Did You Parent Your Parent? Understanding + Healing Child Parentification - Terri Cole
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- Опубликовано: 4 июл 2024
- Did you have a lot of responsibility as a child?
Did you make dinner for younger kids, babysit all the time, clean the house, take care of a parent, or pick up siblings from school?
If you handled adult responsibilities like these as a child, this episode is for you. I am breaking down the causes of parentification, the long-term impact of child parentification, and the steps you can take to begin to heal.
Grab the guide for this episode here: www.terricole.com/healing-chi...
Time Stamps
0:00 - Introduction
2:27 - What is a parentified child?
3:52 - What circumstances create a parentified child?
4:37 - What happens when you are parentified?
5:45 - Symptoms of being parentified
9:03 - How to start healing
10:52 - Reparenting yourself
13:34 - Get to know yourself
14:18 - Have fun and reconnect with your inner child
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About Terri Cole
Terri Cole is a licensed psychotherapist, global relationship and empowerment expert, and the author of Boundary Boss-The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen and (Finally) Live Free.
For over two decades, Terri has worked with a diverse group of clients that includes everyone from stay-at-home moms to celebrities and Fortune 500 CEOs.
She has a gift for making complex psychological concepts accessible and actionable so that clients and students achieve sustainable change. She inspires over 450,000 people weekly through her blog, social media platform, signature courses, and her popular podcast, The Terri Cole Show. For more, see www.terricole.com/
Connect With Me
Instagram: terricole.com/ig
FB Page: terricole.com/fb
FB Group: terricole.com/fbg
Podcast: terricole.com/itunes
Resources to Check out
Boundary Boss Book: boundarybossbook.com/
Crushing Codependency, a six-week course I co-created with my pal, Mark Groves. Break free from over-functioning, over-delivering, people-pleasing, and ignoring your own needs so you can finally live the life you deserve! www.terricole.com/cc/
BetterHelp: betterhelp.com/terricole
I’m not currently taking any new one-on-one therapy or coaching clients, but highly recommend using BetterHelp to find a therapist that fits your needs. As a team, we have fully vetted BetterHelp's resources. If you choose to sign up for Better Help's service, I will receive a commission on the referral but please know that I only recommend services that I know & trust.
www.terricole.com/gethelp/ -- If you are in a crisis or any other person may be in danger the resources on this page can provide you with immediate help.
#terricoleshow #childhoodtrauma #reparenting
At 49 years old, I am finally dealing with the parentification i experienced. It's surprisingly hard, even though i have been in therapy off and on since i was around 11, and read and worked through too many self help books to count. I appreciate your clear, gentle explanations and recommendations. I also listen to all your videos on boundaries, and they're so very helpful. Thank you for the work you do in the world.
Thank you for being here, Linette ❤️❤️
I used to brag that "I've been making the same biscuits since I was 8!," until finally began to recognize the confused and horrified looks on people's faces and realized that being expected to cook for my family, scrub floors on my hands and knees (they wouldn't let me use a mop), take care of chickens/pigs, mow the lawn, spread the gravel, etc, etc ... wasn't everyone's experience in the 80s and 90s as a kid. I had no idea; I was an only child/grand living way out in the country on a small farm. I had no clue I was being used and neglected.
Now, I enjoy paying people well to help me with tasks and being really appreciative of their work, even when it is imperfect. (I would have been physically/emotionally abused if something wasn't perfect.)
I will not let my toxic family ruin my life. It's my life, and I'm gonna be kind. ❤
P.S. I don't make those damn biscuits anymore. 🤜🤛
Okay: Fun stuff ... I'm about to go get a fancy coffee, I'm meeting a friend for dinner in a few days, and I'm organizing our RV for some upcoming travel (getting organized makes me feel good) ... and I'll listen to good music and dance around while I do it.
Thank you for sharing your experience ❤️ I am witnessing you with compassion and cheering you on with your plans for fun!
At 10 min your point was profound…..we continue to caretake our parent/sibling by saying ‘they couldn’t help it’🌺🌺…..love that now we can take of us🌷
Thank you, Terri Cole. Wow. I am about to turn 75. Who says you can't teach an old dog new tricks? I am a fulltime caregiver for my husband AND I see myself in every step of what you described, which began with taking care of my brother when I was a child as well. I don't "blame" my parents but I do see where I have followed a path my entire life, taking care of others first, even though I actually thought I had learned better habits. Haha! Thank you for this exactly when I needed to hear it. I am in great physical health and need to take some steps NOW to make the rest of my life healthier in other ways. (the teacher appears....thank you)
I am so glad this resonated and was helpful for you, Diana ❤️❤️ Cheering you along as you navigate taking those steps!
This episode brought a tear to my eye. I would do my best to complete all the jobs assigned to me only for my mother to come home and criticise everything I had done. Realising my mother is a narcissist has been the most freeing and wonderful lesson for me. Working through it all is so hard but at the same time I am so glad this is happening now. I'm in my 50s now but late than never. Thank you Teri. I love your soft voice andkind way with words. ❤
I am so sorry you experienced that criticism in conjunction with doing tasks you weren't equipped to handle as a child ❤️ It is indeed never too late, and I am cheering you on ❤️
I love your voice Terri! And even the way you hold your head emanates empowerment. True embodiment
Thank youuu ❤️
Finally ordered and have almost finished her book boundary boss, I have teared up many times thanks to Terri’s comforting language and finally reading her perfectly articulated scripts helping me navigate the boundary dances we all experience in our family of origins. This topic as well as many of her others hits home for me. She comforts and speaks lovingly to our inner child’s and wounded selves. 9:29 THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!! Your words are truly magic.
This makes me so happy to hear, Jonah ❤️ I'm glad my work resonates for you! Thank you for being here.
I find it weird how some people downright blame their parents for everything "I hate you mom!!!" and others find all sorts of excuses for their family's behavior when the family in question was entirely toxic. I think the balanse is important. Maybe it's down to people not trusting their own judgment? It's easier for them to think in extremes than actually make their own detailed assessment of their situation. I went through multiple different issues with my mother during childhood and teenage. As a teenager I was definitely parentified by her. I am no contact with her since 26. But I would still never say something like "It's not my fault that she decided to have me in the first place". I am grateful to be a part of this world, thank you very much. Parentification did not actually ruin anything for me, because I was lucky enough to have other more caring family members when I was a child. I think for me it was my learned inability to prosess emotions or even understanding my feelings in the first place, that did most damaged.
Waited 70 + years to hear this. Yikes thank you
You're welcome 💕
My mother never allowed me to solve my own problems, it embarrassed me when she would jump to rescue the situation, it angered me when she would run to a person to defend me if I told her something in confidence. She would then reveal to them everyrhing I had told her. Eventually I gave in and just let her do because she would anyway. I felt like I had no control over my own life. She was extremely smothering. When I left home she concocted a weird story that she was left a million pounds in a will of a long lost uncle, just to get me to come home. If I wasn't living in the home, id get nothing. If I did move home she would then say I only came back for the money. It was maddening. Needless to say there was no long lost uncle or money. Thats when I began to realise that sometime was horribly wrong.
That sounds exhausting, I am so sorry you experienced that with your mother ❤️ To your first point- it is very painful and frustrating when our parents treat us like we are projects to fix!
Thank you for this video. I’ve literally been trying to figure out the answer of how to stop being a caregiver to everyone all the time, even my parent. It’s so hard for me to have fun because I’m always worried about not having enough time or thinking of everyone else. I’m a nurse and I actually hate that I am sometimes because I cared for people my whole life and I’m so good at it. I truly believe I need more self love and care, and fun . That’s truly the answer. Thank you❤️
You're so welcome 💕 And you are worthy of having fun and caring for yourself after caring so much for others!
My daughter's boyfriend grew up in a single mother household with a younger brother. He told my daughter a story about how when he was 12yrs old his mother had just had his little brother and he had broken his ankle. His mom was suffering from post partum depression and she was in bed an just crying and not caring for her baby son. So he was literally crawling to change his pampers and feed his baby brother. He should have never had to do that. She should have sought out for help from another adult. Since that day til today he was given the responsibility of caring for his brother and being told he had to be there for his brother because he is the only father figure, He went off to college with my daughter but she expects him to come home every weekend to take care of his little brother. If he doesn't his mom will call cuss him out and call him selfish. He is co dependent on her as well. She pays his car payment, car insurance , and his phone. So she uses this as leverage on him. It drives a wedge in my daughter and his relationship. He started to work but she still wants him to come take care of his brother after he gets out of work. So he has to juggle work, college, and caring for his brother as if he was his father.
That sounds awful, Elaine. Thank you for sharing.
You’re great, Terri Cole! 😘❤️
Thank-you ❤
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Taking it to heart everyday. Thank you 🪷
Great topic!
Thank you Terrie. Amazing food for thought for me! Thank you for the guide!! ❤
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Thanks so much for your work Terri. I'm learning so much super helpful information.
I'm so glad it was helpful, Julie ❤️
Thank you so much for sharing this content! I love your channel🤍
That makes me so happy to hear, thank you ❤️
You’re so wholesome. ❤️ you
After 48 years iam working on it.
Amazing, I'm cheering you on! ❤️
Thanks so much 🥰
You are so welcome ❤️
Great episode. I was my mom's mom and my lil sister's 2nd mom. I continued this thru adulthood and then married a man that was looking for a mother. The boundary force is strong with this one today. Thank you! Your videos have truly helped!
I am so glad my videos resonate with you ❤️ "The boundary force is strong with this one today" 🙌🙌🙌
I wasn’t really ask to be in this role I choose to unconsciously because I realized as a teen my parents weren’t capable and didn’t step up to create a home life. I step up to clean, I didn’t start cooking for the family until an adult ( I chose to cook by myself for holidays etc because I didn’t know how to let go and ask for help) and when offered I would usually say “ no I got it”. I usually expected them to clean or set up the table, we never had family visit us.
I am witnessing you with compassion, Lynn ❤️
Very relevant for me right now.🤐🤐🤐
Sending strength your way ❤️
I was the oldest girl of 9 children. When I turned 8 years old, my mother had me babysit constantly. Practically every Saturday I had to give up going outside to play. She always told me I was so capable. She had me do so much help, like the jobs she didn't want to do, like peeling so many potatoes everyday. Once she knew I could do the job, she didn't bother enlisting the younger sisters. But their lack of experience cleaning the bathrooms left them as adults, unable to keep their own clean and organized. I learned that marraige doesn't tie you down, kids do. So I put off having kids till I could afford live in help. By the time I reached that point, I wasn't able to get pregnant at 40. But I don't really miss not having kids that much since I can enjoy being a free kids now, and I enjoy the chomping of nieces and nephews. However, I find it interesting to note, that since my sisters and brothers didn't have my experience with kids, that they parent the same dysfunctional way as they were parented with no insight. And they are not open to becoming conscious parents of better ways. Whereas I am now like a grandparent towards kids, having come to realize we can be much more relaxed and loving with kids. Thank you, Terri, for having me see how this childhood impacts my own life today. I definitely am one who codependency cares about everyone else. Thank you for showing me that I should have more fun for fun's sake, and not always have to be so efficient and working. And thank you for letting me see that as a child a couple times I did fail drifting from my adult responsibilities - and got pushed for it. - it was rough not getting the respect from these little kids as Mom got as I babysat, and had no power to my bosses, my parents, so now I feel validated in this unfairness. Thank you.
I am witnessing you with so much compassion, Maureen ❤️❤️ Thank you for sharing your story and insights.
@@terri_cole Thank you so much for connecting with me! Love you!!
Hi I am new here! Saw you with Danny Morel just got the book today. ❤
Well hello there and welcome to my RUclips crew! Thank you so much for being here ❤️ Hope you enjoy Boundary Boss!
This video came in timely. I was just pondering about this very topic. It still doesn't change the fact that you still have to keep parenting your parents though? What can you do in this situation? My parents are 100% dependent on the children, financially, and they're getting older and sicker so, soon will be physically too. I don't want to have to keep being their parents for the rest of their lives... 😢 I LOVE them but I don't want this kind of burden. I've felt SO burdened all my life, it's like I've inherited 2 children that I never wanted and I don't know if there's a win-win solution to this 😢😢 What does one do?
I am witnessing you with compassion, Kitty ❤️ That sounds like a difficult situation. I have a video on setting boundaries with parents at any age that might be helpful: ruclips.net/video/obdyTUYkGpQ/видео.html
I really wish someone could address the fact that our nervous systems are not equipped to handle the global catastrophe. Internet connectivity and social media boundaries need to be addressed.
Agreed! ❤️ I just did a recent video about social media and tech boundaries, but I personally only read the news. That gives me more agency in how I consume it over watching it. I'll also ask my husband to filter the news for me and tell me only what I need to know.
You are also very pretty, Terri💍📿📝
How does “reparenting myself” help when my problem is that I had to parent myself? I’m an only child but I had to take care of me and it’s as much as a burden as taking care of siblings; I also had to constantly care for my mom and her childish outbursts, she was my child. Everyone says this with the assumption that we all have siblings, I’ve never heard this advice tailored for only-children.
I think the advice to reparent is the same whether you were an only child or had siblings (although I imagine it was hard doing it solo). Reparenting does not need to be a thing on your TO DO list - it’s basically saying to treat yourself like your needs matter. Give yourself the consideration that the adults in your life didn’t. I hope that helps 💕
I understand you dear. It is frustrating when you are in a situation that is not common and no-one understands. Everyone giving advice make the assumption that you are in the common situation, and no-one remembers to think that you are in a unique situation or a role-reversal situation. A common example is when you are a man abused by a woman. You are in trouble because no-one understands. They are used to women abused by men, and most (even the self-acclaimed experts) have never seen a man abused by a woman in their lifetime. It is outside their range of experience.
The only real reason for parentification is a STUPID PARENT. Because no matter what happened to you, you should not sacrifice a child's future to sort out your present comfort or challenges, or stupidity. You should not borrow your childs future well-being to pay for your present excesses, issues, or idiocy
This is so important topic Terri. Thanks you for taking this on ❤
Could you speak more about how to heal emotional parentification ?
This one is more damaging than instrumental one. One can learn how to be selfreliant and develop self-worth by learning how to cooki dinner or cleaning house. In case of emotional parentification, wrere one is resposible for psychological and mental wellbing of parent - that ceates disfunctions for life.
Child is given responsibility of „saving” parent and is never capable of doing so ☹️ This is impossible even for another adult! As a result child is giult tripped, obsessed with seeking control and always feeling not capable of „handling life” 🥹
Getting into therapy would most likely be the most effective action to heal emotional parentification. ❤️
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. It’s been so painful to face the truth that is buried beneath my pain.🤍
I am witnessing you with so much compassion and sending strength your way, Julia ❤️