Brought to you by Raycon. Go to buyraycon.com/CynicalReviews for 15% off your order! 1hr 20m Extended Cut available for Patrons & Channel Members: www.patreon.com/CynicalReviews ruclips.net/channel/UC1DCPS2j-o0bvfIilkc8RSwjoin $20 - God Among Men Bowlr Craig Huggins Kobayashi Maru Munchman TheCuddlyBot Tristan Richardson $10 - Exalted Legend Boring AF Burnhard Chewzilla Guiseppe La Monica TransmissionRory $5 - Legend Chris Alexander Christian Plitt Cody Huinker Deborah Fona AL-mansour Francisco J. Fritz IMCPalpatine JaxSeebs Jay Jesse Schoedel Joseph Richardson Kade Konnor Johnson Michael Evans Raddels Shannon Walker Tactical Bagels YYEyes $5- Channel Members Ana María Hernández Boring AF Chris Hughes Danny Miller Edd Starr Filip Malý KrashandBurn Lady Phoenix Grey Laura Hertzman Michael Gossman Uncle Nought Samuel Nielsen Steven Warner William Morrison $2 - Dude A Ari Rubin Carolin Tomczak Colton Dorron Hopeman Ede Durchian Frederik Gohns Ian T Gray Jeff Hatfield Joakim Myhre John Wheaton Katharina Gloning Kitty Little Maecenas Louie Stanley Malice Martin Maria Mattness LP Meghan Ruth Michael Barnes Minh Muki Nika kotnik nitemar Omar Abdul Jabar Oscar Medina Pascale Leonelli Raven’s Cry RentEldDoor Rissa Sly Robert Fithen Ryan Gannon Sally Santoyo Sholto The Tea Shop Crafts V3nik William Hornstra Woad Warrior Art Zoraprincess91 $1 - Supporter Alastair Oxby Alfred Edwards Alicia Windsor Amanda Gillies anonymous person Avery Swanson Carla Hoffman Charlie Hopper Chris Barnard Chris Jones Clarissa Wee Coco Călin Breazu Daemonumcamo Daisy Robinson Elf Evan Ryan Eve Filia Medicii Garking gorbadoekie Jerome Williams Jess JoYKiLL Kimber Kren98 Lauren Moon Lina Luke Peden Maruis Z Martha W MASTER STEW Matthew Alvernaz Michael Andrew Myuu chu Nicholas G. OneToxisPixel Pan Manis Philip Emmerson PrettyBagel Quantum23 Red Alert Rule Finlandia Rusty Banner SeriesofDays Sir Attlich The Cheap Pencil Show The FoE THree The Man of the Divide Vanessa Nilsson Wayne Bawden What_Social_Commentary Zahra S
My parents are avid readers and I'm now seriously considering sending them this book for Christmas with a note attached reading, "I dare you." It should be noted they are both retired teachers who cannot stand poor writing, typos and terrible books... And my step-mother is named Theresa... I might get disowned for this one.
Empress Theresa has exactly one good sentence in it: "If I were to write my autobiography now, I'd write three lines: 'I was born. I had a good time. I was vaporized by a bomb.'" Very Kurt Vonnegut.
My dad was in the military for 23 years in two different branches. When I told him about how quickly Mary Sue- I mean Theresa- was promoted from Private to a 5-star General, I could just *feel* the sigh of frustration from halfway across the country
Me, hyping myself in the mirror before submitting my novel: I am a decent writer. I love my work a healthy amount. I can accept criticism and be willing to concede to problems in the work. I am humble. I am not Norman Boutin. My novel is not Empress Theresa
I have no idea who Onision is and now I feel like things should stay that way, but for a moment I thought you were throwing shade at nisioisin for some reason
The original version of the book had 10-year-old Theresa home alone with a security system. When people told Norman you can't leave a kid that young home alone, he wrote in her sister Catherine, who had like one line and was only mentioned three times in the book. It's one of the few things Norman changed, for some reason. It really doesn't improve the book at all, but there's your reason Catherine even existed.
@@isuckatusernames4297 I don't know, but they did. That was in the Writer forums, I think it's still up. Maybe Norman was already a bit defensive about it, because Theresa spent some time explaining that her parents couldn't help her if a robber came in.
They also gave other advice, like "make the part with the fox a bit longer, you described her breakfast in more detail". But this, of course, Norman ignored. Maybe he couldn't be humbled to consider that the book has actual serious flaws, but details like Theresa home alone were things he could take or leave.
The part that still gets me the most is when Theresa gets this power, she takes it as a sign from god that she was meant to have it. But when other people start getting powers, she is horrified at the notion of some random schmoe being her equal and all notions of divine fate go right out the fucking window.
And then she just takes the power for hserself on a whim, meaning they were no threat to her whatsoever, she just threw a cosmic bitch-fit at not being THE one being in the universe with more power than a mere human.
When a British soldier in World War 1 decided not to bother shooting Hitler dead, Hitler decided that he was a man of destiny and was ultimately unstoppable. Sounds like Our Heroine…
If I'm being honest, "My name is Bob Smith, and I was the ugliest little shit as a kid" is actually a pretty engaging opening line. It's snarky and self-deprecating and you can already get a grasp on the tone of the story and the main character's voice. Far better than "My name is Teresa and I was a cute lil ten year old"
Kind of reminds me of the opening line from Postcards from the Edge by Carrie Fisher: "Maybe I shouldn't have given the guy who pumped my stomach my phone number, but who cares?"
@@caitlinsnowfrost8244 Krimson covers 'Book-Whackyness', ok, but what about Films? What about Real-Lifes? If its not too random to ask: Can i give you some watch-suggests? I promise Whackyness!!
I just started reading Empress Theresa after watching this video and I found something that makes this book an actual work of genius. Early in the first chapter Theresa mentions that she can't tell anyone about the magical fox she saw because "they will think she has schizophrenia like cousin Mary". This makes perfect sense, explains the delusions, hallucinations, disorganized speech (never read anything so disorganised in my life). This is the diary of a schizophrenia patient. Your welcome.
Huh, that's... actually a decent fit for the story. But almost certainly not deliberate, especially as the author treats the character as entirely sane.
@@Sacroxify ??? I cant find the Life-Stream from Yesterday anywhere! I watched more than Half of it and then went to Bed, and now its apparently Gone from RUclips!?
@@loturzelrestaurant It's just unlisted. You can still find it under ?v=yYbRvR0akMo but he said it'll be uploaded on a different channel too, if I remember correctly.
Theresa sounds like an SCP with how these guys describe her Even with SCP 682, they thought it was too risky to nuke it. With Theresa, it was part of the first attempt.
SCP 486, Also known as Theresa, seems to exhibit reality bending powers. However without her plywood board, she is powerless. We have concluded this is stupid and will be terminating the subject shortly via vacuume chamber.
Author: "Empress Theresa is a good character, everyone will look up to her!" Emperess Theresa: *resets the planet's rotation, turning the earth into an uninhabitable hot box*
Funny thing is, that probably doesn't even crack the Top 5 worst things she does. I'm not kidding, in the book's finale, she survives an assassination attempt by North Korea, decides North Korea doesn't get to exist anymore, forces the US government to make her a five star general, goes to war against North Korea, DECLARES HERSELF THE NEW DICTATOR OF NORTH KOREA, realizes that her idiotic plan to beat North Korea caused the alien inside of her to multiply and start infecting others, puts the entire planet into cryosleep for 600 years, and when people wake up they realize that in that time Theresa has had over 400 kids and used that time to build literal monuments to her own greatness all over the planet. I shit you not, that's how it ends.
You know you are reading a great book when the intent of the chapter is plainly stated on the begginning of it, and sometimes, not even fulfilled completely
"It's cliche to put something exciting in the first page" is like saying "it's cliche to use the breaks on your car when driving." Yeah, man. You ever think everyone does it for a good reason?
A a post-menopausal middle aged women, I can attest to the fact that we need a daily dose of steak sauce or we will starve to death. (This review is so hilarious!)
Is that what I'm doing wrong? I'm not middle aged... got about 20 years to go. But I'm technically post menopause thanks to medical issues. I thought I just needed an increase in my Estradiol.
I feel like this book is actually genius if instead of viewing this as someone’s Mary Sue fanfiction, you read it as an autobiography of a fictional totalitarian fascist dictator. Some of the stuff in this book doesn’t seem any less insane than the kind of propaganda people are taught in North Korea.
It's very funny since the first time I looked at that cover (before knowing what the story is about), that's exactly what I thought it was about. Somekind of a fictional dictator's rise to power
It really is a good hook, because it implies the protagonist is going to have a difficult, probably unlucky life that he has to struggle through. Or at least that it'll be comedic.
I'm so confused! I can't find the Theresa-Lifestream anymore?! I watched it for HOURS on End and then went to sleep at the halfway-mark (more or less) and now i cant find it anymore anyway!? Did Theresas Author use the Report-Button against this RUclipsr here??? Or what? @@system_ai9248
For such a virtuous, Christian man, Norman seems to be committing a fair few sins - namely, pride and wroth And thinly veiled lust for his own fictional creation
to be fair, even alot of good authors clearly had some... feelings... for fictional characters they made up... A lot of the ways tolkien described legolas have along with other things lead to theories that he may have been either Bisexual or homosexual... He was also very particular about artistic depictions of legolas in a way that he wasn't as much for other characters becoming very upset if he was not drawn as a super strong super masculine stallion of an elf...
Calling it “thinly veiled” is pretty generous and an over exaggeration IMHO. To say that veil is more than a couple of Planck lengths in thickness is still being more than slight hyperbolic TBH.
@@angrynoodletwentyfive6463 ok so I no this is an old comment but still. Could it just be that legolas was Tolkien's favorite character and he wanted to make sure he was depicted correctly. As seen in modern time elf's are often depictedy more feminine small and frail so maybe he just really wanted to make sure everyone was able to picture legolas in the way he envisioned him. Think of building a d and d character some people go all out would you call them closeted. Or maybe he based legolas off what he wished he looked like in his youth. I'm just saying.
Empress Theresa is like ALL the bad, abhorent fanfics ever written, all rolled into one and let to fester in its own eldricth abominable power in the deepest pit of Hell before being spat out into the mortal realm to plague mankind with the strength of ages and dominion over the cringe
Skimmed through his website... Found this gem: "Internet trolls are not literary critics. They show no evidence of knowing the first thing about literary criticism which is a disciplined science. All they do is criticize, using lies and distortions to denigrate the target of their hatred." *sigh*
The guy seems fairly delusional, I wouldn't expect him to understand where fantasy ends and the real world begins. Theresa I'm sure is very real to himself
As a Christian myself, allow me to inform you that all of these references to christianity are just really awkward in a book with such a blatant, clumsily done protagonist who is clearly supposed to be Jesus but better in every way. Also this guy is absolutely not following Christian ideals, despite his insistence on shoehorning them in.
There is a line in this book which i think tells you literally everything you need to know. Teresa makes it so that it is always daytime, and the logic here is that she does this so that assassins cannot kill people under the cover of night. The more I listen to this the more convinced I am that Norman is schizophrenic. Many, many plot points are built on the basis of assumptions surrounding Theresa being watched/persecuted, her having inexplicable knowledge of events and motivations of others, and her perceptions are completely malleable but are presented in a way that seems like the author imagines to be normal. Note the number of references to assassins. Theresa “feels watched”. “So they aren’t listening.” “I have sixty people in the room here with me.”
There's a comment on another video that agrees with this, written by a "clinically diagnosed recovering schizophrenic". They were able to follow all of Norman's logic. For example, "I immediately got the point of her calling the operator and asking for a pizza place - it comes out of a fear that the real operator was replaced with someone just pretending to be one." This is from one of the top comments on "Fredrik Knudsen: The Other Channel", the first video, in case you wanna jump back in.
Memorable opening lines *_Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas_* “We were somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert when the drugs began to take hold.” *_Fight Club_* “Tyler gets me a job as waiter, after that Tyler's pushing a gun in my mouth and saying, the very first step to eternal life is you have to die.” *_Empress Theresa_* “I'm Theresa, the younger daughter of Edward and Elizabeth Sullivan, and I hope it's not bragging to say I was cute as heck at age ten.”
Norman: "The book never mentions religion or God and isn't a blatantly religious work." Also Norman: "Criticizing the book for its blatantly religious message is literally blasphemy!" Pick one, Norman.
My idea for a plot twist: After Theresa died and "came back to life" it was actually HAL who was in the driver's seat of her mind. Therefore, HAL was the narrator all along, pretending to be Theresa - would explain the weird dialogue, and it could've stored some of her early memories when it initially went into her stomach
It has what Hollywood absolutely loves, a strong female lead. Make her black and she's perfect! The story is about on par with Hollywood's writing, so it should work.
I’m currently writing a breakdown of a fanfic of mine in a RUclips video’s comment section that has only been read and encouraged by the video’s uploader, and I’m sure that it is significantly better than this thing.
My favorite thing is that this book should’ve ended the moment that she jumped out of that third plane into the ocean. At acertain height that I don’t remember your impact on water is worse than on con concrete at that same height. Teresa is falling 50,000 feet and being pulverized on the ocean.
If you're conscious enough about these book reviews to appreciate your writing better, you're already a better writer than this guy is. I hope your novel does well!
Objection on the grounds that he was likely beaten to a pulp with a shovel by someone who likely read this dumpster fire of a book, and that was their motivation for going justifiably apeshit on him, so he can't use that as an excuse lol
I would love for someone to edit Empress Theresa Into an horror story where aliens or some extra-dimensional beings give superpowers to someone like Theresa to destroy the planet. Because she pretty much does that
What's weird is that she does a lot of extremely threatening stuff (some of which was accidental) and then gets angry that people are reacting in terror to flying rocks and shifting landmasses. She even starts tormenting a person she doesn't like, realizes she can get away with it, and gloats about how she can now get away with whatever she wants due to her amazing god-powers. This is in a story where the author is convinced she's the most pure, moral person to ever exist.
“We’ll put Theresa in a plane. Then, we’ll put that plane on an aircraft carrier. Then we’ll put her on another plane. Then when it reaches its destination, we’ll BLOW IT UP WITH AN A-BOMB!!! Hahahaha! It’s brilliant, brilliant, BRILLIANT!”
I absolutely love that Krim was already laughing before CJ even got to the part about the little old ladies and the steak sauce. Lol! This is an awesome review so far!
"I'm Theresa, the younger daughter of Edward and Elizabeth Sullivan, and I hope it's not bragging to say I was cute as heck at age ten." It doesn't exactly have the grip of "In a hole, in the ground, there lived a hobbit." ...
President Martin: She poisoned our water supply, burned our crops, _and delivered a plague unto our houses!_ Admiral: She _did?_ President Martin: No, _but are we just gonna wait around until she does?!_
Reminds me of those sex phone hotline ads that started coming on after 11:30 in my region Uhhh not that I would know anything about that. I'm a good Orthodox Jewish gurl.
@@viscountrainbows6452 Oh my god I was wondering where I got that awful feeling of "nostalgia" from and yep, those ads...those awful, awful ads. Damn you, I repressed those memories effectively until now! Not kosher, not kosher at all. :p
31:21 What's in Empress Theresa? Violence, bombings, shooting? No. Yeah, absolutely no bombings, except for the US military using the literal biggest bomb they have to try and murder Theresa in chapter four. But _everyone knows_ nukes barely count.
Quite possibly the best book review ever written: "What is art? Are we art? Is art art?" Lark Voorhies much ballyhooed literary debut is a fearless promenade into dementia; a Gertrude Stein-esque masterstroke of deliberate bathos scribed in the percussionary vocal cadence of vintage Shatner. Unrelenting in tone, True Light: A, superior, take, unto, the, premier, haloing, of, tenuation. Readily, available, True Light, provides, resource, into, time's, motifed, and, vestuved, authenticate, revelation centers on a young Ecuadorian donkey tamer thrust into insufferable Marxist warfare circa 1960s Columbia. And boy oh boy, what a read... Enjoy your Pulitzer, Miss Voorhies. This is quite simply the greatest book ever written, of all time, by a margin so wide that no book penned passed this point could even remotely compare. You want a difficult read? This book makes Ulysses look like a Tyler Perry screenplay. You want commas? You're in luck, because this book has more commas than words. It has so many commas I thought my book was raining. The commas broke my Kindle, which is a relief, because I'll never have to read again until the universe reaches maximum entropy. It's that good. I mean look at the title - there are words there that didn't even exist until Lark summoned them onto print. Genius. You know who else creates words out of thin air? Babies. And what is a baby if not God's opinion that the world should go on. Carl Sandburg said that, and I believe it's the underlying motif of Voorhies chef d'oeuvre. In summation they should have really followed up on that episode where Zack and Lisa started dating.
I said this already, but that was the most "that's what she said" sponsorship ever. The worst part to me was the music. It's from that awful macho-ass biker game Ride to Hell. No, it isn't during a sex scene... mostly because Jake doesn't have sex. He's like some sort of virgin chad in that universe since he doesn't take his clothes off
Some evil part of me wants there to be a film version of this but done in the Monty Python style where everything is just complete absurdity from second one
I just wanna say, when I was 10 I wrote a Legend of Zelda fanfiction about Older Romani and Older Link living a domestic life in the ranch after Majora’s Mask ... And that was leagues better than this book
465 pages... Just to compare a bit. The original Lord of The Rings: Fellow ship of The Ring book (1954) is at 423 pages. This one book is longer than Fellowship by 40 pages. And it is a story that can be summed up by 2 people in 40 minutes.
What's even better, the end of the review of Empress Teresa had an EVEN SHORTER description in THREE WORDS. Along with making one sentence summaries, Krim's review is thorough!
@@Mamorufumio I actually watch them day-by-day. I'll watch two in one day and watch the others in the same way. It's very good background noise for when I'm working on my art, since I like to multitask. I'd actually be able to watch them all at once in a row, but my attention span can be flimsy sometimes
Well sure, there's tons of great, well-written erotic fanfiction out there. It's not hard to find books written worse than some of the good shit on various erotica sites.
I used to work for a pay-to-publish company, and we regularly received manuscripts this bad. Some of them were terribly written AND hideously creepy. One was like the adventures of Fanny Hill…but the saucy seductress was Teresa’s age. Another had a chapter in which an angry little person kidnaps the sun and then chases it around the living room. Every single one of them was written like this but with even worse spelling and grammar. I stopped working there decades ago but some of those sentences are still burned into my brain.
@@hagfish2201 Basically the grand plan of the Zotz of Xibalba in Dominions 5. But instead of chasing it around they just want to trap it within the Earth to regain some sense of purpose after the previous god of the world said "No, you creepy bat-people don't get to protect and guide the Sun & Moon through the subterranean realms anymore."
I listen to that WAY more than I should. If you like that video, there’s one of Fred and his friend Jabroni Mike reading the Eye of Argon (a similarly garbage book) and it’s a good time.
Delusional to say the least. Literally everything Boutin has ever said or claimed has been disproved. He's the quintessential example of the loser escaping from reality with his fanfics so much that he can't even recognize reality anymore.
You have two months CJ, TWO MONTHS before the Kissing Booth 3 is released onto the world!!!!!!!!! We're right behind you mate, your fans have your back! Buy some Alcohol before and after you watch it. Do what the Critical Drinker does!
@@josepholivarez1281 Yes, yes he must, he signed a deal with the Devil that specifically states he must suffer for eternity watching crappy Netflix teen movies for the entertainment of us dirty, filthy plebs!
I hate when someone vilifies people as trolls without knowing the first thing about internet culture. Trolls aren't out to get you like your schoolyard bully, they don't have a unifying ideology, they're not a damn hive mind, and they're certainly not some dark matter force that's to blame for every bad movie review.
16:20-16:31 Remember, folks: THIS is the part of the story where Norman says we should know “nothing will stop this girl!” and want to read more. This is the part where I know that watching mud dry into dirt would be better entertainment than reading any further
Man at least My Immortal (while only being a fanfic) sort of made sense. I've been listening to you guys describe this book and I don't understand anything. Also the art on the covers looks like my art style from when I was like....10.
Most of the book describes Theresa trying to use her powers to solve global problems caused by earlier uses of her powers. USA trying to kill her is just the set up.
This feels like something I would see only in my dreams because in what universe would Cynical and Krimson be in a video together?? Doesn't matter, I can't wait for this drop!!
Lol, I was thinking the same. First it was CallMeKevin and Kitboga - the most random collab ever - and now Krim and Cynical. Giving me some off brand protagonist syndrome or smth
This book is one of those train wrecks that, no matter how many videos I see covering it, it's never enough. Even though everyone reaches the same conclusion, hearing their mental breakdowns is always novel.
I went on the Amazon page and the first two sentences of his biography read like this: "My biography has something in common with everybody's biography: how do we get through this world? When Theresa's death seems only minutes away, she makes a 'final statement:" I was immediately floored by the whiplash of those two sentences before I even got to read the rest of it.
He is a schizophrenic. Whenever he is critiqued or feels attacked in any way he just pulls a virtue of Theresa's out of his ass and then acts smugly as if he had proven who knows what argument.
Just so you are aware hot zone responses are a thing fire departments do. It isn't common but streets become extremely hot or sky scrapers reflecting sun light can cause fires.
I was just thinking, "This old fart reminds me of Derek Savage" and then you described him as the "Derek Savage" of novels! You just made my day, good sir!
I think the guy's more the "Ann what's her face who made Swiped" of the book world in regards to how he responds to criticism. At the very least, he doesn't actively try to ban or cause people to lose their accounts like she did.
Good lord, if something like “Of Mice and Men” can tell a good, coherent story with just over 100 pages, there is no excuse to fail at the same task with almost 500 pages.
Worst book ever written (romance-wise) was 'The Kiss Quotient' The way the author portrayed someone with mental and physical disabilities was unusually childish and uninspired, to say the least. They really dumbed their MC down IMHO which made it seem as though this was the way all people with her specific disabilities should be. The book was also heavily focused on how good sex is with the other guy (who is constantly referred to as looking like a K-Drama actor, incessantly) and how crap all the MC's other lovers have been. It's gross and weird and I can't ever re-read it.
Ahh didn’t the author also write another book with another autistic lead? Well if she doesn’t do a good job at writing it maybe she should stick to something else 💀
@@ArthurRex131 As far as I know he never openly stated his political views, but he's a Joan of Arc stan, seems like an overall pretty hardcore christian (while apparently not really giving two shits about a lot of christian values) and likes Ayn Rand and identifies with her main characters. This all paints him as a nutty conservative type. If you have anything that indicates he's not, I'd be happy to see it.
Brought to you by Raycon. Go to buyraycon.com/CynicalReviews for 15% off your order!
1hr 20m Extended Cut available for Patrons & Channel Members:
www.patreon.com/CynicalReviews
ruclips.net/channel/UC1DCPS2j-o0bvfIilkc8RSwjoin
$20 - God Among Men
Bowlr
Craig Huggins
Kobayashi Maru
Munchman
TheCuddlyBot
Tristan Richardson
$10 - Exalted Legend
Boring AF
Burnhard
Chewzilla
Guiseppe La Monica
TransmissionRory
$5 - Legend
Chris Alexander
Christian Plitt
Cody Huinker
Deborah
Fona AL-mansour
Francisco J. Fritz
IMCPalpatine
JaxSeebs
Jay
Jesse Schoedel
Joseph Richardson
Kade
Konnor Johnson
Michael Evans
Raddels
Shannon Walker
Tactical Bagels
YYEyes
$5- Channel Members
Ana María Hernández
Boring AF
Chris Hughes
Danny Miller
Edd Starr
Filip Malý
KrashandBurn
Lady Phoenix Grey
Laura Hertzman
Michael Gossman
Uncle Nought
Samuel Nielsen
Steven Warner
William Morrison
$2 - Dude
A
Ari Rubin
Carolin Tomczak
Colton
Dorron Hopeman
Ede Durchian
Frederik Gohns
Ian T Gray
Jeff Hatfield
Joakim Myhre
John Wheaton
Katharina Gloning
Kitty
Little Maecenas
Louie Stanley
Malice Martin
Maria
Mattness LP
Meghan Ruth
Michael Barnes
Minh
Muki
Nika kotnik
nitemar
Omar Abdul Jabar
Oscar Medina
Pascale Leonelli
Raven’s Cry
RentEldDoor
Rissa Sly
Robert Fithen
Ryan Gannon
Sally Santoyo
Sholto
The Tea Shop Crafts
V3nik
William Hornstra
Woad Warrior Art
Zoraprincess91
$1 - Supporter
Alastair Oxby
Alfred Edwards
Alicia Windsor
Amanda Gillies
anonymous person
Avery Swanson
Carla Hoffman
Charlie Hopper
Chris Barnard
Chris Jones
Clarissa Wee
Coco
Călin Breazu
Daemonumcamo
Daisy Robinson
Elf
Evan Ryan
Eve
Filia Medicii
Garking
gorbadoekie
Jerome Williams
Jess
JoYKiLL
Kimber
Kren98
Lauren Moon
Lina
Luke Peden
Maruis Z
Martha W
MASTER STEW
Matthew Alvernaz
Michael Andrew
Myuu chu
Nicholas G.
OneToxisPixel
Pan Manis
Philip Emmerson
PrettyBagel
Quantum23
Red Alert
Rule Finlandia
Rusty Banner
SeriesofDays
Sir Attlich
The Cheap Pencil Show
The FoE THree
The Man of the Divide
Vanessa Nilsson
Wayne Bawden
What_Social_Commentary
Zahra S
Ok
We have to pay for the krimcut?
There are books that are way worse like this one example sonichu
@MrDjBigZ I'm not trying to be funny here I'm just commenting man chill out
@MrDjBigZ everyone has their own opinion and it's ok if you don't like something
My parents are avid readers and I'm now seriously considering sending them this book for Christmas with a note attached reading, "I dare you."
It should be noted they are both retired teachers who cannot stand poor writing, typos and terrible books...
And my step-mother is named Theresa...
I might get disowned for this one.
Lol that would be the cruelest joke in the world, man. You should give it to them on april fools though.
Ohh please keep us posted when that happens...
Totally worth it for the lulz xD
I gotta hear this
Replying in case of updates
Empress Theresa has exactly one good sentence in it: "If I were to write my autobiography now, I'd write three lines: 'I was born. I had a good time. I was vaporized by a bomb.'" Very Kurt Vonnegut.
that would've been a BANGER first line
even a broken clock is right twice a day.
If you throw enough feces at a wall, eventually something will stick.
@@HoodieHorizon Yeah definitely better than the actual first line of this book.
honestly that would be a kickass writing prompt if it weren't written by someone who would probably try to sue you for using it as such
My dad was in the military for 23 years in two different branches. When I told him about how quickly Mary Sue- I mean Theresa- was promoted from Private to a 5-star General, I could just *feel* the sigh of frustration from halfway across the country
It could have been worse, could have made her a 6-star (a rank only created for and posthumously given to George Motherfucking Washington)
It's kind of funny because this is the only character that is an actual Mary Sue.
The fact that she becomes a 5-star General probably has what’s left of Douglas MacArthur rolling in his grave.
@@hydrofalls8154 Empress Theresa, ironically, is a bigger Mary Sue than THE Mary Sue 😭
@@RipRLeeErmey yeah like one is a self insert in a fanfiction. The other is just absurd
Me, hyping myself in the mirror before submitting my novel: I am a decent writer. I love my work a healthy amount. I can accept criticism and be willing to concede to problems in the work. I am humble. I am not Norman Boutin. My novel is not Empress Theresa
Now *that’s* a pep talk
And also I'm not Colleen Hoover
@@MysteryGeek2006or onision
@@REDACTEDbox oh god definitely not him💀💀💀💀
The dude that suffered through both of Onision's books makes the collab of the century
We suffer for your pleasure. It's like a bond between brothers.
I have no idea who Onision is and now I feel like things should stay that way, but for a moment I thought you were throwing shade at nisioisin for some reason
Three actually, Onision made a third book, and it's worse than the first two combined
@@truthwatcher2096 keep your eyes clean. You're innocent. I envy you.
Both? There's 3
The original version of the book had 10-year-old Theresa home alone with a security system. When people told Norman you can't leave a kid that young home alone, he wrote in her sister Catherine, who had like one line and was only mentioned three times in the book. It's one of the few things Norman changed, for some reason. It really doesn't improve the book at all, but there's your reason Catherine even existed.
He could have just replaced Catherine with a baby sitter
you actually can leave a kid home alone, at least in alot of places.
plus, why would people care about that part specifically ?
@@isuckatusernames4297 Some people love to nitpick, especially if the work is really bad.
@@isuckatusernames4297 I don't know, but they did. That was in the Writer forums, I think it's still up. Maybe Norman was already a bit defensive about it, because Theresa spent some time explaining that her parents couldn't help her if a robber came in.
They also gave other advice, like "make the part with the fox a bit longer, you described her breakfast in more detail". But this, of course, Norman ignored. Maybe he couldn't be humbled to consider that the book has actual serious flaws, but details like Theresa home alone were things he could take or leave.
The collab of the year. Dog Man and the Cat Wrangler verses Theresa, Creator of the Known Universe
Perfect
Quick; someone write a book about that instead. 😃😃
Well technically the collab of last year, since that's when it was recorded.
He’s not cat wrangler, he’s book Jesus
@@Sky_Cloud His hair isn't brown enough for that
“I wouldn’t call it a book so much as a tome of collected madness”
We found the Necronomicon boys…it just didn’t come as expected…
Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn
Where’s Bruce Campbell when you need him?!?!
This is my BOOMSTICK!
A Tome of collected madness.... sounds like the kind of thing HP Lovecraft would look at and say 'what fresh Hell is this?'
The part that still gets me the most is when Theresa gets this power, she takes it as a sign from god that she was meant to have it. But when other people start getting powers, she is horrified at the notion of some random schmoe being her equal and all notions of divine fate go right out the fucking window.
My holiday-gift for you, mercaius is to remind you
this video here exists and you COULD re-watch it.
And then she just takes the power for hserself on a whim, meaning they were no threat to her whatsoever, she just threw a cosmic bitch-fit at not being THE one being in the universe with more power than a mere human.
When a British soldier in World War 1 decided not to bother shooting Hitler dead, Hitler decided that he was a man of destiny and was ultimately unstoppable. Sounds like Our Heroine…
@@ZorotheGallade Sounds like the author's own insecurity tok over the wriitng and then he lashed out for not being the chosen one in real life.
@@markiangooleySource? It makes sense, but where is the evidence that happened?
If I'm being honest, "My name is Bob Smith, and I was the ugliest little shit as a kid" is actually a pretty engaging opening line. It's snarky and self-deprecating and you can already get a grasp on the tone of the story and the main character's voice. Far better than "My name is Teresa and I was a cute lil ten year old"
My thoughts exactly
Maybe the next chapter would be about Bob having a plastic surgery...
The Alcatraz Vs. books have kinda a snarky narrator like that. Though there are reasons for the self depreciation that are very spoiler-y.
Kind of reminds me of the opening line from Postcards from the Edge by Carrie Fisher: "Maybe I shouldn't have given the guy who pumped my stomach my phone number, but who cares?"
@@caitlinsnowfrost8244 Krimson covers 'Book-Whackyness', ok, but what about Films? What about Real-Lifes?
If its not too random to ask: Can i give you some watch-suggests?
I promise Whackyness!!
I just started reading Empress Theresa after watching this video and I found something that makes this book an actual work of genius. Early in the first chapter Theresa mentions that she can't tell anyone about the magical fox she saw because "they will think she has schizophrenia like cousin Mary". This makes perfect sense, explains the delusions, hallucinations, disorganized speech (never read anything so disorganised in my life). This is the diary of a schizophrenia patient. Your welcome.
I doubt the writer had that much thought put into this
Huh, that's... actually a decent fit for the story. But almost certainly not deliberate, especially as the author treats the character as entirely sane.
@@unexpected2475 A schizophrenia sufferer in denial, easy
That premise hardly makes it _interesting._
Leotheleprachaun whoosh
All the dislikes are probably from Norman and his alt accounts. If he’d make 10,000 responses on Amazon, this is nothing
If Norman truly summons his full power he could succeed in ratioing this video. He is the dark lord of socks.
TBF I was tempted to dislike because of how violated that sponsor section made me feel
@@Sacroxify ???
I cant find the Life-Stream from Yesterday anywhere!
I watched more than Half of it and then went to Bed,
and now its apparently Gone from RUclips!?
@@loturzelrestaurant It's just unlisted.
You can still find it under ?v=yYbRvR0akMo but he said it'll be uploaded on a different channel too, if I remember correctly.
More Collabs!
More long Videos!
Jay-Exci can confirm: ITS WORTH IT, BAAAABY!
"My name is Bob Smith, and I was the ugliest little shit when I was a kid."
Me too!
I would pay all of my money to see that book happen
Yeah, Bob Smith seems funny and self aware. He's probably a cool guy.
“I had a face that resembled a baboons anus and i constantly smelled of dog!”
Well, it's not that exact same sentence, but the Percy Jackson books are basically full of "problem children" saving the world
Theresa sounds like an SCP with how these guys describe her
Even with SCP 682, they thought it was too risky to nuke it. With Theresa, it was part of the first attempt.
Wasn’t one of the first 10 SCP’s literally God? I think the best case scenario is her being locked up.
@@richardball5843 343, you mean?
@@lordfelidae4505they mean SCP-001
@@Robotdestroyer0 which one?
SCP 486, Also known as Theresa, seems to exhibit reality bending powers. However without her plywood board, she is powerless. We have concluded this is stupid and will be terminating the subject shortly via vacuume chamber.
"My name is Bob Smith, and I was the ugliest little shit when I was a kid."
I desperately want to read that book.
My holiday-gift for you, is to remind you
this video here exists and you COULD re-watch it.
Duh.
Author: "Empress Theresa is a good character, everyone will look up to her!"
Emperess Theresa: *resets the planet's rotation, turning the earth into an uninhabitable hot box*
The only time anyone looked up to her was when she jumped off the plane.
Ah yes, I sure can look up to a character who set the planet on fire
Funny thing is, that probably doesn't even crack the Top 5 worst things she does. I'm not kidding, in the book's finale, she survives an assassination attempt by North Korea, decides North Korea doesn't get to exist anymore, forces the US government to make her a five star general, goes to war against North Korea, DECLARES HERSELF THE NEW DICTATOR OF NORTH KOREA, realizes that her idiotic plan to beat North Korea caused the alien inside of her to multiply and start infecting others, puts the entire planet into cryosleep for 600 years, and when people wake up they realize that in that time Theresa has had over 400 kids and used that time to build literal monuments to her own greatness all over the planet. I shit you not, that's how it ends.
@@MrPeaTearGryfin That would make a pretty interesting story if she was written as a villain instead of the protagonist
@@TheGalacksy I mean... Villain protagonists are a thing.
I think he drew the covers because couldn't find a cover artist that would add nipple buttons.
XD
Those are meant to be like pokets, the fact that he failed so misserably at it makes it funnier
Ahh that explains the terrifying thumbnail
Like. . . It can't be hard to commission an artist of some kind. XD
@@ShinFahima An artist that would listen to his... NEEDS?
XD
"This chapter sets up the story"
Krimson and Cynical: No shit, that's a book!!
@LTNetjak but would you still by that book if the author wrote it unironically.
@LTNetjak Then buy yourself a cookbook. Filled with random recipes.
@LTNetjak “Here’s me mum’s recipe for spaghetti. Oh yeah, there’s a story in the back too.”
I would say it's a tutorial for book writing. But i see that it's more like a tutorial on what to avoid and he didn't want it to be.
You know you are reading a great book when the intent of the chapter is plainly stated on the begginning of it, and sometimes, not even fulfilled completely
"It's cliche to put something exciting in the first page" is like saying "it's cliche to use the breaks on your car when driving." Yeah, man. You ever think everyone does it for a good reason?
Fully agree
Since Theresa's from Massachusetts, this book gets way more entertaining if you read all her dialogue in JFK's voice
Well, anything can be entertaining if read in JFK's voice.
JFK from Clone High yes.
"I choose to jump from this plane with a bunch of Coke bottles, and do the other things. Not because they are easy, but because they are hard."
JFK does not deserve the disrespect man lmfao
“I like your funny words magic man”
There isn’t enough whiskey in the world for me to unsee Norman’s face on Theresa.
Truly f ucking horrifying. I'll take that image to my grave...🤦♀️🤣
timestamp?
@@anautilus2004 4:28 Please drink something at least 80 proof afterwards.
@@michaelbutler1619 He might should have the drink first. To be fair he’s going to still need one after.
OMFG! I saw it the exact same time I read this comment. NIGHTMARE FUEL. Hands down
"Theresa makes the world a better place."
She deletes gravity.
And WIND
XD
@@Ramsey276one And Antartica...
Spacenoids would approve.
So basically the US government should have atom bombed her much earlier?
Do you believe in gravity
A a post-menopausal middle aged women, I can attest to the fact that we need a daily dose of steak sauce or we will starve to death. (This review is so hilarious!)
*takes notes so I can stock up*
@@martiqueheisler5959 remember to avoid the ones with a too narrow cap
I have an advanced case of "middle-aged post-menopausal woman", so I must only consume A1 brand steak sauce.
I read my nan that line from the book and she was cackling like a witch for the rest of the day.
Is that what I'm doing wrong? I'm not middle aged... got about 20 years to go. But I'm technically post menopause thanks to medical issues. I thought I just needed an increase in my Estradiol.
You know what Theresa's assassination scenario reminds me of?
"I'll put that flea in a box, and then I'll put that box in another box..."
I actually commented that here. Wasn’t copying you, but I suppose great minds think alike 😂
PULL THE LEVEL!
Holy shit a surtr pfp in non arknights content
@@libraeevee9467 "Wrong lever!"
@@Syoubat “why do we even HAVE that thing?”
I feel like this book is actually genius if instead of viewing this as someone’s Mary Sue fanfiction, you read it as an autobiography of a fictional totalitarian fascist dictator. Some of the stuff in this book doesn’t seem any less insane than the kind of propaganda people are taught in North Korea.
It's like tales that Xi Jimping or Mao Zhedong (can't remember correctly) carried like 150 kg of rice to the top of the mountain in one stroll xD
It's very funny since the first time I looked at that cover (before knowing what the story is about), that's exactly what I thought it was about. Somekind of a fictional dictator's rise to power
"Can you imagine HalfLife but instead of Gordon Freeman it's a teenage girl with waifu powers?"
WHY ARE WE NOT FUNDING THIS
WHO WILL DIRECT IT???
XD
@@Ramsey276one Norman Boutin, obviously
@@JHenry-nz7hy I am expecting this TO BE COMPLETE IN A DECADE
XD
Sounds like something that'd make a nice Gmod video series. lol
I.. Want to play that one on the video, yes, there's something wrong with me
Now there's a hook: "My name is Bob Smith, and I was the ugliest ten year old"
It really is a good hook, because it implies the protagonist is going to have a difficult, probably unlucky life that he has to struggle through. Or at least that it'll be comedic.
@@MegamanXfan21xx Yep. Just by doing the exact opposite you actually get a good starting line. A common trend on that "book"...
I'd read it 👍
I'm so confused!
I can't find the Theresa-Lifestream anymore?!
I watched it for HOURS on End and then went to sleep at
the halfway-mark (more or less) and now i cant
find it anymore anyway!?
Did Theresas Author use the Report-Button against this
RUclipsr here??? Or what?
@@system_ai9248
For such a virtuous, Christian man, Norman seems to be committing a fair few sins - namely, pride and wroth
And thinly veiled lust for his own fictional creation
Very true! Glad someone pointed it out.
I choose to believe that that isn’t a typo but instead a combination of “wrath” and “sloth” and somehow I feel it fits
to be fair, even alot of good authors clearly had some... feelings... for fictional characters they made up... A lot of the ways tolkien described legolas have along with other things lead to theories that he may have been either Bisexual or homosexual... He was also very particular about artistic depictions of legolas in a way that he wasn't as much for other characters becoming very upset if he was not drawn as a super strong super masculine stallion of an elf...
Calling it “thinly veiled” is pretty generous and an over exaggeration IMHO. To say that veil is more than a couple of Planck lengths in thickness is still being more than slight hyperbolic TBH.
@@angrynoodletwentyfive6463 ok so I no this is an old comment but still. Could it just be that legolas was Tolkien's favorite character and he wanted to make sure he was depicted correctly. As seen in modern time elf's are often depictedy more feminine small and frail so maybe he just really wanted to make sure everyone was able to picture legolas in the way he envisioned him. Think of building a d and d character some people go all out would you call them closeted. Or maybe he based legolas off what he wished he looked like in his youth. I'm just saying.
Empress Theresa is like ALL the bad, abhorent fanfics ever written, all rolled into one and let to fester in its own eldricth abominable power in the deepest pit of Hell before being spat out into the mortal realm to plague mankind with the strength of ages and dominion over the cringe
I’ve read bad like reallly fucking bad fanficton all those are god damn masterpieces compared to this
Please don't insult me like this
Skimmed through his website... Found this gem:
"Internet trolls are not literary critics.
They show no evidence of knowing the first thing about literary criticism which is a disciplined science. All they do is criticize, using lies and distortions to denigrate the target of their hatred."
*sigh*
Wow😅 he’s nuts
As if any actual critic would touch this book
WHY DOES HE QUOTE THERESA LIKE SHE'S A REAL PERSON?! HE MADE HER UP!!! Omfg this dude hurts my brain.
I guess he’s too far ‘in the zone’ where you put yourself in the character’s shoes😅
The guy seems fairly delusional, I wouldn't expect him to understand where fantasy ends and the real world begins. Theresa I'm sure is very real to himself
@@riftvallance2087 I'm pretty sure he sees Theresa as his wife/lover or Daughter figure. 🤮
@@NewtonPlays alabama vibes intensifies
@@NewtonPlays you mean AND daughter figure
As a Christian myself, allow me to inform you that all of these references to christianity are just really awkward in a book with such a blatant, clumsily done protagonist who is clearly supposed to be Jesus but better in every way. Also this guy is absolutely not following Christian ideals, despite his insistence on shoehorning them in.
Eeeeeeh, after listening to some of this book. Yeah he’s definitely NOT Christian
Oh we know. We actually discussed that in greater detail but had to cut it.
Oh geez holy crap he responded
thats what i thought too!!
@@storycaster4181 I’m surprised too😅
Why does the conversation between Theresa and the US government lady start like the transcripts on to catch a predator
Norman had to draw from personal experience
@@Freekymoho … 😳😦
@@Freekymoho Oh my God! 😆
There is a line in this book which i think tells you literally everything you need to know. Teresa makes it so that it is always daytime, and the logic here is that she does this so that assassins cannot kill people under the cover of night. The more I listen to this the more convinced I am that Norman is schizophrenic. Many, many plot points are built on the basis of assumptions surrounding Theresa being watched/persecuted, her having inexplicable knowledge of events and motivations of others, and her perceptions are completely malleable but are presented in a way that seems like the author imagines to be normal. Note the number of references to assassins. Theresa “feels watched”. “So they aren’t listening.” “I have sixty people in the room here with me.”
There's a comment on another video that agrees with this, written by a "clinically diagnosed recovering schizophrenic". They were able to follow all of Norman's logic. For example, "I immediately got the point of her calling the operator and asking for a pizza place - it comes out of a fear that the real operator was replaced with someone just pretending to be one."
This is from one of the top comments on "Fredrik Knudsen: The Other Channel", the first video, in case you wanna jump back in.
Memorable opening lines
*_Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas_*
“We were somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert when the drugs began to take hold.”
*_Fight Club_*
“Tyler gets me a job as waiter, after that Tyler's pushing a gun in my mouth and saying, the very first step to eternal life is you have to die.”
*_Empress Theresa_*
“I'm Theresa, the younger daughter of Edward and Elizabeth Sullivan, and I hope it's not bragging to say I was cute as heck at age ten.”
Two of these openings get me hooked on what’s going on and make me want to read more. The third is the opening to Fight Club
I’m kidding I swear
Norman: "The book never mentions religion or God and isn't a blatantly religious work."
Also Norman: "Criticizing the book for its blatantly religious message is literally blasphemy!"
Pick one, Norman.
My holiday-gift for you, Alfred, is to remind you
this video here exists and you COULD re-watch it.
Duh.
Thing is, he doesn't mean blasphemy against God or Jesus.
He means blasphemy against Theresa.
Also the whole "patriotic book!" with "doesn't have a political agenda".
My idea for a plot twist: After Theresa died and "came back to life" it was actually HAL who was in the driver's seat of her mind. Therefore, HAL was the narrator all along, pretending to be Theresa - would explain the weird dialogue, and it could've stored some of her early memories when it initially went into her stomach
To be fair this books writing style is closer to AI dungeon than an actual human being.
Cowboys one cowboys two
Or it's just a Jesus reference. Again
@@user-hv6wb5gk8p Know Hbomberguy? He's just as funny as those 2 youtubers here.
@@user-hv6wb5gk8p even AI dungeon isn’t this bad
To be fair, if a competent filmmaker adapts this book, it might actually be kinda amusing. I actually think people would watch it.
I'd watch it.
It has what Hollywood absolutely loves, a strong female lead. Make her black and she's perfect! The story is about on par with Hollywood's writing, so it should work.
If I was a filmmaker adapting that book, I would instead make a parody version of the book, because it was that awful.
Turn it into anti-christianity propaganda just to watch Norman seethe in his blog xD
Like the crew that made Dark Dungeons.
These and Onision’s books have convinced me that I should start writing books. My work wouldn’t be the worst on the planet, that’s for sure.
Same here
XD
I’m currently writing a breakdown of a fanfic of mine in a RUclips video’s comment section that has only been read and encouraged by the video’s uploader, and I’m sure that it is significantly better than this thing.
Well the problem is that you're boring
My favorite thing is that this book should’ve ended the moment that she jumped out of that third plane into the ocean. At acertain height that I don’t remember your impact on water is worse than on con concrete at that same height. Teresa is falling 50,000 feet and being pulverized on the ocean.
Might be the only realistic part of the book, in that she actually died from it, but alien fox jizz brought her back to life.
She died Two weeks after hitting the water*
@@facundotorres175 Nah, she died on impact, it took her two weeks to come back from the dead.
@@whiskeyhound huh, i must have misremembered... Or misunderstood, it's not like Norman is good at... Writing
@@facundotorres175 All good, probably for the best that you don't remember much of the details.
As someone trying to finally publish a novel, seeing reviews of ass cheek book reviews make me feel better about my writing
Good luck on your endeavors btw!
Write about Bob and how he was the ugliest shit as a kid
Go for it dude me too, the sky is the limit, if this dude can sell books we definitely can XD
If you're conscious enough about these book reviews to appreciate your writing better, you're already a better writer than this guy is. I hope your novel does well!
@@lexsombersunrise i think 4th graders with a c+ in english can write a better more engaging and interesting book
This writing is pretty good for a man who presumably was beaten relentlessly with a shovel and forgot how the real world works.
Objection on the grounds that he was likely beaten to a pulp with a shovel by someone who likely read this dumpster fire of a book, and that was their motivation for going justifiably apeshit on him, so he can't use that as an excuse lol
I would love for someone to edit Empress Theresa Into an horror story where aliens or some extra-dimensional beings give superpowers to someone like Theresa to destroy the planet. Because she pretty much does that
So Brightburn if it had started at its ending.
You mean it isn't already?
Imagine if she was the alien, then it would become Invincible
What's weird is that she does a lot of extremely threatening stuff (some of which was accidental) and then gets angry that people are reacting in terror to flying rocks and shifting landmasses. She even starts tormenting a person she doesn't like, realizes she can get away with it, and gloats about how she can now get away with whatever she wants due to her amazing god-powers. This is in a story where the author is convinced she's the most pure, moral person to ever exist.
@@stonefox2546 And? Ever watched Krimson Rogue thanks to C-Reviews recommending him?
-Just asking.
That plan to assassinate Theresa is somehow more convoluted than Yzma’s original plan to assassinate Kuzco! I love it! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
“We’ll put Theresa in a plane. Then, we’ll put that plane on an aircraft carrier. Then we’ll put her on another plane. Then when it reaches its destination, we’ll BLOW IT UP WITH AN A-BOMB!!! Hahahaha! It’s brilliant, brilliant, BRILLIANT!”
@@erickpoorbaugh6728 Or, to prevent a shockingly grotesque waste of military resources, we’ll just poison her with this.
This guy liked coke alright, he snorted so much that his brain rotted and melted out of his ears onto paper, and that's how Empress Theresa was made
Empress Theresa sounds like an erotic fanfic about Theresa May running through Fields of Wheat.
All right, I laughed out loud
"Thatcher In The Rye."
- John Oliver
And Norman advertises it as not erotic.
"Ah yes, the wheat." -- Basil Fawlty.
@@fds7476 lmfao💀
I absolutely love that Krim was already laughing before CJ even got to the part about the little old ladies and the steak sauce. Lol! This is an awesome review so far!
People say taking a ton of drugs will make you able to write crazy, outlandish, creative things. I think this is much closer to the actual result.
I agree and disagree. This could be possible, but Stephen King and Lewis Carroll wrote on drugs, so...
@@milicadiy Stephen King and Lewis Carol were actually talented people
@@kirabad-artist6532 Yeah, you're right.
@@milicadiy Also Steven King wrote some fucking crazy shit on drugs.
@@Sayajin3321 I know.
"I'm Theresa, the younger daughter of Edward and Elizabeth Sullivan, and I hope it's not bragging to say I was cute as heck at age ten."
It doesn't exactly have the grip of "In a hole, in the ground, there lived a hobbit." ...
President Martin: She poisoned our water supply, burned our crops, _and delivered a plague unto our houses!_
Admiral: She _did?_
President Martin: No, _but are we just gonna wait around until she does?!_
To be fair, she did do most of that
To be fair, she does much worse.
That Raycon ad was the funniest shit you've ever done, bravo
I hope I didn't scar you too much...
@@CynicalReviews Please never do that again.
JK, it was hilarious.
Your porn voice traumatised me so much... 😭
Reminds me of those sex phone hotline ads that started coming on after 11:30 in my region
Uhhh not that I would know anything about that. I'm a good Orthodox Jewish gurl.
@@viscountrainbows6452 Oh my god I was wondering where I got that awful feeling of "nostalgia" from and yep, those ads...those awful, awful ads. Damn you, I repressed those memories effectively until now! Not kosher, not kosher at all. :p
Just reading that title opened a flood gate of memories. This story was infamous.
STILL IS
XD
I remember discovering this from TheWorstThingsForSale
Oh what a romp that site was at a time.
This book is like his Chris-chan wasn't a sonic fan
Exactly. If you replaced Sonic with Jeanne D'Arc, you'd get this guy
man, I haven’t heard chris-chan’s name in ages
At least Chris-chan's work was online for free.
@@WobblesandBean That comparison sounds like Heresy...
The sad thing is in Chris's other world she now exists so when the merge happens Theresa will merge into our world and battle Chris for dominance
"this is why you have beta readers"
I think all of his beta readers died of a stroke reading his book
O
M
G
XD
31:21 What's in Empress Theresa?
Violence, bombings, shooting? No.
Yeah, absolutely no bombings, except for the US military using the literal biggest bomb they have to try and murder Theresa in chapter four. But _everyone knows_ nukes barely count.
This man's psychosis is on full display, just like Lisa Turtle's is in her series of books. The woman loves commas!
Lisa Turtle was a character on Saved By The Bell.
She was the rich, black girl who was quasi friends with Zach Morris
@@tecumsehcristero sorry, the ACTRESS that PLAYED Lisa Turtle. I didn't think her actual name, Lark Voorhies, would get the same recognition.
I've gotta check this out
Quite possibly the best book review ever written:
"What is art? Are we art? Is art art?"
Lark Voorhies much ballyhooed literary debut is a fearless promenade into dementia; a Gertrude Stein-esque masterstroke of deliberate bathos scribed in the percussionary vocal cadence of vintage Shatner. Unrelenting in tone, True Light: A, superior, take, unto, the, premier, haloing, of, tenuation. Readily, available, True Light, provides, resource, into, time's, motifed, and, vestuved, authenticate, revelation centers on a young Ecuadorian donkey tamer thrust into insufferable Marxist warfare circa 1960s Columbia.
And boy oh boy, what a read... Enjoy your Pulitzer, Miss Voorhies.
This is quite simply the greatest book ever written, of all time, by a margin so wide that no book penned passed this point could even remotely compare. You want a difficult read? This book makes Ulysses look like a Tyler Perry screenplay. You want commas? You're in luck, because this book has more commas than words. It has so many commas I thought my book was raining. The commas broke my Kindle, which is a relief, because I'll never have to read again until the universe reaches maximum entropy. It's that good.
I mean look at the title - there are words there that didn't even exist until Lark summoned them onto print. Genius. You know who else creates words out of thin air? Babies. And what is a baby if not God's opinion that the world should go on. Carl Sandburg said that, and I believe it's the underlying motif of Voorhies chef d'oeuvre.
In summation they should have really followed up on that episode where Zack and Lisa started dating.
@LTNetjak she's got major psychological issues, it's pretty sad. But she's medicated and has therapists, so at least she is getting help.
CJ, that sponsor bit was very uncomfortable when I sat in the living room with my family after dinner…
I'm sorry...
Wear headphones.
@@CynicalReviews are you though? 😂
Relatable
I said this already, but that was the most "that's what she said" sponsorship ever. The worst part to me was the music. It's from that awful macho-ass biker game Ride to Hell. No, it isn't during a sex scene... mostly because Jake doesn't have sex. He's like some sort of virgin chad in that universe since he doesn't take his clothes off
She got dem salad fingers
"I LIKE RUSTY SPOONS!"
@@CynicalReviews Hehehe classic
YES!;!!!;!
*ptsd*
Some evil part of me wants there to be a film version of this but done in the Monty Python style where everything is just complete absurdity from second one
And Theresa is played by a middle-aged man in a wig.
I just wanna say,
when I was 10
I wrote a Legend of Zelda fanfiction about Older Romani and Older Link living a domestic life in the ranch after Majora’s Mask
...
And that was leagues better than this book
That sounds adorable
I wanna read that tbh
465 pages...
Just to compare a bit.
The original Lord of The Rings: Fellow ship of The Ring book (1954) is at 423 pages.
This one book is longer than Fellowship by 40 pages.
And it is a story that can be summed up by 2 people in 40 minutes.
What's even better, the end of the review of Empress Teresa had an EVEN SHORTER description in THREE WORDS. Along with making one sentence summaries, Krim's review is thorough!
I've rewatched Krimson's videos on Empress Theresa so many times, so I'm so fucking hyped for this
how do you have 10 hours free to watch through it once?
@@Mamorufumio I actually watch them day-by-day. I'll watch two in one day and watch the others in the same way. It's very good background noise for when I'm working on my art, since I like to multitask. I'd actually be able to watch them all at once in a row, but my attention span can be flimsy sometimes
Lol same. It's my favourite series of his, I'd read the book when it still had an e-book version, and oh man, was I hyped to see Krim take it down
@@KeganLeavess funny enough, I use Krimson's vids as background noise while I write so totally relatable lol
I've seen fetishy fanfiction wrote better than... Whatever this is.
Wow.
The Raycon ad was better if you're looking for fetishistic kicks, heh.
I've seen omegaverse fanfics written better than this
@@angelikaskoroszyn8495 Star Wars: The Bad Batch: Into the Omegaverse
Well sure, there's tons of great, well-written erotic fanfiction out there. It's not hard to find books written worse than some of the good shit on various erotica sites.
@@Shenaldrac it's not a fanfic, but The Girl In 6E is my go-to against the claim that porn can't have a good story
British girl: let's make the world warmer so summer doesn't end.
Californians: this is fine
She's from Framingham, actually, not that that changes how utterly idiotic her endless daylight forever summer plan is.
I used to work for a pay-to-publish company, and we regularly received manuscripts this bad. Some of them were terribly written AND hideously creepy. One was like the adventures of Fanny Hill…but the saucy seductress was Teresa’s age. Another had a chapter in which an angry little person kidnaps the sun and then chases it around the living room. Every single one of them was written like this but with even worse spelling and grammar. I stopped working there decades ago but some of those sentences are still burned into my brain.
i'd read a folktale about an angry little person kidnapping the sun and chasing it around the living room ngl
I absolutely NEED more context about the dwarf chasing the sun.
@@hagfish2201 Basically the grand plan of the Zotz of Xibalba in Dominions 5.
But instead of chasing it around they just want to trap it within the Earth to regain some sense of purpose after the previous god of the world said "No, you creepy bat-people don't get to protect and guide the Sun & Moon through the subterranean realms anymore."
Watching people tear into this disasterpiece never gets old.
44 minutes. Oh boy there is going to be a lot to rip and tear into.
That is nothing. Krimson's original review is about 7 hours long. It's incredible.
@@thebiscuitstick2463 I rewatch that annually, its beautiful
@@thebiscuitstick2463 WHAT????
@@98953812 Yup. Go check out Krimson's channel. It's both amazing and informative.
Small reminder that Krim took 20 minutes on page 1 and still mentioned having to skip a few things
I just finished listening to Fredrik Knudsen do a 3.5hr reading of this.
I listen to that WAY more than I should. If you like that video, there’s one of Fred and his friend Jabroni Mike reading the Eye of Argon (a similarly garbage book) and it’s a good time.
Do you got the link?
Sounds like you fell Down the Rabbit Hole.
:P
I forgot to check that!
XD
@@Sir_Soaplo I don’t have a link, but the channel is “Fredrik Knudsen: The Other Channel”, and it’s the first video under Most Popular
When the most realistic part of your book is the US government blowing up your teenage protagonist with an atom bomb, something has gone wrong.
So Empress theresa is a delusional man's 400+ page fanfic about his mary sue OC
The reviews are gonna be gold!
Oh they were coz the delusional writer has zero self awareness and it's fucking hilarious
Delusional to say the least. Literally everything Boutin has ever said or claimed has been disproved. He's the quintessential example of the loser escaping from reality with his fanfics so much that he can't even recognize reality anymore.
I genuinely think he wants to be her, an omnipotent hot chick…
The RUclips Premiere music is the diet Vaporwave to the Max.
It's something, alright.
Someone should try to adapt this into a series, but turn Theresa into some kinda Homelander character
Theresa might actually be more of a threat than Homelander. At least Homelander cares about public opinion. Theresa literally sides with no one.
Seems more like Titan/Tighten in that sense.
You have two months CJ, TWO MONTHS before the Kissing Booth 3 is released onto the world!!!!!!!!! We're right behind you mate, your fans have your back! Buy some Alcohol before and after you watch it. Do what the Critical Drinker does!
Must he suffer further?
Good lord, there's a third one?
There’s a third one?!!!
@@josepholivarez1281 Yes, yes he must, he signed a deal with the Devil that specifically states he must suffer for eternity watching crappy Netflix teen movies for the entertainment of us dirty, filthy plebs!
@@twiggystone7815 Unfortuantley yes......
I hate when someone vilifies people as trolls without knowing the first thing about internet culture. Trolls aren't out to get you like your schoolyard bully, they don't have a unifying ideology, they're not a damn hive mind, and they're certainly not some dark matter force that's to blame for every bad movie review.
Unless its 4Chan
@@Robotdestroyer0 4chan trolls and internet trolls are entirely different breeds, along with tumblr trolls.
@@lordfelidae4505 those 3 are the same god damn species
@@Robotdestroyer0 oh my friend, I can assure you that at least one of those is something very different to what you think.
Unless you become a lolcow, and/or end up on KiwiFarms.
16:20-16:31
Remember, folks: THIS is the part of the story where Norman says we should know “nothing will stop this girl!” and want to read more.
This is the part where I know that watching mud dry into dirt would be better entertainment than reading any further
Tell Krimson that he should consider reading Modelland, can't wait to see him tearing apart that smizing dumpster fire
Seconded.
Oh boy, that one is a ride. Allison Pregler did a read through and it goes some strange places. Wasn't expecting it to be so gory and violent.
@@Geospasmic i know, how else did you think I found out about it?
@@Geospasmic
I’ve watched a few of those after I found her Baywatching videos.
@@CAMarino92
We all did!
Empress Theresa is *strong*
Empress Theresa is *noble*
Empress Theresa is *perfect*
Ew
EMPRESS THERESA IS REAL, SHE IS POWERFUL, AND SHE IS MY FRIEND.
My therapist: Empress Therasa fans aren't real they can't hurt you
Me:
I hope you are joking
The leader is good, the leader is great, we surrender our will, as of this date!
Man at least My Immortal (while only being a fanfic) sort of made sense.
I've been listening to you guys describe this book and I don't understand anything.
Also the art on the covers looks like my art style from when I was like....10.
Well you see a fox inserted a hot alien substance into...and...nope I am out its not worth it.
Most of the book describes Theresa trying to use her powers to solve global problems caused by earlier uses of her powers. USA trying to kill her is just the set up.
Check out Krimson's channel, he did 5-6 videos on it and it's a rollercoaster of stupidity and insanity that escalates with each video.
Did.... did you just say My Immortal *sort of* made sense?
I'm coming Elizabeth. This is the big one! 💔😵
And My Immortal was almost certainly a trollfic too, unlike this abomination.
To be fair, at least the writer of Empress Theresa doesn’t strike down criticism with the might of DMCA strikes.
Looking at YOU, Addison Cain!
If there's one motto that I feel a need to stand by, no matter my position:
*Art is meant to be judged.*
1000% THIS
XD
I've seen better love letters to Joan of Arc in FGO doujins
A man of culture
And some can be out of character, so that’s even worse or better
Wellyeah, doujinshi-artists actually know how writing works...AND drawing. None of this Salad-Fingers nipplebutton nonsense.
@@Leotheleprachaun "Salad-Fingers nipplebutton nonsense" is the single greatest thing I've read in the past week lol
Umm mind sharing some sauce
This feels like something I would see only in my dreams because in what universe would Cynical and Krimson be in a video together??
Doesn't matter, I can't wait for this drop!!
Lol, I was thinking the same. First it was CallMeKevin and Kitboga - the most random collab ever - and now Krim and Cynical.
Giving me some off brand protagonist syndrome or smth
Theresa:" No one remembers Charles Martel" *Proceeds to describe the achievements of Charles Martel.*
Norman Boutin *wishes* he'd been the ruler of Francia from 718 to 741 AD
As an aspiring writer with low self-confidence, it's always nice to be reminded just how low the bar is set.
forcing krimson to re-live his worst nightmare?
quite villainous....
I first heard about it from Down the Rabbit Hole. I am so excited to see this book get torn apart in your own way.
Krimson has a seven hour long series reviewing it on his channel, I highly recommend
This book is one of those train wrecks that, no matter how many videos I see covering it, it's never enough. Even though everyone reaches the same conclusion, hearing their mental breakdowns is always novel.
That video is fascinating to watch.
I love how they’re blithely violating the Test Ban Treaty with an atomic explosion 50,000+ feet up…
Cynical's snap review: "I'd rather put frozen potatoes in my arse than read this book."
You cannot convince me this book wasn't written by Neil Breen and Chris Chan!
It's quite easy, both of those guys have written more coherent stories than Empress Theresa.
If it was Neil breen, title would have been "emperor therion"
She doesn’t do enough hacking in the book.
If Neil Breen wrote it, it would actually be somewhat enjoyable.
I went on the Amazon page and the first two sentences of his biography read like this:
"My biography has something in common with everybody's biography: how do we get through this world?
When Theresa's death seems only minutes away, she makes a 'final statement:"
I was immediately floored by the whiplash of those two sentences before I even got to read the rest of it.
He is a schizophrenic. Whenever he is critiqued or feels attacked in any way he just pulls a virtue of Theresa's out of his ass and then acts smugly as if he had proven who knows what argument.
Just so you are aware hot zone responses are a thing fire departments do. It isn't common but streets become extremely hot or sky scrapers reflecting sun light can cause fires.
26:34 Because as we all know old women love steak sauce and are doomed to starve if they can't open a bottle of it.
I was just thinking, "This old fart reminds me of Derek Savage" and then you described him as the "Derek Savage" of novels! You just made my day, good sir!
At least as far as I know Norman didn't threaten to send ISIS his critics addresses like Savage did.
“Have fun, son! Alright!”
I cannot listen to the name Derek Savage without listening this phrase in my head.
@@DesolatedChild018 "Ignorance of the LOL is not an asscuse!" -"Daddy" Derek Savage
I think the guy's more the "Ann what's her face who made Swiped" of the book world in regards to how he responds to criticism. At the very least, he doesn't actively try to ban or cause people to lose their accounts like she did.
Good lord, if something like “Of Mice and Men” can tell a good, coherent story with just over 100 pages, there is no excuse to fail at the same task with almost 500 pages.
Worst book ever written (romance-wise) was 'The Kiss Quotient'
The way the author portrayed someone with mental and physical disabilities was unusually childish and uninspired, to say the least. They really dumbed their MC down IMHO which made it seem as though this was the way all people with her specific disabilities should be. The book was also heavily focused on how good sex is with the other guy (who is constantly referred to as looking like a K-Drama actor, incessantly) and how crap all the MC's other lovers have been. It's gross and weird and I can't ever re-read it.
Ahh didn’t the author also write another book with another autistic lead? Well if she doesn’t do a good job at writing it maybe she should stick to something else 💀
Was Empress Theresa one of the schizophrenic pet projects covered by Fredrik Knudsen, or was it just normal internet crazy? I can't remember.
It was covered by him.
"Atlas Shrugged is interesting!" Oh god. "America is going socialist!" Oh GOD he's exactly the type of conservative I expected him to be
He's not a conservative.
@@ArthurRex131 As far as I know he never openly stated his political views, but he's a Joan of Arc stan, seems like an overall pretty hardcore christian (while apparently not really giving two shits about a lot of christian values) and likes Ayn Rand and identifies with her main characters. This all paints him as a nutty conservative type. If you have anything that indicates he's not, I'd be happy to see it.
Hes definitely a nut. As to him being conservative? No conservative I know or have heard of thinks like this.
@@ArthurRex131 He's not like most conservatives but the extremist fringe type of conservative. Kinda like the conservative version of an sjw.
@@Author_Paluthor Alt-rightist then?
These two gods are really brought together by something so painful. My condolences.
"Hi, my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way, and I have long ebony black hair..."