“Am I Aromantic?!” | Being Aromantic (while not asexual)
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- Опубликовано: 1 окт 2024
- Hey all!
This is my first attempt at giving people some possible thinking points to consider when trying to determine if they’re aro or not. Its certainly not conclusive, honestly i might even make another video on the topic as its rather complex and there is no definitive answer for anyone but hopefully this helps a little! Please share this with friends and family, like and subscribe and comment your thoughts and your own experience. I love hearing from you guys!
-Nik
it turns out my ideal relationship is a friendship
EXACTLY! Haha
AMEN! And people look at me like I'm crazy.
Same 😭😭😭😭
@@ap240Yes because aroace people are not falling in love and having s3x the way the society wants
THIS!
laughed so hard when you were talking about scouring youtube for ace channels, "thEreS liKE 7" what a mood honestly
TheMusicSingsToMe aro channels* haha but I feel you! Def need more! Thanks for tuning in! 🙌🏽
lmao yes😭
Right and after some search results, you get videos which have 'a romantic' in the title 🙄
@@Raging_Remon A RUclips channel about asexuality
❤
Finding aromantic content and representation is soooo hard, which is probably why it's been such a long and stressful process for me. When you can't find media that you relate to, it's harder to come to your own conclusion.
fr it's either aroace (which is not a problem of course but still frustrating if you search for aro rep ONLY) or ace content and every media i have searched aro rep for (books, movies, etc) i find nothing. like i understand that ace or aroace is "more known" or just has more "members" in the community, but it's making me sad that i can't find ANYTHING that could possibly represent me or other members of the community in anyway be it even slightly.
As a trans dude, mood. I spent a lot of time trying to see myself in women in media, cos while I knew trans guys online, I never saw any in anything--tv, film, books, I had no stories to relate to and no concept of how my own self could fit into the world. I'm not aro, I'm looking for aro RUclipsrs to understand it better, bc, like you said, you never see it depicted
did you find something? I'm still searching....
Yessss
"If you're thinking about relationships as equations you're probably aromantic". That was sooooo relatable. Your videos are so helpfull to me. Thank you for this amazing job you're doing.
Thiago Acordi haha I’m jus sayin! Everyone else seems to throw facts aside and go with their gut and I’m here just like “so here’s the pros and cons list of factual evidence on why this relationships frankly just doesn’t work for me” haha. So glad you watched and related! I appreciate the kind words
I can relate to that quote:
I feel like I trade my autonomy and adopt a facimile of romance as a kind of trade, in hope of, sex(touch, connection, a better understanding of myself).
The more aware of this I am the more repulsed I feel by this kind of fakeness in my self.
I did not understand what you said .I want to educate myself on the aro community.
And god bless u
That part was definitely what hit the hardest. Like I could relate to most of it but that part was like "damn.....he right"
What touched me most was you talking about being independent. That is what I really enjoy about my life! On bad days I wonder if that's just me being a selfish, horrible person. But I am not. I'm a teacher, I'm a good friend, daughter and aunt, I do quite a lot of community work. I mean, it's the 21st century - other people have a partner and maybe kids because that's what makes them happy, not because it is our duty to procreate, right? So I have a right to be happy on my own...
Guess I'll put this video on my playlist for bad days.
I feel the same, I'd always guilt myself into feeling like I'm just being selfish for feeling the way I do, but this video helped put my doubts at ease. I may not be completely aromantic but maybe grayromantic is closer to the mark cause it can vary some days.
Dang sorry I’m just seeing this but hell ya you deserve to be happy and it’s not selfish! You framed it really well in your comment! Hope you’re having more good days than bad ❤️
I love my boyfriend but I'm most happy by myself
If everyone was meant to procreate, we'd have a hell of a population problem, haha.
it’s 3 in the morning and i’m crying because this is the first time my brain has actually made sense in awhile. i’m not romance repulsed but i’ve finally decided that i’m definitely on the aro spectrum
this whole video is just. really affirming to what i’m feeling and stressing about, and what i’ve felt in relationships
❤️❤️Just had the same moment year ago
literally me rn, its 4:30am and im just crying
sameeeeeee
I felt this way almost a year and a half ago as well, but instead of crying I was pretty excited. I'm not repulsed to romance either but sometimes in past relationships was like "something is missing" or I felt extremely asphyxiated. Is very refreshing to see this label!
Finally a video about aromantics without asexuality 😭
I hold no judgment against aro/ace's, but it's so much harder to find any information about puerly aromantics on the internet, which is what I want to focus on.
Me too. It's one thing to be sexually attracted to someone, or feeling the need to "satisfy" oneself, but an actual committed relationship simply for its own sake, that's another.
"if youve ever pursued a relationship, and immediately wanted to be out of it, youre probably aro"
this. this was the moment i finally felt validated.
Happy I could help! Haha it’s so wonderful feeling seen and hear and connected to others! Thanks for commenting!
Me too! Only "relationship" I had was 2 weeks short and I wanted to end it as quickly as I could
Bro frrr, it felt great to say to friends that I was in a relationship but the minute they would ask about intimate stuff or anything I would just blank stare at them. My adrenaline is the chasing/crush stage as it is fun, but the second the other person actually says yes then it's suddenly serious and I don't like it at all. On the first date I just decided to stop right there it was too weird for me.
So true, i like the adrenaline from chasing someone, i like sex, but truly, i just want a close friend who i can also have sex with 😭😭
@@thisannoyinggirlrightthere9359literally same
I honestly cannot imagine myself giving up my independence, and when I get into a ‘relationship’ I get low when I have to give my time to other people. I feel like I’m just being selfish.
same
Sounds like me...... I’ve ever been in a relationship (never even dated) at 41yrs old, and I like my independence far too much to even consider giving my time to someone else, I feel selfish too but I’m not hurting anyone.
Hmm maybe you are aro or finding the wrong partners. Romantic relationships shouldn't be about compromising your independence. 😇 just fyi
@@jclyntoledo they are. You lose your independence because you always have to consider someone else. It's not just about you.
ohmgggg no because I thought I was selfish too, because I didn't wanna give my time to other people in the context that all we would be doing was expressing affection for each other and doing romantic things that would just exhaust me. I hate feeling that way and thought i was betraying / neglecting my partner of their needs
"I'm 6 weeks in and I'm like I gotta get out of here" describes almost every relationship I've ever had, if I even made it to 6 weeks. The only thing that worked for me was being with an equally if not more independent partner in a poly relationship. Being with him was like being single, which I loved. Both of us just did whatever we wanted (that we would normally do even if we weren't together) and then occasionally we'd do stuff together. Unfortunately, finding people like this is extremely difficult, especially when most people are so co-dependent, clingy, jealous and insecure.
I hear you. Def harder to find folks like that but so great when you do! Best of luck with on your journey!
I just recently started questioning my romantic orientation and when I read this I just thought "THIS is what I want in life!" Like omg
that 's amazing to see this exists, even if it's not for life. thanks for sharing,
I had one relationship so far and it was with a friend but it only lasted 2 weeks because it felt so awkward and wrong 💀
That's exactly what I want out of a relationship 🥰 it sounds so perfect.
For me, I had a couple of lukewarm relationships towards the end of high school, and then made a bunch of excuses why I was putting off starting dating again. I'm in my thirties, and the only time I ever thought about dating was in the context of "I really need to get this done."
And then I realized I felt the same way about finding my one true love that I felt about doing my taxes. Something I had to do, but which I wasn't going to enjoy. That's when I started looking into whether I was Ace or something. I don't know how much knowing about being Aro changes my life, but it's nice to know I'm not alone in being comfortably alone.
Honestly being aro is pretty dope imo cuz it’s kind of like we don’t need to worry about this seemingly complex, time consuming and often times caustic aspect of life many others need to. I think about all the time energy and resources people have waisted either in or pursuing romantic relationships and I’m so grateful to have had that time to myself or to share with more substantial relationships like family and friends. I had a similar mindset to you before I knew I was aro where I would think like “well it seems like a there’s something going on here and I’ll have to do the work to “fix it” at some point but I don’t care enough currently to do it so whatever” but then learning I was aro was such a relief cuz I was like “oh sick! There’s nothing actually wrong so that work I thought I was gonna have to do to “fix me” I don’t need to do anymore cuz I’m not broken” it was just a relief to know I’m good just as I am and finding others to relate with has been great as well.
Thanks for watching and sharing! If you dig the video check the others out and subscribe to see more as I got more on the way!
@@nikhampshire this answer wasn't for me but I love that you gave a positive answer on being aromantic
I'm looking for my identity and this helps me a lot
Loved your explanation :)
You are a life savior!
On top of never being able to imagine a future with one partner, I can't imagine developing romantic feelings for a person that are totally different to platonic feelings and/or sexual attraction. I've only been in one relationship and looking back, I realize that that person was just one of my best friends and we had a great connection, so I just assumed that was romantic attraction and that it would make sense to be in a relationship with that person but soon enough I started feeling trapped and unhappy even though I really liked that person. So that might also be an indicator that you're on the aromantic spectrum - not understanding what the difference is between having really strong platonic feelings for someone / caring for them as a person and as a friend and having romantic attraction for someone. (Although I think there might be a specific label for that experience: quoiromantic) :)
Anyways, thank you for your insight and being one of the 7 aro channels lol!
Maika S. Definitely can relate to mistaking strong platonic love for possibly romantic because we just can’t seem to feel or understand what romantic love is. Definitely a solid indicator for being aro haha. Thanks so much for watching and your input! 🙌🏽
My experience is very similar i feel like. I definitly feel a lot of love and affection towards friends and never really understood how romantic love is different from platonic love. I live with a best friend who i have sex with sometimes and love very much - a lot of which would probably qualify for what people think of a relationsship or something that people 'in love' do, but i feel nothing but platonic love and appreciation for them and its the same kind of feeling i have towards my other friends. To me, that makes romantic love seem very much like a controlling thing or a thing that oftens breeds monogamy and such even though i try my best to respect and support my friends when theyre in love and seeking traditional relationships/partners. Years ago i felt very lonely and afraid i would never find love and have close important relatoinships because i was taught that that can only come from romantic love and romantic partners, but i have so much love in the friendships i have and i am very thankful and relieved to learn that as a aromantic person i can live a life filled with meaningful relations and that i am not broken or wrong.
This is the most eye-opening aro tidbit I have seen so far, and now I am leaning more toward that I am aro. Still don't know for sure, though, but wow.
I have adhd, though, so I always wonder if it could be more related to that and getting "bored" of partners.
Question: do you feel like you’ll ever be in an intimate “romantic” relationship??
This is so much relatable, i am scared
I’m the oldest of 4 and my three younger siblings are all in the LGBTQ community, and I just learned this year, and my closest sister is aromantic and your vids are helping me better understand my sister so I can support her better.
Inspire Me love Love LOVE to read this! I really do make these videos for everyone. Mostly it seems like aro people trying to figure themselves out but I also intended for the videos to be easily consumable for those that aren’t aro so they can hopefully understand others that are close to them that may be! So thank you so much for watching and sharing your experience! Definitely subscribe if you’d care to see more! I got more comin!
That's so sweet.
Just cause a person is an aromantic doesn't mean they're in the LGBTQ community. I'm a very straight guy with sexual urges, I just don't think a woman makes the sun or stars come out. I will appreciate a woman's beauty but won't feel disappointed if she doesn't want to sleep with me, I just move to the next woman but that's when I'm horny. I tried relationships but always look for an excuse to get out
@@justsaying1858of course they can be, because aromanticism is about who you are attracted to, not something you decide or choose.
Honestly, I just learned about the term aromantic an hour ago. I never understood other people say when something just click. But now I do.
That "ho-ly sht" moment? It just happened to me, an hour ago. The thing is I also know I'm not asexual. So I got confused if it was possible to be aromantic and hetero at the same time, and here you are talking about everything that I'm feeling.
Welcome my friend! I know exactly how you feel haha. This is why I make the content that I do! I have a bunch of videos here and more on the way so be sure to peep the others and subscribe to see more! We have great convos in the comments about people that are like us and it’s all very validating and comforting! Thanks for watching the video! Glad it helped!
today, right now I'm having my holyshit moment
"so i'm just losing, is what's happening" yup
Elise Code that’s just how it feels sometimes! Everytime I tried I was just losing. Had to stop playing haha. 🤣
Thank you for making these vids, when i first heard the term aromantic, my immediate reaction was "no, that's not me," because i love romance novels and movies and i always wanted to be in a relationship but it just never happened, when i finally got into one i discovered that i hated the acts of cuddling and kissing, things people are supposed to love and when he would ask me to hang out it almost felt like a chore. Within a few weeks of dating, he was already confessing love and it was like a giant red flag like, this is wayyyyyy too fast, get me off this ride. Everyone i tried explaining this to looked at me like i was the strange one, i eventually couldn't take it and we broke up. After a couple of years i found i still had no interest in being with someone again and i encountered the term aromantic again, this time i looked into it more and was able to see that i did match a lot of it. Realizing the difference between loving the idea of romance and actually loving romance is still something i struggle with, i am not sure if other aro's can relate but finding videos like this with other people's different yet similar experiences really helps me feel a lot less strange and alone. Sorry this is such a long comment
Omg I'm exactly the same as you, and I would like people but as soon as they liked me back I would lose interest
I could not relate more, exact same story to a T!
Dang sorry I missed this comment but definitely relate. I wouldn’t say I love romance novels or shows/movies that are solely based around that concept but I like some rom coms and root for the couple and whatnot. I like to see people get together when the chemistry is there and the story is good. I’m not averse to seeing it just don’t experience it which is perfectly fine by me haha
I’ve never felt so validated holy shit. I’ve always felt like I’m broken and like I “just haven’t found the right one” bs. Thank you for this video, I don’t feel broken anymore :)
YES! Thats what I’m here for! I literally have a video called “we are not broken!” If you havn’t peeped please do! I def know how that can feel and I’m so glad my content is helping to dispel people of these concerns. That feeling of validation is so comforting and I’m so happy to help folks feel it! Thanks for watching and your comment! Please follow if you care to see more content on the topic!
I think I may be romance repulsed. I’ve never even dated anyone because even the thought of doing that makes me uncomfortable and I never understood why I should force myself to date someone when I really don’t want to. There was a lot of that kind of pressure back in high school. In fact I love the thought of being single my whole life, as long as I have friends I feel like that would make me happy. I love my independence. So I think that all could be a sign that I’m aromantic. Relationships just seem like a big pain in my opinion. My brother who recently moved in with his girlfriend is always talking about how he has to schedule things to help their relationship work and she has to do the same and I’m thinking it doesn’t seem like it’s for me at all.
Heaven Bunny definitely sound Aromantic to me. Nothing wrong with being single forever and filling your life with friends. I find those relationships far better places to invest than romantic ones anyways! Just do whatever makes you happy! Thanks for watching and sharing! 😁🙏🏽
THIS!! dating makes me so fuckin anxious and stressed, not enjoyable at all...
It took me forever to figure out that I'm aromantic (specifically quoiromantic) because I have alterous and sexual attraction and like companionate relationships it didn't register that I also get squicked out as relationships turn more "romantic" and serious. I prefer playful, companionate relationships as opposed to dedication and commitment
Its crazy how specific we can break things down these days to really figure out who we are and how we work to best navigate our lives and relationships with people! I’m glad you’re able to figure it all out! Thanks for watching and sharing a bit of your thoughts!
Wowwwwwwww I feel this
u just explainned me
I only recently realized I'm aromantic when I tried to have a fwb relationship with my friend, but then he started acting like we were in a romantic relationship. It made me uncomfortable but I went along with it. I think I lead him on because I didn't have the words to articulate the kind of attraction I had towards him, so it got miscommunicated as romantic feelings, so really I put myself in that uncomfy spot.
After like 2 weeks I noticed I was unclmfortable. I realized I wanted the sexual AND the platonic parts of a relationship, but not the romantic parts. I never even thought about the loss of autonomy and the ability to just go do shit; but now I realize that even if he wasn't controlling, I did still feel Expected to tell him I was going to get McDonald's for my lunch break and ask if he wants to come, even if I just wanted to go get my food quickly and return. But because I was his Partner, I had to check in. And I didn't like that. It seemed like an annoying extra step. Not because I wanted to worry him or intentionally wanted to exclude him, but because I just wanted to go do my shit really quick and be right back. Why does it matter if someone else knows where I am? I'm going down the road to McDonalds, I'm fine.
I also felt really weird and out-of-place while performing romantic acts; like I was acting. Holding hands while we walked down the street, him hugging me while we waited for the pedestrian walk sign, and the kissing in public just for the sake of displaying our affection felt... Awkward and uncomfortable to me. I didn't get a rush of euphoria, or even a warm comforting feeling. I was just thinking about if my facial expression was convincing enough, or of my body language was awkward or not. But honestly, I'd just /rather/ put my hand in my pocket, unless it's a busy crowded place and I have a reason to hold someone's hand to not lose them. I'd rather just stand at the stop light and wait normally; blab about some random shit instead of cuddling as though I'm supposed to be comforting him? Or he's comforting me? It was a very "comfort me" hug but the situation didn't read I need comfort at all. And I'd rather just not kiss someone if I don't feel like kissing and escalating that into potentially more. It's foreplay to me, I don't need a goodbye peck, fuckin make out with me if you're gonna!
This awkward fwb relationship made me look back on my past relationship with another person, and how it wasn't very long (either of the 2 times we tried), I never felt properly comfortable, and I ended up being way more happy just being really closer friends with the person after we broke up. Romance and romantic feeling have just never really been something I Get/find necessary FOR ME in MY life. I like romance, as long as it doesn't involve me partaking in it.
Stiiil very much coming to terms with that and learning how to have relationships and communicate my lack of romantic attraction but also desire for sexual intimacy in a way romantic people can understand. So thank you for making content to help with that.
Omg I feel the same way!!!
It’s funny how even if our partners don’t set those expectations of us like including us in lunch plans or even telling us about them WE feel the expectations regardless. Like my last partnership, she didn’t expect me to do that stuff and specifically told me not to but still, if I’m “in a relationship/partnership” I simply cannot shake that sense of obligation and loss of autonomy and so it just doesn’t work despite the partner having nothing to do with it.
And big agree on the performative side of PDA and stuff. I don’t dislike seeing others do it, it’s whatever but I always imagine if I had to do that or had someone try and do that stuff to me and it always give me big BIG cringe haha.
And to your point about “don’t kiss me goodbye, kissing is supposed to lead to sex” is so real. In another video I talk about how the brain is like a computer that sorts information for easier recall later. I mention aros don’t have a romance folder so all our experiences that would normally go into that folder go into others like “friends” or “sex”. So yea kissing is pretty much the “sex” folder only. If the kiss doesn’t contextually have to do with sex specifically then it feels super uncomfortable to me.
Great comment! Thanks so much for sharing! Sorry for the delayed response!
I can 100 percent relate to this
I’ve recently realized that I’m aromantic, and honestly, it was just so relieving to finally find out that there is a label for myself.
I’ve never had a crush. The closest I can remember was attempting to convince myself I had crushes on my friends when we started to drift apart. Other than that, my feeling were always platonic.
In general, the idea of being in a romantic relationship simply does not seem appealing. And while yes, every now and then my mind might wonder, “are we missing out?”, the answer always ends up being no. The idea of being romantically with someone gives me the unpleasant feeling of being trapped. The idea that I now have to stay with this person, commit myself to them, and actually do anything romantic immediately cause my brain to panic.
I think my ideal future lifestyle would be something along the lines of friends with benefits. A person that you might occasionally have sexual engagements with, but still manage to keep it platonic.
I hear you 1000% and that’s my disposition as well. And there’s plenty of folks out there looking for similar arrangements. Our dating pool is a bit smaller than the average person but not impossible so definitely don’t be afraid to put yourself out there and just be upfront with what you’re comfortable with and looking for and you’ll eventually find your people!
Thanks for watching and commenting! Sorry for the delay! ❤️
"Unpleasant feeling of being trapped". This hits hard! I feel the same!
I experience sexual & platonic attraction but if I feel like I've conceeded too much in the relationship or I don't see any benefit to being in the relationship, its like I shut down and become miserable. Then I have 0 feelings of anything, they just become an obstacle to my happiness and I lose respect for them. I don't know what it is about people that feel like once they're in a relationship with you they don't have to maintain the sex or the friendship anymore and now you just belong to the because "love". Like what? But yeah anyway, I'm not repulsed by marriage to a romantically attracted person, but our relationship would probably have to be a poly to work.
WKSHD in these instances when you feel like you’ve conceded too much in a relationship, do you feel you were forced or coerced or was it your own experimenting to see what your limitations were? I def know what you mean about feeling as if they can impede your happiness tho. And that a relationship may need to be poly. I havnt done a poly relationship myself, i don’t know if I’d ever care enough to be in one tbh. I like being alone. Having multiple partners sounds exhausting lol thank you for watching and sharing your experience and perspective! I appreciate the comment! 🙏🏽
@@nikhampshire No problem! Thanks for making this video.
I'm very generous with my time & affection in a platonic relationship but when it becomes sexual I feel like people change and start acting entitled to my time & affection. I like my own space and when a partner wants to be around me more its cool at first, but I hate being nagged. I think in the past I've conceded to keep the peace because I don't like arguments. It definitely feels coerced and there's also societal pressure for me as a woman. I haven't been in a poly relationship yet but I'm just curious about what my relationships would look like if I didn't have to worry about fulfilling romantic expectations.
I’m feeling more and more comfortable with being aro. I remember the first time I told a friend about being aro and her response was that it was probably just caused by depression. The thing is I’ve always felt this way regardless of my mental health. I wasn’t even depressed when she said that. lol
Trying to fit into a norm that isn’t for you is quite depressing however.
Yeah I can definitely see trying to force yourself into a box that doesn’t fit you can be draining and cause/trigger depression. Glad you were able to identify that. Hope you’re journey of self exploration is going well! Sorry for the late response! 😅
@@nikhampshire what a nice surprise ^^ yes thank you, I’ve been doing really well since making that comment! I’m focusing on the things I enjoy and actually want to do in life instead of trying to adhere to whatever expectations people have of me and it’s been really good for me. :)
@@mikk5540 absolutely love this. My life motto is simple by all encompassing when you break it down… Do more of what you want, less of what you don’t. ❤️
@@nikhampshire couldn’t agree more, that’s a great motto 👌🏼
Wow, I think this is me. Now I have to have the conversation with the person I'm dating. Uff.
DQ good luck with your partner!
I realized that I treat my closest friend a bit like spouses treat each other, because, for me, true friendship IS the highest form of love i'm capable of. So the only commited romantic relationship I've been on felt more like a glorified close friendship, tbh. (after a while we opened the relationship, and my closest friends are mostly with benefits, so...) Any conversations we had about marriage just chilled me to the bone, cause the idea of marriage doesn't suck, but it also doesn't make me excited? I dunno. Tried to fight that feeling for a couple years, but when some very big decisions had to be made about moving forward in the romantic relationship, I had to be really honest with myself in more ways than one (it was hard, let me tell you) and we ended the romantic side of our relationship. I still love her very much, and we're friends to this day, so it worked out in the end, but it took a solid year after that break up for me to understand that I was, in fact, aromantic, not just very broken and heartless. Dunno if I'll ever feel like marrying someone, but If I do, for tax purposes, I'll marry a friend for damn sure huahhahaha and we'll live freely ever after
V relatable! I feel you! Thanks for watching and sharing your experience ♥️
I’ve pretty much always known I was aromantic in some form, but it wasn’t until recently that I discovered that it had an actual label. Marriage never appealed to me for many of the same reasons he stated. And over time I realized that my requirements for a close friend and my standards for a girlfriend/wife are basically the exact same, except that I ‘romantically’ loved my girlfriend/wife, whatever that meant.
I could not be more thankful for this video, and channel as a whole, for helping me on my journey.
Ayyy! Absolutely love to hear this. Thanks so much for watching and leaving some luv!
WOW this video just hit the nail on the head. I'm 60 yo and spent the last 40 years in brief relationships, and one short marriage. I knew from my first girlfriend that I did not have staying power and needed to exist from about the 6-week mark. I always had good intentions and I would think maybe I have just not met the right person. I have said "it's not you, it's me " so many times. I wish I knew this was my affliction 40 years ago, I would not have caused pain to so many women. I always felt guilty for leaving them, but I just needed to escape.
I'm not sure where my life goes for the next 20 years, but I will stop hurting more women. Thanks so much, I will watch it again and let this knowledge sink in. I'm blown away from this. to know it's just not me is some relief.
Damn sorry you’ve been dealing with this confusion for so long dude! It can be tough to navigate. Check out my “dating while aro” video. It may be helpful figuring out how to navigate dating while still being considerate of others. There are plenty of women out there who are similar or at least down to date casually so long as you let them know up front that’s all you’re In it for.
Thanks for watching and sharing a bit of your story. 🙏🏽
also i'm so heterosexual that i never doubted it. like at around 7, i realized boys were cute, and i've stood by it. even when i got squishes (like platonic crushes) on girls, or aesthetic attraction, i didn't know what to call it but i was just like, 'she's cool', 'she's pretty'--that's that. idk whether i'm more aggressively aro or hetero, both are 100%.
Funny how some things we can be so absolute about and others that can seem more confusing or unsure. Glad to hear you’re so resolute on these issues!
That’s me! And exactly why I didn’t question for so long. Only when I found the term scrolling thru Instagram
Same! That's why I'm so confused right now lol
I’m at 7:50 and had to stop and gasp at “if you’re plugging things into a calculator, you’re probably aromantic” 😅 Ive known I was aromantic since 2017 (around age 32), and a few months ago I was able to dig up in my old email a literal SPREADSHEET of an argument I was having with a boyfriend. Issues were in the Y axis and his/her feelings were in the X axis columns. He wouldn’t even speak to me about my spreadsheet. 😂😂😂
Hahaha that is next level! I love it 🤣
At first I thought I was a psychopath, which distresses me a lot, but then I feel bad that I might hurt people that like me cuz I just wanted to be friends and so pretended to be oblivious to every advances, and when they try to confess either I ran away or anxiously tell them I just want to be friends(they take it nicely), but I would still stress think about it at night if I hurt them or they hate me now and just acting nice or something. It was soo stressful and anxious and claustrophobic, but then started searching and at first I thought I was asexual then I found and read a fanfic comic and everyone started commenting that person is an aromatic, which got my attention and started searching about it and now learning more about it!
Psychopaths don't feel emotions like that usally
I wasn't sure if I fit this until I thought about having to romantically interact with people to see if I just haven't met the right person and cringed. I have never liked being in a relationship with people in high school, the second I start dating them I wanted out of it but when I was with them I enjoyed spending time with them and kissing them but damn was I glad when they left. Platonic relationships are my lifeblood. I LOVE my friends with every fiber of my beings and had a honeymoon phase with my roommate on a platonic level and I adore her. It's nice to know I have a word for it now and I don't have to feel bad anymore.
Heck ya! Its so comfortable and validating to know theres others out here like us and nothing wrong with us! I’m so glad you found your way here and found my video helpful! Thats what they’re here for! I thanks for watching and sharing some of your own story
Sooooo freakin goood! Especially what you said abt labels!!
Officially Divinity just offering up my two cents 🤗 glad you approve! 🙌🏽
I believe I’m on the aromatic spectrum- my entire life I’ve found it extremely hard to develop feelings for other people unless I knew them- and even then I can’t distinguish between platonic and romantic feelings.
Same here
Romantic Relationships to me are overrated and I can’t see myself in one because I know it won’t end well. My family thinks Im just a straight single person afraid of commitment, but far from that. I’m actually aro bisexual who values my independence a lot over relationships. Platonic friendships were the only ones I wanted, and I feel that itself should be normalized. Not everyone wants to have a husband/wife and kids
I'm bisexual and have a relatively high libido and it's just annoying. Hooking-up always ends with the other party crying because they develop feelings at some point.
I just want to have fun man, not hurt someone :(
Relatable as hell! It can be quite frustrating 😩
Are we the same person?? No but genuinely it makes me really happy to read this because I feel the exact same and have the same experience
‘No matter how I tried to put myself in the situation. It just did not work for me’. I experienced the exact same. All my partners end up almost being offended that I just don’t like them that way. I do feel attracted but it just doesn’t click. I have always thought there was something wrong with me like I was damaged. People always said I just had commitment issues but it’s not that. I tried so hard and even people I trusted for years it did not work with. This video clearified so much for me. Thankyou
I relate so much! So glad this helped 😊❤️
Oh wow I relate so so much to the autonomy part. And the ‘what do I gain from this, if I give all this up’
I always thought I was just selfish… but if I’m being fully honest with myself, the type of fulfilment I get out of ‘romantic’ bonds I can very easily find within my platonic and friendship bonds also, and there I get it without giving up so much…
It feels validating to hear somebody voice the same things
@@sooso0000 you are not alone my friend!
Honestly the reason it was so hard for me to realize I was aromatic was because of the fact I was not asexual so just finding your channel and reading the titles of the videos has already help me so much
Hell ya! The title is a bit wordy and long but I felt like I needed to get it out there right out front and explicitly so people could find it more easily! Glad you did! 🙌🏽
I don't usually write youtube comments at all, but I just wanted to say I'm so glad I found your channel. Suddenly so many things I felt in past relationships made sense. I have wondered if I am aro before and on an intellectual level I am pretty sure I am, but there is always this voice in my head that tells me "But how can you be sure that is what you're feeling?" and the funniest thing: "You're not actually aro, you just want to be because you don't want to fall in love or be in a relationship!". Anyway, keep up the good work and have a great day! :)
Thanks for watching and hope you’re journey to figuring yourself out is going well! Sorry for the delayed response! ❤️
AT LONG LAST! A VIDEO ABOUT AROMANTICS FOR AROMANTIC BY AN AROMANTIC
WE OUCHEA! 😂🙌🏽
aromanticism is a spectrum and listening to fellow aros and their experiences is VERY important and necessary; especially those who are aromantic allosexual. thank youuu 💚🥰
Hello, did you ever heard about avoidant attachment? What do you think it's difference between being aromanting and having avoidant attachment? because I know some people who have this problem and they are not able to have close relationships because of their childhood etc. so they are able to sleep with someone but they are not having feelings or attachment..but it doesn't has to be permanent state and therapy can help..I would appreciate your point of view..
Hi Hannie, I’d say that people that have avoidant attachment can label as aromantic, but being aromantic doesn’t mean you have avoidant attachment. Like, I consider myself aromantic, but I have 3 best friends that I love so much, I’d go to the ends of the earth for them, and I’m very close with my family. Just because we don’t feel romantic attraction, does not mean we don’t have strong connections. I just honestly cannot see myself doing the kinds of things that romantically paired couples do. I’m 100% happy being single forever, as long as i have strong friendships for support.
I just want to be really good friends with people and I mistook that for crushes
@@randomplaylistshere6616 I feeeeeel you! Haha
I’m definitely 100% neither aro nor ace… but I have a veeery high suspicion a very close person is… xD We had a wonderful start until we got into a much more earnest relationship… and especially I started to have expectations based on my previous relationships and also the way I was brought up and what the “world” (songs, movies, books…) taught me up until that day… and it crumbled while we both tried our hardest to keep it together because we really like each other… I now understand more and more that his need for being independent isn’t cold or a lack of emotion… and it also doesn’t mean that he likes me less… it’s just how he is and what he needs to be happy… and my needs are vastly different… xD it took me a while… lots of counseling, healing, tears, grief and meds to get where I am now… I still think that we can be a very good couple… that we complement each other… he keeps me grounded while I help him to get a little bit out of his shell… ^^ but it’s a lot of work to make such a relationship work… and also other ppl to fulfill my need for closeness, romance and physical touch etc…
Your videos are immensely helpful to get an understanding of this person I so deeply care about… things he cannot express himself but I see him clearly when I listen to you talk…
Also the label part… 😘👌🏼 8:31 A label can help to get a better understanding of ourselves and the ppl around us… but they don’t define us… everything is constantly changing and I think that’s beautiful… we’re still growing and we’ll always will if we don’t stop to be curious and open to the world around us…
@@himbeerfalter omg love this message so much. I appreciate you taking the time to share so much ☺️🙏🏽♥️ glad yall are able to work through stuff and see eachother as you need to be. So happy that what I’ve created has touched you in such a way and been helpful. Warms my lil aro heart haha.
ahhhh i feel heccin silly actually writing this but here i go. i've always been romance repulsed. i hated people seeing me as a girl who liked boys, i always hated dresses or stuff that i felt like made me "weak" (aka, feminine. to clarify tho, i don't think being feminine makes you weak, its just how i viewed myself) the term ace has always been on the edge of my awareness, but aro was completely unheard of. i grew up not really understanding all the ins and outs of the lgbt, and so aro was not even something i thought to look for. but by chance i got an aro meme recommended to me. i was honestly a bit scared to look into it because i've never liked labels (i'm realizing now this was probably because im aro and explaining it to people was just too complicated), but i did and now i've realized that this seems right for me. i've been making tiny steps in becoming comfortable with the term and applying it to myself. i'm lucky to have friends who aren't aphobic and they've been helpful for me becoming comfortable with the idea of being proud (ngl that still terrifies me). i think this video has really helped me push out my doubts about calling myself aro. so, thank you. sorry for rambling and stuff but ye ✌
Lee H no need to feel silly at all! I know those feels all too well. I never thought of myself as needing or wanting labels either as my dating experience seemed “normal enough” except I just never could make a relationship work. Didn’t occur to me there was even a label for me until I found aro but as soon as I found it everything just clicked and I was like yep. That’s me!
So welcome to the club! I’m glad you found my video helpful! Def peep my channel for other videos on the topic and subscribe if you wanna see more as I have more coming! Thanks so much for sharing! ❤️
When you come on RUclips researching a topic to better support your friends but then leave reconsidering your identity....
"...being told you're a robot, you're emotionless, you're broken..." parsphrasing the video, but oof, right in my lived experience.
First of all, thank you for posting this on RUclips, being one of the 7 aro channels lol. It helped me a lot
So happy to hear it helped! I love people figuring out who they are and what they want and how to live their life accordingly. Thanks so much for watching and sharing your story! predicate you
Hm hi i actually think i’m living something similar and i really need to talk , could we chat for a bit? Only if is okay of course
I love it, thank you! But I don't think I agree that the label should be based on your behavior up to this point. Lots of aros have been in supposedly romantic relationships for various reasons. I never understood the difference between the love an affection I felt with a best friend I have sex with and that of a romantic interest. Which I now realize is because I don't experience the latter. I have had a couple of committed partners over the years before I figured it out. People I cared for very much and was attached to and liked having sex with. But the constant presence and obligation and restriction and lack of privacy, independence and solitude were always incredibly and increasingly frustraing for me until I couldn't take it or them anymore. Now I have a best friend(with benefits) I see a couple times a week usually and its the healthiest and happiest I have ever been in any kind of relationship. I don't want any more and neither do they. It's perfect
Perhaps I misspoke in the video, I didnt necessarily mean your behavior up to this point, but more your feelings up to this point. I know many of us try for many years to fit into boxes we aren’t meant for so I didn’t mean that part but more a label should be representative of your true feelings up to this point.
Totally relate to the rest of your message tho and love that you’ve found what you’re looking for! I appreciate you watching and bringing up that point! Thanks so much for sharing!
I've always found I've been more excited to hang out with friends instead of my boyfriend. Guess I know the reason is why I didn't want to constantly perform as romantic for him.
I feel you. It can be hard trying to maintain relationships that just don’t realy suit us. Glad you’re able to understand yourself better now. Thanks for watching and commenting 🙏🏽❤️
I don't think I need the checklist honestly. The fact that I was internally screaming while kicking my legs in the air while listening to your experiences of being romantically repulsed is a clear proof that I am, indeed, aromantic. I've never felt so understood. 💖
Haha sometimes it just clicks and it’s honestly such a blessing. I see some that I think probably are aro but not romantic repulsed so it’s harder for them to really accept that their aro and that must be so confusing and frustrating and even maybe sad when they do accept it cuz they’ve closer to being able to do all that stuff and maybe they wanted to but can’t.
As for me, As soon as I knew about all this i too was like YESSSS! That’s it! That’s me! Huzzah! Haha
Thanks for watching and sharing some love! ❤️
I personally don’t really want to be in a relationship, I just wanna have a best friend/roommate for life so I’m not alone lol
@@ArsenicJellyfish companionship Is not the same as romantic attraction. Many of us want companionship ❤️ I feel you for sure!
Okay, this video? A mood. This quarantine's quest started with me breaking up with someone I was supposed to feel incredibly happy to be dating, but wasn't. We started a relationship after having a couple dates almost a decade ago, and meeting again, despite him currently living in another country. While he was here, the mix of a friend I'd missed with... Well, sex, meant I was pretty okay. When he left, I just started getting so annoyed at the need to talk all the time, the mandatory dates, feeling bad for not really missing him: everything was wrong. Months passed, he visited for another week, and the "person I don't see + sex" combo worked again (though not in the same level; I got very annoyed with having someone around all the time). But trying to be romantic, dealing with his feelings, and managing the quarantine was too much. So, a few months ago, after breaking up, I started considering that maybe I'm not bi, after all. Maybe I'm a lesbian.
* Sees hot guy walking his dog*
Nope, definitely not a lesbian. Back to the drawing board...
---
I've read ace people talking about being sex-repulsed, but the idea of being romance-repulsed is new, and feels like another "huh, that explains a lot" moment. Also, your equations analogy? Yep. No relationship ever made sense without trying to put them in logical terms.
Haha it’s always so crazy to me when now hearing people explain exactly how I’ve felt in situations like this becuase for so long I thought it was just a weird thing about me. So validating. Glad you watched bad the video helped and thanks for sharing your own experience! Hope your self exploration journey is going well! ❤️
Thank you for this!
Feels good to hear that there are other people like me who are on the extreme aro spectrum. I am unsure if I think this way because I am relatively young (19), but I have never had any desire to have a romantic relationship. I've dated two guys, but I recently realised that I dated them because I found them and their achievements and goals interesting/appealing/admirable.
I have created an ideal - I wanna have a family (with one or two children) without the romance in it. Like a purely respect and admiration based relationship with sexual benefits, but no love confessions or romance. Two independent people focusing on their careers and personal life other than dedicating their love and time to someone. It just seems so efficient and perfect to me!
Also I really liked what you said about "relationships being like equations"!
Sounds like you have a pretty good understanding of yourself and what you want from life! I’m actually of a very similar mind set. I’m currently in a Queer Platonic Relationship (QPR) with a friend of mine where we’re basically doing exactly that. We both want kids and we like hooking up with eachother but otherwise are completely just friends living our lives separately. We support eachother as friends and stuff but otherwise are totally individuals still with no romantic aspect to our dynamic at all. (She’s aro as well). Its been a year so far and its been great! So your goal is 100% attainable just do your best to decipher your wants / needs / limitations for a relationship and clearly communicate them with anyone youd be interested in doing this with! Thanks so much for watching and commenting! Love to hear from likeminded folks
@@nikhampshire wow, thank you for the encouragement! An ideal like this to me seems unrealistic, but i am happy and surprised that relationships like this exist and can be successfully executed! How did you meet your friend/partner? I live in a country where people can be emotionally and sexually repressed so finding someone with a similar idea of a family to me seems impossible. I think finding a person like that would be more similar online, right?
Thank you for your time and response, definitely a sub from me!
*"You're allowed to grow. You're allowed a better understanding of yourself."* (10:07) mannn that line might make me cry
Aww I’m glad you felt it because it’s definitely important. People get so worried about using the wrong label as if there’s some kind of punishment if you’re caught doing so haha. It’s no big deal. We grow and better understand ourselves and can even change. Do whatever helps you on your journey. So long as it doesn’t hurt others you can’t do wrong ❤️
I related a lot when u talked about idependence and autonomy
Because i never see myself giving up those things and never understood why people give it up
Im loving ur videos and its helping me a lot figuring everything out
So glad to hear you find the videos helpful! Thanks for showing some love! Really means a lot! ❤️
Im so glad i found this. Most video.s i saw connected aro to asexuality, as a part of it. And while thats maybe more common, it is just definetly not the case for everyone.
Yea it was important to me to speak specifically to this experience because its true to my story and I feel like that story is hardly ever discussed and I think theres clearly a lot of us out there! Thanks so much for watching! I’m glad you connected! Make sure to sub if you wanna see more videos on the topic! More to come
And that is hard, because being this way, and having a relationship not work because of it, they look at you like you're incredibly selfish, and how dare you leave because of something like boring sex or whatever
Supurb job explaining what it's like being aromantic. Great video! 💯💯💯💯
Thanks so much bro!
This video was so helpful for me in embracing my aromanticism ❤
Ayyy! Love to hear it! That’s why I made them! Thanks for watching and leaving some love!
As soon as you went “ho-ly shit!” After finding out about aromanticism. Subscribed. That sold it LMAO.
Haha just tellin my truth! Thanks for the sub! More great content on the way
@@nikhampshire You’re very welcome! Can’t wait to see more content from you!
AroAllo pride! :D
Thank you for sharing your experiences!! Somehow the way you describe being Aro always makes so much sense and it's helped me a lot figure out my own Aro feelings :)
Josephine Vander Klay love to hear this! I’m lucky to have a pretty keen skill of expressing myself so it’s been really rewarding to be able to put words to these thoughts and emotions for myself and for others! I’m so pleased that so many feel represented and find guidance or connection thru these videos! Thanks for watching and sharing! ❤️
It's 4am, haven't been able to close my eyes since I had that realization moment. I've always felt so bad about all my relationships because there was just something missing, I loved and cared for them all so much but it always ended in disaster because I could never live up to their expectations. Turns out I'm just fully incapable of such things and I've never been this happy because I finally know.
When I finally figured it out (yes I got those are you gay questions too, still do) about Aromantic. I was the same. I said well there is my question! I can go on a massive tangent on reasons that will trump people saying but the sex is good. I can beat all that with reasons why I do not want any of that; the sex, the love, the company, the relationship. I have tried relationships in the past. But I was too young to understand it. So it does not count really. I can keep going, but too much to type.
All very relatable. It was so wild to me that others were sharing my experience because for most of my life, in the regard of dating and stuff, I just was so alone. Like I wasn’t ace. But I couldn’t do relationships and I didnt know why (but I also didnt care too much). Learning about aro and meeting others who shared the same experience was and still is so crazy to me haha. We’re in good company
The part where you talked about not getting past a certain stage is very accurate to me. I don't feel things or attraction and there were days I didn't want to do cute things like holding hands or cuddling which I felt repulsed. I didn't hate her and I love her but I loved her like my friend. Everything else building up to dating and dating for like 3 months works but it crumbles or I feel like I'm forcing myself to be in a relationship because that's what's expected of me. I don't mind sex or having a sexual partner but I don't want to be in a relationship and if that person wants to step back then that's fine with me without any hard feelings. I just can never reciprocate the love back or the feelings people seem to have for me. I found out I was aromantic 2 years ago and honestly I'm glad I feel like I understand myself but I have nobody to talk to about it because everyone doesn't get it or tells me I'm being overdramatic which sucks to hear.
I think I'm aromantic but I've never been in a relationship so I'm not certain. As far as independence/autonomy goes, no one could ever make me give that up, point blank period 😬 BUT I would love to share my world with someone else and vice versa.
Life is so confusing who even am I
Thank you so much for the video, I'm 21 year old now and i have never dated anyone because i never felt interested in trying, all people think i'm just not mature enough so even I think something is wrong with me, but now I know that's not wrong at all ❤️
Nothing is wrong! Just live you’re life! Thanks for watching and sharing sum luv!
Thank you so much for this. I’ve been having really complex feelings recently about past relationships and about my current partner and the idea of being aro really helps put everything into perspective and feels like a much clearer lens for it all.
Similar to some other comments I’ve read here, I think I’ve chronically confused platonic love/like with romantic love. I’ve also struggled with enjoying being loved and confusing the enjoyment of that feeling for some sort or reciprocal romantic love on my end of things. I’m currently dating a wonderful person that fits into my life really well and objectively has just about every quality I ever thought I’d want in a romantic partner, but the longer the relationship goes on the more disinterested and stressed I become. Instead of growing closer I find myself pushing away and finding the “maintenance” of the relationship exhausting. Like work without much benefit. Which is how every romantic relationship I’ve had ultimately feels like. Sometimes it takes longer for me to get to that point, but I always get there. I always feel like I’m trapped with an overly dependent roommate that wants/needs too much of my time and energy and I freak out and leave. I’m beginning to realize that all of that might very well be an aro experience.
Also, I think I’ve primarily (and accidentally) gotten into romantic relationships because I just really enjoy sex and like having a consistent source of it... which is definitely not a usual “romantic” thing to do, I think. Friends have never understood why I get into relationships or stay with the people I’ve dated and I think it’s because, in my head, I’m not even really dating them. Also HATE having to be public about romantic relationships, which partners always expect. Just hate it.
Anyway, there’s my novel I hope you enjoyed it 🙃
Thanks so much for watching and sharing your experience. I can definitely relate across the board. It can be confusing and frustrating at times but hopefully it’s getting easier as you find the right labels and hopefully find more compatible partners that are looking for what it is you have to offer! ❤️
when you described your feelings about being in relationships and feeling tethered down I FELT THAT. I'm super romantically repulsed and I've always chalked it up to having "commitment issues" and at one point I asked myself if I was a sociopath since I never felt like I was connected in the same way when I tried to date people. I never felt like I was on the same level as my past partners in terms of "love".
Love isn't a word that connects with me at all and I don't like it when people say "I love you" unless they're a close member of my family (like my parents.) Thank you for helping me confirm my identity.
I'm definitely somewhere on the aromantic spectrum because I hardly ever experience any kind of romantic attraction, and whenever I do, it may just be platonic only, you know? Technically speaking I'm heterosexual, in the rare instance someone actually does pique my interest, but it's not so much a desire for romance as much as a platonic interest, just wanting to talk to them and hang out with them as friends, with no added pressure of romance or sex. I think I may be a blend of grey/demi/lithro. I was always either interested in men who weren't interested in me or the other way around but never a mutual interest, or at least not a very long one. Also, pretty much every "crush" I thought I had was while I had this erroneous assumption that I need to find my true love, get married, and have a family in order to be truly happy. But then one day in 2016, after a heart to heart with some good friends, I realized that such things are luxuries rather than necessities. This was my first of two epiphanies. I felt a huge sense of relief knowing that I am under no obligation whatsoever to actively pursue a romantic relationship simply for its own sake. I decided that if I just happened to meet someone I really like "in the normal course of business", I'll try to get to know them better (platonically) and see what happens. The vast majority of dates I've been on I've actually dreaded a lot beforehand!! I was not really "attracted" to any of them but just going through the motions of a date, and was terrified of commitment. I couldn't figure out why I was never interested in anyone in that way until a year ago when I had my second epiphany: the concept of aromanticism. After 41 years on this planet, I found the answer to all these thoughts and feelings that seemed so different from those of most people. That doesn't necessarily mean that I won't ever find that "true love" one day, but lets just say that I am perfectly content without it.
However, I do enjoy romantic fiction immensely. I guess I just love the idea and fantasies about romance but don't really have the energy or patience to deal with the reality of it, especially if I don't have as much capacity for romantic love in the first place.
Thank you for posting this video! I'm glad to find a community of people who are in the same boat as I am.
Thanks so much for watching and sharing your experience. One of my favorite things about doing this is finding the and even adding to the community here so I’m stoked when people share and engage so thank you!
I'm 27, I've never been to a romantic relationship. I never tried to. I don't want to. I don't believe in marriage.
I really love your hair and energy.
It was interesting hearing your side.
This is INCREDIBLE. Everything that you said is exactly how I feel. First time I’ve heard the term “romantic repulsed” and it resonates so strongly. So happy to have found this. Thank YOU! 🙌🏻
It’s such an aggressive term… but extremely accurate haha. Glad I could help! Sorry for the late response! Hope your doing well! ❤️
Thank You for helping me. I just thought I never found the right girl. Then after being made fun of at work for not being in a relationship for the 300ith time. I started to wonder b/c I never care about being romantic with people. I realize I never had a crush ever in high school, college, or at work.
I feel like I'll never figure out if I'm aro or not... I've had many crushes in the past, which literally points in the opposite direction of being aro, but lately, I've started noticing a pattern; all the people I develop a crush on are unattainable people I have no chance with, and I'm sort of okay with that. By crushing on them without ever getting into a serious relationship with them, I get to experience all that excitement and thrill that comes with having a crush, and, I don't know, it sort of just makes life more interesting? I get to feel like a person who is alive and capable of feeling romantic love. Getting togethet with my crushes scares the crap out of me, not to mention those few instances where I was the crush of someone else. Of course, I tried to talk myself into trying it out with them to know what it's like and if I'm even suitable for having a relationship, but I just couldn't. I was on two dates with two different people, and in both cases, the best part was finally getting home.
I don't wanna try dating again because if I get the urge to flee again, I'll just hurt someone.
I’ve enjoyed all your videos on these topics! Thank you for reaching out and putting your own experiences out there. I really liked what you said about labels as it can be applied pretty universally to all sorts of labels. I know I am always looking for just the right label and have to remember that they are tools and not to stress too much about it, even though finding that language and community is always awesome. Side note~ I really love your rings and bracelets, where do you get your jewelry from?
Thanks so much for watching and the feedback! Best of luck on your label journey! And my rings I collect in my travels. The only company I actually got some of these pieces from is clocks and colours!
Uff I wish we could sit at a bar and talk. I've never talked to another Aro in person. Listening to this I'm realizing how much I miss that.
This video was very helpful! Thank you so much! Recently, I've been entertaining the idea that I might be aromantic, it just feels right to me! I'm a 31-year-old, cis, gay guy that hasn't had a romantic relationship, it's just sooooo hard for me to connect with people romantically. I do have very meaningful and fulfilling platonic relationships that make my life WONDERFUL. I also want to add that I have a secure/avoidant attachment style, so, sometimes I wonder if it's just my avoidant style acting out or if I have "commitment issues" that I have to "fix", but I don't want to "fix myself" just to subscribe to societal expectations. Also, why do we need to have a hierarchy for love? Why are romantic relationships more important than platonic ones?! I'm sooooo happy that we're discussing these topics! Loving all the comments!
So glad you found my videos and found them helpful. These are definitely important conversations to be had and I’m glad to help in my own way to gettin into them! I really appreciate you taking time to watch and comment!
So I've come to the conclusion that I'm in the aroace spectrum, while the asexual part doesn't bug me, the aromantic part is. I'm sure it's the pressure of needing to be in a relationship with someone that might make me want to pursue a relationship and me being smart enough not to try and rush anything.
The thought of being alone scares me, I want that closeness of a romantic relationship but I feel so disconnected from everyone and everything. I've been talking to my therapist about that and I still don't know if I'm completely aromantic but every time I think about it, I get depressed. But I disconnect not only from a romantic standpoint but just like with friendships, though one thing is for sure. I've always hated the idea of being a "housewife" and that made me think "aha, I'm gay and Nonbinary" but I might just hate the idea of a traditional relationship.
Something I'd be willing to look into is like... Poly relationships? Maybe in the future, but I'm trying not to focus on it too much since it depresses me.
Sidenote.. it would be so cool to have some kind of... Community? A way to interact with the other people who follow your channel, cause from what I've looked at, there's no like.. aromantic "groups" that I've seen, I'd love to be able to talk to people similar to me, your channel has started to become a safe space for me to think about where my romantic and sexual identity lies
Yea all this stuff can definitely be confusing but it sounds like youre putting in some good work to figure it out for yourself which is awesome. Like I always say, we all need to figure out our wants, needs and limitations and the only way to figure that out is to just go out there and try stuff out. Definitely only pursue what you want to do and dont do anything because its expected of you. Just do your best to do what works for you (as long as its not at the expense of others of course) and always communicate honestly and openly with any potential or actual partners. Poly relationship could work for some aro’s for sure!
So you’re very welcome to use my channel to talk amongst each other. If you have fb I’m in a few groups. One’s called “happily aromantic” ones called “aromantic talk” and ones called “aromantic non-asexuals”
Thanks so much for watching and sharing your experience! Def follow if you’re not to see more content on the way!
Hey ik this is late but u can be aro and want a "relationship" people in the aro community have a term called Qu33r Platonic Partners where its essentially the aro version of a relationship, like a really deep friendship and even partaking in 'romantic gestures' like huffing and kissing your partner but it's on the deeper level
@@amemelia yeah! im actually in a partnership now! we're almostngonna he together for three months :)
The description of aro and the discussion of labels just made this video SO VALIDATING. Thanks for this video 🥳🥳🥳
Thank you for watching and saying so! ❤️❤️❤️
Honestly, the biggest thing that helped me was the fact that I realized that I never felt any romantic connection to my partners and they just felt like elevated friends. I had a great time with them but I felt uncomfortable whenever we tried romantic stuff. A thing that hindered me from realizing I was aromantic was how the "am I a lesbian" videos described clues for being lesbians cause it was all "you don't find men hot" or "you don't like men" and that just made me feel like my lack of romantic attraction to men automatically made me gay. I knew I was sexually attracted to women cause I made my Barbies make out but I was uncomfortable dating women. It's really hard being an aromantic allosexual lol.
It can definitely be tough to parse through everything! Hope your journey for self exploration is goin well! Sorry for the delayed response but thanks for watching and commenting! ❤️
I was about 80% sure that I was aromantic but not asexual going into this video. Now I'm completely sure👍
Ayyy! Welcome haha. Thanks for watching and leaving some love!
Expands to this… I started to feel like I have desire to connect to others but I don’t have ability to do so.. lol…..😅😅 To me, I talk to others to suit their needs to talk to me, making them feel good.. I do want to feel comfortable around others but I never do, I also have a social anxiety because of this… I feel like I have an artificial desire to talk to others (it gives me dopamine release sometimes, only because I can show off my characteristics and meet interesting people - who proves that I might not be so weird). I like to watch heart-warming dramas to learn how these connection feels, but I feel the massive gap between it and the reality..
I def can agree with not feeling like my experience aligns with others and living vicariously through tv and movies haha. Thanks for sharing!
I kind of think hippy guys like this as so hot. I'm probably too straightlaced for them. It's a nice fantasy
I've tried to be in romantic relationships before, but none of them lasted for more than a month. I just got bored and lost the feelings I thought I had for people. Especially when they got so emotional and sappy! I just left as quick as I came. Do you think I could be on the aromantic spectrum?
Sounds very much like my own experience. Something to consider for sure.
This was a good listen too. I dont think i am aromantic but i have been wondering. But im propably pretty close too beeing aromantic. like......idk 80%?
This is kinda interesting. I share the feelings you described with a relationship I had last year, but then again I feel like it was just a bad relationship for me…
Imma keep this in mind for future relationships I might have 😅
Both could be true. You could be aromantic and be in a partnership that doesn’t work for you. As an aromantic person, if you aren’t romantic repulsed you could potentially do a traditional monogamous relationship, you just wouldn’t feel those emotional romantic highs and attraction. If you are romantic repulsed you could find partners that don’t require those things from you you can’t do. It’s all about compatibility. Hope you’re journey is going well! Thanks for watching and commenting!
I always called myself an anti romantic because i thought i just hated cheesy stuff and didnt quite know what aromantism was. I was always unconfortable in relationships but i didnt think too much of it until i was in a proper date when i turned 20. I just wanted to leave and after the date, when i thought back to it i was disgusted. I would scrunch my nose without realising. And i felt really guilty because i thought i should like that person and It had everything to go right but it just didnt feel right. To be honest, im still confused and dont know if im aro, but when i write it like this it pretty much seems like i am, lol
Definitely seems likely! Haha thanks for watching and hope you found it helpful ♥️Preciate you sharing!
So I like the idea of romance.
I want to have a connection, but when and if it actually comes to that, it’s like nope.
I don’t have any “feelings” when it comes to that. Like literally nothing, I feel empty.
I have no desire to actually participate in a relationship and I feel like I’m broken.
So does that qualify as aromantic?
On a side note I do feel sexual attraction, but the idea of doing the deed is not something I want. I like the concept of asexual, but I can’t be cause it means “little to no sexual attraction,” not strictly “I don’t wanna have sex or kiss ever.”
Sounds very aroace to me. I also think the idea of romance sounds swell but in practice it simply doesn’t work for me. I just don’t feel those feelings.
And if you don’t want to have sex or kiss that sounds ace. Like ace people still get horny and this desire an orgasm for instance or even like we both feel about romance, seems like a cool concept but if your not sexually attracted to a person and want to act on that with them I think that sounds ace. If you only want to do that stuff in your head and not practically then I think that’s ace.
@@nikhampshire
I checked out the rest of your videos,
And Christ. That’s how I feel, and I, like you said some felt, thought I was just fucked up. So that’s a small weight off my shoulders at least. You have another subscriber :)
@@theredalpha7290 aayyy! Thanks for taking the time to watch! So glad they were helpful! ♥️
god this would have been so helpful if I found it when I was first questioning my identity. Really glad you made this and it helped to reaffirm many of the things that I've felt and experienced.
Side note, one of the things I struggled with that has been recontextualized as aromantic is the fact that romantic subplots are hard for me to spot and when I do spot them, usually I'm really annoyed at it for existing. Part of it could be becuase of bad writing, but I'm wondering if this is an experience that other aro people have experienced.
I feel you about romantic subplots. My thing is, if they have actual chemistry and it actually fits in the story then cool. But if it’s just trite bullshit that’s just put in for no reason then I hate it lol.
So happy to hear you found my video helpful! Thanks so much for watching and sharing a little of your experience! 🙌🏽
I feel sexual attraction but like to be with someone seems like ehhh
One thing that might help ppl is knowing the 5 types of attraction (we know of). Cus so many things csn just makr sense if learn the other 2 you may not know, but without farther ado here are some very simple explanations of the attractions:
Sexual Attraction, wanting to have sex with someone
Romantic Attraction, wanting to date someone
Platonic Attraction, wanting to make friends with someone
Aesthetic Attraction, wanting to look at someone
Sensual Attraction, wanting to touch someone.
Knowing the latter 2 can really help to understand yourself, like you may wonder "why do I think they're so beautiful yet I don't want to date or have sex with them?"
oh thank god, I'm not a weirdo or a heartless, I'm just aro. that sounds heartwarming to me, thx for making this video.
Always love to see messages like this ☺️♥️
Same, I was struggling with not feeling the romantic heart flutters or being obsessed with someone in a romantic sense
Not sure if I’m aromatic, I have a girlfriend currently and I like her but our relationship is more like a friendship with a little bit more steps. I find it uncomfortable and hard to hug her compared to just hugging my friends, it took me 4 months for us to actually kiss and hold her hand. I find it weird holding her hand but for some reason I’m okay with just cuddling with her. Before she confessed to me I never even thought about being in a relationship and i still question why I got with her because I really liked her as a friend but never considered a relationship with her. Not sure if I’m aromatic or something else
Sounds very aromantic to me. When things like a relationship never occur to you, it sounds very aro. I always say our brains are missing the romantic folder so things get sorted into different parts in our brain. So kissing and holding hands dont feel romantic or even friendly cuz you wouldn’t do that with your friends so it feels uncomfortable. And It sounds like youre romantic repulsed as well so when you hug friends its not romantic so its no problem but when you hug your partner, because your in a relationship it can feel romantic which then feels repulsive. So I obviously can’t say definitively but from what you’ve posted here you sound very aro to me. Might be worth thinking on and having a convo with your partner. Aro people CAN still do relationships but its important to know your wants/needs/limitations so you can maintain your boundaries and get what you need out of the relationship. So let your partner know what feels uncomfortable and you dont want and see If yall can find a good balance where both y’all’s needs are met comfortably. If you cant then perhaps going back to friends would be best. Just something to consider! Hope this has helped some! Keep me posted! Thanks so much for watching and sharing! Def subscribe if you care to see more content like this
@@nikhampshire thank you, this helped me a lot!
@@yeaidk2276 love to hear it!
Wait, you "gain" something by being in a relationship bc of the fullfilling experience? I am truly aromantic.
Hahaha right. Like the realization that other people are experiencing things you are not is like “woh wait… ok I think there’s something different going on with me” haha. Thanks for watching!
New into a relationship, they do make me feel warm and nervous and such, but could I be feeling that without feeling romance? Because after my head clears, and the hyperfocus ends, I get really bored with it and always seem to feel like friends with them.
So I kinda get a honeymoon phase, but that could be adhd related or sexual attraction-related
Oh my god, I get the equation thing I think, holy shit. And I always reach a progress wall.
also having atheory there are a greater percentage of ADHD'er here. Doesn't matter though, since none of the two are mutually exclusive and or mutually inclusive.
Thanks for the great video! Was great to hear aromanticism talked about without being conflated with asexuality and without putting the pressure that this is a label that needs to be committed to for life. Makes me a lot more comfortable using the label for myself
Love to hear this! Thanks so much for watching and sharing some luv! Really appreciate hearing other peoples experience especially when they found what I made helpful! ❤️
Thank you for sharing your experience, this is really helpful to people who are looking for more info on the subject.
I'm getting to the conclusion I'm aro, it just makes a lot of sense. I felt broken and alien, as not being asexual, I feel atracted to other people but not in a romantic way.
I also start things, it's all good and nice, but soon after the simple thought of dating, doing stuff together all the time and getting married terrifies me. I just hate velentine's day and get anxious whenever I'm in a relationship and the time to show your love is close, but I was never able to understand why.
I've been through therapy to understand why I'm the way I am, but I always hit a wall and can't progress, now seeing more about aros, I feel better, honestly, it's like my mind was opened to something I couldn't see before, seems easier to handle my feelings and face the issues I've had for so many years.
The other thing that happens, as a male, is that people tend to label you as a "player" who just wants to sleep around, but it's not that simple, it's the connection that's missing and it even hurts most of the time, because you're led to believe that something is wrong with you, when it's just the way you feel things that's different from the norm.
I always used to think that I was just super pessimistic about relationships and that there was no point getting in one because highschool relationships don't tend to last. I'm still not sure if I am Aro, but this is helping me try and sort out my identity
So glad you found this helpful! Sorry for the delayed response but I hope your self exploration journey is going well! ❤️
Man, thank you so much for these videos. I've just recently realized that I'm probably aromantic (while not asexual, haha!) and these talks are so helpful. Keep up the good work! And thank you so much once more.
I’m just so glad people are seeing them and they’re actually being helpful for people. It’s so validating and rewarding to see folks connecting and emotionally moved in such a way and hopefully improve their own lives from these. Thanks for watching and sharing some love! ❤️