This therapist laughed too much 😡 and I can't take her seriously, because she doesn't take her work seriously giggling all the time?! Very unprofessional, very arrogant !!
@Vanima You sound like me ! Disillusionment in relationships with broken promises and nobody to rely on that is honest and sincere in today's society. I had 15 Mini relationships but only 3 were serious.😁 I abhor being taken for granted, so I choose to stay alone these days !
As a parent who worked a great distance from my children...there was no being there or checking in. Their father was more flexible. He was there more. Now I feel they are much more attached to him. It is hurtful. I had to work the way I did. Too late to change things now.
My friend is securely attached. She’s always had beautiful communication and great healthy relationships. She’s the only person I’ve ever known to say “I loved my childhood.”
Having a securely attached friend is such a gift for those of us who were severely damaged in childhood. I have one, and I’ve learned so much through knowing her.
@@deborahedelman2659 Imagine being under water , out of breath then swimming to the surface. Would you hate breathing in the fresh air ? Probably not. That’s how I would describe needing my personal space, especially in a relationship where more is asked of me and my time than I’m able to give. I feel suffocated , push away and swim for the surface
Wow. Some memories suck. I broke my arm and my parents were in the middle of a meeting to have a new garage built. I remember it being very hard to get back across the street because it felt like my arm weighed a ton. I knew it was broken. When I got home my parents were talking to someone and told me to wait. Instead of asking me what was wrong or helping me, they continued with their meeting. I had a life full of this kind of thing. I didn't make a connection with how I am in my relationships and how neglected I was, but it makes sense. My parents were just completely unaware that their kids had any wants or needs. I don't know why they had kids. Abuse and neglect is one of the biggest traumas people can face. So many grow up with it.
Sorry this happened to you. I totally relate. I remember being about 5-6 years old and being really sick. My mom plunked me down in front of the television and went off to work. When I called a few hours later because I was really sick and really dizzy, I was told to go back and lay down and watch television. I never felt so scared in my life.
Yes, I feel bad for both of you. My Mom kept chatting with the neighbor whose dog had bitten me after the bite for what seemed like an eternity. I still have the scar on my hand today. (The dog had reverted, and should have been put down at that time, which is another story. They eventually had to put the dog down after it kept biting the owners and strangers alike, and the mail was no longer being delivered. The owners were not being responsible and I think it was the mail delivery that finally convinced them to take action.)
@@cyyoung9175 They were. Abuse and neglect are generational. I am sure my parents tried to be better than their parents in some ways. My family is dysfunctional. No one can maintain a connection. My mom moved very far away and my dad thinks having a relationship means you talk to someone once or twice a year. My sister has no kids. She said she knew she wouldn't have been a good parent. I have to kids who are now young adults. We are close and we talk several times a week. There is a sense of family and I'm so grateful for them.
Interestingly, I thought my parents' parenting style would raise a dismissive kid, since they always dismissed my emotions or need of attention, engraving into my head the idea that needing others is a sign of weakness and must be avoided at all costs. However, I turned out to be fearful avoidant instead of dismissive avoidant (I do have some serious BPD traits). My theory is that perhaps at some point during my childhood, I concluded that I must become independent to earn my parents' validation, but they acted dismissive nevertheless, so it caused a conflict in my mind: I really crave attention and validation, but at the same time I don't believe I can do anything to earn it, so I turned out to be both attention seeking and emotionally distant. Such conflict really messed up my emotion regulating ability, making me who I am today. But as a friend told me, recognition is the first step toward the solution, so I hope I can make my way to where I can finally feel secure about my inner self.
I can relate. One of the core beliefs that lurked in my background is: “Everytime I get into a relationship…begin to be successful…etc. I know I won’t get what I need and won’t continue to be successful so why try. Writing this makes me feel a bit nauseous. I recognize the black and white thinking and now I know it’s a CPTSD trauma response. Working on healing it at age 52. It’s never too late unless you buy into the lie. 🙌🏼🙂
Damn I think I'm fearful avoidant... I'm crying listening to this at work because I finally feel seen and not crazy inside my own head trying to navigate being around people. I'm so back and forth with people and my emotions, can highly relate to the clinginess with someone or cutting them off completely... wow. This was extremely eye opening for me. I love this channel so much.
I think that's me as well. I cling to or I cut off my partner, have you managed to find a middle ground? I suffocate myself as well as her I think and just need a ton of alone time after being attached to her and trying too hard to please her to no avail. She's similar to me in that she needs her space as well and dislikes the clingy side of me, she needs to breathe too. So what are we left with? We've seen each other for 7 years now - It's been taking a toll on our relationship for the last 4 years (the time we've been living together). I have similar issues with the few people I can call friends as well. I'll go months without contact then have a few days in a row where it's like an intense reunion. Then back to avoid all contact. I want closeness but I need so much space as well I just don't know how I can maintain a healthy relationship any more...Maybe I never did.
@@Petr3y Thanks for being so vulnerable. I still struggle with it in my relationship and friendships. My bf and I have been together for almost 4 years and live together, this was a huge issue for me when we first started dating. I was very hot and cold, super codependent and then the smallest issue I wanted to end the relationship, run and hide. Having open communication, which is still difficult for me, has helped me when i’m struggling with it. I just got myself into one on one therapy as well as group therapy. It has helped me a lot, specifically the group therapy. I’ve learned many useful tools. I thought it was bogus but it was a super safe space for me to just spill my guts with no judgment every week. Just to get stuff off your chest helps sometimes. I also have found many hobbies to indulge in to keep me preoccupied and also to get me out of the house. I go on walks everyday alone, go to yoga once a week, and focus on my art. You’re not alone, sending love
I have borderline personality disorder. I've learned to stick with my dogs and keep people at a safe distance. I have a ton of acquaintances and love talking with people when I'm 'in the mood' but I'd never inflict myself on anyone full time. I was born angry at my mother!
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When she mentioned caring for a child in an appropriate time frame, her example blew me away. When I was 5 I fractured my wrist and my mother told everyone that I was completely fine and refused taking me to the doctor. When I woke up the next day with a swollen arm she finally gave in. I had no idea that was common. But it absolutely effected my trust and feeling of safety with her. Didn’t realize it until I accidentally watched this video.
My sister, @ 6, fell of a piano bench. For about 4 days, she kept telling our parents it was hurting REALLY bad. They put frozen peas on it couple times but, pretty much told her she was fine. 5th day, she went to jump on the kitchen counter to get in a cabinet & her arm snapped. At ER, they could tell by the x-ray there was a previous fracture prior to the arm break. My sister didn't understand until yrs later but, they seperated & questioned her about her injury...they were thinking of poss child abuse. Our parents didn't get in any trouble & I don't believe they should have but - they def should've taken her to the Dr. after the piano incident.
After walking home from my afternoon at Kindergarten, I lost my footing on the (carpeted) stairs because of somebody's backpack that was on the floor. The stair landing that I landed on had metal stripping on it (for grip) and I worked my chin over on that. Blood everywhere. I held onto my chin so hard, was scared to remove my hand lest the skin starts flapping. I was so certain it was that bad. I ran to find my mom who was on the phone and I tried getting her attention for help. She kept brushing me off, basically wanted/needed to finish her important phone call first. When she finally took a look at my wound she sprang into action, but to my Kindergarten age brain, it took her waaaay too long to respond and show compassion. I'm almost 30 and I remember that whole scene so well.
My parents didn’t take me in for an ear infection because my mom was a nurse but it got so bad my eardrum burst. I was 6 or 7 but to this day it’s one of the most painful things I’ve ever experienced.
My son 4.5 years says somtimes, "Mum I have the right to cry." I don't think I am dismisive, but some kind of traume due to the sound of crying, it's very diffucult for me to hear him, but he is so right. It really work to have the child to educate the parents from time to time. :) He is so self aware, I am super proud. Also I love you recommandations for anxious attachment style.
If I cried,,,, as my dad or mom said.. Ill give you something to CRY about .. if it wasnt something bad bad bad.. man we never cried over physical pain, if horse died or something then that ok
I really wish kids grew up learning this in school, it would save their own children when they finally grow up to have them. I believe that if my mother was aware of all this information, I would have had a much more healthy development. It could save lives. Thank you for this presentation, it helps more than I could express in a comment!
Anytime I bring up anything about mental health my mom gets angry and says that I'm trying to start a fight and that I need to get over things. I try to provide information to her but she fights it and refuses to want to learn and understand me and our relationship. I'm 31.
@@ladyfibonaccii Sometimes all you can do is distance yourself from whoever abused you, even if that means putting some distance between you and your parents. I know that's hard, but you're responsible for your own healing. Best of luck to you!
@@dianamorariu9763 i haven't seen my parents for over 2 years either. I feel guilty but then i remind myself how they have treated me all my life which is the very reason i listened to this video and also why i am the way i am. Much (concentrated) work needs to be done on myself to heal.
@@ladyfibonaccii i hear and understand this. This is the same response from my husband. Hets angry and defensive anytime i bring up anything that involves inner reflection. It's like holding up garlic to a vampire!
At 18:45 he's so accurate. I think people with Dismissive style tend to have parents who frowned down upon emotion or saw it as weakness. Certainly was the case for me. Now I see any emotion from an adult and I cringe. That might help you get ahead in your professional life but causes a nightmare in your personal life.
Most of the more severe illnesses happen to people by surprise, unexpectantly, impacting first in the brain, then in the corresponding organ which that part of the brain controls. The end of WWI had absolutely everything to do with the Flu and lung TB outbreak that occurred killing millions. In nature, the biological conflict linked with a territorial fear (just what it means-a fear in your territory, your home, your community, etc.) is a widening of the bronchia (tissue loss). Your body attempts to widen your bronchia in order to allow more air into your lungs to give you more strength and energy to fight to keep your territory safe. Stay with me.......The biological conflict linked with a death fright impacts the lungs. The lungs attempt to grow larger in order to allow more air in because breath equals life, as we all know. No breath equals death. While you are in the fear or death fright conflict, you notice no symptoms of “disease”, except you have cold hands, cold feet, you can’t sleep, you awaken at 3 AM every night, you have little appetite. During the war, millions of people were in fear of the bombing of their homes and cities where the war was most active. Fearing for their lives, their loved ones in the war, their ability to survive. The food in the stores was sparse due to shortages. This lasted for 4 long years! The longer the conflict, the worse the healing phase. Within 2 weeks of the German Chancellor announcing the end of WWI, these millions of people ALL went into the healing phase all at the same time. It is during the healing phase that you experience symptoms of illness! What is the healing phase of the bronchia widening? Severe bronchitis, pneumonia. The body attempts to refill this lost tissue and you experience inflammation, fever, coughing, body aches, fatigue, etc. What is the healing phase of the extra lung tissue that grew? Decomposing of the tissue by TB bacteria and fungi. The symptoms of this healing phase are: severe coughing up of blood and tissue, fever, inflammation, severe mucous, body aches, fatigue. During this decomposing of the extra tissue (tumor), the body expels a lot of protein, and without replenishment, severe protein loss can result in death. Antibiotics did not exist yet. If TB bacteria does not exist in a person or they have been vaccinated against TB (big mistake), then the tumor will simply encapsulate and become dormant and not harm you. Who died during the Spanish Flu? Mainly the poor who could not afford to buy meat and proper nourishment, and the people who were directly impacted by the bombings and destruction of their homes. Millions of people suffered fear and death frights during the fighting of WWI, and millions of people all went into healing at the end of it. Not everyone was affected because not everyone suffered the same way. It’s not a “flu”, it’s not something you “catch”. It’s biological, meaningful, and unavoidable. One hundred years later, a Fear Campaign begins, using the media to spread it......
Yes, It actually took me years to realize that cringing at emotions was a sign of deeper psychological issues. I just thought it was normal and justifiable
This is true for me as well. I’m 31 and have shared some of my worst and embarrassing moment with my boyfriend but still can not cry in front of him bc feeling weak and vulnerable was such a punishable offense as a child
My aunt has that attachment style and yep my late grandpa and basically most of our family/relatives do see that being emotional is a sign of weakness.. i was the one who kinda teached her to recognize that part of her and she changed a lot, well while I'm still struggling with fearful avoidant style (´-﹏-`；)
@@xxjlamariexx my aunt was intrigued seeing me crying over a sad movie.. she'd asked me to watch movies that are sad just to see me crying, she's probably tryna comprehend it because she said it's sad but i don't feel like crying, it's just a movie.. something like that.. i almost never see her crying, well she probably cried a bit while alone ,who knows..and oh yep coincidentally she's married to her long distance relationship husband..she also don't want a kid
First time I've heard a good reasoning behind the 'don't look at the baby after falling down because they'll start to cry' experience, essentially it's giving them a chance to pick themselves up and be OK, not being neglectful. Modulating your own emotions as the adult in the room when dealing with kids is really important in giving them a template for how to behave. I loved the tip on practicing these skills on daily menial encouters rather than waiting to show up for big moments
Useful information. Thanks. Some people do NOT HAVE Personal Friends to lean on to have discussions about this stuff. & Some people do NOT HAVE Family members to talk to. 😥😥
I thought the same. To suggest to people with bpd, where the hallmark of the disorder is difficult interpersonal relationships, to speak to friends and family is off colour.
as the parent of three children, two of them twins, I can attest to the fact that children are all individuals and respond differently to similar situations/parenting styles. all three of mine are totally different in life and relationship. All three went to montessori pre school. one ran in and didn’t look back. one wanted me to walk him in and wanted to show me what he was working on before i left and one cried until Miss Rosie asked me to leave and would call me about 5/10 mins later to assure me he had shifted into a contented state and was happily participating in circle time. that is is the one who, as an 18 year old is still most apt to call me from college on any given day. the key here is to reveal your attachment style so you can grow yourself into a more emotionally regulated and thriving being but not getting stuck in victim mentality. being a parent has definitely given me perspective on my own parents and their places of strength and weakness as caregivers. parents are just people who also who had imperfect parents who also had imperfect parents.
yes,but it also depends on the parents. yes,parents are imperfect or whatever but they still make a choice to have kids. and i think a responsibility of a parent is to absolutely have their shit together before having kids,not to be perfect because that's impossible,but to have their shit together. i was abused all my life from my whole family and i will never justify them by saying "oh but they were imperfect and being a parent requires strength" if you don't have strength then don't have kids. and sometimes it's not about the kids but about the parents!! i'm not mad at your comment,it just kind of triggered me and i wanted to clarify this.
This is the best description of fearful avoidant I've come across so far. I feel like fearful avoidant attachment style tends to be described as more extreme or someone who experienced abuse (I did not), which is why I questioned whether I actually have it. This makes perfect sense to me. I think I tend to pull away or get closer as I learn more about the person I'm interacting with, because to me it's the other person that comes across as unpredictable. But maybe other people expect you to always behave the same way towards them? But I also have a small group of friends that I've been really close to for over a decade, so it is possible for me to have close long-term relationships, even though my friends aren't necessarily more securely attached than me.
I relate to this so much! Especially pulling away/ getting closer the more you learn about a person. But is that not normal? I’m genuinely curious how other people would approach it based on different attachment styles,
I completely relate to you about the way she defined Fearful Avoidant type here. I've been trying to understand my attachment style for about 7 years and this explanation finally hit the nail on the head. I resonate with the dialectical/polarized nature of my feelings towards my romantic partners, friends and even toward myself. When she said it's some characteristics of Anxious Preoccupied and some Dismissive Avoidant, it all made sense. It's very confusing to define yourself when you run the gamut, so I too found this explanation super helpful. @medcircle I am curious about crossover between Fearful Avoidant style and Bipolar III.
i was a victim of abuse and have a disorganized attachment and i totally understand what you're saying. i too always think of people as always giving me mixed signals and never looking for me or checking up on me! then i just feel disappointed and i leave without even saying a word. lately i've come clean with some of these people and even texted people i went no contact with saying this is what i felt and i'm sorry if i hurt you but i just didn't know how to handle conflicts and i felt rejected. i mean some of these people were real toxic pieces of shit,but with others we really just didn't have good communication.
I have the anxious preoccupied attachment style, might be borderline fearful attachment, but this hits home and I'm glad that I found this video because one day I want to be a parent and need to know what I should look out for with what I contribute to my child's growth. I feel like every day my self identity is getting stronger, but I feel like it's because i thrust myself into doing things that scare me like being alone. Eating alone, walking alone, trying to embrace freedom of being independent has made such a difference in my life. If it wasn't for my current partner, he has avoidant anxiety and we both recognize we don't mesh well if we give into our dark habits, I wouldn't be looking into a leadership position in my career. Do the things that scare you and recognize the person you are so you can become a better you. I give this video a 5 star recommendation!
When a child can’t calm down they need connection and comfort, not criticism and control. The greatest gift you can give children is your time, because when you give your time you are giving a portion of your life that you will never get back.
I behave in a very avoidant-dismissive way, but I'm internally very emotional and want to be able to connect emotionally with others. I just feel ashamed and wish I could take it back the moment I share anything vulnerable with others....even if that person is like, my literal therapist whose job it is to listen to me express emotions. I think I'm scared I'll be too much for others to handle. Then when others look to me for emotional support, I want to provide it for them, but it always winds up coming out awkward and differently than how I intended. It doesn't make sense. It's so hard trying to figure out why I'm like this. I don't feel comfortable saying this in these terms to my therapist to work through it, and I don't know if the problem is the therapist isn't right for me or if I'm 100% the problem.
Hi Eli, I so can feel what you are talking about! Thanks for sharing. Talking from my own therapy experience I'd say: I think you can definitely bring up your question posted here with your therapist. They need to know what you are struggling with otherwise your relationship cannot improve and the therapy won't be that effective. In the end the relationship problems you experience with your therapist show in some way behavioural patterns you have in other 'everyday' relationships, too, so speaking your mind about insecurities in the save environment of therapy is crucial as a training field for 'real life'. To take pressure off of you: Although you, me, all people who are unsecurely attached might feel dysfunctional from deep within we are humans like everybody else - so also our relationships contain out of two responsible and failable human beings. What I mean is: You on your own are never 100% responsible for a relationship to another adult bc each individual carry a part. So if you bring up an issue with your therapist and they react unprofessionell or you keep feeling misunderstood by them - your feelings are valid and you have the right to change therapist. Sending a hug
This was SO AMAZING! She explained everything so well, I finally fully understand this! I've heard this explained by several people and I always felt like I I could allllmost grasp it. Kyle asked the exact questions I was thinking and Doc answered them so Eloquently Thank you 🙏
Transracial adoptee here and I’m DEFINITELY the last one to a T!! I was abused in every way possible by my adoptive parents, yet also used as their token to show others what good Christian people they were for adopting a black baby. I also have C-PTSD, anxiety, depression, hyperventilate af, and have major abandonment issues. Everything you said fit me! 😩
@DezaRay24 That's fucked, I'm sorry to hear that you experienced this as a child. You are really brave to speak out about this now as an adult and working on the unfairness, violence and trauma. Sending over a hug and a lot of strength
I was abused by family's friends and my relatives from the age 5 up till 15..all kinds of abuse too and yep we have the same attachment.. I'm really struggling as an adult now
only 9 mins in and the dr is right, i'll never forget the day when i was in school & about 2hrs in, i started having a high fever (around 9-10am-ish). i was feeling so horrible so i snuck off to the washroom to call my mum, hoping she would come pick me up & bring me to the clinic but, she prioritized sleep over me... i was so hurt i stayed in the washroom to cry and i ended up spending the whole day in school & decided to just take the math test that was scheduled after school hours too, cause 2 more hrs wouldn't make much of a difference if i've alr been sitting in sch for 7hrs with the same fever.
As a parent I was young and very insecure in the role. These descriptions help me to see where I have succeeded and where I have failed. The biggest failure was not giving my son more instructions on what to expect and about what was going on. He had to figure a lot out himself, not to the point of neglect but too often he was left on his own to figure things out. Dismissing his negative feelings, though, was never something I did. He is entitled to have them as long as they don’t consume him. And as an I haven’t seen that they do. As a child I was not allowed to show negative emotions. My mother took them personally and emotionally. As parents most try to be an improvement from their own childhood. This discussion has helped me to see I have been, and I can see that through my adult son. Thank you, from an insecure parent, for helping me to feel better about it all. 🤔💜👍🏻
Thank God for parents like you who are willing to agree and re assess on what they did right and what they did wrong instead of denying and re traumatizing their children. More power to you!! 🌟🌟
I’ve been really _really_ hurt by a fearful avoidant person. And I wish the understanding that comes from knowing all this could make it less painful, but it doesn’t.
I’ve researched and studied the attachment styles often in a traditional academic way, but listening to the information in this dialogue style made things so much clearer. These videos are fantastic :)
@A I watched her videos months ago but they are not deep enough for me. The way the Medcircle therapists explain an issue whist connects it to an adjacent issue is what's needed. Their explanations also trigger memories and it causes you to do work, they don't just peel back a layer or two, they go right down to the seed.
My mother was a drug addict, I was always told that I was stupid. My mother then committed suicide. I have sever depression now, lost my brother to suicide. I know this video is kind of not for my silliness. I love all the med videos
Wow. My ex had the avoidant style. He was a workaholic and shocked me when he said that his bipolar mother had a weak personality! You gotta have balance, it can't be just work, work, work! Now I seek out guys who realize the importance of balance...but they are kinda hard to find. I realized when I was in my 20s that a lot of men go to extremes. Either they work like crazy or they are lazy. They often just aren't self-aware enough to see the value of balance.
Fellow dismissive avoidant attachment being here. However, a few years ago, I shifted my focus from my professional life to improving my personal life. That started with acknowledging my own emotions and dealing with those. Realising that I'm not a robot kind of helped me give a little grace to those who aren't self soothers. And noticing the benefits and the value of others to help me deal with things. It did wonders in creating a bit of humility and break that ego up a little.
After losing my dog Midnite, she was 16, blessed to have her for that long, I still miss her and always will. Then my grandson was born and I got attached. Then I got another dog. From the humane society in Santa Maria. Give me a dog anyday. I can only handle so much from a human contact. But I do get along with people and my social skills are talking very briefly to strangers without having to get to involved.
This video is absolutely necessary for everyone to watch and have the knowledge and self awareness. I just learned that I’m all of those disorders. Im seeking help now.
I completely understand coming from a dismissive, absentee alcoholic, single-parent home. Never heard those 3 little words, & No huggs given ! 💔 (was told, "you are too old for huggs.") Ironically I am affectionate and Love close bonds, unlike my parent.
Many thanks to both of you and the whole team. The topics you cover - attachment behaviors, coping strategies, personality styles, etc. - are so important to our community life that I appreciate your work as a socially valuable tribute.
Great video. I love the point Dr. Judy makes about the primary caregiver being the base, and striking that balance between being available yet letting the child have its autonomy. Super powerful - thank you!
I have borderline personality disorder and I recognize myself completely in the fearful avoidant type. I've always felt misunderstood as a BPD because of the stigma there is with BPD people begging partners and friends to come back and I was never like that, we can be clingy but we completely cut people off and leave them without giving them any chance to come back into our lives. This is very prominent in my life as opposed to begging people to come back. When someone hurt me in any way I instanly want them to disappear forever, whoever that person might be. Could be even someone as close as a family member or parent let alone romantic relationships, can't count how many times I've blocked partners telling them to disappear. (I tend to be clingy but telling someone to disappear and never talk to them again feels so easy, comforting and gratifying, a complete relief and I rarely go back on my decision.
My ex borderline friend was the same. Once the decision was made that the person didn't care for him/no use friendship wise he didn't really go back. Had a history of blocking many without explanation but also the same happening to him often due to him crossing boundaries. But he was very clingy with people who had a glimmer of hope of giving him the level of intimacy he wanted. Not saying all BPD are the same, just sharing my experience of someone I knew. This guy was a pretty rare form of BPD from my understanding mixed with other cluster B
It's certainly an eye opener that the Dismissive Avoidant Attachment description matches me 100%. I was raised by very good parents but somehow, they don't really show emotional support towards me showing anxiety or sad in general that I just stop showing these emotions to the family and friends. But i guess now that i know the root cause of the problems, i can work on the solution.
Ex is dismissive-avoidant. But ferom far he just looked securely attached as it felt he got his shit together and is not needy emotionally. His so called self assurance and self confidence seemed like they were content in themselves and this is what i was attracted to. He judged me anytime I got emotional or our 6 year old gets emotional as drama. He has been climbing ladders at work and becoming VP and shit. He could neither trust my emotions nor could open up emotionally. He was emotionally challenged and the worst manipulative gaslighter. I was always on the edge in our 7-year relationship that as he shit down at every small difference of opinion. I was the extreme opposite. I have an anxious attachment style. As a child, I was anxious and ended up choosing a partner who almost replicated my parent's emotional unavailability
This is fascinating. One of my parents was definitely different than the other. I see how my mother and her insecurities focused the anxious co dependence of my childhood illness( sick baby* colic*adhd frequent injuries etc. stemmed from her own mother’s insecurities and passed down to her. Thankfully my father was not of this mindset and was able to help her grow and change over the years. Hopefully I have grown from an anxious fearful person and enjoy my time alone and am now learning self love and acceptance and to self soothe. This needs to be taught in school so we have awareness taught and how to cope with problems and communicate our needs better.
I’m an anxious/fearful avoidant. My father was dismissive and completely unavailable when I was a kid, showing up only when he wanted to. Also showed narcissistic characteristics. My mother was bi polar and anxious preoccupied, who attempted to nurture a secure attachment but couldn’t do it consistently.
Dr. Judy is one of my favourites on this channel. I am doing CBT at the moment and like to come here to get some extra information and it is so helpful. I also got her book Stop Self Sabotaging and can only recommend it. Thanks for this amazing channel, thanks Kyle, thanks Dr. Judy. Have a good day everyone 💚
Oh my gosh the part where you mentioned giving the feedback to the parent of "hey I'm sad and that's ok. I'll be fine and you don't have to fix anything for me" ugh that made me tear up. That was great! I needed to watch this. I'm still having a hard time identifying my style but I know I've become more self aware and I'm healing, so that's ok. I loved this, thank you 💜
Fearful avoidedness sometimes feels like either choice is hopeless. I desperately fawn over others while keenly aware of my exist strategy as if the relationship’s easily disintegratable to me, despite that thought driving me into desperation and preoccupation. And when I cut myself off, I do so ashamed of it like it’s a feeble cry for attention. My craving for connection at those times makes me run like I’m escaping the possibility of falling into a black hole of preoccupation.
Ok…not quite half way thru… but I REALLY like her. I love, unlike some professional, she doesn’t present any of them as ‘bad’. There are good and bad in different attachment styles.
"Conflict might mean rejection." I... had never considered this. I'm 30 and I have never ever made this connection. Wow. I have a lot of thinking to do.
@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool I ended up on antidepressants and then started meditating, I've been off anti-depressants for 2 months, and meditation has been the most helpful thing to help me heal. I no longer feel the need to be attached to anyone. I feel the need more to be in tune with my own energy.
Oooh! Now I understand why my second BF told me, I was emotinally unstable, while he admitted that he had narcissistic parents! He couldn’t handle me talking about and showing emotions- especially after I was in shock after an accident.
My mother is high on the NPD scale, no emotions allowed, no expression of self and certainly not interested in spending time with me. I’ve been alone since about 5 yo and decades later it’s still my norm. Relationships ?! 🤣😂🤣😂😂 Did it once, never again !!!
I thought I was the anxious type for the longest time, but I resonate a lot more with the fearful type… thanks for sharing, things make so much more sense now. My therapist will get an ear full soon!
Can totally relate, for me “ ex partners” says something significant. “ your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find within yourself that you have built against it”.- Rumi
I don't mean this in anyway to invalidate you, but I wonder how sure you are your main attachments growing up were secure? I've found my insecure attachment lead me to insecurely attached partners but I'm also aware everyone is unique and doesn't respond the same to things
This is the best one yet I've seen from you and I have seen many. I have hard time reading books and sometimes even follow audios, so I get lots of help from these videos. And thanks for keeping it simple and for the timeliness you've done, so I can find the exact place that I want to reply.
Personality has a huge role in how your child a)needs to be loved and b)will react to your parenting style. My children were both raised similarly obviously but my eldest is much more independent and easy going than my youngest who is more clingy and cautious. What is even weirder is that they were the opposite as babies. My eldest was clingy and wouldn’t leave my side as a baby at play groups and my youngest was VERY outgoing in playgroups. Outside of outright abuse and neglect I think personality has much more of a role in their attachment styles.
Maybe your eldest is independent and easygoing as an adult because you were his safe place when he was "clingy" needing safety and reassurance etc. and received that love, care, safety etc. so he could "fly free" as he grew up.
This was amazing to watch! I’m a DA in management, and have been most of my adult life. I’m a work a holic as well. I enjoy learning about each attachment style
Amazing! Thank you for making me realize and validate questions I’ve had my entire life trying to understand myself better on why my relationship experiences have been the way they have with myself and others. ♥️
I like to just casually listen almost like a podcast. I was listening to the whole thing and unsure where I might fall in the spectrum. Until she said something about going out to lunch by yourself, and worrying about people judging you. I started crying thinking about doing that. And im not longer in doubt as to where I might fall
As someone who is actively healing at 45 years-old I recently read that if a person continues to think about how they were hurt at some point in time the brain will rewrite the memory. So at some point the past has some fiction to it. That was the first step for me. The next step I decided was important to work on is my reaction to how I feel. I have taken responsibility for my happiness ❤
53:32 really called me out. “just even asking for help can be a great exercise for fearful avoidant people can be a great exercise for fearful avoidant people because they don’t think they can rely on people”
Thank you for the video, i came across your channel through Dr Ramani's narcissistic abuse videos and have been watching many different MedCircle videos since then. I really enjoy the videos with Dr Judy also, the subjects are very interesting and educational. Kyle you're doing a great job too as an interviewer and participant. Hmmm attachment style i would say i'm mainly secure with a dash of dismissive avoidant sometimes, i enjoy being with friends, family and partner but also need time to myself regularly.
Great content Dr! Kyle, thanks for being open to share with her/us. Your questions are great! I think they not only come from your curiosity, but also a commitment to make the interview meaningful for the viewers. I think you do want to help, and you do. Thanks!
Hello, look into getting some dialectical behavioural therapy (dbt) which has been developed to improve coping strategies to those with bpd. It helped me, but like anything, takes application and endless practice. With work bpd can be recovered from. All the best.
A friend once told me,after meeting my family - they bring people close so they can push them away. My mom just had a difficult time trusting & she was all about surviving and her relationships were all on her own terms. She once told me that if I wasn't for her right or wrong - I was against her. Then she disowned me. I knew she didn't have healthy coping skills. I'm glad so much is being done now to help with these problems.
Excellent interview. Great explanations . Excellent discovery questions ..and then extensively elaborating and crystal clear understanding. Thanks A Million
It took me 24 hours to convince my dad to take me to the hospital when I fractured my arm, when I was 12. I lied once about being sick when I was 5 and my parents never again believed me when I said I was sick or hurt. Harsh way to learn.
I'm convinced that they probably doubted even the illness you faked and felt vindicated when they were proven right and continued on their preferred route comfortably with you taking the blame. I've overstepped here but I just want you to think about it.
Secure attachment is definitely me. I think natural disposition and my family did a great job to help me be this person. However, I cannot tell you how many ppl don’t have this and I’ve run into these types in friendship and had to come right on back out.
Fearful Avoidant here. Dr. Judy Ho's explanation of the study's results was spot on -- at least for me. Interesting study. I wonder if it's been replicated?
The anxious preoccupied style really sounds like me but I don't know if that's because of my attachment style or my anxiety disorder. I'd love to hear about attachment styles as they relate to mental disorders
i have a disorganized attachment or fearful avoidant attachment style because of abuse that checks all boxes from physical to emotional to financial to sexual(if there's any other type i'm sure it checks it too tbh🤣) and i'm working towards a secure attachment. i'm very young,i'm 20 and i'm thankful i realized at 17 that there was something wrong in this abusive shit hole and in the year from 19 to 20(so last year) i really started doing a whole bunch of research and entered therapy 6 months ago so i feel happy i found out this young tbh
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Donovan Sharp
Donovan Sharpe
This therapist laughed too much 😡 and I can't take her seriously, because she doesn't take her work seriously giggling all the time?! Very unprofessional, very arrogant !!
@Vanima
You sound like me ! Disillusionment in relationships with broken promises and nobody to rely on that is honest and sincere in today's society.
I had 15 Mini relationships but only 3 were serious.😁
I abhor being taken for granted, so I choose to stay alone these days !
As a parent who worked a great distance from my children...there was no being there or checking in. Their father was more flexible. He was there more.
Now I feel they are much more attached to him. It is hurtful. I had to work the way I did. Too late to change things now.
My friend is securely attached. She’s always had beautiful communication and great healthy relationships. She’s the only person I’ve ever known to say “I loved my childhood.”
Same here! She doesn’t recall ever having any kind of disappointment or trauma from her parents. I was like…lucky! 😱
Having a securely attached friend is such a gift for those of us who were severely damaged in childhood. I have one, and I’ve learned so much through knowing her.
I wish people like that would write a book about what their parents did right so we can take notes when raising our own kids.
Now I'm the most jealous person on earth lol
@@swallenjafari5974 when she told me I was “ wait what did you say ?” 😂😂😂
Dismissive Avoidants unite … separately at our own homes of course
Don't u hate it?
Lol
@@deborahedelman2659 Imagine being under water , out of breath then swimming to the surface. Would you hate breathing in the fresh air ? Probably not. That’s how I would describe needing my personal space, especially in a relationship where more is asked of me and my time than I’m able to give. I feel suffocated , push away and swim for the surface
@@jh5588 ❤️❤️❤️
A five course meal alone sounds amazing to me 😂
Wow. Some memories suck. I broke my arm and my parents were in the middle of a meeting to have a new garage built. I remember it being very hard to get back across the street because it felt like my arm weighed a ton. I knew it was broken. When I got home my parents were talking to someone and told me to wait. Instead of asking me what was wrong or helping me, they continued with their meeting.
I had a life full of this kind of thing. I didn't make a connection with how I am in my relationships and how neglected I was, but it makes sense. My parents were just completely unaware that their kids had any wants or needs. I don't know why they had kids.
Abuse and neglect is one of the biggest traumas people can face. So many grow up with it.
Good grief! Sorry to hear that. Maybe they were raised by parents who did the same to them .I hope your Insight should help you to heal quicker .
Sorry this happened to you. I totally relate. I remember being about 5-6 years old and being really sick. My mom plunked me down in front of the television and went off to work. When I called a few hours later because I was really sick and really dizzy, I was told to go back and lay down and watch television. I never felt so scared in my life.
Yes, I feel bad for both of you. My Mom kept chatting with the neighbor whose dog had bitten me after the bite for what seemed like an eternity. I still have the scar on my hand today. (The dog had reverted, and should have been put down at that time, which is another story. They eventually had to put the dog down after it kept biting the owners and strangers alike, and the mail was no longer being delivered. The owners were not being responsible and I think it was the mail delivery that finally convinced them to take action.)
@@cyyoung9175 They were. Abuse and neglect are generational. I am sure my parents tried to be better than their parents in some ways.
My family is dysfunctional. No one can maintain a connection. My mom moved very far away and my dad thinks having a relationship means you talk to someone once or twice a year. My sister has no kids. She said she knew she wouldn't have been a good parent.
I have to kids who are now young adults. We are close and we talk several times a week. There is a sense of family and I'm so grateful for them.
@@zealie75 Sony that happend to you. That is traumatizing. Kids only want their parent to be there and comfort them while they are sick.
Interestingly, I thought my parents' parenting style would raise a dismissive kid, since they always dismissed my emotions or need of attention, engraving into my head the idea that needing others is a sign of weakness and must be avoided at all costs. However, I turned out to be fearful avoidant instead of dismissive avoidant (I do have some serious BPD traits). My theory is that perhaps at some point during my childhood, I concluded that I must become independent to earn my parents' validation, but they acted dismissive nevertheless, so it caused a conflict in my mind: I really crave attention and validation, but at the same time I don't believe I can do anything to earn it, so I turned out to be both attention seeking and emotionally distant. Such conflict really messed up my emotion regulating ability, making me who I am today.
But as a friend told me, recognition is the first step toward the solution, so I hope I can make my way to where I can finally feel secure about my inner self.
Thank you for describing me in clear words
Feel you, dear. Feel you. Fellow borderlines here. ♥️🙏🏾
I can relate. One of the core beliefs that lurked in my background is: “Everytime I get into a relationship…begin to be successful…etc. I know I won’t get what I need and won’t continue to be successful so why try. Writing this makes me feel a bit nauseous. I recognize the black and white thinking and now I know it’s a CPTSD trauma response. Working on healing it at age 52. It’s never too late unless you buy into the lie. 🙌🏼🙂
Damn that is spot on
Wowww!!! Exactly!
Damn I think I'm fearful avoidant... I'm crying listening to this at work because I finally feel seen and not crazy inside my own head trying to navigate being around people. I'm so back and forth with people and my emotions, can highly relate to the clinginess with someone or cutting them off completely... wow. This was extremely eye opening for me. I love this channel so much.
I feel your post. I can be incredibly intense, but the moment someone disappoints me, I yeet them into outer space. Oh mei.
I think that's me as well. I cling to or I cut off my partner, have you managed to find a middle ground? I suffocate myself as well as her I think and just need a ton of alone time after being attached to her and trying too hard to please her to no avail. She's similar to me in that she needs her space as well and dislikes the clingy side of me, she needs to breathe too. So what are we left with? We've seen each other for 7 years now - It's been taking a toll on our relationship for the last 4 years (the time we've been living together).
I have similar issues with the few people I can call friends as well. I'll go months without contact then have a few days in a row where it's like an intense reunion. Then back to avoid all contact. I want closeness but I need so much space as well I just don't know how I can maintain a healthy relationship any more...Maybe I never did.
@@Petr3y Thanks for being so vulnerable. I still struggle with it in my relationship and friendships. My bf and I have been together for almost 4 years and live together, this was a huge issue for me when we first started dating. I was very hot and cold, super codependent and then the smallest issue I wanted to end the relationship, run and hide. Having open communication, which is still difficult for me, has helped me when i’m struggling with it. I just got myself into one on one therapy as well as group therapy. It has helped me a lot, specifically the group therapy. I’ve learned many useful tools. I thought it was bogus but it was a super safe space for me to just spill my guts with no judgment every week. Just to get stuff off your chest helps sometimes. I also have found many hobbies to indulge in to keep me preoccupied and also to get me out of the house. I go on walks everyday alone, go to yoga once a week, and focus on my art. You’re not alone, sending love
I have borderline personality disorder. I've learned to stick with my dogs and keep people at a safe distance. I have a ton of acquaintances and love talking with people when I'm 'in the mood' but I'd never inflict myself on anyone full time. I was born angry at my mother!
Hello. I was reading comments . Rc blakes is a recommended look up for a helpful look into a great viewpoint. So Impowering . ALSO LOOK UP STRANGEST SECRET EARL NIGHTINGALE. Original version ....have fun and enjoy and remember The higher power energetic knowing within you is made in the image of our creator . You are perfect as is our maker. You are creative intuitive and have all tools necessary within your ablilities to step into your divine power to achive ANYTHING . AS LOnG AS YOUR GOAL IS SET DIRECT AND A CHOICE TO WORK ON ACTIVLY AND DIRECTLY. YOU SET A GOAL AMD WORK TOWARDS THAT GOAL and the moment you decide to choose...you change your effect of the cause.
When she mentioned caring for a child in an appropriate time frame, her example blew me away. When I was 5 I fractured my wrist and my mother told everyone that I was completely fine and refused taking me to the doctor. When I woke up the next day with a swollen arm she finally gave in. I had no idea that was common. But it absolutely effected my trust and feeling of safety with her. Didn’t realize it until I accidentally watched this video.
The algorithm is strong with this one.
My sister, @ 6, fell of a piano bench. For about 4 days, she kept telling our parents it was hurting REALLY bad. They put frozen peas on it couple times but, pretty much told her she was fine. 5th day, she went to jump on the kitchen counter to get in a cabinet & her arm snapped. At ER, they could tell by the x-ray there was a previous fracture prior to the arm break. My sister didn't understand until yrs later but, they seperated & questioned her about her injury...they were thinking of poss child abuse. Our parents didn't get in any trouble & I don't believe they should have but - they def should've taken her to the Dr. after the piano incident.
After walking home from my afternoon at Kindergarten, I lost my footing on the (carpeted) stairs because of somebody's backpack that was on the floor. The stair landing that I landed on had metal stripping on it (for grip) and I worked my chin over on that. Blood everywhere. I held onto my chin so hard, was scared to remove my hand lest the skin starts flapping. I was so certain it was that bad. I ran to find my mom who was on the phone and I tried getting her attention for help. She kept brushing me off, basically wanted/needed to finish her important phone call first. When she finally took a look at my wound she sprang into action, but to my Kindergarten age brain, it took her waaaay too long to respond and show compassion. I'm almost 30 and I remember that whole scene so well.
My parents didn’t take me in for an ear infection because my mom was a nurse but it got so bad my eardrum burst. I was 6 or 7 but to this day it’s one of the most painful things I’ve ever experienced.
When I would get hurt during my childhood, my mom would get so mad at me and reprimand me all the way to the doctor/hospital. 🤨
My son 4.5 years says somtimes, "Mum I have the right to cry." I don't think I am dismisive, but some kind of traume due to the sound of crying, it's very diffucult for me to hear him, but he is so right. It really work to have the child to educate the parents from time to time. :) He is so self aware, I am super proud. Also I love you recommandations for anxious attachment style.
If I cried,,,, as my dad or mom said.. Ill give you something to CRY about .. if it wasnt something bad bad bad.. man we never cried over physical pain, if horse died or something then that ok
I really wish kids grew up learning this in school, it would save their own children when they finally grow up to have them. I believe that if my mother was aware of all this information, I would have had a much more healthy development. It could save lives.
Thank you for this presentation, it helps more than I could express in a comment!
Anytime I bring up anything about mental health my mom gets angry and says that I'm trying to start a fight and that I need to get over things. I try to provide information to her but she fights it and refuses to want to learn and understand me and our relationship. I'm 31.
@@ladyfibonaccii Sometimes all you can do is distance yourself from whoever abused you, even if that means putting some distance between you and your parents. I know that's hard, but you're responsible for your own healing. Best of luck to you!
@@dianamorariu9763 i haven't seen my parents for over 2 years either. I feel guilty but then i remind myself how they have treated me all my life which is the very reason i listened to this video and also why i am the way i am. Much (concentrated) work needs to be done on myself to heal.
@@bogdanlazar3278 this is gaslighting at it's finest. If you can, get away from or limit uour exposure to these people for your own emotional safety.
@@ladyfibonaccii i hear and understand this. This is the same response from my husband. Hets angry and defensive anytime i bring up anything that involves inner reflection. It's like holding up garlic to a vampire!
"I'm here for you but i still want you to develop as a person"
At 18:45 he's so accurate. I think people with Dismissive style tend to have parents who frowned down upon emotion or saw it as weakness. Certainly was the case for me. Now I see any emotion from an adult and I cringe. That might help you get ahead in your professional life but causes a nightmare in your personal life.
Most of the more severe illnesses happen to people by surprise, unexpectantly, impacting first in the brain, then in the corresponding organ which that part of the brain controls. The end of WWI had absolutely everything to do with the Flu and lung TB outbreak that occurred killing millions. In nature, the biological conflict linked with a territorial fear (just what it means-a fear in your territory, your home, your community, etc.) is a widening of the bronchia (tissue loss). Your body attempts to widen your bronchia in order to allow more air into your lungs to give you more strength and energy to fight to keep your territory safe. Stay with me.......The biological conflict linked with a death fright impacts the lungs. The lungs attempt to grow larger in order to allow more air in because breath equals life, as we all know. No breath equals death.
While you are in the fear or death fright conflict, you notice no symptoms of “disease”, except you have cold hands, cold feet, you can’t sleep, you awaken at 3 AM every night, you have little appetite. During the war, millions of people were in fear of the bombing of their homes and cities where the war was most active. Fearing for their lives, their loved ones in the war, their ability to survive. The food in the stores was sparse due to shortages. This lasted for 4 long years! The longer the conflict, the worse the healing phase. Within 2 weeks of the German Chancellor announcing the end of WWI, these millions of people ALL went into the healing phase all at the same time. It is during the healing phase that you experience symptoms of illness! What is the healing phase of the bronchia widening? Severe bronchitis, pneumonia. The body attempts to refill this lost tissue and you experience inflammation, fever, coughing, body aches, fatigue, etc. What is the healing phase of the extra lung tissue that grew? Decomposing of the tissue by TB bacteria and fungi. The symptoms of this healing phase are: severe coughing up of blood and tissue, fever, inflammation, severe mucous, body aches, fatigue. During this decomposing of the extra tissue (tumor), the body expels a lot of protein, and without replenishment, severe protein loss can result in death. Antibiotics did not exist yet. If TB bacteria does not exist in a person or they have been vaccinated against TB (big mistake), then the tumor will simply encapsulate and become dormant and not harm you. Who died during the Spanish Flu? Mainly the poor who could not afford to buy meat and proper nourishment, and the people who were directly impacted by the bombings and destruction of their homes.
Millions of people suffered fear and death frights during the fighting of WWI, and millions of people all went into healing at the end of it. Not everyone was affected because not everyone suffered the same way.
It’s not a “flu”, it’s not something you “catch”. It’s biological, meaningful, and unavoidable. One hundred years later, a Fear Campaign begins, using the media to spread it......
Yes, It actually took me years to realize that cringing at emotions was a sign of deeper psychological issues. I just thought it was normal and justifiable
This is true for me as well. I’m 31 and have shared some of my worst and embarrassing moment with my boyfriend but still can not cry in front of him bc feeling weak and vulnerable was such a punishable offense as a child
My aunt has that attachment style and yep my late grandpa and basically most of our family/relatives do see that being emotional is a sign of weakness.. i was the one who kinda teached her to recognize that part of her and she changed a lot, well while I'm still struggling with fearful avoidant style (´-﹏-`；)
@@xxjlamariexx my aunt was intrigued seeing me crying over a sad movie.. she'd asked me to watch movies that are sad just to see me crying, she's probably tryna comprehend it because she said it's sad but i don't feel like crying, it's just a movie.. something like that.. i almost never see her crying, well she probably cried a bit while alone ,who knows..and oh yep coincidentally she's married to her long distance relationship husband..she also don't want a kid
First time I've heard a good reasoning behind the 'don't look at the baby after falling down because they'll start to cry' experience, essentially it's giving them a chance to pick themselves up and be OK, not being neglectful. Modulating your own emotions as the adult in the room when dealing with kids is really important in giving them a template for how to behave. I loved the tip on practicing these skills on daily menial encouters rather than waiting to show up for big moments
Useful information. Thanks. Some people do NOT HAVE Personal Friends to lean on to have discussions about this stuff. & Some people do NOT HAVE Family members to talk to. 😥😥
I thought the same. To suggest to people with bpd, where the hallmark of the disorder is difficult interpersonal relationships, to speak to friends and family is off colour.
as the parent of three children, two of them twins, I can attest to the fact that children are all individuals and respond differently to similar situations/parenting styles. all three of mine are totally different in life and relationship. All three went to montessori pre school. one ran in and didn’t look back. one wanted me to walk him in and wanted to show me what he was working on before i left and one cried until Miss Rosie asked me to leave and would call me about 5/10 mins later to assure me he had shifted into a contented state and was happily participating in circle time. that is is the one who, as an 18 year old is still most apt to call me from college on any given day. the key here is to reveal your attachment style so you can grow yourself into a more emotionally regulated and thriving being but not getting stuck in victim mentality. being a parent has definitely given me perspective on my own parents and their places of strength and weakness as caregivers. parents are just people who also who had imperfect parents who also had imperfect parents.
this is so beautiful that you learned to navigate your different children, differently. 💙 thank you for sharing.
yes,but it also depends on the parents. yes,parents are imperfect or whatever but they still make a choice to have kids. and i think a responsibility of a parent is to absolutely have their shit together before having kids,not to be perfect because that's impossible,but to have their shit together. i was abused all my life from my whole family and i will never justify them by saying "oh but they were imperfect and being a parent requires strength" if you don't have strength then don't have kids. and sometimes it's not about the kids but about the parents!! i'm not mad at your comment,it just kind of triggered me and i wanted to clarify this.
This is the best description of fearful avoidant I've come across so far. I feel like fearful avoidant attachment style tends to be described as more extreme or someone who experienced abuse (I did not), which is why I questioned whether I actually have it. This makes perfect sense to me. I think I tend to pull away or get closer as I learn more about the person I'm interacting with, because to me it's the other person that comes across as unpredictable. But maybe other people expect you to always behave the same way towards them? But I also have a small group of friends that I've been really close to for over a decade, so it is possible for me to have close long-term relationships, even though my friends aren't necessarily more securely attached than me.
I relate to this so much! Especially pulling away/ getting closer the more you learn about a person. But is that not normal? I’m genuinely curious how other people would approach it based on different attachment styles,
I completely relate to you about the way she defined Fearful Avoidant type here. I've been trying to understand my attachment style for about 7 years and this explanation finally hit the nail on the head. I resonate with the dialectical/polarized nature of my feelings towards my romantic partners, friends and even toward myself. When she said it's some characteristics of Anxious Preoccupied and some Dismissive Avoidant, it all made sense. It's very confusing to define yourself when you run the gamut, so I too found this explanation super helpful.
@medcircle I am curious about crossover between Fearful Avoidant style and Bipolar III.
i was a victim of abuse and have a disorganized attachment and i totally understand what you're saying. i too always think of people as always giving me mixed signals and never looking for me or checking up on me! then i just feel disappointed and i leave without even saying a word. lately i've come clean with some of these people and even texted people i went no contact with saying this is what i felt and i'm sorry if i hurt you but i just didn't know how to handle conflicts and i felt rejected. i mean some of these people were real toxic pieces of shit,but with others we really just didn't have good communication.
I have the anxious preoccupied attachment style, might be borderline fearful attachment, but this hits home and I'm glad that I found this video because one day I want to be a parent and need to know what I should look out for with what I contribute to my child's growth. I feel like every day my self identity is getting stronger, but I feel like it's because i thrust myself into doing things that scare me like being alone. Eating alone, walking alone, trying to embrace freedom of being independent has made such a difference in my life. If it wasn't for my current partner, he has avoidant anxiety and we both recognize we don't mesh well if we give into our dark habits, I wouldn't be looking into a leadership position in my career.
Do the things that scare you and recognize the person you are so you can become a better you. I give this video a 5 star recommendation!
❤
There can be a deep loneliness that comes from not having a family that has your back. I hope you can find supportive people who show up for you.
Very well said. It's a deep empty loneliness that ironically can only be quenched by those that have abandoned you.
Thank you Amy. I hope the same for you.
When a child can’t calm down they need connection and comfort, not criticism and control.
The greatest gift you can give children is your time, because when you give your time you are giving a portion of your life that you will never get back.
I behave in a very avoidant-dismissive way, but I'm internally very emotional and want to be able to connect emotionally with others. I just feel ashamed and wish I could take it back the moment I share anything vulnerable with others....even if that person is like, my literal therapist whose job it is to listen to me express emotions. I think I'm scared I'll be too much for others to handle. Then when others look to me for emotional support, I want to provide it for them, but it always winds up coming out awkward and differently than how I intended. It doesn't make sense. It's so hard trying to figure out why I'm like this. I don't feel comfortable saying this in these terms to my therapist to work through it, and I don't know if the problem is the therapist isn't right for me or if I'm 100% the problem.
Hi Eli, I so can feel what you are talking about! Thanks for sharing.
Talking from my own therapy experience I'd say: I think you can definitely bring up your question posted here with your therapist. They need to know what you are struggling with otherwise your relationship cannot improve and the therapy won't be that effective. In the end the relationship problems you experience with your therapist show in some way behavioural patterns you have in other 'everyday' relationships, too, so speaking your mind about insecurities in the save environment of therapy is crucial as a training field for 'real life'.
To take pressure off of you: Although you, me, all people who are unsecurely attached might feel dysfunctional from deep within we are humans like everybody else - so also our relationships contain out of two responsible and failable human beings. What I mean is: You on your own are never 100% responsible for a relationship to another adult bc each individual carry a part. So if you bring up an issue with your therapist and they react unprofessionell or you keep feeling misunderstood by them - your feelings are valid and you have the right to change therapist.
Sending a hug
This was SO AMAZING! She explained everything so well, I finally fully understand this! I've heard this explained by several people and I always felt like I I could allllmost grasp it.
Kyle asked the exact questions I was thinking and Doc answered them so Eloquently
Thank you 🙏
me too! i almost got and understood it before, but not quite. this conversation really hit different.
I literally thought I fell under the anxious/preoccupied attachment style but I realized that I I have fearful anxious style. Thank you for this video
A lot of people think they are anxious then realize they are actually Fearful Avoidant! ❤ best of luck in your healing
Transracial adoptee here and I’m DEFINITELY the last one to a T!! I was abused in every way possible by my adoptive parents, yet also used as their token to show others what good Christian people they were for adopting a black baby. I also have C-PTSD, anxiety, depression, hyperventilate af, and have major abandonment issues. Everything you said fit me! 😩
Sounds like narcissistic parents
Jesus christ! I’m so sorry you had to experience that. I hope you’re on the road to ❤️🩹 recovery 🥺
@DezaRay24 That's fucked, I'm sorry to hear that you experienced this as a child. You are really brave to speak out about this now as an adult and working on the unfairness, violence and trauma. Sending over a hug and a lot of strength
I was abused by family's friends and my relatives from the age 5 up till 15..all kinds of abuse too and yep we have the same attachment.. I'm really struggling as an adult now
Sorry to hear. I can only imagine how awful that must have been. Hope you are getting help. Talk it out!
only 9 mins in and the dr is right, i'll never forget the day when i was in school & about 2hrs in, i started having a high fever (around 9-10am-ish). i was feeling so horrible so i snuck off to the washroom to call my mum, hoping she would come pick me up & bring me to the clinic but, she prioritized sleep over me... i was so hurt i stayed in the washroom to cry and i ended up spending the whole day in school & decided to just take the math test that was scheduled after school hours too, cause 2 more hrs wouldn't make much of a difference if i've alr been sitting in sch for 7hrs with the same fever.
As a parent I was young and very insecure in the role. These descriptions help me to see where I have succeeded and where I have failed. The biggest failure was not giving my son more instructions on what to expect and about what was going on. He had to figure a lot out himself, not to the point of neglect but too often he was left on his own to figure things out. Dismissing his negative feelings, though, was never something I did. He is entitled to have them as long as they don’t consume him. And as an I haven’t seen that they do. As a child I was not allowed to show negative emotions. My mother took them personally and emotionally. As parents most try to be an improvement from their own childhood. This discussion has helped me to see I have been, and I can see that through my adult son. Thank you, from an insecure parent, for helping me to feel better about it all. 🤔💜👍🏻
Thank God for parents like you who are willing to agree and re assess on what they did right and what they did wrong instead of denying and re traumatizing their children. More power to you!! 🌟🌟
Great work hun... Faith love and he who endures to the end that same shall be saved
Her voice always makes me comfort..
I’ve been really _really_ hurt by a fearful avoidant person. And I wish the understanding that comes from knowing all this could make it less painful, but it doesn’t.
I’ve researched and studied the attachment styles often in a traditional academic way, but listening to the information in this dialogue style made things so much clearer. These videos are fantastic :)
❤
Can you please do more on the fearful avoidant attachment .
@A I watched her videos months ago but they are not deep enough for me. The way the Medcircle therapists explain an issue whist connects it to an adjacent issue is what's needed. Their explanations also trigger memories and it causes you to do work, they don't just peel back a layer or two, they go right down to the seed.
@A Thanks. Good luck to you too.
I am FA too, I would like some more guidance on improvement 🙏
My mother was a drug addict, I was always told that I was stupid. My mother then committed suicide. I have sever depression now, lost my brother to suicide. I know this video is kind of not for my silliness. I love all the med videos
What "silliness"? I'm so sorry to hear your family losses. Be well ,my friend.
❤️❤️❤️❤️
Sorry about what you going through
:( ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Am sorry for what you have to go through!
Wow. My ex had the avoidant style. He was a workaholic and shocked me when he said that his bipolar mother had a weak personality! You gotta have balance, it can't be just work, work, work! Now I seek out guys who realize the importance of balance...but they are kinda hard to find. I realized when I was in my 20s that a lot of men go to extremes. Either they work like crazy or they are lazy. They often just aren't self-aware enough to see the value of balance.
Fellow dismissive avoidant attachment being here. However, a few years ago, I shifted my focus from my professional life to improving my personal life. That started with acknowledging my own emotions and dealing with those.
Realising that I'm not a robot kind of helped me give a little grace to those who aren't self soothers.
And noticing the benefits and the value of others to help me deal with things. It did wonders in creating a bit of humility and break that ego up a little.
I’ve done that, too, taken myself out alone for a long, relaxing meal. It’s a wonderful experience.
Fearful Avoidant gang rise up 💪🏻💪🏻
this woman is a gem love her
She is so helpful. Thank for having having her on today's content.
After losing my dog Midnite, she was 16, blessed to have her for that long, I still miss her and always will. Then my grandson was born and I got attached. Then I got another dog. From the humane society in Santa Maria. Give me a dog anyday. I can only handle so much from a human contact. But I do get along with people and my social skills are talking very briefly to strangers without having to get to involved.
So life is living you instead of you living life.
Make sense?
@@freshliving4199 no,
@@barbarabarr9195 I can see the pets and people thing. Nothing wrong with which you prefer more to surround yourself with. Pets are so loving...
This video is absolutely necessary for everyone to watch and have the knowledge and self awareness. I just learned that I’m all of those disorders. Im seeking help now.
I completely understand coming from a dismissive, absentee alcoholic, single-parent home. Never heard those 3 little words, & No huggs given ! 💔
(was told, "you are too old for huggs.")
Ironically I am affectionate and Love close bonds, unlike my parent.
Many thanks to both of you and the whole team. The topics you cover - attachment behaviors, coping strategies, personality styles, etc. - are so important to our community life that I appreciate your work as a socially valuable tribute.
Great video. I love the point Dr. Judy makes about the primary caregiver being the base, and striking that balance between being available yet letting the child have its autonomy. Super powerful - thank you!
❤
I have borderline personality disorder and I recognize myself completely in the fearful avoidant type. I've always felt misunderstood as a BPD because of the stigma there is with BPD people begging partners and friends to come back and I was never like that, we can be clingy but we completely cut people off and leave them without giving them any chance to come back into our lives. This is very prominent in my life as opposed to begging people to come back.
When someone hurt me in any way I instanly want them to disappear forever, whoever that person might be. Could be even someone as close as a family member or parent let alone romantic relationships, can't count how many times I've blocked partners telling them to disappear. (I tend to be clingy but telling someone to disappear and never talk to them again feels so easy, comforting and gratifying, a complete relief and I rarely go back on my decision.
My ex borderline friend was the same. Once the decision was made that the person didn't care for him/no use friendship wise he didn't really go back. Had a history of blocking many without explanation but also the same happening to him often due to him crossing boundaries. But he was very clingy with people who had a glimmer of hope of giving him the level of intimacy he wanted.
Not saying all BPD are the same, just sharing my experience of someone I knew. This guy was a pretty rare form of BPD from my understanding mixed with other cluster B
Wow you sound just like me idk if I have BPD but I’m going to see a therapist soon to talk about it
Wow, you sound like a female version of me.
It's certainly an eye opener that the Dismissive Avoidant Attachment description matches me 100%. I was raised by very good parents but somehow, they don't really show emotional support towards me showing anxiety or sad in general that I just stop showing these emotions to the family and friends. But i guess now that i know the root cause of the problems, i can work on the solution.
Wow. The last few minutes were on point regarding fearful avoidant. That's me 100%. Even though I'm getting better I still have a long way to go.
Ex is dismissive-avoidant. But ferom far he just looked securely attached as it felt he got his shit together and is not needy emotionally. His so called self assurance and self confidence seemed like they were content in themselves and this is what i was attracted to. He judged me anytime I got emotional or our 6 year old gets emotional as drama. He has been climbing ladders at work and becoming VP and shit. He could neither trust my emotions nor could open up emotionally. He was emotionally challenged and the worst manipulative gaslighter. I was always on the edge in our 7-year relationship that as he shit down at every small difference of opinion. I was the extreme opposite. I have an anxious attachment style. As a child, I was anxious and ended up choosing a partner who almost replicated my parent's emotional unavailability
Same here exactly!
This is fascinating. One of my parents was definitely different than the other. I see how my mother and her insecurities focused the anxious co dependence of my childhood illness( sick baby* colic*adhd frequent injuries etc. stemmed from her own mother’s insecurities and passed down to her. Thankfully my father was not of this mindset and was able to help her grow and change over the years. Hopefully I have grown from an anxious fearful person and enjoy my time alone and am now learning self love and acceptance and to self soothe. This needs to be taught in school so we have awareness taught and how to cope with problems and communicate our needs better.
I’m an anxious/fearful avoidant.
My father was dismissive and completely unavailable when I was a kid, showing up only when he wanted to. Also showed narcissistic characteristics.
My mother was bi polar and anxious preoccupied, who attempted to nurture a secure attachment but couldn’t do it consistently.
Dr. Judy is one of my favourites on this channel. I am doing CBT at the moment and like to come here to get some extra information and it is so helpful. I also got her book Stop Self Sabotaging and can only recommend it. Thanks for this amazing channel, thanks Kyle, thanks Dr. Judy. Have a good day everyone 💚
Oh my gosh the part where you mentioned giving the feedback to the parent of "hey I'm sad and that's ok. I'll be fine and you don't have to fix anything for me" ugh that made me tear up. That was great! I needed to watch this. I'm still having a hard time identifying my style but I know I've become more self aware and I'm healing, so that's ok. I loved this, thank you 💜
Fearful avoidedness sometimes feels like either choice is hopeless. I desperately fawn over others while keenly aware of my exist strategy as if the relationship’s easily disintegratable to me, despite that thought driving me into desperation and preoccupation. And when I cut myself off, I do so ashamed of it like it’s a feeble cry for attention. My craving for connection at those times makes me run like I’m escaping the possibility of falling into a black hole of preoccupation.
Thank you for talking about fearful avoidant type people tend to not focus on that one at all. Very helpful 💗
Lots of FA's out there! ❤
Ok…not quite half way thru… but I REALLY like her. I love, unlike some professional, she doesn’t present any of them as ‘bad’. There are good and bad in different attachment styles.
I love these MedCircle videos! Thank you so much for making them available to the public for free.
"Conflict might mean rejection."
I... had never considered this. I'm 30 and I have never ever made this connection. Wow. I have a lot of thinking to do.
This video was so helpful thank you! I'm fearful avoidant 😭😭😭
Me, a dismiss avoidant, and my ex friend (anxiety)it was a literal nightmare but now I can say that she taught me a lot.
I swear, Kyle asked every question I had as they came to me!!!
I think I relate to the fearful avoidant attachment the most. I've been working on that this last few years and this video is helpful. Thank you.
How has the past year been in healing Fearful Avoidant attachment style?
@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool I ended up on antidepressants and then started meditating, I've been off anti-depressants for 2 months, and meditation has been the most helpful thing to help me heal. I no longer feel the need to be attached to anyone. I feel the need more to be in tune with my own energy.
Oooh! Now I understand why my second BF told me, I was emotinally unstable, while he admitted that he had narcissistic parents! He couldn’t handle me talking about and showing emotions- especially after I was in shock after an accident.
My mother is high on the NPD scale, no emotions allowed, no expression of self and certainly not interested in spending time with me. I’ve been alone since about 5 yo and decades later it’s still my norm. Relationships ?! 🤣😂🤣😂😂 Did it once, never again !!!
Woah, me.
We need relationships! I feel you on the NPD mom thing though sets you up for a wild ride later lol
@@seashells1460 we need relationships
Definitely have fearful avoidant attachment style.
Surprised this is the "rarest" style.
I feel like it's common lol
I thought I was the anxious type for the longest time, but I resonate a lot more with the fearful type… thanks for sharing, things make so much more sense now. My therapist will get an ear full soon!
she is so cute! I love listening to her. I was always so obsessed with Dr. Ramini but shes great too!!!
I feel like I had a secure attachment style but when my ex partners literally traumatized me I became more anxious and fearful
Can totally relate, for me “ ex partners” says something significant. “ your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find within yourself that you have built against it”.- Rumi
@@briansalazar7397 wise words.
I don't mean this in anyway to invalidate you, but I wonder how sure you are your main attachments growing up were secure? I've found my insecure attachment lead me to insecurely attached partners but I'm also aware everyone is unique and doesn't respond the same to things
This is the best one yet I've seen from you and I have seen many. I have hard time reading books and sometimes even follow audios, so I get lots of help from these videos. And thanks for keeping it simple and for the timeliness you've done, so I can find the exact place that I want to reply.
Thank you for making important information accessible to people. Your channel has been an important addition to my personal self development.
Personality has a huge role in how your child a)needs to be loved and b)will react to your parenting style. My children were both raised similarly obviously but my eldest is much more independent and easy going than my youngest who is more clingy and cautious. What is even weirder is that they were the opposite as babies. My eldest was clingy and wouldn’t leave my side as a baby at play groups and my youngest was VERY outgoing in playgroups. Outside of outright abuse and neglect I think personality has much more of a role in their attachment styles.
Maybe your eldest is independent and easygoing as an adult because you were his safe place when he was "clingy" needing safety and reassurance etc. and received that love, care, safety etc. so he could "fly free" as he grew up.
fearful avoidant.... so hard to handle , thanks you so much for insights
This was amazing to watch! I’m a DA in management, and have been most of my adult life. I’m a work a holic as well. I enjoy learning about each attachment style
Amazing! Thank you for making me realize and validate questions I’ve had my entire life trying to understand myself better on why my relationship experiences have been the way they have with myself and others. ♥️
I like to just casually listen almost like a podcast. I was listening to the whole thing and unsure where I might fall in the spectrum. Until she said something about going out to lunch by yourself, and worrying about people judging you. I started crying thinking about doing that. And im not longer in doubt as to where I might fall
As someone who is actively healing at 45 years-old I recently read that if a person continues to think about how they were hurt at some point in time the brain will rewrite the memory. So at some point the past has some fiction to it. That was the first step for me. The next step I decided was important to work on is my reaction to how I feel. I have taken responsibility for my happiness ❤
We all deal with that wounded inner child - Thank you for info! ❤️
53:32 really called me out. “just even asking for help can be a great exercise for fearful avoidant people can be a great exercise for fearful avoidant people because they don’t think they can rely on people”
Thank you for the video, i came across your channel through Dr Ramani's narcissistic abuse videos and have been watching many different MedCircle videos since then.
I really enjoy the videos with Dr Judy also, the subjects are very interesting and educational. Kyle you're doing a great job too as an interviewer and participant.
Hmmm attachment style i would say i'm mainly secure with a dash of dismissive avoidant sometimes, i enjoy being with friends, family and partner but also need time to myself regularly.
Great content Dr!
Kyle, thanks for being open to share with her/us. Your questions are great! I think they not only come from your curiosity, but also a commitment to make the interview meaningful for the viewers. I think you do want to help, and you do. Thanks!
Good morning, I'm enjoying this video, but I'm curious if you have anything on how to help people with BPD develop meaningful friendships?
Hello, look into getting some dialectical behavioural therapy (dbt) which has been developed to improve coping strategies to those with bpd. It helped me, but like anything, takes application and endless practice. With work bpd can be recovered from. All the best.
A friend once told me,after meeting my family - they bring people close so they can push them away. My mom just had a difficult time trusting & she was all about surviving and her relationships were all on her own terms. She once told me that if I wasn't for her right or wrong - I was against her. Then she disowned me. I knew she didn't have healthy coping skills. I'm glad so much is being done now to help with these problems.
Will definitely need to watch this twice. If not more.
Excellent interview. Great explanations . Excellent discovery questions ..and then extensively elaborating and crystal clear understanding.
Thanks A Million
For me, growing up,it was my grandparents... thank you grandma and grandpa...may God bless 🙏🏼✔️🤓💖
It took me 24 hours to convince my dad to take me to the hospital when I fractured my arm, when I was 12. I lied once about being sick when I was 5 and my parents never again believed me when I said I was sick or hurt. Harsh way to learn.
I'm convinced that they probably doubted even the illness you faked and felt vindicated when they were proven right and continued on their preferred route comfortably with you taking the blame.
I've overstepped here but I just want you to think about it.
Secure attachment is definitely me. I think natural disposition and my family did a great job to help me be this person. However, I cannot tell you how many ppl don’t have this and I’ve run into these types in friendship and had to come right on back out.
Great and enriching content, thank you for posting it!
This was soooo good! My life makes more sense now!
Excellent Questions! Great Host!
Kyle has the best job in the world
thank you for your channel guys!:)
Well done as always! Thank you!
Attachment Theory is an important concept to understand when you're address client's
i think i have fearful avoidant attachment style... i just realised just how many people i have cut off.
this is very informative, thank you
Fearful Avoidant here. Dr. Judy Ho's explanation of the study's results was spot on -- at least for me.
Interesting study. I wonder if it's been replicated?
Grief, one of the greatest transformers in this period, mourning. Grief is a door to transformation and means you are being renewed.
Wow. Totally insightful. Thank you for this vid. So much to take in. Gill;Dx
Excellent video! 👏🏼
This episode was enlightening.
The anxious preoccupied style really sounds like me but I don't know if that's because of my attachment style or my anxiety disorder. I'd love to hear about attachment styles as they relate to mental disorders
Attachment styles are not only formed in infancy. Often attachment style is created over a person's whole lifetime.
Def a mix of both. I went from anxious completely to avoidant anxious
i have a disorganized attachment or fearful avoidant attachment style because of abuse that checks all boxes from physical to emotional to financial to sexual(if there's any other type i'm sure it checks it too tbh🤣) and i'm working towards a secure attachment. i'm very young,i'm 20 and i'm thankful i realized at 17 that there was something wrong in this abusive shit hole and in the year from 19 to 20(so last year) i really started doing a whole bunch of research and entered therapy 6 months ago so i feel happy i found out this young tbh
I lost the conversation when I realized he was dressed in Winter time while she was in Summer time -in the same room !
Her habit of fiddling with her shoes is annoying. 😬
I agree with Dr. Judy that BPD is probably more fearful avoidant as I have BPD and 100% can see that I am fearful avoidant.