NARCISSISTIC FAMILY IS NOT "EVERYTHING"| A New Way To Think | Psychotherapy Crash Course
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- Опубликовано: 7 июл 2024
- #trauma #narcissisticfamily
#tamarahilllpc
"Family is everything" is a saying I have heard a lot about over the years.
As a teen I thought this meant all families were wonderful with minor problems here and there.
But as I grew older and began working in the role of a therapist -- seeing and hearing many things (and experiencing them myself) -- I learned that family is NOT everything when it hurts.
If you really think about this saying the meaning is very limited.
If you lose your family (or they pass away) or your family is estranged because of trauma, does your life completely stop?
No.
In this video, I reframe this saying and give you some insights on why this isn't true.
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DISCUSSED IN THIS VIDEO:
0:00 intro
1:38 is family really everything?
3:12 why is family "everything?"
4:11 the cultural view
6:28 the road blocks
9:36 you are the problem
12:22 myths
12:34 ***WHAT YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND
FURTHER READING:
-Family dynamics www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NB....
-www.psychologytoday.com/us/bl... (Psychology Today)
-www.healthline.com/health/tox... (Healthline)
-Trauma and family www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/h....
-www.nctsn.org/trauma-informed....
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*Videos are provided for exploration and educational purposes only and does not constitute clinical suggestions or consultation for individual cases.
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I'm Támara, a licensed and internationally/Board certified trauma mental health therapist, with over 14 years experience. I specialize in helping children, teens, and families with mental illness. I also treat psychological/emotional trauma in children, teens, and adults.
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Sometimes family or parents DON'T CARE and that makes the pain of losing them even greater. See what I mean by this here: ruclips.net/video/3K01N4MMKOw/видео.html
AND see the research on family dynamics here www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK560487/#:~:text=Family%20dynamics%20refers%20to%20the,of%20relationship%20security%20or%20stress.
They say they love you, yet their actions say they do not care at all unless you are serving them.
@@rubberbiscuit99 so true. Happened to me.
@@rubberbiscuit99 And the outside world thinks the problem is you and that your family just wants love and yet youre selfish (maybe even crazy ...).
I'm just now circling back around to new habits. Thanks, doctor. Please keep the videos coming. I have you in my notifications.
Thank you for taking away the shame of those who choose to distance themselves from toxic and dysfunctional family members.
You're welcome!! And thank you for these words.
Isn't it amazing that people think that someone would separate from their family under any circumstances other than extreme ones? As if someone is petty for doing it?
@@TherapistTamaraHill I am so grateful that you shared your story. TY!
@Kiska Kuznetsova I have a cousin who stopped speaking to everyone over $150.. Sometimes people do cut off family over very petty issues.
@@msi8311
My close family member has not spoken to me over money has well.
This is the kind of information that provides freedom for those who are bound by false obligation to those who intentionally hurt them. Thank you.
I LOVE this! You're welcome.
Thank you for these words and I'm very glad you found value in this video.
That is a beautifully crafted statement that succinctly captures the heart of this message on families, but also it transcends to effectively cover many types of associations /abusive relations. I needed to hear it.
@@ellakennickell5842 yesssssss!
@@ellakennickell5842 I totally agree. This message removes the burden that is not ours to carry.
Thank you for relieving my overwhelming guilt over going no contact with my parents who were abusive to me but not my sister.
You're very welcome! I will cover this more in the future. Wishing you the best on this journey.
Scapegoating is so real, but it's hard to understand unless your family does it.
@@kiskakuznetsova503 you did the right thing. Stay strong, heal and self care. Hugs.
Stay strong. Hoping you find 🙏 peace.
Treating one child as a " golden child" is the creation of a grandiose narcissist. That is a form of abuse of the narcissistic parent. This is the " COMMON" dyniamic in the "narcissistic family cult". My narcissistic alcoholic mother used the same strategy on me and my sister. The reason is because you are the most healthy one. That is you are the one who see the truth. That is that the narcissistic caretaker in your family is mentaly ill ( crazy). And because of the shame they feel, they try to manipulate you and the rest of the family to think that there is something wrong with you. That is they distract the rest of the family from the truth by creating roles of " golden child" and " scapegoat". When competing for the attention from the narcissist they feel power and get narcissistic supply. The two main " aims" of the narcissist.
The fact that you have gone no contact takes great bravery and to have self-care skills, and self-respect skills. This is the skills that the narcissist and golden child don`t have. This is also a part of the reason why they hate us. Because they belive that they can get rid of the shame of them lacking a real personality ( they instead have masks). With putting us down.
But reality is that the brain starts to heal fast after getting these assholes out of our life. The " story" in the " film of life" is about us. That is the " heroes journey" is about us realising the truth of these toxic losers, and starting to face our own issues and becoming self realized by learning self-care skills and self respect skills. While they will always be desperate for other peoples attention to even feel that they are alive.
Being alone and healthy is a lot better than being surrounded by toxic assholes. I feel LESS alone when i went " no contact" 2,5 years ago with my narcissistic alcoholic mother. And 6 months ago from my " goldenchild" toxic sister
There was so much negativity in my family I have alot less stress now that I let that part of my life go.
I walked away years ago. I mourned family members who are still alive. My dad died a week ago, I have yet to cry because I already cried for years. He couldn't find it in his heart to validate my childhood abuse. He was a good man but took his anger out on his children when he was younger. My siblings, 7 of us, all see it differently, except 1. The others excuse it like people who make excuses for Joe Jackson beating on MJ, or tell me it was long ago, "get over it".
I'm sorry for your loss. Loss is difficult indeed. It sounds like your father was in denial and a contributor to the "abuse" in a different way perhaps. This is intergenerational family trauma for sure.
It’s just refreshing to have someone that understand the other side of the situation/ dynamic. Thank you for the much needed support 🌹
Thank you! I'm glad to hear this. I wish I had this growing up when my extended family became estranged. I also wish this information was available for many clients who seek treatment to heal those intergenerational wounds.
And you're welcome.☺
Thank you so much for this video. No one wants to make a decision to leave their own family, so I agree with you on this. It's the most difficult decision that I have ever had to do. I had enough of the same toxic treatment that was called Love. This was not the kind of love I wanted. When I communicate my frustrations, I want to be heard and respected for what I am feeling, but in my family, there was not a lot of listening going on. No ability to come to the table to resolve or understand issues. Once you say something that a family member doesn't want to hear, they decide that you don't see them as perfect and they would rather throw you away then try to resolve anything.................. It really shows you the truth of the situation. The truth being that you really only matter if you don't raise any issue with their behavior. There is very little growth over the years and I would always have to be the one to apologize. Not this time. I see now the real truth I was not wanting to admit to myself for years. I still struggle because it is family, but I can't do all the work alone. I'm not willing to give up on me anymore to keep someone else happy. I want to be able to be heard when I speak about an issue that is hurting me without being told I can't ask for a thing. It is so unhealthy for me to be around the main sibling that runs everything, that I decided I needed to just detach myself from all of them. I can't be around her anymore and I don't want to be with the others because they just enable it. Very unhealthy and once you have been conditioned this way, it's difficult to see the truth of it all. Done is good!
You're welcome! And thank you for sharing this view of things. Well said!
My God ! Could have written the exact same story ! We live parallel lives . It's very hard to separate but necessary ;still feel an aching sadness though 😞
It's been 18 months already for me , getting a bit easier , staying busy helps . Best wishes from the UK 🇬🇧
What she said.
Not love.....toxic control....manipulation,financial and verbal abuse is not love.
Wow what you describe is EXACTLY what’s going on in mine. It’s refreshing to know you are not alone
I have two young boys. We left an abuser and toxic family in 2019. We started a new life but there is this palpable void. I feel good about keeping my boys safe, but I feel guilty for not being able to provide them with the healthy family that they deserve. Our holidays and special occasions feel very different... they only have Mom now...
One loving Mom is already a blessing ❤️
better to have one healthy mom than a whole unhealthy family
And a healthier version of yourself than would be possible staying in the toxic abuse. That is better for the children than staying trapped together under abusive conditions. Keeping yourself safe directly benefits children who watch the treatment of mom to take cues on what they as children of their mom are worth.
Thank you for sharing this C P. So many can relate. And I share the same sentiments as the others...one good mom is a blessing.
"Our society has exaggerated the role of family so much...."...Wow, that literally stopped me in my tracks. I'd never heard it put like that before, yet it was like a light bulb went on. And here I always thought it was me, like you said: something must be wrong with US if we're estranged from fam. Also even some of our cultures in the U.S. focus on fam way more than others too. Love when I hear something on here from a professional letting me know I wasn't nuts all along, lol.
Me too. Me too. Stopped me.
Yes wow I agree & detest the cultural & societal pressure, reinforcement & shame & esp from Therapists!!!
Thank you SO much for this. I almost died from the stress of trying to please and be accepted by my psychopathic family. They never intended to accept me or reward me, they were just playing and amusing themselves (very much like your client; they used me in every way), and the irony is that deep down I felt that they were not quality people that I would associate with if I only knew them as coworkers, acquantainces, neighbors, etc. It's amazing what we will do to try to be accepted when we continually get the message from society that you are the "bad one" if you are abused by your family of origin.
If anyone is on the fence about cutting off from their abusive families, it's worth it, you will finally learn how to love yourself and you will get to a point where you will see how unhealthy they were and how you are far less flawed than you were told. Heck, you may even learn that you actually weren't the source of all their problems and you may not have caused all their financial problems, their health problems, their employment issues, or that stuff you were accused of causing before you were born (I know I'm not the only one with family like that!). You will finally feel love and acceptance once you separate from your family, ironically. You will even get to a point where you feel pity and sadness for them -- if you don't already (I stayed in contact out of pity ...) -- and how ill they are. As you see others get chewed up and manipulated and used and tricked, you will be grateful that you are no longer in the machine.
I escaped a life endangering situation and ended up sleeping on my sister's floor to save money from hotel fees.
I was woken up to my earth mother begging for forgiveness and telling me to come live with her.
I'd rather sleep in my car‼️
Long story short, everyone experience was different with earth mother and as I've grown and healed I want nothing to do with her.
The fact my sister who's a clueless flying monkey let her in where I was upstairs in a corner outta the way speaks volumes that my boundaries are still not respected.
Prayers for those of you who encounter other kin who just won't get it never will but won't remove themselves from the middle🙄
Earth mother. Wow, I've never heard of that label before! Maybe because english is not my native language.
And your life was so hard! Please stay safe and thank you for sharing your story.
I decided to do this it’s been a year this month and no one besides me is willing to go to therapy. Walking away has been the hardest thing ever .
I'm glad to hear you made what sounds like a needed move. The sad reality is that they are not "in reality" with you. It's difficult, as you point out, but it does get easier as you realize you are healthier in a different zone.
@@TherapistTamaraHill thank you . I am so grateful i found your channel today . I laid the last boundary today and i come on you tube and here you are on my home page 💜 thank you
I don't know how old you are, but I know that I wish that I understood how important it was for me to never look back at my family when I moved out of state at 19. Even then I did not understand why I had to get away from them but seven years later I came to recognize just how abused I had been by all of them, individually and collectively, for my entire childhood, with the one exception being my maternal grandmother. (They all abused each other so it's not that I was singled out.). It took THIRTY MORE YEARS of abuse that culminated in such violent and criminal behaviors that I HAD TO completely disengage and seek legal protection from them, five years ago. -Still from out of state. The thing that kept me tied to them was that they were my family and my loyalty should be to them no matter what. That was my personal viewpoint but it is also society's viewpoint which I realize I believed I had to always honor and obey. I have lost ALL of my family relationships, with the exception of my adult daughter and we have a very good relationship and always have, but the complete and permanent loss of the relationship with and connection to my family is still very very painful. I have no desire to reconnect with any of them because they are all that dangerous and untrustworthy (or gaslit by some to not understand that truth which makes them untrustworthy by default). I find that most people do not understand why I choose to have no relationship with my family, that my family could really be so bad to warrant that decision, and that it makes me appear suspect and odd and unrelatable. I also feel I am judged by it by some. Even a coworker who knows the specific details (she was present when everything unraveled) thinks I should find a way to reconcile with them "because they are family ". Granted, thankfully, there are others who agree with my decision. It is painful to live with this reality and it is painful to have invested decades and decades of my loyalty and love and support to people who never loved or cared about me at all AND who were ready, willing, and able to cause me much harm. My personal investment in those relationships was a waste of my time and effort and it took away from my availability to build a better life for myself. If you have to stay away from your family, then stay away from them. Never look back!!
@Natalie That's so kind of you! Thank you. And I'm glad to have you on the channel. Welcome ☺
Family is everything when it’s healthy! Yes everyone has issues but when it’s just so bad to be connected break free. Love them from a distance!
Thank you for this!!!! I recently decided to go no contact with my immediate "family". After years of working on it I finally felt I had given enough. I was the one expected to change but I just couldn't fit their expectations, it was too painful. At 44 years old I'm finally starting to feel free.
You're welcome!!
And I'm glad to hear you feel free. It's a roller coaster ride with family like this. It can also be a roller coaster ride leaving them and walking away too. But there's one major difference between the two scenarios: you get to choose the second time around who your "family" will be.
I am not sure how this video popped up on my feed. I was contemplating if I was going to click on it or not but I am glad that I did. I think that you are amazing the way that you eloquently explained how the unrealistic expectations of family and the pressures of society to cater to the myth has produced toxic individual and family relationships. For years I have seen and heard counselors urge people to "hang in there" with toxic family members. This is very dangerous because in some cases people get physically assaulted or even killed because they wanted to be loyal to a family member that was dangerous. My x-father in law was a retired sergeant in the Orlando Police Department and he told me that the most dangerous call is domestic violence. He told me that family is dangerous and he don't trust them because of what he has seen in his job as a police officer. I was wondering why he was always looking at everybody sideways at cookouts lol Thank you for your wisdom and insight
Thanks so much!! I'm glad you clicked too! LOL I believe things happen for a reason.
And I agree with the points you make here. Domestic violence IS the most dangerous...agree. Family can be your worst enemy sometimes.
Hello Tamara! I'm Yasmine, originally from Haiti. Your channel is like water in dry land. After publishing my memoir, The Cost of the American Dream; Diary of a Homeless Soul in January 2020, during the pandemic, I evolved from victim to speaker and a mental health advocate. I shifted my focus on helping fellow immigrant individuals who've experienced generational trauma, family scapegoating, family separation, and deportation prioritize their mental health to foster generational healing and connect with resources. Your channel is now one of them. I thank God for you. I'm now working on a workbook with my therapist.
Thank you so much for these beautiful words! ☺ Glad to hear this channel is serving a purpose. That's a blessing in and of itself. Glad to have you on the channel.
And congratulations on your memoir!
Walking away from your family is never an easy decision, and yet there are so many who judge you for it. It took me so long to realise that if I didn’t prioritise my own mental health, nobody else would. Sometimes walking away is the healthiest thing to do.
The word family is used loosely, our biological families are people we share genetics with, besides that we are all individuals. Being in my middle years ive tolerated my families toxic behaviour for too long now! If they were to genuinely go within and heal there own wounds then I would contemplate having a meaningful relationship with them, otherwise we are only going to go around in circles on the premise of false hope playing out the same destructive patterns or karma if you believe in that? Unfortunately the apologies don't mean much in the end, no matter how well intended they are at the time from family members unless they have the awareness and emotional honesty to truly make changes in their own lives for the better. Keep up the hard work 💪💪🙏🙏
Thank you for sharing this and for sharing your view of this Jon. It's validating to someone I'm sure. And I love this statement "...unless they have the awareness and emotional honesty to truly make changes in their own lives for the better...."
Exactly. That phrase resonated with me as the core principle of my abstention from certain members. Yes, the pattern of destruction repeats in cycles, and if no one has changed themselves, neither will the dynamic.
It’s been devastating to realize that my family isn’t who they proclaim to be. Being told that family need to be there for each other, but what they really meant is that you need to be there for them, end of story.
You do not need approval or validation to exit the toxic family dynamic. Yes, it can hurt, but river time is liberating and peaceful. I've experienced jealousy, envy, and, judgments, and even hatred from family members; both parents, siblings, and my children. I love them, but from a distance, this creates a healthy life dynamic for me, and that's what's most important. They can no longer hurt me, I've taken my power back! Thank you, Dr. Hill, for your counsel, so many people need your guidance.
Thank you for sharing this example of family dynamics. Things can get really ugly in unhealthy families. The sad reality is that there isn't a concrete, evidence-based remedy.
And thank you!! I'm glad to have you all on this channel.
The benefit of coming from an abusive/dysfunctional family is that your family is humanity, nature, animals, Creator in a deeper way than most people who cling solely to the cult of family. We got to see the human condition up close… and still love them, even if we need strong boundaries or to even walk away, 💜 A couple quotes I like “To understand all is to forgive all” and “Father, forgive them for the know not what they do.” They really dont. This doesn’t mean put up with abuse! Don’t!!!! It doesn’t serve/benefit anyone!!!! Just live your life as loving as you can… and keep learning the ways of love all our lives! There is great beauty AND connection in the “orphan” archetype!!!
Thank you for talking about this. In Asia, parental narcissism is so rampant & considered ok. I think it’s much worse than in America because no one talks about it in Asia
I'm asian too this is so accurate. Asian parents are so narcissistic and they justify it with culture and religion.
I love your authenticity, delivery and insight. The world is a better place with you in it Therapist T.
❤😭Thank you so much
The toxicity started with my family, it caused me to have abusers in my life, it was familiar.
That's a good point. And I'm sorry to hear this.
Abusers often abuse. And the abused often seek out abusers. Not always, but in some lives this is the pattern.
Absolutely 👏🏽🙏🏽❤️
Támara I'm so thankful that I found your channel. I've shared your videos with other friends who are trying to get into therapy. Thank you for your work.
You're welcome. And 💖thank you for these words. Glad to have you on the channel! Glad these videos are helpful to you!
You're so right. Thank you so much for talking about the downside reality of such a long held, often erroneous belief about families. People need to hear this. It made me feel better!
You are so welcome! And I'm glad to hear this was helpful to you. Thank you!!
I love how God uses my algorithm to confirm information for me. Thank you for this message.
Thank you for another great video! Can you talk about the societal affects of being a scapegoat that has left the toxic family of origin? My part of taking responsibility is knowing that I allowed toxic behavior. Part of my recovery is leaving toxic people/situations. It seems society rarely believes that a scapegoat that has left didn't do 'something' to deserve the treatment. The false societal message of "You're the problem if you're not talking to your family" quote in your video hit home.
You're welcome and thank you!!
I will certainly consider it. I'm planning on talking about very specific topics in the coming months.
My family was the original Push Me-Pull You. Come close-go away. I finally realized my place in this family a year ago and knew for my own mental health I needed to step out. It was so painful for months, but it's become reality, and the stress of always trying to fit in is released.
Good for you. You know how much you can take. So you have the right to make that move.
I think friendships are way more meaningful than family. With friendships you CHOOSE to be around that person because you genuinely get eachother. Family is based on obligations. You don't get to choose the family you were born into you are just forced to be around them because you happen to be related.
That's a good point! Sometimes friendships are more meaningful. That's the blessing indeed.
I like and agree with this video, family shouldn’t abuse you.
This is all very true 🙏🏽 with fam friends and people we previewed thought who loved us like we love them . It comes from society at large . Still trying to comprehend in grad school for psychology. I believe you can cherish love but they aren’t everything. Some grandparents and future prospective in laws can be jealous as well sadly. Thank you for discussing trauma / stress. Personality disorders/ mental disorders in people /dysfunction/bitter. Yes , ignore distance , distance emotionally.
Thank you, Tamara, for sharing as generously as you do. My family and I have greatly benefited from your timely presentations.
You're welcome! And thank you! So glad this channel is helpful to you.
Thank you so very much Tamara! I am much older than you & your insights and total view of this dynamic is a REALITY FACT based sense has freed me feom the guilt of no contact me my "very nice but very unemotional avail" mother.I Iearned through you that just because someone us nice & provides materially, does not mean neglect is not possible!! My mom has even temper yet I think is ADHD also.
Its extremely hurtful when u lack emotional support & validation and exp gaslighting!!
You're welcome Marie❤ I'm very glad that you are growing and learning on the channel. That's motivation for me to keep giving you and others what you need!
Thank You for sharing you amazing refreshing words of wisdom Tamara.
I wish I was in Pennsylvania so I could continue my Trauma Therapy.
My trusted therapist of the last 13 months, has left the agency last week. Oh well.
❤❤ Thank you!
And it's so sad when good therapists either leave or stop working in the field. We need more good therapists such as yours. praying you find another good soul if needed.
@@TherapistTamaraHill
I was going to take off the Summer.
I actually enjoy having a
Trauma Informed Therapist that is able to attune to me. When I can process issues that come up weekly, it feels so cleansing & healing.
I am evaluating five right now so I'l see what feels like a validating match. I want one who has healing qualities like my last one.
Thank you so much. My mom was a narcissists. I decided to go no contact for a year or a bit over. She recently died I felt guilty at first but then my therapist helped me process that it's not my fault that it happened and that I had good reasons to go no contact and I don't regret it at all I feel actually liberated. And you help me even more confirming this so thank you. 💙
You're welcome!! Glad this was helpful to you.
I'm happy that you found peace with this and can hopefully move forward in a healthy way. Praying you keep growing and finding freedom.
@@TherapistTamaraHill 🤗
This video and others that you have posted have really helped me while I've been going through a rough time with my own situation. Thank you so much for posting these videos. They really help.
❤ Thank you! And you're welcome. I'm so glad this (and other videos) are helpful to you.
your amazing ,thank you so much for this !
😊thank you!! And you're welcome!
My family is still in the process of destroying me. Now I’m depending on doctors to save me. It doesn’t look good
Love the content. Thank you for your time n efforts.
Much appreciated! And you're welcome!
Thank you for this one,it came at the right time and is very much appreciated.
You are so welcome! Glad this was helpful.
"Family is everything" - I think it is the same all over the world, not only United States.
Very true. It is!
I could listen to this all day. Thank you Ms. Hill xoxox
You are so welcome! Thank YOU 😊
Thank you, thank you, thank you for your wisdom! You help so many people, and I greatly appreciate all of your thoughtful videos.
You are so welcome!🤗And thank You! Glad this was helpful.
Absolutely aggree !!!!!
Thank you for all your videos! I'm newer to your channel and watch when I can. You are a blessing! The information you provide is so helpful and you share it with such grace. Thank you.
You are so welcome!! And thank you for these special words.🤗
Thank you!!
You're welcome!
Nailed it!
💖💗💓💛🧡❤💚💙yes!!
Thanks guys! Glad this was helpful.
Respect trumps Family,
Thank you 🌹
You’re welcome 😊
Truth
Thanks so much for this video! I have been struggling with distancing myself from my dysfunctional family for quite some time. Every time I try to take space from them, they call, text, and leave sad manipulative messages on my phone and don't seem to "understand" my need for distance no matter how I communicate that need to them. I'm wondering if cutting them off is my only option at this point since I can't seem to get through to them. At least watching this video has helped me feel less alone and validated. Thank-you!
You're welcome Jesse. Glad this was helpful.
You raise a point that so many in unhealthy families feel stuck by. It's hard to determine what to do until you are absolutely over it all. Then you make the decision perhaps you didn't want to have to make -- cutting them off completely. You have to do what your heart feels it needs.
Bravo! ♥️♥️♥️👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾♥️♥️♥️
🤗❤
Excellent topic. You brought up what most never talk about. However this family-is-everything is not necessarily a primary abuse in the United States. Muslim families appear to stand out with their tragic kill-sister-daughter etc. Yes it's in USA but not #1 area. I for one made a mature logical decision after emotional abuse to permanently cut off my bio-family. All of them because of their back-stabbing hateful sick enmeshed circle with narcissist mother. I wrote letter and said kindly without explanation, " with careful thought and consideration I have decided to cut off bio family because it is the best thing for me. Thank you.
Farewell and so long."
Thank you for mentioning other cultures as well. My best friend is Muslim and the toxicity there was saddening.
@@TherapistTamaraHill 🥰 you are amazing. I'm sharing your video with a woman in the news who was "stabbed by her mother." Crazy stuff.
Hello
👋