For the person who submitted question 7: I grew up in a household that was almost exactly like what you're describing and I'm now going to therapy for it. It would have been better for me if my parents had just divorced. That said, every situation and person is different, and you can only make the best choice for YOU. You make the best choices you can with what you've got. I wish you all the love and luck in the universe. 💖
Setting healthy boundaries in a chaotic family system. Great validation. Thank you for the compassionate answer. That took me years. I sacrificed school and my work because my family was needy and threatened to hurt themselves and threatened to cut me off not just from them but from family and friends if I didn't help them. I tried to take a little space for work and school but they pounced. Yes, when I said, I needed to take care of my young family and didn't have as much time to take care of them, my first family cut me off from our extended family and family friends with a smear campaign. I knew being isolated and humiliated was always a risk - if I didn't do exactly what they wanted. My needs always paled in comparison to my family's. I was just trying to keep them alive. But not taking my basic needs seriously in my 20s affected my choices for the next 40 years. It's never too late to learn and live a better life. I am living a healthier life now. Also - thank you for your podcast on self-abandonment - excellent tools and role play in that podcast.
This question about family boundaries could have been written by me. in my 40s now. I didn't set the necessary boundaries in my early 20s unfortunately and subsequently ruined by own health trying to help other family members with their dysfunctional lives and habits. If I had a do over I'd have set the boundaries and very strict ones and save myself. After all I know now it is not possible to save others from themselves no matter how much you might love them. I've set the boundaries now and finally happy well and starting to enjoy life finally. Lots of healing work done.
52:18 yes please! a video about what questions the therapist "should" be able to answer. I see a therapist 2x a week and I want to know more about how she practices but don't know what to ask. Thanks for all this helpful info.
Right now I'm working on abandonment and self love; acceptance and confidence. It's brutally painful and generationally layered. As part of my routine and healthy supports, your conversations, your respective knowledge and experiences are a total blessing. The straightforwardness, humor and sweetness you both exude - help. Deep bow. 🙏
Thank you for this compassionate and encouraging approach to dealing with the dissonance between our somatic experience and our rational assessment of the situation.
Thank you!, this is brillant What you have to say here speaks on so many levels in respect of my pain and keeps my lonely pain company.What you offer on your vidoes is really an extraordinarily healing directions❤. I 'm a huge fan.
Unfortunately, I did do a genogram with my previous therapist without knowing the potential for deep trauma or retraumatization in the process. We spent 3 sessions building this diagram, and the whole time I was out of my body, parts of me trying to find ways to leave. I was even looking to the window beside me as an escape, verbalized my thoughts and state, and he just kept going. In the end I described the image as a crime scene. Please be careful when engaging in new techniques as a client or for curiosity. Find a therapist or friend who will respect body language and fears; recognize trauma itself and get more support.
Whoa, sounds like that must have been really disorienting and traumatic. One thing I have learned in my 68 years in this world is to be very watchful of power. People in power positions often abuse their positions (therapists, bosses, politicians, et al.). I say own your power and keep the balance. It is always okay to walk away, say no, tell someone to stop….you know yourself best and your limits. Don’t entrust others with your “self”….Tough lessons learned. I hear you. Hope this helps next time you face someone who oversteps….
Beautiful music also depends upon the listener... Also, I'm curious about needs and wants. Maybe it was just an example, but I've found putting work/education ahead of relationships potentially more damaging. Most families of the recent past have drilled down hard on work (school is in the same category) and mine, including the extended, was no different. Watching folks now, deliberately taking more time to be available to themselves and others emotionally, easing up on classes and work hours has been a blessing and allowed me to reassess. We might be careful to make sure the pendulum doesn't swing too far away. It's a perennial trap. 🙏
I spent so much time switching of my feeling because I was like a little mother when my parent walked out together ,that it took so many years to realise I actually had choices ..I still struggle with taking in and keeping information in my head ..its so frustrating as this is how I imagine how I will have the opportunity to evolve ..so then of course I beat myself up for feeling like the village idiot ..sometimes I can see the funny side but other times I would love to quote what I have learned ...love you two together imagine if all parents and children could communicate like this .
"Boundaries are the space I need to love you" - That's powerful
For the person who submitted question 7: I grew up in a household that was almost exactly like what you're describing and I'm now going to therapy for it. It would have been better for me if my parents had just divorced. That said, every situation and person is different, and you can only make the best choice for YOU. You make the best choices you can with what you've got. I wish you all the love and luck in the universe. 💖
Setting healthy boundaries in a chaotic family system. Great validation. Thank you for the compassionate answer.
That took me years. I sacrificed school and my work because my family was needy and threatened to hurt themselves and threatened to cut me off not just from them but from family and friends if I didn't help them. I tried to take a little space for work and school but they pounced. Yes, when I said, I needed to take care of my young family and didn't have as much time to take care of them, my first family cut me off from our extended family and family friends with a smear campaign. I knew being isolated and humiliated was always a risk - if I didn't do exactly what they wanted.
My needs always paled in comparison to my family's. I was just trying to keep them alive. But not taking my basic needs seriously in my 20s affected my choices for the next 40 years.
It's never too late to learn and live a better life. I am living a healthier life now.
Also - thank you for your podcast on self-abandonment - excellent tools and role play in that podcast.
This question about family boundaries could have been written by me. in my 40s now. I didn't set the necessary boundaries in my early 20s unfortunately and subsequently ruined by own health trying to help other family members with their dysfunctional lives and habits. If I had a do over I'd have set the boundaries and very strict ones and save myself. After all I know now it is not possible to save others from themselves no matter how much you might love them. I've set the boundaries now and finally happy well and starting to enjoy life finally. Lots of healing work done.
52:18 yes please! a video about what questions the therapist "should" be able to answer. I see a therapist 2x a week and I want to know more about how she practices but don't know what to ask. Thanks for all this helpful info.
No thank you.
Right now I'm working on abandonment and self love; acceptance and confidence.
It's brutally painful and generationally layered.
As part of my routine and healthy supports, your conversations, your respective knowledge and experiences are a total blessing.
The straightforwardness, humor and sweetness you both exude - help.
Deep bow.
🙏
Yes to this entire message 💕🫶
Wow, the timeliness of this episode couldn’t have been better for me, thank you. I also really appreciate the summary at the end - super helpful.
what an incredible episode, thank you
Thank you for this compassionate and encouraging approach to dealing with the dissonance between our somatic experience and our rational assessment of the situation.
The rate of change over time, is it fast enough to be good enough - I love this, so clear and precise 🙏🏻
What thoughtful, kind, educated responses I heard from both of you. Touched me greatly. Thank you.
Your both wearing green! Another wonderful podcast, thank you!
Thank you. Totally love the matching tops too.
Thank you!, this is brillant What you have to say here speaks on so many levels in respect of my pain and keeps my lonely pain company.What you offer on your vidoes is really an extraordinarily healing directions❤. I 'm a huge fan.
Wow! Thanks very much for all the great insights in this episode - esp about kids suffering vs injury during & after parent's divorce.
big shouts to the HEAL process. Super helpful tool for living
I didn't catch the reference to the HEAL process. I suppose its an acronym for something. What is it? Thanks.
Unfortunately, I did do a genogram with my previous therapist without knowing the potential for deep trauma or retraumatization in the process.
We spent 3 sessions building this diagram, and the whole time I was out of my body, parts of me trying to find ways to leave. I was even looking to the window beside me as an escape, verbalized my thoughts and state, and he just kept going.
In the end I described the image as a crime scene.
Please be careful when engaging in new techniques as a client or for curiosity.
Find a therapist or friend who will respect body language and fears; recognize trauma itself and get more support.
Whoa, sounds like that must have been really disorienting and traumatic. One thing I have learned in my 68 years in this world is to be very watchful of power. People in power positions often abuse their positions (therapists, bosses, politicians, et al.). I say own your power and keep the balance. It is always okay to walk away, say no, tell someone to stop….you know yourself best and your limits. Don’t entrust others with your “self”….Tough lessons learned. I hear you. Hope this helps next time you face someone who oversteps….
Beautiful music also depends upon the listener...
Also, I'm curious about needs and wants.
Maybe it was just an example, but I've found putting work/education ahead of relationships potentially more damaging.
Most families of the recent past have drilled down hard on work (school is in the same category) and mine, including the extended, was no different.
Watching folks now, deliberately taking more time to be available to themselves and others emotionally, easing up on classes and work hours has been a blessing and allowed me to reassess.
We might be careful to make sure the pendulum doesn't swing too far away. It's a perennial trap.
🙏
Thank you so much 🙏
I spent so much time switching of my feeling because I was like a little mother when my parent walked out together ,that it took so many years to realise I actually had choices ..I still struggle with taking in and keeping information in my head ..its so frustrating as this is how I imagine how I will have the opportunity to evolve ..so then of course I beat myself up for feeling like the village idiot ..sometimes I can see the funny side but other times I would love to quote what I have learned ...love you two together imagine if all parents and children could communicate like this .
Thank you for what you both do.
👀 boundaries? Evidence based? Therapy? Just what I need😁
This was really lovely 🥲
❤❤❤
❤
The title alone is empowering. Thank you for sharing your smarts. 📡🪶💗
Wow, the timeliness of this episode couldn’t have been better for me, thank you. I also really appreciate the summary at the end - super helpful.
Wow, the timeliness of this episode couldn’t have been better for me, thank you. I also really appreciate the summary at the end - super helpful.