Why people hide their true capabilities around Narcissists
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- Опубликовано: 3 мар 2024
- Many people who have grown up in narcissistic families, have long term narcissistic partners or are exposed to long term narcissistic behaviours in workplaces and communities often end up hiding their true capabilities, skills, talents and achievements.
This video is the first in a three part in a series looking at how and why people suppress their true nature and skills and often end up losing their voice.
Second video looks at the long term affect of hiding and suppressing our true selves, and the last part looks at what happens when people begin to express their true talents and ultimately find their voice again.
If you find this video interesting please consider supporting me on Patreon or Substack
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#narcissisticabuseawareness #narcissisticrelationship #mentalhealth
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First part in a series looking at the suppression of talents, capability and beliefs around narcissistic people. This video looks at why people hide their true selves. Next time looking at the long term impact of self suppression and censoring. Lastly I'll be looking at what happens when someone finds their voice, begins utilise their skills, and the impact this can have on the narcissistic people in their lives. Transcript of the video will be available for free on Substack
How would you describe a situation where I had come into some money through a family bereavement that shook the family. I was really happy with the money as it was substantial and was going to be put towards a mortgage deposit for me and my partner.
What unfolded was a week of arguments because I didn't earn the money myself and had been given it. I was shouted at because not everyone just gets money given to them. Bear in mind this was not thrown in anyone's face and was supposed to be good news to share together.
There have been many red flags and obviously this story has a lot more little details I've missed out but this to me seems like the most obvious situation that left me questioning everything.
Narcissists exhaust even your soul not just your.body
Yes. I learned at a young age to not be too happy nor too sad and to, certainly, not show any achievements in front of my narc mother. I did get straight A's so that I could get scholarships so that I could go to a college 40 miles away where I lived on campus. When I graduated college I left the state and left her, her flying monkeys, and her golden children behind.
Decades later, I still make sure to minimize or completely hide my joys and achievements, as well as my greatest sorrows, when talking to my sister. It's sad, but not worth the risk.
I know exactly what you mean.
I live on the same world.
Crazy world eh
why talk to her at all?
@@MsBrooklyn62 I rarely do. I've gone for long periods of silence, but eventually she starts reaching out.
Lordy. You just described the demise of my marriage. These creatures are so exhausting.
Creatures! So very accurate. Good luck.
Mine too
100% correct. It's just easier that way. They show so much envy and hate towards you, doesn't matter who the narcissist is. They are all the same. Thank you Darren.
I got perfect scores on the SATs. I went to work in our family business, with my dad. I said, "hey Dad, guess what! I got perfect scores on the college entrance exams."
for the next two hours, I suffered a RAIN of abuse. "oh, so I guess you think you're the queen now, huh? you think you're better than me?!?!".
I never made that mistake again.
"So, what did your driving instructor say about your performance?" -- "He said I have good control over the car..." -- "How dare you!!! Not even your dad would claim he has the car under control!!!"
Sigh.
Now I only have people in my life who have my back.
Odd, I got no feedback at all, no matter how many achievements I made. I kept racking up things, nothing.
I bet you’re 6’4”, and make $1.4M/year, too.
@@SirenaSpadesThey are jealous of your achievements
It reminds them of what they can't do
@@Vapourwear Why would a woman be 6'4''?
Talk about hitting the nail on the head. I lost my voice somewhere along the road .....
You described my home growing up perfectly. Everything I did that both parents deemed a positive, they bragged as their success. I only heard criticisms and beatings. It took 60yrs to break out of this because I thought that it was my issue not others’ aberrations. Once, I did, I created a wholly independent life. Very much like moving from dark to light.
I got through childhood by imagining my real self in a tiny protected metal box that could not be destroyed.
This kind of describes my childhood!😢
They are happy if you are not. I think they also project onto someone else the exploitation, rather than admit they are the user. I've seen it time and time again.
Thank you. This explains everything. While married to a narcissist for 15 years, I gradually became quiet and lost all initiative.
I’ll never forget when I was accepted into University my narcissistic family member said “how sad that you feel the need to spend all that money on a piece of paper you can wave under peoples’ noses to prove your smart. I know I’m smart. That’s why I never bothered with University. How low must your self esteem be? You’re pathetic”.
Never told them anything about my life ever again after that.
Wow. Projections!
You dumb yourself down so you don't startle their fragile reality, and reasonably so because they'll only try to exploit that special thing you got. But the adverse effect of this is that you begin to lose your identity in the meanwhile.. you've been playing a part to appease them. Hold on to your heart, and have faith what you lost will return after a lengthy period of No Contact. Hope that for all!
Yep. They eventually strip you of your identity.
Keep saying it. Like roaches, they thrive on never being called out. I'm in my 70's now. I'd like to see this shown to kids in school.
Totally did this the entire time I was growing up, due to a covert narcissist sibling. Also as an adult, depending upon who I was with. Really crippling.
It's interesting that you mention envy. It's not the dictionary definition, but here's how I think of envy and jealousy, and the difference between them.
If somebody has something you don't have, but you would like, a nice car for example, and you are envious, it makes you wonder how you can get a nice car too. Envy is inspirational/motivational in this sense.
However, in the same situation, but this time you're jealous of them having a nice car, you would also like to have the nice car, but you would just as easily settle for them having their nice car taken away, or destroyed/damaged. This is why a jealous person would scratch the car, but an envious person would not.
Ideally, a jealous person would like to have the nice car, and have the nice car taken away from the other person.
from the Bible, Proverbs 27:4, "Anger is cruel and fury overwhelming, but who can stand before jealousy?"
Nope. I get what you’re getting at but that is still envy. One is jealous of what is already theirs.
The person scratching the new SLK down the street is envious, the person parking it 400 yards from every other car and being a jerk to valets is jealous.
I found myself dining my light for him it was absolutely insane . He’s a cowerd im brave and he hated me for it even things I didn’t control like having a loving family smh glad I’m out that toxic mess
I dimmed my light for so many years!
@flash_flood_area me too. Sorry about that. I'm really trying to shine my light again. I'm a teacher, and even my students have noticed. Shine on...give what God gave you to the world. It must be good or it wouldn't be worth squelched. Best of luck and many blessings to you ❤
This is my biggest issue at work.
I never want to complain or even speak with upper management.
Yet everyone else is.
It is intriguing how you mentioned the impact of narcissistic influences on communities. Makes me think of the Hindu community which is based on narcissism of the upper castes, and how it works to keep the lower castes oppressed and deprived. Would love to see a serious study on this (socio-cultural narcissism?) to take place somewhere.
You MUST watch the movie "Origin" (it may still be in theaters) and/or read the book its based off of "Caste" . that film left me speechless and it literally tells this story
There is a meme that encapsulates the narcissistic mindset well: "I am feel uncomfortable when we are not about me?"
Holi Barceloni! Thanks for so clearly explaining a demeaning situation which I have experienced since a little girl and has kept me from THRIVING. At 77, I am now determined to THRIVE!!!💡
I used to paint in oils, draw, play keyboard and guitar and sing..did crafts and always always wanting to educate myself but my ex hated it. He torn up my artist portfolio and destroyed all my sketches as well. He hated me reading my bible and hed throw it in the trash and I had to sneak into the garbage to retrieve my Bible and then hide it away and wait till he wasn't home to read my bible. Finding me reading my Bible led to severe beats and my bible being thrown out yet again. Very quickly in my marriage, I must add ...I gave up on all my favorite hobbies and I still no longer do any of them anymore. I do still educate myself on topics tho... and after being divorced I taught myself computer skills... but I don't speak of my interests to others on the most part.. i downplay everything... I don't wanna be judged anymore or shot down anymore... and I have walls now.. thick internal titanium walls!
When I was a teen I won a scholarship in the arts but my mom ridiculed me and said I couldnt go to college cos to her the arts was not a real job in her eyes. Yet my college schooling was free for me. I even won a math award and she gave my award to my sister in law as a paper weight since it meant nothing that her cos her stupid daughter actually won an award in math. I wasn't even allow to go to my high school graduation even..but my older brother of 2 years was allow to go and got a ride to it even! I hate my mom for all the nasty things she did to me growing up..cos I was born handicapped.i has born with severe spina bifida with arcold chairing malformation 2 with hydrocephalus! Unfortunately some wounds are soooo deep.they'll never heal. My wounds are incurable...my soul shattered to a million shards... very damaged unit. But anyways...whatever. I may be still wounded and very scarred but I refuse to hate completely consume me...
Hmm.. did not the hood book teach..'do not bring your children to wrath'..after the commandment part of honoring your father and mother! So much for cherishing the young children! Sheesh!
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I can relate too your story in some ways. Believe me you are a extremely intelligent person who has the brightest light 💡 my family used to throw my bible books in the trash can too they don’t want you seeing the light ❤
According to human design, most of the people I have experienced as narcissistic have been what is called a "projector" in the human design system. Meant to be a guide of sorts to other types, if invited. If not, it gets rather hairy. I've definitely seen that they do more projecting and dissociating than actually experiencing.
Just what came to mind here, thanks for this explanation ❤
you know what. that perspective has something to it. I had one important narcisistic relationship that lead me to better myself A LOT because I was heavily criticized all the time. I had very low self-esteem so I took it all in. that lead me to therapy and to a lot of self -improvement actvities. It reached a point in which I had solved most of the serious things I was accused of but the narcissist continue to criticize me for them!! that was when I realized I was not the problem and then I left.
splenic projector here and a lot of the narcs i know are mani-gens and gens.they say projectors are often projected upon, especially those of the 5th line (line of projection)
Did all that for years. Tough witnessing someone else going through the same.
I didn't want to 'out grow' the narc despite them telling me to grow up and get a life 🤷♀️
I'm usually the life of the party, the person most likely to listen to you and help cheer you up. A friend in need...etc. my narcissistic sisters, yes, both of them took advantage of me and made my life hell for 30 years. Then finally, one day, it hit me. Why am I ALLOWING everyone to use me???
I felt completely exhausted and depleted. I simply couldn't take it any more. I naively tried being honest, BIG MISTAKE. Narcissists don't take criticism well, the push back was merciless. I've learned my lesson, though. Now, when I talk to a narcissist, I intentionally stay very dry, boring, disengaged, and flat. These blood-suckers do not deserve my energy, my encouragement, my generosity or my attention. Not surprisingly, they stopped bothering me. 😊
They are seeking their narcissistic supply elsewhere.
Life is good 👍
Thank you Darren
In a narcissist community It tends to make the community less productive instead of celebrating and utilizing all talents for the whole where everyone benefits this domination ultimately ends in suppression of many for the benefit of a few tyrants just an observation I've noticed .This video is extremely important for rebuilding confidence in ability's that have been suppressed
Can a narcissist be two-faced? Being submissive to a grandious sibling in the family and then compensating for this by being a demanding, dominating, entitled narcissist themselves among friends and coworkers?
That's probably a sign of having experienced narcissistic abuse. The internal ego has been taught poor emotional responses in relation to an environment that felt like a constant war. To feel like they have power and control they'll react strongly to any perceived threat, including coming off as dominant and ruthless. It's not excusable behavior but the empath and narcissist are easily confused and wrapped into one. An inborn narcisistic person switches. I can see how that becomes synonymous with two faced but it's more like being nice and then once you're cornered they turn dark. A narcissist can't unlearn behaviors. Someone exhibiting narcissism as a result of a narcissist can. At least I hope. One person has the capacity to deep dive into their psychology whereas the other one is psychologically undermining.
This is my life. My dad just had a rage out the other day because I dared to tell him I wanted to read something for myself. His response, “im telling you what it said.” Then he proceeded to question how I would say something to an executive. My response, “î’m not at work and You’re not an executive. you’re my dad.” He wants people to talk to him like he’s an executive, he’s been retired for 22 years, but he wants to still play he’s the executive in my house, and treat me like I’m his employee.
As people wake up to their situations with narcissistic parents/spouses/bosses etc. Now, I hope we can all finally see just how many narcissists and psychopaths are in the dark government and world “forums”.
With developing enough self-esteem and self-worth, my not sharing my achievements and good news etc. is a loving self- protective act rather than before where I used to feel so much hurt, shame, and sadness when being shamed and shut down by others
It’s nothing to do with the me! It’s their own projected sense of inadequacy and lack of self-worth
I got used to never show my feelings as child in a narc family. And carried on like that in public
Very succinct and insightful! Helpful! Thanks, Dr Magee!
Great video! I can't wait for the next one.
Thank you for this. I still have problems with this and I haven't talked to my narcissist father in 10 years. My most common answer to questions when I was growing up was "I don't know", because I was worried that I would say something wrong.
Darren,
i have been 'going Galt' for the last decade or so and it has been the greatest blessing in my whole entire life.
i used to care SO MUCH that i would take on the responsibilities of others like being a martyr somehow made me sexy.
now, i just do what i see in front of me and let others step into the poopoo that they leave for themselves.
cheers!
You really nailed it. Can't wait for parts 2 and 3.
Thank you so much I’m glad you found it helpful and thank you so much for your very kind support
As a family scapegoat and a narcissistic father even in my late adulthood with the education about this on the internet over the years I still struggle. Goes the saying a adult is a product off their childhood ❤we are the pin cushions off the world 🌍
Bang on topic!! Thank you
great subject, counter-logic logic
All these stories and mine, make me feel the urge to find a way to recollect my energies and talents and expose them in front of my narc-cistic sibling to see her face
The golden ‘child’ in my family was the narcissist parent themselves.
I used to tell my ex husband not to compliment me in front of my sister, it seemed like she treated me worse if she heard something nice about me.
Woah, this is exactly what happened to me, and how I dealt with my now ex friend.
Great explanation! Thank you!
This is exactly why my brother chose not to go to law school, and I grey rocked every mention. Not, and I repeat _not_, going into practice with him.
Spot on!
Very informative and info i haven't seen elsewhere THANK YOU. Was just describing this to my counselor but couldn't understand why or put it in words.
You have FREED ME from the nightmare of my relationship with my evil narcissist Sister who tries, like a sick 5 year old, to dominate, control and disadvantage me in every situation. She CANNOT touch me now. (a bit of concidental irony: her married name is "Magee!")
very interesting! p.s. they don't let you speak
They do not want any physical work. Dish it out to others, or their children.When they have to do physical work, the get into a terribly bad mood
Thanks Darren - yeah, you pretty much nailed it. Much appreciated.
He would never acknowledge me or see me anyways 😃 he loves himself far too much , to listen ,look ,touch , or pay attention to me. I noticed i said my foot hurt the other day and as usual instanttly hes going on about his problems ...it can never ever he about me and I've learned to accept / cope with his very weird personality ..Im old ,hes old ,life is short
Thank you Darren 🙏.
This video should be renamed on how not to lose yourself with the narcissist because that's really what's happening is you give up of who you are and you're just become this shell of a person and I think it's important that the people realize that has I listened and saw what is happening to me and nodding my head yeah
TOPIC REQUEST: Self Love - We all know we're supposed to do it, but how? I need concrete steps. After much consideration, I concluded I'm not too bad, quite good actually, have lots of positive qualities. But that's intellectual evaluation. It's not FEELING love. When I love someone, I think they're the coolest, I love the essence of who they are, I love hanging out with them. I heard one therapist say as soon as you reject the toxic narrative, your natural self love will automatically come out. That sounds like total rubbish. It's not like you can switch on and off. Despite all this work, where is the feeling/emotion/true affection? Am I alone here?
Thats what they want.......to shut us down.
Hi Darren, great information thank you. Have you done any that look at hiding your emotions, particularly pleasure or happiness? I'm told I'm very flat (affect) all the time now.😊
Yes I made a video about anhedonia if you’d find that helpful?
Story of my life.............
Hi Darren, really appreciate your videos anc the insights you provide. Ps ...is someone 'extracting' portions of your videos and reposting on RUclips? There are some very short clips of your previous videos showing, but I supposing they appear without your consent?? Thought Id give you the heads up if that is the case. 👍
Thanks I’m glad you find them helpful. If my name on the shorts they’re from my channel. Otherwise maybe folks are using them
Kk.. a bit off topic but something I'm struggling at present. Lately my 35 year old son has become a real jerk. Since he moved to another town and in with his gf's dad...the step mom is a nasty person and is her adult son who steals from my kid and has a very bad heavy drug problem. Anyways for the past 3 or so years now my kid's attitude really changed and not for the better. At his last visit to my place he was dictating everything like he was in charge and running my household! Telling me what to do etc.. He'd never helps out anymore either and has became very rude as well. I never raised him that way at all.. so I'm very perplexed. Ya my ex was a malignant narc and I got myself and kid out of that horrid situation when my kid was 3. He's now 35 and now has total disregard for me at all..he now has become a manipulative headgamy user. Only gets a hold of me if he wants money or a new video game, rest of the time I never hear from him these days... or next to never! He even told me to my face that only his gf matters and I no longer rate at all and will not ever help me or even take me in even tho im crippling right up and i do everything for myself cos i get no help from anyone in my town either..flying solo here and with terminal bone cancer but it is what it is. To him I'm not important..and don't exist to him anymore. The gf's dad is OK but the step mom is extremely nasty and very verbally abusive and for the 17 years under their roof he has been continually shamed, verbally abused, thinks he's stupid, has no regard for my kid at all..trash talks to him and belittled him constantly....very very toxic. Last year my kid finally got his own apartment with his gf but im afraid the damage is already done! My son now has all the hallmark signs of being a narc himself now. My mom was also a narc, as was my ex and he was exposed to my mom's headgames for a very long time. So I'm pondering to self.. can a young adult become a narc thru repetitive drama and verbal abuse, gaslighting etc. Like all the narc bs has now rubbed off on him. He is definitely not the kid I once raised.. and my kid and I were once very close knit but I don't even exist to him anymore! Even his buddies he grew up with are floored at how much he has changed and not for the good either! Btw.. I don't think he's using drugs but you just never know! Also now is very selfish, self centered..headgamy...thinks he's always right, no longer listens to reason... He is now way out of character and a real ignorant jerk these days! Is it possible that under long term abuses that he himself can turn into a narc as well. Myself..I just became very damaged goods with no worth..broken and shattered overall and can no longer trust. Took me a very long time to be able to even hang around people... especially men after I first divorced.. and lots of counseling overall too... and I'm still damaged... inferiority complex here still... and still have trust issues with people. I prefer to be with animals and nature over people..pets are more forgiving than people..people judge and hurt others. Give me nature give me kind and friendly cats! dogs and birds anyday over people!
Because the suffering is unbearable.
Joshua Fields Millburn and Ryan Nicodemus
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I move in a narcissistic society.
I have a problem, becose I was alone, I dont speak.
Why can't play the video?
Can a narcissist experience regret?
Avoid them - seems easier
I don't. I just don't believe their bullshit. If they don't go away I make them go away.
Thank you Darren