I once heard someone call it "time optimism".... and every since then, my whole life made sense. I am late to the place I'm going next, because I'm focused on where I am right now. I optimistically think I have more time than I do to finish what I'm currently working on or to finish a current conversation with someone ... and then, low and behold, every time, I have less time than I optimistically thought I did and I end up being late. I've had to force my time optimist self to see the amount of time things take in a pessimistic/realistic light rather than think I can magically continue in the present moment without any consequences in the future.
I have a very optimistic friend. He’s a really smart man but when he makes plans it takes me about 1.3 seconds to see that the time schedule is hopeless from the beginning. He’s a true optimist.
I call it Magical Thinking... you seriously believe you're going to get somewhere in 15 minutes that you know damn well is going to take 45 minutes, LOL.
It's called time blindness. It's a symptom of ADHD, as are many of the other traits mentioned. People with this adrenaline levels that are usually lower than average, imparing executive function which regulates awareness of the passage of time. The reason we can be on time sometimes is because an external factor has caused elevated adrenaline. However, this means we can end up living in a pretty much constant state of fight or flight. Exhausting.
I can't like this comment more. Being unable to achieve time awareness without the focus provided by adrenaline Is a thing. No one can live with adrenaline surging all the time: it leads to burnout and actual physical changes and chronic illness. Wish the world were more accommodating to more than one type of person/brain
Makes sense my friend was always late and she’s definitely lower than average . She’s late bcuz she’s too busy picking an outfit and putting on make up on a simple hangout
My boyfriend has ADHD along with time blindness as you mentioned and it's really a struggle 😞 he already has problems keeping jobs and friends for a long time.
For years I was always late. I always underestimated how long it would take to do something. So, if I had five minutes 'to spare' I'd try to get x,y or z done. And then, of course, I'd still need to find car keys, specs etc in those five minutes.
Oh god yeah. "Hm, I might as well rinse this cup since I'll be too early if I leave now anyway." And then I end up doing all my dishes, and then right when I have to leave I still have to get my shoes on, keys, check the weather to know what coat I'm wearing. Double check whether I have everything. Leave the house. Check again whether I have everything, and all of a sudden I'm already running 5 minutes late.
This is actually a common trait of ADHD that is becoming more well known lately, it's often called "time blindness." Our brains literally do not perceive the passage of time the same way that neurotypical brains do. I have ADHD and I'm late to EVERYTHING. It doesn't matter whether it's something I want to go to, something I'm excited about, or something I dread. Work, doctor's appointments, outings with friends, even when I set a time deadline to go to the grocery store on my day off, I'm always late. I've tried getting up earlier, setting alarms, laying everything out so I don't have to look for stuff, etc. Somehow I just don't realize how much time is passing and it always feels like time is passing much more slowly than it actually is. It has had significant negative effects on my life and I'm making a genuine effort to change it but everything I try fails. It really sucks to know that everyone else sees you as rude and uncaring when you quite literally hate yourself for it, hate doing it, try not to but somehow it just doesn't change.
oh I feel just the same! and it’s exhausting. Doesn’t even matter how much earlier I start to prepare for the task and honestly the earlier I start the worse things turn out because then I think I have plenty of time and start multitasking. I think it’s because I just hate sitting and doing nothing so at school for example, if I decide to go to cafeteria it’s never just going there and grab what I need. It’s always talking to multiple people, petting a cat on the way or checking the boards to see if anything new coming up. I think everything is possible if the deadline isn’t near yet, and when it’s near I can finally start focusing on one thing.. that one thing has to be perfect too but that’s another problem to solve :’)
I have adhd, but I didn't know I had it for a long time, and I was late for school a lot since I had to commute. I got detention for being late, and detention is at 6:30 and my commute was about 30 min. Long story short, I was late to detention no matter how hard I tried and was consequently in detention every day.
For me the biggest fun is when my ADHD is battling with my anxiety. If my ADHD is winning I'm running late, if my anxiety is driving that day, I'm an hour early. I don't have anything in between.
I discovered that the times I was late was when I was going to places I did not really want to go. It was a subconscience thing on my part and my being late made things worse, I ended up late and stressed as well as feeling guilty. Since then I have discovered I also suffer from social anxiety disorder. It is important for me to have boundries, to know I can say no.
I disagree that the reason I'm on time for planes but late for my friends is because of consequences. I'm frequently late for friends and exercise classes - and there ARE consequences. I feel AWFUL, I feel really bad for my friend, and it ruins the first half of out time together, because I feel so bad - I can't relax/enjoy myself/listen to what they're saying. Same for exercise classes - sometimes I'm so late, the teacher doesn't let me join in, or if I do it's never as good because I've missed the warm up and I'm on the back foot. I think the difference is not consequences, but frequency. I catch a plane less than once a year. It's a big deal. I can be on time, but it takes an awful lot of planning ahead, and usefully takes hours of my time to get there on time. That's fine for a special/rare occasion. But I don't have the energy, or capacity to manage that level of planning for daily/ weekly occurences. I'm continuing to try new strategies for my time keeping - as it's something I do want to get better at - but for some people it guenuinly is difficult.
This is a really important point to make and I relate to it completely. Sometimes in personal relationships the stress of running late is so overwhelming and guilt filled that it can cloud my brain and make me even later. Dealing with something like that on a daily basis can be exhausting.
It's amazing to me that no one specifically mentioned anxiety as a reason for being chronically late. I can want to do something, even set it up. An as the time draws closer find myself extremely late; to work, social events, and even with turning in assignments. At one point I was constantly late for church and I realized that I was trying to miss the beginning where everyone had time to talk and socialize with one another. I've also been late picking my kids up from school when it's less than a mile away. I realize in part I'm not time conscious enough and the other part is I'm anxious to be seen and engage. Even though I'm constantly trying to break out of my comfort zone and live a more enjoyable life. Lately, I've been looking at the fact that I need to give myself an extra 30 minutes to an hour to get places so I have a moment to de-stress. Yet, as of today, it's still a struggle.
I feel this way about my anxiety causing tardiness. I have changed to working from home recently. Before, I was slightly late to work every day. Now that I don’t have to spend all of my energy dreading going the office I get up later, have time to eat breakfast, and do some cleaning around the house in the morning. I still get dressed for the day. The only real time difference is a 15-17 minute drive to work. I can spend my energy accomplishing things instead of on my anxiety.
@@GeriBee, you're welcome! I'm glad I could help in some small way. It's taken me a long time to figure out what's going on with me because no one readily talked about these things until recently so it's been a LOT of trial and error.
@@annapierce2604, I'm glad you found that working from home is better for you. I'm an ambivert so I need a certain amount of social interaction. Plus, I was a care giver and stay at home mom for many years so I've been in the house and kind of isolated most of my life. Even though it's hard for me I still find trying to get out of my comfort zone a worthwhile endeavor.
I’d love to hear more about “time blindness”. I have friends who can guess how much time has passed to the minute, but I can’t tell whether 5 or 25 minutes have passed. I’ve read that people with dyspraxia often have trouble with planning and time management which is interesting.
Here's a question for us. If you are fully living in the moment, really attending to whomever you're with, are you paying attention to the time? Contrariwise, if you are paying close attention to the time, how relaxed and "in the moment" are you?
Funny enuff Im real good @guessing time passed/memory but gotta set 8 alarms w/ 2 wake up calls minimum & 1 every 15mins r I hit snooze until I leave as ADHD/anxiety=Imma get caught up n thoughts by anything n life: combing hair, pets, work uniform, an old memory R n my car!
It's also cultural. If you're in Greece, you are almost expected to be late for social gatherings. If you are invited to someone's house, you must never be on time. You must always be 10-15 minutes late, because it is assumed that they won't be completely ready
It probably depends on the event as well. In the UK you would never show up to a house party at the given time, because nobody else would be there. But if it's a board game night or coffee morning etc then you ought to be
@@oliversissonphone6143 I think that’s because the context of these situations assumes being late is a negative. Obviously If you’re social circle includes everybody showing up life this doesn’t apply.
@@deriobamba Well, it is negative. I once met up with a group of Spanish people. It was a large group but we were standing on the street until everyone finally arrived, 40 minutes later than arranged. And no one suggested we go take a seat in the restaurant so the really late ones could find us there! It was soooooo fucked up!! PS I am Greek
I used to be always late for everything but when I joined a dance academy, I was so excited for every class that I reached the studio half n hour early to warm up and leave half n hour later because I wanted to dance more. My passion for dance helped me become punctual. Always follow your dreams. ✌️💃
I simply have ADHD. We are time blind as a result of our brains being wired differently. That hyperfocus is part of our makeup. Our attention is either not present or TOO present. We thrive in highly structured environments, but we find it almost impossible to create those schedules or stick to them. ADHD motivation paralysis is an issue too. So, this isn't really a personality thing, but a brain "wiring" issue.
Your brain is a huge part of who and how you are so I'd say its wiring creates your personality. I don't understand the distinction between this is my personality and this is bc I'm wired differently. If you have ADHD then whatever comes with that is you bc it's how your brain is wired and not a disease that befalls you as you age or grows like tumor and can be removed. Of course you can influence brain chemistry but that's true for any human brain. ADHD is inseparable from who you are as a human, as a person precisely bc it's a wiring/structural thing and not one that's a disease that definitely makes you work less well as a human but in western capitalist society with strict routines etc it often does. It doesn't necessarily lend itself to that.
@@molchmolchmolchmolch I agree to some extent. Both personality and being “wired differently” / ADHD can be seen as similarly tied to the person. It may be changeable by a bit, but most people would probably say that you cannot change your personality all that much, and the same is true for your “wiring” or having (/ being) ADHD. On the other hand, people also believe that it is possible to change someone. And people with certain personalities or traits tend to hear: “if you only tried harder” or “why can’t you change?” or “Why can’t you do this? Because I (or he or she) can, and so should you!”. This shows that “personality” is not always seen as fixed, but rather as a personal decision, or as something that can be overcome with effort. And this appears to be true to some extent as well, because, for example, as stated in the video, conscientiousness can be learned, to some extent at least. And these different views of personality are there because it is really difficult to understand exactly why some things are easier for some people, and harder for others. And exactly why this is, and how changeable it is. Ultimately, we have to take our own internal experience as a measure for how we think other people experience life. And we can observe others and draw conclusions. I believe describing yourself as “being wired” a certain way or as “having ADHD” makes it clear that the personal experience, and how that person’s brain works is really somewhat different from the way how some non-ADHD person’s brain works, and how that influences personal experience. It makes clear that some things can take a whole different level and quality of effort for some people, and not because of a decision that these people make. I believe this becomes even clearer when we look at other things that most people now understand to be caused by brain differences: for example, having OCD or schizophrenia. Or being gay. Centuries ago, schizophrenia was seen as being “possessed”. And attempts were made to “drive the possessive spirit out” of that person. That reveals that this was not seen as a personality trait, or even as a decision by that person, but as a changeable affliction. But as neurologists can now identify brain differences for schizophrenia, it becomes clear that it is a trait of the brain and the person, rather than a curable affliction. Still, we wouldn’t want to describe it as a “personality”, because we believe that schizophrenia is a non-curable, but somewhat treatable affliction. We believe the “personality” of a schizophrenic person can be hidden by this affliction. And for being gay or bisexual, I believe most people remember how the perception changed from it being a personal decision that can and should be sanctioned, even by law, to it being a brain difference, and something that cannot be changed by that person. It can be discussed how much society has changed since then, but in general I believe it is fair to say that being gay/bisexual has been integrated into modern life as just another part of a person. On the other hand, there really seem to be some personality traits that may be changeable or learnable. An example may be: as a male, do you stand while peeing or do you sit down on the toilet? - Although, some people would probably prefer not to include those in a definition of “personality”, and only include the traits that cannot be changed. I believe that this is a too narrow definition of personality though. And it requires us to know exactly which traits are changeable and which are not. And because this may change, as we learn more about ourselves and our brains, I do not think that we can make that decision in all cases, or even in most cases. And that is why I believe “personality” has to include both “wired” traits and learned traits. So, long story short: “personality” describes a wide variety of traits. Some may be more changeable than others. And some traits are perceived by others as more changeable than others. But saying “being wired” for something in a certain way or “having/being ADHD” tells us more about how changeable a trait is, and thereby how fixed it is to the personality of that person. And that is why I believe these two concepts are meaningfully different.
@@molchmolchmolchmolch Seriously? You think PTSD can't take a fully mature 40+ years old), adult brain and turn someone into a human being that even they no recognize as themselves??? I've got news for you, it not only CAN happen (something that befalls you as an adult 40, 50, 60 years old), it DOES happen, and it happens to anyone that develops PTSD as a fully mature adult whose brain functioned quite normally prior to developing PTSD.
For people saying it's ADHD, how does it help to label oneself an insulting word like lazy, crazy, stupid, sick with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder which repeated enough times in your mind or by people can destroy their minds, identity, personality, personal brand and their lives whereas they can learn to be organized and conscientious in non insulting ways with non insulting words that are not insulting labels invented by negative con people who pretend to be helpful psychologists when they are in fact unhelpful toxic negative cons who shame people and tell them they are lazy, crazy, stupid, mentally disabled, driven to insanity, angry, hopeless, lost causes, that their brains work against them and they keep repeating those insults and scary accusations until they become à horrific all hardship reality
Sounds like time blindness in ADHD. Not "personality traits", but neurodiversity. Our brains are wired differently. So it's about learning coping strategies to navigate neurotypical society. Some apps and tricks work better with one person than they will with another. I have to use a few different tricks to be timely for tasks, appointments, etc. But it doesn't change how my brain perceives time, just how my timing appears to others.
@@jenthulhu I know. "Personality flaw." As if I can change an integral part of my identity. I can try to find ways to cope with chronic lateness, but I can't change who I am.
This is spot on, I'm messy and disorganized because I can never finish something before starting another. The reason why I'm always late to meet friends is because I always bet myself I can fit all these tasks within this time, but I go over. It is a strong betting feeling. When it comes to hard deadlines, such as for school papers, I can lose sleep, suffer through, and pump out those papers intensely. Getting ready for friends is not a challenging intense work mode so I simply bet myself I can have enough time for all these getting ready tasks. I just end up apologizing all the time and feeling crappy, but friends simply expect me to be late now.
I wish there was a “couldn’t agree more” button! because I have this huge confidence -that I have no idea where it came from- I always think I’m a superhuman or something, I deliberately make things harder so that I can enjoy doing them better and that way I can focus on them properly
If you're not already diagnosed with ADHD, please consider reading up about it. I got diagnosed half way through my degree and it's legitimately changed my life. Everything you've said is intensely relatable! The thing with getting diagnosed is that it's like a confirmation of everything you already know about yourself. It didn't feel like learning anything new. But suddenly everything made sense, and it became easier to let go of the endless cloud of guilt and self-hatred. Plus, meds and therapy and support plans do make some difference. The biggest difference with meds for me is that they've fixed my sleep (I no longer have chronic insomnia, and I no longer find it hard to get out of bed in the morning, which is insane) and also helped me get less triggered and overwhelmed by emotions or sensory overload. At the same time, I STILL ended up doing an all nighter on Thursday to get my dissertation done. Only had ten months to work on this thing but no, I had to bang out the last twenty pages at the last minute and submit the thing with four minutes to go and no time to proofread. I'm trying not to hate myself for that one, lol. The 'betting' thing is spot on. I saw someone in the comments describe it as time optimism, and it's so true. I think it's because there are times when I legitimately can get insane amounts of things done in record speed, but only when the adrenaline works and the stars align. But because I did that once, I expect that I'll be able to do it all the time, and I can't. The worst is when you do amazing things in those periods of hyperfocus and then other people expect that you'll be able to churn that stuff out regularly. No, that's not how it works. I don't do things regularly. I do them in bursts of insane energy and creativity or I simply do not do them at all.
I'm a timebender, BUT I look at punctuality as a kind of personal responsibility. It is an important component of my life's philosophy. There are many reasons to be late, early, and on time.
Same here. I am scatterbrained as hell and lose track of time, but I learned this at a young age so I use a to-do list app religiously and check my alarms continuously. I show up least fifteen minutes early. I schedule pretty much everything so I don't procrastinate, ESPECIALLY when others are relying on me. If something does come up, I communicate the issue/delay immediately.
@@comfortable_east Reasons for being late (for me). 1. Underestimating how long things will take. 2.Trying to get one (or more) extra last thing done before leaving. 3. Getting so engrossed in something that I loose track of time. 4. My phone alarm doesn't ring. I have many set for the whole day. 5. I have difficulty stopping one activity to go to the next. I want to finish one before going to another. 6. Realizing I have forgotten to eat and then needing to eat something so I will have energy for the day before leaving. 7. Getting distracted when I am trying to leave the house. 8. Etc.. Etc.. Etc.. PS. I have executive functioning problems which means my brain is not working optimally.
Yes, I feel like a lot of this video is BS to make inconsiderate people feel like they're not really. I struggled with being on time for years and years, until I just made a commitment to be on time for things. It's not that hard, otherwise airplanes would never be full. It's a matter of self-discipline.
@@comfortable_east Two reasons I can think of. One: it is a party where being early is considered uncool (like the term "fashionably late"). Two: You have a disorder like ADHD where your brain hates to wait (having a cellphone to look at helps a lot with this problem). Oh, and some people say they are late to things they don't want to do, like work. Personally, I have been late to everything, even things I enjoy so I think it could be a factor but it is not the main reason for me. In my case I have issues with my brain malfunctioning. It doesn't only malfunction when I don't want to do something. I have actually missed events I really wanted to go to because I couldn't get things together in time.
Another suggestion I have for people to consider is TRAUMA. There are a lot of people suggesting chronically late people may have ADHD (a kinder suggestion than simply implying they do not care about other people, rather they are neurodivergent) and another thing to consider being the deeper reason behind your lateness might be trauma. Depression, PTSD or any other extreme mental duress where you may zone out, have flashbacks or even disassociate here and there from your everyday life as a result of unhealed and uncared for traumas. Be kind to yourself and don't instantly throw yourself under the bus for not functioning like a bullet-proof robot. Usually if something like chronic lateness is impacting your work, friendships and life it's not a mere result of not caring or being lazy. Please consider if you have something deeper going on.
Thisssss. I have ADHD that was exacerbated by compounding trauma. Lateness and executive dysfunction were the two things that I REALLY started struggling with. People really underestimate the trauma aspect, thanks for calling it out!
@@RockieC1 It is. Society is often punitive to those in need and people not colouring exactly in the lines. It's like judging a fish for the ability to climb a tree, and a monkey on it's swimming ability! We all work differently and sadly if you don't fit the cookie-cutter you get scorned and left behind. But that doesn't mean you don't have something very valuable to add to society or the people around you. They just need the eyes to see.
I really appreciate you pointing out that untreated trauma can be a chronic condition that is absolutely brain-altering! such an affirming and empathetic point - that I’m going to try to remember next time I’m annoyed with a friend for being late.
@@lyrielswaine7466 Thanks! I agree. It has been said many times that Timebenders exhibit some of the symptoms of ADHD. However, there are many other symptoms of ADHD which do not correlate with Timebending - see these "Symptoms of Adult ADHD" listed in this extract from the NHS website:- Some specialists have suggested the following as a list of symptoms associated with ADHD in adults: • carelessness and lack of attention to detail • continually starting new tasks before finishing old ones • poor organisational skills • inability to focus or prioritise • continually losing or misplacing things • forgetfulness • restlessness and edginess
@@gracepacie4940 I'm sorry? 0:55 you begin listing traits of supposed "timebenders" - your own words in the video completely contradict your comment here. Your description of a "Timebender" is literally a description of an adult with ADHD.
Long ago, the four nations lived together in harmony. Then, everything changed when the Fire Nation attacked. Only the Timebender, master of time, could stop them, but when the world needed him most, he was late.
I'm an extremely conscientious "time bender" I do care and I can't just be punctual or late depending on how much I "care" about something as this video suggests. Often being late for appointments that benefit me have huge consequences. For me it's a combination of health issues, time moving too fast and really struggling with constraints. I'm neat and organized in most other ways. Funnily enough my partner who has ADHD is the time keeper and he is good at being punctual. He's quite disorganized in every other way. It's just how people's brain's work and it has nothing to do with them being selfish or not conscientious. Maybe some people are late because they are selfish, but I've always found it a huge life challenge. I'm very good at focus and do get engrossed in things. I'm better at endurance projects and long-term achievement rather than daily mediocre achievements.
Totally understand what you’re saying. But….🙂 I’m going to preface this by saying I’m quite lenient when it comes to people being late. But the problem is that, for example, friends who are habitually late to social events are not keeping in mind that their lateness causes a a great deal of grief to those who expect them to be at least somewhat on time. Hence, giving the impression they simply do not care enough, and it’s difficult for me to see it in any other light other than pure selfishness. I put up with a friend for 30 years who repeatedly was late to everything. The time she kept me waiting in a parking lot for 3 hours for a day trip we were making was infuriating, but I kept my cool outwardly, inward I was fuming because it shortened the fun we were supposed to be having by 3 whole hours.
@@rocksinmyhead I think most people who are chronically late are aware of how it negatively affects others, believe me we are constantly told this, and beat themselves up about it which leads to low self-esteem and depression. But no amount of "caring more" is going to fix this because it's most likely undiagnosed ADHD, not personality traits that can be changed like this videos suggests
@@rocksinmyhead You're using a pretty extreme and specific example (3 hours late) to undermine a message of compassion. It's also a poor example because it's not delineated from several communication issues and other selfishness mixed in the event that are separate to the topic of lateness. I've stopped being friends with a couple of people who were regularly 4hrs late to visiting or even showed up randomly the next day! There is a time where that's a level of mental health that is an emergency and you can't be expected to endure extreme "lateness" that is beyond late but like the other person is in another universe. They need help. That is more likely a crisis, drug use, or something severe when we are dealing with HOURS. Plus it sounds like they communicated very poorly if you were waiting in a carpark. If I was personally running so late the person would know about it and have the opportunity to go somewhere else to eat/rest etc. Nothing worse than having someone late BUT TELL YOU NOTHING SO YOU SIT THERE UNCOMFORTABLE FEELING LIKE A FOOL. That is selfish and just unfair to you. I wouldn't put up with that. But that's the thing. You have been hurt over this event with a friend, and you saw my comment as an opportunity to vent about that. BUT 😃 as you say - it's a bit of a red herring to the conversation. Derailing it into extreme territory. In my case most of my lateness is generally 10mins. A few times 30-40 max on rare times (mortifying!) and beyond that I would just cancel myself out of the situation even if they said they could wait. I don't expect or demand them to. Communication and respect is constantly happening. That's the key difference. My reasons are chronic health issues. I've been on time and then have to throw up, clean my teeth and then try again to get out. Many things like that. Other reasons is feeling unwell and being unwell for so long is painful. It's traumatic being very sick. So that makes the issue worse. My partner since 2012 he helps me, is patient, and drives slowly + carefully to avoid nausea. But often we have to stop, or I have a flashback that holds up time and makes us late. The example you used is a bad one because it's not delineated
@@stariadreamtea I did use a single example and stated that it was just an example, but it’s not the worst, and that person has not been the only person to do this to me and others around me as well. To not be notified especially after an hour, two hours, three hours, and not have calls answered is certainly extreme, but apparently not uncommon because I’ve had this happen around me a lot. Also, I did say I was quite lenient. I’m letting people know precisely how it looks and feels to others, maybe it can help them to at least pick up the phone to say, hey I’m ok, but am going to be late.
I need to look into her research... because there could be serious confounding variables (aka a diagnosis of ADHD). Timeblindess & hyperfocus are common traits.
I had no idea this was tied to ADD. I've always felt ashamed for being so undisciplined. People in the past despised me for being late bc they thought I was being disrespectful to them. Ugh.
@@lparkes5 yeah, it did seem to make a conclusion about one’s behaviors without considering the root cause of the behaviors. Just categorizing being late or disorganized as being unconscientious doesn’t address how people can fix it for themselves.
The personality traits of a so called time benders is really undiagnosed adult ADHD. A common aspect of adult ADHD is a condition known as ‘time blindness’, wherein these individuals do not experience the passage of time as would a neurotypical person experience it. The reason people with time blindness can be on time for certain things and not others is directly related to the degree to which the upcoming event is connected to their survival. The really important stuff is adhered to, while the superfluous, or that which is perceived as superfluous, tends to become invisible to the mind that it is trapped in a kind of survival mode.
*Very much true! I have actually been diagnosed with ADD & I consider myself what this video calls a time-bender. Sometimes I can't make it on time even when it is very important to me, though. Which is why I watched this video, to try and help myself.*
There’s some really interesting stuff here for sure, but I really wish they talked more about how this can also intersect with ADHD, Autism, and time-blindness. I’m Autistic and ADHD and I’ve spent my whole life being ruthlessly punished for my lateness by people who were convinced that I could do it if I just tried harder. It is true that with intense concerted effort I can take measures to occasionally be on time or less late to something extremely important, usually with a lot of outside help, but I cannot sustain that for very long because it is extremely draining in the same way that many neurotypical people can say run a marathon with a lot of extra effort, but doing it every day would be insane for anyone except *maybe* an Olympic-level athlete. With hard work I have made some improvements, but for me it’s debilitating and it has cost me schooling, jobs, even relationships. I’m not doing this because I don’t feel like trying. I try extremely hard and my results look like what would happen if someone else wasn’t trying at all. The idea that it can be fixed by just trying harder may be helpful and inspiring for neurotypicals, but it doesn’t match my reality, and saying that without explaining that that’s not true for everyone feels like an invitation for people like me to continue to be treated like we’re doing this on purpose and punished and shunned.
Omg… I feel so seen. You wrote out my entire life. It is such a relief to feel validated and know that I’m not the only one. All my life every single activity made me feel absolutely horrible because I would try my best and then be late and have to profusely apologize and put myself down. I’m 23. Do people think you can go that long missing things you really care about because you are constantly late because you aren’t trying hard enough? I wish I could prove to everyone how much I really care about them and how hard I’m trying… I know that I’m living a much more stressful and straining life and trying harder than most people and yet people think I am not trying at all. It makes me feel so defeated and hopeless.
To me, it feels like this invisible force keeping me from being on time. Even though I wake up 3 hrs earlier and leave early. Could be roadwork, car accident, mostly scrolling on my phone, doing chores, etc. I even have awareness of how much time passed. So far, I hate it & have been working on it.
I have recently realized that I like “outside pressure/routines”. What that means is I do better with my days if my kids need to be to school or I have a meeting every week at the same time. When I don’t have others expecting me I can’t schedule myself well and waste time like crazy. I don’t like being late and it has been harder with each added child I have. I have 4. Alarms in my phone help me not miss school pick up and dance classes. But if it isn’t a consistent thing each week then it is harder. I also figured started the deadline thing but still struggle to keep dead lines I set for myself.
I once had a dear friend who was chronically and markedly late for everything. It was a running joke amongst their friends. If we wanted them there at 2 pm, we'd say come at 1:30... or even 1. This person was otherwise a fantastic friend and lateness was their only problematic trait. What I figured out to avoid trouble was to not ever put myself in a position where their lateness would negatively affect me. So I didn't allow myself to run late or miss anything because of their tardiness. I never sat and wasted my time waiting for them. I always had something at hand to do. And if there was an event or a plane or train starting or leaving at promptly X time, I let them be responsible for getting themselves there and I was never in a position where it was a problem for me if they didn't. And there were indeed times when I left without them or they missed out because they arrived too late. I took no offense nor did I suffer any consequences for their behavior and we were good friends for a long time until I moved away. An elegant solution. Final note - I do this with few people in my life and only on the personal side. In business, I give a 5 minute grace period, but otherwise I expect people to be on time and if they aren't we have a chat. I do note that some people today think it's perfectly acceptable not to show up and later say, oh sorry, blah blah excuse excuse. They get cut off fast.
I'm definitely a time bender. I believe there are multiple factors contributing to it. 1) I don't notice the passage of time while concentrating. 2) I'm optimistic about how long mundane tasks take and I forget to factor in things I don't care about that other people do. Like I think I just have to put on my shoes and leave, but my wife thinks I need to comb my hair, put on pants, etc. I'm also very relaxed about a thing until I decide it's time. I'll lay there apathetic until I've decided it's time to go, then to hell with anything else, it's time to go, pants or whatever is not happening.
I feel so seen with this video as a time bender. I can have an amazingly accurate sense of timing when it matters and there's some pressure that causes me to focus. Other times I get distracted by something interesting and lose 20 minutes in the blink of an eye. I'm chronically late to social functions but have never missed a flight or a train. It's nice to see some of the science behind this trait I've had my whole life.
I don't want to diagnose you, because that's not something I can do from your comment - however, you might want to do some research into ADHD, because you sound exactly like me, and I was diagnosed in 2020 with all the traits;)
I’d love it if there were a part two! I have dyslexia and am terrible with time and space. I really don’t think it’s part of my personality, but might be wrong. Would love to learn more
Hello from a fellow dyslexic time bender! I often feel like I regularly under estimate how long tasks are going to take me to do like when getting ready to go out, plus being a procrastinator doesn't help. My issues with literacy were solved quite easily when I was a kid but my problems with maths and sequencing persisted and I feel that's what contributes to lateness. I don't think it means I am less conscientious because I get really stressed and feel really guilty when I am late.
Maybe watch my TED talk or read my book? It's a big subject, which can't be properly explained in a few soundbites - though this BBCReel video is a great way of getting the discussion out there.
A lot of people have mentioned ADHD, but you may also benefit from looking into Dyspraxia, which is less talked about. I have Dyspraxia and a lot (if not all) dyslexia traits. I was told its pretty common to have one and then lots of traits for the other.
I have a friend who is always 2 hours late or more when she comes to visit me. This happens even when she initiates the visit and I let her pick the date and time. It's very irritating, but over the years I've gotten used to it and just accept it. It is part of who she is. I on the other hand am always on time. It is very important to me to be on time. I am very conscientious about most things especially if it involves other people, but my desk is usually messy, I'm not a neat freak. lol!
Same here. I am not neat or organised. Can't decide what to buy in clothes etc, just confused about certain things. Can't decide. But very punctual if I've given other people certain time. Don't want to keep them waiting because I hate waiting. I've had such a friend too but i gave her a earful once after waiting for one hour on the road for her. She stopped doing it after that. Haha
I score "very high" in conscientiousness per my personality testing at UC Berkeley. Yet, I'm frequently late. Pretty sure it has more to do with the ADHD than my personality traits. I've never missed a flight (I've taken hundreds of them), never been late to pick up a child, never late to weddings, funerals, etc., but I've missed subways, buses, been late to work, been late to my first class (never the classes after that) and repeatedly. EDIT: I did miss one flight, but that wasn't due to being 'late' it was because a flash flood occurred on the highway, and water started filling the taxi, and I had to get on on the freeway, put my luggage over my head, and walk to safety in shin deep water.
I'm the same! ADHD also..When it's important..you BET MY ASS ILL BE THERE, haha but if it feels somewhat important..and "okay" to be late... catch me walking in 5 minutes late 🤣
I'd like to see the data on this, because I have high consciousness too, but mine is mixed with somewhat high neuroticism (OCD), so I over prepare and need to finish everything if possible before moving on. That makes me late. To me it's not that it doesn't matter, it's that it can matter too much
@@kristae.7686 Interesting. Yes, some things can matter too much to me, as well, and while I've been known to be late to work, I have no problem working late to make certain things are complete, executed well, and that everything is ready for the following day. I've rather self-directed and reliable to get things done, and to do them well. On neuroticism, I score low. I've joked a few times that I score so low on neuroticism that it's a good thing I score "very high" in conscientiousness because if I didn't, I might end up being a psychopath. That is a terrible joke, but it's funny to me because not only is it not true, I have a a high degree of emotional empathy for others (including total strangers), which is the antithesis of psychopathy. I view empathy for others as a strength, where as psychopaths and sociopaths view it as weakness and they try to exploit it. Even when no one is looking, I never exploit others. It doesn't even enter my mind to do so, especially those who are most vulnerable. OCD has some good qualities, too, albeit I can see how some can be frustrating for the person with it.
Unfortunately, timekeeping is more complicated than this video shows it ... I have autism, and a side effect of that is a love of firm routine. However, I also have a co-morbid condition called "Executive Functioning Disorder". EFD means that the part of the brain that is responsible for analyzing a task, breaking it down into smaller steps and organizing these into a to-do-list is under-developed. This means that I struggle with prioritizing the bigger tasks (get ready for work vs check emails and the news), and then I struggle to effectively deduce the smaller tasks within a larger task (get ready for work = shave & bathe, make the bed, eat breakfast, get dressed, make sure I have everything I need for the day, leave the house on time to get to the office on time). So some people (particularly those with cognitive impairments, be it a learning disability or acquired traumatic brain damage) might just naturally suck at timekeeping due to EFD ... and there is very little that can be done about it, other than make people aware of your EFD and explain what causes it and how it affects you!
I'm on the spectrum, and while I'm smart, I tested below average for executive function. But no one ever explained it further, and I just never linked it to time management. What you described feels very accurate
@@IamCree the trick I found is to have little hacks to easy EFD, like I know I suck at getting ready in the morning so I have my toiletries and bathrobe staged at the foot of my bed and my clothes hanging on the back of my bedroom door to ease getting shaved&bathed and dressed in the morning!
EFD is the worst. I'd rather deal with all of my ADHD at 10x difficulty but without the EFD aspect of it. The worst part about EFD is your trying looks to others like you're not trying at all, and that people yell at you for it and put your self esteem extremely low. We can get through this.
I'm definitely a time-bender apart from being messy and I tend to be on-time for social gatherings and job interviews (of course), but late for everything else. I find myself always trying to beat the clock and things always seem to come up at the worst times- like suddenly needing to do a #2 when I need to leave for something.
My attitude towards a time commitment is different based on what is at stake. If I am meeting someone, or going to a meeting, the possibility of inconveniencing other people weighs on me a lot and so I am almost obsessively prompt. If I am the only one to suffer from being late, then I am much more likely to procrastinate or miss a deadline that I have set for myself.
Maybe there's something wrong with the people who expect absolute consistency everyday? Everyone has had that boss who's all over you for no better reason than you showed up to work 5 minutes later than they expected. It's kinda pitiful, I feel bad for bosses like that
I'm amazed at how well the first half of the video described me, but then I realized that I'm always on-time or a few minutes early to nearly everything. I'm the kind of person that can forget to eat lunch because I'm so engrossed in a programming project or logic puzzle for work or a hobby. When she said that you can choose to make a deadline to force yourself to take even social events seriously, just like work deadlines that have consequences, I realized that I've done this to myself most of my life. This was a remarkable video, showing me why some of my friends who are so similar to me just can't show up on time for any social gatherings, even when we can't start the game until we have everyone there. They never learned this technique of setting a deadline for themselves. Great video!
This was so interesting!! I’m 100% a time bender and try very hard to always be on time, however getting a daily routine down is very hard for me. So everyday I struggle to get to work on time ( thankfully my co workers and managers love leaving early so they can’t really say much) but it definitely is my toxic trait. I’m also messy, but now I make time to tidy my desk at work, the only thing that has stayed consistent throughout my life is my need to put anything I can in color order. My pen cup at work, my closet, my shoes, anything colorful I will try to organize by color.
I also struggle with my morning routine. Always late to work! While I've struggled essentially my entire life with this, I always work really hard and find that my supervisors are more impressed with what I get done than really caring that I'm late. Luckily at my present job there are so many people that show up late, I'm just one of them! They do because of the relaxed work environment, not because of their personality
Yes, I’d ditch the word “toxic” and consider that your brain just has a hard time with executive functioning. Have a read about ADHD and Autism too, you might find it resonates.
There is a lot of me in this video :-) Interesting point about deadlines though. I would never say "I can be on time when it matters" as firstly that is pretty tactless and secondly it's not that simple. To me it's more like there are 'hard' and 'soft' deadlines - so a 'hard' deadline might be catching a train or submitting a piece of work at college or the office. If you miss that deadline the consequences are pretty clear-cut or 'binary' if you like. Most deadlines in life are 'softer', let's be honest - no-one really minds if you walk into the pub at 8.05 instead of 8.00, so that deadline is not foremost in your mind if you decide to grab a shower or drag a brush through your hair before setting out. It's not like your friends "don't matter", it's just that you're not necessarily thinking of the knock-on effects when you decide to brush your hair or whatever...
A lot of those things describe me well, but I’ve always been pretty good about being on time to things. I’ve learned to take note of exactly how long my typical tasks take. How long does it take me to go to the gym and back? How long do I take to eat breakfast? To shower and dress? Etc. Only then I can correctly calculate when I need to wake up to be ready on time to get to whatever appointment I may have. Determining how long it will take to get to my appointment is also important (and adding at least 10 minutes to what the phone’s map estimates, just in case, or more if winter weather is possible). I also always wear a watch. I also keep an alarm on when for it’s time to leave to get my kid from school. What I haven’t been able to fix is “wait mode” in my mind. When I know I need to be somewhere important, I won’t do any tasks because I’m worried I’ll lose track of time. So I waste time, not doing anything valuable.
Very relatable. The chances of me being on time are higher when I have to be somewhere early. Lately I set an alarm just before I have to go somewhere, it really helps. It also makes me more relaxed.
This "wait mode" you described is how I spend a majority of my time. I have never had someone else in my life who did the same thing. I'm HEAVILY judged for it and perceived as lazy sometimes.
Ok, here's a suggested remedy. 1) If you have 20mins or less wait time before you leave the house, then leave early. Even if you'll just need to wait somewhere else you can always use the time waiting at the station etc by unscribing to spam emails from your phone, or learning a new language through an app, or buying your friends birthday cards in advance for the next year etc. Anything distracting is perfect as when your train comes, or your friend arrives etc you'll have to stop and can't go over time. 2) Longer than 20mins then set yourself a timed challenge so that you'll have 20 mins left, eg if you have 30 mins set a 7min timer to bag up rubbish to take out as you leave, try to beat the clock by going as fast as you can. Imagine that the world ends if you do not complete this mission and everyone is rooting for you but the timer only stops once you're outside your home.
I feel so seen in your comment just now. If I didn't have all these timers and buffer times, I'd be late to just absolutely everything. Your point about "waiting mode" meeeee toooo. Do you ever feel like when you are deep into working mode, and someone interrupts you, that now it feels like starting all over again?
I used to be the late one until I moved to another country for university. The other day I asked my childhood friends, "Do you remember, I used to be always an hour late?", and they didn't. It is funny to me, that now I am known to be organized, decisive and confident "by nature", when it definitely isn't the case. I am pretty good with changing habits that I don't like in myself, and I think that we can actually use "self-fulfilling prophesies" to our advantage by changing people's perceptions of us.
I stopped being friends with someone because they were always late and very blasé about other people's time as if we don't have lives of our own. This wasn't some casual friend either, we were friends for about 10 years. They would do things like message me at the time their train was pulling into the station and I was there waiting, to tell me they had missed that train and it was a 40 minute train ride. I was late to so many things because of them, plays, films etc.
Good for you. You deserve a friendship with someone who respects you more than this. Sorry you missed experiences and opportunities because of this person’s constant disregard for respecting your time.
In my opinion people are late for a reason. The psychological payoff for being late is to feel unconscious shame. People who feel shame often have an unconscious sense of being unwanted, which usually has its genesis in early childhood. Because shame is relational - it can only be experienced in relation to others - the shamed ones among us will often and reliably engineer moments where they feel bad about themselves, if only for a short while. Because it confirms to them how they truly feel about themselves inside, especially the very young part of themselves. The shamed can appear otherwise successful and happy, in the same way many depressed people can be high functioning individuals. Shame is a deeply profound and powerful state that generally gets no real attention or acknowledgement.
I have a friend who has always been late to every meeting we've had. Not 10 minutes, more like 45 minutes to over an hour. It has been so frustrating that I stopped meeting her for about a year. I recently started meeting her again and I decided to tell her that it is very disrespectful that she has done that time and time again. She took no responsibility and started to get very defensive. At this point, I do believe it is a form of a mental condition. I still love her very much. And I'm sure it has caused her challenges in her life.
I feel like the time bending aspect of this video is quite accurate but they don’t really acknowledge neurodivergence at all which makes things a little too general. For example when they talk about people who run late being less worried about it’s consequences in daily life. I would say that for myself the opposite is true, I am paralysed by the potential consequences of running late, contributing to my further lateness. I experience a huge amount of guilt and shame as a result which takes more time to talk myself through. Having inattentive type ADHD gets me distracted mid way through tasks, I create systems on top of systems and then get confused about which system I’m following, so to just tell people to be more organised and schedule their days properly seems a to me to be quiet an oversight.
Absolutely this. I care too much not too little and as a result I panic and freeze. I am very much a people pleaser type of person and upsetting people terrifies me, as well as having a great deal of anxiety about thing going wrong, so it's absolutely not true that I don't feel that things have repercussions. Every time I have to leave the house I have routines and lists that I write myself. I leave way longer than I should need to get ready. I even start getting things ready the night before to minimise what I will have to do before leaving. I am autistic and have ptsd, anxiety and dissociation and those things all interplay to create complete time blindness and executive dysfunction and despite all my planning I inevitably find myself wandering aimlessly around the house in a panic, trying to work out what the heck I'm supposed to be doing. I also don't have any ability at all to judge how long things will take so I have to rely completely another people for that. Generally someone will get irritated with me once it becomes obvious that I'm running late again and then my brain totally freezes up and makes matters worse. Contrary to the video, the more pressure there is, the harder it is to be on time! I almost always eventually leave the house with a paralyzing sense of anxiety that I haven't done everything that I needed to do and have probably forgotten to bring something I needed, even though I have checked off everything on my list that I made ahead of time. I wish people could experience what it feels like to have to plan ahead of time meticulously, start getting ready with way more time than should be needed, honestly try your best, despite building panic, to stay on track, and yet never ever manage to not be late, before they glibly state 'you would be on time if it really mattered to you'!
Yes... The video kinda made it look like people with time blindness just "don't care enough" about the appointment. And, good news - you can just "shape up"! I wish it were that simple.
I have so much anxiety about going anywhere (work every day) that I want to look/be perfect before I go & have everything done at home as well. I can start off hours ahead of schedule & end up rushing & even more tense.
Man! I’m so sorry you feel that way! I think perfection is like utopia the closer you get the further away you really are. Having some hair out of place or an untidy house or make up not done or whatever is so much better then if all those things were perfect but you are dead inside. It’s like wanting to reach perfection ensures you will in fact be unhappy and that is the farthest away from perfect.
It seems like, no matter how well I have planned things, something will always take far longer than it should, which in turn means I have to hear "why are you late again?" a lot of the time...
This would be my mother. I once remember asking my grandma if my mother was typically late even when she was growing up to different things. Her reply was, "Honey, she was late coming out of the womb."
My time blindness was a symptom of ADHD. It makes cognitive tasks hyperfocus if im invested and unbelievably time consuming if im not invested. (As with anything, it can be worked on, but ADHD often comes up with time tasks and deadlines and that sort of thing).
I rarely give videos thumbs-down but unfortunately am doing so here. I think it raised some interesting points and sparked nice dialogue but was woefully inadequate in addressing the topic. What he described explains maybe 5% of time-benders? But for the most of us there are MANY more root causes or factors involved. Like, having ADHD/autism. I could probably write a book detailing what goes through my head, the nitty-gritty of what goes down when I'm trying to get out of the house, lol. actually probably should. it might be interesting to have it laid out rather than experiencing it in a confused rushed mess. Anyway, I know it's a six-minute youtube video... but there's SO much more he could've at least touched on. I feel like people who do not have this issue will walk away from this video with a flimsy, narrow perception of us. "Oh, so they're just lazy people who don't care enough or don't face enough consequences. they just have to try and change their personality, that's all."
Here for this video because I used to be the super punctual person. Always 15-20 mins early. Then over the years, I've become more lax. Started to just be exactly on time. I won't miss a flight, train, or the start of a show. But generally, other things have a better lateness tolerance. The pandemic was the final nail in the coffin. Now I'm 15-20 mins late to everything. My concept of how long it takes me to do anything is completely obliterated. I also learned that I drag feet a lot when the task is something that I don't want to do. Getting back to on time means saying no to things I don't want to do. And getting really honest with myself about how long I take to complete a task.
Same with me. Before this pandemic I was extremely punctual. In the past year not loving what I do mostly due to management being horrible. Ever since ,I subconsciously have put less effort to being there early. Not intentionally. Just haven’t been truly happy since I lost my job due to the pandemic before starting my current one. Before I go back to doing what I was doing, I am working on doing what makes me happy on my own rather than working for another corporation. Trauma would most likely be the case for me.
I am always late. I always think, that in just 1hour I can do activities, which normally last at least 3h 🤦♀️ A year ago or so I read that it's a dysfuntion of some ppl minds 😳
This is SO me! The worst part is I've spent my entire life trying to fix it. After all these years, and being a 30+ year meditator, I believe there is a LOT more at play here than just how the brain works. The part about Time Benders not experiencing time as others do - the duration of one minute or an hour being inconsistent and surprisingly elastic -is a clue. The study of quantum physics is revealing that time really IS inconsistent and elastic! Could Time Benders be experiencing quantum behavior on a macro scale?...
No, the time between neurons firing increases and decreases, much like a modern day CPU clock decreasing frequency and going into power save mode or thermal throttling. Your metronome isn't always the same speed but the notes on the sheet music are being played the same.
Those "time benders?" They have ADHD. That's it. Timeblindness is a symptom of having an executive dysfunction like ADHD. If you feel like that's you, do yourself a favor and get tested.
I had a friend who used her ethnicity as an excuse for being late. I tolerated her behavior for years because it was usually recreational activities that were involved. I would let her choose the time to meet to depart and yet she was never ready. She finally made us late for a series of very important events that she pleaded with me to attend with her. I already had plans to attend alone but changed them to accommodate her. That put me at her mercy and being late caused me serious problems. I stopped making plans with her and our friendship died. Not only was she chronically late, she was resentful and nasty when tactfully informed about how it affected me. I thought her disrespectful and deeply unkind by wasting my precious time. Ironically, she spoke of how precious HER time was to HER.
I agree with the difference in the perception of the passing of time. As for a lack of conscientiousness & a simple need to change habits? Seems like outdated advice given to people (like myself) who most likely have ADHD & need an entirely different toolbox.
We have that thing in my country. We actually calls it the "Filipino Time", arriving late to anything, ranging from 10 minutes to 2 hrs. I thought that it was an inherent trait of Filipinos but I was shocked to see in RUclips that Mexicans also do it, Colombians to some extent and generally the Latin American countries. In addition to that, Spanish people are also known to be late as I watched in a RUclips video in a Spanish-learning channel. That's so shocking to know, since most other Asian countries don't practice this "lateness" unlike the Philippines. Philippines, being a colony of Spain may have contributed to this behavior. And it's just wrong for us to call it a Filipino time if the natives don't really practice it before not until the Spanish taught us their ways.
I dunno about South East Asian countries, but South Asian countries definitely practice this. IST is called "Indian Stretchable Time" for a reason, lol!
@@whydoineedanameiwillneverp7790 Did you know in the Philippines, since your Indian. We have a term here called "indianin" or in English is "to indian". This is when someone doesn't appear or doesn't come in the meeting place. I don't know why we called it "mang-indian" or "indianin" or why we related this behavior to indians. Most Indians here are actually in the lending businesses.
Africans, Arabs, Desis, Southeast Asians, the Spanish, you name it. They all have this too lol, it's nice to see the overlap. I guess everyone has a version of this except Americans, Europeans and East Asians.
Good heavens, the description of a “time bender” describes me perfectly, almost frighteningly so. However, I reject the notion that I am therefore not “conscientious.” I believe I am very conscientious, but end up often being late despite that. It’s a constant struggle. Another thing: Often it seems to me that I am late no matter how much I do to prevent it. I can leave at two o’clock for an appointment at three o’clock, and I end up being ten to twenty minutes late. But I swear, even if I leave at nine o’clock in the morning for that 3:00 p.m. appointment, I STILL am ten to twenty minutes late. Something always happens! Not always, of course, but often enough that it’s extremely frustrating-for myself and others. I sometimes think I’d get along a lot better in one of the countries that do not put such an emphasis on punctuality. I’m a human, not a clock!
I have watched so many people at my job get fired simply for chronic lateness. Even after opportunities to improve, even with the looming threat of termination, they still fail.
How does it help to label oneself an insulting word like lazy, crazy, stupid, sick with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder which repeated enough times in your mind or by people can destroy their minds, identity, personality, personal brand and their lives whereas they can learn to be organized in non insulting ways with non insulting words invented by people who pretend to be helpful psychologists when they are in fact unhelpful toxic negative cons who shame people and tell them their brains work against them and they keep repeating those insults and scary accusations until they become reality
@@ytb8361 No. Being diagnosed helps people to get support, like coaching and therapy. And yes, even medication. Also you can learn coping mechanisms from other people, and find peer support. ADHD is more than being late. There's struggles like Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, sleep problems, lack of object permanenence... Finding out about all those pieces without a diagnosis can easily take a lifetime. Besides, most ADHDers have been called with nasty labels all their life before diagnosis, it can actually help to let go of all that shame.
It’s good for timebenders to learn to improve their ability to timekeep. But why should timekeepers just be all righteous and judge us and not adapt like we do to them?
Hear hear. Timebenders have a number of positive characteristics too. We are flexible, responsive and adaptable, and we'll drop what we are doing to help out if we can. See my TED Talk ruclips.net/video/HDQQy2bq3yQ/видео.html
watching this, while working on a task which is 10 days overdue... I had the deadline, but perhaps the consequences was not serious enough. From my experience, creative tasks such as writing an essay or song can be strongly associated with perfectionism and the combinded two can lead to serious procrastination or constant interim revisions, which makes it impossible to finish the task. And as a hobby musician, I don't have a deadline to finish a song, hence almost no song is completely finished.
Disappointed ADHD/ADD wasn't even mentioned. Of which time blindness is a reality for many people with it. I understand what the video is going for, but I'm not sure how I feel about these traits being a measure of one's "personality" and "conscientious."
Scoring very high on Big-5 Conscientiousness isn't exactly a good thing. I know everybody thinks high scores are better, but this is not one of those kinds of tests. Ask yourself what term you would use to describe low conscientiousness? Answer: . . . Spontaneous. Is that what you thought? Or was it something negative?
Asked my boss for more timers for work. She said we don't need any. And I just said, "you just told me to be more mindful of time because I'm always late. I'm am asking you for 2 more tools to help me on track" she didn't want to order. So I put a timer on for on the computer, unfortunately it doesnt allow "dismiss" on the lock screen and that went on for a few weeks, now we have new timers.
I was a time-bender but my boss had the crazy idea that I should show up to work on time. He treated my time-bending with a dose of dis-employment. I thus made it a priority to get to work a few minutes early at my new job.
Griselda do take a look at my TED Talk ruclips.net/video/HDQQy2bq3yQ/видео.html and book amzn.to/3dBrfdY This 6 minute video can show only 10% of the whole picture.
What I hear are excuses by chronically late people for being chronically late. It is, at its core, disregard for the time and feelings of others. I would be late, too, if I didn't set alarms and commit to being where I am supposed to when I am supposed to be there. I tend to start projects late, but I meet deadlines and even finish early sometimes. Everyone is late now and then. Those who are late to work once a week are in a separate class of people. As adults they can make changes to their lives to stop this bad habit. If they WANT to.
As a timekeeper this was very interesting to me - getting to hear the other side of the story so to speak. I'm not usually very patient with time-benders so I'll try to be more understanding moving forward. Are there some people though to just deliberately bend time? Like they just don't care? I think that's why time-benders can be so frustrating to us timekeepers. It's like they're saying: Your time doesn't matter to me. I will show up when I'm damn good and ready. Now you just sit there and wait!
Idk, there might be people who dig their heels in like that because they are insensitive to others and/or want to establish a sense of control , but my guess is that you'd see additional indications of that disposition in other areas of their lives/behaviors as well. For me, getting ready to go somewhere is the worst Managing and switching between all the little tasks is exhausting and mentally difficult. I'm intelligent, but that part of my brain works differently. I'm so stressed I'll be late, and I'm trying so hard to be on time, but my brain just doesn't coordinate the tasks I have to do in a meaningful way, timewise. I'll check the clock periodically and think I have a handle on it, do a couple tasks, and next time I look at the clock, it's been three times longer than I planned or expected. The part of the video about being able to be on time if there are consequences is inaccurate for a lot of people. The determining factor is frequency. Can you maintain the level of focus and planning necessary to be on time once for a big event verses constantly-- throughout the day on a daily basis. As someone in another comment mentioned, it often takes a surge of adrenaline to achieve and maintain the focus and speed necessary to be early or on time, and that isn't sustainable for the human body all the time. I totally understand being on the other side and feeling like late people are inconsiderate and that your time isn't valued (I would feel that way too!). And that knowledge weighs on me when I've failed to be on time for someone or something that matters to me and that I put so much effort into getting right. I care about people deeply and am very conscientious in general about how my actions impact others, so it's hard to keep putting so much effort into something, failing often, and then having those you care about think you don't care. I have learned to call ahead to let people know if it's a day I'm running late, so at least they aren't waiting and can plan accordingly
Mel You may find it hard to believe, but most Timebenders believe they will make it on time - until they realise they won't! There is more on this in my TED Talk. ruclips.net/video/HDQQy2bq3yQ/видео.html Thanks for being open minded, rather than just berating us.
It's not JUST a symptom of adhd, there are other disorders where time management can be difficult (for example autism) and other people without any disorder could have this issue just as well, nobody is the same..
Totally agree, Julie! About 10% of the population struggle with timeliness. Timebenders exhibit some of the symptoms of ADHD, but there are many other ADHD symptoms which don't correlate with Timebending - see these "Symptoms of Adult ADHD" listed in this extract from the NHS website:- "Some specialists have suggested the following as a list of symptoms associated with ADHD in adults:- • carelessness and lack of attention to detail • continually starting new tasks before finishing old ones • poor organisational skills • inability to focus or prioritise • continually losing or misplacing things • forgetfulness • restlessness and edginess" This video is a 6 minute summary of a 200 page book, amzn.to/3dBrfdY and most of the reviewers say they've never read anything on this subject before. It's just the first step, and all these discussions are adding more understanding.
My time is important to me. I don't make promises when I can't fulfill them. I think in social occasions we tend to say yes because we don't want to disappoint.
I am a time-bender but I disagree with her conclusion that the reason I don’t miss things like planes is because of the consequences. It’s because I give myself a lot more time to get to the airport. I’ll tell myself to get there 2 hour in advance and almost invariably misjudge that and get there much later. Because I gave myself so much time though, I’m still on time for the plane. That strategy doesn’t really much sense when it’s for a social event. I’m unlikely to give myself 2 hours to meet up with my friends. I also noticed that when I had to go to work and I lived farther away, I was much more likely to be on time then when I lived a lot closer.
Exactly! Also, I, for example am late for literally everything, whether it's a social event or an important exam so not everyone is late as a result of there not being any consequences.
I hate employers that insist on the ideology that “to be on time is to be early.” No it isn’t. And language is important. If you want me there early, schedule me there earlier.
Lateness may also fall under the category of learning disability, like directional impairments or tone deafness. Things that seem obvious and easy to some of us simply don't compute with others.
I struggle with promptness and also have zero sense of direction. The easy access to GPS and Google maps has been life changing! I wonder if time management and directional awareness are located similarly in the brain.
@@spiralali Direction problems and tardiness may be related. But not in my case. I am good at directions unless they are verbal. I have trouble being early though.
@@Catlily5 At least you are trying. A lot of the people in the comments sadly are using it as their excuse to be terrible to other people. If you recognize that other people's time are valuable and strive to change your issues, then you're doing something right even if its a struggle.
Yeah just the problem is that it can't be changed just by trying harder. It can be improved with a lot of external help, but not changed. Since ADHD is how your brain is wired, you can try as hard as you like but to others it will never look like you are trying hard enough
I really like how these perspective were explored! Sometimes the only control people feel they have show up like this! It is as important understanding why people are so bothered if someone is late !
I actually don't understand why people are so bothered at tardiness. It's not as if they're important. Maybe it shakes their worldview of being the center of the universe, which they then reflect off of the other person... "so you think you're special?" No, do you think *you're* so special? (Yes). So much of life is tiptoeing around other people's self sense of importance.
As a person who is often a little late, I NEVER commit to a specific time. This is especially relevant where I live, as the traffic is so incredibly impossible to predict that you need a 10-15 window or you will always find yourself literally flushing an additional 15 minutes down the toilet for every appointment you have by overworking to not be late. So if someone wants to meet me for lunch I will agree to 12/12:15ish. I think another side of this which needs exploring is peoples overly anal need to be early. To me, showing up to someone's house or even a scheduled meeting early is really really irritating. If they are coming to my house, I already told them when it was ok to show up - any time AFTER that is ok, before that is just rude. If it is a meeting in a public place, they will invariably tell me they showed up early which makes me feel like it's my fault they've been waiting even if I showed up on time.
Nah I think this is a little bit stereotypical. I can be both very organized and non organized. I used to be on time before and I would complete school assingments right after school. Then at some point I got to a school where a lot of people were late and at some point started being late myself. Now I notice that even when I'm trying to leave early something always happens - I hurt my toe, drop hot coffee on my hand or just get so much stress that I just don't manage to leave on time. The same with tasks, I procrastinate with them because I don't feel confident making them. What really bugs me about people who are on time is that they think they are much better people than the ones who arelate but no it isn't written in my genes it's just that I've lost my confidence and are shy of people like you and I think THAT is the reason why I'm late - I'm just too ashamed of showing up because I don't like myself. Oh and I still organize my desk. I can't focus with a messy table. Oh and just because you might have a season of being late in your life doesn't mean you're always gonna be that way.
I almost convinced myself that I keep a tidy desk, which I do! Problem is, that desk is at the office and Iʻve been working from home for most of the pandemic. Now my dining room table on the other hand😅 (where Iʻve actually been working the past 2 years)
It boils down, as far as I'm concerned, to just being inconsiderate to others. If you are making all the other people wait because you can't set a reasonable time to leave to be there on time, YOU JUST DON'T CARE!!! And, as you can see, it really makes some people mad, and I'm one of them.
Whenever I arrive either early or on time, I am made to wait. But then when I’m late everyone seems in a rush (and annoyed). Can’t there be a little more empathy or coordination between the two types? I had a doctors appointment recently and was told to arrive early (as they always do). Then I sat in the lobby for about a half hour. Why make appointments and not keep them? (I am saying this as a person who is regularly late to events I’m not looking forward to.)
I‘m always about 10-15 mins late because I always want to cram too much stuff to do into the limited time period I have. I guess that makes me a time bender. I definitely do not have ADHD, but I do have a messy desk. It's also true that I can be on time for things that "matter". I hate being early. But the result is usually you are either early or you are a tad late. I wish western society could have a more flexible perception of time. Things have changed in China but when I was growing up late for 10 mins is not counted as "late".
As others have mentioned, it's narcissism. You can be on time for a train or bus, but you don't mind other people waiting on you. You are sending a message that my time is more valuable than yours. Like a doctor making you wait, eventhough you have the first appointment of the day. It's to put you in your place socially.
I’m late all the time and I am certainly not a narcissist. I realize how valuable others’ time is and I feel absolutely terrible about it when I keep someone waiting. I bust my ass to be on time when I know someone’s waiting on me. It’s a massive struggle every time and I stress myself out but sometimes I’m still late. Conversely, I’m late for work almost everyday. No one is waiting on me there.
@@MsJeanneMarie so why are you late all the time? Can't you estimate your prep and travel time accurately, set alarms, and leave 15 mins early to give you some cushion?
@JJ Rebel I think people that are late like this don’t consider the in between/transition times to hold equal weight to each activity they are squeezing every last drop out of. They see them as side by side one another w out the links so much maybe. Hmm…
I believe there is more to this. Some humans like being late because it feeds the ego for them believing that they are worth waiting for. It makes them feel important, but it is really selfish on their part. If you are supposed to be somewhere at 4pm, make an effort to get there. None of us like people being late for us. I make an effort to get places on time because I am considerate.
Are you a timekeeper or a time-bender?
I am a timekeeper because I care about other people.
You are someone who forgot to pin the comment.
@@MariaMartinez-researcher Haha! Thanks for the reminder
A bender on a bender but missed the offy so ran outta booze lol just messing 😂
@@karenavey2183 oh you're so cocky 🤣
I once heard someone call it "time optimism".... and every since then, my whole life made sense. I am late to the place I'm going next, because I'm focused on where I am right now. I optimistically think I have more time than I do to finish what I'm currently working on or to finish a current conversation with someone ... and then, low and behold, every time, I have less time than I optimistically thought I did and I end up being late.
I've had to force my time optimist self to see the amount of time things take in a pessimistic/realistic light rather than think I can magically continue in the present moment without any consequences in the future.
I have a very optimistic friend. He’s a really smart man but when he makes plans it takes me about 1.3 seconds to see that the time schedule is hopeless from the beginning. He’s a true optimist.
What you said makes so much sense to me
That's EXACTLY how I've always described it, but have never heard anyone else mention it. Right on!
I live this. I have learned to just double however long I think something will take, that way my schedule is more realistic.
I call it Magical Thinking... you seriously believe you're going to get somewhere in 15 minutes that you know damn well is going to take 45 minutes, LOL.
It's called time blindness. It's a symptom of ADHD, as are many of the other traits mentioned. People with this adrenaline levels that are usually lower than average, imparing executive function which regulates awareness of the passage of time. The reason we can be on time sometimes is because an external factor has caused elevated adrenaline. However, this means we can end up living in a pretty much constant state of fight or flight. Exhausting.
I can't like this comment more. Being unable to achieve time awareness without the focus provided by adrenaline Is a thing. No one can live with adrenaline surging all the time: it leads to burnout and actual physical changes and chronic illness. Wish the world were more accommodating to more than one type of person/brain
Makes sense my friend was always late and she’s definitely lower than average . She’s late bcuz she’s too busy picking an outfit and putting on make up on a simple hangout
So exhausting.... :-(
My boyfriend has ADHD along with time blindness as you mentioned and it's really a struggle 😞 he already has problems keeping jobs and friends for a long time.
This is exactly how I feel. I'm so tired. I feel bad all the time. I'm late even when there's consequences.
For years I was always late. I always underestimated how long it would take to do something. So, if I had five minutes 'to spare' I'd try to get x,y or z done. And then, of course, I'd still need to find car keys, specs etc in those five minutes.
Yeah, that was my worst habit too!
Oh god yeah. "Hm, I might as well rinse this cup since I'll be too early if I leave now anyway." And then I end up doing all my dishes, and then right when I have to leave I still have to get my shoes on, keys, check the weather to know what coat I'm wearing. Double check whether I have everything. Leave the house. Check again whether I have everything, and all of a sudden I'm already running 5 minutes late.
@@DanDanDoe omg this is exactly what happens!
@@DanDanDoe That's excellent. Yes life takes much longer than we expect.
Then ADD 15 minutes to your estimate. Respect others to have some respect for yourself.
This is actually a common trait of ADHD that is becoming more well known lately, it's often called "time blindness." Our brains literally do not perceive the passage of time the same way that neurotypical brains do. I have ADHD and I'm late to EVERYTHING. It doesn't matter whether it's something I want to go to, something I'm excited about, or something I dread. Work, doctor's appointments, outings with friends, even when I set a time deadline to go to the grocery store on my day off, I'm always late. I've tried getting up earlier, setting alarms, laying everything out so I don't have to look for stuff, etc. Somehow I just don't realize how much time is passing and it always feels like time is passing much more slowly than it actually is. It has had significant negative effects on my life and I'm making a genuine effort to change it but everything I try fails. It really sucks to know that everyone else sees you as rude and uncaring when you quite literally hate yourself for it, hate doing it, try not to but somehow it just doesn't change.
oh I feel just the same! and it’s exhausting. Doesn’t even matter how much earlier I start to prepare for the task and honestly the earlier I start the worse things turn out because then I think I have plenty of time and start multitasking. I think it’s because I just hate sitting and doing nothing so at school for example, if I decide to go to cafeteria it’s never just going there and grab what I need. It’s always talking to multiple people, petting a cat on the way or checking the boards to see if anything new coming up. I think everything is possible if the deadline isn’t near yet, and when it’s near I can finally start focusing on one thing.. that one thing has to be perfect too but that’s another problem to solve :’)
Eh. Don’t feel bad. F it. I’m the same. We make up for it in other ways.
@@euniceo5345 that's exactly what I tell myself😊 One's downside is an advantage in different ways
I have adhd, but I didn't know I had it for a long time, and I was late for school a lot since I had to commute. I got detention for being late, and detention is at 6:30 and my commute was about 30 min. Long story short, I was late to detention no matter how hard I tried and was consequently in detention every day.
For me the biggest fun is when my ADHD is battling with my anxiety. If my ADHD is winning I'm running late, if my anxiety is driving that day, I'm an hour early. I don't have anything in between.
I discovered that the times I was late was when I was going to places I did not really want to go. It was a subconscience thing on my part and my being late made things worse, I ended up late and stressed as well as feeling guilty.
Since then I have discovered I also suffer from social anxiety disorder. It is important for me to have boundries, to know I can say no.
I hope you will/were not late for your wedding.
I'm late to things I don't really want to go to as well. Unfortunately, it's called "work".
:|
O my god ... this is me.
It's sad bro, I should know how to say no and to think that its ok to say no
I disagree that the reason I'm on time for planes but late for my friends is because of consequences. I'm frequently late for friends and exercise classes - and there ARE consequences. I feel AWFUL, I feel really bad for my friend, and it ruins the first half of out time together, because I feel so bad - I can't relax/enjoy myself/listen to what they're saying. Same for exercise classes - sometimes I'm so late, the teacher doesn't let me join in, or if I do it's never as good because I've missed the warm up and I'm on the back foot.
I think the difference is not consequences, but frequency. I catch a plane less than once a year. It's a big deal. I can be on time, but it takes an awful lot of planning ahead, and usefully takes hours of my time to get there on time. That's fine for a special/rare occasion. But I don't have the energy, or capacity to manage that level of planning for daily/ weekly occurences.
I'm continuing to try new strategies for my time keeping - as it's something I do want to get better at - but for some people it guenuinly is difficult.
This exactly!
Same!
This is a really important point to make and I relate to it completely.
Sometimes in personal relationships the stress of running late is so overwhelming and guilt filled that it can cloud my brain and make me even later.
Dealing with something like that on a daily basis can be exhausting.
In a sense, consequences?
Rare events = high stake
Frequent events = low stake
?
No, that's not it. You just value your time more than others. It's part of your narcissism. It's that simple. It's not about frequency.
It's amazing to me that no one specifically mentioned anxiety as a reason for being chronically late. I can want to do something, even set it up. An as the time draws closer find myself extremely late; to work, social events, and even with turning in assignments. At one point I was constantly late for church and I realized that I was trying to miss the beginning where everyone had time to talk and socialize with one another. I've also been late picking my kids up from school when it's less than a mile away. I realize in part I'm not time conscious enough and the other part is I'm anxious to be seen and engage. Even though I'm constantly trying to break out of my comfort zone and live a more enjoyable life. Lately, I've been looking at the fact that I need to give myself an extra 30 minutes to an hour to get places so I have a moment to de-stress. Yet, as of today, it's still a struggle.
I sometimes set my alarm ahead of time so there is just enough time to grab my coat and go.
I feel this way about my anxiety causing tardiness. I have changed to working from home recently. Before, I was slightly late to work every day. Now that I don’t have to spend all of my energy dreading going the office I get up later, have time to eat breakfast, and do some cleaning around the house in the morning. I still get dressed for the day. The only real time difference is a 15-17 minute drive to work. I can spend my energy accomplishing things instead of on my anxiety.
Omg I do this! Thank you for making me feel normal.
@@GeriBee, you're welcome! I'm glad I could help in some small way. It's taken me a long time to figure out what's going on with me because no one readily talked about these things until recently so it's been a LOT of trial and error.
@@annapierce2604, I'm glad you found that working from home is better for you. I'm an ambivert so I need a certain amount of social interaction. Plus, I was a care giver and stay at home mom for many years so I've been in the house and kind of isolated most of my life. Even though it's hard for me I still find trying to get out of my comfort zone a worthwhile endeavor.
I’d love to hear more about “time blindness”. I have friends who can guess how much time has passed to the minute, but I can’t tell whether 5 or 25 minutes have passed. I’ve read that people with dyspraxia often have trouble with planning and time management which is interesting.
Oh, that's really interesting! Thanks for sharing
Here's a question for us. If you are fully living in the moment, really attending to whomever you're with, are you paying attention to the time? Contrariwise, if you are paying close attention to the time, how relaxed and "in the moment" are you?
Funny enuff Im real good @guessing time passed/memory but gotta set 8 alarms w/ 2 wake up calls minimum & 1 every 15mins r I hit snooze until I leave as ADHD/anxiety=Imma get caught up n thoughts by anything n life: combing hair, pets, work uniform, an old memory R n my car!
@@GentlemnBronco yes! I always think of the malleability of time as one of my adhd traits…
And similarly adhd!
It's also cultural. If you're in Greece, you are almost expected to be late for social gatherings. If you are invited to someone's house, you must never be on time. You must always be 10-15 minutes late, because it is assumed that they won't be completely ready
It probably depends on the event as well. In the UK you would never show up to a house party at the given time, because nobody else would be there. But if it's a board game night or coffee morning etc then you ought to be
I'm surprised they don't mention cultural context in the video.
@@oliversissonphone6143 I think that’s because the context of these situations assumes being late is a negative. Obviously If you’re social circle includes everybody showing up life this doesn’t apply.
@@deriobamba I agree there are a lot of assumptions.
@@deriobamba Well, it is negative. I once met up with a group of Spanish people. It was a large group but we were standing on the street until everyone finally arrived, 40 minutes later than arranged. And no one suggested we go take a seat in the restaurant so the really late ones could find us there! It was soooooo fucked up!! PS I am Greek
I used to be always late for everything but when I joined a dance academy, I was so excited for every class that I reached the studio half n hour early to warm up and leave half n hour later because I wanted to dance more. My passion for dance helped me become punctual. Always follow your dreams. ✌️💃
I simply have ADHD. We are time blind as a result of our brains being wired differently. That hyperfocus is part of our makeup. Our attention is either not present or TOO present. We thrive in highly structured environments, but we find it almost impossible to create those schedules or stick to them. ADHD motivation paralysis is an issue too. So, this isn't really a personality thing, but a brain "wiring" issue.
Your brain is a huge part of who and how you are so I'd say its wiring creates your personality. I don't understand the distinction between this is my personality and this is bc I'm wired differently. If you have ADHD then whatever comes with that is you bc it's how your brain is wired and not a disease that befalls you as you age or grows like tumor and can be removed. Of course you can influence brain chemistry but that's true for any human brain. ADHD is inseparable from who you are as a human, as a person precisely bc it's a wiring/structural thing and not one that's a disease that definitely makes you work less well as a human but in western capitalist society with strict routines etc it often does. It doesn't necessarily lend itself to that.
@@molchmolchmolchmolch I agree to some extent. Both personality and being “wired differently” / ADHD can be seen as similarly tied to the person. It may be changeable by a bit, but most people would probably say that you cannot change your personality all that much, and the same is true for your “wiring” or having (/ being) ADHD.
On the other hand, people also believe that it is possible to change someone. And people with certain personalities or traits tend to hear: “if you only tried harder” or “why can’t you change?” or “Why can’t you do this? Because I (or he or she) can, and so should you!”. This shows that “personality” is not always seen as fixed, but rather as a personal decision, or as something that can be overcome with effort. And this appears to be true to some extent as well, because, for example, as stated in the video, conscientiousness can be learned, to some extent at least.
And these different views of personality are there because it is really difficult to understand exactly why some things are easier for some people, and harder for others. And exactly why this is, and how changeable it is. Ultimately, we have to take our own internal experience as a measure for how we think other people experience life. And we can observe others and draw conclusions.
I believe describing yourself as “being wired” a certain way or as “having ADHD” makes it clear that the personal experience, and how that person’s brain works is really somewhat different from the way how some non-ADHD person’s brain works, and how that influences personal experience. It makes clear that some things can take a whole different level and quality of effort for some people, and not because of a decision that these people make.
I believe this becomes even clearer when we look at other things that most people now understand to be caused by brain differences: for example, having OCD or schizophrenia. Or being gay. Centuries ago, schizophrenia was seen as being “possessed”. And attempts were made to “drive the possessive spirit out” of that person. That reveals that this was not seen as a personality trait, or even as a decision by that person, but as a changeable affliction. But as neurologists can now identify brain differences for schizophrenia, it becomes clear that it is a trait of the brain and the person, rather than a curable affliction. Still, we wouldn’t want to describe it as a “personality”, because we believe that schizophrenia is a non-curable, but somewhat treatable affliction. We believe the “personality” of a schizophrenic person can be hidden by this affliction. And for being gay or bisexual, I believe most people remember how the perception changed from it being a personal decision that can and should be sanctioned, even by law, to it being a brain difference, and something that cannot be changed by that person. It can be discussed how much society has changed since then, but in general I believe it is fair to say that being gay/bisexual has been integrated into modern life as just another part of a person.
On the other hand, there really seem to be some personality traits that may be changeable or learnable. An example may be: as a male, do you stand while peeing or do you sit down on the toilet? - Although, some people would probably prefer not to include those in a definition of “personality”, and only include the traits that cannot be changed. I believe that this is a too narrow definition of personality though. And it requires us to know exactly which traits are changeable and which are not. And because this may change, as we learn more about ourselves and our brains, I do not think that we can make that decision in all cases, or even in most cases. And that is why I believe “personality” has to include both “wired” traits and learned traits.
So, long story short: “personality” describes a wide variety of traits. Some may be more changeable than others. And some traits are perceived by others as more changeable than others. But saying “being wired” for something in a certain way or “having/being ADHD” tells us more about how changeable a trait is, and thereby how fixed it is to the personality of that person. And that is why I believe these two concepts are meaningfully different.
Yeah, the things that distinguishes "time benders" are also ADHD symptoms.
@@molchmolchmolchmolch Seriously? You think PTSD can't take a fully mature 40+ years old), adult brain and turn someone into a human being that even they no recognize as themselves???
I've got news for you, it not only CAN happen (something that befalls you as an adult 40, 50, 60 years old), it DOES happen, and it happens to anyone that develops PTSD as a fully mature adult whose brain functioned quite normally prior to developing PTSD.
For people saying it's ADHD, how does it help to label oneself an insulting word like lazy, crazy, stupid, sick with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder which repeated enough times in your mind or by people can destroy their minds, identity, personality, personal brand and their lives whereas they can learn to be organized and conscientious in non insulting ways with non insulting words that are not insulting labels invented by negative con people who pretend to be helpful psychologists when they are in fact unhelpful toxic negative cons who shame people and tell them they are lazy, crazy, stupid, mentally disabled, driven to insanity, angry, hopeless, lost causes, that their brains work against them and they keep repeating those insults and scary accusations until they become à horrific all hardship reality
Sounds like time blindness in ADHD. Not "personality traits", but neurodiversity. Our brains are wired differently. So it's about learning coping strategies to navigate neurotypical society. Some apps and tricks work better with one person than they will with another. I have to use a few different tricks to be timely for tasks, appointments, etc. But it doesn't change how my brain perceives time, just how my timing appears to others.
Leave it to neurotypicals to first: ignore ADHD exists, and second: somehow turn ADHD into a personality flaw.
The perpetually early and control freaks are the ones with the personality flaw.
YES!!! THANK YOU!!! That's exactly what I was thinking.
@@jenthulhu I know. "Personality flaw." As if I can change an integral part of my identity. I can try to find ways to cope with chronic lateness, but I can't change who I am.
@@joec.2768Everyone has "personality flaws". It is easier to criticize others than look at our own.
This is spot on, I'm messy and disorganized because I can never finish something before starting another. The reason why I'm always late to meet friends is because I always bet myself I can fit all these tasks within this time, but I go over. It is a strong betting feeling. When it comes to hard deadlines, such as for school papers, I can lose sleep, suffer through, and pump out those papers intensely. Getting ready for friends is not a challenging intense work mode so I simply bet myself I can have enough time for all these getting ready tasks. I just end up apologizing all the time and feeling crappy, but friends simply expect me to be late now.
I wish there was a “couldn’t agree more” button! because I have this huge confidence -that I have no idea where it came from- I always think I’m a superhuman or something, I deliberately make things harder so that I can enjoy doing them better and that way I can focus on them properly
If you're not already diagnosed with ADHD, please consider reading up about it. I got diagnosed half way through my degree and it's legitimately changed my life. Everything you've said is intensely relatable! The thing with getting diagnosed is that it's like a confirmation of everything you already know about yourself. It didn't feel like learning anything new. But suddenly everything made sense, and it became easier to let go of the endless cloud of guilt and self-hatred. Plus, meds and therapy and support plans do make some difference. The biggest difference with meds for me is that they've fixed my sleep (I no longer have chronic insomnia, and I no longer find it hard to get out of bed in the morning, which is insane) and also helped me get less triggered and overwhelmed by emotions or sensory overload.
At the same time, I STILL ended up doing an all nighter on Thursday to get my dissertation done. Only had ten months to work on this thing but no, I had to bang out the last twenty pages at the last minute and submit the thing with four minutes to go and no time to proofread. I'm trying not to hate myself for that one, lol.
The 'betting' thing is spot on. I saw someone in the comments describe it as time optimism, and it's so true. I think it's because there are times when I legitimately can get insane amounts of things done in record speed, but only when the adrenaline works and the stars align. But because I did that once, I expect that I'll be able to do it all the time, and I can't. The worst is when you do amazing things in those periods of hyperfocus and then other people expect that you'll be able to churn that stuff out regularly. No, that's not how it works. I don't do things regularly. I do them in bursts of insane energy and creativity or I simply do not do them at all.
I'm a timebender, BUT I look at punctuality as a kind of personal responsibility. It is an important component of my life's philosophy. There are many reasons to be late, early, and on time.
Same here. I am scatterbrained as hell and lose track of time, but I learned this at a young age so I use a to-do list app religiously and check my alarms continuously. I show up least fifteen minutes early. I schedule pretty much everything so I don't procrastinate, ESPECIALLY when others are relying on me. If something does come up, I communicate the issue/delay immediately.
@@comfortable_east So that they don't expect you to be on time the next time :P
@@comfortable_east Reasons for being late (for me).
1. Underestimating how long things will take.
2.Trying to get one (or more) extra last thing done before leaving.
3. Getting so engrossed in something that I loose track of time.
4. My phone alarm doesn't ring. I have many set for the whole day.
5. I have difficulty stopping one activity to go to the next. I want to finish one before going to another.
6. Realizing I have forgotten to eat and then needing to eat something so I will have energy for the day before leaving.
7. Getting distracted when I am trying to leave the house.
8. Etc.. Etc.. Etc..
PS. I have executive functioning problems which means my brain is not working optimally.
Yes, I feel like a lot of this video is BS to make inconsiderate people feel like they're not really. I struggled with being on time for years and years, until I just made a commitment to be on time for things. It's not that hard, otherwise airplanes would never be full. It's a matter of self-discipline.
@@comfortable_east Two reasons I can think of. One: it is a party where being early is considered uncool (like the term "fashionably late"). Two: You have a disorder like ADHD where your brain hates to wait (having a cellphone to look at helps a lot with this problem).
Oh, and some people say they are late to things they don't want to do, like work. Personally, I have been late to everything, even things I enjoy so I think it could be a factor but it is not the main reason for me. In my case I have issues with my brain malfunctioning. It doesn't only malfunction when I don't want to do something. I have actually missed events I really wanted to go to because I couldn't get things together in time.
Another suggestion I have for people to consider is TRAUMA. There are a lot of people suggesting chronically late people may have ADHD (a kinder suggestion than simply implying they do not care about other people, rather they are neurodivergent) and another thing to consider being the deeper reason behind your lateness might be trauma. Depression, PTSD or any other extreme mental duress where you may zone out, have flashbacks or even disassociate here and there from your everyday life as a result of unhealed and uncared for traumas. Be kind to yourself and don't instantly throw yourself under the bus for not functioning like a bullet-proof robot. Usually if something like chronic lateness is impacting your work, friendships and life it's not a mere result of not caring or being lazy. Please consider if you have something deeper going on.
& the fact that people lose their jobs bc of this.. it’s sad
Thisssss. I have ADHD that was exacerbated by compounding trauma. Lateness and executive dysfunction were the two things that I REALLY started struggling with. People really underestimate the trauma aspect, thanks for calling it out!
@@RockieC1 It is. Society is often punitive to those in need and people not colouring exactly in the lines.
It's like judging a fish for the ability to climb a tree, and a monkey on it's swimming ability! We all work differently and sadly if you don't fit the cookie-cutter you get scorned and left behind. But that doesn't mean you don't have something very valuable to add to society or the people around you. They just need the eyes to see.
@@pourpeopledrinks No worries! 😃 being thanked like this makes me feel wonderful so thank you for thanking me!
I really appreciate you pointing out that untreated trauma can be a chronic condition that is absolutely brain-altering! such an affirming and empathetic point - that I’m going to try to remember next time I’m annoyed with a friend for being late.
If you are "always late" go make a test for ADHD! Yes, especially if you are an adult.
I am and have almost no other symptoms for ADHD. Definitely don't have it. Not always linked :)
@@lyrielswaine7466 That is nice ;)
@@lyrielswaine7466 Thanks! I agree. It has been said many times that Timebenders exhibit some of the symptoms of ADHD. However, there are many other symptoms of ADHD which do not correlate with Timebending - see these "Symptoms of Adult ADHD" listed in this extract from the NHS website:-
Some specialists have suggested the following as a list of symptoms associated with ADHD in adults:
• carelessness and lack of attention to detail
• continually starting new tasks before finishing old ones
• poor organisational skills
• inability to focus or prioritise
• continually losing or misplacing things
• forgetfulness
• restlessness and edginess
@@gracepacie4940 I'm sorry? 0:55 you begin listing traits of supposed "timebenders" - your own words in the video completely contradict your comment here. Your description of a "Timebender" is literally a description of an adult with ADHD.
Long ago, the four nations lived together in harmony. Then, everything changed when the Fire Nation attacked. Only the Timebender, master of time, could stop them, but when the world needed him most, he was late.
🤣
I LOVE THIS XD!
This is funny on so many levels XD
I'm an extremely conscientious "time bender" I do care and I can't just be punctual or late depending on how much I "care" about something as this video suggests. Often being late for appointments that benefit me have huge consequences. For me it's a combination of health issues, time moving too fast and really struggling with constraints. I'm neat and organized in most other ways.
Funnily enough my partner who has ADHD is the time keeper and he is good at being punctual. He's quite disorganized in every other way.
It's just how people's brain's work and it has nothing to do with them being selfish or not conscientious. Maybe some people are late because they are selfish, but I've always found it a huge life challenge. I'm very good at focus and do get engrossed in things. I'm better at endurance projects and long-term achievement rather than daily mediocre achievements.
Totally understand what you’re saying. But….🙂 I’m going to preface this by saying I’m quite lenient when it comes to people being late. But the problem is that, for example, friends who are habitually late to social events are not keeping in mind that their lateness causes a a great deal of grief to those who expect them to be at least somewhat on time. Hence, giving the impression they simply do not care enough, and it’s difficult for me to see it in any other light other than pure selfishness. I put up with a friend for 30 years who repeatedly was late to everything. The time she kept me waiting in a parking lot for 3 hours for a day trip we were making was infuriating, but I kept my cool outwardly, inward I was fuming because it shortened the fun we were supposed to be having by 3 whole hours.
This comment
@@rocksinmyhead I think most people who are chronically late are aware of how it negatively affects others, believe me we are constantly told this, and beat themselves up about it which leads to low self-esteem and depression. But no amount of "caring more" is going to fix this because it's most likely undiagnosed ADHD, not personality traits that can be changed like this videos suggests
@@rocksinmyhead You're using a pretty extreme and specific example (3 hours late) to undermine a message of compassion.
It's also a poor example because it's not delineated from several communication issues and other selfishness mixed in the event that are separate to the topic of lateness.
I've stopped being friends with a couple of people who were regularly 4hrs late to visiting or even showed up randomly the next day! There is a time where that's a level of mental health that is an emergency and you can't be expected to endure extreme "lateness" that is beyond late but like the other person is in another universe. They need help. That is more likely a crisis, drug use, or something severe when we are dealing with HOURS. Plus it sounds like they communicated very poorly if you were waiting in a carpark.
If I was personally running so late the person would know about it and have the opportunity to go somewhere else to eat/rest etc. Nothing worse than having someone late BUT TELL YOU NOTHING SO YOU SIT THERE UNCOMFORTABLE FEELING LIKE A FOOL. That is selfish and just unfair to you. I wouldn't put up with that.
But that's the thing. You have been hurt over this event with a friend, and you saw my comment as an opportunity to vent about that. BUT 😃 as you say - it's a bit of a red herring to the conversation. Derailing it into extreme territory.
In my case most of my lateness is generally 10mins. A few times 30-40 max on rare times (mortifying!) and beyond that I would just cancel myself out of the situation even if they said they could wait. I don't expect or demand them to. Communication and respect is constantly happening. That's the key difference.
My reasons are chronic health issues. I've been on time and then have to throw up, clean my teeth and then try again to get out. Many things like that.
Other reasons is feeling unwell and being unwell for so long is painful. It's traumatic being very sick. So that makes the issue worse.
My partner since 2012 he helps me, is patient, and drives slowly + carefully to avoid nausea. But often we have to stop, or I have a flashback that holds up time and makes us late.
The example you used is a bad one because it's not delineated
@@stariadreamtea I did use a single example and stated that it was just an example, but it’s not the worst, and that person has not been the only person to do this to me and others around me as well. To not be notified especially after an hour, two hours, three hours, and not have calls answered is certainly extreme, but apparently not uncommon because I’ve had this happen around me a lot. Also, I did say I was quite lenient. I’m letting people know precisely how it looks and feels to others, maybe it can help them to at least pick up the phone to say, hey I’m ok, but am going to be late.
Interested parties may want to look into ADHD. We’re often time-blind, late, or hyperfocused.
I need to look into her research... because there could be serious confounding variables (aka a diagnosis of ADHD). Timeblindess & hyperfocus are common traits.
@@lparkes5 Def! This vid felt incomplete not having accounted for or mentioned ADHD at all.
@@nicoleleafty2479 Totally agree
I had no idea this was tied to ADD. I've always felt ashamed for being so undisciplined. People in the past despised me for being late bc they thought I was being disrespectful to them. Ugh.
@@lparkes5 yeah, it did seem to make a conclusion about one’s behaviors without considering the root cause of the behaviors. Just categorizing being late or disorganized as being unconscientious doesn’t address how people can fix it for themselves.
The personality traits of a so called time benders is really undiagnosed adult ADHD. A common aspect of adult ADHD is a condition known as ‘time blindness’, wherein these individuals do not experience the passage of time as would a neurotypical person experience it. The reason people with time blindness can be on time for certain things and not others is directly related to the degree to which the upcoming event is connected to their survival. The really important stuff is adhered to, while the superfluous, or that which is perceived as superfluous, tends to become invisible to the mind that it is trapped in a kind of survival mode.
Hear! Hear!
That’s exactly what I was thinking when I was watching the video! “Undiagnosed adult ADHD”
*Very much true! I have actually been diagnosed with ADD & I consider myself what this video calls a time-bender. Sometimes I can't make it on time even when it is very important to me, though. Which is why I watched this video, to try and help myself.*
Yeah, I was watching this and thinking "isn't this just ADHD?"
My thoughts exactly!
There’s some really interesting stuff here for sure, but I really wish they talked more about how this can also intersect with ADHD, Autism, and time-blindness. I’m Autistic and ADHD and I’ve spent my whole life being ruthlessly punished for my lateness by people who were convinced that I could do it if I just tried harder. It is true that with intense concerted effort I can take measures to occasionally be on time or less late to something extremely important, usually with a lot of outside help, but I cannot sustain that for very long because it is extremely draining in the same way that many neurotypical people can say run a marathon with a lot of extra effort, but doing it every day would be insane for anyone except *maybe* an Olympic-level athlete. With hard work I have made some improvements, but for me it’s debilitating and it has cost me schooling, jobs, even relationships. I’m not doing this because I don’t feel like trying. I try extremely hard and my results look like what would happen if someone else wasn’t trying at all. The idea that it can be fixed by just trying harder may be helpful and inspiring for neurotypicals, but it doesn’t match my reality, and saying that without explaining that that’s not true for everyone feels like an invitation for people like me to continue to be treated like we’re doing this on purpose and punished and shunned.
Omg… I feel so seen. You wrote out my entire life. It is such a relief to feel validated and know that I’m not the only one. All my life every single activity made me feel absolutely horrible because I would try my best and then be late and have to profusely apologize and put myself down. I’m 23. Do people think you can go that long missing things you really care about because you are constantly late because you aren’t trying hard enough?
I wish I could prove to everyone how much I really care about them and how hard I’m trying… I know that I’m living a much more stressful and straining life and trying harder than most people and yet people think I am not trying at all. It makes me feel so defeated and hopeless.
💖❤️🙏🏾🙏🏾💯
To me, it feels like this invisible force keeping me from being on time. Even though I wake up 3 hrs earlier and leave early. Could be roadwork, car accident, mostly scrolling on my phone, doing chores, etc. I even have awareness of how much time passed. So far, I hate it & have been working on it.
I have recently realized that I like “outside pressure/routines”. What that means is I do better with my days if my kids need to be to school or I have a meeting every week at the same time. When I don’t have others expecting me I can’t schedule myself well and waste time like crazy. I don’t like being late and it has been harder with each added child I have. I have 4.
Alarms in my phone help me not miss school pick up and dance classes. But if it isn’t a consistent thing each week then it is harder. I also figured started the deadline thing but still struggle to keep dead lines I set for myself.
Look up ADHD, especially if you're a woman as the stereotype about it is based on the symptoms socially disruptive boys usually exhibit.
I once had a dear friend who was chronically and markedly late for everything. It was a running joke amongst their friends. If we wanted them there at 2 pm, we'd say come at 1:30... or even 1. This person was otherwise a fantastic friend and lateness was their only problematic trait. What I figured out to avoid trouble was to not ever put myself in a position where their lateness would negatively affect me. So I didn't allow myself to run late or miss anything because of their tardiness. I never sat and wasted my time waiting for them. I always had something at hand to do. And if there was an event or a plane or train starting or leaving at promptly X time, I let them be responsible for getting themselves there and I was never in a position where it was a problem for me if they didn't. And there were indeed times when I left without them or they missed out because they arrived too late. I took no offense nor did I suffer any consequences for their behavior and we were good friends for a long time until I moved away. An elegant solution. Final note - I do this with few people in my life and only on the personal side. In business, I give a 5 minute grace period, but otherwise I expect people to be on time and if they aren't we have a chat. I do note that some people today think it's perfectly acceptable not to show up and later say, oh sorry, blah blah excuse excuse. They get cut off fast.
Late people just lack discipline and empathy, you better avoid those if possible, if they seem to have empathy beware theyre probably faking it
I'm definitely a time bender. I believe there are multiple factors contributing to it. 1) I don't notice the passage of time while concentrating. 2) I'm optimistic about how long mundane tasks take and I forget to factor in things I don't care about that other people do. Like I think I just have to put on my shoes and leave, but my wife thinks I need to comb my hair, put on pants, etc.
I'm also very relaxed about a thing until I decide it's time. I'll lay there apathetic until I've decided it's time to go, then to hell with anything else, it's time to go, pants or whatever is not happening.
Yes, unfortunately society says you must wear those pants!! Lol 😆
I feel so seen with this video as a time bender. I can have an amazingly accurate sense of timing when it matters and there's some pressure that causes me to focus. Other times I get distracted by something interesting and lose 20 minutes in the blink of an eye. I'm chronically late to social functions but have never missed a flight or a train. It's nice to see some of the science behind this trait I've had my whole life.
Thanks Josh. Plenty more information in my book and TED Talk.
I don't want to diagnose you, because that's not something I can do from your comment - however, you might want to do some research into ADHD, because you sound exactly like me, and I was diagnosed in 2020 with all the traits;)
Everyone can lose track of time when doing something interesting.
I’d love it if there were a part two!
I have dyslexia and am terrible with time and space. I really don’t think it’s part of my personality, but might be wrong. Would love to learn more
Hello from a fellow dyslexic time bender! I often feel like I regularly under estimate how long tasks are going to take me to do like when getting ready to go out, plus being a procrastinator doesn't help. My issues with literacy were solved quite easily when I was a kid but my problems with maths and sequencing persisted and I feel that's what contributes to lateness. I don't think it means I am less conscientious because I get really stressed and feel really guilty when I am late.
It may be worth looking into ADHD, it often co-occurs with dyslexia and can cause "time-bending" or as it's said in ADHD terms, "time blindness"
Maybe watch my TED talk or read my book? It's a big subject, which can't be properly explained in a few soundbites - though this BBCReel video is a great way of getting the discussion out there.
A lot of people have mentioned ADHD, but you may also benefit from looking into Dyspraxia, which is less talked about. I have Dyspraxia and a lot (if not all) dyslexia traits. I was told its pretty common to have one and then lots of traits for the other.
I have a friend who is always 2 hours late or more when she comes to visit me. This happens even when she initiates the visit and I let her pick the date and time. It's very irritating, but over the years I've gotten used to it and just accept it. It is part of who she is. I on the other hand am always on time. It is very important to me to be on time. I am very conscientious about most things especially if it involves other people, but my desk is usually messy, I'm not a neat freak. lol!
Same here. I am not neat or organised. Can't decide what to buy in clothes etc, just confused about certain things. Can't decide. But very punctual if I've given other people certain time. Don't want to keep them waiting because I hate waiting. I've had such a friend too but i gave her a earful once after waiting for one hour on the road for her. She stopped doing it after that. Haha
@@lycralily That's the key. "Don't want to keep them waiting because I hate waiting."
I score "very high" in conscientiousness per my personality testing at UC Berkeley. Yet, I'm frequently late. Pretty sure it has more to do with the ADHD than my personality traits.
I've never missed a flight (I've taken hundreds of them), never been late to pick up a child, never late to weddings, funerals, etc., but I've missed subways, buses, been late to work, been late to my first class (never the classes after that) and repeatedly.
EDIT: I did miss one flight, but that wasn't due to being 'late' it was because a flash flood occurred on the highway, and water started filling the taxi, and I had to get on on the freeway, put my luggage over my head, and walk to safety in shin deep water.
I'm the same! ADHD also..When it's important..you BET MY ASS ILL BE THERE, haha but if it feels somewhat important..and "okay" to be late... catch me walking in 5 minutes late 🤣
I'd like to see the data on this, because I have high consciousness too, but mine is mixed with somewhat high neuroticism (OCD), so I over prepare and need to finish everything if possible before moving on. That makes me late.
To me it's not that it doesn't matter, it's that it can matter too much
Yup. ADHD
@@jessicamerced9116 Yes! When it really matters, I'm there and people know that they can count on me.
@@kristae.7686 Interesting. Yes, some things can matter too much to me, as well, and while I've been known to be late to work, I have no problem working late to make certain things are complete, executed well, and that everything is ready for the following day. I've rather self-directed and reliable to get things done, and to do them well.
On neuroticism, I score low. I've joked a few times that I score so low on neuroticism that it's a good thing I score "very high" in conscientiousness because if I didn't, I might end up being a psychopath. That is a terrible joke, but it's funny to me because not only is it not true, I have a a high degree of emotional empathy for others (including total strangers), which is the antithesis of psychopathy. I view empathy for others as a strength, where as psychopaths and sociopaths view it as weakness and they try to exploit it. Even when no one is looking, I never exploit others. It doesn't even enter my mind to do so, especially those who are most vulnerable.
OCD has some good qualities, too, albeit I can see how some can be frustrating for the person with it.
Unfortunately, timekeeping is more complicated than this video shows it ...
I have autism, and a side effect of that is a love of firm routine.
However, I also have a co-morbid condition called "Executive Functioning Disorder".
EFD means that the part of the brain that is responsible for analyzing a task, breaking it down into smaller steps and organizing these into a to-do-list is under-developed.
This means that I struggle with prioritizing the bigger tasks (get ready for work vs check emails and the news), and then I struggle to effectively deduce the smaller tasks within a larger task (get ready for work = shave & bathe, make the bed, eat breakfast, get dressed, make sure I have everything I need for the day, leave the house on time to get to the office on time).
So some people (particularly those with cognitive impairments, be it a learning disability or acquired traumatic brain damage) might just naturally suck at timekeeping due to EFD ... and there is very little that can be done about it, other than make people aware of your EFD and explain what causes it and how it affects you!
I'm on the spectrum, and while I'm smart, I tested below average for executive function. But no one ever explained it further, and I just never linked it to time management. What you described feels very accurate
@@IamCree the trick I found is to have little hacks to easy EFD, like I know I suck at getting ready in the morning so I have my toiletries and bathrobe staged at the foot of my bed and my clothes hanging on the back of my bedroom door to ease getting shaved&bathed and dressed in the morning!
EFD is the worst. I'd rather deal with all of my ADHD at 10x difficulty but without the EFD aspect of it. The worst part about EFD is your trying looks to others like you're not trying at all, and that people yell at you for it and put your self esteem extremely low. We can get through this.
I'm definitely a time-bender apart from being messy and I tend to be on-time for social gatherings and job interviews (of course), but late for everything else. I find myself always trying to beat the clock and things always seem to come up at the worst times- like suddenly needing to do a #2 when I need to leave for something.
My attitude towards a time commitment is different based on what is at stake. If I am meeting someone, or going to a meeting, the possibility of inconveniencing other people weighs on me a lot and so I am almost obsessively prompt. If I am the only one to suffer from being late, then I am much more likely to procrastinate or miss a deadline that I have set for myself.
Maybe there's something wrong with the people who expect absolute consistency everyday? Everyone has had that boss who's all over you for no better reason than you showed up to work 5 minutes later than they expected. It's kinda pitiful, I feel bad for bosses like that
Yeah I can see the value of being on time, but it doesn't have to be that strict, or have such harsh consequences. People aren't robots
I'm amazed at how well the first half of the video described me, but then I realized that I'm always on-time or a few minutes early to nearly everything. I'm the kind of person that can forget to eat lunch because I'm so engrossed in a programming project or logic puzzle for work or a hobby. When she said that you can choose to make a deadline to force yourself to take even social events seriously, just like work deadlines that have consequences, I realized that I've done this to myself most of my life.
This was a remarkable video, showing me why some of my friends who are so similar to me just can't show up on time for any social gatherings, even when we can't start the game until we have everyone there. They never learned this technique of setting a deadline for themselves. Great video!
This was so interesting!! I’m 100% a time bender and try very hard to always be on time, however getting a daily routine down is very hard for me. So everyday I struggle to get to work on time ( thankfully my co workers and managers love leaving early so they can’t really say much) but it definitely is my toxic trait. I’m also messy, but now I make time to tidy my desk at work, the only thing that has stayed consistent throughout my life is my need to put anything I can in color order. My pen cup at work, my closet, my shoes, anything colorful I will try to organize by color.
Look up ADHD, especially if you're a woman (less likely to display stereotype hyperactivity symptoms).
I also struggle with my morning routine. Always late to work! While I've struggled essentially my entire life with this, I always work really hard and find that my supervisors are more impressed with what I get done than really caring that I'm late. Luckily at my present job there are so many people that show up late, I'm just one of them! They do because of the relaxed work environment, not because of their personality
Sounds like ADHD or Aspergers to me. Lining things up by color is an Aspergers thing. Time blindness is both. A much better diagnosis than "toxic".
Yes, I’d ditch the word “toxic” and consider that your brain just has a hard time with executive functioning. Have a read about ADHD and Autism too, you might find it resonates.
I strongly strongly suggest you get tested for ADHD! I mean it!
There is a lot of me in this video :-) Interesting point about deadlines though. I would never say "I can be on time when it matters" as firstly that is pretty tactless and secondly it's not that simple.
To me it's more like there are 'hard' and 'soft' deadlines - so a 'hard' deadline might be catching a train or submitting a piece of work at college or the office. If you miss that deadline the consequences are pretty clear-cut or 'binary' if you like. Most deadlines in life are 'softer', let's be honest - no-one really minds if you walk into the pub at 8.05 instead of 8.00, so that deadline is not foremost in your mind if you decide to grab a shower or drag a brush through your hair before setting out. It's not like your friends "don't matter", it's just that you're not necessarily thinking of the knock-on effects when you decide to brush your hair or whatever...
A lot of those things describe me well, but I’ve always been pretty good about being on time to things. I’ve learned to take note of exactly how long my typical tasks take. How long does it take me to go to the gym and back? How long do I take to eat breakfast? To shower and dress? Etc. Only then I can correctly calculate when I need to wake up to be ready on time to get to whatever appointment I may have. Determining how long it will take to get to my appointment is also important (and adding at least 10 minutes to what the phone’s map estimates, just in case, or more if winter weather is possible). I also always wear a watch. I also keep an alarm on when for it’s time to leave to get my kid from school.
What I haven’t been able to fix is “wait mode” in my mind. When I know I need to be somewhere important, I won’t do any tasks because I’m worried I’ll lose track of time. So I waste time, not doing anything valuable.
Very relatable. The chances of me being on time are higher when I have to be somewhere early. Lately I set an alarm just before I have to go somewhere, it really helps. It also makes me more relaxed.
This "wait mode" you described is how I spend a majority of my time. I have never had someone else in my life who did the same thing. I'm HEAVILY judged for it and perceived as lazy sometimes.
Ok, here's a suggested remedy. 1) If you have 20mins or less wait time before you leave the house, then leave early. Even if you'll just need to wait somewhere else you can always use the time waiting at the station etc by unscribing to spam emails from your phone, or learning a new language through an app, or buying your friends birthday cards in advance for the next year etc. Anything distracting is perfect as when your train comes, or your friend arrives etc you'll have to stop and can't go over time. 2) Longer than 20mins then set yourself a timed challenge so that you'll have 20 mins left, eg if you have 30 mins set a 7min timer to bag up rubbish to take out as you leave, try to beat the clock by going as fast as you can. Imagine that the world ends if you do not complete this mission and everyone is rooting for you but the timer only stops once you're outside your home.
I feel so seen in your comment just now. If I didn't have all these timers and buffer times, I'd be late to just absolutely everything. Your point about "waiting mode" meeeee toooo.
Do you ever feel like when you are deep into working mode, and someone interrupts you, that now it feels like starting all over again?
That sounds like a common symptom of ADHD.
I used to be the late one until I moved to another country for university. The other day I asked my childhood friends, "Do you remember, I used to be always an hour late?", and they didn't. It is funny to me, that now I am known to be organized, decisive and confident "by nature", when it definitely isn't the case. I am pretty good with changing habits that I don't like in myself, and I think that we can actually use "self-fulfilling prophesies" to our advantage by changing people's perceptions of us.
I stopped being friends with someone because they were always late and very blasé about other people's time as if we don't have lives of our own. This wasn't some casual friend either, we were friends for about 10 years. They would do things like message me at the time their train was pulling into the station and I was there waiting, to tell me they had missed that train and it was a 40 minute train ride. I was late to so many things because of them, plays, films etc.
Good for you. You deserve a friendship with someone who respects you more than this. Sorry you missed experiences and opportunities because of this person’s constant disregard for respecting your time.
In my opinion people are late for a reason. The psychological payoff for being late is to feel unconscious shame. People who feel shame often have an unconscious sense of being unwanted, which usually has its genesis in early childhood. Because shame is relational - it can only be experienced in relation to others - the shamed ones among us will often and reliably engineer moments where they feel bad about themselves, if only for a short while. Because it confirms to them how they truly feel about themselves inside, especially the very young part of themselves. The shamed can appear otherwise successful and happy, in the same way many depressed people can be high functioning individuals. Shame is a deeply profound and powerful state that generally gets no real attention or acknowledgement.
Very interesting.
I have a friend who has always been late to every meeting we've had. Not 10 minutes, more like 45 minutes to over an hour. It has been so frustrating that I stopped meeting her for about a year. I recently started meeting her again and I decided to tell her that it is very disrespectful that she has done that time and time again. She took no responsibility and started to get very defensive. At this point, I do believe it is a form of a mental condition. I still love her very much. And I'm sure it has caused her challenges in her life.
I feel like the time bending aspect of this video is quite accurate but they don’t really acknowledge neurodivergence at all which makes things a little too general.
For example when they talk about people who run late being less worried about it’s consequences in daily life.
I would say that for myself the opposite is true, I am paralysed by the potential consequences of running late, contributing to my further lateness. I experience a huge amount of guilt and shame as a result which takes more time to talk myself through.
Having inattentive type ADHD gets me distracted mid way through tasks, I create systems on top of systems and then get confused about which system I’m following, so to just tell people to be more organised and schedule their days properly seems a to me to be quiet an oversight.
Absolutely this. I care too much not too little and as a result I panic and freeze. I am very much a people pleaser type of person and upsetting people terrifies me, as well as having a great deal of anxiety about thing going wrong, so it's absolutely not true that I don't feel that things have repercussions. Every time I have to leave the house I have routines and lists that I write myself. I leave way longer than I should need to get ready. I even start getting things ready the night before to minimise what I will have to do before leaving.
I am autistic and have ptsd, anxiety and dissociation and those things all interplay to create complete time blindness and executive dysfunction and despite all my planning I inevitably find myself wandering aimlessly around the house in a panic, trying to work out what the heck I'm supposed to be doing. I also don't have any ability at all to judge how long things will take so I have to rely completely another people for that. Generally someone will get irritated with me once it becomes obvious that I'm running late again and then my brain totally freezes up and makes matters worse. Contrary to the video, the more pressure there is, the harder it is to be on time! I almost always eventually leave the house with a paralyzing sense of anxiety that I haven't done everything that I needed to do and have probably forgotten to bring something I needed, even though I have checked off everything on my list that I made ahead of time.
I wish people could experience what it feels like to have to plan ahead of time meticulously, start getting ready with way more time than should be needed, honestly try your best, despite building panic, to stay on track, and yet never ever manage to not be late, before they glibly state 'you would be on time if it really mattered to you'!
Yes... The video kinda made it look like people with time blindness just "don't care enough" about the appointment. And, good news - you can just "shape up"! I wish it were that simple.
I have adhd and I think everyone with adhd has time blindness but I didnt know other people can have it too.
I liked it and I kinda wish you would of talked about some of the benefits of being a time bender.
I have so much anxiety about going anywhere (work every day) that I want to look/be perfect before I go & have everything done at home as well. I can start off hours ahead of schedule & end up rushing & even more tense.
Man! I’m so sorry you feel that way! I think perfection is like utopia the closer you get the further away you really are. Having some hair out of place or an untidy house or make up not done or whatever is so much better then if all those things were perfect but you are dead inside. It’s like wanting to reach perfection ensures you will in fact be unhappy and that is the farthest away from perfect.
I stayed for the entire video bc he said “punctually challenged” 😭💯
Well, I wasn't late at watching this Reel. Haha. Darn good info. Thank you, Dan.
It seems like, no matter how well I have planned things, something will always take far longer than it should, which in turn means I have to hear "why are you late again?" a lot of the time...
yeahhhh... these "tricks" never work for me. When there's a firm "deadline" with "consequences" I just freak out which results in me being lateR!
This would be my mother. I once remember asking my grandma if my mother was typically late even when she was growing up to different things. Her reply was, "Honey, she was late coming out of the womb."
My time blindness was a symptom of ADHD. It makes cognitive tasks hyperfocus if im invested and unbelievably time consuming if im not invested. (As with anything, it can be worked on, but ADHD often comes up with time tasks and deadlines and that sort of thing).
You can define anything as part of your personality, then change it.
That just means it was a habit or learned behaviour.
I rarely give videos thumbs-down but unfortunately am doing so here. I think it raised some interesting points and sparked nice dialogue but was woefully inadequate in addressing the topic. What he described explains maybe 5% of time-benders? But for the most of us there are MANY more root causes or factors involved. Like, having ADHD/autism. I could probably write a book detailing what goes through my head, the nitty-gritty of what goes down when I'm trying to get out of the house, lol. actually probably should. it might be interesting to have it laid out rather than experiencing it in a confused rushed mess.
Anyway, I know it's a six-minute youtube video... but there's SO much more he could've at least touched on. I feel like people who do not have this issue will walk away from this video with a flimsy, narrow perception of us. "Oh, so they're just lazy people who don't care enough or don't face enough consequences. they just have to try and change their personality, that's all."
Precisely. Well said.
@@blue.orangeade lol forgot about this comment I wrote at 4 in the morning. but thank you 🙂
Here for this video because I used to be the super punctual person. Always 15-20 mins early.
Then over the years, I've become more lax. Started to just be exactly on time. I won't miss a flight, train, or the start of a show. But generally, other things have a better lateness tolerance.
The pandemic was the final nail in the coffin. Now I'm 15-20 mins late to everything. My concept of how long it takes me to do anything is completely obliterated. I also learned that I drag feet a lot when the task is something that I don't want to do.
Getting back to on time means saying no to things I don't want to do. And getting really honest with myself about how long I take to complete a task.
Same with me. Before this pandemic I was extremely punctual. In the past year not loving what I do mostly due to management being horrible. Ever since ,I subconsciously have put less effort to being there early. Not intentionally. Just haven’t been truly happy since I lost my job due to the pandemic before starting my current one. Before I go back to doing what I was doing, I am working on doing what makes me happy on my own rather than working for another corporation. Trauma would most likely be the case for me.
You might enjoy my TED Talk ruclips.net/video/HDQQy2bq3yQ/видео.html
I am always late. I always think, that in just 1hour I can do activities, which normally last at least 3h 🤦♀️ A year ago or so I read that it's a dysfuntion of some ppl minds 😳
Yeah, double check that you don't have ADHD/ADD. This sounds pretty ADHD, but it could be other things too.
This is SO me! The worst part is I've spent my entire life trying to fix it. After all these years, and being a 30+ year meditator, I believe there is a LOT more at play here than just how the brain works. The part about Time Benders not experiencing time as others do - the duration of one minute or an hour being inconsistent and surprisingly elastic -is a clue. The study of quantum physics is revealing that time really IS inconsistent and elastic! Could Time Benders be experiencing quantum behavior on a macro scale?...
No, the time between neurons firing increases and decreases, much like a modern day CPU clock decreasing frequency and going into power save mode or thermal throttling. Your metronome isn't always the same speed but the notes on the sheet music are being played the same.
Those "time benders?" They have ADHD. That's it. Timeblindness is a symptom of having an executive dysfunction like ADHD. If you feel like that's you, do yourself a favor and get tested.
I had a friend who used her ethnicity as an excuse for being late. I tolerated her behavior for years because it was usually recreational activities that were involved. I would let her choose the time to meet to depart and yet she was never ready. She finally made us late for a series of very important events that she pleaded with me to attend with her. I already had plans to attend alone but changed them to accommodate her. That put me at her mercy and being late caused me serious problems. I stopped making plans with her and our friendship died. Not only was she chronically late, she was resentful and nasty when tactfully informed about how it affected me. I thought her disrespectful and deeply unkind by wasting my precious time. Ironically, she spoke of how precious HER time was to HER.
I agree with the difference in the perception of the passing of time. As for a lack of conscientiousness & a simple need to change habits? Seems like outdated advice given to people (like myself) who most likely have ADHD & need an entirely different toolbox.
We have that thing in my country. We actually calls it the "Filipino Time", arriving late to anything, ranging from 10 minutes to 2 hrs.
I thought that it was an inherent trait of Filipinos but I was shocked to see in RUclips that Mexicans also do it, Colombians to some extent and generally the Latin American countries. In addition to that, Spanish people are also known to be late as I watched in a RUclips video in a Spanish-learning channel. That's so shocking to know, since most other Asian countries don't practice this "lateness" unlike the Philippines. Philippines, being a colony of Spain may have contributed to this behavior.
And it's just wrong for us to call it a Filipino time if the natives don't really practice it before not until the Spanish taught us their ways.
I dunno about South East Asian countries, but South Asian countries definitely practice this. IST is called "Indian Stretchable Time" for a reason, lol!
@@whydoineedanameiwillneverp7790 Did you know in the Philippines, since your Indian. We have a term here called "indianin" or in English is "to indian". This is when someone doesn't appear or doesn't come in the meeting place. I don't know why we called it "mang-indian" or "indianin" or why we related this behavior to indians. Most Indians here are actually in the lending businesses.
Thai time too.
Africans, Arabs, Desis, Southeast Asians, the Spanish, you name it. They all have this too lol, it's nice to see the overlap. I guess everyone has a version of this except Americans, Europeans and East Asians.
Good heavens, the description of a “time bender” describes me perfectly, almost frighteningly so. However, I reject the notion that I am therefore not “conscientious.” I believe I am very conscientious, but end up often being late despite that. It’s a constant struggle. Another thing: Often it seems to me that I am late no matter how much I do to prevent it. I can leave at two o’clock for an appointment at three o’clock, and I end up being ten to twenty minutes late. But I swear, even if I leave at nine o’clock in the morning for that 3:00 p.m. appointment, I STILL am ten to twenty minutes late. Something always happens! Not always, of course, but often enough that it’s extremely frustrating-for myself and others. I sometimes think I’d get along a lot better in one of the countries that do not put such an emphasis on punctuality. I’m a human, not a clock!
💯
I have watched so many people at my job get fired simply for chronic lateness. Even after opportunities to improve, even with the looming threat of termination, they still fail.
Hasn’t any of these people thought that they might have ADHD? 😂 these are all very well-known qualities in people with ADHD.
How does it help to label oneself an insulting word like lazy, crazy, stupid, sick with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder which repeated enough times in your mind or by people can destroy their minds, identity, personality, personal brand and their lives whereas they can learn to be organized in non insulting ways with non insulting words invented by people who pretend to be helpful psychologists when they are in fact unhelpful toxic negative cons who shame people and tell them their brains work against them and they keep repeating those insults and scary accusations until they become reality
@@ytb8361 No. Being diagnosed helps people to get support, like coaching and therapy. And yes, even medication. Also you can learn coping mechanisms from other people, and find peer support.
ADHD is more than being late. There's struggles like Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, sleep problems, lack of object permanenence... Finding out about all those pieces without a diagnosis can easily take a lifetime.
Besides, most ADHDers have been called with nasty labels all their life before diagnosis, it can actually help to let go of all that shame.
nope, just happens to overlap.
@@ytb8361 listing ADHD in with words like "lazy" and "crazy" is incredibly ableist. Educate yourself and do better.
@@ytb8361 ADHD is not an "insulting word" it's a diagnosis that can be incredibly helpful for people in getting the help they need
It’s good for timebenders to learn to improve their ability to timekeep. But why should timekeepers just be all righteous and judge us and not adapt like we do to them?
Yes!
Hear hear. Timebenders have a number of positive characteristics too. We are flexible, responsive and adaptable, and we'll drop what we are doing to help out if we can. See my TED Talk ruclips.net/video/HDQQy2bq3yQ/видео.html
watching this, while working on a task which is 10 days overdue...
I had the deadline, but perhaps the consequences was not serious enough.
From my experience, creative tasks such as writing an essay or song can be strongly associated with perfectionism and the combinded two can lead to serious procrastination or constant interim revisions, which makes it impossible to finish the task. And as a hobby musician, I don't have a deadline to finish a song, hence almost no song is completely finished.
Disappointed ADHD/ADD wasn't even mentioned. Of which time blindness is a reality for many people with it. I understand what the video is going for, but I'm not sure how I feel about these traits being a measure of one's "personality" and "conscientious."
Scoring very high on Big-5 Conscientiousness isn't exactly a good thing. I know everybody thinks high scores are better, but this is not one of those kinds of tests. Ask yourself what term you would use to describe low conscientiousness? Answer:
.
.
.
Spontaneous. Is that what you thought? Or was it something negative?
Asked my boss for more timers for work. She said we don't need any. And I just said, "you just told me to be more mindful of time because I'm always late. I'm am asking you for 2 more tools to help me on track" she didn't want to order. So I put a timer on for on the computer, unfortunately it doesnt allow "dismiss" on the lock screen and that went on for a few weeks, now we have new timers.
It's because we have ADD- time management is an enormous challenge. I have almost no concept/awareness of the passage of time.
I was a time-bender but my boss had the crazy idea that I should show up to work on time. He treated my time-bending with a dose of dis-employment. I thus made it a priority to get to work a few minutes early at my new job.
*I am a time-bender & I watched this video to try and help myself be more conscientious about punctuality. Thank you for this!*
Griselda do take a look at my TED Talk ruclips.net/video/HDQQy2bq3yQ/видео.html and book amzn.to/3dBrfdY This 6 minute video can show only 10% of the whole picture.
You could just have ADHD, time blindness is a common symptom of it.
@@blue.orangeade Hmm, interesting. While I don't have ADHD, I have been diagnosed with ADD. I wonder if the same applies?
Timebenders seem an awful lot like it's just describing ADHD.
What I hear are excuses by chronically late people for being chronically late. It is, at its core, disregard for the time and feelings of others. I would be late, too, if I didn't set alarms and commit to being where I am supposed to when I am supposed to be there. I tend to start projects late, but I meet deadlines and even finish early sometimes. Everyone is late now and then. Those who are late to work once a week are in a separate class of people. As adults they can make changes to their lives to stop this bad habit. If they WANT to.
As a timekeeper this was very interesting to me - getting to hear the other side of the story so to speak. I'm not usually very patient with time-benders so I'll try to be more understanding moving forward. Are there some people though to just deliberately bend time? Like they just don't care? I think that's why time-benders can be so frustrating to us timekeepers. It's like they're saying: Your time doesn't matter to me. I will show up when I'm damn good and ready. Now you just sit there and wait!
Idk, there might be people who dig their heels in like that because they are insensitive to others and/or want to establish a sense of control , but my guess is that you'd see additional indications of that disposition in other areas of their lives/behaviors as well. For me, getting ready to go somewhere is the worst Managing and switching between all the little tasks is exhausting and mentally difficult. I'm intelligent, but that part of my brain works differently. I'm so stressed I'll be late, and I'm trying so hard to be on time, but my brain just doesn't coordinate the tasks I have to do in a meaningful way, timewise. I'll check the clock periodically and think I have a handle on it, do a couple tasks, and next time I look at the clock, it's been three times longer than I planned or expected.
The part of the video about being able to be on time if there are consequences is inaccurate for a lot of people. The determining factor is frequency. Can you maintain the level of focus and planning necessary to be on time once for a big event verses constantly-- throughout the day on a daily basis. As someone in another comment mentioned, it often takes a surge of adrenaline to achieve and maintain the focus and speed necessary to be early or on time, and that isn't sustainable for the human body all the time. I totally understand being on the other side and feeling like late people are inconsiderate and that your time isn't valued (I would feel that way too!). And that knowledge weighs on me when I've failed to be on time for someone or something that matters to me and that I put so much effort into getting right. I care about people deeply and am very conscientious in general about how my actions impact others, so it's hard to keep putting so much effort into something, failing often, and then having those you care about think you don't care.
I have learned to call ahead to let people know if it's a day I'm running late, so at least they aren't waiting and can plan accordingly
Mel You may find it hard to believe, but most Timebenders believe they will make it on time - until they realise they won't! There is more on this in my TED Talk. ruclips.net/video/HDQQy2bq3yQ/видео.html Thanks for being open minded, rather than just berating us.
A wizard is never late, nor is he early. He arrives exactly when he means too!
It's not JUST a symptom of adhd, there are other disorders where time management can be difficult (for example autism) and other people without any disorder could have this issue just as well, nobody is the same..
Totally agree, Julie! About 10% of the population struggle with timeliness. Timebenders exhibit some of the symptoms of ADHD, but there are many other ADHD symptoms which don't correlate with Timebending - see these "Symptoms of Adult ADHD" listed in this extract from the NHS website:-
"Some specialists have suggested the following as a list of symptoms associated with ADHD in adults:-
• carelessness and lack of attention to detail
• continually starting new tasks before finishing old ones
• poor organisational skills
• inability to focus or prioritise
• continually losing or misplacing things
• forgetfulness
• restlessness and edginess"
This video is a 6 minute summary of a 200 page book, amzn.to/3dBrfdY and most of the reviewers say they've never read anything on this subject before. It's just the first step, and all these discussions are adding more understanding.
This is really interesting... Thank you BBC
My time is important to me. I don't make promises when I can't fulfill them. I think in social occasions we tend to say yes because we don't want to disappoint.
I think this video can save my life. Thank you.
I am a time-bender but I disagree with her conclusion that the reason I don’t miss things like planes is because of the consequences. It’s because I give myself a lot more time to get to the airport. I’ll tell myself to get there 2 hour in advance and almost invariably misjudge that and get there much later. Because I gave myself so much time though, I’m still on time for the plane. That strategy doesn’t really much sense when it’s for a social event. I’m unlikely to give myself 2 hours to meet up with my friends. I also noticed that when I had to go to work and I lived farther away, I was much more likely to be on time then when I lived a lot closer.
Exactly! Also, I, for example am late for literally everything, whether it's a social event or an important exam so not everyone is late as a result of there not being any consequences.
I hate employers that insist on the ideology that “to be on time is to be early.”
No it isn’t. And language is important.
If you want me there early, schedule me there earlier.
Lateness may also fall under the category of learning disability, like directional impairments or tone deafness. Things that seem obvious and easy to some of us simply don't compute with others.
Exactly. I have executive functioning problems with my brain. I have learned to be more on time but it is a constant struggle.
I struggle with promptness and also have zero sense of direction. The easy access to GPS and Google maps has been life changing! I wonder if time management and directional awareness are located similarly in the brain.
@@spiralali Direction problems and tardiness may be related. But not in my case. I am good at directions unless they are verbal. I have trouble being early though.
@@Catlily5 At least you are trying. A lot of the people in the comments sadly are using it as their excuse to be terrible to other people. If you recognize that other people's time are valuable and strive to change your issues, then you're doing something right even if its a struggle.
Yeah just the problem is that it can't be changed just by trying harder. It can be improved with a lot of external help, but not changed. Since ADHD is how your brain is wired, you can try as hard as you like but to others it will never look like you are trying hard enough
I really like how these perspective were explored! Sometimes the only control people feel they have show up like this! It is as important understanding why people are so bothered if someone is late !
I actually don't understand why people are so bothered at tardiness. It's not as if they're important. Maybe it shakes their worldview of being the center of the universe, which they then reflect off of the other person... "so you think you're special?" No, do you think *you're* so special? (Yes). So much of life is tiptoeing around other people's self sense of importance.
@@joec.2768 Well said! The people I hear comment about being late also have a long long list of grievances...
Yes, and someday I'll quit needing these glasses once I remember to focus harder and enough.
This is exactly the video I needed 😭 I'm always late for everything
As a person who is often a little late, I NEVER commit to a specific time. This is especially relevant where I live, as the traffic is so incredibly impossible to predict that you need a 10-15 window or you will always find yourself literally flushing an additional 15 minutes down the toilet for every appointment you have by overworking to not be late. So if someone wants to meet me for lunch I will agree to 12/12:15ish. I think another side of this which needs exploring is peoples overly anal need to be early. To me, showing up to someone's house or even a scheduled meeting early is really really irritating. If they are coming to my house, I already told them when it was ok to show up - any time AFTER that is ok, before that is just rude. If it is a meeting in a public place, they will invariably tell me they showed up early which makes me feel like it's my fault they've been waiting even if I showed up on time.
I totally agree about people showing up to my house early. That annoys the heck out of me.
Your personality, your use of words and your mentality through words are also understood
Actually, my friends learnt from me not to rush and take their time and that it isn't so very important to be on time...
Nah I think this is a little bit stereotypical. I can be both very organized and non organized. I used to be on time before and I would complete school assingments right after school. Then at some point I got to a school where a lot of people were late and at some point started being late myself. Now I notice that even when I'm trying to leave early something always happens - I hurt my toe, drop hot coffee on my hand or just get so much stress that I just don't manage to leave on time. The same with tasks, I procrastinate with them because I don't feel confident making them.
What really bugs me about people who are on time is that they think they are much better people than the ones who arelate but no it isn't written in my genes it's just that I've lost my confidence and are shy of people like you and I think THAT is the reason why I'm late - I'm just too ashamed of showing up because I don't like myself.
Oh and I still organize my desk. I can't focus with a messy table.
Oh and just because you might have a season of being late in your life doesn't mean you're always gonna be that way.
I'm watching this while I'm late and on my way to work
I almost convinced myself that I keep a tidy desk, which I do! Problem is, that desk is at the office and Iʻve been working from home for most of the pandemic. Now my dining room table on the other hand😅 (where Iʻve actually been working the past 2 years)
It boils down, as far as I'm concerned, to just being inconsiderate to others. If you are making all the other people wait because you can't set a reasonable time to leave to be there on time, YOU JUST DON'T CARE!!! And, as you can see, it really makes some people mad, and I'm one of them.
Whenever I arrive either early or on time, I am made to wait.
But then when I’m late everyone seems in a rush (and annoyed).
Can’t there be a little more empathy or coordination between the two types?
I had a doctors appointment recently and was told to arrive early (as they always do).
Then I sat in the lobby for about a half hour. Why make appointments and not keep them?
(I am saying this as a person who is regularly late to events I’m not looking forward to.)
I constantly look at clock all the time from habit, but I probably don't realize the passing of time without it.
I‘m always about 10-15 mins late because I always want to cram too much stuff to do into the limited time period I have. I guess that makes me a time bender. I definitely do not have ADHD, but I do have a messy desk. It's also true that I can be on time for things that "matter". I hate being early. But the result is usually you are either early or you are a tad late. I wish western society could have a more flexible perception of time. Things have changed in China but when I was growing up late for 10 mins is not counted as "late".
Why do you hate being early? Just curious.
I don’t mind being the late one. In fact, it makes me really anxious to be the first person at any sort of social event
As others have mentioned, it's narcissism. You can be on time for a train or bus, but you don't mind other people waiting on you. You are sending a message that my time is more valuable than yours. Like a doctor making you wait, eventhough you have the first appointment of the day. It's to put you in your place socially.
I’m late all the time and I am certainly not a narcissist. I realize how valuable others’ time is and I feel absolutely terrible about it when I keep someone waiting. I bust my ass to be on time when I know someone’s waiting on me. It’s a massive struggle every time and I stress myself out but sometimes I’m still late. Conversely, I’m late for work almost everyday. No one is waiting on me there.
@@MsJeanneMarie so why are you late all the time? Can't you estimate your prep and travel time accurately, set alarms, and leave 15 mins early to give you some cushion?
@JJ Rebel I think people that are late like this don’t consider the in between/transition times to hold equal weight to each activity they are squeezing every last drop out of. They see them as side by side one another w out the links so much maybe. Hmm…
@@MsJeanneMarie ADHD?
@@Call-me-Al yeup
I’m a timekeeper and even this video doesn’t give me sympathy for people who are always late.
I always used to be late but after army that definitely changed 😅
I believe there is more to this. Some humans like being late because it feeds the ego for them believing
that they are worth waiting for. It makes them feel important, but it is really selfish on their part. If you are
supposed to be somewhere at 4pm, make an effort to get there. None of us like people being late for us.
I make an effort to get places on time because I am considerate.