Down depressed and hopeless is an understatement to how you feel when you become a caregiver. You feel like not only your life, but whole outlook is stolen from you. You feel like another person takes you over. Constantly on and never being able to even really have a bathroom break without worrying about whether your Alzheimer’s mother is going to accidentally hurt herself in the next room. It’s been about two years or more since she’s passed away and I still don’t feel like I’ve gotten myself back.
I’m so sorry. It’s sad you know, we really could support each other but we can’t get to each other because of our responsibilities. And I don’t know yet, but I imagine you still feel mentally exhausted. I’m giving you a virtual and Covid safe…{{{{hug}}}}
@Name is sturdy Thank you so much The hug is appreciated What I really wish Is that other people could understand what it’s like to be a caregiver. So many people think that say for example Alzheimer’s is like a form of amnesia and that it only affects memory. Alziemers makes a grown up into a 2 year old again. Tantrums and all. Having said that I hear so many insensitive comments from non caregiving people on the matter. They just think it’s so simple. It would help our mentalities a lot if other people would just try to read between the lines and understand. Comments like yours from people who are in the same boat though are quite helpful. So once again Thank you. It’s a battle you go through. Don’t let any inexperienced people push you around.
Chris!! I'm praying for you!!! I really mean it!! I can relate. My parents are the same age.. Omgosh, I love you, and I don't even know you!! Hang in there, and take head to helpful information. I came here today looking for help.. I read your comment. It stood out for me. Take care of yourself.
I am so sorry you are feeling overwhelmed and I know it is not easy, but I am glad you posted how you feel. It brings humanity and awareness to caregiver burden. Thank you for your courage, vulnerability and transparency! Please try to hang in there because you are not alone. I am most definitely praying for you and your father! God Bless You for caring for your father. If I can offer any encouragement, just please try to hold on. I to was in a similar situation caring for dad for 3 years. I had no end in sight and just when I thought I could not go on, GOD called him home. I lost my dad in October 2020. Again, you are an angel and GOD bless you!
@@bronzyace7996 Every word you posted made me feel better, validated and gave me inspiration and hope. On top of this global pandemic now being a caregiver is a beyond lonely experience. You are the angel Thank you 🙏❤
This speaks to me so much. My husband has Parkinson's and just had spine surgery due to osteomyelitis in his spine. Our 15 year old has autism. It's pretty hard.
I am caring for my 89 year mom with dementia and my 16 year old son with autism. I had to make the conscious effort to begin to focus more on my son since he has his whole life in front of him. My dad died in June and the pressure on me has been unbearable and I need to just step back.
Appreciate the easy days, folks. When the time comes that you have to live for someone at the end of their life, you'll understand the unmitigated joy and freedom of the days before the caregiving obligation.
I retired from my job of 36 years to care form my now 87 yr old dad. I loved my job and my friends and feels like I lost everything. I am constantly up and down and get 15,000 steps in just 5 rooms. He is sharp with his words and doesn't care how he treats people. My husband helps only for a few hours at night. By the time it is bedtime I am mentally drained and physically exhausted. I tried to bring in help, he was horrible to them. My brother is very sick, needs heart and lung transplant. I feel so overwhelmed and just want out your video says u need to b selfish to survive. I wish it was that easy. I love my dad, the person he is now is not my dad. One day I will get my life back. I take it day by day.
I’m praying for you, Rebecca ♥️ I also quit my job and moved to care for my grandpa (87, stroke victim, vascular dementia, bedbound, incontinent) and grandma (84, severe dementia, incontinent). I am the primary caretaker and live with them and my mom and aunt rotate weeks to help me. There has to be two people to change and move my grandpa because he cannot walk. I can’t imagine being by myself all of the time. Do you have any other siblings (I’m so sorry about your brother as well) or children or nieces/nephews that would be willing to help? It is overwhelming. You are so valuable to your family. I’m sending prayers and hopeful thoughts to you today.
Take heart sweetie. Take heart and have faith. I too had retired from my job to become my both my parents' full-time caregiver. Things happened fast btwn the two of them as if they were tagging each other to see who was it. In the last several years, I had to eventually put my mom in a nursing home. Then in 2020 she got covid but survived. In the meantime I had to care for my dad in his home. I had given up my home, my friends, my job, my life and was taking care of a man in his 90s who was growing crankier by the day. I had two older siblings that did not help much. Btwn arranging patio/window visits and dad breaking his hip and two terrible UTI's...I thought I was going to lose my mind. But God knows how much we can take. My dad passed in 2021 at 94 yrs old. My mom is still alive and will be 95 tomorrow. I have since gone back to work and trying to find me again. It's a slow and weird process but one thing I'm grateful for, is that I was there for them both. Some days were harder than others but then there were days that small blessings came about. Someone left groceries on the porch, a neighbor shoveled me out the driveway, someone else came to mow the lawn. Bless you on this journey ...🌈🌈🌈🌈
This is dam true. My mom cared for my great aunt, my grandma, and my grandma. All three had cancer and other medical crises... Now my mom has cancer and it's worse and more aggressive than any of my grand elders... And now I'm scared of getting sick as her caretaker and I'm only 27....feel like my whole life has been stolen from me ... What you said here is sooo true.
i can see and empathize with u, hope u get good family, friend, or any social support to survive the ordeal.....and become somebody a higher version of you.
Hey :) I noticed your comment and just wanted to send some encouragement. I am 28 and care for my grandparents full time. There are not a lot of people our age in this situation. You are so valuable to your family and I am sending prayer and hopeful thoughts to you today.
My son had a heart transplant last year and this has been a 15 year journey. Therapy is so necessary. I’m struggling but I’m doing better. I hope things get better for anyone reading this message ❤️💕
How am i supose ro attend support group when if i leave the room i here "were are you going" i canteven go out and work in the yard of sit outside for air. going to rhe store is my only time alone and im told i take too long doing that. So there is no wayto attend a meeting Lucky im not a alcholic i coulnt do to AAeither
Yes, it is not easy to have a moment to yourself, but you have to set boundaries and as the speaker stated, be a little selfish. You have to do that for your own peace of mind and mental health. Just let your loved one know you have to take a moment for yourself. Hopefully they will understand. If not, you still have to do so because you cannot provide them with a quality level of care without caring for yourself.
What I do with my dad is I explain before the event what I am going to do and under no circumstances should I be interrupted unless there is an emergency. I repeat this 3 to 4 times and he gets the picture. I also found that waking up early before he rises allows me to have quiet personal time with my coffee and good book. I don't care how tired I am, I still get up early to have that time.
Oh boy can I relate. What really angers me is my older brother who is 10 mins away...goes in his vacations, treats me like dirt, says that I'm no good...yet I'm living here, taking care of my mother AND his.
I went through a similar experience as a caregiver for my mother. I took care of her for eight years. I was so NOT ready for that. I did my best, but I honestly never expected to take care of my mother at the age of 27. My mom died August 2021. I'm learning how to live without her; it's going to take time. I focused so much of my mind upon her and now I'm trying to learn what to live for now. I wish that the healthcare system had given me this kind of help while I cared for my mother. There was a caregiver group, but I never ended up joining it.
I'd really like to know how to become selfish......when I'm caring for a 92 year old father totally by myself, unpaid. I can't drive, family and friends don't offer to help and we can't afford outside help. I don't ask this sarcastically, but honestly. How does someone like myself who has literally no one else, become more selfish? After 4 years of this, 24/7, I'm going downhill fast.
Dear soul, Theresa, Self-care, the most important thing you can do. Eat plants, focus on greens, fruits, juicing, fasting now and then even for just 24 hours, and stay far away from numbing devices such as news, social media (unless they are support groups) alcohol, junk food and processed foods and sugar. These things are key! I am caregiver to my elderly mother who has dementia after a lifetime of being a narcissistic charter, even worse, covert and plays victim. All while psychologically, emotionally, verbally and even physically abusing me. I still spare her reputation because of her own childhood trauma that created the monster that took over her body, as well as for my own karma, taking the high road because I know the truth and so does my co-creator. God. Get deeply in touch with your own feelings, your emotions and remind yourself daily you are a good human. Do gentle stretching and yoga. Do mindfulness work. Breathe.. Keep a gratitude journal, very important, and a separate journal to write your day to day “feelings”, happenings and emotions. Be kind to yourself. Get in nature whenever possible, near trees, water, meditate or just slow down the inner dialog that can get the best of you, get close to wildlife, birds, raccoons, squirrels, rabbits, insects and join their world for a simple escape. Get a cat, or 3, if you can, they are truly healing little spirits and earth angels. Lastly: Focus on your most fondest dreams, hope and goals, no matter how impossible they seem, because all things are possible all of the time. Importantly, BELIEVE you deserve the best in life. Because you do. This isn’t a curse to carry this huge burden and trying to keep dignity in tack. Just know that you were meant to live out this life lesson and experience, as one that is making you stronger and and even better human than ever before. Look up Dr Joe Dispenza, Louise Hay and Dr Wayne Dyer to listen to words of inspiration. I wish you well.🙏🏽
@@CgColleenGorman Thank you for your beautifully worded comment. I felt uplifted just reading it. It's people like you who give me a sense of hope. I will try your suggestions! (Although, I do have two cats and love them dearly). Thank you again!
@Emily Welsh Thank you, Emily! I was journaling for awhile but have gotten away from it. I will give it another try. I am in an online caregiver support group but even that hasn't been helping much. Perhaps journaling will get me in touch with my feelings again. Hugs and thank you for the prayers!
Powerful message and delivery that resonated with me! As caregivers, it is vital that we continue taking care of ourselves. Thank-you for brining awareness to all of us!
I've been caretaking family members on and off for twenty six years. Now I'm in the process of taking care of a selfish, manipulative, controlling family member. I feel my whole life has been ripped away from me every waking moment. The stress has become so intolerable until my medications for insomnia and anxiety no longer work. At this point, I don't feel any guilt because I'm in a battle for my own sanity and well being. I made a promise to myself that if I get through this I will never ever be a care giver to anyone again.
It’s exhausting to take care of an inconsiderate, selfish, and manipulative person. It does feel like your life has been taken away, that has been my experience. I’m putting my 92yo on a schedule that allows me to have some time for myself, and even though she’s trying to keep that from happening, I’m going to stick to it. You’ve been at this a lot longer than I have, so just know that someone out here in “interweb land” is sending you some caring vibes and big “hope to cope” juju as you find your way back to you❣️
I became a caregiver when I was just a teenager. I was lucky enough to play more of a supporting role in caregiving, while my mother took over more of the personal caregiving. I wish she could have seen this video then.
I wish I would have looked up these videos in the last few months of my mom's life. I honestly cry more out of guilt and regret than anything. I miss you so much mom. I am so so sorry.
I was feeling resentful but this is so lovely and an example to me of an outlook I will adopt ❤Thankyou & May you & your wife thrive as a result of this mindset you have x
I stopped my nursing career. Ended up caregiving for 5 family members. Lost my 2 best friends during Covid. Im exhausted and lost track of taking care of myself. My children and grandchildren live in another state. ( 2000 miles) i would love to be spending more time visiting them. But im in this with caring for my parents. My sibling does not help at all. Anyway, really getting my stress down and made some progress. Finally got to stop a bit and get to my doctor's appointments. Burned out. Got selfish and put my care for front and followed through. Balancing and putting yourself first, is really so important!
Powerful message about what really happens when we care for our loved ones and the absolute need to take care of ourselves first. Dave's message really hit home for me having been in the same position before. Everyone who loves someone needs to see this talk.
Does anyone think that autoimmune disorders can result from being a caregiver? Taking care of mom plus C-19 has kept me in the house for three years. I leave occasionally for doctor’s appointments, and some I have ignored, or delayed, you know the drill. My brother moved in a couple of years ago and works full time and does all of our errands. He’s an amazing person. Mom is 90 and not doing well. I have no idea what is going to happen when she’s gone. I’m 56 and left my job as a professional ten years ago when I started taking care of both mom and dad, and eventually stopped keeping up with the licensure requirements. There’s no gold buried in the backyard and a few years ago I did ask my dad if he had life insurance. I wasn’t asking for any nefarious reasons, I think a commercial came on. The ones that talk about the cost of a funeral. Wrong question to ask! Hindsight. The future just seems, I don’t know. Is there one? You lose so much doing what’s right. I’m so sorry to go on and on. I think this video was three years ago and I wanted to vent a little. If anyone does see this, I’m wishing you health and happiness angels!
Good words. Thank you for sharing. Written well. It always helps, no matter how small, to know there are others that are going, or have gone through this same ... 'thing' I miss life I miss..Me.
Great! Inspiring and encouraging but I kept waiting for one thing and never heard it -- HOW??????? HOW to be selfish as a caregiver? WHAT does that look like? Some PRACTICAL STEPS, please!
I agree! I live with and care for my 92 year old dad, 24/7. I have no one else to help me. How do I put my needs first when there's no one to give me a break? I want to know "how" as well! He didn't address that at all!
Thank you, its true so much, caregivers, especially good one, burn out but share someone life to take care, they give their heart to love one, even they is not a relatives...Thank you for GOOD WORDS...
been doing caregiver full time 4 years ago then moved to Being provider, then now coming back to being caregiver again brings back the sense of my freedom , my dreams going to be taken away , i love my mom but sometimes this is being too much 😢
I’ve been caring for my 85 year old mom with Alzheimer’s for 5+ years without a single day off. I’ve never been so physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted in my life. It’s like you lose who you are and no longer have a life.
People/friends do drop off, they also offer to help but it can be hard to figure out what to tell them. What is realistic assistance. Getting help before caregiver burn-out is vital, but getting help AFTER caregiver burn-out can be life or death!
That’s were I’m at. I realize I don’t want anyone to help, because I am embarrassed for them to see my house. Especially my friends. It makes it seem like I don’t want help.
Thanks for sharing this! Yes depression and isolation and feel guilty as I don't do enough, though loved ones have other supports, its still exhausting. Pray to God a lot and He helps me.
Exactly a year ago my mom started Dialysis at the Hospital. Im 38 male only child, unmarried. She chose Peritoneal dialysis ( at home daily 11 hours process).. my dad is 62 works hard labor. I work in social services so i knew the in outs of all state federal programs, etc.. but damn its hard.
My God, I just found this video and I feel like this man was describing me. My 79 year old father had a traumatic brain injury 6 months ago and what was supposed to just be a few days to help him ( I flew in out of state), turned into 6 months! I have no help at all besides weekends when my brother comes. I feel hopeless, helpless, and angry. I feel like my life has been stolen from me and so alone. I flounder, wondering if I'm doing the right thing every day and am depressed. I miss my husband, we've been apart this entire time and just sleeping in my own bed. Watching this video has given me hope that it is okay to be selfish and that I need to find a support group or therapy FAST!
My son had a heart transplant last year and this has been a 15 year journey. Therapy is so necessary. I’m struggling but I’m doing better. I hope things get better for you 💕
For two years I kept willingly helping my husband with his health and depression and I did wonders but very obviously I was not able to give myself the care I needed and that ruined our relationship. And now is so striking why, because we cared so much about the other, He being the sweetest person he is, he broke up with me to save me from the stress and the load that I did not know how to handle. This happened less than 5 days ago and I am moving with family to heal my body and mind, I hope that in the future I can do with my life what I could not do in the stories I wrote and is to live a story worth telling.
Me too! Never heard HOW TO. Kept waiting for some practical steps. Inspiring and encouraging, but HOW??? Tell us what you did! A big buildup, then a huge let down is how I felt -- still on my own with no help or answers. It never came.
Stand up and start making decisions about what you want in your life. Maybe put the person you are caring for in a nursing home. Make some kind of decision to make yourself feel free to enjoy your life. Life is too short to be tired and hopeless all the time .
What should do when family says it’s your responsibility only and others should not be even asked for. It’s not easy when easy for elderly because they are now try to adjust their life in a new environment and for you when you are trying to adjust your life having to take care of them
My husband has myotonic dystrophy, and it's gotten worse in the last yr and half, then i lost my job at the beginning of 2024 (57 yrs old) then we had a leak in the kitchen and they came in and ripped up my cabinets (wking w/insurance)....although our house is paid off, we owe 45 thousand due problems with our hm in the last yr....My husband and i had a huge blow fight because i do EVERYTHING...I'm no longer a woman or even his wife, just his nurse maid.
Similiar. I hate no longer having a husband/wife physically intimate relationship and knowing it won't be until he dies that I may even have a chance to rediscover that. Seeing him sitting there just watching TV while I take Care of everything physical around the house makes me resentful. I'm mad that there's no one to care for me. I can't go out to the grocery store without having to take into consideration his needs and making sure I am back in to for ____. Will I ever have a life again? It's exhausting. How are you coping now?
@marlahockfeld2984 I have my good days and bad days....it's hard but I try not to be hateful, it's not his fault but it's absolutely hard....I wish I had a strong man around the house...but that's life huh...
I just watched this video today and that is what I learn in caring for my mother with dementia, me first. I wake up early to have my coffee while enjoying the morning, then her rime for breakfast, I eat my lunch earlier than usual to have a full stomach and so I will not be grumpy because she eats slow or she is not in her best self. A list goes on on how I give care while being selfish, these selfishness gives me strenght and less stress to survive being a caregiver. I value that if I am healthy my mother will have the best care from me. I still get exhausted and sad and a lot things negative that is why I find help through my cousins that can give me abundant love and advise, neighbors who are willing to listen to my woes and self help like this videos and some reading.
If you have the funds and can find a good caregiver to trust your family member with. Of course you were able to survive it well,no man is going to direct care for long.
yup, I take care of an 86 year old father. My entire life revolves around him and the house. I work a full time job, then go home and take care of dad. Do I feel isolated? Yes..... Nobody comes and visits. A few of dad's friends do. I feel guilty for feeling trapped, not having a social life anymore, and most conversations revolve around medications, doctors, and weather he had a bowel movement that day or not. I feel guilty for feeling my life has been put on hold, forgetting that dad's life has been on hold too. Being active all his life, he never slowed down. Now, he needs a walker to walk slowly, has health issues which don't allow him to do much except sit in his chair and watch tv. Have I entertained suicidal thoughts from time to time? Sure..... I have asked God why He just can't take me home now. I'm still here....... I have decided though that when the time comes where I can go out and do things again, I WILL go visit those people in the same situation dad and I are in right now. It gets lonely. Complete lifestyle change.
This video helped, I'm currently caring for my 83 yr old father with dementia. Currently joined support group knowing I'm not alone and I do ask for help.
While I appreciate this video, how do you put yourself first when there is no one else to give you a break from the disabled person? It's like taking care of a helpless newborn. The baby's needs come first. You could take a break to rest and let the baby cry, but I personally couldn't do that.
Incredible delivery!! I just reminded myself this morning to put MY mask on FIRST! Being lovingly selfish is KEY! Thanking God that I came upon you today!! Blessings to you and Charlene!
What might be helpful would be to talk specifics. How did you become selfish? What did you begin doing for yourself? Telling caregivers that they will die (30%) before their "patient"... even less helpful. I can't tell you how many people point that out to me. It only made me more depressed. This TEDx Talk did absolutely nothing to instruct on how to be selfish to survive.
"Being selfish " Is doing something YOU enjoy example .. Going for a walk on a nature trail , Ridding a bike , cooking food you enjoy . Sleeping in late it's anything that you like .
So .. I'm supposed to leave my 81 yr old mom who has fallen multiple times because she gets up without her walker now for getting to eat I guess literally no help from anyone no one!! Been here over 3 years took care of my dad who was on hospice and my mom dad passed away 2 years ago I'm not doing a good job I've told the nurse that comes here once a week that she can see that and they all say you got to take time for yourself so I'm just going to go off and do whatever I want and leave my mom alone how do I do this how do I be selfish
@@fredsadler16 I'm in a pretty similar situation. I have no other help whatsoever. What do those of us do to become "selfish" when we literally can't even leave them?
@@debby891 I'm sorry to hear this. My situation has changed recently as my mother has been in hospital and is now too immobile to go back home. Since this has happened, my sister has been visiting more, she stays at my mums flat (where which she has moved things around to make it nicer for her stays) and she now enjoys weekends in central London with the occassional popping in to see my mother, at her care home, to make her stays legit. Yes my blood boils but I've seen her in a different light and realise she mustn't be right in the head. Rather than being incredibly angry with her all the time I now feel sorry for her. Of course on the still rare occasions shes with my mum she WhatsApp's my mums friends to show how amazing she is. I just let her get on with it. I hope things ease for you.
Aside from being a caregiver you still have all of the other problems that life brings to you. After assisting with my parents ongoing care and being responsible for all of their issues which are not just health related i have stopped making them priority. I am now priority. My health, sleep, nutrition, exercise, relationships, and so on are priority otherwise i can not be of any help. I go on vocations, go out on the town, belong to an exercise group, attend get togethers and so on. Beforehand i wouldnt. I would say that i couldn't because of medical appointments, ER visits, hospital stays, rehab stays, etc. People do judge but they arw not in my shoes, my body, my mind.
Fair enough, I can’t be a good partner to the other 3 women and kids in my life if I have to dedicate myself to the one needing care. So, ideally I can be with a person who is hard of hearing or blind or mute but not all 3 at the same time. The person should otherwise be mentally normal so that I can do justice to my other wives. Also, the person should be athletic and outgoing as I am outdoorsy. So, yes you are right you have to be long sighted and practical. You should gauge if you could do justice to yourself as well as others that are in your life. You should spend some time maybe a few hours for a week maybe to see what it would be like to make them your partner!
it was me and my father in his house, he lost all control of his body and his mind was going and he would make unrealistic demands, he would want to go to his chair in the living room...then the bed in his bedroom....the chair.... then the bed...chair bed...he would call out to me every 10 minutes to do this or that, over again despite doing what he wished all thru the night , he literally wouldnt sleep..while calling my name over and over again just to tell me things he had already said..well the last time as would happen I would fall asleep to him calling me from the other room and I woke up in the morning and I heard him calling as usual and went to the living room where the chair is to find him on the ground, he slid out of his chair at some point... I lifted him up and brought him to his bed where he was talking gibberish, and it got to the point we thought it might be a stroke. he went on to pass away they werent sure if it was his heart or a stroke, but I feel guilty that I wasnt there to help him when he slid out of his chair....I know he is in heaven, but if I went to him everytime single time he called me thru the night when I had to sleep I would be a zombie. these are things ytou never think will happen to you when you take on caregiving.
Exactly!! My husband has been verbally and physically abusive to me over the years. I ended up his caregiver and now I'm trying to get him in a nursing home. It's all a mess!! I just want my life back and my JOY!!☹️
I wish someone would have told me this much earlier. I wish I had known that in order to survive so much sadness, stress, and even abuse from his family, I had to learn to b selfish. I was a caregiver 2 1/2 years for a wonderful human being. Sometimes, we caregivers have to deal with jealousy and greed from the family of the person we r taking care of. Sometimes, that even causes the premature death of the elderly. Sometimes, some of us caregivers care a lot much more for the person we r helping to take care of than his/her own family does. Sometimes, we caregivers (not blood related) grief a whole lot more than his/her own family does. It is my case.
Is tough because one cares but there is a reason why a person needs caregiving and often is because their behavior has lead them to where they are and they want to be independent but they cant otherwise they will have the sweet relief of death that no one wants to give them except God.
Being a Christian is the best support possible. Be amongst other believers, go to a bible based church. Let GOD handle your fears, worries and concerns, put it on Him. I would love to find a Christian Caregiver Support Group.
I am a Christian ♥️ I've been a caregiver to a selfish, lying abusive narcissistic man for twelve years. I'm trying to get him in a nursing home and hope I don't lose my home. I'm done!! I really believe a caregiver has to get sick and tired and mostly angry before we actually stand up with courage and do something!!
What does that mean? I have no clue. In my 30’s I was caregiver to my sweet father. Meanwhile I was working full time and had 3 children to care for. Now in my 70’s I have a lovely sweet husband who needs care. I do appreciate Dave’s comment about guilty feelings. Even if you have nothing to feel guilty about. Intellectually, I know I have limitations but the emotions that come with love are strong.
I live/care for my mom for 7 years now. For me, I've started getting up earlier to have some me time and have breakfast. Even though I get paid through the state, I ask my siblings for help when it's to much. When she asks me to do something I know she could do I'll ask if she can try to do it. I give her tasks like washing dishes or making dinner sometimes even tho the dishes might not be totally clean or the meal was over cooked. If that means she can be as independent and feel like she's contributing and I can get a little sanity back it works for us. I did have to learn to be selfish, he's exactly right! I almost lost my mind at 37. If tasks don't get done I don't worry as much about it anymore. I do what I can and that's all can do for the day.
I wonder how strong you would be if you were alone your spouse has advanced Alzheimers and no family members to help you and not enough money to pay for help!
I love my 82 years old grandma so much more than myself ! But the worst part for me is not being able to have my own feelings god forbid I’m not putting on my happy face she starts saying I know I’m too much for you she wants to leave and will sometimes cry and make me feel so bad I really have to hide my own facial expressions and then I let it out on my husband and he doesn’t understand at all he thinks what I do is all easy peasy 😫
I wanted to listen and pick apart all of his statements. I wont. I am here to say, I have been a caregiver for over 14 years. My clients dictate how my life goes. If my client requires dementia care, i will be willing to sacrifice hours to make sure they are protected from corruption. If my client has there wits.. I am willing to let them make there own decisions.
A rather slick and way too short presentation on a very complex issue.This did not go nearly deep enough. No details on just what being "selfish" looks like. What things did he do to take care of himself while taking care of his wife? Did he hire in home help? Did his kids ever offer to help? How did they manage financially?
When I was burnt out I realized that I needed time for myself so I started getting up earlier to prepare myself for the rest of the day. If I start my day with the person I care for at 7 or 8, I organize enough time before that to eat breakfast, workout, pray, watch motivational videos or even cartoons. Whatever makes me feel more energized for the day, I try to include this in my earliest hours of waking up. I’m still learning as I go, as this is new to me but I feel much better. If it weren’t for the Holy Spirit I’d still be feeling burnt out and sick, as I did in the earlier months of being a caregiver.❤
Down depressed and hopeless is an understatement to how you feel when you become a caregiver. You feel like not only your life, but whole outlook is stolen from you. You feel like another person takes you over. Constantly on and never being able to even really have a bathroom break without worrying about whether your Alzheimer’s mother is going to accidentally hurt herself in the next room. It’s been about two years or more since she’s passed away and I still don’t feel like I’ve gotten myself back.
Thank you for sharing. This seems the only place to find others in the same situation to have some relief.
I’m so sorry. It’s sad you know, we really could support each other but we can’t get to each other because of our responsibilities. And I don’t know yet, but I imagine you still feel mentally exhausted.
I’m giving you a virtual and Covid safe…{{{{hug}}}}
@Name is sturdy
Thank you so much
The hug is appreciated
What I really wish
Is that other people could understand what it’s like to be a caregiver. So many people think that say for example Alzheimer’s is like a form of amnesia and that it only affects memory. Alziemers makes a grown up into a 2 year old again. Tantrums and all.
Having said that I hear so many insensitive comments from non caregiving people on the matter. They just think it’s so simple. It would help our mentalities a lot if other people would just try to read between the lines and understand.
Comments like yours from people who are in the same boat though are quite helpful. So once again
Thank you. It’s a battle you go through. Don’t let any inexperienced people push you around.
I felt this in my very soul
@@kristinbennett9692 thanks Kristin
I am exhausted, scared and overwhelmed taking care of my 82 year old father.
Please pray for me.
Chris!! I'm praying for you!!! I really mean it!! I can relate. My parents are the same age.. Omgosh, I love you, and I don't even know you!! Hang in there, and take head to helpful information. I came here today looking for help.. I read your comment. It stood out for me. Take care of yourself.
I am so sorry you are feeling overwhelmed and I know it is not easy, but I am glad you posted how you feel. It brings humanity and awareness to caregiver burden. Thank you for your courage, vulnerability and transparency! Please try to hang in there because you are not alone. I am most definitely praying for you and your father! God Bless You for caring for your father. If I can offer any encouragement, just please try to hold on. I to was in a similar situation caring for dad for 3 years. I had no end in sight and just when I thought I could not go on, GOD called him home. I lost my dad in October 2020. Again, you are an angel and GOD bless you!
@@bronzyace7996
Every word you posted made me feel better, validated and gave me inspiration and hope. On top of this global pandemic now being a caregiver is a beyond lonely experience.
You are the angel
Thank you
🙏❤
@@chrislim7976 Thank you for posting. You are continually in my prayers!
I feel you. I'm there too. Let's pray for each other.
Being around sick people.makes u feel sick
This speaks to me so much. My husband has Parkinson's and just had spine surgery due to osteomyelitis in his spine. Our 15 year old has autism. It's pretty hard.
I am caring for my 89 year mom with dementia and my 16 year old son with autism. I had to make the conscious effort to begin to focus more on my son since he has his whole life in front of him. My dad died in June and the pressure on me has been unbearable and I need to just step back.
❤️❤️❤️🙏
Appreciate the easy days, folks. When the time comes that you have to live for someone at the end of their life, you'll understand the unmitigated joy and freedom of the days before the caregiving obligation.
Hard to give to others when your own bucket is empty. I started watching it because this is one of the bad days.
I retired from my job of 36 years to care form my now 87 yr old dad. I loved my job and my friends and feels like I lost everything. I am constantly up and down and get 15,000 steps in just 5 rooms. He is sharp with his words and doesn't care how he treats people. My husband helps only for a few hours at night. By the time it is bedtime I am mentally drained and physically exhausted. I tried to bring in help, he was horrible to them. My brother is very sick, needs heart and lung transplant. I feel so overwhelmed and just want out your video says u need to b selfish to survive. I wish it was that easy. I love my dad, the person he is now is not my dad. One day I will get my life back. I take it day by day.
I hope you are doing better, what you do is priceless
I’m praying for you, Rebecca ♥️ I also quit my job and moved to care for my grandpa (87, stroke victim, vascular dementia, bedbound, incontinent) and grandma (84, severe dementia, incontinent). I am the primary caretaker and live with them and my mom and aunt rotate weeks to help me. There has to be two people to change and move my grandpa because he cannot walk. I can’t imagine being by myself all of the time. Do you have any other siblings (I’m so sorry about your brother as well) or children or nieces/nephews that would be willing to help? It is overwhelming. You are so valuable to your family. I’m sending prayers and hopeful thoughts to you today.
Take heart sweetie. Take heart and have faith. I too had retired from my job to become my both my parents' full-time caregiver. Things happened fast btwn the two of them as if they were tagging each other to see who was it. In the last several years, I had to eventually put my mom in a nursing home. Then in 2020 she got covid but survived. In the meantime I had to care for my dad in his home. I had given up my home, my friends, my job, my life and was taking care of a man in his 90s who was growing crankier by the day. I had two older siblings that did not help much. Btwn arranging patio/window visits and dad breaking his hip and two terrible UTI's...I thought I was going to lose my mind. But God knows how much we can take. My dad passed in 2021 at 94 yrs old. My mom is still alive and will be 95 tomorrow. I have since gone back to work and trying to find me again. It's a slow and weird process but one thing I'm grateful for, is that I was there for them both. Some days were harder than others but then there were days that small blessings came about. Someone left groceries on the porch, a neighbor shoveled me out the driveway, someone else came to mow the lawn. Bless you on this journey ...🌈🌈🌈🌈
This is dam true. My mom cared for my great aunt, my grandma, and my grandma. All three had cancer and other medical crises... Now my mom has cancer and it's worse and more aggressive than any of my grand elders... And now I'm scared of getting sick as her caretaker and I'm only 27....feel like my whole life has been stolen from me ... What you said here is sooo true.
i can see and empathize with u, hope u get good family, friend, or any social support to survive the ordeal.....and become somebody a higher version of you.
Hey :) I noticed your comment and just wanted to send some encouragement. I am 28 and care for my grandparents full time. There are not a lot of people our age in this situation. You are so valuable to your family and I am sending prayer and hopeful thoughts to you today.
I thought I was the only one who thought that.
I'm also 28 taking care of my father
My son had a heart transplant last year and this has been a 15 year journey. Therapy is so necessary. I’m struggling but I’m doing better. I hope things get better for anyone reading this message ❤️💕
How am i supose ro attend support group when if i leave the room i here "were are you going" i canteven go out and work in the yard of sit outside for air. going to rhe store is my only time alone and im told i take too long doing that. So there is no wayto attend a meeting
Lucky im not a alcholic i coulnt do to AAeither
Set boundaries.
You are a selfless person but you literally do not want to lose yourself.
Yes, it is not easy to have a moment to yourself, but you have to set boundaries and as the speaker stated, be a little selfish. You have to do that for your own peace of mind and mental health. Just let your loved one know you have to take a moment for yourself. Hopefully they will understand. If not, you still have to do so because you cannot provide them with a quality level of care without caring for yourself.
What I do with my dad is I explain before the event what I am going to do and under no circumstances should I be interrupted unless there is an emergency. I repeat this 3 to 4 times and he gets the picture. I also found that waking up early before he rises allows me to have quiet personal time with my coffee and good book. I don't care how tired I am, I still get up early to have that time.
Oh boy can I relate. What really angers me is my older brother who is 10 mins away...goes in his vacations, treats me like dirt, says that I'm no good...yet I'm living here, taking care of my mother AND his.
@@BetterOff735 amen...i can relate to that...totally...
I went through a similar experience as a caregiver for my mother. I took care of her for eight years. I was so NOT ready for that. I did my best, but I honestly never expected to take care of my mother at the age of 27. My mom died August 2021. I'm learning how to live without her; it's going to take time. I focused so much of my mind upon her and now I'm trying to learn what to live for now. I wish that the healthcare system had given me this kind of help while I cared for my mother. There was a caregiver group, but I never ended up joining it.
I'd really like to know how to become selfish......when I'm caring for a 92 year old father totally by myself, unpaid. I can't drive, family and friends don't offer to help and we can't afford outside help. I don't ask this sarcastically, but honestly. How does someone like myself who has literally no one else, become more selfish? After 4 years of this, 24/7, I'm going downhill fast.
Same
Dear soul, Theresa,
Self-care, the most important thing you can do. Eat plants, focus on greens, fruits, juicing, fasting now and then even for just 24 hours, and stay far away from numbing devices such as news, social media (unless they are support groups) alcohol, junk food and processed foods and sugar. These things are key! I am caregiver to my elderly mother who has dementia after a lifetime of being a narcissistic charter, even worse, covert and plays victim. All while psychologically, emotionally, verbally and even physically abusing me. I still spare her reputation because of her own childhood trauma that created the monster that took over her body, as well as for my own karma, taking the high road because I know the truth and so does my co-creator. God.
Get deeply in touch with your own feelings, your emotions and remind yourself daily you are a good human.
Do gentle stretching and yoga. Do mindfulness work. Breathe.. Keep a gratitude journal, very important, and a separate journal to write your day to day “feelings”, happenings and emotions. Be kind to yourself.
Get in nature whenever possible, near trees, water, meditate or just slow down the inner dialog that can get the best of you, get close to wildlife, birds, raccoons, squirrels, rabbits, insects and join their world for a simple escape. Get a cat, or 3, if you can, they are truly healing little spirits and earth angels.
Lastly: Focus on your most fondest dreams, hope and goals, no matter how impossible they seem, because all things are possible all of the time. Importantly, BELIEVE you deserve the best in life. Because you do. This isn’t a curse to carry this huge burden and trying to keep dignity in tack. Just know that you were meant to live out this life lesson and experience, as one that is making you stronger and and even better human than ever before.
Look up Dr Joe Dispenza, Louise Hay and Dr Wayne Dyer to listen to words of inspiration.
I wish you well.🙏🏽
@@CgColleenGorman Thank you for your beautifully worded comment. I felt uplifted just reading it. It's people like you who give me a sense of hope. I will try your suggestions! (Although, I do have two cats and love them dearly). Thank you again!
@Emily Welsh Thank you, Emily! I was journaling for awhile but have gotten away from it. I will give it another try. I am in an online caregiver support group but even that hasn't been helping much. Perhaps journaling will get me in touch with my feelings again. Hugs and thank you for the prayers!
Me too😢
Powerful message and delivery that resonated with me! As caregivers, it is vital that we continue taking care of ourselves. Thank-you for brining awareness to all of us!
I've been caretaking family members on and off for twenty six years. Now I'm in the process of taking care of a selfish, manipulative, controlling family member. I feel my whole life has been ripped away from me every waking moment. The stress has become so intolerable until my medications for insomnia and anxiety no longer work. At this point, I don't feel any guilt because I'm in a battle for my own sanity and well being. I made a promise to myself that if I get through this I will never ever be a care giver to anyone again.
It’s exhausting to take care of an inconsiderate, selfish, and manipulative person. It does feel like your life has been taken away, that has been my experience. I’m putting my 92yo on a schedule that allows me to have some time for myself, and even though she’s trying to keep that from happening, I’m going to stick to it. You’ve been at this a lot longer than I have, so just know that someone out here in “interweb land” is sending you some caring vibes and big “hope to cope” juju as you find your way back to you❣️
Find an alternative, fast
@@susannyloves thank you. I really appreciate it.
I became a caregiver when I was just a teenager. I was lucky enough to play more of a supporting role in caregiving, while my mother took over more of the personal caregiving. I wish she could have seen this video then.
I wish I would have looked up these videos in the last few months of my mom's life. I honestly cry more out of guilt and regret than anything. I miss you so much mom. I am so so sorry.
I was feeling resentful but this is so lovely and an example to me of an outlook I will adopt ❤Thankyou & May you & your wife thrive as a result of this mindset you have x
I stopped my nursing career. Ended up caregiving for 5 family members. Lost my 2 best friends during Covid. Im exhausted and lost track of taking care of myself. My children and grandchildren live in another state. ( 2000 miles) i would love to be spending more time visiting them. But im in this with caring for my parents. My sibling does not help at all. Anyway, really getting my stress down and made some progress. Finally got to stop a bit and get to my doctor's appointments. Burned out. Got selfish and put my care for front and followed through. Balancing and putting yourself first, is really so important!
I became a caregiver when my son was diagnosed with Autism. Is been 15 years and will be until I'm gone
I was a caregiver, it was an awful experience nothing rewarding about it.
True especially if there is cognitive decline involved.
Yes,I agree ☹️
Powerful message about what really happens when we care for our loved ones and the absolute need to take care of ourselves first. Dave's message really hit home for me having been in the same position before. Everyone who loves someone needs to see this talk.
Thank you!
Does anyone think that autoimmune disorders can result from being a caregiver? Taking care of mom plus C-19 has kept me in the house for three years.
I leave occasionally for doctor’s appointments, and some I have ignored, or delayed, you know the drill.
My brother moved in a couple of years ago and works full time and does all of our errands. He’s an amazing person.
Mom is 90 and not doing well. I have no idea what is going to happen when she’s gone. I’m 56 and left my job as a professional ten years ago when I started taking care of both mom and dad, and eventually stopped keeping up with the licensure requirements.
There’s no gold buried in the backyard and a few years ago I did ask my dad if he had life insurance. I wasn’t asking for any nefarious reasons, I think a commercial came on. The ones that talk about the cost of a funeral. Wrong question to ask! Hindsight.
The future just seems, I don’t know. Is there one? You lose so much doing what’s right.
I’m so sorry to go on and on. I think this video was three years ago and I wanted to vent a little. If anyone does see this, I’m wishing you health and happiness angels!
Good words. Thank you for sharing. Written well. It always helps, no matter how small, to know there are others that are going, or have gone through this same ... 'thing'
I miss life
I miss..Me.
Feel free to vent, if it helps, take one day at a time, I know, easier said than done
@@BetterOff735 I just saw your message, thank you so much!
@@carolmusselman8859 thank you for listening! Means a lot! Hoping you are doing well!
I feel you. We are in the same situation. I wish you are doing well too
Great! Inspiring and encouraging but I kept waiting for one thing and never heard it -- HOW??????? HOW to be selfish as a caregiver? WHAT does that look like? Some PRACTICAL STEPS, please!
I agree! I live with and care for my 92 year old dad, 24/7. I have no one else to help me. How do I put my needs first when there's no one to give me a break? I want to know "how" as well! He didn't address that at all!
I know. Wasted me time watching this wanting help !
Thank you, its true so much, caregivers, especially good one, burn out but share someone life to take care, they give their heart to love one, even they is not a relatives...Thank you for GOOD WORDS...
been doing caregiver full time 4 years ago then moved to Being provider, then now coming back to being caregiver again brings back the sense of my freedom , my dreams going to be taken away , i love my mom but sometimes this is being too much 😢
I’ve been caring for my 85 year old mom with Alzheimer’s for 5+ years without a single day off. I’ve never been so physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted in my life. It’s like you lose who you are and no longer have a life.
People/friends do drop off, they also offer to help but it can be hard to figure out what to tell them. What is realistic assistance. Getting help before caregiver burn-out is vital, but getting help AFTER caregiver burn-out can be life or death!
So True
That’s were I’m at. I realize I don’t want anyone to help, because I am embarrassed for them to see my house. Especially my friends. It makes it seem like I don’t want help.
@@roxannemckinney5957 same. I make my clients who are loved ones homes spotless but I can barely do my dishes
Pray for us
Thanks for sharing this! Yes depression and isolation and feel guilty as I don't do enough, though loved ones have other supports, its still exhausting. Pray to God a lot and He helps me.
You are doing more than enough
Exactly a year ago my mom started Dialysis at the Hospital. Im 38 male only child, unmarried. She chose Peritoneal dialysis ( at home daily 11 hours process).. my dad is 62 works hard labor. I work in social services so i knew the in outs of all state federal programs, etc.. but damn its hard.
My God, I just found this video and I feel like this man was describing me. My 79 year old father had a traumatic brain injury 6 months ago and what was supposed to just be a few days to help him ( I flew in out of state), turned into 6 months! I have no help at all besides weekends when my brother comes. I feel hopeless, helpless, and angry. I feel like my life has been stolen from me and so alone. I flounder, wondering if I'm doing the right thing every day and am depressed. I miss my husband, we've been apart this entire time and just sleeping in my own bed. Watching this video has given me hope that it is okay to be selfish and that I need to find a support group or therapy FAST!
My son had a heart transplant last year and this has been a 15 year journey. Therapy is so necessary. I’m struggling but I’m doing better. I hope things get better for you 💕
Great message, Dave. I wish I had known this when I was a caregiver for 6 years - it truly almost did me in!
Yes, me too! lol
For two years I kept willingly helping my husband with his health and depression and I did wonders but very obviously I was not able to give myself the care I needed and that ruined our relationship. And now is so striking why, because we cared so much about the other, He being the sweetest person he is, he broke up with me to save me from the stress and the load that I did not know how to handle. This happened less than 5 days ago and I am moving with family to heal my body and mind, I hope that in the future I can do with my life what I could not do in the stories I wrote and is to live a story worth telling.
So what steps did you take how did you change your behavior to accomplish that goal. I was waiting for that part of it.
Me too! Never heard HOW TO. Kept waiting for some practical steps. Inspiring and encouraging, but HOW??? Tell us what you did! A big buildup, then a huge let down is how I felt -- still on my own with no help or answers. It never came.
Me too !! I litterly feel like I'm dying
Stand up and start making decisions about what you want in your life. Maybe put the person you are caring for in a nursing home. Make some kind of decision to make yourself feel free to enjoy your life. Life is too short to be tired and hopeless all the time .
Great delivery of such an important topic. I already have passed on your message to many people!
What should do when family says it’s your responsibility only and others should not be even asked for. It’s not easy when easy for elderly because they are now try to adjust their life in a new environment and for you when you are trying to adjust your life having to take care of them
Get a lawyer to mediate .
Draw legal agreement for all siblings to do their part. It's the o ly way.
My husband has myotonic dystrophy, and it's gotten worse in the last yr and half, then i lost my job at the beginning of 2024 (57 yrs old) then we had a leak in the kitchen and they came in and ripped up my cabinets (wking w/insurance)....although our house is paid off, we owe 45 thousand due problems with our hm in the last yr....My husband and i had a huge blow fight because i do EVERYTHING...I'm no longer a woman or even his wife, just his nurse maid.
Similiar. I hate no longer having a husband/wife physically intimate relationship and knowing it won't be until he dies that I may even have a chance to rediscover that. Seeing him sitting there just watching TV while I take Care of everything physical around the house makes me resentful. I'm mad that there's no one to care for me. I can't go out to the grocery store without having to take into consideration his needs and making sure I am back in to for ____. Will I ever have a life again? It's exhausting. How are you coping now?
@marlahockfeld2984 I have my good days and bad days....it's hard but I try not to be hateful, it's not his fault but it's absolutely hard....I wish I had a strong man around the house...but that's life huh...
I am my husband's carer and I am not going to be a burden on anyone. I'm opting out...
I just watched this video today and that is what I learn in caring for my mother with dementia, me first. I wake up early to have my coffee while enjoying the morning, then her rime for breakfast, I eat my lunch earlier than usual to have a full stomach and so I will not be grumpy because she eats slow or she is not in her best self. A list goes on on how I give care while being selfish, these selfishness gives me strenght and less stress to survive being a caregiver. I value that if I am healthy my mother will have the best care from me. I still get exhausted and sad and a lot things negative that is why I find help through my cousins that can give me abundant love and advise, neighbors who are willing to listen to my woes and self help like this videos and some reading.
If you have the funds and can find a good caregiver to trust your family member with. Of course you were able to survive it well,no man is going to direct care for long.
It is true. I am burned out.
Any trick to run away from care giving?
yup, I take care of an 86 year old father. My entire life revolves around him and the house. I work a full time job, then go home and take care of dad. Do I feel isolated? Yes..... Nobody comes and visits. A few of dad's friends do. I feel guilty for feeling trapped, not having a social life anymore, and most conversations revolve around medications, doctors, and weather he had a bowel movement that day or not. I feel guilty for feeling my life has been put on hold, forgetting that dad's life has been on hold too. Being active all his life, he never slowed down. Now, he needs a walker to walk slowly, has health issues which don't allow him to do much except sit in his chair and watch tv. Have I entertained suicidal thoughts from time to time? Sure..... I have asked God why He just can't take me home now. I'm still here....... I have decided though that when the time comes where I can go out and do things again, I WILL go visit those people in the same situation dad and I are in right now. It gets lonely. Complete lifestyle change.
Loved it! But how?! What is the rule book which can be technically executed! Looking forward 🙏
yes, i really like and appreciate the message but i want to know how to take care of myself. especially if there is not a strong support circle.
HOW???? That key piece is missing. Please tell us!
This video helped, I'm currently caring for my 83 yr old father with dementia. Currently joined support group knowing I'm not alone and I do ask for help.
While I appreciate this video, how do you put yourself first when there is no one else to give you a break from the disabled person? It's like taking care of a helpless newborn. The baby's needs come first. You could take a break to rest and let the baby cry, but I personally couldn't do that.
Exactly! They tell you what to do, not how to do it when you’re the only one and are physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted all the time
Incredible delivery!!
I just reminded myself this morning to put MY mask on FIRST! Being lovingly selfish is KEY! Thanking God that I came upon you today!! Blessings to you and Charlene!
Personally I didn't like his message at all!! Made no sense at all.🤔😵 Try to get your life back.
What might be helpful would be to talk specifics. How did you become selfish? What did you begin doing for yourself? Telling caregivers that they will die (30%) before their "patient"... even less helpful. I can't tell you how many people point that out to me. It only made me more depressed. This TEDx Talk did absolutely nothing to instruct on how to be selfish to survive.
"Being selfish " Is doing something YOU enjoy example .. Going for a walk on a nature trail , Ridding a bike , cooking food you enjoy .
Sleeping in late it's anything that you like .
So .. I'm supposed to leave my 81 yr old mom who has fallen multiple times because she gets up without her walker now for getting to eat I guess literally no help from anyone no one!! Been here over 3 years took care of my dad who was on hospice and my mom dad passed away 2 years ago I'm not doing a good job I've told the nurse that comes here once a week that she can see that and they all say you got to take time for yourself so I'm just going to go off and do whatever I want and leave my mom alone how do I do this how do I be selfish
@@fredsadler16 I'm in a pretty similar situation. I have no other help whatsoever. What do those of us do to become "selfish" when we literally can't even leave them?
He is an individual that profited from family loss, and preached to the rest of us he cared.
Omg, I needed this.
My sister is so concerned about her own care and is so selfish I'm left alone to struggle and care for our 92 year old mother.
You’re not alone 🤍
My sister Od'd 2 yrs after dad died... She cursed me everyday did nothing else to help Mom dad or myself
Same for me😢
@@debby891 I'm sorry to hear this. My situation has changed recently as my mother has been in hospital and is now too immobile to go back home. Since this has happened, my sister has been visiting more, she stays at my mums flat (where which she has moved things around to make it nicer for her stays) and she now enjoys weekends in central London with the occassional popping in to see my mother, at her care home, to make her stays legit. Yes my blood boils but I've seen her in a different light and realise she mustn't be right in the head. Rather than being incredibly angry with her all the time I now feel sorry for her.
Of course on the still rare occasions shes with my mum she WhatsApp's my mums friends to show how amazing she is. I just let her get on with it.
I hope things ease for you.
This resonates on so many levels
Aside from being a caregiver you still have all of the other problems that life brings to you. After assisting with my parents ongoing care and being responsible for all of their issues which are not just health related i have stopped making them priority. I am now priority. My health, sleep, nutrition, exercise, relationships, and so on are priority otherwise i can not be of any help. I go on vocations, go out on the town, belong to an exercise group, attend get togethers and so on. Beforehand i wouldnt. I would say that i couldn't because of medical appointments, ER visits, hospital stays, rehab stays, etc. People do judge but they arw not in my shoes, my body, my mind.
I do mostly all those things for myself 10:17 but I don't want to be a caregiver anymore. I'll say it again , I want my life back!!!!😮
What do mean by selfish?
Now you know what single mom's go through.
He never said what being selfish means??
Fair enough, I can’t be a good partner to the other 3 women and kids in my life if I have to dedicate myself to the one needing care. So, ideally I can be with a person who is hard of hearing or blind or mute but not all 3 at the same time. The person should otherwise be mentally normal so that I can do justice to my other wives. Also, the person should be athletic and outgoing as I am outdoorsy. So, yes you are right you have to be long sighted and practical. You should gauge if you could do justice to yourself as well as others that are in your life. You should spend some time maybe a few hours for a week maybe to see what it would be like to make them your partner!
Nice ! Very nice … And now please tell me how to reach such a lifesaving state of selfishness… ? 🤔
Very Very Good, I really enjoyed
What about your partner? We were so young until that car ruined our lives . 9 years in. Mind my partner needs.
24/7 care and I’m his only caregiver.
Some of these Tedtalks are just more people's personal stories and really don't leave me with any substantial insights.
it was me and my father in his house, he lost all control of his body and his mind was going and he would make unrealistic demands, he would want to go to his chair in the living room...then the bed in his bedroom....the chair.... then the bed...chair bed...he would call out to me every 10 minutes to do this or that, over again despite doing what he wished all thru the night , he literally wouldnt sleep..while calling my name over and over again just to tell me things he had already said..well the last time as would happen I would fall asleep to him calling me from the other room and I woke up in the morning and I heard him calling as usual and went to the living room where the chair is to find him on the ground, he slid out of his chair at some point... I lifted him up and brought him to his bed where he was talking gibberish, and it got to the point we thought it might be a stroke. he went on to pass away they werent sure if it was his heart or a stroke, but I feel guilty that I wasnt there to help him when he slid out of his chair....I know he is in heaven, but if I went to him everytime single time he called me thru the night when I had to sleep I would be a zombie. these are things ytou never think will happen to you when you take on caregiving.
Not if your loved one if verbally and physically abusive!
Exactly!! My husband has been verbally and physically abusive to me over the years. I ended up his caregiver and now I'm trying to get him in a nursing home. It's all a mess!! I just want my life back and my JOY!!☹️
I wish someone would have told me this much earlier. I wish I had known that in order to survive so much sadness, stress, and even abuse from his family, I had to learn to b selfish. I was a caregiver 2 1/2 years for a wonderful human being. Sometimes, we caregivers have to deal with jealousy and greed from the family of the person we r taking care of. Sometimes, that even causes the premature death of the elderly. Sometimes, some of us caregivers care a lot much more for the person we r helping to take care of than his/her own family does. Sometimes, we caregivers (not blood related) grief a whole lot more than his/her own family does. It is my case.
I think of all of these things every day which causes stress while taking care of my clients
Is tough because one cares but there is a reason why a person needs caregiving and often is because their behavior has lead them to where they are and they want to be independent but they cant otherwise they will have the sweet relief of death that no one wants to give them except God.
Being a Christian is the best support possible. Be amongst other believers, go to a bible based church. Let GOD handle your fears, worries and concerns, put it on Him. I would love to find a Christian Caregiver Support Group.
I am a Christian ♥️ I've been a caregiver to a selfish, lying abusive narcissistic man for twelve years. I'm trying to get him in a nursing home and hope I don't lose my home. I'm done!! I really believe a caregiver has to get sick and tired and mostly angry before we actually stand up with courage and do something!!
What does that mean? I have no clue. In my 30’s I was caregiver to my sweet father. Meanwhile I was working full time and had 3 children to care for. Now in my 70’s I have a lovely sweet husband who needs care. I do appreciate Dave’s comment about guilty feelings. Even if you have nothing to feel guilty about. Intellectually, I know I have limitations but the emotions that come with love are strong.
I live/care for my mom for 7 years now. For me, I've started getting up earlier to have some me time and have breakfast. Even though I get paid through the state, I ask my siblings for help when it's to much. When she asks me to do something I know she could do I'll ask if she can try to do it. I give her tasks like washing dishes or making dinner sometimes even tho the dishes might not be totally clean or the meal was over cooked. If that means she can be as independent and feel like she's contributing and I can get a little sanity back it works for us. I did have to learn to be selfish, he's exactly right! I almost lost my mind at 37. If tasks don't get done I don't worry as much about it anymore. I do what I can and that's all can do for the day.
What state are you in? Good you get paid, although I know it doesn’t make it easier.
God dang! I forgot about that! I used to hear about the mask thing a lot I completely forgot about it.
I wonder how strong you would be if you were alone your spouse has advanced Alzheimers and no family members to help you and not enough money to pay for help!
I love my 82 years old grandma so much more than myself ! But the worst part for me is not being able to have my own feelings god forbid I’m not putting on my happy face she starts saying I know I’m too much for you she wants to leave and will sometimes cry and make me feel so bad I really have to hide my own facial expressions and then I let it out on my husband and he doesn’t understand at all he thinks what I do is all easy peasy 😫
Excellent
I wanted to listen and pick apart all of his statements. I wont. I am here to say, I have been a caregiver for over 14 years. My clients dictate how my life goes. If my client requires dementia care, i will be willing to sacrifice hours to make sure they are protected from corruption. If my client has there wits.. I am willing to let them make there own decisions.
It is infinitely different if those people are your CLIENTS. Not so when they are abusive relatives
A rather slick and way too short presentation on a very complex issue.This did not go nearly deep enough. No details on just what being "selfish" looks like. What things did he do to take care of himself while taking care of his wife? Did he hire in home help? Did his kids ever offer to help? How did they manage financially?
When I was burnt out I realized that I needed time for myself so I started getting up earlier to prepare myself for the rest of the day. If I start my day with the person I care for at 7 or 8, I organize enough time before that to eat breakfast, workout, pray, watch motivational videos or even cartoons. Whatever makes me feel more energized for the day, I try to include this in my earliest hours of waking up. I’m still learning as I go, as this is new to me but I feel much better. If it weren’t for the Holy Spirit I’d still be feeling burnt out and sick, as I did in the earlier months of being a caregiver.❤
Put a plant in his house, it will die
My name is Jason. Almost everyone out there who can hear my voice is going to care for a parent, grandparent, or loved one!
Just remember whose mask goes on First!!!! ❤
But you are not even disable this is insulting
bro lol