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@@HealthyGamerGG You know, the examples you mentioned are not exactly for emotionally avoidant individuals per se. I think what you were mainly addressing here was the ways in which a partner can communicate his (or her) acknowledgement of the other person's emotions or feelings in a way that would be understood or translated by his partner as empathy. Something along the lines of 'men are from Mars, women from Venus'. But emotional avoidance is a fundamentally different issue. It is a lot more problematic to deal with. These are individuals who AVOID emotional intimacy with their partners, usually unhealthy individuals who may have had past trauma etc. So when some women or men (usually women) complain that their partners are emotionally unavailable, it is not in any way simply restricted to forms of expression or communication. It is a deeper and more complex issue.... I think. That said, your video is very informative as usual and I have become a new member in your channel! 😉
@@HealthyGamerGG I identify as aromantic and I honestly think it's because the whole concept of romantic relationships seems entirely jacked up. Ironically, I've been in a romantic relationship with my wife for 15 years. So the execution I can apparently do, it's the idealogy that's nonsense. I'm an excellent romantic partner despite not experiencing romantic attraction because I treat my wife like my best friend and I honor her like a beloved family member. That's it. I'm not "stuck" with her, I chose her! I still choose her. She is my equal, my teammate. Imagine expecting your co-equal teammate to contribute more to the group project than you. No one likes that guy! I stayed home to raise my son while my wife won the bread, I'm certainly not saying you can't divide and conquer. But the number of people who want a lifemate who will do all of the above when all they offer is blank: be it a paycheck, a womb for children, a pretty face, generational wealth, etc. You're betting your life that the one thing you can give them is the only thing they need and can't get themselves. Ok let's see how that works. Love your content, DK. Keep fighting the good fight and trying to kindly reality check these struggling folks.
@@HealthyGamerGG Wife cheated on me after 10 years and came out as lesbian. After one year of therapy I am finally feeling normal again but see zero value in long term relationships. I gave everything and did all the chores this is what I end up with.
I had a ton of abusive relationships in my family. Not my immediate family but aunts and uncles etc. Most ended in divorce or in one partner completely surrendering to the happiness of the other out of fear of being alone. So, I don't think "being with someone regardless". I take a close look at people if they are emotionally available, if they listen when I tell them I am hurt, if I can trust them in the areas I want to be able to trust them ...
@@JPatelLive Listening without talking is what it comes down to for me. When someone is venting, resist your urge to throw advice or your own anecdotes and just listen and acknowledge. Tank the damage and don’t fire back. The damage you tank will proportionally heal the one dealing all the damage. Hope this helps. :)
As a woman I think this it’s important for us too because most of the time you attract an emotionally unavailable person because you’re emotionally unavailable in the relationship to yourself. Most often anxious attachment/ cross your own boundaries to get the approval of that person
Women liking emotionally unavailable men is natural. That being said, there are natural things that are bad. That said AGAIN, most humans cannot fight their natural desires, good or bad. That's why sometimes, extra pressure needs to be added like from the laws and regulations. The people that can fight their bad natural desires without needing much of outside intervention are the best kind of people that are going to grant you a happy life if you manage to find and get him/her. Although, you must be like that, too.
The real head fuck is being emotionally unavailable, attempt to be emotionally available with a woman who's emotionally unavailable (avoidant) and then conclude she must not like you and go back to being emotionally unavailable.
@@PR-cv1if uhmm… ok, maybe he’s not an emotionally ‘available’ guy. Really just another way of saying he’s not an ‘emotional’ guy. Many men are like this. Many of us don’t like emotions or too many of them There’s definitely a balance. And there definitely is still a very deep human experience that we have. Many of us find it in stoicism, duty, honor, respect, morals, doing the right thing, work ethic, etc
@@PR-cv1if so telling men to be ‘emotional’ is a bit weird imo. Again, there’s a balance Then you have many, many, many, many, many, many, MANY men’s negative experiences when opening up and being emotional or emotionally available You can’t blame THIS guy for an experience MANY men have.
The more I listen to this, I realize how much I appreciate my girlfriend for actually implicitly teaching me this. The process wasn't all pretty, but the fact that she could tell me precisely what she needed to feel heard made all the difference.
Yea you either learn it from ur girl and be smart enough to hold out the difficulties of the process or find out here before it deviates out of control (:
My ex-friend complained often that I wasn't emotionally avaible/vurneable, but whenever I asked them for an explanation and concrete examples on how it looks (as those concepts are too abstract and in my opinion I was doing that thing, but maybe not in a way they understand) or what one should do to be seen by them as emotionally aviable/vurneable - they were just being frustrated and complained that no one understood them. How the heck can one understand someone if that someone does not explain things?
@@nalijapetek6271 I think maybe they couldn't offer an explanation because they didn't, honestly, know themselves. In which case, maybe the problem was actually internal and not something people around them were doing wrong? I mean, this is just a guess - I obviously don't know this person - but I feel that's more likely than literally everyone around them being the problem. Not impossible that that's the case, just unlikely. Either way, I hope you both are in a better place
@@ItsAParadox02 Then at least they could not have been frustrated about me not understanding what they mean when they themselves don't understand what they mean.
Me, a dudette, watching this with utmost concentration because I was raised to be cold, focused and career driven. Although I'm not a man and this video was not necessarily created with me in mind, it helps me tremendously. Thank you Dr K! Edit: he does mention at some moments that women with these traits also tend to behave this way. We are seen, dudettes. We are seen. 😎
Accurate. The ladies at work discuss issues and emotional things all the time but I have zero time or interest (or even sympathy most of the time). Toxic but I am usually as the ladies discuss this I'm thinking "you could be getting way more work done instead of useless emotional discussions." I sure as hell don't bring it up beyond the most basic "how was your weekend... cool, back to the work issue."
Yeah, listening to this I had an epiphany about my BFF. She is very focused and driven, a "fixer". She sometimes struggles in her other friendships because, when someone confides in her, she becomes a font of (unwanted) advice. Both parties just wind up frustrated. I've coached her to mostly just make sympathetic noises and not try to fix anything, but she still struggles. I think the way Dr. K framed the situation near the end of the video will resonate with her and maybe equip her to cope better.
I’m convinced that Dr. K is one of the only people on RUclips that always considers his entire audience in every video he makes! (This is a compliment and a good thing!)
I heard quote somewhere, it says "the greatest wealth you can pass on to your kids is emotional intelligence". Growing up in an emotionally stunted household, and being unable to manage my emotions - it's just so tough. i'm getting better but i wish this video existed 5-6 years ago so i didn't have to feel like there was something so fundamentally wrong with me, and i could actually improve myself in this area. Thank you Dr K
As a woman watching this, when I cried, my mom used to shame me because she believed I should be a strong woman. My dad was the one who taught me how to deal with my emotions.
25:55 This perfectly sums up my parents' interactions in terms of emotional availability. My mom would vent to my dad about her day, he'd give her practical advice about how to avoid those situations in the future, she'd reject the advice because she was really just looking for empathy (although in all fairness she was never the best at communicating this kind of stuff), and my dad would be confused as to why since he thought he was helping.
@@jackdeniston6150 Both of their problems. She could have communicated her need for empathy better when she noticed she wasn't receiving it, he could have been more perceptive of the fact that his responses weren't satisfying her. Fact is empathy is good for everyone.
@@kingcrimson4133 I guarantee if the roles were swapped in that situation the mother would not only be incapable of empathizing but would actively chastise him for daring to be emotionally upset or venting to her about anything, while being incapable of providing any practical solution, so no, that is infact her problem.
@@PatrickRatmanstill both of their problems. Like king crimson says very good comment. The situation youre describing may be the truth in some instances but its still toxic as fuck. Both people are not emotionally open. If they both were they would make adjustments to meet in the middle.
@@PatrickRatman Also, just to add, it kind of doesn't matter who's "problem" it is, or who is actually at fault or not, because blaming it on one another doesn't actually resolve the issue (it almost always makes the issue worse, lol), so the parents end up living with that situation persisting for years, decades, etc etc. It's kind of one of the reasons I started trying to understand emotions in general more, especially after Dr K. Because if you actually want to solve problems, a lot of methods of solving problems never actually solves them, because we never actually understood the "problem" in the first place (we never understood the person's emotions). By understanding their emotions, it actually resolves a lot of problems on its own, it's actually pretty interesting if you try such things over time.
I'm a man who tries to be more emotionally available. The lack of awareness of how we as men (don't) think about emotions that Dr. K describes here, is accurate to almost every single man I've ever spoken to. This is a HUGE problem in today's society and almost a core ignorance that we happily keep up every single day. I'm really glad he's educating us with the clarity that he is. I can only imagine what the world would look like if men were as emotionally intelligent as women. Not to mention he completely called me out on either letting 0% of my emotions out or 100%... Has absolutely led to me being dumped! I have literally made that woman cry with me because I dumped an absurd amount of emotional baggage on her. I now understand that she was taking a huge hit that was way too much to handle at once. Thank you Dr. K
interesting... i think my resiliance to discussions and debates also was a problem for me in this sense, because i have no filters, if someone asks me how's it going for example, i WILL tell them how's it going, and... i don't see an issue with it, because if they did the same to me the most i'd feel is "man, sucks that i can't help them, but i'll try to be available and remember them that's the case, it's the best i can do after all" it never occurred to me that the way the empathy of other people works i that they take my issues and not so much take them in from a logical perspective, but only absorb the negative part of them, if they're only absobring my stress, anxiety sadness or whatever(even when i'm not a particularly emotional person regardless of my ability in expressing my emotions) then... yeah, of course they would be overly stressed by those conversations. it almost sounds like people take these discussions purely emotionally while i do purely pragmatically, for me it's a thought experiment and almost a puzzle to fix, discussing someone's issues, for them it's... well, i guess dr.k's analgody is right there, tanking a massive amount of(emotional) damage in my stead, despite that not being my intentions. i guess that's also why i suck at discussing sicknesses or grievings, of course it would be hard regardless, but for me it's like... "well, that happened, that's sad. ...so uh... yeah.... hm, huh." and that's doubly true when i lost my father and that was sorta my reaction to my own grief, because... "well tha happened" that was about it, the practical consequences of that event only started showing up way later(months if not years) so i didn't really feel many emotions regarding the death itself and because of that, i also have no idea how to discuss those topics with people. ...i kinda forgot what my point was, but, i guess it was something along the lines of me not getting why people even approach discussions like that as my own body and brain don't work like that.
@Femtoisbackandbetter lol thats true tho, i can tell u that from experience, bruh i mean come on, why would my gf always mentally breakdonw and start questioning her life and bring her past trauma again after losing one quickplay in Overwatch 2
One thing I noticed my mom does sometimes, is when somebody calls her and starts venting, she will just straight up ask them "do you want to vent or do you want me to help problem solve?" and I think that can be a great way to go about it.
Yeah, I’ve started asking my friends that recently and it’s helpful to know what to do in that situation. Another thing I’ve been trying to do more is asking if someone is emotionally available to support me if I need to vent before the venting.
Great conversation. This exactly matches with what my husband and I had to navigate (but without instruction haha.) He thought that sharing his emotions meant him letting loose on me, both AT ME, and also by ranting at someone else vicariously AT ME, both of which methods were grossly obnoxious. Lucky for him, I love him a lot, and lucky for both of us, he was open to my feedback.
im genuinely happy for both of you and wishes u both the best.. +if u dont mind i had a question have you ever found urself doing the same thing (as ur husband)? being overly obnoxious/anxious or being too much at sometimes
If someone has an emotional breakdown when opening up to me, I've never lost respect for them. It means they are struggling with something, and I want to help them. It'd be like if someone broke their arm, and was screaming in pain, and I was like "Meh, it's okay to be in pain, but screaming makes you a pansy and now I've lost respect for you"
Perhaps "losing respect" is a more simplified and rude way of describing what happens in people's minds. I'm sure the people without concern for the importance of mental health do see it as weak and pathetic, but I believe aside from that, people just feel overwhelmed by extreme emotional outbursts. People who aren't professionals aren't equipped to handle those, so it's only logical that if every time someone opens up they have an emotional breakdown, people feel more and more incapable of dealing with that person and eventually want to tap out. Not only that, but if this happens late into a relationship I'm willing to bet most people would feel bamboozled by the sudden introduction of a completely new dimension that you didn't expect or sign up for.
Well, from how he was talking, it was from a business point of view, and I don’t think that person would’ve been hired anyways if they came in there and just broke their arm two completely different scenarios
That’s literally a man’s life lol. Obviously we should only save that for people who can be trusted the problem is… Nobody’s upto snuff let’s be honest here.
It's easy to say but doing is harder. I think subconsciously women don't like this behaviour from men who they aren't already heavily intimate with. It's the biological trope of a stoic hardened outer shell man with a soft centre that only, you, the one special woman that is like no other of his life can crack open to see. There is a huge gap between understanding emotions, and reacting positively to improve a relationship with someone that goes against the biological intuition that being vulnerable, man or woman, is a bad thing for survivability.
I'm an autistic female and I strugle making friends because I like to talk about my interests like rocks, music, physics but never about myself. I like seeming strong and helpful or supportive to others, this includes not taking about my negative emotions cause its a sign of weakness. I can talk about other peoples emotions by asking questions and then saying "that sucks" but if I am having a bad time I will just talk about "doesn’t the bus suck" or "Im upset" without elaborating (small talk). I can share frustrations and happines but not sadness. Most recently my Uncle died and I was distraught for weeks but I couldn't tell anyone cause I had no close enough friends. Instead I just told people nothing (exept for "bad" on how are you questions) and then containing it all was really hard on my own.
@@BiancamellaSays I have a lot of favourite rocks and I love fossils which aren't a rock category. It's hard to choose a favourite but I'd say agate cause of how diverse it is and cause it can have fossils in. I also love petrified wood especially the stuff with agate banding, also opals because they have very cool physics in their structure and each forms with a completely unique structure. I like igneous rocks where you can almost see the flow of the lava and the airbubles in it and also I like the structure of andalusite a lot and how they grow in rocks like stems looking almost organic. My favourite rock is one that I have, which is a fosalised oyster shell that is a very stricking white rock in gray rock matrix and has been smoothed out by the ocean. It's fun to touch and stare at. In general I think I love fossils for the stories they tell even if they aren't high quality (sea shell isn't cause it's been smoothed out) also I love the rocks I find by myself. Some other rocks I have is a piece of sandstone peteified wood with the colour of wood, botreoidal agate from Italy and a crinoid shaped like a crab claw which was my 1st ever fossil cause of how much it's shape stood out. Thanks for the question.
Dang that sucks ☹️ But you seem like a pretty cool person overall though. I'm curious, what makes you feel the need to present as "strong and helpful" to others?
@@HopeRock425 That's so cool, thank you for sharing!! it's honestly wonderful to hear passionate people speak about what they love, and your love is totally apparent in the way you talk about the rocks (and similar!) you adore. And you're so right about fossils! I'm an artist and what you said reminds me how one of the reasons I love photography is the opportunity to go on adventures and discover scenes and stories that potentially nobody has ever seen before-- at least not the way I see it, and then I can share it with people. I love to photograph the world from perspectives many people may not think of. I haven't dabbled as much as when I was younger, I'm primarily a digital artist, but I appreciate creativity wherever it can be found. 💛
I'm a young woman that was raised in a very traditionally masculine way especially by my father, he was verbally and emotionally abusive and now I often associate men giving me affection with manipulation and I end up pulling away, thinking it's some sick way of them trying to get to me and hurt me. I'm now dating a super understanding and compassionate guy, and it still makes me feel very uneasy when he expresses his love towards me, but we communicate about it, and it helps him understand that it's not his fault, and that he is in fact "good enough" and for me it helps me accept unconditional love and not always associate love with expectation and manipulation. I don't think we're gonna be together forever but this is in fact a very intense learning experience and I'm grateful that it's happening
btw funny thing, I don't struggle with emotional availability in friendships, only in romantic relationships, I think in romance and the other person's "obsession" with you can often trigger the expectations for yourself you developed as a result of trauma. Anyways, good luck with healing for whoever sees this :)
The best thing is to just be up front and honest with this stuff. You're doing a great job. If he's opening up and being honest and vulnerable and you get scared or push him away, it won't go well.
I found this video super helpful! I am in the dating pool. And have also struggled with emotional unavailability myself as a woman. I think having a reversed video along side this one would be amazing! Like how do women communicate in a way that stiffles men? how do we learn to meet in the middle etc.
My spouse just told me I was emotionally unavailable to her on my way back from a Thanksgiving dinner (I’m in Canada) so this is pretty perfect timing. Full belly and an open mind!
Something important to recognize though is that just because someone says something doesn't mean it's true. People aren't reliable narrators of their own feelings. You can accept the statement, but recognize that it means that she's feeling like she's missing something, and she is projecting that to you. Maybe it IS something you're doing wrong, or maybe it's something unrelated. The big thing to do is to listen to her, accept that her feeling is real, and keep that in mind going forward. The wrong thing to do is to try to bend over backwards to be emotionally vulnerable because she says she wants it. The problem with that is that women aren't used to men being emotionally vulnerable, it will feel weird to her, it might diminish you in her eyes. And if she is already unhappy about something, and is projecting that on to something that is a fault with you, this will just give her even more evidence that something's wrong with you, something's changed, and you're not going to be addressing the fundamental issue that she is missing. Like, sometimes people can just be stressed from work, and they'll feel incapable of dealing with it at work, and then they will be looking for a kind of emotional punching bag. Then they come home and maybe use you to relieve their stress, and you're kind of unflappable. This may be something they rely on, but at the same time, it frustrates them, because they've still got this pent-up emotion that they're holding back at work. So they maybe blame you for your lack of emotional response. So imagine in that circumstance you decide to be different, and she comes home from another rough day at work. She's about to start to pour out her work stresses to you, but before she has a chance, you start to try to be emotionally available, you start to talk about how you're feeling instead, all of the challenges that you've been keeping pent up yourself, all of your fears and anxieties, the frustrations, etc. This will NOT make her feel better. In fact, she's going to feel overwhelmed, now YOU'RE falling apart too. She's not got a safe person to share with any more, she's going to get frustrated with you. This is going to make you feel angry and betrayed too, because here now you shared with her, and now she's going to be ignoring or belittling you, or minimizing it because she wants you to stop so she can unload her own stuff on you. And the reality is the problem was never that you were emotionally unavailable in the first place. The problem was that she hasn't been able to manage her own emotional issues, and her only way of kind of continuing to handle that is to make it your fault. In fact, I think sometimes it's better to just accept that. Own it, and say "Yeah, I guess I can be emotionally unavailable." and let her blow off her steam. Let her get mad at you for just accepting it, let her wear herself out. Then spend some time together, show her that you still care about her after she finishes freaking out (assuming she doesn't get too hurtful when she's doing it). Be that stable rock. You can totally take steps to being emotionally available, but do it at your own pace. Do it for your own reasons. Gauge the reaction too. Don't do it because she tells you it's a problem you have. Also don't avoid it because she tells you it's a problem you have. Take that criticism, pay attention to it, think if you agree, and try a bit if it's reasonable. Women especially SAY a lot of things that they don't always mean. We all do it, but I think women do more. They will say a problem is one thing because it's a socially safe thing to say, or because it deflects blame from themselves. So don't act directly on the words. Pay attention to the words, but notice everything around them. Women don't like men who do what they're told anyways, they like men who do what is right, and what benefits the family. I think this trips guys up all the time, because it never really works out when they try to do what women tell them to do, when they try to be what women tell them they want. What they're saying isn't irrelevant, but you generally need to look past the words. Don't argue. Don't tell her that she doesn't really want you to be more emotionally available. Maybe ask her how things made her feel, what bothered her, etc. Let her vent, validate her feelings, and if there are things you can fix, try and fix them, but don't tell her the fix right now. This isn't being more emotionally available really, but it could be what she wants.
@@zeidrichthorene This is a great reply all in all. I kind of disagree on accepting a feeling as real, it could be a fake tantrum in order to manipulate you, but if you really believe your partner capable of that, that's a different issue to solve. However, why put up with all that shit? Like, why have to constantly look past the words, tip toe around issues, passively accept shit that triggers the "wtf this is dumb" part of your brain? I feel like we're in a dystopia and we're advising people to "just go along with it, get your ration coupon and go home where it's safe" so Creedy's men don't get you.
@@zeidrichthorene these are terrible advices. If it works for you, great, but you should never enter a discussion with the intent to ignore your partner's feelings, or make it feel like you need to fix only her. It's one thing to ask her why she feels that way and how they could improve, but a whole different thing to go "bro you don't say shit, just nod and pretend she's right, cause she won't like you if you show weakness." Irony of this comment appearing in this video.
Coming from a household where emotions were never discussed, I am very lucky my girlfriend took a lot of time and effort to help me with emotional communication. It has been a difficult couple of years but I'm finally getting the hang of it and both of us learned so much from this process. It is not only enlightening for the dating scene, but being close to and sharing your emotions can be so important to a meaningful life.
23:20 Lady with an emotionally “unavailable” man. I smiled so hard when you were giving details of what you felt when you told your brother you were engaged. Superfluous and narcissistic. Love it. Exactly what I wanted to hear. 😂 I want to share this video with him, and he generally likes you, but it’s so hard to get him to share. He’s “not my responsibility” when it comes to that stuff, but I love him and want to healthily be with him. So I’m happy to try at this point. 😅
When I saw that part, I was honestly really confused at how a person could even think up stuff like that to say. Because honestly, I think for a lot of guys, such things would not even cross our minds at all in the moment, after the fact, etc. It was like Dr K became a different person in that moment. I wonder how a guy would sort of learn over time how to even ask such things of themselves in the first place. I think most guys wouldn't even understand what they were feeling, or if they were feeling anything at all by default in a moment (outside of very simple umbrella emotions). I think it can probably be learned how to become more emotionally aware, but to the level of Dr K's example? Wow, that's just at a very different level of emotional awareness.
@@null_valueI've been practicing stopping and identifying any emotions I'm feeling randomly through the day to better be aware of such things and it'll be a long time before I'm able to to immediately swap from a conversation and be able to recount all that stuff to someone else. Maybe after my end of day decompression and meditation I could get half that at this point lol.
@@null_value Honestly, I’m all about celebrating progress. And my man has made plenty. I think going from “no idea” to the comment you made is a huge step in that direction and shouldn’t be overlooked. ❤️ Also in your defense, you’ve had a lifetime of thinking and feeling the way you do. A half hour with Dr. K won’t change that quickly. It’ll take some more time with him, others, and yourself.
@@null_value When I saw that part, I felt like watching a RUclips video with a hundred ads, trying to skip every second word he said. If this is necessary for a relationship, then I will happily die as a single man. 😄
@@joshuablaz.. I think People mostly dont Like to be told what to do as they are neither how to feel. If you Came to me an Said: wow my best friend Just Cut ties and i answer: Well now you are sad, confused and disappointed- even If that is an emotional reflection of what May be Going on, you May feel that to be invasive and overbaring after having Made a Statement without even me trying to hear your own thoughts Out, involving you and reflecting together with you how that Makes you feel. This is also true of actions, many people dont Like having stuff ripped Out their Hands a la 'let me do it' - its reflective of a parental Response that is infantalising and overbaring even- it comes across as you dont Trust me finding solution with guidance rather then overpowering by Putting on top what ever you think is right. Thats authorian. It gives a Sense of Feeling supirior cause you think you got it all figured though your convo partner is literally a different Person and wants to do Things differently. It also sends the Signal that youre univested since you dont want to spend time for them to find their own solution by Processing Out loud with you. Lastly Sometimes, especially with Emotions there is Not much to do about it. Doing sth can solve some stuff but it doesnt automatically solve the Emotion. I think that Might be Part of toxic male Action based culture that can backfire, since in Reverse as soon as you can Not make an Emotion Go away by Action it May mean you are incompetent as a man- this can Trigger a whole snowball effect of shame especially for mascs for a general human phenonomen such as Feeling. Often especially with Femmes since they have been thaught that, they are also considering all participants Emotion in making a decision. That complexifies Things but also Makes them More realistic since Humans are Not Robots we're you throw an Input and they give the fitting Output. Learned emotional blindness can be helpful Sometimes to make an effective decision when it is needed, as of life or death emergencies but More often then Not, its too Limited to consider a broader range of effects. From my experience men hurting each Others Feeling also just then end Up in them Just skipping, ignoring or starting to Distance themselves rather then looking for an emotional Exchange.
One thing about "tanking the damage" that I think gets glossed over, is one's own emotional regulation, which is touched on earlier: basically, to write down your thoughts before expressing them. When a partner comes home frazzled after work and you ask them "How does that make you feel" it's a solicitation for unfiltered emotions to be expressed. In the context of having women feel more understood, this makes perfect sense; the video shows how having a conversation about emotions can result in stronger connections. But what do you as the partner do, with those raw and unfiltered emotions you just tanked? Where does it go? He says, to write down our feelings so we process them before expressing them, so as to not inadvertently cause a sensation of disrespect in the other if strong emotions are expressed. But this isn't necessarily an outlet with similar catharsis as expressing unfiltered emotions, and is done mainly to avoid somehow losing someone's respect for having some emotional disregulation. But if we invite our partner's emotional disregulation so as to tank the damage and alleviate their frustrations and create a deeper bond, are we not also deserving to have ours tanked in return? Or do we redirect it, to friends, colleagues, or even therapy?
I would say ideally, they are regulated themselves as well, before sharing, so then there is emotion shared and tanked but manageable for both parties to actually also bond over a shared emotional expierence, because it wasn’t overwhelming for either one of them, if that makes sense… and also it goes both ways, not only one person being the tank and the other sharing
I don't think sharing emotions when you're dysregulated itself is the thing that makes people turn away (well if they don't want you to show Any sign of "weakness" then that's a different problem), but more if you're doing it unsolicited. It was a long and hard lesson for me (more anxious attachment) to learn to ask first if my partner had the health to tank my unfiltered emotions and also to not pressure him by showing him that he can say no and to not make venting/tanking the only source of our emotional intimacy. He would also be prone to shutting down if I would just dump unsolicited which isn't great for the emotional intimacy stuff. Also for him to learn that I Can tank for him and there's value for him in sharing his emotions. I think it's important to have people that you can have that catharsis with, but it's important to regulate yourself too whether through journaling, therapy, stuff that Dr K talks about like mind-body activites, yoga etc. I found that when me and my partner are well-regulated (not taking too much damage and also healing when one needs to), then we are also more able to tank for each other (we both have more hp).
Yes, we are deserving of having ours tanked too! Sometimes it´s a matter of who is emotionaly well to recieve the damage or who´s turn it is to do it. Sometimes you are not gonna be okay to sit with them through that disconfort and that´s fine, as long as you communicate that gently and clearly, then it´s that persons job to find a healthy outlet on her own (friends, therapy, family, hobbies, pets, mindfullness, whatever works for them...) to emotionally regulate themselves. You are not a bad person for saying "sorry, I can´t support you today. I'm also not feeling well", you are just a human being communicating your boundaries and that´s cool! That´s what you are supposed to do in a healthy relationship (romantic or friendship) and the other part is supposed to understand.
@@lanarodrigues1974From my personal experience, whenever the few times my partner respectfully told me that they're sorry they can't support me and be present with me emotionally when I feel extremely disregulated, it did led me to level up my own responsibility to regulate my own emotions and improve my own self love no matter the difficulty, but there's a lil catch. This caused me to become emotionally detached from my partner because I became a lot more self-dependent about my own emotions, like I have become my own romantic partner who's there for me during the hardest. And my actual partner sensed this and became guilty that they weren't good enough to be there for me when I needed them the most. But I still love my partner tho, so no worries.
27:41 I think the monumental work itself of achieving an “acceptable level” of emotional regulation is, for a lot of us who have been firmly conditioned by life (and eventually also by ourselves) against having it, perhaps continuously and from such an early age and to such a brutal emotional and psychological intensity that even now we can’t fully grasp or understand how deeply negative, is clearly so pivotal for making everything else good happen, not just what’s described in this video but beyond it, that it almost simultaneously becomes the single greatest hopeful solution and the single greatest hopeless problem for it all.
I think this video made me fully realize that I was socialized more like men, even though I'm a straight female, and I feel comfortable in my female body. I'm pretty sure it has something to do with how my parents raised me, because my sister is even more emotionally distant and want to "fix" things (she masks it by smiling and listening). I'm actually kind of resentful when I'm dating, because I often feel like guys I date expect me to do the work of being emotionally vulnerable, even when they don't do it themselves. Yet when they realize that I don't naturally communicate like 21:30, they friendzone or reject me (which is so hypocritical). My ex dumped with me because he said he can't connect with me, even though it was him who wasn't mentally present half of the time we were spending time together. Sometimes I feel like some straight men are subconsciously looking for female partners just to use as emotional crutches. It's exhausting because it's already hard enough for me to learn how to mask my natural communication style from my female peers so that I can fit in.
It's not hypocritical to want something out of a partner that you don't do yourself. That's a common driving force in attraction - we tend to be attracted to people who have or do things that we don't.
Yeah, it's a genuine issue. I think some (or even most) men don't realize they are unavailable and they want someone who is *too* emotionally available, to the point of crossing boundaries for it. Which creates a vicious cycle of resentment
this was so relevant as a woman with avoidant attachment. combined with my GAD, I still really struggle in my longterm relationship even after overcoming obstacles like meeting family and going on trips- the next thing is always on the horizon. I question myself and my intentions a lot, and doubt myself. occasionally my partner, but usually myself. sometimes I even feel ashamed bringing it up over and over in therapy. Anyway, what you said about discussing things on an emotional level was actually really helpful, for relationship but also for school. I paused to work on my artist statement for my midterm project critique tomorrow, I knew exactly what I needed to add to bring emotional depth to my description of my project and process. I just don't know how vulnerable I'm supposed to be sometimes- in any context, with my partner, friends, therapist.. i get so fighty or flighty in even mild emotional contexts that I feel like the worst or most embarrassing person and like I deserve to live in a cave far away from everyone else. I feel like such a bad person for being so irritable even if I don't outwardly express it, just feeling it triggers thoughts of unworthiness and doubt. I feel like my therapist believes in me a lot and just makes me feel like the people who believe in me don't know me well enough or they would doubt me too.
Just curious, say you share something with a person, and you feel embarrassed about it and such. Does the person's reaction also align with the level of embarrassment you feel? I think that as I've gotten older, I kinda notice that like, most people kinda just don't really care. Something I would be super embarrassed about, other people can be pretty okay with, don't find it embarrassing, etc. Like what I perceive about the situation is far more magnified for myself, than how others perceive that same situation. It's kinda like, I have a magnifying glass whenever I look at myself, but other people also have a magnifying glass too, but they never point it at others, they only ever point it at themselves. So they can also be preoccupied with their own internal worlds, rather than other people's worlds. Like say I feel really embarrassed about something. Then I wonder, if I saw another person do that same thing, would I think it was a big deal / look down on them for it? Pretty much, the answer is always no. It doesn't make the feeling of embarrassment go away, lol, but I think it helps to mature a thicker skin each time it occurs and you see how, oh, I survived, that wasn't as bad as I thought it'd be.
It’s unfortunate because a lot of partners & friends even will still have this archaic mindset of “men should be brooding, quiet, and stoic where nothing ever bothers them and are always charming”. Which then means you’re only allowed to express the thoughts or emotions that they want you to express. It’s unfortunate that this is still a common mindset expected of men.
These types of men are often view as "exciting" and "sexy" because of the perceived difficulty of trying to win them over. I think there's a lot of women who've had poor male figures in their lives that often return to these types, or conversely, those who had overly emotional male figures. It's sort of self-reinforcing.
@LeeMan-g5jrage baits are really losing there talent, it seems every other 10 year old could do it, be subtle if your trying to make people mad no one believes someone who yells they are misogynistic and proud of it lol.
Yep! Crying because you just “love her so much” great, crying because you are struggling with things that don’t involve her “eww what does this have to do with me”.
My girlfriend of 4 years broke up with me today. She said she couldn’t see herself marrying me. It hurt, I’m the more emotional one of our relationship and we have struggled to communicate especially her over the past year or so. Wish me luck on moving on from such a heavy time period especially since we still live together and have the last few years and I have been extremely close to her family as well. Things have never been so confusing. Ty Dr. K as always
@Femtoisbackandbetter haha. Yeah maybe so. We just couldn’t wait to live together. 3 and half years later here I am. Went well for a while but i can only speculate
Please don't limit the love you give to your significant other because some guy on the internet tells you so. What he is describing can be emotional manipulation. Gatekeeping your love until you get married is no different from a woman gatekeeping physical intimacy. It can be valid if you're building trust and intimacy but using it as a "tactic" to get her attached to you is an incredibly sad way to look at relationships. Apparently she wasn't the right person for you, there's nothing wrong with you or with being emotional :)
@LeeMan-g5j sorry that you're living such a sad life. Hope you can reflect on that in time. Manipulating other people to reach your goals is generally accepted as immoral. You wouldn't want women manipulating you would you?
Yep, I’ve been all of those things. I’m still married and in a positive relationship with an amazing woman for almost a decade. You’re going to have to give someone a chance unless you are happy with your hand as your life partner. Edit: r/iamverybadass ahhhh comment.
“I’m sorry, I was wrong.” If she’s capable of admitting these words, she’s at least “emotionally capable”. It’s a litmus test. If you’ve never heard and “I’m sorry” from her, JUMP SHIP!
omfg learning about communicating emotional salience just gave me the epiphany of 'so THATS what my mom is looking for when she asks me about my day!!!!!' me and my dad have always been confused and a lil frustrated cuz we feel like we're being asked to artificially generate details for conversation lol i consider myself pretty decent with emotional intelligence, just kinda awkward socially, so thank you for this video!
Do You have genuinelly good rrlationship with Your mother? I've observed this behaviour in myself and many friends where common factor was lack of trust in parents - I love my mom and probably won't drop her at some point in life, but she usssed my issues as poisoned amo to hurt me more when we were in argument, many times.
This video is amazing. I believe this should go viral, it would change so many lives for young men and women. I have always been friends with women and didn't realize that some of the things in this video are the exact reason men have assumed/called me gay, I'm not super emotionally available but I hate emotionally bare conversation and will always push through these uncomfortable conversations instead of living with the emotion. The "holding emotional space" section is incredible and finally helps me understand why I have a hard time when people tell me emotional news (good or bad).
ive been through such hard times, talked to so many psychologists, and none of them ever really tried to understand me, you have helped me so much more than any doctor i had the past 2 years, thanks for helping me and explaining issues i have clearly so i can understand and work on them
I appreciate this topic so much, Dr. K. Your eloquent description and visual language to explain such a complex topic are commendable. Thank you. This quote in particular stuck with me: "Emotional Dis-regulation leads to Dis-respect" 14:30
I wish my father had watched this before having kids. If your kid asks, "Did you enjoy the play, dad?" don't just say "Sure, it was great." If he'd been able to express how proud he was, explain his favourite part, etc, it would have meant so much to me. He might have felt that way, but I'll never know. As an adult, that man is a stranger to me. In relationships, I try to find someone who won't be like that. But it is hard. I don't want someone to launch into a gushy speech about everything, but when it is important, sharing and explaining your topmost emotion should not be too much to ask. I have felt fatigued trying to figure out what my partner is feeling. Did I do something wrong? Did they have a bad day? Do they enjoy this activity or are they just going along with what I want? They could just tell me and make things so much easier. Verbalizing your emotions with actual language is a useful communication skillset, no matter the context.
Why didn't you ask your father what his favorite part was? Or if he cried at that scene? Or laughed? What if he said, "I mean, it was fine for a kid's play. I was bored out of my mind and cringed at most dialogue delivery. I laughed when they queued someone to enter the scene but he didn't get it so they called a second time and though what a dumbass, but then you walked in and was slightly disappointed". Would it have been better?
@sinister3vil You are proposing parentification, a coping strategy where the kid levels up so high that the child can teach it's parents how to be a better parent. It may deliver some results, maybe it has for you, but there's a bit trade off. The child also learns to push away emotions of disappointment and fear, to solve and not fee, to not trust parents to be emotionally available or mature, to regulate own emotions by controlling others. This all tends to spill over into other relations. If you're an adult who's always trying to fix others, losing energy and yourself in the relation. You probably learned to be a parent your own parents.
@@maan100283 Sorry, how is asking "what was your favorite line" the same as teaching parents how to be parents and how will it lead to the child pushing away emotions etc?
@@sinister3vil If we'd had the kind of relationship where he frequently expressed himself, even a scathing review of the play would have been better than "Sure, it was great." Because you will imagine much worse "true feelings." (Imagine you spend hours cooking a meal for someone and they say "It's great" in a super monotonous and expressionless way, and nothing else. You assume they hate it). Since you seem weirdly defensive about my father's behaviour, I'll say that he is actually a very kind and good person. But he could never express his feelings in the moment, and so I never felt like I had a father. I couldn't confide in him, because emotions made him uncomfortable. He wasn't a bad person, just lacking in basic communication skills. He moved overseas when I was a teenager and I would write him long, detailed emails about my life (since phone calls were also painfully awkward), and he would send back one line about how terrible the weather was where he was and that it was nice to hear from me. But that was it. No engagement with anything I said, no follow-up questions, no opinions. Eventually I stopped writing, and he never once re-initiated the conversation. Years later, we had dinner together (for the first time in 6+ years), and he offhandedly remarked that reading my emails was the highlight of his week back then. That he wished I had continued. I almost cried, because if he had just TOLD me that at the time, it would have meant so much to BOTH of us. He must have felt that I no longer wanted to write him emails, but a 14-year-old does not have the emotional maturity to confront their absent father and clarify the situation. We can never get those years back.
The worst thing is to hear "I care about you, you matter, you mean the world to me, I love you as friends" and when you break down, wanting the pain to finally end, they are nowhere to be found, suddenly busy or unavailable every time you need them Check in on your friends/partner every now and then without needing to be asked to do so (twice a week is already amazing), you have no idea how much that could mean to them And if you dont know what to do when your friends/partner is hurting or emotionally distressed, whatever you do, be there for them, as the worst thing you can do is not being there, make sure they see youre there (if its just text), sometimes thats all you need to do, but if it isnt enough, do something that'll cheer them up (physical affection aka hugging, going to get a certain comfort food, watching a show that the person feels comforting, or whatever else it could be and you can just ask them what usually comforts them and do that) I hope that this will help at least one person to be more there for their friends/partners (or maybe you tell a friend/partner that and it helpd them to be more there for you), nobody should ever be completely alone when they want to leave the world behind.. Or better, never feel the need to leave the world
My wife and I experienced a horrible tragedy this year, and it was wild how fast you figured you who could really be there for us. Some people were so loving and caring, other people were simply showing up out of obligation, and clearly emotionally unavailable.
The moment it becomes your partner's responsibility to teach you how to buy groceries, open up emotionally, clean, cook etc. the love dies. I'm talking about relationships where there is a clear "teacher" and "student". At that point you're no longer partners. The relationship starts to feel parental. If you take turns teaching one another various skills, that's a different story.
Eh, i both do and dont disagree. I love teaching and understand some people just get screwed by life and dont know where to get started, but i have ZERO patience now for people who cant do even a basic google search on "how to clean an apartment" or "easy recipes" or other absolutely bare minimum adult skills. I have kind of a unique perspective though, as I'm disabled and i don't have as many ways to contribute to a relationship on an equal basis so teaching an eager student who is awesome in many other ways makes me feel like i truly bring value to the relationship. I get to live out my dream of being Yoda, and he gets to live out his dream of being Luke. 😂
This is why I’m divorced twice. This literally was both of my marriages. (I was in the teacher role both times, as in very common for women in heterosexual relationships). I’ve noticed dating women is so different as they don’t put me in the teacher role, but every man I’ve been with has.
Disagree. People teach each other constantly in a good relationship. You should be able to listen and learn from each other. That's how you become a partnership.
Dudes: if your female partner loses respect for you because you emotionally broke down in front of her, that is because SHE lacks emotional maturity. Everyone has the right to be accepted for the full range of their emotions, especially by their partner.
While I agree that a partner should accept your full range of emotions, it's possible that the way you express it can be unhealthy. I've known plenty of women who needs to control themselves better as well during an outburst. Similarly, there's also a toxic way to receive emotional vulnerability. People can be too enabling of a toxic behaviour, but that's a totally different discussion.
Every woman he's dated and probably some family members, would be my guess. And now that you've belittled him for learning from experience, what is supposed to happen? Do you think insulting him is going to make him trust women more?
"But no one will bother to teach you." As a female viewer with avoidant pd, this statement hit pretty hard. Even the diagnosis felt lacking and not helpful, like just more token attention. So I'll be taking notes on this one, thank you. ❤️
Yeah I have the opposite problem: everyone in my life is emotionally unavailable. Well, except for the one person. She's the only person who genuinely cares about me anymore.
You know Dr K for the first time in my life ive been cheated on. They claimed they still loved me and cared for me, however i could tell that just wasnt true. This is still fresh and yet ive taken the responsibility to move on and regain my composure and give myself time to heal emotionally. Wish me the best of luck thank you.
Wow. This approach really works. Tanking the damage when she’s sharing how she feels. Sharing how I feel, emotionally, more. Not worrying about it being too narcissistic. Been in a relationship of 6 yrs (was fine to begin with) and communication is noticeably better after just a few iterations of changing my perspective. Thanks and hope others can learn from this video too
Emotionally-unavailable --> "You never tell me anything, I wanna know how you feel" Opens up emotionally, without being overboard or extreme --> "You're such a downer, why aren't you more positive" Okay I'll just be sure to share my emotions when I'm perfectly happy and nothing is wrong in my life
@@aawillmaIn a nutshell, if a man wants to share his emotions, then he must structure his emotions orderly; otherwise, he breaks down and then gets disrespected.
None of the modern meta words and phrases make any sense in a concrete way. Words like emotionally unavailable, confidence, just be yourself, be vulnerable make zero sense to me. I consider this type of thinking to be problematic in that it doesn't accurately address things. And so whenever someone tries to apply the reasoning, such that they are going to be emotionally available, be confident, be vulnerable, be themselves, etc they get poor results because none of these concepts have a rock solid empirical foundation. This is why people like the OP resonate here. I also know for an absolute fact that I will not get good results from applying abstract concepts that are subject to wide latitudes of interpretation and that also have zero empirical foundation, so I simply have no interest in applying these ideas in any way. People really should divest their thinking of these modern cliches, I think it would do them a world of good.
Realised I used to be upfront with how I was feeling and changed with my ex. Anytime I shared, it created drama. Rarely emotional about it e.g. once I said I'd like to move to Texas in the future, she had a complete breakdown. You can imagine sharing personal thoughts. I agree you should communicate and need to but hard today when anything she feels makes her sad just leads to drama, resentment and ultimately a broken relationship.
And since some people, like me, need very simple instructions when tending to overthink, "Tank the damage" is the perfect thing to recall for such situations. Keep up the very valuable work!
This was super helpful. I've actually had to go through life with a "guy" brain because my father was the only one who raised me, so I'm a "problem solver" and I don't know what it means to hold space emotionally, even towards myself. I can self regulate, but it's from the problem solver perspective so this will probably help me not just in my interpersonal relationship but with my own journey as well. Thanks Dr. K! ❤️❤️❤️
INTERESTING Men sometimes mainly being: The gatekeepers of emotional intimacy I've never thought of it that way before, I didn't shy away from meeting a girls parents, but I did vice versa I think I like that balance perspective it offers
1. Understand your emotions. 2. Plan how to share emotion out. Don't share 100%, just share a FAIR amount (I think it's based on the bonding level 20% or 50%...) 3. Share your emotions. How to share it? Add more "how you feel" when telling some story. What you feel before 1 event, what you feel after 1 event, what you're expecting... 4. Handle others' emotions. Sometimes, people just want to share emotions, no need the solution. We just need to "tank" the dmg. Understand => Plan => Execute => Control.
whenever i read a book or see a self help video, i think its really useful when you actually implement it your life and for that, summarising them helps me to remember them so heres the summary i made for myself to refer back to understand the associations we attached to certain things like marriage and discuss them emotional disregulation leads to disrespect, so articulate emotions well, think it thru and dont go from 0 to 100 have emotionally salient conversations, as in talk about how you feel about any event when discussing it, as in not just relaying the practical part of the info but also what you think about it, basically if you are a guy (not necessarily but generally applicable) include things that might seem superfluous or extraneous to you holding emotional space for others negative feelings, basically you dont have to try to fix anything, just listen and tank the damage, both are gonna feel uncomfortable but you are absorbing the negative energy and that helps
Ok I see what you're saying. Couple points. Are we afraid of our ability to emotionally communicate in a relationship/marriage? Or are we afraid that our partner cannot emotionally communicate? Hence the ball and chain metaphor. It feels like we're getting tethered to someone who is incapable of said communication. Which makes us feel small, ignored and destroys our confidence with the future. Also, when you went on how emotionally communicating might look like when you were talking to your brother. I was like WHOA! Then I was like whoa. Then I was like w-h-o-a.
Okay now do one around how to establish boundaries. This video does a very good job of explaining how to be emotionally available, but does little to address how to stand up for yourself when someone uses that against you. What's a healthy way to determine when you need to set and enforce boundaries, because many people are putting up with shitty partners because they're afraid of being alone. If a girl cries on my shoulder ten times she's being normal not disregulated, but if I get teary once, I'm disregulated and unnatractive. Addressing double standards, or peoples belief that there are double standards, is key to this conversation.
Videos like these helped me how to act in various ways and what to do in different situations. Years of watching this type of content have made me realize how easy people are to please and how easily you can make them like you, and that's certainly assisted me in making friends and acquaintances from work. I'd say that I'm rather well liked at my job. My co-workers greet me with a smile on their face and we go out for drinks about once a month. My partner is all smiles and very happy, clearly content with her life and having me as a fiancé. We rarely fight, but it's mostly about trivial stuff and we make up in only a couple hours. My father and mother, who have always had arguments from when I was in elementary school through high school, are very proud of me. I admit, I was kind of withdrawn from everyone and never really tried to talk with anyone growing up. I figured I'd leave a comment to show that I am grateful for these types of videos. Everyone likes me, my partner, my co-workers, my friends, my parents, everyone. People are just so easy and I find that very fascinating.
The issue is Dr.K needs to make a video on this from the women's side as well. Cause for those of us that can share emotionally, it really isn't worth "tanking it" when the women get to be bat shit insane grilling you due to emotional anxiety they haven't worked through. As someone that is older, I think the biggest thing that is missing these days is just enjoying your time with that person during your first couple of dates. Everyone is in a rush to figure everything out about you, but the issue is, I can't possibly know the context of your life in that short amount of time, good or bad.
@@St34mPunkPrivateer One of the problems is that women don't "get to" be this way without a majority of men in relationships with them allowing it. It's one of things that is a fair boundary to draw but if you don't draw it early on enough you end up passively consenting to that pattern of behavior. This happened in my own relationship. I can tank so much emotional damage that I accidentally was training my wife to be a stronger and stronger battering ram. The fix was mainly her getting therapy to not do that in the first place but I also had to draw the boundary around her not using me as that emotional punching bag, even though I could take it. I had to draw that boundary for the sake of the PRINCIPLE of the matter, which was really hard to do!
So true, I've had dates where the woman just dumps her long term issues right in front of me very nonchalantly. As if to serve as an advance warning of what I need to validate, before I even get to know the person!
Dr K - this has been one of the most important messages for me as a woman to understand when interacting with males. I had a very male centric family dynamic growing up: brothers, father, uncles etc - even my mother, (who is a loving, lovely parent) truly felt men should be revered above females. My parents marriage lasted because they had traditional roles - Dad worked, Mum stayed home to raise us 5 kids & run the home. Consequently I honestly thought men had no ability to feel emotions to the depth that women do. Men to me were emotional islands. I married a man who our marriage therapist called a 'covert' person with emotions - everything was hidden. I was described as 'overt' with emotions - my emotions were so transparent they could be read like wall paper. So despite counselling the marriage did not last. Many years later I have the fortune of meeting the most transparent, honest emotionally available man I have ever met in my life. It's like a breath of fresh air. I never knew relationships could be this easy, so inspiring. 💜💜💜❤❤❤
Can relate to this on some levels. I have to add that this can apply to anyone regardless of gender and sexuality. I think it is moreso to do with the environment you grew up in, where your parents or caregivers are more emotionally distant/conservative. I'm only just beginning to learn about the depth of my emotions and I'm already in my mid thirties. Really feels like this should be a subject in schools
A lot of this tracks with my experience, yet there's a piece of the puzzle missing that I think warrants examination. A lot of people practice a definition of "emotional availability" that requires you to be present and supportive through _their_ dysregulation. Yet when you, as a mere human, become dysregulated yourself... there is little to no tolerance, compassion, or forgiveness for your "failure" to remain composed. In my personal experience, what makes this double standard worse is when they don't take your emotional communication seriously _until_ you also become dysregulated (because this is the language they find clear and relatable). This leaves you in an unwinnable situation where there is no _effective_ way to communicate your feelings because moderate expressions are dismissed and extreme expressions are condemned without examination. I'm cool with tanking damage for the party, but _somebody_ needs to play support for the tank or he's going down hard.
so you expect dysregulated people to somehow be able to regulate you? to be understanding when they cant even understand themselfes? thats a tall order maybe you should check yourself first. you focus on you, you regulate yourself, you fullfill your needs, if you cant be alone with yourself then you know.
@@d4rkh4l34 or maybe disregulated people could have an idea of how disregulated they are, and have some compassion and empathy, even the tiniest bit, to see that no one can tank the damage all the time. And it's not like they're completely disregulated, society already deals with the extreme cases judiciously. Maybe they should also know to regulate themselves, too.
Absolutely brilliant video--this information is gold! One thing I would add though is that sometimes when those who lean more avoidant in their attachment style "share their feelings" and then get broken up with, it's because what they are sharing is actually the flaw-finding that runs through their minds as a way of avoiding actual emotional vulnerability. I'm not saying they realize that this is a subconscious strategy to avoid vulnerability. They believe that they are sharing their feelings, but don't realize that what they think they are feeling is actually a mask for something else. And of course, you can't blame the partners for getting upset when they ask the avoidant they're seeing to "share their feelings", and what the avoidant shares is just a whole load of harsh criticism and/or unfavorable comparisons to someone else. Just thought it was important to mention that sometimes when "sharing feelings" doesn't go so well, that's the real reason why.
lmao that's the most transparent self-defense mechanism I've ever seen. "When people criticise me, it's actually because they're running away from their emotions".
@@yurisei6732 look into avoidant attachment styles and how they function . You will see that "flaw finding" as a way of avoiding emotional vulnerability is a textbook trait of people with an avoidant attachment style.
This comment is an example of the reason why some PEOPLE are “avoidant”. What’s the point of sharing feelings with the one person, if they’re just gonna decide what the other persons “real feelings/intentions” are for themselves. And coincidentally they’ve decided the other persons feelings always seems to be disingenuous or foolishly“doing feelings wrong” and they know how the other person feels better than they do. And in regard to the example -what if person 2 who was sharing feelings with person 1 about how they made them feel in regard to their emotional vulnerability was the truth. And not just “””a mask”””.What if person 1 also really just can’t take criticisms at all. Like yeah people sometimes misuse criticism and that obviously bad, however to automatically blow off their concerns as some ruse is alittle odd.
I always find something new about myself when watching these videos, I've always had a lack of understanding everything and even knowing about said things since I was alone for most my childhood and willingly secluded myself during middle school to the end of highschool
I was pretty emotionally available with my ex, who would mostly blame shift and on a few occasions would get aggressive when I tried to express feelings and concerns. She rarely took accountability for her actions that were hurtful. I eventually stopped expressing myself because it lead to pain and confusion, and then she told me I was avoidant. I eventually realised I was having to suffocate myself for her to be “happy” so I left, as I was only adding to the dysfunctional cycle by staying. If she thought I was being closed off, she’d tell me to open my heart; when I opened my heart, she’d dismiss and invalidate my feelings. Most confusing shit I’ve ever experienced.
I'm only 2 minutes in, and I can already picture those memories of when I clearly made a mistake in being not emotionally available... so I'll most probably need this. Thank you.
@@johnElden8760 exactly. Kinda tired of it tbh I appreciate the depth, nuance, information, motivation/positivity, self improvement stuff, etc. But at some point the advice needs to start spreading out to other population segments.
I am reminded of a quote: "For every one pupil who needs to be guarded against a weak excess of sensibility there are three who need to be awakened from the slumber of cold vulgarity. The task of the modern educator is not to cut down jungles but to irrigate deserts." - C.S. Lewis
Thank you! This was helpful for me who has a avoidant attachment style, with an incredible woman who I’m lucky to have as my partner. I know how to hold space and find it hard to know what to say when I’m faced with an emotional challenging situation I end up giving advice in a way where I reflect on my own experience and actions and share my emotions -after I have dealt with my needs I feel comfortable sharing. But I still am not sure if I can find the right words to express that it scares me to share since, I grew up with fixing my parents overwhelming emotional needs and fear to worry them/burden them with my negative thoughts/feelings. As a woman who grew up in an an abusive environment I wish to learn how to be more supportive and emotionally available for my partner. I’m thankful your channel exists, this taught me some valuable lessons!
Bro this is literally incredible. This is one of the things I have been fighting with tonight and I decide to pull up your channel again and you have this just waiting for me. Thank you for the wisdom ❤
Re your example of the engagement: You're right that dudes usually communicate in that way but that's FINE. I disagree with the line of thinking in some circles (such as this) that are saying men have to change the communication style that is natural to them to one more similar to females. No, our differences are what make us compliment each other.
I'm a woman, but I've been living in abuse my whole life. So it's hard to know how much to share, without shutting down like I had been, or opening the flood gates and annoying people. Dr. K's suggestion of show 25% emotion is really helpful.
I can't relate to the idea of emotional availability the way it's being defined or expected. I often feel pressured to change how I express myself, as though who I am isn't enough. I'm being pushed to say things I don't believe, just to "meet halfway." I'm successful in life, but I've hit this roadblock where people tell me I have a problem because I don't express emotions the way they expect. In my experience, this is more about others projecting abstract problems onto me, rather than any real issue I have. When asked how I feel about something, my honest response is often: "I don't know. Was I supposed to feel something?" And why isn’t that okay? I'm not suppressing anything. I just don’t dwell on emotions. I’ve cried openly, like when I came clean about my past drug issues. I processed it, moved on, and turned my life around. Yet when people ask me how I "felt" about it, my answer is still: “I told them, I cried, and I moved on.” Isn't that enough? I empathize with others, and I get that many people need to talk through their emotions. But I don’t need that for myself. I process emotions internally and move forward. It doesn't mean I’m detached or repressed. Now about this scenario with the brothers. I understand the example being presented: one brother calls the other to announce his wedding, and it goes something like this: "Congrats, bro! Want me to organize your bachelor party?" The brother agrees, and that’s the end of it. That’s just how men often talk-straightforward and to the point. But when the guy relays this to his fiancée, she gets confused because she expected something more emotionally expressive. In her view, it’s lacking depth because no emotions were "processed." But that’s not how men typically relate to one another, and I don’t see why that’s a problem. Then there's the proposed alternative: the brother expresses nervousness about how his sibling might react to the engagement, asking, "Do you like her? Were you nervous?" and all that. Here’s the thing: I’d never have that conversation because I don’t feel that way. If I’m nervous to tell my own brother I’m getting married, that suggests I’m the one with doubts about the marriage-not him. Why isn’t it enough to say, “Congrats! Let’s plan a bachelor party”? Why is it wrong to communicate in a direct and efficient way that doesn’t drag out unnecessary emotional fluff? I'm tired of being told I need to be more emotionally available when, honestly, this just isn't how I process emotions. This is a common theme in my life: being told I don’t express enough emotion when, in reality, I feel everything-I just don't dwell on it. Why is that not okay? And here’s the kicker: the obvious answer people throw at me is, "Well, women need it." Okay, but why is it entirely my problem? Why is it on me to change the way I communicate when it feels disingenuous? What exactly are people going to do with my so-called emotional availability? If I’m already an open book, willing to talk about anything, why isn’t that enough? The fact is, this expectation isn't about health or self-awareness-it's about fitting into someone else's emotional mold. So if the end result is that I stay single because I'm not "emotionally available" in the way women want, then fine. I’ve accepted that. I’m at peace with the idea of staying single rather than constantly struggling with these arbitrary, abstract demands. Because when things really fall apart, it’s not the “emotionally available” guys people run to. It’s men like me, who are stable, reliable, and don’t need to perform emotional theater to prove it. And in the end, isn't that what matters most?
Its not really “how men express themselves”, its how most of them were thaught to. Its okay to talk just straight to the point, but thats not what emotional intimacy is. To feel close to others and understand them, we need to have access to their inner world and emotions. I am avoidant so i actually prefer emotionally unavailable people, but thats just because it feels familiar. I’ve learned this in therapy and i am trying to learn to open up and be vulnerable so i can have meaningful connections, although its hard and uncomftable. i feel lonely and not really connected to people and now i learned that this is why. I’d argue every human needs emotional intimacy, because relationships are what makes life worthwhile - if thats not you, there’s certainly enough emotionally unavailable women out there who you could communicate with in a straight up way. I dont think that theres anything wrong with that, i just know what doctor K. says to be true through my own therapy and research on anything related to relationships and mental health, which always circles back to emotional intelligence. What i’m trying to say is - and i might be projecting - i do feel you and i would love nothing more than just be straight up with people and have simple relationships - but i wish for you to consider this perspective that he’s offering
I am an afab person ("female") watching your videos and when you were showing your conversation with your brother as how you would portray it to your partner for more emotional intimacy I felt much more interested in you haha. It works! To me you looked more emotionally open, approachable, and easy to talk to and connect with. Great video. I want to show it to all men I know.
"Maturity", "Emotional Availability", and related terms easily become buzzwords to assign blame onto me for anything I do. I am expected to be eternally patient and understanding, only showing acceptable sides of myself in accepted manners that the other can parse. The pressure is on me to communicate clearly in a way that comes off as genuine without drawing the actions of my partner into question. Any mistake I make is due to a personal deficiency that must be corrected. Any mistake she makes is not allowed to affect me in any meaningful fashion. The result is something like a game, in which the only way to win is by saying the right thing at the right time while convincing the other that this is genuine and completely true to who I am.
Right, got my checklist. * Have monk-like awareness and control of my own emotions * Engage in conversation as women do despite how uncomfortable and unnatural it feels * Help manage her emotions * Be emotionally available on a level she wants, no matter what I want (despite being shamed over and over for not being stoic) * Suppress my natural male instincts for problem-solving so she feels better Easy.
@@JuliusC-yg4zf Way ahead of you, I was just planning my flight to Tibet once I'm done with my tens of thousands of dollars worth of therapy to remold my being into one more pleasing to the female psyche.
It's so endearing and funny how Dr. K lovingly reenacts his wife's excitement at hearing he told his brother about the engagement. And then her confusion when the reaction was a simple 'congrats, bro" xD What a great video. I feel like I needed this. I really enjoyed the example he gave for emotional salience - it wouldn't have even occured to me to recount my conversations/experiences to someone like that (as in, with that amount of emotional detail) and it's like discovering a new path of action lmao. Seems kinda weird, after all it's not like there aren't countless examples of that behaviour out there for us to see everyday, but somehow it never clicked in my brain to see that as an option. Learned sth new today. Thanks, Dr. K :)
thankyou, cant say Ive been a great example of emotional availability to my own partners, but even I recognise it and make my efforts to learn, to be vulnerable and open and listen where I can; but it has been so incredibly hard to try and 'teach' partners who dont even want to learn. I hope this video can help those who do want to learn... sometimes its just the difference between someone who acknowledges they need to learn and someone who chooses to ignore it and not even try.
I disagree with your claim that it is a general man vs woman divide where the female side wants mutual emotional conmection and the male side avoids it. Becuase my life experience taught me the opposite. In my relationships with girls (I had no girlfriends before but many close female friends) it always happened one-sidedly. They always expected me to listen to their emotional crap and empathize with them, while I suffered alone silently. In fact, when I tried to share my emotions, griefs and insecurities with them I was always met with intense negative reaction. “Aren’t you a man? I don’t wanna hear all this crap, I don’t wanna be your emotional dumpster!” Yeah, but I am fine with being your emotional dumpster, couldn’t I ask you do what I already do? No, seriously, I wholeheartedly agree with Dr. K., this is the healthy thing to do imo. In my perspective the “beneficial relationship” is one in which both sides help carry each others’ emotional baggage. You know, you draw emotional support from each other and become stronger against life as a team, that sort of crap. So it baffles me that the girls who are supposed to be better at emotions than us were the ones that strictlt wanted my emotions out. And no, I’m not talking about destructivr outbursts, I’m talking about healthy regular emotional bonding sessions, which include patching each others’ emotional wounds I’m not saying this to counterract his claim, saying it is actually the girls who are incapable to do this. I just say that the ones I’ve met were the exact opposite of what the video described.
Men are socialized to not show weakness, women in other ways too though. Being the mother, caring, and keeping it together etc. Its just a generalization, because *typically* men are less emotional intelligent because of their upbringing. That doesnt mean AT ALL that women are emotionally intelligent though… its still individual. i can recommend heidi priebe on youtube, who talks about avoidant and anxious attachment style which are BOTH afraid of intimacy but often get named as avoidant being the mans side and anxious being the womens side that wants the men to open up and be emotional, even tho anxious ppl are unavailable too, just in a different way. So to me it just sounds like something an anxious person would come up with lol!
I love the gaming jargon, really drives the point home, thank you so much Dr K been struggling with this for as long as I can remember and your video gives practical advice on how to deal with the situation in way that facilitates sustainability, at least from an emotional stand point.
I work really hard with my therapist to be emotionally available and articulate how I am feeling. I am beginning to understand what she means by allowing myself to feel the emotions. I am known among friends to be emotionally available and attentive and a great listener. But I still am attracted to/ attract emotionally unavailable women. I feel like there's so much more work to be done but it would be easier if we could be vulnerable in a non-platonic setting
It looks like you’re working hard on yourself. I’m proud of you 😊 I was one of those women that like Mr. Darcy type men, but I’ve been going to therapy for several years now and what I’ve noticed is that I’m becoming attracted to men who are more extroverted than me, who like people and who care about children. If you showed me a professor who loves his kids and genuinely cares about them beyond just his classroom duty I’d be like “damn, I want him”. I love intelligent, caring, domestic men, they’re so attractive. I’m a fairly good communicator and I am a very caring person who’s not afraid to show her emotions, but I’m more technical than domestic. I’d love a relationship where my husband takes care of cooking (my adhd hates this process) and housekeeping and I take care of our car, electricity, sewing and other technical things. What I wanted to say is that I’m proud of you, it’s amazing that you recognise that you’re still vulnerable and therefore can attract predators, so please be careful, and that women need time to grow into themselves, just as men need to grow into themselves. Stay strong! 🎉
Man I wish I heard these things before. Going from emotionally unavailable too intense I thought people couldn't handle my emotions. But the ideas of emotional reciprocity and regulation and processing are really a game changer.
The issue would then be how to deflate your own emotional stress after absorbing that of the other person. Part of the issue would also be that you need to have the capacity to absorb any additional stress. Many people are already operating at maximum stress capacity so absorbing even more stress could be not just detrimental, but lead to a complete breakdown. Often times we also cannot choose to delay the exchange, because it is demanded by others and delay would lead to further conflict, additional stress and higher stress transfer when it actually happens. Basically it's like asking someone to tank damage beyond their remaining HP and sustain rate. To avoid such a scenario you would need to maintain a buffer for unexpected shit happening at all times like planning ahead for the dps pulling aggro (again...) or tanking more crits than expected. But sometimes too much shit happens and it ends in failure. That's just life being life and sometimes shit hits the fan and things break apart. Being human means that you can only do things up to a limit. Hitting that limit doesn't make you a bad. It just makes you human.
What dr k said to do regulatory practices to keep your own emotions from going into a breakdown (writing, meditation, etc). And also be able to verbalise ahead of time on boundaries which you know if the conversation goes in a certain way too long it will make you disregulated, which will not help both parties
For me, it's helpful to view that listening i do as extremely important and helpful, even if it doesnt solve the larger problem. A lot of that stress comes from feeling helpless in the face of someone's suffering and viewing things in this manner counteracts that.
I usually do not comment on RUclips videos, but I am very grateful to watching something so relevant explained from a theoretical point of view, but also practical. Love it! Thank you.
I just get really annoyed that other people pin their emotional ineptness & insecurities onto me. They feel a certain way, but instead of saying that they do, they say that *I* do. But I don't?! The amount of projection I get in life is just diabolical.
My upbringing in this regards shows a big gap between the desires and examples. There was a wish to allow me to be ok with my emotions and it was expressed on a regular basis, BUT... the actions i saw and the reactions i got were the complete opposite. This planted the idea in my head that "a man" is there to provide for his family, to stand up for what's right and was only allowed to express emotions in the anger range. A man isn't allowed to cry. A man shouldn't share his feelings and a man shouldn't not allow himself to feel joy in the face of beautiful things.
Anyone else having the opposite problem of this? Everyone puts so much emphasis on emotional conversations, but logical conversations are incredibly useful and valuable when trying to fix the actual source of a problem. I’m in a logical isolation.
One of my biggest fears in life is that I dont want to trick people into thinking I am someone that I actually am not. You telling me that women will only respect me if I present a curated version of my emotional self is just feeding into that fear. How can I possibly gain the respect of women by choosing what level of emotions to showcase while simultaneously respecting myself by being genuine in what I am feeling? Am I doomed to either lose one or the other?
Sounds like it. Notice how fucked up it would seem if instead of the job interview example, we just switched the genders. Do men lose respect for their wives or girlfriends if they have an emotional breakdown in front of them. What would we call men who admit they do? Yeah, kinda fucked, isn't it?
It's simple. You just have to naturally be someone who is suitable to modern people's pathetically low level of tolerance. Y'know, the kind of person who wears a three piece suit around the house, or looks exactly the same without makeup. People are absorbed in romantic fantasy, if you aren't comfortable pretending to be the knight in shining armour, you're pretty much out of luck.
@@oceansanta3995 Cold, but true. Vulnerability, real genuine vulnerability, is something reserved for your closest fiends and family. Your girl gets the TL;DR, for your own good.
youre not presenting a curated version, you are making sure they aren't overwhelmed by your emotions... Just think about it in reverse, if your partner has a mental breakdown every time you speak about these heavy subjects, you probably wouldn't be able to deal with it for long. Especially when the underlying problems aren't adressed, as they very often are. You'd run sooner or later as well.
Dr. K wasn’t saying you should give a curated version of how you feel. He was promoting *emotional regulation.* Emotional regulation is calmly and coherently presenting the exact emotional information you feel, but without blowing up or losing composure like a toddler. The latter causes disrespect for both men *and* women, the former does not.
As a woman who never learned these skills and struggles to relate with other women because of it, this is very helpful. Never knew how to figure this out on my own. Thank you!
Its not even that i dont relate to other women but i come from a place where its emotional dumping, going in circles complaining and just giving practical advice too lol. I havent experienced women being THAT much more emotional intelligent than men either, there IS a certain aspect of being more reflective etc but thats it…
I was one of those women that like Mr. Darcy type men, but I’ve been going to therapy for several years now and what I’ve noticed is that I’m becoming attracted to men who are more extroverted than me, who like people and who care about children (and animals). If you showed me a professor who loves his kids and genuinely cares about them beyond just his classroom duty I’d be like “damn, I want him”. I love intelligent, caring, domestic nerds, they’re so attractive. I’m a fairly good communicator and I am a very caring person who’s not afraid to show her emotions, but I’m more technical than domestic. I’d love a relationship where my husband takes care of cooking (my adhd hates this process) and housekeeping and I take care of our car, electricity, sewing and other technical things. Getting married is my deep wish but also a terrifying nightmare. I need to know in depth whom I’m about to marry. I need someone who shares my goals, who knows what he wants, who’s a good communicator, who’s open and who wants to grow alongside me as I grow too.
emotional intelligence is just emotional awareness, and being emotionally aware can either serve your interests or not. If you don’t know what you want as a man and you become emotionally aware, that can open you up to manipulation.
Being emotionally aware means that you’re aware of your own emotions too, though. If somebody doesn’t treat you well and you’re emotionally aware, you will realize that you don’t like their behavior before you even realize the why. Truly emotionally aware people who hold boundaries for themselves and others in order to respect themselves and others are very, very hard to manipulate.
It makes me proud that Ive grown enough to the point where I don’t need to watch these videos because I already have their advice in practice. But some of the people close to me aren’t there yet, so I like to watch Dr. K so I know what to say
Do you have any negative associations around relationships or marriage? What shaped those beliefs? Let us know in the comments 🔽
Interested in more dating advice? Check out our Dating & Relationships Resource Pack: bit.ly/3U9M6Nw 💚
@@HealthyGamerGG
You know, the examples you mentioned are not exactly for emotionally avoidant individuals per se. I think what you were mainly addressing here was the ways in which a partner can communicate his (or her) acknowledgement of the other person's emotions or feelings in a way that would be understood or translated by his partner as empathy. Something along the lines of 'men are from Mars, women from Venus'. But emotional avoidance is a fundamentally different issue. It is a lot more problematic to deal with. These are individuals who AVOID emotional intimacy with their partners, usually unhealthy individuals who may have had past trauma etc. So when some women or men (usually women) complain that their partners are emotionally unavailable, it is not in any way simply restricted to forms of expression or communication. It is a deeper and more complex issue.... I think.
That said, your video is very informative as usual and I have become a new member in your channel! 😉
@@HealthyGamerGG I identify as aromantic and I honestly think it's because the whole concept of romantic relationships seems entirely jacked up. Ironically, I've been in a romantic relationship with my wife for 15 years. So the execution I can apparently do, it's the idealogy that's nonsense. I'm an excellent romantic partner despite not experiencing romantic attraction because I treat my wife like my best friend and I honor her like a beloved family member. That's it. I'm not "stuck" with her, I chose her! I still choose her. She is my equal, my teammate. Imagine expecting your co-equal teammate to contribute more to the group project than you. No one likes that guy! I stayed home to raise my son while my wife won the bread, I'm certainly not saying you can't divide and conquer. But the number of people who want a lifemate who will do all of the above when all they offer is blank: be it a paycheck, a womb for children, a pretty face, generational wealth, etc. You're betting your life that the one thing you can give them is the only thing they need and can't get themselves. Ok let's see how that works.
Love your content, DK. Keep fighting the good fight and trying to kindly reality check these struggling folks.
@@HealthyGamerGG Wife cheated on me after 10 years and came out as lesbian. After one year of therapy I am finally feeling normal again but see zero value in long term relationships. I gave everything and did all the chores this is what I end up with.
I just don't like marriage because it doesn't benefit me in any way to involve the government in my relationship.
I had a ton of abusive relationships in my family. Not my immediate family but aunts and uncles etc. Most ended in divorce or in one partner completely surrendering to the happiness of the other out of fear of being alone. So, I don't think "being with someone regardless". I take a close look at people if they are emotionally available, if they listen when I tell them I am hurt, if I can trust them in the areas I want to be able to trust them ...
“Tank the damage” is some emotional advice I didn’t know I needed.
aint got there yet: whats it mean in ur own interpretation? missed a time stamp too if poss? :)
@@JPatelLive about 26:30
@@JPatelLive Listening without talking is what it comes down to for me.
When someone is venting, resist your urge to throw advice or your own anecdotes and just listen and acknowledge.
Tank the damage and don’t fire back. The damage you tank will proportionally heal the one dealing all the damage.
Hope this helps. :)
@@aviralchandrait's more "not try to fix" than "not talking" imho. Asking questions and doing the "emotionally saillient" work should be considered
@@caiusheh agreed.
Should’ve worded my response better.
As a woman I think this it’s important for us too because most of the time you attract an emotionally unavailable person because you’re emotionally unavailable in the relationship to yourself. Most often anxious attachment/ cross your own boundaries to get the approval of that person
Women liking emotionally unavailable men is natural. That being said, there are natural things that are bad.
That said AGAIN, most humans cannot fight their natural desires, good or bad. That's why sometimes, extra pressure needs to be added like from the laws and regulations.
The people that can fight their bad natural desires without needing much of outside intervention are the best kind of people that are going to grant you a happy life if you manage to find and get him/her. Although, you must be like that, too.
The real head fuck is being emotionally unavailable, attempt to be emotionally available with a woman who's emotionally unavailable (avoidant) and then conclude she must not like you and go back to being emotionally unavailable.
@@froggin-zp4nrbruh…. That’s still a you issue. Don’t change who you are or who you’re trying to become because of another person.
@@PR-cv1if uhmm… ok, maybe he’s not an emotionally ‘available’ guy. Really just another way of saying he’s not an ‘emotional’ guy. Many men are like this. Many of us don’t like emotions or too many of them
There’s definitely a balance. And there definitely is still a very deep human experience that we have. Many of us find it in stoicism, duty, honor, respect, morals, doing the right thing, work ethic, etc
@@PR-cv1if so telling men to be ‘emotional’ is a bit weird imo. Again, there’s a balance
Then you have many, many, many, many, many, many, MANY men’s negative experiences when opening up and being emotional or emotionally available
You can’t blame THIS guy for an experience MANY men have.
The more I listen to this, I realize how much I appreciate my girlfriend for actually implicitly teaching me this. The process wasn't all pretty, but the fact that she could tell me precisely what she needed to feel heard made all the difference.
Yea you either learn it from ur girl and be smart enough to hold out the difficulties of the process or find out here before it deviates out of control (:
My ex-friend complained often that I wasn't emotionally avaible/vurneable, but whenever I asked them for an explanation and concrete examples on how it looks (as those concepts are too abstract and in my opinion I was doing that thing, but maybe not in a way they understand) or what one should do to be seen by them as emotionally aviable/vurneable - they were just being frustrated and complained that no one understood them. How the heck can one understand someone if that someone does not explain things?
@@nalijapetek6271 I think maybe they couldn't offer an explanation because they didn't, honestly, know themselves. In which case, maybe the problem was actually internal and not something people around them were doing wrong? I mean, this is just a guess - I obviously don't know this person - but I feel that's more likely than literally everyone around them being the problem. Not impossible that that's the case, just unlikely. Either way, I hope you both are in a better place
@@ItsAParadox02 Then at least they could not have been frustrated about me not understanding what they mean when they themselves don't understand what they mean.
@@nalijapetek6271no offense but why didnt you look it up? Google and RUclips it
Me, a dudette, watching this with utmost concentration because I was raised to be cold, focused and career driven. Although I'm not a man and this video was not necessarily created with me in mind, it helps me tremendously. Thank you Dr K!
Edit: he does mention at some moments that women with these traits also tend to behave this way. We are seen, dudettes. We are seen. 😎
Accurate. The ladies at work discuss issues and emotional things all the time but I have zero time or interest (or even sympathy most of the time). Toxic but I am usually as the ladies discuss this I'm thinking "you could be getting way more work done instead of useless emotional discussions." I sure as hell don't bring it up beyond the most basic "how was your weekend... cool, back to the work issue."
these are generalizations, it can affect women too especially with bad parents fr. so valid
Yeah, listening to this I had an epiphany about my BFF. She is very focused and driven, a "fixer". She sometimes struggles in her other friendships because, when someone confides in her, she becomes a font of (unwanted) advice. Both parties just wind up frustrated. I've coached her to mostly just make sympathetic noises and not try to fix anything, but she still struggles. I think the way Dr. K framed the situation near the end of the video will resonate with her and maybe equip her to cope better.
Dudette, loved that. Thats how im presenting myself from now on
I’m convinced that Dr. K is one of the only people on RUclips that always considers his entire audience in every video he makes! (This is a compliment and a good thing!)
I heard quote somewhere, it says "the greatest wealth you can pass on to your kids is emotional intelligence". Growing up in an emotionally stunted household, and being unable to manage my emotions - it's just so tough. i'm getting better but i wish this video existed 5-6 years ago so i didn't have to feel like there was something so fundamentally wrong with me, and i could actually improve myself in this area. Thank you Dr K
Actual wealth would be pretty useful too.
5-6 years? make that 20 for me.
In this situation, putting off having children is the hard but responsible choice.
@@keziavb tbh I think we’re in an emotionally stunted WORLD
@@SheilaPatterson how so?
As a woman watching this, when I cried, my mom used to shame me because she believed I should be a strong woman. My dad was the one who taught me how to deal with my emotions.
25:55 This perfectly sums up my parents' interactions in terms of emotional availability. My mom would vent to my dad about her day, he'd give her practical advice about how to avoid those situations in the future, she'd reject the advice because she was really just looking for empathy (although in all fairness she was never the best at communicating this kind of stuff), and my dad would be confused as to why since he thought he was helping.
Her problem
@@jackdeniston6150 Both of their problems. She could have communicated her need for empathy better when she noticed she wasn't receiving it, he could have been more perceptive of the fact that his responses weren't satisfying her. Fact is empathy is good for everyone.
@@kingcrimson4133 I guarantee if the roles were swapped in that situation the mother would not only be incapable of empathizing but would actively chastise him for daring to be emotionally upset or venting to her about anything, while being incapable of providing any practical solution, so no, that is infact her problem.
@@PatrickRatmanstill both of their problems. Like king crimson says very good comment. The situation youre describing may be the truth in some instances but its still toxic as fuck. Both people are not emotionally open. If they both were they would make adjustments to meet in the middle.
@@PatrickRatman Also, just to add, it kind of doesn't matter who's "problem" it is, or who is actually at fault or not, because blaming it on one another doesn't actually resolve the issue (it almost always makes the issue worse, lol), so the parents end up living with that situation persisting for years, decades, etc etc.
It's kind of one of the reasons I started trying to understand emotions in general more, especially after Dr K. Because if you actually want to solve problems, a lot of methods of solving problems never actually solves them, because we never actually understood the "problem" in the first place (we never understood the person's emotions). By understanding their emotions, it actually resolves a lot of problems on its own, it's actually pretty interesting if you try such things over time.
I'm a man who tries to be more emotionally available. The lack of awareness of how we as men (don't) think about emotions that Dr. K describes here, is accurate to almost every single man I've ever spoken to. This is a HUGE problem in today's society and almost a core ignorance that we happily keep up every single day. I'm really glad he's educating us with the clarity that he is. I can only imagine what the world would look like if men were as emotionally intelligent as women.
Not to mention he completely called me out on either letting 0% of my emotions out or 100%... Has absolutely led to me being dumped! I have literally made that woman cry with me because I dumped an absurd amount of emotional baggage on her. I now understand that she was taking a huge hit that was way too much to handle at once. Thank you Dr. K
interesting... i think my resiliance to discussions and debates also was a problem for me in this sense, because i have no filters, if someone asks me how's it going for example, i WILL tell them how's it going, and... i don't see an issue with it, because if they did the same to me the most i'd feel is "man, sucks that i can't help them, but i'll try to be available and remember them that's the case, it's the best i can do after all"
it never occurred to me that the way the empathy of other people works i that they take my issues and not so much take them in from a logical perspective, but only absorb the negative part of them, if they're only absobring my stress, anxiety sadness or whatever(even when i'm not a particularly emotional person regardless of my ability in expressing my emotions) then... yeah, of course they would be overly stressed by those conversations.
it almost sounds like people take these discussions purely emotionally while i do purely pragmatically, for me it's a thought experiment and almost a puzzle to fix, discussing someone's issues, for them it's... well, i guess dr.k's analgody is right there, tanking a massive amount of(emotional) damage in my stead, despite that not being my intentions.
i guess that's also why i suck at discussing sicknesses or grievings, of course it would be hard regardless, but for me it's like... "well, that happened, that's sad. ...so uh... yeah.... hm, huh."
and that's doubly true when i lost my father and that was sorta my reaction to my own grief, because... "well tha happened" that was about it, the practical consequences of that event only started showing up way later(months if not years) so i didn't really feel many emotions regarding the death itself and because of that, i also have no idea how to discuss those topics with people.
...i kinda forgot what my point was, but, i guess it was something along the lines of me not getting why people even approach discussions like that as my own body and brain don't work like that.
@Femtoisbackandbetter Fellas is it gay to, checks notes, emotionally connect with our girlfriends and loved ones?
@Femtoisbackandbetter yall might not notice, but this is a cry for help
good luck buddy
@Femtoisbackandbetter lol thats true tho, i can tell u that from experience, bruh i mean come on, why would my gf always mentally breakdonw and start questioning her life and bring her past trauma again after losing one quickplay in Overwatch 2
Homie my mother is the most emotionally un-intelligent person i've ever met and my entire generation is garbage at this, including the women.
One thing I noticed my mom does sometimes, is when somebody calls her and starts venting, she will just straight up ask them "do you want to vent or do you want me to help problem solve?" and I think that can be a great way to go about it.
Yeah, I’ve started asking my friends that recently and it’s helpful to know what to do in that situation. Another thing I’ve been trying to do more is asking if someone is emotionally available to support me if I need to vent before the venting.
I’m going to start asking my gf this, I’ve never thought about it lol
whaaaat
Lol
Great conversation. This exactly matches with what my husband and I had to navigate (but without instruction haha.) He thought that sharing his emotions meant him letting loose on me, both AT ME, and also by ranting at someone else vicariously AT ME, both of which methods were grossly obnoxious. Lucky for him, I love him a lot, and lucky for both of us, he was open to my feedback.
im genuinely happy for both of you and wishes u both the best..
+if u dont mind i had a question
have you ever found urself doing the same thing (as ur husband)? being overly obnoxious/anxious or being too much at sometimes
It's more sustainable to apply a patch than file a warranty claim at the spouse store. The shipping, diagnosis, and repair cycle takes ages.
If someone has an emotional breakdown when opening up to me, I've never lost respect for them. It means they are struggling with something, and I want to help them. It'd be like if someone broke their arm, and was screaming in pain, and I was like "Meh, it's okay to be in pain, but screaming makes you a pansy and now I've lost respect for you"
Well, that is a very rare trait. Most people don't wanna know you if you're actually real with them.
Perhaps "losing respect" is a more simplified and rude way of describing what happens in people's minds. I'm sure the people without concern for the importance of mental health do see it as weak and pathetic, but I believe aside from that, people just feel overwhelmed by extreme emotional outbursts. People who aren't professionals aren't equipped to handle those, so it's only logical that if every time someone opens up they have an emotional breakdown, people feel more and more incapable of dealing with that person and eventually want to tap out. Not only that, but if this happens late into a relationship I'm willing to bet most people would feel bamboozled by the sudden introduction of a completely new dimension that you didn't expect or sign up for.
Well, from how he was talking, it was from a business point of view, and I don’t think that person would’ve been hired anyways if they came in there and just broke their arm two completely different scenarios
That’s literally a man’s life lol.
Obviously we should only save that for people who can be trusted the problem is…
Nobody’s upto snuff let’s be honest here.
It's easy to say but doing is harder. I think subconsciously women don't like this behaviour from men who they aren't already heavily intimate with. It's the biological trope of a stoic hardened outer shell man with a soft centre that only, you, the one special woman that is like no other of his life can crack open to see. There is a huge gap between understanding emotions, and reacting positively to improve a relationship with someone that goes against the biological intuition that being vulnerable, man or woman, is a bad thing for survivability.
I'm an autistic female and I strugle making friends because I like to talk about my interests like rocks, music, physics but never about myself. I like seeming strong and helpful or supportive to others, this includes not taking about my negative emotions cause its a sign of weakness. I can talk about other peoples emotions by asking questions and then saying "that sucks" but if I am having a bad time I will just talk about "doesn’t the bus suck" or "Im upset" without elaborating (small talk). I can share frustrations and happines but not sadness. Most recently my Uncle died and I was distraught for weeks but I couldn't tell anyone cause I had no close enough friends. Instead I just told people nothing (exept for "bad" on how are you questions) and then containing it all was really hard on my own.
Do you have a favorite rock? If not, are there any you really like at the moment? :3
@@BiancamellaSays I have a lot of favourite rocks and I love fossils which aren't a rock category. It's hard to choose a favourite but I'd say agate cause of how diverse it is and cause it can have fossils in. I also love petrified wood especially the stuff with agate banding, also opals because they have very cool physics in their structure and each forms with a completely unique structure. I like igneous rocks where you can almost see the flow of the lava and the airbubles in it and also I like the structure of andalusite a lot and how they grow in rocks like stems looking almost organic. My favourite rock is one that I have, which is a fosalised oyster shell that is a very stricking white rock in gray rock matrix and has been smoothed out by the ocean. It's fun to touch and stare at. In general I think I love fossils for the stories they tell even if they aren't high quality (sea shell isn't cause it's been smoothed out) also I love the rocks I find by myself. Some other rocks I have is a piece of sandstone peteified wood with the colour of wood, botreoidal agate from Italy and a crinoid shaped like a crab claw which was my 1st ever fossil cause of how much it's shape stood out. Thanks for the question.
Dang that sucks ☹️ But you seem like a pretty cool person overall though. I'm curious, what makes you feel the need to present as "strong and helpful" to others?
in my opinion, galena is pretty cool
@@HopeRock425 That's so cool, thank you for sharing!! it's honestly wonderful to hear passionate people speak about what they love, and your love is totally apparent in the way you talk about the rocks (and similar!) you adore. And you're so right about fossils! I'm an artist and what you said reminds me how one of the reasons I love photography is the opportunity to go on adventures and discover scenes and stories that potentially nobody has ever seen before-- at least not the way I see it, and then I can share it with people. I love to photograph the world from perspectives many people may not think of. I haven't dabbled as much as when I was younger, I'm primarily a digital artist, but I appreciate creativity wherever it can be found. 💛
I'm a young woman that was raised in a very traditionally masculine way especially by my father, he was verbally and emotionally abusive and now I often associate men giving me affection with manipulation and I end up pulling away, thinking it's some sick way of them trying to get to me and hurt me. I'm now dating a super understanding and compassionate guy, and it still makes me feel very uneasy when he expresses his love towards me, but we communicate about it, and it helps him understand that it's not his fault, and that he is in fact "good enough" and for me it helps me accept unconditional love and not always associate love with expectation and manipulation. I don't think we're gonna be together forever but this is in fact a very intense learning experience and I'm grateful that it's happening
btw funny thing, I don't struggle with emotional availability in friendships, only in romantic relationships, I think in romance and the other person's "obsession" with you can often trigger the expectations for yourself you developed as a result of trauma. Anyways, good luck with healing for whoever sees this :)
The best thing is to just be up front and honest with this stuff. You're doing a great job. If he's opening up and being honest and vulnerable and you get scared or push him away, it won't go well.
I found this video super helpful! I am in the dating pool. And have also struggled with emotional unavailability myself as a woman. I think having a reversed video along side this one would be amazing! Like how do women communicate in a way that stiffles men? how do we learn to meet in the middle etc.
My spouse just told me I was emotionally unavailable to her on my way back from a Thanksgiving dinner (I’m in Canada) so this is pretty perfect timing. Full belly and an open mind!
Something important to recognize though is that just because someone says something doesn't mean it's true. People aren't reliable narrators of their own feelings. You can accept the statement, but recognize that it means that she's feeling like she's missing something, and she is projecting that to you. Maybe it IS something you're doing wrong, or maybe it's something unrelated.
The big thing to do is to listen to her, accept that her feeling is real, and keep that in mind going forward. The wrong thing to do is to try to bend over backwards to be emotionally vulnerable because she says she wants it. The problem with that is that women aren't used to men being emotionally vulnerable, it will feel weird to her, it might diminish you in her eyes. And if she is already unhappy about something, and is projecting that on to something that is a fault with you, this will just give her even more evidence that something's wrong with you, something's changed, and you're not going to be addressing the fundamental issue that she is missing.
Like, sometimes people can just be stressed from work, and they'll feel incapable of dealing with it at work, and then they will be looking for a kind of emotional punching bag. Then they come home and maybe use you to relieve their stress, and you're kind of unflappable. This may be something they rely on, but at the same time, it frustrates them, because they've still got this pent-up emotion that they're holding back at work. So they maybe blame you for your lack of emotional response.
So imagine in that circumstance you decide to be different, and she comes home from another rough day at work. She's about to start to pour out her work stresses to you, but before she has a chance, you start to try to be emotionally available, you start to talk about how you're feeling instead, all of the challenges that you've been keeping pent up yourself, all of your fears and anxieties, the frustrations, etc.
This will NOT make her feel better. In fact, she's going to feel overwhelmed, now YOU'RE falling apart too. She's not got a safe person to share with any more, she's going to get frustrated with you. This is going to make you feel angry and betrayed too, because here now you shared with her, and now she's going to be ignoring or belittling you, or minimizing it because she wants you to stop so she can unload her own stuff on you.
And the reality is the problem was never that you were emotionally unavailable in the first place. The problem was that she hasn't been able to manage her own emotional issues, and her only way of kind of continuing to handle that is to make it your fault.
In fact, I think sometimes it's better to just accept that. Own it, and say "Yeah, I guess I can be emotionally unavailable." and let her blow off her steam. Let her get mad at you for just accepting it, let her wear herself out. Then spend some time together, show her that you still care about her after she finishes freaking out (assuming she doesn't get too hurtful when she's doing it). Be that stable rock.
You can totally take steps to being emotionally available, but do it at your own pace. Do it for your own reasons. Gauge the reaction too. Don't do it because she tells you it's a problem you have. Also don't avoid it because she tells you it's a problem you have. Take that criticism, pay attention to it, think if you agree, and try a bit if it's reasonable.
Women especially SAY a lot of things that they don't always mean. We all do it, but I think women do more. They will say a problem is one thing because it's a socially safe thing to say, or because it deflects blame from themselves. So don't act directly on the words. Pay attention to the words, but notice everything around them. Women don't like men who do what they're told anyways, they like men who do what is right, and what benefits the family. I think this trips guys up all the time, because it never really works out when they try to do what women tell them to do, when they try to be what women tell them they want. What they're saying isn't irrelevant, but you generally need to look past the words. Don't argue. Don't tell her that she doesn't really want you to be more emotionally available. Maybe ask her how things made her feel, what bothered her, etc. Let her vent, validate her feelings, and if there are things you can fix, try and fix them, but don't tell her the fix right now. This isn't being more emotionally available really, but it could be what she wants.
Tank the damage bro, keep her talking!
@@KM-hk8tc props to you for keeping an open mind on improvement! best of luck
@@zeidrichthorene
This is a great reply all in all. I kind of disagree on accepting a feeling as real, it could be a fake tantrum in order to manipulate you, but if you really believe your partner capable of that, that's a different issue to solve.
However, why put up with all that shit? Like, why have to constantly look past the words, tip toe around issues, passively accept shit that triggers the "wtf this is dumb" part of your brain?
I feel like we're in a dystopia and we're advising people to "just go along with it, get your ration coupon and go home where it's safe" so Creedy's men don't get you.
@@zeidrichthorene these are terrible advices. If it works for you, great, but you should never enter a discussion with the intent to ignore your partner's feelings, or make it feel like you need to fix only her.
It's one thing to ask her why she feels that way and how they could improve, but a whole different thing to go "bro you don't say shit, just nod and pretend she's right, cause she won't like you if you show weakness."
Irony of this comment appearing in this video.
dr k shows how he should've talked about the engagement and i'm giggling, kicking my feet. it was genuinely so nice to hear
Coming from a household where emotions were never discussed, I am very lucky my girlfriend took a lot of time and effort to help me with emotional communication. It has been a difficult couple of years but I'm finally getting the hang of it and both of us learned so much from this process. It is not only enlightening for the dating scene, but being close to and sharing your emotions can be so important to a meaningful life.
23:20 Lady with an emotionally “unavailable” man. I smiled so hard when you were giving details of what you felt when you told your brother you were engaged. Superfluous and narcissistic. Love it. Exactly what I wanted to hear. 😂 I want to share this video with him, and he generally likes you, but it’s so hard to get him to share.
He’s “not my responsibility” when it comes to that stuff, but I love him and want to healthily be with him. So I’m happy to try at this point. 😅
When I saw that part, I was honestly really confused at how a person could even think up stuff like that to say. Because honestly, I think for a lot of guys, such things would not even cross our minds at all in the moment, after the fact, etc. It was like Dr K became a different person in that moment.
I wonder how a guy would sort of learn over time how to even ask such things of themselves in the first place. I think most guys wouldn't even understand what they were feeling, or if they were feeling anything at all by default in a moment (outside of very simple umbrella emotions). I think it can probably be learned how to become more emotionally aware, but to the level of Dr K's example? Wow, that's just at a very different level of emotional awareness.
@@null_valueI've been practicing stopping and identifying any emotions I'm feeling randomly through the day to better be aware of such things and it'll be a long time before I'm able to to immediately swap from a conversation and be able to recount all that stuff to someone else. Maybe after my end of day decompression and meditation I could get half that at this point lol.
@@null_value Honestly, I’m all about celebrating progress. And my man has made plenty. I think going from “no idea” to the comment you made is a huge step in that direction and shouldn’t be overlooked. ❤️
Also in your defense, you’ve had a lifetime of thinking and feeling the way you do. A half hour with Dr. K won’t change that quickly. It’ll take some more time with him, others, and yourself.
@@null_value When I saw that part, I felt like watching a RUclips video with a hundred ads, trying to skip every second word he said. If this is necessary for a relationship, then I will happily die as a single man. 😄
I agree. That part of the video hit weird for me. He was basically impersonating a woman. Surely there is some middle-ground?
"Tank the damage, you're not gonna do any DPS just absorb the damage with them" So easily understood when in these terms!
@@joshuablaz..
I think People mostly dont Like to be told what to do as they are neither how to feel. If you Came to me an Said: wow my best friend Just Cut ties and i answer: Well now you are sad, confused and disappointed- even If that is an emotional reflection of what May be Going on, you May feel that to be invasive and overbaring after having Made a Statement without even me trying to hear your own thoughts Out, involving you and reflecting together with you how that Makes you feel. This is also true of actions, many people dont Like having stuff ripped Out their Hands a la 'let me do it' - its reflective of a parental Response that is infantalising and overbaring even- it comes across as you dont Trust me finding solution with guidance rather then overpowering by Putting on top what ever you think is right. Thats authorian. It gives a Sense of Feeling supirior cause you think you got it all figured though your convo partner is literally a different Person and wants to do Things differently. It also sends the Signal that youre univested since you dont want to spend time for them to find their own solution by Processing Out loud with you.
Lastly Sometimes, especially with Emotions there is Not much to do about it. Doing sth can solve some stuff but it doesnt automatically solve the Emotion. I think that Might be Part of toxic male Action based culture that can backfire, since in Reverse as soon as you can Not make an Emotion Go away by Action it May mean you are incompetent as a man- this can Trigger a whole snowball effect of shame especially for mascs for a general human phenonomen such as Feeling.
Often especially with Femmes since they have been thaught that, they are also considering all participants Emotion in making a decision. That complexifies Things but also Makes them More realistic since Humans are Not Robots we're you throw an Input and they give the fitting Output. Learned emotional blindness can be helpful Sometimes to make an effective decision when it is needed, as of life or death emergencies but More often then Not, its too Limited to consider a broader range of effects.
From my experience men hurting each Others Feeling also just then end Up in them Just skipping, ignoring or starting to Distance themselves rather then looking for an emotional Exchange.
+
Bro is brilliant😂
Easily understood - but not by me.😅 Is that gamer speak? 🙃
ETA: Google is my pal. Thanks, guys!
One thing about "tanking the damage" that I think gets glossed over, is one's own emotional regulation, which is touched on earlier: basically, to write down your thoughts before expressing them. When a partner comes home frazzled after work and you ask them "How does that make you feel" it's a solicitation for unfiltered emotions to be expressed. In the context of having women feel more understood, this makes perfect sense; the video shows how having a conversation about emotions can result in stronger connections.
But what do you as the partner do, with those raw and unfiltered emotions you just tanked? Where does it go? He says, to write down our feelings so we process them before expressing them, so as to not inadvertently cause a sensation of disrespect in the other if strong emotions are expressed. But this isn't necessarily an outlet with similar catharsis as expressing unfiltered emotions, and is done mainly to avoid somehow losing someone's respect for having some emotional disregulation. But if we invite our partner's emotional disregulation so as to tank the damage and alleviate their frustrations and create a deeper bond, are we not also deserving to have ours tanked in return? Or do we redirect it, to friends, colleagues, or even therapy?
I would say ideally, they are regulated themselves as well, before sharing, so then there is emotion shared and tanked but manageable for both parties to actually also bond over a shared emotional expierence, because it wasn’t overwhelming for either one of them, if that makes sense… and also it goes both ways, not only one person being the tank and the other sharing
I don't think sharing emotions when you're dysregulated itself is the thing that makes people turn away (well if they don't want you to show Any sign of "weakness" then that's a different problem), but more if you're doing it unsolicited. It was a long and hard lesson for me (more anxious attachment) to learn to ask first if my partner had the health to tank my unfiltered emotions and also to not pressure him by showing him that he can say no and to not make venting/tanking the only source of our emotional intimacy. He would also be prone to shutting down if I would just dump unsolicited which isn't great for the emotional intimacy stuff. Also for him to learn that I Can tank for him and there's value for him in sharing his emotions.
I think it's important to have people that you can have that catharsis with, but it's important to regulate yourself too whether through journaling, therapy, stuff that Dr K talks about like mind-body activites, yoga etc. I found that when me and my partner are well-regulated (not taking too much damage and also healing when one needs to), then we are also more able to tank for each other (we both have more hp).
Yes, we are deserving of having ours tanked too! Sometimes it´s a matter of who is emotionaly well to recieve the damage or who´s turn it is to do it. Sometimes you are not gonna be okay to sit with them through that disconfort and that´s fine, as long as you communicate that gently and clearly, then it´s that persons job to find a healthy outlet on her own (friends, therapy, family, hobbies, pets, mindfullness, whatever works for them...) to emotionally regulate themselves. You are not a bad person for saying "sorry, I can´t support you today. I'm also not feeling well", you are just a human being communicating your boundaries and that´s cool! That´s what you are supposed to do in a healthy relationship (romantic or friendship) and the other part is supposed to understand.
@@lanarodrigues1974From my personal experience, whenever the few times my partner respectfully told me that they're sorry they can't support me and be present with me emotionally when I feel extremely disregulated, it did led me to level up my own responsibility to regulate my own emotions and improve my own self love no matter the difficulty, but there's a lil catch. This caused me to become emotionally detached from my partner because I became a lot more self-dependent about my own emotions, like I have become my own romantic partner who's there for me during the hardest. And my actual partner sensed this and became guilty that they weren't good enough to be there for me when I needed them the most. But I still love my partner tho, so no worries.
27:41 I think the monumental work itself of achieving an “acceptable level” of emotional regulation is, for a lot of us who have been firmly conditioned by life (and eventually also by ourselves) against having it, perhaps continuously and from such an early age and to such a brutal emotional and psychological intensity that even now we can’t fully grasp or understand how deeply negative, is clearly so pivotal for making everything else good happen, not just what’s described in this video but beyond it, that it almost simultaneously becomes the single greatest hopeful solution and the single greatest hopeless problem for it all.
Agreed
I think this video made me fully realize that I was socialized more like men, even though I'm a straight female, and I feel comfortable in my female body. I'm pretty sure it has something to do with how my parents raised me, because my sister is even more emotionally distant and want to "fix" things (she masks it by smiling and listening). I'm actually kind of resentful when I'm dating, because I often feel like guys I date expect me to do the work of being emotionally vulnerable, even when they don't do it themselves. Yet when they realize that I don't naturally communicate like 21:30, they friendzone or reject me (which is so hypocritical). My ex dumped with me because he said he can't connect with me, even though it was him who wasn't mentally present half of the time we were spending time together. Sometimes I feel like some straight men are subconsciously looking for female partners just to use as emotional crutches. It's exhausting because it's already hard enough for me to learn how to mask my natural communication style from my female peers so that I can fit in.
You don't have to fit in, be honest with your lifestyle
It's not hypocritical to want something out of a partner that you don't do yourself. That's a common driving force in attraction - we tend to be attracted to people who have or do things that we don't.
Bad men aren't behaving like it would suit you. Agreed if only most women loved me for who I am, wouldn't it be great, right
Yeah, it's a genuine issue. I think some (or even most) men don't realize they are unavailable and they want someone who is *too* emotionally available, to the point of crossing boundaries for it. Which creates a vicious cycle of resentment
as someone with a similar experience, thank you for sharing this
this was so relevant as a woman with avoidant attachment. combined with my GAD, I still really struggle in my longterm relationship even after overcoming obstacles like meeting family and going on trips- the next thing is always on the horizon. I question myself and my intentions a lot, and doubt myself. occasionally my partner, but usually myself. sometimes I even feel ashamed bringing it up over and over in therapy.
Anyway, what you said about discussing things on an emotional level was actually really helpful, for relationship but also for school. I paused to work on my artist statement for my midterm project critique tomorrow, I knew exactly what I needed to add to bring emotional depth to my description of my project and process.
I just don't know how vulnerable I'm supposed to be sometimes- in any context, with my partner, friends, therapist.. i get so fighty or flighty in even mild emotional contexts that I feel like the worst or most embarrassing person and like I deserve to live in a cave far away from everyone else. I feel like such a bad person for being so irritable even if I don't outwardly express it, just feeling it triggers thoughts of unworthiness and doubt. I feel like my therapist believes in me a lot and just makes me feel like the people who believe in me don't know me well enough or they would doubt me too.
Just curious, say you share something with a person, and you feel embarrassed about it and such. Does the person's reaction also align with the level of embarrassment you feel? I think that as I've gotten older, I kinda notice that like, most people kinda just don't really care. Something I would be super embarrassed about, other people can be pretty okay with, don't find it embarrassing, etc. Like what I perceive about the situation is far more magnified for myself, than how others perceive that same situation.
It's kinda like, I have a magnifying glass whenever I look at myself, but other people also have a magnifying glass too, but they never point it at others, they only ever point it at themselves. So they can also be preoccupied with their own internal worlds, rather than other people's worlds.
Like say I feel really embarrassed about something. Then I wonder, if I saw another person do that same thing, would I think it was a big deal / look down on them for it? Pretty much, the answer is always no. It doesn't make the feeling of embarrassment go away, lol, but I think it helps to mature a thicker skin each time it occurs and you see how, oh, I survived, that wasn't as bad as I thought it'd be.
It’s unfortunate because a lot of partners & friends even will still have this archaic mindset of “men should be brooding, quiet, and stoic where nothing ever bothers them and are always charming”. Which then means you’re only allowed to express the thoughts or emotions that they want you to express. It’s unfortunate that this is still a common mindset expected of men.
@LeeMan-g5j Walk into traffic
These types of men are often view as "exciting" and "sexy" because of the perceived difficulty of trying to win them over. I think there's a lot of women who've had poor male figures in their lives that often return to these types, or conversely, those who had overly emotional male figures. It's sort of self-reinforcing.
@LeeMan-g5jrage baits are really losing there talent, it seems every other 10 year old could do it, be subtle if your trying to make people mad no one believes someone who yells they are misogynistic and proud of it lol.
If I had a penny everytime I've seen that exact dynamic I wouldn't be leaving that comment right now
Yep! Crying because you just “love her so much” great, crying because you are struggling with things that don’t involve her “eww what does this have to do with me”.
My girlfriend of 4 years broke up with me today. She said she couldn’t see herself marrying me. It hurt, I’m the more emotional one of our relationship and we have struggled to communicate especially her over the past year or so. Wish me luck on moving on from such a heavy time period especially since we still live together and have the last few years and I have been extremely close to her family as well. Things have never been so confusing. Ty Dr. K as always
@Femtoisbackandbetter haha. Yeah maybe so. We just couldn’t wait to live together. 3 and half years later here I am. Went well for a while but i can only speculate
@Femtoisbackandbetter rule 1: never take advice from someone with Griffith pfp 💀
Please don't limit the love you give to your significant other because some guy on the internet tells you so. What he is describing can be emotional manipulation. Gatekeeping your love until you get married is no different from a woman gatekeeping physical intimacy. It can be valid if you're building trust and intimacy but using it as a "tactic" to get her attached to you is an incredibly sad way to look at relationships. Apparently she wasn't the right person for you, there's nothing wrong with you or with being emotional :)
@LeeMan-g5j sorry that you're living such a sad life. Hope you can reflect on that in time. Manipulating other people to reach your goals is generally accepted as immoral. You wouldn't want women manipulating you would you?
@LeeMan-g5j also using gay as a derogatory term is so 2010. Get with the times bro bro
When you've been burned, abused, betrayed, fired, silenced, and pushed aside, you understand a fellow cold hearted man.
Dude take your negativity back to some MGT0W tear pool.
Yep, I’ve been all of those things. I’m still married and in a positive relationship with an amazing woman for almost a decade. You’re going to have to give someone a chance unless you are happy with your hand as your life partner.
Edit: r/iamverybadass ahhhh comment.
@@ricolearns yes you can understand but that’s an issue that needs to be addressed and resolved.
@rico.learns women go through the same things but often worse and yet most don't become as cringe and maladjusted as you
@@croissantfromage7289 "Often worse" data please.
“I’m sorry, I was wrong.” If she’s capable of admitting these words, she’s at least “emotionally capable”. It’s a litmus test. If you’ve never heard and “I’m sorry” from her, JUMP SHIP!
omfg learning about communicating emotional salience just gave me the epiphany of 'so THATS what my mom is looking for when she asks me about my day!!!!!' me and my dad have always been confused and a lil frustrated cuz we feel like we're being asked to artificially generate details for conversation lol
i consider myself pretty decent with emotional intelligence, just kinda awkward socially, so thank you for this video!
I've started literally recounting what happened chronologically instead of summarizing it all into "it was okay" and the difference is huge.
Do You have genuinelly good rrlationship with Your mother? I've observed this behaviour in myself and many friends where common factor was lack of trust in parents - I love my mom and probably won't drop her at some point in life, but she usssed my issues as poisoned amo to hurt me more when we were in argument, many times.
This video is amazing. I believe this should go viral, it would change so many lives for young men and women. I have always been friends with women and didn't realize that some of the things in this video are the exact reason men have assumed/called me gay, I'm not super emotionally available but I hate emotionally bare conversation and will always push through these uncomfortable conversations instead of living with the emotion. The "holding emotional space" section is incredible and finally helps me understand why I have a hard time when people tell me emotional news (good or bad).
ive been through such hard times, talked to so many psychologists, and none of them ever really tried to understand me, you have helped me so much more than any doctor i had the past 2 years, thanks for helping me and explaining issues i have clearly so i can understand and work on them
I appreciate this topic so much, Dr. K. Your eloquent description and visual language to explain such a complex topic are commendable. Thank you.
This quote in particular stuck with me: "Emotional Dis-regulation leads to Dis-respect" 14:30
I wish my father had watched this before having kids. If your kid asks, "Did you enjoy the play, dad?" don't just say "Sure, it was great." If he'd been able to express how proud he was, explain his favourite part, etc, it would have meant so much to me. He might have felt that way, but I'll never know. As an adult, that man is a stranger to me.
In relationships, I try to find someone who won't be like that. But it is hard. I don't want someone to launch into a gushy speech about everything, but when it is important, sharing and explaining your topmost emotion should not be too much to ask. I have felt fatigued trying to figure out what my partner is feeling. Did I do something wrong? Did they have a bad day? Do they enjoy this activity or are they just going along with what I want? They could just tell me and make things so much easier. Verbalizing your emotions with actual language is a useful communication skillset, no matter the context.
Why didn't you ask your father what his favorite part was? Or if he cried at that scene? Or laughed?
What if he said, "I mean, it was fine for a kid's play. I was bored out of my mind and cringed at most dialogue delivery. I laughed when they queued someone to enter the scene but he didn't get it so they called a second time and though what a dumbass, but then you walked in and was slightly disappointed". Would it have been better?
@sinister3vil You are proposing parentification, a coping strategy where the kid levels up so high that the child can teach it's parents how to be a better parent.
It may deliver some results, maybe it has for you, but there's a bit trade off.
The child also learns to push away emotions of disappointment and fear, to solve and not fee, to not trust parents to be emotionally available or mature, to regulate own emotions by controlling others. This all tends to spill over into other relations. If you're an adult who's always trying to fix others, losing energy and yourself in the relation. You probably learned to be a parent your own parents.
@@maan100283
Sorry, how is asking "what was your favorite line" the same as teaching parents how to be parents and how will it lead to the child pushing away emotions etc?
@@sinister3vil If we'd had the kind of relationship where he frequently expressed himself, even a scathing review of the play would have been better than "Sure, it was great." Because you will imagine much worse "true feelings." (Imagine you spend hours cooking a meal for someone and they say "It's great" in a super monotonous and expressionless way, and nothing else. You assume they hate it).
Since you seem weirdly defensive about my father's behaviour, I'll say that he is actually a very kind and good person. But he could never express his feelings in the moment, and so I never felt like I had a father. I couldn't confide in him, because emotions made him uncomfortable. He wasn't a bad person, just lacking in basic communication skills. He moved overseas when I was a teenager and I would write him long, detailed emails about my life (since phone calls were also painfully awkward), and he would send back one line about how terrible the weather was where he was and that it was nice to hear from me. But that was it. No engagement with anything I said, no follow-up questions, no opinions. Eventually I stopped writing, and he never once re-initiated the conversation. Years later, we had dinner together (for the first time in 6+ years), and he offhandedly remarked that reading my emails was the highlight of his week back then. That he wished I had continued. I almost cried, because if he had just TOLD me that at the time, it would have meant so much to BOTH of us. He must have felt that I no longer wanted to write him emails, but a 14-year-old does not have the emotional maturity to confront their absent father and clarify the situation. We can never get those years back.
@@maan100283That's me.
The worst thing is to hear "I care about you, you matter, you mean the world to me, I love you as friends" and when you break down, wanting the pain to finally end, they are nowhere to be found, suddenly busy or unavailable every time you need them
Check in on your friends/partner every now and then without needing to be asked to do so (twice a week is already amazing), you have no idea how much that could mean to them
And if you dont know what to do when your friends/partner is hurting or emotionally distressed, whatever you do, be there for them, as the worst thing you can do is not being there, make sure they see youre there (if its just text), sometimes thats all you need to do, but if it isnt enough, do something that'll cheer them up (physical affection aka hugging, going to get a certain comfort food, watching a show that the person feels comforting, or whatever else it could be and you can just ask them what usually comforts them and do that)
I hope that this will help at least one person to be more there for their friends/partners (or maybe you tell a friend/partner that and it helpd them to be more there for you), nobody should ever be completely alone when they want to leave the world behind..
Or better, never feel the need to leave the world
Lovely comment
My wife and I experienced a horrible tragedy this year, and it was wild how fast you figured you who could really be there for us. Some people were so loving and caring, other people were simply showing up out of obligation, and clearly emotionally unavailable.
The moment it becomes your partner's responsibility to teach you how to buy groceries, open up emotionally, clean, cook etc. the love dies.
I'm talking about relationships where there is a clear "teacher" and "student".
At that point you're no longer partners. The relationship starts to feel parental.
If you take turns teaching one another various skills, that's a different story.
Eh, i both do and dont disagree. I love teaching and understand some people just get screwed by life and dont know where to get started, but i have ZERO patience now for people who cant do even a basic google search on "how to clean an apartment" or "easy recipes" or other absolutely bare minimum adult skills.
I have kind of a unique perspective though, as I'm disabled and i don't have as many ways to contribute to a relationship on an equal basis so teaching an eager student who is awesome in many other ways makes me feel like i truly bring value to the relationship.
I get to live out my dream of being Yoda, and he gets to live out his dream of being Luke. 😂
@LeeMan-g5j wdym by "the holes"?
@LeeMan-g5j you'll never be superior with that mindset hun
This is why I’m divorced twice. This literally was both of my marriages. (I was in the teacher role both times, as in very common for women in heterosexual relationships). I’ve noticed dating women is so different as they don’t put me in the teacher role, but every man I’ve been with has.
Disagree. People teach each other constantly in a good relationship. You should be able to listen and learn from each other. That's how you become a partnership.
Dudes: if your female partner loses respect for you because you emotionally broke down in front of her, that is because SHE lacks emotional maturity. Everyone has the right to be accepted for the full range of their emotions, especially by their partner.
100%.
that's unfortunately like 90% of all women. yes it is unfair towards men but do not ever make the mistake of showing emotional weakness to them
While I agree that a partner should accept your full range of emotions, it's possible that the way you express it can be unhealthy. I've known plenty of women who needs to control themselves better as well during an outburst.
Similarly, there's also a toxic way to receive emotional vulnerability. People can be too enabling of a toxic behaviour, but that's a totally different discussion.
@@teranyan Who hurt you?
Every woman he's dated and probably some family members, would be my guess. And now that you've belittled him for learning from experience, what is supposed to happen? Do you think insulting him is going to make him trust women more?
We're gonna get to the top 1% of men with this one 🗣️
"But no one will bother to teach you." As a female viewer with avoidant pd, this statement hit pretty hard. Even the diagnosis felt lacking and not helpful, like just more token attention. So I'll be taking notes on this one, thank you. ❤️
Yeah I have the opposite problem: everyone in my life is emotionally unavailable. Well, except for the one person. She's the only person who genuinely cares about me anymore.
You know Dr K for the first time in my life ive been cheated on. They claimed they still loved me and cared for me, however i could tell that just wasnt true. This is still fresh and yet ive taken the responsibility to move on and regain my composure and give myself time to heal emotionally. Wish me the best of luck thank you.
I’m proud of you for moving on! Keep going
Wow. This approach really works. Tanking the damage when she’s sharing how she feels. Sharing how I feel, emotionally, more. Not worrying about it being too narcissistic. Been in a relationship of 6 yrs (was fine to begin with) and communication is noticeably better after just a few iterations of changing my perspective. Thanks and hope others can learn from this video too
Emotionally-unavailable --> "You never tell me anything, I wanna know how you feel"
Opens up emotionally, without being overboard or extreme --> "You're such a downer, why aren't you more positive"
Okay I'll just be sure to share my emotions when I'm perfectly happy and nothing is wrong in my life
Did you even watch the video bro he literally addressed this at 14:00.
@@aawillmaIn a nutshell, if a man wants to share his emotions, then he must structure his emotions orderly; otherwise, he breaks down and then gets disrespected.
@@SteveInLava Yeah, that's the case for everyone. Welcome to life.
@@juanfromdennys I acknowledge that.
None of the modern meta words and phrases make any sense in a concrete way. Words like emotionally unavailable, confidence, just be yourself, be vulnerable make zero sense to me.
I consider this type of thinking to be problematic in that it doesn't accurately address things.
And so whenever someone tries to apply the reasoning, such that they are going to be emotionally available, be confident, be vulnerable, be themselves, etc they get poor results because none of these concepts have a rock solid empirical foundation. This is why people like the OP resonate here. I also know for an absolute fact that I will not get good results from applying abstract concepts that are subject to wide latitudes of interpretation and that also have zero empirical foundation, so I simply have no interest in applying these ideas in any way. People really should divest their thinking of these modern cliches, I think it would do them a world of good.
Realised I used to be upfront with how I was feeling and changed with my ex. Anytime I shared, it created drama. Rarely emotional about it e.g. once I said I'd like to move to Texas in the future, she had a complete breakdown. You can imagine sharing personal thoughts. I agree you should communicate and need to but hard today when anything she feels makes her sad just leads to drama, resentment and ultimately a broken relationship.
That's how we all get closed off. Our emotions weren't allowed usually by caregivers
And since some people, like me, need very simple instructions when tending to overthink, "Tank the damage" is the perfect thing to recall for such situations. Keep up the very valuable work!
This was super helpful. I've actually had to go through life with a "guy" brain because my father was the only one who raised me, so I'm a "problem solver" and I don't know what it means to hold space emotionally, even towards myself. I can self regulate, but it's from the problem solver perspective so this will probably help me not just in my interpersonal relationship but with my own journey as well. Thanks Dr. K! ❤️❤️❤️
I find it so funny when HGGG accurately breaks down something relatable yet inarticulable.
INTERESTING
Men sometimes mainly being: The gatekeepers of emotional intimacy
I've never thought of it that way before, I didn't shy away from meeting a girls parents, but I did vice versa
I think I like that balance perspective it offers
I was also emotionally unavailable as a lady and I'm trying to improve.
1. Understand your emotions.
2. Plan how to share emotion out. Don't share 100%, just share a FAIR amount (I think it's based on the bonding level 20% or 50%...)
3. Share your emotions. How to share it? Add more "how you feel" when telling some story. What you feel before 1 event, what you feel after 1 event, what you're expecting...
4. Handle others' emotions. Sometimes, people just want to share emotions, no need the solution. We just need to "tank" the dmg.
Understand => Plan => Execute => Control.
whenever i read a book or see a self help video, i think its really useful when you actually implement it your life and for that, summarising them helps me to remember them
so heres the summary i made for myself to refer back to
understand the associations we attached to certain things like marriage and discuss them
emotional disregulation leads to disrespect, so articulate emotions well, think it thru and dont go from 0 to 100
have emotionally salient conversations, as in talk about how you feel about any event when discussing it, as in not just relaying the practical part of the info but also what you think about it, basically if you are a guy (not necessarily but generally applicable) include things that might seem superfluous or extraneous to you
holding emotional space for others negative feelings, basically you dont have to try to fix anything, just listen and tank the damage, both are gonna feel uncomfortable but you are absorbing the negative energy and that helps
Ok I see what you're saying. Couple points. Are we afraid of our ability to emotionally communicate in a relationship/marriage? Or are we afraid that our partner cannot emotionally communicate? Hence the ball and chain metaphor. It feels like we're getting tethered to someone who is incapable of said communication. Which makes us feel small, ignored and destroys our confidence with the future.
Also, when you went on how emotionally communicating might look like when you were talking to your brother. I was like WHOA! Then I was like whoa. Then I was like w-h-o-a.
Okay now do one around how to establish boundaries. This video does a very good job of explaining how to be emotionally available, but does little to address how to stand up for yourself when someone uses that against you. What's a healthy way to determine when you need to set and enforce boundaries, because many people are putting up with shitty partners because they're afraid of being alone. If a girl cries on my shoulder ten times she's being normal not disregulated, but if I get teary once, I'm disregulated and unnatractive. Addressing double standards, or peoples belief that there are double standards, is key to this conversation.
^^^ i was hoping he’d mention boundaries and how this can also be used to manipulate others in relationships. There’s balance in everything
+
lol. he already did a video on boundaries. go watch it.
Videos like these helped me how to act in various ways and what to do in different situations. Years of watching this type of content have made me realize how easy people are to please and how easily you can make them like you, and that's certainly assisted me in making friends and acquaintances from work.
I'd say that I'm rather well liked at my job. My co-workers greet me with a smile on their face and we go out for drinks about once a month.
My partner is all smiles and very happy, clearly content with her life and having me as a fiancé. We rarely fight, but it's mostly about trivial stuff and we make up in only a couple hours.
My father and mother, who have always had arguments from when I was in elementary school through high school, are very proud of me.
I admit, I was kind of withdrawn from everyone and never really tried to talk with anyone growing up. I figured I'd leave a comment to show that I am grateful for these types of videos.
Everyone likes me, my partner, my co-workers, my friends, my parents, everyone. People are just so easy and I find that very fascinating.
The issue is Dr.K needs to make a video on this from the women's side as well. Cause for those of us that can share emotionally, it really isn't worth "tanking it" when the women get to be bat shit insane grilling you due to emotional anxiety they haven't worked through. As someone that is older, I think the biggest thing that is missing these days is just enjoying your time with that person during your first couple of dates. Everyone is in a rush to figure everything out about you, but the issue is, I can't possibly know the context of your life in that short amount of time, good or bad.
@@St34mPunkPrivateer One of the problems is that women don't "get to" be this way without a majority of men in relationships with them allowing it. It's one of things that is a fair boundary to draw but if you don't draw it early on enough you end up passively consenting to that pattern of behavior.
This happened in my own relationship. I can tank so much emotional damage that I accidentally was training my wife to be a stronger and stronger battering ram. The fix was mainly her getting therapy to not do that in the first place but I also had to draw the boundary around her not using me as that emotional punching bag, even though I could take it. I had to draw that boundary for the sake of the PRINCIPLE of the matter, which was really hard to do!
@@aawillma you don’t get it
So true, I've had dates where the woman just dumps her long term issues right in front of me very nonchalantly. As if to serve as an advance warning of what I need to validate, before I even get to know the person!
You have to take or leave women as they are. Nobody is going to fix women for you.
Dr K - this has been one of the most important messages for me as a woman to understand when interacting with males. I had a very male centric family dynamic growing up: brothers, father, uncles etc - even my mother, (who is a loving, lovely parent) truly felt men should be revered above females. My parents marriage lasted because they had traditional roles - Dad worked, Mum stayed home to raise us 5 kids & run the home. Consequently I honestly thought men had no ability to feel emotions to the depth that women do. Men to me were emotional islands. I married a man who our marriage therapist called a 'covert' person with emotions - everything was hidden. I was described as 'overt' with emotions - my emotions were so transparent they could be read like wall paper. So despite counselling the marriage did not last. Many years later I have the fortune of meeting the most transparent, honest emotionally available man I have ever met in my life. It's like a breath of fresh air. I never knew relationships could be this easy, so inspiring.
💜💜💜❤❤❤
Can relate to this on some levels. I have to add that this can apply to anyone regardless of gender and sexuality. I think it is moreso to do with the environment you grew up in, where your parents or caregivers are more emotionally distant/conservative. I'm only just beginning to learn about the depth of my emotions and I'm already in my mid thirties. Really feels like this should be a subject in schools
A lot of this tracks with my experience, yet there's a piece of the puzzle missing that I think warrants examination.
A lot of people practice a definition of "emotional availability" that requires you to be present and supportive through _their_ dysregulation. Yet when you, as a mere human, become dysregulated yourself... there is little to no tolerance, compassion, or forgiveness for your "failure" to remain composed.
In my personal experience, what makes this double standard worse is when they don't take your emotional communication seriously _until_ you also become dysregulated (because this is the language they find clear and relatable). This leaves you in an unwinnable situation where there is no _effective_ way to communicate your feelings because moderate expressions are dismissed and extreme expressions are condemned without examination.
I'm cool with tanking damage for the party, but _somebody_ needs to play support for the tank or he's going down hard.
That somebody is God. He's the only support you're getting, so don't leave it on the table.
@@SussyBaka-nx4ge God's a support character running around playing DPS. He's way too busy starving children to cast any healing spells.
so you expect dysregulated people to somehow be able to regulate you? to be understanding when they cant even understand themselfes? thats a tall order maybe you should check yourself first. you focus on you, you regulate yourself, you fullfill your needs, if you cant be alone with yourself then you know.
Yep, going through that now and it's HARD.
@@d4rkh4l34 or maybe disregulated people could have an idea of how disregulated they are, and have some compassion and empathy, even the tiniest bit, to see that no one can tank the damage all the time. And it's not like they're completely disregulated, society already deals with the extreme cases judiciously. Maybe they should also know to regulate themselves, too.
Absolutely brilliant video--this information is gold! One thing I would add though is that sometimes when those who lean more avoidant in their attachment style "share their feelings" and then get broken up with, it's because what they are sharing is actually the flaw-finding that runs through their minds as a way of avoiding actual emotional vulnerability. I'm not saying they realize that this is a subconscious strategy to avoid vulnerability. They believe that they are sharing their feelings, but don't realize that what they think they are feeling is actually a mask for something else. And of course, you can't blame the partners for getting upset when they ask the avoidant they're seeing to "share their feelings", and what the avoidant shares is just a whole load of harsh criticism and/or unfavorable comparisons to someone else. Just thought it was important to mention that sometimes when "sharing feelings" doesn't go so well, that's the real reason why.
lmao that's the most transparent self-defense mechanism I've ever seen. "When people criticise me, it's actually because they're running away from their emotions".
@@yurisei6732 look into avoidant attachment styles and how they function . You will see that "flaw finding" as a way of avoiding emotional vulnerability is a textbook trait of people with an avoidant attachment style.
@@lauraschleifer4721 Attachment styles are literally nonsense lol. They were completely made up, same as the Myers-Briggs and astrology. Look it up.
Thank you for sharing, this is very useful
This comment is an example of the reason why some PEOPLE are “avoidant”. What’s the point of sharing feelings with the one person, if they’re just gonna decide what the other persons “real feelings/intentions” are for themselves. And coincidentally they’ve decided the other persons feelings always seems to be disingenuous or foolishly“doing feelings wrong” and they know how the other person feels better than they do.
And in regard to the example -what if person 2 who was sharing feelings with person 1 about how they made them feel in regard to their emotional vulnerability was the truth. And not just “””a mask”””.What if person 1 also really just can’t take criticisms at all. Like yeah people sometimes misuse criticism and that obviously bad, however to automatically blow off their concerns as some ruse is alittle odd.
I always find something new about myself when watching these videos, I've always had a lack of understanding everything and even knowing about said things since I was alone for most my childhood and willingly secluded myself during middle school to the end of highschool
I'm sure I'm going to regret posting this without finishing the video, but @22:00 - 23:00 was pure torture.
Agreed. I'm never going to be this kind of person. I wouldn't say I'm emotionally unavailable, but this kind of talk just isn't me.
I felt my testosterone levels dropping from the female way of talking that was, geez..
@@AverageDoomer69 You appear to have no deficit.
man that "narcissistic" talk to help open up is actually really useful, nice video
I was pretty emotionally available with my ex, who would mostly blame shift and on a few occasions would get aggressive when I tried to express feelings and concerns. She rarely took accountability for her actions that were hurtful. I eventually stopped expressing myself because it lead to pain and confusion, and then she told me I was avoidant. I eventually realised I was having to suffocate myself for her to be “happy” so I left, as I was only adding to the dysfunctional cycle by staying.
If she thought I was being closed off, she’d tell me to open my heart; when I opened my heart, she’d dismiss and invalidate my feelings. Most confusing shit I’ve ever experienced.
I'm only 2 minutes in, and I can already picture those memories of when I clearly made a mistake in being not emotionally available... so I'll most probably need this. Thank you.
The problem is, when you are emotionally available and the others aren't.
yeah i always hear from dr k how to better myself while everyone else just keeps being toxic
Legit the reason i clicked on the video was because of the thumbnail, pretty much describes my relationshonship
Shouldn't stop u though. @@johnElden8760
many such cases
@@johnElden8760 exactly. Kinda tired of it tbh
I appreciate the depth, nuance, information, motivation/positivity, self improvement stuff, etc. But at some point the advice needs to start spreading out to other population segments.
As a woman, this was so helpful! Thank you and God bless you, Dr. K! ❤
"Can you be more emotionally available?"
"I'm saving myself for marriage"
Dang, if only I had the opportunity to use this😂
I am reminded of a quote:
"For every one pupil who needs to be guarded against a weak excess of sensibility there are three who need to be awakened from the slumber of cold vulgarity. The task of the modern educator is not to cut down jungles but to irrigate deserts." - C.S. Lewis
26:00 the example here is exactly what I wish I could convey a while a go, didn't know how to put into words, thanks
Thank you!
This was helpful for me who has a avoidant attachment style, with an incredible woman who I’m lucky to have as my partner. I know how to hold space and find it hard to know what to say when I’m faced with an emotional challenging situation I end up giving advice in a way where I reflect on my own experience and actions and share my emotions -after I have dealt with my needs I feel comfortable sharing. But I still am not sure if I can find the right words to express that it scares me to share since, I grew up with fixing my parents overwhelming emotional needs and fear to worry them/burden them with my negative thoughts/feelings. As a woman who grew up in an an abusive environment I wish to learn how to be more supportive and emotionally available for my partner.
I’m thankful your channel exists, this taught me some valuable lessons!
Bro this is literally incredible. This is one of the things I have been fighting with tonight and I decide to pull up your channel again and you have this just waiting for me. Thank you for the wisdom ❤
Re your example of the engagement: You're right that dudes usually communicate in that way but that's FINE. I disagree with the line of thinking in some circles (such as this) that are saying men have to change the communication style that is natural to them to one more similar to females. No, our differences are what make us compliment each other.
Dr K out here being a literal Godsend to the men out there ❤ like honestly the hidden nuggets of gold being told
I'm a woman, but I've been living in abuse my whole life. So it's hard to know how much to share, without shutting down like I had been, or opening the flood gates and annoying people. Dr. K's suggestion of show 25% emotion is really helpful.
I can't relate to the idea of emotional availability the way it's being defined or expected. I often feel pressured to change how I express myself, as though who I am isn't enough. I'm being pushed to say things I don't believe, just to "meet halfway."
I'm successful in life, but I've hit this roadblock where people tell me I have a problem because I don't express emotions the way they expect. In my experience, this is more about others projecting abstract problems onto me, rather than any real issue I have. When asked how I feel about something, my honest response is often: "I don't know. Was I supposed to feel something?" And why isn’t that okay?
I'm not suppressing anything. I just don’t dwell on emotions. I’ve cried openly, like when I came clean about my past drug issues. I processed it, moved on, and turned my life around. Yet when people ask me how I "felt" about it, my answer is still: “I told them, I cried, and I moved on.” Isn't that enough?
I empathize with others, and I get that many people need to talk through their emotions. But I don’t need that for myself. I process emotions internally and move forward. It doesn't mean I’m detached or repressed.
Now about this scenario with the brothers. I understand the example being presented: one brother calls the other to announce his wedding, and it goes something like this: "Congrats, bro! Want me to organize your bachelor party?" The brother agrees, and that’s the end of it. That’s just how men often talk-straightforward and to the point.
But when the guy relays this to his fiancée, she gets confused because she expected something more emotionally expressive. In her view, it’s lacking depth because no emotions were "processed." But that’s not how men typically relate to one another, and I don’t see why that’s a problem.
Then there's the proposed alternative: the brother expresses nervousness about how his sibling might react to the engagement, asking, "Do you like her? Were you nervous?" and all that. Here’s the thing: I’d never have that conversation because I don’t feel that way. If I’m nervous to tell my own brother I’m getting married, that suggests I’m the one with doubts about the marriage-not him.
Why isn’t it enough to say, “Congrats! Let’s plan a bachelor party”? Why is it wrong to communicate in a direct and efficient way that doesn’t drag out unnecessary emotional fluff? I'm tired of being told I need to be more emotionally available when, honestly, this just isn't how I process emotions.
This is a common theme in my life: being told I don’t express enough emotion when, in reality, I feel everything-I just don't dwell on it. Why is that not okay?
And here’s the kicker: the obvious answer people throw at me is, "Well, women need it." Okay, but why is it entirely my problem? Why is it on me to change the way I communicate when it feels disingenuous? What exactly are people going to do with my so-called emotional availability? If I’m already an open book, willing to talk about anything, why isn’t that enough?
The fact is, this expectation isn't about health or self-awareness-it's about fitting into someone else's emotional mold. So if the end result is that I stay single because I'm not "emotionally available" in the way women want, then fine. I’ve accepted that. I’m at peace with the idea of staying single rather than constantly struggling with these arbitrary, abstract demands.
Because when things really fall apart, it’s not the “emotionally available” guys people run to. It’s men like me, who are stable, reliable, and don’t need to perform emotional theater to prove it. And in the end, isn't that what matters most?
Its not really “how men express themselves”, its how most of them were thaught to. Its okay to talk just straight to the point, but thats not what emotional intimacy is. To feel close to others and understand them, we need to have access to their inner world and emotions. I am avoidant so i actually prefer emotionally unavailable people, but thats just because it feels familiar. I’ve learned this in therapy and i am trying to learn to open up and be vulnerable so i can have meaningful connections, although its hard and uncomftable. i feel lonely and not really connected to people and now i learned that this is why. I’d argue every human needs emotional intimacy, because relationships are what makes life worthwhile - if thats not you, there’s certainly enough emotionally unavailable women out there who you could communicate with in a straight up way. I dont think that theres anything wrong with that, i just know what doctor K. says to be true through my own therapy and research on anything related to relationships and mental health, which always circles back to emotional intelligence. What i’m trying to say is - and i might be projecting - i do feel you and i would love nothing more than just be straight up with people and have simple relationships - but i wish for you to consider this perspective that he’s offering
I am an afab person ("female") watching your videos and when you were showing your conversation with your brother as how you would portray it to your partner for more emotional intimacy I felt much more interested in you haha. It works! To me you looked more emotionally open, approachable, and easy to talk to and connect with. Great video. I want to show it to all men I know.
"Maturity", "Emotional Availability", and related terms easily become buzzwords to assign blame onto me for anything I do. I am expected to be eternally patient and understanding, only showing acceptable sides of myself in accepted manners that the other can parse. The pressure is on me to communicate clearly in a way that comes off as genuine without drawing the actions of my partner into question. Any mistake I make is due to a personal deficiency that must be corrected. Any mistake she makes is not allowed to affect me in any meaningful fashion.
The result is something like a game, in which the only way to win is by saying the right thing at the right time while convincing the other that this is genuine and completely true to who I am.
Meeting the parents is a major commitment and a huge step forward in the relationship.
So many implications.
Right, got my checklist.
* Have monk-like awareness and control of my own emotions
* Engage in conversation as women do despite how uncomfortable and unnatural it feels
* Help manage her emotions
* Be emotionally available on a level she wants, no matter what I want (despite being shamed over and over for not being stoic)
* Suppress my natural male instincts for problem-solving so she feels better
Easy.
First one you should really work on tho
nk, this video is literally "throw everything you want to the side and give in completely".
its almost like you have to put effort into a relationship ❓❓❓it really isnt as hard as you are hyperbolizing it to be if you have an open mind
@@JuliusC-yg4zf Way ahead of you, I was just planning my flight to Tibet once I'm done with my tens of thousands of dollars worth of therapy to remold my being into one more pleasing to the female psyche.
😂👌🏻 Her emotions. What about your emotions. Oh wait right.... You don't have any.
It's so endearing and funny how Dr. K lovingly reenacts his wife's excitement at hearing he told his brother about the engagement. And then her confusion when the reaction was a simple 'congrats, bro" xD
What a great video. I feel like I needed this. I really enjoyed the example he gave for emotional salience - it wouldn't have even occured to me to recount my conversations/experiences to someone like that (as in, with that amount of emotional detail) and it's like discovering a new path of action lmao. Seems kinda weird, after all it's not like there aren't countless examples of that behaviour out there for us to see everyday, but somehow it never clicked in my brain to see that as an option. Learned sth new today. Thanks, Dr. K :)
Dr K I have waited for this like warm doughnuts
thankyou, cant say Ive been a great example of emotional availability to my own partners, but even I recognise it and make my efforts to learn, to be vulnerable and open and listen where I can; but it has been so incredibly hard to try and 'teach' partners who dont even want to learn. I hope this video can help those who do want to learn... sometimes its just the difference between someone who acknowledges they need to learn and someone who chooses to ignore it and not even try.
I disagree with your claim that it is a general man vs woman divide where the female side wants mutual emotional conmection and the male side avoids it.
Becuase my life experience taught me the opposite. In my relationships with girls (I had no girlfriends before but many close female friends) it always happened one-sidedly. They always expected me to listen to their emotional crap and empathize with them, while I suffered alone silently. In fact, when I tried to share my emotions, griefs and insecurities with them I was always met with intense negative reaction. “Aren’t you a man? I don’t wanna hear all this crap, I don’t wanna be your emotional dumpster!” Yeah, but I am fine with being your emotional dumpster, couldn’t I ask you do what I already do? No, seriously, I wholeheartedly agree with Dr. K., this is the healthy thing to do imo. In my perspective the “beneficial relationship” is one in which both sides help carry each others’ emotional baggage. You know, you draw emotional support from each other and become stronger against life as a team, that sort of crap. So it baffles me that the girls who are supposed to be better at emotions than us were the ones that strictlt wanted my emotions out. And no, I’m not talking about destructivr outbursts, I’m talking about healthy regular emotional bonding sessions, which include patching each others’ emotional wounds
I’m not saying this to counterract his claim, saying it is actually the girls who are incapable to do this. I just say that the ones I’ve met were the exact opposite of what the video described.
Men are socialized to not show weakness, women in other ways too though. Being the mother, caring, and keeping it together etc. Its just a generalization, because *typically* men are less emotional intelligent because of their upbringing. That doesnt mean AT ALL that women are emotionally intelligent though… its still individual. i can recommend heidi priebe on youtube, who talks about avoidant and anxious attachment style which are BOTH afraid of intimacy but often get named as avoidant being the mans side and anxious being the womens side that wants the men to open up and be emotional, even tho anxious ppl are unavailable too, just in a different way. So to me it just sounds like something an anxious person would come up with lol!
I hope you find someone thats emotionally on your level btw! Dont give up
@@Laura-jx7il Thanks I will check her channel. I saw her videos but didn’t watch any.
Ngl this stuff is relationship communication gold … I can already feel myself coming back to this to integrate it
Emotionally unavailable woman here representing ✌🏾
I love the gaming jargon, really drives the point home, thank you so much Dr K been struggling with this for as long as I can remember and your video gives practical advice on how to deal with the situation in way that facilitates sustainability, at least from an emotional stand point.
I work really hard with my therapist to be emotionally available and articulate how I am feeling. I am beginning to understand what she means by allowing myself to feel the emotions. I am known among friends to be emotionally available and attentive and a great listener. But I still am attracted to/ attract emotionally unavailable women. I feel like there's so much more work to be done but it would be easier if we could be vulnerable in a non-platonic setting
It looks like you’re working hard on yourself. I’m proud of you 😊
I was one of those women that like Mr. Darcy type men, but I’ve been going to therapy for several years now and what I’ve noticed is that I’m becoming attracted to men who are more extroverted than me, who like people and who care about children.
If you showed me a professor who loves his kids and genuinely cares about them beyond just his classroom duty I’d be like “damn, I want him”. I love intelligent, caring, domestic men, they’re so attractive.
I’m a fairly good communicator and I am a very caring person who’s not afraid to show her emotions, but I’m more technical than domestic. I’d love a relationship where my husband takes care of cooking (my adhd hates this process) and housekeeping and I take care of our car, electricity, sewing and other technical things.
What I wanted to say is that I’m proud of you, it’s amazing that you recognise that you’re still vulnerable and therefore can attract predators, so please be careful, and that women need time to grow into themselves, just as men need to grow into themselves.
Stay strong! 🎉
is this an appropriate setting to hit on you? lmao
@@unfortunatelyiamsane haha I'm flattered. I'm just not fond of LD
@@Josh-Yu wait should i know what LD is hahah
@@unfortunatelyiamsane long distance haha
Man I wish I heard these things before. Going from emotionally unavailable too intense I thought people couldn't handle my emotions. But the ideas of emotional reciprocity and regulation and processing are really a game changer.
The issue would then be how to deflate your own emotional stress after absorbing that of the other person. Part of the issue would also be that you need to have the capacity to absorb any additional stress. Many people are already operating at maximum stress capacity so absorbing even more stress could be not just detrimental, but lead to a complete breakdown.
Often times we also cannot choose to delay the exchange, because it is demanded by others and delay would lead to further conflict, additional stress and higher stress transfer when it actually happens.
Basically it's like asking someone to tank damage beyond their remaining HP and sustain rate. To avoid such a scenario you would need to maintain a buffer for unexpected shit happening at all times like planning ahead for the dps pulling aggro (again...) or tanking more crits than expected. But sometimes too much shit happens and it ends in failure. That's just life being life and sometimes shit hits the fan and things break apart. Being human means that you can only do things up to a limit. Hitting that limit doesn't make you a bad. It just makes you human.
What dr k said to do regulatory practices to keep your own emotions from going into a breakdown (writing, meditation, etc). And also be able to verbalise ahead of time on boundaries which you know if the conversation goes in a certain way too long it will make you disregulated, which will not help both parties
For me, it's helpful to view that listening i do as extremely important and helpful, even if it doesnt solve the larger problem. A lot of that stress comes from feeling helpless in the face of someone's suffering and viewing things in this manner counteracts that.
I usually do not comment on RUclips videos, but I am very grateful to watching something so relevant explained from a theoretical point of view, but also practical. Love it! Thank you.
I just get really annoyed that other people pin their emotional ineptness & insecurities onto me. They feel a certain way, but instead of saying that they do, they say that *I* do. But I don't?! The amount of projection I get in life is just diabolical.
My upbringing in this regards shows a big gap between the desires and examples. There was a wish to allow me to be ok with my emotions and it was expressed on a regular basis, BUT... the actions i saw and the reactions i got were the complete opposite. This planted the idea in my head that "a man" is there to provide for his family, to stand up for what's right and was only allowed to express emotions in the anger range. A man isn't allowed to cry. A man shouldn't share his feelings and a man shouldn't not allow himself to feel joy in the face of beautiful things.
Dropping this right when I need it, I love you and your work sir.
Anyone else having the opposite problem of this? Everyone puts so much emphasis on emotional conversations, but logical conversations are incredibly useful and valuable when trying to fix the actual source of a problem.
I’m in a logical isolation.
One of my biggest fears in life is that I dont want to trick people into thinking I am someone that I actually am not. You telling me that women will only respect me if I present a curated version of my emotional self is just feeding into that fear. How can I possibly gain the respect of women by choosing what level of emotions to showcase while simultaneously respecting myself by being genuine in what I am feeling? Am I doomed to either lose one or the other?
Sounds like it. Notice how fucked up it would seem if instead of the job interview example, we just switched the genders. Do men lose respect for their wives or girlfriends if they have an emotional breakdown in front of them. What would we call men who admit they do?
Yeah, kinda fucked, isn't it?
It's simple. You just have to naturally be someone who is suitable to modern people's pathetically low level of tolerance. Y'know, the kind of person who wears a three piece suit around the house, or looks exactly the same without makeup.
People are absorbed in romantic fantasy, if you aren't comfortable pretending to be the knight in shining armour, you're pretty much out of luck.
@@oceansanta3995
Cold, but true. Vulnerability, real genuine vulnerability, is something reserved for your closest fiends and family.
Your girl gets the TL;DR, for your own good.
youre not presenting a curated version, you are making sure they aren't overwhelmed by your emotions... Just think about it in reverse, if your partner has a mental breakdown every time you speak about these heavy subjects, you probably wouldn't be able to deal with it for long. Especially when the underlying problems aren't adressed, as they very often are. You'd run sooner or later as well.
Dr. K wasn’t saying you should give a curated version of how you feel. He was promoting *emotional regulation.* Emotional regulation is calmly and coherently presenting the exact emotional information you feel, but without blowing up or losing composure like a toddler. The latter causes disrespect for both men *and* women, the former does not.
As a woman who never learned these skills and struggles to relate with other women because of it, this is very helpful. Never knew how to figure this out on my own. Thank you!
Its not even that i dont relate to other women but i come from a place where its emotional dumping, going in circles complaining and just giving practical advice too lol. I havent experienced women being THAT much more emotional intelligent than men either, there IS a certain aspect of being more reflective etc but thats it…
Societal threat is emotional availability. It can be used against you in the court of society. By blaming and shaming you
I was one of those women that like Mr. Darcy type men, but I’ve been going to therapy for several years now and what I’ve noticed is that I’m becoming attracted to men who are more extroverted than me, who like people and who care about children (and animals).
If you showed me a professor who loves his kids and genuinely cares about them beyond just his classroom duty I’d be like “damn, I want him”. I love intelligent, caring, domestic nerds, they’re so attractive.
I’m a fairly good communicator and I am a very caring person who’s not afraid to show her emotions, but I’m more technical than domestic. I’d love a relationship where my husband takes care of cooking (my adhd hates this process) and housekeeping and I take care of our car, electricity, sewing and other technical things.
Getting married is my deep wish but also a terrifying nightmare. I need to know in depth whom I’m about to marry. I need someone who shares my goals, who knows what he wants, who’s a good communicator, who’s open and who wants to grow alongside me as I grow too.
emotional intelligence is just emotional awareness, and being emotionally aware can either serve your interests or not. If you don’t know what you want as a man and you become emotionally aware, that can open you up to manipulation.
Being emotionally aware means that you’re aware of your own emotions too, though. If somebody doesn’t treat you well and you’re emotionally aware, you will realize that you don’t like their behavior before you even realize the why. Truly emotionally aware people who hold boundaries for themselves and others in order to respect themselves and others are very, very hard to manipulate.
Being emotionally unavailable has sabotaged many of my relationships in the past. I didn’t realise what I was doing until now, thank you Dr K!
It makes me proud that Ive grown enough to the point where I don’t need to watch these videos because I already have their advice in practice. But some of the people close to me aren’t there yet, so I like to watch Dr. K so I know what to say