I had a lawyer for a dad; a very prideful man. He encouraged a lot of great ideals in me as a little kid. One of which was to pursue something I loved. I guess he just figured of course I would want to inherit a law firm-I didn’t. Music became my salvation from a family that always treated me like I wasn’t important and only worthy of attention when I did something wrong or worthy of scrutiny. A friend had to talk my parents into coming to see me do a solo gig when I was in my mid-thirties. I had been working professionally by then since I was twenty-one, a very long time by then. Bands for almost twenty years and then solo for another fifteen. They came to see me at a time when my success was perhaps at its height in terms of popularity and making a living. I brought in business and it was very good; I was very good at what I did. The only memories I have from that night is my dad getting up at some point to maybe go to the bathroom and walking past me like an angry bull making it known he was highly agitated. An otherwise always composed guy, very rare to show anger to that degree. It both broke my heart and also angered me that he couldn’t even give me a nod of approval even one friggin time when hey everybody else thinks I’m pretty awesome. Except for you and mom. The older I get the more all of this stuff just breaks my heart and sinks in even deeper just how detrimental it all was to my well being.
Creativity saved my life. The family couldn’t break me. They ignored me and what I created was made invisible. But they never stopped me or made me give up. They also mocked my piano playing. They tried to compete with me. Being an artist is who I am. However my family trauma has made it a difficult journey and hindered my ability to succeed.
I like what you say : "Creativity saved my life" Looking back, I would say the same about myself (but then I am an old woman now). Please allow yourself to create anything you need to.
Me too. I realized anything I took interest in you would try to turn around on me and send me a lot of Envy at me for even being interested in it then go ahead and be like I don't know what's going on. They act stupid and pretend like they didn't hate my existence take anything I am interested in or like and try to turn it against me and then be like oh nothing ever happened. Psychological abuse of people ever since I was under 7 years old and over. Had to cope with chronic fatigue n psychological problems alot. Still do at age 34
Creativity is a daily antidote to family negativity, of choosing to not live by narcissist's family rules. You have stated who you are to them: a creative, an artist. Hang in there and find a way to be bigger than the trauma you experienced. You have much of deep value to share with others, whether by music or other creative endeavors. The journey is always going to be difficult but success is also defined by overcoming your family trauma (THEIR bad behaviors were never about you).
My family has always looked down on creativity. Then I lost my love for it during relationship abuse. With encouragement from caring support workers and trauma therapy, I'm slowly regaining that creative passion. It is flowing through me again now and helping to finally find that precious inner happiness and peace. Keep doing what you love friends. It is a gift 💜🙏
My mom tried to sabotage every attempt i made to have a successful career as a violinist. I did it anyway and followed my own heart. It certainly was not easy and to this day i get critisized and told i have no talent. Follow your dreams regardless! Ignore the haters. This is your life. Thank-you for your wise words Jay.
My mom was trying to make me a violinist, but I just went to music school to find out what other moms can be like. And I always liked to draw and write stories, so she was trying to block all kinds of notepads on my computer to make me bored so i could go play violin. It didn't work. I finished music school with a newbie sound which 4th year music school pupils usually have %) And can't do anything of three good enough. But I,m not sad about it, it just happened
You have just described my life. My mother and father were like that. They killed my love for music and disparaged any attempts to draw. They valued my brother’s creativity while utterly disparaging mine. On top of being a scape goat I was also the invisible child.
I certainly identify with Alina. I HATE safe art. I always had jobs that I hated because those were “real” jobs. I was told that being an artist or musician wasn’t a “real” job. I never had a good experience with therapists but, recently, have had my artwork validated, not by experts but by real friends.
Creativity may also be initially difficult to approach for many reasons. One of the reasons is Perfectionism. Open hearted creativity that spontaneously emerges from a sacred place within is the desired kind where you don't look a second time to "cover flaws or improve". You admire your work because it's an EXPRESSION and there is no 'perfect expression'. Spirals of toxic shame play a huge role in being unable to feel worthy of creativity. To be openly creative is to also feel connected to other people and all things. But for the scapegoat survivor, shame based survival being the primary means of showing up in the world cuts them off from the very essence of interconnected creative participation and therefore compels them into hiding and only being creative in silence or in the Margins of their 'ruled notebooks'. Creativity adds a dimension to a person. From my experience, once you express and it's received well and you see that it's not that bad, you start seeing the TRUTH for what it is and instead of pointing at yourself, your locus of self consciousness starts to shift, outwards. You begin to see that You've been working extra hard ALL this while, when life can happen easily and respect is given JUST like that. Without any rhyme or reason - No conditions or rules. This will be the beginning of the new you. So to anyone reading this sending you loads of healing on your path. You got this and you will do better in no time! ❤ This is obviously unpacked best with the help of a therapist.
I totally agree with you about creative work being an expression! And there is no perfect expression, nor is there any *wrong* expression. I feel this way when I create my handmade jewelry sometimes. I feel like these pieces are my "babies." I love them because they're an expression of me, not because they're beautiful or stylish or whatever.
During childhood (grades 4 - 8) we lived in the country. On Saturday mornings my parents drove 30 minutes to the farmers market in the city. This meant there were several hours when me and my siblings had the house to ourselves. I didn’t know it then, but I realized my mother deliberately didn’t teach my siblings and me how to cook. My mom is a really good cook and I believe she relished in the glory and praise her cooking gave her. As a preteen I often spent the weekend at my best friend’s house. At my friend’s house it was common for her mother to involve her kids with the cooking. This served as both a bonding and teaching moment. I craved this same thing at home. Because my mom was unwilling to allow me to join her when she cooked I used the time when I had the kitchen to myself on Saturday mornings to cook by myself. I taught myself how to cook and recreated recipes by observing my mom from a distance. I remember my parents came home from the farmers market and a large pot of soup was sitting on the stovetop. I had made the soup that morning. It was one of mom’s specialties. My dad was impressed and kept complimenting me as he helped himself to a second serving. My mom said nothing. She gave me the side eye and stayed unusually quiet. She made sure to mention that she corrected the soup because I added too much water. I never heard a good job from my mom or receive the same accolades that my father doled on me. I now know that my cooking skills were a threat to my mother. I showed her up and did it despite her not teaching me. I didn’t know she saw it as a form of competition.
I’m sorry you experienced that. It pains me to imagine your shocked reaction at having the box of brownie mix being thrown at you coupled with the biting comment. It really summarizes the sabotage the parent deploys to discourage the child in their pursuits. I only recognized my mother was competing with me after I submitted some of my stories to another channel and the host pointed this out to me. I hope you are able to separate the brownie experience and create a new memory that’s filled with love and joy.
Similar experience, except my Mom was a bad cook, so when my dad ate something at my house and raved about it, she reacted the same way, and refused to eat the chicken because "It wasn't cooked through" - meaning it wasn't a piece of jerky like she made it. My husband pointed out there was no pink in the meat, she refused to eat it, and my dad never complimented my cooking again
My narc mom had 4 daughters, as the scapegoat I was the only one not allowed to help in the kitchen for cooking. " I asked too many questions". So when i married my mother in law taught me a lot. As a kid i was sent to be the helper to Dad in the garden, or doing home repairs. Mom also taught my 3 sisters how to draw, knit and Paint..no not me inwas too clumsy. It always felt so unfair.
Why is this so relatable 😢. Self expression, creativity was blocked. Even when I wanted to be creative in the kitchen and get some cooking skills mum would bash me for making mess. I was so blocked in the area of doing anything manual. That's a source of my big insecurity bc I felt like everyone is judging me and I have 2 left hands. Because my mum was so possesive over everything in the house I learned to dissociate and live in my head, not earth. I always compared myself negatively to folks with manual skills. I also loved singing and dancing as a kid. Subconsciously I knew that I am not welcomed to express joy. I had no social life bc I was surpressed emotionally. Joy is not allowed for scapegoat, only survival mode. It's like my inner child is begging for self expression now.
Right there with you! You expressed it so well! I also had and have no social life😢 I was just doing some dancing yesterday to my 80's music on RUclips,and for the rest of the day I felt "different" and lighter, and more carefree! It was a wonderful feeling! Music dancing singing were my joys as a child, but once I sensed Mom's disapproval for my music and prob dance moves,she only liked ballroom, I stopped doing it. It was prob forbidden by her being disgusted with my music,therefore not allowed and most def not encouraged! Bring that kid back, turn up the volume, and dance!!! ❤❤
‘Subconsciously i knew i am not welcomed to express joy’ this. There was always a push back when i was happy free etc they always had negative things to say to break my spirit you really had to learn how to feel joy without not feeling like you don’t deserve it etc. Hard and daunting so not fair
I can relate. Horrible mother. Alcoholic father. Except I feel I was locked away within myself at 12 and I created a persona. I remember thinking, people think you are who you show them. So. I created a self assured, fun, outgoing, fearless persona. I couldn't feel anything. I was completely numbed out by this point. I could do anything lol. I've been working on myself since age 24, getting help. Lucky, I got into treatment, I felt my first sense of safety in my life. I was walking on clouds. So happy. It took over 30 years to peel it all back, drop the armor, and finally be me. I've never felt better or been more free, even on my worse days. Still working on it tho. They made quite the wreck of me. Good luck to all.
I grew up with two narcissistic parents. Alena’s father sounds just like my covert, malignant stepfather. Self expression of any type was either attacked, belittled or ignored by both parents, but on a few occassions in the presence of others, my mother stated that I was “a good artist”, “she can “draw”. Any compliments to my character or other skills did not exist. Since going no contact with my abusive family of origin, my inner child is anxious to make her way back to her talents, like writing and other expressive endeavors, but the c-PTSD continues to block me in various ways. Though, Im hopeful that with continued healing, I will revisit my long-buried strengths and express them in a way that will contribute to a newfound flow of unbridled achievement.
Yes. I feel the same. I was very creative but I don't know what is blocking it because I have been in no contact for a few years but still don't have the drive I use to have even in my worst moments.
@@JessAnonymous Shadow work, EMDR, somatic exercises, mindfulness, diaphragmatic breathing, inner child work, a job, an honest lawyer ( a unicorn) and finding non narcissistic people who I can befriend. That's should work.
Thank you so much!! My mother threw away all my childhood art while at college Stacks and stacks of it I would go to my room and be free Drawing as a child My gift My passion.. I’m in my last decades of life and feel the block as I try now Not good enough This message is so freeing ❤
I had an art scholarship but couldnt go . I was told i was " wierd enough " already . This resonates w me alot . So hard to push down that loud voice of who you are 😢
I think an issue can be that you only have a sense of being loved when you are passive - so doing anything creative means being active and that makes you feel unloved. Being passive also keeps you dependent on the narcissistic parent.
I felt I never even had an opportunity to develop an intererest for anything. Is that common? I have always longed so badly to find something I love. Was alwys drawn to creativity, but I hate everything I create😢.. However, last month I tried karaoke, and absolutely loved it. Maybe thats my sort of creativity❤
Thanks, wonderful post. A wildly creative child(piano, drawing, writing)I shut off my creative gifts one by one and shoved myself and my creativity back into the shadows. Told I was gifted at piano.Pathological envy from the narc. Did manage to write a book.. Knocked down 7 times, get up 8.
My goodness painful to read this I identify. The similarities are remarkable. Now I have faith. Now I have hope. And so can you. My Creator saved me my Creator did for me what I could not do for myself. I love you know that you are loved. You are a beautiful creation made in the image of something greater. He knows you by name. 🙏 Remember this what you are going through and what you have been through someone has already been there. You are not alone !! Your journey will be someone else's road map out of hell. You are blessed.
@@lilly7908 it’s crazy how narcissistic/evil parents are the norm. How crazy is that?? Almost like where is the creator telling them that what they are doing is wrong?
This has been one of the most painful effects of my Narcissistic Mother. I was arty all through life and it came from my father’s side of the family. Having finished school and gaining University Entrance in all art subjects, I applied to University here in New Zealand 🇳🇿 with the passion of being an Interior Designer. My mother got home from work, snatched all the pamphlets and ripped them all up in front of me snarling at me “you’re not good enough to be an Interior Designer. You don’t have enough talent.” She forced me off into Teaching and the stress of her intervention is something I’ve never recovered from. It’s a grief I never got over.
I resonate deeply with this. I wanted to be a dr and my mother came home with nursing college pamphlets saying I didn’t have what it took to be a dr. Years later I saw my results from the test they give you in France to see what your strengths are, and I scored very high in being recommended the scientific stream. Hit me like a ton of bricks when I read that. And the snarling… Mindfulness studies is what has changed my life. I have so much internal peace now. I never thought I would be rid of her voice in my head!
@@zohashahid30984 yes I believe something similar happened to me but my mother is so covert I cannot be sure. As a child I had made an intricate house construction for my toys out of cardboard etc. I got home from school to find it all ripped to shreds. My mother claimed our foster child had done it. But as the years have gone by, I’ve tried to piece together if the foster child was even home at the time. I don’t believe she was
I've always been quite rebellious, and continued to make my art even though my narcissistic parents told me it would never amount to anything. My issue now is, dressing creatively, as I've always wanted to do, but was put down for it, or told I looked "ridiculous ". I'm now living in defiance of that, and dressing how I want, and it's so much fun! I even cut my own hair into a funky style too, and have got so much enjoyment from presenting myself how I want, and not how they wanted. ❤🎉🥂💃
You know I feel that fear and resistance when I started to journal as my mother used to read my journals and use the information against me growing up. She used to go into my room all the time and go through my things, open my letters even as an adult and even try to get into my computer which was always thankfully password protected. She lied when I called her out on it and said I forgot to turn the laptop off. I had that resistance when I started journaling- that someone might come and read it. Or when I do anything that gives me joy I automatically think about how my mother and father would disparage me if there were present. One of the best things I have ever done in my life was run away with my doggie to another country and start over in my 30s. Even then my mother tried to track me down and caused so much trauma. But it’s been 14 years and I have gone no contact with them. It’s possible to get away but the healing process is ongoing.
I can't believe how many of your experiences I share - my mom read my journals too, which I kept between my mattress, and when I asked her why she was snooping around my room she said she was "looking for a pencil" - dad bavked her up, so I learned to shrink and gaslight myself. Never kept a journal since. She threatened to get me counseling because I was obvioysly mentally ill and a horrible ungrateful dtr (I was 13). Guess she didn't like how I wrote how much I hated her and wished the neighbor was my mom.
@@pam8056 I am so sorry that you had to experience that. Mine just said that it’s her right and I had to right to privacy. As a teenager or as an adult. I hope that you take the time to heal from their abuse. It is possible. All the best. 💜
Same. Worst thing is they shared with other relatives. Giggled in my face but never accepts or acknowledge my feelings when I confronted them. Those things shaped me and I shaped them.
I'm a writer, its one thing that they couldn't squash full becausei didnt have to talk about it, i have been struggling to finish projects since i went no contact a few years ago. Thank you for this ❤
My dad made me hate my creativity much,i remember at the age of 7 and he was comparing me to younger kids for playing piano better,he always was mad when I don't perfect things since day 1, i remember when i told him i wanted to start a RUclips channel at the age of 14 and he got so angry and abusive and hit he for like 30s straight while my family were watching and not helping but also ended up blaming me, for example mom said: "you're the reason your dad almost got a heart attack " when i was just 14! He made me detach so much from all of my creative expressions & my feelings since he shamed me for it too, I'm 22 now and I'm glad at least i know about narcissistic abuse, hope everyone can heal from this❤
My creative ability is filled with fear, perfectionsim and guilt. I cannot tap into my creative instincts. This feeling of not worthy has impacted my belief system as well as my communication. I started to forget words and can't talk fluently. I used to play video games and it was center of my child-like ability to live. I am not able to physically enjoy them. I am a very wide skilled guy and I can't perform a single arithmetic question without overthinking.
Another aspect of this is our habit of recreating our parents dismissive attitude and criticism within ourself. We literally read from their script so often. We are robbed of simply loving and enjoying our creations. One of the last things my female parent did was remove a painting of mine she had on her wall for several years, left in in a room on the floor turned to face the wall, saying it made her feel stressed. I said it was ok!!! A reflex conciliatory response. It was the last time I saw her, 2 years ago. Something about that blatant devaluation hit me so hard in the gut that I woke up and left the relationship. I still struggle in agonies with my true creative nature and it breaks my heart. A lost life.
This really spoke to my experience - my mom's message to me my whole life was the double-edged sword of "Be good enough I can brag about you, but never better than me" and that bar moved continuously. Be pretty- but not prettier than me, be thin- but not thinner than me, be creative- but not better than me. I haven't painted in 15 years, after 3 incidents- 1. I painted a portrait of her dog as a gift, and after she recieved it, she put it in a corner of her room and painted another one of her and my dog together (they were litter mates) and prominently displayed hers (which was ok work, but not artistically on par with mine, which I was realizing she hated). 2. I showed her a pic of my son at the beach I was going to paint, and had bought a large canvas and a big printout of the pic. Next time I visited her house, she had "beat me to it" and had one already painted and on her wall. 3. My neice passed away, and I mentioned to her I was going to paint a pic of her as a gift to my Aunt. You guessed it- a few weeks later I was at her house and she had already done one, again, not the best quality, and it negated my ability to then do it and gift my Aunt. I buy art supplies, have a whole set up, but feel extreme dread sitting down to do it. I've found a creative outlet in sewing, gardening, but it's not the same. Thank you so much for this video- it's really going to help me move past this. I've been no contact with her for 8 years, but the monster is still in my head.
This is my story.....I am in and out of my artistic pursuits. I have a drawing I started last year and keep saying I'm going to work on it everyday. It is only half finished and no matter what intention I set, I don't stick to it. My parent was jealous of all of my creative talents. She didn't even have to walk into the room to see me working on something, it was as if she sensed it and would interrupt and direct me to house chores. When I minored in art in college she told me one summer I should be working on a job instead of taking an art class. I was already struggling with the concepts of 3-D design in this particular class so the guilt of attending and committing to the projects made it more difficult. I eventually sabotaged my entire path as a writer/artist by other useless distractions. I ended up finishing my major in English but had to drop art. My parent knew i was good at all of my art, but for some reason, seemed to hate and suppress my creative desires. She tried to instill in me putting the family first and doing house chores to ridiculous perfection and denied me the artistic development classes I deeply wanted. Thank you for putting this in context where i can process her behavior differently. I have been an advocate for helping ppl to heal and grow self-confidence through art because it was my go-to for mental health survival, but I secretly still struggle with being the artist (actress, poet, writer) i desire to be. Even when itake classes, im too self-conscious to enjoy it, relax and grow amd stick to it. Although my mother is not the same and shows support of my achievements (non artistic for the most part), the guilt is real.
8:47 "It's better to be a devalued somebody to someone, than to be a nobody to no one". Wow this hit me deep.You've summed up the core belief under my entire adulthood of relationships right there.
I took a class in 19th c. literature at college. One of the profs had a PhD in literature from Yale. I'd put a paper in about the characters in a well known French novel and illustrated how they could be related to Jungian archetypes. He called me aside to his office, said I was a 'closet genius' and overall was very excited about this so called revelation of mine, which I really had no idea - I kept downplaying it and said "Well, Jung had used fairy tales to illustrate what he meant, so what's the big deal - I just applied the concept of archetype to a different story..." In any case, I relayed this to my mother, who got on the phone and told a friend of hers about it while smirking at me and saying to her friend "Can you believe these nutty PhD's?" or something to that effect (and there's more, but I'll spare you). A few years later, unbeknownst to me (I JUST found out about it last year) a book was written about this very same topic (characters as Jungian archetypes) by an author working in the film industry - it has been used for a couple decades now by screenwriters as some sort of "Bible" and lauded as a breakthrough concept. Oh, well...
I can so relate - I have always doubted myself in all creative outlets - I had a sewing project- a simple apron - in 4th grade - I was 10 and my narcissistic mother didn’t have any patience in teaching me how to sew- it was never ‘perfect enough ‘ for her liking, so ultimately, she would make me get up from the sewing machine and she ended up sewing the entire apron. I then had to pretend it was my work , when it was all her work. This was all so damaging and confusing to me. My clueless dad always took her side as well- he was definitely the scape goat parent.
both my parents were narcissistic. (one malignant, the other grandiose) They both tried to shut my creativity down on top of destroying the little remaining of self esteem i could save. But weirdly enough there was a voice inside of me that was stronger and pushed me to draw and stay creative. I spent my teenage years, my early twenties perfecting my craft, I gave it all quite literally (paying the price today with physical and mental health issues -hello burnout-) as my parents cut me off when i decided to study art. I have built my whole life around my passion. Today i am working in a very creative field but because it is a huge corporation I feel the urge to create only for myself now. I also went NC with my parents and some of my sisters as "making art is not a real job". NEVER GIVE UP. listen to your inner voice. MAKE ART!!!
Yes, I've struggled with shame in every aspect of my life. I'm slowly getting better and I feel genuine relief every now and then. I was getting worried I'd never get well. I feel hopeful ❤
I had never thought of going to a therapist about my fear of creativity. Also, when selling my paintings prople would say that they would love to paint, but they can't draw a straight line. There is not a straight line to be seen in much art. It was this fear, that they have to follow a set of rules that is nor actually relevant just to enjoy playing with some paint as a hobby pr selling paintings. And some think they have to paint a huge and magnificent seascape to be a painter. All these rules. The book Life, Paint, and Passion. You need no artistic skill to rock. Changed my life.
This is a very important part of self reclamation. Great video! Narcissistic abuse takes you out of your own creative flow and reconnecting with it is key.
I was about 16 or 17. I was trying to teach myself how to paint. My mother was pretty good at art so I wanted to try my hand at it. She asked to see it way before it was finished. I was unsure of myself and embarrassed. I asked her would it be ok if I showed her when I finished. She became infuriated and screamed “Who the hell do you think you are, Vincent Van Gogh!?” I threw it away and never tried again until I was 63. She liked to call me dummy. “Hand me the salt dummy.” It was said so casually. That made it more painful. She didn’t even try to make it look like a joke. I asked her at age 10 - Mama, would you please not call me dummy because it makes me feel so bad? She said, “Oh it’s just a joke.” She never stopped. I was effectively shut down. I eventually got a Master’s degree with honors but there is that part of me that feels that I just got lucky.
OMG!! This video really speaks to me. I spent so much time trying to hide my creativity because I was criticized for it. I thought there was something wrong with me. Thank you so much for this one, Jay. It is incredibly healing for me and one that I will replay.
I made the mistake of ‘acting’ like a had a real sisterhood with my narcissistic sister. I sent her a photo of a pastel drawing I was thinking of selling. She took an opportunity on a group text meant to care for our mother, to attack my art, mock it as “scribbles’ and mock that I was going to sell it. I have had a creative block since. The only good thing was that this stopped any pining for a sisterhood, no more chances. I’m on the same page for my other siblings for other narcissistic reasons. When I die I will make sure none of them attend my funeral. I will have the last word on shutting their twisted narratives out .
Even though my mother hadn’t been diagnosed with narcissism (yet), this resonates with me so much. I absolutely felt like the scapegoat or the guinea pig growing up. The hell of it is that I’m actually in an MFA program. It has been determined by people qualified to judge that I have a creativity worth developing and yet I’m being held back by the effects of this childhood trauma that I can’t seem to move beyond.
AWESOME VIDEO!!! Been sewing, crocheting about 53 years. Last 16 years been making jewelry…..now I paint, quilt (mostly repurposed jeans). Learning to make bowls and baskets with cotton rope. I just can’t stop 😃😄!! As I move towards my authentic self, I deny myself no change to make something. If I wanna create, I learn it, master it, and go on from there. Soooo opposite of my childhood. Being creative was a waste to both parents 😭. They frowned upon my sewing talent as a waste of money. I was the scapegoat so I had to be busy with chores. I lost an opportunity to attend FIT in NYC, because they never went to my school to meet with my guidance counselor and Home Ec teacher who knew folks at that school. Shame on my parents…..SHAME 😡😠. Thank you for this post…it is so very validating for me ❤️❤️👍🏽👍🏽.
Yes, Jay, as a scapegoat you learn to hide your light under a big bushel. You even start to believe there is no light whatsoever. It wasn't until I left home that I discovered theater and expression through that. I was told too many negative things about myself as a child but they weren't able to extinguish the dream. Make the time and space for it when you're able.
Wow..I'm scraping my jaw off the floor. I feel this in my soul. My mother is a narcissist and I'm the black sheep/scape goat of the family. I cut my mother off, and both siblings...no contact about 3 years ago. I'm 40 now, I finally know what peace is like! Still healing and praying praying praying ❤ I don't feel so crazy or alone now. My mother sabotaged SO many things I was talented at. Drawing, playing music... College..etc She and my siblings...for no reason at all other than they couldn't control me, my husband, or our kids...and couldn't get in our business...couldn't control or manipulate my babies. Three different times they actually tried to get our kids taken. That's when I was done.. I love them, I pray for them ...but it will always be from far away! God bless you all ❤❤ I promise you aren't alone!
I love abstract expressionism. I used to feel limited because I didn’t feel skilled at artistic expression. I can’t accurately create a representation of objects, animals or people. I don’t consider myself to be a creative person, but I love painting for the sake of it. My coworkers once asked me what I paint and I told them “nothing”. It’s very freeing. Using painting knives is especially enjoyable. I use large canvases and choose the colors I want to in that moment. I do often fear trying new things and working through being bad at something in order to get better. But I once saw a Jackson Pollack painting at MoMA. Now, I paint to experience the act of painting. It doesn’t need to be good and it doesn’t need to be valuable to anyone else to be worth doing. It’s valuable to me because I enjoyed doing it and I experienced that moment with joy.
This was very eye opening. I grew up with my parents both labeling me as “ the cleaner” ( every kid was labeled). My sister was the artist so there couldn’t be another one. She was encouraged to be one. I was given worth of if I cleaned the house. I went to school and got a four year degree in art and did very well but since graduating have made very little art on my own away from the classes as I don’t feel I’m doing worthwhile work when I make art on my own. I just threw away three large canvasses I’ve been holding onto for 15 years because i couldn’t bring myself to paint on them. I thought I’d feel better not looking at them but I’m bothered I did it. I won many honors awards and scholarships when I made art in college. I just wish I could breakthrough and see what I make as worthwhile.
This is so timely. On my way to work I asked why I self-sabotage. Everything is finally in place for me to achieve my childhood dream and I just keep trying to ruin it. Only difference is I never gave up and refused to create an option B because I knew I would become complacent. Thankfully I am becoming more aware and dismantling the mechanisms that saved but hold me back.
@@brandivolpe You need to be around people who will encourage you in activities that are good for you in order to reprogram your mind that it's safe to succeed. Once you are "triggered", a bunch of adrenaline is rushing through your bloodstream. You will have anxious thoughts until you can get those adrenaline levels back down to baseline. You have to have enough good experiences with healthy, caring people to override your body's ingrained reaction so this doesn't keep happening and healthy, natural responses to natural stimuli will return(mostly).
My covert narcissistic mother handles my creativity by saying, that an image I create looks good, but she will never be able to do anything like that, as she sighs and roles her eyes, letting everyone know that my creativity reflect badly on her inability and therefore my creativity is a direct provocation to her and serves the purpose of revealing her weakness. Though she says it looks good, what she is really saying is that it makes her look bad! I definitely struggle with my sense of self-worth as a creative person, so I appriciate this video!!
Great video Jay, for me it wasn't so much my parents but my siblings, particularly my older brother. Now that I'm older I can see he was unhappy where he was with his life (when I was a kid - he is 17 years older than me). That didn't give him the right to be meanspirited and a bully to me. I've recently went back to water colour painting and it feels great. I would encourage everyone to find a creative outlet as it makes a huge difference.
Love you Jay! Not to sound extreme here, but God really is showing out for me!!! Here I was with the creative blockages, getting nudged to be/get more creative then I see this video. Always on time
Thats what happened to me as I tried to exist as the scapegoat in a Narcissitic workplace/school. It became exhausting to be creative because it came with the mental heavyweight trying to ward off the intense hate I would get. Some constructive critism(which I think is good) but the random hate ( calling me fat ugly, stinkym not good enough) cyberbullying, shunning, reputation slander,, and accusations of laziness.
I'm sorry! ❤ I dealt with people not liking my data organization ideas at work, even though I used them and they were great! Some people just can't stand others having good ideas 😢 They suck for putting you down and being mean!! You keep coming up with ideas smarty!! ❤
Sometimes I wonder if we, scapegoats, are afraid of success; it feels scary having attention and also being in the spotlight where people can criticize us and we had too much of that. I think there's fear of success. At least I feel it like I could being exposed and vulnerable and we survived hiding and making ourselves small. 😢
@@Lyrielonwind Exactly! Fear of beeing visable at all because that meant so much attacks, so many false accucisations, so much embaressment, moccary, ignoring, telling what is happening infront of you isn´t and everyone saiding with my parents, trethend that you wont rise again if you continue to protest, always told you are discasting, evil, a shame you live, worthless, wont mount to anything, always interfering when something was important to me and making a mess so I couldnt succed, my crying so hard that I wondered if my heart would stop. I remember feeling shame when I was right in kemistry because I soupsedly wouldnt know the answer when noone else did. Falsly accused of sheating by a teacher that I couldnt have written my essay bc it was to good. My father in hatred telling me that he would take everything away from me, other relatives saying the same to me. That was always the message and action. As I´m writing this it dons me in my cour self what I have known mentally; they all refused to allow me to have what they didnt have`, and for so long in my life I have put everyone infront of me and myself last, just like what was there mantra. To write and tell someone is really freedom. I feel adly relewed now and lighter. I really need to do this when I feel stuck and overwhelemd. I learn so much from reading your comments and stories and Read really puts in words what this experience is like, validates. Let us all understand that we are free real talented stronge and beuatifull inside out humans.
Hi Jay, your video's are fantastic and spot-on! My mother went as far as "punishing"other grown-ups responding joyfully to my "showing off". She liked leaving me with my strict, nasty grandmother because she would be sure that my grandmother would "keep me in my place". A mere tone in dissatisfaction from my Grandmother could mean a shouting match all the way home or a hiding. The saying: "Children should be seen and not heard" was a saying that was put into practice. I was lucky to be allowed drawing and painting and do school projects etc because it kept me quiet. I spoke a lot. I was a real chatterbox and that was a cardinal sin in my world, but the minute I decided that I wanted to become a hairstylist with everything in me, my mother scolded me, embarrassed me in front of others or just rubbished my desire for wanting to build a career, own a salon and introduce new hair technology into my salon as something fantastical, stupid and 'low class?' 'LOW CLASS'? I am not allowed to be a hairdresser because it will affect your image??? Our relationship is at its all time worst but, I underwent some online therapy (I had to do it in secret via Zoom but it was worth it. Because of the time zone difference, my mother and father were still in bed when my therapy session finished which was great). My therapist, who immigrated from South Africa to New Zealand. She was a psychiatrist in her own right but took it further and combined it with Pastoral Counselling which was heaven sent for me because I know God and God's point-of-view is like the eagles point-of- view on humanity'as opposed to the worm's point of view. I have respect for certain psychiatrists but on the whole I feel that the undeniable fact that we are spirit being's, with a soul, mind and personality all housed in this temporary body get neglected in therapy or is not accounted for. Psychiatry and therapy definitely has its merits (I mean, it helped me tremendously and I really look forward to each of your videos). Today, I am unemployed and not employable by conventional standards.I am so furious. Hairdressers are needed EVERYWHERE and some country's will actually grant you an immigration visa if you are a skilled hairstylist. I am stuck and I am stuck living under one roof with my narcissistic mother and father. I have slowly come out of my shell as new developments in online marketing and e-commerce together with the persistence in my belief of the wisdom in my heavenly Father, I have a new outlook and possibly a new lease on life.
Always amazing. This one hit extra close to home Jay. Have partnered with creative men my whole life because it had been deemed off limits to me for all of the reasons you outlined here. This really helped me understand why I’ve held this aspect of myself at arms length for so long. Your channel has helped me so much.
hopy crap I didn't know this was a thing other people experienced. I also didn't know the reasons as to why my creative drive was being actively attacked until now. Thank you.
Years ago I read a book called Courage to Create by Rollo May. In it he described how children that were told to go outside and play because you are driving me ( the parent) crazy. Vs the child sent to some sort of activity because (the parent) loves you. The research was saying if the child has to deal with a hard truth they are more adaptable. If the child has to sort out what is true it causes stress and anxiety. Being scapegoated the identity of the self is the truth. Still remains the problem of seeing ppl who don't want to be seen ( in certain ways )
As an actor who is working through past childhood narcissistic trauma, thank you for this video!! As I continue to heal personally, it is freeing me up in my craft to be creative. 🙏🏽
When I was young, my mother wouldn't let me have a favorite color, song, outfit and so on. She would pick everything she liked. I was a shell of a person. It was awful. I am 37 now and now I do have all of those favorite things!!! It took so so many years but God has blessed me with gifts that I can now share with others!
Woah! I do Creative Wellness counseling, and this clicked into a lot for me and my clients! I'm just now making the correlation of my own artistic expression and my parents' narcissistic outbursts and responses. Thank you for articulating this in such a powerful way!
"If you say so" is one of my trigger statements. Lots of therapy to realize/continue to process that but SO WORTH IT to have my creative life back. Connecting MY creativity to MY identity has helped me in deeply healing ways- this is so important for those not allowed to express as an autonomous person separate from caregiver.
I feel like this video came right on time for me. When I was a child I used to read every single book that fell into my hands, but at some point I stopped reading altogether. I'm 47 now, and throughout my life I've been having the need to create stories in my head. Only last year I started writing down some concepts that popped in my mind. Now that I'm back in my country, I decided to join a group of writers last week. I was terrified, I suffered an anxiety attack that lasted the whole meeting. I mean I don't read anything at all now, and there I was surrounded by professional writers. They all were extremely welcoming and nice, and yet I couldn't help but feel like an impostor who shouldn't be there. In my case therapy is not an option. I just came back to Spain from UK where I've been working in low income jobs for 4 years, and I'm trying to find a job here in Spain now (not an easy task in this country). I'm also looking for good narcissistic abuse survivors groups I could join online, so I'm open to suggestions
Soy española, andaluza, y estoy en una situación parecida aunque entré en un curso del ayuntamiento de escritura creativa, la profesora me vio como una amenaza. He sido lectora compulsiva y sé algo de literatura. También he sido profesora de inglés. En la primera clase me señaló y aguanté la humillación en público pero después empezó un acoso indirecto en el grupo de WhatsApp. Dejé el curso porque ya conozco la dinámica y entré con ilusión que pronto desapareció. Llevo tres años en una nueva ciudad costera y llena de guiris pero no he podido hacer ni una amistad. También tengo 61 años y no ayuda la edad. También porque a la gente le parece que una mujer sola no es de fiar. Sólo se me han acercado narcisistas, los hombres a ver qué depredan y las mujeres a qué cotillean. Te entiendo. Cuídate mucho.
Just as I’m going through this! I’m frozen, paralyzed with odd fears when trying to finnish my creative work. Makes me want to use drugs, anything 😢 I can really sense in my body where it is there, how it effects me, but no switch to turn it off. 😢
I had set up unconscious patterns of self-sabotage throughout my life. This current form is self-punishment. Right now I am practicing putting myself first--something very new. I can see it shifting several things in my life, accepting who I am as a person is a big one, and allowing myself to take time through this process. Thank you for a very helpful video.
Using my imagination is the only thing that has ever made truly happy. Being a rescuer/caretaker has actually been extremely soul crushing. I understand what John Worrell Keely, Viktor Schauberger, and Georges Lakhovsky went through. If you want to build something that doesn't exist using principles that no one has ever imagined, you will face resistance and ridicule. My parents never deserved my enthusiasm for my imagination.
Creativity was a big issue between my mother and I. She’d been a fine arts photographer as a hobby and I took on a career in graphic design. But, over the years, as my mother was taken away from her creativity, by remarrying and other events, she began using me as her ghost artist, which we’d never actually discussed. She acted not only as if there was nothing wrong with it, but that she didn’t have to ask and I didn’t have to know. That and other maneuvers seemed to be implemented, so that my livelihood/career, self care and creativity,m became eclipsed by her needs. I withdrew, until I summarily dumped her, as she’d become punitive about everything. Like, why was I at work, when I should be taking her food shopping? She died a couple of years ago. I’m actually glad she’s under no further pressure, to use and abuse me.
My mother had real artistic talent but would never create anything. Instead, I would paint or draw and if it was an “approved” predictable, image, it would be considered good. Although I wasn’t conscious of her motives, I never felt like the artwork represented my true expression. I understand now that she was using me. She was too cowardly to stick her neck out.
I completely get that. My mother claimed one of my pieces as her own. She was too proud to take lessons in painting. Had she done that, who knows what beautiful art she may have created.
This explains a lot, like why my narcissistic mother didn't let me study a career in arts, and when I get an schoolarsgip outside town still refused to help me. When she saw my short film thesis, she was still unconvised of it. She can go reallly far, my shortfilm had winned selections and awards and has connected with people. I will be creative until the end of the days since is the only way I am sure I will find my people and a partner.
“You’d think you would have artistic ability since you’re left handed.” -my malignant narcissistic mother to my grade school take home art. Constantly repeating it when the opportunity arises and pretending it’s the first time she said it. Damn, wasn’t destroying our lives, robbing us of self love enough? They go after our ability to create? There needs to be a diagnosis code for evil.
My teachers started praising my creative writing starting at about age 9. My mother humiliated me, mocked me, laughed at things I wrote. “You’re just a kid! You can’t really write anything!” My mother never even graduated from HS. They did everything they could to stop me from going to college. That would mean the scapegoat would be leaving. Then they tried everything they could to mess up my schooling, to force me to drop out. They failed and I’m still literally hated by them for it although I’m totally no contact with all of them for many years & even changed my entire name. I still feel embarrassed to write anything. Once in a while I might try to write something but then I throw it away, feel it’s stupid & nobody would like it.
They take it on me. They take my creativity on me and get credit for it. I never get a chance to get credit for my own stuff or even be known for it because all of these narcissists take it on me and I end up feeling shafted and upset. It's been like this most of my life. I never got to live fully because of these energy vampires/narcissists. Some even get so gruesome as to read my mind and Gaslight me everyday and night. Its not fair. The only way through it is for me to not think at all it seems like.
I’ve always wondered why my family members felt this way about my writing. My writing is based from my life experiences. Some are related to them others are related to some of the most remarkable things I’ve ever encountered,there’s always a profound message behind it. My siblings would scoff and parents would ignore it. Also ‘friends’ I had also looked down on it!
Great example. I can remember my childhood and the different reactions i got about my art from my narc mother depending on who was present. I can remember her going to school for art when i was 7. I cant remember a time in her life she was not producing art in some form or attending an art collage. She was a qualified art teacher yet never taught. She claimed her nerves were shot, PTSD. Her mother was a narc. Her father and sister could draw and paint and me and my son have inherited it too. My mother sabotaged my desire to draw to the point i stopped and only resumed when it included alcohol. My son never ingaged with my mother and has gone on to make a career from drawing.
Yes. I'm very critical of my creative process. Times that I've wanted to try new things, such as watercoloring, I stopped after the first try as I was so unhappy with how it came out, as if I'm supposed to be perfect from the get go. I am naturally very creative in other ways, I compose music, but I think I could express myself a lot more freely if I wasn't so perfectionist and critical of myself. Thank you so much for speaking on this topic Jay Reid 🙏🏼
In my late 20's I wrote a short story and sent it to a magazine. Well, I told my parents I had written it, my mom said "You can't do that". I told her that I had written it and had sent it to a magazine. It had been accepted and I was going to get paid for it. The look on my mom's face was of total surprise. I am creative but no one else in the family was growing up so it was not acceptable. I was attacked a lot. My mom would yell at me, especially in front of family.
I didn’t know so many other people experienced this combination of toxic shame and guilt. I’ve had to force my way uphill all my life, despite my brother having everything given to him. When I speak, my father goes silent and stares at the table, waiting for me to stop, and then changes the subject. It’s like I’m an unpleasant pause in life that has to be endured. And anything I do creatively is either ignored, or seen as a threat. At my 60’th birthday party, which my father engineered, I finally had an ah ha moment where I realized I’d wasted my whole life hoping to be acknowledged for something that was just about me. And it wasn’t coming, wasn’t ever going to happen. Don’t wait until you’re 60 to affirm your own life. It’s hurtful to have damaging parents, but you can’t change that. I had to accept their abuse and move on. Otherwise, even when they’re dead, they’ll haunt me. But it’s hard. And it hurts a lot. Thanks for sharing your stories and for this video. It really helps.
Thank you so much for addressing this topic. I am a visual artist but grew up with two narcissistic and abusive parents. I'm in my 30s, but this issue has always been present in my life as a felt sense. I also struggled for a long time to be able to share my work. In all of the time I've put into healing, I have never heard someone address these two topics together. It felt really validating, thank you.
I was allowed to create some things. And sometimes. But I never knew when the nastiness would come out. one time I told my mother that a girl said I sing pretty (was about 8) and my mom said "she must be a good friend to say that just so you can feel better about yourself." I did go to dance class but my mom would look at everyone but me. As a little girl, about 5, I got scared she forgot me so i'd run to the middle of the room and point at myself. She'd make fun of me afterward. It hurt my feelings later that all other moms watched their daughters and my mom watched everyone but me. Not even for 5 seconds. Now I realize it was gaslighting.
Dr Jay, how can I make progress, whenever I try to be creative my critical family living rent free in my head and heart start in on me. No matter how hard I try they are there even when I'm asleep.
I started creating art again at 33 years old, and still i draw something every day, sometime i have creativity loss for an amount of time, and other time i just spitt out art that i acually Kinda like My self... I never really show of My art becourse i dont think of My self as a good artist, but it brings me so much peace and it keeps My brain working.. ❤❤❤ I also feel like its giving med more selfconfidence, and people seem to like it
I have a large studio space that feels like a graveyard from lack of use because the work I'm doing was what my mother wanted to do but failed. Every time I step in and move forward it feels like a betrayal to my mother. Or it feels so overwhelming because I feel like I have to make up for interrupting her "dreams" by being born. I'm getting a lot of clarity from these videos and have been decentering my mother in my God given gifts. I don't owe her anything and I don't need to hide. Thank you so much.
Being creative means individuation and that's what was hurtful for them; not possessing you completely.
@@GN315-pe6ul
Exactly.
I had a lawyer for a dad; a very prideful man. He encouraged a lot of great ideals in me as a little kid. One of which was to pursue something I loved. I guess he just figured of course I would want to inherit a law firm-I didn’t.
Music became my salvation from a family that always treated me like I wasn’t important and only worthy of attention when I did something wrong or worthy of scrutiny.
A friend had to talk my parents into coming to see me do a solo gig when I was in my mid-thirties. I had been working professionally by then since I was twenty-one, a very long time by then. Bands for almost twenty years and then solo for another fifteen. They came to see me at a time when my success was perhaps at its height in terms of popularity and making a living. I brought in business and it was very good; I was very good at what I did.
The only memories I have from that night is my dad getting up at some point to maybe go to the bathroom and walking past me like an angry bull making it known he was highly agitated. An otherwise always composed guy, very rare to show anger to that degree.
It both broke my heart and also angered me that he couldn’t even give me a nod of approval even one friggin time when hey everybody else thinks I’m pretty awesome.
Except for you and mom.
The older I get the more all of this stuff just breaks my heart and sinks in even deeper just how detrimental it all was to my well being.
Creativity saved my life. The family couldn’t break me. They ignored me and what I created was made invisible. But they never stopped me or made me give up. They also mocked my piano playing. They tried to compete with me. Being an artist is who I am. However my family trauma has made it a difficult journey and hindered my ability to succeed.
I like what you say : "Creativity saved my life"
Looking back, I would say the same about myself (but then I am an old woman now).
Please allow yourself to create anything you need to.
Me too.
I realized anything I took interest in you would try to turn around on me and send me a lot of Envy at me for even being interested in it then go ahead and be like I don't know what's going on. They act stupid and pretend like they didn't hate my existence take anything I am interested in or like and try to turn it against me and then be like oh nothing ever happened.
Psychological abuse of people ever since I was under 7 years old and over.
Had to cope with chronic fatigue n psychological problems alot. Still do at age 34
me too
Creativity is a daily antidote to family negativity, of choosing to not live by narcissist's family rules. You have stated who you are to them: a creative, an artist. Hang in there and find a way to be bigger than the trauma you experienced. You have much of deep value to share with others, whether by music or other creative endeavors. The journey is always going to be difficult but success is also defined by overcoming your family trauma (THEIR bad behaviors were never about you).
My family has always looked down on creativity.
Then I lost my love for it during relationship abuse.
With encouragement from caring support workers and trauma therapy, I'm slowly regaining that creative passion.
It is flowing through me again now and helping to finally find that precious inner happiness and peace.
Keep doing what you love friends. It is a gift 💜🙏
My mom tried to sabotage every attempt i made to have a successful career as a violinist. I did it anyway and followed my own heart. It certainly was not easy and to this day i get critisized and told i have no talent. Follow your dreams regardless! Ignore the haters. This is your life. Thank-you for your wise words Jay.
Thank you!!!
My mom was trying to make me a violinist, but I just went to music school to find out what other moms can be like. And I always liked to draw and write stories, so she was trying to block all kinds of notepads on my computer to make me bored so i could go play violin. It didn't work. I finished music school with a newbie sound which 4th year music school pupils usually have %) And can't do anything of three good enough. But I,m not sad about it, it just happened
I bet she appeared to be supportive in public
You have just described my life. My mother and father were like that. They killed my love for music and disparaged any attempts to draw. They valued my brother’s creativity while utterly disparaging mine. On top of being a scape goat I was also the invisible child.
I too
Same as
"To be creative is to access the core of who we are". Oh yes ! Thank you so much !
Priceless quote indeed 💯
How dare you enjoy yourself.
I heard that a lot!
That's literally, energetically, what they're saying to you.
"It feels like I´m not supposed to enjoy what I do. The way I know I´m doing legitimate work is if I don´t enjoy it." The curse of my life.
I heavily relate to this
I certainly identify with Alina. I HATE safe art. I always had jobs that I hated because those were “real” jobs. I was told that being an artist or musician wasn’t a “real” job. I never had a good experience with therapists but, recently, have had my artwork validated, not by experts but by real friends.
Good for you. Plus being an artist is way more better than an employee 😅
My narc mother is not around now to stifle me, but I stifle myself. Just realized that.
Creativity may also be initially difficult to approach for many reasons. One of the reasons is Perfectionism. Open hearted creativity that spontaneously emerges from a sacred place within is the desired kind where you don't look a second time to "cover flaws or improve". You admire your work because it's an EXPRESSION and there is no 'perfect expression'.
Spirals of toxic shame play a huge role in being unable to feel worthy of creativity. To be openly creative is to also feel connected to other people and all things. But for the scapegoat survivor, shame based survival being the primary means of showing up in the world cuts them off from the very essence of interconnected creative participation and therefore compels them into hiding and only being creative in silence or in the Margins of their 'ruled notebooks'.
Creativity adds a dimension to a person. From my experience, once you express and it's received well and you see that it's not that bad, you start seeing the TRUTH for what it is and instead of pointing at yourself, your locus of self consciousness starts to shift, outwards.
You begin to see that You've been working extra hard ALL this while, when life can happen easily and respect is given JUST like that. Without any rhyme or reason - No conditions or rules.
This will be the beginning of the new you.
So to anyone reading this sending you loads of healing on your path. You got this and you will do better in no time! ❤
This is obviously unpacked best with the help of a therapist.
The image of your phrase "spirals of toxic shame" is so vivid. It is about to be painted.
@@sage9836 Wishing you all the creative madness and authentic flow. ✨
I totally agree with you about creative work being an expression! And there is no perfect expression, nor is there any *wrong* expression. I feel this way when I create my handmade jewelry sometimes. I feel like these pieces are my "babies." I love them because they're an expression of me, not because they're beautiful or stylish or whatever.
@@carolcyr8553 Golden words right there - There's no WRONG expression.
During childhood (grades 4 - 8) we lived in the country. On Saturday mornings my parents drove 30 minutes to the farmers market in the city. This meant there were several hours when me and my siblings had the house to ourselves. I didn’t know it then, but I realized my mother deliberately didn’t teach my siblings and me how to cook. My mom is a really good cook and I believe she relished in the glory and praise her cooking gave her. As a preteen I often spent the weekend at my best friend’s house. At my friend’s house it was common for her mother to involve her kids with the cooking. This served as both a bonding and teaching moment. I craved this same thing at home. Because my mom was unwilling to allow me to join her when she cooked I used the time when I had the kitchen to myself on Saturday mornings to cook by myself. I taught myself how to cook and recreated recipes by observing my mom from a distance.
I remember my parents came home from the farmers market and a large pot of soup was sitting on the stovetop. I had made the soup that morning. It was one of mom’s specialties. My dad was impressed and kept complimenting me as he helped himself to a second serving. My mom said nothing. She gave me the side eye and stayed unusually quiet. She made sure to mention that she corrected the soup because I added too much water. I never heard a good job from my mom or receive the same accolades that my father doled on me.
I now know that my cooking skills were a threat to my mother. I showed her up and did it despite her not teaching me. I didn’t know she saw it as a form of competition.
I’m sorry you experienced that. It pains me to imagine your shocked reaction at having the box of brownie mix being thrown at you coupled with the biting comment. It really summarizes the sabotage the parent deploys to discourage the child in their pursuits.
I only recognized my mother was competing with me after I submitted some of my stories to another channel and the host pointed this out to me.
I hope you are able to separate the brownie experience and create a new memory that’s filled with love and joy.
I can totally relate - my mom never offered to teach me to cook either- it was all about control.
@@CoffeeinLa38 agreed!
Similar experience, except my Mom was a bad cook, so when my dad ate something at my house and raved about it, she reacted the same way, and refused to eat the chicken because "It wasn't cooked through" - meaning it wasn't a piece of jerky like she made it. My husband pointed out there was no pink in the meat, she refused to eat it, and my dad never complimented my cooking again
My narc mom had 4 daughters, as the scapegoat I was the only one not allowed to help in the kitchen for cooking. " I asked too many questions". So when i married my mother in law taught me a lot. As a kid i was sent to be the helper to Dad in the garden, or doing home repairs. Mom also taught my 3 sisters how to draw, knit and
Paint..no not me inwas too clumsy. It always felt so unfair.
Why is this so relatable 😢. Self expression, creativity was blocked. Even when I wanted to be creative in the kitchen and get some cooking skills mum would bash me for making mess. I was so blocked in the area of doing anything manual. That's a source of my big insecurity bc I felt like everyone is judging me and I have 2 left hands. Because my mum was so possesive over everything in the house I learned to dissociate and live in my head, not earth. I always compared myself negatively to folks with manual skills. I also loved singing and dancing as a kid. Subconsciously I knew that I am not welcomed to express joy. I had no social life bc I was surpressed emotionally. Joy is not allowed for scapegoat, only survival mode. It's like my inner child is begging for self expression now.
Right there with you! You expressed it so well! I also had and have no social life😢 I was just doing some dancing yesterday to my 80's music on RUclips,and for the rest of the day I felt "different" and lighter, and more carefree! It was a wonderful feeling! Music dancing singing were my joys as a child, but once I sensed Mom's disapproval for my music and prob dance moves,she only liked ballroom, I stopped doing it. It was prob forbidden by her being disgusted with my music,therefore not allowed and most def not encouraged! Bring that kid back, turn up the volume, and dance!!! ❤❤
‘Subconsciously i knew i am not welcomed to express joy’ this. There was always a push back when i was happy free etc they always had negative things to say to break my spirit you really had to learn how to feel joy without not feeling like you don’t deserve it etc. Hard and daunting so not fair
I can relate. Horrible mother. Alcoholic father. Except I feel I was locked away within myself at 12 and I created a persona. I remember thinking, people think you are who you show them. So. I created a self assured, fun, outgoing, fearless persona. I couldn't feel anything. I was completely numbed out by this point. I could do anything lol. I've been working on myself since age 24, getting help. Lucky, I got into treatment, I felt my first sense of safety in my life. I was walking on clouds. So happy. It took over 30 years to peel it all back, drop the armor, and finally be me. I've never felt better or been more free, even on my worse days. Still working on it tho. They made quite the wreck of me. Good luck to all.
You go for it. Manual dexterity and skill can be learned through doing by everyone. Cooking, sports, music, art let's do it everyone! ❤🎉
I understand that !
This is exactly why I made my youtube channel. The world deserves what I have to offer.
I grew up with two narcissistic parents. Alena’s father sounds just like my covert, malignant stepfather. Self expression of any type was either attacked, belittled or ignored by both parents, but on a few occassions in the presence of others, my mother stated that I was “a good artist”, “she can “draw”. Any compliments to my character or other skills did not exist. Since going no contact with my abusive family of origin, my inner child is anxious to make her way back to her talents, like writing and other expressive endeavors, but the c-PTSD continues to block me in various ways. Though, Im hopeful that with continued healing, I will revisit my long-buried strengths and express them in a way that will contribute to a newfound flow of unbridled achievement.
Yes. I feel the same. I was very creative but I don't know what is blocking it because I have been in no contact for a few years but still don't have the drive I use to have even in my worst moments.
Me too. @@Lyrielonwind
@@Lyrielonwind I recommend shadow work
@@JessAnonymous
Shadow work, EMDR, somatic exercises, mindfulness, diaphragmatic breathing, inner child work, a job, an honest lawyer ( a unicorn) and finding non narcissistic people who I can befriend.
That's should work.
Thank you so much!!
My mother threw away all my childhood art while at college
Stacks and stacks of it
I would go to my room and be free
Drawing as a child
My gift
My passion..
I’m in my last decades of life and feel the block as I try now
Not good enough
This message is so freeing ❤
Please tell your self all the things you have always wanted to hear
Yes
I have a support group for validation
You are so sweet to reply
Thank you so much
Hugs
Have a beautiful day
Please continue to make art, the world needs it! the "not good enough" is not you speaking...
I had an art scholarship but couldnt go . I was told i was " wierd enough " already . This resonates w me alot . So hard to push down that loud voice of who you are 😢
I think an issue can be that you only have a sense of being loved when you are passive - so doing anything creative means being active and that makes you feel unloved. Being passive also keeps you dependent on the narcissistic parent.
Excellent observation. ✅️
Soooo true !!
I felt I never even had an opportunity to develop an intererest for anything. Is that common? I have always longed so badly to find something I love. Was alwys drawn to creativity, but I hate everything I create😢.. However, last month I tried karaoke, and absolutely loved it. Maybe thats my sort of creativity❤
Thanks, wonderful post. A wildly creative child(piano, drawing, writing)I shut off my creative gifts one by one and shoved myself and my creativity back into the shadows.
Told I was gifted at piano.Pathological envy from the narc. Did manage to write a book..
Knocked down 7 times, get up 8.
Creativity is what saved me. I went into my own world and lived there as often as I could.
New video dropped harder than my self esteem during childhood 🔥😅😭😂
I was always told to " tone it down", by mom and sisters who were insecure and introverted.
I'm miserable. I wasted my life.
I wish hope, love and happiness for you and your life. You matter, beautiful stranger ❤
Sorry this happened. These people aren't worth your time.
My goodness painful to read this I identify. The similarities are remarkable. Now I have faith. Now I have hope. And so can you. My Creator saved me my Creator did for me what I could not do for myself. I love you know that you are loved. You are a beautiful creation made in the image of something greater. He knows you by name. 🙏
Remember this what you are going through and what you have been through someone has already been there. You are not alone !!
Your journey will be someone else's road map out of hell. You are blessed.
@@lilly7908 it’s crazy how narcissistic/evil parents are the norm. How crazy is that?? Almost like where is the creator telling them that what they are doing is wrong?
@@lilly7908❤️🔥💕💥🩷
This has been one of the most painful effects of my Narcissistic Mother. I was arty all through life and it came from my father’s side of the family. Having finished school and gaining University Entrance in all art subjects, I applied to University here in New Zealand 🇳🇿 with the passion of being an Interior Designer. My mother got home from work, snatched all the pamphlets and ripped them all up in front of me snarling at me “you’re not good enough to be an Interior Designer. You don’t have enough talent.” She forced me off into Teaching and the stress of her intervention is something I’ve never recovered from. It’s a grief I never got over.
I resonate deeply with this. I wanted to be a dr and my mother came home with nursing college pamphlets saying I didn’t have what it took to be a dr. Years later I saw my results from the test they give you in France to see what your strengths are, and I scored very high in being recommended the scientific stream. Hit me like a ton of bricks when I read that. And the snarling… Mindfulness studies is what has changed my life. I have so much internal peace now. I never thought I would be rid of her voice in my head!
She tore my painting when I was 12!
@@zohashahid30984 That’s horrible! My mom mounted my brother’s artwork and put it up on the wall- no idea what happened to mine 😞
@@zohashahid30984 yes I believe something similar happened to me but my mother is so covert I cannot be sure. As a child I had made an intricate house construction for my toys out of cardboard etc. I got home from school to find it all ripped to shreds. My mother claimed our foster child had done it. But as the years have gone by, I’ve tried to piece together if the foster child was even home at the time. I don’t believe she was
I've always been quite rebellious, and continued to make my art even though my narcissistic parents told me it would never amount to anything. My issue now is, dressing creatively, as I've always wanted to do, but was put down for it, or told I looked "ridiculous ". I'm now living in defiance of that, and dressing how I want, and it's so much fun! I even cut my own hair into a funky style too, and have got so much enjoyment from presenting myself how I want, and not how they wanted. ❤🎉🥂💃
❤❤❤
Awesome 😎
Learned to never show or mention my accomplishments or artwork at all by about 7 years old.
Me too
You know I feel that fear and resistance when I started to journal as my mother used to read my journals and use the information against me growing up. She used to go into my room all the time and go through my things, open my letters even as an adult and even try to get into my computer which was always thankfully password protected. She lied when I called her out on it and said I forgot to turn the laptop off. I had that resistance when I started journaling- that someone might come and read it. Or when I do anything that gives me joy I automatically think about how my mother and father would disparage me if there were present. One of the best things I have ever done in my life was run away with my doggie to another country and start over in my 30s. Even then my mother tried to track me down and caused so much trauma. But it’s been 14 years and I have gone no contact with them. It’s possible to get away but the healing process is ongoing.
I can totally relate. Moving away from them is the best thing ever!
I can't believe how many of your experiences I share - my mom read my journals too, which I kept between my mattress, and when I asked her why she was snooping around my room she said she was "looking for a pencil" - dad bavked her up, so I learned to shrink and gaslight myself. Never kept a journal since. She threatened to get me counseling because I was obvioysly mentally ill and a horrible ungrateful dtr (I was 13). Guess she didn't like how I wrote how much I hated her and wished the neighbor was my mom.
@@pam8056 I am so sorry that you had to experience that. Mine just said that it’s her right and I had to right to privacy. As a teenager or as an adult. I hope that you take the time to heal from their abuse. It is possible. All the best. 💜
Same. Worst thing is they shared with other relatives. Giggled in my face but never accepts or acknowledge my feelings when I confronted them.
Those things shaped me and I shaped them.
I'm a writer, its one thing that they couldn't squash full becausei didnt have to talk about it, i have been struggling to finish projects since i went no contact a few years ago. Thank you for this ❤
Same here. A few months ago I joined a gym. I am hoping that taking the focus off my creative struggle will bring my muse back.
@Ladybug2461 ❤️
My dad made me hate my creativity much,i remember at the age of 7 and he was comparing me to younger kids for playing piano better,he always was mad when I don't perfect things since day 1, i remember when i told him i wanted to start a RUclips channel at the age of 14 and he got so angry and abusive and hit he for like 30s straight while my family were watching and not helping but also ended up blaming me, for example mom said: "you're the reason your dad almost got a heart attack " when i was just 14! He made me detach so much from all of my creative expressions & my feelings since he shamed me for it too, I'm 22 now and I'm glad at least i know about narcissistic abuse, hope everyone can heal from this❤
My creative ability is filled with fear, perfectionsim and guilt. I cannot tap into my creative instincts. This feeling of not worthy has impacted my belief system as well as my communication. I started to forget words and can't talk fluently. I used to play video games and it was center of my child-like ability to live. I am not able to physically enjoy them. I am a very wide skilled guy and I can't perform a single arithmetic question without overthinking.
Another aspect of this is our habit of recreating our parents dismissive attitude and criticism within ourself. We literally read from their script so often. We are robbed of simply loving and enjoying our creations. One of the last things my female parent did was remove a painting of mine she had on her wall for several years, left in in a room on the floor turned to face the wall, saying it made her feel stressed. I said it was ok!!! A reflex conciliatory response. It was the last time I saw her, 2 years ago. Something about that blatant devaluation hit me so hard in the gut that I woke up and left the relationship. I still struggle in agonies with my true creative nature and it breaks my heart. A lost life.
I loved to draw and be creative when I was young. Now I can’t sit for 5 minutes bc of the stress and being in fight or flight for so long
This really spoke to my experience - my mom's message to me my whole life was the double-edged sword of "Be good enough I can brag about you, but never better than me" and that bar moved continuously. Be pretty- but not prettier than me, be thin- but not thinner than me, be creative- but not better than me. I haven't painted in 15 years, after 3 incidents- 1. I painted a portrait of her dog as a gift, and after she recieved it, she put it in a corner of her room and painted another one of her and my dog together (they were litter mates) and prominently displayed hers (which was ok work, but not artistically on par with mine, which I was realizing she hated). 2. I showed her a pic of my son at the beach I was going to paint, and had bought a large canvas and a big printout of the pic. Next time I visited her house, she had "beat me to it" and had one already painted and on her wall. 3. My neice passed away, and I mentioned to her I was going to paint a pic of her as a gift to my Aunt. You guessed it- a few weeks later I was at her house and she had already done one, again, not the best quality, and it negated my ability to then do it and gift my Aunt. I buy art supplies, have a whole set up, but feel extreme dread sitting down to do it. I've found a creative outlet in sewing, gardening, but it's not the same.
Thank you so much for this video- it's really going to help me move past this. I've been no contact with her for 8 years, but the monster is still in my head.
This is my story.....I am in and out of my artistic pursuits. I have a drawing I started last year and keep saying I'm going to work on it everyday. It is only half finished and no matter what intention I set, I don't stick to it. My parent was jealous of all of my creative talents. She didn't even have to walk into the room to see me working on something, it was as if she sensed it and would interrupt and direct me to house chores. When I minored in art in college she told me one summer I should be working on a job instead of taking an art class. I was already struggling with the concepts of 3-D design in this particular class so the guilt of attending and committing to the projects made it more difficult. I eventually sabotaged my entire path as a writer/artist by other useless distractions. I ended up finishing my major in English but had to drop art. My parent knew i was good at all of my art, but for some reason, seemed to hate and suppress my creative desires. She tried to instill in me putting the family first and doing house chores to ridiculous perfection and denied me the artistic development classes I deeply wanted. Thank you for putting this in context where i can process her behavior differently. I have been an advocate for helping ppl to heal and grow self-confidence through art because it was my go-to for mental health survival, but I secretly still struggle with being the artist (actress, poet, writer) i desire to be. Even when itake classes, im too self-conscious to enjoy it, relax and grow amd stick to it. Although my mother is not the same and shows support of my achievements (non artistic for the most part), the guilt is real.
Narcissists hate creative people. It makes them feel mediocre.
looove the camouflaged dog back there 😆 so cute.
8:47 "It's better to be a devalued somebody to someone, than to be a nobody to no one". Wow this hit me deep.You've summed up the core belief under my entire adulthood of relationships right there.
I took a class in 19th c. literature at college. One of the profs had a PhD in literature from Yale. I'd put a paper in about the characters in a well known French novel and illustrated how they could be related to Jungian archetypes. He called me aside to his office, said I was a 'closet genius' and overall was very excited about this so called revelation of mine, which I really had no idea - I kept downplaying it and said "Well, Jung had used fairy tales to illustrate what he meant, so what's the big deal - I just applied the concept of archetype to a different story..." In any case, I relayed this to my mother, who got on the phone and told a friend of hers about it while smirking at me and saying to her friend "Can you believe these nutty PhD's?" or something to that effect
(and there's more, but I'll spare you). A few years later, unbeknownst to me (I JUST found out about it last year) a book was written about this very same topic (characters as Jungian archetypes) by an author working in the film industry - it has been used for a couple decades now by screenwriters as some sort of "Bible" and lauded as a breakthrough concept. Oh, well...
I can so relate - I have always doubted myself in all creative outlets - I had a sewing project- a simple apron - in 4th grade - I was 10 and my narcissistic mother didn’t have any patience in teaching me how to sew- it was never ‘perfect enough ‘ for her liking, so ultimately, she would make me get up from the sewing machine and she ended up sewing the entire apron. I then had to pretend it was my work , when it was all her work. This was all so damaging and confusing to me. My clueless dad always took her side as well- he was definitely the scape goat parent.
both my parents were narcissistic. (one malignant, the other grandiose) They both tried to shut my creativity down on top of destroying the little remaining of self esteem i could save. But weirdly enough there was a voice inside of me that was stronger and pushed me to draw and stay creative. I spent my teenage years, my early twenties perfecting my craft, I gave it all quite literally (paying the price today with physical and mental health issues -hello burnout-) as my parents cut me off when i decided to study art. I have built my whole life around my passion. Today i am working in a very creative field but because it is a huge corporation I feel the urge to create only for myself now. I also went NC with my parents and some of my sisters as "making art is not a real job". NEVER GIVE UP. listen to your inner voice. MAKE ART!!!
Thank you 🥺🥰
Yes, I've struggled with shame in every aspect of my life. I'm slowly getting better and I feel genuine relief every now and then. I was getting worried I'd never get well. I feel hopeful ❤
The Pup! 🐕❤
I had never thought of going to a therapist about my fear of creativity. Also, when selling my paintings prople would say that they would love to paint, but they can't draw a straight line. There is not a straight line to be seen in much art. It was this fear, that they have to follow a set of rules that is nor actually relevant just to enjoy playing with some paint as a hobby pr selling paintings. And some think they have to paint a huge and magnificent seascape to be a painter. All these rules. The book Life, Paint, and Passion. You need no artistic skill to rock. Changed my life.
This is a very important part of self reclamation. Great video! Narcissistic abuse takes you out of your own creative flow and reconnecting with it is key.
I was about 16 or 17. I was trying to teach myself how to paint. My mother was pretty good at art so I wanted to try my hand at it. She asked to see it way before it was finished. I was unsure of myself and embarrassed. I asked her would it be ok if I showed her when I finished. She became infuriated and screamed “Who the hell do you think you are, Vincent Van Gogh!?” I threw it away and never tried again until I was 63. She liked to call me dummy. “Hand me the salt dummy.” It was said so casually. That made it more painful. She didn’t even try to make it look like a joke. I asked her at age 10 - Mama, would you please not call me dummy because it makes me feel so bad? She said, “Oh it’s just a joke.” She never stopped. I was effectively shut down. I eventually got a Master’s degree with honors but there is that part of me that feels that I just got lucky.
OMG!! This video really speaks to me. I spent so much time trying to hide my creativity because I was criticized for it. I thought there was something wrong with me. Thank you so much for this one, Jay. It is incredibly healing for me and one that I will replay.
I made the mistake of ‘acting’ like a had a real sisterhood with my narcissistic sister. I sent her a photo of a pastel drawing I was thinking of selling. She took an opportunity on a group text meant to care for our mother, to attack my art, mock it as “scribbles’ and mock that I was going to sell it. I have had a creative block since. The only good thing was that this stopped any pining for a sisterhood, no more chances. I’m on the same page for my other siblings for other narcissistic reasons. When I die I will make sure none of them attend my funeral. I will have the last word on shutting their twisted narratives out .
Even though my mother hadn’t been diagnosed with narcissism (yet), this resonates with me so much. I absolutely felt like the scapegoat or the guinea pig growing up. The hell of it is that I’m actually in an MFA program. It has been determined by people qualified to judge that I have a creativity worth developing and yet I’m being held back by the effects of this childhood trauma that I can’t seem to move beyond.
AWESOME VIDEO!!! Been sewing, crocheting about 53 years. Last 16 years been making jewelry…..now I paint, quilt (mostly repurposed jeans). Learning to make bowls and baskets with cotton rope. I just can’t stop 😃😄!! As I move towards my authentic self, I deny myself no change to make something. If I wanna create, I learn it, master it, and go on from there. Soooo opposite of my childhood. Being creative was a waste to both parents 😭. They frowned upon my sewing talent as a waste of money. I was the scapegoat so I had to be busy with chores. I lost an opportunity to attend FIT in NYC, because they never went to my school to meet with my guidance counselor and Home Ec teacher who knew folks at that school. Shame on my parents…..SHAME 😡😠. Thank you for this post…it is so very validating for me ❤️❤️👍🏽👍🏽.
Yes, Jay, as a scapegoat you learn to hide your light under a big bushel. You even start to believe there is no light whatsoever. It wasn't until I left home that I discovered theater and expression through that. I was told too many negative things about myself as a child but they weren't able to extinguish the dream. Make the time and space for it when you're able.
Wow..I'm scraping my jaw off the floor. I feel this in my soul. My mother is a narcissist and I'm the black sheep/scape goat of the family. I cut my mother off, and both siblings...no contact about 3 years ago. I'm 40 now, I finally know what peace is like! Still healing and praying praying praying ❤
I don't feel so crazy or alone now.
My mother sabotaged SO many things I was talented at.
Drawing, playing music... College..etc
She and my siblings...for no reason at all other than they couldn't control me, my husband, or our kids...and couldn't get in our business...couldn't control or manipulate my babies. Three different times they actually tried to get our kids taken. That's when I was done..
I love them, I pray for them ...but it will always be from far away!
God bless you all ❤❤
I promise you aren't alone!
I love you Jay. your videos make me cry
Im a painter so this is a very useful video for me❤❤
Dear Mr. Reid, it feels like you are speaking directly to me in this one! This was my experience exactly! Thank you so very much🧡😊
I love abstract expressionism. I used to feel limited because I didn’t feel skilled at artistic expression. I can’t accurately create a representation of objects, animals or people. I don’t consider myself to be a creative person, but I love painting for the sake of it. My coworkers once asked me what I paint and I told them “nothing”. It’s very freeing. Using painting knives is especially enjoyable. I use large canvases and choose the colors I want to in that moment. I do often fear trying new things and working through being bad at something in order to get better. But I once saw a Jackson Pollack painting at MoMA. Now, I paint to experience the act of painting. It doesn’t need to be good and it doesn’t need to be valuable to anyone else to be worth doing. It’s valuable to me because I enjoyed doing it and I experienced that moment with joy.
This was very eye opening. I grew up with my parents both labeling me as “ the cleaner” ( every kid was labeled). My sister was the artist so there couldn’t be another one. She was encouraged to be one. I was given worth of if I cleaned the house. I went to school and got a four year degree in art and did very well but since graduating have made very little art on my own away from the classes as I don’t feel I’m doing worthwhile work when I make art on my own. I just threw away three large canvasses I’ve been holding onto for 15 years because i couldn’t bring myself to paint on them. I thought I’d feel better not looking at them but I’m bothered I did it. I won many honors awards and scholarships when I made art in college. I just wish I could breakthrough and see what I make as worthwhile.
I like your dog ... I'm drawing him💫✌☺
This is so timely. On my way to work I asked why I self-sabotage. Everything is finally in place for me to achieve my childhood dream and I just keep trying to ruin it. Only difference is I never gave up and refused to create an option B because I knew I would become complacent. Thankfully I am becoming more aware and dismantling the mechanisms that saved but hold me back.
Have you figured out how to stop the self sabotage?
@@brandivolpe Nope. I just have to recognize that I am doing it. Hopefully with a new therapist I can figure that out.
@@brandivolpe You need to be around people who will encourage you in activities that are good for you in order to reprogram your mind that it's safe to succeed. Once you are "triggered", a bunch of adrenaline is rushing through your bloodstream. You will have anxious thoughts until you can get those adrenaline levels back down to baseline. You have to have enough good experiences with healthy, caring people to override your body's ingrained reaction so this doesn't keep happening and healthy, natural responses to natural stimuli will return(mostly).
I really needed this one today, Dr.Jay. ☆♡☆
So grateful that you've chosen this focus as a healer...and that you share so compassionately.
Thank you ❤
My covert narcissistic mother handles my creativity by saying, that an image I create looks good, but she will never be able to do anything like that, as she sighs and roles her eyes, letting everyone know that my creativity reflect badly on her inability and therefore my creativity is a direct provocation to her and serves the purpose of revealing her weakness. Though she says it looks good, what she is really saying is that it makes her look bad! I definitely struggle with my sense of self-worth as a creative person, so I appriciate this video!!
Great video Jay, for me it wasn't so much my parents but my siblings, particularly my older brother. Now that I'm older I can see he was unhappy where he was with his life (when I was a kid - he is 17 years older than me). That didn't give him the right to be meanspirited and a bully to me. I've recently went back to water colour painting and it feels great. I would encourage everyone to find a creative outlet as it makes a huge difference.
Love you Jay! Not to sound extreme here, but God really is showing out for me!!! Here I was with the creative blockages, getting nudged to be/get more creative then I see this video. Always on time
Thats what happened to me as I tried to exist as the scapegoat in a Narcissitic workplace/school. It became exhausting to be creative because it came with the mental heavyweight trying to ward off the intense hate I would get. Some constructive critism(which I think is good) but the random hate ( calling me fat ugly, stinkym not good enough) cyberbullying, shunning, reputation slander,, and accusations of laziness.
I'm sorry! ❤ I dealt with people not liking my data organization ideas at work, even though I used them and they were great! Some people just can't stand others having good ideas 😢 They suck for putting you down and being mean!! You keep coming up with ideas smarty!! ❤
Sometimes I wonder if we, scapegoats, are afraid of success; it feels scary having attention and also being in the spotlight where people can criticize us and we had too much of that.
I think there's fear of success. At least I feel it like I could being exposed and vulnerable and we survived hiding and making ourselves small. 😢
@@lapislazuliphoenixcan relate - so many petty, peevish "little people" out there
@@Lyrielonwind Exactly! Fear of beeing visable at all because that meant so much attacks, so many false accucisations, so much embaressment, moccary, ignoring, telling what is happening infront of you isn´t and everyone saiding with my parents, trethend that you wont rise again if you continue to protest, always told you are discasting, evil, a shame you live, worthless, wont mount to anything, always interfering when something was important to me and making a mess so I couldnt succed, my crying so hard that I wondered if my heart would stop. I remember feeling shame when I was right in kemistry because I soupsedly wouldnt know the answer when noone else did. Falsly accused of sheating by a teacher that I couldnt have written my essay bc it was to good. My father in hatred telling me that he would take everything away from me, other relatives saying the same to me. That was always the message and action. As I´m writing this it dons me in my cour self what I have known mentally; they all refused to allow me to have what they didnt have`, and for so long in my life I have put everyone infront of me and myself last, just like what was there mantra. To write and tell someone is really freedom. I feel adly relewed now and lighter. I really need to do this when I feel stuck and overwhelemd. I learn so much from reading your comments and stories and Read really puts in words what this experience is like, validates. Let us all understand that we are free real talented stronge and beuatifull inside out humans.
Hi Jay, your video's are fantastic and spot-on! My mother went as far as "punishing"other grown-ups responding joyfully to my "showing off". She liked leaving me with my strict, nasty grandmother because she would be sure that my grandmother would "keep me in my place". A mere tone in dissatisfaction from my Grandmother could mean a shouting match all the way home or a hiding. The saying: "Children should be seen and not heard" was a saying that was put into practice. I was lucky to be allowed drawing and painting and do school projects etc because it kept me quiet. I spoke a lot. I was a real chatterbox and that was a cardinal sin in my world, but the minute I decided that I wanted to become a hairstylist with everything in me, my mother scolded me, embarrassed me in front of others or just rubbished my desire for wanting to build a career, own a salon and introduce new hair technology into my salon as something fantastical, stupid and 'low class?' 'LOW CLASS'? I am not allowed to be a hairdresser because it will affect your image??? Our relationship is at its all time worst but, I underwent some online therapy (I had to do it in secret via Zoom but it was worth it. Because of the time zone difference, my mother and father were still in bed when my therapy session finished which was great). My therapist, who immigrated from South Africa to New Zealand. She was a psychiatrist in her own right but took it further and combined it with Pastoral Counselling which was heaven sent for me because I know God and God's point-of-view is like the eagles point-of- view on humanity'as opposed to the worm's point of view. I have respect for certain psychiatrists but on the whole I feel that the undeniable fact that we are spirit being's, with a soul, mind and personality all housed in this temporary body get neglected in therapy or is not accounted for. Psychiatry and therapy definitely has its merits (I mean, it helped me tremendously and I really look forward to each of your videos). Today, I am unemployed and not employable by conventional standards.I am so furious. Hairdressers are needed EVERYWHERE and some country's will actually grant you an immigration visa if you are a skilled hairstylist. I am stuck and I am stuck living under one roof with my narcissistic mother and father. I have slowly come out of my shell as new developments in online marketing and e-commerce together with the persistence in my belief of the wisdom in my heavenly Father, I have a new outlook and possibly a new lease on life.
This is what I am now dealing with. It's very hard to be creative now and it's extremely painful not to be. It's such a hard loop.
Always amazing. This one hit extra close to home Jay. Have partnered with creative men my whole life because it had been deemed off limits to me for all of the reasons you outlined here. This really helped me understand why I’ve held this aspect of myself at arms length for so long. Your channel has helped me so much.
Listening to this video is freeing. The story you shared I can relate to way too much!!!
Thank you for sharing this and making this video!!!
hopy crap I didn't know this was a thing other people experienced.
I also didn't know the reasons as to why my creative drive was being actively attacked until now.
Thank you.
Years ago I read a book called Courage to Create by Rollo May. In it he described how children that were told to go outside and play because you are driving me ( the parent) crazy. Vs the child sent to some sort of activity because (the parent) loves you. The research was saying if the child has to deal with a hard truth they are more adaptable. If the child has to sort out what is true it causes stress and anxiety. Being scapegoated the identity of the self is the truth. Still remains the problem of seeing ppl who don't want to be seen ( in certain ways )
The damage done by family will haunt you forever. You will never be good enough
... for them.
As an actor who is working through past childhood narcissistic trauma, thank you for this video!! As I continue to heal personally, it is freeing me up in my craft to be creative. 🙏🏽
When I was young, my mother wouldn't let me have a favorite color, song, outfit and so on. She would pick everything she liked. I was a shell of a person. It was awful. I am 37 now and now I do have all of those favorite things!!! It took so so many years but God has blessed me with gifts that I can now share with others!
Woah! I do Creative Wellness counseling, and this clicked into a lot for me and my clients! I'm just now making the correlation of my own artistic expression and my parents' narcissistic outbursts and responses. Thank you for articulating this in such a powerful way!
"If you say so" is one of my trigger statements. Lots of therapy to realize/continue to process that but SO WORTH IT to have my creative life back. Connecting MY creativity to MY identity has helped me in deeply healing ways- this is so important for those not allowed to express as an autonomous person separate from caregiver.
I feel like this video came right on time for me.
When I was a child I used to read every single book that fell into my hands, but at some point I stopped reading altogether. I'm 47 now, and throughout my life I've been having the need to create stories in my head. Only last year I started writing down some concepts that popped in my mind.
Now that I'm back in my country, I decided to join a group of writers last week. I was terrified, I suffered an anxiety attack that lasted the whole meeting. I mean I don't read anything at all now, and there I was surrounded by professional writers. They all were extremely welcoming and nice, and yet I couldn't help but feel like an impostor who shouldn't be there.
In my case therapy is not an option. I just came back to Spain from UK where I've been working in low income jobs for 4 years, and I'm trying to find a job here in Spain now (not an easy task in this country).
I'm also looking for good narcissistic abuse survivors groups I could join online, so I'm open to suggestions
Soy española, andaluza, y estoy en una situación parecida aunque entré en un curso del ayuntamiento de escritura creativa, la profesora me vio como una amenaza. He sido lectora compulsiva y sé algo de literatura. También he sido profesora de inglés.
En la primera clase me señaló y aguanté la humillación en público pero después empezó un acoso indirecto en el grupo de WhatsApp. Dejé el curso porque ya conozco la dinámica y entré con ilusión que pronto desapareció. Llevo tres años en una nueva ciudad costera y llena de guiris pero no he podido hacer ni una amistad.
También tengo 61 años y no ayuda la edad. También porque a la gente le parece que una mujer sola no es de fiar. Sólo se me han acercado narcisistas, los hombres a ver qué depredan y las mujeres a qué cotillean. Te entiendo. Cuídate mucho.
@@Lyrielonwind Muchas gracias! Cuídate tú también 😊
@@tsukigalleta 💜💃
All I want to say is You go girl! Hairstylist are some of the most creative people out there and normal folks love them!
Just as I’m going through this! I’m frozen, paralyzed with odd fears when trying to finnish my creative work. Makes me want to use drugs, anything 😢 I can really sense in my body where it is there, how it effects me, but no switch to turn it off. 😢
I had set up unconscious patterns of self-sabotage throughout my life. This current form is self-punishment. Right now I am practicing putting myself first--something very new. I can see it shifting several things in my life, accepting who I am as a person is a big one, and allowing myself to take time through this process. Thank you for a very helpful video.
Using my imagination is the only thing that has ever made truly happy. Being a rescuer/caretaker has actually been extremely soul crushing. I understand what John Worrell Keely, Viktor Schauberger, and Georges Lakhovsky went through. If you want to build something that doesn't exist using principles that no one has ever imagined, you will face resistance and ridicule.
My parents never deserved my enthusiasm for my imagination.
Creativity was a big issue between my mother and I. She’d been a fine arts photographer as a hobby and I took on a career in graphic design.
But, over the years, as my mother was taken away from her creativity, by remarrying and other events, she began using me as her ghost artist, which we’d never actually discussed. She acted not only as if there was nothing wrong with it, but that she didn’t have to ask and I didn’t have to know. That and other maneuvers seemed to be implemented, so that my livelihood/career, self care and creativity,m became eclipsed by her needs. I withdrew, until I summarily dumped her, as she’d become punitive about everything. Like, why was I at work, when I should be taking her food shopping? She died a couple of years ago. I’m actually glad she’s under no further pressure, to use and abuse me.
My mother had real artistic talent but would never create anything. Instead, I would paint or draw and if it was an “approved” predictable, image, it would be considered good. Although I wasn’t conscious of her motives, I never felt like the artwork represented my true expression. I understand now that she was using me. She was too cowardly to stick her neck out.
I completely get that. My mother claimed one of my pieces as her own. She was too proud to take lessons in painting. Had she done that, who knows what beautiful art she may have created.
RUclips really understands me I've been looking for this
This explains a lot, like why my narcissistic mother didn't let me study a career in arts, and when I get an schoolarsgip outside town still refused to help me. When she saw my short film thesis, she was still unconvised of it. She can go reallly far, my shortfilm had winned selections and awards and has connected with people. I will be creative until the end of the days since is the only way I am sure I will find my people and a partner.
“You’d think you would have artistic ability since you’re left handed.” -my malignant narcissistic mother to my grade school take home art. Constantly repeating it when the opportunity arises and pretending it’s the first time she said it. Damn, wasn’t destroying our lives, robbing us of self love enough? They go after our ability to create? There needs to be a diagnosis code for evil.
My teachers started praising my creative writing starting at about age 9. My mother humiliated me, mocked me, laughed at things I wrote. “You’re just a kid! You can’t really write anything!” My mother never even graduated from HS. They did everything they could to stop me from going to college. That would mean the scapegoat would be leaving. Then they tried everything they could to mess up my schooling, to force me to drop out. They failed and I’m still literally hated by them for it although I’m totally no contact with all of them for many years & even changed my entire name. I still feel embarrassed to write anything. Once in a while I might try to write something but then I throw it away, feel it’s stupid & nobody would like it.
They take it on me.
They take my creativity on me and get credit for it.
I never get a chance to get credit for my own stuff or even be known for it because all of these narcissists take it on me and I end up feeling shafted and upset.
It's been like this most of my life. I never got to live fully because of these energy vampires/narcissists.
Some even get so gruesome as to read my mind and Gaslight me everyday and night. Its not fair.
The only way through it is for me to not think at all it seems like.
I’ve always wondered why my family members felt this way about my writing. My writing is based from my life experiences. Some are related to them others are related to some of the most remarkable things I’ve ever encountered,there’s always a profound message behind it. My siblings would scoff and parents would ignore it. Also ‘friends’ I had also looked down on it!
This is what i have went through. Thank you so much for making this video. Now I can explain my friends and closest
Thank You 💗 ✨ 💫.
Great example. I can remember my childhood and the different reactions i got about my art from my narc mother depending on who was present. I can remember her going to school for art when i was 7. I cant remember a time in her life she was not producing art in some form or attending an art collage. She was a qualified art teacher yet never taught. She claimed her nerves were shot, PTSD. Her mother was a narc. Her father and sister could draw and paint and me and my son have inherited it too. My mother sabotaged my desire to draw to the point i stopped and only resumed when it included alcohol. My son never ingaged with my mother and has gone on to make a career from drawing.
Yes. I'm very critical of my creative process. Times that I've wanted to try new things, such as watercoloring, I stopped after the first try as I was so unhappy with how it came out, as if I'm supposed to be perfect from the get go. I am naturally very creative in other ways, I compose music, but I think I could express myself a lot more freely if I wasn't so perfectionist and critical of myself. Thank you so much for speaking on this topic Jay Reid 🙏🏼
In my late 20's I wrote a short story and sent it to a magazine. Well, I told my parents I had written it, my mom said "You can't do that". I told her that I had written it and had sent it to a magazine. It had been accepted and I was going to get paid for it. The look on my mom's face was of total surprise. I am creative but no one else in the family was growing up so it was not acceptable. I was attacked a lot. My mom would yell at me, especially in front of family.
More on this subject please! This video has really validated me. Thank you
Amen
Thank you. That was a very fruitful video for me, I discovered the important missing pieces in my healing.
I especially feel good when I listen to this man. I mean, his dog laying in the chair makes me feel safe and at home. ❤
I didn’t know so many other people experienced this combination of toxic shame and guilt. I’ve had to force my way uphill all my life, despite my brother having everything given to him. When I speak, my father goes silent and stares at the table, waiting for me to stop, and then changes the subject. It’s like I’m an unpleasant pause in life that has to be endured.
And anything I do creatively is either ignored, or seen as a threat. At my 60’th birthday party, which my father engineered, I finally had an ah ha moment where I realized I’d wasted my whole life hoping to be acknowledged for something that was just about me. And it wasn’t coming, wasn’t ever going to happen. Don’t wait until you’re 60 to affirm your own life. It’s hurtful to have damaging parents, but you can’t change that. I had to accept their abuse and move on. Otherwise, even when they’re dead, they’ll haunt me.
But it’s hard. And it hurts a lot. Thanks for sharing your stories and for this video. It really helps.
This makes complete sense.
Thank you so much for addressing this topic. I am a visual artist but grew up with two narcissistic and abusive parents. I'm in my 30s, but this issue has always been present in my life as a felt sense. I also struggled for a long time to be able to share my work. In all of the time I've put into healing, I have never heard someone address these two topics together. It felt really validating, thank you.
It means a lot to me to hear that my insights have resonated with you and provided validation. Thanks too for sharing!
I was allowed to create some things. And sometimes. But I never knew when the nastiness would come out. one time I told my mother that a girl said I sing pretty (was about 8) and my mom said "she must be a good friend to say that just so you can feel better about yourself." I did go to dance class but my mom would look at everyone but me. As a little girl, about 5, I got scared she forgot me so i'd run to the middle of the room and point at myself. She'd make fun of me afterward. It hurt my feelings later that all other moms watched their daughters and my mom watched everyone but me. Not even for 5 seconds. Now I realize it was gaslighting.
This is so spot on. Thank you!
Dr Jay, how can I make progress, whenever I try to be creative my critical family living rent free in my head and heart start in on me. No matter how hard I try they are there even when I'm asleep.
I started creating art again at 33 years old, and still i draw something every day, sometime i have creativity loss for an amount of time, and other time i just spitt out art that i acually Kinda like My self... I never really show of My art becourse i dont think of My self as a good artist, but it brings me so much peace and it keeps My brain working.. ❤❤❤ I also feel like its giving med more selfconfidence, and people seem to like it
I have a large studio space that feels like a graveyard from lack of use because the work I'm doing was what my mother wanted to do but failed. Every time I step in and move forward it feels like a betrayal to my mother. Or it feels so overwhelming because I feel like I have to make up for interrupting her "dreams" by being born. I'm getting a lot of clarity from these videos and have been decentering my mother in my God given gifts. I don't owe her anything and I don't need to hide. Thank you so much.