Quick reminder that this woman IS NOT one of the estranged parents she is the one who went into their groupchat and wrote down a ton of the things they said and were talking about She took one for the team I'm unsure of how much more content like this she'll make but consider subscribing to her here ruclips.net/channel/UCMqN0igj5UkGlY44Ys8PNhw Link is also in the description
@@Maximmmino I’ve decided to make a channel for parents who actually want to look inside, do healing, heal generational trauma, whether reconciliation is possible or not. It’ll be about taking care of yourself in case the kids come back, but if not then self healing. Name idea #1 Parental Estrangement: Next Steps I’ll feature actual therapists if I can find them (probably take some time) but in the meantime professional advice I’ll relay only. It’s not about the kids. It’s about healing parents in the hope that the opportunity of reconciliation but mostly towards healing personal trauma and how it really did affect their parenting. And to see why, and understand kids views. I don’t think I’ll get the type who are narks, but parents who have good intentions and truly want healings. Will play with names, I’ll try to do an intro video first, I need adult kids help, if willing of course. I kinda want to offer a real version of help in comparison to Diane. Because I started out as following Diane for help but it was clearly not the best advice.
My psychopath father took that even further. Because he was buts and also enthralled with The Mormon theology and it’s paternalistic oppressions…He believed that HE OWNED HIS CHILDREN AND THEIR CHILDREN AND EVEN GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN. Owned their lives. Meaning he “gave them his DNA”. Meaning he could take it back, Meaning he could kill any of us at any time he felt like it, He held these beliefs his whole life- I was the one he actually did try to kill multiple times. Car accidents where he drove inly me in front of oncoming cars, suffocations, and many attempted drownings. Because he had to make it look accidental because he KNEW the world would give him life in prison and he was afraid of prison. He and Mom both would qualify for life in prison for their abuse of mer and my brother if charged properly. But back then people didn’t call much.
I’m a middle aged grandma and I’ve witnessed some acquaintances children go no contact. They were rotten drug addict parents who got sober and just expected their grown kids to “get over it because I’m not drinking anymore” One woman I know..her son and his wife got restraining orders against her because she just wouldn’t stop harassing, bullying, and stalking them believing she was owed a relationship with her grandchild. Her attitude is that she’s sober for three years now and they need to let her in. Let’s normalize Terrible parents NOT GETTING TO BE GRANDPARENTS!
I love how all of these parents complain about their kids going no contact, and conclude that it’s some righteous act of defiance to go no contact back. Big I’m not fired, I quit energy.
The way I chuckled and clapped at that point of "wow how interesting that your children are successful everywhere else but in their relationship with you." The pattern truly is astounding once you catch onto it.
My family believed that keeping silent was a moral virtue. They tend to believe that being abused is just as shameful as being an abuser. If everyone knows your family is dysfunctional then it reflects badly on you as well as all the other family members. This is why these parents are horrified that the children are “airing their dirty laundry in public.” They really are not ashamed of their behavior, but instead they are angry that the kid is telling everyone.
Uhhh yes! My family are the same. They want me and others to be ashamed to save themselves any uncomfortable feelings. I was seen as the problem for not playing nice with certain abusers in the family. Ridiculous. Why a mother would want PDFs around her children idk. All because "it's family". They can F right off. And I'm not going to stay quiet about it either 😊
It really is a cultural pattern. It stems from the times when your survival was connected to how you were integrated into the group and it was pushed forward from generation to generation.
Very interesting perspective. I believe this is where loyalty comes in and the felt betrayal from family. They don’t understand honesty as an option. They believe that telling the truth is condemning them and can only come from maliciousness. This comes from the assumption that everything is how it is and cannot be changed. Like, how we don’t make fun of people’s natural characteristics, dysfunctional families views abuse as a way of life. They take it as a critique of who they are and not what they do. It’s an us or them mentality, simply because they lack flexibility in thinking.
One time in elementary school I stayed the night at another kid's house and apparently told them about something that happens in our family that my mom didn't want them to hear. For some reason she just started singing the song "Dirty Laundry" by Don Henley to me. I didn't even know what in the world that phrase meant (which she laughed at me for) but she was also RAGING. It's hard telling what I even said, none of her reactions ever really made sense, but the most important lesson she wanted to pound into me was that I NEVER tell anyone anything about what happens in our family. It was definitely a threat, too. They know their behavior is horrific but they'll spend an inordinate amount of energy making sure no one else ever sees or hears about any of it.
My adoptive mother made an active choice not to bond with me for the first 2 years of my life just in case her sister wanted me back. So that's how my life started!
I've read before that a lot of these mothers feel like it's a personal rejection if their baby does things like not make enough eye contact or doesn't like to be handled as much as the mother wants. I also think a lot of these mothers would have been resentful of their children anyway, but since they seem to be constantly searching for things to get upset about (and rage at) it could be another excuse someone came up with to give them a more clinical benefit of the doubt. That they definitely don't deserve.
Oof. The allergy thing hits so hard. My grandpa was a vegetarian from 1960-ish forward. My grandmother was embarrassed by him politely asking for the vegetarian menu when it became a more mainstream thing. Now, as an adult grandchild, my _severe_ allergies to the Nightshade Family of foods (so no potatoes, tomatoes, nothing hot [not including table pepper/black & white pepper, ginger, those kinds of “hot” are fine], etc) is treated as a choice. She huffs, rolls her eyes, and treats me as a picky eater or insisting on my way or as if I’m making a huge deal out of not eating the food she laid out that was prepared with sweet peppers and sticking to the pretzels and dip that “my house” (so myself, mom, or my SO) brought for whatever holiday we got strong armed into attending. It’s at the point where my SO, my mom, and _his_ mom have a rotating group of “never leave me alone” so I can’t be reprimanded for not “eating some of each snack dish.” (Also my grandmother was horrific to my grandpa in his final years and now has my aunt not only in similar footsteps as the still golden child, but also as a flying monkey.) My allergies aren’t a joke or a choice. It _sucks_ knowing I can’t eat a lot of things because potato starch is used in it. Not to mention I have become more allergic as the years have progressed so when I was a tween I could eat a slice of pizza without also downing half a thing of Benadryl, and now I can’t. I miss the foods I used to at least like I can’t have. I hate it when parents/grandparents like this completely disregard medical issues. I’ve had bad knees for my whole life, does anyone outside of my tiny bubble know that? No, because that same “grandmother” of mine just never told the rest of the family and when they did ask when I was young, she lied and said it was my/my mom’s choice to not visit out of basically laziness. (Don’t get me started on my father and the way he used my medical issues and embellished them for dating brownie points.)
Yeah this is just awful I will never understand wanting to force people into certain diets And def will never understand not taking people's allergies seriously?
Oh, that sucks. No-one would willingly not eat potatoes/potato starch just to be difficult in the western world. They're not only delish, but basically almost unavoidable. Taking someone's severe allergy as a personal slight/insult is so arrogant! And even if it was just a food preference, (which I'm not implying it is at all) - why can people just not take that personally, and let people eat what they want?! Abuse around food really grinds my gears. That's such a messed up part of life to terroroise someone about. Very dangerous in so many ways. So sorry that is happening to you.
Wow Im sorry about the potato starch especially, that has become a big thing to replace wheat as a thickening agent to make products gluten free for folks like my family with celiac disease. I know how hard it is to navigate life with a food allergy. Wheat is a lot of places you wouldn't think, just like your allergens are. At first it was just my older sister diagnosed with it, so she got the brunt of that kind of treatment until the rest of us were diagnosed. Hang in there for your health and I hope you do better as time goes on.
@@arc8584 as much as it sucks, I really appreciate people with _other_ allergies/issues in that department. It’s a sort of camaraderie _and_ I can (outside of my grandmother) make the comparison that my issues are similar. It’s very weird, because, as you said, potato starch is everywhere (even in my prescribed meds! I can’t get meds filled at big pharmacies because they refuse to check for ingredients, which I don’t believe is legal but eh,) especially in gluten free stuff (I’m not terrible with wheat but it will make my joints stiff). I can do highly refined cellulose gum (medical grade), but not the food grade stuff so if they don’t have potato starch they have vaguely named “cellulose” in it (less a “go to the hospital” and more “seemed to have caught a stomach bug for two days”) but other thickeners like such that are named: Xantham, Carob, Guar, that sort, are fine. So I’m just really careful. Especially because something that might have used corn starch will switch so I check. I’m so sorry your whole family is dealing with it. A family friend has it (brain can’t spell atm) and it seems really uncomfortable. Good luck to you and your family!
@@catasrophieGrrl This response and the humor made me smile, so thank you. :3 And I agree! I miss pizza (only was able to eat it as a young child,) I miss chips, I miss baked beans that have (now?) added tomato paste, I miss fries etc etc etc. Oh, and I love Philly cheese steak and grilled green peppers :/ If I had an option, even knowing some of the scientific articles I’ve read on the effects of potatoes on livestock (it’s less than good) I’d still have the occasional fry or something. Also, y’all might appreciate this for the absurdity: my SO? The one who sticks to me like glue to keep my grandmother from cornering me about my “dietary choices”? Yeah, he’s from New Orleans. Man has changed the entire way he cooks because cooking with those hot spices can make me react. He’s also found work around a for tomato paste/sauce for things that _need_ that kind of flavor. He’s a sweetie.
I don't think every one of these parents expects estrangement, only because they don't expect their kids to push back. They put up with bad behavior from their parents so they expect their kids to do the same.
I think many of them actually know it might be coming at some point, so a lot of their responses have been rehearsed in their heads for years in case it happens - it's still weird how they're all the same responses though. They're usually very simplistic thinkers, so maybe that's a big part of it. Unfortunately they never learned how (or care to try) to handle their emotions or behaviors, so when the estrangement finally comes they still respond with that same old explosion of rage / resentment / entitlement etc. that they display every day anyway. The "disbelief" and "confusion" they pretend to have is another of their surface level manipulation / self victimizing tactics that are incredibly easy to see through once someone has recognized what it is.
They can't handle the concept they were harmed, it's terrifying to them so they're on the generational trauma frieght train. There's things my mother said that didn't reflect reality about me. It's like she was just playing a recording.
Wow. Knowing how many of these adult children are choosing estrangement not even just for themselves but to protect their OWN children from being harmed the way they were in childhood..that casts a whole new light on this whole thing :(
i'm really big on not judging people for their relationship with their parents regardless of what it is I went to school with a ton of people who had very right wing parents who were also racist, or homophobic, and later on transphobic and I'm really big on your relationship with your parents is not my business when they'd be like yeah they're racist but they're my parents or they're not bad people BUT i 100% think it is your job to protect the people you bring around your parents if that's what you're gonna do whether that's friends or any children you bring into the world so good for the kids who are able to set and hold a boundary for the safety of their children
Well before modern technology, people just cut family off by moving far away. lol Now we actually gotta take steps to cut people out because we're so mobile and electronically connected. That's why going 'no contact' is such a NEW thing. Before the 1900s when a child wanted to get away from a nasty parent they just moved a long ways away, then they only had to actually interact with that parent possibly a once or twice more before they died of old age at 60-70, if that! Edit: Diane idolizes HERSELF.
We can firmly “blame” modern medicine for this, basically 1940-forward. People are living longer and most/all of the tech we have now is thanks to natural progression after the leaps from Radio and the Telephone because of WWII. Also, some estranged parents will hunt you down, even if you moved, and I think that became a worse problem when both men and women were allowed/able to drive-twice the potential estrangement and different reactions. Not the 1900s obv, but in _1990s_ my grandmother hunted my mom down after she moved. And has recently said she’s going to follow both my mom and myself wherever we go so I can (and my SO but she also doesn’t like him so maybe not) can take care of her, my aunt, and (“maybe”) my mom when everyone is older-grandmother is in her 90s-and that is just _wild_ to me because: I have some serious joint and medical problems and I would not be physically capable of lifting a whole person to help with daily living, nor standing to cook. Also, the _nerve_ that woman has to say she’ll saddle me and my so with three people, two of which I hate, in their “old age” is beyond me. And to try and force my SO into it when he’s A) not my husband, and B) they’re not his family! My mom went from joking about changing her name to seriously considering it and considering getting a post office box/address in like… Alaska, and dropping off the map. As the only grandchild, I’m about to do the same thing.
I also always thought about this. Sending letters was very expensive and you would also pay upon receiving the letter (this is because many letters were lost so it didn’t make sense to pay ahead of time). You could send very few letters and be virtually NC with no stigma
The bit about "showing them what real abuse looks like" made me think of when I ask mom to stop yelling. She always tells me "you haven't heard me yelling yet" or "I'll show you yelling".
@@nicolesouza8that’s… just wild. I suppose it’s more wild about the yelling to me because if someone is already yelling/screaming do they… just scream/yell louder if they’re already doing it full volume? I’ve run into the “I wish I’d beaten you as a child like I was because then you’d be afraid enough to listen.” Which as an autistic person who gets overstimulated and then promptly goes and hides to not have something I say when overstimulated taken out of context and triggering a fight, that is literally the worse thing someone can do while another person is in the middle of attempting to just quietly meltdown in a corner in the dark. When I’ve responded with “no, you really don’t, that just would have normalized violence to me and told me that I could physically retaliate against you while overstimulated. I might be smaller but I’m much stronger and you’d have been dealing with someone who you told could hit you back in a ‘turn about is fair play’ way of me wanting to defend myself to not have pain on top of overstimulation.” I don’t even bother going down the “you probably didn’t ’turn out okay’ if you think child ab^se is okay” route. It’s nuts to me that people are like this. I hope you can put distance between yourself and your mom and heal, OP.
@@Crisjola thank you. I kinda don't ever feel like I can be independent, so it's extra hard bc of that. Hopefully we can all heal from all of the mistreatment we've been through
"Sweet and loving" reminds me of the stay sweet documentary. Its a way to manipulate the kids behavior and have them be compliant drones that dont have thoughts or needs of their own. So gross.
Every statement from these estranged parents flows with hatred and resentment, and believe me, their kids felt that feeling their entire lives before they were finally able to break free. Take an EP's favorite "toy" away and just watch how the venom spews from them. Absolute control freaks.
I never felt resentment coming from my dad. I felt he was burnt out. Pretty certain he's autistic so it makes sense that he was tapped out completely. Still that meant that maybe he shouldn't have had kids. I'm estranged from him because always being rejected and an afterthought was very painful. My mom was the one stuck in resentment, but it wasn't a!ways directed at me. It's because my dad was already tapped out.
I hadn't planned on becoming a parent. I remember my mom telling me how much she hoped I'd end up with a child just like me. Luckily enough, I did. And now I know just how easy i was to love. They're only elementary school, but I've instilled the idea that it's okay to cut anyone off who's causing you harm, including me
I needed this. Just got off the phone with my mother who I'd previously gone NC with. So many of them just do not change. These videos are giving me the confidence to go through with it again. Thank you for continuing this series of uploads.
I went NC with my entire family about a month ago and it was so fucking hard. The guilt is awful and it actually makes me mad at myself bc I don't deserve to feel guilty. We're all here for you. Do what is best for YOU.
@@marahbaker8615 She's the only one left I have to cut out. I lied to myself for the past six years that she finally got it because she checked herself in to a mental health unit. Nope. Now she just holds a grudge against the family for not saving me from her... that's for me to be angry about. Not you.
If she hasn't changed by now she won't--I ignored my dad for one week and he entirely changed his behavior around me to prevent that from happening again. It was hard for him to learn to swallow his tongue when he wanted to be a dilhole, but he decided it was easier than dealing with not getting to see me. She's capable, but unwilling, and that means her pain at losing you is her choice to carry, you don't need to carry it either--your own is heavy enough.
Lol my mother was like, I’m going to write you out of my will. And i’m like bit** you’re POOR🌞 there is nothing in that will. And even if there was, I wouldn’t want it
It was not so clever from you, now she is looking for other ways to screw you up. :] I also understand that you felt good because you stand your ground in an argument. But keep in mind that negative affection is also a good source for them. While you act hateful towards her, inside she feels sadistic joy because you are destroying your good self. When you act bad, they have it so easy to look good. That way you are still an ally of her, you are helping her fake theatre be fully operational.
@@realhet From how it read, I don't think she really responded that way. It seems like it was more of a thought in her head, and the real response was grey rocking.
@@MommyMoniquex5 I think you're asking the OP, but now that you mentioned me... I'm the last 'kid'. I was 'lucky' that my narcissistic parents got divorced early and that way my narcissistic personality disorder was not fully developed. Unlike my parents I am able to not pass it forward, I'm able to obstruct it (it gives me sadistic supply btw ;). No one will inherit that shit from me. I don't want to punish the next generation, I just want my free will, the full control over myself and zero control over anyone else. In return I don't let 99% of the people to control me. It's a fair deal. You may wonder how can someone not want the love of her/his own child. The answer in my case is easy: I don't know what unconditional love is. My brain automatically translate every kind of positive emotions to a warning sign: Watch out, you will be used. I have no access to positive feelings, so the best I can do is not being a master of negative feelings and victimize other people like I was meant to, but be at peace with the *nothing* in between negative and positive.
Drives me CRAZY that these estranged parents always think TikTok has given their kids the idea to cut them off. How condescending on top of being completely wrong. So not only do you not acknowledge your kids feeling but you also think so little of them that they couldn’t possibly have their own thoughts and wake up to the abuse! F off
It's weird since a number of these people chose estrangement at some point with their parents. Why be shocked your kid followed tradition at that point.
It’s like people who think TikTok is making kids gay/trans. I always wanna ask those people “What could you have been shown as a teenager that would have convinced you you were actually attracted to men, not women? Or actually wanted to be a girl?” Because of course there’s NOTHING. Nothing will make you think/feel that way, people make decisions about/for themselves and their own lives based on the experiences they’ve had and their own thoughts/feelings! 🤦🏻♀️
Damn, I think my mother wrote that letter about Me always being miserable from birth. As an adult I know babies cry when they are uncomfortable. As an adult I took myself to a Dr. I'm gluten, lactose intolerance and have IBS. No wonder i was a miserable little being. I felt sick evey day. I was constipated. ❤ from estranged daughter in Australia
I have reflux from a haital hernia, when my mon undermined me it would flare up and then she would tell me my anger is making me sick, but in a snotty way.
My cousin has always hated milk, ever since she was a little girl, and her mum would try to force her to drink it. When she became an adult it turns out she had actual milk allergies (not sure if she is lactose intolerant or something else). When she told her mum and suggested she probably hated milk as a child because it made her feel sick because she's allergic her mum said "Don't be stupid, milk allergies don't exist in our homeland!" 😂
There's been work showing that stress can cause and/or aggravate some digestive issues, potentially due the abundance of receptors in the digestive system.
My mother also said that about me, and I only just now (nearly 40) made the connection to the fact that I live with chronic illness as an adult, along with being lactose intolerant.
The estranged parents only want access to the grandchildren because they view the grandchildren as "Do Over" options. That's why they feel so utterly entitled to the grandchildren - they aren't mini humans to the estranged parents, just property. Ick.
I joined one of these groups, in an attempt to understand the ‘other side’. All they want is to complain and get sympathy. As opposed to the estranged ‘children’ group I belong to, which actively tries to give honest feedback, as well as support. The children would do just about anything to restore/have the relationship and are actively engaging in their own self reflection. The parents have ZERO desire to self reflect. It is their way, or no way. They all feel that they have been betrayed and have zero culpability. There are going to be a LOT of selfish, narcissistic boomers that end up alone, in a nursing home, at the end of life.
23:30 if this sounds similar to your narc, and you have children, PLEASE look up if your state has grandparents rights and seek legal counsel to proactively see how you can protect yourself. I'm lucky enough to live in a state without grandparents rights but I anticipate false CPS reports if my mother gets pissed off enough.
If you get really nervous call the local CPS people and explain the situation to them! Pointing out that you have a vindictive party who would want to weaponize CPS is something they can put on a note for/about you and will absolutely be beneficial for whatever happens down the road.
17:24 "I raised them to be sweet and loving" What do you supposed that means? That she did everything so they'd be safe, happy, feel respected? So being sweet would come naturally? That she was sweet and loving to them? Or ... that she ordered them to be sweet and loving and punished them when they weren't?
You get kicked out of estranged parents' group chat when you call other parents that talk like what she is reading to account. And the administrators and even the chat therapist they connect you with are the worst perpetrators of these awful things. I know. I was kicked out of You Are Not Alone Facebook group for estranged parents for saying that estrangement was not anything like death of an adult child (it's not) or that adult children are evil for setting boundaries ( they are standing up for their mental health) and final straw posting link to Diane's first video as what not to do if you ever want to reconcile. Stay away from these angry echo chambers
This is my problem with 90% of online groups. It’s all so cultish. Just an echo chamber where you go to never grow as a human. The internet is not a safe space but people will pretend it is by making or participating in these kinds of groups.
My mom didn't understand why I didn't like that phrase or think it was funny. She certainly thought it was, though the only types of humor she likes are either mean-spirited or mockery.
I think "respect" was very overgeneralized in past decades to mean something like "if you dont accept my abuse, you are disrespectful". I seen it while i was growing up, not only the parents but teachers and other adults around the child felt entitled to treat a child as they seen fit, even if it included abuse. But especially with parents in my country it was out of control, like cultural norm was encouraging parents to see their children as extension of themselves and it is frowned upon to criticize your parents, even the criticism against them is slight. In my opinion we need to normalize that "respect" shouldnt be a given but instead something achieved based on the actions of the other person, not their social status, nor the type of relationship you have with that person. "Respect" should function the same way as trust, you can build it or you can lose it.
Respect for these people: Treat me like I'm your superior or I will not treat you like a human. Parents have our kids entire lives (so far) to earn our child's respect. We made them, we *owe* them that effort to be worth respecting more than they owe us gratitude for existing.
@@haleyspence what they see as "respect" goes beyond just that. What they want is _deference,_ as though they are your superior. I agree with basic respect, as in recognizing each other's rights and needs as individuals, and respecting healthy boundaries.
I heard it explained as that older generations were taught respect means "obedience to authority" while younger generations were taught respect means "treating others equally/how they want to be treated" and as a result when we are having conversations about respect we don't often realize we are talking about two separate concepts.
The fear doesnt last either. Ive seen over and over the fear just becoming so tiring to feel the child, teenager or adult just becomes noncholant. We can only feel for so long and so much. I myself have just become numb towards my own father.
i've been nc with a parent for nine years now, was nc with the other for three(? time is an illusion when you're in autistic burnout) years. one of them changed. accepted my boundaries, went to therapy themself. treats me with respect and cares about me. the other responded to me giving clear examples of behavior that hurt me with "well, you can reach back out when you feel better". guess which one is the nine years and counting one. no reflection of their own behavior, and willingness to change, but instead the expectation that i need to work on accepting that behavior. what's really jarring to me, is having ppl in my life now that i've known for two years, a year, six months who are not related to me but who treat me much better than ppl who were supposed to love me unconditionally. i'm incredibly thankful for my friends, and their support. but at the same time, being reaffirmed and respected more times in half a year, than i was in two decades and more by the ones that raised me, it kind of does my head in. and really drives home how dysfunctional and disrespectful my blood family is.
Wow, 😅 did I write this and forget? This sounds almost exactly like my story, and I'm so glad we now have the love and respect and support we deserve, 🎉
Giving your grandchild foods that you’ve been repeatedly told they are allergic to is wild 😮😢. Estrangement seems like a fairly mild consequence under those circumstances. I’d be looking for a way to press charges.
A lot of these parents don't "believe" in food allergies (unless they think they have one, then that one is "legitimate"). Telling them not to do something makes them want to do it even more because they're perpetually spiteful toddlers.
I was relieved the last time my mother threw a tantrum, it was a relief to block her. They’ll be surprised when this finally happens. Narcissists cause estrangements.
Imagine saying "oh they say if they cause you trauma you should cut them out." And think thats ridiculous. That's a person outing themselves as causing trauma in people they claim to love.
My covert narc mother always boohooed because I couldn’t love her and of course blamed me. Gee I wonder why. But for 60 years I thought it was me with the problem. Nope. It’s all her. She created what she calls a cold unloving child. I’m fully capable of love. But not to narcissists.
we dont talk to my bfs mom... havent for years because she is toxic. our child wont cut us off because we dont abuse her and we respect her as an individual. its literally that simple
Re: ignoring boundaries - I think this boils down to those parents whose kids would define as being "good parents" in their childhood, but the moment puberty or pre-adolescence hit, those parents seemed to actively dislike their kids and hate having them around, simply because a teenager or pre-teen now has their own voice and opinions and can disagree with the parents and stand up for themselves. I think it also boils down to those parents with a self-fulfilling prophecy of, "My child was rude to me and unappreciative when I was just trying to be thoughtful!", all the while the child was rude because they established/expressed a boundary or "rule" that was dismissed by the parent; this happens a lot once grandkids are in the picture and the grandparent thinks they know better than their adult child about what to do with the grandchild, then belittles the parenting style that goes against what the grandparent did because it was likely hurtful or abusive.
15 years of estrangement, and my "father" still tell people my sisters and I are brats and he "should have beaten us more". He doesn't know my kids. No-one is entitled to their children's or grandchildren's presence. No-one is entitled to occasions for more abuse...
@@ryn3872 Yes, the good side of is that I have no doubt about making the right choice. He can't guilt trap me and I'm aware that he did this to himself. Some parents are more insidious
"The grandparents are often nicer to the grandchildren than their children" Remember: this DOES NOT mean they are less abusive, just less overt at first.
Babies that have issues with physical touch are often neurodivergent. Which means the parent is likely neurodivergent too, but they'll probably never realise/consider either fact in how they approach parenting I see that type of ignorance so often.
I think it IS unexpected : as they were truly believing that they could do anything to their child and the child was stuck with them and would never be able to leave them. Same in divorces. Many husband claim that they were "dumfounded" or "blindsided" because they KNEW their wife was unhappy, they just were absolutely persuaded that she would just accept a permanent level of unhappiness. In both cases, they are entitled people, unable to see others as equals = unable to love.
4:90 I respect you so much saying we don't judge people for their grammar. I have dyslexia. Judge me by my actions, intent, values and content not my spelling and grammar. Same for horrible people. Let's not lower ourselves to their level by criticising language abilities
Using an inheritance as leverage has always baffled me. Both sides; parents using it as a threat, as well as adult children subjecting themselves to continued abuse and "humoring" heinous parental behavior based on the promise of an inheritance that may or may not exist in the end. I would rather them take every single thing they own (cash included) and build a big bonfire with it. I'll even show up with marshmallows.
Most of these parents are the kind of people to blow anything they could have passed on before they go. Good on these parents for not passing on all their debt and their useless stuff to their children.
I went lc/nc w my parents before it has a name. Now I’m 57 w 3 grown children and 2 grandchildren. Guess how many have gone nc? None. Not one. I have a great relationship w my kids my grandkids and their partners and their in-laws. 🤦🏽♀️
I remember my mum once telling us she hated all three of her kids after we got to the age of 8. We were too loud, too opinionated, we disagreed with too much, we had too much individualism. I think some people really think they have printed mini-mes and when they discover their kids are individuals with their own thoughts and feelings, it blows their mind and they can't handle the lack of control. That is what half these parents sound like. They wanted obedient little versions of themselves and what they got are human children.
This lady is awesome 🙌 It is all so hypocritical. The estranged parents complain that the adult child wants power and control because that's what they want 😂 all I ever wanted was safety. The thing about feeling like a God was weird. Maybe that's how they felt controlling little children. Social media is so bad but they're using it too. So it's okay for them to find help groups. Screw your kids boundaries huh? Okay let's see how far that gets you. Wow, this is worse than i thought it was going to be! The boundaries with grandchildren are just common sense. Should have shown them real abuse. That's the kind of mindset my mother has. Oh this is nothing. What you are complaining about 🙄 like they are showing restraint because deep down they wanted to hurt their kids even worse. Man this was rough... seems like they always hated their children.
14:48 it’s wild to think that the only saving grace these people had in their childhood was the thought that they could do the same to their own children and think they will end up fine
My father and I had an awful relationship for most of my life up through my 20s. The thing that made him change? His brother lived alone, old, weakened, and surrounded by stuff he was paranoid about losing through a relationship or family. I really think it took having to sort out his brother's life for him when he was suffering too much from cancer and dementia to do that for himself to make my father realize what he had, and what he had to lose. People CAN change, but it sounds like the group mentality they're feeding into is keeping them from the actual accounting they'd have to do to repair a relationship with their children. Really sad to see.
"I wont be told what i can do by my kid!" Has the same energy of "youre not my mom you cant telll me what to do!" From a 5 year old. Treating a 40yolike a child is childish in itself wtf
You say they are upset that they are breaking a cycle? I think it is more than that. I think these people have trouble acknowledging that they are still a parent, but the dynamic changes when the "child" ages. These parents may only know how to lecture their offspring and tell them what to do. They may only know how to be an authoritarian who is obeyed. They don't know how to relate to their adult child as an adult and still see them as pre-adolescent mentally. I think they have trouble letting go of the power they had over that person when they were a child. I say this as someone who went no-contact with my father for over a year based on his behavior towards me. Also, the 19:40 comment about boundaries? I bet these people want to tell their kids how to live though and ignore their boundaries. Again, this is about power as she reiterates at 29:30.
I didn't go NC w/ my abusive mom u til I was 40 (almost 3 yrs ago). My sis just went super-LC with her this year(she's 2.5 yrs older than me. We gave way too many chanves and tried everything. Mom will never change and it's better for us to love her but not allow her toxicity in our lives
Unbelievably sad I hope they find therapy to help. Unfortunately I do know people who have estranged children or parents due to drugs, cult involvement etc but that doesn’t seem to be the case here. If someone you love distanced themselves from you please understand that publicly shaming them, sharing private information from your relationship etc is only going to push them further away
I am so happy for the young adults that they have platforms like yours where they find support and solace. When I cut contact with my parents in the year 2000, it was very different and for years there was a lot of gaslighting and stigma. Now I am in my 50s and have a very good relationship with my daughters who are in their thirties. I believe that cutting off contact with my parents was very good for me and I want to offer strength and good energy to those who do the same. I always tell my children that having children is a most selfish act- they did not ask to be put on this planet, I try to make their lives as pleasant as possible by offering support and comfort.
That must've been so hard I was pretty alone for a little while after my last major breakup We had moved to a new city together and i never really made friends But i ended up finding a ton of people who i enjoyed being around online and have now met most of them in person I can't imagine how much I would've struggled if I hadn't had that option Calling having children the most selfish act is a really nice way of looking at it And holding yourself onto that responsibility instead of stamping it onto your children
@@Maximmmino thank you for your kind words-yes it was very difficult, and I cant say it enough that's why I am very happy that there is community for us now- sending you good energy and strength.
Boundaries aren’t about telling others how to behave, they’re there to protect us from abusive people. I taught my daughters to have strung boundaries.
MAX: my family is a case of "no one saw it coming." My mom and I were BFFs and a week before everything happened, i would have said it would never happen to us. But it was because of her lies, and everything she had been hiding for months. To us, it was out of the blue, but to her, it was just a reckoning of her actions
That is wild to think about Normally the stories I read about a separation coming out of nowhere are between romantic partners where one was hiding a whole other life, or debt, or relationship One who was hiding their family in general She told her fiance that her family had all passed but he noticed that she was spending a lot of time in her hometown and followed her to her very very alive mother's house after thinking she had died years before they met
@@Maximmmino my mom was my bestie, and I actually moved in to their house at HER REQUEST at one point in my 30s because she was caring for my dad who has MS. I learned later, about a term called "enmeshment," which I recommend looking into if you're into understanding family dynamics. Before putting my dad in a nursing home (after I'd bought a house and moved .25 miles from them) she came over one night and confessed that shed been having an affair with my ex for several months. (Later turned out to have been going on even longer) And when I lost my mind and told her that if she didn't cut ties with him I couldn't be around her, she lied to my whole family about it and told them I was making it up... For 2 years, until they actually put all the pieces together.
Perhaps the only time estrangement would truly come unexpected would be if the child got Hollywood-style retrograde amnesia or suffered a brain tumour. Yet I don't think there are *that* many cases of amnesia out there causing the children to forget their parents' contact info...
It’s crazy how possessive these people get over their grand children. Yes, they are your grandchild but first and more importantly - they are your child’s children and not yours. You’re not entitled to them in any way. access to grand kids is a privilege, not a right.
My mom causes me the most trauma out of everything that’s ever caused me trauma, and I don’t think she even notices. I still don’t even know if she means to or not. I would consider going no contact if I weren’t disabled and didn’t absolutely need her.
Whoa, buddy. The woman reading the papers and quotes she pulled off is _not_ one of these parents. She’s a trauma councilor and an adult estranged child by her own admission. Her pain is palpable because she’s got the same experiences we all do.
@@Crisjola I am curious if this person here will admit that they were in the wrong themselves. I see it a lot that they have similiar traits as those they complain about. 😏🙂
I don't think I'm a complete outlyer for the fact that my mom is both liberal and prone to violence and manipulation - I think the difference is that her type is more likely to just pretend they don't have a child instead of get loud about it. It would hurt her too much to realize or become aware she goes full feral-animal when angry. She does tell those who know about me that I was brainwashed by her ex.
@@Sarah-with-an-HAgreed. My MIL is this type and she’s opposite politically to me. She’s way more conservative. I think it’s an individual personality issue
I’m not estranged from my mom. I haven’t seen my dad since I was 12, but it wasn’t a decision I made, he must have been abducted by aliens. 🤷🏻 this conversation is really interesting.
Wow, every video you put out leaves me gutted. I was estranged at 15 and my parents are an extreme example of these self-pitying abusers. It hit home when you said that they look at their parenting relationship like a job. Throughout my whole life I heard that I could do what I wanted at 18, even if it meant eating a burger or hanging out with my friends. They were so happy to get rid of me before the contract was officially done. I got emancipated on the condition that I would not press charges for various forms of abuse. At 50 years old today sometimes I wonder why the courts left a kid to make that decision (of course I signed for freedom immediately) and how life for my estranged parents would be today if things had been different (lock them up). My sexually abusive father remarried after their divorce and ended up with two fresh teenage girls under his roof. So much comes up when I tune in to you... But it is healing, even though I have a pit in my stomach. Thank you Maximino.
30:55 another big reason for not wanting the grandparents to bring gifts all the time is that the gifts are really just a tool for manipulation. If they have a falling out with the parent then the toys can be used as a way of manipulating the child, “Your mommy is so mean, I wasn’t allowed to come to your birthday because she doesn’t want me to give you all these nice toys I have for you!” “I got you so many toys for christmas, you should tell your mommy you want to come over to see grandma!” Needless to say, the toys aren’t worth it. It’s a very common tactic, I see it all the time with my friend who has a 10yo daughter and an abusive narc mom. She uses the granddaughter as a way of manipulating her daughter all the time.
I keep my mum at arms length. We text and stuff. Took 10years of me setting lines, boundaries and walls. When we do chat on the phone she will always throw at least 1 guilt trip but will be honest about all the shitty things she did. She partly blames her celiac and the divorce. Hense the distance. But with time i also just dont care about all the shitty things she did. It isnt excuseable and i will not be helping her in her retirement. But sometimes it kind of works out if the parent does some therapy and tries to do better. They will always be hiccups cuz at the end of the day thats who they are but if you set up the right tools, you may be ok. Some people dont deserve your kindess. She tried to get forgiveness mostly to appease herself but she sure as hell cant flaunt our relationship to her peers. And im happy about that.
What is so amusing to me with these ppl is how badly their own dysfunction is hurting them. Simply cutting off access makes their whole life crumble. That‘s what happens when you are deluded in the idea that you couldn‘t ever be in the wrong. My mom wasn‘t always a perfect parent. But u know what she did? She apologized, made an effort to be better. And that also applies to me as well. It‘s about both ppl being self analytical, trying to make it a good relationship and listening honestly to one another without trying to be judgemental or inconsiderate. We put a lot of work into our relationship and we‘re still really close because of that. If you as a parent can‘t do the bare minimum of treating respectfully ppl you create and put into this world, you don‘t deserve unlimited access to them. This is the punishment. Sitting in a miserable hate group that makes you hold onto that hate and pain cause you simply refuse to see fault in yourself. You‘ll die miserable and with a heart full of hate. But it‘s not hate for the child as much as hate for the child as a mask to overshadow that the real anger is over this inability to be self critical. May it eat them alive from the inside out, for they do not accept the light they need to see to make a change for the better. Thise children did so much to mend a bond that is one sided. A bond that is tied to someone deeply selfish and unchanging. If you are their alcohol, take it away. And watch them flounder. Being sober is a wakeup call, and if it leads you to spiral deeper, then that is on you. Not your child.
A lot of people own dogs??!!? Im so confused. With how many hundreds of millions of households who have them, a lot of those people will be on RUclips😂 im sorry im genuinely confused, im not trying to be mean or rude
It's so crazy to me because I was encouraged and allowed to set boundaries for as long as I can remember. And I respected my kid's boundaries that he set BEFORE he could speak. Their kids were never allowed to have autonomy because they were a child and then as adults they're not allowed to have autonomy because "I'm the parent"
As a child of abuse, I never expected to get anything from my parents. They came it very clear I would get nothing when, despite a court order they decided in my last year of highschool that, nah we aren't going to help with college, also we're going to charge you rent that costs almost every penny you earn while going to school full time. Threatening me with removing me from the will of I don't continue to put up with your abuse? Don't threaten me with good time and a valid excuse to finally cut contact.
My step brother is sometimes no contact with my step mom but his idea of a boundary is to not criticizes him for spanking his non verbal 5 year old getting his son tested for autism. We are lucky to have someone who isn’t these parents
Sometimes trash removes itself. They should def look into having any big incidents reported. We only hate *false* reports as a means of abuse. Not all estrangement is this type, and you can really see the difference if youre familiar with it.
“CHILDREN USED TO TRULY FEAR THEIR PARENTS, WE SHOULD HAVE SHOWED THEM WHAT REAL ABUSE LOOKS LIKE” I can’t image why you’re children don’t want to see you anymore when you have such a loving sunshiny personality
Hope you cover more of Breakdancing dad here, am interested in your take. I agreed with his original videos but later when he started going on youtube to talk about writing his daughter out of his will, I felt he'd moved beyond defending his reputation and was now just venting dirty laundry.
Yeah we ended up watching a lot of him on stream and it was so much of him not talking about any point that i couldn't bring myself to back and edit it I'll have the video where he takes madi out of his will out sometime this week but it's just so much of him saying nothing and then occasionally making sure we know he thinks she's faking being gay
@Maximmmino yea, I think that's where he crossed the line. When he was defending himself and clarifying how close he lived to his kids home, how involved he'd been in their lives and so forth, it was all good. But when he went on to start analysing Maddie's behaviour, doubting her sexuality and talking about cutting her out of the will, I felt he had crossed the line. Obviously Maddie is in her 20s and trying to find herself whilst also developing her career, she's young and figuring out who she is and what she wants to do with her life. Once he went from telling his side of the story to criticise her lifestyle choices, he lost me. But dude can waffle on! Lol
@@legoqueen2445totally with you. They both should have kept it offline but at least he seemed rational at first. At this point, he’s clearly been radicalized online in one of these crackpot groups and is now sounding like every other estranged parent out there. Part of me wondered if this was some sort of brilliant collusion where they were both making bank off of a fake feud, but it looks like she’s dialed it back and he’s still going.
None of these behaviors are loving. People are*terrified* at the idea that their parents suck and don’t love anyone -including them. I had a mother who loved no one. No one. It’s not the mother I wanted but I don’t play head games with myself that there really is a Santa Claus.
My situation is a bit different. Kinda the reverse of a lot of what i hear in these situations. I was born and raised in a cult (not that they admit that is the case) and when (very ironically) i took the religious tenets seriously and decided to act on them as i understood them, it led my dad to eventually kick me out and initiate the no contact. I tried to keep some kind of relationship, but he has made it clear that he doesnt want to engage beyond the empty polite greeting from him that has more to do with appearances than genuine interest. I know that he considers me a threat to the way he wants the younger siblings to turn out, and i suppose he is right to feel that way. For me, it has been the pain of accepting that my dad doesn't want anything to do with me simply because i dared to actually seek the truth of the religion that he so fervently believes in. Perhaps more specifically because in seeking my own path to the truth, i defied all the (in)doctrine(ation) around authority and how important it is to obey the men who hold the "true" lineage of authority. It is wild to me that he doesnt see how destructive his own use of "authority" has been within his own family. For myself, i would talk to him if he acted like he wanted to talk to me. I dont hate him (as much, maybe a little still) because i know that he faced some truly horrific abuse and actually made some significant improvements on what his childhood was. That said, i have realized that i just dont have anything to say to him. I dont have kids yet, but if i did i dont think id ever leave them at my dads house. They could be there if i was, not without me. Not so much because i think they would be in direct danger, but because i wouldnt want my kids to trust my dad the way i did, how all kids trust any adult that they grow used to at an early age. Lol, in a way i guess i take it as a personal victory that i stayed until he told me to leave. Hearing how most of the time it is the adult child that has to initiate the no contact, i feel a degree of satisfaction knowing that i was stubborn enough to drive my parent to be the one to initiate 😆
Quick reminder that this woman IS NOT one of the estranged parents she is the one who went into their groupchat and wrote down a ton of the things they said and were talking about
She took one for the team
I'm unsure of how much more content like this she'll make but consider subscribing to her here ruclips.net/channel/UCMqN0igj5UkGlY44Ys8PNhw
Link is also in the description
Not all heroes wear capes
Our favorite secret agent 😉😂💪
@@Maximmmino I’ve decided to make a channel for parents who actually want to look inside, do healing, heal generational trauma, whether reconciliation is possible or not. It’ll be about taking care of yourself in case the kids come back, but if not then self healing. Name idea #1 Parental Estrangement: Next Steps I’ll feature actual therapists if I can find them (probably take some time) but in the meantime professional advice I’ll relay only. It’s not about the kids. It’s about healing parents in the hope that the opportunity of reconciliation but mostly towards healing personal trauma and how it really did affect their parenting. And to see why, and understand kids views. I don’t think I’ll get the type who are narks, but parents who have good intentions and truly want healings. Will play with names, I’ll try to do an intro video first, I need adult kids help, if willing of course. I kinda want to offer a real version of help in comparison to Diane. Because I started out as following Diane for help but it was clearly not the best advice.
"Grandchildren belong to the grandparents" is an unbelievably unhinged thing to even think much less say
My psychopath father took that even further. Because he was buts and also enthralled with The Mormon theology and it’s paternalistic oppressions…He believed that HE OWNED HIS CHILDREN AND THEIR CHILDREN AND EVEN GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN.
Owned their lives.
Meaning he “gave them his DNA”.
Meaning he could take it back,
Meaning he could kill any of us at any time he felt like it,
He held these beliefs his whole life-
I was the one he actually did try to kill multiple times. Car accidents where he drove inly me in front of oncoming cars, suffocations, and many attempted drownings. Because he had to make it look accidental because he KNEW the world would give him life in prison and he was afraid of prison. He and Mom both would qualify for life in prison for their abuse of mer and my brother if charged properly. But back then people didn’t call much.
All of us: “Diane, could you just take accountability?”
Diane: “UNIVERSITIES ARE TRANSING STUDENTS”
That is the thing, no accountability.
I’m a middle aged grandma and I’ve witnessed some acquaintances children go no contact. They were rotten drug addict parents who got sober and just expected their grown kids to “get over it because I’m not drinking anymore”
One woman I know..her son and his wife got restraining orders against her because she just wouldn’t stop harassing, bullying, and stalking them believing she was owed a relationship with her grandchild. Her attitude is that she’s sober for three years now and they need to let her in.
Let’s normalize Terrible parents NOT GETTING TO BE GRANDPARENTS!
I love how all of these parents complain about their kids going no contact, and conclude that it’s some righteous act of defiance to go no contact back. Big I’m not fired, I quit energy.
💯
Yeah I’m sure other peoples suffering is just hilarious to you
The way I chuckled and clapped at that point of "wow how interesting that your children are successful everywhere else but in their relationship with you."
The pattern truly is astounding once you catch onto it.
Every toxic family needs a scapegoat. When the scapegoat removes themselves it disrupts the “balance” and roles of the family.
@@leighb8485 They then commute against the enemy in absence.
Love that line she quoted: "It's time to get real and tell them to eff off"! Well, your children already did that to you. 😬
There’s so much “you can’t fire me, I quit” energy 😂
@@spicyautistyes! I came here to say exactly that!
@@MaggieMay1013 isn’t it sad how alike they are?
My family believed that keeping silent was a moral virtue. They tend to believe that being abused is just as shameful as being an abuser. If everyone knows your family is dysfunctional then it reflects badly on you as well as all the other family members. This is why these parents are horrified that the children are “airing their dirty laundry in public.” They really are not ashamed of their behavior, but instead they are angry that the kid is telling everyone.
Uhhh yes! My family are the same. They want me and others to be ashamed to save themselves any uncomfortable feelings. I was seen as the problem for not playing nice with certain abusers in the family. Ridiculous. Why a mother would want PDFs around her children idk. All because "it's family". They can F right off. And I'm not going to stay quiet about it either 😊
It really is a cultural pattern. It stems from the times when your survival was connected to how you were integrated into the group and it was pushed forward from generation to generation.
And thats how you know, that they know, what they are doing is wrong.
Very interesting perspective. I believe this is where loyalty comes in and the felt betrayal from family. They don’t understand honesty as an option. They believe that telling the truth is condemning them and can only come from maliciousness. This comes from the assumption that everything is how it is and cannot be changed. Like, how we don’t make fun of people’s natural characteristics, dysfunctional families views abuse as a way of life. They take it as a critique of who they are and not what they do.
It’s an us or them mentality, simply because they lack flexibility in thinking.
One time in elementary school I stayed the night at another kid's house and apparently told them about something that happens in our family that my mom didn't want them to hear. For some reason she just started singing the song "Dirty Laundry" by Don Henley to me. I didn't even know what in the world that phrase meant (which she laughed at me for) but she was also RAGING. It's hard telling what I even said, none of her reactions ever really made sense, but the most important lesson she wanted to pound into me was that I NEVER tell anyone anything about what happens in our family. It was definitely a threat, too. They know their behavior is horrific but they'll spend an inordinate amount of energy making sure no one else ever sees or hears about any of it.
These people are so ego driven they'll call an infant evil for not giving them enough validation
Cluster Bs do this.
A lot of people think like that when you read through comment sections of topics that involve children.
My adoptive mother made an active choice not to bond with me for the first 2 years of my life just in case her sister wanted me back. So that's how my life started!
I've read before that a lot of these mothers feel like it's a personal rejection if their baby does things like not make enough eye contact or doesn't like to be handled as much as the mother wants. I also think a lot of these mothers would have been resentful of their children anyway, but since they seem to be constantly searching for things to get upset about (and rage at) it could be another excuse someone came up with to give them a more clinical benefit of the doubt. That they definitely don't deserve.
Don't forget their obsession with gaining compliance from children through violence.
Oof. The allergy thing hits so hard.
My grandpa was a vegetarian from 1960-ish forward. My grandmother was embarrassed by him politely asking for the vegetarian menu when it became a more mainstream thing. Now, as an adult grandchild, my _severe_ allergies to the Nightshade Family of foods (so no potatoes, tomatoes, nothing hot [not including table pepper/black & white pepper, ginger, those kinds of “hot” are fine], etc) is treated as a choice. She huffs, rolls her eyes, and treats me as a picky eater or insisting on my way or as if I’m making a huge deal out of not eating the food she laid out that was prepared with sweet peppers and sticking to the pretzels and dip that “my house” (so myself, mom, or my SO) brought for whatever holiday we got strong armed into attending.
It’s at the point where my SO, my mom, and _his_ mom have a rotating group of “never leave me alone” so I can’t be reprimanded for not “eating some of each snack dish.” (Also my grandmother was horrific to my grandpa in his final years and now has my aunt not only in similar footsteps as the still golden child, but also as a flying monkey.)
My allergies aren’t a joke or a choice. It _sucks_ knowing I can’t eat a lot of things because potato starch is used in it. Not to mention I have become more allergic as the years have progressed so when I was a tween I could eat a slice of pizza without also downing half a thing of Benadryl, and now I can’t. I miss the foods I used to at least like I can’t have.
I hate it when parents/grandparents like this completely disregard medical issues. I’ve had bad knees for my whole life, does anyone outside of my tiny bubble know that? No, because that same “grandmother” of mine just never told the rest of the family and when they did ask when I was young, she lied and said it was my/my mom’s choice to not visit out of basically laziness. (Don’t get me started on my father and the way he used my medical issues and embellished them for dating brownie points.)
Yeah this is just awful
I will never understand wanting to force people into certain diets
And def will never understand not taking people's allergies seriously?
Oh, that sucks. No-one would willingly not eat potatoes/potato starch just to be difficult in the western world. They're not only delish, but basically almost unavoidable. Taking someone's severe allergy as a personal slight/insult is so arrogant! And even if it was just a food preference, (which I'm not implying it is at all) - why can people just not take that personally, and let people eat what they want?! Abuse around food really grinds my gears. That's such a messed up part of life to terroroise someone about. Very dangerous in so many ways. So sorry that is happening to you.
Wow Im sorry about the potato starch especially, that has become a big thing to replace wheat as a thickening agent to make products gluten free for folks like my family with celiac disease. I know how hard it is to navigate life with a food allergy. Wheat is a lot of places you wouldn't think, just like your allergens are. At first it was just my older sister diagnosed with it, so she got the brunt of that kind of treatment until the rest of us were diagnosed. Hang in there for your health and I hope you do better as time goes on.
@@arc8584 as much as it sucks, I really appreciate people with _other_ allergies/issues in that department. It’s a sort of camaraderie _and_ I can (outside of my grandmother) make the comparison that my issues are similar.
It’s very weird, because, as you said, potato starch is everywhere (even in my prescribed meds! I can’t get meds filled at big pharmacies because they refuse to check for ingredients, which I don’t believe is legal but eh,) especially in gluten free stuff (I’m not terrible with wheat but it will make my joints stiff). I can do highly refined cellulose gum (medical grade), but not the food grade stuff so if they don’t have potato starch they have vaguely named “cellulose” in it (less a “go to the hospital” and more “seemed to have caught a stomach bug for two days”) but other thickeners like such that are named: Xantham, Carob, Guar, that sort, are fine. So I’m just really careful. Especially because something that might have used corn starch will switch so I check.
I’m so sorry your whole family is dealing with it. A family friend has it (brain can’t spell atm) and it seems really uncomfortable.
Good luck to you and your family!
@@catasrophieGrrl This response and the humor made me smile, so thank you. :3
And I agree! I miss pizza (only was able to eat it as a young child,) I miss chips, I miss baked beans that have (now?) added tomato paste, I miss fries etc etc etc. Oh, and I love Philly cheese steak and grilled green peppers :/ If I had an option, even knowing some of the scientific articles I’ve read on the effects of potatoes on livestock (it’s less than good) I’d still have the occasional fry or something.
Also, y’all might appreciate this for the absurdity: my SO? The one who sticks to me like glue to keep my grandmother from cornering me about my “dietary choices”? Yeah, he’s from New Orleans.
Man has changed the entire way he cooks because cooking with those hot spices can make me react. He’s also found work around a for tomato paste/sauce for things that _need_ that kind of flavor. He’s a sweetie.
I don't think every one of these parents expects estrangement, only because they don't expect their kids to push back. They put up with bad behavior from their parents so they expect their kids to do the same.
I don't think they even put up with it in a lot of cases, more like they became worse versions.
@@fatuusdottore true.
you're definitely right
it's much more of a how did they not see this coming?
I think many of them actually know it might be coming at some point, so a lot of their responses have been rehearsed in their heads for years in case it happens - it's still weird how they're all the same responses though. They're usually very simplistic thinkers, so maybe that's a big part of it. Unfortunately they never learned how (or care to try) to handle their emotions or behaviors, so when the estrangement finally comes they still respond with that same old explosion of rage / resentment / entitlement etc. that they display every day anyway. The "disbelief" and "confusion" they pretend to have is another of their surface level manipulation / self victimizing tactics that are incredibly easy to see through once someone has recognized what it is.
They can't handle the concept they were harmed, it's terrifying to them so they're on the generational trauma frieght train. There's things my mother said that didn't reflect reality about me. It's like she was just playing a recording.
It’s so much easier to just apologize and change your behavior. All of this energy and effort just to be right.
They have to find some way to be right because they can never be wrong.
They’re mentally ill. You can’t really save ppl like that. You just have to watch from afar
Wow. Knowing how many of these adult children are choosing estrangement not even just for themselves but to protect their OWN children from being harmed the way they were in childhood..that casts a whole new light on this whole thing :(
i'm really big on not judging people for their relationship with their parents
regardless of what it is
I went to school with a ton of people who had very right wing parents who were also racist, or homophobic, and later on transphobic and I'm really big on your relationship with your parents is not my business when they'd be like yeah they're racist but they're my parents or they're not bad people
BUT
i 100% think it is your job to protect the people you bring around your parents if that's what you're gonna do
whether that's friends
or any children you bring into the world
so good for the kids who are able to set and hold a boundary for the safety of their children
That was the final driving factor for me. I wanted to make sure my son never went through what I did.
Well before modern technology, people just cut family off by moving far away. lol Now we actually gotta take steps to cut people out because we're so mobile and electronically connected. That's why going 'no contact' is such a NEW thing. Before the 1900s when a child wanted to get away from a nasty parent they just moved a long ways away, then they only had to actually interact with that parent possibly a once or twice more before they died of old age at 60-70, if that! Edit: Diane idolizes HERSELF.
We can firmly “blame” modern medicine for this, basically 1940-forward. People are living longer and most/all of the tech we have now is thanks to natural progression after the leaps from Radio and the Telephone because of WWII.
Also, some estranged parents will hunt you down, even if you moved, and I think that became a worse problem when both men and women were allowed/able to drive-twice the potential estrangement and different reactions.
Not the 1900s obv, but in _1990s_ my grandmother hunted my mom down after she moved. And has recently said she’s going to follow both my mom and myself wherever we go so I can (and my SO but she also doesn’t like him so maybe not) can take care of her, my aunt, and (“maybe”) my mom when everyone is older-grandmother is in her 90s-and that is just _wild_ to me because: I have some serious joint and medical problems and I would not be physically capable of lifting a whole person to help with daily living, nor standing to cook. Also, the _nerve_ that woman has to say she’ll saddle me and my so with three people, two of which I hate, in their “old age” is beyond me. And to try and force my SO into it when he’s A) not my husband, and B) they’re not his family!
My mom went from joking about changing her name to seriously considering it and considering getting a post office box/address in like… Alaska, and dropping off the map. As the only grandchild, I’m about to do the same thing.
Interesting comment!
I also always thought about this. Sending letters was very expensive and you would also pay upon receiving the letter (this is because many letters were lost so it didn’t make sense to pay ahead of time). You could send very few letters and be virtually NC with no stigma
Hahahaha love your edit. 💙
That’s an excellent point.
The bit about "showing them what real abuse looks like" made me think of when I ask mom to stop yelling. She always tells me "you haven't heard me yelling yet" or "I'll show you yelling".
Normal people wouldn't dream of saying that. I wouldn't wish what I went through on anyone
@@HillbillyYEEHAA I'm so sorry you went through what you did.
@@nicolesouza8that’s… just wild. I suppose it’s more wild about the yelling to me because if someone is already yelling/screaming do they… just scream/yell louder if they’re already doing it full volume?
I’ve run into the “I wish I’d beaten you as a child like I was because then you’d be afraid enough to listen.” Which as an autistic person who gets overstimulated and then promptly goes and hides to not have something I say when overstimulated taken out of context and triggering a fight, that is literally the worse thing someone can do while another person is in the middle of attempting to just quietly meltdown in a corner in the dark.
When I’ve responded with “no, you really don’t, that just would have normalized violence to me and told me that I could physically retaliate against you while overstimulated. I might be smaller but I’m much stronger and you’d have been dealing with someone who you told could hit you back in a ‘turn about is fair play’ way of me wanting to defend myself to not have pain on top of overstimulation.”
I don’t even bother going down the “you probably didn’t ’turn out okay’ if you think child ab^se is okay” route. It’s nuts to me that people are like this.
I hope you can put distance between yourself and your mom and heal, OP.
@@Crisjola thank you. I kinda don't ever feel like I can be independent, so it's extra hard bc of that. Hopefully we can all heal from all of the mistreatment we've been through
My dad would order me to stop crying "before he gave me something to cry about".
😞
"Sweet and loving" reminds me of the stay sweet documentary. Its a way to manipulate the kids behavior and have them be compliant drones that dont have thoughts or needs of their own. So gross.
That one hit me too as having P3do energy which checks out since it hit you in the keep sweet alarm center
Every statement from these estranged parents flows with hatred and resentment, and believe me, their kids felt that feeling their entire lives before they were finally able to break free. Take an EP's favorite "toy" away and just watch how the venom spews from them. Absolute control freaks.
I never felt resentment coming from my dad. I felt he was burnt out. Pretty certain he's autistic so it makes sense that he was tapped out completely. Still that meant that maybe he shouldn't have had kids. I'm estranged from him because always being rejected and an afterthought was very painful. My mom was the one stuck in resentment, but it wasn't a!ways directed at me. It's because my dad was already tapped out.
I hadn't planned on becoming a parent. I remember my mom telling me how much she hoped I'd end up with a child just like me.
Luckily enough, I did. And now I know just how easy i was to love. They're only elementary school, but I've instilled the idea that it's okay to cut anyone off who's causing you harm, including me
I needed this. Just got off the phone with my mother who I'd previously gone NC with. So many of them just do not change. These videos are giving me the confidence to go through with it again. Thank you for continuing this series of uploads.
I went NC with my entire family about a month ago and it was so fucking hard. The guilt is awful and it actually makes me mad at myself bc I don't deserve to feel guilty. We're all here for you. Do what is best for YOU.
@@marahbaker8615 She's the only one left I have to cut out. I lied to myself for the past six years that she finally got it because she checked herself in to a mental health unit. Nope. Now she just holds a grudge against the family for not saving me from her... that's for me to be angry about. Not you.
I'm estranged from my father. He's had countless chances, but he rejected me so I let go and accepted that reality.
If she hasn't changed by now she won't--I ignored my dad for one week and he entirely changed his behavior around me to prevent that from happening again. It was hard for him to learn to swallow his tongue when he wanted to be a dilhole, but he decided it was easier than dealing with not getting to see me.
She's capable, but unwilling, and that means her pain at losing you is her choice to carry, you don't need to carry it either--your own is heavy enough.
I wish you all the luck you need
Lol my mother was like, I’m going to write you out of my will. And i’m like bit** you’re POOR🌞 there is nothing in that will. And even if there was, I wouldn’t want it
It was not so clever from you, now she is looking for other ways to screw you up. :] I also understand that you felt good because you stand your ground in an argument.
But keep in mind that negative affection is also a good source for them. While you act hateful towards her, inside she feels sadistic joy because you are destroying your good self. When you act bad, they have it so easy to look good. That way you are still an ally of her, you are helping her fake theatre be fully operational.
@@realhet From how it read, I don't think she really responded that way. It seems like it was more of a thought in her head, and the real response was grey rocking.
@@realhetLol, have you convinced yourself yet? Feel better about how you’re estranged from your kids yet perhaps…?
@@MommyMoniquex5 I think you're asking the OP, but now that you mentioned me... I'm the last 'kid'. I was 'lucky' that my narcissistic parents got divorced early and that way my narcissistic personality disorder was not fully developed. Unlike my parents I am able to not pass it forward, I'm able to obstruct it (it gives me sadistic supply btw ;). No one will inherit that shit from me. I don't want to punish the next generation, I just want my free will, the full control over myself and zero control over anyone else. In return I don't let 99% of the people to control me. It's a fair deal.
You may wonder how can someone not want the love of her/his own child.
The answer in my case is easy: I don't know what unconditional love is. My brain automatically translate every kind of positive emotions to a warning sign: Watch out, you will be used. I have no access to positive feelings, so the best I can do is not being a master of negative feelings and victimize other people like I was meant to, but be at peace with the *nothing* in between negative and positive.
Drives me CRAZY that these estranged parents always think TikTok has given their kids the idea to cut them off. How condescending on top of being completely wrong. So not only do you not acknowledge your kids feeling but you also think so little of them that they couldn’t possibly have their own thoughts and wake up to the abuse! F off
It's weird since a number of these people chose estrangement at some point with their parents. Why be shocked your kid followed tradition at that point.
It’s like people who think TikTok is making kids gay/trans.
I always wanna ask those people
“What could you have been shown as a teenager that would have convinced you you were actually attracted to men, not women? Or actually wanted to be a girl?”
Because of course there’s NOTHING. Nothing will make you think/feel that way, people make decisions about/for themselves and their own lives based on the experiences they’ve had and their own thoughts/feelings! 🤦🏻♀️
Damn, I think my mother wrote that letter about Me always being miserable from birth. As an adult I know babies cry when they are uncomfortable. As an adult I took myself to a Dr. I'm gluten, lactose intolerance and have IBS. No wonder i was a miserable little being. I felt sick evey day. I was constipated. ❤ from estranged daughter in Australia
I have reflux from a haital hernia, when my mon undermined me it would flare up and then she would tell me my anger is making me sick, but in a snotty way.
@@tamaryne489I have this too, and it happens because I suck my stomach in when I'm anxious. Relaxing the muscles around stomach has helped me.
My cousin has always hated milk, ever since she was a little girl, and her mum would try to force her to drink it. When she became an adult it turns out she had actual milk allergies (not sure if she is lactose intolerant or something else). When she told her mum and suggested she probably hated milk as a child because it made her feel sick because she's allergic her mum said "Don't be stupid, milk allergies don't exist in our homeland!" 😂
There's been work showing that stress can cause and/or aggravate some digestive issues, potentially due the abundance of receptors in the digestive system.
My mother also said that about me, and I only just now (nearly 40) made the connection to the fact that I live with chronic illness as an adult, along with being lactose intolerant.
The estranged parents only want access to the grandchildren because they view the grandchildren as "Do Over" options. That's why they feel so utterly entitled to the grandchildren - they aren't mini humans to the estranged parents, just property. Ick.
Every projection a confession - many such cases
I like to call them Professional Confessional Projectionists, 😅
I joined one of these groups, in an attempt to understand the ‘other side’. All they want is to complain and get sympathy. As opposed to the estranged ‘children’ group I belong to, which actively tries to give honest feedback, as well as support. The children would do just about anything to restore/have the relationship and are actively engaging in their own self reflection. The parents have ZERO desire to self reflect. It is their way, or no way. They all feel that they have been betrayed and have zero culpability.
There are going to be a LOT of selfish, narcissistic boomers that end up alone, in a nursing home, at the end of life.
23:30 if this sounds similar to your narc, and you have children, PLEASE look up if your state has grandparents rights and seek legal counsel to proactively see how you can protect yourself. I'm lucky enough to live in a state without grandparents rights but I anticipate false CPS reports if my mother gets pissed off enough.
If you get really nervous call the local CPS people and explain the situation to them! Pointing out that you have a vindictive party who would want to weaponize CPS is something they can put on a note for/about you and will absolutely be beneficial for whatever happens down the road.
@@haleyspenceThey are obligated to follow reports in general. No matter how often a grandparent calls them.
@@oOIIIMIIIOo I know, but it still helps the process go over more smoothly when/if it does happen, at least that's how I was advised
17:24 "I raised them to be sweet and loving"
What do you supposed that means?
That she did everything so they'd be safe, happy, feel respected? So being sweet would come naturally?
That she was sweet and loving to them?
Or ... that she ordered them to be sweet and loving and punished them when they weren't?
You get kicked out of estranged parents' group chat when you call other parents that talk like what she is reading to account. And the administrators and even the chat therapist they connect you with are the worst perpetrators of these awful things. I know. I was kicked out of You Are Not Alone Facebook group for estranged parents for saying that estrangement was not anything like death of an adult child (it's not) or that adult children are evil for setting boundaries ( they are standing up for their mental health) and final straw posting link to Diane's first video as what not to do if you ever want to reconcile. Stay away from these angry echo chambers
This is my problem with 90% of online groups. It’s all so cultish. Just an echo chamber where you go to never grow as a human. The internet is not a safe space but people will pretend it is by making or participating in these kinds of groups.
Anyone else's parents ever say " I brought you into this world and I can take you out of it" 😂 that was a good one.
It was old when Bill Cosby told the joke in “Himself” in the 80s
They are never original
@@JenSell1626 I didn't know that! 😬
There's something like that in Gogol's "Taras Bulba". Written in 19th century 😂
My mom didn't understand why I didn't like that phrase or think it was funny. She certainly thought it was, though the only types of humor she likes are either mean-spirited or mockery.
I think "respect" was very overgeneralized in past decades to mean something like "if you dont accept my abuse, you are disrespectful". I seen it while i was growing up, not only the parents but teachers and other adults around the child felt entitled to treat a child as they seen fit, even if it included abuse.
But especially with parents in my country it was out of control, like cultural norm was encouraging parents to see their children as extension of themselves and it is frowned upon to criticize your parents, even the criticism against them is slight.
In my opinion we need to normalize that "respect" shouldnt be a given but instead something achieved based on the actions of the other person, not their social status, nor the type of relationship you have with that person. "Respect" should function the same way as trust, you can build it or you can lose it.
Respect for these people: Treat me like I'm your superior or I will not treat you like a human.
Parents have our kids entire lives (so far) to earn our child's respect. We made them, we *owe* them that effort to be worth respecting more than they owe us gratitude for existing.
that part
@@haleyspence what they see as "respect" goes beyond just that. What they want is _deference,_ as though they are your superior.
I agree with basic respect, as in recognizing each other's rights and needs as individuals, and respecting healthy boundaries.
People confuse respect with fear and obedience
I heard it explained as that older generations were taught respect means "obedience to authority" while younger generations were taught respect means "treating others equally/how they want to be treated" and as a result when we are having conversations about respect we don't often realize we are talking about two separate concepts.
The fear doesnt last either. Ive seen over and over the fear just becoming so tiring to feel the child, teenager or adult just becomes noncholant. We can only feel for so long and so much.
I myself have just become numb towards my own father.
i've been nc with a parent for nine years now, was nc with the other for three(? time is an illusion when you're in autistic burnout) years. one of them changed. accepted my boundaries, went to therapy themself. treats me with respect and cares about me. the other responded to me giving clear examples of behavior that hurt me with "well, you can reach back out when you feel better". guess which one is the nine years and counting one. no reflection of their own behavior, and willingness to change, but instead the expectation that i need to work on accepting that behavior.
what's really jarring to me, is having ppl in my life now that i've known for two years, a year, six months who are not related to me but who treat me much better than ppl who were supposed to love me unconditionally. i'm incredibly thankful for my friends, and their support. but at the same time, being reaffirmed and respected more times in half a year, than i was in two decades and more by the ones that raised me, it kind of does my head in. and really drives home how dysfunctional and disrespectful my blood family is.
Wow, 😅 did I write this and forget? This sounds almost exactly like my story, and I'm so glad we now have the love and respect and support we deserve, 🎉
It always makes me laugh hearing them complain. Knowing they’re never getting their way.
Giving your grandchild foods that you’ve been repeatedly told they are allergic to is wild 😮😢. Estrangement seems like a fairly mild consequence under those circumstances. I’d be looking for a way to press charges.
A lot of these parents don't "believe" in food allergies (unless they think they have one, then that one is "legitimate"). Telling them not to do something makes them want to do it even more because they're perpetually spiteful toddlers.
I was relieved the last time my mother threw a tantrum, it was a relief to block her.
They’ll be surprised when this finally happens.
Narcissists cause estrangements.
I’m sorry but the boundaries for grandparents absolutely killed me😂😂😂 like bish you need to be told not to poison a child!?!
Yooo that one has me thinking, my mother would have unalived someone who even joked about poisoning my child with an allergin.
Imagine saying "oh they say if they cause you trauma you should cut them out." And think thats ridiculous. That's a person outing themselves as causing trauma in people they claim to love.
My covert narc mother always boohooed because I couldn’t love her and of course blamed me. Gee I wonder why. But for 60 years I thought it was me with the problem. Nope. It’s all her. She created what she calls a cold unloving child. I’m fully capable of love. But not to narcissists.
we dont talk to my bfs mom... havent for years because she is toxic.
our child wont cut us off because we dont abuse her and we respect her as an individual. its literally that simple
Re: ignoring boundaries - I think this boils down to those parents whose kids would define as being "good parents" in their childhood, but the moment puberty or pre-adolescence hit, those parents seemed to actively dislike their kids and hate having them around, simply because a teenager or pre-teen now has their own voice and opinions and can disagree with the parents and stand up for themselves. I think it also boils down to those parents with a self-fulfilling prophecy of, "My child was rude to me and unappreciative when I was just trying to be thoughtful!", all the while the child was rude because they established/expressed a boundary or "rule" that was dismissed by the parent; this happens a lot once grandkids are in the picture and the grandparent thinks they know better than their adult child about what to do with the grandchild, then belittles the parenting style that goes against what the grandparent did because it was likely hurtful or abusive.
15 years of estrangement, and my "father" still tell people my sisters and I are brats and he "should have beaten us more". He doesn't know my kids. No-one is entitled to their children's or grandchildren's presence. No-one is entitled to occasions for more abuse...
What is their obsession with gaining compliance via violence? Very very f@scistic.
Amazing that he continues to tell on himself over a decade later. At least he’s doing everyone a favor and advertising how shitty he is.
@@ryn3872 Yes, the good side of is that I have no doubt about making the right choice. He can't guilt trap me and I'm aware that he did this to himself. Some parents are more insidious
If you put estranged parents in a room, they'll all come out of it being sainted and knighted by each other.
"The grandparents are often nicer to the grandchildren than their children"
Remember: this DOES NOT mean they are less abusive, just less overt at first.
Babies that have issues with physical touch are often neurodivergent. Which means the parent is likely neurodivergent too, but they'll probably never realise/consider either fact in how they approach parenting
I see that type of ignorance so often.
I think it IS unexpected : as they were truly believing that they could do anything to their child and the child was stuck with them and would never be able to leave them. Same in divorces. Many husband claim that they were "dumfounded" or "blindsided" because they KNEW their wife was unhappy, they just were absolutely persuaded that she would just accept a permanent level of unhappiness. In both cases, they are entitled people, unable to see others as equals = unable to love.
4:90 I respect you so much saying we don't judge people for their grammar. I have dyslexia. Judge me by my actions, intent, values and content not my spelling and grammar. Same for horrible people. Let's not lower ourselves to their level by criticising language abilities
In a family system there is always the scapegoat and when the scapegoat leaves - emotional crisis ensues.
My grandchildren are a joy to me, but I don't give them a Tylenol without asking their parents, just out of respect. And I also had wonderful parents.
Using an inheritance as leverage has always baffled me. Both sides; parents using it as a threat, as well as adult children subjecting themselves to continued abuse and "humoring" heinous parental behavior based on the promise of an inheritance that may or may not exist in the end. I would rather them take every single thing they own (cash included) and build a big bonfire with it. I'll even show up with marshmallows.
Most of these parents are the kind of people to blow anything they could have passed on before they go. Good on these parents for not passing on all their debt and their useless stuff to their children.
I went lc/nc w my parents before it has a name. Now I’m 57 w 3 grown children and 2 grandchildren. Guess how many have gone nc? None. Not one. I have a great relationship w my kids my grandkids and their partners and their in-laws. 🤦🏽♀️
I remember my mum once telling us she hated all three of her kids after we got to the age of 8. We were too loud, too opinionated, we disagreed with too much, we had too much individualism. I think some people really think they have printed mini-mes and when they discover their kids are individuals with their own thoughts and feelings, it blows their mind and they can't handle the lack of control. That is what half these parents sound like. They wanted obedient little versions of themselves and what they got are human children.
24:04 My mother's own actions made it so my 30 year old niece never visits us. And yet, my mother acts like it's my niece in the wrong...
You are a hero, Max.
“Are they dumb or are they delusional” yes. Just. Yes.
This lady is awesome 🙌
It is all so hypocritical. The estranged parents complain that the adult child wants power and control because that's what they want 😂 all I ever wanted was safety. The thing about feeling like a God was weird. Maybe that's how they felt controlling little children.
Social media is so bad but they're using it too. So it's okay for them to find help groups. Screw your kids boundaries huh? Okay let's see how far that gets you. Wow, this is worse than i thought it was going to be! The boundaries with grandchildren are just common sense.
Should have shown them real abuse. That's the kind of mindset my mother has. Oh this is nothing. What you are complaining about 🙄 like they are showing restraint because deep down they wanted to hurt their kids even worse.
Man this was rough... seems like they always hated their children.
Thanks to this woman who went to these estranged parents groups so we don't have to.
14:48 it’s wild to think that the only saving grace these people had in their childhood was the thought that they could do the same to their own children and think they will end up fine
My father and I had an awful relationship for most of my life up through my 20s. The thing that made him change?
His brother lived alone, old, weakened, and surrounded by stuff he was paranoid about losing through a relationship or family. I really think it took having to sort out his brother's life for him when he was suffering too much from cancer and dementia to do that for himself to make my father realize what he had, and what he had to lose. People CAN change, but it sounds like the group mentality they're feeding into is keeping them from the actual accounting they'd have to do to repair a relationship with their children. Really sad to see.
"I wont be told what i can do by my kid!" Has the same energy of "youre not my mom you cant telll me what to do!" From a 5 year old. Treating a 40yolike a child is childish in itself wtf
You say they are upset that they are breaking a cycle? I think it is more than that. I think these people have trouble acknowledging that they are still a parent, but the dynamic changes when the "child" ages. These parents may only know how to lecture their offspring and tell them what to do. They may only know how to be an authoritarian who is obeyed. They don't know how to relate to their adult child as an adult and still see them as pre-adolescent mentally. I think they have trouble letting go of the power they had over that person when they were a child. I say this as someone who went no-contact with my father for over a year based on his behavior towards me.
Also, the 19:40 comment about boundaries? I bet these people want to tell their kids how to live though and ignore their boundaries. Again, this is about power as she reiterates at 29:30.
I didn't go NC w/ my abusive mom u til I was 40 (almost 3 yrs ago). My sis just went super-LC with her this year(she's 2.5 yrs older than me. We gave way too many chanves and tried everything. Mom will never change and it's better for us to love her but not allow her toxicity in our lives
Unbelievably sad I hope they find therapy to help. Unfortunately I do know people who have estranged children or parents due to drugs, cult involvement etc but that doesn’t seem to be the case here. If someone you love distanced themselves from you please understand that publicly shaming them, sharing private information from your relationship etc is only going to push them further away
I am so happy for the young adults that they have platforms like yours where they find support and solace. When I cut contact with my parents in the year 2000, it was very different and for years there was a lot of gaslighting and stigma. Now I am in my 50s and have a very good relationship with my daughters who are in their thirties. I believe that cutting off contact with my parents was very good for me and I want to offer strength and good energy to those who do the same. I always tell my children that having children is a most selfish act- they did not ask to be put on this planet, I try to make their lives as pleasant as possible by offering support and comfort.
Thanks! ❤
That must've been so hard
I was pretty alone for a little while after my last major breakup
We had moved to a new city together and i never really made friends
But i ended up finding a ton of people who i enjoyed being around online and have now met most of them in person
I can't imagine how much I would've struggled if I hadn't had that option
Calling having children the most selfish act is a really nice way of looking at it
And holding yourself onto that responsibility instead of stamping it onto your children
@@Maximmmino thank you for your kind words-yes it was very difficult, and I cant say it enough that's why I am very happy that there is community for us now- sending you good energy and strength.
Boundaries aren’t about telling others how to behave, they’re there to protect us from abusive people.
I taught my daughters to have strung boundaries.
"Screw your boundaries, I won't let anyone treat me like that" sounds an AWFUL lot like a boundary 🥲
They understand boundaries fine, but they're the only ones who get them.
Once children are born, you are a parent, regardless of what you do.
Im an estranged parent, the shit i hear these people say blows my mind.
20:20 PREACH. Oh you don’t like treating people as your equal? Immediately subhuman
MAX: my family is a case of "no one saw it coming." My mom and I were BFFs and a week before everything happened, i would have said it would never happen to us.
But it was because of her lies, and everything she had been hiding for months. To us, it was out of the blue, but to her, it was just a reckoning of her actions
That is wild to think about
Normally the stories I read about a separation coming out of nowhere are between romantic partners where one was hiding a whole other life, or debt, or relationship
One who was hiding their family in general
She told her fiance that her family had all passed but he noticed that she was spending a lot of time in her hometown and followed her to her very very alive mother's house after thinking she had died years before they met
@@Maximmmino my mom was my bestie, and I actually moved in to their house at HER REQUEST at one point in my 30s because she was caring for my dad who has MS. I learned later, about a term called "enmeshment," which I recommend looking into if you're into understanding family dynamics. Before putting my dad in a nursing home (after I'd bought a house and moved .25 miles from them) she came over one night and confessed that shed been having an affair with my ex for several months. (Later turned out to have been going on even longer) And when I lost my mind and told her that if she didn't cut ties with him I couldn't be around her, she lied to my whole family about it and told them I was making it up... For 2 years, until they actually put all the pieces together.
This video was really informative & insightful. I learned a great deal and got some new perspective on this subject.
Perhaps the only time estrangement would truly come unexpected would be if the child got Hollywood-style retrograde amnesia or suffered a brain tumour. Yet I don't think there are *that* many cases of amnesia out there causing the children to forget their parents' contact info...
It’s crazy how possessive these people get over their grand children. Yes, they are your grandchild but first and more importantly - they are your child’s children and not yours. You’re not entitled to them in any way. access to grand kids is a privilege, not a right.
My mom causes me the most trauma out of everything that’s ever caused me trauma, and I don’t think she even notices. I still don’t even know if she means to or not. I would consider going no contact if I weren’t disabled and didn’t absolutely need her.
I would literally crawl in a hole in shame if one of my kids felt this way about me. She’s full of shit with her tough exterior. Her pain is palpable.
Whoa, buddy. The woman reading the papers and quotes she pulled off is _not_ one of these parents. She’s a trauma councilor and an adult estranged child by her own admission. Her pain is palpable because she’s got the same experiences we all do.
@@Crisjola I am curious if this person here will admit that they were in the wrong themselves. I see it a lot that they have similiar traits as those they complain about. 😏🙂
The woman speaking is a therapist, not an estranged parent.
"accidentally joined a cult" sounds like my family. Took me way too long why i was so interested in cult documentaries. 😂
Yup
I don't think I'm a complete outlyer for the fact that my mom is both liberal and prone to violence and manipulation - I think the difference is that her type is more likely to just pretend they don't have a child instead of get loud about it. It would hurt her too much to realize or become aware she goes full feral-animal when angry. She does tell those who know about me that I was brainwashed by her ex.
The politics of an individual doesn't impact their character. Both are separate things
@@Sarah-with-an-HAgreed. My MIL is this type and she’s opposite politically to me. She’s way more conservative. I think it’s an individual personality issue
Thanks for sharing this video, loving this lady’s energy 🙌
Im glad my younger step brother got married to a lovely scholar lady. She finally had a daughter she can flaunt and treat right.
I’m not estranged from my mom. I haven’t seen my dad since I was 12, but it wasn’t a decision I made, he must have been abducted by aliens. 🤷🏻 this conversation is really interesting.
I am so excited to watch this!
Wow, every video you put out leaves me gutted. I was estranged at 15 and my parents are an extreme example of these self-pitying abusers. It hit home when you said that they look at their parenting relationship like a job. Throughout my whole life I heard that I could do what I wanted at 18, even if it meant eating a burger or hanging out with my friends. They were so happy to get rid of me before the contract was officially done. I got emancipated on the condition that I would not press charges for various forms of abuse. At 50 years old today sometimes I wonder why the courts left a kid to make that decision (of course I signed for freedom immediately) and how life for my estranged parents would be today if things had been different (lock them up). My sexually abusive father remarried after their divorce and ended up with two fresh teenage girls under his roof. So much comes up when I tune in to you... But it is healing, even though I have a pit in my stomach. Thank you Maximino.
I hope you're getting counseling for PTSD after listening to all that estranged parent BS. That must have been horrible.
That we have no choive until they've destroyed us completely.
Sounds like my job 😊
"Maybe brainwashing is just funny that way" *cold* *bar* 😶
30:55 another big reason for not wanting the grandparents to bring gifts all the time is that the gifts are really just a tool for manipulation.
If they have a falling out with the parent then the toys can be used as a way of manipulating the child,
“Your mommy is so mean, I wasn’t allowed to come to your birthday because she doesn’t want me to give you all these nice toys I have for you!”
“I got you so many toys for christmas, you should tell your mommy you want to come over to see grandma!”
Needless to say, the toys aren’t worth it.
It’s a very common tactic, I see it all the time with my friend who has a 10yo daughter and an abusive narc mom.
She uses the granddaughter as a way of manipulating her daughter all the time.
I keep my mum at arms length. We text and stuff. Took 10years of me setting lines, boundaries and walls. When we do chat on the phone she will always throw at least 1 guilt trip but will be honest about all the shitty things she did. She partly blames her celiac and the divorce. Hense the distance. But with time i also just dont care about all the shitty things she did. It isnt excuseable and i will not be helping her in her retirement. But sometimes it kind of works out if the parent does some therapy and tries to do better. They will always be hiccups cuz at the end of the day thats who they are but if you set up the right tools, you may be ok. Some people dont deserve your kindess. She tried to get forgiveness mostly to appease herself but she sure as hell cant flaunt our relationship to her peers. And im happy about that.
What is so amusing to me with these ppl is how badly their own dysfunction is hurting them. Simply cutting off access makes their whole life crumble. That‘s what happens when you are deluded in the idea that you couldn‘t ever be in the wrong.
My mom wasn‘t always a perfect parent. But u know what she did? She apologized, made an effort to be better. And that also applies to me as well. It‘s about both ppl being self analytical, trying to make it a good relationship and listening honestly to one another without trying to be judgemental or inconsiderate. We put a lot of work into our relationship and we‘re still really close because of that. If you as a parent can‘t do the bare minimum of treating respectfully ppl you create and put into this world, you don‘t deserve unlimited access to them. This is the punishment. Sitting in a miserable hate group that makes you hold onto that hate and pain cause you simply refuse to see fault in yourself. You‘ll die miserable and with a heart full of hate. But it‘s not hate for the child as much as hate for the child as a mask to overshadow that the real anger is over this inability to be self critical. May it eat them alive from the inside out, for they do not accept the light they need to see to make a change for the better.
Thise children did so much to mend a bond that is one sided. A bond that is tied to someone deeply selfish and unchanging. If you are their alcohol, take it away. And watch them flounder. Being sober is a wakeup call, and if it leads you to spiral deeper, then that is on you. Not your child.
Why is it that every RUclipsr has a dog? Or why does the algorithm only hook me up with other dog owners?
Dogs are wonderful companions.
A lot of people own dogs??!!? Im so confused. With how many hundreds of millions of households who have them, a lot of those people will be on RUclips😂 im sorry im genuinely confused, im not trying to be mean or rude
maybe it's a sign
It's so crazy to me because I was encouraged and allowed to set boundaries for as long as I can remember. And I respected my kid's boundaries that he set BEFORE he could speak. Their kids were never allowed to have autonomy because they were a child and then as adults they're not allowed to have autonomy because "I'm the parent"
As a child of abuse, I never expected to get anything from my parents. They came it very clear I would get nothing when, despite a court order they decided in my last year of highschool that, nah we aren't going to help with college, also we're going to charge you rent that costs almost every penny you earn while going to school full time. Threatening me with removing me from the will of I don't continue to put up with your abuse? Don't threaten me with good time and a valid excuse to finally cut contact.
My step brother is sometimes no contact with my step mom but his idea of a boundary is to not criticizes him for spanking his non verbal 5 year old getting his son tested for autism. We are lucky to have someone who isn’t these parents
Sometimes trash removes itself. They should def look into having any big incidents reported. We only hate *false* reports as a means of abuse.
Not all estrangement is this type, and you can really see the difference if youre familiar with it.
“CHILDREN USED TO TRULY FEAR THEIR PARENTS, WE SHOULD HAVE SHOWED THEM WHAT REAL ABUSE LOOKS LIKE”
I can’t image why you’re children don’t want to see you anymore when you have such a loving sunshiny personality
when they do break the cycle parents need to be careful to not go the other way entirely. too much or too little are both bad
Hey man I’ve watched some of your videos about this topic. Please take care of yourself. It’s heavy.
Yes, narcissistic people believe in a narcissistic god, or a concept of a narcisstic god creates narcissistic people. 🤷🙂
Hope you cover more of Breakdancing dad here, am interested in your take. I agreed with his original videos but later when he started going on youtube to talk about writing his daughter out of his will, I felt he'd moved beyond defending his reputation and was now just venting dirty laundry.
Yeah we ended up watching a lot of him on stream and it was so much of him not talking about any point that i couldn't bring myself to back and edit it
I'll have the video where he takes madi out of his will out sometime this week
but it's just
so much of him saying nothing
and then occasionally making sure we know he thinks she's faking being gay
@Maximmmino yea, I think that's where he crossed the line. When he was defending himself and clarifying how close he lived to his kids home, how involved he'd been in their lives and so forth, it was all good. But when he went on to start analysing Maddie's behaviour, doubting her sexuality and talking about cutting her out of the will, I felt he had crossed the line. Obviously Maddie is in her 20s and trying to find herself whilst also developing her career, she's young and figuring out who she is and what she wants to do with her life. Once he went from telling his side of the story to criticise her lifestyle choices, he lost me. But dude can waffle on! Lol
I am not greedy so a will is no tactic to manipulate me. I make you a cushion out of your money. 😄
@@legoqueen2445totally with you. They both should have kept it offline but at least he seemed rational at first. At this point, he’s clearly been radicalized online in one of these crackpot groups and is now sounding like every other estranged parent out there. Part of me wondered if this was some sort of brilliant collusion where they were both making bank off of a fake feud, but it looks like she’s dialed it back and he’s still going.
None of these behaviors are loving. People are*terrified* at the idea that their parents suck and don’t love anyone -including them. I had a mother who loved no one. No one. It’s not the mother I wanted but I don’t play head games with myself that there really is a Santa Claus.
My situation is a bit different. Kinda the reverse of a lot of what i hear in these situations. I was born and raised in a cult (not that they admit that is the case) and when (very ironically) i took the religious tenets seriously and decided to act on them as i understood them, it led my dad to eventually kick me out and initiate the no contact.
I tried to keep some kind of relationship, but he has made it clear that he doesnt want to engage beyond the empty polite greeting from him that has more to do with appearances than genuine interest. I know that he considers me a threat to the way he wants the younger siblings to turn out, and i suppose he is right to feel that way.
For me, it has been the pain of accepting that my dad doesn't want anything to do with me simply because i dared to actually seek the truth of the religion that he so fervently believes in. Perhaps more specifically because in seeking my own path to the truth, i defied all the (in)doctrine(ation) around authority and how important it is to obey the men who hold the "true" lineage of authority.
It is wild to me that he doesnt see how destructive his own use of "authority" has been within his own family. For myself, i would talk to him if he acted like he wanted to talk to me. I dont hate him (as much, maybe a little still) because i know that he faced some truly horrific abuse and actually made some significant improvements on what his childhood was. That said, i have realized that i just dont have anything to say to him. I dont have kids yet, but if i did i dont think id ever leave them at my dads house. They could be there if i was, not without me. Not so much because i think they would be in direct danger, but because i wouldnt want my kids to trust my dad the way i did, how all kids trust any adult that they grow used to at an early age.
Lol, in a way i guess i take it as a personal victory that i stayed until he told me to leave. Hearing how most of the time it is the adult child that has to initiate the no contact, i feel a degree of satisfaction knowing that i was stubborn enough to drive my parent to be the one to initiate 😆