Get to Know the ENFJ: Starring Denzel Mensah | INTJ x ENFJ
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- Опубликовано: 18 сен 2024
- INTJ gets to know an ENFJ by asking the questions that really matter.
Denzel Mensah's RUclips Channel:
youtube.com/@D...
Denzel's Video Roasting NT Types (one of my favorite videos of his):
• NTs Low Key Suck
Denzel's Linktree:
linktr.ee/Deezy2blessed
@DeezyRYG
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This was very fruitful, it felt like two diplomats restoring peace between nations. All objections are brought to the surface and resolved.
-INFJ
That's an interesting way of looking at it 🙂
I’m an INTJ mom and my 12 yo son is ENFJ. I’ve always appreciated our differences but hearing the way he describes how ENFJs feel the world really put it in perspective for me. My son always always always knows when I’m off or something is bothering me, which is frustrating as an INTJ for obvious reasons, but also as a mom who’s trying to protect their child from the harsh reality of the world. He is very intelligent and he is the core of my Fi so I’ve begun opening up to him more about events in my life and our relationship has gotten stronger after every conversation.
This really just made me feel so warm inside. I am super pleased to read this. I love INTJ/ENFJ dynamics of all sorts.
This year is the first time I am befriending an ENFJ. I am a female INTJ. He approached me first and what I immediately noticed was that despite the fact that he is an extrovert, I didn't find him overwhelming. I tend to avoid extroverts because their energy is just too much for me, but this guy was very gentle with me. He initiated contact by inviting me to social events but at the same time I didn't feel pressured to have to attend. I think the sense of not being coerced to be social was key to me actually attending these events. I tend to be more reserved in social gatherings where I don't know most of the people, but once the ENFJ and I started talking one on one, there was an instant connection. He was able to understand my feelings so well. I told him that he should really consider becoming a therapist because I felt validated and seen and heard in a way that most other people are not capable of doing. Honestly, with that Fe-Ni combination, he's already better than most of the professional therapists.
Congrats on finding a healthy ENFJ! They're some of the best people you can have in your life 🙂
It was really an honor to be on your channel once again, thank you for having me! The conversation was riveting.
You are a ray of sunshine☀
@@milah368 🥲🥰🥰
Denzel you went on a heroes journey in this video 😂
@@namez2ahaha oh word? Now I gotta rewatch to identify it
ikr he was so pleasant@@milah368
ENFJ here. The question of "how do we know that the compliment you're giving is authentic"?
I know Denzel and he genuinely behaves like he says, also because he is just a really mature ENFJ. ENFJs who have more pleasing tendencies, they need to learn to tap more into their honest Ti and learn to not say stuff for pleasing reasons. That being said, there's 2 good ways to know whether an ENFJ is being authentic (from my own experience):
1. Pleasing usually only occurs when an ENFJ is being asked or put on the spot, for instance by being asked: what do you think about [personal thing]? If they think negatively or neutral about it, they might say "ooh that's lovely" or something like that. If an ENFJ gives a compliment without being asked, it's usually sincere, because we like to highlight positive things about people and make them aware of this part about them, that the other person might not be aware off. So if I say you're really good at understanding systems and optimizing them, I'm saying "you should be aware of this and perhaps focus even more on this strength."
2. If you are doubting about the authenticity of an ENFJ compliment, or about their reasons for helping you, ask them "why" they are giving the compliment or why they are helping you. An ENFJ giving you a sincere compliment will be able to explain context around why they believe their compliment to be true, whereas they will struggle a lot more when it's not sincere.
Also a thing that popped into my mind. I feel like a lot of the negative experiences that people may have with Fe-users may come from either an analytic (opposed to holistic) Fe-style, which tends to be a lot more pushy, or similar to Jon saying from SF-types that tend to have different ways of showing love and are usually more about doing things and saying things because it is the proper thing to say or do. SFJs and NFJs differ quite a bit, where NFJs feel better in guiding someone spiritually and letting people make mistakes because they'll learn from it, whereas SFJs are more in your face about how things should be done due to Si.
Thank you for providing additional context! It was a long discussion and we missed a few key talking points so I appreciate the help 🙏
Loving these crossovers🌿
ENFJ for me are warm (healthy ones, as any types) and yes, he is right, I weaponize them to be the ones that ease the room and to do the talk. It is fascinating the way Fe works on them.
Denzel is a sunshine☀
🥹🩷 Well to be valued and helpful to an INTJ is an honor. Thank you.
bro there is too many points to comment on but all words crashing in me now . wonderful episode ❤️🔥
Thank you! I feel like this conversation is only touching the tip of the iceberg 😅
"the hero's journey" ironically when the ENFJ is also called "The Protagonist" 🤣
Good catch 😁
I love how you guys were both here to share and explain your perspectives to understand each other on a deeper level while giving tools to help be more effective with each other's types. Especially these types. I could listen to you guys do this all day! Great video!!
And sorry for taking up the comment section (I remember doing this to Denzel too on one of his typing videos lol. My bad haha!).
That’s my favorite part of the video as well! I am very grateful for it to have been a productive conversation and not something that is like tit for tat.
And haha, I am personally glad that you included your input here. I think that’s the point 😊
This was a great conversation and had me reflecting on my friendship with one of my close ENFJ friends that's been going strong for about four years now.
I also really appreciate Denzel calling out some of the societal trauma, (I wanted to use a different word, as "trauma" feels like it's becoming an overused buzzword, but it's just too accurate here,) that can tend to make us INTJ's naturally react in a negative fashion when receiving some kinds of love because in a lot of societal dealings, it's love with a lot of hidden strings attached. So when you do get that genuine showing of love, it can be hard to walk back from the natural inclination of asking the follow-up of, "What's the catch?" because that's SO FREQUENTLY done by others for their own gain. This also, in turn, leads to the projection he was talking about where it might end up being unconscious not because an ENFJ did something to trigger it, but simply due to pattern recognition in dealing with other dubious characters sending up the "back of mind" red flag.
I can say, once the ENFJ has successfully made their way into the inner sanctum and shared a meal at the table, barring some incredibly egregious offense you've pretty much made a solid ally at that point. It may be because I'm older now and continuing on my journey to mature as an INTJ, but from ENFJ's I have learned to use some of that empathic quality they have to measure myself on the, "Am I the a-hole," test much better in situations to avoid being the a-hole.
I mean unless the reason for the reaction is encroachment on Fi values. Then at that point, I'm most likely gonna be the a-hole and I'll own it.
I also now cannot get the image of Mama-Te being this intimidating bruiser of a bouncer that just responds to everyone wanting to visit the inner-Fi with the response of, "I don't see your name on the "allowed" list. I'm gonna need you to remove yourself from the premises. You will only be given this courtesy warning once." 😆
I can imagine my ENFJ friend, arms crossed, and shaking her head at me when I get into the, "Am I the a-hole" situation lol. I'm still on the fence about whether it's trauma that causes us to be that way or whether there's more to it but I haven't put much thought into it either. so you're both probably right 😅
Great exchange.
ENFJ, thank you, because you don't ignore us. (I had 2 ENFJ friends when I was younger)
The Ni Ni connection is hit or miss : instant connect or don't care/skeptical.
_How can you feel the emotions of an INTJ, if they don't express their emotions ?
Your Fe detect our Fi, or it's the Ni analyzing/reading the energy of the person, or the combination ?
(I sense/perceive the energy of people through Ni, like the animals knowing if someone is a good person or not, can be trusted or not)
_Tarot, chakra, spirituality... you are on the right way ^^
You almost made me cry, when you talked about L : you shared something, that gave me an Aha moment about the why I liked the character, because I identify myself with, and that hurt.
Thanks for watching!! And great question...I honestly believe it is a combination of the Fe plus Se and thne imbued with Ni..? I have always been this way and did not know others are not the same till I got into Type. And even then, I have found not all NFJ experience it this way.
And I rewatched Death Note recently and yeah....L truly am so moved by it.
@@DeezyRYG Thank you for the answer.
I recently make friend with a girl online, who is a lot like me, same personality type, same enneagram & tritype, and possibly same neurological conditions.
We have a lot in common, but we are the opposite on certain points.
I can perceive/detect/feel the emotions of others, by the energy (I am hypersensitive), and she doesn't. We are all truly uniques.
Similar to me, on my side (INTJ), I think it's my Ni-Se and Fi (and my neurological conditions that make me more sensitive)
Yay!! Denzel and Jon! (Just started watching; I know it will be great)
😄
I clicked on this with so much anticipation!
Also as I expected, there’s the usual “shared Ni camaraderie” and “Fe vs Fi-who reigns supreme” 😅 (just kidding, it’s so heartwarming).
46:55 my husband has said the EXACT same thing about ENFJs 😂😂
As an INTJ female with an ENFJ partner, showing and receiving love has been a major issue for us. I need to see him act on it, while he wants me to tone down my words to him and be nicer to people because I'm impatient with others.
I took it for granted and learned the hard way.
It didn't work out?
To be fair, enfj don't come across as nefarious but you do have intentions behind your fe, which makes us question your motives. I've learned to just take it in stride and time will tell if it can be trusted. Kind of like "don't interrupt your enemy when they're making a mistake."
Also it's not that we don't need relationships. It's that most people suck and it's not worth having a relationship with them. To have to sort through the chafe is incredibly exhausting and yields little good for the effort. Which tells us it's a waste of time and you know how much we love that.
This is fair! Thanks for your input! And I think that’s the best approach btw to find out if someone is really well-intended. Not to let our skepticism become a self fulfilling prophecy, just letting time tell on its own.
INTJ here, my mum is ENFJ. It's challenging at times but I also find it funny just how much we help each other with Te/Fe. And we deeply connect through Ni. Also she's one of very few people who get to see my Fi and I think it often helps with communications, especially that i think me going more into Te communication style isn't all that well received.
What I've, indeed, always found most difficult was her claiming to know everything and how I feel, also then accusing me for being dishonest for denying that. As much as it take's me time to process all emotions, I do often feel like she doesn't get everything right (oh well, unless she senses what I go through with characters that I'm writing and just takes that for my personal emotions, which is sth i didn't think of before...)
My mom is an ESFJ so I can relate to the challenges of Fe/Te as a child. There has been plenty of times when I would tell her that she doesn't know what's best for me and I've noticed that it usually stung her but I had to set me bounderies. It really is a blessing and a curse having an Fe dom parent because I know she loves me unconditionally but also know that there's a level of understanding that we'll never be able to connect on that she wants that I can't provide to her. I hope you and your mom figures it out so that ya'll can teach us how it's done 🙂
Okay I laughed six times I cried four times thank you dudes
What a rollercoaster of emotions 😂
INTJs, especially younger ones, tend to harbor a lot of self-loathing. Those uncompromising INTJ standards* aren’t just aimed outwards. One unfortunate result of the INTJ’s self-loathing is that Fe compliments can ring false even when they’re entirely sincere.
*Example of INTJ standards: “That was really, really good. Maybe the best I’ve ever seen. 4 points out of 15.”
Another way for complimenting an INTJ to go sideways is via the INTJ’s fixation on results. Things that produce good results are good, things that produce bad results are bad. Well, if the INTJ doesn’t know you, then the Fe-blind INTJ likely can’t tell if your compliment is sincere or if you’re being deceitful. INTJs don’t like that kind of uncertainty. So that’s a bad result which in turn makes the compliment-giver a bad person. Doesn’t matter if your intentions were good. Bad result = bad person.
(This is clearly unfair, but if it makes you feel better, INTJs subject themselves to this, too. Fe-blind INTJs regularly make the people around them unhappy/uncomfortable via Fe blunders. That bad result means the INTJ is a bad person in their own eyes.
It should also be noted that society has undoubtedly done this to INTJs, too. Every INTJ undoubtedly has a history of trying to do the right thing, screwing it up via Fe-blindness, and society punishing them as a bad person with no consideration of the INTJ’s underlying intentions.)
Thank you for providing this comment because I agree 💯
Hi Jon, INTJ over here and I had one other comment/option that I don’t think was mentioned and I am wondering if it might be more of a female INTJ thing or maybe just a me thing when it comes to the “annoyance” with ENFJ’s. One thing I wanted to ask is if ENFJ’s have ever considered that it’s not due to skepticism or ill intent of nice acts from the ENFJ or simply that we just don’t want to receive these things, but the fact that it makes us feel like we have to reciprocate in a similar fashion now if the ENFJ does these things. For example, if an ENFJ is constantly checking in on you or telling you how much they appreciate you and perhaps including you in a lot of things, in the past I have found myself pressured to reciprocate in a similar Fe way which feel unnatural to many INTJ’s and can actually become overwhelming to a point that we wish the ENFJ would just stop doing these things so that we don’t feel obligated to possibly reciprocate in a similar way sometimes too since it can be a lot for us.
This is such an honest response. And very likely from my experience too. I’ve had an INTJ say this exact thing, pretty much stating that ENFJ to her are “high maintenance” because they require a lot of affection and reciprocation (which I don’t think is always true, which goes back to the projection thing? Sometimes ENFJ are just fine with GIVING and not expecting the reciprocation, even though they would not be opposed to it if given naturally either).
But nonetheless, I can still see and understand why it is a pressure to the INTJ at times. The imbalance can feel weird. But definitely curious to see what Jon has to say about it.
That's not a gender thing because I relate 100%. There are lots of key points that weren't brought up during the interview so thank you for the comment. I didn't want to keep attacking that topic because seeing Fe actions as a gift was Denzel speaking with his Fi, and the purpose of this video is to learn 😁
To bluntly put, ENTJs are ‘givers”, they love to help others and often selfless and self sacrificing.
My husband is an ENFJ and his top love language is “act of service”, so go figure.
Yes, they do want you to reciprocate but NOT all the time. It’s is already a ‘nod’ to affirmation to them if you return the same act of service that they do to you from time to time. Just do them periodically to keep tab/depositing into their love account.
You can also look at their second love language, or third, which is a clue to how you can supplement the reciprocity of service that you don’t feel like doing yourself.
For example, if the 2nd love language is ‘words of affection/affirmation”, so do tell them once in a while that you appreciate them for the exact service that they gave.
They want to be ‘validated’ more than anything.
Other than that just learn to receive their kindness of heart without much pressure. You being happy makes them happy.
If people have proven ill-intent then the trust is broken... I usually allow up to 2-3x before holding someone accountable (that's not true... more like unlimited for some people). Highly manipulative people will do something nice but it costs me my time and energy because they want my attention endlessly. Like talking my ear off for 45 minutes about something minuscule. We will be vocal about what we see and call the pattern out. We are not sensitive, we are self-preserving. It also seems the ENFJ here is projecting onto the INTJ about the intention stuff.
This comes down to trust. If you gossip to other people about other people, we've already determined you are a red flag even before we get to know you so if we see you trying to do something nice for us we will be a skeptic. If we give you our time to hang out but the whole time you are talking about yourself and not being considerate in reciprocating the kindness, your attention or attunement, then we will speak out about it. If you are talking to the ex behind our back that tried to kiss you and trying to arrange a meet up between us all when I don't like that person... I'm gonna call you out. I have this issue with my sister.
Its not a gift sir if it intrudes on people's time, autonomy, peace, harmony, trust, etc
The annoyance comes from not recognizing what the other person needs, not what you WANT to give. That's manipulative. But as an INFJ, I understand giving with no strings attached. We can isolate the person from the behavior.
If you go by objective personality principles of identity versus control chaos those, ENFJs are gonna be more sensitive to rejection. Control/chaos types like INTJs and INFJs can call you out on maladaptive behavioral patterns and still not judge you as a person. That's not for the INFJ/INTJ to clarify that but for an ENFJ to work in their sensitivity towards rejection and being judged.
I also say "I don't need people" but from a young age even though I have siblings I was alone a lot. I learned to not need people. Then when I got older and didn't place a lot of emphasis on relationships my siblings were coming around but still being mostly about themselves and needing me to listen and be there. But they already taught me how to be on my own. I like living in a bustling town or city where I'm around people but also retain my privacy and autonomy which allows me to feel "connected" from a distance. Also, I attract a lot of weirdos and have been in unsafe situations that also lead me to say "I don't need people".
This was a great conversation! Really enjoyed it 😊
Thank you for the comment and I agree with a lot of your statements. I held back a few times during this discussion to allow Denzel to speak freely. I think seeing their Fe as a gift depends on what side of the line you're on. If you're on the side of the line that is open for gifts, then it will be a positive experience, whereas it'll be taken negatively if you're on the opposite side. I also think the 'Gift' conversation is the ENFJ engaging with Fi, and that's a conversation for another video 😅
9:23 I know I'm not an INTJ, but I go through this with my ENFJ mom lol. She is TOO OVERLY CARING sometimes and will do more than I would need from her. Just happened weeks ago...
I asked her if she had some white shoes I could borrow for an White Winterland Gala event then I IMMEDIATELY say, "MOM DON'T BUY (order)ANY!! I'm just asking you. I would need them tomorrow and they won't be here in time, so I will go to stores and buy some. And not only does she buy the boots, she buys 2 pairs!! So now I have the boots I purchased and hers! I will never need multiple pairs of white boots! Then she counted them as one of my xmas gifts 😫😡 -- something I didnt need or want. I know it was out of love, but when we say "No" we really mean it lol. She's so generous and caring tho. Love her to death.
You can't tell Fe not to Fe. Nobody has a chance at making their dom func go dormant. The maturity to do that is probably coming only in the late stages of life. But... now you have to come up with a reason for 2 pairs of white boots to be useful. I got nothing. Damn Fe is so kind but so ridiculous at times. lol
Some times even if we know you really meant it when you say "no" for us it's like I'm not going miss this chance to show them love and appreciation cause in the end 2>1 =❤ !!
So she didn't let it go she just went beyond your "no" because no matter how many shoes you have I want you to feel my love through my gift!! You're lucky !!
I love enfj
We love you too!
feeling others emotions... kinda makes sense when explained, but still such a weird thing to grasp for an INTJ.
And also scary when someone can read you (maybe better than you can)
I agree, and I had an INFP tell me that's how she feels when INTJs engage with Ni; it's scary that we just 'know' things 😅
That's a nice part to see Fi Child:
57:12
I agree, thank for noticing it. And thank Jon for sharing this.
It's always uncomforable talking about it in public 🙃
50:39 I'm ENFP and I think the reason tertiary Fi may accept us before Fe doms is only because we not only have the "feeling" but we also have the Fi framework to explain why they actually feel the way they do vs only having the feeling and actively doing nice gestures and being a lending ear. I am TERRIBLE at explaining myself in this regard (blindspot Ti), so I'm sure this doesn't make much sense as it does in my head lol.
I think the reason why is because we can tell early on that there's no threat when a healthy ENFP engages us. ENFPs will stumble upon their flaws just to get to know us, and that's something low Fi users admire and inspire to be.
This reminds me of a girl that used to hang out with my friend group. I found her to be the most annoying creature ever: she was always so bubbly and extra nice it felt so fake and forced. No matter what happened, she always seemed to put on this massive fake smile and spin everything to the positive.
Me being me, when I was around, I was generally far from her or chose her arrival as an excuse to leave.
Shortly after I finally told her to fuck off, and that her “weaponized niceness” was fake and “we” weren’t buying it… it was revealed to me that she was actually pretty nice, she was being extra because she liked _me,_ so she was always different when I was around.
Don't keep us hanging, what did you do after you realized that she was just a naturally nice person?!
28:30 this is how me and my besties and mother operate (all xNFJs). I'm Fi auxiliary, so when I tell my Fi "how I relate" stories, it helps validate their emotions, since they're not used to them.
It might be an easier relationship for INFPxENFJs because oh how open both of you are to talk about your emotions. Talking about emotions is a no-no for INTJs unless we're ready 🙃
43:24. Self fulfilling prophesy... (theirs)
I am an intj thats for sure😊, but I've few strange out of box qualities as well😢
Like sometimes when i drank, i became the center of fun in parties,😮
I often have this inner drag to talk to more and more people
It sounds like you're engaging with your Se function, which is great! We're human's first, so being part of a tribe is just as important to us as our need to be alone. Keep growing my fellow INTJ ✊
@@justcallmejon22 yah 🍻 I'm working on Se Si and Ne ,,have recognised these 3 value but have lot of resistance towards Fe and Ti, both of these seems absurd to me
“I’m giving you this gift”… keep your gift sir! Your words throughout this video gave away your underlying intentions and mindset so easily. Once again ENFJ, keep your gift. We have our own.
I understand where you're coming from but I hope the message, that there's just misinterpretation between types and that we should acknowledge that it comes from a place of love instead of hate is recieved 🙂
@@justcallmejon22 I get the message and I love your content. It’s helped me out a lot. Due to life experiences, the vast majority of ENFJ’s have proven to be disingenuous. Sadly your guest is no different. When you hear someone talk long enough, the truth slips through the cracks, and it definitely did for me at least. I look forward to your future videos. 👍
@@FrederickM06 Hm, that is unfortunate you concluded that from what I said, but I understand especially due to your past. Thanks for your feedback!
@@DeezyRYG yeah I bet you do