Transcript available on Patreon www.patreon.com/posts/narcissism-113126350 and Substack darrenfmagee.substack.com/p/narcissism-predictably-unpredictable
When I choose my therapist ,I say this word to him or her👉👉 *I have my rights to stay over here unless I don't become fully healed and can lead &navigate life of my own.*
Powerful and very succinct. Knowing how the mind of a narcissist works has helped me to emotionally detach with rational and without emotion 😊. Thank you 🙏🙏🙏
It is so very well explained. Narcisists’s self worth is based on external praise and validation, they live at the mercy of other people’s fleeting opinions and judgment. And it is understandably destabilising and frustrating for the narcisist and then projected onto those around them.
Why would you use the word validating twice in the same short paragraph? There are other words like accurate, sound, legitimate, confirm, substantiate, agree, approval.
My grown granddaughter cut ties with her narcissistic mother & maternal grandmother. This duo destroyed my loving son. He died at age 37, then my husband & I had to take her mother to court in order to have visitation with our 3 year old grandchild! We won! I think our side of the family's love & encouragement through the following 22 years is what saved our granddaughter. My husband was proud to walk his granddaughter down the isle at her wedding this year. Her mother & other grandmother we not invited. In the end, our son had justice through us, and our granddaughter knew her father adored her. A narcissist will harm, injure, lie, slander, act helpless, be devious, isolate, retaliate, attack physically, dominate, belittle, gaslight, mock, and intimidate. These traits are kept well hidden until the snare is set. For the spouse or children that follow; It's a life of he'll & abuse. If you see any traits of narcissism in a romantic partner; run, change your phone number, move, hide. They will track you down & shower you with "love" but do NOT believe your eyes or ears because it is not love-----it's control.
When I was an intern for a professor (she was not my instructor) at her private practice some years ago, I never felt safe and was in constant fear of being attacked by her, to the point that I developed serious somatic symptoms, feeling as though my heart had been pinched of its blood. After that one experience, I was so guarded working with people who would give me the same feeling..walking on an egg shell.
@@jamie764 Because the site supervisor had so much power over me and I was only five weeks away from completing my first internship, I was worried about how the situation might negatively affect my graduation. To answer your question, I took several steps: 1. I contacted my school instructor and the clinical director of the program to explain my side of the story, refraining from criticizing the site supervisor. I wanted to avoid worsening the situation and focus on my next steps. My goal was to ensure my school understood what had happened and how I responded and seeking for their feedback and support regarding my options going forward. Continuing with the clinical site, I became less verbal during group and individual supervision sessions with the site clinical supervisor and other intern members (flying monkeys). I eventually withdrew my internship continuation contract and cut off all contact after my internship ended. I didn’t even fill out my end of internship evaluation about my site and the site clinical director as I don’t feel it was my place provide feedback to her but I’m sure she has many negative things to say about me from that one single incident which she already knew it won’t cause her any trouble. 2. To manage my somatic symptoms, I utilized several strategies: (a) I prayed and sought help from a higher power, (b) I applied imaginary techniques from child therapy that I learned years ago at a different school, (c) I practiced meditation and deep breathing techniques to help me sleep and recover from stress, and (d) I engaged in Jungian dream work. These strategies helped me gain insight into why I was initially attracted to that site over others. I did these technique s first in morning when I wake up and in evening before I go to bed as these are best times to get to the unconscious. 3. Fortunately, my second and third internships went smoothly, providing me with plenty of work autonomy, freedom, and creativity, along with support from various medical professionals, including social workers, psychiatrists, psychologists of different specialties, nurses, etc.... The site clinical director there even hinted that I could take over her position when she moved to a different role, but I declined because I had other priorities and felt I couldn’t handle the workload that would come with accepting the position. 4. Looking back a year after completing my internships, I believe that the first negative internship experience ultimately opened the door to better opportunities for me.
My ex told me, “I’m sure it’s hard being with me, I’ve been told I’m not very consistent. “ i knew it was wrong for someone to act that way yet seem “unable to” change it for the better … so- i left . And started dissecting his actions, his intermittent reinforcement, his dodging plans to “test me” and make me show him how disappointed i was. All sick attention-seeking behavior. Once i gave him no attention, boy did his true colors show. And the Hoover. He was classic covert. With some psychopathy. Good riddance!
You have a gentle, yet matter of fact way of talking about this stuff. I've been no contact for almost as long as we were together, and still I find new pieces to the puzzle. Aha! moments are part of most of my days. Thanks for doing your part to show this disease for what it is.
Whoever cares about the relationship the least seems to have the most power. The other person who will try so hard to please the other. It can get pretty sick and one sided... yet the other person might not even see the disparity in the relationship.
Hi Darrren This was so confusing frustrating and crazy making the double standards always moving the goal posts how can you ever win an argument with this 🙏 ?
Hi, I just want to tell you that you can't win. Honestly, I don't know why so many people think this way. You should never argue with them because then they can blame you even more because they use DARVO. Keep watching Darren's videos to learn what you need to know. There's nothing you can do personally to change a narcissist. You can pray for them.
This is so clarifying!! It has taken me years to get clear on several friendships that have been draining and damaging because of narcissism. Your videos are right on time for me. It’s so difficult with one couple,because one spouse is nice,oblivious and the enabler,the other is all that you describe and actually a bully who has ruined many events for me. I have stayed in the “friendship” thinking I could navigate the narcissist,and it is impossible!!! Now it has to be no contact. I feel bad about it for the genuinely nice one,but can no longer do it. So does one just sort of let it die on the vine? I guess so. They will both end up angry,but it has become horrible for me. I have tried and tried. Thank you for your amazing clarity!! 🙏
I recently divorced a narcissistic man. His abuse started as subtle, therefore confusing. Then he started destroying the house and finally put his hands on me. I divorced him the next day. Now that we co-parent, he's suddenly nice, kind, and attentive--what he was like while we were dating. (Shaking head) I'm not falling for that again. Constantly inconsistent.
Interesting that he’s acting that way again. Probably trying to gaslight you into questioning why the divorce was necessary at all. However you already saw his mask slip whip you were married. You saw his true nature. Stay strong! You’re free.
Yes please to a video on dealing with the ever changing narcissistic mind! This video was very helpful, would like to continue with more info on the topic
It is true. They are empty inside and are externally regulated so the narcisists live at the mercy of their ever fluctuating whims and emotions. Maddening to the max.
Dear god this is my life with my husband for 27 years...he dry begs, love bombs, belittles, and gaslights, but he is also brilliant, polite, has a disarming smile, can be cold yet kind, subtle and calculated at the same time, rarely yells, uses manipulative venom filled statements instead or twists words. but when he does yell, it's to stop you from speaking, it can get violent or move toward childlike, if he doesn't want to hear what you say he will literally stick his fingers in his ears and say lalalala at 50 years old then he will isolate you. He will also get physical with you if you push just enough. I've come to see finally his range in love bombing is limited. I call him (to myself that is) a mimic. I started thinking about all the things he does that I love, or that get me to respond the way he wants. They are actually few but repeated always. Doing so has me understanding how limited his range actually is, and I never saw it before. Of course, he also has others who really don't know me in person, especially those online calling me a narcissist because I yell. but I don't just yell at anyone..and I know I'm suffering at the very least from co-dependency and PTSD. Help would be great. I would love to hear what you have to say on this subject.
Some things are predictable:( - their lack of empathy for their scapegoat child or adult child - their lack of abilty to introspect and apologise - they never side with the scapegoat child - they always dismiss / undermine / reject the adult child’s assessmen mt of any situation - they will always side with e.g. the abusive boss / befriend the abusive husband / never condemn the abuse of the physically violent parent. Thank god these remain the same throughout their life. This provides a sense of sanity, of being able to expect the worst and not be disappointed.
When dealing with a narcissist, only engage on subjects that are absolutely necessary and do it with precision and vigilance... _never let your guard down._ The rest you can completely ignore.
They don't think that they are inconsistent. Even as they whip people around, somehow they just don't see it. One boyfriend changed his mind for dinner, from Chinese food to Mexican to Thai, ON THE WAY to the restaurant. When I said "Just PICK one," he said he was being "spontaneous," quit trying to dominate him! Lordy.
Could you do a video on covert narcissists who happen to be avoidant and how that might alter their behavior and how they may present in different phases of the relationship and discard? Thanks
Thank you for another helpful installment, Darren. I like your calm, concise, and precise delivery, not to mention your COOL ACCENT! All this from a... narcissist. Yep, you read it right. And I hope I am not trying to manipulate you. Please put together a program about chance of "de-narcissise" folk like me. Is there any hope for us? I did not choose this personality disorder. I am sick and tired of living with it. Please help. Thank you in advance.
@@DarrenFMageeWow, You are always kind, Darren. I couldn't be more impressed by your excellent character. You seem to have a pure heart. You have a very special way of guiding us back from the brink of destruction, and encouraging us. Do you do any online counseling for victims who are not able to come to your office?
Transcript available on Patreon www.patreon.com/posts/narcissism-113126350 and Substack darrenfmagee.substack.com/p/narcissism-predictably-unpredictable
When I choose my therapist ,I say this word to him or her👉👉 *I have my rights to stay over here unless I don't become fully healed and can lead &navigate life of my own.*
Powerful and very succinct. Knowing how the mind of a narcissist works has helped me to emotionally detach with rational and without emotion 😊. Thank you 🙏🙏🙏
Yes! Powerful! God bless you, Darren!
It is so very well explained. Narcisists’s self worth is based on external praise and validation, they live at the mercy of other people’s fleeting opinions and judgment. And it is understandably destabilising and frustrating for the narcisist and then projected onto those around them.
This is so validating. Thanks again Darren, for another very informative and validating video
Why would you use the word validating twice in the same short paragraph? There are other words like accurate, sound, legitimate, confirm, substantiate, agree, approval.
The inconsistency is what has been hardest on the children, and maybe what has done the most long-term damage.
ALWAYS moving the goalposts.
My grown granddaughter cut ties with her narcissistic mother & maternal grandmother. This duo destroyed my loving son. He died at age 37, then my husband & I had to take her mother to court in order to have visitation with our 3 year old grandchild! We won! I think our side of the family's love & encouragement through the following 22 years is what saved our granddaughter. My husband was proud to walk his granddaughter down the isle at her wedding this year. Her mother & other grandmother we not invited. In the end, our son had justice through us, and our granddaughter knew her father adored her. A narcissist will harm, injure, lie, slander, act helpless, be devious, isolate, retaliate, attack physically, dominate, belittle, gaslight, mock, and intimidate. These traits are kept well hidden until the snare is set. For the spouse or children that follow; It's a life of he'll & abuse. If you see any traits of narcissism in a romantic partner; run, change your phone number, move, hide. They will track you down & shower you with "love" but do NOT believe your eyes or ears because it is not love-----it's control.
This is one of the greatest videos on narcissism I’ve ever watched and I’ve watched hundreds. This describes my abuser to a T.
At the mercy of their own whims
I identify - whimsical, capricious, shifts with the waves, consistently inconsistent.
True right down to the guitar! As the sheriff kicked him to the curb, the guitar went in the goodwill bin
When I was an intern for a professor (she was not my instructor) at her private practice some years ago, I never felt safe and was in constant fear of being attacked by her, to the point that I developed serious somatic symptoms, feeling as though my heart had been pinched of its blood. After that one experience, I was so guarded working with people who would give me the same feeling..walking on an egg shell.
How did you get past the somatic symptoms?
@@jamie764 Because the site supervisor had so much power over me and I was only five weeks away from completing my first internship, I was worried about how the situation might negatively affect my graduation. To answer your question, I took several steps:
1. I contacted my school instructor and the clinical director of the program to explain my side of the story, refraining from criticizing the site supervisor. I wanted to avoid worsening the situation and focus on my next steps. My goal was to ensure my school understood what had happened and how I responded and seeking for their feedback and support regarding my options going forward. Continuing with the clinical site, I became less verbal during group and individual supervision sessions with the site clinical supervisor and other intern members (flying monkeys). I eventually withdrew my internship continuation contract and cut off all contact after my internship ended. I didn’t even fill out my end of internship evaluation about my site and the site clinical director as I don’t feel it was my place provide feedback to her but I’m sure she has many negative things to say about me from that one single incident which she already knew it won’t cause her any trouble.
2. To manage my somatic symptoms, I utilized several strategies: (a) I prayed and sought help from a higher power, (b) I applied imaginary techniques from child therapy that I learned years ago at a different school, (c) I practiced meditation and deep breathing techniques to help me sleep and recover from stress, and (d) I engaged in Jungian dream work. These strategies helped me gain insight into why I was initially attracted to that site over others. I did these technique s first in morning when I wake up and in evening before I go to bed as these are best times to get to the unconscious.
3. Fortunately, my second and third internships went smoothly, providing me with plenty of work autonomy, freedom, and creativity, along with support from various medical professionals, including social workers, psychiatrists, psychologists of different specialties, nurses, etc.... The site clinical director there even hinted that I could take over her position when she moved to a different role, but I declined because I had other priorities and felt I couldn’t handle the workload that would come with accepting the position.
4. Looking back a year after completing my internships, I believe that the first negative internship experience ultimately opened the door to better opportunities for me.
My ex told me, “I’m sure it’s hard being with me, I’ve been told I’m not very consistent. “ i knew it was wrong for someone to act that way yet seem “unable to” change it for the better … so- i left . And started dissecting his actions, his intermittent reinforcement, his dodging plans to “test me” and make me show him how disappointed i was. All sick attention-seeking behavior. Once i gave him no attention, boy did his true colors show. And the Hoover. He was classic covert. With some psychopathy. Good riddance!
Thanks Darren ❤ could you do a video on narcissist and addiction?
Thank you!! You are a God sent!! This was wonderfully helpful. 🙏🇺🇲
Good Afternoon Darren..☘️
You have a gentle, yet matter of fact way of talking about this stuff. I've been no contact for almost as long as we were together, and still I find new pieces to the puzzle. Aha! moments are part of most of my days. Thanks for doing your part to show this disease for what it is.
Whoever cares about the relationship the least seems to have the most power. The other person who will try so hard to please the other. It can get pretty sick and one sided... yet the other person might not even see the disparity in the relationship.
Hi Darrren
This was so confusing frustrating and crazy making
the double standards always moving the goal posts how can you ever win an argument with this 🙏 ?
Hi, I just want to tell you that you can't win. Honestly, I don't know why so many people think this way. You should never argue with them because then they can blame you even more because they use DARVO. Keep watching Darren's videos to learn what you need to know. There's nothing you can do personally to change a narcissist. You can pray for them.
This is so clarifying!! It has taken me years to get clear on several friendships that have been draining and damaging because of narcissism. Your videos are right on time for me. It’s so difficult with one couple,because one spouse is nice,oblivious and the enabler,the other is all that you describe and actually a bully who has ruined many events for me. I have stayed in the “friendship” thinking I could navigate the narcissist,and it is impossible!!! Now it has to be no contact. I feel bad about it for the genuinely nice one,but can no longer do it. So does one just sort of let it die on the vine? I guess so. They will both end up angry,but it has become horrible for me. I have tried and tried. Thank you for your amazing clarity!! 🙏
Yes !! Hounded me to get into sports for months until I finally did then the topic bored them
Very well explained and relatable WELL DONE!!
I recently divorced a narcissistic man. His abuse started as subtle, therefore confusing. Then he started destroying the house and finally put his hands on me. I divorced him the next day. Now that we co-parent, he's suddenly nice, kind, and attentive--what he was like while we were dating. (Shaking head) I'm not falling for that again. Constantly inconsistent.
Interesting that he’s acting that way again. Probably trying to gaslight you into questioning why the divorce was necessary at all. However you already saw his mask slip whip you were married. You saw his true nature. Stay strong! You’re free.
Try working Long Term professional projects with these people... Its just one chronic headeache. You cannot win
Yes please to a video on dealing with the ever changing narcissistic mind! This video was very helpful, would like to continue with more info on the topic
It is true. They are empty inside and are externally regulated so the narcisists live at the mercy of their ever fluctuating whims and emotions. Maddening to the max.
Dear god this is my life with my husband for 27 years...he dry begs, love bombs, belittles, and gaslights, but he is also brilliant, polite, has a disarming smile, can be cold yet kind, subtle and calculated at the same time, rarely yells, uses manipulative venom filled statements instead or twists words. but when he does yell, it's to stop you from speaking, it can get violent or move toward childlike, if he doesn't want to hear what you say he will literally stick his fingers in his ears and say lalalala at 50 years old then he will isolate you. He will also get physical with you if you push just enough. I've come to see finally his range in love bombing is limited. I call him (to myself that is) a mimic. I started thinking about all the things he does that I love, or that get me to respond the way he wants. They are actually few but repeated always. Doing so has me understanding how limited his range actually is, and I never saw it before. Of course, he also has others who really don't know me in person, especially those online calling me a narcissist because I yell. but I don't just yell at anyone..and I know I'm suffering at the very least from co-dependency and PTSD. Help would be great. I would love to hear what you have to say on this subject.
As my Ma used to say 'Y'couldn't like them if you reared them'................Walk away!
Some things are predictable:(
- their lack of empathy for their scapegoat child or adult child
- their lack of abilty to introspect and apologise
- they never side with the scapegoat child - they always dismiss / undermine / reject the adult child’s assessmen mt of any situation
- they will always side with e.g. the abusive boss / befriend the abusive husband / never condemn the abuse of the physically violent parent.
Thank god these remain the same throughout their life. This provides a sense of sanity, of being able to expect the worst and not be disappointed.
When dealing with a narcissist, only engage on subjects that are absolutely necessary and do it with precision and vigilance... _never let your guard down._
The rest you can completely ignore.
"Choose your battles wisely" because each battle will be unrelentingly exhausting.
Collude with their delusions. Exactly 💯
Very informative..
They don't think that they are inconsistent. Even as they whip people around, somehow they just don't see it. One boyfriend changed his mind for dinner, from Chinese food to Mexican to Thai, ON THE WAY to the restaurant. When I said "Just PICK one," he said he was being "spontaneous," quit trying to dominate him! Lordy.
Could you do a video on covert narcissists who happen to be avoidant and how that might alter their behavior and how they may present in different phases of the relationship and discard? Thanks
Thank you for another helpful installment, Darren. I like your calm, concise, and precise delivery, not to mention your COOL ACCENT! All this from a... narcissist. Yep, you read it right. And I hope I am not trying to manipulate you. Please put together a program about chance of "de-narcissise" folk like me. Is there any hope for us? I did not choose this personality disorder. I am sick and tired of living with it. Please help. Thank you in advance.
Hi there I made a video on trying to change narcissistic behaviours if you'd find that helpful?
@@DarrenFMageeWow, You are always kind, Darren. I couldn't be more impressed by your excellent character. You seem to have a pure heart. You have a very special way of guiding us back from the brink of destruction, and encouraging us. Do you do any online counseling for victims who are not able to come to your office?
@yvetteandjorgenlarsen9753 unfortunately my availability is limited, and I can only see clients who are UK or Ireland based
Like walking on a knife edge 🙄
My mother would have negative thoughts about people, when they are back in her good books she says I had her negative thoughts
To nije slabost.
To je naša snaga.
I zato čemo ipak na kraju preuzeti svijet od vas.
Yes, please
Satanic!
I’m embarrassed that I dry begged yesterday. 😂 Oh well.
DFM 👍
📠
Still sounds like the left.