You figured it out. Family is a unit that supports and protects. Wanting it from a unit incapable of that triggers depression and low self esteem. Realizing the unit is broken allows you to reassess what the family you want looks like. Then you can make steps to find people who can fill those needs positively because they also treasure the same things. It takes time and is totally worth it. Prayers that you will continue on with this journey.
It's comments like this that make me want to overshare everything about my life haha, I may have figured it out but you've worded it far better than any of my attempts have managed to! Thank you!
@@DanaAndersen you are welcome. I have a few decades over you. I wish I had figured it out at your age. Lots of profound suffering and seeking faith. It worked out because I mentor your age group. It allows me insight into your age. You all are faster. What a blessing
please do that video! I've had similar experiences with reading- there wasn't a transition that was clear between 'childrens novels' and 'agatha christies' etc so I couldn't branch out. What was in the house was what was 'available' so there wasn't a sense of new material outside of that space and I wasn't aware not of how to access the books externally to my house, but any relational interest that was a bridge between me to them.
I agree and have also experienced a 'block' with reading as a teen and still now as an adult (39). I hyperfocused on reading from a young age, mainly Enid Blighton and read the whole collection of famous five, the fairaway tree, secret seven, some police series and a boarding school series (I have a terrible memory). As a teen I stopped reading and became obsessed with my gameboy and wanted to complete all 100 levels of donkey Kong, I wouldn't put it down.
I’m really sorry you have had to protect yourself from your family to avoid further pain from them. Whatever they did if it feels right then you did the best thing. I imagine it’s always going to be a source of sadness but as you said you can build your own family with supportive people who still love you. I don’t think benefits are free money and I suspect that you wouldn’t judge another person who claimed them. I hope that you’re able to work in future but that’s purely because benefits are pretty hard work given they’re supposed to be supporting the sick and disabled and they’re enough to exist on but they’re not generous especially given the current price of food and energy. I’m glad you found a therapist you can afford and who is autistic. I see my therapist through whats app video since covid struck and it works well for us. I hope she has you feeling better although I know it’s hard work to go through painful things. I have found therapy much harder work than I ever thought I would find it but it’s also given me tools to help myself with my anxiety and depression. I’m taking baby steps towards no longer needing therapy but I am getting there. It sounds like you’re dealing with a huge amount and I am not surprised that you are anxious but it sounds like you are a very strong person and you’re going to be Ok. It’s not necessarily going to feel like that every day but you have stayed strong through these terrible months. I wish I could hug you and promise it’s all going to be Ok, I will have to settle for telling you that I genuinely care about you and will be hoping for the best for you. I am glad you’re getting better doctors and that you enjoyed pride they both sound like big steps forward. Thank you for sharing your video with us, I hope the rest of the year is a lot better than the previous months have been.
This comment had me tearing up haha, thank you so much, everything you've said here is so kind and validating! The upside for me at the minute is that its not like things can really get worse :') Thanks again for such a lovely comment though, I know its 'just' words online, but it really means a lot
I'll try to comment without lapsing into a shameless trauma dump. Don't feel bad about receiving support. If it helps you and reinforces your place in the world, that's a good outcome. Your already touching many lives and that alone is priceless. If I thought I could have an autistic therapist, let alone a proper diagnosis, it might be transformative. Life is Samsara, endless struggles it seems. What I've come to appreciate is that it ebbs and flows, and somehow we manage not to drown. If we can extract a bit of wisdom and compassion through negotiating our challenges, then it wasn't all for nothing, right? Anyway, thanks for sharing so generously of yourself. It helps. Edit: amended archaic phrasing, lol
Thank you David, your comments always bring such a refreshing perspective, and you always say such kind things about these lil videos of mine haha. I'm as glad to have found people such as yourself through them as any of you are to have found the videos!
I appreciate the update even if it is a bit heavy and stuff. I found your channel just recently and I've been watching a good bunch of videos. I appreciate what you said about the funeral as someone who has struggled with similar feelings recently after the passing of an uncle. Anyways thanks for the video, I enjoyed it because I found it relatable and that's helpful in my life. Cheers.
I didn't mean to at all shade adults that do read YA/childrens, I just don't enjoy them so much anymore and haven't a clue what to move onto, any reading in any genre is totally a good thing!
@@DanaAndersen Don't worry lovely, it didn't come across like that at all. (Well, I didn't take it that way) a few years ago I was the same. I felt like a bit of a baby for still enjoying them, but since I've been studying Creative Writing at uni it doesn't bother me anymore. Because it's actually really common. - many just won't admit it. 😄
I get what you mean tho, there are some I don't enjoy. Personally I prefer the coming of age/Upper YA where the protagonist is old enough to make adult decisions etc.
Life does not seem that linear, at least to me. The past constantly intrudes on the imminent present and frames possible/probable futures, but all are experienced at the same time in my mind, creating the anxiety I feel as I assess the present moment and getting - often - lost in the possibilities and scripts for dealing with them in the imminent future. At which point the masking that I usually maintain fails and one has to face the difference of experience between myself and the NT majority - and ask those questions that eventually lead us to sites such as yours. As always, thank you for the thought provoking's. Sorry to hear your troubles, but happy to hear that your therapist seems to understand and fit with you; I hope to find the same for myself soon: I think it is needful for many of us (but can only really comment on my own experience/need in this matter). On the reading side, I love sci-fi, and so suggest Joan Slonczewski's "A Door into Ocean" - always a favourite read that I dip into again and again to remind me and ground me in better expectations for our human condition. The future does not have to be so bleak. 😊
@@artemisXsidecross Unmasking my inner self is a recent evolution of self, and one that I rarely allow myself to explore on sites such as Dana's - and only with persons that inspire me to do so, such as Dana and yourself. It is difficult for me to do so, and - I both admit and regret - takes additional supplements to release. But - like many of those artists you allude to - in this behaviour I know that I am not alone (although I have no artistic excuses to quell subsequent self-loathing. Then again, must sometime relate my teenage obsessions with Byron's works and life - although admit Shelley the greater poet and mustn't start on Mary and her contributions). Ah, the tangents you inspire @artemis sidecross, thank you. 😊(stimming) As to wanting to fit in - the why of that particular behaviour is answered by the expectations of others - family/friends/etc. that we are raised by/inculcated into wanting to be part of that NT paradigm (if we are to be considered successful/desirable/relatable within it's system). It is when we (continually) fail to meet those expectations that we begin to realise that this paradigm was never created for us autists. It is that eventual realisation (for me) that brings attention to the modernity/absurdity point that you elucidate so well and which brings many later/different autists to places such as this to express their deeper introspections. I am fully prepared if others believe I am wrong in this ND assessment of the NT paradigm, it is just where I have come to so far - and I am always willing to be educated by others with better insights than mine. As to the puzzle of NT attraction to bizarre absurdities (don't get me started on "sports" as a spectacle for veneration) - I have no answers; only further questions 😅 On this particular NT paradigm, I am completely lost. I too enjoy our conversations @artemis sidecross, thank you for helping to elucidate my inner processes, as does Dana's thoughts and insights. To (self) refer to my book recommendation to Dana - I do so enjoy "learnsharing" with you and Dana. It is a lifeline to me.
Hey I'm sorry your having a bad year. You have had a lot to deal with. I haven't got much to say as having a bad day and flat mood in general. It sucks but hoping it's a little better when I wake up tomorrow! Fingers crossed. It always feels to me like it will never go away but maybe that's the ADHD being impatient! Take care and thanks for sharing x
@@DanaAndersen Thanks I did wake up to a better day but it turns out I was coming down with something and am now pretty ill so at doctors tomorrow. I hate going to the doctors but my mum came today (used to be a nurse) and said that she could see one side of my face is swollen and my throat is red raw. I cant eat or drink as swallowing is painfull and I checked my dairy to realise I've not had solid food since 20th July. Oops
I'm sorry you had to go through so much. Recently I've been struggling with writing things down, but I guess it wouldn't be a bad idea. This is probably gonna be a long one, no one will read it, but that's fine. I don't even know where to start. Maybe in the present. Right now I feel incredibly lonely, sad and lost. Let's start with the lonely. I don't even know why I'm getting so incredibly lonely the last few months. I've always been alone. I have never had a mutual close relationship in my life. Never been told that I am loved or even liked by anyone, including my parents. About my parents: basically I'm just a big disappointment and all they ever want(ed) is for me to "just be normal". Which I never was or ever will be. They abused me, mentally and physically. They never gave me any support, opportunities or anything I needed/wanted to get a somewhat fair chance in this life. Instead I just feel like they broke me and threw me out on the streets. And I know I will never get that life I could have had, the opportunities I missed and the life I want because of that. E.g. I was talented/had a special interest in music, but that was always strongly discouraged, so there never came anything of it. I also never had a mutual close relationship with anyone else, it was always one sided, and still is. Honestly, maybe people only talk/meet up with me out of pity. This year someone that meant a lot to me for many years just stopped replying. Like. How can you even do that? Was this whole relationship just some kind of elaborate joke? Besides that I only have two other people I can talk to. But they both are very busy, I'm no priority in their life, never will be. I'm "smart" in some areas, so people at uni write me to ask for help or whatever, just like it was at school, but no one ever wants a relationship with me. To be fair, I also don't like most people and wouldn't want a close relationship with them, but still. I just feel completely isolated. Besides that I also have no idea what the hell I'm doing. I'm at uni because I simply cannot work, it would kill me. This way I still get some governemnt funding and don't have to do a 40 h work week (I couldn't even do 20) at some stupid job, that's about it. But being at uni takes all my energy and I have none left for doing things I enjoy. A big reason for that is also the stupid feature of my brain that I can only do one thing per day. So if I do something for uni, that's all I can do that day. I literally cannot switch tasks. I have tried so many tactics, but they simply do not help, my brain just get's stuck. So I'm stuck doing things I don't enjoy all the time (because I'm also not very productive and also have to try to organize things/stretch them out in order to be able to do one thing after the other to not have to switch tasks) and it's slowly killing me. But I don't even know what I would want to do. At this point I feel like I don't have any interests anymore. I've lost my passion for music. Reading. Physics. Painting. Adult life for me is just a constant struggle/race, one day after the other. So many things to do, I can't keep up. I don't want this anymore, but there is no way out. I don't have any family that could support me financially. I'm sure I'm.not sick/disabled enough for government aid. So I'm stuck in this vicious cycle. But mostly I just feel so lonely recently. My biggest wish always was to have a family. I used to dream of getting adopted by nice people. But I've come to realize that's not how the world works. You just get thrown into it, some are dealt worse cards than others, and you just have to find your way or perish. No one will actually help you. All they do is tell you to "talk to a therapist". Thanks. I don't need a therapist. I need a family, friends and money. But yes, put me in a psych ward, so that you don't feel responsible or have to acknowledge that sometimes life is just awful. If I am the problem there's no one who's responsible. Awesome. Fuck. You. Sorry. I'm just so mad. At the world. But of course that's just sadness/grief. I'm too tired now to write more. That's also a feature of mine. Having little energy. Has always been that way, even as a toddler/child I was apparently always sleeping and lying around. Oh well. But of course that's only because I'm lazy.
I always read your comments, and I wouldn't want to say I enjoy them due to the subject matter, but I certainly feel understood and like I can relate a lot when I read them. I suck at answering comments, and even more at offering any kind of support or advice, but I can at least tell you I get you. I feel like I massively benefit from therapy, but its not creating the close friendships I wish I had and feel lonely about, it does the exact opposite of helping me not worry about money almost constantly despite having found a therapist with shockingly low rates, and its not giving me the family I wish I had and see other people have just been born into (good for them, I don't mean to imply they don't deserve it, just that I'm jealous lmao). I want to tell you its never too late to get into music or anything else, there's probably loads more people than you'd expect that would love to be your friend, and things will 'get better', but I know well enough from my own experience none of that matters when you barely even have the energy to think about doing anything. So all in all this is a fairly useless reply, but I do read each of your comments, and the things you've shared with me have made me glad to have started this channel, because I so relate and understand, and I just wish I had the words to make either of us feel better
You are so kind and intelligent, thank you. I also always feel like we are on the same page about many things. I wish I would write more comments, I'll try to, I really should. You really don't suck at answering comments or offering support or advice. Your reply just made me feel much better than anything anybody recently said to me. I guess it's because, even though we don't actually know each other, you understand me quite well. I have actually tried therapy, two times, but I've come to realize that the setting just isn't for me. I don't know, it just doesn't feel right to me. I just cannot build any trust with therapists. It's such a one way street (I tell you everything about my life you tell me nothing) and they are even paid to listen, it just feels too weird to me. I've found it much more helpful to try to chat with people on the internet, those who understand my situation because of personal experiences, and generally finding resources and tipps/ideas for the things I'm struggling with and trying to implement those. And I feel like I've actually come a long way with that. Worked a lot on my trauma and everything related to that, from self hatred to anxiety. I feel like those things really don't impact my quality of life much anymore. What does though is the lack of family, friends and money. But those are things I cannot work on. I really feel your jealousy towards people with functional families. I sometimes still feel that as well, but over the years it has just turned into this big sadness and pain. But I think that's a totally appropriate reaction, both feelings. In my opinion we have every right to be jealous, angry, sad or whatever. Lacking family is such a horrible thing and has a massive impact, something that people with families can probably never truly understand. And thank you, that's very kind of you to say. It makes me want to try to pick it up again, I just wish life wasn't so stressful and my brain so weird. The combination will probably lead to me giving up again very soon. A big hurdle is also the anger and sadness I feel when sitting at the piano and thinking about what could have been if I just had one person to support me, but well. I guess I'll somehow have to "just" get over that if I ever want to make music again. And yeah, there are probably people out there who'd want to be friends with me, it's just so hard to find them. It feels nearly impossible to find someone I like who likes me back. It's also difficult to meet new people when you can't go anywhere people usually meet (parties, generally social activities) because your brain get's overstimulated by literally everything, is socially "incompetent" (in the eyes of neurotypicals) and you're just generally weird. And I know that things have the potential to get better, they just haven't been doing that for a very long time now and I feel like it's getting more and more unlikely with every passing day. You did make me feel better
![Роберт Сапольски - Депрессия [Vert Dider]](/img/1.gif)
You should not see the benefits you receive as "free money" - you get them because you need them.
OTHER WOMEN, by Lisa Alther and the Heart is a lonely hunter by Carson McCullers, or anything by Aldous Huxley
You figured it out. Family is a unit that supports and protects. Wanting it from a unit incapable of that triggers depression and low self esteem. Realizing the unit is broken allows you to reassess what the family you want looks like. Then you can make steps to find people who can fill those needs positively because they also treasure the same things. It takes time and is totally worth it. Prayers that you will continue on with this journey.
It's comments like this that make me want to overshare everything about my life haha, I may have figured it out but you've worded it far better than any of my attempts have managed to! Thank you!
@@DanaAndersen you are welcome. I have a few decades over you. I wish I had figured it out at your age. Lots of profound suffering and seeking faith. It worked out because I mentor your age group. It allows me insight into your age. You all are faster. What a blessing
I reckon if you do art, you ARE an artist. ✌️💕🎨
I have that view of everyone but myself haha, thank you for the reminder
please do that video! I've had similar experiences with reading- there wasn't a transition that was clear between 'childrens novels' and 'agatha christies' etc so I couldn't branch out. What was in the house was what was 'available' so there wasn't a sense of new material outside of that space and I wasn't aware not of how to access the books externally to my house, but any relational interest that was a bridge between me to them.
I agree and have also experienced a 'block' with reading as a teen and still now as an adult (39). I hyperfocused on reading from a young age, mainly Enid Blighton and read the whole collection of famous five, the fairaway tree, secret seven, some police series and a boarding school series (I have a terrible memory). As a teen I stopped reading and became obsessed with my gameboy and wanted to complete all 100 levels of donkey Kong, I wouldn't put it down.
I’m really sorry you have had to protect yourself from your family to avoid further pain from them. Whatever they did if it feels right then you did the best thing. I imagine it’s always going to be a source of sadness but as you said you can build your own family with supportive people who still love you.
I don’t think benefits are free money and I suspect that you wouldn’t judge another person who claimed them. I hope that you’re able to work in future but that’s purely because benefits are pretty hard work given they’re supposed to be supporting the sick and disabled and they’re enough to exist on but they’re not generous especially given the current price of food and energy. I’m glad you found a therapist you can afford and who is autistic. I see my therapist through whats app video since covid struck and it works well for us. I hope she has you feeling better although I know it’s hard work to go through painful things. I have found therapy much harder work than I ever thought I would find it but it’s also given me tools to help myself with my anxiety and depression. I’m taking baby steps towards no longer needing therapy but I am getting there.
It sounds like you’re dealing with a huge amount and I am not surprised that you are anxious but it sounds like you are a very strong person and you’re going to be Ok. It’s not necessarily going to feel like that every day but you have stayed strong through these terrible months. I wish I could hug you and promise it’s all going to be Ok, I will have to settle for telling you that I genuinely care about you and will be hoping for the best for you. I am glad you’re getting better doctors and that you enjoyed pride they both sound like big steps forward. Thank you for sharing your video with us, I hope the rest of the year is a lot better than the previous months have been.
This comment had me tearing up haha, thank you so much, everything you've said here is so kind and validating! The upside for me at the minute is that its not like things can really get worse :') Thanks again for such a lovely comment though, I know its 'just' words online, but it really means a lot
I'll try to comment without lapsing into a shameless trauma dump. Don't feel bad about receiving support. If it helps you and reinforces your place in the world, that's a good outcome. Your already touching many lives and that alone is priceless. If I thought I could have an autistic therapist, let alone a proper diagnosis, it might be transformative. Life is Samsara, endless struggles it seems. What I've come to appreciate is that it ebbs and flows, and somehow we manage not to drown. If we can extract a bit of wisdom and compassion through negotiating our challenges, then it wasn't all for nothing, right? Anyway, thanks for sharing so generously of yourself. It helps.
Edit: amended archaic phrasing, lol
Thank you David, your comments always bring such a refreshing perspective, and you always say such kind things about these lil videos of mine haha. I'm as glad to have found people such as yourself through them as any of you are to have found the videos!
I appreciate the update even if it is a bit heavy and stuff. I found your channel just recently and I've been watching a good bunch of videos. I appreciate what you said about the funeral as someone who has struggled with similar feelings recently after the passing of an uncle. Anyways thanks for the video, I enjoyed it because I found it relatable and that's helpful in my life. Cheers.
Don't worry too much about the books. I'm 32 and read children's, YA, and adults. Just read whatever sounds good. 😊
I didn't mean to at all shade adults that do read YA/childrens, I just don't enjoy them so much anymore and haven't a clue what to move onto, any reading in any genre is totally a good thing!
@@DanaAndersen Don't worry lovely, it didn't come across like that at all. (Well, I didn't take it that way) a few years ago I was the same. I felt like a bit of a baby for still enjoying them, but since I've been studying Creative Writing at uni it doesn't bother me anymore. Because it's actually really common. - many just won't admit it. 😄
I get what you mean tho, there are some I don't enjoy. Personally I prefer the coming of age/Upper YA where the protagonist is old enough to make adult decisions etc.
Life does not seem that linear, at least to me. The past constantly intrudes on the imminent present and frames possible/probable futures, but all are experienced at the same time in my mind, creating the anxiety I feel as I assess the present moment and getting - often - lost in the possibilities and scripts for dealing with them in the imminent future. At which point the masking that I usually maintain fails and one has to face the difference of experience between myself and the NT majority - and ask those questions that eventually lead us to sites such as yours.
As always, thank you for the thought provoking's.
Sorry to hear your troubles, but happy to hear that your therapist seems to understand and fit with you; I hope to find the same for myself soon: I think it is needful for many of us (but can only really comment on my own experience/need in this matter).
On the reading side, I love sci-fi, and so suggest Joan Slonczewski's "A Door into Ocean" - always a favourite read that I dip into again and again to remind me and ground me in better expectations for our human condition. The future does not have to be so bleak. 😊
@@artemisXsidecross Unmasking my inner self is a recent evolution of self, and one that I rarely allow myself to explore on sites such as Dana's - and only with persons that inspire me to do so, such as Dana and yourself.
It is difficult for me to do so, and - I both admit and regret - takes additional supplements to release. But - like many of those artists you allude to - in this behaviour I know that I am not alone (although I have no artistic excuses to quell subsequent self-loathing. Then again, must sometime relate my teenage obsessions with Byron's works and life - although admit Shelley the greater poet and mustn't start on Mary and her contributions).
Ah, the tangents you inspire @artemis sidecross, thank you. 😊(stimming)
As to wanting to fit in - the why of that particular behaviour is answered by the expectations of others - family/friends/etc. that we are raised by/inculcated into wanting to be part of that NT paradigm (if we are to be considered successful/desirable/relatable within it's system). It is when we (continually) fail to meet those expectations that we begin to realise that this paradigm was never created for us autists. It is that eventual realisation (for me) that brings attention to the modernity/absurdity point that you elucidate so well and which brings many later/different autists to places such as this to express their deeper introspections.
I am fully prepared if others believe I am wrong in this ND assessment of the NT paradigm, it is just where I have come to so far - and I am always willing to be educated by others with better insights than mine.
As to the puzzle of NT attraction to bizarre absurdities (don't get me started on "sports" as a spectacle for veneration) - I have no answers; only further questions 😅 On this particular NT paradigm, I am completely lost.
I too enjoy our conversations @artemis sidecross, thank you for helping to elucidate my inner processes, as does Dana's thoughts and insights.
To (self) refer to my book recommendation to Dana - I do so enjoy "learnsharing" with you and Dana. It is a lifeline to me.
Hey I'm sorry your having a bad year. You have had a lot to deal with. I haven't got much to say as having a bad day and flat mood in general. It sucks but hoping it's a little better when I wake up tomorrow! Fingers crossed. It always feels to me like it will never go away but maybe that's the ADHD being impatient! Take care and thanks for sharing x
I know the feeling, but I hope you did wake up to a better day, and if not, I hope tomorrow is brilliant!
@@DanaAndersen Thanks I did wake up to a better day but it turns out I was coming down with something and am now pretty ill so at doctors tomorrow. I hate going to the doctors but my mum came today (used to be a nurse) and said that she could see one side of my face is swollen and my throat is red raw. I cant eat or drink as swallowing is painfull and I checked my dairy to realise I've not had solid food since 20th July. Oops
Oh no I’m so sorry to hear that! I hope your appointment goes as well as it can, that it’s nothing serious and you recover soon!
@@DanaAndersen thanks xx
I'm sorry you had to go through so much.
Recently I've been struggling with writing things down, but I guess it wouldn't be a bad idea. This is probably gonna be a long one, no one will read it, but that's fine.
I don't even know where to start. Maybe in the present. Right now I feel incredibly lonely, sad and lost.
Let's start with the lonely. I don't even know why I'm getting so incredibly lonely the last few months. I've always been alone. I have never had a mutual close relationship in my life. Never been told that I am loved or even liked by anyone, including my parents. About my parents: basically I'm just a big disappointment and all they ever want(ed) is for me to "just be normal". Which I never was or ever will be. They abused me, mentally and physically. They never gave me any support, opportunities or anything I needed/wanted to get a somewhat fair chance in this life. Instead I just feel like they broke me and threw me out on the streets. And I know I will never get that life I could have had, the opportunities I missed and the life I want because of that. E.g. I was talented/had a special interest in music, but that was always strongly discouraged, so there never came anything of it.
I also never had a mutual close relationship with anyone else, it was always one sided, and still is. Honestly, maybe people only talk/meet up with me out of pity. This year someone that meant a lot to me for many years just stopped replying. Like. How can you even do that? Was this whole relationship just some kind of elaborate joke?
Besides that I only have two other people I can talk to. But they both are very busy, I'm no priority in their life, never will be.
I'm "smart" in some areas, so people at uni write me to ask for help or whatever, just like it was at school, but no one ever wants a relationship with me. To be fair, I also don't like most people and wouldn't want a close relationship with them, but still.
I just feel completely isolated.
Besides that I also have no idea what the hell I'm doing. I'm at uni because I simply cannot work, it would kill me. This way I still get some governemnt funding and don't have to do a 40 h work week (I couldn't even do 20) at some stupid job, that's about it. But being at uni takes all my energy and I have none left for doing things I enjoy. A big reason for that is also the stupid feature of my brain that I can only do one thing per day. So if I do something for uni, that's all I can do that day. I literally cannot switch tasks. I have tried so many tactics, but they simply do not help, my brain just get's stuck. So I'm stuck doing things I don't enjoy all the time (because I'm also not very productive and also have to try to organize things/stretch them out in order to be able to do one thing after the other to not have to switch tasks) and it's slowly killing me.
But I don't even know what I would want to do. At this point I feel like I don't have any interests anymore. I've lost my passion for music. Reading. Physics. Painting. Adult life for me is just a constant struggle/race, one day after the other. So many things to do, I can't keep up.
I don't want this anymore, but there is no way out. I don't have any family that could support me financially. I'm sure I'm.not sick/disabled enough for government aid. So I'm stuck in this vicious cycle.
But mostly I just feel so lonely recently. My biggest wish always was to have a family. I used to dream of getting adopted by nice people. But I've come to realize that's not how the world works. You just get thrown into it, some are dealt worse cards than others, and you just have to find your way or perish. No one will actually help you. All they do is tell you to "talk to a therapist". Thanks. I don't need a therapist. I need a family, friends and money. But yes, put me in a psych ward, so that you don't feel responsible or have to acknowledge that sometimes life is just awful. If I am the problem there's no one who's responsible. Awesome. Fuck. You.
Sorry. I'm just so mad. At the world. But of course that's just sadness/grief.
I'm too tired now to write more. That's also a feature of mine. Having little energy. Has always been that way, even as a toddler/child I was apparently always sleeping and lying around. Oh well. But of course that's only because I'm lazy.
I always read your comments, and I wouldn't want to say I enjoy them due to the subject matter, but I certainly feel understood and like I can relate a lot when I read them.
I suck at answering comments, and even more at offering any kind of support or advice, but I can at least tell you I get you. I feel like I massively benefit from therapy, but its not creating the close friendships I wish I had and feel lonely about, it does the exact opposite of helping me not worry about money almost constantly despite having found a therapist with shockingly low rates, and its not giving me the family I wish I had and see other people have just been born into (good for them, I don't mean to imply they don't deserve it, just that I'm jealous lmao).
I want to tell you its never too late to get into music or anything else, there's probably loads more people than you'd expect that would love to be your friend, and things will 'get better', but I know well enough from my own experience none of that matters when you barely even have the energy to think about doing anything.
So all in all this is a fairly useless reply, but I do read each of your comments, and the things you've shared with me have made me glad to have started this channel, because I so relate and understand, and I just wish I had the words to make either of us feel better
You are so kind and intelligent, thank you. I also always feel like we are on the same page about many things. I wish I would write more comments, I'll try to, I really should.
You really don't suck at answering comments or offering support or advice. Your reply just made me feel much better than anything anybody recently said to me. I guess it's because, even though we don't actually know each other, you understand me quite well.
I have actually tried therapy, two times, but I've come to realize that the setting just isn't for me. I don't know, it just doesn't feel right to me. I just cannot build any trust with therapists. It's such a one way street (I tell you everything about my life you tell me nothing) and they are even paid to listen, it just feels too weird to me. I've found it much more helpful to try to chat with people on the internet, those who understand my situation because of personal experiences, and generally finding resources and tipps/ideas for the things I'm struggling with and trying to implement those. And I feel like I've actually come a long way with that. Worked a lot on my trauma and everything related to that, from self hatred to anxiety. I feel like those things really don't impact my quality of life much anymore. What does though is the lack of family, friends and money. But those are things I cannot work on.
I really feel your jealousy towards people with functional families. I sometimes still feel that as well, but over the years it has just turned into this big sadness and pain. But I think that's a totally appropriate reaction, both feelings. In my opinion we have every right to be jealous, angry, sad or whatever. Lacking family is such a horrible thing and has a massive impact, something that people with families can probably never truly understand.
And thank you, that's very kind of you to say. It makes me want to try to pick it up again, I just wish life wasn't so stressful and my brain so weird. The combination will probably lead to me giving up again very soon. A big hurdle is also the anger and sadness I feel when sitting at the piano and thinking about what could have been if I just had one person to support me, but well. I guess I'll somehow have to "just" get over that if I ever want to make music again.
And yeah, there are probably people out there who'd want to be friends with me, it's just so hard to find them. It feels nearly impossible to find someone I like who likes me back. It's also difficult to meet new people when you can't go anywhere people usually meet (parties, generally social activities) because your brain get's overstimulated by literally everything, is socially "incompetent" (in the eyes of neurotypicals) and you're just generally weird.
And I know that things have the potential to get better, they just haven't been doing that for a very long time now and I feel like it's getting more and more unlikely with every passing day.
You did make me feel better
Man definitely a lot going on ❤️.
❤️