Kalle-Aleksi Vainionpää No it’s not. Sure they may think small thoughts like “he’s better looking than me” but they probably stop themselves from fully comparing.
I'm surprised this video didn't touch on school bullying. Being bullied myself had such a huge impact on my self esteem and confidence into adulthood. It's a constant uphill struggle that never really goes away.
@rajat king I hear what your saying but there are many people who sale through life never getting bullied and rarily , if ever go through confrontation. I'm sure they've experienced less stress. It would be nice.
@rajat king You're only correct if the person in question fought back. What if he never did work up the courage to fight back against the bullies? And what if 20 years later he still feels like that same kid who was bullied back then? I believe that's something he has to work through in adulthood.
My low self-esteem stems from the fact that I feel like no one really likes me, nor cares about me. It's always me who has to make a conscious effort to get people to spend time with me. I'm usually polite, but people instantly judge me when I have a small outburst of anger or frustration, whereas others can somehow behave like jerks very often and get away with it.
I know that feel of depending on other's validation to determine self worth. It's vicious, I feel as if everything is one sided ; and though I don't make outbursts, I still think people have judged me to be not worthy of any sort of care or attention. I can't offer you anything, but I can say that solitude makes me feel a little better because at least then I wont have to worry about being "worthy" for anyone else. Being avoidant is probably bad in the long run though.
Sometimes when we want to be liked and accepted we present ourselves as how we think other people expect us to be. But actually this is a fake version of ourself and people can actually feel that it is fake and find it hard to engage with us seriously. Try to find your real self and be that person instead. Be as you are and don't change to please others. Only then will the people that matter appreciate you.
Love Yourself wonderfully put, throughout my teen years it felt like every interaction was an audition and i was never my true self, i didnt even know who my true self was and i dont really know now either , on my way to find out tho
I suffered a mental break down today at work. All due to extremly low self esteem.. This video sums it up My dad - a "from zero to hero" millionaire My friends - all achieving at least something Me - not able to do anything with my life except for rolling in agony of self hatred Starting group therapy this Friday. Hope it works
You'll always have your core being - what you love, what makes you loving, what makes you the purest form of you. Sometimes we forget our core and we think we are our thoughts. We are never our thoughts. Your core being is luminous and ever lasting and immovable, but sometimes our thoughts smother it and we forget about it. The good news is that these intrusive thoughts are irrational and don't mean a thing. Accept them, but don't connect with them. Let them flow over you like sound, unaffected. You're core is what gives you self esteem, so let it shine through the billows of irrational worry. You'll be okay. You're developing from this suffering every day.☺
I don't know if the audience noticed this, but Alain de Botton (one of the founder of The School of Life and the official voice of the channel) describes his case in minute 1:53. He decided to follow philosophy and humanities, instead of keeping the million business (Global Asset Management) of his father Gilbert de Botton. Maybe it was a difficult decision for him (emotionally more than financially) and MAYBE his father didn't approved that decision. Maybe that's why we see a lot of videos about the emotions, the meaning of success, status anxiety and the final purpose of rich people. Alain De Botton is projecting part of himself in condensed videos. He's sharing us part of his sufferings and his subjective life in form of knowledge (mainly philosophical and psychological). In terms of Schopenhauer, I would say he's a universal man (he understands the complexity of feelings and the condition of humankind). Thanks for your ambitious project, De Botton and The School of Life! Keep going!
This is quite an accurate observation The universal man attempts to further know, through Universality … Out of which all of our diverse experiences emerge to subsequently contribute toward knowledge, This I recognise that you are indeed aware of, as being noticeable in these broadcasted projections of an individual’s psyche made; relatable. Philosophy is a seeking that of course, not all of us are inclined toward the deeper processes available to us within it. However, in learning how to better engage with the universe, Both inside and outside of ourselves, With which ever boundaries remain will do so as the necessary frontiers under which wisdom is to be contained. I believe that the goal here is health, of our specific “human “organism just as much as it is of the entire ecology. Jeopardised by malpractice and confusion, interpret that as you will. Knowledge supports wisdom and wisdom is the primary faculty of progress
I get teary-eyed when he mentions that the only way to really change these things is to go in your own mind and reprogram your brain acknowledge your past and fix it. It just makes me credibly happy that we can do this to ourselves
If success to you is money, power, popularity, and adoration then you will never truly have lasting self worth. These things are fleeting and superficial, and placing your self worth in them is a setup for tragedy when they go away. True self worth lies in several things 1. Accurate self insight (the ability to know if you really are achieving the following things and not just pretending you are) 2. Empathy 3. Compassion 4. Willingness to listen (so you know what the people you care about want and need) 5. Humility 6. Courage to stand up to those that would hurt others (emotionally or psychologically mostly, but physically if possible) 7. Loyalty 8. Forgiving nature 9. Ability to admit when wrong and genuinely apologize for it If you are striving to achieve these things in earnest, keep it up! -Reputations are what people think you are. Dwelling on your reputation is simply ego and arrogance. True self worth based on the above criteria, evaluated internally cannot be taken from you
I read and agree with things similar to this all the time. Yet, It rings so true in your simple outline. Copying and pasting it for a friend now. thanks....
Gendo is kinda the best dad ever. Gendo: "'Sup, son? I want you to pilot this giant robot. And live with this smoking hot chick. And this one. Feisty redheads not your thing? Then check out this super submissive hottie. We order them in bulk." Shinji: "I HATE YOU, DAD!"
I don't give a shit about achievements, impressing people or possession. My problem is that I was severely abused as a kid. Not only did I get regular beatings but my parents never really gave me the emotional support or guidance. I also was shamed and punished a lot in school growing up by bully teachers (who the fuck bullies small kids?). All this snowballs and you grow up BECOMING the shame. You have a warped image of who you are. My whole adult life has been a struggle to try and reverse all the physical and emotional abuse. I also had shitty friends, who, I think I unconsciously gravitated towards because they were a lot like me. So, here I am at 36 and been alone my whole adult life. No family or friends. I do ok for myself, I got a biology degree, work at a nature preserve, have my own apartment etc. I did what I could to survive. But I don't really live or feel good about myself inside. It feels like there's this huge chunk missing in life. I have a lot of feelings of deep sadness, shame, loneliness and fear. But I just stuff it down to get through the day. I try extremely hard to live somewhat of a normal life but it is a constant battle. I know others from abusive backgrounds who become alcoholics, drug addicts, criminals, etc, or even kill themselves. I could easily do the same but I feel like I have a much higher pain threshold than some people. I had a best friend who had a similar life as me and he's an alcoholic and homeless now. I can't help him I have to watch my own ass. Thoughts of suicide come and go because of the frustration and loneliness. But I feel like i have suffered so much I deserve to feel good and have nice things one day. I already spent time on the streets and even in jail. I just don't understand people who have had the supportive family and still act like their lives are shitty. No matter how logical I feel, no matter what I obtain, etc, it doesn't change the pain from the abuse and shaming I have experienced and that is the hardest and most frustrating thing. I really don't know how I manage to live. If you an adult survivor of abuse you will understand.
The problem is that as humans we have a tendency to look at what others do. Too much emphasis is placed on what a person have done or accomplished and what society says is achievements. We should not be placed in the same categories as others, because we are all different. So the catechist is to be reflective towards loving and accepting ones self. Love yourself unconditionally. Its okay to be imperfect in this imperfect world. Stop looking for others to validate us. Only you can make yourself happy in this crazy world. Nurturing yourself is vital. Put yourself first before others, not in a selfish way, but in a nurturing way; improve positively upon yourself. Positive human beings reflect both positive energy and self esteem. Just my opinion.
ElusvOptmst1 I have the same opinion :) Living with noble values, respect, listening to yourself, your body and mind, your envies, your curiosity, what you like, what do you want to create, to see, to experience, for me this is my way to live with peace of mind.
you know what's weird is i don't, at least consciously, look at other people as a guide for how i should be, and yet still don't feel happy with myself. its more like i just assume based on my distant past or storylines i've imagined that i'm not cool or good enough, and therefore shouldn't bother. i don't like me, therefore others don't and won't, so i have to learn to like myself, and supposedly that'll bring people to me
"extreme self-consciousness" - as you put it - does not always mean you get an "overdeveloped superego". Quite the opposite can happen when you are extremely self-conscious. Instead of developing a (too) strong ego, oftentimes you talk yourself down. You know, make yourself smaller than you are.
Im with Richard Bandler on this one; people dont run on steam. Besides, if self-esteem is the result of a judgement (comparison to others status and capability or achievement) then, its farcical as both the person with high self-esteem and low-self-esteem are equally unqualified of making such a judgement. In this sense, its just a matter of opinion; this seems reasonable from the point of view that opinion is expression of self-belief. And theres only one person who cares about your opinion...and thats 'you'. In the end then, what does it matter? Best just not to have an opinion and feel good for no reason. Life is shit, and anyone who tells 'you' different has something to sell you. Sigh...but then, how much can be covered in a 5 minute video.
+jaggo84 I just think that if one has siblings that seem more successful than another and also if they perceive the parent to care for your sibling more than you, then it could cause low self esteem in a way that differs from that of a peer.
while I don't know if it's "different" it does cause low self esteem. My brother graduated from university and managed to climb his way to a highfalutin job in new york, and my father always seems to be more proud of his achievements over mine. That could also be a reason why I work so hard on my grades in my classes now, because I want my father to be proud of me too.
Oh yeah, one night I had a cousin breaking down on my mother telling her how she feels inadequate compared to her siblings who seem to be more successful with marriage and life generally. To the point she pressured my mother to tell her the "truth" if she's actually not her parents' blood child. My poor simpleton, religious mother confusedly tried to convince her that she is no one's bastard and that my mother was there when my cousin was born in the hospital and all.
Its odd to be social. Growing-up I never had an idol, someone to look up to, role-model. I never compare myself. Its odd because so many others have this race going on. When someone compliments or puts me down, I don't really know how to respond. I don't care about who I am or who you are. To be nothing is comforting.
The feels .....highly relatable It's like I'm sorta detached from things and that oblivious Ness is soothing almost like a friend you could always rely on
dude, I don't know if you guys will ever read this, but thanks to your videos I've got learn more in the last two days, than in the las twenty seven years of my life. My soul has healed so much, thanks to the philosophical endeavors engaged by you. Heart on hand: Thank you guys, please keep going. Now I will go ahead and ask you guys to add the work of Hannah Arendt to the "Politic Theory" playlist, or philosophy, what ever accrues by de diversity of the topic. The reason I think she is to be amongst such distinguished names is because she points out brightly where the constitutionalists and totalitarians notoriously clash. I'd love to collaborate in the subject, I have a couple of insights of where they are dialectically bonded, I mean in the Heggelian way, of course there should be at least another dozen of authors that should be thrown in, there'll be a time for it. Good vibes.
1. My dad has not done anything amazing, my family is an average middle class one 2. I'm not aware of any of my high school classmates, or anyone else I know, having done anything amazing. I'm ahead of a lot of them just by the fact I can afford to live alone. 3. Though my parents emphasized success in school, I never had reason to worry their love was dependent on those outcomes. And yet 0:42 describes me perfectly. I feel like I have wasted my potential and I sometimes feel convinced I haven't earned the right to even exist. So where does that come from then?
my parents' love felt very conditional. when i had a fever as a baby my mom snapped and yelled at me because my crying interrupted her sleep. my mom would withdraw her love like this whenever I would act slightly out of line, whenever i would express any amount of anger or sadness, or when i didnt live up to her unreachable standards. what kind of a parent does that? and what kind of a person stands by and lets it happen? other people in my family never stood up to her when it mattered. my childhood gave me a shit ton of anxiety, neuroticism and self esteem issues to deal with. and it made me obsessed with validation from other people. money. sex. status. external approval. some days even talking to people feels impossible because my fear of not being liked is oftentimes worse than my fear of death. when other people dont like me it feels like the end of the world. because when i was a kid, not getting approval from my parents did mean the end of my world. and sometimes i take my inner hate out on other people. ironically i've been a parasite to the actual good people in my life. i can't trust my instincts anymore. it feels like i was robbed of living a happy life, but i'm on the journey of self improvement now. im learning to love myself and love others and be the parent to myself that i never had. ive taken shrooms, ive taken lsd and i have done a lot of thinking about my life. and i know what enlightenment feels like now. self improvement is a process. all we have to do is hold on
Your comment made me cry My mom is kind of like that too :\ she didn't care much for me when I was a baby My parents didn't even want to have me :\ so I wasn't rly a planned kid I have a brother one year older So when I was born he was little too My mom would always stay with him and care for him But they would just leave me alone in a room when I was a baby I turned 14 on summer and the lack of love from my mom is still the same My mom loves my brother much more When my brother is being mean or annoying to me I will sometimes be angry and scream Then she will hit me and take my phone away :\ About my dad He is always at work Ye so I never did activities with my dad or had fun with him Cuz he was never there and won't be I don't like my life I sometimes see no one at the mirror I count myself 0,
Sad to say this, but you can't be your own parent. There are others who can sort of become a substitute, but the scars from a ruined childhood never really heal.
Dad stopped talking to me when I was a teenager. I stopped talking to him too. We went months and then years. He was angry with me but didn't I know what it was about He was banking on the fact that I was gonna be a dead beat when I grow up. He force me to go to work on holidays. Planning out my dead beat life when I was inevitablely gonna fail at school, a small phone shop at the corner of a small town. Turns out I got good grades. Suddenly the golden boy, shower me with attention which I never got. But I didn't know what to do at college so I dropped out. I'm basically dead to him now. Won't even look me in the eye. I furfilled his prediction. 31, still live at home, living of the family business, jobless and single. I don't think I'll be going to his funeral. He is a drunk, makes my mom do all the work, verbally abusive. Self worth is basically in the gutters. Hate myself as much as I hate him. But its true, all we have to do is hold on. Even when people say you're useless right to your face.
Every one is unique, therefore we all should esteem ourselves that we are unique individuals. However, We should not esteem ourselves so much that we accidentally,without knowing it, 'cross the borders' of self-esteem and occur in Egoism or the worst - Narcissism.
Narcissism is an extreme way of coping with really low self esteem. Putting oneself above all others and using manipulation etc to control... Narcissist don't believe anyone can really love them deep down and hence will do everything in their power to prove themselves correct. It's unfortunately a result very bad experiences during childhood.
+Sheila Blouin it's true, they are looking for admiration and live in a way they know how, but deep down have no real love for anyone, including themselves and believing in no real affection from anyone. Though there is a difference where some are just psychopaths or sociopaths. Many narcissist unfortunately are sociopaths.
Self Esteem has proven to be one of the most challenging things for me to build. I'm not saying that it is utterly dismal, but considering all that is my life, I should be much more confident in myself. Ironically, I think that it is low self esteem that has been the biggest cause of my more recent failings. Seems like a bit of a vicious cycle. Anyway, internet. Thank you for letting me confide in you.
Thats precisely the difficulty with self-esteem. High self-esteem individuals tend to act in line with their values, which subsiquently raises their self-esteem even higher. On the other hand low self-esteem individuals tend to self-sabotage, acting against what they know to be right, which lowers their feeling of self worth even further. What I found is that putting a consious effort into managing the psychological drivers of self-esteem is a far better stratagy than simply working harder for a better car, building a bigger business or looking for validation in friends and lovers--as all these things will inevitably leave you feeling just as hollow as when you started striving for them. I recommend 'How to raise your Self-esteem' by Nathanial Brandon if you have issues with your parents/childhood, as it has a sort of self-therapy strategy that can profoundly change your life--as it did for mine. However if you are looking for a more general guide of the actions you can take to feel worthy of living, have a look at 'Six Pillars of Self-Esteem' which is also by Nathanial Brandon.
I'm afraid I can't agree with this wholly. I get the vibe that this video's script was produced by somebody who indeed falls under the "underachiever versus parents" to "requiring parents' approval" category. That isn't the be-all and end-all. Not only has my dad always been working class, but he also never gave a shit about me. As a child I never felt there was any reason to strive for success since I had nobody to show my achievements to. He simply never paid attention, and my mother wasn't much better. So, who did I have to turn to? The few friends I had, I suppose. They did happen to receive their parents' praise and get better grades, and I compared myself to them, thus lowering my self-esteem. There is no exact science to this. Low self-esteem can occur at both ends of the spectrum, and any point in-between.
I heard an interview with Alain de botton (The speAker), where he spoke about his father who put enormous effort into floating the company he started. He toiled away and eventually he was extremely successful financially. I think it was a podcast interview as is probably still available. I listened to it ages ago, but I remember it gave huge insight Into alain's work ethic, what motivates him and his own self esteem.
Emotional neglect is real, and so are emotionally neglectful parents. A lot of parents don't know what to expect from themselves, and thus they don't know what to expect from you. They get married maybe more of because social tradition. They pressure themselves with the question "if they could do as good as other people" instead of "if they personally should or need". Basically not everyone is an expert at being a parent and not all parents are child psychologists who know how to raise a mentally satisfied child. This is just how I feel about my own parents. I just wanna tell you that I'm glad I'm not alone.
Even being absent is an action, that may have caused a reaction in your emotional outcome and overall selfesteem (that's what hapened to me but i only discovered it a couple of years ago, so i make actions to change that result).
I agree with you that this video is not a one-size-fits-all solution however, i think that you can only put so much information in a 5 minute video. Besides, i hope you're not missing the point for the majority of this channel's videos that they provide awareness and hope to steer people on the right track by creating these videos. I think the main point specifically in this video is that self-esteem is to come in terms with yourself about your past, the factors that you grew up with, and has little to do with financial status, achievements, etc. It wasn't specifically for "under achiever versus parents" but more of as a direct example that maybe a lot of people relate to. You are right that it can go at both ends and your experience can be what they used as an example, they just didn't.
The Antidote by Oliver Burkeman was a life-changing book for me. One of the topics it covers is self-esteem and this passage in particular changed my mindset like nothing else... “Or consider the fraught topic of self-esteem. We tend to assume that having high self-esteem is a good thing, but some psychologists have long suspected that there might be something wrong with the whole notion - because it rests on the assumption of a unitary, easily identifiable self. Setting out to give your ‘self’ one universal positive rating may in fact be deeply perilous. The problem lies in the fact that you’re getting into the self-rating game at all; implicitly, you’re assuming that you are a single self that can be given a universal grade."
"The single greatest determinate of how much you will esteem yourself is how you compare with your same sex parent." What if I have never had a same sex parent. I'm an 18 year old guy who has never had a father. What now?
***** I guess that, because I never had a father, I don't feel as if I have anything to surpass. This can be a double edged sword. I will always be content but I may never strive for something bigger. Thank you replying btw, love the channel
Do you think maybe you have found fleeting examples of father-figures in your lifetime? Maybe a teacher or a friend? How has your relationship with them been?
im 21 and grew up under very similar circumstances (without a father figure). i cannot deny the void that may leave behind, with regards to a lack of guidance crucial to adolescence and every stepping stone that could exist prior. but you're right, i do relate to that being a double-edged sword. it leaves so much room for influence. i only hope that the influences you have encountered were positive & will benefit you and your choices in a fulfilling, 'void-filling' way.
I don't quite have a father figure in my childhood either. But I guess it is why I often take various authoritative figures (e.g. professors) as my father figures on the subconscious level, and secretly crave for their approvals. That puts my self-esteem on a pretty precarious basis but those from whom I seek approval usually do not care about me a lot. Sometimes there were even outright disapprovals and lack of sympathy.
AWBbox You need to convince yourself that your worth is not determined by how much money you have, how much love you received from your parents or how popular/rich/significant you are compared to your friend group. You need to convince yourself that despite any of that, you are special and you matter. That is where true happiness lies.
@@chelseaclark-martin6357 Very strongly put and I agree with 95% of your message. "Special" on the other hand is not needed to believe in. That's the ego (the ego is negative) although we need a little to survive (but that kicks in automatically the moment it is needed). If we all believed we are "special" we would be living in a narcissistic world. @AWBbox You are who you are, but that doesn't mean you cannot be better than who you were yesterday, or you cannot be better than your opponent. If you do what feels right for you and follow your inner voice (and we all have those, but some are very muted and we need to listen to it more closely) you can be more content with yourself, thus (maybe) have (more) self esteem.
MUT Thanks for responding. I would disagree with your bit about being special. I think it needs to be broken down a bit further for you to understand what I mean. I’m not saying you have to believe you are extraordinary, but you do have to believe in your own unique "specialness" and understand that you are unlike any one else in this world and because of that and for many other reasons, you are worthy. Ego or not, that will help your self esteem. - You also mentioned being better than your opponent. In my opinion, viewing the world with other people as your opponents will always lead to low self esteem. You will never fully win in anything! There will always be someone chasing your coattails ready to knock you out of your "winning" position. True happiness is found when you change your mental framework and view yourself as your only opponent, not others. Cheers 🥂
being the youngest of four in my family with all talented achieving siblings, I was largely ignored in all honesty growing up. But my imagination and ability to be by myself has carried me so far that I don't regret things like I used to related to my childhood. Excellent video. love "school of life" so much.
I too was the youngest , but only had 1 brother. Being the one who failed/went to summerschool alot and having a brother who judged me for everything I was and downright bullied me caused me to lose touch of my originality, personality and character. I had little to no friends ever since my breaking point. Most of my adolecence was attempting to regain pieces of the lost puzzle. Now I'm not sure what the outcome was. I remember as a kid, in elemtary school, our counceler would bring us candy. I was always coincidentaly one of the last in line. Seeing there was only two left and one of them being realy nasty and the other being apple (or something good) Knowing behind me was one last kid in the row, I always took the worst candy and in exchange let the kid in back have the good one. During Physical Education, After a long run we would all take a break next to the water fountain which was always packed, each of us getting in line. When it was my turn I always remember looking back, seeing a lot of kids in line real thirsty, I being thirsty as well and then taking only a sip of water so that the kids that were next could get their fill before the bell rung. Small things like that were the building blocks of my personality and character.
Usually the youngest received more love from the family so the youngest does not have the need to study or work hard. That’s why the oldest child always has high achievement
Mriku Yes the youngest are easily boiled and there is another reason. They usually need to take least responsibility for their behaviors. Usually if they argue with their older brother, parents will think it’s the mistake of older child even though it’s actually the fault of youngest child . So when youngest child grow up, they will probably act without considering consequences
If you feel like you're not enough, just remember that the only one person in love who is ever gonna care about what you do is yourself. If you come to terms with who you are and realize the real life limitations you just happened to be born into, it'll be easier to love yourself
So... My father has never really amounted to much. For much of my childhood, he was homeless, in fact. I was raised primarily by my mother, who gave me unconditional love, no matter how well I did in school, but every father figure I've had has never quite been happy about my achievements. I would consider myself to have low self esteem, I don't think I'm good enough for any woman, even if they tell me that they love me, or how good of a person I am. I'm confused at why this is, as I was and am so loved by my mother.
It may be because your mother seems so perfect in your mind that you can't imagine deserving a woman that loves you unconditionally like her, even when raising you alone. I can't truly be sure, but you're probably comparing yourself and your own failures to an angelic stereotype, failing to notice that everyone has flaws and just wants to be accepted. Hope this helps.
the few facts that you mentioned do not define you. life & psychology even, is much more complex. talk to a therapist. realistically challenge your beliefs, work on your personality, seek growth and move in a positive direction. We all have times when we lack self esteem. Focus too much on the negative and that's all you will see. See your positives and focus on those. That's my advice.
I just recently read a quote that instantly boosted my self esteem. It said, "you were born to be real, not perfect". (read that again!) since most of us deal with the inner conflict of being enough vs. perfect, this quote made me realise that if we were born to be real, that means we were meant to have our own 'realities' obviously. However, since everyone has a different 'reality' then we ought to not just celebrate and be entitled to it but also showcase our version of reality so that someone else could get inspiration from it..therefore, ur realities also matter, so does your struggle and hardships. they're not to be felt ashamed of, but a stepping stone to show someone else how its managed. This thought is so liberating!
Tracing back the roots of all my adult life problems, only thing in the end i realised is that I had a terrible childhood, I grew up with lack of affection, had a judgmental mother and relatives who colour shamed me, which totally ruined my self esteem. now as an adult I struggle a lot with self hatred and crippling social anxiety.
@@kajalwaghresha3786 by reading self help books i came to realise we try to fit within what we are told. i would suggest reading six pillars of self esteem book. it had contributed a lot to who i am as a person now. solution : well, i still struggle with anxiety and feelings of not being good enough, but at the end of the day, it just passes on, i am slowly becoming comfortable in who i am. only way i found is self acceptance and trying to forgive what it was and moving on with a positive outlook.
This channel is literally therapy for me. Thanks guys... I really mean it, you guys changed the way I looked at things and truly made me have a sense of where I'm going or what and why I'm feeling certain things. Simply thanks.
comparing oneself to anyone only has two results, “i am worse than this person” or, more frighteningly, “i am better than this person” while in this comment section, i noticed that a good majority believed that to build one’s self esteem, one must compare themselves to another, whether it be a past version of themselves, or someone else entirely. to compare oneself in a better light than the other, builds up not good self-esteem, but pride. it feels a lot better than its negative counterpart, but is wrong nonetheless. to compare oneself in a worse light than the other, doesn’t only take one’s self esteem down a bracket, but also one’s self worth. in short, all comparison is bad. this video stabs at that idea here and there, especially regarding the peer groups and parental income theory, but never quite 100% addresses comparison and its faults. now moving on to the past self aspect of comparison, which i find this to be foolish in its entirety, mostly because of comparison’s inherit nature, but also because not everyone’s past self is consistently worse than their present self. so please, love yourself for who you are, not who you are according to a homeless man or jeff bezos.
I think the problem with having low self esteem is that people don't respect us if we can't respect ourselves. The disinterest that people show just makes us question our self worth even more, which starts the whole vicious cycle again. So the important thing is to practise loving ourselves a bit more every day, which is what I'm trying to do, to convince myself that I am as worthy a human as anyone else. Being selfish is actually essential to the well being of people with low self esteem, but too many people do it too well, often at the expense of someone else's happiness, even if happiness is not mutually exclusive most of the time.
The school of life is such a change of pace to most media outlets. The pessimissm it brings really is truth and helps much more than all this feel-good motivational shit we see in most places.
Spot-on! You confirmed 100% what I always thought and felt about self esteem, while handing out some very important pieces to complete the "jigsaw puzzle". . You are addressing this very important issue the exact right way! Finally! Thanks for that! And yes: I did throw that class reunion invitation (from long ago)straight to the trash and felt good about it.
I think having good friends in life is a huge part of being confident about ourselves because you know whatever you do, you will still be loved and cherished by your closed ones. One of things I find in common with depressed individuals or people with substance abuse issues is that they didn't have close friends in their childhood. In fact, even one close friend will do. Someone who accepts you for who you are. I derive a good amount of self validation and confidence from my beloved friends and their love have always been a life saving boat in the times when I really question my self worth. Just knowing that you matter to at least someone can be very uplifting. I really related with the parent aspect. But I am lucky to have had at least one parent (my mother) who loved me unconditionally whereas for my dad, it was always important that I do well, and not only do well but come first in everything. I have a lot to heal from because of the impossible standards he set for me. After a certain age I just refused to achieve these standards and learnt to say - No thank you. I am glad I did that. But this conditioning made failure tremendously difficult for me to accept. Even now when I understand embracing failure is just as important as embracing success, setbacks still affects my self worth. He never appreciated crying or showing vulnerability and that has very negatively affected me in my life. I find it tremendously difficult to cry even in front of people I feel closest to and I tend to distance myself in my moments of vulnerability in relationships. It is important to be aware of these tendencies to start healing yourself. But I will say acknowledgement is the very first step.
My self esteem issues all stem from childhood trauma I was neglected, physically abused and humiliated for other peoples enjoyment not only at home but by other relatives, people and in school, I know there are some of you who can relate, i believe you, I believe in you, I love you, it’s hard to be us to be the one left out, it’s hard to feel like you’ve never been human but you are, you can be made to feel complete you are worthy of love and compassion, I love you all.
this doesn't seem to apply for me. my parents are nothing (really, they have no profession and work for others). my friends... they all achieved less than me, i was the only one to get into med school. my childhood instead... i dont know if it was more of unconditional love or conditional love. yet i hate my self. and i think the reason is society and their standards. why didnt you talk about that? thanks. as always amazing video
+The School of Life first time you answer and this is my first comment making a bad critic. damn i feel bad haha, but yes, society seems to me like the big monster.
food for thought: Consider three simple rules as follows: 1. Fly at the same speed as the average of your closest neighbours. 2. Fly equidistant to all neighbours. 3. Within the constraints of 1 & 2, fly in the direction of the center of mass of all others who are flying... what do you get? A swarm. From a distance, the swarm looks like it has purpose and organisation... but it doesn't; its just an emergent phenomenon. You hate yourself? Congrats! Welcome! So many of us do, but, the best thing is... no one judges you for it, and if they do, its only because they havent dared to take the joy in self-loathing. I say this not to be cruel or condescending, but life IS cruel irony, dont you think? This is normal. For me, it comes down to utility. Does it serve you or not? Does it get you what you need? If so, keep doing it; if not, get bored of it and hate something else... .;-)
My parents said something to me that I'll never forget. You can be anything and do anything as long as you're happy and not taking at the expense of others, then we really don't mind what you do with your life. For me, this removed a lot of pressure. There was and is nothing wrong with living modestly at all. They didn't care if I did better or worse that them, all that mattered to them was that I was happy, and that's all that should matter to anyone. You're allowed to do only what's most comfortable to you, if it makes you happy. I do struggle a little with the peer side, but not because I think they are better or worse than me. I don't care if someone I know is rich or poor, it's entirely based on if I can really connect with them, which has proven the need to step out of that comfort zone a little at times.
My mom never loved me and she abandoned me for her friends. And when I showed her my wife and kids she acted like a nanny goat. And don't want to see her grandkids. (This Really Happened).
Dad: degree in mechanical engineering and a MBA, both full ride scholarships Me: just finishing my undergrad degree in biology after 8 years, lots of debt, no job offers.....
Did you manage to get a job? I hope you did. But the truth in life is that some people are just lucky. Coincidences line up for them, allowing them to become what they are. Good looks, intelligence coupled with motivation, wealthy parents? All luck. Everyone can put in hard work but not everyone can be a winner.
School of Life: Your videos have changed my outlook on many things. It's really excellent to see these videos and their perspectives, even on things I am already familiar with like the literature videos you make. Thank you so much for them. They have really improved my life, at a time when I am dealing with a lot of self doubt and depression, these videos offer me a way to feel as though I am learning something. And, even in a small way, changing my perspective.
I had a shitty childhoolod, I am a high school dropout, my parents always underestimated my achievements, everytime I did bad they told me I could've done better, and everytime I did good they used it as proof that I can do better, and that I should put more effort into my life. At age 17 I was in the worst moments of my life, constantly depressed and anxious, every day I would wake up feeling a hole in my gut, and I would drag myself to highschool feeling like life was hell. One day I dropped out of school, my parents were shocked and blamed me for it, my answer was simple, "idgaf what you think, if you want to kick me out of the house do so, from now on I'm gonna focus on improving my self, my life, how I feel about myself, I want to love myself, I don't want to hear no more bullshit from disturbed people no more, and I'm goint to succceed." I studied NLP, linguistics, how beliefs work, neural myelination, meditation, I changed my belief of failure for feedback, that everything in life is a step towards my goal of feeling adequate, good, snug in myself, comfortable in my own skin. When people came to bullshit me, I would turn around and leave for a walk. Today I feel like a success. Im not the fittest, Im not the most attractive, but I feel like I achieved my goal in life, and everything from now on is surplus. I laugh, I have stopped searching for a fix to my problems, cos I feel like I don't have any no more, just challenges that are fun to overcome. I don't feel like anyone is above or below me, I think that from the president of the USA to that bum in the corner, we are all people in this universe we don't fully understand. I am happy. One day I told myself "How should I live life so that if I have to live for eternity I would have a good time?" And I constructed my life around that idea.
It used to be the case. Now, people compare themselves on Instagram (personal life, looks, followers and likes) and LinkedIn (diplomas, job, skills, endorsements, network and likes).
it's main utility is to link people who will naturally attempt to gain self esteem which establishes a false high standard of living; therefore spurring high economic activity and boosting the economy in general.
Its the opposite, for 1 simple fact. The only time it would be in your favour is ifyoure actualy the most succesful one in your peer group, but there could only be one, so chances are youre not, so no, thats not the aim of Facebook.
This video teaches us how important it is to respect ourselves and realize who we truly are.It is high time that we stop comparing ourselves with others and start treating ourselves with more love and compassion. Finding inner peace and happiness is much more important than having good grades,good jobs and a luxurious lifestyle.We must learn to like ourselves,take decisions on our own and explore the natural wonders of life.We must be ready to take challenges in life,try to gain more knowledge without fear of competition and losing out on things.These factors are critical to our overall growth and development not only as a professional but also a human being.We must learn that having the best jobs,cars and house wont give us satisfaction and eternal happiness.We must realize our identify,our upbringing and what our purpose is.We can be content with the smallest of things in life. The happiest and most motivated person may not be the most wealthy or powerful.They are confident and motivated in life as they are able to achieve their realistic and short term goals. Self-esteem is our idea of our own basic worth, and is often rooted in our childhood when our sense of value was associated with the positive regards of others, or linked with our achievements. As we move into adulthood, we may accomplish much yet feel dissatisfied because our self-esteem still depends on our next success, or failure. Life seems like a treadmill, lacking in real excitement or purpose. People with high self esteem are always confident,positive minded and motivated in life.They always find positivity even in the darkest of times.“We need to love ourselves in order to feel good about who we are. This love is called self-esteem. Self-respect is the gateway to self-esteem. When we make good choices in life to do what is right over what is easy, over that which only makes us look good, we gain self-respect… When we don’t make the right choice, its because we are not full and complete in ourselves. We are either giving in to a body impulse or an ego drive. A body impulse can be overeating or sleeping in excess. An ego drive can run the gambit from making a joke at someone’s expense to working to buy a car that you cannot afford. And what happens when we do this? We get angry at ourselves… Our respect for ourselves, in short, determines the amount of respect we crave from others and our need to push for control and dominance. We all give in to our body and our ego sometimes. But depending on how frequently and recently we did that, depending on the overall proportion of giving in to taking charge, that is the key to our response to outside conflict… When we are in a situation where we feel disrespected , it causes a negative response because the outside world, through our ego, is our only source of psychological support or nourishment. The more a person is in control of himself, the greater his self-respect and the higher his self-esteem. And vice versa.” Good choices leading to self-respect leading to positive self-esteem is a path worth following. And I don’t think any self-respecting social scientist would disagree with the wisdom of making good choices. But there is still room to discuss what constitutes making the right choices.
Those principles also play a BIG role in the background and outbreak of Narcissistic and Borderline personality disorders. I knew several inhuman beings with those "blessings" and all of them had same background and circumstances as was stated in the video.
This is a gross over simplification of a very complicated psychological problem that often arises from a much deeper level than just "what did our parents do for a living" or how much love you received as a child. I don't agree with this video.
Of course this is true. I think the school of life does this a lot. They show us factors of why people act a certain way, but obviously there are many factors of psychology/sociology... free will and mental illnesses and endless cultures etc
Obviously oversimplifications won’t be the exact representation of multifarious things. But I think they are mostly right. Self-esteem is a valuation of the self, and you can only value something by comparison, and there everything lays. I have extremely low self-esteem, but it’s mostly because of my depression. I come from Mexico. Family is everything there. I want to be successful to become the pillar of the family, like my Father or my Maternal Grandma, and help and rule the family, yet I fell into obscurity after giving my graduation speech because I was depressed. I feel weak and worthless, meanwhile they all give me their incondicional love, and I feel I failed myself and everyone expectations. I dropped out and became a ghost of my own self, nothing motivates me. In trying to fix my procrastination I am getting rid of the self-esteem factor, because my other problems grossly simplified are fear and doubt. What are yours?
On the contrary! It’s actually amazingly accurate!! If you looked a bit deeper you could probably sub in everything that contributes to your low self esteem into this wide framework.
If I ever get a child I will give him/her all the love they can get from the beginning. I will always make them feel like number one so that they don't have to struggle with questioning their self worth through their whole life. I will literally do everything my parents didnt do My mom - A banker, work always comes first, husband second, children third. Left her kids almost dying in pneumonia because she had to work that day. My dad - Nothing is ever good enough, struggling with his own self-esteem. You're only good in his eyes when you've done hard physical job, otherwise you're trash.
My mom is the kind who constantly compares with others - others husbands, others kids. I believe both my dad and me suffer from this. No matter what we achieve or do is never enough for her or the pleasure is so short lived. She never realizes that. Her life is rotating around other people. I can't change her but I ll make sure I don't repeat the same ever.
My dad is good hearted and mediocore I would say. It seem to me as a harsh thing to say, though. It's true that I have a real problem with accepting his way of life. But I don't know to what extent does it backlash to my self-esteem. Guess I'm fine with saying I want to live a better life. As I'm now thinking about it, i'm doing many things I think my dad wouldn't. Living abroad, changing jobs for sake of finding a fullfilling one, learning ways to live my life rather than surviving. I don't know who I am nor what to do but so none else does. Isn't it about how you deal with it? We can keep distracting ourselves or face fact that we have nothing more than a faint idea about anything at all. What about not comparing yourself to others? Friends, parents, the peer group. If you feel like the unique snow flake, be that way, act that way. If you feel like a part of a group, be that way, act that way.
@Hinemoa kind of same thing happend to me, teacher told to close the window when i stood up to close the window out of nowhere she told i am good for nothing then she told that im completly useless and im a failure, after that she told to get my dad to come over and talk to her and she told him i was joking while she is explaining the lesson, and i told my dad she is lying he did not beleive me when we got back hom he kicked so hard almost broke my leg one of the worst weeks of my life but that was like 6 or 7 years ago( sorry long comment and broken english)
I self-loathed myself from childhood to mid teen, I have a low esteem that I do not look at people when passing the hallway, like literally I face to the window or somewhere far away people faces because I felt like they are judging me on the way I look. Slowly I accepted who I am and I can walk with my face straight ahead. And all the negativity I was overthinking on my head led me to good results and achievements when I turned it into positive thoughts.
Self-esteem and other human qualities such as happiness, etc., are things that can be improved. However, it's generally a difficult road and requires an effort that may last for years. That's why most people who struggle with these qualities just settle for mediocrity or worse (drug/alcohol addiction, bad relationships, etc.). Someday, the science of psychology may progress to the point where people can improve their human condition quickly and that would be excellent......
I have high self-esteem and pretty much never compare myself to other people. There's always going to be someone out there who is "better than you" in some way. Who cares? Instead of comparing yourself to others, compare yourself to who you were a year ago and focus on becoming a better version of yourself. You'll never be the smartest, most beautiful, wealthiest, whatever, but you can improve in a lot of areas relative to your past self.
Can you remember a time you weren't like this? I'm always interested in others' stories of how they were able to overcome low confidence and start thriving
@@GwunChin This isn't anywhere close to the whole story, but my not comparing myself to others mindset began when I was 15. I was a distance running prodigy, broke many school records, won every local race I ever ran, and was in the top 10 in the nation (US) for my age. Then I found out about a guy named Alan Webb who was so, SO much more talented than I knew I could ever be no matter how hard I worked. It was a hard slap in the face, but it helped me realize that there will always be someone better than you out there in some way. It got me thinking about it more and how meaningless it is to compare yourself to others to feel good for being "better" than others. I decided more and more over the years to just focus on myself, bettering myself, and not really worrying about others at all. People say I come off as extremely confident, but I think it's more just that I don't really care at all about impressing people or not impressing people. I work hard and do the best I can do, but whether that is "better" than others or not is of no concern to me. Cheers.
@@GuppyPal Thanks for sharing, it's so true that however 'good' you think you are, there's always going to be someone else that's better. It can be much more effective to simply focus on becoming a better YOU than the person you were yesterday. Much love.
Self esteem is when you reach the level of not accepting fake anything in life due to original you been keeping yourself up and feel it would devalue you infront of your especially self to act/be like them and dont need more than your own self to provide for yourself whateva and when you feel this way know that you are so fine/healthy/right & God/parents pleased upon you and adores you and both life will always got good things in store for you no matter how dark/harsh it get .
unconditional love is the most overrated and damaging thing that anyone could get. The problem is where your parents and peers choose to put the conditions.
The lack of conditionality in the love of a parent, or the aparent lack of it, in certain areas, generates a false security that you can do ANYTHING or behave in any form, and youll still be loved. That leads to many problems: people that reclaim inconditional love usually just want to be able to treat others however they feel like, and behave just how they feel like, not respecting any boundaries and still be loved. " i am this way, you should love like that" Those people often refuse to change their behavior, and puts the burden on the other. There is a healty need of conditions in the love of parent or peers: youll be loved ir you do your best to be the best version of you, youll be loved if you treat others and yourself with respect, and so on. The problem with conditions is when those are the wrong ones: " youll be loved when you meet MY expectations" "youll be loved when you succeed" etc. I hope i make myself clear. Greetings
We learn a lot of things from those who are more experienced than us, especially at young ages. Receiving unconditional love helps us learn how to love ourselves unconditionally. If we learn to get good grades and behave in certain ways in order to be loved when we are young, when we grow up, we chase external evidence such as high status jobs, money, women, heck even love from random strangers (fame) in order to love ourselves (massive generalisation). Unfortunately, humans are social animals and so a lot of our evolution has depended on and will continue to depend on our carers, peers and anyone close to us. And because of that, I would imagine that having a spouse at a later age who loves unconditionally may go in some way to fulfilling the lack of unconditional love at a young age. But how can you do that for someone else when you can't do it for yourself? Why do you say that unconditional love is overrated and damaging?
There are some great lack self-esteem as a consecuence of an unconditional parent. Because the world rarely reflects the same opinion of you that the unconditional parent. That, far from making the child feel special, just makes him dependant of the unconditional love. Thats common on the parents that puts too much effort on making the kid to feel good about himself no matter what. The kid grows with the idea, that the only person capable to love him/her, is the unconditional parent, but lacks the tools or understanding that the love and the respect have to be earned, and he doesn't know how to do that. That leads to much solitud, pain or the construction of unhealthy relations, with dependence and violence.
I agree with that some parents do put too much effort on making the kid feel good about themselves no matter what. I can imagine how a kid growing up with that type of parent will have the expectation to be 'loved' regardless of their behaviour or awareness of the other person. This, however, is a failure to develop past this stage to stages where they realise love is a two way street, that it is not just about being loved unconditionally but also loving unconditionally, how to love themselves, that love has boundaries and so on. They can also have rather distorted expectations of what 'love' means or looks like to them, which as you pointed out can look more like dependence and associated behaviours (i.e. violence when they don't get what they want). Therefore, I can't agree with you that these consequences are due to unconditional love alone.
Youre right, those consecuences are not due unconditional love alone. The main point im arguing here, is that, in my opinion, unconditional love is NOT a good thing. And that conditions (the right conditions) are needed to a healthy development. In the same way that is not good for anyone to love someone inconditionally. We need to ask for basic conditions, like being respected and well treated in a physical and psichological way. Because that's what shows love for ourselves. That's why i always recommend, that if you encounter a person, or are in a relationship that questions your love for not being inconditional, to analize seriously if that person is not using that idea as an excuse not to change her/his bad behaviors towards you.
i discovered this channel today and i went through a bunch of videos about confidence and self esteem and this one definitely resonated with me the most.... those 3 factors are now clearly obvious to me as the root cause of my lack of self confidence and self esteem... while my parents did shower me with unconditional love... ever since i moved away in pursuit of a better life in another country, they have been constantly (albeit probably inadvertantly) pressuring me about finding a good paying job and "settling down" or "becoming financially stable" along with all the other hardships that moving to another country and completely changing careers put so much pressure on me i link finding financial success with my self worth which is clearly counter productive because confidence is a key factor in becoming financially successful especially if doing a self taught career. I don't know how to break the chain. i don't know how to bypass this feeling.
Here’s the thing I am a music student, a trumpet player to be specific, and I am very confident in my abilities. I don’t like to brag about it, but in my head I know that I am good at what I do and I don’t feel like I am underperforming. But I always feel like I am not worthy of other people’s attention. Whenever I am talking to someone I feel like I am wasting their time, and it is an inconvenience for them to talk to me. I feel super guilty about asking other people for favours or to spend time on me. Even if I really need it I won’t ask for help because I don’t want to inconvenience anybody. On the flip side I will always go out of my way to help other people. When someone is talking to me I will always completely listen to what they have to say and always seem interested. I will never get angry about anything with anyone, I am always calm and trying to find the best solution. I will pour my heart out for any other person just so I will feel like I am appreciated by other people. For me it’s not a matter of performance, it’s a matter of feeling important to other people.
Part of what makes these videos so sweet & insightful is the specific verbiage of Alain de Botton himself, though you're free to start your own channel with your own insights : )
I used to struggle with self-esteem really badly. I managed to overcome it by pouring a few teaspoons of bleach into my cereal everyday. It made the cereal taste better and it made me feel happy. I highly recommend trying this if you're struggling with self-esteem.
How about my case, my parents love me and support no matter what but still anyway I have low self esteem? I'm always depressed even though I have a happy (sorta) life. Disclaimer: English is not my first language
I overthink everything, I get nervous about everything I don’t know about. At one point it was driving, now it’s little things like checking my balance at an atm. Who else feels like a complete failure? I relate.
There are several elements which have an influence on a person’s self-esteem. These are amongst others: -The successful solving of a problem; -The attaining of a goal; -Acknowledgement from others for one’s achievements, activities or for a task well performed; or -Positive comments on one’s talents, abilities or personal appearance. These elements can be divided into two groups namely, internal and external. External elements probably occur much less frequently than internal ones. A common factor in all of the above is that if present, it provides a sense of meaning to one’s existence and endorse that one has in some way, the potential to influence and change one’s environment. Apart from implying some form of control, these elements have a strong a stimulative component in the sense that they may motivate one to continue applying or using one’s abilities. This enables one to keep on functioning and may serve as a the reservoir from which to draw in times of doubt in one’s abilities or following failure. The need to actively nurture or maintain one’s self-esteem differs from person to person and probably decreases with age. In everyday life, one is continually confronted with problems, crises, and obstacles, which when solved or overcome autonomously, serve to bolster one’s self-esteem. The need for internal or external elements to assist in maintaining optimal functioning often depends on the personality type. Some personality types for instance, need very little in terms of either internal or external elements to function well. Others may need almost constant and even increasing external elements to function optimally. In some situations as in depression, the influence of external and/or internal recognition have little or no influence at all on the individual’s self-esteem. In such instances, drastic intervention maybe required in the from of medication to enable the person to be reactive to these Factors. Metaphors for selected Psychological Concepts in: psychotherapy.co.za, by Coert Mommsen D.Phil (Ethics in Psychology)M.A.Clinical Psychology
but the unconditional love can be really harmful in some cases. When the child notices huge difference between unconditional love of parents and indifference/cruelty of outer world, it can turn it's back on what parents say. Everyone else judges you by your achievements, so there is risk that a person grows up neglecting unconditional love as biased or something that doesn't apply to their real personality.
Unconditional love doesn't mean love without criticism. You can accept your child yet still have high expectation. Because everyone else judges you by achievement, that's why the unconditional love of a parent is so unique and so essential.
+George Rosebush I agree, but wouldn't that be heavily affected by outside influence? For example, I know a lot of people get bullied for being overweight. My city has a lot of schools where kids have to deal with that, and school life is awful for them and they have very low self esteem. But my school is pretty good at keeping bullying at bay. There are a few kids in my class who could be categorized as overweight and possibly be made fun of but because of the lack of bullying, they end up with very high self esteem.
As far as I understood the video, there is. It is about working with evolutionizing your psychology and accepting who you are and where you are in your life. :) Not easy but doable.
This video isn't supported by actual science. Don't be lazy, and go through the grunt work of researching your material. You are trying to educate people right?
as a child, well, i still am a child in a way being 16, i never had any role models or celebrity comparison points. sure, i would compare myself to my classmates occasionally, but for the most part, i never saw myself as competitive. but for some reason, my self esteem has recently been a little worse for wear. while watching this video, i remembered that my mother and step father would not love me or my step brother if we had not preformed well in school, done our chores, or done anything they wanted us to really. beginning middle school, i lost all of my friends, and my grades slipped a lot in a very short amount of time, and though depression at 11 was brutal, i came out more confident, without knowing exactly why. now i realize it’s because i let go of those expectations people, including myself, thrust upon me. it’s been a three, going on four, year journey of being depressed on and off, but i feel i’ve learned so much and really become my best self. however, i’ve spent the last couple months of quarantine with those emotionally abusive parents, and on top of that i’m going to move to africa, start the IB program, and make my first short film within the next few weeks. all of this is really stressful, and my self esteem has been realllllly low, and now i understand why. those expectations my parents have, and that i have for myself, are starting to creep back in. this video helped me a lot, but i still have work to do if i’m ever going to love myself the right way again. thank you.
this is scarily true in my case, with parents just showing mild appreciation when I got good grades, otherwise I was only chastised for not getting results.
The only person you should ever compare yourself to is the person who you were yesterday.
Shut up
rockedthrewtheboards Thank you for your intellectual response.
SO JUST DO IT!
(lol idk the comment reminded me of shia)
Well said.
I murdered someone yesterday, so today I feel great! I'm a much better person now
My life got 1000% better when i stoped comparing to other people ...
That's impossible, its human nature
Pentru Barbati hmmm idn realy i cant realy stop doing that i tried but it dont work im prety sure i have social anxiety or avpd idn anymore
i wish it was that easy...
Kalle-Aleksi Vainionpää bs
Kalle-Aleksi Vainionpää No it’s not. Sure they may think small thoughts like “he’s better looking than me” but they probably stop themselves from fully comparing.
This art form depicts the human population very well.
We're all blockheads.
True
Astute.
lol we suck
I'm a triangle though, I just don't fit here
Britt Esmee lol u suck.
Gotim
I'm surprised this video didn't touch on school bullying. Being bullied myself had such a huge impact on my self esteem and confidence into adulthood. It's a constant uphill struggle that never really goes away.
Caroline J there are videos from School of Life that will help you. like, Why are people nasty?
@rajat king I hear what your saying but there are many people who sale through life never getting bullied and rarily , if ever go through confrontation. I'm sure they've experienced less stress. It would be nice.
Peer group pressure did that for me.
@rajat king people can response the stimulus in the different way
@rajat king You're only correct if the person in question fought back. What if he never did work up the courage to fight back against the bullies? And what if 20 years later he still feels like that same kid who was bullied back then? I believe that's something he has to work through in adulthood.
My low self-esteem stems from the fact that I feel like no one really likes me, nor cares about me. It's always me who has to make a conscious effort to get people to spend time with me. I'm usually polite, but people instantly judge me when I have a small outburst of anger or frustration, whereas others can somehow behave like jerks very often and get away with it.
I know that feel of depending on other's validation to determine self worth. It's vicious, I feel as if everything is one sided ; and though I don't make outbursts, I still think people have judged me to be not worthy of any sort of care or attention. I can't offer you anything, but I can say that solitude makes me feel a little better because at least then I wont have to worry about being "worthy" for anyone else. Being avoidant is probably bad in the long run though.
Sometimes when we want to be liked and accepted we present ourselves as how we think other people expect us to be. But actually this is a fake version of ourself and people can actually feel that it is fake and find it hard to engage with us seriously. Try to find your real self and be that person instead. Be as you are and don't change to please others. Only then will the people that matter appreciate you.
You gotta start making people realize it’s a privilege to be around YOU.
Interesting, thanks for that. Is it just your own perception you feel nobody likes you? and difficult to overcome that belief?
Love Yourself wonderfully put, throughout my teen years it felt like every interaction was an audition and i was never my true self, i didnt even know who my true self was and i dont really know now either , on my way to find out tho
School of Life, you always seem to know what I'm feeling.
ditto
they are good.
It is a universal feeling of the human condition which they are so good at putting into videos
i know right?! i am in awe.
I suffered a mental break down today at work. All due to extremly low self esteem.. This video sums it up
My dad - a "from zero to hero" millionaire
My friends - all achieving at least something
Me - not able to do anything with my life except for rolling in agony of self hatred
Starting group therapy this Friday. Hope it works
I hope so, too. Keep trying, because life is a puzzle for everyone and we all take our own time to figure out how all of our pieces fit together!
I ment 'nervous break down'
You'll always have your core being - what you love, what makes you loving, what makes you the purest form of you.
Sometimes we forget our core and we think we are our thoughts. We are never our thoughts.
Your core being is luminous and ever lasting and immovable, but sometimes our thoughts smother it and we forget about it.
The good news is that these intrusive thoughts are irrational and don't mean a thing. Accept them, but don't connect with them. Let them flow over you like sound, unaffected.
You're core is what gives you self esteem, so let it shine through the billows of irrational worry.
You'll be okay. You're developing from this suffering every day.☺
If you have time to whine and complain about something then you have the time to do something about it. - Anthony J. D'Angelo
Your comment seems largely irrelevant, given that he's already signed up to therapy
I don't know if the audience noticed this, but Alain de Botton (one of the founder of The School of Life and the official voice of the channel) describes his case in minute 1:53.
He decided to follow philosophy and humanities, instead of keeping the million business (Global Asset Management) of his father Gilbert de Botton. Maybe it was a difficult decision for him (emotionally more than financially) and MAYBE his father didn't approved that decision. Maybe that's why we see a lot of videos about the emotions, the meaning of success, status anxiety and the final purpose of rich people.
Alain De Botton is projecting part of himself in condensed videos. He's sharing us part of his sufferings and his subjective life in form of knowledge (mainly philosophical and psychological). In terms of Schopenhauer, I would say he's a universal man (he understands the complexity of feelings and the condition of humankind). Thanks for your ambitious project, De Botton and The School of Life! Keep going!
Guillermo O.C I thought only I noticed this!
This is quite an accurate observation
The universal man attempts to further know, through Universality … Out of which all of our diverse experiences emerge to subsequently contribute toward knowledge, This I recognise that you are indeed aware of, as being noticeable in these broadcasted projections of an individual’s psyche made; relatable.
Philosophy is a seeking that of course, not all of us are inclined toward the deeper processes available to us within it.
However, in learning how to better engage with the universe, Both inside and outside of ourselves, With which ever boundaries remain will do so as the necessary frontiers under which wisdom is to be contained.
I believe that the goal here is health, of our specific “human “organism just as much as it is of the entire ecology. Jeopardised by malpractice and confusion, interpret that as you will.
Knowledge supports wisdom and wisdom is the primary faculty of progress
Guillermo O.C i did noticed this
I get teary-eyed when he mentions that the only way to really change these things is to go in your own mind and reprogram your brain acknowledge your past and fix it. It just makes me credibly happy that we can do this to ourselves
That's pretty much what you've got to do . But sometimes you need professional help depending on individual circumstances .
me too
SHOUT OUT TO THE ANIMATION ARTIST. This is so well done. I really enjoy this!
It's so smooth!
kinda freaky characters tho lol
If success to you is money, power, popularity, and adoration then you will never truly have lasting self worth. These things are fleeting and superficial, and placing your self worth in them is a setup for tragedy when they go away.
True self worth lies in several things
1. Accurate self insight (the ability to know if you really are achieving the following things and not just pretending you are)
2. Empathy
3. Compassion
4. Willingness to listen (so you know what the people you care about want and need)
5. Humility
6. Courage to stand up to those that would hurt others (emotionally or psychologically mostly, but physically if possible)
7. Loyalty
8. Forgiving nature
9. Ability to admit when wrong and genuinely apologize for it
If you are striving to achieve these things in earnest, keep it up!
-Reputations are what people think you are. Dwelling on your reputation is simply ego and arrogance.
True self worth based on the above criteria, evaluated internally cannot be taken from you
I read and agree with things similar to this all the time. Yet, It rings so true in your simple outline. Copying and pasting it for a friend now. thanks....
+thersten Thank you for your kind words, so glad to hear they resonated with you 😁
thank you
10. And to accept who you are.
Exactly what I needed, thank you! :D
If you're reading this, here's some love ❤ in case you need it
Much appreciated.
+One Thou Wou lmao, love nonetheless.
Thanks buddy, love to you too
Thank you, here's some for you: ❤❤
So sweet and thoughtful. Thank you. xxxxx
Ok NOW will you get in the robot, Shinji?
lol, good one
This. Made my day (night).
Rich34275 I know that time zone discrepancy feel bro.
lol great one
Gendo is kinda the best dad ever.
Gendo: "'Sup, son? I want you to pilot this giant robot. And live with this smoking hot chick. And this one. Feisty redheads not your thing? Then check out this super submissive hottie. We order them in bulk."
Shinji: "I HATE YOU, DAD!"
I don't give a shit about achievements, impressing people or possession. My problem is that I was severely abused as a kid. Not only did I get regular beatings but my parents never really gave me the emotional support or guidance. I also was shamed and punished a lot in school growing up by bully teachers (who the fuck bullies small kids?). All this snowballs and you grow up BECOMING the shame. You have a warped image of who you are. My whole adult life has been a struggle to try and reverse all the physical and emotional abuse. I also had shitty friends, who, I think I unconsciously gravitated towards because they were a lot like me. So, here I am at 36 and been alone my whole adult life. No family or friends. I do ok for myself, I got a biology degree, work at a nature preserve, have my own apartment etc. I did what I could to survive. But I don't really live or feel good about myself inside. It feels like there's this huge chunk missing in life. I have a lot of feelings of deep sadness, shame, loneliness and fear. But I just stuff it down to get through the day.
I try extremely hard to live somewhat of a normal life but it is a constant battle. I know others from abusive backgrounds who become alcoholics, drug addicts, criminals, etc, or even kill themselves. I could easily do the same but I feel like I have a much higher pain threshold than some people. I had a best friend who had a similar life as me and he's an alcoholic and homeless now. I can't help him I have to watch my own ass. Thoughts of suicide come and go because of the frustration and loneliness. But I feel like i have suffered so much I deserve to feel good and have nice things one day. I already spent time on the streets and even in jail. I just don't understand people who have had the supportive family and still act like their lives are shitty. No matter how logical I feel, no matter what I obtain, etc, it doesn't change the pain from the abuse and shaming I have experienced and that is the hardest and most frustrating thing. I really don't know how I manage to live. If you an adult survivor of abuse you will understand.
RegainingLife Try these 2 things for a month:
1. Nofap
2. Mindfulness meditation
Then, come back in a month and tell us how you feel.
*****
Ok
RegainingLife
Perfect! Thanks for accepting the challenge.
*****
Starting tomorrow.
RegainingLife
Great! Lets start together tomorrow then! I'll be back here in a month.
The problem is that as humans we have a tendency to look at what others do. Too much emphasis is placed on what a person have done or accomplished and what society says is achievements. We should not be placed in the same categories as others, because we are all different. So the catechist is to be reflective towards loving and accepting ones self. Love yourself unconditionally. Its okay to be imperfect in this imperfect world. Stop looking for others to validate us. Only you can make yourself happy in this crazy world. Nurturing yourself is vital. Put yourself first before others, not in a selfish way, but in a nurturing way; improve positively upon yourself. Positive human beings reflect both positive energy and self esteem. Just my opinion.
ElusvOptmst1 I have the same opinion :) Living with noble values, respect, listening to yourself, your body and mind, your envies, your curiosity, what you like, what do you want to create, to see, to experience, for me this is my way to live with peace of mind.
I knew the commentary section is more useful for a project than Google articles! Man of culture
Thanks for sharing your opinion.
you know what's weird is i don't, at least consciously, look at other people as a guide for how i should be, and yet still don't feel happy with myself. its more like i just assume based on my distant past or storylines i've imagined that i'm not cool or good enough, and therefore shouldn't bother. i don't like me, therefore others don't and won't, so i have to learn to like myself, and supposedly that'll bring people to me
understanding psychology is comforting and frightening
Low self esteem = extreme self-consciousness = overdeveloped superego = an overcritical (perfectionist) parent
"extreme self-consciousness" - as you put it - does not always mean you get an "overdeveloped superego". Quite the opposite can happen when you are extremely self-conscious. Instead of developing a (too) strong ego, oftentimes you talk yourself down. You know, make yourself smaller than you are.
+overTIMe It's the oveedeveloped superego that does that, crush the ego, hence the low ego.
yeghor Ok then, I guess I didn't get your point in the first place.
Im with Richard Bandler on this one; people dont run on steam. Besides, if self-esteem is the result of a judgement (comparison to others status and capability or achievement) then, its farcical as both the person with high self-esteem and low-self-esteem are equally unqualified of making such a judgement. In this sense, its just a matter of opinion; this seems reasonable from the point of view that opinion is expression of self-belief. And theres only one person who cares about your opinion...and thats 'you'. In the end then, what does it matter? Best just not to have an opinion and feel good for no reason. Life is shit, and anyone who tells 'you' different has something to sell you. Sigh...but then, how much can be covered in a 5 minute video.
+gepisar superego has its internal standards (passed on by overcritical parent) that it uses to judge the ego (performance of the person).
I'm surprised there was no mention of how the statuses of different siblings was not brought up.
I guess siblings and relatives could be counted as peers.
+jaggo84 I just think that if one has siblings that seem more successful than another and also if they perceive the parent to care for your sibling more than you, then it could cause low self esteem in a way that differs from that of a peer.
while I don't know if it's "different" it does cause low self esteem. My brother graduated from university and managed to climb his way to a highfalutin job in new york, and my father always seems to be more proud of his achievements over mine. That could also be a reason why I work so hard on my grades in my classes now, because I want my father to be proud of me too.
the middle brother is the one who gets compared and apart the most by the parents
Oh yeah, one night I had a cousin breaking down on my mother telling her how she feels inadequate compared to her siblings who seem to be more successful with marriage and life generally. To the point she pressured my mother to tell her the "truth" if she's actually not her parents' blood child. My poor simpleton, religious mother confusedly tried to convince her that she is no one's bastard and that my mother was there when my cousin was born in the hospital and all.
Its odd to be social. Growing-up I never had an idol, someone to look up to, role-model. I never compare myself. Its odd because so many others have this race going on. When someone compliments or puts me down, I don't really know how to respond. I don't care about who I am or who you are. To be nothing is comforting.
E.T. You semi sound like a zombie 🧟♂️ right?
Damn man really like your type of nihilism haha
The feels .....highly relatable
It's like I'm sorta detached from things and that oblivious Ness is soothing almost like a friend you could always rely on
This strucks me hard
You should read Albert Camu's works.
That's why therapy is so important for some.
I have high self esteem. My mom gives me unconditional love and she makes
Me feel like I can do anything.
how? i have low self esteem im still depend on mom and dad, how do you handle situations in life?
it's wonderful to read a comment like this in a world where people are so unconscious about their self worth :)
I have low self esteem and my mom gives me conditional love and I'm just a kid :(
Reading this made me smile. I'm happy for you
Same , beyond grateful for my supportive mom❤️
dude, I don't know if you guys will ever read this, but thanks to your videos I've got learn more in the last two days, than in the las twenty seven years of my life. My soul has healed so much, thanks to the philosophical endeavors engaged by you. Heart on hand: Thank you guys, please keep going.
Now I will go ahead and ask you guys to add the work of Hannah Arendt to the "Politic Theory" playlist, or philosophy, what ever accrues by de diversity of the topic. The reason I think she is to be amongst such distinguished names is because she points out brightly where the constitutionalists and totalitarians notoriously clash. I'd love to collaborate in the subject, I have a couple of insights of where they are dialectically bonded, I mean in the Heggelian way, of course there should be at least another dozen of authors that should be thrown in, there'll be a time for it.
Good vibes.
Hand on heart*
Mariluz Garcia m
The likes on this comment keep going up and down
" Comparison is the thief of all joy "
I thought "envy" was .
True words
1. My dad has not done anything amazing, my family is an average middle class one
2. I'm not aware of any of my high school classmates, or anyone else I know, having done anything amazing. I'm ahead of a lot of them just by the fact I can afford to live alone.
3. Though my parents emphasized success in school, I never had reason to worry their love was dependent on those outcomes.
And yet 0:42 describes me perfectly. I feel like I have wasted my potential and I sometimes feel convinced I haven't earned the right to even exist. So where does that come from then?
my parents' love felt very conditional. when i had a fever as a baby my mom snapped and yelled at me because my crying interrupted her sleep. my mom would withdraw her love like this whenever I would act slightly out of line, whenever i would express any amount of anger or sadness, or when i didnt live up to her unreachable standards. what kind of a parent does that? and what kind of a person stands by and lets it happen? other people in my family never stood up to her when it mattered. my childhood gave me a shit ton of anxiety, neuroticism and self esteem issues to deal with. and it made me obsessed with validation from other people. money. sex. status. external approval. some days even talking to people feels impossible because my fear of not being liked is oftentimes worse than my fear of death. when other people dont like me it feels like the end of the world. because when i was a kid, not getting approval from my parents did mean the end of my world.
and sometimes i take my inner hate out on other people. ironically i've been a parasite to the actual good people in my life. i can't trust my instincts anymore. it feels like i was robbed of living a happy life, but i'm on the journey of self improvement now. im learning to love myself and love others and be the parent to myself that i never had. ive taken shrooms, ive taken lsd and i have done a lot of thinking about my life. and i know what enlightenment feels like now. self improvement is a process. all we have to do is hold on
Your comment made me cry
My mom is kind of like that too
:\ she didn't care much for me when I was a baby
My parents didn't even want to have me :\ so I wasn't rly a planned kid
I have a brother one year older
So when I was born he was little too
My mom would always stay with him and care for him
But they would just leave me alone in a room when I was a baby
I turned 14 on summer and the lack of love from my mom is still the same
My mom loves my brother much more
When my brother is being mean or annoying to me I will sometimes be angry and scream
Then she will hit me and take my phone away
:\
About my dad
He is always at work
Ye so I never did activities with my dad or had fun with him
Cuz he was never there and won't be
I don't like my life
I sometimes see no one at the mirror
I count myself 0,
Sad to say this, but you can't be your own parent. There are others who can sort of become a substitute, but the scars from a ruined childhood never really heal.
And therapy also helps🙂
Dad stopped talking to me when I was a teenager. I stopped talking to him too. We went months and then years.
He was angry with me but didn't I know what it was about He was banking on the fact that I was gonna be a dead beat when I grow up. He force me to go to work on holidays. Planning out my dead beat life when I was inevitablely gonna fail at school, a small phone shop at the corner of a small town.
Turns out I got good grades. Suddenly the golden boy, shower me with attention which I never got. But I didn't know what to do at college so I dropped out. I'm basically dead to him now. Won't even look me in the eye. I furfilled his prediction. 31, still live at home, living of the family business, jobless and single.
I don't think I'll be going to his funeral. He is a drunk, makes my mom do all the work, verbally abusive. Self worth is basically in the gutters. Hate myself as much as I hate him. But its true, all we have to do is hold on. Even when people say you're useless right to your face.
Every one is unique, therefore we all should esteem ourselves that we are unique individuals. However, We should not esteem ourselves so much that we accidentally,without knowing it, 'cross the borders' of self-esteem and occur in Egoism or the worst - Narcissism.
Narcissism is an extreme way of coping with really low self esteem. Putting oneself above all others and using manipulation etc to control... Narcissist don't believe anyone can really love them deep down and hence will do everything in their power to prove themselves correct. It's unfortunately a result very bad experiences during childhood.
+Victoria Shi I'm such a narcissist I see even my narcissism as a good trait.
It's pretty dope.
+Sheila Blouin Mhmm...Interesting.Could we call them Übermensch or Narcissists?
Well, this about everyone's uniqueness is exaggerated. Most people have more than common thoughts and characteristics.
+Sheila Blouin it's true, they are looking for admiration and live in a way they know how, but deep down have no real love for anyone, including themselves and believing in no real affection from anyone. Though there is a difference where some are just psychopaths or sociopaths. Many narcissist unfortunately are sociopaths.
Self Esteem has proven to be one of the most challenging things for me to build. I'm not saying that it is utterly dismal, but considering all that is my life, I should be much more confident in myself. Ironically, I think that it is low self esteem that has been the biggest cause of my more recent failings. Seems like a bit of a vicious cycle.
Anyway, internet. Thank you for letting me confide in you.
Me too
You are not alone.
Thats precisely the difficulty with self-esteem. High self-esteem individuals tend to act in line with their values, which subsiquently raises their self-esteem even higher.
On the other hand low self-esteem individuals tend to self-sabotage, acting against what they know to be right, which lowers their feeling of self worth even further.
What I found is that putting a consious effort into managing the psychological drivers of self-esteem is a far better stratagy than simply working harder for a better car, building a bigger business or looking for validation in friends and lovers--as all these things will inevitably leave you feeling just as hollow as when you started striving for them.
I recommend 'How to raise your Self-esteem' by Nathanial Brandon if you have issues with your parents/childhood, as it has a sort of self-therapy strategy that can profoundly change your life--as it did for mine.
However if you are looking for a more general guide of the actions you can take to feel worthy of living, have a look at 'Six Pillars of Self-Esteem' which is also by Nathanial Brandon.
impressive vocabular.
+50 Respect earned
I'm afraid I can't agree with this wholly. I get the vibe that this video's script was produced by somebody who indeed falls under the "underachiever versus parents" to "requiring parents' approval" category. That isn't the be-all and end-all. Not only has my dad always been working class, but he also never gave a shit about me. As a child I never felt there was any reason to strive for success since I had nobody to show my achievements to. He simply never paid attention, and my mother wasn't much better. So, who did I have to turn to? The few friends I had, I suppose. They did happen to receive their parents' praise and get better grades, and I compared myself to them, thus lowering my self-esteem. There is no exact science to this. Low self-esteem can occur at both ends of the spectrum, and any point in-between.
I heard an interview with Alain de botton (The speAker), where he spoke about his father who put enormous effort into floating the company he started. He toiled away and eventually he was extremely successful financially. I think it was a podcast interview as is probably still available. I listened to it ages ago, but I remember it gave huge insight Into alain's work ethic, what motivates him and his own self esteem.
Emotional neglect is real, and so are emotionally neglectful parents. A lot of parents don't know what to expect from themselves, and thus they don't know what to expect from you. They get married maybe more of because social tradition. They pressure themselves with the question "if they could do as good as other people" instead of "if they personally should or need". Basically not everyone is an expert at being a parent and not all parents are child psychologists who know how to raise a mentally satisfied child. This is just how I feel about my own parents. I just wanna tell you that I'm glad I'm not alone.
Even being absent is an action, that may have caused a reaction in your emotional outcome and overall selfesteem (that's what hapened to me but i only discovered it a couple of years ago, so i make actions to change that result).
i don't understand what you dont get when all of your traits are covered in the video
I agree with you that this video is not a one-size-fits-all solution however, i think that you can only put so much information in a 5 minute video. Besides, i hope you're not missing the point for the majority of this channel's videos that they provide awareness and hope to steer people on the right track by creating these videos. I think the main point specifically in this video is that self-esteem is to come in terms with yourself about your past, the factors that you grew up with, and has little to do with financial status, achievements, etc. It wasn't specifically for "under achiever versus parents" but more of as a direct example that maybe a lot of people relate to. You are right that it can go at both ends and your experience can be what they used as an example, they just didn't.
"every time someone who went to school was does better, a small part of us will die" I don't know why exactly, but that made me LOL.
The Antidote by Oliver Burkeman was a life-changing book for me. One of the topics it covers is self-esteem and this passage in particular changed my mindset like nothing else... “Or consider the fraught topic of self-esteem. We tend to assume that having high self-esteem is a good thing, but some psychologists have long suspected that there might be something wrong with the whole notion - because it rests on the assumption of a unitary, easily identifiable self. Setting out to give your ‘self’ one universal positive rating may in fact be deeply perilous. The problem lies in the fact that you’re getting into the self-rating game at all; implicitly, you’re assuming that you are a single self that can be given a universal grade."
"The single greatest determinate of how much you will esteem yourself is how you compare with your same sex parent." What if I have never had a same sex parent. I'm an 18 year old guy who has never had a father. What now?
***** I guess that, because I never had a father, I don't feel as if I have anything to surpass. This can be a double edged sword. I will always be content but I may never strive for something bigger.
Thank you replying btw, love the channel
Do you think maybe you have found fleeting examples of father-figures in your lifetime? Maybe a teacher or a friend? How has your relationship with them been?
rad_woah My father figure was my television. That definitely did not create a stable person
im 21 and grew up under very similar circumstances (without a father figure). i cannot deny the void that may leave behind, with regards to a lack of guidance crucial to adolescence and every stepping stone that could exist prior. but you're right, i do relate to that being a double-edged sword. it leaves so much room for influence. i only hope that the influences you have encountered were positive & will benefit you and your choices in a fulfilling, 'void-filling' way.
I don't quite have a father figure in my childhood either. But I guess it is why I often take various authoritative figures (e.g. professors) as my father figures on the subconscious level, and secretly crave for their approvals. That puts my self-esteem on a pretty precarious basis but those from whom I seek approval usually do not care about me a lot. Sometimes there were even outright disapprovals and lack of sympathy.
Honestly, these 5-10 minute videos have helped me more than years of therapy sessions. I don't know how I should feel about that, but... Thank you.
I still don't understand what I need to do to fix my low self esteem
AWBbox You need to convince yourself that your worth is not determined by how much money you have, how much love you received from your parents or how popular/rich/significant you are compared to your friend group. You need to convince yourself that despite any of that, you are special and you matter. That is where true happiness lies.
@@chelseaclark-martin6357 Very strongly put and I agree with 95% of your message. "Special" on the other hand is not needed to believe in. That's the ego (the ego is negative) although we need a little to survive (but that kicks in automatically the moment it is needed). If we all believed we are "special" we would be living in a narcissistic world.
@AWBbox You are who you are, but that doesn't mean you cannot be better than who you were yesterday, or you cannot be better than your opponent. If you do what feels right for you and follow your inner voice (and we all have those, but some are very muted and we need to listen to it more closely) you can be more content with yourself, thus (maybe) have (more) self esteem.
MUT Thanks for responding. I would disagree with your bit about being special. I think it needs to be broken down a bit further for you to understand what I mean. I’m not saying you have to believe you are extraordinary, but you do have to believe in your own unique "specialness" and understand that you are unlike any one else in this world and because of that and for many other reasons, you are worthy. Ego or not, that will help your self esteem. - You also mentioned being better than your opponent. In my opinion, viewing the world with other people as your opponents will always lead to low self esteem. You will never fully win in anything! There will always be someone chasing your coattails ready to knock you out of your "winning" position. True happiness is found when you change your mental framework and view yourself as your only opponent, not others. Cheers 🥂
Chelsea Clark-Martin But compared to the huge universe, how can I convince myself I am special. I am just a little ant
Stop comparing yourself to others would be a start.
"Never quite trusting that they really deserve to exist"
*I'm wheezing why is this ME*
Yeah, that's a good line.
I adore how the second word in the name of this channel is what causes 75% of low self-esteem effects.
Why do you 'adore' it?
being the youngest of four in my family with all talented achieving siblings, I was largely ignored in all honesty growing up. But my imagination and ability to be by myself has carried me so far that I don't regret things like I used to related to my childhood. Excellent video. love "school of life" so much.
I too was the youngest , but only had 1 brother.
Being the one who failed/went to summerschool alot and having a brother who judged me for everything I was and downright bullied me caused me to lose touch of my originality, personality and character. I had little to no friends ever since my breaking point. Most of my adolecence was attempting to regain pieces of the lost puzzle. Now I'm not sure what the outcome was.
I remember as a kid, in elemtary school, our counceler would bring us candy. I was always coincidentaly one of the last in line. Seeing there was only two left and one of them being realy nasty and the other being apple (or something good) Knowing behind me was one last kid in the row, I always took the worst candy and in exchange let the kid in back have the good one. During Physical Education, After a long run we would all take a break next to the water fountain which was always packed, each of us getting in line. When it was my turn I always remember looking back, seeing a lot of kids in line real thirsty, I being thirsty as well and then taking only a sip of water so that the kids that were next could get their fill before the bell rung.
Small things like that were the building blocks of my personality and character.
hahahaha
i relate to this so much
Usually the youngest received more love from the family so the youngest does not have the need to study or work hard. That’s why the oldest child always has high achievement
Mriku Yes the youngest are easily boiled and there is another reason. They usually need to take least responsibility for their behaviors. Usually if they argue with their older brother, parents will think it’s the mistake of older child even though it’s actually the fault of youngest child . So when youngest child grow up, they will probably act without considering consequences
If you feel like you're not enough, just remember that the only one person in love who is ever gonna care about what you do is yourself. If you come to terms with who you are and realize the real life limitations you just happened to be born into, it'll be easier to love yourself
So... My father has never really amounted to much. For much of my childhood, he was homeless, in fact. I was raised primarily by my mother, who gave me unconditional love, no matter how well I did in school, but every father figure I've had has never quite been happy about my achievements. I would consider myself to have low self esteem, I don't think I'm good enough for any woman, even if they tell me that they love me, or how good of a person I am. I'm confused at why this is, as I was and am so loved by my mother.
help?
It may be because your mother seems so perfect in your mind that you can't imagine deserving a woman that loves you unconditionally like her, even when raising you alone. I can't truly be sure, but you're probably comparing yourself and your own failures to an angelic stereotype, failing to notice that everyone has flaws and just wants to be accepted.
Hope this helps.
the few facts that you mentioned do not define you. life & psychology even, is much more complex. talk to a therapist. realistically challenge your beliefs, work on your personality, seek growth and move in a positive direction. We all have times when we lack self esteem. Focus too much on the negative and that's all you will see. See your positives and focus on those. That's my advice.
I just recently read a quote that instantly boosted my self esteem. It said, "you were born to be real, not perfect". (read that again!) since most of us deal with the inner conflict of being enough vs. perfect, this quote made me realise that if we were born to be real, that means we were meant to have our own 'realities' obviously. However, since everyone has a different 'reality' then we ought to not just celebrate and be entitled to it but also showcase our version of reality so that someone else could get inspiration from it..therefore, ur realities also matter, so does your struggle and hardships. they're not to be felt ashamed of, but a stepping stone to show someone else how its managed.
This thought is so liberating!
Tracing back the roots of all my adult life problems, only thing in the end i realised is that I had a terrible childhood, I grew up with lack of affection, had a judgmental mother and relatives who colour shamed me, which totally ruined my self esteem. now as an adult I struggle a lot with self hatred and crippling social anxiety.
How do u go abt this? Did you got to know any solution out of this? Even i faced a bad childhood.
@@kajalwaghresha3786 by reading self help books i came to realise we try to fit within what we are told. i would suggest reading six pillars of self esteem book. it had contributed a lot to who i am as a person now.
solution : well, i still struggle with anxiety and feelings of not being good enough, but at the end of the day, it just passes on, i am slowly becoming comfortable in who i am. only way i found is self acceptance and trying to forgive what it was and moving on with a positive outlook.
@@cupcakee22 okayyy i am glad u replied ,was searching for answers ,thank you so much .
@@kajalwaghresha3786 you're welcome 😊👍
@@cupcakee22 you yours case is all most similar to me(~70%) due to which I also suffer issues same like you...hope we both come up with this
This channel is literally therapy for me. Thanks guys... I really mean it, you guys changed the way I looked at things and truly made me have a sense of where I'm going or what and why I'm feeling certain things. Simply thanks.
Your videos are like consulting the oracle.☺
Could you please do one on Yin and Yang?
+The School of Life Thanks for all your work.
Cant wait to grow up and work for the School of Life 😏🙌
+upcauseway wait is it possible to work for the school of life?
+Paloma Eskobar haha I don't have a clue... but I want to!
+The School of Life Oh, and please do Blaise Pascal!
you totally missed the point of the video watch it again
comparing oneself to anyone only has two results, “i am worse than this person” or, more frighteningly, “i am better than this person” while in this comment section, i noticed that a good majority believed that to build one’s self esteem, one must compare themselves to another, whether it be a past version of themselves, or someone else entirely. to compare oneself in a better light than the other, builds up not good self-esteem, but pride. it feels a lot better than its negative counterpart, but is wrong nonetheless. to compare oneself in a worse light than the other, doesn’t only take one’s self esteem down a bracket, but also one’s self worth. in short, all comparison is bad. this video stabs at that idea here and there, especially regarding the peer groups and parental income theory, but never quite 100% addresses comparison and its faults. now moving on to the past self aspect of comparison, which i find this to be foolish in its entirety, mostly because of comparison’s inherit nature, but also because not everyone’s past self is consistently worse than their present self. so please, love yourself for who you are, not who you are according to a homeless man or jeff bezos.
wow. thank you for this, such a beautiful mind.
Self Esteem is the CORE of self confidence.
Couldnt agree more
I think the problem with having low self esteem is that people don't respect us if we can't respect ourselves. The disinterest that people show just makes us question our self worth even more, which starts the whole vicious cycle again. So the important thing is to practise loving ourselves a bit more every day, which is what I'm trying to do, to convince myself that I am as worthy a human as anyone else. Being selfish is actually essential to the well being of people with low self esteem, but too many people do it too well, often at the expense of someone else's happiness, even if happiness is not mutually exclusive most of the time.
The school of life is such a change of pace to most media outlets. The pessimissm it brings really is truth and helps much more than all this feel-good motivational shit we see in most places.
If Evangelion has taught me anything, it's that you're not perfect, but you need to come to terms with those flaws if you ever want to love yourself.
Great point!
Spot-on! You confirmed 100% what I always thought and felt about self esteem, while handing out some very important pieces to complete the "jigsaw puzzle".
.
You are addressing this very important issue the exact right way! Finally! Thanks for that!
And yes: I did throw that class reunion invitation (from long ago)straight to the trash and felt good about it.
I think having good friends in life is a huge part of being confident about ourselves because you know whatever you do, you will still be loved and cherished by your closed ones. One of things I find in common with depressed individuals or people with substance abuse issues is that they didn't have close friends in their childhood. In fact, even one close friend will do. Someone who accepts you for who you are. I derive a good amount of self validation and confidence from my beloved friends and their love have always been a life saving boat in the times when I really question my self worth. Just knowing that you matter to at least someone can be very uplifting.
I really related with the parent aspect. But I am lucky to have had at least one parent (my mother) who loved me unconditionally whereas for my dad, it was always important that I do well, and not only do well but come first in everything. I have a lot to heal from because of the impossible standards he set for me. After a certain age I just refused to achieve these standards and learnt to say - No thank you. I am glad I did that. But this conditioning made failure tremendously difficult for me to accept. Even now when I understand embracing failure is just as important as embracing success, setbacks still affects my self worth. He never appreciated crying or showing vulnerability and that has very negatively affected me in my life. I find it tremendously difficult to cry even in front of people I feel closest to and I tend to distance myself in my moments of vulnerability in relationships. It is important to be aware of these tendencies to start healing yourself. But I will say acknowledgement is the very first step.
My self esteem issues all stem from childhood trauma I was neglected, physically abused and humiliated for other peoples enjoyment not only at home but by other relatives, people and in school, I know there are some of you who can relate, i believe you, I believe in you, I love you, it’s hard to be us to be the one left out, it’s hard to feel like you’ve never been human but you are, you can be made to feel complete you are worthy of love and compassion, I love you all.
I really like this art style.
so do i!
I don’t know why watching this made me cry hit a sensitive spot
Because of low self esteem life sucks for u feeling bad...🤧🤧🤧
@@roshanbogati6900 clearly life sucks for u too to feel the need to online troll strangers that u don’t know and didn’t hurt 😢
this doesn't seem to apply for me. my parents are nothing (really, they have no profession and work for others). my friends... they all achieved less than me, i was the only one to get into med school. my childhood instead... i dont know if it was more of unconditional love or conditional love. yet i hate my self. and i think the reason is society and their standards. why didnt you talk about that? thanks. as always amazing video
watch fight club
+iamdoom .lloyd i have watched that movie at least a 100 times, amazing movie and yes it shows my point at its finest
+The School of Life first time you answer and this is my first comment making a bad critic. damn i feel bad haha, but yes, society seems to me like the big monster.
food for thought: Consider three simple rules as follows: 1. Fly at the same speed as the average of your closest neighbours. 2. Fly equidistant to all neighbours. 3. Within the constraints of 1 & 2, fly in the direction of the center of mass of all others who are flying... what do you get? A swarm. From a distance, the swarm looks like it has purpose and organisation... but it doesn't; its just an emergent phenomenon. You hate yourself? Congrats! Welcome! So many of us do, but, the best thing is... no one judges you for it, and if they do, its only because they havent dared to take the joy in self-loathing. I say this not to be cruel or condescending, but life IS cruel irony, dont you think? This is normal. For me, it comes down to utility. Does it serve you or not? Does it get you what you need? If so, keep doing it; if not, get bored of it and hate something else... .;-)
so how do we overcome this if we relate to all 3 factors? Are we just doomed to have low self esteem forever?
'Knowing they once mattered immeasurably'. That's something we never think about, how much joy we brought to our parents getting raised.
My parents said something to me that I'll never forget. You can be anything and do anything as long as you're happy and not taking at the expense of others, then we really don't mind what you do with your life. For me, this removed a lot of pressure. There was and is nothing wrong with living modestly at all. They didn't care if I did better or worse that them, all that mattered to them was that I was happy, and that's all that should matter to anyone. You're allowed to do only what's most comfortable to you, if it makes you happy. I do struggle a little with the peer side, but not because I think they are better or worse than me. I don't care if someone I know is rich or poor, it's entirely based on if I can really connect with them, which has proven the need to step out of that comfort zone a little at times.
My mom never loved me and she abandoned me for her friends.
And when I showed her my wife and kids she acted like a nanny goat.
And don't want to see her grandkids.
(This Really Happened).
Dad: degree in mechanical engineering and a MBA, both full ride scholarships
Me: just finishing my undergrad degree in biology after 8 years, lots of debt, no job offers.....
Are you your dad?
Did you manage to get a job? I hope you did. But the truth in life is that some people are just lucky. Coincidences line up for them, allowing them to become what they are. Good looks, intelligence coupled with motivation, wealthy parents? All luck. Everyone can put in hard work but not everyone can be a winner.
@@FrostyAUT read Outliers by malcolm gladwell. A very interesting book on a similar subject.
School of Life: Your videos have changed my outlook on many things. It's really excellent to see these videos and their perspectives, even on things I am already familiar with like the literature videos you make. Thank you so much for them. They have really improved my life, at a time when I am dealing with a lot of self doubt and depression, these videos offer me a way to feel as though I am learning something. And, even in a small way, changing my perspective.
I think that self-esteem is about protecting yourself from your own negative thoughts. Thanks for this video, It helps me to understand myself better.
I’m 30 and I’m still trying to around what feeds well in my mind. It’s all about positive thoughts.
I had a shitty childhoolod, I am a high school dropout, my parents always underestimated my achievements, everytime I did bad they told me I could've done better, and everytime I did good they used it as proof that I can do better, and that I should put more effort into my life. At age 17 I was in the worst moments of my life, constantly depressed and anxious, every day I would wake up feeling a hole in my gut, and I would drag myself to highschool feeling like life was hell.
One day I dropped out of school, my parents were shocked and blamed me for it, my answer was simple, "idgaf what you think, if you want to kick me out of the house do so, from now on I'm gonna focus on improving my self, my life, how I feel about myself, I want to love myself, I don't want to hear no more bullshit from disturbed people no more, and I'm goint to succceed."
I studied NLP, linguistics, how beliefs work, neural myelination, meditation, I changed my belief of failure for feedback, that everything in life is a step towards my goal of feeling adequate, good, snug in myself, comfortable in my own skin. When people came to bullshit me, I would turn around and leave for a walk.
Today I feel like a success. Im not the fittest, Im not the most attractive, but I feel like I achieved my goal in life, and everything from now on is surplus. I laugh, I have stopped searching for a fix to my problems, cos I feel like I don't have any no more, just challenges that are fun to overcome. I don't feel like anyone is above or below me, I think that from the president of the USA to that bum in the corner, we are all people in this universe we don't fully understand. I am happy.
One day I told myself "How should I live life so that if I have to live for eternity I would have a good time?" And I constructed my life around that idea.
Would you say Facebook's main utility is an attempt to gain self esteem/confidence through comparing yourself with your "peers"?
multiple studies have linked facebook with depression
It used to be the case. Now, people compare themselves on Instagram (personal life, looks, followers and likes) and LinkedIn (diplomas, job, skills, endorsements, network and likes).
it's main utility is to link people who will naturally attempt to gain self esteem which establishes a false high standard of living; therefore spurring high economic activity and boosting the economy in general.
Its the opposite, for 1 simple fact. The only time it would be in your favour is ifyoure actualy the most succesful one in your peer group, but there could only be one, so chances are youre not, so no, thats not the aim of Facebook.
***** well, the person might be biased towards themselves.
Those who have overly high self esteem have superiority complex.
Is that where they think they are better than everyone else?
I agree with @maymaylingling. Those people are often afraid to acknowledge their flaws.
Or they might just be better than you.
Yeah, might!
Those who have overly low self esteem have an inferiority complex...
This video teaches us how important it is to respect ourselves and realize who we truly are.It is high time that we stop comparing ourselves with others and start treating ourselves with more love and compassion. Finding inner peace and happiness is much more important than having good grades,good jobs and a luxurious lifestyle.We must learn to like ourselves,take decisions on our own and explore the natural wonders of life.We must be ready to take challenges in life,try to gain more knowledge without fear of competition and losing out on things.These factors are critical to our overall growth and development not only as a professional but also a human being.We must learn that having the best jobs,cars and house wont give us satisfaction and eternal happiness.We must realize our identify,our upbringing and what our purpose is.We can be content with the smallest of things in life. The happiest and most motivated person may not be the most wealthy or powerful.They are confident and motivated in life as they are able to achieve their realistic and short term goals.
Self-esteem is our idea of our own basic worth, and is often rooted in our childhood when our sense of value was associated with the positive regards of others, or linked with our achievements. As we move into adulthood, we may accomplish much yet feel dissatisfied because our self-esteem still depends on our next success, or failure. Life seems like a treadmill, lacking in real excitement or purpose.
People with high self esteem are always confident,positive minded and motivated in life.They always find positivity even in the darkest of times.“We need to love ourselves in order to feel good about who we are. This love is called self-esteem. Self-respect is the gateway to self-esteem. When we make good choices in life to do what is right over what is easy, over that which only makes us look good, we gain self-respect…
When we don’t make the right choice, its because we are not full and complete in ourselves. We are either giving in to a body impulse or an ego drive. A body impulse can be overeating or sleeping in excess. An ego drive can run the gambit from making a joke at someone’s expense to working to buy a car that you cannot afford. And what happens when we do this? We get angry at ourselves…
Our respect for ourselves, in short, determines the amount of respect we crave from others and our need to push for control and dominance. We all give in to our body and our ego sometimes. But depending on how frequently and recently we did that, depending on the overall proportion of giving in to taking charge, that is the key to our response to outside conflict…
When we are in a situation where we feel disrespected , it causes a negative response because the outside world, through our ego, is our only source of psychological support or nourishment. The more a person is in control of himself, the greater his self-respect and the higher his self-esteem. And vice versa.”
Good choices leading to self-respect leading to positive self-esteem is a path worth following. And I don’t think any self-respecting social scientist would disagree with the wisdom of making good choices. But there is still room to discuss what constitutes making the right choices.
Those principles also play a BIG role in the background and outbreak of Narcissistic and Borderline personality disorders. I knew several inhuman beings with those "blessings" and all of them had same background and circumstances as was stated in the video.
“Desperately trying to put out the raging fires of self-hatred”
Bruh
The great prophet of post-modern society speaks again. thanks for your videos. keep it up
yes so true! Those poor, poor rich guys :(
Uh-huh . Life in the post-modern with covid isn't easy for anyone .
regardless of self-esteem level .
This is a gross over simplification of a very complicated psychological problem that often arises from a much deeper level than just "what did our parents do for a living" or how much love you received as a child. I don't agree with this video.
wjatevrr Consider these videos as just the tip - you're encouraged to go further but these are a good starting point.
Of course this is true. I think the school of life does this a lot. They show us factors of why people act a certain way, but obviously there are many factors of psychology/sociology... free will and mental illnesses and endless cultures etc
Obviously oversimplifications won’t be the exact representation of multifarious things. But I think they are mostly right. Self-esteem is a valuation of the self, and you can only value something by comparison, and there everything lays. I have extremely low self-esteem, but it’s mostly because of my depression. I come from Mexico. Family is everything there. I want to be successful to become the pillar of the family, like my Father or my Maternal Grandma, and help and rule the family, yet I fell into obscurity after giving my graduation speech because I was depressed. I feel weak and worthless, meanwhile they all give me their incondicional love, and I feel I failed myself and everyone expectations. I dropped out and became a ghost of my own self, nothing motivates me. In trying to fix my procrastination I am getting rid of the self-esteem factor, because my other problems grossly simplified are fear and doubt. What are yours?
On the contrary! It’s actually amazingly accurate!! If you looked a bit deeper you could probably sub in everything that contributes to your low self esteem into this wide framework.
Did you expect more from a 5min video?
If I ever get a child I will give him/her all the love they can get from the beginning. I will always make them feel like number one so that they don't have to struggle with questioning their self worth through their whole life. I will literally do everything my parents didnt do
My mom - A banker, work always comes first, husband second, children third. Left her kids almost dying in pneumonia because she had to work that day.
My dad - Nothing is ever good enough, struggling with his own self-esteem. You're only good in his eyes when you've done hard physical job, otherwise you're trash.
My mom is the kind who constantly compares with others - others husbands, others kids. I believe both my dad and me suffer from this. No matter what we achieve or do is never enough for her or the pleasure is so short lived. She never realizes that. Her life is rotating around other people. I can't change her but I ll make sure I don't repeat the same ever.
Love the art!
My dad is good hearted and mediocore I would say. It seem to me as a harsh thing to say, though. It's true that I have a real problem with accepting his way of life. But I don't know to what extent does it backlash to my self-esteem. Guess I'm fine with saying I want to live a better life. As I'm now thinking about it, i'm doing many things I think my dad wouldn't. Living abroad, changing jobs for sake of finding a fullfilling one, learning ways to live my life rather than surviving. I don't know who I am nor what to do but so none else does. Isn't it about how you deal with it? We can keep distracting ourselves or face fact that we have nothing more than a faint idea about anything at all.
What about not comparing yourself to others? Friends, parents, the peer group. If you feel like the unique snow flake, be that way, act that way. If you feel like a part of a group, be that way, act that way.
Doesn't make sense to me, I've had low esteem my whole life, this didn't explain it at all.
What things do you think could explain your low self esteem?
You think you were born with low self- esteem?
@Hinemoa kind of same thing happend to me, teacher told to close the window when i stood up to close the window out of nowhere she told i am good for nothing then she told that im completly useless and im a failure, after that she told to get my dad to come over and talk to her and she told him i was joking while she is explaining the lesson, and i told my dad she is lying he did not beleive me when we got back hom he kicked so hard almost broke my leg one of the worst weeks of my life but that was like 6 or 7 years ago( sorry long comment and broken english)
@Hinemoa wow..i had the same exact experiance with a teacher in 3 or 4 grade,but she hit me,not only mentaly abused 🤔
@Hinemoa thanks man I really appreciate it'
s/o to these videos for literally shaving away layers of self-deprecation and mental grime
I self-loathed myself from childhood to mid teen, I have a low esteem that I do not look at people when passing the hallway, like literally I face to the window or somewhere far away people faces because I felt like they are judging me on the way I look. Slowly I accepted who I am and I can walk with my face straight ahead. And all the negativity I was overthinking on my head led me to good results and achievements when I turned it into positive thoughts.
Finally letting go of shame, conditionality and humiliation. Vincero!
it makes me genuinely happy to see my friends doing well in life. (good jobs, houses, families, etc)... what does this mean?
That you are a great person¡
@@loveyourself6986 you are the world's most loviest and richest person🤗
My self-esteem is just like my group of friends
non-existent
Self-esteem and other human qualities such as happiness, etc., are things that can be improved. However, it's generally a difficult road and requires an effort that may last for years. That's why most people who struggle with these qualities just settle for mediocrity or worse (drug/alcohol addiction, bad relationships, etc.). Someday, the science of psychology may progress to the point where people can improve their human condition quickly and that would be excellent......
I have high self-esteem and pretty much never compare myself to other people. There's always going to be someone out there who is "better than you" in some way. Who cares? Instead of comparing yourself to others, compare yourself to who you were a year ago and focus on becoming a better version of yourself. You'll never be the smartest, most beautiful, wealthiest, whatever, but you can improve in a lot of areas relative to your past self.
Can you remember a time you weren't like this? I'm always interested in others' stories of how they were able to overcome low confidence and start thriving
@@GwunChin This isn't anywhere close to the whole story, but my not comparing myself to others mindset began when I was 15. I was a distance running prodigy, broke many school records, won every local race I ever ran, and was in the top 10 in the nation (US) for my age. Then I found out about a guy named Alan Webb who was so, SO much more talented than I knew I could ever be no matter how hard I worked. It was a hard slap in the face, but it helped me realize that there will always be someone better than you out there in some way. It got me thinking about it more and how meaningless it is to compare yourself to others to feel good for being "better" than others. I decided more and more over the years to just focus on myself, bettering myself, and not really worrying about others at all. People say I come off as extremely confident, but I think it's more just that I don't really care at all about impressing people or not impressing people. I work hard and do the best I can do, but whether that is "better" than others or not is of no concern to me. Cheers.
@@GuppyPal Thanks for sharing, it's so true that however 'good' you think you are, there's always going to be someone else that's better. It can be much more effective to simply focus on becoming a better YOU than the person you were yesterday. Much love.
Self esteem is when you reach the level of not accepting fake anything in life due to original you been keeping yourself up and feel it would devalue you infront of your especially self to act/be like them and dont need more than your own self to provide for yourself whateva and when you feel this way know that you are so fine/healthy/right & God/parents pleased upon you and adores you and both life will always got good things in store for you no matter how dark/harsh it get .
i really like this way of animating it. please send my regards to the animators and ask for more like these square-ish animations
The animation is GOLD! 😂😂😂
unconditional love is the most overrated and damaging thing that anyone could get. The problem is where your parents and peers choose to put the conditions.
The lack of conditionality in the love of a parent, or the aparent lack of it, in certain areas, generates a false security that you can do ANYTHING or behave in any form, and youll still be loved. That leads to many problems: people that reclaim inconditional love usually just want to be able to treat others however they feel like, and behave just how they feel like, not respecting any boundaries and still be loved. " i am this way, you should love like that" Those people often refuse to change their behavior, and puts the burden on the other. There is a healty need of conditions in the love of parent or peers: youll be loved ir you do your best to be the best version of you, youll be loved if you treat others and yourself with respect, and so on. The problem with conditions is when those are the wrong ones: " youll be loved when you meet MY expectations" "youll be loved when you succeed" etc. I hope i make myself clear. Greetings
We learn a lot of things from those who are more experienced than us, especially at young ages. Receiving unconditional love helps us learn how to love ourselves unconditionally. If we learn to get good grades and behave in certain ways in order to be loved when we are young, when we grow up, we chase external evidence such as high status jobs, money, women, heck even love from random strangers (fame) in order to love ourselves (massive generalisation). Unfortunately, humans are social animals and so a lot of our evolution has depended on and will continue to depend on our carers, peers and anyone close to us. And because of that, I would imagine that having a spouse at a later age who loves unconditionally may go in some way to fulfilling the lack of unconditional love at a young age. But how can you do that for someone else when you can't do it for yourself?
Why do you say that unconditional love is overrated and damaging?
There are some great lack self-esteem as a consecuence of an unconditional parent. Because the world rarely reflects the same opinion of you that the unconditional parent. That, far from making the child feel special, just makes him dependant of the unconditional love. Thats common on the parents that puts too much effort on making the kid to feel good about himself no matter what. The kid grows with the idea, that the only person capable to love him/her, is the unconditional parent, but lacks the tools or understanding that the love and the respect have to be earned, and he doesn't know how to do that. That leads to much solitud, pain or the construction of unhealthy relations, with dependence and violence.
I agree with that some parents do put too much effort on making the kid feel good about themselves no matter what. I can imagine how a kid growing up with that type of parent will have the expectation to be 'loved' regardless of their behaviour or awareness of the other person. This, however, is a failure to develop past this stage to stages where they realise love is a two way street, that it is not just about being loved unconditionally but also loving unconditionally, how to love themselves, that love has boundaries and so on. They can also have rather distorted expectations of what 'love' means or looks like to them, which as you pointed out can look more like dependence and associated behaviours (i.e. violence when they don't get what they want). Therefore, I can't agree with you that these consequences are due to unconditional love alone.
Youre right, those consecuences are not due unconditional love alone. The main point im arguing here, is that, in my opinion, unconditional love is NOT a good thing. And that conditions (the right conditions) are needed to a healthy development. In the same way that is not good for anyone to love someone inconditionally. We need to ask for basic conditions, like being respected and well treated in a physical and psichological way. Because that's what shows love for ourselves. That's why i always recommend, that if you encounter a person, or are in a relationship that questions your love for not being inconditional, to analize seriously if that person is not using that idea as an excuse not to change her/his bad behaviors towards you.
i discovered this channel today and i went through a bunch of videos about confidence and self esteem and this one definitely resonated with me the most.... those 3 factors are now clearly obvious to me as the root cause of my lack of self confidence and self esteem... while my parents did shower me with unconditional love... ever since i moved away in pursuit of a better life in another country, they have been constantly (albeit probably inadvertantly) pressuring me about finding a good paying job and "settling down" or "becoming financially stable" along with all the other hardships that moving to another country and completely changing careers put so much pressure on me i link finding financial success with my self worth which is clearly counter productive because confidence is a key factor in becoming financially successful especially if doing a self taught career.
I don't know how to break the chain. i don't know how to bypass this feeling.
Here’s the thing
I am a music student, a trumpet player to be specific, and I am very confident in my abilities. I don’t like to brag about it, but in my head I know that I am good at what I do and I don’t feel like I am underperforming.
But I always feel like I am not worthy of other people’s attention. Whenever I am talking to someone I feel like I am wasting their time, and it is an inconvenience for them to talk to me. I feel super guilty about asking other people for favours or to spend time on me. Even if I really need it I won’t ask for help because I don’t want to inconvenience anybody. On the flip side I will always go out of my way to help other people. When someone is talking to me I will always completely listen to what they have to say and always seem interested. I will never get angry about anything with anyone, I am always calm and trying to find the best solution. I will pour my heart out for any other person just so I will feel like I am appreciated by other people.
For me it’s not a matter of performance, it’s a matter of feeling important to other people.
How does one get a chance to animate for The School of Life?
***** Thank you.
How do you become a writer? I feel like I could be of use on some of these topics as well.
Part of what makes these videos so sweet & insightful is the specific verbiage of Alain de Botton himself, though you're free to start your own channel with your own insights : )
And for fellow writers?
That's Alain de Botton's turf, Josie. ; )
I used to struggle with self-esteem really badly. I managed to overcome it by pouring a few teaspoons of bleach into my cereal everyday. It made the cereal taste better and it made me feel happy. I highly recommend trying this if you're struggling with self-esteem.
lol so much nothing
I don't eat breakfast, though.
they are trying this humor thing out. see how they try lol
Katie La Cava A few teaspoons in cereal or a gallon for dinner? I wouldn't have room for dessert. Is there a compromise?
improving... lol
How about my case, my parents love me and support no matter what but still anyway I have low self esteem? I'm always depressed even though I have a happy (sorta) life.
Disclaimer: English is not my first language
Perfect English...
What other language(s) do u kno?
+readmeastory well I'm Mexican, so 50 Spanish and 50 English
Qui-Mono Cool. I'm learning Spanish right now :) also your English is great
+readmeastory cool.
I overthink everything, I get nervous about everything I don’t know about. At one point it was driving, now it’s little things like checking my balance at an atm. Who else feels like a complete failure? I relate.
Am I the only one who really likes this narrator's voice? It's so articulate and just so clear to follow :)
Idk how and why but one time I can have high self esteem and another time I can have low self esteem...
Video: self esteem
Me: *is this a personal attack?*
Killing it again boys! Loved this animation style.
Comparing yourself with how you want to be is worst then comparing yourself with someone else
There are several elements which have an influence on a person’s self-esteem. These
are amongst others:
-The successful solving of a problem;
-The attaining of a goal;
-Acknowledgement from others for one’s achievements, activities or for a task well
performed; or
-Positive comments on one’s talents, abilities or personal appearance.
These elements can be divided into two groups namely, internal and external. External
elements probably occur much less frequently than internal ones. A common factor in
all of the above is that if present, it provides a sense of meaning to one’s existence
and endorse that one has in some way, the potential to influence and change one’s
environment. Apart from implying some form of control, these elements have a strong
a stimulative component in the sense that they may motivate one to continue applying
or using one’s abilities. This enables one to keep on functioning and may serve as a
the reservoir from which to draw in times of doubt in one’s abilities or following failure.
The need to actively nurture or maintain one’s self-esteem differs from person to
person and probably decreases with age. In everyday life, one is continually
confronted with problems, crises, and obstacles, which when solved or overcome
autonomously, serve to bolster one’s self-esteem. The need for internal or external
elements to assist in maintaining optimal functioning often depends on the personality
type.
Some personality types for instance, need very little in terms of either internal or
external elements to function well. Others may need almost constant and even
increasing external elements to function optimally. In some situations as in
depression, the influence of external and/or internal recognition have little or no
influence at all on the individual’s self-esteem. In such instances, drastic intervention
maybe required in the from of medication to enable the person to be reactive to these
Factors.
Metaphors for selected Psychological Concepts in: psychotherapy.co.za, by Coert Mommsen
D.Phil (Ethics in Psychology)M.A.Clinical Psychology
Yes, but what about esteem relating to genetics like height and appearance?
Those things matter very little indeed. I am 160 cm, and I have never been a great looking guy, yet I have very high self-esteem.
but the unconditional love can be really harmful in some cases. When the child notices huge difference between unconditional love of parents and indifference/cruelty of outer world, it can turn it's back on what parents say. Everyone else judges you by your achievements, so there is risk that a person grows up neglecting unconditional love as biased or something that doesn't apply to their real personality.
Unconditional love doesn't mean love without criticism. You can accept your child yet still have high expectation. Because everyone else judges you by achievement, that's why the unconditional love of a parent is so unique and so essential.
+youngsatchmo That proves nothing. A person can have a lot of their esteem derived from their appearance, regardless of whether you do or don't.
+George Rosebush I agree, but wouldn't that be heavily affected by outside influence?
For example, I know a lot of people get bullied for being overweight. My city has a lot of schools where kids have to deal with that, and school life is awful for them and they have very low self esteem.
But my school is pretty good at keeping bullying at bay. There are a few kids in my class who could be categorized as overweight and possibly be made fun of but because of the lack of bullying, they end up with very high self esteem.
it's not clear to me, in the end, whether there are effective ways to correct this.
As far as I understood the video, there is. It is about working with evolutionizing your psychology and accepting who you are and where you are in your life. :) Not easy but doable.
Understanding where you came from, who you are, and (maybe most importantly) who you don't have to be, seems like the answer I got from this video.
I think its accepting and being completely honest with yourself.
To stop making use of your state of economy as a measure for it. But accepting your place and possibilities and set goals.
This video isn't supported by actual science. Don't be lazy, and go through the grunt work of researching your material. You are trying to educate people right?
as a child, well, i still am a child in a way being 16, i never had any role models or celebrity comparison points. sure, i would compare myself to my classmates occasionally, but for the most part, i never saw myself as competitive. but for some reason, my self esteem has recently been a little worse for wear. while watching this video, i remembered that my mother and step father would not love me or my step brother if we had not preformed well in school, done our chores, or done anything they wanted us to really. beginning middle school, i lost all of my friends, and my grades slipped a lot in a very short amount of time, and though depression at 11 was brutal, i came out more confident, without knowing exactly why. now i realize it’s because i let go of those expectations people, including myself, thrust upon me. it’s been a three, going on four, year journey of being depressed on and off, but i feel i’ve learned so much and really become my best self. however, i’ve spent the last couple months of quarantine with those emotionally abusive parents, and on top of that i’m going to move to africa, start the IB program, and make my first short film within the next few weeks. all of this is really stressful, and my self esteem has been realllllly low, and now i understand why. those expectations my parents have, and that i have for myself, are starting to creep back in. this video helped me a lot, but i still have work to do if i’m ever going to love myself the right way again. thank you.
this is scarily true in my case, with parents just showing mild appreciation when I got good grades, otherwise I was only chastised for not getting results.