How Fearful Avoidant Men Fall In Love ~ THIS MUST HAPPEN!
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- Опубликовано: 18 окт 2024
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Are you familiar with love attachment styles?
This is the study of how we bond emotionally with another based on how we were raised by our parents between the ages of birth and around 7 to 12 years old.
This is a class of men and women called avoidant and they so deeply want love and are also deeply afraid of attachment, and some are known as fearful avoidants.
In today's video, we are going to explore the DEEPER conversation about fearful-avoidant men and how they lean into love.
Let's talk about... How Fearful Avoidant Men Fall In Love ~ THIS MUST HAPPEN!
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@@dorisefischbach8409 M
I am deeply sorry for your loss, Jonathon.
Thank you for this video. 🙏
@@DiscoveryWonders thank you kindly... 🙏
Thx Still Moving Forward This Dec Gonna Be Chilly Thx For Big Bear Hug ♥️Appreciate U 💔💕TAKE CARE 📸👌
I think an avoidant can change their tendencies through just simply showing them secure, safe and unconditional love. And he’s right to love yourself.
This isn’t being a people pleaser or bend over backwards for them. I’ve been with my avoidant for 14 years now. When I met him I was hovering in the anxious attachment and secure attachment line. We really connected on a level like no other so I never had to be overly clingy or needy with him. In fact, if I started showing any signs of that, I noticed immediately it would push him away. I really had to manage my own emotions, be secure in myself, maintain my sense of independence and recognize when he needed space. We have never broken up or had a back n forth ordeal. It’s been stable and forward ever since. He hasn’t always been transparent and open but wow the transformation that he made is incredible. I just kept showing msyelf love and made myself responsible for how I feel. I didn’t give him the weight or responsibility of managing my emotions on top of his. Especially since he doesn’t do well managing his own. It has worked so well for us
Gotcha
Why are you lying on Beyoncés internet like this?
@@justinejackson1409 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
They make you change your own attachment style to avoidant as well
Seems like most guys need a humbling event in their lives to finally begin to realize that they are mere mortals, and that the woman in front of them is actually pretty amazing.
Agreed most avoidant men are quite arrogant
Most men are arrogant? You must be chasing the top 10% of men then. And yes the top 10% is arrogant because they have their choice of the women. It’s your own bad choices that put you with arrogant men.
@@nazkadellamorte I don’t think that person was a top 10%, possibly more avoidant, and maybe even a little bit narcissistic. My ignorance of the truth of personality disorders made that possible. Anyways, lesson learned. Thanks for your input.
It's why so many cultures have some sort of rite of passage for men (oftentimes women too). Interesting to see that Western culture doesn't really have one, and that's where dating seems to be the most problematic!
@@nazkadellamorte a lot of men are socialised to be misogynistic to women sadly. It's the way society and cultures have been for centuries.
Do not waste time on these men, they are not necessary bad men but it's not your job to fix them, even if you want you cannot. Trying to help them is like talking to a wall, they need to do it themselves
I found that out the hard way.
Yes they do need to do it themselves
@@wendyburgess2962 me too but as the time passes by it gets easier!
@@wendyburgess2962 same here....
@@wendyburgess2962 yes, but sometimes they try to convince you that it is your job to fix them
100% TRUE. took him nearly 2 years of dating to decide or say I love you. The humbling event ? I was in a car accident . I ended up ok but he came to the scene and later told me it was really traumatic for him. also that in that moment he had to confront how strong his feelings were for me . nothing i could have ever planned obviously or predicted. but it def shifted our dynamic completely in a good way.
Amazing you got together, more connected. I said “I love you” to my gf too late, didn’t connect with her on a deeper level, just being kind of satisfied with a minimum, while didn’t notice that it wasn’t enough for her. She left me, and now, I would give everything to get her back!
After 19th months of pure fun, enjoying present moments & amazing memories, my bf went silent after V-day...wth...2 weeks later came back with the most venerable, heartfelt letter of love and compassion and admitted he wanted "assistance" moving forward as he never, ever expected to be in this kind of involved, committed relationship...at my age, I think it,s worth the effort...going forward slowly.
Lol~ RUN & meet the LTR...
@@kimgordon3695 Interesting side note...he self sabotage d too many times...I did RUN about 2 months later!
So this silence was a troubling factor that actually was a warning sign? Jonathon has a video saying we should run from men who go silent all of a sudden, because it’s a sign they are still immature , and go to child mode when they need that distance ( because they don’t know a different way of regulating themselves I.e. don’t have the tools for a relationship) . It’s really horrible when someone ghosts. A person I met a month ago, also is ghosting me now , after I opened up about having emotions about him. It’s the first time I have felt so close to someone and admired him too, and he also verified that we had a huge qualitative connection but I guess he is not mature enough to appreciate it or value it. Or he is just not that into me, as the movie a friend suggested I should see…
@@maryblue75 So I broke up w/ this guy...he really wasn,t able to communicate & In value my time & self too much. I guess he,s just a hermit sitting in his head...I have no time for that!
@@maryblue75 If hes running now, what ha
will occur when the real big things in life occur? I think people have a right to take time to contemplate a relationship. Its how they do it is what matters. Ghosting & not being upfront is not right...People need to treat people the way they would like to be tteated.
Humbling Events = The lowest point = Spiritual Awakening = Self Inquiry.
I am now 💯 percent convinced now that you will find the love of your life when you are not looking for it. Anxious, desperate energy is felt by others and repels people.
That's rubbish. I've been "not looking for it" for years
I’ve had this experience. It’s sad but life is short and no one has the time to wait for them to get their shit together. Even when you see wonderful things in them, their wounds, fears & anxieties prevent them from seeing those things in themselves. You can’t help/save them, they need to do the emotional work themselves before they’ll ever be ready for anything whole. 10 years for you? Yikes!!
Going through this right now. I left him after almost a year. I loved him so much (still do) but he can’t go the distance with me. Our souls are on different levels right now. I wish I could have loved him like I wanted to. But unfortunately he finds no real value in my love because he hasn’t learned to love himself yet. It’s sad. I love him ( and he says he loves me and wants a relationship) but he can’t feel it or accept my love enough to feel safe. Enough to stop doing damage to us through lies and silent treatments. I can’t stay through that or I won’t love myself anymore. It’s true misery.
@@Gem3237 I feel you Theresa.. Every your word.. I hope time will heal us... Yes... We need to use advices from this video next times..
So true! The one I've been involved with recently had a serious health issue, then his mother died (momma's boy), I supported him through both even when before he asked sometimes and still he cannot appreciate my value
instead they say why or just say something
usually they are scared, have financial problems and have diffeent lifestyle, no enough maturity for mature relationships and thats why they ran after few month of passion and big love, and many words
I grew up watching this movie with my dad-I love that you used this example!
The first man I was interested in after my divorce was fearful-avoidant. I had no idea about this type at the time. The push away crushed me.
Fast forward 3 years later-Healed past trauma, learning what I want, and how to vet! Love your videos!❤️
What movie??
@@risingjustice an Officer and a Gentleman 😊
I’ve experienced this completely for myself after trauma 3yrs ago... this isn’t something we can teach others unfortunately, everyone has to find their own “humbling” experience. I called it “rock bottom” back then. Having this change of attitude is also what made me get through 2020 even better than I expected! Grateful everyday for the changes and putting self first... 🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽
Exactly 👍💯🙏
Yes. Absolutely agree
This seems to go in circles non-stop... men and women have and need to heal. Men and women have attachment issues that need be addressed, acknowledged and healed before going out there!
I have a very heavy heart everytime i listen to these videos... then there is this fear to face our own vulnerability, when in fact that is the place where strength is found. Sending love to all! ❤
So we have to basically wait for a humbling event to happen? I’m good. I don’t think he’s capable of recognizing a humbling event if it smacked him across the face. Too much work. Time to focus on myself!
Lol thanks for this comment saved me from waiting to watching the video no no no ....no point in waiting for someone to have a humbling event
😂
Attached was given to me by someone that was avoidant. One of the best books I've read on my journey.
It was an avoidant that suggested I get therapy where I discovered all of this. Did he get therapy? Nope. 😂😂😂
Great book! I wish I read it years ago. It would save me so much time and energy...
Don’t you love it how they think you are the problem. My avoidant ex recommended therapy to me. I went and he never did. Bastard!
It's helped me tons. Our relationship is so much better now ❤
Just went through this with a fearful avoidant. We're in our 50s going through divorce. He had a lot of trauma in his life, including losing his oldest daughter at age 6. He opened up to me like he had never done with anyone, according to him. Then he started pulling away. My anxious attachment kicked in and I tried harder. We ended about 5 weeks ago. I've never felt physical, unconditional love like I felt with him. I've read Attached and done a lot of self development. I want to feel that way again. I see avoidance on a continuum now. He was very extreme. Im willing to work with some avoidance to have the passion. Just not that dysfunctional. Thanks for your great videos!!
This drawing closer and pushing you away create a vicious circle and is toxic. You must be careful not to become a fearful avoidend as well the longer you deal with him. What you feel ist not love. These up's and down's are like a rollercoaster full of Dopamin that creates love-addiction and co-dependency. You can't rescue him. Look by yourself. Ask yourself for hidden beliefs e.g. like why I have to fight for love or is there maybe a passive fear of commitment in me. Furthermore why are you choosing a man who is not choosing you? Sorry for my English, but this is not my native language.
I'm starting to think that the happiest, healthiest relationship is NO RELATIONSHIP- just stay single and you'll never get hurt.
Why are relationships today so damned complicated????
If anyone should be screwed up from f.cked up relationships, it should be me.
The last one ended 3 months ago with a ghosting. I thought we had a really nice connection, things flowed easily, then after all his declarations of love and commitment, he suddenly became Casper the Unfriendly Ghost.
One before him i was with for 3 years, never had a problem, until one day he told me I had to move out because he met someone else, who by the way was almost 30 years younger than him.
Unfortunately, the one good man I had for 6 years, who didnt play games, and genuinely loved me died from cancer.
I just can't seem to get it right, I think it's not in the cards for me, so maybe it's time to quit the " Hoping for a nice, healthy relationship " club.
I do love your videos though!
@Citizens Arrest- totally agree.
I have female friends who have gone on the online dating sites, so I've heard the horror stories - the liars who claim they want a serious relationship when they don't, the profile pics of themselves that turn out to be pics from 30 years ago, the ones that turn out to be married or in a relationship already, and oh yeah, the best, the "dick pics"- what the hell is up with that??
These are just a few reasons why I won't try them.
Oh, did I mention that these things happened on the " good sites" that you have to pay for? I can understand that junk happening on the free sites, you're going to get a lot of low rent types, they're probably looking for hook ups only.
One of my girlfriend's got so many "dick pics" we now call the dating site Plenty Of Fish "The Dirty Fish Pond"- I couldn't stop laughing when we came up with that one!
Another friend whose boyfriend of 18 years left her for another started the online thing, and was appalled at the gross responses she got. She asked me what that was all about, since she'd been out of the dating game for many years, and my response was " Welcome to dating in the 21st century, it sucks big time". I agree with you, I think people have so many options that they don't have to try. I had a friend who use to say, " relationships are like buses- if you miss the first one, there's another one you can catch 10 minutes later".
Luckily, I have a dog and 3 cats who love me unconditionally- guess I am turning into " The Crazy Cat Lady".
Sad, but true😩
BTW, LOVE your profile thumbnail, I'm a total Sinatra nut!
@@kellycarroll5036 I got off the Dirty Fish Pond for precisely that reason!
@Citizens Arrest Totally agree.
...please stay positive... ❤️
@@4288Zia I agree. If you're convinced all relationships are doomed, you will only attract such relationships.
Thank you for painting that picture, Johnathan 😊. I have often wondered what the behavior looks like coming from a fearful-avoidant attachment style. I have realized that I am not. I have become so much more secure in the last year, with the help of studying the dynamics of relationships, my addiction to self-improvement, psychology, and spiritual work. I love the books that you recommend! They open my eyes to a whole new world!
I have a fear of rejection and abandonment, because of past traumas that I have experienced with the male gender of all ages. I grew up in a pretty loving environment(it wasn’t perfect, but we all have experiences that we need to grow from.). The biggest struggle that I am having to overcome, is watching my dad trying to control my mom’s weight and not appreciating her worth outside of the physical. My mother is one of the sweetest women that I know. She is very giving, kind, compassionate, and loves unconditionally. I understand now, where my dad was coming from. He just wanted us to be healthy, but control and rejection aren’t the way of going about it. Unfortunately as a child, my own self-worth was diminished and based on outer appearance, due to the feedback that I got from my dad, and watching him reject my mom. I know that my inner beauty is worth so much more than my outer beauty in the way that I treat others. My trauma has been a life long journey of ebbs and flows. The beauty of this experience is, I now accept myself for who I am with all of my perfect imperfections and empower others who aren’t aware of their own worth. Not to excuse my my dad’s behavior, but he grew up with a very abusive father. It helps me understand his behaviors from his own experience, know how to communicate during conflict, and heal from any traumatic wounds. My parents are still married after 40 years, due to the unconditional love, patience, perseverance, guidance and wisdom of my mother.
Don’t get me wrong, my dad has so many amazing qualities and strengths that have been a great contribution to my life! His sense of humor is one of my favorites! He is a much better man than his father before him 🥰! I just highlighted one of my biggest struggles in life that I had to overcome on my journey of self-love.
TMI
Beautiful
This is GENIUS! And thank you for the virtual hug, Jonathan - much appreciated. I have been with an arrogant fearful avoidment man for a year and a half. He treats me v. badly. Recently ( after dumping me!) he got a serious ear infection. This 'humbling event' scared him and he came running back to me, asking my forgiveness. It was fascinating to see how contrite he was. Briefly, things improved between us, but, sadly, he is back to his dismissive avoidant ways. I have finally had enough and will call it quits by Xmas. There is an emotionally mature ex back in my life - a naval commander, would you believe, and I shall return to him. What brilliant advice about vetting men first. I didn't do my homework properly and invested both heart and vagina with the fearful man, and my God, the consequences have been awful. But Ihave learned a valuable lesson. Thank you, with all my heart, for this apposite and most appropriate video It rang so true for me, and resonated and has been a great comfort to me!
Thank you for sharing. This reminds my ex suffered a heart attack a year ago. After his mom called me and I stayed at the the hospital to take care of him, there was another girl who looks just like me drove 6 hours from Sal Cal to our city to stay with him. Turns out, my ex was seeing both of us at the same time. I left the hospital and started to take care of myself, I guess that’s my “humble event” to get me learn how to love myself. We were together for more than a year, then he met her for only two months when we started to have more fight. Seeing him being broke after his heart attack with huge hospital bill and didn’t work out with the girl and had to move into his brother’s garage for a cheaper rent, I have compassion for him, which is another’s humble event” I witnessed that teaches me I do not want to be like him ever. Thank you for sharing and reminding all the lessons I’ve learned in the past 💕
What I didn't like is his USERY
This is the first video I’ve seen anywhere where it is mentioned that a life shifting event is needed….and I think you’re right!
🙏
I was dating someone who was both emotionally immature and fearful avoidant for 2 months until about a week ago. I wouldn’t if I knew it from the get go. But he was pretty good at the initial attraction phase and talked about having a family a lot. Yet his actions didn’t match his words.
What a pity avoidant men do not have a glowing sign on their foreheads so they can be avoided 😄
What a pity
You're handling it well.
I would never make a comment on any youtube videos i watched but for your videos i have to say everything you’ve said is true and profound. That’s exactly what i have experienced with a fearful avoidant man I loved. And it took him humbling event which was he lost his brother and me moved to another country to admit he had feelings for me and love me and show vulnerability!
Thank you so much Jonathon, you are such an amazing person! ❤️
Awe... thank you 😊
I recently experienced this with a man. Unfortunately, I fell in love with him before I realized he had this fearful avoidant attachment style, emotional immaturity and addiction issues (among other issues). I guess I should consider myself lucky, that we didn’t get to the physically intimate stage. He has decided to go the route of joining the clergy (mandating celibacy) and I am heartbroken. I could read his eyes and knew that he wanted the union with me badly, but was incapable at this point in his life. He, admittedly, lost himself somewhere along the way. Thank you for choosing this topic. I feel like it may help me to move on in some ways. Knowing now, that a humbling experience would need to happen, for him to come forward. I appreciate you and these videos you do, to help people like me.
Sending you a hug 🙏
Sending you a hug right back. The holidays must be tough for you. 🤗
Wow. I had the same ordeal only a bit different & got ghosted anyway after 10 months of being platonic friends
What does vent mean? Investigate? Someone explain please. How do we do that?
Mines 1st wife got murdered, 2nd wife cheated. That's the reason for being FA & emotionally unavailable prolly
The book Attached gave a basic understanding of the 4 attachment styles. For a more indepth understanding of how the different attachment styles work I'd recommend 'We Do: Saying Yes to a Relationship of Depth, True Connection, and Enduring Love'
Book by Stan Tatkin
Thank-you. I just downloaded it off Scribd and am reading it. It seems PERFECT for me. What a treasure of a book. Thank-you.
Thank you, I was looking for it.
Amazing! I gave read so many of your recommended books even before I came across you. My humbling events were the death of two of my sons, and a painful divorce. My self care took off exponentially but it was so painful. Keep up the great work John. Thank you
Haha I already had the experience. My advice you all here : you don’t need to wait for such an event , if they didn’t know your value when you were there and they realized about it after a “humbling event” and comes back after that it doesn’t mean he loves you or wants you he just needs you ! Those people have no remedy , if they can heal on themselves OR want to try it perfect but don’t wait for them they will only hurt you more and more I came out from something rotten like that just a month ago after 5 fk miserable months full of lies . Best decision I’ve ever made !
If somebody wants to walk out of your life LET THEM GO! if they come back LET THEM GO AGAIN it means that nobody else wanted them … as simple as that.
The right person won’t need such an event to know your value …
Beautiful!! Most men will not have a humbling experience until way down the line.
My dad used to LOVE that movie! He was both a U.S. Marine and a hopeless romantic!!! 🙂❤
Saw it in my teens in the mid 80s I think or early 90s..was a fun movie and the stars were both really cool, we all were jealous of Debra winger, she was stunning and Richard Gere too was such a heart throb. Loved the unique insight given here from that story by you Jon...so interesting...so am gonna watch it again now!! Thanks a ton Jon...and hugs back to you. So so so sorry that you have been though so much in your life. To lose a son is such a devastating experience, as a mum I can put myself in your shoes. But your attitude is just amazing, how you have turned things around with self love, doing the introspection, spiritual work etc. So proud of you as a human being helping others through this life journey. Keep up the good work Jon. God bless you.
Thank you for your incredible honesty and vulnerability in sharing your own story. I’m so very sorry for your loss. Humbling event doesn’t even come close to touching that. Sending condolences.
Love that movie...just watched it a month ago...dated someone this summer who I now believe was a fearful avoidant...it ended painfully for me but I have learned much from this experience...learned that self love is so important...life goes on..
I was avoidant in my relationship, couldn't see the beauty in my loving dedicated partner cos I was cut out of my heart. I had internal issues and no matter what he did or didn't do it wouldn't have changed anything, I was trapped in myself, my insecurities, addictions, all ego driven, not him. Also, I didn't even think of the thought of losing him. It didn't cross my mind. When we're into our ego, and unable to value the other one, we do take them for granted. When he eventually cut the cord, it should not have been a surprise to a normal, healthy person considering everything I put him through but it was a massive shock and wake up call for me. I went to a major period of depression. I was filled with guilt and despair and promised myself to never ever put someone through that. I went from finding him annoying, almost boring to view him as a God, the only one able to fulfill me. Then I started to work on myself a hell of a lot. But unfortunately, guilt about the way I behaved in that previous relationship made me go to the other extreme and I encountered a serie of avoidants. I had become the one who wanted to sacrifice, to be a saviour. I still come accross avoidants right now, but I have a much easier time letting go. Hopefully I am close to be ready enough to attract a healthy relationship. Much love and compassion to anyone on either position of the spectrum.
I've had several humbling events as well. Lost my housecleaning business in 2008 and my son passed away in 2015, so I know what you are describing! *hugs* Almost can't say I'm sorry, but, really what I mean is that it catapulted you into self discovery and changes to make you who you have become today. Great video. Thank you!
Yes Jonathan this is so true yes , I have with my now ex -DA , this is so true ! Do the research before giving , says a lot of grief ! Mine was my best friend of over 20 years so I thought I pretty much knew him , the masks were deep , it wasn’t until he broke up with me out of nowhere that it all came together as with talking with my therapist ! Thank you for sharing , sorry for your loss 🙏🏾💜
8 yrs dating and dumped when I got Cancer.
AWESOME video!!!! Can you make more about this topic??? None of the others really touch this one. ❤️❤️🙌🙌💯💯
Yes I can
Check out the Personal Development School. Thais Gibson covers all three attachment styles in detail. She has 3 plus years of videos.
Wow. This was absolutely spot on. They need a humbling experience; they may never have that, so move on and love yourself.
I love all your videos because they are coming from a mature point of view, I watch other relationship coaches on here and their advice just sounds so juvenile. I’m 43 so it’s definitely different being in relationships now than in my 20s. I just recently met a guy like this and it just makes so much sense. He definitely is avoidant and although I care for him deeply he has some issues to take care of. The good thing is that we haven’t had sex so it makes it less painful. The only thing I can do is be his friend and mot expect more! Thanks for all your great videos and please don’t ever stop!!
Disorganized attachment is a thing too and is rarely talked about.
I had to go back and do the attachment style test after (roughly) 15 years.. it was anxious-avoidant (mix of both), now it's secure attachment. I guess growth is real.😁
This gives me hope , thank you . Do you think an avoidant can become a secure ?
@@jshaka3769 if you do the work and push through discomfort
@@jess77surfs I’m having a hard time understanding exactly what ppl mean by this do I keep putting myself in uncomfortable situations that I do desire but don’t feel comfortable in. Or do I set boundaries on what I’m comfortable with and what I’m not. I feel like I’m not comfortable with any intimacy cause my main focus is pleasing the other person. To the point where I’m not even pleased myself.
@@jshaka3769 this is an indicator of a much bigger issue that can't be worked out through new relationships with others but by working on yourself.
I would get with a counselor.
There's things that need to be addressed before you can get into another relationship. With the right help, you can learn tools that can apply when you step back into the dating world.
Bouncing from one relationship to the next without getting help is just getting exacerbate whatever is triggering your avoidance and discomfort.
I didn't move from one type of attachment style to another just by waiting and dating. I did a lot of work on myself and I'm still doing a lot of work on myself. I didn't date for 12 years. 10 years straight and then an additional 2 years when I realized I was still working on things. I still have stuff that I'm working out but I'm a lot better off. It took work and it took time. People are in a hurry to skip that part because they're afraid they might miss out on a relationship.
@@jess77surfs I feel like I’m already missing out on relationships it’s pretty much all I have done. I was single for 2 years before my last relationship, and it didn’t do anything for me. Being single was even more complicated . Cause all I desired was the closeness of a relationship but when I get it I get scared away. I feel discouraged now. I’m only 23, 10 years being single? You said there’s things that need to be addressed but never mentioned anything of it.. from what I understand I need to be single for a long time and not even think about being close to some one? Every relationship I was in , I missed out on .
Right on. For me, the shifting "moment" was when I through drug abuse developed serious PTSD and had to re-evaluate my entire life and what was important for me.
i'm so grateful for this video. you don't know how much your words in this video have saved my life from choosing a wrong guy. thank you. thank you. thank you
I send you a personal big hug because I feel so much when you speak about your son. May god bless him , his soul and bless you. You are great thank you for your precious contents x
So I just today asked a guy I’m interested in who’s avoidant if he’s ever been hurt and if he needs to heal
His answer was
Seriously Christina? Lol
I need not to heal
So being the evolved person that I am said
So good to hear that!
Then I asked him how his day was
No response
(Most men laugh at self help and self love )
Sigh....
Sounds like a bit of a jerk honestly...seems conceited..arrogant.
I hope you ran far away from that man.
I'm not sure why people are so willing to stick around and babysit other people's emotional issues. I have a secure attachment style and, although I began to care for the man I was dating, he had an avoidant style and began to pull away once the relationship became more serious. He closed off emotionally but showed just enough interest to keep me around. Because I will not chase or play games and because I don't have time to waste with immature or insecure people, I walked away. I did care for him so it hurt for a while, then I got over it. I don't know if he'll ever contact me again but, if he does, he will have to demonstrate (not with words but with actions) that he's matured and dealt with his issues. In the meantime, I've moved on with my life. I'm dating other people because I want to enjoy my life and have fun, not babysit an adult. I cared about him but I care about myself more.
I was married to one for over 30 years. I did not know about his attachment style. I know that he avoided talking about things and his feelings. Well I learned when I learned about the other woman. He only wanted to lie about her and keep us both. She knew he was married and they wanted to play games with my life. I gave him a humbling experience - divorce and he moved in with her.
I dated a guy who would not commit and he was forever saying he was moving away at any moment. He would tell me he loved me but before he would say he was moving away at any moment....it was ridiculous. Sometimes I would ask myself if he was aware of that, of what he was doing. Of course he was not moving away, there was no a real plan behind it...he just kept saying that. I would tell him is was all over and he would say “yes, is better in this way because I am moving away anyway” and like a couple of weeks later there he was, knocking at my door....I entertained that nonsense for way too long because he was a nice guy and and a good friend in many ways but he never allowed our relationship really flourish or to find out where it would take us. At the end I just got tired and my interest disappeared, I couldn’t continue waiting for him to decide whether he was staying with me or actually moving away, he never managed to make that decision.
Anyone who does that isn't a nice guy or a good friend...
Didn’t vet him before I got my heart and “V” involved. We broke up but he still reaches daily. He’s a mess. I’m very spiritual and we broke up with kindness and now I just will be a friend and show him compassion. Boundaries are up and I told him no flirting or sex!
True. Together 7yrs now. Took him about a year to fall in love from my perspective. I believe it was a car accident followed by the betrayal of a family member.
Humans we are so weird...always learning the hard way. I met a great guy but he is avoidant and I decided to dissapear from his life. It is true they dont value you and staying there always available will just hurt you bigtime. I do hope he heals though.🙏❤
It sounds really hopeless 😔 most people don’t really realize they are fearful avoidant and don’t have such events for them to wake up!
Yes I have been on that fearful avoidance path 12 years and finally his humbly Moments came it wakes them up and he’s been divorced 3x
This presentation was talking to me about my relationship with my soon to be ex-husband. I wish I knew all of this 30 years ago! He had everything and still was not happy. An event happened last week but I don’t know how humbling it will be- his mom passed away. He usually blamed others when things go wrong so I don’t really know how his loss finally is affecting him. I lost both my parents my dad in 1997 but didn’t even lose his job when everyone else was. It’s also sad that I don’t think of him as a friend as he will bring up one of my honest mistakes I told him about to use against me. I feel bad of course for him and his sister and hope his mom’s passing will be a humbling event for him.
Wow..I lost a son to an accident also! I have been unsure about your videos in the past but THIS one is everything and so true on a soul level!🔥🔥🔥
That's terrible and I'm sending you a HUG. Happy to hear this resonated with you...
Yeah this resonated. I had an amazing lsd trip when I was about to turn 24. I realized I'd never really loved myself. And for reasons that weren't my doing. And I realized I was a person I liked. Or rather loved. And then I fell in love for the first time about 3 months later. She bought an RV and we started traveling
From all your video's that I watch on a regular basis..this video had the most impact on me today..I've watched an officer and a Gentleman many times over the years and couldn't work out why Mayo treated Paula so disrespectful but I know understand why..he hugged his best friend after he hung himself in the shower and that humbling moment hit him like a steam train...I take something from this video today and will indeed vet my potential partner for the future. Thank you for your really down to earth video's...Love from here in the UK👍
Right on Jonathan! You hit the nail on the head with this one. It explains what is missing with some people- a humbling event. Never thought of it thus way, but you make so much sense. Thank you. 👍
He is right, esp. if it is where family or close ones are involved.
He's had humbling events, over and over..I think he's numbed out and totally walled up..
I dated an avoidant and the book attached helped me recognize the signs. I’m so thankful for the information that helped me make the best decision to move on.
You have to vet them before you invest in them!! Love it!! 😍
So true!
Thank you for this video! I was involved with a fearful avoidant on and off for five years. I kept hoping he would change but I had enough and ended it. I can't believe that I was blessed to find your channel. I'm looking forward to watching you and learning from you! 🤗
FA's deserve therapy to work on these issues. We can heal, develop functional interpersonal skills, practice our coping skills, have peace and joy. It's work and we're worth it!
Jonathon, one of my favorite life changing films is "Something's Gotta Give" with Jack Nicholson and Diane Keaton. In my 60s I thought my time was done. That film opened my eyes that it's not over just because I'm oldish. I just don't meet men my age or close. It's hard in NYC even though millions. I am not college educated, was in drugs early, but rehab at 19. Then got married, moved to Seattle, modeled and took acting -- moved to NYC. I was lucky, got little parts early, but then waited tables, exhausted myself, strict vegan diet (back in 70s before better options like today), wasted away to be thin. Sorry trying to give my life story in a paragraph. Relapsed back on opiates, went on methadone, worked in law firms until last year. That's it. Now clear of everything (which is weird since now I have real aches and pains!!) LOL Quit 35 years smoking cigs/weed. Only drink wine socially which is maybe once a month. My SA guy likes beer and smokes a little tobacco, but not heavily. He's never been into drugs. Hallelujah!!
what is an SA guy ???
He just described my former partner that I still adore. He's emotionally immature and fearful avoidant. We dated 3 months when he broke up with me because his nervous system freaked out when he started developing deeper feelings. We're affectionate friends now (no sex...those are boyfriend privileges). When we’re together, we have the best time. It's so easy. There's so much laughter, and he's so gentle with me. When we’re apart is a whole other story. When will I hear from him? WILL I hear from him? This time around, I've given our relationship to God. Lots of praying for him. Lots of praying for me. Lots of praying for us, whatever "us" is.
It is good that you are using your experiences to give insights to others.
IT IS so true. IT does resonate to me. Thank you so much. I Love your Videos... They give definetely great, wider and different aspects...
Love this video. Yes, i just left a 5 year relationship due to this. We are in no contact currently. I believe he would need a humbling experience to be able to love.
Thank you! That is some fresh information that I have not heard before… And I have done **a lot** of research on dating and relationships! And this may just be the miracle message I needed to hear right now making it even more valuable. Thanks for putting this out there! Much appreciated!
Glad it was helpful!
U bet ya. The humbling event/s have helped everyone who has shifted to self love and getting on the journey to discover love.
I had this with my last boyfriend
I ended it after 3 years he was avoidant & I am anxious attachment he wouldn’t commit & we kept breaking up & it was so hurtful
He ended up dying by suicide a couple months later 1/19/19
He didn’t love himself & was depressed 💔😢
NOW I’m on that journey to find myself and love myself because I was attracting that kind of man ♥️
Thank you for sharing these thoughts I do know about the attachment styles, about 6 months after I met him I learned about it and it was already too late because we already had a sexual relationship & I was hooked
He never had any humbling experiences that I know of why we were dating.
now if I talk to a man I can pick out if they are needy or avoidant but I need to do some more homework before I start dating again
I agree...but we cannot provoke this humbling event in their life...so we could be waiting who knows how many years for this to happen. Unfortunately, we have to let them go, because we cannot wait for that humbling event to happen who knows when so that they value us. Also, I believe that if the humbling event does not happen within the timeframe of maximum 2-3 months of the separation in connection, it will not have the same effect. You have to beat the iron while it is still hot...
Excellent video, excellent advice! Pure wisdom!!! 👍😊🙌
Glad you think so!
I have been watching for a couple of months and I'm loving your videos and advice and when you share from your life is touching. Thank you. All the best from Australia. 🇦🇺
I just wanna say that the best things bring me the end of 2020 is to find your channel, i just discover you and i really really appreciate the way you explain and talk, thank you so much, big hug from Italy! 🤗
Love your videos Jonathan! Thank you for your help! I just hope that one day everything falls together for me and find a good man. I’m starting again after my husband passed away. He was my best friend, my soulmate, the love of my life!
I just started watching your content and it’s great. I was reunited with a FOAF from childhood. We texted a lot and I told him I wanted to get together (and not talk about Costco), we live uh, 20 minutes apart. I think I freaked him out. I’m 53 and my husband died in front of me suddenly almost 5 years ago. Haven’t thought about dating until now. Anyway he ghosted me and I have been so sad and felt taken advantage of. What I’ve found is that I HAVE had my humbling event, (and I had a bad marriage to a great person). I don’t have time to waste. I want something good or not. It’s sad. I’ll never online date, especially now. It’s not real. Anyway, worst part is I’d see him again! Crazy. Thanks for the advice. It’s interesting and valuable ❤️
So sorry for the loss of your son.. your energetic inspiring and delighted to hear your story.. I too lost a lot in 2008 crash but hey we rise up!!
I think you do the best channel on these topics. You are a wise man. Thank you. How beautiful you describe how important a humbling event is by talking about your major loss.
As a person who experienced loss, I know those events. The man I loved did not. He had a list of things he needed from me before his commitment. I started to work on his list, to make it all possible for him, I was in hard times myself, but while I was working for a life together he got involved with another women. It didn't last long with her. He seems to be still the same, even harder to himself and anyone around. No self love at all.
You’re full of wisdom, thank you for sharing! 💕✨
Great video-haven’t seen one from this perspective before-refreshingly honest/thank you:)
Explains some issues currently having with a fearful avoidant-whatever he is… using me? Boyfriend?
Either way, you’re helping see where I’ve been giving away my power/thx again
I watched the movie and yes, you won’t chasing love. Thanks for sharing!
You’re welcome 😊
I'm the attachment one and he's the avoidant one yet we are both working on our issues , balance and honestly seems to work for us
Thank you for sharing this. I am seeing a man that can’t forgive himself. So afraid to love or commit. Very sad situation
That movie is still a classic, can never be tired of watching it. Happy New Year 2021 🎆 dear Jonathon.⭐️
Happy new year!
Ive been married to one for over 8 years, total of 9. Most amazing in the beginning as they all are. Then the true colors come out. Im stuck due to living situation as I gave up my career and house for him and cant go back to that now due to poor health from all the stress. I wont qualify for the job I did. No way out for me unless I win the lottery. Trust me, a humbling event might have work for the guy on the video, but it wont make a difference in 99% of them. He didnt even show emotion when his dad died. Cold as hell and will never change as he wont admit he has any issues what so ever. Its hopeless. We have slept in separate bedrooms since right after we got married and sex? I cant even remember what that is at this point. Totally emotionless, no connection what so ever.
Well stated! Your personal story was appreciated. I can relate to 2008 - 2010 time period. 💗🙏💗 Deeply sorry to hear of the loss of your son. 😢
Thanks for listening
I'm still waiting for the solution... I can't start killing my dating partner's best friends😂😂😂😂😂
So does this mean that the only way to an avoidant mans heart that has gone cold and has distanced himself from you, is a humbling experience? What if this humbling experience takes years to happen? Or what if he doesn’t turn to you and realize the amazing women that you are via that experience? It’s not realistic to wait around until this happens because it may never, or he may move on and find someone else during that time…
YES YES YES - you are absolutely right and it took me learning the hard way. You are the gift and teacher we women need - my heart is sensitive and barely survived my fearful avoidant without the humbling experience - ir he may have had one then got out of it and still runs off.
Such a great advice Jonathan! Do you think this would also apply to the dismissive avoidant?
Most likely...
Yes! Wow! I’m in love with a fearful avoidant that hasn’t yet had a humbling event. I know he loves me deeply but will never be ready until this humbling event happens. I’m trying to move on but it’s hard.
Can you please do one on what a dismissive avoidant needs?
His humbling events keep him from everyone.. he’s afraid of attaching to anyone
Great and insightful video! ❤
I totally agree - people should heal themselves outside the relationship. Some may argue that the partner's unconditional love can change them - I doubt it. Also because the "loving" partner does not understand what unconditional love is - it is not being there for them all the time, doing all the work in the relationship in the hope he may change one day. Yes, they may stay in the relationship for years but fearful avoidants would never truly love and appreciate the loving partner unless they genuinely and consciously decide to change. Or sadly, yes a major external event has to happen... In both cases, the trigger is outside the relationship. One is an internal proactive approach, and the second one is external and reactive. Fearful avoidant types may say they want love, but subconsciously they want to feel continued rejection and fear. They trigger their partners to make them feel jealous or attacked with anger (following their neglect) and then they can go out, and tell the world that they are angels and their wives are hysterical or unthankful. The smart would see patterns and take any repeated negative response from their partner(s) as a gift to heal. Love sometimes means to brutally tell them the truth and walk away from the relationship.
Hey, I also felt many times with a guy who was just taking life too easy that only some really humbling event will wake him up. And checking the guy before opening up - thats crucial. Girls, your power lies in your pacience!!!
Hi ☺️ I AM watching your vids in Poland. I really love your ideas. Tkank u for that.
I must admit that I have been in a relationship with na avoidant for over 4 years.
I think i have probably done most od the "games" and so he left me... two months later his best friend died from a heart attack. I texted and offered him my support. He responded but didn't reach out for anything...
Listening to your vid, I AM not sure if it works or maybe 10 weeks sińce then is to early... ?
Honestly... The best thing is to avoid avoidants....
The "vetting process" that is God's design and healthiest is not having sex before marraige and seeing if they want you for who you are not just their attraction/selfishness
Vet him before you invest in him! Yes! This is great stuff!! Thank you for the hug!
Jonathon; you increase your chances of real love when went through those steps of personal development self-help and spiritual growth. I too had an a humbling event, now praying for the man I love to get to the same place. Thank For sharing your truth it helps me and I know so many others. You’re a good man and I love the way you laugh when you say the word vagina🙏😜
You are awesome, my humbling event is stumbling across you from the uk 🇬🇧 x
We can't create the humbling event for them. But that could work but we would be waiting for years