Having to stop providing hand-on care to our parents can cause us so much more negative emotions than never having started providing care in the first place. This video will help you deal with those negative emotions if you are faced with stopping providing care. How Confident are You as a Family Caregiver? Take the Quiz www.sofiaamirpoor.com/Home
I am so glad that I came across this video. As someone that is struggling with all these negative emotions about caring and supporting a parent. Thank you so much for sharing this video.
I just recently starting to look into being an adult children of narcissistic parents and I have never get more validated or able to relate to others. Despite the core of it all, I found people I can relate to and I have never felt the urge to cry and relief all at once Thank you
were under no obligation to look after our parents just cos they took care of us as children. parents are legally required to take care of a child because children have no free will. they are not old enough to make their own decisions. If the parent dont take care of them the child will be taken off them. A childs destiny is to grow up and reproduce. An elderly person on the other hand has lived their life and one their duty and are now burdened with illnesses. Their destiny is to die so let them
This has been extremely helpful for me. I am not the type of person that cries easily, and, just today, I was sobbing over the feeling of being so overwhelmed physically and emotionally due to caring for my elderly father. He has dementia and it is to the point of him not being able to do anything for himself anymore and needs 24 hour care. I never would have imagined that one day I would be having this experience with him. I love my father more than anything in the world, and still, I feel that I can’t handle all of his needs. Thank you for making this video so people like myself going through this can get some emotional comfort and realize that it is truly not our fault.
Thank God I found your RUclips channel! You can not imagine how much you have helped me. I have been living with my now 84 year old mom for almost five years and I am mentally and physically exhausted, depressed, lost my health, my relationships with my friends, my activities I used to love to do and I am at the end of my rope. I just can’t do it anymore. My mother has beat my self- esteem and my self-worth down so much by talking about me like I am a dog to my family, my friends, nurses, doctors and anyone that will listen. She lambasts me all the time trying to force me into submission, to “behave” like she wants me to behave, mainly to be at her side every minute and wait on her hand and foot. She doesn’t want me to have any kind of a life or interests or friends or anything. She wants me all to herself. I’m 61 now but she treats me like I am 5 years old. She’s bossy, stubborn, selfish and self-centered and is never appreciative of anything I do just like you describe. I am trying to get her into assisted living now because she keeps falling and needs more help than I am able to provide, but she is fighting me tooth and nail. My back and hips are shot, I’ve gained a lot of weight, and haven’t even been taking my own medication correctly. I was on one pill when I moved in with her and now I am on 9 prescription pills a day, more pills if you count Advil and other over the counter meds. And on top of everything else, she is the Queen of guilting me. She makes me feel so guilty all the time for ever daring to do something that I want to do or for ever bringing up assisted living. My own children have been begging me for over four years to move her into assisted living and now Covid has happened and everything is so much higher than it was and I don’t even know if I can afford it anymore. If I had just gotten her in last year everything would have worked out. My children say that this is all on me for not being proactive and taking care of this before I lost my own health and prices went higher. Another reason to feel guilty I guess. I am going to watch all of your videos and try to figure my life out.
My dear, something has to give here! You are highly at risk and I'm worried about you. There are options. Maybe not options that you, or your mom, find optimal, but they are out there. I really hope that you did take a look at some of my other videos, I really think there is a lot of info that you might find helpful. Take care. Thinking about you....Sofia
I've never stopped caring for my mom. I will never stop caring for her. I moved back home to take care of her full time until she needed medical care that only a nursing home could provide. That was not a problem because I would go see her for 3 hrs every evening and make sure she had plenty of her favorite songs to listen to during the day when I was at work
Why you people are absolutely disgusting you can’t take care of your own mother she took care of you all your life even at your lowest now that she needs you,your just gonna bail out on her your such a weak and fragile person and I don’t wanna here any excuses from none of you no lives forreal 🤦🏽♂️🤦🏽♂️
I was feeling 😔 guilty...but then I realised I've been an amazing daughter...but now his safety has changed and he needs special care that I can't give..I've done my absolute best...now I can be a daughter and enjoy his company.
Also don't assume everyone can be caregivers. If you're at a point of constant sighing, complaining or being snarky, consider you actually might not be the best person to help as demanding as elderly parents may be. I say for everyone's sake. ❤
I live in the UK and live with and care for my 89 year old mother. Until recently I have coped. But her mobility has now rapidly deteriorated to a degree she can't get to the toilet anymore. She is even struggling to use a commode unassisted. I cannot afford to have her admitted into a care home. And I simply don't want that to happen because I know she would be very unhappy. She doesn't suffer from dementia. I only ever feel guilt because my mother is always apologising because she feels she is a burden. I don't want her to feel that.
I have MS and I was and am struggling with this and the changes of this disease but because I lived with Dad after my engagement ended, he was dx with stage four colorectal cancer. My aunts told me I had to do God’s work. Then my mother broke her hip. Since they are divorced all their paperwork is separate and different. I can’t do this anymore and it seems like ppl don’t believe me. He has diarrhea every day and doesn’t wear depends because he’s so raw from the constant flow. His urinal is iced tea color and I can’t bare yo shower anymore. I feel dirty all the time and just want to make him feel better but I know he just tunes me out. This was the only helpful resource I could find on the subject. Thank you.
So thankful for this video right now. I’ve been caring for my dad whose been battling cancer for almost ten years. He’s declined tremendously over the past few months. We tried moving in with him when he started to get really bad but realized he is a danger to not only himself but us as well. I feel that there is no other option at the moment. Thank you for giving me a little boost in my decision.
I’m facing this now. My Mom is 94 and recently had a hospital stay and two weeks in rehab. She’s tired and refuses to do the PT that could make caregiving at home possible. Hospice has stepped in, thank goodness but even still, it may be far too much for me with a severe back problem now. I may have no choice but to place her in a facility where she’ll get the care she needs. I have to accept this but it’s difficult.
I've never stopped caring for my mom. I will never stop caring for her. I moved back home to take care of her full time until she needed medical care that only a nursing home could provide. That was not a problem because I would go see her for 3 hrs every evening and make sure she had plenty of her favorite songs to listen to during the day when I was at work
Im having so much stress taking care of my mom 90yrs ..with dementia..my son with Down syndrome..my husband that doesn't help with anything. So tired...of this situation. But i don't have the money to pay for help for my mom. Just praying for something...divine..help me to deal with the situation.
My mother had lymphoma and a brain bleed. She was hospitalized. She fell and broke her hip and needed rehab. Her body is falling apart and she is dying. She needs round the clock care and we can’t always be there for her. I am exhausted and depressed for her. Its all these things!
It’s Christmas and I was feeling overwhelmed with ‘guilt’. Your message has brought tears to my eyes. Your message has been my best Christmas present 🎁
Something else that I've noticed, is that often, the elderly often need more care over time. Caretaking can start out as manageable, but as the level of care the person needs increases, the less likely most people are equipped to be able to provide it.
Thank you Sofia. You have been my faraway angel. I am going through this decision at this very time. It's almost as if God needed me to see this video. Thank you; and thank you for 'getting it'. 🌈
This came on time I’m going to take some time to watch it but for some reason I already know I need to hear this . I’m asking God to help me decide what to do . My mom is in an nursing home currently already for some years now I just don’t like this place she is in I hate even going up in there it’s bad and she been there a while now . I’m currently going through some tough times so I was saying maybe once I get my own place I can bring her with me but I don’t think I can take care of her . I feel bad cause I know she been in this place for a long time she deserves to be in safe house but I can’t do it and I’ve seen her take care of my grandmother and she has dementia now my mom has it . I think it’s better for to be under care 24/7 I just need to find the right place to put her in . Cause I’m alone I have one other sibling however personal issues etc . But I can’t watch her 24:7 and that would be so bad of me to bring her with me and if I have to go somewhere I can’t just leave her in my house alone then the thought of inside home health aid but I don’t know about that . I need to continue to heal first and get myself together before I would even do this so yes I think I know what my decision will be I don’t need to feel guilty about it . Nursing homes and assisted living facilities are there for a reason
@SharlenesJourney Hi there Sharlene. There's absolutely no need to feel guilty about it. You are obviously loving and caring, but sometimes our parents need more....they need 24 hour care and you are wise that you acknowledge that it's just not realistic for you. If you don't think that your mom is in a good place, look for another. There are good ones out there. I'll link to this video that will show you how to find one. I'm wishing you the best 💞 ruclips.net/video/en1M2FAHP_w/видео.html
Sofia thank you so much for this powerful and supportive message. I came across your message at a time when my role with my mother is shifting as she was moved into a skilled nursing facility for physical rehabilitation. I was not prepared for the overwhelming emotions that accompanied this experience, but from here on out I will stop using the word "guilt" and I look forward to viewing more of your videos..
I ask myself these questions ALL the time as I solely take care of my elderly, invalid mother. Where is my mother's son, who lives right downstairs? And where is her daughter-in-law whose children my mother (and father) helped raise, whose house she cleaned and cooked for every weeknight? Where are the adult grandchildren that were raised by her, fed by her and spoiled by her? Had some of these people stepped up to help with her care, maybe I wouldn't be so burnt out and exhausted nor financially strained. Maybe, I wouldn't have had to make the difficult choice to place her.
As a caregiver who shares responsibility with my sisyer in caring for my mother with alzheimers I decided two years ago to stop being full time involved with my mother's care. I did this due to ptsd and other mental health issues related to family trauma. My sister who is taking up most of the work feels just like u. I told her I can no longer be the support my mom and her needs in this situation but I can help her find a good place to put my mother in so we have more time to heal and share loving moments with our mother that doesn't consist on heavy load of daily caregiving work. She refuses and believes that if I don't sacrifice my health to care for my mother then I'm a bad person. This toxic belief has led to so many good hearted individuals to sacrifice their health and life just to carry a guilt and judgment that is not theirs to begin with. Do not take the full responsibility for your mother's care. You can be a better caregiver by spending quality time at a facility where your mother can have extra hands even if is not how u wished for but it is still better help. Surrender
The Government has an obligation to assist family members in the care of it's elderly citizens with providing the necessary support system to help the elder age in place They clearly do not, and continue to make the criteria more and more difficult to get any assistance Their should be no guilt in having to place them someplace This is a guilt trip placed on family members by the health care system in order to save the insurance companies money
Since my dad passed away - I had to look after my mom. It has taken a toll on me. Her life is the hands of me. Its come to a point where I worry more about her than myself. Im not living for myself. Any advice ?
Same situation here. My mom is grieving loss of my dad of 70 year marriage. But he did everything. She still can be in her home mentally and physically at 90. But very feel like taking place of my dad and she makes me feel very guilty. I am losing me. Very hard situation.
I resonate with this video, my mom is 84 living with me, I’m divorced & single mom, she is mobile , doesn’t drive , health is declining, but she can still do for herself. I am 49, currently going through chemo for breast cancer, & trying to take care of myself. We but heads all the time, she treats me like a child, I snap at her often, she is stubborn & always needs to be right. I work full time but am off extended for my cancer treatment, & actually can’t wait to go back to work to get a break from her, I feel guilty & like a bad daughter all the time. I think it’s time to have the talk about putting her in assisted living in the future, not right away but in the next couple of years or sooner if her health declines more. She is depressed & has some friends that visit from time to time, I think she may have a better life in a home where she can have interaction with other people. Any suggestions? I live in LA county, is there any resources? Thank you
I've never stopped caring for my mom. I will never stop caring for her. I moved back home to take care of her full time until she needed medical care that only a nursing home could provide. That was not a problem because I would go see her for 3 hrs every evening and make sure she had plenty of her favorite songs to listen to during the day when I was at work
What changed was that my mom has so much resentment for me because I gave her some options to love in a safe place and she chose to sell her home and live with me. She's very resentful that I cant stay home all the time and listen to her , cook and clean for her, that my siblings can't stay for more than 2 weeks( really less than that) because they steal and have a different lifestyle than me. ..She has always had drama in her life and had ppl around her. I can't handle drama and I'm more of a quiet person. I'm not one to argue and I let ppl judge how they will. I'm very private because of lies ppl have said about me and all the talking my family does. I do everything I can to keep my word. I had a serious car accident and have seizures. Not often but I need to be very careful about the stress in my life. I'm getting married and she is so mad. She talks negative about me to my siblings and church members...she says things to lead ppl to blv she's not being cared for by me and says I'm not fallowing God. That I'm serving the wrong master. She hurts my heart so bad. I've spoken with her about it but she doesn't see or refuses to see what she's doing to me. I've always been big on caring for family. I feel hurt she thinks and talks bad about me and to me. I honestly don't blv I can handle much more. I've chosen to go ahead and get married and move in with him..I can't imagine ever doing to my children what's she's done to me.i blv we all go through things to learn lessons. I hope I've learned what I'm supposed to..and I so home my mom will find happiness and come. I hurt for her so bad and feel terrible for this situation. I javelin Noone to talk with about her other than my fiance and he really doesn't get it. I'm almost 53 and mom is 74. I really don't want to move but I can't love much longer being put down and having so.eo e be rude to me. She won't pay for a caregiver and can't be left alone at night.
Hey from 2 years in the future 😂. How did things work out for you guys? Your story touched me, as I can relate to much of it. I too don’t have anyone to talk to about these matters so I search YT trying to find stories similar to mine. Helps me not feel so alone.
I refused my father to come home upon his discharge. It was the only way to get him in a facility since no one seemed to take me seriously about my home being unhealthy for him and me. You are not obligated to take your parent back.
I agree with you deeply! I'm going through some really tough things if why my parent can't be living alone but is determined too! I've had to reach for a lot of special help! I have a long road ahead! But I am not going to feel guilty anymore, took awhile to get there. I advocate for myself, speak up, have had to for yrs, long stories.. but know there's people that have your back! It does not mean ever we are supposed to feel bad at all, we have to take care of ourselves first before any issues , people whatsoever, do take care! Blessings you are doing your best to see there's proper help hopefully soon on the way everyday for you too!
Amen to that !! They need 24/7 care there’s some people who say that we must take care of them how are we supposed to do that and work etc . That’s what nurses are for it’s just our job would be to find the best top notch facility to put them in and always still visit them still come and see them . But having them in your place what if something happens ? So no I won’t feel guilty I have to heal and take care of myself if I decide okay I’ll be the care taker then I will make that decision but I know I’m not in the best headspace to do all of that Right now I need help my self
@@SharlenesJourney I agree. It's delusional to think that I can work, take care of my kids, and provide care for my two parents at the same time. But my mother refused to let me hire a housekeeper or a home health aide, saying she wouldn't let them in the house. It's purposefully sabotaging my career that I spend decades building up to take care of my kids. This is not the first time she's put her wants (not needs, WANTS) above my NEEDS and my kids' NEEDS. This is not love. It's not even "like." I had to walk away, until such a time as we agree upon what would be proper care. But I will never sacrifice my innocent kids for a selfish grown adult.
@@mvbigmagic4048 exactly that’s too much stress and pressure on somebody you could risk your life doing all of that work and it could send you downhill if you’re worn out how can you take care of yourself and your kids etc . I seen my mom care for my grandma and it was a lot of stress on her . My only concern is just finding a good place for her cause the place she is at now is not good at all . You’re right having them in your place and something happens all the blame get out on you which is not good
I’m going through this right now. I’ve been caring for my mother since I was 10 when she first started getting sick. I’m now 27 and COVID really messed her up that she can’t do anything anymore. Family and doctors are recommending a assisted living. But I just can’t seem to make the decision to put her there cause I feel like I’m abandoning her and I’m not a good son in her eyes. 🥺🥺
Ryan, you sound like the best kind of son that I could think of! It sounds like you are giving and caring and have sacrificed so much! Some really good things can come out of having mom move to assisted living. If you have time, watch this video on how to talk to your parents about moving to AL. Good luck! ruclips.net/video/AhI4AL15_jE/видео.html
@sofiaAmirpoor you guys are some terrible children can’t even take care of your own mother that’s crazy you only take your mother to the nursing home when you don’t have the proper care to take care of them…hell you look wealthy enough to take care of your own mother and you swear like your going to be taking care of for eternity when it’s only those last few moments of your life’s your probably not a bad person but I don’t understand people who don’t go through hell and back for their parents especially because they have been doing that for us all of our lives it’s only fair to return the favor if you see this message as negative then it went over your head
Going through this now with a mentally ill parent. Although she gets the help she needs, it’s still a burden on me. I have to always help financially and physically with things. It’s starting to take a toll on my mental health . I’ve decided to relocate in a few months and leave her with the assisted living people (she’s currently in one, and they do a good job. Plus she’s functional thankfully). I’ll still check on her and visit, but I need a break. Thank you for this video. ❤️
I feel so much guilt and stress.... I'm 27 and i never wanted to be a caregiver but i still live at home so i got roped in without my consent. I'm taking care of my mom who has metastatic cancer..... I feel like I'm abandoning her..... But you're right. I'm not malicious.... I did everything i could for 2 years.
I've never stopped caring for my mom. I will never stop caring for her. I moved back home to take care of her full time until she needed medical care that only a nursing home could provide. That was not a problem because I would go see her for 3 hrs every evening and make sure she had plenty of her favorite songs to listen to during the day when I was at work
Thank you for this wonderful video. It has helped me to see more clearly what has been going on with me and my mother. Unfortunately I dont think she will understand why I cant do everything for her
How can one not feel guilty when there are people around you who did it to the end and they are insisting I must be strong enough and loving enough to do the same?
That's just way too much pressure! People mean well, but can be so opinionated! But this is your one and only life and only you can decide....you get to decide. Like so many important decisions in life, there's no one right answer that will work for everyone. If that was true, then I would have never gone to college, I would have stayed home and took care of my husband, home and home-schooled my kids because that's what some people thought I should do. But that was not my path. For other people who took that path...yay for them! But it was not my path, and that didn't make me a worse mom or wife, and I certainly don't feel guilty for it. It's the same with taking care of our parents. There are lots of different ways to do it, and there's no one right way. But there is a wrong way.....to do it in a way that you absolutely hate, resent and that will drive you into the ground, just because people are pressuring you. I hope you find a path that works for you!
After going through so many of these same experiences and feelings with my mom and dad I just was absolutely worn out. It was not that I didn’t want to keep them at home but two parents near 90 was too much. I thought so much about what happened and they were falling and not eating well. Mom had two major surgeries from falling and dad couldn’t take care of himself or mom. They both were finally admitted to a rehab center and I was still there for them…this was all during covid and I couldn’t visit with them. I have often thought about not being able to do for them like I wanted but you know when they cared for me and my brother growing up they were both young and healthy and were able to do for us. There is a difference in taking care of family at 67 versus being in your 20’s and 30’s plus we were at school or in activities most of the time. We need to remind ourselves of that when our parents get to the age where assisted living is the right choice. We are still caring for them even though we are not in their home.
I watched your video 3 times,I am going to same situation physically,mentally and emotionally drained.That "Guilt" feels like I'm kicking him out of his own appartment and I'm not being good family member but my brother totally disabled his disease is advancing and he needs full care as far as feeding,mobility,bathing,changing diapers and..... we can't do it anymore and I was feeling guilty that I'm stressed out and can't do it anymore and considering to move him to nursing facility.But still in bottom of my heart feeling horrible and extremely sad.Watching your video gave some comfort and understanding to think more logical and being logical and not let my emotions take over my logic and doing the right thing.Since I feel I'm on the edge and stressed mentally and emotionally if I get sick who is going to take care of me and him. Then...???!!Still have older mom that she needs help too....!! So thank you so much for your video and other videos you do,sounds like had a session with psychologist🙂God bless you.
@Lion Lee Thank you so much for your kind comment! I'm so happy to have helped, even just a bit. It sounds like it's been really really hard caring for your brother, I'm so sorry that he and your family are going through this. Sometimes the very best way you can care for someone is to let someone else do it, and he will have multiple people on multiple shifts to meet his needs. Free up your spirit and energy as you enter this next chapter.....you will both need it. Hugs
My mom died 2 years ago and I immediately moved in with my dad to help him. He has huge mobility problems. Ive worked so hard to keep up with him and the house, my kids, my husband. I have a sister who never helps and only complains about the way I do things. I really need help. Im feeling really overwhelmed.
Thank you for this video. I’ve been taking care of my mom for 4 1/2 years now. I live 5 minutes away from her and was a stay at home mom. So first she had lung cancer, than 2 years after that she had throat cancer and as time went on more and more started going wrong. It’s just become way too much for me to handle and everyone in the family thinks I’m so strong but I don’t feel that way. Many times I feel like screaming like you said that I don’t want to do this anymore!!! The problem is she doesn’t want to go to an assisted living facility and we can’t force her and if we have to go to court it will cost a lot of money, so what do you do? I feel like I’m stuck. I love her but it’s really taking a toll on me mentally and I know it’s getting too much for her but she’s so stubborn and she thinks all assisted living facilities and nursing homes are bad. I told her I would check them out and I would visit her every week but she doesn’t care. She said she would rather die. This is what I’m dealing with, it’s very frustrating.
Hi Gina, This sounds so stressful! I'm sorry it's come to this. Maybe you already came across this video I made about how to convince your parent to move to an assisted living, if not, here is the link, it might help you out a bit. ruclips.net/video/AhI4AL15_jE/видео.html If she continues to dig her heels in, please don't forget, that making sure that she is cared for at her home doesn't mean that it has to be done by you. There are always other options (if she'll let you), like an in-home caregiver, home delivered meals, adult day care, drivers etc. Here is another video that might help about what to do when your parent refuses all help : ruclips.net/video/gwrx9JsAIAo/видео.html Good luck to you Gina!
My parents moved in with me several years ago. Mhm has dementia and dad heart problems and osteoporosis. I had to give up work 3 years ago as they were no longer safe to leave alone all day. I am still unable to get help and my brother doesn't want to help as our mother has always been difficult and manipulative. Dementia has made a difficult person even more diffjcult. I can do nothing right, I'm walking on egg shells all day. Dad just disappears to his room or garden shed. She kicks me, spits on me. Pulls my hair and bites when I try to clean her. My son won't come anymore and I have lost all my friends. I feel like I have no life but dad refuses to discuss care home because of covid response. Mhm refuses help from home carers and gives in to mum's demands all the time. I feel guilty for just wanting my life back. I just can't do this alone anymore
@arlene evans I am so sorry, this sounds like a terrible situation! You do not deserve this. I know she is your mom, but her dementia has really taken your real mom. No one would ever fault you for saying "you know what? This is more than I can handle". Please look into getting help, and I don't mean caregivers. I mean professional assistance to help to navigate and negotiate this situation with your parents and your brother too. You can hire a geriatric case manager or social worker to come to do an assessment or help you have a family meeting. You could also call your local area agency on aging to see if they have someone who could come to help assess and problem solve and they would likely be much less expensive that hiring a private case manager, actually the service might even be free. I'm wondering if mom is verging on lacking competence to make her own decisions. In that case, the responsibility for her falls on Dad......time for a heart to heart alone with dad.
What do you do when a parent won’t get the treatment they need I work 10-12 hours a day 6 days a week then come home and take care of my dad who’s blind and losing cognitive function with horrible mood swings and don’t understand anything I feel like my life is spiraling I get no help from my sister or other family members
My 93 year old mother has stage 4-5 Alzheimers and lives on her own. Mother has a carer for one hour a day. She denies them their household and basic tasks because she says she can do them herself. Mother rings my sister countless times a day asking for her heating to be turned on or off. She rings when she cannot turn the volume of her television up, or change the channel. Mother rings for pointless reasons all day and has no recollection whatsoever. My siblings and I are attempting to place her in a Care Home because she can longer maintain herself or her own home. Mother is adamant that she is going nowhere. We insist she needs to. Mother is intolerable. We do not feel guilty.
I find that my father is ungrateful and complains about everything I do for him! I’m getting ready to wash my hands of it all. I don’t wanna be his POA and I am resentful because I haven’t had a vacation since I took care of my dying husband! I smoke weed now. I have my own stuff to do myself! There’s nobody else to care for him! He is 84 and stubborn! 😳🤬🤬🤯
I feel bad i don't live with my parents anymore cus i work in another city and i see them 1 o 2 times at month, i feel so bad cus my mom is sick and only dad who's taking care of her.
I have been taking care of my elderly mother 82 for the last couple of years after my father died but her mental health has deteriorated quite a bit. She has post-traumatic stress and borderline personality disorder that she's had for years, but she has not gotten any help. I've noticed that it's become a daily struggle just to be able to deal with her anger and outbursts to the point where I am getting secondary PTSD. She is becoming very delusional believing that people are trying to kill her or betray her in some way. To be honest I am concerned for my safety because when she goes on her Rampages where she threatens to hurt me because she thinks that I am trying to hurt her or believes that I have some sort of evil conspiracy to do something to her "which I don't" threatens to get violence or get semi-violent with me "physical violence". I honestly don't know what to do, I come from a Hispanic culture we're putting somebody in a home is very frowned upon. So I really don't know what to do with her and every day she just keeps getting worse.
OMG Maria, this sounds like a stressful and scary situation! Please, please watch this video about paranoid delusions, it might help a little. ruclips.net/video/XhAfHS3dDGA/видео.html Many cultures hold high value in caring for the elderly, which is fabulous! However, no one, regardless of culture, should be placed in a dangerous situation like you are. I have seen many Hispanic families make the choice to get help in the home or even place an elder in a facility when the situation becomes unbearable and unsafe. It’s time to have a heart to heart with your family.
@nurse Majola I was replying to someone who deleted their reply so my reply didn't make sense without the context. I was saying that you shouldn't just give your parents to an institution and never call them again or only on holidays. You should still call them and visit them regularly (when there is no covid).
I would never send my parents to a care home. Only their children can give them the love and attention they need and deserve in old age, and it's the least we can do considering they raised us and made that same sacrifice. I know some of you will disagree, and each of our situations in life vary, but this I can't ever justify. Call me young and shortsighted if you wish. If I was homeless, I would still try. If I had no arms and legs, I would still try...because our parents would never have given up on us. If that sounds like your parent, you're making a big mistake. That guilt you feel in your stomach is there for a reason. That's the truth stabbing you in the gut. Listen to it.
@@notfree2899 I somewhat agree, and that’s why I said: “If that sounds like your parent”. There’s also something to be said about following your parents misdeeds. It all depends on the person.
@@truthorhappiness my mother and I were never close, she was never proud of me and always cutting me down. My brothers could do no wrong. My mother's 3rd husband died in march of 2019, they lived in Idaho and I had to go and get her, bring her back to MI. I have been taking care of her since, no help from anyone. She never nurtured me or spent any time with me. She left to go work second shift when I was 6 years old and continued until I left home. My dad played Mr. Mom to us kids..anyway, I'm very unhappy and drained taking care of her, she is 87. As the video is about, I feel guilty for wanting out of this. Something has to be done as I have to go back to work, savings is draining which was for my retirement. I do not enjoy being around her as I've held onto anger and hurt all these years. It's just a very difficult situation and I asked my brother for advice but he doesn't want to help at all even with advice. I need his help to talk her into assisted living and he refuses to help. I haven't had any relationships, I barely see my daughter anymore and I don't take care of myself because she has so many appointments and other things that take up my time. I wish I could have had a decent mother/ daughter relationship. Before my dad passed away he used to talk about how he felt bad that I didn't have a mother like I should have had and I've had aunts and friends of my mother say the same thing. I guess I will pray for a solution.
@@notfree2899 That is a very tough situation... My heart goes out to you... It sounds to me like you are a believer in God. If so then I think you already know the right choice to make in the eyes of the Lord. Pray and keep your faith strong. God can be a shield to help you endure life’s challenges. Perhaps having a second pair of hands around the house would ease the burden. Open your heart and you might just find that special person that could help you through these tough times. It’s harder to endure life alone. Maybe there’s a happy medium that can be found in your life. A state of being that one can cope with for a time. I believe everyone has to endure tough times at certain key points in their lives. These are lessons individually catered to us, which force us to grow on our spiritual journey.There is much suffering in the world, but joy can still be found where we least expect it.
Having to stop providing hand-on care to our parents can cause us so much more negative emotions than never having started providing care in the first place. This video will help you deal with those negative emotions if you are faced with stopping providing care.
How Confident are You as a Family Caregiver? Take the Quiz
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I am so glad that I came across this video. As someone that is struggling with all these negative emotions about caring and supporting a parent. Thank you so much for sharing this video.
I just recently starting to look into being an adult children of narcissistic parents and I have never get more validated or able to relate to others.
Despite the core of it all, I found people I can relate to and I have never felt the urge to cry and relief all at once
Thank you
Going through this now. Going on 2 years of taking care of my mother and just burned out and exausted.
Smoke some weed and trust me it helps!
This is the time to reach out and get help. Don’t wait until your health declines. YOU come first, not your mother
were under no obligation to look after our parents just cos they took care of us as children. parents are legally required to take care of a child because children have no free will. they are not old enough to make their own decisions. If the parent dont take care of them the child will be taken off them.
A childs destiny is to grow up and reproduce. An elderly person on the other hand has lived their life and one their duty and are now burdened with illnesses. Their destiny is to die so let them
This has been extremely helpful for me. I am not the type of person that cries easily, and, just today, I was sobbing over the feeling of being so overwhelmed physically and emotionally due to caring for my elderly father. He has dementia and it is to the point of him not being able to do anything for himself anymore and needs 24 hour care. I never would have imagined that one day I would be having this experience with him. I love my father more than anything in the world, and still, I feel that I can’t handle all of his needs. Thank you for making this video so people like myself going through this can get some emotional comfort and realize that it is truly not our fault.
Thank God I found your RUclips channel! You can not imagine how much you have helped me. I have been living with my now 84 year old mom for almost five years and I am mentally and physically exhausted, depressed, lost my health, my relationships with my friends, my activities I used to love to do and I am at the end of my rope. I just can’t do it anymore. My mother has beat my self- esteem and my self-worth down so much by talking about me like I am a dog to my family, my friends, nurses, doctors and anyone that will listen. She lambasts me all the time trying to force me into submission, to “behave” like she wants me to behave, mainly to be at her side every minute and wait on her hand and foot. She doesn’t want me to have any kind of a life or interests or friends or anything. She wants me all to herself. I’m 61 now but she treats me like I am 5 years old. She’s bossy, stubborn, selfish and self-centered and is never appreciative of anything I do just like you describe. I am trying to get her into assisted living now because she keeps falling and needs more help than I am able to provide, but she is fighting me tooth and nail. My back and hips are shot, I’ve gained a lot of weight, and haven’t even been taking my own medication correctly. I was on one pill when I moved in with her and now I am on 9 prescription pills a day, more pills if you count Advil and other over the counter meds. And on top of everything else, she is the Queen of guilting me. She makes me feel so guilty all the time for ever daring to do something that I want to do or for ever bringing up assisted living. My own children have been begging me for over four years to move her into assisted living and now Covid has happened and everything is so much higher than it was and I don’t even know if I can afford it anymore. If I had just gotten her in last year everything would have worked out. My children say that this is all on me for not being proactive and taking care of this before I lost my own health and prices went higher. Another reason to feel guilty I guess. I am going to watch all of your videos and try to figure my life out.
My dear, something has to give here! You are highly at risk and I'm worried about you. There are options. Maybe not options that you, or your mom, find optimal, but they are out there. I really hope that you did take a look at some of my other videos, I really think there is a lot of info that you might find helpful. Take care. Thinking about you....Sofia
Please find a way to place her. You owe it to yourself and your children. Go to agingcare.com
I’m in a similar situation as you, & going through cancer treatment myself
I've never stopped caring for my mom. I will never stop caring for her. I moved back home to take care of her full time until she needed medical care that only a nursing home could provide. That was not a problem because I would go see her for 3 hrs every evening and make sure she had plenty of her favorite songs to listen to during the day when I was at work
Why you people are absolutely disgusting you can’t take care of your own mother she took care of you all your life even at your lowest now that she needs you,your just gonna bail out on her your such a weak and fragile person and I don’t wanna here any excuses from none of you no lives forreal 🤦🏽♂️🤦🏽♂️
I was feeling 😔 guilty...but then I realised I've been an amazing daughter...but now his safety has changed and he needs special care that I can't give..I've done my absolute best...now I can be a daughter and enjoy his company.
Also don't assume everyone can be caregivers. If you're at a point of constant sighing, complaining or being snarky, consider you actually might not be the best person to help as demanding as elderly parents may be. I say for everyone's sake. ❤
I live in the UK and live with and care for my 89 year old mother. Until recently I have coped. But her mobility has now rapidly deteriorated to a degree she can't get to the toilet anymore. She is even struggling to use a commode unassisted. I cannot afford to have her admitted into a care home. And I simply don't want that to happen because I know she would be very unhappy. She doesn't suffer from dementia. I only ever feel guilt because my mother is always apologising because she feels she is a burden. I don't want her to feel that.
God Bless you for looking after mama❤️
I have MS and I was and am struggling with this and the changes of this disease but because I lived with Dad after my engagement ended, he was dx with stage four colorectal cancer. My aunts told me I had to do God’s work. Then my mother broke her hip. Since they are divorced all their paperwork is separate and different. I can’t do this anymore and it seems like ppl don’t believe me. He has diarrhea every day and doesn’t wear depends because he’s so raw from the constant flow. His urinal is iced tea color and I can’t bare yo shower anymore. I feel dirty all the time and just want to make him feel better but I know he just tunes me out. This was the only helpful resource I could find on the subject. Thank you.
So thankful for this video right now. I’ve been caring for my dad whose been battling cancer for almost ten years. He’s declined tremendously over the past few months. We tried moving in with him when he started to get really bad but realized he is a danger to not only himself but us as well. I feel that there is no other option at the moment. Thank you for giving me a little boost in my decision.
Felt like she was talking to me. Thanks so much!
I’m facing this now. My Mom is 94 and recently had a hospital stay and two weeks in rehab. She’s tired and refuses to do the PT that could make caregiving at home possible. Hospice has stepped in, thank goodness but even still, it may be far too much for me with a severe back problem now. I may have no choice but to place her in a facility where she’ll get the care she needs. I have to accept this but it’s difficult.
I've never stopped caring for my mom. I will never stop caring for her. I moved back home to take care of her full time until she needed medical care that only a nursing home could provide. That was not a problem because I would go see her for 3 hrs every evening and make sure she had plenty of her favorite songs to listen to during the day when I was at work
Im having so much stress taking care of my mom 90yrs ..with dementia..my son with Down syndrome..my husband that doesn't help with anything.
So tired...of this situation.
But i don't have the money to pay for help for my mom.
Just praying for something...divine..help me to deal with the situation.
@@amyh4606 lucky you 🙄
My mother had lymphoma and a brain bleed. She was hospitalized. She fell and broke her hip and needed rehab. Her body is falling apart and she is dying. She needs round the clock care and we can’t always be there for her. I am exhausted and depressed for her. Its all these things!
It’s Christmas and I was feeling overwhelmed with ‘guilt’. Your message has brought tears to my eyes. Your message has been my best Christmas present 🎁
and yours was mine!
Something else that I've noticed, is that often, the elderly often need more care over time. Caretaking can start out as manageable, but as the level of care the person needs increases, the less likely most people are equipped to be able to provide it.
Thank you Sofia. You have been my faraway angel. I am going through this decision at this very time. It's almost as if God needed me to see this video. Thank you; and thank you for 'getting it'. 🌈
Pallas Athena. I'm glad to be here for you. My channel is made for you!
This came on time I’m going to take some time to watch it but for some reason I already know I need to hear this . I’m asking God to help me decide what to do . My mom is in an nursing home currently already for some years now I just don’t like this place she is in I hate even going up in there it’s bad and she been there a while now . I’m currently going through some tough times so I was saying maybe once I get my own place I can bring her with me but I don’t think I can take care of her . I feel bad cause I know she been in this place for a long time she deserves to be in safe house but I can’t do it and I’ve seen her take care of my grandmother and she has dementia now my mom has it .
I think it’s better for to be under care 24/7 I just need to find the right place to put her in . Cause I’m alone I have one other sibling however personal issues etc . But I can’t watch her 24:7 and that would be so bad of me to bring her with me and if I have to go somewhere I can’t just leave her in my house alone then the thought of inside home health aid but I don’t know about that . I need to continue to heal first and get myself together before I would even do this so yes I think I know what my decision will be I don’t need to feel guilty about it . Nursing homes and assisted living facilities are there for a reason
@SharlenesJourney Hi there Sharlene. There's absolutely no need to feel guilty about it. You are obviously loving and caring, but sometimes our parents need more....they need 24 hour care and you are wise that you acknowledge that it's just not realistic for you. If you don't think that your mom is in a good place, look for another. There are good ones out there. I'll link to this video that will show you how to find one. I'm wishing you the best 💞 ruclips.net/video/en1M2FAHP_w/видео.html
Sofia thank you so much for this powerful and supportive message. I came across your message at a time when my role with my mother is shifting as she was moved into a skilled nursing facility for physical rehabilitation. I was not prepared for the overwhelming emotions that accompanied this experience, but from here on out I will stop using the word "guilt" and I look forward to viewing more of your videos..
I ask myself these questions ALL the time as I solely take care of my elderly, invalid mother. Where is my mother's son, who lives right downstairs? And where is her daughter-in-law whose children my mother (and father) helped raise, whose house she cleaned and cooked for every weeknight? Where are the adult grandchildren that were raised by her, fed by her and spoiled by her? Had some of these people stepped up to help with her care, maybe I wouldn't be so burnt out and exhausted nor financially strained. Maybe, I wouldn't have had to make the difficult choice to place her.
I totally agree with you with the feeling that you are the only one from your family who is helping, but I am sure that God will reward you greatly.
As a caregiver who shares responsibility with my sisyer in caring for my mother with alzheimers I decided two years ago to stop being full time involved with my mother's care. I did this due to ptsd and other mental health issues related to family trauma. My sister who is taking up most of the work feels just like u. I told her I can no longer be the support my mom and her needs in this situation but I can help her find a good place to put my mother in so we have more time to heal and share loving moments with our mother that doesn't consist on heavy load of daily caregiving work. She refuses and believes that if I don't sacrifice my health to care for my mother then I'm a bad person. This toxic belief has led to so many good hearted individuals to sacrifice their health and life just to carry a guilt and judgment that is not theirs to begin with. Do not take the full responsibility for your mother's care. You can be a better caregiver by spending quality time at a facility where your mother can have extra hands even if is not how u wished for but it is still better help. Surrender
The Government has an obligation to assist family members in the care of it's elderly citizens with providing the necessary support system to help the elder age in place They clearly do not, and continue to make the criteria more and more difficult to get any assistance Their should be no guilt in having to place them someplace This is a guilt trip placed on family members by the health care system in order to save the insurance companies money
Since my dad passed away - I had to look after my mom. It has taken a toll on me. Her life is the hands of me. Its come to a point where I worry more about her than myself. Im not living for myself. Any advice ?
Same situation here. My mom is grieving loss of my dad of 70 year marriage. But he did everything. She still can be in her home mentally and physically at 90. But very feel like taking place of my dad and she makes me feel very guilty. I am losing me. Very hard situation.
I resonate with this video, my mom is 84 living with me, I’m divorced & single mom, she is mobile , doesn’t drive , health is declining, but she can still do for herself. I am 49, currently going through chemo for breast cancer, & trying to take care of myself. We but heads all the time, she treats me like a child, I snap at her often, she is stubborn & always needs to be right. I work full time but am off extended for my cancer treatment, & actually can’t wait to go back to work to get a break from her, I feel guilty & like a bad daughter all the time. I think it’s time to have the talk about putting her in assisted living in the future, not right away but in the next couple of years or sooner if her health declines more. She is depressed & has some friends that visit from time to time, I think she may have a better life in a home where she can have interaction with other people. Any suggestions? I live in LA county, is there any resources? Thank you
Hi, sounds like a really hard situation. So glad that you’re thinking head. Check out a website for A Place for Mom. It’s a free service for you.
I've never stopped caring for my mom. I will never stop caring for her. I moved back home to take care of her full time until she needed medical care that only a nursing home could provide. That was not a problem because I would go see her for 3 hrs every evening and make sure she had plenty of her favorite songs to listen to during the day when I was at work
Thank you. You really helped me stop feeling guilty ❤
What changed was that my mom has so much resentment for me because I gave her some options to love in a safe place and she chose to sell her home and live with me. She's very resentful that I cant stay home all the time and listen to her , cook and clean for her, that my siblings can't stay for more than 2 weeks( really less than that) because they steal and have a different lifestyle than me. ..She has always had drama in her life and had ppl around her. I can't handle drama and I'm more of a quiet person. I'm not one to argue and I let ppl judge how they will. I'm very private because of lies ppl have said about me and all the talking my family does. I do everything I can to keep my word. I had a serious car accident and have seizures. Not often but I need to be very careful about the stress in my life. I'm getting married and she is so mad. She talks negative about me to my siblings and church members...she says things to lead ppl to blv she's not being cared for by me and says I'm not fallowing God. That I'm serving the wrong master. She hurts my heart so bad. I've spoken with her about it but she doesn't see or refuses to see what she's doing to me. I've always been big on caring for family. I feel hurt she thinks and talks bad about me and to me. I honestly don't blv I can handle much more. I've chosen to go ahead and get married and move in with him..I can't imagine ever doing to my children what's she's done to me.i blv we all go through things to learn lessons. I hope I've learned what I'm supposed to..and I so home my mom will find happiness and come. I hurt for her so bad and feel terrible for this situation. I javelin Noone to talk with about her other than my fiance and he really doesn't get it. I'm almost 53 and mom is 74. I really don't want to move but I can't love much longer being put down and having so.eo e be rude to me. She won't pay for a caregiver and can't be left alone at night.
Sorry for such a long Comment
Hey from 2 years in the future 😂. How did things work out for you guys? Your story touched me, as I can relate to much of it. I too don’t have anyone to talk to about these matters so I search YT trying to find stories similar to mine. Helps me not feel so alone.
I refused my father to come home upon his discharge.
It was the only way to get him in a facility since no one seemed to take me seriously about my home being unhealthy for him and me.
You are not obligated to take your parent back.
I agree with you deeply! I'm going through some really tough things if why my parent can't be living alone but is determined too! I've had to reach for a lot of special help! I have a long road ahead! But I am not going to feel guilty anymore, took awhile to get there. I advocate for myself, speak up, have had to for yrs, long stories.. but know there's people that have your back! It does not mean ever we are supposed to feel bad at all, we have to take care of ourselves first before any issues , people whatsoever, do take care! Blessings you are doing your best to see there's proper help hopefully soon on the way everyday for you too!
A lot of people don’t know this!!!
Amen to that !! They need 24/7 care there’s some people who say that we must take care of them how are we supposed to do that and work etc . That’s what nurses are for it’s just our job would be to find the best top notch facility to put them in and always still visit them still come and see them . But having them in your place what if something happens ? So no I won’t feel guilty I have to heal and take care of myself if I decide okay I’ll be the care taker then I will make that decision but I know I’m not in the best headspace to do all of that Right now I need help my self
@@SharlenesJourney I agree. It's delusional to think that I can work, take care of my kids, and provide care for my two parents at the same time. But my mother refused to let me hire a housekeeper or a home health aide, saying she wouldn't let them in the house. It's purposefully sabotaging my career that I spend decades building up to take care of my kids. This is not the first time she's put her wants (not needs, WANTS) above my NEEDS and my kids' NEEDS. This is not love. It's not even "like." I had to walk away, until such a time as we agree upon what would be proper care. But I will never sacrifice my innocent kids for a selfish grown adult.
@@mvbigmagic4048 exactly that’s too much stress and pressure on somebody you could risk your life doing all of that work and it could send you downhill if you’re worn out how can you take care of yourself and your kids etc . I seen my mom care for my grandma and it was a lot of stress on her . My only concern is just finding a good place for her cause the place she is at now is not good at all .
You’re right having them in your place and something happens all the blame get out on you which is not good
Going through this now
Perfect. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom Sofia.
You're so welcome Andrea!
I’m going through this right now. I’ve been caring for my mother since I was 10 when she first started getting sick. I’m now 27 and COVID really messed her up that she can’t do anything anymore. Family and doctors are recommending a assisted living. But I just can’t seem to make the decision to put her there cause I feel like I’m abandoning her and I’m not a good son in her eyes. 🥺🥺
Ryan, you sound like the best kind of son that I could think of! It sounds like you are giving and caring and have sacrificed so much! Some really good things can come out of having mom move to assisted living. If you have time, watch this video on how to talk to your parents about moving to AL. Good luck!
ruclips.net/video/AhI4AL15_jE/видео.html
@sofiaAmirpoor you guys are some terrible children can’t even take care of your own mother that’s crazy you only take your mother to the nursing home when you don’t have the proper care to take care of them…hell you look wealthy enough to take care of your own mother and you swear like your going to be taking care of for eternity when it’s only those last few moments of your life’s your probably not a bad person but I don’t understand people who don’t go through hell and back for their parents especially because they have been doing that for us all of our lives it’s only fair to return the favor if you see this message as negative then it went over your head
Going through this now with a mentally ill parent. Although she gets the help she needs, it’s still a burden on me. I have to always help financially and physically with things. It’s starting to take a toll on my mental health . I’ve decided to relocate in a few months and leave her with the assisted living people (she’s currently in one, and they do a good job. Plus she’s functional thankfully). I’ll still check on her and visit, but I need a break. Thank you for this video. ❤️
Thank you for this video 🙏🏾
I feel so much guilt and stress.... I'm 27 and i never wanted to be a caregiver but i still live at home so i got roped in without my consent. I'm taking care of my mom who has metastatic cancer..... I feel like I'm abandoning her..... But you're right. I'm not malicious.... I did everything i could for 2 years.
Thank you for this lovely video.
I've never stopped caring for my mom. I will never stop caring for her. I moved back home to take care of her full time until she needed medical care that only a nursing home could provide. That was not a problem because I would go see her for 3 hrs every evening and make sure she had plenty of her favorite songs to listen to during the day when I was at work
Its rough..im hangin in there for my mom...but at times want to throw in towel...we know the time is coming and accept it..I won't feel guilt
Thank you for this wonderful video. It has helped me to see more clearly what has been going on with me and my mother. Unfortunately I dont think she will understand why I cant do everything for her
Glad it was helpful!
How can one not feel guilty when there are people around you who did it to the end and they are insisting I must be strong enough and loving enough to do the same?
That's just way too much pressure! People mean well, but can be so opinionated! But this is your one and only life and only you can decide....you get to decide. Like so many important decisions in life, there's no one right answer that will work for everyone. If that was true, then I would have never gone to college, I would have stayed home and took care of my husband, home and home-schooled my kids because that's what some people thought I should do. But that was not my path. For other people who took that path...yay for them! But it was not my path, and that didn't make me a worse mom or wife, and I certainly don't feel guilty for it. It's the same with taking care of our parents. There are lots of different ways to do it, and there's no one right way. But there is a wrong way.....to do it in a way that you absolutely hate, resent and that will drive you into the ground, just because people are pressuring you. I hope you find a path that works for you!
I feel the same way...its only me an her...
Im in this position and have been doing it over 5 yrs
After going through so many of these same experiences and feelings with my mom and dad I just was absolutely worn out. It was not that I didn’t want to keep them at home but two parents near 90 was too much. I thought so much about what happened and they were falling and not eating well. Mom had two major surgeries from falling and dad couldn’t take care of himself or mom. They both were finally admitted to a rehab center and I was still there for them…this was all during covid and I couldn’t visit with them.
I have often thought about not being able to do for them like I wanted but you know when they cared for me and my brother growing up they were both young and healthy and were able to do for us. There is a difference in taking care of family at 67 versus being in your 20’s and 30’s plus we were at school or in activities most of the time. We need to remind ourselves of that when our parents get to the age where assisted living is the right choice. We are still caring for them even though we are not in their home.
You’re so right, it’s not the same. I appreciate you putting it out there. Hugs.
I watched your video 3 times,I am going to same situation physically,mentally and emotionally drained.That "Guilt" feels like I'm kicking him out of his own appartment and I'm not being good family member but my brother totally disabled his disease is advancing and he needs full care as far as feeding,mobility,bathing,changing diapers and..... we can't do it anymore and I was feeling guilty that I'm stressed out and can't do it anymore and considering to move him to nursing facility.But still in bottom of my heart feeling horrible and extremely sad.Watching your video gave some comfort and understanding to think more logical and being logical and not let my emotions take over my logic and doing the right thing.Since I feel I'm on the edge and stressed mentally and emotionally if I get sick who is going to take care of me and him. Then...???!!Still have older mom that she needs help too....!!
So thank you so much for your video and other videos you do,sounds like had a session with psychologist🙂God bless you.
@Lion Lee Thank you so much for your kind comment! I'm so happy to have helped, even just a bit. It sounds like it's been really really hard caring for your brother, I'm so sorry that he and your family are going through this. Sometimes the very best way you can care for someone is to let someone else do it, and he will have multiple people on multiple shifts to meet his needs. Free up your spirit and energy as you enter this next chapter.....you will both need it. Hugs
Thank you.
You're welcome!
My mom died 2 years ago and I immediately moved in with my dad to help him. He has huge mobility problems. Ive worked so hard to keep up with him and the house, my kids, my husband. I have a sister who never helps and only complains about the way I do things. I really need help. Im feeling really overwhelmed.
This was so helpful! I know I will listen again! ❤️
Awesome! Thank you!
You Are Awesome and sweet.Thank you for understanding
Thanks Nancy!
I'm going through this now.
Hey Ian, I know it’s not always easy. Chin up friend.
Thank you for this video. I’ve been taking care of my mom for 4 1/2 years now. I live 5 minutes away from her and was a stay at home mom. So first she had lung cancer, than 2 years after that she had throat cancer and as time went on more and more started going wrong. It’s just become way too much for me to handle and everyone in the family thinks I’m so strong but I don’t feel that way. Many times I feel like screaming like you said that I don’t want to do this anymore!!! The problem is she doesn’t want to go to an assisted living facility and we can’t force her and if we have to go to court it will cost a lot of money, so what do you do? I feel like I’m stuck. I love her but it’s really taking a toll on me mentally and I know it’s getting too much for her but she’s so stubborn and she thinks all assisted living facilities and nursing homes are bad. I told her I would check them out and I would visit her every week but she doesn’t care. She said she would rather die. This is what I’m dealing with, it’s very frustrating.
Hi Gina, This sounds so stressful! I'm sorry it's come to this. Maybe you already came across this video I made about how to convince your parent to move to an assisted living, if not, here is the link, it might help you out a bit. ruclips.net/video/AhI4AL15_jE/видео.html
If she continues to dig her heels in, please don't forget, that making sure that she is cared for at her home doesn't mean that it has to be done by you. There are always other options (if she'll let you), like an in-home caregiver, home delivered meals, adult day care, drivers etc. Here is another video that might help about what to do when your parent refuses all help : ruclips.net/video/gwrx9JsAIAo/видео.html
Good luck to you Gina!
My parents moved in with me several years ago. Mhm has dementia and dad heart problems and osteoporosis. I had to give up work 3 years ago as they were no longer safe to leave alone all day. I am still unable to get help and my brother doesn't want to help as our mother has always been difficult and manipulative. Dementia has made a difficult person even more diffjcult. I can do nothing right, I'm walking on egg shells all day. Dad just disappears to his room or garden shed. She kicks me, spits on me. Pulls my hair and bites when I try to clean her. My son won't come anymore and I have lost all my friends. I feel like I have no life but dad refuses to discuss care home because of covid response. Mhm refuses help from home carers and gives in to mum's demands all the time. I feel guilty for just wanting my life back. I just can't do this alone anymore
@arlene evans I am so sorry, this sounds like a terrible situation! You do not deserve this. I know she is your mom, but her dementia has really taken your real mom. No one would ever fault you for saying "you know what? This is more than I can handle". Please look into getting help, and I don't mean caregivers. I mean professional assistance to help to navigate and negotiate this situation with your parents and your brother too. You can hire a geriatric case manager or social worker to come to do an assessment or help you have a family meeting. You could also call your local area agency on aging to see if they have someone who could come to help assess and problem solve and they would likely be much less expensive that hiring a private case manager, actually the service might even be free. I'm wondering if mom is verging on lacking competence to make her own decisions. In that case, the responsibility for her falls on Dad......time for a heart to heart alone with dad.
@@SofiaAmirpoor thanks for the info x
I’m in a similar situation hang in there you’re doing the right thing
What do you do when a parent won’t get the treatment they need I work 10-12 hours a day 6 days a week then come home and take care of my dad who’s blind and losing cognitive function with horrible mood swings and don’t understand anything I feel like my life is spiraling I get no help from my sister or other family members
My 93 year old mother has stage 4-5 Alzheimers and lives on her own. Mother has a carer for one hour a day. She denies them their household and basic tasks because she says she can do them herself. Mother rings my sister countless times a day asking for her heating to be turned on or off. She rings when she cannot turn the volume of her television up, or change the channel. Mother rings for pointless reasons all day and has no recollection whatsoever. My siblings and I are attempting to place her in a Care Home because she can longer maintain herself or her own home. Mother is adamant that she is going nowhere. We insist she needs to. Mother is intolerable. We do not feel guilty.
Thank you so much.😇😊😇
Most welcome 😊
When someone is an adult They are an adult! No one is under an obligation to sustain you
You wouldn't believe what I've gone through....
I find that my father is ungrateful and complains about everything I do for him! I’m getting ready to wash my hands of it all. I don’t wanna be his POA and I am resentful because I haven’t had a vacation since I took care of my dying husband! I smoke weed now. I have my own stuff to do myself! There’s nobody else to care for him! He is 84 and stubborn! 😳🤬🤬🤯
Me too...
My siblings doesn't help with my mom...and I'm tired.
I try to remember ppl still have dignity even if it makes sense to use a cane or wheelchair. The situation and stress is unbearable.
Hi! Do you offer 1:1 counseling? I'm taking care of my mom as a caregiver she has cancer
I feel bad i don't live with my parents anymore cus i work in another city and i see them 1 o 2 times at month, i feel so bad cus my mom is sick and only dad who's taking care of her.
It's so hard not being near, but there is so much help and support that you can do from far away.
Nursing homes in NJ can be negligent in giving them the care they need and they die sooner than later
I have been taking care of my elderly mother 82 for the last couple of years after my father died but her mental health has deteriorated quite a bit. She has post-traumatic stress and borderline personality disorder that she's had for years, but she has not gotten any help. I've noticed that it's become a daily struggle just to be able to deal with her anger and outbursts to the point where I am getting secondary PTSD. She is becoming very delusional believing that people are trying to kill her or betray her in some way. To be honest I am concerned for my safety because when she goes on her Rampages where she threatens to hurt me because she thinks that I am trying to hurt her or believes that I have some sort of evil conspiracy to do something to her "which I don't" threatens to get violence or get semi-violent with me "physical violence". I honestly don't know what to do, I come from a Hispanic culture we're putting somebody in a home is very frowned upon. So I really don't know what to do with her and every day she just keeps getting worse.
OMG Maria, this sounds like a stressful and scary situation! Please, please watch this video about paranoid delusions, it might help a little.
ruclips.net/video/XhAfHS3dDGA/видео.html
Many cultures hold high value in caring for the elderly, which is fabulous! However, no one, regardless of culture, should be placed in a dangerous situation like you are. I have seen many Hispanic families make the choice to get help in the home or even place an elder in a facility when the situation becomes unbearable and unsafe. It’s time to have a heart to heart with your family.
Go to asia and learned from stop all stupid excuses
@nurse Majola I was replying to someone who deleted their reply so my reply didn't make sense without the context. I was saying that you shouldn't just give your parents to an institution and never call them again or only on holidays. You should still call them and visit them regularly (when there is no covid).
I would never send my parents to a care home. Only their children can give them the love and attention they need and deserve in old age, and it's the least we can do considering they raised us and made that same sacrifice. I know some of you will disagree, and each of our situations in life vary, but this I can't ever justify. Call me young and shortsighted if you wish. If I was homeless, I would still try. If I had no arms and legs, I would still try...because our parents would never have given up on us. If that sounds like your parent, you're making a big mistake. That guilt you feel in your stomach is there for a reason. That's the truth stabbing you in the gut. Listen to it.
Did you watch the video?
Everyone may not have been treated so kindly as you obviously did through their childhood and adulthood by the parent they now are caring for.
@@notfree2899 I somewhat agree, and that’s why I said: “If that sounds like your parent”. There’s also something to be said about following your parents misdeeds. It all depends on the person.
@@truthorhappiness my mother and I were never close, she was never proud of me and always cutting me down. My brothers could do no wrong. My mother's 3rd husband died in march of 2019, they lived in Idaho and I had to go and get her, bring her back to MI. I have been taking care of her since, no help from anyone. She never nurtured me or spent any time with me. She left to go work second shift when I was 6 years old and continued until I left home. My dad played Mr. Mom to us kids..anyway, I'm very unhappy and drained taking care of her, she is 87. As the video is about, I feel guilty for wanting out of this. Something has to be done as I have to go back to work, savings is draining which was for my retirement. I do not enjoy being around her as I've held onto anger and hurt all these years. It's just a very difficult situation and I asked my brother for advice but he doesn't want to help at all even with advice. I need his help to talk her into assisted living and he refuses to help. I haven't had any relationships, I barely see my daughter anymore and I don't take care of myself because she has so many appointments and other things that take up my time. I wish I could have had a decent mother/ daughter relationship. Before my dad passed away he used to talk about how he felt bad that I didn't have a mother like I should have had and I've had aunts and friends of my mother say the same thing. I guess I will pray for a solution.
@@notfree2899 That is a very tough situation... My heart goes out to you... It sounds to me like you are a believer in God. If so then I think you already know the right choice to make in the eyes of the Lord. Pray and keep your faith strong. God can be a shield to help you endure life’s challenges. Perhaps having a second pair of hands around the house would ease the burden. Open your heart and you might just find that special person that could help you through these tough times. It’s harder to endure life alone. Maybe there’s a happy medium that can be found in your life. A state of being that one can cope with for a time. I believe everyone has to endure tough times at certain key points in their lives. These are lessons individually catered to us, which force us to grow on our spiritual journey.There is much suffering in the world, but joy can still be found where we least expect it.