You have unrealistic expectations about friendships

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  • Опубликовано: 5 фев 2025

Комментарии • 135

  • @Dude-dx5ns
    @Dude-dx5ns 2 года назад +116

    I like this video, but I kind of disagree with one point. Maybe I was insecure, but I'm in my twenties and I literally just realised all of my friendships have been one sided. Literally. I used to describe myself as a loyal friend "no matter what", and I always used the, "Friendships aren't transactional and they don't owe me anything," till I went through the most traumatic period in my life and there was literally no one. I've cut them off now, and have decided to never put myself into that kind of situation again. Realising my friends were basically not my friends filled me with a lot of resentment. So I will never have another friend that does the bare minimum for me while I am a real friend. Your advice works if your friends at least come through for you when you really need them. If they can't even do that, what then is the point? You're just a slave

    • @Akta
      @Akta  2 года назад +25

      Completely agree with you, but it’s more so if those friends do other things. Our love languages are different so some people value quality time and make effort to plan, others may always get you a present for a bday etc. the point is that we can’t expect people to replicate what we give, people give in different ways. If you’re constantly giving and feeling like you’re getting nothing return, then yes of course why be friends with them, but then you simply move on from that friendship rather than sticking around wondering why your friendships are one-sided :) I’ve definitely let go of friends where I felt they didn’t care about me, so I don’t mean by that point that you just stick around with people who suck it’s just having perspective that we’re all different :)

    • @Dude-dx5ns
      @Dude-dx5ns 2 года назад +4

      @@Akta I see your point now. While you're here, I'm not certain you'll see this but I'd like your opinion.
      I once had a friend I would do everything for. Like everything he wanted, no matter what. And then the best he could do for me was to "check up" now and again and if I felt bad, mostly leave me to my own devices or basically tell me to toughen up. I got tired and he always said that this was the best he could do. He claimed that his default was not caring about anything or anyone, so what he was doing was the best he could do, and me being an over achiever was not in his nature. I tried to make him see I also had to try hard to get everything right and he could do with a bit of effort, but he claimed what he was doing was effort enough. What do you think about this?

    • @Akta
      @Akta  2 года назад +6

      @@Dude-dx5ns honestly, only you can answer that. Only you can say if the effort he gives feels like effort to you, and if it’s something you appreciate or not. If you carry resentment that it’s not good enough, then I personally would take a step back in how much energy you’re giving. I’d also ask why you’re giving so much - why do everything he wants no matter what? Are you doing what you want? Only you can answer these qs and do what feels right for you :)

    • @Dude-dx5ns
      @Dude-dx5ns 2 года назад +8

      @@Akta Thank you so much. I think I've just been wired to be loyal to people and do whatever they want and I'm really really working on that. Thanks a lot.

    • @kalki-13
      @kalki-13 2 года назад +1

      I took it more as "patience". Sometimes they'll do the heavy lifting in the relationship, sometimes you will.

  • @illuszion21
    @illuszion21 2 года назад +26

    Those were all the things I used to think about when I was a teen and in my 20s, I just turned 30 this year and my view on friendships have changed so much, I grew apart from so many friendships in last two years it’s the reality thanks for a great video ❤

    • @Akta
      @Akta  2 года назад +3

      Thank you so much lovely! It’s crazy how we grow apart from people as we get older! ❤️

  • @argent-wolfman90
    @argent-wolfman90 2 года назад +1

    Since I was 17 I found it hard to trust anybody, even more so as I got older. Many friends are enemies in hiding.

  • @meeezy
    @meeezy 2 года назад +5

    it’s not about quantity it’s about quality of the friendships you have. i been going through a lot of friendship breakups these past 2 years especially in the past yr it definitely hurts but i know i been aligned with the tribe i will have.

    • @Akta
      @Akta  2 года назад +2

      So true friendship break ups can be so painful, I wish they were spoken about more!! It’s good you know what aligns with you :) 🙏

  • @kalki-13
    @kalki-13 2 года назад +14

    Thank you for being so vulnerable in front of everyone. It's quite brave -- something I couldn't do.

    • @Akta
      @Akta  2 года назад +4

      Aww thank you so much Robert! Honestly, I didn’t think I ever could too! But once you start, you realise life feels a lot lighter when you take off that armour :)

  • @julianday
    @julianday 2 года назад +9

    Friends , who needs ‘em !

    • @Akta
      @Akta  2 года назад +8

      Lie 10? I'd been telling myself that for ages!

    • @yassin__560
      @yassin__560 2 года назад

      me😓

  • @leah38521
    @leah38521 Год назад

    I liked the point you made about being secure in your friendships not having to feel pressure to see your friends all the time ❤

  • @chinyererachel
    @chinyererachel 2 года назад +9

    How many friends you have matters is the biggest lie. In reality, I just have a few people I call friend, and I don't usually share things I don't want to with them. Nice video Akta ♥️

    • @Akta
      @Akta  2 года назад +2

      It’s so true!! I’m the same :) thanks so much for watching Chinyere ❤️

  • @Booster85
    @Booster85 2 года назад +27

    If you have 3 QUALITY friends then your doing well 👍

    • @Akta
      @Akta  2 года назад +8

      Definitely, but even they can come and go I think 😅

    • @Booster85
      @Booster85 2 года назад +3

      @@Akta absolutely, no denying that 😂

  • @johnwilson8693
    @johnwilson8693 2 года назад +7

    Your videos have gotten me through many hard times. Please don't ever stop. I'm so glad you showed up in my recommendations.❤️

    • @Akta
      @Akta  2 года назад +3

      Whenever I edit my videos, I constantly second guess whether they would help anyone so thank you so so so much for saying this, because it really does encourage me to continue. I really appreciate it John ❤️

  • @PurplePea13
    @PurplePea13 2 года назад +3

    Really great video and came at the right time! I recently moved to Amsterdam, making friends in a new country at 28 is strange but also exciting finding people that inspire you rather than forcing friendships back from home that didn't serve! Appreciate you! xx

    • @Akta
      @Akta  2 года назад +1

      OMG you’ve moved to Amsterdam?! How is it going?? I’m sooo excited for you, enjoy this new chapter in your life! 🙏 I appreciate you too 🤗❤️

    • @Siel-bm7gx
      @Siel-bm7gx 2 года назад

      That's great best of luck on everything.

    • @fatimateresa19
      @fatimateresa19 2 года назад

      I moved to UK , and yes making friends at 28 away from home in a foregein language with a different culture is a challange😅

  • @mntk
    @mntk 2 года назад +1

    You just summed up every big dark cloud floating in my head since my graduation in 2019 into organised topics. I have always thought it's only me experiencing this harsh reality about friendships until I stumbled across your video just now. It's such a hard pill to swallow but I'm gradually coming to terms with it. Thank you for making me feel related and connected ❤

  • @ritchiewong16
    @ritchiewong16 2 года назад +1

    Hi Akta 👋,
    One unrealistic expectation regarding friendships that I had to unlearn is that early friendships (even the really good ones) last forever, though I have to admit it took me quite a while to get myself there. As difficult as it was for me to let go of the people I thought I made lifelong friendships with, on the other hand I realized how liberating it feels to mentally hit this reset button and choose the people I want to connect and be friends with.
    Sending you lots of love!!! ❤️❤️❤️🤗

    • @Akta
      @Akta  2 года назад

      Hey Ritchie! Omg yes, this is such a hard expectation to let go of. I also struggled with it massively, especially since most people I knew had their childhood friendships, so I thought it was normal! You’re so right though, it really is liberating to let go! Thanks for watching this ❤️

  • @jjxsilva12
    @jjxsilva12 2 года назад

    This video is so underrated because everything you said was so true and so wise. People who don't understand these topics end up being constantly being frustrated with friendships and sometimes it becomes a toxic relationship.

    • @Akta
      @Akta  2 года назад

      Thank you so much lovely ❤️

  • @wamyy5
    @wamyy5 2 года назад +1

    Love the encouragement about finding friends outside of school! I've found that a struggle, especially finding other creators like yourself. I would love to connect with you, a fellow RUclipsr who thinks deeply and provides value like in your videos

    • @Akta
      @Akta  2 года назад +1

      Thank you so much :) That is so kind!!! If you’re on Twitter, that’s where I speak to creators most! :)

  • @PetterHughes
    @PetterHughes 2 года назад +1

    Great video about friendship! I used to be picked on for not having friends or having a lack of friends, but this video made me feel better about it!

    • @Akta
      @Akta  2 года назад +1

      I’m so sorry to hear that Petter! I’m glad this video made you feel better, you deserve better!! 🙏

  • @justines3507
    @justines3507 2 года назад +4

    Thank you for all your videos 💛 makes me feel grateful for what I already have and content with where I am rather than always looking for more !

    • @Akta
      @Akta  2 года назад +2

      This is exactly what I want people to feel 🥹🥹 so thank you so so so much for saying this Justine ❤️

  • @timetraveller7513
    @timetraveller7513 2 года назад

    The love or friendship that are based on personal interests will eventually break when it is not serving the need. Time tested relationship are imperfect and has it's own sacrifice. "Love and Hate are the illusion of our emotion that which we don't have a clarity but with full of assumptions, real love lies in the acceptance of the flaws which is why it hardly exists"

    • @Akta
      @Akta  2 года назад

      I love this, so true

  • @nirajshah8023
    @nirajshah8023 2 года назад

    I agree with everything you have said in this video! I feel when you are in your 20s there is so much transition with your friendships. I have experienced that!
    For me the main thing I learnt is to always try and see things from your friends side. For example, you may think they are ignoring you but they may be going through a lot and replying to messages is just not a priority

  • @Youtubeu2869
    @Youtubeu2869 2 года назад

    Your videos r so helpful for self help n the way u explain real life problems is so informative

    • @Akta
      @Akta  2 года назад

      I’m so glad you think so 🤗

  • @LakTM.
    @LakTM. 2 года назад +1

    Back in 2004 when social networks were just starting, here in Brazil not everyone had computer as its very expensive for the most at the time (3~5 months salary). My long time friend started to stay up to 10 hours on MSN Messenger, Orkut, Facebook and stuff. When I visited his family as neighbors he was at that PC, he talked to me while still looking to the PC screen. So I had some thoughts about alienation, depression and stuff. Just as I calculated, 10 years later the world changed with popularization of social networks and smartphone. The world is having the many issues and one of them you just described on this video. Thanks for helping people and the world!

    • @Akta
      @Akta  2 года назад

      I hope you’re in a better headspace now 🙏 thank you so much for sharing and for your kind words :)

  • @helloitsme8165
    @helloitsme8165 2 года назад

    I very much agree on these points. Boundaries are so important in all aspects of our lives. Although I can't help but think that we all have to live and go through it to really learn all this.

    • @Akta
      @Akta  2 года назад

      This is so true!

  • @nereamya
    @nereamya 2 года назад +4

    A good friend is better than an old friend 👌 great one (all of them, actually. But this one specially for people older than 30!) Haha

    • @Akta
      @Akta  2 года назад +2

      I know!! It’s so freeing when you realise you don’t have to hold on! 😅

  • @RaphaelAvant
    @RaphaelAvant 2 года назад +1

    I think the best friend idea does add a lot of pressure on both sides. As long as I considered someone a good friend, that's all that matters to me. People become friends for different reasons.

    • @Akta
      @Akta  2 года назад +1

      You’re so right Raphael!

  • @cynzyyy
    @cynzyyy 2 года назад

    This is something I really reflected on this year. I just wrote a piece on it too. I have slightly different thoughts about some points you brought up, but everything you share provide such good insight to building better friendships as an adult.

    • @Akta
      @Akta  2 года назад +1

      I love that you’ve recently reflected on this too! Thank you so much for watching Cynthia 🤗

  • @sofi1561
    @sofi1561 2 года назад +1

    It's so sad 🥺 friendships always meant to me so much more than any other relations
    But everything is so different when you're an adult

    • @Akta
      @Akta  2 года назад +1

      It’s true, they really are! It’s so nice you value them though

  • @terrycrews1760
    @terrycrews1760 2 года назад

    Damn I can tell you been through the ringer on the topic. This is a decent video on the discussion of friendship and the multiple complexities involved. On the surface we think we have an idea on what it is but over the years I found my definition and perspective evolves, readjusts, old friendships die off and new ones are formed. Mainly bc I think the topic is just under explored and often ignored. Even now how friendship is defined is evolving with the use of social media and the idea of interpersonal connectivity.

    • @Akta
      @Akta  2 года назад

      Thanks so much! :) you’re so right

  • @unknownperson7073
    @unknownperson7073 2 года назад +3

    I find this to be really good & resourceful, but regarding having friends that we support but they don't support back, what if that friend CAN really help (eg: something small as sending a shortnote pdf for a lecture you missed) but decides not to ? If you're a giver, what if your friend realizes that even if she/he doesn't help you back you'd continue to support her/him, hence she/he worries not to remain selfish?

    • @Akta
      @Akta  2 года назад +3

      I think it’s really up to us to keep our own boundaries, and if we don’t, then that’s on us. I used to be such a people pleaser, but learning to stand for my own self worth has been so life changing! I didn’t mean by that lie about people not giving to just accept people not giving at all, just that we give in different ways! If someone wasn’t giving anything to the friendship, I wouldn’t consider it a friendship - but people may give in a different way :)

  • @Siel-bm7gx
    @Siel-bm7gx 2 года назад

    Great post, I have had friends come and go I used to say I have no close friendships which is true. We go through different seasons and opportunities come and go embrace it.

    • @Akta
      @Akta  2 года назад

      So true! I love thinking of it as seasons

  • @theking8347
    @theking8347 2 года назад

    It's hard to meet people when you're not allowed to do anything or hang out anywhere without spending money.

  • @bdawg9206
    @bdawg9206 2 года назад +2

    Always a pleasure to watch your videos. So easy to listen to. Great to see the channel growing. Well deserved. B😁

    • @Akta
      @Akta  2 года назад +1

      Thanks so much B, I really appreciate you being part of this channel for so long and always being so supportive 🥰

    • @bdawg9206
      @bdawg9206 2 года назад +1

      @@Akta 😁 You are so welcome.

  • @lavanperera96
    @lavanperera96 2 года назад +1

    Awesome useful video, thank you so much

    • @Akta
      @Akta  2 года назад +1

      Thank you for watching Lavan :)

  • @yas_dev
    @yas_dev 2 года назад +1

    Thank you so much for these points. This is so good.... Love it...🤩😋

    • @Akta
      @Akta  2 года назад +1

      Thank you so much Yasith!! 🥰

  • @renshawhd
    @renshawhd 2 года назад

    I appreciate you for sharing your insights! Another great video. The choice of clips from Friends was a nice touch.

    • @Akta
      @Akta  2 года назад

      Thank you so much Renshaw 🤗

  • @Sunshineninja
    @Sunshineninja 2 года назад +2

    Thank you for sharing this. I definitely think that as we grow up our priorities change and some friendships adapt and grow while others are fond memories but don’t hold the same place if you’re growing in different directions. ♥️

    • @Siel-bm7gx
      @Siel-bm7gx 2 года назад +1

      I agree, then new people come in your life and friendships develop.

    • @Akta
      @Akta  2 года назад +1

      Thank you for watching this lovely ❤️

  • @theking8347
    @theking8347 2 года назад

    If I can't expect friends to be there for me, then what are they for?

  • @nicolenicole2085
    @nicolenicole2085 2 года назад

    Thanks for the great information!!

    • @Akta
      @Akta  2 года назад +1

      Thanks for watching ❤️

  • @Isaiah11823
    @Isaiah11823 2 года назад +1

    Thank you ❤️💫

    • @Akta
      @Akta  2 года назад +1

      Thank YOU ❤️

  • @tiffanytavassoli6646
    @tiffanytavassoli6646 2 года назад

    I love the wisdom and advice that you have to share. I'm always so excited to watch each new video that you come out with.

    • @Akta
      @Akta  2 года назад +1

      You’re so sweet Tiffany 🥹 thank you so much ❤️❤️❤️

  • @ninia__
    @ninia__ 2 года назад

    i can relate to all of this, thank you sm Akta ♡

    • @Akta
      @Akta  2 года назад

      Thank you for watching ✨

  • @danieldman8515
    @danieldman8515 2 года назад

    Great video Akta. Really insightful stuff I find these videos to be super interesting! 😄

    • @Akta
      @Akta  2 года назад +1

      Thank you so much Daniel 🤗

  • @mimo4856
    @mimo4856 2 года назад +1

    Underrated RUclipsr

    • @Akta
      @Akta  2 года назад

      🥹❤️❤️

  • @sindhujam652
    @sindhujam652 2 года назад

    You are such a therapist Akta ❤

    • @Akta
      @Akta  2 года назад

      Definitely not! Just sharing my experiences, reflections, and what I read around it 😅 but thank you ❤️❤️❤️

  • @stefangherman8408
    @stefangherman8408 Год назад

    Is normal for a friend to not react to my social media posts, even if I react to their posts?

  • @YggdrasilAudio
    @YggdrasilAudio 2 года назад

    I needed this.

    • @Akta
      @Akta  2 года назад

      🙏❤️

  • @Howlslash_sheesh
    @Howlslash_sheesh 2 года назад

    💙 Thank you

    • @Akta
      @Akta  2 года назад

      ❤️

  • @tomcat3905
    @tomcat3905 2 года назад

    This’s so true

    • @Akta
      @Akta  2 года назад

      Thanks :)

  • @Leo-yn5fx
    @Leo-yn5fx 2 года назад

    such a good video

    • @Akta
      @Akta  2 года назад

      Thanks Leo 🤗

  • @asmerettesfahun4578
    @asmerettesfahun4578 2 года назад

    Thanks for another great video! Love all of your content. I struggle with trying to find ways to also make new friends as an adult esp as an introvert. I wanted to share a new book about this in case it’s helpful it’s called Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make--and Keep--Friends by Marisa Franco.
    Hope you have a good day Akta! ❤

    • @Akta
      @Akta  2 года назад +1

      Thank you so much for the lovely comment, and for your book recommendation! I’ll add it to my list 🤗 I hope you’re having an amazing day too Asmeret ❤️❤️

  • @goldenlioness868
    @goldenlioness868 2 года назад

    How does one really make friends as an adult? I'm trying after battling with depression and suicidal ideations. Who anyone please give good advice? I'm trying to improve my quality of life with healthy friendships.

    • @Akta
      @Akta  2 года назад

      Hey lovely! I have a few videos on friendship so I’d definitely recommend watching, but I think the best way to make friends is to do the things that you already want to do, no matter what it is. I previously tried friendship apps and going to random classes I had no interest of continuing, but when I started things that I wanted to do (with no intention of making friends) that’s when I started making more friends because I was in an environment I was happy/myself in. For me this was doing RUclips, I have a handful of real life friends I’ve met through doing that. I also completely changed how I was with other people/not being afraid of being alone (I have a video on that). I hope mentally you’re in a better place and I’m sure you will find what you’re looking for 🙏🙏✨

    • @goldenlioness868
      @goldenlioness868 2 года назад

      @@Akta I appreciate your advice and kind words. I've actually been alone with myself since 2014. I had enough of alone time and don't desperately seek friends but in need of communication and human interaction. I don't know if it's just me, but the more people I encounter the more I look into people eyes. I don't feel or see them. When I look into their eyes I feel and see and empty shell. Almost soulless. I wonder if this has become the reality of our current society where people of depth don't actually exist outside of narcissism or facades. How can one really find their tribe when it seems that most people have based their personalities and values on curated lifestyles and aesthetics that are marketed to us? For example the bohemian girl, or the emo girl, etc. I've noticed when trying to connect with some people they are not who they portray themselves to be, hence the facade. I'm not one to be pessimistic of my future but I am deeply concerned and curious to know your age everyone elses thoughts on this.

  • @TheRedGameboy
    @TheRedGameboy Год назад

    I want to disagree with the likening of having/finding a best friend to getting a romantic partner. I think a best friend is somewhat necessary. Ppl can live without that if they have a handful of very decent friends. However, getting and keeping a best friend, traditionally, is nowhere near as hard as getting a perfect romantic partner. Traditionally, ya have 1-2 best friends at an early age, and with some support from a parent, make sure you don't lose touch. Being quite young, you won't have the high standards, biases, insecurities, negative influences, etc. to be critical, or picky. As time goes on, they become a consistent companion and a part of you, but there almost never are dynamics that can upset the balance except incorporating new friends into the fold. Traditionally, there ARE no pressures to look your best, certain (unnatural) behaviour to always impress, physical desires and hormones causing anxious interference of sound judgment, gender based conflicts, a rush to size up the other person and progress the relationship, nor are there enough fundamental differences to make the bond flimsy or conditional. Long term companionship cultivated from a casual bond of reciprocity is easy to keep going. Especially if both parties don't have tremendously busy lives, and their lives are otherwise a tad empty.

  • @SoCalBrian
    @SoCalBrian 2 года назад +2

    Hi, I'm Brian and I have no friends at all. I haven't had a real friend since I was in high school. I used to be depressed and have anxiety from it. I would go to the bars and clubs by myself in my 20s and early 30s by myself. It was so rough and tough. I'm 39 now. I'm just focused now on building my finance and wealth. I wish I could meet a woman as real and kind as you. Lots of horrible women out there.

    • @Akta
      @Akta  2 года назад +1

      Hey Brian! I’m sorry to hear that you’ve struggled with anxiety, depression and loneliness! It’s great that you’re directing your energy into more positive things now, and I hope you keep an open heart so that people can still come into your life 🙏

    • @Siel-bm7gx
      @Siel-bm7gx 2 года назад

      Your not alot, I have had friends come and go.

    • @Cassim125
      @Cassim125 2 года назад

      How many times I've been to the cinema by myself seeing others in groups. It's a very sad state the way the world is

  • @jovinsingh6380
    @jovinsingh6380 2 года назад

    I bring 21year old guy, i don't have friends nor i have a girlfriend 😔 which makes my life boring life go through so much social anxiety. Depression

    • @Akta
      @Akta  2 года назад

      I’m so sorry Jovin 🥹 hope this season of your life passes

    • @jovinsingh6380
      @jovinsingh6380 2 года назад

      @@Akta yes Akta. This what makes makes me through social anxiety.

  • @IntrovertedLoLo
    @IntrovertedLoLo 2 года назад

    Just here in the comments to tell you how stunning you are again! :D

  • @JoseAlvarado-wt4kp
    @JoseAlvarado-wt4kp 2 года назад

    I suscribe :)

  • @MannysVlogs
    @MannysVlogs 2 года назад

    Could we become friends

    • @Akta
      @Akta  2 года назад +2

      I never know how to reply to comments like this because I feel like friendships need to be organic 😅

    • @MannysVlogs
      @MannysVlogs 2 года назад

      I'm sorry for putting you on the spot lol. Well organic is possible seeing how you didn't say no. So I'll start names Manuel and I'd like a chance to chat, talk, get to know one another more. Now it'd make for some decent content if we wanted to make conversations public. I don't know who knows we may be polar opposite or very similar but we won't know until we know.

  • @vdjzoomgaming
    @vdjzoomgaming 2 года назад

    NEW HERE!

    • @Akta
      @Akta  2 года назад

      Thanks for being here :)

  • @usaintltrade
    @usaintltrade 2 года назад +1

    💜

    • @Akta
      @Akta  2 года назад

      ❤️

  • @vivianmassao
    @vivianmassao 2 года назад

    ♥️♥️

    • @Akta
      @Akta  2 года назад

      ❤️❤️❤️

  • @voiceofomiej7722
    @voiceofomiej7722 2 года назад

    ❤🧡❤

    • @Akta
      @Akta  2 года назад

      ❤️❤️

  • @Aziz-ki9ep
    @Aziz-ki9ep 2 года назад

    who r u? im surprised to see someone speak truth after a very very long time. who r u?

    • @Akta
      @Akta  2 года назад

      That’s so nice Aziz! I’m Akta 👋

    • @Aziz-ki9ep
      @Aziz-ki9ep 2 года назад

      @@Akta "akta" different name. Never heard this name befr.

  • @TheDoomWizard
    @TheDoomWizard 2 года назад +1

    Okay maybe it doesn't like links. Look, We're in runaway climate change. It will be very difficult to survive by 2030. You need to completely refocus this channel if you really had a high IQ.

    • @Akta
      @Akta  2 года назад

      Feel free to share your channel here so people can check it out :)

    • @Akta
      @Akta  2 года назад

      Feel free to share your channel here so people can check it out :)

  • @spare8332
    @spare8332 2 года назад

    Cringe