Are You Your Parent’s Parent?
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- Опубликовано: 3 июн 2022
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My mom's emotions were my responsibility. It was my job to keep her calm and comfortable at all times. She could not regulate herself at all. My feelings and needs had to be ignored. I still struggle with setting limits and with knowing what I want or need. It's hard, but I'm still working on it.
I'm 38. I've only lived on my own for 3 years of my life while I was away at college. The rest of the time I've been stuck with my mother. My dad died 9 years ago. She is terrified to live on her own and is manipulative and overbearing in keeping me trapped with her and keeps saying she has no interest in living and if anything happens to her she doesn't know who's going to take care of her etc. She has no understanding that as a grown man I need to move on with my life. I've sacrificed so much for my family my entire life. And now, here I am, almost 40 years old and I have no life of my own and I have my own issues with anxiety/depression/Complex PTSD. I resent her so much. I just want to live a life free of her. She should never have had children.
Thanks for sharing
I really feel this
So relatable, the resentment can be so strong + difficult to deal with that's for sure. When we put others before ourselves (as I know I did for many years) we are left with nothing but deep rooted anger at them, until of course we compassionately acknowledge the role we've been playing in not honoring our own needs. ❤
Your words have me in tears right now because I'm also in your position. I resent my mother so much because she has made me feel obligated to be her caregiver yet she couldn't protect me as a child. I have no family to help as I'm an only child and any relatives are abroad. I've said so many times I wish I were never born. I'm 43 years old and child-free by choice because i refuse to pass along generational trauma and I'm constantly depressed and filled with anxiety. I'm unemployed and can't afford therapy. The resources in my province are terrible and I don't feel worthy enough to connect with people and make friends. I'm completely isolated and alone.
This is my story I'm turning 45 the past 20 years everything has been what she wants but if you need Shannon she wants to control my life married with two small children and it still continues she has major depression and anxiety issues but does not want any help. I don't know what to do anymore I need to get my life back I don't know what type of help to get and guidance thank you for this video
I think this is why i have such a hard time asking for help. It's like i feel resentful that i help soo many people and it literally never occurs to them that i might need some help. But when it comes time to ask, i dont want to so i do it myself and find myself resentful again. I think asking for help is scary when you grow up being the stability and caregiver to your parent. Allowing yourself to be helped feels as if you are losing the control you have come to overly identify with.
I dealt with this a lot as a kid. It put me into survival mode a lot. I was responsible for and also blamed at times for my mothers emotional well being. I am 24 now and it now makes me feel angry. Any time that I feel that I have to worry or feel responsible for her now makes me angry. I don’t feel like it is something I should have to deal with anymore. So when I find out that she’s not taking care of herself… or expecting me to take her in I get angry. But even though I feel like it’s not my responsibility anymore I still feel guilty at times. But I deserve to create a good life for myself.
I feel the same way sometimes. I'm a bit older than You and My mom has dementia and also is very manipulative (i don't know if this is part of the illness)
Its hard
Ugh I for sure know "guilt" or "the-feel-bads" (as I call it) very well + know how it kept me locked in patterns of overstepping my own needs for others in ALL of my relationships ❤
@@chia9851 Thanks for sharing Chia, experiencing a parent age is difficult on it's own let alone with these dynamics ❤
I used to be a long term carer for my mother. It was quite difficult. She has mental health problems. Since moving out I have realised what I have missed out on its been hard to think about myself now. Makes me sad.
I can imagine how difficult that may have been for your Hannah ❤
I see you. My mom is 87 and has a brain injury from a car accident. I am her primary emotional person and legal/medical coordinator. Thank goodness she is in a good facility and she is easy to get along with.
My dad died in 1973. That made Mom the breadwinner and me the “mom” at least for gathering groceries on bikes with my brother and cooking dinners and doing laundry.
Fortunately, I had a little break there for a few decades but when she had a car accident in 2018 I became not responsible for the house in the month my brother but for her.
When we get used to taking care of other people instead of ourselves, it is so hard to allow ourselves to take care of our own needs. My brother says “embrace your enoughness.” I am trying to take that to heart.
This is divine timing, indeed. I was just wondering about this today, as I had a conversation with my mother about her quality of life, and thought to myself, why is it that I always feel like the parent with my own mom? Thank you for finally helping me know what this is. 🙏🏽 I love how you helped pinpoint the inability to identify emotions and difficulty with boundaries. Excited to begin this journey so I can break the cycle for my own daughter.
Love universal timing Marina-- so glad this video crossed your path at just the needed time!
♥
I am trying 6 years now, to make my mother respect my boundaries regarding my personal space inside the house!! I am 42 years old!!!! she is a little child that doesn't respect their children's limits! it's awful...
New boundaries are difficult enough let alone when we received pushback from loved ones! ❤
I had this experience. So much so I’ve had to make “help” a four letter word. I’ve had to develop boundaries around helping people because I will go straight into self sacrificing actions being driven by being the help I needed and never got. Boundaries are super difficult to develop when this and other abuses has been happening since a pre verbal age. It’s worth it. The boundary I made with myself is that I will only help my wife, my son and myself. If I engage in helping anyone with anything there is a discussion where I say what I will and will not do and what I expect in return. This was harsh stuff to enact but not as harsh as volunteering myself to be routinely taken advantage of. Been watching you since you had a white board in front of a brick wall, you keep getting better and better.
I can relate Sawdust Adikt + know how many years I didn't even know my own needs or wants because I was always focused on things outside of myself (like achievement or others). Truly honored you've been around for so much of my journey on here, thank you!
❤
Yes I resonate very much with what you said about childhood parentification. I’m 35 f now and I still deal with it as I drive my mom everywhere (she doesn’t take care of herself or her finances) and deal with manipulative tactics such as the silent treatment and defensiveness if anything is ever brought up that’s uncomfortable. My bother recently passed away of drug overdose. He tried so hard to get clean and did manage for a year to be clean but he never could get away from my mom as he had to live with her for financial reasons. It’s very confusing learning now that a lot of these patterns we’ve been dealing with are textbook cases of child parentification.
I feel like this is significant moment on the enlightened journey - to feel like your parents parent. It certainly was for me. An opportunity to break the trangenerational chains, or at least tweak them x
So glad this helped enlighten your journey! ♥
I certainly feel like a therapist to my parents. Because I am so emotional intelligent, read and listen a lot about psychology and have completed a coaching course - I do feel a sense of responsibility to guide them and give them good advice - and I don’t want to make them feel bad but I do often say you know I am the daughter here so please respect that
Whoa... this is what I lived through while I cared for my mother for eight years. I wish that I had had a therapist or consistent guidance the whole time. I think that I validated my mother's situation too much and I should have recognized how hard taking care of her was.
Whew. This was a great one. I took care of my mom a lot when i was younger while she was going through depression. Then i came to realize how dysfunctional my family was and tried to become the savior for everyone.. the peace maker the only one who has EVERYONE back at the end of the day. My needs were never important. Not to my friends family or myself. If someone would’ve asked me in my teen years “what do you need?” I wouldn’t have had an answer.. i kinda still dont but im on a path to finding that out now since people pleasing has now been playing out in my romantic relationships and has led me to being in co dependant relationship.
I was a parentified child in every sense of the word!! I hated it I said yes when I wanted to say no, and because of that I still struggle to fully allow myself permission to be selfish and put myself first, I feel like I’m going to be this way forever
I hear that + know how upsetting it is even still when I hear myself say "yes" or filter my truth worrying about being perceived as "selfish" ❤
This has been me for as long as I can remember with my mother. Now that I can see that I have distanced myself from family drama. My mums trauma has led to her being afraid of my dad, to stand up for herself, and when I was younger I would allow her to use me as a scam goat because I was ( or thought I was) protecting her from my dads nasty words, not realising the life long affects its had on me and my struggles with myself. People pleasing, not meeting my needs, and being afraid to stick up for myself.
I started dealing with this when my dad started cheating on her full on, when I was 9. It’s never stopped till now. She does love me but she is still very immature. I find myself advising her on issues at times. Subconsciously. My mom , on the other hand, acts like a teenager that takes out her frustration on others (me) , trying to control me and trying to force her life values on me. When she got a boyfriend when I was 15, I knew it was because she was lonely and I told her it’s ok. Guess what she said when I’m in a relationship with a girl, and that I loved her soul? That girl has a lot of trauma, leave her. I haven’t left her. For me, my girlfriend has always been my only comfort place. For her as well. I used to listen to everything to my mom said until I realised how manipulative and selfish she was, despite loving me. She doesn’t know how to love. I don’t hate her. I’m living in another country now for my studies and it helps. I put strict boundaries between us and still talk to her but it feels like I’m forever more of a mother than she is
Thank you so much for such wonderful insights, I had no idea that I had been affected by this throughout my life.. thank you for sharing your time and knowledge 🙏❤🙏
Hi Dr. Nicole. I'm an avid fan of yours from the Philippines. I want you to know how much I love your YT videos and your FB posts. It helps me a lot to understand my parents and my own behavior. I hope a lot of people would discover and support you more. You deserved all the praises and blessings! I hope you have a happy new year celebration with your loved ones! Cheers to our self-healing journey!
So happy to be listening to this. Coming from a home that had alcoholic and drug using parents I often fell into the role of, "parent". This concept still feels so new to me to hear, despite the fact I was taking care of my mom and dad often until I was 19. I think the best thing I did was move very far away from my family. My father recently passed from a drug overdose, which was very sad. I do speak with my mom. I have forgiven her, and expressed alot of my anger etc. I have alot of pity my parents ultimately. I can understand that drug and alcohol addiction can be a disease for some people. It's not like they don't want to stop they just can't. I am now just grateful to be alive and have created a life for myself outside the family dysfunction. Setting boundaries or even saying goodbye and leaving people with toxic habits is sometimes the best thing to escape those tendencies or bad habits.
Thank you for the reminder of being compassionate with oneself. Learning new patterns seems a forever work in progress and it’s easy to feel bad about that
Compassion is such a HUGE part of the healing journey!
❤
This has been me my whole life taken care of me , my mom, dad and brother. At 52 I am still being my moms parent and working to change this in my therapy. It’s hard because I don’t know another way to be.
It's so hard Tamie especially when these roles are the only many of us have known. One small change at a time...❤
I experienced parenting my mom ever since I can remember. I tried to fix my parents issues after they fight. And I suffered from helicopter parenting. I was always in a fight or flight mode. Luckily I researched a lot and started speaking up for myself and they started listening as I became more credible to them within years. I improved myself in a lot of ways, but I still am unable to talk to them about things that would upset them (like moving out with my fiancé) without getting really emotional or even crying. It turns into a drama show and I hate it.
I feel heard and understood in the context of my parental experience.
I'm so glad you're finding some understanding through this video ❤
i already knew that this is something that has happened to me and still does, yet i still started crying having someone talk about it and how to heal further
Hits home for sure.
Thank you!
Thank you for the video. I’m realizing that my drinking habit stems a lot from this. It’s not easy being a parents parent. My anxiety is at an all time high trying to figure out how to make enough money for myself and my parents and trying to have us all adopt a healthy lifestyle. Thanks for bringing this up, it’s a huge help to be grounded.
What a great awareness to have Lesley. I know I started drinking + smoking pot really young as a way to distract myself from my deep rooted pain around my own dysfunctional family dynamics ❤
Story of my life.
I lived like this. I'm 51, ADHD, and OCD. I had to live my childhood through my dad. Only now things came crashing down. I didn't have a diagnosis until 2 weeks ago. My condition being unknown until now did a lot of damage mixed with my childhood.
I was. But sometimes I found it still difficult.
I used to be my mother's soundboard when my dad didn't treat her right. She was telling me how he doesn't deserve her, etc. Now I do not know how to express my needs in a way that respects the other person. I have had to self-sacrifice to make my parents happy, otherwise catastrophic scenarios would form in my head. I have done this all of my life and npw I am realizing what I have been doing. So I try to express it. It doesn't always work and I have breakdowns, but at least it is changing slowly. Now to express a boundary towards my parents...ihhh...that's another can of worms
Great perspective and it’s been progress over time. Social drinker who loves plant Medicine but shamed for use ( past ) . Currently legal state so use is more accepted and limiting beliefs around use has been reduced.
I may have a drink once in a while with dinner now.
💡💡💡🔑🔑🔑
Eventually the student becomes the master
I call it Gilmore Girls
Or Gilbert Grape.
🤣
@@Raphael0654 🤣
Does this view apply for the situation where You are an adult and your parent is old and sick? I mean...many times, we end up taking care of elder parents and as they get older, they start to act as children...does the view of parentification also apply here in the same way??
Also....i think when we start to see all the mistakes our parents Made....it's very easy to fall in victimizing and blaming...and i don't think this serves healing
Compassionately understanding why someone did what they did (as in the case with our parents) + still holding boundaries is not blaming or victimizing in any way
@@TheHolisticPsychologist Tx You for the answer Nicole !!
No, i'm not saying boundaries are the same as victimizing, i'm saying it's important to be aware when we start blaming and victimizing ourselves ...I think it's a very easy place to fall into. I know i did and still do
you have a philly or outskirts accent.
My brother and I were both made to be the adults in different ways. My brother fell into intense substance use and still struggles. I’ve been really healing the past few years and have blessed this pause to take the time to really start the process of learning what self care looks like for me. I do self medicate a little with mother natures plants. But they help give me strength. I choose to lead by example and my mantra is that I am breaking these toxic family cycles that are passed down through generational trauma. I am being patient with myself as I learn skills I was never taught growing up and process my emotions when landmines pop up. It’s a long process, but I believe I can change the world by changing myself and learning who my authentic self is and giving her a voice. Cuz I deserve to be happy, loved and respected. Everyone deserves this. That hate just begets more hate so let’s live to bring more love into the world💕 why be another thorn in someone’s day when you can be a flower? I chose to rewire my brain with positivity, love, and acceptance. Imperfect says I’m perfect. I focus on living my life for my self and focus on my goals and my future and how I can progress in the present. 💕🫶🏻💕
So proud of you for all of the steps you've taken to heal Krystal Beth! ❤
Great video, as always saving for clients🤍