Narcissistic Rage - What Drives it and How to Respond
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- Опубликовано: 31 май 2024
- 0:00 Intro
0:32 One Source of Narcissistic Rage
2:03 Second Source of Narcissistic Rage
3:10 How to Respond to Narcissistic Rage
Narcissistic Rage: What Drives it and How to Respond
The topic of narcissistic rage came up in the comments, so I created this video in response. I discuss two of the major sources of narcissistic rage and how you should respond to protect yourself.
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Hello Dr Malkin. Thank you. I am ready now to learn more about my healing through your very insightful videos. I have watched them all several times.
I wonder if my echoism actually developed , not from my family experiences, but from 39 years of relationship with a psychologist/ husband / malignant narcissist. I know I stumbled along searching for the old me I used to be. I finally think I am now my real self, somewhere around a 4 or 5 on your scale of healthy narcissism.
Could it be that I was so easily trainable and duped even though I was close to normal in the beginning?
Such a coincidence to find this message, a neighbour of mine has trained to be a counsellor and does it part time, but he is a complete and obvious narcissist. What I'm getting at, is the funny thing of some narcissists getting into the therapy/psychology dimension. When he was having marital problems in the past, he was trying to fish me in and I think that maybe he wanted to start an affair with me, but I didn't go along with it. I went out for a coffee with his wife recently (I hadn't really spoke to them for years, they don't live right next door), and she told me that they had gone to maritial therapy and confessed that he would get angry and shout at her. I don't know how she can stay with him? Is she completed blind to the fact that he is a complete narcissist? Is she manipulated?
Something important for us all to remember - don't let it, or the person change us. Remember the softer side of ourselves before we met certain people who hurt or played mind games with us etc. It's always important to get back to that softer person that we used to be, don't let these experiences harden you. They are life experiences and lessons, they shape us, but they don't have to change our core true selves - the loving softer persons we are. It always feels so much more comforting, being a softer, gentler person and remembering the gentler, softer person who is deep inside us, our true authentic selves! And remember, most people are good, the bad people (who could/can inflict psychological suffering on another without empathy or a conscience) are much less in numbers than the good people out there. We have to remember all the good people out there, even the stranger who is good and not lose our innocence, our softer, gentler side.
Well said. I recall marvelling at all of the wonderful empathic normal people who helped me recover. I needed to remind myself not everyone was trying to ‘get something from me’. Not everyone was expecting me to serve their needs.
My counsellor taught me it is ok to give to others, but not if it is hurting me. I honestly was shocked. I had learned to give, all I could, all of the time.
I feared losing relationship with people; little did I know what I had was not relationship, but servitude!!
@@katievictoriabrown 💚. Fantastic. Thank you for this lovely post.
Very similar to me, I’m learning too and trying to change… it’s hard, but I think that we need to love ourselves more, and then we’ll be more comfortable with being a bit selfish sometimes (the healthy selfish). I don’t think it’s healthy for us to excessively put the needs of others before ourselves, like we have. I think self-love is the first step. But I think that all of us need to strive forwards more to self-love (that important self-esteem), we are worth it! Men and women! 🙏🏼💖✨
Thank you ☺️🙏🏼💖✨ People’s comments make me reflect and relate with my own experiences and I like to express my thoughts from my heart 🙏🏼🙏🏼✨💖✨
I've seen when people go into narcissistic rages you can try to pull away for your safety but they will "chase" after you. Either physically chasing you, sending emissaries, or verbally poking at you to try to draw you back in to a tussle.
this is so true this is down to their internal power stuggle
they rage out when their losting control over their tareget person
i used to smile at my narc mother she would rage out and say are wipe the smile right off your face
she passed away this year which is a relief grew up in a couplely fake arse lovless family instead of love all
i got from mum and dad was judgement and criticism when you have family like this you dont have loved ones you just have family
They seem to be experts at those passive aggressive remarks as you try to walk away so they provoke you to get back into an argument with them.
Hello, absolutely. Ross Rosenberg on youtube has a video "Induced Conversation' (if I recall correctly). This was a catalyst in explaining how you get baited and caught into these traps. Very enlightening.
Yes, they follow you and say things like the problem is because you always walk away and don’t like it when your feet are held to the fire. NO, I walk away because I don’t need to be yelled at, accused of things that I don’t do, talked over when I try to say something, and have the past thrown in my face. They will stand in your way if you need to get around them, stand in front of doors so you can’t leave.
This is all very helpful. Engaging with an enraged narcissist gets you nowhere. The extreme danger is when they become enraged while they’re driving. You can’t walk away. Been there too many times.
Yes! scary
It was like he enjoyed terrorizing me, driving at high speed tailgating cars in front of him I used to wake up at night in terror. Insane truly
my ex girlfriend was driving and I asked to turn the music down a little bit because I couldn't understand what she was saying as we were having a conversation and at this point she did turned it down just a tiny fraction that made no difference and then I asked her again and she said she doesn't want to because why she has to put the music down whenever I talk?Actually we were having a conversation and it wasn't just me talking.What I also noticed was that by default the music was loud and the same playlist of 15 songs played over and over for one year.Also whenever she had something to say the volume would go down accordingly..I was like wtf is this ?? And on that day I confronted her about this obviously in a polite respectful way...too bad that I have done it in her car !! She got enraged and started blaminig me that only I have things to say and it is only me that I care about and started speeding rushing towards this intersection and almost hit a car in front of us...I was frightened and asked her to pull over and let me out and she wouldn't but she started giggling and laughing and raising her eyebrows and rolling her eyes..in that moment I realised this time is over and at the next red light I just jumped out of the car and gone I was.....Only to receive a phone call later that evening to her her sweet talking me if I am ok and if she could come to my place later on to have sex and I said just no..Half an hour later she was knocking at my door calling me knocking my windows..I was like wtf this girl has no boundaries ! I should have dumped her earlier in our relationship but I ignored the red flags because I was being manipulated big time..But my lesson was learned and never ever again I will give a chance to anyone that has the tiniest tendency towards being abusive in any shape of form..
Yes, setting boundaries- stepping away and asserting that you're not going to be engaging with the narcissist when they are frenzied. That's something I've started doing now - asserting myself and putting boundaries there. I've always noticed that narcissists get annoyed/mad at the smallest things. Or when they think they are right and you are wrong.
You are right! In my personal experience family members seem angry just under the surface all the time ready to fight at the slightest perceived threat to their superiority. They feel threatened when we don't agree or do what they want us to do or say. I have been called "rebellious" by narcissists for not being like them. Sadly these narcissists gossiped all through the extended family and because of this I am treated with indifference and avoidance. I have gone no contact with all family members because of this mess, and am so relieved that I don't have to have them in my life anymore. They actually believe I will have no one else without them. But life has become far better!!!
Maybe there should be a book called: 'the irrational narcissist,' or 'the magician,' about the narcissistic predicament. Key attitudes: manipulation, irrational thought, gains seeking personality and devoid of any responsibility, as well as one of the most important - highly lacking in empathy.
Out of nowhere, my wife just started to punch me in the face and shout at me as I was driving down the interstate. She was utterly out of control. She wouldn’t tell me why she was doing this. She’s done this several times now. Within a couple of hours later she was all loving again. It’s really frightening.
Thank you everyone for sharing and than you to the content creator of creating this space and opportunity to hear your feedback about our interactions w these unruly narcissists.
Thankfully I forgave ALL narcissists that I’ve had the displeasure of interacting with due to realizing how pathetic they are to no fault of their own.
Most were raised in conditions they did not choose. Poor parenting, trauma, abuse and lack of love and support (I.e., mothers or fathers who can’t love, drug addiction, mental illness, sexual abuse, lack of connection w their parents, foster homes, and other issues they and their parents or caregivers did not choose) and the list of adverse issues of growing up as a child, goes on.
Remove yourself from their presence and never go back!
It will be the best decision for your own self care.
Best wishes!
There is the old game … minesweeper.
The player has to unfold as many fields as possible. And if there are mines nearby, the player does not know their exact location. He only knows they are there, and how many there are beneath a field. All the time, he needs to be careful not to hit a mine.
If communication is like minesweeper, I would live with constant fear of hitting a mine. And on the reaction of an angered person I sense "there is a mine nearby". It is not possible to communicate in a clean, straightforward way in "minesweeper communication".
But there are problems, conflicts, situations … which need to be handled.
Hello, Dr. Malkin! I'm here after your collab w/ Dr. Les Carter.🙂
Wonderful ! Welcome :-)
I am very familiar with Dr Les Carter and feel his approach and manner is valuable, lovely guy. I have recently come across Dr Malkin and will definitely tune into that video of both of them. Are you aware that Dr Les has also had his twin brother on his talks, who is a clinical psychologist and works forensics is his field , (if I remember rightly, can only imagine the interesting dinner talks they have). I do find it incredibly helpful to have these generous folks and their knowledge. I aslo find it rather sad that there is such a huge need for these professionals and their advice for those who deal with the ever increasing pool of challening people. It is a double bind situation....🙂
When they are in a blind rage, there is no communicating with them unfortunately, great video though, it helps you understand reasons for their rage😏🚩🏃♀️
Excellent concise explanation. It took me so long to see that no criticism implied or real was accepted without an attack on me. Or flight away from me. Leaving me alone due to honest expression.
The biggest issue with my Father’s rage was it so often arose, out of nowhere, in a microsecond. I could spot he was in a mood where raging was likely (those moods could last days, sometimes weeks) but preventing him exploding was nigh-on impossible. I became fairly adept at making him laugh, but too often had to watch his smile morph into a snarl. I was still a toddler when I first witnessed his rages and they continued for over 50 years, right up to his death, last year. I feel I have vast experience, and now I understand what drives the behaviour, but still no useful response, other than to get out of range of flying crockery.
The science is showing that their brains are wired differently and that the parts of their brains that are responsible for empathy, have less grey matter. I believe that when people are full of rage, in those moments, their empathy is blocked and all they can see and feel, is how they feel. That's the preoccupation of their minds in that moment - how they are feeling. They can't see how you or others are feeling in that moment of frenzied rage. It's like a person's rage can blind them. Seeing how other people are thinking and feeling in the situation is also rational thinking, and they don't have that. That's the higher conscience, prefrontal cortex, the empathy part of the brain. Reasoning, understanding, awareness and that important rational thinking. Are narcissists that rational? I would say that they are quite irrational. Their sense of themselves, how they perceive themselves and others, their predictions, I have found them all to be irrational when I listen to them.
Hello, I have recently viewed another neuroscientist which explained (as another persons reply has done) that in fact the raging persons brain is in fact different from most 'nuerotypical' ' (average or 'normal) brain. I first heard the expression 'amygdala highjack', many years ago, meaning they go into a 'lizard brain' response that is so innate and woven in from centuries ago that , basically...it implies that they know no better. The recent explanation that I viewed, I would be very wary as in the way it is presented. Yes it is scientific and yes it happens. It was also referred to as a 'blindspot?' that I took to mean when the person can't remember the altercation taking place.....that biologically...they really do not remember (is in fact true). This concerns me as it takes all of the act and consequence away from the one initiating it. It was not the easiest video to watch , I must say. But as that was described, please be careful not to take responsibility away from the person who is displaying these rages. While this is most interesting to know how the biology works in those moments....some poor, unspecting person is being traumatised and at the worst, verbally and emotionally abused. It is not a free get of jail card/don't collect $200 as you pass....moment. Too often these insidious narcissist and cluster "B' types of personalities are let away with so many 'free passes' or 'benefits of doubt' that it then becomes an ingrain neural pathway that results in a habitual response, that is not good for anyone. I have managed to get to the age of 52 yrs old and have managed to regulate my emotions, and I have had a fair few of this personalities in my life that have made the journey unbearable at times ....if I can show up and treat people decently...... they can. Be discerning on who you give your empathy and compassion to....and please include yourself in that list.
The flying cookery is real! 😮
When I do this the result is higher escalation and a bigger price J pay …
His insults are ruder and meaner than before.
He blocks the door.
He rages 1”from my face spitting out his detestable words…
It’s not worth challenging him bc that’s how he interprets me making those boundary statements and walking away.
Wish it was as simple as you stated 😢
Dr. Malkin, can I ask what level of the continuum of narcissism people are who use strategic rage to control their environment? A quick outburst of rage and then the incident is never brought up again.
I Trust Me, Respect
First time I was the subject of my wife's rage for no actual reason, but something I had done a few years back, it made me totally confused. Now, after 24 years of marriage any many such episodes, I have been the subject of total silent treatment (not a single word) for 4 years. Planning to get out soon as my son is just 18.
thankt you! :)
Thank you!
As my wife was raging at me, in a calm, quiet voice I informed her that if she doesn’t lower her voice, this conversation is over. I didn’t think she’d hear me while raging but it worked remarkably well.
Your wife is narcissistic rookie compared to mine.
She’s is an angel pie
Thank you ! 👍
You’re so welcome!
Sometimes! In my experience, when he goes from 0-100 so quickly into a fireball of rage, there is nothing to do but to run. I think his rage snaps him into another reality so he is loosing touch with his surroundings. Once, as he was driving, the rageball engulfed him and his pedal got heavy on the accelerator until we were driving at 105 km/hr in an 80 km/hr zone.
Keep safe
Those of us on the receiving end of various narc rages from our various associates over the years, not knowing what we were seeing at the time, can certainly understand now. Affirmation is such a wonderful feeling. Thank you for the healing, Dr. Malkin 🥰
I’m on about my eighth Elvis biography so this is very enlightening.:)
Very helpful 🎉
The limits are for you, not for the other person.
Ty very concise and helpful .
I understand that they have a wound that when is touched somehow, they cannot tolerate the potential pain and so their first impulse is to lash out in order to avoid that pain. Its like a knee jerk reaction. I think that if you know they are reacting, you don't have to take anything they say then personally.
But it can be scary and is exhausting.
It also erodes any trust in the relationship.
Comments on incidence of this in young adult immigrants, especially toward their families
AT times the appropriate thing to do is to call the police and give them a "wake-up" call that their behavior is bordering on abuse and they should be held accountable. They ARE smart enough to learn!
I have narc son 27. His care and compassion toward animals and left out friends in his youth leaves me hopeful. How do I interject help to build his health and confidence? Specific resources? Life stories?
SB. Sounds like if he could get an assessment that would then give him tools for coping. There may be tools for teenagers who struggle with emotional regulation that would help him.
Zones of Regulation is one I can think of.
I hope he can find the right path to help.
Perhaps also worth looking at the work of Dr Ross Greene. Lives in the Balance. These are all about youngsters who are really struggling with managing and regulation of their anxiety anger and frustration but it comes up first as anger. Then the brain is switched off from seeing perspective.
At 27 though your son would need to want to look at help himself so 🤞
@@melliecrann-gaoth4789 thank you
Your remark regarding the care towards animals and his friends when younger show a time when maybe in fact, there were parts of him still capable of 'average' and healthy responses. What I have researched from professionals in this field is that this personality is 'made' and not 'born'. The nurture side plays a huge part, and upon saying that, it doesn't always imply the parents, as many children have other intimate people modelling unhealthy behaviours. It suggests that from birth so many factors come together to form this personality that it is not a cookie cut result, and many traits seen also are apparent in 'cluster B' types of personality. Hope you manage to find a way of supporting him along with him wanting to help in his own journey.
Thank you@@melliecrann-gaoth4789
thank you
Would you please explain what happens when a narcissist out-of-control rages at you and then suddenly (within seconds) turns around and behaves as if nothing happened and he's an angel who loves and would never hurt you? Like a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde extreme, all within seconds. No explanation or seeming awareness of how crazy-making this is. What is this, and how do people protect themselves from it? It's more terrifying than the rage itself.
Sounds very painful to be a narcissist 😢
It’s very painful dealing with a narcissist too.They make you feel like dirt.
It's more painful to be a narcissists victim. Speaking from 25 years of traumatic experience
Can you talk about narcissistic rage vs psychopathic rage?
You tube "Cop Fired After Losing His Mind- Tases Woman-Gets Re-hired". A State Trooper goes insane after a woman asserts her basic dignity, by telling him to quit screaming and telling her to shut up. Narcissistic rage with a gun on the side of the highway.
You would think that they are not humans but demons. The rage is not to handle
With an angry in rage narc there is no way of saying lets take a break. They need to win and control. I try but it gets twisted to I started it. And then the wrath.
The break is for you. They don't have to agree. You're just stating your intention.
.Did you mean ...a threat to the false (grandiose) self? My understanding is NPD sufferers have no integrated self, this producing the occasion for defensively constructing the false (grandiose) one.
🤙🏼
Coverts get passive aggressive as their “anger fit” silent treatment for days .