Growing Up With A Mentally Ill Parent: 25 Signs- Psychotherapy Crash Course
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- Опубликовано: 18 фев 2020
- A mentally ill parent can be very challenging to grow up with and live with.
You might want to grab something to eat and pull up a chair. This 30min comprehensive video explores the behavioral, emotional, and psychological challenges that may create problems for an adult child with a psychologically unhealthy parent.
What was your upbringing like?
Would you be able to point out some really stable points in time where your parent was everything you needed?
Would you be able to point out some really unstable points in time?
If you are able to point out both you most likely had a "normal" upbringing.
But if all you can recall are negative and unstable periods of time that were possibly even traumatic, you most likely grew up under an unhealthy and psychologically unstable parent.
Each symptom, depending on severity, that occurs individually or together with other symptoms can result in a parent who exhibits disturbing behaviors that can traumatize a child.
In this video, I will be discussing 25 signs that your parent may have been psychologically and emotionally unstable.
I highlight and define symptoms and behaviors that mat be concerning to a clinician.
Similar content:
- 17 outcomes of having a mentally ill parent • 17 Negative Outcomes O...
-Children of mentally ill parents - www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/arti...
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I'm Támara, a licensed and nationally certified mental health therapist, with over 12 years experience. I specialize in helping children, teens, and families with mental illness. I also treat psychological/emotional trauma in children, teens, and adults.
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Really needed this. Thank you for posting
You're welcome!
I don't remember my dad ever talking about suicide, I just knew instinctively from a very early age that he would die that way, and it made me suicidal too (he eventually took his own life as I turned 16). He was like a big heavy ghost in the house, sometimes raging/violent, but mostly morose. I thought it was safer to be around my mum but it took me years to realise she was just as toxic as him, just in a different way 😕
Children are a lot smarter than we give them credit for. You could probably sense his vibe and energy, especially if you are an empath/ highly sensitive person. Additionally you could see patterns in his behaviour first hand and his attitude towards different phenomena. Then again there's that sixth sense, the knowing in your gut that you know even when there's no logical explanation for it. I always knew that my dad would die early, before all of us and he did. I also instinctively know that a certain family member will really live a rough life, because of their bad karma, not that I'm wishing them ill, I've actually prayed against it. But I just know. Shrugs .,. Life is weird
Damn I’m sorry buddy. Hope you’ve found some peace. Still figuring out mine.
I feel so validated.
This was my EXACT experience growing up. My mother (I have discovered) is highly covertly narcissistic, OCD to the extreme, and incredibly emotionally unstable. I never felt seen or heard or validated at home. It’s taken me decades to accept that I am worthy of taking up space and having needs and wants and desires and thoughts of my own.
Thank you for speaking on this.
Yes, you're welcome! And I'm sorry you had to experience this. This is a typical scenario for these kind of parents.
Long videos are very helpful! Both my parents have died in the last 7 months. They caused so much strife and division. They also passed down their disorders to some of the kids and created codependants out of others. I am working on both forgiveness and moving on without family. Very grateful for my emotionally supportive husband and friends.
Thank you Gypsy!
I'm sorry for your loss and yet, I would not be surprised if you feel some relief. These kind of parents severely "disable" their children. I do believe God sends angels to replace these kind of parents.
@@TherapistTamaraHill Huge sense of relief. In one of your videos you said something like :when the psychopathic father dies it is the best thing for the family". That statement really helped me to not feel guilty for the relief I feel. It is a much safer world for me now.
I have a similar story- after both parents died, the family dysfunction went into high gear- and, like when any parents are away the naughty now adult siblings created havoc on me. I walked away- my mother validated me before she died. Alone, but strong not giving up.
One thing that frustrates me the most is because I was traumatized and also had mentally ill parents, I am unable to have the life I envisioned for myself, you know? I couldn’t dare bring a child into this world knowing how “unstable” I am nor can I see a person able to accept who and what I am. I do think I’m great, a good person and very loving, but given that I have these issues and unable to connect appropriately, it makes me sad to know I can’t have what my heart wants most.
I can feel you
I have this thought too
Some parents should of never had children. I have lived and been a caretaker of loved ones who have mental illness and behavioral problems my whole entire life. I also went through every kind of abuse you can think of in my lifetime. I have complex-ptsd, major depression, anxiety and ocd. I have to take medications every day and every night. I have a counselor and a mental health caseworker. It's a daily struggle and fight for me. That's not counting all my other medical conditions and limitations. I've been through so much in my lifetime that I have to live by myself for my own sanity. I have to live by myself for my own mental, emotional, physical and spiritual well-being. I put everyone else before myself for years and years and years. I've had 6 caretaker burnouts and I've had nervous breakdowns. My brain is absolutely exhausted.
I'm so sorry for all you've been through!! It's a real struggle.
Matthew 11:28-30:
Come to Me all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest, take my Yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you Will find rest for your souls
My mother was a cold, evil person, just as her mother was. Never a hug unless there was an audience. Lied on everyone, maunchausen her kids and poisoned our neighbor when I was 13. She is now 90, bragging about all the things she did. I have to live with the thought of their nasty blood running thru my veins.
Hon,
It's just blood. It ain't YOU. Unless you choose it to be. Jerk ancestors are no excuse to fail in life. And great ones are no guarantee that you will be the same. Because you get to choose for yourself. I have a new nature because of Jesus. Though wholeness is far from complete. I struggle almost daily. Mental illness and personality disorders in my family as a child and an adult.
But I really want to share with you that you can move forward. Sure beats giving up the rest of your life to the sad folks in your past. The cycle can be broken SOMEWHERE.
So let it be with you.
My mom scares me sometimes she gets hyper acts weird like a child or just does impulsive things and deep down I know she is not well. Mental illness runs in my family and heavily effects the women in my fam at her age. Idk if it’s bipolar or schizophrenia but it’s something.. I’m so sad it breaks my heart bc I know one day it will be too far gone. She won’t get any help she doesn’t think she needs it
OMG! Of all the videos you have posted this one is the most difficult for me to respond to. I can't bring myself to admit any fault on the part of mother or my grand parents who reared me. I can however, heap tons of fault towards my father who divorced my mom and abandoned his children. At least my mom was there. What I can say is that I didn't get what was necessary for me to grow into a properly functioning adult. My mother also didn't get what she needed to become the parent she needed to be because her parents didn't get what they needed. I am taking all these dysfunctional patterns back to the plantation where they started. I can remember what my grandmother told us about her upbringing and it was shocking what our ancestors had to endure. That peculiar institution known as slavery has left its mark on the descendants of its slaves up to this present time.
Thank you for sharing your perspective on this. I agree with the first part of your sentence. The same with my mother. She was there and there is no fault that I see on her part. She's the most stable person I know. However, as you said, there is a component of intergenerational trauma.
But, sadly, for other (as you know) they can't say the same thing. If I look at this through the cultural and race lens, you are right. I couldn't agree more.
My dad lost his wife our mum in 2008, I was 9 at the time and I just remember my mum as always being the one who would be affectionate towards us and who took us places and socialized. When mum died from alcoholism dad just started drinking heavily too and he was not emotionally available, he saw his lif as being separate from us as kids. So his drinking wasn't anything to do with us and we shouldn't be bothering him about it even though it affected us because he was getting drunk every night. Dad would not be eating and I saw that as a kid I struggled with eating too and he wouldn't understand that him mentioning he wouldn't eat aswell wasn't helping. He would just drink all the time and then get angry and mad at me so start calling me names and doing strange things like trying to leave the house when drunk and wandering not knowing where he was. It was like just watching what happend to mum happen all over again. This went on for over 10 years and I just felt depressed and started hating myself because of the things that would happen.
I'm 22 now and still feel completely clueless as to who I am, just feel numb and panicked and uncomfortable around people.
I think alot about everything with my dad, we don't speak now because he kept being verbally abusive but I just feel lost in life to be honest.
Worried sometimes that I might have a personality disorder or a bigger problem other than social anxiety. Just don't know how to feel good most the time.
Good Video! I’ve been telling my wife this. A friend of my 7 year old sons mom is always saying how her son has all these psychological issues and he’s on medication and goes to therapy. I told my wife she’s the reason he’s that way, she needs therapy. She has ALL the traits of a borderline. My ex, my daughters mom is a borderline so I’m familiar with their traits.
My mom suffered from mental illness was in and out of the hospital for it as well it was all over the place I saw things a child should not see . And she abused prescription drugs. Eventually she took her own life I now have CPTSD from child hood thank you for your videos
Another cracking video, thanks Tamara! It was astonishing to hear so many of my bipolar mother's behavioural patterns come up in what are, to me, new categories - for example 'traumatic bonding' exactly describes an element of our, it has to be said, tortured relationship. (I'd say she was around the 22 out of 25 signs mark....!) Exploring all this new research on her condition is really enlightening, even years afterwards. I can still be triggered out of my wits by my, now 85 year old mum...even though old age (hers and mine!) has taken off the serious edges! It's been a life's work to build higher, safer ground...the next challenge is what comes up for me and my siblings when she is no longer here...I ponder that quite a bit.
Thank you Jo. Glad this was helpful!
I'm glad that you have been able to see your mom in this video. That speaks to the fact that something out of your control was wrong. It's validating to hear that you are not the only one and that there are labels to describe a set of behaviors that are not healthy. It appears that old age does reduce the intensity of the behavior. Research tells us that individuals with personality disorders or certain mental illness do become less aggressive, difficult, and complex as they age. There's many reasons for this, of course. I found by watching my mom with her own mother before we lost her in April is that if you can salvage any parts of the mother-daughter relationship...do it. It's interesting because when my grandmother died my mom took it so very hard. Judging by their relationship over the years I didn't really think that would happen. We love her dearly! But she was very difficult as a mother for many years. Old age did reduce her "sharp edges" and she became the mother my mom always needed. It's complex and I think we need more research on this dynamic.
@@TherapistTamaraHill Hugely interesting, thanks very much for this detailed reply. Well, I feel have certainly done my utmost to salvage the relationship, (the third part of the book is called 'Deliverance and Reconciliation and covers our mutual attempt to heal things, a little, and where possible). Very thought-provoking to hear about your Mum taking her mother's death very hard....and you not thinking that would happen because of how embattled that relationship was: now, I know that people around me have heard me talk of a certain relief I think I'm going to feel, but I think I'm being too glib about this and your mum's experience bears this out:...at the moment I think the biggest thing I will mourn when my mother dies is the loss of a real mother when it really mattered most, and I know I'm likely to be moved and saddened by the loss of her relative sweetness to me now, which I can't really trust and is too little too late. I suppose I just don't know how it'll really be or how I'll take it until it happens...just have to be a bit more humble about psychological 'meteors', I suppose....!
I had never heard of catatonia before, but I definitely experienced that when thrown back into an abusive home after a month long stay at a hospital.
Thank you for all of your work
Thank you! Glad this is helpful. 😊
Oh my gosh, when you spoke about tricotillomania that really hit home. Seeing my parent do similar behaviours, mostly in the form of skin picking and som hair pulling really messed me up. I could never explain or understand why, and believed for a very long time that I was the problem when reacting to it and feeling sick around them. Thank you for the validation.
This was so juicy and informative
This was not long to me lol i love your longer videos. Im really into learning about all these things. Thanks 😄
Thank you!! 🤭
Thank you for the information.
You're welcome!
Very helpful and comprehensive thank you
Thank you. Glad it was helpful! You're welcome.
I'm so glad you made this video, I makes me feel less isolated
That's great to know! Thank you!
This is spot on! You are so well-educated and explain everything clearly!
Thank you!!
I'm enjoying the growing array of topics, Tamara. You have great delivery, considering both the medium and content. Your videos are clear, informative, and really well bookended. Just great writing and editing.
I'd encourage you to stay connected to what's current on youtube trend wise, and try to envelop that into your teaching. It's good for clicks, and might get you trending.
Glad I'm along for the ride.🙂
Edit: Upon re-read, it sounds like I'm saying this isn't current...I'm not and it is. 🙂🙂
Thank you Ali!! Appreciate that insight. I'm always growing and learning so I'm open. 🙂
my whole family is mentally ill including myself bipolar 1 so this is extremely helpful and you explain it so directly and interesting
My mother schizophrenic, controlling and treaturous. My father a sociopath. I have BPD, depression, eating disorder, anxiety disorder, panic disorder and suffered from psychosis last year. I'm pretty much dysfunctional in society
Long videos are welcome. Details help to understand better.
I find understanding is key to healing.
Thank you
You're welcome!! I prefer the long ones too.
Very well said. So very well said. Though I've passed the part of the journey where I'm blaming my parents for my decision to just be better do better and seek what I need to support my betterism, I found this very informative none the less so that I'm able to even parent my own parenting better. Because parenting doesn't stop once they're 18. It begins a all new level of patent child relationship. And they really need to write more on parenting adult children as well as how to heal the self when you aren't being parented well as an adult yourself. Thank you so much dear!🙏
💖 You're welcome!
And thank you for pointing out that parenting doesn’t stop at 18. So many parents miss this. I plan on covering this topic too.
Very informative!
Glad it was helpful! Thank you
Thank you for your videos
My pleasure! You're welcome! And thanks for watching.
This Gave Me Extra Insight On Psychosis I Wasn't Aware Of. "Now Where Do I Go From Here"? 🤐👂
Had to crack up at the end cause I was eating popcorn.
🤦♀️🤣
very very helpful
My mother is mentally ill after a big incident that happened when I was of few months, no one explained me about it. She used to beat me for small reason. I remember she bet me so much one day because I participated in a group dance which she did not like. After that I was afraid and never participated in anything. Although I am not afraid of participating anymore. I had a lots of clashes with her, she used to beat me so much. I went to hostel when I was 16 and now after 3yrs I have to stay at home due to pandemic. I am not able to study anything. Along with that she keeps talking things that are out of this world, out of anyone's understanding. I am defenitlely happier when I am in my hostel. I do get feelings of leaving home and start living alone, but I am not able to do that now. But I am trying to find an income as soon as possible.
I'm so sorry. Your mom is obviously in need of help and she should have gotten that help years ago. Sadly, you were the innocent child that came into the middle of this and didn't deserve what you got. But here you are and I think once you find your independence and stability you will be able to move on and find some peace of mind outside of your mom's world.
Man your spot on and thx for vid.
🙂 You're welcome!
Literally every single thing you have said in this video I have seen.
I have grown up with a mentally ill primary carer but unfortunately they remain undiagnosed. As a result I find myself homeless and still having to defend myself from various attacks by otherwise well-meaning yet highly manipulated authorities that they like to unwittingly abuse as flying monkeys..
I can’t get that person to get a diagnosis but I certainly can get one for myself unfortunately exactly what you’re talking about isn’t well recognised in the UK.
It’s a great shame. I wish I knew where to go to get free help.
You are sooooooooo helpful.
I'm so glad! Thank you! Glad this was helpful.
I love this video because you keep validating so much of what I have already concluded in my own life. The very last one, #25 I wish you could elaborate more on so I will search for more of video content like this on you site. I am an adult and still feel like my mother who is unstable mentally, continues well into her 90s to use me as her therapist, her banker, her social connections, etc. I have always felt something was wrong with this and I felt guilty for being angry. Now I know that my unease and unwillingness to keep being this type of support for her is ok. She won't get help at age 90 and blames me for not loving her. I have been estranged from both her and my toxic father since I turned 50. I am no longer feeling guilty about my choice only relieved and glad that did decide to remove them from my life. So much damage they've done to me and so much re-learning I need to do in my middle age. Thank you for your great work and for sharing with the world.
Thank you JiminVJin!! Appreciate that and am glad this was helpful to you. It sounds like your mom may have a personality disorder rather than a mental illness -- or has both (i.e., co-occurring disorder). It is possible that she is anxious and depressive as well as having traits of dependent personality disorder or borderline personality disorder. A quick Google search of these terms may yield some more insight.
@@TherapistTamaraHill Hi Tamara, thank you for your insights. I say mental illness because she suffers from severe depression but yes, I see personality disorders in her that you touch upon in you video. I've also been researching behavioral mental health articles and can identify lots of disorders that my mother has displayed consistently through out my childhood and now adulthood experiences with her. My father also has personality disorders that I can now identify through my memories and experiences with him. I was sad but relieved to learn that both parents have suffered so long and won't ever try to seek help. They think I am the problem and that I don't love them. However, l love them but do not wish to have them in my life because I want peace and I want to heal. Thanks again for responding. You are amazing and a real blessing!
Thanks for these videos.
I am very emotionally/psychologically traumatized and have a hard time finding a support system that is healthy.
Most of my life i felt detached from everyone. I didn't know i was traumatized, now i know i am.
What can i do to get through this? I feel really stuck in life...
Very impulsive; to hostility, disorganized, playing stupid, thinking delusional thoughts, rage, hate towards me, intrusion into my private life and traumatize me.
Thank you so much
You're welcome! Thanks for watching.
Thank you for the video. My mom I felt was physically present but mentally not there.
You're welcome. And yes, I understand. That is just as difficult as not having a parent at all.
Can you relate to this? Let me know in the comments below.
Have you ever considered weed as a actual help to certain people who might've been an angry and over anxious person before hand?
Your videos are always on point and a blessing to us viewers
Thank you!!
@@ladarriusdotsonrepentandpr798 I have, yes. I'm on the fence. Not a fan of it.
Thank you so, so much!! I’m 54 and frequently get triggered by my 81 year old mother.
Aww. You're welcome! I understand. It's hard to manage and sometimes but with knowledge and clarity, it can become a bit easier.
Thank you
You're welcome!!
Ms Tamara Hill, you have a seriously GORGEOUS head of hair!
Thank you! 🤗
Your so beautiful & pretty Mrs. Hill.
My mom suffered mental health issues from the time I was 8. It was so traumatizinfg for us. We went to live with granny ultimately and she was a real piece of work. I honestly do not believe she loved us at all.... before she died I asked why she came and got us...she never answered..I get so angry sometimes but am working through it...Although she wasn't diagnosed I often thought she was off and we butt heads alot when I was a teen cause she just didn't make sense to me so I didn't argue but just did whatever I thought was right....and sometimes I did whatever I wanted...js
Omg this made me cry
I'm sorry.
@@TherapistTamaraHill I love you and your work thank you 🙏🏼 it’s appreciated Tamara 🌸 Bless you
Very well explained!! Understandable for everyone!! The bulling egocentric narrssisstic parents were mine never wanting me to come out of their shadow!! I surely think that I m a much better person like them!! Well being better than them is really no challenge for anyone!! 😉
Thank you Anna! Glad this was helpful.
These kind of parents are often the worse to deal with. They tend to meet the criteria of personality disorders than mental illness. Sometimes even both!
@@TherapistTamaraHill All of your work is being very very helpfull! They also were completely psychotic they both had jobs a seemed to live a normal life but at home it was an other story!! For example the believed that they had made a deal with Satan and that God had put me in their family like a troyan horse to destroy them or that normal people were guardians of the sistem observing them! I mean they really believed it and they never went to psychiatrist!! I was diagnosed cptsd and amnesia and it took me eight years to remember and work through my family history!! I was never delusional only temporary during my three mental breakdowns while my past was commig back!! I now it will be a long life work but now that I remember everything I feel like a whole new person or the person that I should have ever been!! Now that I'm not doing weekly therapy and only go to the psychiatrist every three months your youtube channel is being very useful to continue to unveil and understand my past!! This has been a long message I hope it can be useful for your wok and for others!! Even though sometimes circumstances can seem to drive us crazy we are never what others make of us!! 🌻😎
Addiction to food also and other eating disorders.. I can't imagine what the children of my 600 pound life parents go through 🙁
Happened to me took child to terapist and she said I can do nothing for the child until I helped you.
This is very true. I deal with this so much at my practice. 9 times out of 10 the parent is the issue - in parenting, co-parenting, discipline, etc. Child therapy is often parent therapy.
Thank you.
The worst thing is when I have to explain to others why my mother is shouting, talking to herself or saying weird things. I feel like I owe an explanation even if I believe they'll probably think I'm weird too. Sometimes I love her sometimes I hate her. It's hard to live with a mentally ill parent and it's not a commonly discussed topic.
thanks
Welcome!
Thank God 🙏my grandparents raised me. They could have been the casue of her evil evil ways just sick😪 keep praying for these individuals 🙏
I'm enjoying your educational sessions, Tamara, thank you. I want to ask if Anosognosia is in DSM5. It seems to be a catch all for a handful of symptoms that cannot be identified. Yet, if the symptom is not knowing the greater reality of the world in general, we could call this Delusional or mass psychosis. Unconsciousness. Thoughts? I'm speaking of adults, only. My dear mom was overly religious, thank goodness my dad was different, not so very religious - my attachment was to him, which allowed me my stability, I think.
Yes, you're welcome! And thank you for watching. :)
Anosognosia is more of a neurological word which is a completely different field from psychology which produces the DSM. So it is almost always a foreign concept to some. I think those who are overly religious suffer from this the most because of how they perceive the world and people in it. As a Believer myself, I get it. However, being devout goes to a whole other level when illness is at the core of the person's belief system.
Outstanding information. Thanks. Delusional persecution was an Aha moment. My mother accuses me of doing things to abuse her, threatening to call the police. She's a vunerable narc and alcoholic too. I live in another country to be away from her, just waiting....she's 88
6:41 Spot on what I experienced growing up. Both my parents got a screwed world view, and when I'd ask for advice regarding friends or such, I'd get a hateful, mean awnser. Even at like 11, I had a argument with my girlfriends and my mom just said "No wonder nobody likes u" then refused to discuss further 😅😂
I grew up to manic depressive psychotic father..i wish i hated him and left than love him and stayed..
That's tough indeed. When you love an unhealthy parent it's a bind to be in. You know the parent is unhealthy and needs help but you can't help but still love them. That's traumatic bonding.
@@TherapistTamaraHillit was worse cause i was 10 and not understanding what was happening or what it was .A nd absorbing all that trauma as if it was a normal thing . he greatly relied on me when his depression hit. And it always hit hard .. this went on for almost 25 years . effecting alote of personal life decisions based on his mental health ..i see myself more of a voice to those in similar situations and trying to give them the correct advise or at least a positive impact loomed from my mistakes. I do feel i have developed a mental disorder . some close to me believes it stems from genetics but then i think to myself do all healthy mental state people dont have a breaking point that doesn't create PTS? Depression? Anxiety? Confidence?
I understand what you mean. You might become a voice for others and that would be great! So many need that. Have you thoughts about National Alliance On Mental Illness? The headquarters offers various ways to get involved and your local chapters may offer you a place to connect and share.
And you're right about the breaking point. That's the case for many people. However, mental illness does stem, as you know, from genetics and developmental challenges. Perhaps it developed through genetics and environment combined. That's what research supports. The goal really is proper management and not how it happened. That often reduces a lot of stress!
@@TherapistTamaraHill im too far down the rabbit hole to get help....
What causes someone to become mentally ill?
Very good question.
A combination of genes/biology (how we were formed in the womb and environment/upbringing. If we are susceptible to mental health conditions because of how we were formed in the womb we become more "susceptible" to mental illness. If we were genetically predisposed to mental illness and grow up in an unhealthy environment, things get worse for us.
5:58
I am 65. Born mentally ill? Did the rapes make me crazy? Do I have DID? Am I Bipolar? Is it depression? Who cares.......now I am dealing with adult children who hate me. Never drank, no drugs, same as hole husband, clean house, home cooked meals, lots of love and ALL OF ME....BUT NOT EBOUGH!
And, since I broke down, finally, after the two Hurricanes and loosing my business and, the only man I have had besides their dad.....what a joke! So, in order with their hate for me, I will leave them nothing. And, as of this year no more help! As far as my mental health......I HAVE HAD TO FUNCTION....MY EGO AND PHYSICAL HAVE HAD TO WORK VERY WELL. My spirit recharging and my soul is mine, and these last years are mine. If they only knew. But, not a child’s place to know all.
yeah my daughter turned on me too. I stayed home as much as possible. cooked home cooked meals. tried to do all I could.
a good therapist can help you.
Yikes. Some of the cornerstone traits of Emotionally Immature and Abusive parenting is 1. Thinking that providing food, water, and shelter is all that there is to parenting and absolves the parent of any mistakes. 2. Lack of accountability. Nothing can be the parent’s fault. 3. Punitive, vengeful behaviours -> “I’ll show them! I’ll leave them out of the Will!” 4. Little to no understanding of the emotions of self or others.
My mom thinks i sleep with every guy in town
That's horrible. I'm so sorry.