@toganium4175 @strawberry_cubes Back in the day (like as late as the latter part of the 1800s and sporadically even later) there was an actual "scientific" reasoning that trauma could impact babies in much more exaggerated ways than we now know, and also in superstitionally just silly ways. The man called "The Elephant Man", Joseph Merrick, had a very real disorder, yet many people, even doctors, accepted his mother's claims that she "was kicked by an elephant while she was pregnant" as the cause for his unsual appearance. Freaks is wonderful, and very modern for its time.
i first watched I Saw the TV Glow while living in a homeless shelter with people i didn’t know in an area i was unfamiliar with. i had *just* gotten top surgery, and that was the final piece of my transition, my life, **me**, that really fell into place. fuck, i was living with cis men and i wasn’t even a year on HRT. it was a surreal experience, hearing Maddie recite lines i’d said myself a million times. “i’m going to die here.” it haunts me even now. some people write stories, some essays (which is fine), but at the three month mark of *my* HRT journey, i got on a plane and flew to a strange city to live with someone i’d never met before, carrying only what i could fit in a suitcase and backpack. my mom had found out i was on testosterone. i needed to leave. if i didn’t, i was going to die. not because she would kill me, but because that’s what it felt like when she took it from me. dying. that’s what it felt like when she cradled my face after screaming at me for hours, and told me that i looked more like her daughter then than i ever had. and then Maddie’s monologue. if i had the space on my skin i’d tattoo every word myself. the friend who forced me to watch I Saw the TV Glow is a younger, pre transition transmasc that i met over Discord. when we talked about it after i watched, he said he related to Owen. understandably. and i suppose i would’ve, at some point. but i relate to Maddie. i relate because i did what i had to, i paid some burnout kid to bury me alive and even while watching the movie i was underground. i still have dirt under my nails. it was terrifying. it was suffocating. i lost parts of myself in the fight to live for the first time, but it isn’t the coffin i have nightmares about, it’s the home i was raised in. i mean, i was watching the movie in a homeless shelter. i was homeless because i am trans. i was recovering from a major surgery on my own, suffering from complications on my own, but honestly? i still visit. being homeless was bad, but nothing will ever be worse than having my heart in someone’s refrigerator, choking on vomit and dirt while pretending it’s childhood and family. i was a beautiful girl. a part of me didn’t want to lose that. but after breathing fresh air for the first time (trying masculine clothes and a binder), i couldn’t deny myself the right to breathe.
i really can't understate how much i appreciate your perspective on this, beautifully put. while not to the same extent, i can absolutely relate to the suffocation and that sense that if something doesn't change soon, i was going to die. after the family i was living with found i was trans, it was like i was living in the same space but i was pushed away from the others i was sharing it with. spending hours in that dimly lit, musty, cramped room on the second floor, writing videos trying to get away from it all. i was fortunate enough to have other family who took me in, and now i live with my best friend, but sometimes i still second guess myself, wondering if i "made the right choice", but then i remember that room on the second floor and i realize how i could never go back to that life.
Stories like this make me ugly cry. I’m so, so happy you managed the journey, that you get to live free now. I’m so, overwhelmingly sad for those who are too scared to make the trip or who haven’t realized. Keep sharing. Others need to see success stories. And bless you ❤🏳️⚧️
Holy shit! Your commentary on the dad asking, “Isn’t that a show for girls,” just hit me SO hard, because it made me realize that it’s not the question that is terrifying or telling, it’s the IMMEDIATE feeling of getting caught in something. That feeling of, “Oh shit my mask dropped!” I mean every time I was asked that as a kid (I came out at 46) just triggered a huge overreaction on my part. You just blew my freaking mind.
I think it was a tweet about that former Bachelorette contestant who said “haha I was joking I’m not actually trans, I pretended to be trans to own the libs” it was either that or some other famous person admitting to having egg-like thoughts about gender and all the comments were queer and trans ppl saying “there is still time” and I absolutely love that this film has made that a trans-coded slogan.
I thought Owen was seeing the Pink Opaque (her real life) inside her, not static. Especially because she seemed to have this overwhelming sense of relief for just a moment like she couldn't believe what she was seeing.
I think even as a late transitioner, I saw the tv glow can still hit. I am 8 years into my transition and I'm not where I wanna be. I don't have the body I wish I had. I still live a life on the sidelines. And sure I live a life that's more authentic. I also hide away in my home more than I ever have these days and especially more than in early transition in which I did the least. I gave myself that agency 8 years ago and all it's really meant is I don't really have any armor anymore to protect me from my own failures. I gave myself the keys to my own life and it turns out I went and crashed it into a ditch somewhere. And I've been scared to admit that for a long time. I've been scared to admit that I often forget my shot, scared to admit that transition didn't fix a lot of things actually, and scared someone will ask me, "So does that mean it actually wasn't right for you?" If I think back to the horror of those early realizations. Coming out, of contemplating attemtping something so big and overwhelming, wondering who I would loose if I told them. I think another one was can I even do this? Am _I_ even capable of it in a way that I could be satisfied with? I guess I don't know the answer to that yet. I feel like one of the worst things I could have imagined then did wind up happening to me but I'm still here. And there is still time. I don't think I'm the only trans person going through this, so I wanted to share it for the girlies who can relate. And for the people who are just now exploring themselves and are kinda intimidated by it. You're stronger than you think. And you can survive more than you'd believe. Even if you're scared, give it a shot, do it scared. I don't regret trying or failing and You get to decide when you're done. There is still time.
trans guy here. sending love ❤ there are so many facets to life; just because there are still hardships, doesn't mean you should doubt yourself. transition comes with many difficulties for us in this society, and so does the rest of this life. it's okay to have messy feelings. we're all squishy humans with so many different parts. you should be kind to yourself. a lesson i've learned from my trans identity and life in general, is our incredible ability to change. even when it feels like you're stagnating, it's not over. incredible things can happen before you've even realized it. i believe in you ❤
Tysm for sharing something so personal because as a trans guy I can relate. I’m not visibly trans in any way, and I haven’t had any gender affirming care, but I still feel disgusted by myself even asking fellow trans people about my identity. But I know definitively that I am a man. What a lot of transphobes fail to realize is that’s it not access to gender affirming care that makes people have regrets about their transition, it’s the transphobia that does that. They make us ashamed of ourselves, they make our life a living hell, and then they’re surprised when we get scared, when we doubt if we’re ready, because they make transitioning into this revolutionary thing. They force us to fight for our right to exist, when really all we want is to chase our joy.
I saw the TV glow brought me back to when I was 12 and cut my hair short for the first time, I remember the discomfort I felt with knowing that, though short, it was still a girls haircut. Then I remember being 14 and cutting my hair on my own using a razor blade, I remember looking at myself and thinking “Viktor” and then I remember just a few minutes later hearing my mom call “Victoria” and freaking out because I knew what her inevitable reaction was gonna be. A few weeks later my friend asked me to cut his hair too, we got permission from his mom and I’m not a hairstylist so it looked pretty bad, but he was so happy about having short hair that it didn’t matter how bad it looked, that happiness was short lived though bc two days later he got bullied for it at school. Then I turned 15 and kept my short hair but started dressing like a girl, and that was it for a while really. I told people to call me whatever pronouns they wanted and whatever name they wanted to call me, like, I erased my identity as a trans man because it was so painful to be one but it was much scarier to be a girl again so I preferred to be nothing at all. Then I watched this movie a few months before turning 16, a little before starting high school, and I sobbed for hours because I am a boy but decided I’d pretend to be a girl to fit in at school. I remember my first week of high school I went to a party and my now bf told me “hey, ___ likes to go by she/her pronouns, so it’d make her happy if you called her that” and I remember looking at him and going “me too” and he was confused so I went “I’m a boy” and I remember feeling so stupid calling myself a boy while wearing a skirt and makeup but he was so chill about it that it didn’t matter. I remember the girl’s eyes lit up when I called her she for the first time and I remember feeling so much joy in that moment. So honestly, I’ll never every come out to my family, I probably won’t get top surgery even though I want it more than anything, I’ll never go on t, I’ll be trapped here forever, but if I stick to other trans people I know I will be okay. This movie is probably the only reason I accepted who I am.
I saw the TV glow is my favorite movie of the year and more than anything, I agree with the "there is still time" message to a fundamental level. Whenever I hear trans people lament having lost out on years of their life (often childhood) as their true gender, that "lost time dysphoria" as I sometimes hear it called, I want to grab them by the shoulders and shake them until they internalize how much it _doesn't matter_ . It doesn't matter how valid the hurt is, there's _nothing to gain_ from wasting even more time lamenting the past, instead of taking on the present and future. Paralyzing yourself from getting what you want because you're not getting it the way you wished you had will just turn into a vicious cycle. The inertia of lament is a powerful trap that _must_ be sliced clean off.
Maybe this is misguided, but I would also think that cis women can relate to body horror, and that feeling of your body working against you, due to the beauty standards pressured upon us. You talk about your experiences with body hair as a trans woman, and I as a POC cis woman really felt a connection with your response to it. It's as if, irregardless of biology, the body works against us. I had hair on my entire body from an extremely young age, a lot of women do. Hair is just one thing too- don't even get me started on fat or muscle or fashion or diets. I think cis women can feel the same familiarity towards body horror. This isn't to discount your experiences of course! Moreso just to add my own!
Trans experiences are human experiences. They're just amplified theough a certain set of lenses, and most of those aren't lenses that apply exclusively to trans people only. We're all refracting. Better for everyone to have a wider range of reference points.
Anyone can relate to body horror, cis or trans, man or woman. There's no one experience that's exclusive to a select group of people, I think. You aren't misguided at all.
Imma be honest, the not wearing shorts thing was not even something I realized I did. Same with not wanting my picture taken. And anytime someone would ask me why, I would just answer "I don't know, I just dont like it". Hells, I wore hoodies every single day even in summer and I slouched so my shoulders wouldnt be so wide, and the reason why was something I only realised in hindsight. Ive been out for 2 years, gonna hopefully start HRT soon and I am probably the most self-fulfilled ive ever been in my life. All throughout my teenage years I felt a disconnect from everyone else, I looked around and didn't see myself in those kids that were supposed to be just like me. Took me a while and some good friends to finally figure it out. There's still time.
The last 10 minutes of the film just made me incredibly sad… I often feel like I transitioned too late (I started hrt at 21) but that’s not true, I shouldn’t take the time I have now for granted. I’m lucky to have realized so early and have friends and family who support me, and I am more cognizant of that now.
My wife always sees people on the mtf subreddit saying something like "It's too late for me to transition! I'm SEVENTEEN (or something like that)! My life is over! I'll never be a real woman/man!" It's not that I don't feel sympathy for people who feel that way, but my wife started her transition at 42. By saying "I'll never be a real woman, it's too late", what are they saying about her? I don't really blame them, they're dealing with something that I'll never have to deal with myself, and I know that it's so hard. But there is a less-kind part of me that's thinking "Get over yourself and think about what you're saying about older trans people." (My wife does happen to pass, but that's not super relevant.)
I kinda took Maddie drawing the ghost symbol on Owen’s neck as a form of confession, like saying “When you accept who you are… I wanna be with you”. It just felt so tender to me and felt like asking someone out on a date type of moment. I think Maddie wanted to be with Owen, but Owen wasn’t giving.
Maddie/Tara even when she tells Owen "you know I like girls right?" deep down knew something or had an inkling about Owen. She's much more awake to it all because she escapes and comes out and leaves home young.
When I saw this movie for the first time I was out (ftm) for about seven months. Before I came out, I had told a friend I felt like I was suffiocating, that I felt like a background character in my own life. When I saw this movie I felt so seen, and felt so much dread and terror at seeing the path that I almost took. This is my favorite movie.
fuccckkk but is that relatable. Like going through the motions just because that’s what you’re supposed to do. Like your emotions are faded colors and you’re not really feeling them.
The director also directed 'We're all going to the worlds fair' which similarly explores gender and puberty, but through the lense of creepypastas and unfiction. It reminds me of being an undiagnosed child who didn't understand the concept of an ARG and thought things like sonic exe were real, and of the extreme version of that, the irl slenderman assault.
Which funnily enough schoenbrun before that directed A Self-Induced Hallucination which is a documentary composed of archival footage from RUclips about the slenderman stabbing case - if you haven’t seen it already the entire thing is on RUclips, highly recommend. It’s also even more interesting in hindsight because Jane schoenbrun hadn’t realized they were trans yet at the time of making it
i love the director of both, they do great work:} i’m both trans and i have severe mental health issues and the representation is good, although i dont speak for everyone
Thank you for sharing your art!! The not wearing shorts thing, I felt that so hard. Took me until I was like 21 to shave my legs. I’m 25 now and have been on HRT for about 2 years, and I’ve never been in a better place. There’s still time.
I remember like stealing moms razor cuz she would not let me shave and then i would need to wear shorts around her so she wouldn't see it was shaved pffft
honestly i love the use of color throughout the film. There are so many scenes that use pink and blue to convey an internal struggle between gender identity
this movie was the start of myself exploring my identity. It gave me a sense of existential dread I couldn't shake. I still don't know what I am, but it got me to try on makeup, which I had never done before. I went to a drag show and it was so fun. I Saw the TV Glow is my movie of the year, even if it made me confront the fears of what's inside.
This movie also gave me existential dread I couldn't shake! But I'm already out as a nonbinary person (and I was still recovering from a vitrectomy, so I didn't want another surgery that soon, plus I don't think I really have an interest in HRT?), so it just made me go "????" and feel anxious?
Autogynophilic is _not_ what Jame Gumb (Buffalo Bill) was in the original novel. That line? "I'd fuck me so hard" -- nowhere to be seen. He cares about being "beautiful," sure, but beauty isn't about sex for him -- it's about affection. The affection his mother never gave him and so, in his volitile state of unending abandonment and trauma, he seeks to be reunited with his mother by becoming her. Jame earnestly beileves he is a transwoman and, though he is wrong in this, it would ironically still have saved the lives of several innocent women if someone had at least humored his fantasies and gotten to the bottom of his problems to bring him effective treatment that way. The movie iteration was very obiously exaggerated and dehumanized to prey on the public's transphobia. Whereas you could almost pity Jame in the novel.
If someone believes they're trans/not their AGAB, how can they be wrong about that? (Unless they try transitioning and are one of the few people who realizes they were cis all along, I guess?) Anyway Thomas Harris didn't know how to handle queer/trans or dysphoric characters (see also his treatment of Margot Verger), and my Amateur Lepidopterist Daughter deserved so much better.
I am not trans, yet this movie hit on so many things i experienced in queerness and as a young boy. Gender expectations are what screw us all up as kids. I felt a pit in my stomach when the dad asked "isnt that a girls show?" because my mom said the same thing to me. The idea of take such a big leap of faith to finally live your life the way you were meant to and the fear behind that is so real to me. and in fact my leap of faith (revealing my sexuality) literally lost me all my friends and worsened the way my mom treated me. Ive worked with phobic/sexist idiots who talked about wether or not i was sexualiy active with women and how that informed my value as a person. finally living a life where i love the people, things, and yes even tv shows that i love with no fear or judgement didnt happen until my 30s. I quess what im trying to say is that my empathy for what Trans people are currently going through comes from the fact that I also had to see the TV glow at some point.I think everyone does in some sense.
In my reading of the film, the most terrifying aspect of it for me was Mr. Melancholy, who I interpreted as symbolizing society at large-its malevolence and hostility and desire to break you and force you to conform despite what you know is best for yourself. What an amazing film, and a great analysis of it.
I saw this movie at an indie movie theater in downtown Asheville back in June. I'm a cis guy....but my god, did it devastate me. The entire movie is gorgeous and such a fascinating world that sucks you in entirely. But the final few scenes.....good lord. I've never once cried, at a movie, in a theater. Until this one. My heart was ripped out. But it's weird how there's this undercurrent of hope TOO. This call to action.... Don't let yourself waste away. Take hold of your life and BE. No matter what. You'll never regret that.
my experience watching i saw the tv glow "oh owen has tgirl energy" "wouldnt it be funny if owen turned out to be a woman" "she should get estrogen" "she's definitely a woman" * when matti came back * "oh i guess not... bummer" "wait... maybe" "oh my god is she right or not, I don't know" "oh yeah owen's definitely a woman" * when owen tackled her on the football field * "OWEN NOOOOO GIRL DONT DO THIS" "PLEASE start estrogen" "nooo" "oh my god." "girl please,,, its not too late" "STOP APOLOGIZING"
When I was young, my dad always forced us to shave our heads. I hated it. I cried every time. When I was in 6th/7th grade I remember waiting for the morning school bus thinking to myself "that I was born in the wrong body" but the one I had came with advantages, like not getting harrased for just existing and being able to pee standing up. Even out with friends I would be laughing and having fun and a cloud would come over me immediately taking all my joy. Later I realized this was depression. Back in 9th grade. When I got out of highschool I made a promise to myself to become more "me." To be myself. To not hide who I was. I wore what I wanted, acted how I wanted, did what i wanted, but I was in the military so what I could do was limited. My depression got worse, and the feeling I was born in the wrong body always stayed. I later found out I had been raped when I was in 5th grade. I chalked everything up to that. The depression, the reluctantance to show skin, my unwillingness to change for gym in the men's locker room, me wearing hoodies well after it got to hot for them. I always assumed it was cause I was fat. Then I realized what it all was. What it all had been. Always had been. Growing up, people had always "misgendered" me. Even when my head was shaved. It never bothered me. I never corrected them. I never saw the problem. And only this past year or so have I realized why.
this was a really good video. I Saw The TV Glow was really impactful for me as well. It perfectly captures the day to day misery of trying to force yourself to go through the motions of being in the wrong body. I particularly liked how the film framed the terror of going through puberty and discussing sexuality too. The lines about feeling like your insides are scooped out, the framing of the quiet sadness you feel when the boys talk about girls and give you a look expecting you to join in, the desperate need to feel like something is good about your body as it slowly starts to turn against you so you start turning to the grown men, who are only there for the grainy photos of your ribcage, etc. are all portrayed so viscerally in the film and it really spoke to my experiences. I'm unfortunately still closeted, but it's nice seeing films with such explicit theming becoming popular. I think it shows a growing acceptance of trans people, however small, which gives me hope for the future, both for myself and others. Loved the analysis, great work!
Got me tearing up 😭 I never knew about I Saw the TV Glow and omfg your explanation of it and conclusion are the most accurate things ever. I’m a transguy and I feel like that’s what I do; don’t stand out and just get by. I’m not at all how I’d like to be and haven’t tried hard to get anything to change because it’s so overwhelming and terrifying; it’s what I want and dream for so much but the process to be truly happy over just fine is so difficult.
I am Owen, I can’t come out, not right now, and I do feel scared and I feel like it’s better to conform. I have something nice, a house, with a lot of problems yeah but a nice house, with food, I have a family, it’s easy, going outside completely alone is so scary, so I do think about just conforming, but I owe my life to this movie, every time I think about conforming I think about this movie, it reminds me that if I do, I’m going to die. I can’t come out, but once I finally can, I will, is so frightening, but I’m not going to let myself die, I’m going to bury myself, is going to be scary, difficult and an isolated experience, is not going to be pretty, but I will do it
8:00 as a trans man after hearing you mention the sexual fantasy part, I recently was accused of such a thing!!!! except...Im ftm...it made me infuriated, but, hearing this isnt just something only I was accused of it pleased me in knowing Im not alone!
22:19 you know a neat detail is how the lighting casts a shadow right in the middle of owen's chest.. and a few minutes ago it's mentioned how isabel got her heart ripped out of her.. and considering how the midnight realm is depicted in snowglobe to be like the first scene of owen watching the show.. i would bet the shadow was intentional
When I watched I Saw the TV Glow, I didn't get it, I took it as a lost childhood and losing yourself to time, but you have made me understand what I couldn't see. I have never felt so seen by a video, so heard? I'm crying right now, amazing work.
I remember the first time I heard about the tv glowing. My response was literally "I don’t get the TV glowing thing the internet is doing right now. TVs are supposed glow, thats the point" and upon being told it was a trans thing, I said "I thought they were talking about literal TVs"
;^; when you brought leg hair, is was fully the same for me. i ended up getting heat stroke a non insignificant amount, because i refused to wear anything that didnt cover them. i knew it was the hair but i always told everyone else i didnt like how pale they were. i never tried to shave my legs until i was 24 though. saw my older brother get chewed out because my little sisters waxxed his legs for fun and he went with it... for a few years, i couldnt even wash my legs directly because the feeling of wet hair on them made me sick to my stomach im so happy you were able to go through with shaving earlier than me goldy!! like not in a jealousy/envy way either! it can be so hard to cut through the brain blocks no matter how much you know what the issue is. im glad your wife is so supportive too!!❤
I watch the TV glow hit me especially hard as someone who's not sure if they ever wanna transition. I feel I'm not "trans enough" to warrant being under all that social, medical, and financial pressure of transitioning. It doesn't feel worth it. But I know if I don't I'll end up just like the end of that movie.
15:04 this is not about the essay at all but the detail of Aigis causing sparks to fly up when she ragdolls across the floor because she’s a robot is really good I don’t think I can ever watch this movie - it’s one of those things that I feel like I’ve had spoiled too much by the internet (and long before this video) - but I’m grateful it exists, even if it illustrates a deep fear of mine.
listen i think this is a wonderful video essay but i do have to say that Mary Shelly's frankenstein in the books does NOT involve two men making the monster. Its just frankenstein the doctor trying to play god. but he DOES have a really weird fixation about 'making the perfect man' but then being apalled at the thing hes made which could be a queer reading of its own i think
It's kind of a fascinating magic trick in the movie that by never explicitly stating it's about being trans but also unmistakably being about a trans experience, it helps bridge understanding for a lot of people. Everyone has their own struggles with "who am I?" and "is there something wrong with me?" And confronting those feelings and thoughts is scary no matter what. But for too many people, it's the gender aspect that becomes this live wire that makes them ignore the commonalities to focus on the otherness.
I'd also made the comment on another video on the movie about how having the Dad character have ONLY that one line and then basically a distant, silent, judging figure is an amazing choice. Too many stories go overboard in making that kind of figure EXPLICITLY antagonistic to the point of overtly hateful. But this gives a lot of people an out because THEY don't act like that. By leaving it ambiguous as to HOW bad his reaction might be, it preserves the kind of real life dread Queer people can face. And the cis people viewing this can't cleanly separate themselves from the dad.
I’m a bit late to this video, but I am currently working on a comparative study for my film class about trans identity in horror, and video was greatly helpful in writing my paper. Thank you! :-)
At 17:18 - Don't be calling me out like that. (I consider myself aro / ace but... at least _part_ of the issue is, indeed, that "the idea of having sex while being perceived as a man [is] difficult, frightening, and dysphoria-causing". I think I'm still aro / ace as a woman but, well, I'm still early in my transition and we haven't _really_ tested that hypothesis.)
At 19:40 - This was on my list of reasons to transition. Even if they don't see me as a woman, I figure it's a way to other myself for those kind of men. They won't think I'm one of them.
I love this video and it’s message, it’s really cool :> Also I read through the comment at 8:42 and I wish it was here because there are so many things I wish I could correct them on, and actually give them constructive criticism on it, because I feel like people are much more likely to change their views if they aren’t just shouted/not given actual constructive criticism. Sorry if that’s not relevant/you don’t want to read it Your video is rlly cool :>
oh i've read through that comment a few times and what sucks is, i feel they were on the cusp of not being hateful, but then it kinda devolved into made up talking points. i would've loved to refute their points and try to make a difference, but the way i see it a lot of the time interacting at all just isn't worth it in the end. what's funny is i received that comment while i was at work and i'm like "damn i'm making more money reading this comment than they ever will make posting it"
As a transman it makes me so horrified when I get seen as “one of the guys,” like it’s gender affirming but I don’t get how alotta guys see minorities.
Well written and well presented. Great content. I don't normally comment, but you deserve more attention from the algo gods. I honestly thought this was a "big" channel and i was curious how I hadn't come across it before, then I saw that this a smaller channel somehow! Hope it gets more attention, the quality is very good.
one scene that really got me in i saw the tv glow is the first time you see mr melancholy up close, seeing what looks like flesh constantly decaying and reforming, it reminded me immensely of how i felt about my own body before hrt, that i was in little more than a flesh prison that was constantly betraying me as i just had to pretend it was normal
Not too sure if anyone noticed this but in the "theres still time" the second L in still is slanted and i cant help but think thats on purpose i looked up what it could mean and it said things like in math it could be a less than sign, a slanted L means stigma or summation, and one said in algebra it means infinity and i think thats nice just wanted to see if anyone else thought of that
I haven’t seen this movie, only heard about it. This video and reading through some of the comments has made me cry. For the longest time, I thought my fascination with body horror had to do with my disability. I never connected that it might be my gender. I will be watching this movie now.
As someone who knew I was disabled at a way earlier age than I knew I was trans/nonbinary, I think it can be about both. Of course, I have a hard time untangling the two experiences (being trans and being disabled) sometimes. IMHO being trans, and being chronically ill or neurodivergent, have some similarities as experiences. Especially in terms of how ableism and transphobia both seem to function. (Also, I think some aspects of growing up autistic/chronically ill affected my gender identity development in some ways, personally.)
I’m still young, and I know I’ve got years of questioning to go, but I remember getting my first ‘pixie cut’ (it was short as hell) and thinking about my identity for the first time. It’s been 4 years since then, I’ve only got 5 more until I’m legally allowed to do anything. I’m so, so thankful that I have the ability to make myself look androgynous/leaning masc. We’re gonna skip over the fact I wanted to be called Alex since I could literally read cough cough
the way i started fucking BALLING my eyes out during the end of this video, thanks for making this girlie, this movie sounds fucking great. "There is still time." YEOUCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
When you brought up robin in enies lobby i genuinely stumbled because i was standing up from the intense feeling of connectedness i had to her. Shes always been my favorite and i think you putting words to this video helped me figure out why
as a lesbian i really resonated with maddie. there’s something about being a lesbian for me that once i knew that, i knew i wasn’t cis at the same time. i do identify with parts of being a woman, but specifically with being a lesbian woman, who doesn’t fit the standards of femininity that society expects. learning how to accept being nonbinary and embracing it was almost forced upon me when it came to being a lesbian, because they’re so intertwined. i really think that’s what happened with maddie; i felt so seen that she was the one to first break through the nightmare because it’s so much harder to suppress who you love and what you are at the same time. i love that the butch experience and the transfem experience were both treated with so much love and care in this movie.
I only started my hrt journey a little over 2 months ago and watched this movie about halfway through that at the start of October and it broke me (granted I was having probably the worst of the mood swings I’ve had so far lmao I cried for like 3 hours). I just saw and felt so much of myself in Owen. I knew what I wanted for a long time, even when I couldn’t put words to it. I even started hrt research when I was 12, I just didn’t fully understand it then. I would hide under the sheets at 3 in the morning and search stuff on my 3ds because that’s all I could get online with lol. I just did everything I could to repress how I felt for so long, even trying to compromise as just going non-binary for ~3 years and not actually changing anything to be happier. Now I’m done playing into that thought process though, and no matter how scared I am for the future I’m happy I finally realized that there is still time.
Great video! I have a lot of feelings about this movie and I enjoyed your perspective. You had words that I didn’t have. Also at 24:18, I didn’t think that Owen had a real family at all. I thought they meant the characters in Pink Opaque. Owen says that they like TV shows, Maddie says that Isabelle and Tara are like family to her. That and we never see Owen’s family and the only time that they’re mentioned is when Owen is bringing in the new TV.
@@goIdy might have been amalgamated with the scene in the live action scooby doo where shaggy also attempts to take a monsters mask off, and instead warps their real face in really weird ways?
it kinda hit with how I promised myself I would be out in my uni this year (and I partially am) but I keep shoving myself into the closet out of fear, and frankly it makes me feel so awful for days. I'm nonbinary and the fact that I'm cis passing is one thing, the fact that I don't live my truth in words is another and more painful. I get Owen, I lived like that for a while and I don't want to anymore
If possible, I find that 1) having something like a button that says my pronouns to wear or nonverbally signal that I'm not cis, and 2) having a social script/plan for what I'll say about it if I need to (civil/funny ways to correct people when they misgender me, etc), can both help. Unfortunately "coming out" is an ongoing thing once you start doing it (unless you cut off everyone who ever knew you by your AGAB/dead name and go restart somewhere else, which I don't want to do). People who know you and care about you will eventually learn and mostly remember, but if you don't look like a cis person with your given gender (look like a cis man if transmasc, or a cis woman if transfemme), strangers and acquaintances will often need to be reminded very often (or you have to just cope, beyond giving the initial corrections, so you don't have to keep saying it and they don't abruptly flip out).
17:01 I was already curious about the show but as soon as you included the clip of them answering the question, you’ve intrigued me hook line and sinker because suddenly I was wondering with a curious intrigue. Is this character aroace like me too? I’m shocked you even know the term aroace let alone what it means too and it makes me happy to know little by little we’re starting to be known in existence.
I just wanna put here that I had a much more positive interpretation of the ending of I Saw The TV Glow. Maybe it's because I cried 4 times during it relating to it way too much but I saw the ending as being positive. For the first time Isabel is cutting herself open to look at what's inside, we see that in the mirror she smiles, this is the only time she's smiled at her own reflection. I saw the TV static as her first time understanding gender euphoria, a feeling she repressed in the scene where the TV glow was faint while she was at Tara's. Maybe it's because when I first experienced euphoria and understood it, I was 18 and it felt like the sun had burst from my chest, her going back to apologize to everyone who ignore her is very real too, they're ignoring her because she's different.
This interpretation of the final scene is so great, I understood some people found the ending hopeful before but didn't really understand how it really could be until I read your comment.
The ending is Owen's egg cracking shown physically. When you experience that moment in real life it feels like you unlocked some huge big truth of yourself and the universe and it feels so important but then you go out into the world and realize no one cares. You still present as your birth gender and everyone around you still expects you to fulfill your role but you've had this massive breakthrough internally no one can see so it starts to seep out, like a cracked egg until you can no longer hide the fact you're trans then the only thing you can do is transition and be free
Hey so just watched the video. Didn’t watch the actual movie and given that just this analysis absolutely destroyed me I’m kind of glad. Great analysis, genuinely a terrific and genuinely horrifying movie just from what I saw here. May have cried a bit.
off comment but i gotta say this about silence of the lambs since you mentioned it at 7:20, but the only scene that freaked me out was the scene that switched between her in pitch black, very frantically looking for him, while the camera switched to his POV behind her with nightvision. Have no idea why but just that simple scene freaked me out more then any of the gore scenes.
I remember before knowing what trans even was as a kid wanting to create my sim but knowing it would take so long it was bound to be seen by someone so I always ended up managing a whole ass family and never allowed myself to make anyone that I actually wanted to create, just that huge family that kept me busy enough not to think about it
This movie felt like a fever dream but it's damn relatable. An anime character made me realize I'm not straight. I think as a closeted trans media was my only scape. And the movie captured what that felt like. Why can't i be a boy and me in a mans arm?
Its a little scene, but gods does the coworker scene make me uncomfortable because of what you said. Being seen as "one of the guys" as they say horrible things about people like you just makes you feel so much dread. Like you'll be found out any moment. Like your a prey animal surrounded by preditors and its only a matter of time before they realize that.
3:10 as an autistic person with a HUGE hyperfixation on saw (and a general lover of horror) I’m holding back writing a whole ass essay rn…. But to sum it up, I don’t personally think saw is a torture 🌽 series… at least not fully. I’d say it’s more in the gore or splatter genre; There’s WAYYY too much of a story to be a true torture 🌽 series (especially the early films). Movies like Human Centipede *do* have plot, but also not really. There’s wayyy more of a focus on the grossness of it all. It’s hard to explain…. It’s really just a *vibe*. The *vibe* of the cinematography. The *vibe* of how the creators talk about their work…. It’s all a vibe Okay I’m done, if you read all that, thank you for indulging me 😭
yeah you’re absolutely right, lumping saw and the human centipede into that category of film is disingenuous to an extent. i mainly said that for the sake of brevity, but yeah the aesthetics (vibes) of it all really do play a role in how they’re viewed in contrast to films of that genre
I think the body horror of the lunar juice and the scene of being buried alive going insane. It destroyed me. I also want to point out that the only few times we see Owen's "dad" is when he's surpressing her. In fact, he literally pulls her from the TV. Seeing his expression filled me with horror and dread, because I know that look. The look of being outed somehow. There's something about him that fills me with horror and dread.
Literally I’m so glad someone is talking about this movie. Two of my favorite artists play in the soundtrack and this movie looked so fucking perfect in the trailer.
0:23 You're possibly thinking of "Scooby Doo on Zombie Island" that's one of the best Scooby Doo movies imho. It's animated though, so idk if there was another movie that does the same thing
There was no live action Scooby-Doo movie where they decapitate a real zombie. But, there is a direct to vhs animated movie called “Scooby-doo: zombie island” where they do the exact scenario on a zombie
i have no clue why i started this video thinking i’d be fine im fucking bawling. anyways great video!! i love hearing from other trans ppl and this is one of my favourite movies❤
I firmly believe that this movie is Justice Smith's Best Role and Performance. He is absolutely fucking amazing and heartbreaking as Owen and I couldn't stop thinking about his Performance.
8:44 Real shit. This might be too optimistic but I think most social problems in the world would be gone if people just took a second to hear out the people they're against, no matter what it is.
Know it's not exactly relevant to the video, but Zombie Island. The piece of Scooby-Doo media where they go to remove the mask and the entire head comes off and it turns out to be a real zombie is Zombie Island. There's also a sequel to it to but uh... We don't talk about the sequel, no no.
its not a live action movie but im pretty sure the scooby doo movie youre remembering is zombie island one. its animated but the whole premise for the movie was to switch up the scooby doo franchise script so the monsters are just like real zombie or something (cannot remember exactly because i turned it off cus i was scared after they tore off the head) but anyways they tear off a zombies head in that movie but i do not believe they do that in any of the live actions ones (could be wrong tho)
Fun fact: a woman blamed her miscarriage on 1932’s Freaks, which has got to be one of the funniest responses to a movie ever.
You might say she thought the movie was . . . abortive.
@@amanofnoreputation2164Put ur phone down
Imagine a movie being so bad or so offensive that your unborn baby goes “nawwwww I’m out of here”
@toganium4175 @strawberry_cubes Back in the day (like as late as the latter part of the 1800s and sporadically even later) there was an actual "scientific" reasoning that trauma could impact babies in much more exaggerated ways than we now know, and also in superstitionally just silly ways. The man called "The Elephant Man", Joseph Merrick, had a very real disorder, yet many people, even doctors, accepted his mother's claims that she "was kicked by an elephant while she was pregnant" as the cause for his unsual appearance. Freaks is wonderful, and very modern for its time.
i first watched I Saw the TV Glow while living in a homeless shelter with people i didn’t know in an area i was unfamiliar with. i had *just* gotten top surgery, and that was the final piece of my transition, my life, **me**, that really fell into place. fuck, i was living with cis men and i wasn’t even a year on HRT.
it was a surreal experience, hearing Maddie recite lines i’d said myself a million times. “i’m going to die here.” it haunts me even now. some people write stories, some essays (which is fine), but at the three month mark of *my* HRT journey, i got on a plane and flew to a strange city to live with someone i’d never met before, carrying only what i could fit in a suitcase and backpack. my mom had found out i was on testosterone. i needed to leave. if i didn’t, i was going to die. not because she would kill me, but because that’s what it felt like when she took it from me. dying. that’s what it felt like when she cradled my face after screaming at me for hours, and told me that i looked more like her daughter then than i ever had.
and then Maddie’s monologue. if i had the space on my skin i’d tattoo every word myself.
the friend who forced me to watch I Saw the TV Glow is a younger, pre transition transmasc that i met over Discord. when we talked about it after i watched, he said he related to Owen. understandably. and i suppose i would’ve, at some point. but i relate to Maddie. i relate because i did what i had to, i paid some burnout kid to bury me alive and even while watching the movie i was underground. i still have dirt under my nails. it was terrifying. it was suffocating. i lost parts of myself in the fight to live for the first time, but it isn’t the coffin i have nightmares about, it’s the home i was raised in.
i mean, i was watching the movie in a homeless shelter. i was homeless because i am trans. i was recovering from a major surgery on my own, suffering from complications on my own, but honestly? i still visit. being homeless was bad, but nothing will ever be worse than having my heart in someone’s refrigerator, choking on vomit and dirt while pretending it’s childhood and family.
i was a beautiful girl. a part of me didn’t want to lose that. but after breathing fresh air for the first time (trying masculine clothes and a binder), i couldn’t deny myself the right to breathe.
i really can't understate how much i appreciate your perspective on this, beautifully put. while not to the same extent, i can absolutely relate to the suffocation and that sense that if something doesn't change soon, i was going to die. after the family i was living with found i was trans, it was like i was living in the same space but i was pushed away from the others i was sharing it with. spending hours in that dimly lit, musty, cramped room on the second floor, writing videos trying to get away from it all. i was fortunate enough to have other family who took me in, and now i live with my best friend, but sometimes i still second guess myself, wondering if i "made the right choice", but then i remember that room on the second floor and i realize how i could never go back to that life.
Thanks so much for sharing this, and i hope you have many years of being your truest self ahead of you
Stories like this make me ugly cry. I’m so, so happy you managed the journey, that you get to live free now. I’m so, overwhelmingly sad for those who are too scared to make the trip or who haven’t realized.
Keep sharing. Others need to see success stories. And bless you ❤🏳️⚧️
Holy shit! Your commentary on the dad asking, “Isn’t that a show for girls,” just hit me SO hard, because it made me realize that it’s not the question that is terrifying or telling, it’s the IMMEDIATE feeling of getting caught in something. That feeling of, “Oh shit my mask dropped!”
I mean every time I was asked that as a kid (I came out at 46) just triggered a huge overreaction on my part.
You just blew my freaking mind.
I think it was a tweet about that former Bachelorette contestant who said “haha I was joking I’m not actually trans, I pretended to be trans to own the libs” it was either that or some other famous person admitting to having egg-like thoughts about gender and all the comments were queer and trans ppl saying “there is still time” and I absolutely love that this film has made that a trans-coded slogan.
Omg lol
I thought Owen was seeing the Pink Opaque (her real life) inside her, not static. Especially because she seemed to have this overwhelming sense of relief for just a moment like she couldn't believe what she was seeing.
that was my thought with it too
agreed
I think even as a late transitioner, I saw the tv glow can still hit. I am 8 years into my transition and I'm not where I wanna be. I don't have the body I wish I had. I still live a life on the sidelines. And sure I live a life that's more authentic. I also hide away in my home more than I ever have these days and especially more than in early transition in which I did the least. I gave myself that agency 8 years ago and all it's really meant is I don't really have any armor anymore to protect me from my own failures. I gave myself the keys to my own life and it turns out I went and crashed it into a ditch somewhere. And I've been scared to admit that for a long time. I've been scared to admit that I often forget my shot, scared to admit that transition didn't fix a lot of things actually, and scared someone will ask me, "So does that mean it actually wasn't right for you?"
If I think back to the horror of those early realizations. Coming out, of contemplating attemtping something so big and overwhelming, wondering who I would loose if I told them. I think another one was can I even do this? Am _I_ even capable of it in a way that I could be satisfied with? I guess I don't know the answer to that yet. I feel like one of the worst things I could have imagined then did wind up happening to me but I'm still here. And there is still time. I don't think I'm the only trans person going through this, so I wanted to share it for the girlies who can relate. And for the people who are just now exploring themselves and are kinda intimidated by it. You're stronger than you think. And you can survive more than you'd believe. Even if you're scared, give it a shot, do it scared. I don't regret trying or failing and You get to decide when you're done. There is still time.
trans guy here. sending love ❤ there are so many facets to life; just because there are still hardships, doesn't mean you should doubt yourself. transition comes with many difficulties for us in this society, and so does the rest of this life. it's okay to have messy feelings. we're all squishy humans with so many different parts. you should be kind to yourself. a lesson i've learned from my trans identity and life in general, is our incredible ability to change. even when it feels like you're stagnating, it's not over. incredible things can happen before you've even realized it. i believe in you ❤
Tysm for sharing something so personal because as a trans guy I can relate. I’m not visibly trans in any way, and I haven’t had any gender affirming care, but I still feel disgusted by myself even asking fellow trans people about my identity. But I know definitively that I am a man.
What a lot of transphobes fail to realize is that’s it not access to gender affirming care that makes people have regrets about their transition, it’s the transphobia that does that. They make us ashamed of ourselves, they make our life a living hell, and then they’re surprised when we get scared, when we doubt if we’re ready, because they make transitioning into this revolutionary thing. They force us to fight for our right to exist, when really all we want is to chase our joy.
I saw the TV glow brought me back to when I was 12 and cut my hair short for the first time, I remember the discomfort I felt with knowing that, though short, it was still a girls haircut. Then I remember being 14 and cutting my hair on my own using a razor blade, I remember looking at myself and thinking “Viktor” and then I remember just a few minutes later hearing my mom call “Victoria” and freaking out because I knew what her inevitable reaction was gonna be. A few weeks later my friend asked me to cut his hair too, we got permission from his mom and I’m not a hairstylist so it looked pretty bad, but he was so happy about having short hair that it didn’t matter how bad it looked, that happiness was short lived though bc two days later he got bullied for it at school. Then I turned 15 and kept my short hair but started dressing like a girl, and that was it for a while really. I told people to call me whatever pronouns they wanted and whatever name they wanted to call me, like, I erased my identity as a trans man because it was so painful to be one but it was much scarier to be a girl again so I preferred to be nothing at all. Then I watched this movie a few months before turning 16, a little before starting high school, and I sobbed for hours because I am a boy but decided I’d pretend to be a girl to fit in at school. I remember my first week of high school I went to a party and my now bf told me “hey, ___ likes to go by she/her pronouns, so it’d make her happy if you called her that” and I remember looking at him and going “me too” and he was confused so I went “I’m a boy” and I remember feeling so stupid calling myself a boy while wearing a skirt and makeup but he was so chill about it that it didn’t matter. I remember the girl’s eyes lit up when I called her she for the first time and I remember feeling so much joy in that moment. So honestly, I’ll never every come out to my family, I probably won’t get top surgery even though I want it more than anything, I’ll never go on t, I’ll be trapped here forever, but if I stick to other trans people I know I will be okay. This movie is probably the only reason I accepted who I am.
you're not going to die here. you'll get out one day, you'll change to be the things you want to be, you'll be happier
Don't give up hope my man!
You will one day be able to transition I swear!
wish wish...maybe I dont wanna be a femboy but a girl idk anymore...and congrats on having an awesome bf for defending u.
I saw the TV glow is my favorite movie of the year and more than anything, I agree with the "there is still time" message to a fundamental level. Whenever I hear trans people lament having lost out on years of their life (often childhood) as their true gender, that "lost time dysphoria" as I sometimes hear it called, I want to grab them by the shoulders and shake them until they internalize how much it _doesn't matter_ . It doesn't matter how valid the hurt is, there's _nothing to gain_ from wasting even more time lamenting the past, instead of taking on the present and future. Paralyzing yourself from getting what you want because you're not getting it the way you wished you had will just turn into a vicious cycle. The inertia of lament is a powerful trap that _must_ be sliced clean off.
holy shit acclaimed author princessfelicie
@@desertplanet3253 i wish
Holy shit you worded this so perfectly
Would I be too trans to relate this sentiment to hit RPGmaker game In Stars and Time?
woah. chills.
Well said, exactly ❤
Maybe this is misguided, but I would also think that cis women can relate to body horror, and that feeling of your body working against you, due to the beauty standards pressured upon us. You talk about your experiences with body hair as a trans woman, and I as a POC cis woman really felt a connection with your response to it. It's as if, irregardless of biology, the body works against us. I had hair on my entire body from an extremely young age, a lot of women do. Hair is just one thing too- don't even get me started on fat or muscle or fashion or diets. I think cis women can feel the same familiarity towards body horror. This isn't to discount your experiences of course! Moreso just to add my own!
I watched the substance recently and it is this EXACTLY
Trans experiences are human experiences. They're just amplified theough a certain set of lenses, and most of those aren't lenses that apply exclusively to trans people only. We're all refracting. Better for everyone to have a wider range of reference points.
@@rho7754 This is a great take and also my response to people who think that trans- and queer-inclusive feminism is hurting cis women
Anyone can relate to body horror, cis or trans, man or woman. There's no one experience that's exclusive to a select group of people, I think. You aren't misguided at all.
women trying to go five minutes without making the conversation about themselves:
Imma be honest, the not wearing shorts thing was not even something I realized I did. Same with not wanting my picture taken. And anytime someone would ask me why, I would just answer "I don't know, I just dont like it". Hells, I wore hoodies every single day even in summer and I slouched so my shoulders wouldnt be so wide, and the reason why was something I only realised in hindsight. Ive been out for 2 years, gonna hopefully start HRT soon and I am probably the most self-fulfilled ive ever been in my life. All throughout my teenage years I felt a disconnect from everyone else, I looked around and didn't see myself in those kids that were supposed to be just like me. Took me a while and some good friends to finally figure it out.
There's still time.
This made me tear up I’m genuinely so happy for u it’s rlly heartwarming to hear about trans joy
The last 10 minutes of the film just made me incredibly sad… I often feel like I transitioned too late (I started hrt at 21) but that’s not true, I shouldn’t take the time I have now for granted. I’m lucky to have realized so early and have friends and family who support me, and I am more cognizant of that now.
My wife always sees people on the mtf subreddit saying something like "It's too late for me to transition! I'm SEVENTEEN (or something like that)! My life is over! I'll never be a real woman/man!"
It's not that I don't feel sympathy for people who feel that way, but my wife started her transition at 42. By saying "I'll never be a real woman, it's too late", what are they saying about her? I don't really blame them, they're dealing with something that I'll never have to deal with myself, and I know that it's so hard. But there is a less-kind part of me that's thinking "Get over yourself and think about what you're saying about older trans people."
(My wife does happen to pass, but that's not super relevant.)
I kinda took Maddie drawing the ghost symbol on Owen’s neck as a form of confession, like saying “When you accept who you are… I wanna be with you”. It just felt so tender to me and felt like asking someone out on a date type of moment. I think Maddie wanted to be with Owen, but Owen wasn’t giving.
Maddie/Tara even when she tells Owen "you know I like girls right?" deep down knew something or had an inkling about Owen. She's much more awake to it all because she escapes and comes out and leaves home young.
When I saw this movie for the first time I was out (ftm) for about seven months. Before I came out, I had told a friend I felt like I was suffiocating, that I felt like a background character in my own life. When I saw this movie I felt so seen, and felt so much dread and terror at seeing the path that I almost took. This is my favorite movie.
fuccckkk but is that relatable. Like going through the motions just because that’s what you’re supposed to do. Like your emotions are faded colors and you’re not really feeling them.
The director also directed 'We're all going to the worlds fair' which similarly explores gender and puberty, but through the lense of creepypastas and unfiction. It reminds me of being an undiagnosed child who didn't understand the concept of an ARG and thought things like sonic exe were real, and of the extreme version of that, the irl slenderman assault.
Which funnily enough schoenbrun before that directed A Self-Induced Hallucination which is a documentary composed of archival footage from RUclips about the slenderman stabbing case - if you haven’t seen it already the entire thing is on RUclips, highly recommend. It’s also even more interesting in hindsight because Jane schoenbrun hadn’t realized they were trans yet at the time of making it
i love the director of both, they do great work:} i’m both trans and i have severe mental health issues and the representation is good, although i dont speak for everyone
Thank you for sharing your art!! The not wearing shorts thing, I felt that so hard. Took me until I was like 21 to shave my legs. I’m 25 now and have been on HRT for about 2 years, and I’ve never been in a better place.
There’s still time.
I remember like stealing moms razor cuz she would not let me shave and then i would need to wear shorts around her so she wouldn't see it was shaved pffft
15:00 - "no *dad* shes not a girl yet, she is a robot girl! she becomes a girl later in the plot! 🙄"
- 17yo me, probably.
Hey, I'm a robot girl! And I wrote a story about a clockwork girl's journey through time. Very cute. You sound adorable!
ha real
honestly i love the use of color throughout the film. There are so many scenes that use pink and blue to convey an internal struggle between gender identity
this movie was the start of myself exploring my identity. It gave me a sense of existential dread I couldn't shake. I still don't know what I am, but it got me to try on makeup, which I had never done before. I went to a drag show and it was so fun. I Saw the TV Glow is my movie of the year, even if it made me confront the fears of what's inside.
This movie also gave me existential dread I couldn't shake!
But I'm already out as a nonbinary person (and I was still recovering from a vitrectomy, so I didn't want another surgery that soon, plus I don't think I really have an interest in HRT?), so it just made me go "????" and feel anxious?
Autogynophilic is _not_ what Jame Gumb (Buffalo Bill) was in the original novel. That line? "I'd fuck me so hard" -- nowhere to be seen. He cares about being "beautiful," sure, but beauty isn't about sex for him -- it's about affection. The affection his mother never gave him and so, in his volitile state of unending abandonment and trauma, he seeks to be reunited with his mother by becoming her. Jame earnestly beileves he is a transwoman and, though he is wrong in this, it would ironically still have saved the lives of several innocent women if someone had at least humored his fantasies and gotten to the bottom of his problems to bring him effective treatment that way.
The movie iteration was very obiously exaggerated and dehumanized to prey on the public's transphobia. Whereas you could almost pity Jame in the novel.
Although they did straight up say in the film that Jame was not transgender, he was just deranged and projecting himself onto that image
If someone believes they're trans/not their AGAB, how can they be wrong about that? (Unless they try transitioning and are one of the few people who realizes they were cis all along, I guess?)
Anyway Thomas Harris didn't know how to handle queer/trans or dysphoric characters (see also his treatment of Margot Verger), and my Amateur Lepidopterist Daughter deserved so much better.
If he believes he is transgender, and gender is mostly based on one’s internal feelings, then how can you say that he isn’t “really” trans?
I am not trans, yet this movie hit on so many things i experienced in queerness and as a young boy. Gender expectations are what screw us all up as kids. I felt a pit in my stomach when the dad asked "isnt that a girls show?" because my mom said the same thing to me. The idea of take such a big leap of faith to finally live your life the way you were meant to and the fear behind that is so real to me. and in fact my leap of faith (revealing my sexuality) literally lost me all my friends and worsened the way my mom treated me. Ive worked with phobic/sexist idiots who talked about wether or not i was sexualiy active with women and how that informed my value as a person. finally living a life where i love the people, things, and yes even tv shows that i love with no fear or judgement didnt happen until my 30s.
I quess what im trying to say is that my empathy for what Trans people are currently going through comes from the fact that I also had to see the TV glow at some point.I think everyone does in some sense.
In my reading of the film, the most terrifying aspect of it for me was Mr. Melancholy, who I interpreted as symbolizing society at large-its malevolence and hostility and desire to break you and force you to conform despite what you know is best for yourself. What an amazing film, and a great analysis of it.
I saw this movie at an indie movie theater in downtown Asheville back in June.
I'm a cis guy....but my god, did it devastate me.
The entire movie is gorgeous and such a fascinating world that sucks you in entirely.
But the final few scenes.....good lord. I've never once cried, at a movie, in a theater. Until this one. My heart was ripped out. But it's weird how there's this undercurrent of hope TOO. This call to action.... Don't let yourself waste away. Take hold of your life and BE. No matter what. You'll never regret that.
my experience watching i saw the tv glow
"oh owen has tgirl energy"
"wouldnt it be funny if owen turned out to be a woman"
"she should get estrogen"
"she's definitely a woman"
* when matti came back *
"oh i guess not... bummer"
"wait... maybe"
"oh my god is she right or not, I don't know"
"oh yeah owen's definitely a woman"
* when owen tackled her on the football field *
"OWEN NOOOOO GIRL DONT DO THIS"
"PLEASE start estrogen"
"nooo"
"oh my god."
"girl please,,, its not too late"
"STOP APOLOGIZING"
When I was young, my dad always forced us to shave our heads. I hated it. I cried every time. When I was in 6th/7th grade I remember waiting for the morning school bus thinking to myself "that I was born in the wrong body" but the one I had came with advantages, like not getting harrased for just existing and being able to pee standing up.
Even out with friends I would be laughing and having fun and a cloud would come over me immediately taking all my joy. Later I realized this was depression. Back in 9th grade.
When I got out of highschool I made a promise to myself to become more "me." To be myself. To not hide who I was. I wore what I wanted, acted how I wanted, did what i wanted, but I was in the military so what I could do was limited. My depression got worse, and the feeling I was born in the wrong body always stayed.
I later found out I had been raped when I was in 5th grade. I chalked everything up to that. The depression, the reluctantance to show skin, my unwillingness to change for gym in the men's locker room, me wearing hoodies well after it got to hot for them. I always assumed it was cause I was fat.
Then I realized what it all was. What it all had been. Always had been.
Growing up, people had always "misgendered" me. Even when my head was shaved. It never bothered me. I never corrected them. I never saw the problem.
And only this past year or so have I realized why.
this was a really good video. I Saw The TV Glow was really impactful for me as well. It perfectly captures the day to day misery of trying to force yourself to go through the motions of being in the wrong body.
I particularly liked how the film framed the terror of going through puberty and discussing sexuality too. The lines about feeling like your insides are scooped out, the framing of the quiet sadness you feel when the boys talk about girls and give you a look expecting you to join in, the desperate need to feel like something is good about your body as it slowly starts to turn against you so you start turning to the grown men, who are only there for the grainy photos of your ribcage, etc. are all portrayed so viscerally in the film and it really spoke to my experiences.
I'm unfortunately still closeted, but it's nice seeing films with such explicit theming becoming popular. I think it shows a growing acceptance of trans people, however small, which gives me hope for the future, both for myself and others.
Loved the analysis, great work!
Got me tearing up 😭 I never knew about I Saw the TV Glow and omfg your explanation of it and conclusion are the most accurate things ever. I’m a transguy and I feel like that’s what I do; don’t stand out and just get by. I’m not at all how I’d like to be and haven’t tried hard to get anything to change because it’s so overwhelming and terrifying; it’s what I want and dream for so much but the process to be truly happy over just fine is so difficult.
insane that i got a prageru ad for this video. but i loved this!
fellow dirk kinnie spotted hell yeah
Ah, they on purpose put the ad demographics towards us. Yes it is them trying to harass and belittle us.
I am Owen, I can’t come out, not right now, and I do feel scared and I feel like it’s better to conform. I have something nice, a house, with a lot of problems yeah but a nice house, with food, I have a family, it’s easy, going outside completely alone is so scary, so I do think about just conforming, but I owe my life to this movie, every time I think about conforming I think about this movie, it reminds me that if I do, I’m going to die. I can’t come out, but once I finally can, I will, is so frightening, but I’m not going to let myself die, I’m going to bury myself, is going to be scary, difficult and an isolated experience, is not going to be pretty, but I will do it
8:00 as a trans man after hearing you mention the sexual fantasy part, I recently was accused of such a thing!!!! except...Im ftm...it made me infuriated, but, hearing this isnt just something only I was accused of it pleased me in knowing Im not alone!
22:19 you know a neat detail is how the lighting casts a shadow right in the middle of owen's chest.. and a few minutes ago it's mentioned how isabel got her heart ripped out of her.. and considering how the midnight realm is depicted in snowglobe to be like the first scene of owen watching the show.. i would bet the shadow was intentional
When I watched I Saw the TV Glow, I didn't get it, I took it as a lost childhood and losing yourself to time, but you have made me understand what I couldn't see. I have never felt so seen by a video, so heard? I'm crying right now, amazing work.
I remember the first time I heard about the tv glowing. My response was literally "I don’t get the TV glowing thing the internet is doing right now. TVs are supposed glow, thats the point" and upon being told it was a trans thing, I said "I thought they were talking about literal TVs"
This why we use “”’s bro…
LMAOOOO
;^; when you brought leg hair, is was fully the same for me. i ended up getting heat stroke a non insignificant amount, because i refused to wear anything that didnt cover them. i knew it was the hair but i always told everyone else i didnt like how pale they were. i never tried to shave my legs until i was 24 though. saw my older brother get chewed out because my little sisters waxxed his legs for fun and he went with it... for a few years, i couldnt even wash my legs directly because the feeling of wet hair on them made me sick to my stomach
im so happy you were able to go through with shaving earlier than me goldy!! like not in a jealousy/envy way either! it can be so hard to cut through the brain blocks no matter how much you know what the issue is. im glad your wife is so supportive too!!❤
I watch the TV glow hit me especially hard as someone who's not sure if they ever wanna transition. I feel I'm not "trans enough" to warrant being under all that social, medical, and financial pressure of transitioning. It doesn't feel worth it. But I know if I don't I'll end up just like the end of that movie.
15:04 this is not about the essay at all but the detail of Aigis causing sparks to fly up when she ragdolls across the floor because she’s a robot is really good
I don’t think I can ever watch this movie - it’s one of those things that I feel like I’ve had spoiled too much by the internet (and long before this video) - but I’m grateful it exists, even if it illustrates a deep fear of mine.
She glow on my TV till I saw (this video enlightened me beyond comprehension)
you MONSTER for pulling the Gurren Lagann track at the end right before I have to go to work. Thank you. Really, thank you.
listen i think this is a wonderful video essay but i do have to say that Mary Shelly's frankenstein in the books does NOT involve two men making the monster. Its just frankenstein the doctor trying to play god. but he DOES have a really weird fixation about 'making the perfect man' but then being apalled at the thing hes made which could be a queer reading of its own i think
Was thinking the same thing. Frankenstein is my hyperfixation and i kept going "no no thats not what its about igor isn't real"
It's kind of a fascinating magic trick in the movie that by never explicitly stating it's about being trans but also unmistakably being about a trans experience, it helps bridge understanding for a lot of people. Everyone has their own struggles with "who am I?" and "is there something wrong with me?" And confronting those feelings and thoughts is scary no matter what. But for too many people, it's the gender aspect that becomes this live wire that makes them ignore the commonalities to focus on the otherness.
I'd also made the comment on another video on the movie about how having the Dad character have ONLY that one line and then basically a distant, silent, judging figure is an amazing choice. Too many stories go overboard in making that kind of figure EXPLICITLY antagonistic to the point of overtly hateful. But this gives a lot of people an out because THEY don't act like that. By leaving it ambiguous as to HOW bad his reaction might be, it preserves the kind of real life dread Queer people can face. And the cis people viewing this can't cleanly separate themselves from the dad.
idk why it’s so effective every time you instruct the audience to “laugh” it just gets me and i do; you’ve succeeded
I’m a bit late to this video, but I am currently working on a comparative study for my film class about trans identity in horror, and video was greatly helpful in writing my paper. Thank you! :-)
10:00 "To end this segment, in transition, (laugh)" actually got me
At 17:18 - Don't be calling me out like that. (I consider myself aro / ace but... at least _part_ of the issue is, indeed, that "the idea of having sex while being perceived as a man [is] difficult, frightening, and dysphoria-causing". I think I'm still aro / ace as a woman but, well, I'm still early in my transition and we haven't _really_ tested that hypothesis.)
At 19:40 - This was on my list of reasons to transition. Even if they don't see me as a woman, I figure it's a way to other myself for those kind of men. They won't think I'm one of them.
I love this video and it’s message, it’s really cool :>
Also I read through the comment at 8:42 and I wish it was here because there are so many things I wish I could correct them on, and actually give them constructive criticism on it, because I feel like people are much more likely to change their views if they aren’t just shouted/not given actual constructive criticism.
Sorry if that’s not relevant/you don’t want to read it
Your video is rlly cool :>
oh i've read through that comment a few times and what sucks is, i feel they were on the cusp of not being hateful, but then it kinda devolved into made up talking points. i would've loved to refute their points and try to make a difference, but the way i see it a lot of the time interacting at all just isn't worth it in the end. what's funny is i received that comment while i was at work and i'm like "damn i'm making more money reading this comment than they ever will make posting it"
I don’t like how every time you mention something about you being trans I can immediately go “yea that’s so me”
Real 😭
As a transman it makes me so horrified when I get seen as “one of the guys,” like it’s gender affirming but I don’t get how alotta guys see minorities.
Well written and well presented. Great content. I don't normally comment, but you deserve more attention from the algo gods. I honestly thought this was a "big" channel and i was curious how I hadn't come across it before, then I saw that this a smaller channel somehow!
Hope it gets more attention, the quality is very good.
yess i’m so glad to hear junji ito mentioned 🥰 all of his works are my current hyperfixation as someone who’s always loved body horror
one scene that really got me in i saw the tv glow is the first time you see mr melancholy up close, seeing what looks like flesh constantly decaying and reforming, it reminded me immensely of how i felt about my own body before hrt, that i was in little more than a flesh prison that was constantly betraying me as i just had to pretend it was normal
Not too sure if anyone noticed this but in the "theres still time" the second L in still is slanted and i cant help but think thats on purpose i looked up what it could mean and it said things like in math it could be a less than sign, a slanted L means stigma or summation, and one said in algebra it means infinity and i think thats nice just wanted to see if anyone else thought of that
I haven’t seen this movie, only heard about it. This video and reading through some of the comments has made me cry. For the longest time, I thought my fascination with body horror had to do with my disability. I never connected that it might be my gender. I will be watching this movie now.
As someone who knew I was disabled at a way earlier age than I knew I was trans/nonbinary, I think it can be about both.
Of course, I have a hard time untangling the two experiences (being trans and being disabled) sometimes.
IMHO being trans, and being chronically ill or neurodivergent, have some similarities as experiences. Especially in terms of how ableism and transphobia both seem to function.
(Also, I think some aspects of growing up autistic/chronically ill affected my gender identity development in some ways, personally.)
I’m still young, and I know I’ve got years of questioning to go, but I remember getting my first ‘pixie cut’ (it was short as hell) and thinking about my identity for the first time. It’s been 4 years since then, I’ve only got 5 more until I’m legally allowed to do anything. I’m so, so thankful that I have the ability to make myself look androgynous/leaning masc. We’re gonna skip over the fact I wanted to be called Alex since I could literally read cough cough
the way i started fucking BALLING my eyes out during the end of this video, thanks for making this girlie, this movie sounds fucking great.
"There is still time." YEOUCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
When you brought up robin in enies lobby i genuinely stumbled because i was standing up from the intense feeling of connectedness i had to her. Shes always been my favorite and i think you putting words to this video helped me figure out why
By the end of the movie I just kept whispering “Please go back. Just go back, Owen” and she never did and I felt so sad for her 😭
as a lesbian i really resonated with maddie. there’s something about being a lesbian for me that once i knew that, i knew i wasn’t cis at the same time. i do identify with parts of being a woman, but specifically with being a lesbian woman, who doesn’t fit the standards of femininity that society expects. learning how to accept being nonbinary and embracing it was almost forced upon me when it came to being a lesbian, because they’re so intertwined. i really think that’s what happened with maddie; i felt so seen that she was the one to first break through the nightmare because it’s so much harder to suppress who you love and what you are at the same time. i love that the butch experience and the transfem experience were both treated with so much love and care in this movie.
I only started my hrt journey a little over 2 months ago and watched this movie about halfway through that at the start of October and it broke me (granted I was having probably the worst of the mood swings I’ve had so far lmao I cried for like 3 hours). I just saw and felt so much of myself in Owen. I knew what I wanted for a long time, even when I couldn’t put words to it. I even started hrt research when I was 12, I just didn’t fully understand it then. I would hide under the sheets at 3 in the morning and search stuff on my 3ds because that’s all I could get online with lol. I just did everything I could to repress how I felt for so long, even trying to compromise as just going non-binary for ~3 years and not actually changing anything to be happier. Now I’m done playing into that thought process though, and no matter how scared I am for the future I’m happy I finally realized that there is still time.
Great video! I have a lot of feelings about this movie and I enjoyed your perspective. You had words that I didn’t have.
Also at 24:18, I didn’t think that Owen had a real family at all. I thought they meant the characters in Pink Opaque. Owen says that they like TV shows, Maddie says that Isabelle and Tara are like family to her.
That and we never see Owen’s family and the only time that they’re mentioned is when Owen is bringing in the new TV.
This is the first video of yours I’ve seen and I’m so glad i discovered you omg, subscribed right away
You're thinking of Scooby Doo Zombie Island. Not live-action, but they take the zombie's head off. Best Scooby Doo movie
Scooby Doo on Zombie Island!! It’s not live action but the scene you described happens in this one
i have no clue why my child mind remembered it as being live action, maybe it's time to finally conquer my fears...
@@goIdy might have been amalgamated with the scene in the live action scooby doo where shaggy also attempts to take a monsters mask off, and instead warps their real face in really weird ways?
27:46 im at a loss LMAO
It's not live action, but I think you're thinking about when Fred pulls the first zombie's head off trying to unmask it in Curse of Zombie Island.
Fuck this video was really good, hit harder then when I watched the movie for some reason.
0:26 The movie isn't live action, it's the animated movie "Scooby Doo on Zombie Island
Funny how we remember things.
it kinda hit with how I promised myself I would be out in my uni this year (and I partially am) but I keep shoving myself into the closet out of fear, and frankly it makes me feel so awful for days.
I'm nonbinary and the fact that I'm cis passing is one thing, the fact that I don't live my truth in words is another and more painful.
I get Owen, I lived like that for a while and I don't want to anymore
If possible, I find that 1) having something like a button that says my pronouns to wear or nonverbally signal that I'm not cis, and 2) having a social script/plan for what I'll say about it if I need to (civil/funny ways to correct people when they misgender me, etc), can both help.
Unfortunately "coming out" is an ongoing thing once you start doing it (unless you cut off everyone who ever knew you by your AGAB/dead name and go restart somewhere else, which I don't want to do).
People who know you and care about you will eventually learn and mostly remember, but if you don't look like a cis person with your given gender (look like a cis man if transmasc, or a cis woman if transfemme), strangers and acquaintances will often need to be reminded very often (or you have to just cope, beyond giving the initial corrections, so you don't have to keep saying it and they don't abruptly flip out).
17:01 I was already curious about the show but as soon as you included the clip of them answering the question, you’ve intrigued me hook line and sinker because suddenly I was wondering with a curious intrigue. Is this character aroace like me too? I’m shocked you even know the term aroace let alone what it means too and it makes me happy to know little by little we’re starting to be known in existence.
I just wanna put here that I had a much more positive interpretation of the ending of I Saw The TV Glow. Maybe it's because I cried 4 times during it relating to it way too much but I saw the ending as being positive. For the first time Isabel is cutting herself open to look at what's inside, we see that in the mirror she smiles, this is the only time she's smiled at her own reflection. I saw the TV static as her first time understanding gender euphoria, a feeling she repressed in the scene where the TV glow was faint while she was at Tara's. Maybe it's because when I first experienced euphoria and understood it, I was 18 and it felt like the sun had burst from my chest, her going back to apologize to everyone who ignore her is very real too, they're ignoring her because she's different.
This interpretation of the final scene is so great, I understood some people found the ending hopeful before but didn't really understand how it really could be until I read your comment.
The ending is Owen's egg cracking shown physically. When you experience that moment in real life it feels like you unlocked some huge big truth of yourself and the universe and it feels so important but then you go out into the world and realize no one cares. You still present as your birth gender and everyone around you still expects you to fulfill your role but you've had this massive breakthrough internally no one can see so it starts to seep out, like a cracked egg until you can no longer hide the fact you're trans then the only thing you can do is transition and be free
Hey so just watched the video. Didn’t watch the actual movie and given that just this analysis absolutely destroyed me I’m kind of glad. Great analysis, genuinely a terrific and genuinely horrifying movie just from what I saw here. May have cried a bit.
off comment but i gotta say this about silence of the lambs since you mentioned it at 7:20, but the only scene that freaked me out was the scene that switched between her in pitch black, very frantically looking for him, while the camera switched to his POV behind her with nightvision. Have no idea why but just that simple scene freaked me out more then any of the gore scenes.
I remember before knowing what trans even was as a kid wanting to create my sim but knowing it would take so long it was bound to be seen by someone so I always ended up managing a whole ass family and never allowed myself to make anyone that I actually wanted to create, just that huge family that kept me busy enough not to think about it
This movie felt like a fever dream but it's damn relatable. An anime character made me realize I'm not straight. I think as a closeted trans media was my only scape. And the movie captured what that felt like. Why can't i be a boy and me in a mans arm?
Wow I feel like I was just gutted and had my soul ripped out. Dope video
17:20 I’m transmasc and for the longest time I thought I was asexual sex repulsed because of this.
Its a little scene, but gods does the coworker scene make me uncomfortable because of what you said. Being seen as "one of the guys" as they say horrible things about people like you just makes you feel so much dread. Like you'll be found out any moment. Like your a prey animal surrounded by preditors and its only a matter of time before they realize that.
I believe you're thinking of Scooby-Doo: Zombie Island
3:10 as an autistic person with a HUGE hyperfixation on saw (and a general lover of horror) I’m holding back writing a whole ass essay rn….
But to sum it up, I don’t personally think saw is a torture 🌽 series… at least not fully. I’d say it’s more in the gore or splatter genre; There’s WAYYY too much of a story to be a true torture 🌽 series (especially the early films). Movies like Human Centipede *do* have plot, but also not really. There’s wayyy more of a focus on the grossness of it all. It’s hard to explain…. It’s really just a *vibe*. The *vibe* of the cinematography. The *vibe* of how the creators talk about their work…. It’s all a vibe
Okay I’m done, if you read all that, thank you for indulging me 😭
yeah you’re absolutely right, lumping saw and the human centipede into that category of film is disingenuous to an extent. i mainly said that for the sake of brevity, but yeah the aesthetics (vibes) of it all really do play a role in how they’re viewed in contrast to films of that genre
I think the body horror of the lunar juice and the scene of being buried alive going insane. It destroyed me. I also want to point out that the only few times we see Owen's "dad" is when he's surpressing her. In fact, he literally pulls her from the TV. Seeing his expression filled me with horror and dread, because I know that look. The look of being outed somehow. There's something about him that fills me with horror and dread.
I’m sorry but the ffxiv music activated me like a sleeper agent
Literally I’m so glad someone is talking about this movie. Two of my favorite artists play in the soundtrack and this movie looked so fucking perfect in the trailer.
THAT COMIC?? ARE YOU KIDDING ME
I I i
I I I _
This is an important video. Thank you for your voice!
0:23 You're possibly thinking of "Scooby Doo on Zombie Island" that's one of the best Scooby Doo movies imho. It's animated though, so idk if there was another movie that does the same thing
1:33 Why do i feel like bro is gonna hit me with the "pushing my fingers into my eyes"
youtube cant stop recomending me trans videos and i love it
I’m a simple girl… I see a fellow trans girl, I follow. ❤
There was no live action Scooby-Doo movie where they decapitate a real zombie. But, there is a direct to vhs animated movie called “Scooby-doo: zombie island” where they do the exact scenario on a zombie
I discovered I was trans when I was 11. I am 21 in a month and still closeted. This movie broke me haha.
i have no clue why i started this video thinking i’d be fine im fucking bawling. anyways great video!! i love hearing from other trans ppl and this is one of my favourite movies❤
Less than a minute in and you remind me of the body swap from the Scooby-Doo movie. Dang there were signs forever ago.
7:30 - i'm ftm and experiencing this in the opposite way.
Incredible video, please continue to make more! ❤❤
I’m hyped this popped up in my recommended :)
I firmly believe that this movie is Justice Smith's Best Role and Performance. He is absolutely fucking amazing and heartbreaking as Owen and I couldn't stop thinking about his Performance.
girlie i am 3 months into hrt and i just finished writing and drawing a trans comic for comic class
6:36 spoke out to me 😭😭😭
whyd you call me out like that 😭😭😭😭
8:44 Real shit. This might be too optimistic but I think most social problems in the world would be gone if people just took a second to hear out the people they're against, no matter what it is.
babe wake up new co2goldy dropped 🗣🗣🗣
Know it's not exactly relevant to the video, but Zombie Island. The piece of Scooby-Doo media where they go to remove the mask and the entire head comes off and it turns out to be a real zombie is Zombie Island. There's also a sequel to it to but uh... We don't talk about the sequel, no no.
its not a live action movie but im pretty sure the scooby doo movie youre remembering is zombie island one. its animated but the whole premise for the movie was to switch up the scooby doo franchise script so the monsters are just like real zombie or something (cannot remember exactly because i turned it off cus i was scared after they tore off the head) but anyways they tear off a zombies head in that movie but i do not believe they do that in any of the live actions ones (could be wrong tho)
17:23 THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT,THAT'S HOW I FEEL 😭 THIS hits so clothes to home 😭 (ftm)
Same hat. I thought I was asexual, but nah it was dysphoria. Hypersexual now after T lol