she could have killed me and got away with it, then she would have. I tried to say no to her and she knew I wanted to leave - she no longer had control. WOW the events then that happened, was violence, psychological, emotional, and spiritual abuse. She got so dangerous with the kitchen knives that I had to get the hell out and make an escape to another country. Couldn’t believe the face I saw. Was scary. I had my heart racing every second of every day.
The covert narcissist I exposed is a family member who was causing possible serious harm to an elderly parent. I called our uncle who later called this family member and reamed her out. Rage did follow but I don’t regret it. She was mixing narcotics and could have killed this senior.
That is not what Dr. R. is explainning here. It does not matter how you call It. Those who have seen a real C.N. knows It. You cannot unmask them without suffering any harm. You should know this. Also you should know that It has nothing to do with your strenght or good intentions. Actually is indirectly proportional. Finally the gaslighting would make you doubt about everything, even yourself. So, sorry but that situation is not helping people here but instead It is confusing people. Do not say things Dr. R. did not say. This issue is a very dangerous thing, not a game. You should be proud of yourself to do a good thing 💞🌺, but as I said please do not put It here as an example of this video insights... It is dangerous what you are doing... Thank you
@@northpole4592 Please stop the fear mongering. I understand everybody's situation is different and can be dangerous. I myself was in a life-threatening situation with my nex/psycho ex, and the only good thing that happened was me going all-in to show these nasty people that I'm a threat and a very hard target. I've never felt so good. It was necessary for my own recovery even. Fear is stopping a whole lot of people from taking the right actions and they will suffer from the 'what if' questions for way too long. Better to go all-in sometimes and nip that sh!t in the bud for once and for all. Of course, you need to be emotionally stable, financially stable, socially stable, no kids, no family, etc.
I don't know if my wife (soon to be ex) would be diagnosed with anything. Last week I confronted her about her cheating in a very calm way, no judgement, no accusations. She started off by getting angry because it was invasion of privacy and she told me she wouldn't stop and it's my problem if that hurts. When I got more direct about the situation she started crying and telling me how traumatized she was by me in our marriage and how she never felt safe. When I didn't really go for that either she started yelling and swearing at me, telling me to piss off. Yesterday we had a conversation with our mediator, first after our fight. She was the most balanced, calm and friendly person you could imagine. Very considerate towards when I told her it's to hard for me to see her now (we have kids) and what she could do to help. She didn't have a problem seeing me.....we could have dinner together with the kids or whatever. Am I going insane? Just wanted to rip off the mask right on the spot. What kind of trickery is this?
After 3 weeks of interaction with a covert narcissist, I figured her out and I run. But she got me one last time at some friend's get-together. Now I am free from her since I am no longer in touch with the mutual friends. What a relief and peace of mind.
I exposed a covert narcissist to their kids once. They went berserk but I feel their children gained a perspective that they perhaps had been gaslighted out of for years. Yes there was serious pushback!
I don't think you quite understand the lengths a narcissist will go to in order to maintain their image. Unmasking a narcissist feels to them as if they've just lost their entire life. Them turning all of your friends, family and everyone you know against you is some of the lighter things than they can do. In some cases they can even threaten your livelihood, career etc. if not your actual life.
My mom.. she hurts me on the deepest level and in the same breath tells me how much she loves me. Realy messes with your brain and feelings. But i’m not falling for it anymore, i made a conscious choice to not to allow her in my life anymore!
Ross, thank you. Jesus "opened not His mouth and was silent before His persecutors as a lamb before its shearer" The master of exposing hypocrisy, He removed their mask by healing all, speaking truth and doing good - so they murdered Him! Vendetta's and grudges grow in filthy hearts and minds. Ross is right in his pioneering work, escape, quickly and silently. God help us all. You are loved ❤️🙏
I used to live next door to a covert narcissist in dorm style housing. She glommed onto me right away and I assumed it was because she was lonely and stressed out, but it quickly grew into a toxic relationship. I literally couldn't do anything without her getting angry. Anything I said was taken as a slight against her, but everything she did was somehow OK. She actually did apologize for her behavior, but it was always in order to shame you even more, for example "I'm sorry I yelled at you for using our shared kitchen, but my Mom is dying and I needed to call the hospital before visiting hours were over. You using the kitchen made me miss visiting hours and now she might die before I can call her." (This would have been miraculously absent from the yelling match and she'd have completely forgotten about her "dying Mom" within 12 hours). I started avoiding her as best I could, so she started making up complaints about me making noise and demanding I stop "slamming my doors and dressers." I wasn't doing that, but just to avoid an argument, I moved my dresser away from our shared wall. She would complain if she heard me walking around (with or without shoes). if she heard my chair creaking, if she heard me talking on the phone, if she heard me laughing at a youtube video, or really any noise at all because she apparently needed absolute silence. She made up the most ridiculous excuses to explain why she needed absolute silence, too. After putting up with her for about four months, I slipped and fell in my room and the fall naturally made a sound, so she yelled at me for "being too noisy again." I came this close to losing it with her, but instead I just moved away without another word to her. The word from other people who still live there is that she's about to kicked out of the dorm and onto the street and she still thinks she's an innocent victim, that everyone who complained about her is just a bigot, and that she's going to sue the building.
Well, I am so happy to finally be affirmed in the way I tend to escape toxic relationships and situations, which is to just run. It has been such a knee-jerk response in my life that I've often thought I was just being chicken, but I have usually had minimum fallout from this strategy. Thank you.
i have bpd and i absolutely understand boundaries. It took me years, i had first to understand how to enstablish boundaries for myself. But i have empathy and i understand and value boundaries. But i think i've done a lot of work to heal childhood trauma and get emotionally healthier.
I was raised by a father that was verbally abusive and I am watching him destroy my step mother. I am creating distance to save myself. Your video helps me ground my reality. Thank you.
Thanks you for this warning. So important for the abused person to get away safely. People with NPD have no capacity for introspection or personal growth. Their focus is outward always, as in how can they get revenge and how can they make you regret upsetting their applecart.
I exposed as well no matter the credibility as he started already the smear campaign. But it felt so liberating to finally understand what was happening in my relationship that I felt the obligation to share it with many people as possible
I appreciate you phrasing it as someone with NPD, with sociopathic tendencies, or a covert narcissist. I have long thought my covert NPD ex has sociopathic tendencies, and just didn’t understand how much is cluster B overlapping, and how much is my lack of knowledge. This is an extremely informative video that helps me realize that my fears really are well-founded. Thank you!
I didn’t realize a particular person *was* a narcissist until I called her out on anger outbursts. It was her reaction that allowed me to add it all up.
I’m dealing with my 20 year old grandson now I love him and have memories of his sweet little boy ways and seen him grow up not being treated so well, so I have empathy . He needs rides to and from work . I’ve been doing that but now it’s starting to become problematic. I have been through the romantic narcs my mom and four sisters narcs . Stayed with ex husband 34 years needed up 2 adult sons narcs and three grandchildren narcs or BP or I don’t know . I have them all around me . I’m single and over the love a man thing. Lol . This fam thing is tough . I’m 62 I’ve got knowledge it’s just difficult still. Thanks Ross I needed to talk
I'm so glad this video showed up on my feed! I have considered trying to make the covert narcissist in my life aware of his behavior. I'll just continue with my exit plan.
Yes. I never called her out. I ran, blocked her from all social media, and my phone, and crossing my fingers that she will just go away, and feed off her new source of supply. It has now been 2 weeks. 🤞
She somehow got around my block then tried to Hoover me back. I set out new boundaries, and she called what I wrote a “rant.” Of course it was all my fault. NOT! 🤗 I figured how she got around my block and blocked her again. Three weeks now. Fingers crossed she goes away now. I NEVER GO BACK TO THIS PERSON.
Very good video. I dealt with this situation twice in the workplace and only now understand why the bosses hated me so much. Because i am a naive truth teller. Either gather enough evidence to slay the snake or keep acting like an oblivious sycophant or leave.
My first unmasking did not reveal the dangerous response that I incurred as a result of my discard, divorcing the narcissist. He went full throttle in a campaign to ruin my life, which included an attempt to have me killed.
Ross, I'm living it right now !!! I set simple boundary - no more physical violence - we can argue all day long but no level 2. She had a hard time to agree to it on one of our couples sessions but eventually she did promise that. Year later it started again and once in my life I couldn't take this anymore - constant violation of my boundaries - I hit back and ended up in JAIL and facing domestic battery charges !!! Now in the eyes of hers family I'm the monster and no one knows how many times she attacked me...where is justice ?????
Calling the cops so there is a record of her physical violence the FIRST time she did this is the key. After that, gotta video record her getting unhinged unprovoked as evidence for the police so they can she that she is the aggressor.
It’s called reactionary abuse - they set you up to react to their abuse - and when you finally blow and can’t take it anymore they say “see?”. Expect the worst, as they will try to harm you where you are vulnerable, and plan accordingly.
Nephew got arrested and gun's shredded. Gf rammed her head into a tree and said he did it. California has a law that says guns gone in domestic abuse situations.
Oh God, thank you, you may have just saved me. Your video just popped up and the timing was crucial. I just confronted my covert narc husband with 3 huge boundaries. It was scary. I'll back down and become more objective. Keep my thoughts to myself and keep his mask on.
Wendy It does seem like the best thing to do in many, or even most, cases and people often tell me to stand up for myself, then I inform them that I've been physically assaulted, including losing teeth, quite a few times in my life for doing so! 🙁
I was strongly pushed into a marriage to a sociopath when very sick and vulnerable. I have been trying to get free for 34 plus years. I lost custody of our children after attempting to protect them from abuse and achieving a favorable divorce outcome. Proxy abuse/stalking has continued to destroy my life for the past 2 plus decades.
Ross, in your video ""Don't unmask a covert... " you predicted very accurately what my now STBX covert narcissist did to me. After i had my lightbulb moment and started to set boundaries, she then triangulated social services to make it look like i was psychologically abusive, etc. "THEY SET YOU UP TO LOOK BAD". Fortunately she had had rage fits etc in front of our kids school staff and social services' investigation led them to understand my wife clearly had mental health issues. So I suspect her attempt at smearing me fell flat. In divorce right now, just moved into my own place. Wonderful being able to breathe again.
This is all very spot on! The main red flag I always pick up on nowadays after having been in a relationship with a covert and malignant narc is an unusually high level of interest in me right off the bat. I would fall for these demons just waiting to rip my soul apart. A very cute gal approached me at my workplace recently with her bright blue eyes and clearly displayed full interest in me. She had “that look” in her eyes and I’m like… “Nope” lol not this time 😂
@@Fakeslimshadythey show a level of interest that is beyond normal. They give you that soul mate stare that you think is intense erotic attraction but it is actually an apex predator sizing up their next meal. They usually give you some line about how they love all the same things as you blah blah and try to mirror your body language etc. they praise you for all the things they know you value and size up your weaknesses and deliberately give excuses for the things you are vulnerable about so you are eating out of their hands. They actually play the soul mate card or the BFF card really early on, like first date/ meeting and that is the biggest red flag of all! They are the walking definition of too much too soon. They are always 'extra' in an almost surreally paranormal way. Like an attractive angel was just zapped down in front of you just to fall in love with you rubbish
@@lastthingsministry Not trying to defend their behaviour, but I wonder how much of these "narc traits" are just psychologist babble. Every person infatuated with another will try to imitate his or her behaviour, this happens subconsciously. Every infatuated person will display high interest that fades over time.
@@Fakeslimshady I have a Dad with NPD. Trust me, it isn't just psychobabble. People with this disorder lack empathy and object constancy and are prone to black and white thinking. You're either an angel or a devil to them and that usually depends on what you are doing for them at that very moment, how useful you are to them and they have impossible perfectionist standards for you too as they are entitled and see themselves as gods who can only be offered perfection every time. It definitely is not a psychological overstretch. This is unhappily a very real thing. Going back to the lovebombing stage in romantic relationships. You asked if all interested parties mirror? Yes they do unconsciously a little to a degree. But having experience of both being pursued by people with NPD and people without it is VERY different. A person without NPD may try to impress you but they do this with their own character, with themselves. They will also have an awkwardness in that they are conscious they are trying to make a good impression. A non-NPD person has a self to be based in, no matter how awkward. A NPD person has no self at all. There is a void where their self should be. When they lovebomb you there is no reference to themselves at all. They will purposefully be your double. Not just mirroring your body language but all the things you love and hate. They will do this with an intense stare that you mistake for intense attraction. It isn't that, it is a predator honing in on prey. If you stripped away your own favourable reaction to it, the whole thing would be creepy and scary because it is. Sadly the people who are desperately needing of love and validation fall for it as they desperately want it to be true. A person who is already confident about themselves and comfortable in their own skin would see it as 'too much, too soon', creepy and stalkerish. I have been stalked by them but I once saw one of them as 'not a stalker' just because there was mutual attraction. Think about it though, someone you don't know waiting for you outside work everyday. That's not romantic is it? That's stalking behaviour and creepy. That's another point to make during love bombing. A non-NPD person will still be separate from you no matter how interested. A NPD will try to enmesh you on the first meeting. Enmeshment feels like someone is trying to climb inside your skin and take you for themselves. It is not romantic at all but very creepy. You won't think it is creepy though if you are attracted yourself. Usually it is the 'intensity' of the 'attraction' and the 'gaze' that makes another attracted.
@@lastthingsministry I see... that makes sense. Can't say I know anyone like that though, but if Depp's account of Heard is anything to go by I'd say his case sounds exactly like what you're describing. You do make it sound like it's an easy trap for happy, healthy individuals to spot. I'm not so sure about that though. Feels like these days many happy, healthy people are complaining about narcisstic individuals in their lives... surely these conversations we're having now were never a thing in the 60s, isn't it?
Run where? I’m isolated and my abusers have hypnotic, unnatural control over me. I’m cornered and they’ve closed all doors on me so I couldn’t leave even if I want to. I have no option but to take my chances and fight for justice the American way whether it works out for me or not. Only time will tell.
My experience dealing with my bro-in-law covert narc, to safe my husband and my family from being used by him. I have known that if I expose him, he will make everything to destroy us through the extended fam we love. . He has done everything, but he is not successful, because we ignore all things he said, just keep calm, do not react, cut all sources that he enjoyed before, being the same person that our big family know us as nice and truthful person. We believe it takes time for our big family to know the truth. Some have expressed that they knew the truth, eventually the whole big family will come to that understanding. Let's see. We need tremendous patience to be a winner.
When I become aware of a person with these characteristics, like a co-worker, I often wonder what they are really capable of if they're about to be exposed. I've known some people who are so critical of others, and so obsessed with appearing perfect, that if someone was about to expose a video of them undeniably stealing yogurt from someone else's lunch, I honestly don't know what they would do. For most people it would be embarrassing, and they'd be the butt of jokes for a while, then life would go on. But who knows what a narcissist would do when their ego is shattered in this way.
Excellent video. Unfortunately too late for me. When I left my husband he had already managed to psychologically take my daughter from me. But I have survived and finally thrived after a period of 5 years being my own best friend (and substitute parent) ❣️
Coverts are Oscar winning actors in courts playing the "victim" too. My ex cried crocodile tears to play on the female judge's heart strings, and even though I had proved my case I lost because of that performance. Worst feeling in the world. Even though I'm a strong Christian I wanted to get revenge on her so bad after, but I knew if I ripped off the mask, and took away her whole life as the super surgeon she believed she was she would either unalive herself, or snap and come after me. I prefer to just believe she is in her own private hell every day. If God wants to help her out of it that's on him.
Everybody has their flaws and brings in their own self-serving biases to assess themselves and others relationally. It may come across as over-used, but I am almost certain my ex-gf is a covert/vulnerable narc. I am no clinical psychologist (although I do have a doctorate in another field), but I have been listening to many videos from seasoned mental health experts (a big thank you to all of you who do this!) and I am finally getting a solid grasp on what I went through with her. So many of these personality-trait descriptions are eerily spot-on when considering that it was only me observing them with my gf on an personal basis. My question would be then how mental health professionals come to these personality diagnoses when not observing the subjects in daily action. I imagine that it's a difficult task, as their partners can be biased or also suffer from a personality disorder. From my non-expert perspective, though the key appears to lie in detecting someone's lack of awareness (covert narcs, in this case) of any unethical tendencies in their core motivations, rationales, and modus operandi. I was taken aback numerous times listening to my ex casually explain how she goes about extracting services and resources from individuals and organizations on the one hand, while making sure she never contributes anything in return on the other. Over time, I became increasingly angry as she applied this approach to me 100-fold with no weight on her conscience whatsoever. It also disturbed me how desperate she was for social validation and attention, also using me to further those purposes when interacting with others in our professional and religious circles. It took me some time to understand the deeper layers of her background and psychology to explain all this, which motivated me to search out content on YT for more concrete answers. After a year-and-a-half, I knew it was beyond my abilities to change her, so I began building a separate support system outside the relationship and broke it off at an opportune time (mercifully). I am still dealing with the fallout so I will continue to watch content like this until I feel more safely out of the woods. Thank you again!
Therapy is to serve the person. So when a narc goes to therapy because of their aweful boyfriend who thinks shes a narc the therapist will not say yeah hes probably right...therpaists arent there to call you out on your bullshit. Not to that degree. Psychiatrists might diagnose you with those tests like amber heard. Took. But theres no medication for narcs so its not really in their interest and a narc isnt going to go to a psychiatrist and accept that theyre a narc. So yeah i think you can easily diagnose these things but whats the incentive to do so.
The problem is they don't respond to therapy. They know how to lie out of a psych session. Just like other Cluster B personality disorders, they are extremely hard to spot. Yes cluster B as in psychopathic or sociopathic, you know the kind of people that can convince a mother to let them do you know what to their own kids, ? like a cult leader. If you want to continue living with a cult leader that has a power of manipulation like nothing youve ever seen... stay. I am leaving the first chance I get.
Absolutely stupendous, Thank you so much for this Ross, You're absolutely beautiful, Thank you for all your help and advice, I love you Ross, Peace, love to you and everyone, Thank you universe 💞😀🥰🦄🐴⚘️😁✨️💫🌈😃😃🌌🧿👽🐉💎🧝♀️👁♾️😀💞
I know a covert narsacist who has now diagnosed herself as having multiple personalities (according to her, her therapist diagnosed it, though I think this is her new excuse). She was supportive, kind, friendly and helpful when I met her. I ended up helping her when her marriage ended. Boy what a turn around! I saw her suck people in left right and centre (food, money, clothes, you name it, she got it). She used every sob story she could to get everything she could from others. I became public enemy #1 because I couldn't do something for her. Boy what a switch, she told lies about me, had people block and blame me for things. I went from friend to an asshole in one step. She still can't work out why I keep my distance.
Me too , never heard a peep out of him again , Shame, Guilt, Fear ,all the stuff he had projected onto me bounced right back on him , just some straight forward facts did the job , nothing nasty .
The worst experience I ever had with a covert narcissist is one who is Sociopathic borderline and NPD. I was suppose to be this person friend, and he study who I was, and started telling me things about his self, such as women would question his sexuality... but after learning him for a periodt of time I saw why. The mistake I made was opening up to him and I also questioned him AND ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE, he made sure he made me feel every shame and every hurt he was feeling on the inside. Ask him but are we still friends he said he doesn't know.. it was to many confusion so I went no contact. 2 months after the incident, he Ran 2 blocks just to catch up to me just to ask me if I wanted a drink. I said no and from there never seen or heard from him again.. these people are strange. I also believe he is talking, and spreading rumors behind my back cause his friends would now pass me str8.
You cannot have any shared friends with a Narcissist. If they are new to your life, don't let them mix with your friends as they will try to poison them again you. If you are friends with their friends you will have to accept that you will probably lose them one day when they turn on you to become a flying monkey. The best thing you can do is to have completely separate lives from a narcissist and never ever let any new ones in.
Too late for me. Once I realized that my next door neighbor was a narcissist (encroaching upon every boundary I set forth), I let her know that I was on to her. Currently dealing with the aftermath, which proves absolutely everything I said was true. She is half my age and provokes me daily.
Yep, I deal with this too! Covert narcissist/sociopath and he’s a cop to make everything worse! They get OBSESSED with you even more when you call them out!
Thank you.. Gaslighting is inevitable.and it's very hurtful. My solution has been to- get out and sort myself out. Intuitively I know how dangerous it can bento confront/expose them. I was a co-dependant and learned to set boundaries, but the fear of being attacked is still there. 😊
They certainly do. My dtrs father has been married 5 times. Every divorce is a reset. They hide all the bad things. Thank God I raised my daughter to be strong and assertive. He kisses her butt, she li es him but she sees her folks for who they are❤
A narcissist is a true and actual definition of “ Hypocrisy “ . In other words : multiple faces of the same coin. In other words chameleons and anoles.
I set a boundary with a sister 2 yrs younger (from a deep feeling I couldn't shake) . . . She retaliated with ending my treatment for pain mgmt & had 3 different explanations about how she wasn't to blame. It's nearly 2 yrs later, & I've wanted to unmask her (in front of our mother) -- & recently it had just started to occur to me that she just might (realistically) react with extreme physical violence. After listening to a lot of different videos . . . Yours was the one that finally nailed down the reality that I did consider that . . . & now realize that I must not do that & have the best outcome of that knowledge. I'll watch your other videos & thank you for making them to help others . . . Today, you've helped me avoid that predictable outcome.
My mom gave up on divorcing after five years. They've been separated for 26 now. A few years ago he decided he wanted the divorce, showed up at her place and had a rage storm in the parking lot after she refused to get in the car with him that minute to go file paperwork. Neighbors witnessed this and sheltered her in their place until he left. We had never seen that side of him before; he's more of the cool-tempered manipulator.
When your a real chosen one of God a covert Narcissist can not destroy you however as a Sigma Empath I will say I've been tested harshly and dealing with them can be extremely toxic ,negative, dangerous ,and draining.
a pathological narc who was abused so badly in infancy needs a kind empathic person, craves that, and at the same time wants to lash out onto that person (their target) for all the abuse they suffered in infancy (wanting to lash out rightly so in fact as no-one should get away with child abuse, not even mothers). Eventually the empath realizes they have absolutely nothing to do with the past sins of their narc's parents. I get what you mean. Think twice and thrice before saying anything.
This is exactly what happened to me with my narcissistic mother. She craves my compassion and empathy but also made me the scape goat. She slandered me to everyone when I decided I didnt want a relationship with her, and now in my adult life she calls me for psychological help. She also pretends she doesn't. She acts like to every other family member we have, that I don't exist. The golden child of the family is now the crazy one in desperate need of psychiatric help. He's exactly what she accused me of being.
My ex , who subjected me to emotional, psychological, financial,sexual and every other trick in the book destroyed every aspect of my life to the point that for years i was a gibbering wreak, and i am still fearful of him and his flying monkey recruits when out in public to this very day . He is now the CEO of a local organisation that helps survivors of domestic and sexual abuse, which i only found out after being referred to them for treatment. It sickens me to the stomach to read on-line interviews that he has given talking about the seriousness and life damaging impact that abuse has on a individual having “experienced abuse himself” allegedly , which i know is total BS as is every other word that spews out of his mouth. i feel duty bound to expose him for the sake of the organisation and everyone who works there or uses it services but i know that that would evoke unimaginable warfare that i’m still recovering from many years later after experiencing his destructive focus before. l am torn inside but what can i do other than protect myself from even more destruction or worse still my own death which through years of covert abuse he almost achieved before?
It is morally wrong to encourage people to live in fear of narcissists. Do not cower before evil. Protect the innocent. Narcissists are learning disabled human beings. Why fear them?
@@buttermepancake3613 That’s “learned helplessness” talking. Free yourself from “learned helplessness” and you will see them as the pitiful creatures they are.
@@AlexRyan you should still distance yourself from them. Keeping them in your life only adds toxicity. You can't fix people like that nor is it your job to.
hey ross I am almost done with reading your book and it is such a gem. I keep getting flashbacks from situations in my childhood with my mom and dad and siblings. and thanks to your book and videos I understand myself and my past a thousand times better. again, thank you so much!!
what book did you read? I'm over staring the problem but his insights seem to be unique. My ex gf didn't create any new harm, she exposed what was already there. Family...mom as cult leader. Siblings as minions.
I feel like I've won by calling these people out but over the years I've felt more compassion towards these individuals because I truly feel like they are the ones who are suffering the most and now I wish I hadn't publicly exposed them for who they are
I accidentally unmasked a covert narcissistic sister before realizing she's narcissistic. I'm trying to sue her to get out of a financial entanglement. She's been violent towards me, so I appealed to the entire family, who took her side and scapegoated me. I still need to continue with the lawsuit, as there doesn't seem to be a way out of that cleanly. Otherwise, she's trying to take my house.
I had recently experienced an intense reaction from a woman, after I tried to compliment her. She misinterpreted my compliment as a criticism and doubled up as if punched in her solar plexus letting out a moan of pain. I believe she felt physical pain . I was initially nonplussed but then underdtood I had somehow triggered a narcissistic injury to her. I thought, as a way of making amends, by tutoring her son in highschool mathematics - but she shouted at me that she had a high level of mathematical knowledge, then turned her back on me and stormed off ! Another narcissitic injury - she never has talked to me since! But as in the video, above, her public face is diametrically opposed to her inner broiling cauldron of negativity. Her demeanour and reactions to me prompted me to learn more about this type of mind set. It grows out of early childhood trauma from negative parenting or absence from any - sad to say !!! ☹️
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Empaths are not attracted to narcissist. Narcissist are masters of studying you and mirroring the characteristics of an empath to make you feel like you have found your soulmate. They represent everything which an empath absolutely despises. We bring love and light. They try to destroy everything and everyone that they encounter.
Exactly!
Doesn’t mean we don’t fall for them. They are great actors and the game is slow on purpose.
Big facts!
Yeah mom is this but then i think i’m one i feel sad most of the time :(
It’s true. They seem to despise our natural kindness. My ex had BPD, but self-diagnosed herself as a sociopath…and it was an experience for sure.
They believe their own lies and expect everyone else to
Like behaving like a gay/bi man but claiming he's "straight"
Oh no, they know what they are doing.
If you're thinking "I'm going to expose the covert narcissist, what's the worst that can happen?" I'll warn you: no matter how meek, mild, and demure they appear, if you hurt their ego enough, they *can* go berserk. Even a small, normally weak person can be *extremely* dangerous if they're hell-bent on destroying you and give no regard to their own safety anymore.
And yes, I have seen that happen...
So have I, and then they band as a cult family and gang up on you literally like pod people. It’s petrifying!
What can she do to me? I live in my home town where everyone knows my character small town. Also everyone can see that she is off they give that away with the impulsive decisions and constant need for validation on social media. I mean she can falsly accuse me of abuse lie set me up I guess but in the end I have no fear anymore I have tons of screen shots from her former employers on how she hurt and humiliated everyone there idk I just don’t know what els she can possiblly do? Hire a hit man maybe
@@TherealDsizzle falsely accuse you of abuse. I had an ex girlfriend lie to acquire a protective order against me and had the cops show up to my job.
Not sure if you are aware of the courtroom situation in the US and that the female is always right but personally I would physically stay away from her
@@actionjackson8439 trust me the false claims of abuse I’ve definitely thought of I’ve made a video every night stating my fears and the games she plays on the daily I’ve talked to every cop in town about what the hell do I even do if thst happens how do I prove my Inocents. I got tons of screen shots from former employers she triangulated hurt and humiliated,, she’s been through 4 jobs in 5 years. My friend network which is rather large will all back me in court honestly im at the point where I can get my co workers my employers present and past my large network of friends and community to all stand on my side I really feel like it was life or death and I was determined to get to a point where I almost fear nothing from her
@@TherealDsizzle Yes that is a strong possibility, narcissists can be very vindictive. The sly covert ones are back-stabbers, the smiling assassin.
The covert narc is an actor. Their personality is similar to that of a sociopath. They will pretend that they don't know what you are talking about and will play the victim.
That was my ex friend, he was a good actor and sociopath with Borderline and NPD
Can't play victim when there's witnesses or undeniable proof
@@andrebey7944 yes they do. They deny that they said it, they deny abuse is significant, and they blame you for having a thin skin and making a big deal about everything.
A really shitty actor too 😂
And they will lie.
It isn't that empathetic people are attracted to narcissists, IMHO, it's the other way around.
Narcissists target empathetic and kind-hearted people. Kindhearted people don't have their guard up for narcissists. They find it very hard to believe that people can be as cruel as they can be, and still seem normal in society. That is why they end up in relationships with them. Often they are stuck because they can't mentally figure out what's happening. The setup is to make it to where there are only two choices that appear to the empathetic person once they are in the range of the narcissist. One is to be a bad person, the other is to be a bad person. It seems there's no way to a kind person and get out because they don't want to be cruel. The only way I ever got out was to give myself permission to be a bad person according to what ordinarily would be my definition. Walking away from a suicidal person or a person who's children are endlessly in harm's way if you walk away etc etc etc feels like the wrong thing to do to an empathetic person. It's never wrong to free yourself from an endlessly confusing, painful relationship.
I am not attracted to narcissists, now that I know the signs to look for, (confusion is #1)
I stay away and NEVER ENTANGLE with them.
'Never complain and never explain' works well here. And run.
Roger and copy that. All facts. Only you can get you out by owning your inner boss. My cov-narc used to always call me naive and it took me WAY to long to grasp that this is what ppl call you when they have targeted you and actually possess ill-intentions. I could see it othe ppls lives and could not connect the dots bc the cov-narc was THAT covert. Narc now has a life threatening medical condition for which I should feel mounds of empathy, but boo hoo, I'm hip to the game now. I do believe that being an ahole your whole life does kill ppl. Stay 💪 out there wherever you are
@@madfoxcityemnau6414God bless you.
This is genius
Don't explain, don't ex
cuse, don't rationalize, don't take that missbehavior seriously and don't take it personal. You know, they would go down to their knees, If they find another prey that gives them the admiration and so on they think they're entiteled of....
🤌GJ
When I blasted him verbally with truth it was like putting holy water on Satan
Lol, great analogy,
This is the perfect comparison.
That’s exactly what is happening. Nobody despises the truth more than Satan. Why? Because knowing the truth is what saves you. Jesus has been helping me get out
@@LuvNikNac me too - Jesus is helping me get out
That is Precisely What it Is!!! I CALL IT: LEGALLY INSANE! THEY LOSE THEIR "MINDS."(WHATEVER "MIND" THEY HAVE, WHICH IS NOT ANYWHERE NEAR NORMAL).
.
Ross, thank you for explaining how dangerous the covert Narcissist is, I needed to hear this. Very few people will understand if you try to explain what a harrowing experience it is to deal with these toxic individuals.
My father was a total narcissist and a complete and utter tyrant.
Fuck all of them. We are all capable of murder. Even. I do not fear these demons.
My sisters fiancé is one. I just don’t go to her house anymore
I’m still dealing with a break up and didn’t let myself believe she was one until she turned a whole friend group against me with outright lies. I had sent her to her mothers house almost a week before we broke up, and she wanted to keep it between us. My stupid self did and she told that friend group I broke up with her out of nowhere. The following events finally broke me through my denial and this is text book narcissistic behavior.
@@JustCozItsMe I lost a whole group of my school friends too because of a sneaky flying monkey and her relative, both neighbours. I had no idea they were pally with the narcissist's relatives and knew my school friends through church groups. After Covid I decided I could do without the school friends and blocked them. I'm frosty with the neighbour, but the woman is thick skinned and a covert narcissist too, so I just ignore her, and carry on.
I unmask them constantly. I have been suffering a lot of narcissistic abuse. It now seems as if narcissists are afraid of me. 😂
Very good advice here. Do not confront a narcissist. They do not have the capacity for self-critical insight. Also, there is no 'getting even' with these personality disordered people. They will resent you for your ability to set a boundary and get away. They will resent you bitterly for your ability to get away, because they cannot get away from themselves.
I have learnt that their pathology can be used against them, when confronting them, to set up a boundary put an argument where their mistakes and wrong doings make them feel there is no true way out and that will make them look bad, this works very well with covert narcissists, they are so caring to preserve the mask that they immediately accept the boundary to cover the crack up, they will invariably try to come back at you in some way but that its still a good step forward in setting boundaries.
@@teresashinkansen9402 Thank you. Good point.
society is over because no one holds the top ones accountable. It's literally all over.
There is no setting boundaries in a dysfunctional family. This may not work even with a covert narcissist ruling it.
Dear@@teresashinkansen9402, I have tried this a couple of times. Unfortunately, this turned out to be a self-disaster. Maybe, it works in some circumstances, where a Narcissist put down themselves eventually in front of you. But, there is a chance that this "Covering the crack up" may be turned into you being a "crack seal", if the narcissist is really that sneaky-smart (which, of course, most of them are). And it happened to me a couple of times. So, yeah, nod and run - works best.
Time tells all truths. My NPD ex is having to deal with the consequences of his own making, and I am the one who is happy and at peace. Our children figured him out on their own, and I had learned how to protect their hearts without wrapping them in bubble wrap.
Once you figure out that they all operate from the same playbook, you can figure out what their response will be to whatever boundary you draw. Being able to anticipate their actions gives you power. You really don’t have to participate in their attacks on you. Ignoring their insults gives you power. Eventually you will not be entertaining enough to supply them with fuel & energy, and they will seek that fuel elsewhere. That’s where the real fun begins.
Once I stopped allowing myself to be the source of his fuel, my life got easier and I began to really heal. I don’t have to say anything now to try to expose him. I don’t have to get even with him, I don’t have to defend myself, I don’t have to badmouth him. I’m not scared of him anymore. He exposed himself because I took myself out of the equation & he has to deal with karma now. It took a couple years to really master the art of letting him expose himself, but in the end, my strategy worked and I came out the winner. -Because now I have peace and happiness. Learn how to stop participating in their behavior.
Thankyou .
Thankyou so much. I needed to hear this right now.
Thank you indeed
Yes!!!! Excellent answer and strategy. I’ve done something similar over the last four months post divorce. One tactic I’ve used (since we still have to communicate) is that all communication is in writing. I save all texts and emails so that I can no longer be falsely accused of things or gaslit. I know what was said because I have it all on file. I wanted to say “the abuse stops now”, but I realized it’s a process and you can’t stop them from hurling insults. You can only control your response. Thanks again for your answer.
You're lucky you have the kids and he is the covert narcissist. In my situation it is her abd they default take her side and she has full custody. Make up lies and she takes kid. That's it. It's hell trying to protect my child via the limited time we have. In UK.
My grandma used to say to my aunt: “you wouldn’t sit in an uncomfortable chair.” With regards to the wrong men.
I unmasked my narcissist ex-husband and he devoured me, ripped me to shreds, destroyed me and his own children. And he’s still not finished with me. I am torn to pieces. I’m literally running for my life.
I’m going through the same thing
Please go to the police if it all possible, your life is worth it don't even give that up
I unmasked 3 Narcissistic assholes and they tried to completely destroy me
Me too! They got ahold of my adult child and it's breaking my heart. I pray every day they get hit by a train.
@@saramiller4524 if you leave, don't go back 💚
For me, the covert narcissist comes across as a people pleaser. They like to be in the spotlight to get the validation that they crave for, as other narcissists but at the same time, they pretend to be humble, simple, generous, over giving. The covert narcissist will take time to build a relationship/friendship with you. During this period, they will show their admiration and their devotion by helping you with everything that is you need. They will try to convince you that you are soulmates and that they understand you deeply. At the same time, you will see them being overly altruistic, maybe helping society by engaging in charities, activism. They feed the poor, take care of the homeless. All this makes you think how lucky you are for having met such a beautiful soul. You want to be by their side for ever.
However, soon you notice how much they enjoy being invited in galas to talk about their achievements. But they don’t admit that. They still play the humble guy who doesn’t want all this. Who is beyond money, beyond fame and recognition, who wants to share the floor with other people. But their acts don’t match their words. You come to realise that this selfless soul is actually doing whatever it takes to be in the centre of attention. When you do something together be it at work or at home, they want to control everything about it. They just exerce their control in a more polite and implicit way, making you believe that your voice was heard whereas in reality you did what they wanted you to do. Covert narcissists have a smooth way of leading you on. They don’t shout, they don’t give orders. They are master actors. They convince you that you are together in this. What makes them a narcissist is that when the time comes for them to use you in order to draw certain benefits, they will do it without a second thought and you are not going to believe in your eyes.
And when you stand up for yourself and raise your voice against them calling them for their phony identity, then you will see their rage for the first time and the mask will fall. Covert narcissists manipulate less with rage/exhibiting superiority and more with people pleasing behaviour/playing the eternal victim. They are not aggressive as overt narcissists. They are more cunning. What they both have in common is self-centered ness and lack of empathy. In the case of coverts, it will take you longer to find out.They knew what they wanted to get out of you from the beginning. They created a whole theatre play to fool you about who they are and their true motives. You will trust them with all your heart but when the time comes for them to prove their loyalty by choosing your bond over their personal gain, they will choose the latter with no remorse, without even taking any responsibility. Unlike the overt narcissist, they will have an eloquent excuse for doing so, rationalizing why they had to f@ck you over. They will pretend to be sorry about it because this is something that matches the image of modesty that they want to project but in reality they are not sorry at all. You will see them partying with your own money when they said they didn’t have enough to pay you back. You will see them being unfair and untrustworthy to other people as well. When the mask of the victim will fall, you will see the cruel smile of a perpetrator who managed to get what they want without deserving it. If you decide to unmask them run for your life.
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A covert narcissist may respond in a variety of ways when discovered, depending on the particular circumstance and the person. When their behavior is criticized, a covert narcissist may occasionally become aggressive or defensive and reject or abdicate responsibility for their actions. They might try to gaslight the person who exposed them by getting them to doubt their own sense of truth or perspective. Narcissists frequently employ this strategy to keep control of the relationship. In other situations, a covert narcissist could act more violently or aggressively in an effort to retake control or establish dominance. They could try to control or intimidate the person who has exposed them, or they might lash out with abusive language or actions. A covert narcissist may also retreat or isolate themselves if their actual nature is discovered. They might make an effort to separate themselves from the person who exposed them or try to avoid any sort of conflict. Being masters of manipulation, narcissistic people frequently possess a special ability for charm, which allows them to get away with manipulating others. They might be able to beguile people into believing they are not actually narcissists and convince them that they are to blame. The process of exposing a covert narcissist may be extremely taxing and even dangerous, so it’s vital to keep that in mind. It’s crucial to exercise prudence and have a solid support network in place, including friends, family, and a therapist. You can process your experience and develop a strategy for dealing with the circumstance in a secure and healthy manner with the aid of a therapist or counselor. Additionally I hired a private detective METASPYCLUBLLC@GMAIL. COM. Once I knew what the narc was up to, it got easier to get over that lying, cheating, sack of doo doo, loser. I didn’t need closure from the narc, I paid for it. Best money I EVER spent!
My experience in life - the harder she love bombs you at the beginning, the harder she hates you at the end. Love bombing was something nobody told me to watch out for.
A truly good point. 🙏
Love and hate are two sides of the same coin.
Sorry but love and hate are NOT the two sides of the same coin. Hatred is the complete absence of love. The privation of love. Just as dark is the privation of light. Hate (evil) is the privation of love (good).
The key point is that love bombing is NOT love. It is flattery, mirroring and seduction but it isn't love. It is rare that a person can love a person they just met and that is the clue. Most will say that love grows over time. We also need to realise what love is so we can see that the charm offensive of love bombing is just weaponised seduction and has nothing to do with the word love at all. I think it is a misleading name as it suggests that it was love at one point but it never was. It was weaponised seduction, not love.
Thanks for the observation!
Yup I noticed that too the harder they love bomb the more you will have to pay they feel like you made them work so whoever gets the most “love” from them is the one who will get the MOST HATE!!!!!!
Sometimes you can't run, and you must expose. It happened to me.
What happened? Can you tell us more?
I second this. Tell us more
What happened? It kind of has to be the perfect timing. I have done this in a small way. You have to be prepared totally, confident and so many other things. You have to do it with calmness and confidence no matter what responses you get. Almost like a stage set up, if you do it right it is extremely rewarding. You have to be mentally right and factually right. Check your bases and double check, then act with precision and compassion. And you must do it openly (not privately - don't do anything privately with a narc), the more people the better. It's not for everyone to master. Impossible for many.
It's like I never learn and somehow blind. This seems like a vortex loop I'm stuck in. It's a private matter I can't explain, it happens naturally to expose them. My perspective changes so many times. At that time I do feel very sure and after I crumble and wanna die and suppress very hard. EMDR is about to start. Take care ☝🏽🌌💖💫
@@bbdn5123 Don't suppress, let it all out. You are allowed to have emotions
If you unmask them or call them out with evidence it will be the scariest experience of your life.
What will come out is a monster of rage and it will be all your fault
Words of wisdom. No lies told. Count the cost before exposing a narcissist. "What's the worst that could happen?" you ask? You could wind up deleted. Don't walk away, run! The only thing to be salvaged is your sanity.
Escape a narcissist is a great idea. No contact and living your best life without them is already giving them a big narcissistic injury! Narcissists hate having no control over ppl. So just Stay away safely and at peace
He said that he would kill me if I ever show up again but God, exposing him in front of everyone was just priceless. I regret noting.
❤ But God ❤
My mother was a covert narc and so is my ex who im currently leaving. 😢im so exhausted, depressed, alone, my anxiety is through the roof. His parents were always together, i went through abandonment as a child.and as for narc rage , omg he does that all time, and about as much empathy as a hungry shark with a seal.
Yes you can win with a narc simply by walking away. Leaving them to their own mind of not knowing what really happened. It will drive them crazier! Also, they will slander you whether you stay or go so might as well leave. So have no fear! That is a win-win for you!! Plus their evil ways will backfire on them and they will end up alone like all evil people making their own worst fears a reality.
100%! Stepkids bio Mom triangulates with entitlement. I gray rock, kids never see a response. Theyll figure it out soon. I just dont engage on any level
This is so true! The only way to survive is to walk away. If you try to stay, it will cause you to lose your sanity and possibly your life.
Run away and contact zero is the best choice!
Thanks for sharing this video!
Jesus blesses you!!⚘🙌❤
Amen
Yes run and don't look back.
Amen to this. If you have ever tried to do this once, it is highly unlikely you will ever do it again. When you know, you go. As quickly and quietly as possible.
Saw the mask of a covert narcissist dropped, saw the black eyes & the distorted face, after being figured out the narc start shaking in fear, guess my rage was scarier than his, having two dark sides myself, this wasn't a relationship though, but co-worker friendship
Didn't know those type of people existed before march '20, 3 years no contact now, shame, the person looked so perfect and was so very kind, guess it was all a illusion
They're good actors, who mirror their targets. You basically get conned, seduced by your own positive reflection until they devalue you and make you feel inadequate and erode your self esteem.
I told my daughter that my mother is a narcissist, my daughter told my mother. Neither of them are in my life now
Good riddance....I am still dealing with a covert Narcissist older sibling, who was in I C U, but even after a narrow escape from the jaws of death this sociopath narc is the same....no change. And this individual has created so much havoc for the past almost seven decades, it's unbelievable. If I could I would run, however it's a situation I can't run from, the narc has no one to help out.
@Stand For Truth I wish you peace and tranquility....remember birds of a feather flock together.
I’m so sorry that your daughter isn’t in your life right now. That’s got to be rough for you. Give it time. Hopefully your daughter will see the light bc if your narcissistic mother is covert, she can’t keep her mask on all the time. The more amount of time that they spend together will indeed end up giving her the awareness you’ve tried to enlighten her with.
You disowned your own daughter over *that???* 🤦🏾♀️
@@Mo.1988 I thought that the person meant that they both disowned her, due to what she said about the mother, but might be wrong! 🤔
Yeah because your daughter told your mother and your narcissistic mother brainwashed your daughter to being on her side...and that is literally what they ALL DO.
Hi Ross thank you for making this video
Setting boundaries with emotional manipulators, like covert narcissists are hard because we're always made to doubt our own reality.
Boy, is that ever true ~ They want us to think we are the crazy one.
Omgosh what happened to me was a living hell. It was dangerous and I almost died. If she could have killed me and got away with it, then she would have. I tried to say no to her and she knew I wanted to leave - she no longer had control. WOW the events then that happened, was violence, psychological, emotional, and spiritual abuse. She got so dangerous with the kitchen knives that I had to get the hell out and make an escape to another country. Couldn’t believe the face I saw. Was scary. I had my heart racing every second of every day.
glad you got away...
The covert narcissist I exposed is a family member who was causing possible serious harm to an elderly parent. I called our uncle who later called this family member and reamed her out. Rage did follow but I don’t regret it. She was mixing narcotics and could have killed this senior.
That is not what Dr. R. is explainning here. It does not matter how you call It. Those who have seen a real C.N. knows It. You cannot unmask them without suffering any harm. You should know this. Also you should know that It has nothing to do with your strenght or good intentions. Actually is indirectly proportional. Finally the gaslighting would make you doubt about everything, even yourself. So, sorry but that situation is not helping people here but instead It is confusing people. Do not say things Dr. R. did not say. This issue is a very dangerous thing, not a game. You should be proud of yourself to do a good thing 💞🌺, but as I said please do not put It here as an example of this video insights... It is dangerous what you are doing... Thank you
@North Pole what would you do in her sitiation, tho?
The truth is always unexceptionable. Good for you for exposing truth.
Those narc Narcs are the worst type.
@@northpole4592 Please stop the fear mongering. I understand everybody's situation is different and can be dangerous. I myself was in a life-threatening situation with my nex/psycho ex, and the only good thing that happened was me going all-in to show these nasty people that I'm a threat and a very hard target. I've never felt so good. It was necessary for my own recovery even. Fear is stopping a whole lot of people from taking the right actions and they will suffer from the 'what if' questions for way too long. Better to go all-in sometimes and nip that sh!t in the bud for once and for all. Of course, you need to be emotionally stable, financially stable, socially stable, no kids, no family, etc.
I don't know if my wife (soon to be ex) would be diagnosed with anything.
Last week I confronted her about her cheating in a very calm way, no judgement, no accusations. She started off by getting angry because it was invasion of privacy and she told me she wouldn't stop and it's my problem if that hurts.
When I got more direct about the situation she started crying and telling me how traumatized she was by me in our marriage and how she never felt safe. When I didn't really go for that either she started yelling and swearing at me, telling me to piss off.
Yesterday we had a conversation with our mediator, first after our fight. She was the most balanced, calm and friendly person you could imagine. Very considerate towards when I told her it's to hard for me to see her now (we have kids) and what she could do to help. She didn't have a problem seeing me.....we could have dinner together with the kids or whatever.
Am I going insane? Just wanted to rip off the mask right on the spot. What kind of trickery is this?
This is very true. Your sense of justice will be short lived, and nothing but horror will be manufactured for you, sometimes for years on end.
After 3 weeks of interaction with a covert narcissist, I figured her out and I run. But she got me one last time at some friend's get-together. Now I am free from her since I am no longer in touch with the mutual friends. What a relief and peace of mind.
Truth.
@@lalinera8279 you think. That is not a covered narcissist sorry...
Covert narcs are demonically possessed. Run, don't look back
Yes. Please don't unmask them, it is dangerous
I exposed a covert narcissist to their kids once. They went berserk but I feel their children gained a perspective that they perhaps had been gaslighted out of for years. Yes there was serious pushback!
Their children are often flying monkeys. The kids are trained to share the fantasy.
@@jannaolsen3557 Untill the light bulb moment
I'm not afraid of the narcissist. I will tell his face who he is.
What Ross is saying is, you may deeply regret having no fear. Narcs have murdered simply because their control over a victim was ended by the victim!
I don't think you quite understand the lengths a narcissist will go to in order to maintain their image. Unmasking a narcissist feels to them as if they've just lost their entire life. Them turning all of your friends, family and everyone you know against you is some of the lighter things than they can do. In some cases they can even threaten your livelihood, career etc. if not your actual life.
Reading the riot act always feels good, and it always has 0% results.
They seem to also feel better after they got you upset.
They do. They're really f**** sick
Ofcourse, they get supply off of your suffering.. They are 💯 PURE Malevolence
My mom.. she hurts me on the deepest level and in the same breath tells me how much she loves me. Realy messes with your brain and feelings. But i’m not falling for it anymore, i made a conscious choice to not to allow her in my life anymore!
Ross, thank you. Jesus "opened not His mouth and was silent before His persecutors as a lamb before its shearer" The master of exposing hypocrisy, He removed their mask by healing all, speaking truth and doing good - so they murdered Him!
Vendetta's and grudges grow in filthy hearts and minds. Ross is right in his pioneering work, escape, quickly and silently. God help us all. You are loved ❤️🙏
I used to live next door to a covert narcissist in dorm style housing. She glommed onto me right away and I assumed it was because she was lonely and stressed out, but it quickly grew into a toxic relationship. I literally couldn't do anything without her getting angry. Anything I said was taken as a slight against her, but everything she did was somehow OK. She actually did apologize for her behavior, but it was always in order to shame you even more, for example "I'm sorry I yelled at you for using our shared kitchen, but my Mom is dying and I needed to call the hospital before visiting hours were over. You using the kitchen made me miss visiting hours and now she might die before I can call her." (This would have been miraculously absent from the yelling match and she'd have completely forgotten about her "dying Mom" within 12 hours). I started avoiding her as best I could, so she started making up complaints about me making noise and demanding I stop "slamming my doors and dressers." I wasn't doing that, but just to avoid an argument, I moved my dresser away from our shared wall. She would complain if she heard me walking around (with or without shoes). if she heard my chair creaking, if she heard me talking on the phone, if she heard me laughing at a youtube video, or really any noise at all because she apparently needed absolute silence. She made up the most ridiculous excuses to explain why she needed absolute silence, too. After putting up with her for about four months, I slipped and fell in my room and the fall naturally made a sound, so she yelled at me for "being too noisy again." I came this close to losing it with her, but instead I just moved away without another word to her. The word from other people who still live there is that she's about to kicked out of the dorm and onto the street and she still thinks she's an innocent victim, that everyone who complained about her is just a bigot, and that she's going to sue the building.
Neighbor from hell lol
Superho
You did the right thing! Run!!
Good for you for not wasting your energy on her. Slip out the back Jack…
NARCS-ARE-IN-SANE!
Nobody ever mentions “confronting” is also “unmasking “ so be careful when doing it.
You can't win from these crazy people
Well, I am so happy to finally be affirmed in the way I tend to escape toxic relationships and situations, which is to just run. It has been such a knee-jerk response in my life that I've often thought I was just being chicken, but I have usually had minimum fallout from this strategy. Thank you.
i have bpd and i absolutely understand boundaries. It took me years, i had first to understand how to enstablish boundaries for myself. But i have empathy and i understand and value boundaries. But i think i've done a lot of work to heal childhood trauma and get emotionally healthier.
Good for you!! Opening up is a great step to healing...bpd is usually caused from trauma...wishing you all the best on your journey
I was raised by a father that was verbally abusive and I am watching him destroy my step mother. I am creating distance to save myself. Your video helps me ground my reality. Thank you.
Thanks you for this warning. So important for the abused person to get away safely. People with NPD have no capacity for introspection or personal growth. Their focus is outward always, as in how can they get revenge and how can they make you regret upsetting their applecart.
An advice you must follow.
A narcissist will eat sleep wake with your misery in her mind. No normal human being can defend himself against this.
"Just run" Wise words! Thank you ❤
I exposed as well no matter the credibility as he started already the smear campaign. But it felt so liberating to finally understand what was happening in my relationship that I felt the obligation to share it with many people as possible
I appreciate you phrasing it as someone with NPD, with sociopathic tendencies, or a covert narcissist. I have long thought my covert NPD ex has sociopathic tendencies, and just didn’t understand how much is cluster B overlapping, and how much is my lack of knowledge. This is an extremely informative video that helps me realize that my fears really are well-founded. Thank you!
Ross explained it like no one has before. My ex fit into so many diagnosis but never into any one. This video was spot on. Glad I didn't unmask my ex!
so crazy I have family like this. You dont even know your being abused or how crazy they are until you stand your ground and the shit hits the fan.
I didn’t realize a particular person *was* a narcissist until I called her out on anger outbursts. It was her reaction that allowed me to add it all up.
I’m dealing with my 20 year old grandson now
I love him and have memories of his sweet little boy ways and seen him grow up not being treated so well, so I have empathy . He needs rides to and from work . I’ve been doing that but now it’s starting to become problematic. I have been through the romantic narcs my mom and four sisters narcs . Stayed with ex husband 34 years needed up 2 adult sons narcs and three grandchildren narcs or BP or I don’t know . I have them all around me . I’m single and over the love a man thing. Lol . This fam thing is tough . I’m 62 I’ve got knowledge it’s just difficult still. Thanks Ross I needed to talk
I'm so glad this video showed up on my feed! I have considered trying to make the covert narcissist in my life aware of his behavior. I'll just continue with my exit plan.
Yes. I never called her out. I ran, blocked her from all social media, and my phone, and crossing my fingers that she will just go away, and feed off her new source of supply.
It has now been 2 weeks. 🤞
Curious how things are going now, 2.5 months later?
+1
She somehow got around my block then tried to Hoover me back. I set out new boundaries, and she called what I wrote a “rant.” Of course it was all my fault. NOT! 🤗
I figured how she got around my block and blocked her again. Three weeks now. Fingers crossed she goes away now. I NEVER GO BACK TO THIS PERSON.
I escaped a Covert Narcissist after 17 years of marriage. He had lots of money so I knew not to take a penny in order to survive.
Very good video.
I dealt with this situation twice in the workplace and only now understand why the bosses hated me so much.
Because i am a naive truth teller.
Either gather enough evidence to slay the snake or keep acting like an oblivious sycophant or leave.
My first unmasking did not reveal the dangerous response that I incurred as a result of my discard, divorcing the narcissist. He went full throttle in a campaign to ruin my life, which included an attempt to have me killed.
What do you mean kill you?!!!!
Ross, I'm living it right now !!! I set simple boundary - no more physical violence - we can argue all day long but no level 2. She had a hard time to agree to it on one of our couples sessions but eventually she did promise that. Year later it started again and once in my life I couldn't take this anymore - constant violation of my boundaries - I hit back and ended up in JAIL and facing domestic battery charges !!! Now in the eyes of hers family I'm the monster and no one knows how many times she attacked me...where is justice ?????
Calling the cops so there is a record of her physical violence the FIRST time she did this is the key. After that, gotta video record her getting unhinged unprovoked as evidence for the police so they can she that she is the aggressor.
It’s called reactionary abuse - they set you up to react to their abuse - and when you finally blow and can’t take it anymore they say “see?”. Expect the worst, as they will try to harm you where you are vulnerable, and plan accordingly.
With you bro.
Nephew got arrested and gun's shredded. Gf rammed her head into a tree and said he did it. California has a law that says guns gone in domestic abuse situations.
It doesn't matter what her family think of you. I hope you've walked away from her by now.
Oh God, thank you, you may have just saved me. Your video just popped up and the timing was crucial. I just confronted my covert narc husband with 3 huge boundaries. It was scary. I'll back down and become more objective. Keep my thoughts to myself and keep his mask on.
Wendy It does seem like the best thing to do in many, or even most, cases and people often tell me to stand up for myself, then I inform them that I've been physically assaulted, including losing teeth, quite a few times in my life for doing so! 🙁
I was strongly pushed into a marriage to a sociopath when very sick and vulnerable. I have been trying to get free for 34 plus years. I lost custody of our children after attempting to protect them from abuse and achieving a favorable divorce outcome. Proxy abuse/stalking has continued to destroy my life for the past 2 plus decades.
Ross, in your video ""Don't unmask a covert... " you predicted very accurately what my now STBX covert narcissist did to me. After i had my lightbulb moment and started to set boundaries, she then triangulated social services to make it look like i was psychologically abusive, etc. "THEY SET YOU UP TO LOOK BAD". Fortunately she had had rage fits etc in front of our kids school staff and social services' investigation led them to understand my wife clearly had mental health issues. So I suspect her attempt at smearing me fell flat. In divorce right now, just moved into my own place. Wonderful being able to breathe again.
This is all very spot on! The main red flag I always pick up on nowadays after having been in a relationship with a covert and malignant narc is an unusually high level of interest in me right off the bat. I would fall for these demons just waiting to rip my soul apart. A very cute gal approached me at my workplace recently with her bright blue eyes and clearly displayed full interest in me. She had “that look” in her eyes and I’m like… “Nope” lol not this time 😂
How do you tell apart real interest from narc interest? More importantly, what do narcs even want when they show interest?
@@Fakeslimshadythey show a level of interest that is beyond normal. They give you that soul mate stare that you think is intense erotic attraction but it is actually an apex predator sizing up their next meal.
They usually give you some line about how they love all the same things as you blah blah and try to mirror your body language etc. they praise you for all the things they know you value and size up your weaknesses and deliberately give excuses for the things you are vulnerable about so you are eating out of their hands.
They actually play the soul mate card or the BFF card really early on, like first date/ meeting and that is the biggest red flag of all!
They are the walking definition of too much too soon. They are always 'extra' in an almost surreally paranormal way. Like an attractive angel was just zapped down in front of you just to fall in love with you rubbish
@@lastthingsministry Not trying to defend their behaviour, but I wonder how much of these "narc traits" are just psychologist babble. Every person infatuated with another will try to imitate his or her behaviour, this happens subconsciously. Every infatuated person will display high interest that fades over time.
@@Fakeslimshady I have a Dad with NPD. Trust me, it isn't just psychobabble. People with this disorder lack empathy and object constancy and are prone to black and white thinking. You're either an angel or a devil to them and that usually depends on what you are doing for them at that very moment, how useful you are to them and they have impossible perfectionist standards for you too as they are entitled and see themselves as gods who can only be offered perfection every time. It definitely is not a psychological overstretch. This is unhappily a very real thing.
Going back to the lovebombing stage in romantic relationships. You asked if all interested parties mirror? Yes they do unconsciously a little to a degree. But having experience of both being pursued by people with NPD and people without it is VERY different. A person without NPD may try to impress you but they do this with their own character, with themselves. They will also have an awkwardness in that they are conscious they are trying to make a good impression. A non-NPD person has a self to be based in, no matter how awkward. A NPD person has no self at all. There is a void where their self should be. When they lovebomb you there is no reference to themselves at all. They will purposefully be your double. Not just mirroring your body language but all the things you love and hate. They will do this with an intense stare that you mistake for intense attraction. It isn't that, it is a predator honing in on prey. If you stripped away your own favourable reaction to it, the whole thing would be creepy and scary because it is. Sadly the people who are desperately needing of love and validation fall for it as they desperately want it to be true. A person who is already confident about themselves and comfortable in their own skin would see it as 'too much, too soon', creepy and stalkerish. I have been stalked by them but I once saw one of them as 'not a stalker' just because there was mutual attraction. Think about it though, someone you don't know waiting for you outside work everyday. That's not romantic is it? That's stalking behaviour and creepy. That's another point to make during love bombing. A non-NPD person will still be separate from you no matter how interested. A NPD will try to enmesh you on the first meeting. Enmeshment feels like someone is trying to climb inside your skin and take you for themselves. It is not romantic at all but very creepy. You won't think it is creepy though if you are attracted yourself. Usually it is the 'intensity' of the 'attraction' and the 'gaze' that makes another attracted.
@@lastthingsministry I see... that makes sense. Can't say I know anyone like that though, but if Depp's account of Heard is anything to go by I'd say his case sounds exactly like what you're describing. You do make it sound like it's an easy trap for happy, healthy individuals to spot. I'm not so sure about that though. Feels like these days many happy, healthy people are complaining about narcisstic individuals in their lives... surely these conversations we're having now were never a thing in the 60s, isn't it?
Run where? I’m isolated and my abusers have hypnotic, unnatural control over me. I’m cornered and they’ve closed all doors on me so I couldn’t leave even if I want to. I have no option but to take my chances and fight for justice the American way whether it works out for me or not. Only time will tell.
Get rid of the Beetlejuice & puck up plus READ A Holy BIBLE
Why can't you get a job? That would allow you to become independant
There is a woman's house you could go to. I forgot the name of this places, it's for woman who get abused!
Where ? I really need help !!! N Mississippi
My experience dealing with my bro-in-law covert narc, to safe my husband and my family from being used by him. I have known that if I expose him, he will make everything to destroy us through the extended fam we love. . He has done everything, but he is not successful, because we ignore all things he said, just keep calm, do not react, cut all sources that he enjoyed before, being the same person that our big family know us as nice and truthful person. We believe it takes time for our big family to know the truth. Some have expressed that they knew the truth, eventually the whole big family will come to that understanding. Let's see. We need tremendous patience to be a winner.
When I become aware of a person with these characteristics, like a co-worker, I often wonder what they are really capable of if they're about to be exposed. I've known some people who are so critical of others, and so obsessed with appearing perfect, that if someone was about to expose a video of them undeniably stealing yogurt from someone else's lunch, I honestly don't know what they would do.
For most people it would be embarrassing, and they'd be the butt of jokes for a while, then life would go on. But who knows what a narcissist would do when their ego is shattered in this way.
Excellent video. Unfortunately too late for me. When I left my husband he had already managed to psychologically take my daughter from me. But I have survived and finally thrived after a period of 5 years being my own best friend (and substitute parent) ❣️
Coverts are Oscar winning actors in courts playing the "victim" too. My ex cried crocodile tears to play on the female judge's heart strings, and even though I had proved my case I lost because of that performance. Worst feeling in the world. Even though I'm a strong Christian I wanted to get revenge on her so bad after, but I knew if I ripped off the mask, and took away her whole life as the super surgeon she believed she was she would either unalive herself, or snap and come after me. I prefer to just believe she is in her own private hell every day. If God wants to help her out of it that's on him.
Everybody has their flaws and brings in their own self-serving biases to assess themselves and others relationally. It may come across as over-used, but I am almost certain my ex-gf is a covert/vulnerable narc. I am no clinical psychologist (although I do have a doctorate in another field), but I have been listening to many videos from seasoned mental health experts (a big thank you to all of you who do this!) and I am finally getting a solid grasp on what I went through with her. So many of these personality-trait descriptions are eerily spot-on when considering that it was only me observing them with my gf on an personal basis. My question would be then how mental health professionals come to these personality diagnoses when not observing the subjects in daily action.
I imagine that it's a difficult task, as their partners can be biased or also suffer from a personality disorder. From my non-expert perspective, though the key appears to lie in detecting someone's lack of awareness (covert narcs, in this case) of any unethical tendencies in their core motivations, rationales, and modus operandi.
I was taken aback numerous times listening to my ex casually explain how she goes about extracting services and resources from individuals and organizations on the one hand, while making sure she never contributes anything in return on the other. Over time, I became increasingly angry as she applied this approach to me 100-fold with no weight on her conscience whatsoever.
It also disturbed me how desperate she was for social validation and attention, also using me to further those purposes when interacting with others in our professional and religious circles. It took me some time to understand the deeper layers of her background and psychology to explain all this, which motivated me to search out content on YT for more concrete answers. After a year-and-a-half, I knew it was beyond my abilities to change her, so I began building a separate support system outside the relationship and broke it off at an opportune time (mercifully). I am still dealing with the fallout so I will continue to watch content like this until I feel more safely out of the woods.
Thank you again!
Therapy is to serve the person. So when a narc goes to therapy because of their aweful boyfriend who thinks shes a narc the therapist will not say yeah hes probably right...therpaists arent there to call you out on your bullshit. Not to that degree. Psychiatrists might diagnose you with those tests like amber heard. Took. But theres no medication for narcs so its not really in their interest and a narc isnt going to go to a psychiatrist and accept that theyre a narc. So yeah i think you can easily diagnose these things but whats the incentive to do so.
Most therapists know very little if anything about narcs...unless you've dealt with one yourself you really wouldn't be able to understand it...
The problem is they don't respond to therapy. They know how to lie out of a psych session. Just like other Cluster B personality disorders, they are extremely hard to spot. Yes cluster B as in psychopathic or sociopathic, you know the kind of people that can convince a mother to let them do you know what to their own kids, ? like a cult leader. If you want to continue living with a cult leader that has a power of manipulation like nothing youve ever seen... stay. I am leaving the first chance I get.
Absolutely stupendous, Thank you so much for this Ross, You're absolutely beautiful, Thank you for all your help and advice, I love you Ross, Peace, love to you and everyone, Thank you universe 💞😀🥰🦄🐴⚘️😁✨️💫🌈😃😃🌌🧿👽🐉💎🧝♀️👁♾️😀💞
I know a covert narsacist who has now diagnosed herself as having multiple personalities (according to her, her therapist diagnosed it, though I think this is her new excuse). She was supportive, kind, friendly and helpful when I met her. I ended up helping her when her marriage ended. Boy what a turn around! I saw her suck people in left right and centre (food, money, clothes, you name it, she got it). She used every sob story she could to get everything she could from others. I became public enemy #1 because I couldn't do something for her. Boy what a switch, she told lies about me, had people block and blame me for things. I went from friend to an asshole in one step. She still can't work out why I keep my distance.
I already called him out.
Me too , never heard a peep out of him again , Shame, Guilt, Fear ,all the stuff he had projected onto me bounced right back on him , just some straight forward facts did the job , nothing nasty .
Me too! Not good!
@@utrnagel9441 yes not good.
The worst experience I ever had with a covert narcissist is one who is Sociopathic borderline and NPD. I was suppose to be this person friend, and he study who I was, and started telling me things about his self, such as women would question his sexuality... but after learning him for a periodt of time I saw why. The mistake I made was opening up to him and I also questioned him AND ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE, he made sure he made me feel every shame and every hurt he was feeling on the inside. Ask him but are we still friends he said he doesn't know.. it was to many confusion so I went no contact.
2 months after the incident, he Ran 2 blocks just to catch up to me just to ask me if I wanted a drink. I said no and from there never seen or heard from him again.. these people are strange. I also believe he is talking, and spreading rumors behind my back cause his friends would now pass me str8.
You cannot have any shared friends with a Narcissist. If they are new to your life, don't let them mix with your friends as they will try to poison them again you. If you are friends with their friends you will have to accept that you will probably lose them one day when they turn on you to become a flying monkey. The best thing you can do is to have completely separate lives from a narcissist and never ever let any new ones in.
Run, Forrest, Run!
Too late for me. Once I realized that my next door neighbor was a narcissist (encroaching upon every boundary I set forth), I let her know that I was on to her. Currently dealing with the aftermath, which proves absolutely everything I said was true. She is half my age and provokes me daily.
Yep, I deal with this too! Covert narcissist/sociopath and he’s a cop to make everything worse! They get OBSESSED with you even more when you call them out!
Thank you.. Gaslighting is inevitable.and it's very hurtful. My solution has been to- get out and sort myself out. Intuitively I know how dangerous it can bento confront/expose them. I was a co-dependant and learned to set boundaries, but the fear of being attacked is still there. 😊
“You are surrendering by not saying anything”
Well that is sad because that is why abusers never face consequences 😡
They do u just don't get to witness it most of the time!
They cannot have genuine and authentic meaningful relationships.
@@camellia8625 that's not a proper consequence since they don't care in the first place
They certainly do. My dtrs father has been married 5 times. Every divorce is a reset. They hide all the bad things. Thank God I raised my daughter to be strong and assertive. He kisses her butt, she li es him but she sees her folks for who they are❤
A narcissist is a true and actual definition of “ Hypocrisy “ . In other words : multiple faces of the same coin. In other words chameleons and anoles.
It's not so easy to run if you've been married to that covert narcissist for 42 years.
I set a boundary with a sister 2 yrs younger (from a deep feeling I couldn't shake) . . . She retaliated with ending my treatment for pain mgmt & had 3 different explanations about how she wasn't to blame. It's nearly 2 yrs later, & I've wanted to unmask her (in front of our mother) -- & recently it had just started to occur to me that she just might (realistically) react with extreme physical violence. After listening to a lot of different videos . . . Yours was the one that finally nailed down the reality that I did consider that . . . & now realize that I must not do that & have the best outcome of that knowledge. I'll watch your other videos & thank you for making them to help others . . . Today, you've helped me avoid that predictable outcome.
In order to get sympathy , a definite feature of a narcissist is pretending to be the victim, the underdog, despite that he / she always help others
Thank you Ross for your clear explanation. Hellps me a lot!
Yeah I’ve been divorcing a narcissist for almost 4 years now. Running and ignoring does nothing
My mom gave up on divorcing after five years. They've been separated for 26 now. A few years ago he decided he wanted the divorce, showed up at her place and had a rage storm in the parking lot after she refused to get in the car with him that minute to go file paperwork. Neighbors witnessed this and sheltered her in their place until he left. We had never seen that side of him before; he's more of the cool-tempered manipulator.
When your a real chosen one of God a covert Narcissist can not destroy you however as a Sigma Empath I will say I've been tested harshly and dealing with them can be extremely toxic ,negative, dangerous ,and draining.
Couldn't agree more. I have been damaged cause I unmasked some of these narkys.
a pathological narc who was abused so badly in infancy needs a kind empathic person, craves that, and at the same time wants to lash out onto that person (their target) for all the abuse they suffered in infancy (wanting to lash out rightly so in fact as no-one should get away with child abuse, not even mothers). Eventually the empath realizes they have absolutely nothing to do with the past sins of their narc's parents. I get what you mean. Think twice and thrice before saying anything.
This is exactly what happened to me with my narcissistic mother. She craves my compassion and empathy but also made me the scape goat. She slandered me to everyone when I decided I didnt want a relationship with her, and now in my adult life she calls me for psychological help. She also pretends she doesn't. She acts like to every other family member we have, that I don't exist. The golden child of the family is now the crazy one in desperate need of psychiatric help. He's exactly what she accused me of being.
@@theangel5416 that's what happens.
@@theangel5416 hear you. Same plus I had ex narc partner
My ex , who subjected me to emotional, psychological, financial,sexual and every other trick in the book destroyed every aspect of my life to the point that for years i was a gibbering wreak, and i am still fearful of him and his flying monkey recruits when out in public to this very day .
He is now the CEO of a local organisation that helps survivors of domestic and sexual abuse, which i only found out after being referred to them for treatment.
It sickens me to the stomach to read on-line interviews that he has given talking about the seriousness and life damaging impact that abuse has on a individual having “experienced abuse himself” allegedly , which i know is total BS as is every other word that spews out of his mouth. i feel duty bound to expose him for the sake of the organisation and everyone who works there or uses it services but i know that that would evoke unimaginable warfare that i’m still recovering from many years later after experiencing his destructive focus before.
l am torn inside but what can i do other than protect myself from even more destruction or worse still my own death which through years of covert abuse he almost achieved before?
Protect yourself 1st. He will be found out in the end. Watch and wait.
Yes, this is the right path to choose. Thank you
It is morally wrong to encourage people to live in fear of narcissists.
Do not cower before evil.
Protect the innocent.
Narcissists are learning disabled human beings.
Why fear them?
They help get rid of bad friends if they turn them into flying monkeys
Engaging them only brings you down
"Why fear them?"
Because they can go so far to try and kill the partner that wants to escape.
@@buttermepancake3613 That’s “learned helplessness” talking. Free yourself from “learned helplessness” and you will see them as the pitiful creatures they are.
@@AlexRyan you should still distance yourself from them. Keeping them in your life only adds toxicity. You can't fix people like that nor is it your job to.
Too
Many narcissists in my life 😮wow they evil 😈 🙌🙏🏽
hey ross I am almost done with reading your book and it is such a gem. I keep getting flashbacks from situations in my childhood with my mom and dad and siblings. and thanks to your book and videos I understand myself and my past a thousand times better. again, thank you so much!!
what book did you read? I'm over staring the problem but his insights seem to be unique. My ex gf didn't create any new harm, she exposed what was already there. Family...mom as cult leader. Siblings as minions.
Thank you so well said.. thank you again!
I feel like I've won by calling these people out but over the years I've felt more compassion towards these individuals because I truly feel like they are the ones who are suffering the most and now I wish I hadn't publicly exposed them for who they are
I left the nex some years ago. If I had told him I was leaving...I wouldn't have been able to leave 🙏🌷🐦
Truth
I called my narcissist out and I won :)
I accidentally unmasked a covert narcissistic sister before realizing she's narcissistic.
I'm trying to sue her to get out of a financial entanglement. She's been violent towards me, so I appealed to the entire family, who took her side and scapegoated me.
I still need to continue with the lawsuit, as there doesn't seem to be a way out of that cleanly. Otherwise, she's trying to take my house.
I had recently experienced an intense reaction from a woman, after I tried to compliment her.
She misinterpreted my compliment as a
criticism and doubled up as if punched in her
solar plexus letting out a moan of pain.
I believe she felt physical pain .
I was initially nonplussed but then underdtood I had somehow triggered a narcissistic injury to her.
I thought, as a way of making amends, by tutoring her son in highschool mathematics - but she shouted at me that she had a high level of mathematical knowledge, then turned her back on
me and stormed off !
Another narcissitic injury - she never has talked to me since!
But as in the video, above, her public face is diametrically opposed to her inner broiling cauldron of negativity.
Her demeanour and reactions to me prompted me to learn more about this type of mind set.
It grows out of early childhood trauma from negative parenting or absence from any - sad to say !!! ☹️
What a weirdo
Yes, if you confront or expose them watch out😮
If there were a mythology story about this, the hero would be told not to throw a rock at the bad guy and do not say "Nanny-nanny-boo-boo."
Instead, the hero would build a house of brick, take in their loved ones who also need protection, and stoke up the fire in the hearth.
@@SouthCountyGal That is the much better idea - effort spent on what is heartwarming! Hearth and home!
@@sage9836 There are many ways of being the hero. 💗
@@SouthCountyGal 💗
My mom did this to dad. Not let him see us for 4 yrs. I was 5 my sister was 20