*To Dr. Ramani's team: PLEASE CHANGE THE TITLE OF THIS VIDEO* to remove the word dating and reflect the actual content. This is _such_ an important video for people who were thwarted by narcissistic parents (or _any_ narcisssist) and I would hate others to miss it because of the misleading title. What about: "STOP being hard on yourself for not doing more while being abused." Giving ourselves credit for the HUGE hidden burdens and extra work that are *ongoing* effects of abuse is a concept _every_ survivor needs to hear! Thank you. 💖
The video is about making choices during past circumstances that didn't go as well or "normal." Life choices and decisions include regrets about who we dated in the past. Mostly to understand why that path affected us then recognizing and accepting...the miracle of where we are at today, regardless of the regretable dating choices made. Learn and apply wisdom to be aware, especially when a survivor decides to date again. Being raised in a narc family has a huge impact with dating choices. because of a misguided upbringing and lack of nurturing from the family unit. Hope this helps.
I'm hard on myself because people have basically always told me and tell me, I'm responsible for my mother's abusive treatment on me,and anyone else that treats me with disrespect ,its always well that's your mother, you need to understand her, or with rude people it's, well they might be having and bad day... Even when I talk about rude people, I've had therapists do it, and I think, well I'm having a good day and I'm not hatefully telling someone to move,while I'm grabbing a can of green beans ,so don't they have to understand me, , when they rudely tell me to get out of Thier way... Why am I responsible for how they feel but they don't have to be responsible for how I feel... I just ignore rude people but sometimes it makes them mad , what am I missing cause I've have several therapists say it.
I did beat myself up for years before and after my divorce of my narc, not counting all the horrible stuff she put me through. I still remember how shocked I was that anyone could truly treat another human that way, it knocked me off my axis of any semblance of safety. I went to counseling and got back in the driver’s seat of sanity. Thanks for sharing everyone 😊
Dr. Ramani, I really appreciated this video today. It's taken me a while to get to the point where I can accept what happened and be compassionate toward myself. NO WONDER I didn't do this or that. NO WONDER I was going through all this awful and barely succeeded. NO WONDER fill in the blank. I did do quite a bit, accomplished quite a bit, despite all the external factors dragging me down. There is no telling what I could have accomplished if I'd had a better family and a firm foundation to stand on. But I didn't. What I did accomplish can't be discounted. "What you did was nothing short of a miracle." Yes. Thank you. Internet hugs to all you survivors out there. We're going to make it. One foot in front of the other. One hour at a time.
Brilliant. When we get clear on all the things we were unknowingly working against, we realize we were really super heroes of hope and resilience. We didn't know that these people don't change and how destructively they affect us.
Looking back over 66 years of narcissistic abuse I can attest that the only way out is through it! We cannot see the forest for the trees… especially if our family of origin is dysfunctional. Without great therapy, which wasn’t available fifty years ago & isn’t affordable now, I tried to fix a broken system. The enemy camp simply wasn’t a healthy place to be as a child & it programs you to seek out the same treatment until that’s too harmful. How are we going to learn about real life except from those experiences? Never play a role by the rules laid down by unhealthy people
Sometimes, my tolerance for others is short when the divide between my life experience and others feels too much. Then, I come to this channel. Daily, I'm reminded that I am just one of way too many. Never alone here. Dr. R., thanks for the mirror and the healing tools.
I was thinking about this idea recently and sadly came to the realization that my brother and I never stood a chance at being our best selves. I'm grieving that now and trying to go easier on myself but it almost feels impossible.
I needed to hear this so badly. I've been beating myself up and drinking way too much feeling so stupid about all the time I wasted trying to get my mother's approval. I'm no contact now for almost a year. I'm proud of myself for that. I tried everything. I'm 38 and I feel like my life is wasted and over. I'm so sad. Thanks for this.
Totally what I needed to hear after a horrific conversation with my mom and dad where they gaslit me so much I felt emotionally abused. They are awful sometimes. I am proud of what I’ve done despite them. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
I was thwarted by a Catholic family system, a perfectionist mom and with my own sensitive nature married a grandiose narcissist. So it can be done in a different way. Still I go home and can see all around me why I ended up where I did. And to me now, it is all about healing myself, finding out what my own beliefs and desire are and then to express them to others (the hardest part).
Needed this video today. Flew high n far maybe could’ve flown farther but all things considered I’m so much stronger for me n others ; tell yourself ‘ya did good’….. “you did good kiddo”….
It helps us to trot them out and look at them and laugh at them. My sibs and I turn those scary threatening words into the nonsense and projection they were. It's weird because they used to be so a part of that awful system, but they get it now. That's validating. My brother can't talk to me without apologizing. It helps a lot that our parents are deceased. I'm not saying I wish that, of course, just sharing what happened here. One of our favorites, often repeated: "Success always skips a generation."
De Ramani. Having had sister, father and several friends being narcissists, after going no contact, I struggle with asking for help or even asking questions. I never knew if it would be met with understanding or rage. So I always prepare for mockery and rage. Making just the small task hard. Ending up doing everything myself. How can I turn this around?
Hi I am in the radical acceptance grief stage. I realise I'm on my own now only with a handful of friends who I can be myself with. I'm spending time with nature, culled majority of Superficial contacts from phone and accepting this. Doing somatic work on my nervous system with yoga and aqua classes. This gets me through and I'm no longer ruminating about the dysfunctional past and feeling positive about my future alone. May have to invest in more supports without family and may cost $
I would need weeks to recover from visiting or being visited by my family. In fact, a fellow graduate student said that they could not talk to me for 3 weeks after visiting my family.
NO family support. Always "embarrassed" by me. Its kind of gross because believe it or not, I am also a human being. There was zero unconditional Love. Then sold into trafficking, knownst or unbeknownst. I Pray for Healing.
A few months after going to an alcohol treatment center and getting sober, my mother said that because of that I was an embarrassment to the family. I said I live in CT and you live in NJ, no one you knew even had to know what happened to me. She said, of course I had to tell them. I asked why. She had no answer, of course.
We grow, we learn more. If I could have known what I do now, I definitely would of made better choices. I've was in 2 different relationships with narcissistic men, one was with my ex husband, was only married for 2 short years, plus he was an alcoholic, bad bad marriage . But I'm here alive and still learning about narcissistic behavior.
I was in my thirties when I met someone who was the first narc in our office I'd met I had never idea people mud slingers to get ahead ....the ok'd double standards they use and dirty tactics I so wished I believed in myself more
I am sad you can't get free. I am in the same boat. I don't know your circumstances, but any circumstances generate so many emotions, frustration and pain. Self compassion and boundaries are helping me a bit.
Thank you for this deep analysis of narcissistic family survivor , this resonated so so much, am super grateful for all your video podcasts n books , it is slim chance for regular psychologist n therapist to understand narcissistic abuse , you are truly God send.
As one of my friends would say, "your picker was broken" lol. But that's because like attracts like ✨️ and everything is energy. You're at the same level of childhood trauma healing that's needed as the covert narcissist. It's just manifesting in the physical world in different ways, we have dishonored ourselves, by not creating a solid and unshakable sense of self and trusting in ourselves, , our decisions, etcetera.& that teaches people how to treat us, so we are typically unaware of what we are emitting, not only when we encounter a narcissistic type personality, but 24/7. Because being fully conscious of our own vibration, is important❤ what we attract and what shows up in our lives is a direct reflection to show us where we are at our level in healing from the childhood woundings, trauma and emotional neglects❤
We are programmed to desire things. Do this or do that. Want this or that. If you think this or that you will be loved, cared for. But all this junk isn't really serving us. And we are programmed ( educated) brainwashed to fit in. Even in spiritually questioning pursuit. But all this crumbles. And we aren't all the same. Nor will we see things the same.
Fitting in looks very dangerous to me now. I'm not a part of a social tribe. My idea of friendship is very different from what I was taught. And I'm watching people having a very tough time getting past all the programming.
The video is about making choices during past circumstances that didn't go as well or "normal." Life choices and decisions include regrets about who we dated in the past. Mostly to understand why that path affected us then recognizing and accepting...the miracle of where we are at today, regardless of the regretable dating choices made. Learn and apply wisdom to be aware, especially when a survivor decides to date again. Being raised in a narc family has a huge impact with dating choices. because of a misguided upbringing and lack of nurturing from the family unit. Hope this helps.
Con artists fool everyone. They have many victims. Having faith and hope and love is NOT the problem here. Believing in goodness when it was a predator doesn't make anything THEY did YOUR fault.
You really miss the God factor. God knew before I was born the plans and purposes He had for me. My ex-husband became an international pilot after he left the Pearce RAAF base in WA as an instructor on Macchis. We met ballroom dancing and we had a ball at the summer ball, the winter ball and the graduation balls before he left and joined Qantas. It certainly wasn't an easy ride for me since he cheated on me at every stage of our relationship until he was confronted and saved eventually after I was saved in 1991. He came from an alcoholic poor family with his father dying of suicide. Then the world was our oyster since I had a call to the nations and had a different view on morality to his and his family normality, and was initially called into a parenting ministry in 1998. We were then a target by those envious, hateful and divisive religious abusers who opposed us. So nah, I've never been hard on myself, I'm just hard on the abusers and my ex for leaving me in the midst of a fierce religious war against me which continues to this day.
Hallelujah!!!! Your channel has been a big part of my transformation, God is good.I had a $47,000 loan from the bank for my son's(Oscar) brain surgery.i am now debt free after I invested $8,000 and got my payment of $30,500 each month. God bless mrs Elizabeth Marie Hawley
As a beginner, it is essential that you have a mentor to help you stay accountable. In my case, Elizabeth Marie Hawley has guided me for months and I highly recommend her. I focus on her. To be honest, I'm almost hesitant to let someone take charge of growing my finances, but I'm so glad I did.
You're correct!! I make a lot of money without relying on the government. Investing in stocks, BTC, and XRP and digital currencies is beneficial at this moment.
I'm desperate to turn my finances around. I've been working three jobs just to pay off debt. Can someone please share contact or information? I need her help. A
Just be open-minded, and trust the process. Elizabeth Marie Hawley will guide you every step of the way. And don't forget to share your testimony with others when you see the results
I actually think you are doing an incredible amount of damage in the world Ramani. All disagreements are met with grey rocking and accusations of narcissism. Is this how disagreements are met now in the modern world? Grey rocking and stonewalling while someone is trying to explain something? Ask yourself that?
I never regret or beat myself up since that is not productive... it has no purpose. I learned a whole hell of a lot in my journey, which I bring forward to keep building on my foundation. It’s up to me to figure out what I want going forward and how to go about it. The experiences with the narcissistic folks I dealt with taught me a tremendous amount… and thankfully, NEVER got me off tract on who I am. I stayed grounded with my character, traits, and morals, which is why none of the narcissistic people could ever break me. ❤
I have to say that if I had not gone through a nervous breakdown I'm almost 100% sure I would not have gotten married. I know that doesn't make sense, but I believe it to be true.
*To Dr. Ramani's team: PLEASE CHANGE THE TITLE OF THIS VIDEO* to remove the word dating and reflect the actual content. This is _such_ an important video for people who were thwarted by narcissistic parents (or _any_ narcisssist) and I would hate others to miss it because of the misleading title. What about: "STOP being hard on yourself for not doing more while being abused." Giving ourselves credit for the HUGE hidden burdens and extra work that are *ongoing* effects of abuse is a concept _every_ survivor needs to hear! Thank you. 💖
Agreed 👍
The video is about making choices during past circumstances that didn't go as well or "normal."
Life choices and decisions include regrets about who we dated in the past.
Mostly to understand why that path affected us then recognizing and accepting...the miracle of where we are at today, regardless of the regretable dating choices made.
Learn and apply wisdom to be aware, especially when a survivor decides to date again.
Being raised in a narc family has a huge impact with dating choices.
because of a misguided upbringing and lack of nurturing from the family unit.
Hope this helps.
Yup, I was going to bypass this video, but I decided to watch it anyway & and I'm glad that I did.
Agree! I was going to skip this one, but I listened anyway and it was truly fantastic. This is too good for people to miss out!!!
I'm hard on myself because people have basically always told me and tell me, I'm responsible for my mother's abusive treatment on me,and anyone else that treats me with disrespect ,its always well that's your mother, you need to understand her, or with rude people it's, well they might be having and bad day... Even when I talk about rude people, I've had therapists do it, and I think, well I'm having a good day and I'm not hatefully telling someone to move,while I'm grabbing a can of green beans ,so don't they have to understand me, , when they rudely tell me to get out of Thier way... Why am I responsible for how they feel but they don't have to be responsible for how I feel... I just ignore rude people but sometimes it makes them mad , what am I missing cause I've have several therapists say it.
I did beat myself up for years before and after my divorce of my narc, not counting all the horrible stuff she put me through. I still remember how shocked I was that anyone could truly treat another human that way, it knocked me off my axis of any semblance of safety. I went to counseling and got back in the driver’s seat of sanity. Thanks for sharing everyone 😊
Dr. Ramani, I really appreciated this video today. It's taken me a while to get to the point where I can accept what happened and be compassionate toward myself. NO WONDER I didn't do this or that. NO WONDER I was going through all this awful and barely succeeded. NO WONDER fill in the blank. I did do quite a bit, accomplished quite a bit, despite all the external factors dragging me down. There is no telling what I could have accomplished if I'd had a better family and a firm foundation to stand on. But I didn't. What I did accomplish can't be discounted.
"What you did was nothing short of a miracle."
Yes. Thank you. Internet hugs to all you survivors out there. We're going to make it. One foot in front of the other. One hour at a time.
The video is like a healing balm to a wound. Definitely not salt! Shifted a perspective within. Thank you!
Brilliant. When we get clear on all the things we were unknowingly working against, we realize we were really super heroes of hope and resilience. We didn't know that these people don't change and how destructively they affect us.
Looking back over 66 years of narcissistic abuse I can attest that the only way out is through it! We cannot see the forest for the trees… especially if our family of origin is dysfunctional. Without great therapy, which wasn’t available fifty years ago & isn’t affordable now, I tried to fix a broken system. The enemy camp simply wasn’t a healthy place to be as a child & it programs you to seek out the same treatment until that’s too harmful. How are we going to learn about real life except from those experiences? Never play a role by the rules laid down by unhealthy people
Don't criticize yourself for NOT KNOWING. ❤
Thank you Dr. Ramani. This video couldn’t have come at a better time . . .
Most people on their death bed don't regret the things they did but the things they didn't do.
Oh I most definitely relate to your statement!
If we made it through all the narcissistic abuse, we ARE miracles.
You are such a blessing .May God bless you for being you.
Sometimes, my tolerance for others is short when the divide between my life experience and others feels too much. Then, I come to this channel. Daily, I'm reminded that I am just one of way too many. Never alone here.
Dr. R., thanks for the mirror and the healing tools.
Here’s wishing Dr Ramani a beautiful day week month. Year
Atleast now I know I can't fix them and need to steer clear of them.
same
Thank you. Currently really wrestling with this one.
I was thinking about this idea recently and sadly came to the realization that my brother and I never stood a chance at being our best selves. I'm grieving that now and trying to go easier on myself but it almost feels impossible.
Thanks for the insight Doc, you did good. I recently left my narc of 20+ years, and it now seems like a breath of fresh air..
I needed to hear this so badly. I've been beating myself up and drinking way too much feeling so stupid about all the time I wasted trying to get my mother's approval. I'm no contact now for almost a year. I'm proud of myself for that. I tried everything.
I'm 38 and I feel like my life is wasted and over. I'm so sad.
Thanks for this.
I’m 66 & here to tell you that the best years are just ahead of you! It’s called older but wiser so make better choices & be happy
Totally what I needed to hear after a horrific conversation with my mom and dad where they gaslit me so much I felt emotionally abused. They are awful sometimes. I am proud of what I’ve done despite them. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
I was thwarted by a Catholic family system, a perfectionist mom and with my own sensitive nature married a grandiose narcissist. So it can be done in a different way. Still I go home and can see all around me why I ended up where I did. And to me now, it is all about healing myself, finding out what my own beliefs and desire are and then to express them to others (the hardest part).
Please do a video on narcissism in politics and facism !
I just had this convo this morning! But on an accountability tip, I know what part I played as well!
Needed this video today. Flew high n far maybe could’ve flown farther but all things considered I’m so much stronger for me n others ; tell yourself ‘ya did good’….. “you did good kiddo”….
Thank you I really needed to hear this.
A date to plea or not to plea - that is the question‼️😎
We are always our worst enemy. We are critical on ourselves because the narcs are critical of us.
It helps us to trot them out and look at them and laugh at them. My sibs and I turn those scary threatening words into the nonsense and projection they were. It's weird because they used to be so a part of that awful system, but they get it now. That's validating. My brother can't talk to me without apologizing. It helps a lot that our parents are deceased. I'm not saying I wish that, of course, just sharing what happened here. One of our favorites, often repeated: "Success always skips a generation."
I’m not criticizing of myself anymore like I was MOST of my life. It’s the most freeing feeling in the world. My mom sucks lol.
Yes, exactly as you said... One of my parents went through what you describe I think.
Wow, I love this video.
I wish I had heard this video years ago! Thank you ❤
ditto
De Ramani. Having had sister, father and several friends being narcissists, after going no contact, I struggle with asking for help or even asking questions. I never knew if it would be met with understanding or rage. So I always prepare for mockery and rage. Making just the small task hard. Ending up doing everything myself. How can I turn this around?
Hi I am in the radical acceptance grief stage. I realise I'm on my own now only with a handful of friends who I can be myself with. I'm spending time with nature, culled majority of Superficial contacts from phone and accepting this. Doing somatic work on my nervous system with yoga and aqua classes. This gets me through and I'm no longer ruminating about the dysfunctional past and feeling positive about my future alone. May have to invest in more supports without family and may cost $
I would need weeks to recover from visiting or being visited by my family. In fact, a fellow graduate student said that they could not talk to me for 3 weeks after visiting my family.
NO family support. Always "embarrassed" by me. Its kind of gross because believe it or not, I am also a human being. There was zero unconditional Love. Then sold into trafficking, knownst or unbeknownst. I Pray for Healing.
Keep trying to find that. Keep trying to love yourself, and keep trying to find the helpers and good people out there who will help you on your way.
@nancylightfoot4207 thank you 😊 I appreciate your kind words 💜
A few months after going to an alcohol treatment center and getting sober, my mother said that because of that I was an embarrassment to the family. I said I live in CT and you live in NJ, no one you knew even had to know what happened to me. She said, of course I had to tell them. I asked why. She had no answer, of course.
@marysisak2359 I'm so sorry. I *had* drug/drink issues, begged them for help & instead they just insulted me. So, that's fun.
Thank you!
We grow, we learn more.
If I could have known what I do now, I definitely would of made better choices.
I've was in 2 different relationships with narcissistic men, one was with my ex husband, was only married for 2 short years, plus he was an alcoholic, bad bad marriage .
But I'm here alive and still learning about narcissistic behavior.
I was in my thirties when I met someone who was the first narc in our office I'd met I had never idea people mud slingers to get ahead ....the ok'd double standards they use and dirty tactics I so wished I believed in myself more
Thanks again ❤
I can't get free.
I am sad you can't get free. I am in the same boat. I don't know your circumstances, but any circumstances generate so many emotions, frustration and pain. Self compassion and boundaries are helping me a bit.
Also struggling.
Thank you for this deep analysis of narcissistic family survivor , this resonated so so much, am super grateful for all your video podcasts n books , it is slim chance for regular psychologist n therapist to understand narcissistic abuse , you are truly God send.
Totally agree!
Good topic
As one of my friends would say, "your picker was broken" lol. But that's because like attracts like ✨️ and everything is energy. You're at the same level of childhood trauma healing that's needed as the covert narcissist.
It's just manifesting in the physical world in different ways, we have dishonored ourselves, by not creating a solid and unshakable sense of self and trusting in ourselves, , our decisions, etcetera.& that teaches people how to treat us, so we are typically unaware of what we are emitting, not only when we encounter a narcissistic type personality, but 24/7. Because being fully conscious of our own vibration, is important❤ what we attract and what shows up in our lives is a direct reflection to show us where we are at our level in healing from the childhood woundings, trauma and emotional neglects❤
We are programmed to desire things. Do this or do that. Want this or that. If you think this or that you will be loved, cared for. But all this junk isn't really serving us. And we are programmed ( educated) brainwashed to fit in. Even in spiritually questioning pursuit. But all this crumbles. And we aren't all the same. Nor will we see things the same.
Fitting in looks very dangerous to me now. I'm not a part of a social tribe. My idea of friendship is very different from what I was taught. And I'm watching people having a very tough time getting past all the programming.
People shouldn’t be jealous idk
If I go to the mall, buy one at a time, get about 50 bars of soap I can stack them, make a small pyramid
Am I your favorite person ❤
Not sure what this video has to do with dating a narcissist. Seems like it's about family systems.
NPD is a system of thinking starting within the family system
The video is about making choices during past circumstances that didn't go as well or "normal."
Life choices and decisions include regrets about who we dated in the past.
Mostly to understand why that path affected us then recognizing and accepting...the miracle of where we are at today, regardless of the regretable dating choices made.
Learn and apply wisdom to be aware, especially when a survivor decides to date again.
Being raised in a narc family has a huge impact with dating choices.
because of a misguided upbringing and lack of nurturing from the family unit.
Hope this helps.
Con artists fool everyone. They have many victims. Having faith and hope and love is NOT the problem here. Believing in goodness when it was a predator doesn't make anything THEY did YOUR fault.
❤
💜💛💚💙
At the right time... I needed this ❤❤❤❤ Thank you Dr.Ramani.
Gosh was this deep and needed. So profound.
You really miss the God factor. God knew before I was born the plans and purposes He had for me. My ex-husband became an international pilot after he left the Pearce RAAF base in WA as an instructor on Macchis. We met ballroom dancing and we had a ball at the summer ball, the winter ball and the graduation balls before he left and joined Qantas. It certainly wasn't an easy ride for me since he cheated on me at every stage of our relationship until he was confronted and saved eventually after I was saved in 1991. He came from an alcoholic poor family with his father dying of suicide. Then the world was our oyster since I had a call to the nations and had a different view on morality to his and his family normality, and was initially called into a parenting ministry in 1998. We were then a target by those envious, hateful and divisive religious abusers who opposed us. So nah, I've never been hard on myself, I'm just hard on the abusers and my ex for leaving me in the midst of a fierce religious war against me which continues to this day.
Hallelujah!!!! Your channel has been a big part of my transformation, God is good.I had a $47,000 loan from the bank for my son's(Oscar) brain surgery.i am now debt free after I invested $8,000 and got my payment of $30,500 each month. God bless mrs Elizabeth Marie Hawley
I'm feeling really motivated.
Could you share some details about the biweekly topic you brought up?
As a beginner, it is essential that you have a mentor to help you stay accountable. In my case, Elizabeth Marie Hawley has guided me for months and I highly recommend her. I focus on her. To be honest, I'm almost hesitant to let someone take charge of growing my finances, but I'm so glad I did.
You're correct!! I make a lot of money without relying on the government.
Investing in stocks, BTC, and XRP and digital currencies is beneficial at this moment.
I'm desperate to turn my finances around. I've been working three jobs just to pay off debt. Can someone please share contact or information? I need her help. A
Just be open-minded, and trust the process. Elizabeth Marie Hawley will guide you every step of the way. And don't forget to share your testimony with others when you see the results
I actually think you are doing an incredible amount of damage in the world Ramani.
All disagreements are met with grey rocking and accusations of narcissism.
Is this how disagreements are met now in the modern world? Grey rocking and stonewalling while someone is trying to explain something?
Ask yourself that?
I never regret or beat myself up since that is not productive... it has no purpose.
I learned a whole hell of a lot in my journey, which I bring forward to keep building on my foundation.
It’s up to me to figure out what I want going forward and how to go about it.
The experiences with the narcissistic folks I dealt with taught me a tremendous amount… and thankfully, NEVER got me off tract on who I am. I stayed grounded with my character, traits, and morals, which is why none of the narcissistic people could ever break me. ❤
19th, 20 January 2025
I have to say that if I had not gone through a nervous breakdown I'm almost 100% sure I would not have gotten married. I know that doesn't make sense, but I believe it to be true.