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Not only bossy coworker telling me what to do, she was going around me and doing my work...which was not her swimlane at all. Then she replied that she WILL do what she wants and complained to her manager, who enabled her. When I didnt say thanks twice to a fake thank you, I was told I had tone, then was minutely micromanaged by said coworker. Person just wanted to protect her lazy. My being hired on to restart a project that had been sitting for nine months meant she woukd have to work and stop telling the business no. I felt like I had stepped into a huge pile that managers knew about but didn't want to deal with. Once she got that nod, the real "fun" began, she became a rabid dog. It was time to move on.
Yeah until he actually became manager and I didn’t know that he became manager and I was still ignoring and he had a chat with me in the office tellin me my attitude is unacceptable and he could send me home and I asked if he was a manager and he said yes, BUT BEFORE HE WASNT A MANAGER like what??
Didn’t work for me. She kept nagging because I was doing my job to the point and not her. It got so bad that I needed to tell her to shut up on my 5th day of work because she kept nagging me for doing my job well. Never talked bad to me again in front of my face, just behind my back. Setting boundaries is the best solution, the name tarnishing and backbiting is where you should just ignore it
Why I can't ignore that? I became so easily provoked and I respond to anyone who wrote rude or pushy or bossy email! I feel I am becoming hyper sensitive to these people! I every day thing of quiting my job, if I didn't have kids I would do that without thinking twice.
Nearly every toxic coworker or boss is still responding to the abuse they suffered at the hands of someone else, i.e. their parents, siblings, etc. I've found this to be the case nearly every time I get background info on someone acting like a jerk. I've been gracious to all of them even when they were flat out mean to me. In the end, I left or watched them leave because their toxicity is unsustainable in the long term. It costs employers a lot of money, down time, and productivity. If you have a toxic person on your staff do your employees a favor: fire the toxic person...today.
I wish that this was necessarily the truth. I seen so many people come and go in my department because of one toxic individual. She’s been brought to HR and yet she is invincible. I finally had to leave and it cost me my mental health and financial loss. I don’t regret leaving. However, companies need to be more proactive in addressing the problem. I ended up getting unemployment. That’s a financial loss for the employer.
@ivybichon8582 in that case you should leave negative online reviews and comment about your experiences with toxic employees while working there it will warn others who may see your review ND if enough people leave negative reviews similar to my apartment building ppl are gonna know to avoid it
How long? I've been taking the high road for a long time, and the toxic person is just not leaving or getting reassigned or getting fired. I'm almost at the point of being the one to leave.
If you’re constantly professional, kind and respectful, and that is NOT working , now it’s plan B! Handle your business, and at that point do what’s best for your mental health no one else’s
I have to agree with you here. I do like his approach, but there absolutely has to be a Plan B alternative. Reason being, a coworker who is being perpetually bossy, and trying to walk all over you is most likely not going to stop doing so, until they have a reason to. So, you are going to have to find some sort of way of pushing back. Which hopefully doesn't blow up in the workplace, and negatively impact your mental well being and career trajectory etc.. Yeah.. ultimately this is the main problem that most people have. Most people who sought out this video are probably in this situation. They know deep down inside they need to do something, yet are not exactly sure what that something is.
Very timely advice, my wife is being measured up in her new position as a manager. Simply because she started from the bottom and earned her way up there through sheer hard work and skills. Thank you, I appreciate your post. 🙏🏽
I find that bossy coworkers: 1) don't feel seen or heard. 2) want to show they are helping when they are not, and 3) they want to take part in your success..in sum, they want to feel needed.
@@jeanudo762 Great question. In working with clients who experience this from their colleagues, we can definitely practice some of what Dan has modelled. We can also create opportunity for the person to then feel heard, needed, is valuable. The energy between you and the other person can change dramatically to be a safer more harmonious one. What often happens is an ego boxing match. Dan has modelled an ego- absent response which is very simple: "Thank you." "Thanks for the tip." etc. Dan's tips work. What he teaches is what I am often working with clients on when they experience bullying, feel insulted.
Great stuff, Dan. The point @4:15 about saying things in a loving way is really about who we are. That was a killer point! Every part of this was pure gold.
Brilliant advice, It’s okay to secretly feel initially irritated 😤, however it’s it not okay to snap back. It’s always best to reach down and choose a kinder way to say what you really want.
Boy did I need this!! I've been struggling with a position I've been put in recently. Newest employee but the only one with actual training for the job. It's taken me a lot of work to find peace in myself and I've been struggling with how to communicate with them and not use words that come across wrongly abrasive.
This channel is super helpful, because it lets you find the right words for situations in which you probably won't have the time to think about what to say or how to say it. My intuitive responses are often overly aggressive or overly polite, so having small prepared phrases like "Thanks for the tip" or "I appreciate the advice" is really useful!
my guy.... I AM YOU... in a different place and a different time. Either I come of as way to strong or I am a doormat. No gray-area. work place politics does take a certain level of finesse tho. ANYWAYS THE QUESTION IS, WHAT DID/DOES YOUR BOSSY CO-WORKER DO AND WHAT DID YOU DO
This helped me so much today; yesterday, I was fretting about always feeling bossed around at work. This video elevated my understanding of using kindness as a moment by moment goal; that has real relevance and meaning. Great tool that I can use and be mindful of in the Big Picture. Thanks so much!
I tried this the other day, several people were bossing me, shouting at me in my face , make me carry things and run all over the place. One barked an instruction , I said " ok thanks for the tip sweetie, ill think about it " well that got my sergeant really mad and they kicked me out the army!
See the thing is, since bossy coworkers are unwilling to think about the impact of their bossiness, I am therefore unwilling to think about the impact of my response. I realize that effective communication can be something that's tough for bossy co workers to grasp, and I sincerely hope that each of them learns that skill for their own good.
Jordan, the impact of the bossiness of bosses is all on them. How you respond is on and about YOU. Why let their disrespect and ugliness spill out onto your responses? I don't understand that, and I don't think that is who you are. Don't worry about the skills they learn, Jordan; worry about the skills you are learning--worry about the person you want to be and the true image that you want to project.
She called me sweetie and I hated it. Thanks to this guy, I know next time it happens, I can say "Brooke, come here a second. My name is Kitara. You don't get to improvise."
Thanks again for reminding me that it's always possible to be loving selfless way. I think it's appropriate in any relationship, not only between coworkers.
Wow. Unexpected philosophical ending. I love it!👍👍👍👍👍 Not only you dissected the problem, possible solutions and which one is effective, you also gave the deeper reasoning why this problem is futile to solve in the first place! Your channel deserves 10+ million subscribers 🔥🔥🔥 Thank you for your
Thank you for the wonderful advice. I am dealing with a new coworker and I found myself being rude after having to deal with him. I will definitely respond more lovingly and not let EGO get in the way. Again, thank you for this wonderful advice.
I have a young girl who was in the area I got put in charge of recently and she was coming over to inform me of things and tell us what to do. She would only be covering my days off, but she was spending her day complaining about everything to anybody who'd listen, so I sat her down with our manager present and I told her that I no longer want text messages and complaints about her, and that we are losing another employee so we need to start working as a team and I want us all on the same page. There will be no more leaving work for the next person and I know shes a better person than being the complainer constantly.
I think you handled it well because you handled it DIRECTLY WITH HER, and your manager, rather than going behind her back and engaging in destructive gossip that wouldn't have helped her, your team or you. Kudos to you. She was doing far more than giving helpful advice; she was apparently damaging the team and the atmosphere and you put an end to that.
Thanks for reminding me why I left the office a long time ago. Because I worked in the field, it was easier to avoid too much contact. And I had a great relationship with the office people in all the departments, some I had known a long time at work. Wouldn't change a thing.
I remember I was in the same situation. The two of us were the top managers and the other acted like they know it all, had a rookie manager come aboard. The rookie was trying to give us some new ideas. Well the rookie in about a year became our new boss.
I was happy for them. Am happy for good things that happen to good people. And they are a great boss, they have a degree in marketing management and communication and they got me to watch your RUclips channel.
I have one female coworker who is very rude to me! The last time I made a small mistake she started shouting at me how ,,stupid I am" and she repeated it multiple times. I'm glad that I stayed calm during this, because if I beated her she would probadly report it to police. Also as man I shouldn't hit females. I started to ignore her the last day and I hope that this will work. I don't wanna be handcuffed for beating female
Is it bad that I want to say I love you to pieces? I wish you were my co-worker! Your energy keeps me going and your advice saves me from the HR office.
Love that. Follow-up question: If management see you thanking someone else for unsolicited advice as described in the video (but more subtle) they may assume that person is more experienced than you and consider her/him for a promotion before considering you. What is the best way to handle yourself to prevent this as you are more qualified than the other person? Comments like "let me give you some background" and "just so you know" out of no where.
Cyndi, hopefully management is smarter than that, and will recognize the advice for what it is--unsolicited--especially if your work doesn't reflect the advice given. And if your work does reflect the advice--you owe a debt of gratitude to the one who gave the advice to you, right? :)
@UC5Zb02pmVD2VA7lnx8mV4gw Bossy coworkers are insecure and need to validate their existence by playing supervisor. I see no reason not to put a coworker in their place in a professional manner. There are far too many shit-starters out that should not be stroked. There is also a huge difference between offering a coworker a little help and taking it upon themselves to supervise. I direct all questions to my supervisors and not coworkers. Even if a coworker offers advice, I always check in with my supervisors because I receive my assignments directly from him. I agree that we need to watch the way we speak to people, but there are times when we also need to be firm and find a professional way to say piss off.
"If you want your experience to be a loving one. Speak loving words. All the time. You can do that. I can help." I love you Dan! The more I learn about your approach and try it out on real life, the more I'm convinced of the usefulness of this approach to communication. I'm saving up my money to buy your course.
I noticed that taking this positive tone and putting ego aside, allows me to just watch what happens. I learn from it. Acting kind and respectful usually makes me feel kind and I begin to like the irritating person. If that doesn’t happen because the person really is a menace, just wait. Eventually others will catch on, though it may take some time.
Spot on ! You are such an amazing person and your advice is absolutely right. Happened to me in my job and I had to learn through experience that it is much better to keep back your nerves from exploding and deal with these type of people in a loving way. You will be saving yourself a lot of trouble later 😊 Thank you so much and keep up your amazing personality and good work xxx
I agree with your approach. There are plenty of times that I've regretted what I've said in anger or irritation (believing that I had to put the person down, to "put them in their place..."), but I've NEVER regretted being gracious. "Discretion is the better part of valor." Don't let someone yank your chain! And, as the old Chinese saying reminds us, "Thy friend has a friend...and thy friend's friend has a friend...therefore, be discreet!" *Especially in the work place!!*
Everyone I work with has asked me for help at some point everyone I work with has told me what to do when to do it and how and I’ve been delighted. There’s one guy where it’s different. It’s constant it’s demanding and flat out overbearing yet we have the same position been at the job the same amount of time and when I don’t do what he wants when he wants he gets an attitude and gets more demanding. Not to mention he thinks he’s allowed to touch people whenever he wants disguised as a pat on the back or the ribs or a creepy squeeze on the arm. Seems like an entitled narcissist who tries to take ownership of people and I’m not dealing with this at work. Thanks for helping.
Oh wow, you have great insight. Thank you for this. I find that I am gracious with employees and bosses, but these dotted line people drive me crazy. I will try to remember to be gracious to all. (So hard sometimes when people treat you like a novice when you have way more experience, knowledge and skills.)
I have asked bossy meddling coworkers to stay in their swim lane or, I would direct my work to them. Not sure how well this went over but I found it necessary to stop the madness.
Being switched on, wise and diplomatic and well presented verbally, you can always come out graciously from any situation you may choose to act not react ....so happy days. Love your videos 😉
Point of Experience! Saying’Thank you’ has been acting as a misinterpreted invitation for reoccurring interference. I found myself defaulting to the course of referencing the person who is monitoring my work. This technique works best in my situation. The know it all coworker is top dog in knowing how they believe things should be done ‘correctly’ - but doesn’t always match the executive director’s vision and practice. People 🤦🏻♀️
Here is an example: a more junior colleague who, when the boss is away wants to "organise" their colleagues. "Remember to file your documents here", "have you followed up on this". Not in a friendly way but in, I am the boss while thr boss is away, way..
The only time I ever snapped back was when my manager kept pointing out every mistake and micromanaging my behavior when I was FIXING my mistake. Kept saying,” you don’t got it you don’t look like you got it” in a sassy and passive aggressive tone when I politely said ,” I’ll take care of this” .
These days many companies has a horizontal way of leadership and sometimes these coworkers can influence a lot in your feedback be careful and be sure they can’t screw you because many can do some harm
Exactly! It is not like years ago whereby most people had a definite and defined supervisor, who solely determined his/her workplace performance review & outlooks. A lot of supervisors/ managers these days have team leads. In addition to longer term employees who are not officially in leadership roles, but in which they have a good working relationship with, and rely on for input in some way. The later type of employees can also have a negative impact on how you are seen by the supervisor and company as a whole. That is why it's a fine line to walk dealing with bossy coworkers. For your short and long term mental health sake, you don't want to let them walk all over you. Yet, you also don't want to fall into some scenario whereby they become your sworn enemies on the job as well.
I come from a (interior) design background, but last position was in sales. There were a few women, including the big pirhana, but most go-fast guys. Well, one who loved the sound of his own voice got my return client in the morning because client was unable to return in the afternoon when I started my shift. “Fast-guy” thought he was management material (there were no openings for mgmt in my stores location) and was the store managers shadow (shoot the breeze etc). “Fast-guy” went into the computer and opened my design drawings (don’t do that, I’m the go-to design/sales in our store) trying to “shoe horn” various sofa models in this clients awkwardly shaped room. He failed. He also hurried up to me when I came in saying “he was trying to save my sale” (he wasn’t). I told him to take his hand out of my pocket. He was trying to close the sale on the leather reclining furniture because it would have been a big money ticket and I would have had to split the commission with him. Nope. I rarely lose my cool at work. I’ve had snarky sales colleagues tangle with me upon occasion, but I always play on the level. But this time I asserted myself. Floor manager had me confirm sofa models I suggested vs Fast Guy’s offerings. There was no overlap, but as a woman, I got scrutinized 🤦🏻 Fast guy didn’t get a chunk of my commission. We got paid peanuts and overtaking top management ran our company into the ground anyway. Can you say “burn out” ? 🙋🏻
Hi Jannette! Great to hear from you. How long have you been retired??? And how are things at MLGW--one of the most fun training sessions of my LOOOOONGGG career!
I just started a new job and I am already receiving unsolicited advice from a co-worker about EVERYTHING I do. If I say anything and he doesn’t agree with it (which is most times) he interjects and gives his opinions as if it’s facts. My boss has witnessed this numerous times but doesn’t say anything about it and I wonder if it’s because this bossy co worker does it to him too when I am not around. There are times that I think this bossy co worker is weaponizing his tenure/expertise to shut everyone up and do what he says because he knows a lot about the work we do and everyone is pretty new to the team. I am starting to feel like this was a wrong career move. I am trying to remain professional but he is really aggravating me to the point I am mentally exhausted at the end of the day. I don’t want to work with him but I have to because of our roles. I don’t know how to tackle this. Any suggestions?
Hit them with kindness and continue to do ur job the best way as possible. If he starts to complain to the manager having issues with u don't say anything and let him expose himself. If that doesn't work out, continue working until u have another job lined up
I have been super patient, but today the "bossy one" asked me if I saw "the email" (she asks me like literally one minute after it sends lol) I said "no, want me to pull it up?" She said "no, but blah blah blah....... I then said okay, well I'm sure I'll read that info in the email, thanks. I was curt lol and matter of fact and kinda dismissed her. She got the hint and left me alone the rest of the day. She is always invading my space and coming into my cubicle and making me show her what I'm doing and why and I have to explain myself. But it's exhausting lol. And she ends up being wrong about so much, and I never say anything and she is not my manager or a manager lol, okay done with my rant.
@@TheWizardOfWordsGracias xx or in Australian..."yeh no worries thanks mate" 😂😂 (no really, you always reply to me, I appreciate it so much, thankyou Dan )
Thank you , I agree with you sir , i m trying my best to always give love to people no matter who they are , because l remember in a movie " peaceful warrior " that the people who are difficult to love are the ones that need it the most .that movie really touched me , and i know that we are born to love Life , people , animals plants ..... everything 💖
Great message!!! God bless you and your family. I have been loving to a long term PIA at work. When I match their soupy poopie attitude I never feel great. I always work on staying in the pocket and respond w kindness. It’s simply the way
Always so good. Thank you. I’m currently needing help to find my kind loving words as I am having vile false claims made against me. I feel slimed and so disappointed in these people and that I didn’t listen to my doubts.
It's difficult to continue to be mindful when those around you are being spiteful. It helps to remember that how you respond is about YOU and the person you are. How they behave is about them.
Yeah I got one of those a few guys on my team. Been working twice as long as him, I just let him think he’s right… he’s not a bad dude, but some of the things he’s telling me is just contrary to our industry and my experience.
This was hard to hear because I want to go awfff on my bossy coworker but she is 20 years older than me and you’re right it wouldn’t serve me well. Also she embarrasses herself anyway because she’s wrong sometimes ha! I’m going to use the “I’ll take that under consideration” and “thanks for sharing” route. Help me Jesus! Whew!
I love this, I have always thought that the communication is a reflection of the person saying it. Thank you so much for these beautiful videos! I have passed them along. You may have already done a video about taking to family, (as opposed to colleagues at work) but if not, that may be another good video idea for you. I work for myself, so I do not have colleagues, but this advise is perfect for any situation. 🙏🙏🙏
Here's one: Many years ago I was to review a contract written by an "equivalent" co-worker. The scope of work started with "TD&I equipment and...." Being a grammar nerd I disliked the initials in the beginning of a sentence. Also, I did not know what those initials meant. I went to his cubical and asked him what TD&I means. He loudly responded "You don't know that means Tear down and inspect?" Surely, he felt as though he scored on me. I told him I did not, that is why I asked. Seconds later I WISHED WITH ALL BEING that I had said: No, I don't. My prior experience was with multi-million dollar research contracts, not small dollar repair orders, a*****e! I may never run into a situation like this again, but someone else may. What would have been a better way to handle it?
That wish was your ego speaking, Celeste. You responded honestly. The only thing you MIGHT have added is "Charlie, that's the problem with using initials that you don't identify. Writing out the words would remove all doubt." However, I think you handled it well, and now should let it go. If he yelled out his answer, he wanted to score, but you know you're not in a game. Let him play without you.
Had this one girl in my last place that really got under my skin. We where working "together on a task", but I misheard when I agreed to do a section on a sheet. Then she had the audacity to blert out so my actual boss could here "stick with he task I assigned to you". I felt like saying, my boss is on the otherside of the table thank you, it was a simple mishearing of what I agreed to. I am happy to admit to a mistake, but the way it was handled made it feel ten times worse than it was. Had a few co-workers in my last place which were like this.
Whoo whee! The bossy pants you portrayed in your first skit is the reason why I'm self employed... 😆😆 I can't with those people, so I don't... 😂😂 I love your videos! Your advice is such a huge help and blessing! Kudos and props to you and all you do! 👏👏
Yeah, I agree with you. I have to handle my situation professionally and not with an ego, but it's been kinda hard to swallow that I have this new employment that I'm really excited about and now I have the employer son playing games with me which I did not sign up for family issues. I guess this will be a test for me. I've been really respectful and a lot of thank you trying to win over my employees at the same time I don't intend on letting them walk over me, including the son.
Here's one for you, and this happens far too often, everyone I know has accidentally done this, so I know I'm not the only one. At work, we communicate on the employer-given chat messenger, and I accidentally said something in the group meeting chat about someone else on my team who happens to be one of these toxic people. She confronted me in the typical "you have something to say, say it to my face" and I did not back down, I sincerely apologized and explained my view on what I was disagreeing with, and eventually she stopped responding. My accidental comment was that I wish she'd realize she's not a manager anymore and stop trying to control everything, or step down out of our position. Nothing super personal, but not good, either. Granted, I don't care for this employee, but I feel badly for hurting her feelings.... but stirring things up with a toxic person who is friends with other toxic office bullies, ugh, not a happy day at all, I'm having a hard time moving on. Any words on this topic would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for your videos, they are always helpful!
Chickens Don't Surf. OK, this difficult woman saw something that was not intended for her eyes. She wanted to "confront" you. Lots of that going around. Please know that what you said was certainly not personal, not name-calling, not childish, not unprofessional. It is also something you don't want to put on a group chat. As a matter of fact, I would be leery of putting ANYTHING on a group chat, other than such things as times and dates. Way too easy to cause problems when you're talking to a "group" calling itself an employee chat group. Employees shouldn't be "chatting"in the first place. Having said all that--Yes, if you have something to say about this person, you should have said it TO this person. However now it's over; you've apologized (hopefully not for what you said, but for not having said it directly to her). PUT A PIN IN IT. Let this woman be angry and even vindictive and gossipy with her other toxic friends. You are at work to do a job. Focus on that. Evict this woman from your head; she's not paying rent; she shouldn't be there. Now this woman knows that you think she shouldn't be attempting to manage others. That's the truth. That's what you think. Now she knows. I doubt that you hurt her feelings; she's probably upset that you've criticized her. Being upset or angry is different from having hurt feelings. Go about your business and remind yourself that if she can't let it go, that's about her. You should be big enough to let it go. Also remember, you go to an office to work, not to make friends. Period.
Yes, it was not appropriate for group chat, but you were not abusive, but straightforward. More good likely came from your comment than bad - being that her behavior was confronted in front of others, she will likely be more mindful of her behavior at work, which could save other employees from the stress that behavior can cause.
I wouldn’t usually suggest escalating the problem unless it’s affecting productivity or wellbeing, but sometimes it might be helpful to suggest meeting with a manager to clarify your roles. One time a friend of mine had this coworker who kept bossing her around, but it turns out that management was vague about each person’s responsibilities, which led to preventable confusion and frustration. The coworker thought she was supposed to be managing my friend, or in charge of a certain aspect of the project.
Ok, this might be off topic for this video but you're my go-to for communications issues. I had a customer in the car the other day. I told her that I was going to school for accounting and that school was being paid for by my employer. She starts out by asking me where does the money come from. I said I don't know. She says well if you want to be an accountant then you need to know where the money comes from. I told her honestly, I'm not that far in my classes yet. She keeps pushing the topic that you should be able to figure it out if you want to be an accountant. I said not sure, and honestly I don't care as long as the classes are being paid for. This enrages her and she goes off on a tangent about how she's a business owner and she knows where every dime comes from and where every dime goes and that I need to be as diligent as her when it comes to money. Luckily, I made it to the destination and she left the vehicle. I can't stop thinking about this lady and why she insisted on making me so uncomfortable.
I think I can solve the mystery of why she insisted on making you so uncomfortable. She was showing off. She was demonstrating how smart she is. Forget it TCBT. Here's the deal. She's really not that smart. No accountant on earth would know where the money came from that is paying for your school unless he/she happened to be the accountant for your employer. I presume that if you are in school, you are not yet the accountant for your employer. How could you POSSIBLY know about your employer's finances or income streams unless you held a financial position within the company? Regardless of your level of accounting education, you would not know the financial particulars of any company unless you were told those particulars. You don't learn in school where Joe's Grocery Store gets its money-- you learn that if you are Joe's accountant or his business partner or his spouse or all of the above. Now I hope you can stop thinking about this insecure woman who has to try to convince people she is smart because she's not so sure herself.
i came up with words bc i can’t stand this it makes me sleepless these toxic people so i say « actually i’m good! i’ve got this but thank you for trying to help«
In technology, the rookies often know more about specifics of specifics than the senior people. The difference is that senior people (should) have more judgement and wisdom. Strategy vs Tactics. A good engineer will listen to anyone, but looks for receipts and uses their own judgement to validate the input.
Absolutely brilliant video - very well timed. Pandemic has forced me to take team member jobs when usually i was team lead - I've heard myself slipping into auto reflex (guided suggestions to change colleagues tasking format) #SelfCringe Thankyou Dan You're amazing
Any directive given to me outside of management is automatically disregarded PERIODT! If I'm goofing up I'm usually aware and grateful for feedback. What we're not about to do, is act like you are my direct supervisor when we have the same job and management hasn't said anything to me 😂
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Not only bossy coworker telling me what to do, she was going around me and doing my work...which was not her swimlane at all. Then she replied that she WILL do what she wants and complained to her manager, who enabled her. When I didnt say thanks twice to a fake thank you, I was told I had tone, then was minutely micromanaged by said coworker. Person just wanted to protect her lazy. My being hired on to restart a project that had been sitting for nine months meant she woukd have to work and stop telling the business no. I felt like I had stepped into a huge pile that managers knew about but didn't want to deal with. Once she got that nod, the real "fun" began, she became a rabid dog. It was time to move on.
How to deal with bossy coworkers: Ignore them and move on. Don’t give them attention and eventually they’ll leave you alone. It worked for me
If you are able to do that--that would work :)
Finally had enough and started trying this approach today. Fingers crossed!
Yeah until he actually became manager and I didn’t know that he became manager and I was still ignoring and he had a chat with me in the office tellin me my attitude is unacceptable and he could send me home and I asked if he was a manager and he said yes, BUT BEFORE HE WASNT A MANAGER like what??
Didn’t work for me. She kept nagging because I was doing my job to the point and not her. It got so bad that I needed to tell her to shut up on my 5th day of work because she kept nagging me for doing my job well. Never talked bad to me again in front of my face, just behind my back. Setting boundaries is the best solution, the name tarnishing and backbiting is where you should just ignore it
Why I can't ignore that? I became so easily provoked and I respond to anyone who wrote rude or pushy or bossy email! I feel I am becoming hyper sensitive to these people! I every day thing of quiting my job, if I didn't have kids I would do that without thinking twice.
Nearly every toxic coworker or boss is still responding to the abuse they suffered at the hands of someone else, i.e. their parents, siblings, etc. I've found this to be the case nearly every time I get background info on someone acting like a jerk. I've been gracious to all of them even when they were flat out mean to me. In the end, I left or watched them leave because their toxicity is unsustainable in the long term. It costs employers a lot of money, down time, and productivity. If you have a toxic person on your staff do your employees a favor: fire the toxic person...today.
I agree.
But is a union company, fire someone is so difficult task.
I wish that this was necessarily the truth. I seen so many people come and go in my department because of one toxic individual. She’s been brought to HR and yet she is invincible. I finally had to leave and it cost me my mental health and financial loss. I don’t regret leaving. However, companies need to be more proactive in addressing the problem. I ended up getting unemployment. That’s a financial loss for the employer.
@ivybichon8582 in that case you should leave negative online reviews and comment about your experiences with toxic employees while working there it will warn others who may see your review ND if enough people leave negative reviews similar to my apartment building ppl are gonna know to avoid it
How long? I've been taking the high road for a long time, and the toxic person is just not leaving or getting reassigned or getting fired. I'm almost at the point of being the one to leave.
If you’re constantly professional, kind and respectful, and that is NOT working , now it’s plan B! Handle your business, and at that point do what’s best for your mental health no one else’s
I have to agree with you here. I do like his approach, but there absolutely has to be a Plan B alternative. Reason being, a coworker who is being perpetually bossy, and trying to walk all over you is most likely not going to stop doing so, until they have a reason to. So, you are going to have to find some sort of way of pushing back. Which hopefully doesn't blow up in the workplace, and negatively impact your mental well being and career trajectory etc.. Yeah.. ultimately this is the main problem that most people have. Most people who sought out this video are probably in this situation. They know deep down inside they need to do something, yet are not exactly sure what that something is.
Very timely advice, my wife is being measured up in her new position as a manager. Simply because she started from the bottom and earned her way up there through sheer hard work and skills. Thank you, I appreciate your post. 🙏🏽
You're welcome erictubero and thank you.
I find that bossy coworkers: 1) don't feel seen or heard. 2) want to show they are helping when they are not, and 3) they want to take part in your success..in sum, they want to feel needed.
Yes.
You got it clear as day 🎉
You hit the nail on the head! I’m going through this right now this woman is needy as the day is long!
@@TheWizardOfWords Is this really true? What should other coworkers do to support their colleague that displaying such behavior?
@@jeanudo762 Great question. In working with clients who experience this from their colleagues, we can definitely practice some of what Dan has modelled. We can also create opportunity for the person to then feel heard, needed, is valuable. The energy between you and the other person can change dramatically to be a safer more harmonious one. What often happens is an ego boxing match. Dan has modelled an ego- absent response which is very simple: "Thank you." "Thanks for the tip." etc. Dan's tips work. What he teaches is what I am often working with clients on when they experience bullying, feel insulted.
Great stuff, Dan. The point @4:15 about saying things in a loving way is really about who we are. That was a killer point! Every part of this was pure gold.
Thanks, Alex. Congratulations on the growth of your coaching company.
@@TheWizardOfWords Thank you, Dan. I appreciate it. You have been and continue to be a role model for me.
Brilliant advice,
It’s okay to secretly feel initially irritated 😤, however it’s it not okay to snap back. It’s always best to reach down and choose a kinder way to say what you really want.
Absolutely!
Boy did I need this!! I've been struggling with a position I've been put in recently. Newest employee but the only one with actual training for the job. It's taken me a lot of work to find peace in myself and I've been struggling with how to communicate with them and not use words that come across wrongly abrasive.
This channel is super helpful, because it lets you find the right words for situations in which you probably won't have the time to think about what to say or how to say it. My intuitive responses are often overly aggressive or overly polite, so having small prepared phrases like "Thanks for the tip" or "I appreciate the advice" is really useful!
That's the goal, Marius--I try to give you the words that will help you mindfully handle challenging situations. Not the theory--the words.
my guy.... I AM YOU... in a different place and a different time. Either I come of as way to strong or I am a doormat. No gray-area. work place politics does take a certain level of finesse tho. ANYWAYS THE QUESTION IS, WHAT DID/DOES YOUR BOSSY CO-WORKER DO AND WHAT DID YOU DO
This helped me so much today; yesterday, I was fretting about always feeling bossed around at work. This video elevated my understanding of using kindness as a moment by moment goal; that has real relevance and meaning. Great tool that I can use and be mindful of in the Big Picture. Thanks so much!
You're very welcome, S.
I am grateful to God for Dan and his teaching. Thanks Dan!!!
You are a better man than me. I go straight to the "PISS OFF."
Maybe next time you won't, Earthcat. It's really not helpful in the long run--helpful for YOU.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I love your videos so much! I struggle with sticking with assertiveness and sometimes let people walk over my boundaries
And when people walk all over you, it doesn't feel good. I hope this video helps you, Michelle.
Your channel amazes me. You seem to know and address every problem I’ve ever dealt with in the workplace.
I was in the workplace quite awhile before I found my way to communication training, TheClayBearTravels.
I tried this the other day, several people were bossing me, shouting at me in my face , make me carry things and run all over the place. One barked an instruction , I said " ok thanks for the tip sweetie, ill think about it " well that got my sergeant really mad and they kicked me out the army!
My father was a Marine. He would have called this a typical Army story :()
See the thing is, since bossy coworkers are unwilling to think about the impact of their bossiness, I am therefore unwilling to think about the impact of my response. I realize that effective communication can be something that's tough for bossy co workers to grasp, and I sincerely hope that each of them learns that skill for their own good.
Jordan, the impact of the bossiness of bosses is all on them. How you respond is on and about YOU. Why let their disrespect and ugliness spill out onto your responses? I don't understand that, and I don't think that is who you are. Don't worry about the skills they learn, Jordan; worry about the skills you are learning--worry about the person you want to be and the true image that you want to project.
Thank you!
She called me sweetie and I hated it. Thanks to this guy, I know next time it happens, I can say "Brooke, come here a second. My name is Kitara. You don't get to improvise."
Thanks again for reminding me that it's always possible to be loving selfless way. I think it's appropriate in any relationship, not only between coworkers.
Absolutely! Without question, prod exit.
This was a great tip because my heart has been hurting by pushing an outstanding person away for being so bossy. The power of a "Than you".
There's nothing that you have to say that you can't say in a loving way
Wow. Unexpected philosophical ending. I love it!👍👍👍👍👍
Not only you dissected the problem, possible solutions and which one is effective, you also gave the deeper reasoning why this problem is futile to solve in the first place!
Your channel deserves 10+ million subscribers 🔥🔥🔥
Thank you for your
Thank you for the wonderful advice. I am dealing with a new coworker and I found myself being rude after having to deal with him. I will definitely respond more lovingly and not let EGO get in the way. Again, thank you for this wonderful advice.
Very happy to help Otter.pro
I have a young girl who was in the area I got put in charge of recently and she was coming over to inform me of things and tell us what to do. She would only be covering my days off, but she was spending her day complaining about everything to anybody who'd listen, so I sat her down with our manager present and I told her that I no longer want text messages and complaints about her, and that we are losing another employee so we need to start working as a team and I want us all on the same page. There will be no more leaving work for the next person and I know shes a better person than being the complainer constantly.
I think you handled it well because you handled it DIRECTLY WITH HER, and your manager, rather than going behind her back and engaging in destructive gossip that wouldn't have helped her, your team or you. Kudos to you. She was doing far more than giving helpful advice; she was apparently damaging the team and the atmosphere and you put an end to that.
@@TheWizardOfWords
Thank you! Shes been way better since! Shes really a nice girl, she just needs maturity which comes with time ( hopefully lol).
Thanks for reminding me why I left the office a long time ago. Because I worked in the field, it was easier to avoid too much contact. And I had a great relationship with the office people in all the departments, some I had known a long time at work.
Wouldn't change a thing.
I remember I was in the same situation. The two of us were the top managers and the other acted like they know it all, had a rookie manager come aboard. The rookie was trying to give us some new ideas. Well the rookie in about a year became our new boss.
Ouch.
I was happy for them. Am happy for good things that happen to good people. And they are a great boss, they have a degree in marketing management and communication and they got me to watch your RUclips channel.
I've struggled with this. I respond graciously, but they become more insufferable; bossing me around even more often to feed their own ego.
Lisa, gracious is good, but you must combine it with assertiveness and the power of NO.
Incredibly sound advice for EVERYONE!! A+ again Dan. Thank you.
Many thanks, N M. Please share--with EVERYONE :)
I have one female coworker who is very rude to me! The last time I made a small mistake she started shouting at me how ,,stupid I am" and she repeated it multiple times. I'm glad that I stayed calm during this, because if I beated her she would probadly report it to police. Also as man I shouldn't hit females. I started to ignore her the last day and I hope that this will work.
I don't wanna be handcuffed for beating female
🤦🏽♀️😂😂😂😂 please don’t. You have a sit down with her in front of your manager and let her know that she’s creating a “TOXIC WORK ENVIRONMENT”,
Is it bad that I want to say I love you to pieces? I wish you were my co-worker! Your energy keeps me going and your advice saves me from the HR office.
I hope that's a good thing, DF :)
How can I stop myself for b o s s y people around
Love that. Follow-up question: If management see you thanking someone else for unsolicited advice as described in the video (but more subtle) they may assume that person is more experienced than you and consider her/him for a promotion before considering you. What is the best way to handle yourself to prevent this as you are more qualified than the other person? Comments like "let me give you some background" and "just so you know" out of no where.
I hope nobody will hold helping and giving...
Cyndi, hopefully management is smarter than that, and will recognize the advice for what it is--unsolicited--especially if your work doesn't reflect the advice given. And if your work does reflect the advice--you owe a debt of gratitude to the one who gave the advice to you, right? :)
@UC5Zb02pmVD2VA7lnx8mV4gw Bossy coworkers are insecure and need to validate their existence by playing supervisor. I see no reason not to put a coworker in their place in a professional manner. There are far too many shit-starters out that should not be stroked. There is also a huge difference between offering a coworker a little help and taking it upon themselves to supervise. I direct all questions to my supervisors and not coworkers. Even if a coworker offers advice, I always check in with my supervisors because I receive my assignments directly from him. I agree that we need to watch the way we speak to people, but there are times when we also need to be firm and find a professional way to say piss off.
@@reneep4181I 1000% agree with this.
"If you want your experience to be a loving one. Speak loving words. All the time. You can do that. I can help." I love you Dan! The more I learn about your approach and try it out on real life, the more I'm convinced of the usefulness of this approach to communication. I'm saving up my money to buy your course.
Trumpstersareturds--write Jean at jean@danoconnortraining.com and she'll help you out.
I noticed that taking this positive tone and putting ego aside, allows me to just watch what happens. I learn from it. Acting kind and respectful usually makes me feel kind and I begin to like the irritating person. If that doesn’t happen because the person really is a menace, just wait. Eventually others will catch on, though it may take some time.
You are just so awesome! So kind…..and very enlightened 🌟
I try; I fail; I try again. I hope we all do.
I think the thank you would satisfy lots of people and they would move along.
That's my experience.
Spot on ! You are such an amazing person and your advice is absolutely right. Happened to me in my job and I had to learn through experience that it is much better to keep back your nerves from exploding and deal with these type of people in a loving way. You will be saving yourself a lot of trouble later 😊 Thank you so much and keep up your amazing personality and good work xxx
Many thanks, Romaine, and I hope you share this video :)
Its not about ego, i just want to be able to do my job properly.
that bit of genius at the end was a pleasant surprise, i have to share this with the world they need to know
Yes, please do share, Amber; the world needs to know about these analogies. :) :)
I agree with your approach. There are plenty of times that I've regretted what I've said in anger or irritation (believing that I had to put the person down, to "put them in their place..."), but I've NEVER regretted being gracious. "Discretion is the better part of valor." Don't let someone yank your chain!
And, as the old Chinese saying reminds us, "Thy friend has a friend...and thy friend's friend has a friend...therefore, be discreet!" *Especially in the work place!!*
Well said, RS.
Everyone I work with has asked me for help at some point everyone I work with has told me what to do when to do it and how and I’ve been delighted. There’s one guy where it’s different. It’s constant it’s demanding and flat out overbearing yet we have the same position been at the job the same amount of time and when I don’t do what he wants when he wants he gets an attitude and gets more demanding. Not to mention he thinks he’s allowed to touch people whenever he wants disguised as a pat on the back or the ribs or a creepy squeeze on the arm. Seems like an entitled narcissist who tries to take ownership of people and I’m not dealing with this at work. Thanks for helping.
😅😅
Oh wow, you have great insight. Thank you for this. I find that I am gracious with employees and bosses, but these dotted line people drive me crazy. I will try to remember to be gracious to all. (So hard sometimes when people treat you like a novice when you have way more experience, knowledge and skills.)
Agree it sucks
I have asked bossy meddling coworkers to stay in their swim lane or, I would direct my work to them. Not sure how well this went over but I found it necessary to stop the madness.
Not a bad idea, if you're in a position to do that, Renee.
Usually it's older employees, jealous employees. Someone who has some sort of interest to make you look bad and themselves more competent
Your videos have changed my professional life. Thank you so much! Please keep making them. You are amazing!
Thank you! Will do.
Being switched on, wise and diplomatic and well presented verbally, you can always come out graciously from any situation you may choose to act not react ....so happy days.
Love your videos 😉
Thanks, Coach Angela P. Wilson! Please share any of these videos you find helpful.
The perfect example of not getting what I want but what I need
Point of Experience! Saying’Thank you’ has been acting as a misinterpreted invitation for reoccurring interference. I found myself defaulting to the course of referencing the person who is monitoring my work. This technique works best in my situation. The know it all coworker is top dog in knowing how they believe things should be done ‘correctly’ - but doesn’t always match the executive director’s vision and practice. People 🤦🏻♀️
Here is an example: a more junior colleague who, when the boss is away wants to "organise" their colleagues. "Remember to file your documents here", "have you followed up on this". Not in a friendly way but in, I am the boss while thr boss is away, way..
Yes it's true that giving orders is different from a colleague offering to "help"when you don't really need it.
The only time I ever snapped back was when my manager kept pointing out every mistake and micromanaging my behavior when I was FIXING my mistake. Kept saying,” you don’t got it you don’t look like you got it” in a sassy and passive aggressive tone when I politely said ,” I’ll take care of this” .
I love the way you communicate Dan I wish I naturally spoke like you
These days many companies has a horizontal way of leadership and sometimes these coworkers can influence a lot in your feedback be careful and be sure they can’t screw you because many can do some harm
Exactly! It is not like years ago whereby most people had a definite and defined supervisor, who solely determined his/her workplace performance review & outlooks. A lot of supervisors/ managers these days have team leads. In addition to longer term employees who are not officially in leadership roles, but in which they have a good working relationship with, and rely on for input in some way. The later type of employees can also have a negative impact on how you are seen by the supervisor and company as a whole. That is why it's a fine line to walk dealing with bossy coworkers. For your short and long term mental health sake, you don't want to let them walk all over you. Yet, you also don't want to fall into some scenario whereby they become your sworn enemies on the job as well.
I come from a (interior) design background, but last position was in sales. There were a few women, including the big pirhana, but most go-fast guys. Well, one who loved the sound of his own voice got my return client in the morning because client was unable to return in the afternoon when I started my shift. “Fast-guy” thought he was management material (there were no openings for mgmt in my stores location) and was the store managers shadow (shoot the breeze etc). “Fast-guy” went into the computer and opened my design drawings (don’t do that, I’m the go-to design/sales in our store) trying to “shoe horn” various sofa models in this clients awkwardly shaped room. He failed. He also hurried up to me when I came in saying “he was trying to save my sale” (he wasn’t). I told him to take his hand out of my pocket. He was trying to close the sale on the leather reclining furniture because it would have been a big money ticket and I would have had to split the commission with him. Nope. I rarely lose my cool at work. I’ve had snarky sales colleagues tangle with me upon occasion, but I always play on the level. But this time I asserted myself. Floor manager had me confirm sofa models I suggested vs Fast Guy’s offerings. There was no overlap, but as a woman, I got scrutinized 🤦🏻 Fast guy didn’t get a chunk of my commission. We got paid peanuts and overtaking top management ran our company into the ground anyway. Can you say “burn out” ? 🙋🏻
Always valuable advice Dan. I’ve learned so much from you. Thank you ❤️
I appreciate your taking the time to write, Bambina. I hope you share these videos.
Hey Dan! Even though I retired from MLGW I still value your videos❣️
Hi Jannette! Great to hear from you. How long have you been retired??? And how are things at MLGW--one of the most fun training sessions of my LOOOOONGGG career!
I just started a new job and I am already receiving unsolicited advice from a co-worker about EVERYTHING I do. If I say anything and he doesn’t agree with it (which is most times) he interjects and gives his opinions as if it’s facts. My boss has witnessed this numerous times but doesn’t say anything about it and I wonder if it’s because this bossy co worker does it to him too when I am not around. There are times that I think this bossy co worker is weaponizing his tenure/expertise to shut everyone up and do what he says because he knows a lot about the work we do and everyone is pretty new to the team.
I am starting to feel like this was a wrong career move. I am trying to remain professional but he is really aggravating me to the point I am mentally exhausted at the end of the day. I don’t want to work with him but I have to because of our roles. I don’t know how to tackle this. Any suggestions?
Hit them with kindness and continue to do ur job the best way as possible. If he starts to complain to the manager having issues with u don't say anything and let him expose himself. If that doesn't work out, continue working until u have another job lined up
“Hey Siri how can I professionally tell my coworker that I appreciate her feedback but the way I open my envelopes should not be her concern”
You tell her just that.
I have been super patient, but today the "bossy one" asked me if I saw "the email" (she asks me like literally one minute after it sends lol) I said "no, want me to pull it up?" She said "no, but blah blah blah....... I then said okay, well I'm sure I'll read that info in the email, thanks. I was curt lol and matter of fact and kinda dismissed her. She got the hint and left me alone the rest of the day. She is always invading my space and coming into my cubicle and making me show her what I'm doing and why and I have to explain myself. But it's exhausting lol. And she ends up being wrong about so much, and I never say anything and she is not my manager or a manager lol, okay done with my rant.
Thankyou Dan!!! I will try to remember 'loving word's. It's very hard when somebody is not doing that for you ore treating you with not much respect.
It is hard, but ultimately rewarding because you are being the person you were meant to be--kind, compassionate, and loving--and not egocentric.
@@TheWizardOfWordsGracias xx or in Australian..."yeh no worries thanks mate" 😂😂 (no really, you always reply to me, I appreciate it so much, thankyou Dan )
Yup this is EXACTLY how my newest co workers are at BOTH jobs I hve. They don’t go into the last part of this but they act like my boss.
Your communication style is great! I love your videos. Thank you for helping us communicate more effectively. 😊
You're welcome strangeclock :)
Thank you , I agree with you sir , i m trying my best to always give love to people no matter who they are , because l remember in a movie " peaceful warrior " that the people who are difficult to love are the ones that need it the most .that movie really touched me , and i know that we are born to love Life , people , animals plants ..... everything 💖
Absolutely, Imene. Everything! That's the goal.
Great message!!! God bless you and your family. I have been loving to a long term PIA at work. When I match their soupy poopie attitude I never feel great. I always work on staying in the pocket and respond w kindness. It’s simply the way
Great advice. I was in this predicament today and I almost said thanks, but i didn't want my tone to be off so i chose to say nothing.
Always so good. Thank you. I’m currently needing help to find my kind loving words as I am having vile false claims made against me. I feel slimed and so disappointed in these people and that I didn’t listen to my doubts.
It's difficult to continue to be mindful when those around you are being spiteful. It helps to remember that how you respond is about YOU and the person you are. How they behave is about them.
Yeah I got one of those a few guys on my team. Been working twice as long as him, I just let him think he’s right… he’s not a bad dude, but some of the things he’s telling me is just contrary to our industry and my experience.
This was hard to hear because I want to go awfff on my bossy coworker but she is 20 years older than me and you’re right it wouldn’t serve me well. Also she embarrasses herself anyway because she’s wrong sometimes ha! I’m going to use the “I’ll take that under consideration” and “thanks for sharing” route. Help me Jesus! Whew!
I love this, I have always thought that the communication is a reflection of the person saying it. Thank you so much for these beautiful videos! I have passed them along. You may have already done a video about taking to family, (as opposed to colleagues at work) but if not, that may be another good video idea for you. I work for myself, so I do not have colleagues, but this advise is perfect for any situation. 🙏🙏🙏
I have a few on talking to family--especially difficult people at holiday time. You'll find them right here, on my channel :)
This is good advice but it doesn't stop the problem going forward.
Perhaps not, but repetition will.
Here's one: Many years ago I was to review a contract written by an "equivalent" co-worker. The scope of work started with "TD&I equipment and...." Being a grammar nerd I disliked the initials in the beginning of a sentence. Also, I did not know what those initials meant. I went to his cubical and asked him what TD&I means. He loudly responded "You don't know that means Tear down and inspect?" Surely, he felt as though he scored on me. I told him I did not, that is why I asked. Seconds later I WISHED WITH ALL BEING that I had said: No, I don't. My prior experience was with multi-million dollar research contracts, not small dollar repair orders, a*****e!
I may never run into a situation like this again, but someone else may. What would have been a better way to handle it?
That wish was your ego speaking, Celeste. You responded honestly. The only thing you MIGHT have added is "Charlie, that's the problem with using initials that you don't identify. Writing out the words would remove all doubt." However, I think you handled it well, and now should let it go. If he yelled out his answer, he wanted to score, but you know you're not in a game. Let him play without you.
Thanks for putting this into perspective for me.
Acronyms are not always a good idea…good for you to ask for clarification
Had this one girl in my last place that really got under my skin. We where working "together on a task", but I misheard when I agreed to do a section on a sheet. Then she had the audacity to blert out so my actual boss could here "stick with he task I assigned to you". I felt like saying, my boss is on the otherside of the table thank you, it was a simple mishearing of what I agreed to. I am happy to admit to a mistake, but the way it was handled made it feel ten times worse than it was. Had a few co-workers in my last place which were like this.
Thanks Dan for another great piece of advice. This really came in at the exact time I needed to hear.
Glad it was helpful, Shashi K. G.
This was the kind of advice I was exactly looking for. Thank you.
Such a good video about being gracious.
Thanks, Chris.
"start speaking loving words" is worth a million dollars.
Great video! I get the idea to focus on myself.
Yep :)
Ok, wait. What about micromanaging? That’s what I had in mind. What do we do to face that?
Whoo whee! The bossy pants you portrayed in your first skit is the reason why I'm self employed... 😆😆 I can't with those people, so I don't... 😂😂 I love your videos! Your advice is such a huge help and blessing! Kudos and props to you and all you do! 👏👏
Some of us work alone, kimsteel366, but so many many others can't do that, for so many many reasons :)
You are a true blessing to others and you explain things really well!!! 💯
Thank you Bags inTheReal.
Yeah, I agree with you. I have to handle my situation professionally and not with an ego, but it's been kinda hard to swallow that I have this new employment that I'm really excited about and now I have the employer son playing games with me which I did not sign up for family issues. I guess this will be a test for me. I've been really respectful and a lot of thank you trying to win over my employees at the same time I don't intend on letting them walk over me, including the son.
I agree. You can protect your boundaries and do your job without letting anyone walk all over you.
Such great advice, and a reminder to speak living words! Can’t wait for the holiday series:)
Coming soon, to a holiday RUclips channel near you, Vic.
you almost made me cry..... I loved it
..spread love!!!💕💞💓
I will spread love--and you too monicas.
HELLOOOO! I am so happy that I found your channel, you're amazing!
Thank you so much Tania.
Here's one for you, and this happens far too often, everyone I know has accidentally done this, so I know I'm not the only one. At work, we communicate on the employer-given chat messenger, and I accidentally said something in the group meeting chat about someone else on my team who happens to be one of these toxic people. She confronted me in the typical "you have something to say, say it to my face" and I did not back down, I sincerely apologized and explained my view on what I was disagreeing with, and eventually she stopped responding. My accidental comment was that I wish she'd realize she's not a manager anymore and stop trying to control everything, or step down out of our position. Nothing super personal, but not good, either. Granted, I don't care for this employee, but I feel badly for hurting her feelings.... but stirring things up with a toxic person who is friends with other toxic office bullies, ugh, not a happy day at all, I'm having a hard time moving on. Any words on this topic would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for your videos, they are always helpful!
Chickens Don't Surf. OK, this difficult woman saw something that was not intended for her eyes. She wanted to "confront" you. Lots of that going around. Please know that what you said was certainly not personal, not name-calling, not childish, not unprofessional. It is also something you don't want to put on a group chat. As a matter of fact, I would be leery of putting ANYTHING on a group chat, other than such things as times and dates. Way too easy to cause problems when you're talking to a "group" calling itself an employee chat group. Employees shouldn't be "chatting"in the first place. Having said all that--Yes, if you have something to say about this person, you should have said it TO this person. However now it's over; you've apologized (hopefully not for what you said, but for not having said it directly to her). PUT A PIN IN IT. Let this woman be angry and even vindictive and gossipy with her other toxic friends. You are at work to do a job. Focus on that. Evict this woman from your head; she's not paying rent; she shouldn't be there. Now this woman knows that you think she shouldn't be attempting to manage others. That's the truth. That's what you think. Now she knows. I doubt that you hurt her feelings; she's probably upset that you've criticized her. Being upset or angry is different from having hurt feelings. Go about your business and remind yourself that if she can't let it go, that's about her. You should be big enough to let it go. Also remember, you go to an office to work, not to make friends. Period.
Yes, it was not appropriate for group chat, but you were not abusive, but straightforward. More good likely came from your comment than bad - being that her behavior was confronted in front of others, she will likely be more mindful of her behavior at work, which could save other employees from the stress that behavior can cause.
Thank you Dan! I’m managing an older “nit picker” and this really helped me
Glad it helped!
Thank you this video helped me a lot I've been dealing with a bossy coworker. It will implement this I want to be a loving person
Amazing Dan O Connor!
Thank you, Alicia Torres :)
I wouldn’t usually suggest escalating the problem unless it’s affecting productivity or wellbeing, but sometimes it might be helpful to suggest meeting with a manager to clarify your roles. One time a friend of mine had this coworker who kept bossing her around, but it turns out that management was vague about each person’s responsibilities, which led to preventable confusion and frustration. The coworker thought she was supposed to be managing my friend, or in charge of a certain aspect of the project.
I have one like this. Everything has an insult buried into it.
It's always a shouting match at my place. No joke. No one is accountable for anything , even with 10 write ups or HR complaints.
Ok, this might be off topic for this video but you're my go-to for communications issues. I had a customer in the car the other day. I told her that I was going to school for accounting and that school was being paid for by my employer. She starts out by asking me where does the money come from. I said I don't know. She says well if you want to be an accountant then you need to know where the money comes from. I told her honestly, I'm not that far in my classes yet. She keeps pushing the topic that you should be able to figure it out if you want to be an accountant. I said not sure, and honestly I don't care as long as the classes are being paid for. This enrages her and she goes off on a tangent about how she's a business owner and she knows where every dime comes from and where every dime goes and that I need to be as diligent as her when it comes to money. Luckily, I made it to the destination and she left the vehicle. I can't stop thinking about this lady and why she insisted on making me so uncomfortable.
I think I can solve the mystery of why she insisted on making you so uncomfortable. She was showing off. She was demonstrating how smart she is. Forget it TCBT. Here's the deal. She's really not that smart.
No accountant on earth would know where the money came from that is paying for your school unless he/she happened to be the accountant for your employer. I presume that if you are in school, you are not yet the accountant for your employer. How could you POSSIBLY know about your employer's finances or income streams unless you held a financial position within the company? Regardless of your level of accounting education, you would not know the financial particulars of any company unless you were told those particulars. You don't learn in school where Joe's Grocery Store gets its money-- you learn that if you are Joe's accountant or his business partner or his spouse or all of the above. Now I hope you can stop thinking about this insecure woman who has to try to convince people she is smart because she's not so sure herself.
I really needed this ❤
Excellent advice! Thank you.
You are so welcome, K K.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I am currently facing this and it's been a cycle which has got to stop. You got a new sibscriber
I love you 🙌. Thank you for this. Glad your vid is the first one that came to me to guide me. I couldn't have asked for better guidance than this.
You're so welcome, Kim.
Hello Dan,
Great stuff - you’re the best!
Thanks, Jerzy!
i came up with words bc i can’t stand this it makes me sleepless these toxic people so i say « actually i’m good! i’ve got this but thank you for trying to help«
In technology, the rookies often know more about specifics of specifics than the senior people. The difference is that senior people (should) have more judgement and wisdom. Strategy vs Tactics. A good engineer will listen to anyone, but looks for receipts and uses their own judgement to validate the input.
Great video! The Holiday video sounds interesting can't wait to watch it.
Stay tuned llrga.
Absolutely brilliant video - very well timed. Pandemic has forced me to take team member jobs when usually i was team lead - I've heard myself slipping into auto reflex (guided suggestions to change colleagues tasking format) #SelfCringe
Thankyou Dan
You're amazing
Thanks much Pocket MinxUK.
I'm dealing with this now but with a whole new co workers whos also had made mistakes
Any directive given to me outside of management is automatically disregarded PERIODT! If I'm goofing up I'm usually aware and grateful for feedback. What we're not about to do, is act like you are my direct supervisor when we have the same job and management hasn't said anything to me 😂
Totally agree, Andrew. Some people just need a little help doing what you described.