@@TheAutisticRebel I don't know what to call the state of mind I was in my whole life trying to be normal and failing again and again. Derealization? Unconscious? (lol). Anyway, your video is the best article I've seen on the topic of late diagnosis. Thanks.
Good news! I have known for many years that I think differently to a lot of people, but I didn't know I was an entirely different neurotype. Having that massive piece of information would have allowed me to go easy as my true self.
This is EXACTLY what I've been going through the past month, when I first learned I'm autistic. I'm 41 and currently in the process of a proper diagnosis, and I found out I am autistic because my daughter is and I was watching videos on girls with autism so I might get a head start on what to expect as she gets a little older (she's 14 now). Instead, what I got from those videos was an explanation of why my life has been so damn hard. My youngest brother has ADHD but I was way worse than him our whole childhood, complete with my hand flapping. But my mom ignored it because she just wanted me to be the reason her life was so hard (instead of her personal choices). This entire past month, I have cried so much, I literally cried 2 weeks straight almost all day, I've been mourning my entire 41 years of life asking God WHY. I feel very betrayed by my mother for recognizing I needed help my entire life yet choosing not to get me any. I feel cheated, I feel cheated out my childhood, my chance at a career, my chance at even being able to keep a job or a boyfriend for longer than two months. I feel like a veil was lifted and I was shown that my entire life has been a lie. I grew up wondering why couldn't I just get up and do stuff like everyone else could, why I couldn't be responsible and work and clean like everyone else, why I couldn't just not be lazy. Knowing I have autism hasn't made it any easier. My whole life has shattered. Autism explains everything I've struggled with and I can't just be like normal people. But there isn't any consolation for knowing you COULD have had help but never got it so now you're screwed because it's too late to start over from childhood.
The best way to experience Autism is 750ug of LSD , a very large dose The Grateful Dead What goes up must come down, and what goes down must come up Therefore the people who experience the lowest lows, experience the highest highs Normal people cant experience the highs we can
I'm sorry you've been through so much pain. I'm with you on this - I feel cheated. There is no consolation...but I guess we have to keep telling ourselves that it's better late than never. We are here, sharing our stories, and we can lean into our autism now. We can be kinder to ourselves because we're important too. Knowing I'm autistic means I'm giving myself permission to be me. If that means making daft videos, then so be it! It's too late to start over from childhood, but we can reclaim our adulthood.
@@AutisticNotAlienWell and kindly stated. I hated when someone said Life is Choices. Change your perception. My response fck no. Whatever happens elves and fairies will appear and fix it. Honestly that was my experience mostly. Until one day it wasn't.I have spent years understanding, making choices loving. I could't control my father changed to insane..from 9 til 17 I rightly concluded he would murder me in a rage. I chose i wanted the feeling of absolutely just wonderful me. Silver lining amongst those horrors was by 11 i had created i masked the same as allistic. Gone my chameleon needed to blend self. It worked, i think others respond best to people when they sense the person, me is relaxed and liking oneself. I was social easily, friends more then some enjoyed. So the hours of my life away from home were relaxed and just chill loving no thoghts of home.was hugely valuable to be just weird whomever me.I was gonna die anyway. Boom late in life i am aware of what my chameleon was. Learn about masking and how awful that is, unmasking as well. I would prefer i didnt create non masking as a tool to live during that pretty horrific period. I would trade masking to not have survived that. Anyway agree today and tommorows are worth letting our childhood self bury themselves. Honor and love them and admire them. And choose to start building and loving ourselves now. That was quite a story..that others can appreciate their pain says alot.
@@stevenbigbee1766I love this. Honour, love and admire the person we were. We survived! And we still have time left! We must move forward into this new realisation with gladness, and not sadness! ❤
Thank you for lightening the weight of my own identity crisis. The wealth of experience you've shared has legitimately helped me move past some paralysis inducing cognitive loops, and I feel very fortunate to have found creators like yourself on RUclips (which happens to have been the best resource for knowledge and understanding I've found so far).
I was also diagnosed in my early 40s. There's a song by Toad The Wet Sprocket with the line "With the time I waste on a life I never had, I could've turned myself into a better man." It's an "escaping the rat race" song that has always really resonated with me, but it resonates really differently, particularly that line, after finding out I am Autistic. One of the things I am so angry about is how much damage I did to myself trying to not even fit in, just pass as human enough not to be targeted. I can feel "Her" inside, the inner child or my core being or whatever, but I am so far away from that person because of the "thicker skin" I had to keep growing to get by. I just keep thinking about who I could have been if I had been able to spend that energy and effort on being supportive of that person rather than shoving her into a great stone tower and turning myself into an armored defender. I've been the single minded Defender so long I don't know how to be anything else. I can't even communicate with Her In The Tower, I don't have the skills to teach Her how to survive out here any way other than this. So in one fell swoop, the diagnosis made the Me I built for this world not only obsolete, but detrimental to the same person the diagnosis freed in a way. Now I'm burnt out and that line just keeps swimming in my head while I daydream about the beautiful person I could have been instead of this insecure, fearful stone. Sorry, wordy and probably TMI, but I'm kind of in a mood and my fellow alexithymic Autists know how that goes.
This is beautifully written - thank you. It's funny that you're allegedly alexithymic while you're able to convey your feelings through your wonderful 'Her in the Tower' image. It will certainly stay with me.
Thank you so much, resonates deeply with how I am currently feeling after late diagnisis at 52. So nice to not feel alone with it ❤ I very much appreciate the succinct honest and informative content and you always bring a wry smile to my face.
Thank you very much, Andrea. I did have a think about whether people would actually want to listen to me go on about such an unhappy subject, but I couldn't resist - post-diagnosis grief is something I'm living through. To avoid mentioning it would be like lying to myself.
Thanks for sharing. It’s rattled me to have such an extreme wake up after diagnosis at 36, now 40. Ended up on disability after working 22 horrible years full of discrimination. Been battling medical system alongside with ehlers danlos and other comorbids. Family, spouse, employer, friends, poof all gone. People can’t/won’t comprehend what we are facing. They’re the ones trusting medical and gov agencies still, haven’t had to wake up like us.
It's the _silent theif in the night..._ the countless lives that slip quietly into oblivion, one day at a time, in a never ending treadmill of lost lives. 😢
@@TheAutisticRebel precisely. You reminded me of a piece of art I made recently. I scribbled some text for the title: Some of us are not having a good experience here on this *artificial escalator death march zombie ridden planet in the middle of the universe.*
I'm very sorry you've experienced so many years of mistreatment, and I hope you can find comfort here. Others will wake up eventually, but it will take much more autism advocacy to make it happen. Anyway, be kind to yourself, and thank you for sharing.
@@AutisticNotAlien thanks so much. I did find comfort and community in your video and others’ comments. I appreciate the encouragement as well. I use art to express those hard days but also I make little tiny watercolor art pieces with inspiring or funny quotes and surprise people with them randomly, let them pick one that speaks to them. And I enjoy nature with my dog, as much as my body can go, I love to move. Still working it out, I’d say, while advocating heavily to ensure I maintain disability benefits. 💙🖖🏽
My word: grief, agonizing resentment, nostalgic for a life I didn’t get 😢 ALL of these things. That’s most of what my late diagnosis has been so far. There is some relief knowing what was going on in hindsight. But man, the grief and anger has hit hard.
I've grieved for the troubles I had before because I didn't know I was autistic, but most of all I grieved for the dream I had : of somehow getting so far from what I thought caused my troubles (for example, being raised in a very poor family with an abusive parent), that with hard work I would become "normal". When I became certain I was autistic, and afterwards when I was officially diagnosed, came the realization that despite all my hard work I would NEVER be what my world consider normal. I am angry about the troubles I had before, and I'm sad for the life I thought I would build myself. I now know that I have strong limitations (and I am not saying all autistic people are the same as me, but I personally happen to have those) which will prevent me from doing the same things as most people. I try to focus on what I can do, and developing how to do it in my own unique way.
Thank you for sharing such eloquent and recognisable thoughts. We will never be 'normal', and focussing on what we can do in our own unique is absolutely the way forward.
Diagnosed at 62 years old. Now, just turned 64. The grief is real. The sense of loss, of 'what could have been'.. and it seems that the only people who actually get me are YTers like you and Orion. Thank you for this important resource that you provide for the ND community 🙏
Thank you very much, Mark. I'm an AuDHDer too, and I definitely resonate more with people here than in the 'real world'. It's so important to connect with people who understand.
Thank you for your comment. While I'm pleased that the video resonates, I am of course sad that you are experiencing similar feelings. I truly wish that this video didn't exist because I had been diagnosed as autistic at least 25 years ago. It would have stopped a lot of pain.
Another perspicacious video; succinct and on point. Watching your content has been contributory to me reaching contentment with my autistic self, so thank you Neil. Your effort and the positive difference you are making is appreciated.
Firstly, meow meow!!🤣🤣 I do a fairly good job with self psychology and self regulating with stims. Since unmasking one of my special interests which is cooking is an issue. Everyone around me considers me to be an awesome cook and I never once had to put a lot of thought into it, I just made it and it was everything and anything except brains and eyeballs, bet you didn't see that coming!!👀 I have to put so much thought into it now and it's not easy anymore, I forget things but if I listen to music it does help me to keep my thoughts on the task at hand. I have Autism and ADHD I do have 2 thought processes and I also have thought to speech in 2 places, stuttering voice and fluid non stuttering voice. I mostly speak with my autistic side now it was suppressed for 50 years. I am very autistic forward and my head feels autistic AF and I know other than the amount I stim people don't really know what my internal feelings are except my therapist. I don't hide who I am because I can't anymore. My adhd thoughts help keep things in perspective plus I know we like validation more than typical people do. That's one reason I share my thoughts in comments, if 1 person likes my comment then it makes me happy. If I don't get likes it's not on my mind so I don't care.🤭 My first special interest is science and this also helps me keep things in perspective even if some theories I disagree with. If we can't see it and we think it holds the universe together we can call it dark matter and the world will believe us, YAY!!🥳 Scientists won't think outside the box when it's the Big Bang theory but must think outside of the realm that gravity holds the universe together why would it change after the galactic perspective. If everything preceding the universe is held by gravity why would we change our perspective and say dark matter and dark energy must be true. No logic in my head for that. Oops sorry, got off track.🤔🤔 Don't know how that happened!!🤣🤣 Thanks for the video and I don't even know if I said what I was going to but hope it makes sense.👻🤪🌶🤘😎♾️
That was... ummm.... FRIGGING AWESOME!!! Just finishing writing a piece about that for Substack... Sounds like YOU _GET IT!_ We know there's something there because we see a shadow... but... We are looking at at the wall and arguing what this strange phenomenon could be. We are in front of the light but pay no attention to that!!! MAN WE'RE DUMB! HOW MANY many worlds interpretations can you hear... DOESN'T ONE SUFFICE!!!! 😂😂😂 Fantastic Tangent there! LLOL
Feeling permission to be angry rather than the meek and mild submission of ‘it’s just grief and this is how grief is done’ is *so* enabling Glad I found your channel
Yep, we're allowed to be angry. And relieved. And sad. I'm trying to channel my emotions into videos, poetry, etc. I refuse to cave into the negative emotions, as valid as they are.
This is so so accurate. I'm 47yo, diagnosed 9 months ago. To boot I was diagnosed with Klinefelter Syndrome (47XXY) a year prior to that. There has been a world of grieving lost opportunities / understanding of self. These were potentially the years that I could of gained the most insight and understanding, with an increased capacity for difficulties encountered along the way. It is only now with reduced capacity and burnout that I discover who I am and what makes me tick. The imposter syndrome is strong, and then harsh reminders are intimittently thrown your way as you discover how different you are to others around you, and you slowly begin to peel away the layers of fake it till you make it, because we are only hurting ourselves in the process of faking it.
This is so beautifully worded - thank you. My reduced capacity contributed to my autism realisation, so there's an irony I have to be grateful for...Yep, the imposter syndrome is very strong but the reminders that I'm autistic come thick and fast. I'm different, ain't no doubt about that. Anyway, enough about me. Thanks again for sharing and making me feel less alone.
@@AutisticNotAlien It's rare that I word things beautifully. Thank you for the compliment. And thank you for your videos. I love your deadpan sense of humor, one which seemingly runs thick through the Autistic community (and half of my family; I now know why). It seems that for those of us who havn't been diagnosed via our children, diagnosis (and/or realization) comes via burnout (aka diagnosed as major depressive disorder / clinical depression by your GP) when our capacity reduces with either age or exposure to difficult life experiences.
Thank you for this video! So well said, put together, and humorous! And a cat! 😸 It would have been nice if hopefully in my past life (this life, not a reincarnation thing, lol) I wouldn't have felt so terrible about myself in social situations, etc. Same with trying to find appropriate education and employment, and hopefully a career that would have suited for me. More and more lately, I've had more acceptance and trying to make my life work for me, now. I've made some progress, thankfully. And I've been feeling more comfortable in my own skin, as they say. Yes, better late than never, I have answers, and my life makes more sense to me now, though I still do grieve at times, but it's getting better.
This is so encouraging to read - thank you. Being comfortable as our authentic selves is so important. I think a big chunk of the depression and anxiety comes from holding ourselves to neurotypical standards. Once we embrace our autism, we can live more freely.
Thank you so very much for this video! It's wonderful, truly. You are making SUCH a difference. And you make me snort-laugh. I'm only a few weeks into finally accepting my autism self-recognition (can't afford an official diagnosis, and my doctor doesn't believe me because I'm "too social")... so yes, here I am. I have been considering it for 20 or so years but then Imposter Syndrome has kicked in. Yup. I've always had a penchant for philosophical thinking. The what-ifs are the hardest to deal with. I have had so many (and I know there will be more). Would I have been so people-pleasing in my desperate attempts to try and fit in? Would I have had the ovaries to stand up to the mistreatment and abuse if I had known I was deserving of better, and understood that my brain works differently? Well, the answer is that I really like myself and who I am now, and it has taken all those experiences to get here, so even though they are sad (and some of them are truly frightening and terrible and soul-destroying experiences... oh the joys of being taken advantage of), I would not change them. Also, with my crappy work life due to what I now know as my autism, would I right now actually own a house instead of staring down the renting barrel for the rest of my life? I can mourn that I had these experiences but I have learnt to pack them into the box of life and tuck them away, opening them on occasion when the need arises. But these days it's almost like looking at another person's life. Anyway! I also relate to another commenter who mentioned cooking! I have always baked cakes and made food as my way of socialising. Feeding people has been my 'thing'. For the past few weeks, since the final self-acceptance of my difference, I have not wanted to cook or bake. I still haven't quite worked out why. I'll get back to you (in my usual, long-winded way).
I love your attitude! We can't change the past, but we can change how we frame it. While I can't avoid feeling agonising resentment, I can at least take some pride in my resilience and enjoy being part of the autism community (at last!)
@@AutisticNotAlien you ARE resilient. Just keep swimming... (I re-read my comments sometimes and think, "How can I even consider that I might not be autistic? My overshare button is always switched on. Geez.")
About the same age and got the diagnosis this summer, because all my 3 children got diagnosed. I have achieved much, but I was always so exhausted. I could have used all that achievements to feel better and learn how to manage, but instead I always felt miserable for not feeling good or proud afterwards, but exhausted. Dunno how to start over again....
Congratulations on your diagnosis, Ian. I hope it allows you some self-acceptance and space just for yourself, though I imagine that's quite hard with three kids! As you said, you have achieved so much. No need to start over again, just give yourself more credit for coming this far.
Thank you! As my mate, Paul (Adult with Autism), says - I'm not just here for the happy, shiny, friendly side of autism. Sharing the unhappy side is a manifestation of me being my authentic, autistic self.
Thank you! Excellent video. I’ve watched it three times so far, and am sure I’ll get back to it again. 🙃 I really appreciate your wonderful humour and the thoughts and experiences you share. 👍😊
Thank you so much! It's a bit of a wordy video - I'll try to make the next one more visual. It's just that when I find a good quote, I want to share it with the world!
@@AutisticNotAlien Don’t skip too much of the wordy parts and quotes! Keep sharing! At least for me it makes it even more interesting and fun to watch and listen to. 👍👍😊
Hauntology has been a *bit* of an interest for me (i used to have a slightly hauntological dollhouse instagram page) so I was very excited to hear you mention it AND in relation to your late diagnosis which I’ve never thought of but I think is brilliant! 🤩 👌
I'm so pleased that some of my rambling has been meaningful. I'll never forget the moment I finally *knew* I'm autistic. I was 41 years and 4 months old. Better late than never.
@@AutisticNotAlien I ramble quite a bit myself. I am happy you have found understanding in yourself with the diagnosis. I must admit waiting for mine has left me in a strange limbo, where I keep asking myself... Is this real? Is this the reason I have struggled so all of my life? You are right, better late than never!
@@elizabethromanini3256 'Strange limbo' is an excellent way of describing how I feel. It's very frustrating, because as an autistic person, I need certainty, and I always feel very unsteady.
@@AutisticNotAlien I think maybe you will understand my thoughts on waiting for my diagnosis... I am certain that I am indeed on the Autism Spectrum, but in my certainty I am uncertain. Is this the product of my own feelings, or is it a lifetime of feeling uncertain because I did know before now that I was autistic. Without the 'diagnosis' we have been relying on the opinions of neurotypical folks to define normal, this simple cannot be applied to us without it making us feel unsteady. We feel the world around us differently, but how can we now knowing who we truly are be able to remove all the neurotypical indoctrination we have been taught since the day we were born. Sorry , I did tell you I tend to ramble a bit...
@@elizabethromanini3256 No need to be sorry - rambling is good if it's in search of an answer. Neurotypical people set the rules we're all expected to follow, but autistic people have a tendency of pointing out that some/most of these rules are silly/self-serving/hypocritical. Removing neurotypical indoctrination is incredibly hard. As late-diagnosed autistic people, we can enjoy the acceptance and comfort we receive from our autistic community - we can finally be ourselves.
Professionally Undiagnosed still at ummmm yea 54. I’m very curious about “what skills I could have learned a long time ago and integrated into my being” rather than my weird isms that were self taught and possibly maladaptive. Suppose they be more efficient than my me-isms Thank you for the videos you create
I love the term 'me-isms'! Language such as 'maladaptive', 'abnormal' and 'deficits' can be hugely harmful for autistic people. It's so arrogant for people to assume that our different ways of being are inherently inferior.
Y'all got a bloody leaflet? I was just asked "so what's your speciel interest?" and then sent home with an appointment 4 months later when I'd presumably "learned how to live with my new reality". And same, diagnosed ASD lvl 1 at age 41, just months after my ADD (ADHD inattentive type) diagnosis. Life in tatters, but lucky enough to live in a country where I'm not bankrupted for being the worst at capitalism, and free healthcare meaning I could get a diagnosis for free (after a 2 year wait).
It's good at least that you finally got the diagnoses. I received my ADHD diagnosis last January, which has made it easier to ask for adjustments at work. But work is still very, very hard.
I take comfort in believing that my self-diagnosis at age 60 came no sooner than I was prepared for. Wishing I knew sooner would be wishing I was a different person. I did grieve my diagnosis , but glad I know now. By the way, you are very funny! I enjoy your content very much.
Thank you very much, Michelle. You've raised a really interesting point about being prepared for a diagnosis. I have to ask why I was struggling so much in my early 40s that led to my diagnosis - why not in my 20s or 30s, when I was also struggling?! I'm so glad that I now know I'm autistic. It means I can be kinder to myself and connect with other autistic people in a way I can never do with neurotypical people.
My younger brother has asked “Why the Hell are we even here?!?!” In other words what’s the point of or to the existence on this planet of a primate with a conscious awareness of themselves and those and that which surrounds them?
I ask this question much too often. I wonder if my mind is being irrational or if I am opening up to the truth 😬. If everything around us has it's purpose or meaning, then surely humanity does too? If we have no purpose or meaning, then choosing to no longer exist isn't so bad right? It would end a lot of pain. Well...not for those that may care, I guess....
The truth? *_There is ONLY THE MEANING WE GIVE IT!_* That is a scientific _fact._ 😊 Might as well *make the best of it!* _(to the best of our abilities.)_
My partner has a little leitmotif: we question our existence, asking why we are here? There is no answer, so we just have to 'get on with it'. He's not the most eloquent philosopher! 😂
I can't answer your brother's question. I think if I tried, I'd end up re-writing 'Imagine' by John Lennon, or saying something equally as vague and twee.
I think it is impossible to have a late diagnosis and not experience at least some of those “what if” sorrows. I was diagnosed AudiHD at 52, so that’s a lot of time to look back on. I’ve also thought about the inverse. What if I had been diagnosed? Would I have had accommodations to thrive at university, or would I have used it as an excuse to stop trying? I am also gifted and thrived in the structured world of US high school. My adhd never learned to cope with the self-direction of university life, and my autism couldn’t create routines to compensate. It was only the piece of my identity that was tied to being gifted and completing my university studies that allowed me to beat my head against a wall until I was able to escape with my degree. It wouldn’t have taken much to get me to quit. That degree was the foundation of my reasonably successful career, which has actually been a result of trying to accommodate my autism and adhd. It hasn’t been perfect, but has it been better than it would have been if I had known? Finally, there’s my wife of 31 years. Would I have had the confidence to pursue her? Would she have responded positively to me with an early 90s understanding of autism (which really wasn’t positive)? Hers is the only relationship that I’ve managed to keep more than a few years. But if I had known I was autistic, would I have been able to build relationships in a way that I could actually keep them? Even if I’m not sure things would have been better, the “what if” scenarios take up so much space in my head. It’s exhausting. One thing is certain: I wouldn’t have had to feel so broken for so many years. Just that would have made a huge impact on my life.
I've gone down the same 'what if' path (diagnosed at 56) and ultimately it's not been helpful because, bottom-line, I can't change any of it and as you say, it's exhausting. Getting used to not being defective is going to be enough to work on. Whilst pondering recently, it occurred to me that as so many neurotypical people seem to mess up their lives whilst innately understanding the rules of a society designed to suit them, even without my autism I might have turned out to be one of them. From that perspective my life could have been much worse! 😁
@@ishbelharris1857 I wrote a version of these two stories to Neil as well. I hope he takes *_THESE SENTIMENTS_* as they are the most _grounded and insightful_ *_ACTIONABLE_* steps to a healthier out look. More unique perspective in the vien are needed!
Thank you very much for sharing. I was 'gifted' at school, almost failed A-levels (I'm not sure what the US equivalent is), then somehow did OK at university, where I met my wife. I would have wanted to know I was autistic much sooner precisely so that I could have avoided feeling so broken for so many years. The knowledge wouldn't have entirely prevented me from feeling hurt, of course, but the self-acceptance would have given me permission to avoid situations I was uncomfortable in and to seek more situations I would have been comfortable in.
The 'what if' path is not helpful, but...ah, 40 years of not knowing! But, despite me being such a misery, I always try to reach a positive. And here I am, responding to lovely & thoughtful comments from fellow autists. Life is weird & beautiful at times.
Lots of interesting content here and so relatable without being too traumatic...but all rings so true for me also. Mr Tickle adopted an inverted perspective too which is indicative of how 'upside down' the diagnosis and neurotypicals can make you feel. 😂
Thank you very much, Jeanette. I feel that I *had* to make this video, though I didn't want it to be entirely gloomy. So, while Mr Tickle is upside down for the reason you correctly identified, he will soon be standing up and trying to make people laugh again.
I started to self-diagnose in my 40s and got my actual diagnosis at age 46. While I do think back a lot and have been very busy trying to heal many layers of CPTSD from my life experience, I can't really say I grieve of feel resentment or anger. Sadness perhaps and some frustration, but the main thing is, I don't think knowing being ND would have made a lot of difference. People very likely still would have treated me as different, as an outsider, perhaps even mroe so had they known I'm autistic. It was the 80s and 90s and not a lot was known or understood about autism and "support" was mainly of the "corrective" kind. Likely, I would have been misdiagnosed too, the fact that I have ADHD as well not recognised (because you were not "allowed" to have both according to the experts) so ADHD medication wouldn't have been available to me either. Perhaps in the workplace I might have been given some allowances but likely I would have experienced stigma. So Yes, there is a lot of "What If..." thinking, but I'm not convinced things would have been that much better. It might have closed doors rather than open them...
Welcome to the community! It's a big adjustment, isn't it? And we're expected to just carry on as normal, like we don't have this enormous new knowledge to digest.
@@AutisticNotAlien yep… I really wish we could have another lockdown (not Covid outbreak- just the lockdown part) so the demands could slow down significantly and I could crawl the rest of the way out of burnout. Plus, I need time to go through the rest of my entire life and make sense of my experiences.
@@cowsonzambonis6 I also appreciated the change in pace of life that lockdown brought, but it was during lockdown that I felt very depressed, which led to my autism realisation. So, I'd like a slower life, please, but without the depression!
I've always known I was a bit different, and just had an assessment at age 50. The results will take another 4-6 weeks so now I'm experiencing a sort of quantum duality as to whether or not I'm truly autistic. But I'm just now getting an inkling of what might be in store after a diagnosis, and then your video appeared in a very timely manner. My mom was always quite supportive of me, but she never hinted that I might have some sort of difficulty, though looking back I'm wondering if she knew and didn't tell me. On one hand I don't think she could've done a better job supporting me, and losing her in 2006 was quite hard, but on the other hand I can sense little resentment burbling up in the fact that she didn't tell me. She did get very, very mad at my teacher when I was 10 years old when he suggested I should go into the class with the "special" kids. My grades were very high so the school counselor sided with my mom. School sucked and I hated it with every fiber of my being. There's one more dilemma I wish I had a third hand for: My special interest was aviation (until I experienced the phenomenon of Turning Your Favorite Hobby Into a Career, and the Unintended Consequence of it Turning Into Your Worst Nightmare, but at least it pays well). I ended up in maintenance but I wanted to be a pilot bad enough that I did a darned good job of being normal, and probably gave myself induced alexithymia in the process, but got my flight instructor ratings. I don't regret that, so maybe everything played out in the only way could have? But indeed the second chapter of my life will necessitate grieving the end of my first chapter. Thank you for making these videos. They do a lot to help me understand the world better and are entertaining too. You also have the honor (pardon the American spelling) of getting my first ever RUclips comment. I'm not a new RUclips user.
@@tsongololo Chimes many bells when me. I look back to my mum's attitude and I think she knew and didn't tell me. She told me I had super powers, and could be anything I wanted. So I did. And I could. 😊
Thank you so much for sharing, and I am truly, deeply honoured to be the recipient of your first ever RUclips comment. You have made my day (I've had one of those typical, miserable-without-a-discernible-cause days that I have most days!) I hope that you find the results of your assessment to be helpful. Thanks again for your fascinating and encouraging comments.
This is such a good video, Neil. What a strange and confusing journey we all face after diagnosis/realisation. Also, I can't work out which Mr Men character that is 😆
Thank you very much. Wish I could do what you do - speaking from the heart without the crutch of edits. I should try it some time! Well, I kind of did in the Orion Kelly interview (accidental plug alert!) The Mr Men character is an upside down Mr Tickle!
@@AutisticNotAlien I thought you came across really well on Orion's podcast (and I think we'd all like a bit of each others' skills as I'd love the ability to script videos as I often miss out on what I want to *actually* say during a ramble!) And I'm kind of annoyed at myself as I was going to ask if it was Mr Tickle but I couldn't see evidence of his longer arms 😆
I don't exactly resonate with this. I figured out my autism at about 73. I knew that I had a lot of problems, and saw a couple of psychiatrists at various points. They were very helpful, though they never even brought up autism. One thought I was hypersensitive to touch and sound, and thought these were things I could "work on and get over." That never happened. But I don't regret anything. I think I was too harsh on myself about a number of things, but you work with what is there. It would have been nice if my parents had been better people, but what's the point of that? You just deal the best you can with your own knowledge and your own situation. The only thing I regret in my long life is when I unintentionally hurt other people. And now that I know I try to be kinder to myself, but being undiagnosed was just part of the time and place I was brought up in.
Thank you for sharing. A friend of mine said they couldn't recognise post-diagnosis grief in themself following their recent diagnosis in their late 60s.
Well my diagnosis says I am not Autistic so yeah. It is awesome. Suddenly I just graduated high school and college and I have been able to hold down jobs and get promoted and wait.
@@AutisticNotAlien There is no point, there are no services for adults. As far as promotions go, most decent jobs require degrees. I didn't even graduate High School. Pass my GED. Nah, just marking time at this point.
Neil! Thank you! I am so sad today too, especially about not knowing I was autistic when my boys were growing up. I am 61 and was diagnosed last year.I feel like a failure as a mother, which is a deep wound that I lived with even before I had my boys. Just knowing I would fall so short, but going ahead with it anyway. I am so glad they are here, and now my grandchildren, and love them fiercely, but not neurtypically, which they still want and expect. I have wounded them, and they are robustly forgiving, albeit also eloquent in expressing how my uniqueness impacting them. Sigh. Humbled... and falling into an abyss of grief that only watching yours and other autistic's videos helps mitigate. Thank God for this community! Yes, a rebirth after diagnosis, and also a thousand deaths... we can't go back and make it better (i.e. be neurotypical for our children) and even if we could, would we know how? No. But somehow their knowing would help, I think. Us all knowing and making accommodations so we can all flourish. Deep and wide is the grief. Long and High the sadness. I love your rabbit trails! I am learning so much! By the way, your words are just as eloquent, poetic, and resonant as those you shared. Keep shining Neil, and thank you! You are brave and kind.
Thank you so much again, Lisa (and belated congratulations on your diagnosis). I doubt very much that you have been a failure as a mother, nor that your children are required to 'forgive you'. As you said, your uniqueness impacts them, but how could it be otherwise? Your uniqueness brought them into this world. I feel guilty that I'm such a 'sad act' to my daughter, and yet I know she's grateful for what I and her mother do. She's grateful that I met her mother, as embarrassing as I am. And my son - autistic like his dad - is the kindest, most peace-loving person you could ever meet. Being kind is the most important thing, as you have shown through your comments, which were the best part of my day, and will probably remain the best part of my week - thank you so much (again). P.S. I enjoyed your contribution to Autistic Jenny's recent collab video.
@@AutisticNotAlien It is like magic to encourage one another in the community, a place of kindness and celebrating each other as autistic humans. So grateful!
I feel the exact same way. As I look back on my early childhood how could my speech therapist not pick up on it. I wonder if they had Autism in 1975 and onward. I wish I had known then. I asked my mother why did not put me in the school for the deaf, but due to my mother's own selfish reason, it caused me more harm than good. As I am getting older my right ear has been fading. So on Monday I will talk to my counselor and ask him to enroll me in ASL. I feel that will help me communicate more. BTW love the cat noise. I should have made cat noises when I crawled under the table doing speech class in elementary school.
Autism has always been around, of course, but I dread to think how little was known in 1975. Look how far we've come! And look how far we still have to go...
Diagnosed at age 82. Resonating!
Congratulations on your diagnosis! 82 - wow! Better late than never. Always better late than never...
wow 🖖🙂
Ya WOW.
You probably got some crazy stories in THAT noggin! 😊
@@TheAutisticRebel I don't know what to call the state of mind I was in my whole life trying to be normal and failing again and again. Derealization? Unconscious? (lol). Anyway, your video is the best article I've seen on the topic of late diagnosis. Thanks.
I'm in the "Oooh.. that is why I think this way.. you mean everybody doesn't think like this?!? now I finally understand" camp.
Me 2!
Me three!
Good news! I have known for many years that I think differently to a lot of people, but I didn't know I was an entirely different neurotype. Having that massive piece of information would have allowed me to go easy as my true self.
This is EXACTLY what I've been going through the past month, when I first learned I'm autistic. I'm 41 and currently in the process of a proper diagnosis, and I found out I am autistic because my daughter is and I was watching videos on girls with autism so I might get a head start on what to expect as she gets a little older (she's 14 now). Instead, what I got from those videos was an explanation of why my life has been so damn hard. My youngest brother has ADHD but I was way worse than him our whole childhood, complete with my hand flapping. But my mom ignored it because she just wanted me to be the reason her life was so hard (instead of her personal choices). This entire past month, I have cried so much, I literally cried 2 weeks straight almost all day, I've been mourning my entire 41 years of life asking God WHY. I feel very betrayed by my mother for recognizing I needed help my entire life yet choosing not to get me any. I feel cheated, I feel cheated out my childhood, my chance at a career, my chance at even being able to keep a job or a boyfriend for longer than two months. I feel like a veil was lifted and I was shown that my entire life has been a lie. I grew up wondering why couldn't I just get up and do stuff like everyone else could, why I couldn't be responsible and work and clean like everyone else, why I couldn't just not be lazy. Knowing I have autism hasn't made it any easier. My whole life has shattered. Autism explains everything I've struggled with and I can't just be like normal people. But there isn't any consolation for knowing you COULD have had help but never got it so now you're screwed because it's too late to start over from childhood.
The best way to experience Autism is 750ug of LSD , a very large dose
The Grateful Dead
What goes up must come down, and what goes down must come up
Therefore the people who experience the lowest lows, experience the highest highs
Normal people cant experience the highs we can
I'm sorry you've been through so much pain. I'm with you on this - I feel cheated. There is no consolation...but I guess we have to keep telling ourselves that it's better late than never. We are here, sharing our stories, and we can lean into our autism now. We can be kinder to ourselves because we're important too. Knowing I'm autistic means I'm giving myself permission to be me. If that means making daft videos, then so be it! It's too late to start over from childhood, but we can reclaim our adulthood.
@@AutisticNotAlienWell and kindly stated. I hated when someone said Life is Choices. Change your perception. My response fck no. Whatever happens elves and fairies will appear and fix it. Honestly that was my experience mostly. Until one day it wasn't.I have spent years understanding, making choices loving. I could't control my father changed to insane..from 9 til 17 I rightly concluded he would murder me in a rage. I chose i wanted the feeling of absolutely just wonderful me. Silver lining amongst those horrors was by 11 i had created i masked the same as allistic. Gone my chameleon needed to blend self. It worked, i think others respond best to people when they sense the person, me is relaxed and liking oneself. I was social easily, friends more then some enjoyed. So the hours of my life away from home were relaxed and just chill loving no thoghts of home.was hugely valuable to be just weird whomever me.I was gonna die anyway. Boom late in life i am aware of what my chameleon was. Learn about masking and how awful that is, unmasking as well. I would prefer i didnt create non masking as a tool to live during that pretty horrific period. I would trade masking to not have survived that. Anyway agree today and tommorows are worth letting our childhood self bury themselves. Honor and love them and admire them. And choose to start building and loving ourselves now. That was quite a story..that others can appreciate their pain says alot.
@@stevenbigbee1766I love this. Honour, love and admire the person we were. We survived! And we still have time left! We must move forward into this new realisation with gladness, and not sadness! ❤
Thank you for lightening the weight of my own identity crisis. The wealth of experience you've shared has legitimately helped me move past some paralysis inducing cognitive loops, and I feel very fortunate to have found creators like yourself on RUclips (which happens to have been the best resource for knowledge and understanding I've found so far).
Thank you so much, Ophmar. It means so much to read your comments, which are always so thoughtful. 'Lightening the weight' is why I'm here!
@@Ophmar4 Same. 👍
Thank you
You took the words from my mouth
Thank you!
I was also diagnosed in my early 40s. There's a song by Toad The Wet Sprocket with the line "With the time I waste on a life I never had, I could've turned myself into a better man." It's an "escaping the rat race" song that has always really resonated with me, but it resonates really differently, particularly that line, after finding out I am Autistic. One of the things I am so angry about is how much damage I did to myself trying to not even fit in, just pass as human enough not to be targeted. I can feel "Her" inside, the inner child or my core being or whatever, but I am so far away from that person because of the "thicker skin" I had to keep growing to get by. I just keep thinking about who I could have been if I had been able to spend that energy and effort on being supportive of that person rather than shoving her into a great stone tower and turning myself into an armored defender. I've been the single minded Defender so long I don't know how to be anything else. I can't even communicate with Her In The Tower, I don't have the skills to teach Her how to survive out here any way other than this. So in one fell swoop, the diagnosis made the Me I built for this world not only obsolete, but detrimental to the same person the diagnosis freed in a way. Now I'm burnt out and that line just keeps swimming in my head while I daydream about the beautiful person I could have been instead of this insecure, fearful stone.
Sorry, wordy and probably TMI, but I'm kind of in a mood and my fellow alexithymic Autists know how that goes.
This is beautifully written - thank you. It's funny that you're allegedly alexithymic while you're able to convey your feelings through your wonderful 'Her in the Tower' image. It will certainly stay with me.
@@AutisticNotAlien Thank you. I guess I tend to be better evoking with the written word than emoting in real time, heh.
Excellent content. So many resources to check out
Thank you, Tim. I'm going to order Jodie Hare's book.
Thank you so much, resonates deeply with how I am currently feeling after late diagnisis at 52. So nice to not feel alone with it ❤ I very much appreciate the succinct honest and informative content and you always bring a wry smile to my face.
Thank you very much, Andrea. I did have a think about whether people would actually want to listen to me go on about such an unhappy subject, but I couldn't resist - post-diagnosis grief is something I'm living through. To avoid mentioning it would be like lying to myself.
Thanks for sharing. It’s rattled me to have such an extreme wake up after diagnosis at 36, now 40. Ended up on disability after working 22 horrible years full of discrimination. Been battling medical system alongside with ehlers danlos and other comorbids. Family, spouse, employer, friends, poof all gone. People can’t/won’t comprehend what we are facing. They’re the ones trusting medical and gov agencies still, haven’t had to wake up like us.
It's the _silent theif in the night..._ the countless lives that slip quietly into oblivion, one day at a time, in a never ending treadmill of lost lives. 😢
@@TheAutisticRebel precisely. You reminded me of a piece of art I made recently. I scribbled some text for the title: Some of us are not having a good experience here on this *artificial escalator death march zombie ridden planet in the middle of the universe.*
I'm very sorry you've experienced so many years of mistreatment, and I hope you can find comfort here. Others will wake up eventually, but it will take much more autism advocacy to make it happen. Anyway, be kind to yourself, and thank you for sharing.
We're all destined for oblivion, but the journey doesn't have to be miserable just because we're autistic. We're human beings too.
@@AutisticNotAlien thanks so much. I did find comfort and community in your video and others’ comments. I appreciate the encouragement as well. I use art to express those hard days but also I make little tiny watercolor art pieces with inspiring or funny quotes and surprise people with them randomly, let them pick one that speaks to them. And I enjoy nature with my dog, as much as my body can go, I love to move. Still working it out, I’d say, while advocating heavily to ensure I maintain disability benefits. 💙🖖🏽
Yes, I too was hauntistic pre-diagnosis 🙂 (was going to go with 'hautistic', but that sounds like something else entirely!)
😂😂😂😂
'Hauntistic' - YES! That's what us late-diagnosed autists are!
My word: grief, agonizing resentment, nostalgic for a life I didn’t get 😢
ALL of these things. That’s most of what my late diagnosis has been so far. There is some relief knowing what was going on in hindsight. But man, the grief and anger has hit hard.
Thank you. It's hard to take, isn't it? I am relieved, but I do wish I could go back and tell younger me to calm down - it's not all my fault.
@@AutisticNotAlien Amen to that 🙏
I've grieved for the troubles I had before because I didn't know I was autistic, but most of all I grieved for the dream I had : of somehow getting so far from what I thought caused my troubles (for example, being raised in a very poor family with an abusive parent), that with hard work I would become "normal". When I became certain I was autistic, and afterwards when I was officially diagnosed, came the realization that despite all my hard work I would NEVER be what my world consider normal. I am angry about the troubles I had before, and I'm sad for the life I thought I would build myself. I now know that I have strong limitations (and I am not saying all autistic people are the same as me, but I personally happen to have those) which will prevent me from doing the same things as most people. I try to focus on what I can do, and developing how to do it in my own unique way.
Thank you for sharing such eloquent and recognisable thoughts. We will never be 'normal', and focussing on what we can do in our own unique is absolutely the way forward.
Diagnosed at 62 years old. Now, just turned 64. The grief is real. The sense of loss, of 'what could have been'.. and it seems that the only people who actually get me are YTers like you and Orion. Thank you for this important resource that you provide for the ND community 🙏
Nothing could have been. You are literally naturally born handicapped. We all are.
Thank you very much, Mark. I'm an AuDHDer too, and I definitely resonate more with people here than in the 'real world'. It's so important to connect with people who understand.
Totally relatable, still realised at the moment. 😊
Diagnosed officially at 62
Can relate to much of this.
Congratulations on your diagnosis, Malcolm. I hope your diagnosis has brought some inner peace.
@@AutisticNotAlien Yes it's like I know who I am now
Thank you for this video. I needed this. It resonates with what is going on inside me now.
Thank you for your comment. While I'm pleased that the video resonates, I am of course sad that you are experiencing similar feelings. I truly wish that this video didn't exist because I had been diagnosed as autistic at least 25 years ago. It would have stopped a lot of pain.
As usual, great video that we can all relate to. 😊 thanks for the shoutout!
Ooohhh a _LEGEND's_ endorsement... look at you go!
My pleasure!
Another perspicacious video; succinct and on point.
Watching your content has been contributory to me reaching contentment with my autistic self, so thank you Neil. Your effort and the positive difference you are making is appreciated.
Agreed Neil is GREAT! Also...
I learnt a new word today. Not only that it's a MF-Kick-A-Word...
"Perspicacious!"
Thank you! 🎉
@@TheAutisticRebel You're very welcome! 😄
Thank you very much. Your comment made me a bit teary, in a good way.
Another awesome video! I love your sarcastic humor and wit. Gets me every time😂
Me too. He makes me laugh so hard while learning!
He's gonn÷a be÷a huge÷a!
You wait and 👀
Ha ha! Cheers. Love a bit of sarcasm, contrary to the myth.
Laughing & learning at the same time - YES!
Firstly, meow meow!!🤣🤣 I do a fairly good job with self psychology and self regulating with stims. Since unmasking one of my special interests which is cooking is an issue. Everyone around me considers me to be an awesome cook and I never once had to put a lot of thought into it, I just made it and it was everything and anything except brains and eyeballs, bet you didn't see that coming!!👀 I have to put so much thought into it now and it's not easy anymore, I forget things but if I listen to music it does help me to keep my thoughts on the task at hand. I have Autism and ADHD I do have 2 thought processes and I also have thought to speech in 2 places, stuttering voice and fluid non stuttering voice. I mostly speak with my autistic side now it was suppressed for 50 years. I am very autistic forward and my head feels autistic AF and I know other than the amount I stim people don't really know what my internal feelings are except my therapist. I don't hide who I am because I can't anymore. My adhd thoughts help keep things in perspective plus I know we like validation more than typical people do. That's one reason I share my thoughts in comments, if 1 person likes my comment then it makes me happy. If I don't get likes it's not on my mind so I don't care.🤭 My first special interest is science and this also helps me keep things in perspective even if some theories I disagree with. If we can't see it and we think it holds the universe together we can call it dark matter and the world will believe us, YAY!!🥳 Scientists won't think outside the box when it's the Big Bang theory but must think outside of the realm that gravity holds the universe together why would it change after the galactic perspective. If everything preceding the universe is held by gravity why would we change our perspective and say dark matter and dark energy must be true. No logic in my head for that. Oops sorry, got off track.🤔🤔 Don't know how that happened!!🤣🤣 Thanks for the video and I don't even know if I said what I was going to but hope it makes sense.👻🤪🌶🤘😎♾️
Your comment was very interesting and impressive. Thank you for sharing a touch of your interest with us ☺️
@gamer-8955 thank you, I appreciate you!!👻🌶♾️
It DOES make sense. 💗
That was... ummm.... FRIGGING AWESOME!!!
Just finishing writing a piece about that for Substack...
Sounds like YOU _GET IT!_
We know there's something there because we see a shadow... but...
We are looking at at the wall and arguing what this strange phenomenon could be.
We are in front of the light but pay no attention to that!!!
MAN WE'RE DUMB!
HOW MANY many worlds interpretations can you hear...
DOESN'T ONE SUFFICE!!!! 😂😂😂
Fantastic Tangent there! LLOL
'I don't hide who I am because I can't anymore' - me too! That's the power of an autism diagnosis. :)
Feeling permission to be angry rather than the meek and mild submission of ‘it’s just grief and this is how grief is done’ is *so* enabling
Glad I found your channel
Yep, we're allowed to be angry. And relieved. And sad. I'm trying to channel my emotions into videos, poetry, etc. I refuse to cave into the negative emotions, as valid as they are.
This is so so accurate. I'm 47yo, diagnosed 9 months ago. To boot I was diagnosed with Klinefelter Syndrome (47XXY) a year prior to that. There has been a world of grieving lost opportunities / understanding of self. These were potentially the years that I could of gained the most insight and understanding, with an increased capacity for difficulties encountered along the way. It is only now with reduced capacity and burnout that I discover who I am and what makes me tick. The imposter syndrome is strong, and then harsh reminders are intimittently thrown your way as you discover how different you are to others around you, and you slowly begin to peel away the layers of fake it till you make it, because we are only hurting ourselves in the process of faking it.
This is so beautifully worded - thank you. My reduced capacity contributed to my autism realisation, so there's an irony I have to be grateful for...Yep, the imposter syndrome is very strong but the reminders that I'm autistic come thick and fast. I'm different, ain't no doubt about that. Anyway, enough about me. Thanks again for sharing and making me feel less alone.
@@AutisticNotAlien It's rare that I word things beautifully. Thank you for the compliment. And thank you for your videos. I love your deadpan sense of humor, one which seemingly runs thick through the Autistic community (and half of my family; I now know why). It seems that for those of us who havn't been diagnosed via our children, diagnosis (and/or realization) comes via burnout (aka diagnosed as major depressive disorder / clinical depression by your GP) when our capacity reduces with either age or exposure to difficult life experiences.
Thank you for this video! So well said, put together, and humorous! And a cat! 😸
It would have been nice if hopefully in my past life (this life, not a reincarnation thing, lol) I wouldn't have felt so terrible about myself in social situations, etc.
Same with trying to find appropriate education and employment, and hopefully a career that would have suited for me.
More and more lately, I've had more acceptance and trying to make my life work for me, now. I've made some progress, thankfully.
And I've been feeling more comfortable in my own skin, as they say.
Yes, better late than never, I have answers, and my life makes more sense to me now, though I still do grieve at times, but it's getting better.
This is so encouraging to read - thank you. Being comfortable as our authentic selves is so important. I think a big chunk of the depression and anxiety comes from holding ourselves to neurotypical standards. Once we embrace our autism, we can live more freely.
Thank you so very much for this video! It's wonderful, truly. You are making SUCH a difference.
And you make me snort-laugh.
I'm only a few weeks into finally accepting my autism self-recognition (can't afford an official diagnosis, and my doctor doesn't believe me because I'm "too social")... so yes, here I am. I have been considering it for 20 or so years but then Imposter Syndrome has kicked in. Yup.
I've always had a penchant for philosophical thinking.
The what-ifs are the hardest to deal with. I have had so many (and I know there will be more). Would I have been so people-pleasing in my desperate attempts to try and fit in? Would I have had the ovaries to stand up to the mistreatment and abuse if I had known I was deserving of better, and understood that my brain works differently?
Well, the answer is that I really like myself and who I am now, and it has taken all those experiences to get here, so even though they are sad (and some of them are truly frightening and terrible and soul-destroying experiences... oh the joys of being taken advantage of), I would not change them. Also, with my crappy work life due to what I now know as my autism, would I right now actually own a house instead of staring down the renting barrel for the rest of my life?
I can mourn that I had these experiences but I have learnt to pack them into the box of life and tuck them away, opening them on occasion when the need arises. But these days it's almost like looking at another person's life.
Anyway! I also relate to another commenter who mentioned cooking! I have always baked cakes and made food as my way of socialising. Feeding people has been my 'thing'. For the past few weeks, since the final self-acceptance of my difference, I have not wanted to cook or bake. I still haven't quite worked out why. I'll get back to you (in my usual, long-winded way).
I love your attitude! We can't change the past, but we can change how we frame it. While I can't avoid feeling agonising resentment, I can at least take some pride in my resilience and enjoy being part of the autism community (at last!)
@@AutisticNotAlien you ARE resilient. Just keep swimming...
(I re-read my comments sometimes and think, "How can I even consider that I might not be autistic? My overshare button is always switched on. Geez.")
So true and thanks for creating funny entertaining videos I can relate to.
Thank you, Margo. I hope it was entertaining - it was a bit word heavy, but I just couldn't resist sharing such insightful quotes.
About the same age and got the diagnosis this summer, because all my 3 children got diagnosed. I have achieved much, but I was always so exhausted.
I could have used all that achievements to feel better and learn how to manage, but instead I always felt miserable for not feeling good or proud afterwards, but exhausted.
Dunno how to start over again....
Congratulations on your diagnosis, Ian. I hope it allows you some self-acceptance and space just for yourself, though I imagine that's quite hard with three kids! As you said, you have achieved so much. No need to start over again, just give yourself more credit for coming this far.
excellent topic
Thank you! As my mate, Paul (Adult with Autism), says - I'm not just here for the happy, shiny, friendly side of autism. Sharing the unhappy side is a manifestation of me being my authentic, autistic self.
@@AutisticNotAlien couldn't agree more! cheers
Thank you! Excellent video. I’ve watched it three times so far, and am sure I’ll get back to it again. 🙃 I really appreciate your wonderful humour and the thoughts and experiences you share. 👍😊
Thank you so much! It's a bit of a wordy video - I'll try to make the next one more visual. It's just that when I find a good quote, I want to share it with the world!
@@AutisticNotAlien Don’t skip too much of the wordy parts and quotes! Keep sharing! At least for me it makes it even more interesting and fun to watch and listen to. 👍👍😊
Hauntology has been a *bit* of an interest for me (i used to have a slightly hauntological dollhouse instagram page) so I was very excited to hear you mention it AND in relation to your late diagnosis which I’ve never thought of but I think is brilliant! 🤩 👌
A hauntological dollhouse sounds extremely intriguing! Yep, bit obsessed with hauntology, and I'll take any excuse to mention Mark Fisher.
Love the quote at the end So Much. ❤
It's great, isn't it? So positive.
I am 52 and waiting for my official diagnosis. I can resonate with so much of what you have expressed... there is comfort in that... thank you!
I'm so pleased that some of my rambling has been meaningful. I'll never forget the moment I finally *knew* I'm autistic. I was 41 years and 4 months old. Better late than never.
@@AutisticNotAlien I ramble quite a bit myself. I am happy you have found understanding in yourself with the diagnosis. I must admit waiting for mine has left me in a strange limbo, where I keep asking myself... Is this real? Is this the reason I have struggled so all of my life? You are right, better late than never!
@@elizabethromanini3256 'Strange limbo' is an excellent way of describing how I feel. It's very frustrating, because as an autistic person, I need certainty, and I always feel very unsteady.
@@AutisticNotAlien I think maybe you will understand my thoughts on waiting for my diagnosis... I am certain that I am indeed on the Autism Spectrum, but in my certainty I am uncertain. Is this the product of my own feelings, or is it a lifetime of feeling uncertain because I did know before now that I was autistic. Without the 'diagnosis' we have been relying on the opinions of neurotypical folks to define normal, this simple cannot be applied to us without it making us feel unsteady. We feel the world around us differently, but how can we now knowing who we truly are be able to remove all the neurotypical indoctrination we have been taught since the day we were born. Sorry , I did tell you I tend to ramble a bit...
@@elizabethromanini3256 No need to be sorry - rambling is good if it's in search of an answer. Neurotypical people set the rules we're all expected to follow, but autistic people have a tendency of pointing out that some/most of these rules are silly/self-serving/hypocritical. Removing neurotypical indoctrination is incredibly hard. As late-diagnosed autistic people, we can enjoy the acceptance and comfort we receive from our autistic community - we can finally be ourselves.
Professionally Undiagnosed still at ummmm yea 54. I’m very curious about “what skills I could have learned a long time ago and integrated into my being” rather than my weird isms that were self taught and possibly maladaptive. Suppose they be more efficient than my me-isms
Thank you for the videos you create
I love the term 'me-isms'! Language such as 'maladaptive', 'abnormal' and 'deficits' can be hugely harmful for autistic people. It's so arrogant for people to assume that our different ways of being are inherently inferior.
You make great videos that explain what I’m feeling right now!
Thank you very much, Tiffany.
Oh my God. So well written. So well said. I will watch this one over and over again. Thank You.
Thank you very much, Gwyn. Looking forward to my copy of Jodie Hare's book arriving.
Y'all got a bloody leaflet? I was just asked "so what's your speciel interest?" and then sent home with an appointment 4 months later when I'd presumably "learned how to live with my new reality".
And same, diagnosed ASD lvl 1 at age 41, just months after my ADD (ADHD inattentive type) diagnosis. Life in tatters, but lucky enough to live in a country where I'm not bankrupted for being the worst at capitalism, and free healthcare meaning I could get a diagnosis for free (after a 2 year wait).
It's good at least that you finally got the diagnoses. I received my ADHD diagnosis last January, which has made it easier to ask for adjustments at work. But work is still very, very hard.
I take comfort in believing that my self-diagnosis at age 60 came no sooner than I was prepared for. Wishing I knew sooner would be wishing I was a different person. I did grieve my diagnosis , but glad I know now. By the way, you are very funny! I enjoy your content very much.
Thank you very much, Michelle. You've raised a really interesting point about being prepared for a diagnosis. I have to ask why I was struggling so much in my early 40s that led to my diagnosis - why not in my 20s or 30s, when I was also struggling?! I'm so glad that I now know I'm autistic. It means I can be kinder to myself and connect with other autistic people in a way I can never do with neurotypical people.
My younger brother has asked “Why the Hell are we even here?!?!” In other words what’s the point of or to the existence on this planet of a primate with a conscious awareness of themselves and those and that which surrounds them?
I ask this question much too often. I wonder if my mind is being irrational or if I am opening up to the truth 😬. If everything around us has it's purpose or meaning, then surely humanity does too? If we have no purpose or meaning, then choosing to no longer exist isn't so bad right? It would end a lot of pain. Well...not for those that may care, I guess....
The truth? *_There is ONLY THE MEANING WE GIVE IT!_*
That is a scientific _fact._ 😊
Might as well *make the best of it!* _(to the best of our abilities.)_
My partner has a little leitmotif: we question our existence, asking why we are here? There is no answer, so we just have to 'get on with it'.
He's not the most eloquent philosopher! 😂
I can't answer your brother's question. I think if I tried, I'd end up re-writing 'Imagine' by John Lennon, or saying something equally as vague and twee.
I love your sense of humor!
Thank you so much. I needed to hear that today.
I think it is impossible to have a late diagnosis and not experience at least some of those “what if” sorrows. I was diagnosed AudiHD at 52, so that’s a lot of time to look back on.
I’ve also thought about the inverse. What if I had been diagnosed? Would I have had accommodations to thrive at university, or would I have used it as an excuse to stop trying? I am also gifted and thrived in the structured world of US high school. My adhd never learned to cope with the self-direction of university life, and my autism couldn’t create routines to compensate. It was only the piece of my identity that was tied to being gifted and completing my university studies that allowed me to beat my head against a wall until I was able to escape with my degree. It wouldn’t have taken much to get me to quit.
That degree was the foundation of my reasonably successful career, which has actually been a result of trying to accommodate my autism and adhd. It hasn’t been perfect, but has it been better than it would have been if I had known?
Finally, there’s my wife of 31 years. Would I have had the confidence to pursue her? Would she have responded positively to me with an early 90s understanding of autism (which really wasn’t positive)? Hers is the only relationship that I’ve managed to keep more than a few years.
But if I had known I was autistic, would I have been able to build relationships in a way that I could actually keep them? Even if I’m not sure things would have been better, the “what if” scenarios take up so much space in my head. It’s exhausting.
One thing is certain: I wouldn’t have had to feel so broken for so many years. Just that would have made a huge impact on my life.
I've gone down the same 'what if' path (diagnosed at 56) and ultimately it's not been helpful because, bottom-line, I can't change any of it and as you say, it's exhausting. Getting used to not being defective is going to be enough to work on.
Whilst pondering recently, it occurred to me that as so many neurotypical people seem to mess up their lives whilst innately understanding the rules of a society designed to suit them, even without my autism I might have turned out to be one of them. From that perspective my life could have been much worse! 😁
@@ishbelharris1857 I wrote a version of these two stories to Neil as well.
I hope he takes *_THESE SENTIMENTS_* as they are the most _grounded and insightful_ *_ACTIONABLE_* steps to a healthier out look.
More unique perspective in the vien are needed!
Beautiful... we need more of these type if stories.
Man that was GOOD!!!! REAL GOOD!!!
Thank you very much for sharing. I was 'gifted' at school, almost failed A-levels (I'm not sure what the US equivalent is), then somehow did OK at university, where I met my wife. I would have wanted to know I was autistic much sooner precisely so that I could have avoided feeling so broken for so many years. The knowledge wouldn't have entirely prevented me from feeling hurt, of course, but the self-acceptance would have given me permission to avoid situations I was uncomfortable in and to seek more situations I would have been comfortable in.
The 'what if' path is not helpful, but...ah, 40 years of not knowing! But, despite me being such a misery, I always try to reach a positive. And here I am, responding to lovely & thoughtful comments from fellow autists. Life is weird & beautiful at times.
Another great video that had me nodding along with you in agreement all the way through! 💚
Thank you, Laura.
this is sooo beautifully put
thank you 🌸
Thank you very much.
Wonderfully consoling 🤍
Thank you, Barney. That means a lot.
A beautifully written video 💚
Thank you so much.
Lots of interesting content here and so relatable without being too traumatic...but all rings so true for me also. Mr Tickle adopted an inverted perspective too which is indicative of how 'upside down' the diagnosis and neurotypicals can make you feel. 😂
Thank you very much, Jeanette. I feel that I *had* to make this video, though I didn't want it to be entirely gloomy. So, while Mr Tickle is upside down for the reason you correctly identified, he will soon be standing up and trying to make people laugh again.
@@AutisticNotAlien Good to know...I will look forward to that.😃
Another great video! Thank you.💜
Thank you so much, and sorry for the delay in acknowledging your kind comment.
@@AutisticNotAlien 💜✨️💜
I started to self-diagnose in my 40s and got my actual diagnosis at age 46. While I do think back a lot and have been very busy trying to heal many layers of CPTSD from my life experience, I can't really say I grieve of feel resentment or anger. Sadness perhaps and some frustration, but the main thing is, I don't think knowing being ND would have made a lot of difference. People very likely still would have treated me as different, as an outsider, perhaps even mroe so had they known I'm autistic. It was the 80s and 90s and not a lot was known or understood about autism and "support" was mainly of the "corrective" kind. Likely, I would have been misdiagnosed too, the fact that I have ADHD as well not recognised (because you were not "allowed" to have both according to the experts) so ADHD medication wouldn't have been available to me either. Perhaps in the workplace I might have been given some allowances but likely I would have experienced stigma. So Yes, there is a lot of "What If..." thinking, but I'm not convinced things would have been that much better. It might have closed doors rather than open them...
I might not have been treated better if I had been diagnosed much sooner in life, but I'm sure I would have been a lot kinder to myself.
4:34 😂
This video 🙌🏻 I’m 40 and self-diagnosed a year ago. I feel these sentiments so much!
Welcome to the community! It's a big adjustment, isn't it? And we're expected to just carry on as normal, like we don't have this enormous new knowledge to digest.
@@AutisticNotAlien yep… I really wish we could have another lockdown (not Covid outbreak- just the lockdown part) so the demands could slow down significantly and I could crawl the rest of the way out of burnout. Plus, I need time to go through the rest of my entire life and make sense of my experiences.
@@cowsonzambonis6 I also appreciated the change in pace of life that lockdown brought, but it was during lockdown that I felt very depressed, which led to my autism realisation. So, I'd like a slower life, please, but without the depression!
@@AutisticNotAlien that sounds perfect! 🙌🏻
I've always known I was a bit different, and just had an assessment at age 50. The results will take another 4-6 weeks so now I'm experiencing a sort of quantum duality as to whether or not I'm truly autistic. But I'm just now getting an inkling of what might be in store after a diagnosis, and then your video appeared in a very timely manner.
My mom was always quite supportive of me, but she never hinted that I might have some sort of difficulty, though looking back I'm wondering if she knew and didn't tell me. On one hand I don't think she could've done a better job supporting me, and losing her in 2006 was quite hard, but on the other hand I can sense little resentment burbling up in the fact that she didn't tell me. She did get very, very mad at my teacher when I was 10 years old when he suggested I should go into the class with the "special" kids. My grades were very high so the school counselor sided with my mom. School sucked and I hated it with every fiber of my being.
There's one more dilemma I wish I had a third hand for: My special interest was aviation (until I experienced the phenomenon of Turning Your Favorite Hobby Into a Career, and the Unintended Consequence of it Turning Into Your Worst Nightmare, but at least it pays well). I ended up in maintenance but I wanted to be a pilot bad enough that I did a darned good job of being normal, and probably gave myself induced alexithymia in the process, but got my flight instructor ratings. I don't regret that, so maybe everything played out in the only way could have? But indeed the second chapter of my life will necessitate grieving the end of my first chapter.
Thank you for making these videos. They do a lot to help me understand the world better and are entertaining too. You also have the honor (pardon the American spelling) of getting my first ever RUclips comment. I'm not a new RUclips user.
@@tsongololo Chimes many bells when me. I look back to my mum's attitude and I think she knew and didn't tell me. She told me I had super powers, and could be anything I wanted. So I did. And I could. 😊
Ah, the 'superpowers'! I wasn't even told that. I was tolerated.
Thank you so much for sharing, and I am truly, deeply honoured to be the recipient of your first ever RUclips comment. You have made my day (I've had one of those typical, miserable-without-a-discernible-cause days that I have most days!)
I hope that you find the results of your assessment to be helpful. Thanks again for your fascinating and encouraging comments.
This is such a good video, Neil. What a strange and confusing journey we all face after diagnosis/realisation.
Also, I can't work out which Mr Men character that is 😆
Thank you very much. Wish I could do what you do - speaking from the heart without the crutch of edits. I should try it some time! Well, I kind of did in the Orion Kelly interview (accidental plug alert!)
The Mr Men character is an upside down Mr Tickle!
@@AutisticNotAlien I thought you came across really well on Orion's podcast (and I think we'd all like a bit of each others' skills as I'd love the ability to script videos as I often miss out on what I want to *actually* say during a ramble!) And I'm kind of annoyed at myself as I was going to ask if it was Mr Tickle but I couldn't see evidence of his longer arms 😆
Same.
I don't exactly resonate with this. I figured out my autism at about 73. I knew that I had a lot of problems, and saw a couple of psychiatrists at various points. They were very helpful, though they never even brought up autism. One thought I was hypersensitive to touch and sound, and thought these were things I could "work on and get over." That never happened. But I don't regret anything. I think I was too harsh on myself about a number of things, but you work with what is there. It would have been nice if my parents had been better people, but what's the point of that? You just deal the best you can with your own knowledge and your own situation. The only thing I regret in my long life is when I unintentionally hurt other people. And now that I know I try to be kinder to myself, but being undiagnosed was just part of the time and place I was brought up in.
Thank you for sharing. A friend of mine said they couldn't recognise post-diagnosis grief in themself following their recent diagnosis in their late 60s.
Well my diagnosis says I am not Autistic so yeah. It is awesome. Suddenly I just graduated high school and college and I have been able to hold down jobs and get promoted and wait.
If holding down jobs and getting promotions seems harder to achieve than it is for others, it might be worth getting a second opinion. Just a thought.
@@AutisticNotAlien There is no point, there are no services for adults. As far as promotions go, most decent jobs require degrees. I didn't even graduate High School. Pass my GED. Nah, just marking time at this point.
I skipped straight to pure resentment.
No normies or narcissists can hate me more than i hate myself...
Sorry about that. Totally understandable.
Yep. Sadly the same for me too. But the diagnosis has helped ease some of the self-loathing.
Neil! Thank you!
I am so sad today too, especially about not knowing I was autistic when my boys were growing up. I am 61 and was diagnosed last year.I feel like a failure as a mother, which is a deep wound that I lived with even before I had my boys. Just knowing I would fall so short, but going ahead with it anyway. I am so glad they are here, and now my grandchildren, and love them fiercely, but not neurtypically, which they still want and expect. I have wounded them, and they are robustly forgiving, albeit also eloquent in expressing how my uniqueness impacting them. Sigh. Humbled... and falling into an abyss of grief that only watching yours and other autistic's videos helps mitigate. Thank God for this community!
Yes, a rebirth after diagnosis, and also a thousand deaths... we can't go back and make it better (i.e. be neurotypical for our children) and even if we could, would we know how? No. But somehow their knowing would help, I think. Us all knowing and making accommodations so we can all flourish. Deep and wide is the grief. Long and High the sadness.
I love your rabbit trails! I am learning so much!
By the way, your words are just as eloquent, poetic, and resonant as those you shared.
Keep shining Neil, and thank you! You are brave and kind.
Thank you so much again, Lisa (and belated congratulations on your diagnosis). I doubt very much that you have been a failure as a mother, nor that your children are required to 'forgive you'. As you said, your uniqueness impacts them, but how could it be otherwise? Your uniqueness brought them into this world.
I feel guilty that I'm such a 'sad act' to my daughter, and yet I know she's grateful for what I and her mother do. She's grateful that I met her mother, as embarrassing as I am. And my son - autistic like his dad - is the kindest, most peace-loving person you could ever meet. Being kind is the most important thing, as you have shown through your comments, which were the best part of my day, and will probably remain the best part of my week - thank you so much (again).
P.S. I enjoyed your contribution to Autistic Jenny's recent collab video.
@@AutisticNotAlien It is like magic to encourage one another in the community, a place of kindness and celebrating each other as autistic humans. So grateful!
@@Dr_Lisa_Sosin It is magic. I've had some very dark days recently, and often a single lovely comment on here will bring me back up.
I feel the exact same way. As I look back on my early childhood how could my speech therapist not pick up on it. I wonder if they had Autism in 1975 and onward. I wish I had known then. I asked my mother why did not put me in the school for the deaf, but due to my mother's own selfish reason, it caused me more harm than good. As I am getting older my right ear has been fading. So on Monday I will talk to my counselor and ask him to enroll me in ASL. I feel that will help me communicate more. BTW love the cat noise. I should have made cat noises when I crawled under the table doing speech class in elementary school.
Autism has always been around, of course, but I dread to think how little was known in 1975. Look how far we've come! And look how far we still have to go...
@AutisticNotAlien I know what you mean. I'm glad more people are finding out they are autistic that way they are not alone.