I disagree, if someone complained I didn’t spend time with them, I’d spend even less time with them and If they said they enjoyed spending time with me, I’d think how great I am and how boring the other person must be if they can’t entertain themselves. If someone wanted my attention, they’d tell a joke or say they were going somewhere and say I could come if I want. If it was good I’d probably go. By saying either thing he suggested, you’re admitting you’re boring and needy. No one wants that.
@@kalinakowalska184 I wouldn’t want a pathetic partner who needs attention that’s just a whiney first world problem. The red flag here is the person who needs attention. No one wants to deal with someone so needy. They’ll just bring you down and suck up precious time. People like that are never happy.
I think this is the first one of your videos where your suggestion wouldn't work for a significantly large amount of people, not just 'narcissists'. I feel like in the solution shown she comes off as being passive-aggressive, yet still doing all the work to meet in the middle, while he is barely responding and doesn't have a follow through of trying to meet the need she is expressing. She isn't doing a good job at verbalizing, and he is hearing, not listening. Edit: @soheston's reply captured 100% what I felt like watching that exchange in a much more eloquent way.
When the other has shown they do not want emotional closeness and you DO, know this, just as your needs won’t change, either will theirs!!!!! It’s a mismatch of emotional needs. There’s nothing to stick around for because if they’re narcissistic or any other emotional distinction where they have incompatible emotional needs.
@@abbiemarie19 treats me like what? Can you not read? I have no idea how you got to that conclusion? You stu pid? I’m interesting so my husband follows ME around, I don’t follow him. I could care less what he does, I make my life fun. Other people aren’t responsible for your happiness. If you’re bored, it means you’re a boring person, so why would anyone want to be around that?
Direct communication, such as "Can we do that again?" and "Let's have more dates," is key for progress in relationships. Bluntness is preferred by some, as it shows genuine communication and honesty.
I have been told by MANY men that they do not get hints, be direct, etc. The 2nd ending seems like it’s relying on the man to read between the lines. This can lead to a communication breakdown if the woman’s expectations aren’t met. The proverbial ‘you didn’t tell me’ but she did issue. This can be done directly without confrontation. ‘I loved how you did that for me and it really filled up my love tank. I’d love to do it again next weekend/every month etc’ This is praising and acknowledging the good, but direct in what is wanted.
This! Especially for those with neurodivergent partners, that extra bit of directness can be vital. I _might_ read between the lines if my partner praised a previous date like this, but I might just take it at face value and feel good that what I did was appreciated and not see it as a request for more regular dates. Being direct doesn't have to mean being demanding, just plainly state what your wants and needs are so we can meet them. (Or if you yourself don't know, let's figure them out together!)
I'm glad I wasnt the only one who felt this way. I know Ive tried saying things like this, they take it as yay! Im doing good I can keep it up how it is. I feel like even as the other reply said, doing the second, but adding that you'd like it to happen more frequently would be a lot more effective. If you have an issue with the current situation you cant just praise the current. If theyre doing something right, but it needs to be done more frequently, you should communicate that right? There has to be a to communicate you need more time in a healthy way and them understand it. But then again, I've literally said the words "I miss you. I've really been missing you, I think I need more quality time with you" to a man before and them still just not get it. Most men I know if you did the second would assume that as long as they carve out time for one good night every few months their partner's needs are met. I know it doesnt sound best for someone to say "What you've done is a great start, but I need you to do it more often" but there has to be a healthy way to convey that. Honestly I thought, like in this scenario, where its needing time with someone, that my statement above would be a great way, (the "I miss you. Think I need more quality time with you") however, I tried. It didnt work, but doesnt that check the healthy communication boxes? Using an I statement Not placing blame Communicate how you feel Communicate what would help.
We get hints. But when we react to it, we encourage more hints and we hate them. I ignore all subtle hints on purpose. You either tell me directly or you get nothing.
Yeah im definitely ruining my relationship.. but why do I feel like I'm the only one making some effort to change how I approach things. And even when I say things JUST LIKE THIS I still don't feel like it gets anywhere. Just me now being even nicer to someone I'm unfulfilled with
I don't know how your relationship works. But if your the only one making an effort to communicate and change how you speak your probably in a relationship with a very emotionally immature person. It might be time to find someone emotionally more compatible with you. You deserve Love and affection. You deserve basic care. I hope things get better for you! I was in that kind of relationship for years before I got out. It hurt because I thought nothing was wrong and that I was just asking to much but than I started dating someone who takes my love, Affection and care and doubles it 10x. But than again. I am a random internet person. I dont know how your relationship works. If you find something that works for you and your partner thats great too. Communication is key afterall. Things will get better mate. I promise
Hopefully they notice your efforts and start to look at how they're treating you and change. I've been trying to use the advice from this channel, but sometimes stress from either of us gets in the way of a proper conversation 😢
@@enedehenson6140 thank you for your thoughtful reply 🙏❤️ but what if I don't find anybody? Or what if I'm like in my 60s (currently 33) then what's the point? These are more questions I ask myself, not asking a serious response from anyone. But I do want to ask how long it took you to find your partner, how long you've been together, and any advice on getting there or once you're there. Thanks so much again for reaching out and sharing your story. It truly gives me hope for a fulfilling love out there. (I know they exist just don't know if it does for me) I'm so glad you found someone who loves and appreciates you like you've always deserved 🙏❤️
@@Scarzkira girl I feel that! It's very similar on my end- slow and minute progress on both our ends. I think we both recognize there's true love from one another, but maybe compatibility wise it isn't aligning 😣
It starts with you...sometimes you have to do the hard work and help him follow along! Takes men longer to do and see these things! All you can change is you and set a deadline to yourself when your going to set new goals or re check if this is worth doing or if there's been progress, you have to change you! Do not worry about changing them, and don't be angry at them for not changing right away, sometimes just changing yourself makes such big improvements in the relationship
It took me too long to realize that having to practically get a master's in psychology to find the exact words to get your feelings across is pointless when the root of the issue is that they don't care about your feelings in the first place, and that there's no magic combination of words that will make someone suddenly care.
Yeah I love this guys videos, but I feel like both examples are wrong in this video. Don't bring up your concerns in a way that demands a fight, but also don't lie and say you're happy with treatment that was never that good. Just say what's making you unhappy in a non-accusatory way and make it clear that you're willing to hear them out and problem solve with them.
@@howsnows she’s not saying she was happy with his overall treatment, just that she was happy when he took her out because she wanted to make sure he understood how important that is to her. Also, this is only part of what seems to be a slightly longer video based on it cutting off at the end, it’s possible that she does address feeling neglected in the full version
@howsnows - exactly! As a woman who spent a good part of her life kowtowing to men, why is it on the woman to tiptoe around the man to get her feelings and needs acknowledged? I think a combination of the direct approach in the first scenario along with the complimentary approach in the second is far healthier. Perhaps the second approach could be used on a path to better communication, but it should never be how a couple communicates all the time. It puts all of the responsibility on the woman and lets the man take no responsibility.
I’m not being negative when i say this. It’s just that i’ve been in a previous bad relationship. You have to remember that these things only improve when you’re with someone who, at their core, wants to see you happy and is emotionally bonded to you. If you’re with someone who is simply comfortable and having their needs met, nothing you do will make them into the person you’re hoping for. So keep in mind that communication that’s understand and loving is a great and needed foundation, but if the person isn’t the right person, it’s a foundation of sand instead of rock. In this scenario we can only assume they are both caring people. But i would add still be honest about wanting more time. So, all the stuff that was said, but also, “it would be so fun if…would you take me there on…?” Say what you would like. General things like “ make more time” aren’t as helpful as just being direct. Smile and say “put that phone away so i can see your face. I’ve missed you.”
Yes. And, not for nothing, why does he have to plan the dates? Like is he planning all of them? Cuz that doesn't really seem fair, either. Particularly, if you can see he's busy, why not just plan a date yourself and surprise him with it, you know?
When he was the owner of the business, he became a workaholic. So what worked was having him pick a random date, 3 months in the future, and block out his calendar for that day, & time then plan a day trip or a night out, something. So it was things like a trip to a local museum , or trying a new restaurant. All planned 3 months in advance. Then two weeks before, a daily post it note reminding him. It became for him like an appointment with a client, & he was able to take it in stride, & actually enjoy the outing. But if it was, "Can we just go out sometime?" Or "can we go out tonight?" It was just overwhelming for him.
I hear your point and at the same time, you can't just surprise somebody that has a very busy schedule. Take the initiative on planning, yes; surprise them? Not a good idea as it will often cause stress for the busy one and/or disappointment for the planner. @@smol-one
That doesn't change the advice tho. This is a better tool. If this tool doesn't work, then you accept that they don't want to meet your needs, and you....wait for it.....move on.
Makes me think of the phrase "One thank you is worth a hundred sorries". It's not a perfect line and I dont even remember where I heard it but the sentiment really sticks, appreciation for what has gone well is (many times) worth so very much more than focusing on the shortcomings. Very sweet
It is difficult for people in this situation to start off being appreciative and loving when you’re already feeling resentful that the other is not making the effort or even understanding when you bring it up. It might then help to start off learning to express the resentment one feels with a mind that one has a right to express that and be heard. If you feel you don’t have a right to be heard, something is very wrong with that relationship. It might be hard but the person should be willing to hear even if it takes some respectful gentle asserting on your part.
As a therapist of many years I advise my clients to write angry letters not to send from their inner child and praise praise praise and support their inner child for having the courage to do so. Take responsibility for the charge behind your emotions and then communicate with your loved ones. They are not your therapist You are. Heal your relationship with yourself and you will gain a new relationship, either with the one you are with or with a new one It's an inside job
My approach with this has become "Hey, i feel lonely, i would like to spend time with you, can we do something together?" Or more frequently its just trying to make plans to do things together and hoping they keep up with their end of it and don't forget or blow me off.
My bf and I are both AuDHD so while this is great, if we don't finish with something like " Can we do that again?" and "Let's have more dates. " Then it's just appreciation, and nothing gets anywhere. I've found that, at least for us, most of the time, direct is the best.
Imagine a man communicating like that: "I really appreciate you, how you manage all that stress from hard work, and how you managed to find time for us on top of all that you do".
Most of his other skits are exactly that - having men reframe their approach to women and their mindset. This skit is just him showing what worked in their relationship, just the other gender this time. It's actually kinda nice to see because so many of his skits are "men you are being ignorant and complete assholes" and women you do nothing wrong to something a little more human.
Ok, but surely you must see the irony of your comment. In this clip the man said he was struggling at work. So shouldn't it be the woman that actually takes the initiative and plans something? Come on yall. A marriage is not the same as the dating phase. It is not just the man's job to "take you out"..plan something, anything, remind him why he should continue to perservere at work. A marriage isnt just about one person feeling loved. Its amazing while simultaneously not surprising how so many in the comment just gloss over the guy's issue and go straight to "wine and dine me".
How can you like this? It’s terrible. The first way is obviously bad. If you complain I would never spend time with you. If you said you liked spending time with me, I’d think how great I am and how boring you must be. Especially if you were boring on the date and I was the only reason you had fun. If you actually want attention tell a joke. Live your life say I’m doing this want to come. Be a queen and he’ll follow, if not entertain yourself. Only boring people get lonely.
For those who missed it. The first sentence of the woman is already setting the basis of a fight, and putting the man in the defensive: how come you NEVER WANT to spend time with me. The "never" makes things absolute, this already blocks the possibility to improve things, because it says there is nothing good that could be expanded. the "want" implies that this completely his choice. He is probably not experiencing this that way. He is probably feel he is forced to this in order to keep his job or make a promotion to better provide for his family. She also makes it in a big moral problem, wheras for him it is probably more of a practical problem: How to meet the demands of work and also have time and energy left for relation, family, house repairs and contribution to the household. If she speaks to him on a practical level, she has much more chance of reaching him.
Yeah you could do this conversation the same way by instead of "you never" instead have "I feel like you don't do this often which makes me feel like you don't want to spend time with me" ect.
It's nice to see you show both side of issues, i came here coming from your men side of issues and learned a lot, which i shall forever be grateful for. Me and my gf kept talking about how maybe you should talk on the other side as well because there is a lot of issues on there as well. I'm glad you did
Jimmy, wow, I've been watching you for a few months now and brother you are really good at this. You're truly talented and full of wisdom and insight. May you be blessed as you are a blessing to this world. Thank you
Dr. Romani calls that type of abuse “an emotional bread crumbing “, when a narcissist treats you the way that you so afraid of their reaction ( here is a fear of husband’s withdrawal as a punishment), so they start to settle for the bare minimum and thank their spouse for things that happened ones in a million times and hold it as a proof of care. She started this conversation bc of huge deficit of attention that was intentionally done by her husband. Listen to the wife here “ I wish you would give me a fraction of your online presence/work!” Is anyone else can see that red flag 🚩? Luck of argument doesn’t mean that her needs have been met and pleasing her husband is more likely a fawn response rather than constructive communication.
EXACTLY, to me this looks just like the slippery slope of fawning over your husband so he'll pretend to like you for 5 seconds, and then go back to forgetting about you tomorrow. I'm ngl, I didn't care for this video. Like you said, the first example is HER expressing a NEED, and the second clip is now her having to be happy and giddy for crumbs of ATTENTION!?!?! attention is the bare minimum! I swear some couples just don't like each other but they don't want to admit that's the root of the problem for them.
I gotta be honest. I am so happy to be single. I know this guy posts video in an educational manner, and he's helping people out, but boy am I glad I don't have to deal with this shit on a daily basis.
The 1st gal sounded real and genuine with reasons and truth, I prefer my wife being blunt. I'm not a wimp I can take it. The second one is just putting a front, it might reinforce that : "our relationship is not a priority" and she's ok with scraps lol... sounded fake, not my type
Exactly! Nothing actually changed from first scenario to the second except she acted like she wasn't bothered by it. He's still not spending anymore time with her
Yes thank you, the wife's response did seem to be too submissive. I also like to be assertive but fair. Also a very realistic scenario would be one or the other of them being in that insecure space, and showing how to not rise to taking the fight bait. Like she says "how come you never wanna spend time with me" And he comes back with "I have been very busy at work and that has taken a toll on my mental and emotional capacity yet I know you have needs and I'm sorry, can we plan a date together" Or, she comes to him with a direct but gentle tone about being lonely for him and also for his undivided attention. He responds badly but she doesn't take offense. Because I don't know about you, but I don't always find that we're both in a good headspace to talk something out. Sometimes it takes one or the other of us to see past the criticism to the hurt or need, and address that, while not compromising our own boundaries.
Yes thank you, the wife's response did seem to be too submissive. I also like to be assertive but fair. Also a very realistic scenario would be one or the other of them being in that insecure space, and showing how to not rise to taking the fight bait. Like she says "how come you never wanna spend time with me" And he comes back with "I have been very busy at work and that has taken a toll on my mental and emotional capacity yet I know you have needs and I'm sorry, can we plan a date together" Or, she comes to him with a direct but gentle tone about being lonely for him and also for his undivided attention. He responds badly but she doesn't take offense. Because I don't know about you, but I don't always find that we're both in a good headspace to talk something out. Sometimes it takes one or the other of us to see past the criticism to the hurt or need, and address that, while not compromising our own boundaries.
How do you find a balance of progress? Like, if he improved in something like let's say doing something romantic but now he's still giving trouble in another aspect, such as being selfish, I feel like I can't tell him that he hurt my feelings or made me sad because he gets some kind of immunity from improving in a different aspect recently and if I try to talk about too many things at once, it feels like I have a quota of reassurance or he was there for me yesterday but now it's too much or if he's taking care of me when I'm sick, I can't be upset about him making me feel like a burden because he's being nice to me.
I know how you feel. My husband does this a lot. He says, "I work, give me a break," when I bring up that he's been mean, explosive or a slob. Doing one thing does not grant permission to be abusive, or treating someone like a slave.
The problem is with your idea of his "progress." If you really believe you need to help "fix" him, you're the problem, not him. A good man works on himself and doesn't need your "help." If the man is so flawed (and doesn't work on making himself a better version of himself on his own) that he needs your "help," well, that's a "you" problem because you picked the wrong guy. Men require appreciation and respect. If he doesn't do anything worthy of appreciation or respect, again, that's a "you" problem. You picked the wrong guy. If he does do things worthy of appreciation and respect, but you choose to focus on what YOU believe to be his shortcomings in order to get him to "progress" to whatever your vision of him should be, he will take that as a lack of appreciation and disrespect and will only put up with it for so long. The only guys who will put up with that sort of thing indefinitely are not the sort of guys you want to be in a relationship with. You are free to not appreciate or disrespect men all you like. But if that's how you roll, don't ever expect to have a fulfilling relationship with a man. The right kind of man is the sort of man you willingly submit yourself to his leadership. If you aren't willing to submit to his leadership, or aren't willing to submit to any man's leadership, then stay single and save yourself a lot of grief.
@@smokedbrisket3033 I've never disrespected him, I'm not sure how you got that from my comment and I'm constantly giving him praise and appreciation when he hurts me, we communicate and he actually tries. But I'm asking for help on the basis that I feel like I can't bring up other issues that hurt me if it is too close to something good he did. Even after praising and appreciating him and even if the issue isn't big and all I want is a 'oh, my bad. I'm sorry'
@@smokedbrisket3033HUMANS want appreciation and respect. Your comment comes off as patronizing and is ABSOLUTELY victim-blaming: you're saying someone who ends up in an unhealthy or unfulfilling relationship is solely to blame.
Ive noticed my husband responds much better to being encouraged than just telling him whats wrong. It makes him a lot more receptive when i DO have concerns, and helps him feel more loved and appreciated.
I grew up with toxic attacking, constant fights and no reconciliation, just waiting it out and pretending it didn't happen. These videos really help me find better language to use that actually helps the situation.
The problem is, my husband has been "working really hard" for 10+ years. I supported & supported, until I just couldn't anymore. After our 1st son was born, he thought not working EVERY weekend was his change ... he's salary. His success at work makes him feel very fulfulfilled. Then he gets migraines, then I'd massage him, get him tea, food, do all sorts for him. Until I was fed up & said, "When's it MY turn? Do I have to induce a headache, too?" When asked, "How do you make your wife feel loved?" He literally has no answer, even after 20+ years.
My favorite book is How to Talk So Kids Will Listen And Listen So Kids Will Talk. It taught me a lot of lessons that can apply to adult relationships, too. For example, there's a lovely little template for starting a conversation about solving a problem that I think would also be a good way to approach conflict with a partner. (Make sure it's a good time to talk - that both of you are not busy and are in a good headspace for a conversation.) I need to talk to you about... You probably feel... I feel... Let's put our heads together and see if we can come up with any ideas that will make this better for both of us. (The book goes on in detail about how to continue this conversation. Seriously, it's a good one. Highly recommend even if you don't have kids.)
I LOVE THIS! WOW! Two totally different approaches to getting a person’s needs met. I have definitely done the first one incorrectly. However, when you know better, you do better, and knowledge is tremendous power. Thank you!!!
This refreshing, unfortunately some people "narcissists" no matter what you say or how you say it or what you do i will never work....just because 🤷♀️. So be cautious out there.
I cannot express how appreciative I am of these videos. These little reenactments are the kinds of models of healthy communication I need. It’s one thing to understand in theory and another thing entirely to see it practiced.
We need a video on how not to take a cheater back. It’s not always worth the time and pain. And what is worse is the cheater is selfish and doesn’t want the other person to go outside the marriage while they did. This video shows that we acknowledge the little improvement, and HOPE they keep trying. Most don’t, and you have to decide to stay and settle for less or leave. 🤷♀️
Or it’s about changing your perspective, seeing things from their side and what they take on in the relationship and care for the family while also changing your language and how you interact so your not always attacking and being negative. It’s about casting toxic behavior aside and working together, what you both need not just about what you need.
Yes, the last part should be typed first and is so accurate!! This is advocating to praise the bare minimum and will just get "her"bread crumbed in the end. I don't think men will believe this praise and respect it in most scenarios. ALSO, do women ever thank a Boyfriend when dating like this? If not then it's not appropriate after marriage! I can't imagine thanking a boyfriend for working while I'm supporting myself and working or going to school or both. That's NUTTY, right?! Men have probably NEVER intentionally done this and don't work hard to provide for just the family, they work that way for self or to be able to GET the girl, but they stop once she is gotten or go back to work focus because it was always about their worth and never about wife or kids. Leah and Rachel's dad knew it in Bible and tricked Jacob. Sometimes Men and women take on extra work for specific provisions like a sick kid or something, but that's rare and usually a family decision. Women are more likely to go back to work and other family step up too in those cases. Bottom line is Men work even if no family exists simply to survive, so that's the first part that's disingenuous. Women do too before kids so we know they didn't sacrifice anything much like they pretend. Men often use work to avoid family obligations and then claim it is to provide for the family as a way of guilt tripping and gaslighting. I can prove it... Once divorced they still work, so it proves my point. They get to give way less to the family they supposedly" loved and worked hard for" because other men make the laws and often keep for themselves and share with a totally different person, who can make his/her own money anyhow and who was never part of it and who gets attention deserved and should be reserved for that previous family and was vowed too, mainly the kids who never asked to be born and are dependents and need the attention are severely neglected. Which is unlike a grown random man or woman who has wormed their way and stolen something not theirs, says God, who let's face it was probably his side piece anyhow, and doesn't deserve any attention since the marriage dissolved due to his lack of interest and love for kids and wife to begin with. What we second time on is what we really love and or worship so that's the thing to remember when people say they work so hard for family when it's not really true. No one on death bed says wish I had spent more time at work!? If men divorced and they all became less about work and took jobs that paid were less demanding, while still providing the exact same lifestyle to that family it was all for anyhow, right? then they would be believed and prove me.wrong but I have NEVER seen that. Truth will out! Clearly, such a man would be worthy to say he worked like that to provide, but men never do this so it shows the entire premise is 💯 Bull Crap. Never seen one work less and give more and spend more time AFTER divorce, have you ? If so then it would demonstrate they were actually doing all that for the family like they claim. They would also likely win their family back and have a better relationship so take notes men who admit they screwed up and want to fix things!! So it's Total BS and women have instincts and intuition to tell them so they got mad and complained about it for that very reason...they are being lied to and tricked by a false idea that isn't legit so to lean into that lie with this" oh I know you work hard and then took me out so thank ya masser" attitude is grotesque, insulting and never going to solve the problem when the problem is the idea they work to show family love when that's not true in like 90 percent of cases to begin with. We don't get married to be ignored and lied to but that's what happens the vast majority of time sadly. I've seen so much it's depressing.
@@anni5385 your comment reflects that you haven't been betrayed, stolen from, lied to and put at risk by a cheater like the person you are replying to. Anyone who has experienced it, wouldn't write what you wrote. Your comment is suited well for the general comment section but not an appropriate reply to this original comment that was based on that POV, not on just this video at face value, but the caveat that speaks to the victim spouse of an infidel. Once a cheater nearly always a cheater, like as high as 80 percent of time and practically 100 percent, IF the cheater doesn't do something like therapy, addiction counseling or spiritual conversion but shows little remorse or accountability going forward. Hence the very real bread crumbing cycle referred to and the dilemma. Repeat Cheaters are almost always deeply narcissistic and irresponsible so we aren't talking average marriage issues like the video shows. The content creator, Jimmy, acknowledged this with a comment too and has always taken responsibility for "killing his marriage" as he has stated but making amends and doing work to revive it.
@@ThatGuyDoingStuffz it is always the fault of the cheater. PERIOD. They chose to break vows and are therefore Liars. Mine was grooming young women and pretending to be different people ten years younger and left me and our oldest off his fake social media accts to pull it off and was using our toddler as bait and taking her to "play dates" with strangers never thinking she might be kidnapped, which is one reason he wanted me to homeschool and us be with him 24/7 other than when he managed to do this other stuff while i was taking our eldest to PT. . That's entirely His fault. He couldn't be honest and got high off the sneaking and lying. You can be with a total monster and still NEVER cheat, I know because the thought never crossed my mind and my guy was very toxic and strange and hid my asthma medicine because he said he'd rather me die than it impact my ability to be perfectly passive and sweet for him. He also assaulted me when I got proof that he was messing with teens and using our toddler as bait. I got STD from him even though I was virgin for him and met him in church. He knew exactly who I was and used my integrity and commitment to God and institution of marriage to keep me trapped longer than I should've been. Then he messed with wrong lady and her husband and it got dangerous for all of us. Whose fault was that? He blamed some medicine and we forgave and kept watch just in case, but it all started again 3 years later when not on any medicine and despite me checking in on him and trying all sorts of things. Finally, a counselor said, he's Dark Triad, this won't get better, you have to protect yourselves and let him go if he wants to and encourage it with NC. ALL CHEATERS cheat at other things too. Mine cheated some handiman out of about $500 around that last time and did a lot of sneaky, questionable things. It never starts in relationship and has nothing to with sex unless they have a sexual addiction. It has to do with something wrong in them and possibly from childhood. Mine stole and set people up on childhood but said he stopped that when he became Christian. So see it's always the cheater who thinks they deserve what they want when they want it and with no consequences for it. I have degree in psych field of family development and child life. I have worked with many who have been cheated on and abused people. I'm speaking from more than just my experience. You probably are a troll or a cheater in denial and didn't read my whole reply to Anni. You are wanting to shift blame and use DARVO, which they ALL do, predictably and sadly. But there is always hope if you or whoever you think you are defending aren't Dark Triad so go get it and do the self work and don't accuse me of not having done it when I truly have. Patrick Teahan is a great asset on RUclips, better than this guy for ACE's and individual work. Be well and blessings and prayers for you and those who may read this. God is good and can use what was intended for evil and does all the time and he forgives all sin to those who change their minds and admit they need Him and are sinners so that's really the main thing that matters in the end. We all fall short BUT no person causes another to cheat and God knows about Adultery betrayal and the hearts of cheaters more than anyone, ever! Read about it when you can
OMG this is absolutely amazing. This should be taught in schools, seriously. I am convinced that this is the 1 way to ensure your relationship doesn't break down. This 1 thing could have saved me so much. Appreciation is KEY. Absolutely key. Thank you❤
Holy shit, the first half was almost word to word the conversation I had with my husband last night. Though it was less of a conversation and more of a fight. I've got to try being more appreciative. (On a side note: Being appreciative is a thing many people from lower social classes struggle with because those children are rarely complimented and often criticized by their families.)
You might also look into "I/me" statements instead of "you/catastrophe" statements. And listen to what he's saying. Really listen. Hope things are going better, and you've learned some communication tips in the month since.
I’m editing because people don’t understand it: read at the end It’s not possible to communicate things that way because that’s not what she was implying at the beginning, you are just accepting what you’re being given and it’s not enough and you’re saying thank you for not giving me enough, it’s true you went out and you might have had a good time, but still is not enough and you have to be able to tell him clearly I am not happy with what’s happening here whether he likes it or not, there’s no need to argue, but it’s important to be very clear You can’t reward people for doing things wrong, it doesn’t mean that you are going to roast them, but you have your expectancies and if they r not met, you can’t just say that is lovely
I think he is showing how to handle the situation so that the guy would feel compelled to doing more of that stuff. It could work, sometimes we just need to know how to talk to our audience so we can in the end get the end result. It's very similar to how to raise little children to get them to do what you want them to do.
@@moonlight0186 Exactly. By praising and encouraging him, it inspires him to do more of the good stuff- that’s the whole point of her saying that. Whereas if you criticize, many guys get defensive and purposely rebel and don’t give what you want.
I see what you’re saying, and I get the frustration. You should be able to express when your needs aren’t being met. However, I’ve had the first version of this conversation with my ex-wife unfortunately many times, and I was beyond overwhelmed with work. She absolutely didn’t feel connected with, and that was my fault for having an empty cup. Had she shown respect to me for all the work I was doing to keep everything together, I would’ve had more capacity to give. Relationships are tough, both sides matter. When one person decides to switch to gratitude for the other person (you still matter and so do your needs) most reasonable people will respond in kind.
It's better to start off a conversation with appreciation of effort and hard work rather than a criticism. This still feels like putting the load of planning to spend time together on him. Since he took her out last week, she can take him out this week. Trading off could help him relax and reduce his stress from work, and make him feel more loved and cared for too.
Exactly! It always frustrates me to no end when I see these kind of clips. It's always the woman complaining about a men not taking her out or nothing making time. But they never think about taking the initiative themselves and taking their man out. Both partners can make plans to go out on dates, it's not only up to the men. In fact I have been the one with the most plans for dates.
That first one really stung. That shutdown repsonse resonated deeply...in my life, ive learned that the people who come after you like that often won't stop unless you submit and give them what they want that instant. No thought given to your perspective at all. The guy in the second clip seemed like we was seen. Demanding jobs are not always fun, work-life boundaries are hard to nail.
It really helps when a person like you described yourself cares to express your perspective in a patient and calm way! It gives a signal “I hear your emotion and this is my facts” and an offer to discuss the whole thing. It would be an appropriate way of reacting without submitting anything you don’t want to or being defending-aggressive and still a step towards. It’s a wrong person who never stops and it’s also a wrong person who does easiest thing instead of being honest and caring. It’s great when one minds others perspective but also doesn’t owe anyone to play around your interests expressing them first in case of frustration, it’s just to much (sometimes!). It’s still great when one comes to us with a problem and still shows gratitude though, but in case it’s somehow impossible a bit of kind respond helps. P.S. sorry for my English it’s still developing skill:)
@anastasias.9666 All good! And I appreciate the feedback. It's tough, trauma is a part of my shutdown cycle for sure. Submission is an old, hard-wired response to keep things from escalating. "Seeing" my abuser wouldn't have done much because that was not how she got her validation--she got it through manipulating and exhausting her target. Nobody else is her and there is nobody like her. It's a very hard thing to unlearn.
And that's where you separate the relation into "trash pile" or "worth something", which is a scary thing to do. I had to throw a relationship into the trash pile because he would indeed not get the message. He would apologise still for his part, say he is happy that I feel that way, but then do it all over again. If the person in scenario 2 actually cares but is just sick of the fighting like in scenario 1 then there's a chance. If you show love yourself instead of only demanding it and the person still doesn't care, then you have an answer. If they do care, they will follow your love.
I like that you left it at appreciation. It shows that you are securely attached, compassionate and are creating a non-judgmental safe environment for connection and the road map to open up this conversation again without resentment. Love it.
So, to me, I would say she is manipulating. She wants more time with him. So in the second scenario, albeit not angry or attacking, she is telling him something in order to receive something. To me, that is manipulation.
I would agree that she was not direct enough. Expecting him to read between the lines. Feels like manipulation. If there was more added to the end I would change my mind, but so far it seems like she's shelving her needs in being understanding. There is a way to have your needs met while also kindly asking for quality time.
Finally, a video that works. It is not babying/gentle parent whatever that is. It is treating the other person with respect like you would do with a friend. At some point in relationship the way people treat the other person like property or accessory is what leads to the first style of argument.
This absolutely works! Lately, I've stopped complaining about the things he doesn't do and appreciating the things he does, and it has made a huge difference! Also, I'm not doing something that I don't want to do just to have time with him. We both are real and I feel the switch to a great energy. Note: Sometimes we fall into (people) pleasing just to have "quality" time with our partners, and that's not right
The first one she showed clear communication about what was hurting her. The second one she manipulated him into treating her better by not addressing what she was concerned about and expecting a certain behaviour change. Idk about anyone else but my relationship has lasted 10 years and is still strong because we have open honest communication about what hurts us and we hear the person out when we are on the receiving end.
I appreciate this, but how does it guarantee that he’s going to continue staying in his masculine energy and pursuing her so that she feels safe and loved? It’s easy for women to pour in and be nurturing when we have a solid foundation of reassurance… And that’s great that she complemented him but I often fear that a guy will think this is enough that I did the bare minimum so she’s good now.
Barf. This video is nauseating and infuriating. No woman starts out this mad. This skit starts the moment the man is clued into something being wrong. What usually happens is she started out being understanding, and giving praise for breadcrumb behavior from him, hoping that would be enough to motivate him to change his behavior. But, he just takes it as praise he's due bc HE thinks he's doing great and nothing changes. When she finally gets to a point where it hurts too damn much to keep it in anymore that she expresses her hurt and frustration -- and THAT'S when the man FINALLY notices (but has no point of refrence for where this is coming from bc she's been super happy and sugary before and this seems to be coming out of left field). Sure, he feels attacked -- but he's obviously more concerned about maintaining the high ground and being right over seeing that his wife is hurting. So, he takes the "you're being unreasonable and I'm obviously the victim here," stance and proceeds to gaslight her. Nothing she said in the first part of the skit was attacking or wrong. Obviously, in her anxious state of trying to be vulnerable and express her feelings about an issue that's been bothering her for a while, she lost a step in her argument by using a hasty generalization fallacy when she used the word "never." Had she changed that word to "rarely" her point would have been completley unasailable. Her point is still valid, though. He just doesn't want to hear it.
"you never want" is textbook attacking. She didn't say "I feel". She formatted it as you, catastrophized with "never" (though that's factually incorrect), then applied the worst motivations possible, and stated it all as fact rather than opinion or experience. You can't get more attacking than that. And that's just those 3 words. Made wise by the fact she doesn't listen to him or his concerns at all, and blaming him for withdrawing when she's not listening anyway. If she had said "I feel like we never go out", instead of "we never go out", that gives him at LEAST the room to look and see if they do in fact go out, and hopefully helps her keep in mind the fact that feelings, while real, aren't always true. "It seems like you're always on your phone" is very different from "you're always on your phone", because the first is a perception, not a statement of fact. If she described all of her complaints starting with self directing language, "I feel, it seems to me, I want", then she can express all the same frustrations with nearly identical language, and it's significantly less attacking because she's just sharing how she feels and sees things instead of becoming the truth arbiter of the universe.
Wow this was a great perspective and insight into understanding what I am doing wrong. Thank you for displaying the appreciation method and helping me realize what I can do better!
More videos like this please!!!!!! A problematic but common way to deal with a realistic common specific scenario, followed by a better way to try. Because in the moment I don’t realize what I’m doing, let alone how I could instead be following good advice to do it better on my end. And thank you!
In the second part, I'd take it a step further with voicing, "can we do that time together more often? I want to keep this closeness between us growing." I think expressing the desire and need for more connections is also healthy and doesn't totally dismiss them like the 2nd part kind of covers up.
This is so good.😍 A good reminder to come in to the argument from a standpoint of being on the same team and looking first on the positive your partner has done.☺️
I appreciate this video. This works with lots of different types of relationships. I interact in similar ways with my students. I tell them thank you all the time, for things they should be doing. I have had other teachers tell me they don't thank students for things they should do. I think everyone likes being seen and appreciated.
The first way she brought it up wasn't perfect but the partner immediately escalates. He should also be concerned about her feelings rather than immediately taking the defense. I understand people have trouble not doing that, but this character seems to really struggle with seeing himself as imperfect or "the bad guy." Fawning isn't the solution. It's good to be patient and thoughtful of your words with your loved ones when communicating about something that upsets you, but the latter is not the solution. It's good to appreciate and recognize what your partner does for you, but if anything then say "i just feel like we don't spend enough time together" or something. It's weird how time spent together is framed as something that's only for her. It would be hurtful to think your partner doesn't want to spend much time with you, but especially if he's treating it like this burden.
This hits hard when we consider how much time we spend on our phones losing time on relationships, but we also need that when we come home so tired from work or a big event. I just think we need a balance between work and so that we are not neglecting one over the other, thank you so much for your videos they're alway so enlightening. You seem like such a kind person, God bless
Thank you for this! Having a template to know how to frame these things helps so much! People always say to encourage rather than complain or nag and I’m like how do you even do that? What does that even look like? This is it, thank you.
Using "you" too much, saying "never" or "always" puts the other person into defense mode, where the entire argument will be them finding ways to disprove what you accused them of. Pillow Talks podcast with Vanessa and Xander Marin calls it "lawyer mode." It is a great podcast for learning better communication and great sex/relationship tips.
Hey Jimmy, Chris here from germany. I am a victim of a narcisstic mother and growed up in a household with neglection and screaming between my parents all the time. it pans out that ive becomed an empath, but also an people pleaser, because i cant (or couldnt) stand any emotional stress at all. This lead to a behaviour where i didnt set any boundaries in my relationships. finally i cut contact to my narc mother and started healing. i am in my late 30s now, but always tried to find solutions and didnt sit on any problems (due to my unability to stand emotional stress or anger in any relationship). after i started to set boundaries (cutting my mum, setting boundaries with colleagues and my girlfriend, some stressfull events happend, the last one today with my girlfriend, but what could have ended in a relationship crisis, ended in a meaningful conversation, clarity and no shaming or yelling. i made my boundaries clear, but so do i understand the reasons for some of the behaviours my girlfriend has. that doesnt make her a bad human, just a human being with traumatic experience (so am i). we try to heal and make progress, because we made nearly matching experiences with our parents. and you have a part in this process. thank you. sincere, chris
Thank you making content about something’s other than how hard anxiously attached people have it. Nagging, passive aggression,demanding, and criticizing are just as anti relational as shutting down, defensiveness, or avoiding. Both people have to change strategies and meet in the middle.
![Chris Langan - The Interview THEY Didn't Want You To See - CTMU [Full Version; Timestamps]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/9miVG2xT5jY/mqdefault.jpg)
This is the video format I benefit most from: showing the common mistake and then the preferred method of communication. Thanks, Jimmy!
😼👏👏👏
Exactly!!!
I disagree, if someone complained I didn’t spend time with them, I’d spend even less time with them and If they said they enjoyed spending time with me, I’d think how great I am and how boring the other person must be if they can’t entertain themselves. If someone wanted my attention, they’d tell a joke or say they were going somewhere and say I could come if I want. If it was good I’d probably go. By saying either thing he suggested, you’re admitting you’re boring and needy. No one wants that.
@sparkles999rose2 Yikes your comment is a massive red flag, it seems like you never knew learned what a real intimacy and partnership is
@@kalinakowalska184 I wouldn’t want a pathetic partner who needs attention that’s just a whiney first world problem. The red flag here is the person who needs attention. No one wants to deal with someone so needy. They’ll just bring you down and suck up precious time. People like that are never happy.
This doesn’t work with narcissists because nothing works with narcissists. They aren’t interested in closeness or connection. 😢
Doesn't work with adult children, either
I think this is the first one of your videos where your suggestion wouldn't work for a significantly large amount of people, not just 'narcissists'. I feel like in the solution shown she comes off as being passive-aggressive, yet still doing all the work to meet in the middle, while he is barely responding and doesn't have a follow through of trying to meet the need she is expressing. She isn't doing a good job at verbalizing, and he is hearing, not listening.
Edit: @soheston's reply captured 100% what I felt like watching that exchange in a much more eloquent way.
@@PurpleFlames87 exactly! My partner isn't a narcissist, just emotionally unavailable/immature 😔
@@chelseaaa7360umm i believe that's a narc.
When the other has shown they do not want emotional closeness and you DO, know this, just as your needs won’t change, either will theirs!!!!!
It’s a mismatch of emotional needs. There’s nothing to stick around for because if they’re narcissistic or any other emotional distinction where they have incompatible emotional needs.
More content like this please! how to approach conversations/disagreements in a non-aggressive and respectful manner.
This won’t work. If you want attention you have to be entertaining and focus on you and ignore him.
@@sparkles999rose2 that sounds awful
@@abbiemarie19 how? Would you rather obsess over someone who doesn’t matter?
@@sparkles999rose2 why are YOU with someone who doesn’t matter to you and treats you like this?
@@abbiemarie19 treats me like what? Can you not read? I have no idea how you got to that conclusion? You stu pid? I’m interesting so my husband follows ME around, I don’t follow him. I could care less what he does, I make my life fun. Other people aren’t responsible for your happiness. If you’re bored, it means you’re a boring person, so why would anyone want to be around that?
These reframing videos are SUPER helpful. It’s hard to override our natural instincts without an example. Thank you for all the work you do.
Yes. My natural instincts are to be like the first part of the video. These videos are an eye opener.
Direct communication, such as "Can we do that again?" and "Let's have more dates," is key for progress in relationships. Bluntness is preferred by some, as it shows genuine communication and honesty.
You’ve made me rethink how I approach conflict and become softer with what I expect and need from others. Thank you for doing this. 🧡
I like the alternative approach❤
@@kathleenreyes4345So do I.
Honestly if your man doesn't bother you should just change man 😂they're literaly everywhere
@@arianegagnon7650 absolutely queen
@@arianegagnon7650 yeah, I ditched him
I have been told by MANY men that they do not get hints, be direct, etc. The 2nd ending seems like it’s relying on the man to read between the lines. This can lead to a communication breakdown if the woman’s expectations aren’t met. The proverbial ‘you didn’t tell me’ but she did issue. This can be done directly without confrontation.
‘I loved how you did that for me and it really filled up my love tank. I’d love to do it again next weekend/every month etc’
This is praising and acknowledging the good, but direct in what is wanted.
This! Especially for those with neurodivergent partners, that extra bit of directness can be vital.
I _might_ read between the lines if my partner praised a previous date like this, but I might just take it at face value and feel good that what I did was appreciated and not see it as a request for more regular dates.
Being direct doesn't have to mean being demanding, just plainly state what your wants and needs are so we can meet them. (Or if you yourself don't know, let's figure them out together!)
I'm glad I wasnt the only one who felt this way. I know Ive tried saying things like this, they take it as yay! Im doing good I can keep it up how it is.
I feel like even as the other reply said, doing the second, but adding that you'd like it to happen more frequently would be a lot more effective. If you have an issue with the current situation you cant just praise the current. If theyre doing something right, but it needs to be done more frequently, you should communicate that right? There has to be a to communicate you need more time in a healthy way and them understand it. But then again, I've literally said the words "I miss you. I've really been missing you, I think I need more quality time with you" to a man before and them still just not get it. Most men I know if you did the second would assume that as long as they carve out time for one good night every few months their partner's needs are met.
I know it doesnt sound best for someone to say "What you've done is a great start, but I need you to do it more often" but there has to be a healthy way to convey that.
Honestly I thought, like in this scenario, where its needing time with someone, that my statement above would be a great way, (the "I miss you. Think I need more quality time with you") however, I tried. It didnt work, but doesnt that check the healthy communication boxes?
Using an I statement
Not placing blame
Communicate how you feel
Communicate what would help.
We get hints. But when we react to it, we encourage more hints and we hate them. I ignore all subtle hints on purpose. You either tell me directly or you get nothing.
Exactly. He would be like "oh I did it ok, she feels great, I can ignore her now again for the next 2 months"
Have none of you heard the phrase: “You catch more flies with honey”? In business management it’s call “the complement sandwich”
Yeah im definitely ruining my relationship.. but why do I feel like I'm the only one making some effort to change how I approach things. And even when I say things JUST LIKE THIS I still don't feel like it gets anywhere. Just me now being even nicer to someone I'm unfulfilled with
I don't know how your relationship works. But if your the only one making an effort to communicate and change how you speak your probably in a relationship with a very emotionally immature person.
It might be time to find someone emotionally more compatible with you.
You deserve Love and affection. You deserve basic care. I hope things get better for you! I was in that kind of relationship for years before I got out. It hurt because I thought nothing was wrong and that I was just asking to much but than I started dating someone who takes my love, Affection and care and doubles it 10x.
But than again. I am a random internet person. I dont know how your relationship works. If you find something that works for you and your partner thats great too. Communication is key afterall.
Things will get better mate. I promise
Hopefully they notice your efforts and start to look at how they're treating you and change. I've been trying to use the advice from this channel, but sometimes stress from either of us gets in the way of a proper conversation 😢
@@enedehenson6140 thank you for your thoughtful reply 🙏❤️ but what if I don't find anybody? Or what if I'm like in my 60s (currently 33) then what's the point?
These are more questions I ask myself, not asking a serious response from anyone. But I do want to ask how long it took you to find your partner, how long you've been together, and any advice on getting there or once you're there.
Thanks so much again for reaching out and sharing your story. It truly gives me hope for a fulfilling love out there. (I know they exist just don't know if it does for me) I'm so glad you found someone who loves and appreciates you like you've always deserved 🙏❤️
@@Scarzkira girl I feel that! It's very similar on my end- slow and minute progress on both our ends. I think we both recognize there's true love from one another, but maybe compatibility wise it isn't aligning 😣
It starts with you...sometimes you have to do the hard work and help him follow along! Takes men longer to do and see these things! All you can change is you and set a deadline to yourself when your going to set new goals or re check if this is worth doing or if there's been progress, you have to change you! Do not worry about changing them, and don't be angry at them for not changing right away, sometimes just changing yourself makes such big improvements in the relationship
Anyone else sick of having to gentle parent their s/o like this and then not getting it in return?
Yes
It took me too long to realize that having to practically get a master's in psychology to find the exact words to get your feelings across is pointless when the root of the issue is that they don't care about your feelings in the first place, and that there's no magic combination of words that will make someone suddenly care.
Yeah I love this guys videos, but I feel like both examples are wrong in this video. Don't bring up your concerns in a way that demands a fight, but also don't lie and say you're happy with treatment that was never that good.
Just say what's making you unhappy in a non-accusatory way and make it clear that you're willing to hear them out and problem solve with them.
@@howsnows she’s not saying she was happy with his overall treatment, just that she was happy when he took her out because she wanted to make sure he understood how important that is to her. Also, this is only part of what seems to be a slightly longer video based on it cutting off at the end, it’s possible that she does address feeling neglected in the full version
@howsnows - exactly! As a woman who spent a good part of her life kowtowing to men, why is it on the woman to tiptoe around the man to get her feelings and needs acknowledged? I think a combination of the direct approach in the first scenario along with the complimentary approach in the second is far healthier.
Perhaps the second approach could be used on a path to better communication, but it should never be how a couple communicates all the time. It puts all of the responsibility on the woman and lets the man take no responsibility.
Thank you! Many of your videos is about responding to toxicity. This is about managing ones own toxicity. Love it! Self improvement and empathy!
Great point Sometimes we need to focus more on gratitude. As my southern Aunt would say we need a count our blessings, not our desires.
I’m not being negative when i say this. It’s just that i’ve been in a previous bad relationship. You have to remember that these things only improve when you’re with someone who, at their core, wants to see you happy and is emotionally bonded to you. If you’re with someone who is simply comfortable and having their needs met, nothing you do will make them into the person you’re hoping for. So keep in mind that communication that’s understand and loving is a great and needed foundation, but if the person isn’t the right person, it’s a foundation of sand instead of rock. In this scenario we can only assume they are both caring people. But i would add still be honest about wanting more time. So, all the stuff that was said, but also, “it would be so fun if…would you take me there on…?” Say what you would like. General things like “ make more time” aren’t as helpful as just being direct. Smile and say “put that phone away so i can see your face. I’ve missed you.”
Yes. And, not for nothing, why does he have to plan the dates? Like is he planning all of them? Cuz that doesn't really seem fair, either. Particularly, if you can see he's busy, why not just plan a date yourself and surprise him with it, you know?
@@smol-one i so agree on this! My gf and I HATE gender norms. I wish other people thought this way about things too
When he was the owner of the business, he became a workaholic. So what worked was having him pick a random date, 3 months in the future, and block out his calendar for that day, & time then plan a day trip or a night out, something.
So it was things like a trip to a local museum , or trying a new restaurant. All planned 3 months in advance. Then two weeks before, a daily post it note reminding him.
It became for him like an appointment with a client, & he was able to take it in stride, & actually enjoy the outing.
But if it was, "Can we just go out sometime?" Or "can we go out tonight?" It was just overwhelming for him.
I hear your point and at the same time, you can't just surprise somebody that has a very busy schedule. Take the initiative on planning, yes; surprise them? Not a good idea as it will often cause stress for the busy one and/or disappointment for the planner. @@smol-one
That doesn't change the advice tho. This is a better tool. If this tool doesn't work, then you accept that they don't want to meet your needs, and you....wait for it.....move on.
I really appreciate these clips on how to better broach things.
How is this good, telling a joke would get way better results and make people want to spend time with you
As a teacher, I'm moving closer and closer to that second example in how I treat my students. I appreciate you.
The facts you see this can apply to children says everything about most men and marriages.
Makes me think of the phrase "One thank you is worth a hundred sorries".
It's not a perfect line and I dont even remember where I heard it but the sentiment really sticks, appreciation for what has gone well is (many times) worth so very much more than focusing on the shortcomings.
Very sweet
It is difficult for people in this situation to start off being appreciative and loving when you’re already feeling resentful that the other is not making the effort or even understanding when you bring it up.
It might then help to start off learning to express the resentment one feels with a mind that one has a right to express that and be heard. If you feel you don’t have a right to be heard, something is very wrong with that relationship. It might be hard but the person should be willing to hear even if it takes some respectful gentle asserting on your part.
As a therapist of many years I advise my clients to write angry letters not to send from their inner child and praise praise praise and support their inner child for having the courage to do so.
Take responsibility for the charge behind your emotions and then communicate with your loved ones.
They are not your therapist You are.
Heal your relationship with yourself and you will gain a new relationship, either with the one you are with or with a new one
It's an inside job
So you basically say as a therapist you do not recommend telling another person you have some issue with how the relationship works?
My approach with this has become "Hey, i feel lonely, i would like to spend time with you, can we do something together?" Or more frequently its just trying to make plans to do things together and hoping they keep up with their end of it and don't forget or blow me off.
This is so much better than complaining about a lack of time together to an overwhelmed individual. Good solution!
My bf and I are both AuDHD so while this is great, if we don't finish with something like " Can we do that again?" and "Let's have more dates. " Then it's just appreciation, and nothing gets anywhere. I've found that, at least for us, most of the time, direct is the best.
Excellent point
Imagine a man communicating like that: "I really appreciate you, how you manage all that stress from hard work, and how you managed to find time for us on top of all that you do".
Never! Yet somehow that’s the expectation for women. I hate it here! :-)
Hahaha, maybe in a piece of female fantasy science fiction written by a man. Not in real life. Hah
Most of his other skits are exactly that - having men reframe their approach to women and their mindset. This skit is just him showing what worked in their relationship, just the other gender this time.
It's actually kinda nice to see because so many of his skits are "men you are being ignorant and complete assholes" and women you do nothing wrong to something a little more human.
Ok, but surely you must see the irony of your comment. In this clip the man said he was struggling at work. So shouldn't it be the woman that actually takes the initiative and plans something? Come on yall. A marriage is not the same as the dating phase. It is not just the man's job to "take you out"..plan something, anything, remind him why he should continue to perservere at work. A marriage isnt just about one person feeling loved. Its amazing while simultaneously not surprising how so many in the comment just gloss over the guy's issue and go straight to "wine and dine me".
Very awesome content my guy 👏 glad to come across some positive influence and how important open communication is in relationships
I love these videos, especially when you give positive verbiage to handle the situation.
How can you like this? It’s terrible. The first way is obviously bad. If you complain I would never spend time with you. If you said you liked spending time with me, I’d think how great I am and how boring you must be. Especially if you were boring on the date and I was the only reason you had fun. If you actually want attention tell a joke. Live your life say I’m doing this want to come. Be a queen and he’ll follow, if not entertain yourself. Only boring people get lonely.
Jimmy. You’re smashing it as per usual. Thank you.
For those who missed it. The first sentence of the woman is already setting the basis of a fight, and putting the man in the defensive: how come you NEVER WANT to spend time with me.
The "never" makes things absolute, this already blocks the possibility to improve things, because it says there is nothing good that could be expanded.
the "want" implies that this completely his choice. He is probably not experiencing this that way. He is probably feel he is forced to this in order to keep his job or make a promotion to better provide for his family.
She also makes it in a big moral problem, wheras for him it is probably more of a practical problem: How to meet the demands of work and also have time and energy left for relation, family, house repairs and contribution to the household. If she speaks to him on a practical level, she has much more chance of reaching him.
We got it, don't worry😂
not everyone is you.
nothing wrong with explaining something in detail and sharing your view@@mangafq8
@@mangafq8Oh trust me some people definitely did not get it.
Hey thanks for beaking that down, brings a lot more perspective into an already very illustrative video
Yeah you could do this conversation the same way by instead of "you never" instead have "I feel like you don't do this often which makes me feel like you don't want to spend time with me" ect.
It's nice to see you show both side of issues, i came here coming from your men side of issues and learned a lot, which i shall forever be grateful for. Me and my gf kept talking about how maybe you should talk on the other side as well because there is a lot of issues on there as well. I'm glad you did
Jimmy, wow, I've been watching you for a few months now and brother you are really good at this. You're truly talented and full of wisdom and insight. May you be blessed as you are a blessing to this world. Thank you
I said this to him and he’s like “we are together right now” it never gets old
Very good example of the difference between coming at somebody and coming to somebody.
I'm so glad to see this! I love your videos geared towards men but I definitely need some tips too! Thanks ☺️
“Fill my love tank”🤨
Who talks like that in real life???
I don't know but I find it amusing enough that I'm going to start unironically using it and see how my bf reacts.
Thank you for all of these wonderful messages. It truly shines the light where it hits home. 🌅
Dr. Romani calls that type of abuse “an emotional bread crumbing “, when a narcissist treats you the way that you so afraid of their reaction ( here is a fear of husband’s withdrawal as a punishment), so they start to settle for the bare minimum and thank their spouse for things that happened ones in a million times and hold it as a proof of care. She started this conversation bc of huge deficit of attention that was intentionally done by her husband. Listen to the wife here “ I wish you would give me a fraction of your online presence/work!” Is anyone else can see that red flag 🚩? Luck of argument doesn’t mean that her needs have been met and pleasing her husband is more likely a fawn response rather than constructive communication.
Somebody saw it. I thought it was only me. I got annoyed right away😅
Thank u for this!
Not girls thinking every man in the world is a narcissist again, might as well just make narcissist be a placeholder at this point
EXACTLY, to me this looks just like the slippery slope of fawning over your husband so he'll pretend to like you for 5 seconds, and then go back to forgetting about you tomorrow. I'm ngl, I didn't care for this video. Like you said, the first example is HER expressing a NEED, and the second clip is now her having to be happy and giddy for crumbs of ATTENTION!?!?! attention is the bare minimum! I swear some couples just don't like each other but they don't want to admit that's the root of the problem for them.
@@CloudAkura7sounds like you don't know many girls😂
I love these role play videos. They are so helpful. Thank you 😊
I gotta be honest. I am so happy to be single. I know this guy posts video in an educational manner, and he's helping people out, but boy am I glad I don't have to deal with this shit on a daily basis.
totally agree.
+1
And you are sort of right. 😊 being with someone can be a hard work.
So balanced with the approach of 'we are all coming from a wounded place.' Brilliant
The 1st gal sounded real and genuine with reasons and truth, I prefer my wife being blunt. I'm not a wimp I can take it. The second one is just putting a front, it might reinforce that : "our relationship is not a priority" and she's ok with scraps lol... sounded fake, not my type
Agree! If she only says it like this , most guys won’t understand that she means she wants more of that, they would think it’s okay with how it is
Exactly! Nothing actually changed from first scenario to the second except she acted like she wasn't bothered by it. He's still not spending anymore time with her
Yes thank you, the wife's response did seem to be too submissive. I also like to be assertive but fair. Also a very realistic scenario would be one or the other of them being in that insecure space, and showing how to not rise to taking the fight bait.
Like she says "how come you never wanna spend time with me"
And he comes back with "I have been very busy at work and that has taken a toll on my mental and emotional capacity yet I know you have needs and I'm sorry, can we plan a date together"
Or, she comes to him with a direct but gentle tone about being lonely for him and also for his undivided attention. He responds badly but she doesn't take offense.
Because I don't know about you, but I don't always find that we're both in a good headspace to talk something out. Sometimes it takes one or the other of us to see past the criticism to the hurt or need, and address that, while not compromising our own boundaries.
Yes thank you, the wife's response did seem to be too submissive. I also like to be assertive but fair. Also a very realistic scenario would be one or the other of them being in that insecure space, and showing how to not rise to taking the fight bait.
Like she says "how come you never wanna spend time with me"
And he comes back with "I have been very busy at work and that has taken a toll on my mental and emotional capacity yet I know you have needs and I'm sorry, can we plan a date together"
Or, she comes to him with a direct but gentle tone about being lonely for him and also for his undivided attention. He responds badly but she doesn't take offense.
Because I don't know about you, but I don't always find that we're both in a good headspace to talk something out. Sometimes it takes one or the other of us to see past the criticism to the hurt or need, and address that, while not compromising our own boundaries.
Exactly what I thought.
I really like every skit because they’re informative, simple & fun to watch! Thank you 😊
I can be approached like in the first one and still be like “okay I see what you’re saying and I’ll work on it.”
These different conversation scenarios really help! Thank you!
How do you find a balance of progress? Like, if he improved in something like let's say doing something romantic but now he's still giving trouble in another aspect, such as being selfish, I feel like I can't tell him that he hurt my feelings or made me sad because he gets some kind of immunity from improving in a different aspect recently and if I try to talk about too many things at once, it feels like I have a quota of reassurance or he was there for me yesterday but now it's too much or if he's taking care of me when I'm sick, I can't be upset about him making me feel like a burden because he's being nice to me.
I know how you feel. My husband does this a lot. He says, "I work, give me a break," when I bring up that he's been mean, explosive or a slob. Doing one thing does not grant permission to be abusive, or treating someone like a slave.
The problem is with your idea of his "progress." If you really believe you need to help "fix" him, you're the problem, not him.
A good man works on himself and doesn't need your "help."
If the man is so flawed (and doesn't work on making himself a better version of himself on his own) that he needs your "help," well, that's a "you" problem because you picked the wrong guy.
Men require appreciation and respect. If he doesn't do anything worthy of appreciation or respect, again, that's a "you" problem. You picked the wrong guy.
If he does do things worthy of appreciation and respect, but you choose to focus on what YOU believe to be his shortcomings in order to get him to "progress" to whatever your vision of him should be, he will take that as a lack of appreciation and disrespect and will only put up with it for so long. The only guys who will put up with that sort of thing indefinitely are not the sort of guys you want to be in a relationship with.
You are free to not appreciate or disrespect men all you like. But if that's how you roll, don't ever expect to have a fulfilling relationship with a man.
The right kind of man is the sort of man you willingly submit yourself to his leadership. If you aren't willing to submit to his leadership, or aren't willing to submit to any man's leadership, then stay single and save yourself a lot of grief.
@@smokedbrisket3033 I've never disrespected him, I'm not sure how you got that from my comment and I'm constantly giving him praise and appreciation when he hurts me, we communicate and he actually tries. But I'm asking for help on the basis that I feel like I can't bring up other issues that hurt me if it is too close to something good he did. Even after praising and appreciating him and even if the issue isn't big and all I want is a 'oh, my bad. I'm sorry'
@@smokedbrisket3033🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
@@smokedbrisket3033HUMANS want appreciation and respect. Your comment comes off as patronizing and is ABSOLUTELY victim-blaming: you're saying someone who ends up in an unhealthy or unfulfilling relationship is solely to blame.
Ive noticed my husband responds much better to being encouraged than just telling him whats wrong. It makes him a lot more receptive when i DO have concerns, and helps him feel more loved and appreciated.
I grew up with toxic attacking, constant fights and no reconciliation, just waiting it out and pretending it didn't happen. These videos really help me find better language to use that actually helps the situation.
The problem is, my husband has been "working really hard" for 10+ years.
I supported & supported, until I just couldn't anymore.
After our 1st son was born, he thought not working EVERY weekend was his change ... he's salary.
His success at work makes him feel very fulfulfilled. Then he gets migraines, then I'd massage him, get him tea, food, do all sorts for him.
Until I was fed up & said, "When's it MY turn? Do I have to induce a headache, too?"
When asked, "How do you make your wife feel loved?" He literally has no answer, even after 20+ years.
My favorite book is How to Talk So Kids Will Listen And Listen So Kids Will Talk. It taught me a lot of lessons that can apply to adult relationships, too. For example, there's a lovely little template for starting a conversation about solving a problem that I think would also be a good way to approach conflict with a partner.
(Make sure it's a good time to talk - that both of you are not busy and are in a good headspace for a conversation.)
I need to talk to you about...
You probably feel...
I feel...
Let's put our heads together and see if we can come up with any ideas that will make this better for both of us.
(The book goes on in detail about how to continue this conversation. Seriously, it's a good one. Highly recommend even if you don't have kids.)
I LOVE THIS! WOW! Two totally different approaches to getting a person’s needs met. I have definitely done the first one incorrectly. However, when you know better, you do better, and knowledge is tremendous power. Thank you!!!
Positive affirmation is a great way to bring up things and affirm good things in a communicative way
This refreshing, unfortunately some people "narcissists" no matter what you say or how you say it or what you do i will never work....just because 🤷♀️.
So be cautious out there.
That second response makes me feel acknowledged and actually makes me want to go out again
Exactly. Immediately be aggressive just makes many men return to cultural norms of shutting down and bunkering up.
I cannot express how appreciative I am of these videos. These little reenactments are the kinds of models of healthy communication I need. It’s one thing to understand in theory and another thing entirely to see it practiced.
We need a video on how not to take a cheater back. It’s not always worth the time and pain. And what is worse is the cheater is selfish and doesn’t want the other person to go outside the marriage while they did.
This video shows that we acknowledge the little improvement, and HOPE they keep trying. Most don’t, and you have to decide to stay and settle for less or leave. 🤷♀️
Or it’s about changing your perspective, seeing things from their side and what they take on in the relationship and care for the family while also changing your language and how you interact so your not always attacking and being negative. It’s about casting toxic behavior aside and working together, what you both need not just about what you need.
Yes, the last part should be typed first and is so accurate!! This is advocating to praise the bare minimum and will just get "her"bread crumbed in the end. I don't think men will believe this praise and respect it in most scenarios.
ALSO, do women ever thank a Boyfriend when dating like this? If not then it's not appropriate after marriage! I can't imagine thanking a boyfriend for working while I'm supporting myself and working or going to school or both. That's NUTTY, right?!
Men have probably NEVER intentionally done this and don't work hard to provide for just the family, they work that way for self or to be able to GET the girl, but they stop once she is gotten or go back to work focus because it was always about their worth and never about wife or kids. Leah and Rachel's dad knew it in Bible and tricked Jacob. Sometimes Men and women take on extra work for specific provisions like a sick kid or something, but that's rare and usually a family decision. Women are more likely to go back to work and other family step up too in those cases.
Bottom line is Men work even if no family exists simply to survive, so that's the first part that's disingenuous. Women do too before kids so we know they didn't sacrifice anything much like they pretend. Men often use work to avoid family obligations and then claim it is to provide for the family as a way of guilt tripping and gaslighting. I can prove it...
Once divorced they still work, so it proves my point. They get to give way less to the family they supposedly" loved and worked hard for" because other men make the laws and often keep for themselves and share with a totally different person, who can make his/her own money anyhow and who was never part of it and who gets attention deserved and should be reserved for that previous family and was vowed too, mainly the kids who never asked to be born and are dependents and need the attention are severely neglected. Which is unlike a grown random man or woman who has wormed their way and stolen something not theirs, says God, who let's face it was probably his side piece anyhow, and doesn't deserve any attention since the marriage dissolved due to his lack of interest and love for kids and wife to begin with. What we second time on is what we really love and or worship so that's the thing to remember when people say they work so hard for family when it's not really true. No one on death bed says wish I had spent more time at work!?
If men divorced and they all became less about work and took jobs that paid were less demanding, while still providing the exact same lifestyle to that family it was all for anyhow, right? then they would be believed and prove me.wrong but I have NEVER seen that. Truth will out! Clearly, such a man would be worthy to say he worked like that to provide, but men never do this so it shows the entire premise is 💯 Bull Crap. Never seen one work less and give more and spend more time AFTER divorce, have you ? If so then it would demonstrate they were actually doing all that for the family like they claim. They would also likely win their family back and have a better relationship so take notes men who admit they screwed up and want to fix things!!
So it's Total BS and women have instincts and intuition to tell them so they got mad and complained about it for that very reason...they are being lied to and tricked by a false idea that isn't legit so to lean into that lie with this" oh I know you work hard and then took me out so thank ya masser" attitude is grotesque, insulting and never going to solve the problem when the problem is the idea they work to show family love when that's not true in like 90 percent of cases to begin with.
We don't get married to be ignored and lied to but that's what happens the vast majority of time sadly. I've seen so much it's depressing.
@@anni5385 your comment reflects that you haven't been betrayed, stolen from, lied to and put at risk by a cheater like the person you are replying to. Anyone who has experienced it, wouldn't write what you wrote. Your comment is suited well for the general comment section but not an appropriate reply to this original comment that was based on that POV, not on just this video at face value, but the caveat that speaks to the victim spouse of an infidel. Once a cheater nearly always a cheater, like as high as 80 percent of time and practically 100 percent, IF the cheater doesn't do something like therapy, addiction counseling or spiritual conversion but shows little remorse or accountability going forward. Hence the very real bread crumbing cycle referred to and the dilemma.
Repeat Cheaters are almost always deeply narcissistic and irresponsible so we aren't talking average marriage issues like the video shows. The content creator, Jimmy, acknowledged this with a comment too and has always taken responsibility for "killing his marriage" as he has stated but making amends and doing work to revive it.
@@amandachilds5290 Your comment shows that you have not also grown. It is not always the fault of the cheater.
@@ThatGuyDoingStuffz it is always the fault of the cheater. PERIOD. They chose to break vows and are therefore Liars. Mine was grooming young women and pretending to be different people ten years younger and left me and our oldest off his fake social media accts to pull it off and was using our toddler as bait and taking her to "play dates" with strangers never thinking she might be kidnapped, which is one reason he wanted me to homeschool and us be with him 24/7 other than when he managed to do this other stuff while i was taking our eldest to PT. . That's entirely His fault. He couldn't be honest and got high off the sneaking and lying.
You can be with a total monster and still NEVER cheat, I know because the thought never crossed my mind and my guy was very toxic and strange and hid my asthma medicine because he said he'd rather me die than it impact my ability to be perfectly passive and sweet for him. He also assaulted me when I got proof that he was messing with teens and using our toddler as bait. I got STD from him even though I was virgin for him and met him in church. He knew exactly who I was and used my integrity and commitment to God and institution of marriage to keep me trapped longer than I should've been. Then he messed with wrong lady and her husband and it got dangerous for all of us. Whose fault was that? He blamed some medicine and we forgave and kept watch just in case, but it all started again 3 years later when not on any medicine and despite me checking in on him and trying all sorts of things. Finally, a counselor said, he's Dark Triad, this won't get better, you have to protect yourselves and let him go if he wants to and encourage it with NC.
ALL CHEATERS cheat at other things too. Mine cheated some handiman out of about $500 around that last time and did a lot of sneaky, questionable things. It never starts in relationship and has nothing to with sex unless they have a sexual addiction. It has to do with something wrong in them and possibly from childhood. Mine stole and set people up on childhood but said he stopped that when he became Christian. So see it's always the cheater who thinks they deserve what they want when they want it and with no consequences for it.
I have degree in psych field of family development and child life. I have worked with many who have been cheated on and abused people. I'm speaking from more than just my experience. You probably are a troll or a cheater in denial and didn't read my whole reply to Anni. You are wanting to shift blame and use DARVO, which they ALL do, predictably and sadly.
But there is always hope if you or whoever you think you are defending aren't Dark Triad so go get it and do the self work and don't accuse me of not having done it when I truly have.
Patrick Teahan is a great asset on RUclips, better than this guy for ACE's and individual work.
Be well and blessings and prayers for you and those who may read this. God is good and can use what was intended for evil and does all the time and he forgives all sin to those who change their minds and admit they need Him and are sinners so that's really the main thing that matters in the end. We all fall short BUT no person causes another to cheat and God knows about Adultery betrayal and the hearts of cheaters more than anyone, ever! Read about it when you can
OMG this is absolutely amazing. This should be taught in schools, seriously. I am convinced that this is the 1 way to ensure your relationship doesn't break down. This 1 thing could have saved me so much. Appreciation is KEY. Absolutely key. Thank you❤
This is the kind of bothsidesism I can get behind.
🤣🤣🤣bothsiderism 🤣100% agree
I love the new word!! Negotiate with Webster’s. 😂
If he WANTED TO, he would. 💯🤦♀️
Mel Robbins didn’t lie!
And then you can both be homeless. Good job.
Yep
Holy shit, the first half was almost word to word the conversation I had with my husband last night. Though it was less of a conversation and more of a fight. I've got to try being more appreciative. (On a side note: Being appreciative is a thing many people from lower social classes struggle with because those children are rarely complimented and often criticized by their families.)
You might also look into "I/me" statements instead of "you/catastrophe" statements.
And listen to what he's saying. Really listen.
Hope things are going better, and you've learned some communication tips in the month since.
I’m editing because people don’t understand it: read at the end
It’s not possible to communicate things that way because that’s not what she was implying at the beginning, you are just accepting what you’re being given and it’s not enough and you’re saying thank you for not giving me enough, it’s true you went out and you might have had a good time, but still is not enough and you have to be able to tell him clearly I am not happy with what’s happening here whether he likes it or not, there’s no need to argue, but it’s important to be very clear
You can’t reward people for doing things wrong, it doesn’t mean that you are going to roast them, but you have your expectancies and if they r not met, you can’t just say that is lovely
This is a way better way to express how I felt about this video. Normally I find these pretty good, but this one felt gross.
you are definitely the first woman haha
I think he is showing how to handle the situation so that the guy would feel compelled to doing more of that stuff. It could work, sometimes we just need to know how to talk to our audience so we can in the end get the end result. It's very similar to how to raise little children to get them to do what you want them to do.
@@moonlight0186 Exactly. By praising and encouraging him, it inspires him to do more of the good stuff- that’s the whole point of her saying that. Whereas if you criticize, many guys get defensive and purposely rebel and don’t give what you want.
I see what you’re saying, and I get the frustration. You should be able to express when your needs aren’t being met. However, I’ve had the first version of this conversation with my ex-wife unfortunately many times, and I was beyond overwhelmed with work. She absolutely didn’t feel connected with, and that was my fault for having an empty cup. Had she shown respect to me for all the work I was doing to keep everything together, I would’ve had more capacity to give. Relationships are tough, both sides matter. When one person decides to switch to gratitude for the other person (you still matter and so do your needs) most reasonable people will respond in kind.
Your skits are spot on awesome, cleaver, and hilarious!
It's better to start off a conversation with appreciation of effort and hard work rather than a criticism. This still feels like putting the load of planning to spend time together on him. Since he took her out last week, she can take him out this week. Trading off could help him relax and reduce his stress from work, and make him feel more loved and cared for too.
She: Hey let’s go out. My treat!!
Exactly! It always frustrates me to no end when I see these kind of clips. It's always the woman complaining about a men not taking her out or nothing making time. But they never think about taking the initiative themselves and taking their man out. Both partners can make plans to go out on dates, it's not only up to the men. In fact I have been the one with the most plans for dates.
That first one really stung. That shutdown repsonse resonated deeply...in my life, ive learned that the people who come after you like that often won't stop unless you submit and give them what they want that instant. No thought given to your perspective at all.
The guy in the second clip seemed like we was seen. Demanding jobs are not always fun, work-life boundaries are hard to nail.
It really helps when a person like you described yourself cares to express your perspective in a patient and calm way! It gives a signal “I hear your emotion and this is my facts” and an offer to discuss the whole thing. It would be an appropriate way of reacting without submitting anything you don’t want to or being defending-aggressive and still a step towards. It’s a wrong person who never stops and it’s also a wrong person who does easiest thing instead of being honest and caring. It’s great when one minds others perspective but also doesn’t owe anyone to play around your interests expressing them first in case of frustration, it’s just to much (sometimes!). It’s still great when one comes to us with a problem and still shows gratitude though, but in case it’s somehow impossible a bit of kind respond helps.
P.S. sorry for my English it’s still developing skill:)
@anastasias.9666 All good! And I appreciate the feedback. It's tough, trauma is a part of my shutdown cycle for sure. Submission is an old, hard-wired response to keep things from escalating. "Seeing" my abuser wouldn't have done much because that was not how she got her validation--she got it through manipulating and exhausting her target.
Nobody else is her and there is nobody like her. It's a very hard thing to unlearn.
in the second one, she doesn’t talk about how she feels they still aren’t hanging out much. that’s valid too
The thing is that in the second way, they don't get the message.
Right. They take the compliment as "Mission complete" instead of "More of this, please."
And that's where you separate the relation into "trash pile" or "worth something", which is a scary thing to do. I had to throw a relationship into the trash pile because he would indeed not get the message. He would apologise still for his part, say he is happy that I feel that way, but then do it all over again.
If the person in scenario 2 actually cares but is just sick of the fighting like in scenario 1 then there's a chance. If you show love yourself instead of only demanding it and the person still doesn't care, then you have an answer. If they do care, they will follow your love.
I like that you left it at appreciation. It shows that you are securely attached, compassionate and are creating a non-judgmental safe environment for connection and the road map to open up this conversation again without resentment. Love it.
So, to me, I would say she is manipulating. She wants more time with him. So in the second scenario, albeit not angry or attacking, she is telling him something in order to receive something. To me, that is manipulation.
If he doesn't want it, then it's manipulation. But if they both benefit, it's more like persuasion 😉
I would agree that she was not direct enough. Expecting him to read between the lines. Feels like manipulation. If there was more added to the end I would change my mind, but so far it seems like she's shelving her needs in being understanding. There is a way to have your needs met while also kindly asking for quality time.
Finally, a video that works. It is not babying/gentle parent whatever that is. It is treating the other person with respect like you would do with a friend. At some point in relationship the way people treat the other person like property or accessory is what leads to the first style of argument.
We women have problems with that sentence "you took me out" as it is used for dogs. We go out together with our partners.
Agreed, and the phrase is making some commenters think her role is totally passive, just waiting around for him to “take her out.”
This absolutely works! Lately, I've stopped complaining about the things he doesn't do and appreciating the things he does, and it has made a huge difference! Also, I'm not doing something that I don't want to do just to have time with him. We both are real and I feel the switch to a great energy.
Note: Sometimes we fall into (people) pleasing just to have "quality" time with our partners, and that's not right
The first one she showed clear communication about what was hurting her. The second one she manipulated him into treating her better by not addressing what she was concerned about and expecting a certain behaviour change. Idk about anyone else but my relationship has lasted 10 years and is still strong because we have open honest communication about what hurts us and we hear the person out when we are on the receiving end.
These blueprint video formats are so helpful to understand what healthy communication should look like 👍✨
She has nice eyes but I would suggest facial hair removal treatment .
Comunicacion, las palabras, energia, de antes y despues. Claro todo con practica. Gracias por video.
I appreciate this, but how does it guarantee that he’s going to continue staying in his masculine energy and pursuing her so that she feels safe and loved? It’s easy for women to pour in and be nurturing when we have a solid foundation of reassurance… And that’s great that she complemented him but I often fear that a guy will think this is enough that I did the bare minimum so she’s good now.
This channel is so great I’m really thankful for the advice about healthy communication
Barf. This video is nauseating and infuriating. No woman starts out this mad. This skit starts the moment the man is clued into something being wrong. What usually happens is she started out being understanding, and giving praise for breadcrumb behavior from him, hoping that would be enough to motivate him to change his behavior. But, he just takes it as praise he's due bc HE thinks he's doing great and nothing changes. When she finally gets to a point where it hurts too damn much to keep it in anymore that she expresses her hurt and frustration -- and THAT'S when the man FINALLY notices (but has no point of refrence for where this is coming from bc she's been super happy and sugary before and this seems to be coming out of left field). Sure, he feels attacked -- but he's obviously more concerned about maintaining the high ground and being right over seeing that his wife is hurting. So, he takes the "you're being unreasonable and I'm obviously the victim here," stance and proceeds to gaslight her. Nothing she said in the first part of the skit was attacking or wrong. Obviously, in her anxious state of trying to be vulnerable and express her feelings about an issue that's been bothering her for a while, she lost a step in her argument by using a hasty generalization fallacy when she used the word "never." Had she changed that word to "rarely" her point would have been completley unasailable. Her point is still valid, though. He just doesn't want to hear it.
"you never want" is textbook attacking.
She didn't say "I feel". She formatted it as you, catastrophized with "never" (though that's factually incorrect), then applied the worst motivations possible, and stated it all as fact rather than opinion or experience. You can't get more attacking than that. And that's just those 3 words. Made wise by the fact she doesn't listen to him or his concerns at all, and blaming him for withdrawing when she's not listening anyway.
If she had said "I feel like we never go out", instead of "we never go out", that gives him at LEAST the room to look and see if they do in fact go out, and hopefully helps her keep in mind the fact that feelings, while real, aren't always true. "It seems like you're always on your phone" is very different from "you're always on your phone", because the first is a perception, not a statement of fact.
If she described all of her complaints starting with self directing language, "I feel, it seems to me, I want", then she can express all the same frustrations with nearly identical language, and it's significantly less attacking because she's just sharing how she feels and sees things instead of becoming the truth arbiter of the universe.
You know I’ve never thought about wording it this way and have had this argument so many times. Thanks for sharing! I love your videos!
YESSS talk about the positive things not negative! reciprocate how the positive experiences made you feel
Wow this was a great perspective and insight into understanding what I am doing wrong. Thank you for displaying the appreciation method and helping me realize what I can do better!
I cannot express how timely this was. Thanks ❤❤
More videos like this please!!!!!! A problematic but common way to deal with a realistic common specific scenario, followed by a better way to try. Because in the moment I don’t realize what I’m doing, let alone how I could instead be following good advice to do it better on my end. And thank you!
LOVE that you showed both the bad then good ways to handle this one!!
In the second part, I'd take it a step further with voicing, "can we do that time together more often? I want to keep this closeness between us growing."
I think expressing the desire and need for more connections is also healthy and doesn't totally dismiss them like the 2nd part kind of covers up.
I love how this spotlights perspective, amazing!
This is so good.😍 A good reminder to come in to the argument from a standpoint of being on the same team and looking first on the positive your partner has done.☺️
That's really good. Thank you for showing both styles. This is helpful.
I appreciate this video. This works with lots of different types of relationships. I interact in similar ways with my students. I tell them thank you all the time, for things they should be doing. I have had other teachers tell me they don't thank students for things they should do.
I think everyone likes being seen and appreciated.
The first way she brought it up wasn't perfect but the partner immediately escalates. He should also be concerned about her feelings rather than immediately taking the defense. I understand people have trouble not doing that, but this character seems to really struggle with seeing himself as imperfect or "the bad guy." Fawning isn't the solution. It's good to be patient and thoughtful of your words with your loved ones when communicating about something that upsets you, but the latter is not the solution.
It's good to appreciate and recognize what your partner does for you, but if anything then say "i just feel like we don't spend enough time together" or something. It's weird how time spent together is framed as something that's only for her. It would be hurtful to think your partner doesn't want to spend much time with you, but especially if he's treating it like this burden.
Wonderful..
Appreciation always works for everyone
Omg! I love these videos and the various point of views that they offer.
I love that you showed the best way to communicate!!!❤❤❤
This hits hard when we consider how much time we spend on our phones losing time on relationships, but we also need that when we come home so tired from work or a big event.
I just think we need a balance between work and so that we are not neglecting one over the other, thank you so much for your videos they're alway so enlightening.
You seem like such a kind person, God bless
This is awesome advice! Thank you!!!
Thank you for this! Having a template to know how to frame these things helps so much! People always say to encourage rather than complain or nag and I’m like how do you even do that? What does that even look like? This is it, thank you.
Great video. Respectful, appreciative and communicating desire in a positive way. This should be in school textbooks 👍
Amazing how profoundly different, the way 1 subject can be presented and hence perceived.
Using "you" too much, saying "never" or "always" puts the other person into defense mode, where the entire argument will be them finding ways to disprove what you accused them of. Pillow Talks podcast with Vanessa and Xander Marin calls it "lawyer mode." It is a great podcast for learning better communication and great sex/relationship tips.
Seeing these make me cry because I’m learning and see what I could’ve done better
Hey Jimmy, Chris here from germany. I am a victim of a narcisstic mother and growed up in a household with neglection and screaming between my parents all the time. it pans out that ive becomed an empath, but also an people pleaser, because i cant (or couldnt) stand any emotional stress at all. This lead to a behaviour where i didnt set any boundaries in my relationships. finally i cut contact to my narc mother and started healing. i am in my late 30s now, but always tried to find solutions and didnt sit on any problems (due to my unability to stand emotional stress or anger in any relationship). after i started to set boundaries (cutting my mum, setting boundaries with colleagues and my girlfriend, some stressfull events happend, the last one today with my girlfriend, but what could have ended in a relationship crisis, ended in a meaningful conversation, clarity and no shaming or yelling. i made my boundaries clear, but so do i understand the reasons for some of the behaviours my girlfriend has. that doesnt make her a bad human, just a human being with traumatic experience (so am i). we try to heal and make progress, because we made nearly matching experiences with our parents. and you have a part in this process. thank you. sincere, chris
vulnerable, raw honesty with self first
then you can share that same vulnerable, raw honesty with them
so much this❤
As someone who comes across poorly…I love this. More please. 🙏🏽
How are you so relatable 😢😢😢. Thank you for this eye-opener. I will definitely show more appreciation.
I just realized this guy is an amazing actor because the previous short/reel/tiktok that I saw was TERRIBLE. Respect my dude
That’s a really helpful way to communicate, great for married couples to see this 🙌
Thank you making content about something’s other than how hard anxiously attached people have it. Nagging, passive aggression,demanding, and criticizing are just as anti relational as shutting down, defensiveness, or avoiding. Both people have to change strategies and meet in the middle.