I’ve been through the same “phases”; from not admitting to be scared, to acknowledge fear, but not being able to define what it’s about. I’m still stuck in the latter, with a component of not really wanting to explore it - if that makes sense. Love this channel, btw❣️
Is it a feeling that delving into and exploring the why's would almost give them more validity and power in your mind? I kinda sorta suspect that's the case for myself, especially considering I've been very guilty of analysis rather than ACTIONS in the past. 😬😉 Thank you so much for taking the time to watch!!
@@rachaelerinrecovers6099 Partly that might be the case, yes. Then I believe it’s also the energy required exploring it that I feel is lacking. So I just remain where I’m stuck, and convince myself that I like it here (because it’s safe?)
Digging into all the beliefs, values, and memories that play a part definitely requires a ton of emotional energy!! I also think pushing forward with the physical component of recovery can sometimes make us more capable and ABLE to effectively do the deeper psych work. At least that's what I'm telling myself and hoping lol
What did you found to do? Because the thing is that I am just stuck . I feel like i never do opposite actions because like you said I am actually pretty afraid of weight gain. But again I a thing to now this fear and another to do something about it .. I feel bad by not doing something
I totally understand, both the fear itself and guilt about allowing it to control you into not taking any action... Unfortunately the fear isn't going anywhere, at least not anytime soon! We just have to do the right thing with it still there. Not fun at all, but it WILL be worth it. 🧡
I just had this convo with my therapist. The physical distress and disgust at my healthy body feels so distracting that it undermines the reason for getting well- like okay, I'm in a healthy body, but too distracted/distressed to engage with "life". They say it gets better in time but that is not my experience and I always fall back into restricting because it's easier and I feel less "crazy" when I'm not fighting myself x3 a day. Ugh. Babe. I related to this soooo much. It's so fuckijg exhausting.
Exhausting indeed! And YES, it's crazy how quickly we can lose sight of our "why." I can think of many times that I've said something along the lines of why did I ever think this was a good idea!?!? 😬😂 What's helped you hang in there so far? I know it feels atrocious, but if you cave again you'll have to endure the shit of starting all over... That's what I've been reminding myself. And keeping a list of my reasons to recover next to my placemat lol
Rachael Erin Recovers placement sound like a good motivator! I was initially in that well enough zone to stop being hospitalised under the MH act, then I lost my job end of last year due to weight loss, nearly lost my license/accreditation to work in my field! Plus I almost lost my partner. I think the possibility of a bigger life is one part, but fear of the negative consequences seem to better motivate me into action than positive ones!
Definitely. Tbh I don't think my ED "does" anything for me anymore other than avoidance of the intolerable feelings that accompany defying the disorder. So, if a way, it's unsurprising that recovery could operate in a similar manner. 😂😂
I think that I share similar mixed feelings towards anorexia and recovery. on the one hand, I am a health professional, with years of training, knowledge and well, common sense. I knew how bad eating disorders were, what they do to the body and mind yet somehow I managed to stumble into one. logically, I know the consequences, I understand that my mind is messed up and that my thinking patterns are insane and the routine/anxieties/fears etc that have become so engrained in my mind are the ed yet I can't seem to muster the will/desire etc to change. the people around me, doctors psychiatrist, friends and family express concern and I see it/hear it but I can't shake these thoughts you know. part of me knows I need to fix this but another part wants to remain in anorexia. I'm constantly battling these two giants
They are indeed two giants. And I empathize, for the non-stop debating back and forth is exhausting in itself. Your comment is such a good example of how logic and rational thinking unfortunately doesn't really make a difference when it comes to the ED. I've many times made the excuse of wanting to research or understand first, but then the following actions never came! I hope you'll get there though, defeat the TRUE evil giant. 😽🧡
i am 100% with you at the front of my brain i know i want to gaiin weight i want to be out of this but the back office runs through the fling cabinet of all the things that might go wrong from the amount to eat to the size i might become or even the person i might become and would l like that person if i could i would like to go to sleep tonight and wake up the perfect size without doing the hard work in between it is that bit that seems so alien!! xx
I love your front/back office metaphor. 😂👍 And I totally agree. I've often commented that I feel like I'm at point A and desperately want to be at point D... But am terrified of the journey.... And also a little bit of the unknowns associated with point D too lol
@@rachaelerinrecovers6099 i think its the journey we most fear as back office controls all the 'what ifs' if i could get rid of them and instead get on the recovery bus i think i would be ok eh oh i am ever hopeful tomorrow will be the start of my journey!!
I’ve been through the same “phases”; from not admitting to be scared, to acknowledge fear, but not being able to define what it’s about. I’m still stuck in the latter, with a component of not really wanting to explore it - if that makes sense. Love this channel, btw❣️
Is it a feeling that delving into and exploring the why's would almost give them more validity and power in your mind? I kinda sorta suspect that's the case for myself, especially considering I've been very guilty of analysis rather than ACTIONS in the past. 😬😉 Thank you so much for taking the time to watch!!
@@rachaelerinrecovers6099 Partly that might be the case, yes. Then I believe it’s also the energy required exploring it that I feel is lacking. So I just remain where I’m stuck, and convince myself that I like it here (because it’s safe?)
Digging into all the beliefs, values, and memories that play a part definitely requires a ton of emotional energy!! I also think pushing forward with the physical component of recovery can sometimes make us more capable and ABLE to effectively do the deeper psych work. At least that's what I'm telling myself and hoping lol
What did you found to do? Because the thing is that I am just stuck . I feel like i never do opposite actions because like you said I am actually pretty afraid of weight gain. But again I a thing to now this fear and another to do something about it
.. I feel bad by not doing something
I totally understand, both the fear itself and guilt about allowing it to control you into not taking any action... Unfortunately the fear isn't going anywhere, at least not anytime soon! We just have to do the right thing with it still there. Not fun at all, but it WILL be worth it. 🧡
I just had this convo with my therapist. The physical distress and disgust at my healthy body feels so distracting that it undermines the reason for getting well- like okay, I'm in a healthy body, but too distracted/distressed to engage with "life". They say it gets better in time but that is not my experience and I always fall back into restricting because it's easier and I feel less "crazy" when I'm not fighting myself x3 a day. Ugh. Babe. I related to this soooo much. It's so fuckijg exhausting.
Exhausting indeed! And YES, it's crazy how quickly we can lose sight of our "why." I can think of many times that I've said something along the lines of why did I ever think this was a good idea!?!? 😬😂 What's helped you hang in there so far? I know it feels atrocious, but if you cave again you'll have to endure the shit of starting all over... That's what I've been reminding myself. And keeping a list of my reasons to recover next to my placemat lol
Rachael Erin Recovers placement sound like a good motivator! I was initially in that well enough zone to stop being hospitalised under the MH act, then I lost my job end of last year due to weight loss, nearly lost my license/accreditation to work in my field! Plus I almost lost my partner. I think the possibility of a bigger life is one part, but fear of the negative consequences seem to better motivate me into action than positive ones!
Definitely. Tbh I don't think my ED "does" anything for me anymore other than avoidance of the intolerable feelings that accompany defying the disorder. So, if a way, it's unsurprising that recovery could operate in a similar manner. 😂😂
I think that I share similar mixed feelings towards anorexia and recovery. on the one hand, I am a health professional, with years of training, knowledge and well, common sense. I knew how bad eating disorders were, what they do to the body and mind yet somehow I managed to stumble into one. logically, I know the consequences, I understand that my mind is messed up and that my thinking patterns are insane and the routine/anxieties/fears etc that have become so engrained in my mind are the ed yet I can't seem to muster the will/desire etc to change. the people around me, doctors psychiatrist, friends and family express concern and I see it/hear it but I can't shake these thoughts you know. part of me knows I need to fix this but another part wants to remain in anorexia. I'm constantly battling these two giants
They are indeed two giants. And I empathize, for the non-stop debating back and forth is exhausting in itself. Your comment is such a good example of how logic and rational thinking unfortunately doesn't really make a difference when it comes to the ED. I've many times made the excuse of wanting to research or understand first, but then the following actions never came! I hope you'll get there though, defeat the TRUE evil giant. 😽🧡
i am 100% with you at the front of my brain i know i want to gaiin weight i want to be out of this but the back office runs through the fling cabinet of all the things that might go wrong from the amount to eat to the size i might become or even the person i might become and would l like that person if i could i would like to go to sleep tonight and wake up the perfect size without doing the hard work in between it is that bit that seems so alien!! xx
I love your front/back office metaphor. 😂👍 And I totally agree. I've often commented that I feel like I'm at point A and desperately want to be at point D... But am terrified of the journey.... And also a little bit of the unknowns associated with point D too lol
@@rachaelerinrecovers6099 i think its the journey we most fear as back office controls all the 'what ifs' if i could get rid of them and instead get on the recovery bus i think i would be ok eh oh i am ever hopeful tomorrow will be the start of my journey!!
I hold onto so much hope for you... Not just for tomorrow but for TODAY 😉😘