I set a boundary to protect myself from a narcissist at work. I felt protected and able to relate to her in an authentic manner. I felt more myself than ever before
I think that you have clearly spent time and effort tackling this age -old problem with sensitivity and a great deal of empathy. For old people like myself who've blundered through various relationships before we found the right one, what you're saying is worth taking on board.
Thank you so much. I love that boundaries my own decision for how I use time and energy. I also like the mention of values. I think saying no is hard, but I can walk away. I can say, I don't like this conversation, or using space or leaving early to create the space I need. Thank you for giving the permission to do this.
This is giving me a great idea for a texting boundary. I can't stand texting with some people because it completely divides my focus and attention because they want to text yet don't text back promptly yet they want to keep texting. I'm so excited because I'm going to be like hey I've got X amount of minutes to text. And then I can go back and have my mind and attention on other stuff when it's done. Viola! 😁
Excellent, thank you for your counsel. People who talk too much make me feel anxious, trapped and then I get resentful. Especially when they talk for hours. Eventually I have to withdraw. Knowing how to interrupt is important.
I recently found your channel. I really appreciate your clear explanations about boundaries and your good examples that help me understand. You are one of the best I’ve watched on this topic. Very helpful. Thank You❣️
Ditto. My AH’s 27 yr. daughter is staying with us during this life transition she is going through. She has told me 3 times she is a narcissist. I didn’t know what she meant…until I did. She gaslights me and I will be in tears. Her big thing is going to coffee with me. How do I say no? Just thank you, but no thank you? I want to be strong for myself if she is living here or not.
Yeah this is so hard but letting her know what you CAN do can be a kind boundary to start - but if she does have narcissistic traits then you will likely need to be very clear. Firm but polite is a good goal :)
I needed this today. I’m nearly 2 years in recovery and have done massive work on myself. My husband is marijuana independent and my sobriety has given me such clarity. I realised my enabling actions have made it easy for him to not address his issues. Thank you for this video, new subscriber here
@@jessican632 I would always arrange things, find things he’d lost, prepare lunches and pack his bag for work. I stopped it all on 01/01/2014 and by Friday 05/01/2024 he was ready to have a breakdown with the stress of forgetting work passes, lunch and documents. The weed has shot his memory and concentration. I have banned smoking in the living room for passive smoking reasons, so he is smoking in the conservatory (it’s lightly snowing here). I feel dreadful but I’m not going to continue to be the skippers mate on his ship to self destruction. In the past I’ve tried gentle steps, tried ultimatums, tried negotiating. I have disengaged now in the hope he will get all the answers for himself.
I know this question isn't for me but I'm happy to clarify. Enabling behaviors are doing things that make the addict's life easier ( and may indirectly support their drug use ) - like making excuses fro them, doing chores that they should be doing fro themselves but they are too intoxicated to do for themselves ) - does that help? @@jessican632
Boundaries are about self worth, its taken me 30 years to learn that. My recovery was key in learning about and establishing them. They are around me and my choices.
@@MichelleFarrismft I will never put aside my recovery it's a lifelong process, Al Anon will be a constant for me. I love all your videos and information too!
Thank you for the like! This makes me feel like you care about me, and wants to help me in my look at life. It would be an honor if we could team up, and be a team.
As a stroke survivor - I need help sometimes, but my daughter hasn't been willing unless she has an audience to give her praise for " helping" - I am trying to detach but I need her help 😢
I don't understand... why would I have to lower my expectations (around 11 min mark) when another person keeps crossing my boundaries? That doesn't seem right. It would also make my boundaries totally useless because the moment someone keeps crossing them, I need to undo them or lower my expectations. For some reason it seems that it is difficult to communicate my boundaries without making it into ultimatums. For example a parent who keeps controlling me... Then there will come a point where I will say "If you keep controlling me that will be the end of our relationship". Or someone who yells "I will leave the room if you keep yelling at me". Last weekend I had a dude touching my leg and I asked him "can you please stop touching me", to which he continued and I sayd "I want you to stop touching me". After that I left the room, but the moment and the anger made it challenging to formulate my words in the perfect manner.
Yes leaving the room was a perfect example of honoring your boundaries. Lowering your expectations helps when you know a person consistently disrespects your boundaries - you have a choice to make - and not expecting them to honor them means you have to figure out how much contact works for you. Hope that helps!
@@zion367regardless of what people say.. someone consistently and deliberately violating your boundaries is indeed a matter of ultimatum at its core.. you are saying you aren’t lowering your expectations or just ‘backing off for awhile’ both of those responses are particular concessions the boundary resister will attempt you to concede with or may try to use people’s uncomfortableness with having boundaries to shame you into betraying your resolve
@EllaCinder-lh4ro not sure I understand what you’re saying but it is important to take care of yourself when people violate your boundaries- removing yourself is often the best course of action.
What to do when our colleague's behaviour is not acceptable for us? When it includes not wanted physical contact or talking too much or talking about other women appearances which is annoying for us? How to set a boundary, what and how to say it and not offend or get upset ourselves or that person? I feel very frustrated about that and lot of anger, and i am also afraid how it will look like if i show what i truly think- as frustrated woman which is complain of nothing...maybe i am afraid of second gessing..gaslighing...or conflict...and the truth is that we need to be cooperative as colleagues from time to time.. for me the simplest thing is to not talk about it, ignore it...but I don't feel good inside..
I'd consider talking this out with a trusted co-worker to gauge the work culture then decide if you want to speak up. If you do, keep it short - something like "I appreciate our work connection but I feel very uncomfortable when this happens ( name the behavior ) and need ____ ( name what you need ). Short and polite but talk it over with someone who knows the environment.
Michelle. Why does it seem like all boundaries are some form of control. Manipulation. Compliance.. ? Because you’re basically telling them their action / behavior limits contact / time with you and that’s taken as “if you don’t do this then you’re not getting access to me. You do ‘what I want to see’ and then I move in closer..” Example. You tell someone you can’t be in a relationship because XYZ need isn’t met. Someone is going to take that as “oh so you’re going to not be with me because XYZ. You want me to give up XYZ or else I can’t have a relationship with you” Or even if you say. Hey this relationship isn’t working for me. Thank you and I need to place my time elsewhere. They’re going to want an explanation then even if you don’t go into explaining yourself How do I have this framed wrong?
Boundaries are about you and what you decide but that does involve giving others feedback on behaviors you will accept. They have the choice to change or not but you're right, boundaries should not be a tool to manipulate others but a chance to take care of yourself.
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I set a boundary to protect myself from a narcissist at work. I felt protected and able to relate to her in an authentic manner. I felt more myself than ever before
Wow, that’s amazing. Good for you!
Very encouraging
I think that you have clearly spent time and effort tackling this age -old problem with sensitivity and a great deal of empathy. For old people like myself who've blundered through various relationships before we found the right one, what you're saying is worth taking on board.
Thank you so much for that lovely feedback. It means a lot!
Thank you so much. I love that boundaries my own decision for how I use time and energy. I also like the mention of values. I think saying no is hard, but I can walk away. I can say, I don't like this conversation, or using space or leaving early to create the space I need. Thank you for giving the permission to do this.
You made my day Vivian! I’m so glad it made sense!
This is giving me a great idea for a texting boundary. I can't stand texting with some people because it completely divides my focus and attention because they want to text yet don't text back promptly yet they want to keep texting. I'm so excited because I'm going to be like hey I've got X amount of minutes to text. And then I can go back and have my mind and attention on other stuff when it's done. Viola! 😁
Love that! Clear boundary!!
Excellent, thank you for your counsel. People who talk too much make me feel anxious, trapped and then I get resentful. Especially when they talk for hours. Eventually I have to withdraw. Knowing how to interrupt is important.
Yes, boundaries are super important - here is another video on this topic that might help ruclips.net/video/JlfMPHaxEBs/видео.html
I just said no to a girlfriend, & she ended our friendship. Unbelievable.
Wow…I’m guessing they have done similar stuff before? I feel for you but super important to find this out now.
I’ve been there
Just went through this… 😢
@MelissaBozinovski thanks for watching, I hope it helped!
I recently found your channel. I really appreciate your clear explanations about boundaries and your good examples that help me understand. You are one of the best I’ve watched on this topic. Very helpful. Thank You❣️
Thank you so much! You might like my free journal prompts on self-care and boundaries then.
Ditto. My AH’s 27 yr. daughter is staying with us during this life transition she is going through. She has told me 3 times she is a narcissist. I didn’t know what she meant…until I did. She gaslights me and I will be in tears. Her big thing is going to coffee with me. How do I say no? Just thank you, but no thank you? I want to be strong for myself if she is living here or not.
Yeah this is so hard but letting her know what you CAN do can be a kind boundary to start - but if she does have narcissistic traits then you will likely need to be very clear. Firm but polite is a good goal :)
Thank you ☺️
@@jenniferrackham8107 you are welcome!!
You are great, the way you talk is so relaxing and easy to follow
Thank you!
I needed this today. I’m nearly 2 years in recovery and have done massive work on myself. My husband is marijuana independent and my sobriety has given me such clarity. I realised my enabling actions have made it easy for him to not address his issues. Thank you for this video, new subscriber here
YAY! So glad you found me!
I’m going thru something similar and wanted to ask what actions you did that were enabling? I’m struggling to help my partner through this
@@jessican632 I would always arrange things, find things he’d lost, prepare lunches and pack his bag for work. I stopped it all on 01/01/2014 and by Friday 05/01/2024 he was ready to have a breakdown with the stress of forgetting work passes, lunch and documents. The weed has shot his memory and concentration. I have banned smoking in the living room for passive smoking reasons, so he is smoking in the conservatory (it’s lightly snowing here). I feel dreadful but I’m not going to continue to be the skippers mate on his ship to self destruction.
In the past I’ve tried gentle steps, tried ultimatums, tried negotiating. I have disengaged now in the hope he will get all the answers for himself.
I know this question isn't for me but I'm happy to clarify. Enabling behaviors are doing things that make the addict's life easier ( and may indirectly support their drug use ) - like making excuses fro them, doing chores that they should be doing fro themselves but they are too intoxicated to do for themselves ) - does that help? @@jessican632
Ditto!
Thanks Andrea!
Yes yes yea! I said yes when I wanted to say no. Then when I said no it was pure vitriol on their part. I had to go no contact after that! Super scary
Yeah, saying no tells you a lot about the person and their reaction is usually pretty obvious. Thanks for watching!
So good! TY Michelle 🤍…Happy Thanksgiving 🧡
Thank you! Happy Thanksgiving!!!
Very good!! Thank you so much!
Thanks Rob! I really appreciate that!
Boundaries are about self worth, its taken me 30 years to learn that. My recovery was key in learning about and establishing them. They are around me and my choices.
Yes!! Sounds like you’ve done some great work!
@@MichelleFarrismft yes thanks to Al Anon, Amber Hollingsworth and your videos!!
@@monaperry2635 yeah Al-Anon is awesome!!
@@MichelleFarrismft I will never put aside my recovery it's a lifelong process, Al Anon will be a constant for me. I love all your videos and information too!
@@monaperry2635 thank you, I’m excited about my next video on emotional dependency - it’ll be out on Tuesday.
Ditto
Thank you for the like! This makes me feel like you care about me, and wants to help me in my look at life. It would be an honor if we could team up, and be a team.
Thanks❤️
Thank you for watching!
I appreciate your watching!
Ditto
Thanks so much for watching!
As a stroke survivor - I need help sometimes, but my daughter hasn't been willing unless she has an audience to give her praise for " helping" - I am trying to detach but I need her help 😢
Are there other friends that can also help you?
Thank you 🙏🏾
You are SO welcome Dee! I hope you come back and watch some more!
Thank you. 🙏🏻🙌🏻❤️
Thank YOU for watching!! It means a lot!
Ditto
Thanks Phyllisa!
Another short question...
How do I communicate time boundaries with clients if someone comes a few minutes late?
Address it up front - ultimately you get to decide what your policies are and how to reinforce them.
I don't understand... why would I have to lower my expectations (around 11 min mark) when another person keeps crossing my boundaries? That doesn't seem right. It would also make my boundaries totally useless because the moment someone keeps crossing them, I need to undo them or lower my expectations.
For some reason it seems that it is difficult to communicate my boundaries without making it into ultimatums. For example a parent who keeps controlling me...
Then there will come a point where I will say "If you keep controlling me that will be the end of our relationship". Or someone who yells "I will leave the room if you keep yelling at me".
Last weekend I had a dude touching my leg and I asked him "can you please stop touching me", to which he continued and I sayd "I want you to stop touching me". After that I left the room, but the moment and the anger made it challenging to formulate my words in the perfect manner.
Yes leaving the room was a perfect example of honoring your boundaries. Lowering your expectations helps when you know a person consistently disrespects your boundaries - you have a choice to make - and not expecting them to honor them means you have to figure out how much contact works for you. Hope that helps!
@@MichelleFarrismft okay, yes. To lower the frequency of interaction. Yes, thanks.
@@zion367regardless of what people say.. someone consistently and deliberately violating your boundaries is indeed a matter of ultimatum at its core.. you are saying you aren’t lowering your expectations or just ‘backing off for awhile’ both of those responses are particular concessions the boundary resister will attempt you to concede with or may try to use people’s uncomfortableness with having boundaries to shame you into betraying your resolve
@EllaCinder-lh4ro not sure I understand what you’re saying but it is important to take care of yourself when people violate your boundaries- removing yourself is often the best course of action.
What to do when our colleague's behaviour is not acceptable for us? When it includes not wanted physical contact or talking too much or talking about other women appearances which is annoying for us? How to set a boundary, what and how to say it and not offend or get upset ourselves or that person? I feel very frustrated about that and lot of anger, and i am also afraid how it will look like if i show what i truly think- as frustrated woman which is complain of nothing...maybe i am afraid of second gessing..gaslighing...or conflict...and the truth is that we need to be cooperative as colleagues from time to time.. for me the simplest thing is to not talk about it, ignore it...but I don't feel good inside..
I'd consider talking this out with a trusted co-worker to gauge the work culture then decide if you want to speak up. If you do, keep it short - something like "I appreciate our work connection but I feel very uncomfortable when this happens ( name the behavior ) and need ____ ( name what you need ). Short and polite but talk it over with someone who knows the environment.
If my boundary is to walk away when I'm being yelled at, how do I later come back to that person?
That depends on what you want to do and how safe the other person is for you. Do you need to say something or let it go? Or call a friend for support?
Dito
Thanks for watching!
Ditti
Thank you!
DITTO
@@cherylhuestis1674 thanks Cheryl!
Michelle. Why does it seem like all boundaries are some form of control. Manipulation. Compliance.. ? Because you’re basically telling them their action / behavior limits contact / time with you and that’s taken as “if you don’t do this then you’re not getting access to me. You do ‘what I want to see’ and then I move in closer..”
Example. You tell someone you can’t be in a relationship because XYZ need isn’t met. Someone is going to take that as “oh so you’re going to not be with me because XYZ. You want me to give up XYZ or else I can’t have a relationship with you”
Or even if you say. Hey this relationship isn’t working for me. Thank you and I need to place my time elsewhere. They’re going to want an explanation then even if you don’t go into explaining yourself
How do I have this framed wrong?
Boundaries are about you and what you decide but that does involve giving others feedback on behaviors you will accept. They have the choice to change or not but you're right, boundaries should not be a tool to manipulate others but a chance to take care of yourself.
@@MichelleFarrismftthank you so much Michelle. A great asset for people wanting to do the work and change their relationships / relationship to self
@@ssing7113 Thank you!!
Ditto
Thanks Joanne!
Ditto
Thanks for watching!
Ditto
Thanks Patricia!