As an empath it is difficult to accept the concept that a person is not capable of truly loving another person. But when you are on the receiving end of narcissistic abuse you get a chance to see how true that really is.
I can get my head around my former close friend & former partners never really loving me, however it's so much more difficult to understand & accept this about my narcissist mother. It might be because a lot of her abuse was supposedly in the name of love & protection, and also because in spite of all the lies, mindgames, humiliation, gaslighting, cruel words & behaviours - I still love her & care about her. Even though she sucks the life out of me.
As an empath with a narcissistic mother, the damage she did over many years has hurt me for life. I'm amazed I'm not in a rubber room, and rather proud of myself at the same time.
I never would of thought by typing in a few words into Google trying to figure out wtf I was dealing with because I couldn't explain it,that was 3 yrs ago and every awful thing they say a narcissist will do ,he did and then some if ur reading this and still hold on to that person from the beginning, sweet woman or man I love you and because of that I'm gonna tell you this,THEY NEVER CHANGE THEY NEVER CHANGE,ITS NOT YOUR FAULT,ITS NOT YOUR FAULT.❤
I don't know why I still want to hold on tight, to the fantasy to the the lies. It's so hard for me to grasp that they never that he never loved me, not for one second. It felt so freaking real, I wanted it to be real so desperately, he never loved me not for real, he never loved me not for real. I have to say that a thousand more times, if that's what it takes. Oh God it hurts so bad.
@@meiripike8772 Three second rule...2 seconds less that the 5 second rule about food that drops to the floor. Three seconds worth of thought. Then, zip. Out of your thoughts. After all...the 3 seconds are 3 more seconds than they ever spent thinking about you other than to manipulate or do something devious. Not worth more than 3 seconds. Soon, the thought of it just disappears.
@@cr4228 I look forward to that day when he is not the first thought when I wake up or the last thought before I go to sleep. I hope when that day comes that I don't find another narcissist to take his place.
Sadly, it is if you’ve had an abusive upbringing or neglectful parents. That’s why self work is even more important after you get away from a narcissist. Some of us need to be taught how to love ourselves.
No it's not, but it's a reflection of one's own lack of self love and self esteem. We are all valuable but we can not see or feel it as we didn't have people who could give unconditional love or empathy. Sometimes it's really exhausting to learn all that stuff. It's a long way.
Amen. Even if I was the crazy manipulative jealous person he says I am. I started thinking.. wait. I still love him knowing he really is all those things!
@@PaperMario64 almost 40 & finally finding out what a narc is.. and I was verbally, emotionally, & abused growing up. I thought forgiving her & it doesn’t bother me healed me. Nope. I don’t see red flags & I put up w way more than a normal person would. Just thankful I didn’t grow into a Narc!!
Best advice ever, my narc told me to stop talking over him, because I’d get so exasperated I’d argue with his statements. Now he freely says what he really thinks. He has never liked or loved me. What insanity it’s been arguing with him. He’s honest in his coldness.
There is no such thing as good times with a narcissist. There are times that may be enjoyable, but these times are just momentary breaks from abusive actions, and should not be interpreted as love. Abuse is not love, bottom line.
Once I unmasked her publicly, OMG. The rage, the fury, the piercing stare w/ black eyes (no. color), I knew. Evil to the core. Incapable of loving. Still enduring the smearing but, OMG, was my reveal sooooo WORTH her eternal wounding!
Part of what got me stuck was a lot of narcissists are only “abusive” 20 percent of the time. The other 80 percent was just an illusion to enable the abuse.
Exactly if you don’t enable their behaviour then you will see a nasty venomous tirade of abuse spitting in your face calling you a c**t ... don’t enable it I did for far too long that is not love
Well , I’ve been no contact for years now with both my apparent narcissistic exes . That’s not the problem. I just seem to be stuck in the sadness of what could have been. Even though I know it wasn’t love. I suppose it’s the emotional thinking going against me. Wish I could delete that part of my personality 😂
Spent a good ten years trying to get that "guy from the first six months" back. Then spent the next four years crippled in bed with depression. Don't be me....the person that you experienced in the very beginning never existed, and when you see that mask fall, RUN.
My freedom came late in life but I have gone somewhere I never thought possible before By escaping a narc..Mother and help from H.G. I now understand her and know what a real bitch looks like!
So true. THIS IS SO POWERFUL! Cram this message on top of everything soft that makes us think they are the good guy's. THEY ARE HATERS. THEY HATE US IN EVERY SENSE OF THE WORD ALWAYS. DEAD BASTARDS COLD CRAFTY SNAKES.
I was thinking about it, then I realised in addition to this person not having loved you even if they presented themselves as so, the reality is, they ACTUALLY PATHOLOGICALLY HATED YOU. That's why they approached you in the first place, and the fake love was to give them access to you before they could unleash their true selves.
Coz there are many people who don't love me, I mean there are +7 billion people on earth. There are even many amongst these who might not like me or even hate me. The difference with the Narc is, they leave me alone and their hatred or whatever towards me doesn't inspire them to approach me with manufactured love with the pure intent of bringing me and annihilating the very essence of who I am.
So true! And if you think about how child molesters work it is the same way. They show up as nice caring loving people to gain trust. Why? Because they want to molest the child so they have to trick the child into trusting them. Super sick super evil. Narcs groom their victims the same way.
They might hate "who you are", or they might hate someone else, and are using you in Triangulation against the other hated individual. Either way, it's not to do with you but their use, abuse, and supply.
They don't have a "true self" though... It's very sad, really. They were broken very early on in their development. I feel that I have that in common with the narcissist, but unlike them... I have empathy.
However, we are driven by emotion because we are normal and healthy-something he can never understand. We don’t have a switch to enable us to choose emotional thinking or logical thinking. This should be obvious to the healthy person!
@@roonieh9619 yes, but when you learn and accept that a person is a narcissist, you must change your way of thinking. You cannot expect them to act like you, feel like you, think like you. As long as you project your own feelings and assumptions onto them, you’ll be trapped. Once you accept them for what they are and cut them off, you will be free to be emotional and give love and receive love from a non narcissist person.
@Lisa Baker exactly. Once you realize the person is a narcissist, you accept that nothing you do will change them, that they do not think or feel as you do, that you will not be loved or valued. And you walk away and never look back.
@Lisa Baker I had a very similar experience with my ex. We didn't have kids thankfully, so I could completely ghost him, but I saw him by accident about five years later. I was very emotional and wound up crying my eyes out, but I kept telling myself not to fall for anything he said. Then I saw him again two years later and he tried to hoover me. All I felt upon seeing him the last time was just repulsed, like my skin crawled. After that I realized I was free from him because all I felt towards him was indifference.
@@belindaakers9095 and not a single red warning flag for four years?! Doesn't sound... (what do i know)? Just know, that the absolute best, is yet to come, and simply worth all that and more, cause, you will be, better, than in heaven itself, where only spiritual entities dwell. Your soul, now loves earth a lot, and will inherit it, forever. Psalm, 37:11. Revelation 21:3-4. etc.. Agapao Belinda
I think it’s one of the biggest things that survivors have to come to terms with. The fact that we were never truly loved by the narcissist. Whether it be romantic partner , family member , friend etc... this is because the narcissist is incapable of love. So I guess we don’t need to take it personally! They cannot love anyone , especially themselves.
"The fact that they abused me, means.. that whatever came before was NOT Genuine". This is Brutal and the harsh reality of it, its utterly heartbreaking as many of us struggle with to accept this Brutal fact. We hang onto the golden period..the silver and the bronze period.. even the iron period.. I would even hang onto the coal period... with justifications of; "but he was so nice at times, so caring, so kind, so thoughtful". This is where we truly get entangled, caught in our emotional thinking... we overlook these consistent bad times, the putdowns, the silent treatment, etc and stay ... but the consistency of the abuse be it physical or in my case absolute mental abuse... means that whatever came before was NOT GENUINE. No one is perfect we all have flaws or a bad day, but if you are being showed a "pattern" and being played like a violin, cut the strings and leave the orchestra. You are not a instrument anymore. Thank you @HG TUDOR.
The night before my ex threatened to slam my face in ..... he said you have no need to fear me 😳😳😳😳dunno why I was surprised .... just another lie !!!! 🥺🙄🙄🙄 6 weeks free after 5 years .... happy now .... happier !! 😊😊🥰
I could never understand how, when he said he loved me, he was unable to see the pain he was causing me. It was plain to see, he was breaking me emotionally and physically. He said...if you don’t start eating I will stop seeing you. Great, it was his ‘attention’ that was causing me to be unable to eat due to the constant anxiety I was suffering. He was such a universally popular person, why was he torturing me whilst seemingly blind to my pain? Now I know. I was raised by a narcissist and emotionally neglected as a child. In my first job I fell prey to another narcissist who almost wrecked my entire life. It’s taken me a long time to understand this. I am neither a narc nor an empath, however I don’t consider myself ‘normal’ due to the damage I have suffered.
Yup. To the narcissist, you are not a person- you are an appliance. And the to the narcissist, caring about how you feel would be about as silly and pointless as you caring about how your toaster feels while its making your toast, or while its sitting on the counter waiting for you to use it again.
There's the common concept of "cognitive dissonance" in narcissistic recovery circles. Because of the nice and loving beginning the victim keeps on being abused hoping that by "loving" the narc he will go back to become the "nice" person he was at the beginning.
Shirley Kurtz - 40 years yo-yo here. So much of what I have been learning has come up in my own “trying to figure it out “ life. I never really wrote down for fear of it being found. Now it’s all over sites like this and I am Thankful for the resources and “validation “. I feel vindicated ❤️
In reality that was just the fasade of " love bombing". It was never real love. A person who is capeable of loving don`t lovebomb. The " loving person", was just a mask. The real person was the insecure, power hungry ( hyper controlling), neglecting, abusing asshole that you meet most of the time.
Exactly no emotional empathy...they have no soul. Thank goodness I dodged a bullet when he ghosted me then moved because I resisted the devil and he flee...
This video was LIFE CHANGING. This hit me like a bus. I feel sick. I have just realised that 26 years of my life were wasted. (HALF MY LIFE!!!) HG, your work should be taught in schools.
U final realize leave run jog get away wasting more of your life is not acceptable ball is in your court narrsacists don't won't cant change their ego is too large be strong go I did😊😊😊
Accepting the notion that "someone who truly loves you couldn't treat you that way" was a critical turning point in my acceptance of her pathology and me finally walking away after 2 years with my soulmate (mirror). The key is that the abuse isnt always overt, blatant, or obvious. Often it is extremely subtle like never being a priority, feeling dirty after sex, weeks of silence after episodes of wonder, inability to trust, stagnant relationship growth, erratic patterns of dating, word salad answers, avoidance of deep discussions, etc. Something isnt right but you cant put your finger on it so you start to do some research and, like magic, you start on your new journey to get a PhD in the Dark Arts. As you insightfully stated, few people have any idea, training or education in what NPD is in a partner.
I remember the moment I realized this. It came from inside of me...a deep knowing. And that's the day I walked away. 4 years later another narcissist would teach this same lesson and I walked away again. Now I'm fully awake that this is true, this is real, humans can lack emotional empathy and not care if they hurt or harm you. Now the challenge is...I dont trust anyone. I've become a hermit and I'm turned off by narcissistic traits in most people. I hope I can get better at identifying this in others earlier on...I hope I can heal myself to be able to enjoy close relationships one day.
@@hgtudor-theultra thank you for the reply. I have been instinctually acting on it but my story spans over 32 years including my entire adult life with the predator. Most important has been realizing my shortcomings and lack of awareness thus my handle Now I Know. I was discarded, robbed, and left for dead about 3 years ago. Your content is everything you say it is. I wish you much success and prosperity with your channel and any endeavours that will bring you gain financially and otherwise. Gratefully yours, Now I Know
I go back and listen to this Tudor Treatment often. Even years of learning from the only man I trust, HG, I still need refreshers. It is wise that anyone put this 🏅 video in their favorites. 💐
@4:57 "Anybody who has engaged in a habitual pattern of abusive, unpleasant, degrading demigrating behavior means they have no emotional empathy and therefore they could have not liked or loved you in the way that you thought had happened."
Those were exactly my thoughts, maybe the good things were true. This encounter with the narcissist has exposed my own shadow side, my selfish needs and desires, my hooks. A person who truly knows themselves cannot be deceived. Not to excuse the narcissist but it takes 2 to tango. I thank the narcissist for showing me where I needed to become honest with myself.
I played this video twice in a row. I think this is the most important point to grasp and keep in mind. The truth is tough to accept but it is accurate. The narcissists manipulate everyone they come into contact with and they don't have any feelings of like or love for anyone. The fact that the narcissist has abused us, in many instances and in many ways, over a long period of time, shows us what we need to be aware of. The narcissist never liked or loved any of us and never will. We were manipulated and abused by them for their benefit. I have had this thought in the back of my mind for quite a long time with respect to the narcissists of the past, and now I know the reality. It makes it easier to end those ruminating, lingering thoughts one may have about the narcissist.
The second I heard "They never loved you. They never respected you" during a meditation for healing from narcissistic relationships, I felt immediate pain in my chest and anxiety. It completely clicked in, though. But I paused it, sat up, and thought "Wait. So my mother never loved me? My ex never loved me?... No that can't be true. Wait, actually, I know what love is and what it looks like. And the way they both interacted with me wasn't love. It wasn't in a loving way. So. They never loved me and they never will. I accept that. I need to". Seeing this just reaffirms it. I'm definitely going to save this video.
@@darlamckinnon4546 Not if the mother is a narcissist. What you need to understand is that people with NPD has a personality dissorder. The same way that a person can lack a leg, or a arm. The person with NPD lack empathy. That is they have a brain dysfunction. They don`t love their children, they don`t love anybody. Not even them self. They don`t even have a " self". That is they have a " self image" , a fiction that they create to protect them harming they`re " real self". It`s like they are a person who wheres different masks, and the mask underneath it is hyper insecure. That is a " inferiority complex". They compensate this with a " superiority complex". They are capeable of giving birth. But beeing a " mother" is more than giving birth and giving food, shelter etc. It`s also about learning the child skills to survive on their own in the world. And about emotional nurturing the child. A person with NPD lack the abillity of " emotional nurture". The ability to give birth is not the same as " Empathy". It is critical that you understand this. second is that you can NEVER teach them empathy. And you loving a narcissist. will NEVER CHANGE THEM.
It has taken me a number of years to get over the narcissistic relationship, but now I accept this 100%. It's a pity I didn't realize it from the beginning; Narcissists are incapable of empathy and love. Thank you for explaining this.
Wasted 6yrs in a livein relationship . ...was financial abuse....did not give what I gave so finally threw him out n blocked for year n half...moving on n very well versed on narcissism now...may he receive his KARMA and rot in hell because he is a 😈 DEMON!!!
EVIL monsters controlling manipulative cheating liars, so glad I went no contact, they are sexual predators, I see it all now and they would take everything off you even your house 🚩🚩🚩🚩 look out for these red flags so many 🙏🏽
With tears streaming down my face I accept it. The 'loving' look in his eyes, the lying in his arms at night feeling 'protected.' The way he kissed me and made love to me like no one before. His marriage proposal and my canceling the wedding. His chasing me off and on for the last 14 years. I was nothing but supply. He never wanted to fix anything.
Hard reality to finally accept. Even if you've left and ready to be gone, still cant believe you wasted all this time with someone who literally never loved you, ever....not once. Yet throughout all the hurt, you loved them.......i watched this like 5 times.
I listen to this video several times a week... I'm sad to say my entire 69-years of life as a butterfly were captivated by the flames of narcissist beginning with my parents. My ultra narcisstic father actually did want me dead before I was born. And the story goes on and on.... It has been a miracle that I survived my childhood to begin with.
Same here but the narcissist was my mother, she also wanted me dead and told me so. My father was just violent when drunk. Yes, I thank God I survived all that. I have two lady friends who are narcissists because I am used to it and I feel sorry for them. They are now elderly and have a plethora of mental health issues. But when I was 53 I started a relationship with a man from work (well, he started it), and it was just as HG describes it. I have never recovered and I still don't understand why he behaved like that.
4:36-5:18 is very powerful stuff and the absolute truth. Abusive, unpleasant, degrading, denigrating behavior = lack of emotional empathy = lack of love. Empaths need to deeply consider this concept and find a way to believe it and wear it like protective armor. Narcissists are incapable of loving any person. Full stop.
He was my biggest teacher. It took me 6 years to get over him. I understand it is the way he is wired. Nothing was personal. The depths of despair I felt whilst I was so trauma bonded, is equal to the joy I feel at being absolutely free of him. I wish him no ill. I reckon I am healed.
Never mistaken “ He’s just a little nervous & just trying to impress you” for he’s really manipulating you!! If he really cared he would of been there!
Because you were the one making it fun. They just went along with it and copied you to use on their next victim. How ironic that the next victim fell in love with you. We fell in love with ourselves😂
This video should be posted on your website HG, every year as a reminder to all your subscribers. It was the single most helpful one I heard & what FINALLY got me to "Get Out, Stay Out".
It's easy to get lost in the details about the many variations on narcissism and narcissistic behaviors, impacts, etc. but exceedingly rare to find such a lucid interpretation about how to move on, particularly if rumination is the challenge.
Thank you for this truth. I recently realised that the narcissist in my life is RAGING ALL THE TIME! That there is no Mr Nice Guy in there. The nice stuff is as bad as the harmful stuff. To think otherwise is to be deluded. I believe now, and I may be wrong, that the narcissist's brain has been "flipped" in some way (perhaps by trauma) and everything is the opposite. it seems to have caused the brain to flip over in some way simply because it couldn't comprehend the world as it was. In some form of self-defence, it chose the opposite to escape it. I imagine it's like an iceberg when the centre of gravity shifts and the whole berg flips over. The top becomes the bottom, and the bottom becomes the top. I drew an image of a person raging inside a very hard shell. Nothing good can get in and nothing good can get out. The person is self-isolated and completely alone. It is, in my view, Hell on Earth. But it is the only way this person can find the chaos that calms them. If I try to engage with them, I am deluded that they can interpret me in any other way than "upside down". Accepting this truth is the only way that I can walk away without feeling like I'm betraying my own values. Leave them where they are - just as they are. It's their "safe place". In the meantime, I have gifts and abilities I need to develop, places to go and people to see. I have goals to achieve and freedoms to embrace. I have beauty to create, and principles to live by. I have a mind, a body, a heart, a soul and a spirit to take care of. It's a big job. Perhaps that would seem to the narcissist that I'm heading into Hell. Who knows?
Love the re-frame (for me)... I'm telling myself that I'm NOT "abandoning" them... simply accepting who they are and allowing them to remain in their "safe space." Brilliant! 🎉
I believe this is the most important video for everyone dealing with a narcissist to become free again!! Again, thanks HG for stopping this effing annoying emotional thinking. It really starts to piss me off big time!!
Weltraum: Wir sollten unsere Gefühle nicht verleugnen- dann hätte der/die NarzisstIn gewonnen! Die Fähigkeit zu Lieben ist das, worum sie uns beneiden und warum sie uns hassen. Diese Superkraft müssen wir nicht aufgeben, wir dürfen sie nur nicht an diese Parasiten verschwenden!
I believe that once we accept that not being loved by someone does not mean we aren't lovable or worthy of love. It has nothing to do with us and everything to do with the other person in the relationship.
No doubt. His delivery was even different than usual. Almost as if he genuinely cared about the listener's well being. Even though he doesn't, and it is always about the prime aims. Nonetheless, the best advice I have heard anywhere to date.
This is the most painful part of understanding my family members. To know that they never genuinely loved me sometimes made the pain worse. It was rather sickening to be honest. I struggled for many years believing that there was something fundamentally flawed with me because they didn't love me. There was always this conditional unspoken idea of "I will love you if...", but the love never came even if I tried to fulfill that condition. It often felt like I was chasing a carrot that I was never going to get. At one time I just gave up because trying to chase after love that I was never going to get. It just became too exhausting.
Yes. I have two friends: one on each Coast; I'm in the middle of the country. I have tried to maintain a friendship with them over decades and in the one case almost half century but it seems pointless . ALL I all I can figure out is the emptiness & controversy, I sense in them always, is due to a personality disorder which if not narcissism is very close and is immutable. I believe this week they both ceased being friends of mine and actually I feel a great, subtle, but great sense of relief and release . So be it. thanks
Understand you perfectly. It’s so unfair to have a bad hand dealt from the beginning because it set us up with the proverbial deck stacked against us. There’s an uphill climb both ways for us- it didn’t need to be that way- but it’s certainly not our fault. We should be commended for the strength/resilience it’s taken to “ catch up” and maintain. Those people couldn’t last a mile in our shoes. 😘
The contents of your video needs to be taught in schools. Especially this video. People don’t believe they are being abused and continue to put up with it. Thank you HG
THIS BY FAR IS THE BEST VIDEO HG!! I am so glad you made this video. I recovered on my own it wasn't easy. I figured this out on my own (sad it took me so long) This message I tell my granddaughter who is only 7 years old: If someone loves you they don't hurt you. Its not your fault they act like they do. We have choices. Know you are loved. My home is love, peace and happiness. Its our safe place. EXCELLENT HG!! COULDNT HAVE SAID IT ANY BETTER!! Thank you, people need to hear and understand.
Ouch! True though... then on top of accepting the fact that they never even liked you let alone loved you, you have to deal with the embarrassment of what a sucker YOU were to buy it. Cringey, but a little self deprecation can be healthy and necessary to accepting the truth and moving on in real time. There are worst things than being a sucker ... at least you’re not a narcissist. 😉
That's where I'm at, what a sucker I am for not catching on to the red flags. But as time passes, that thought crosses my mind less and less. That means I am healing thank God! 🙂
I like that.. rather be a sucker than a narcissist.. But also remember we didn't see because we can't see what we wouldn't do or think .. that behaviour is so far from our thoughts & actions.. how would we catch it? I'm going through it too only realised 3 weeks ago.. 8 year relationship.. But I've stopped blaming myself .. Just happy to be free & know I can recover & be happy 😊
If you were birthed by a narcissist, I don't consider it being a sucker. Lol That's not a relationship you can put yourself into or even leave until you're an adult or able to live on your own. But with romantic relationships I suppose it can be helpful. I just feel anger. Because I felt so much empathy and love and gave so much of myself to a person that never gave a damn about me for a second.
And there you have it, folks!!! It took me 55 years to realize my father never loved me. The fact that my father abused me, gas lighted me, triangulated me, Baited and Switched me, manipulated me, Turned everything he did to me around and acused me of treating him badly...means he could not have loved me!!! How does someone get over this? OK, lemme listen again. When you look at it this way... IT ALL MAKES PERFECT SENSE
I've always been drawn to people who were exciting. I despised dull people. What arrogance ! The dull people would have made me much happier in the long run. My adoptive mother and my father set me up for life , so that I made bad choices, but it has to stop now . Its ruined my health. Though God is restoring me . I'm at peace now . Hoping to find 1 or 2 good friends now , most have died now . I'm 76 . K
I am a born again Christian who has a personal relationship with God. This is what God said to Laban, Jacob's narcissistic uncle in a dream after years of abuse: God came to Laban in a dream by night and said to him, 'Be careful not to say anything to Jacob, either good or bad'” (Genesis. 31:24). God being the creator of man knew that whether Laban spoke good or bad to Jacob the motivation would be manipulation, therefore he warned him not to do either. Praise God who had known the nature of narcissism perfectly since time immemorial!🙌🏾🙏🏾
WOW! WOW! WOW!!!.. I have chills as I write this! My entire life flashed back and I’ve been manipulated and abused by friends , families , relationship partners because of my naive empathy! I’ve watched thousands of videos and their is the one I’m going to keep on repeat! Major game changer!!.... Thank you thank you thank you!
I spent 20 years with a narcissist, and I listen to this I hear my life and it is absolutely true they never loved you. I see now how I was manoeuvered into a relationship and then into marriage. Now I feel absolutely nothing except anger at how I wasted my life. My daughter cannot grasp why he would do the things he did, or does to her now, she still wants to believe in having 'a father' but does see the manipulation. When the penny drops she will be devastated.
This came just in time HG. Thank you. I’ve been thinking a lot about my narcissist. It’s been over a month of no contact and I have these moments of weakness. This is just what I needed to help with my emotional thinking. Bravo. 👏🏻
@@hgtudor-theultra thanks i watch this video im trying to understand my bf hes narrc ..its help a lot of me watching this ..but up to now i just cant rid of him ..i must be strong to leave him and no contact...thank u so much for this video
Truth bomb! Just so annoying as we broke ourselves over this person and wasted time and energy. It was all for nothing. It hurts but it also makes me angry! Anyways it is what it is we have to rise above this all and see it for what it truly is! Thank you HG!
I don't know how, but accepting that I was never loved is bringing me more relief and release than I've experienced in years. Thank you, HG. This was the one I most needed to hear. For the first time in so long I want to weep with relief.
DONE. I didn’t even know the difference between emotional thinking and logic but now I do. Thanks you All the other channels on narcissism should really be banned except this one.
I wholeheartedly agree, it would avoid you getting fed a lot of nonsense which does not actually help you. Too many supposed experts tell people what they want to hear, rather than what will actually help them and that just leads to people being misled and conned.
I think I just had an epiphany. All of the other channels want you to believe it’s about us. We are such beautiful empaths. Grade A supply they say which makes people feel superior. It makes us think oh we are a prize and feeds our ego/our narcissism which only increases our emotional thinking. What we should realize is it really has nothing to do with us at all it’s all about the narcissists internal struggles.
I understand, and my last interaction in early November with my ex narcissist was me telling him, "You never loved me. Bravo on being a master manipulator. I hate you now."
Thank you for this. I NEEDED to hear this. I've been NC with my ex-narc for over a year now, but the ruminating (on my part) is out of control. Again, thank u.
you know the most painful revelation was realizing that the situationship l had with the woman who gave birth to me and other family members all these years was nothing but a lie....it is heartbreaking but at the same time liberating!!!! I am now ready to move on with my life......in the end, it is the truth that you know, that will set you free!!!
Death is the best separation. Not murder but waiting and when older they die first. Celebrate 🥳🥂 it is a glorious thing especially when you get goodies like money. Freedom is the best but money helps
"Once you know, you go." After watching hundreds of these videos, I understand that there is no hope for anything real happening with any of them ever.
Absolutely stunning video. I am almost in tears. This is so spot on and exactly what I and so many others needed to hear. Thank you. For everyone else on a healing journey from having a narc in their life- I pray for your continued well-being and safety, and that we all successfully cut them out and move on to live meaningful, productive and joyful lives ❤️
This is the most important video HG has released, and I've seen 99% of ALL of them, going back two years, between dozens of discard cycles. Finally went no contact in August. Over thirty hoover attempts since then alone. This is THE message right here. Stay strong everyone.
Beautifully put throughout the entire video. Everything single word of this rings true. Once I started accepting that my parents never loved me made their abusive behavior make sense. It resolved my cognitive dissonance over my childhood almost completely and I no longer ruminate on the abuse like I once did since coming to the very realization illustrated in this video about a year ago. Accepting this truth is freeing and actually does make good headway towards healing. Thank you for this.
This is So true. Your work long ago helped me see that it was all a lie. Giving up hope of some redeemable qualities let me cut it all out like a cancer. I no longer feel anything but a sort of repulsion and disgust. No I’m working on getting there with my family narcissist. I have already gone is no contact as possible but of course it gets a little more complicated With other family members. thank you for your excellent work. No one is as clear as you are.
I'm in a similar situation with close family members, needing to assist my manipulative covert narcissist 86 year old widowed mother who is the thoroughly devoted flying monkey to my malignant overt narcissist older brother, while maintaining a good relationship with my younger brother and his family. I no longer share personal opinions, thoughts, information with Mom and I try to stay very vigilant about giving her jabs any thought at all - "Look at that. She simply cannot help herself. That's unfortunate for her" is basically what I tell myself instead of trying to figure out, for example, how she could "forget" to mention the "family vacation" she arranged for herself, both my brothers and their families until 8 days before they all flew out together. I misinterpreted her sly grin when I ignorantly spent several hours trying to explain how that was hurtful to me. Now I understand she was soaking up all my obvious pain while simultaneously gaslighting me into thinking perhaps I was overreacting, not giving her the benefit of the doubt, misunderstanding her intent. That was the incident that finally sent me searching for an explanation for why I consistently left interactions with her feeling confused, guilty and inadequate. I'm no longer confused, no longer feel responsible for explaining myself to her or most anyone, and I'm aware of my competencies as well as my inadequacies. I no longer accept or react to her implied or overt judgments of me. Shedding the illusion of a happy, loving family of origin isn't nearly as painful as maintaining it at the expense of your self-esteem.
Got hoovered back into his ensnare and within three days of this, I've used your knowledge vault and RUclips videos to fight my emotional thinking. He's a middle mid-range type B. He ended up crying, blaming me and as usual, saying he's a bad person and then seeking permission to sleep!
Thank you for these words! Now I realise if someone continuously hurts or abuses me, they don't love or like me and I need to get that person out of my life and stop making excuses for that person's appalling behaviour!
Thank you very much for this. It’s straight forward, logically approached in a way that’s easy to digest during times of emotional upheaval. It will serve as a very good reminder. I highly suggest anyone in turmoil grappling with your emotional state to keep this vid on save. Or voice record it as a quick clip on your phone to play to remind you during the day if you struggle with a ptsd flashback of anxiety/anger. It will prob keep you from doing something not in your best favor. Your voice was beautifully clear and concise Mr Tudor. That & the knowledge is all we need to hear to move past this trauma. Thank you sir.
This video can be painful to listen to, because it is the truth. Remember, just because you now know the love you thought the narcissist gave you was not real, and it wasn't, that does not mean you are not lovable. I think it's very important for people to know this. For people who find this video especially hard to hear, I think it's easy for them to blame themselves. They have to know the narcissist did not love them because they simply can't.
Accepting this is what hurts me the most. I understand he never loved me and I understand he would’ve never abused me if he did love me. But knowing that is what kills me the most. Knowing he truly never loved me is destroys me but made me realize I had to let go and now have to live life without him and find someone who truly loves me. It’s hard and it sucks to accept it but it’s all apart of the grieving process.
I needed to hear this , hurts like hell but am still numb and in shock that the man I thought loved me treated me this way .Am going to listen to this until it sinks in because there is still a part of me that's addicted to him , god knows why , he is a monster .
Ok ok!!!!! I finally get it!! 20mo post narc. Well on my way to healing. BUT, I still thought that deep down he did love me!!!! This guy was, is a master at this game!!!! Thank u!!!!
I dealt a narcissist a devastating blow to his non existent ego. I am not naturally nasty. He is staying well away from me and that's all I want.
As an empath it is difficult to accept the concept that a person is not capable of truly loving another person. But when you are on the receiving end of narcissistic abuse you get a chance to see how true that really is.
❤️ it definitely hurts. Sorry you were hurt.
I can get my head around my former close friend & former partners never really loving me, however it's so much more difficult to understand & accept this about my narcissist mother. It might be because a lot of her abuse was supposedly in the name of love & protection, and also because in spite of all the lies, mindgames, humiliation, gaslighting, cruel words & behaviours - I still love her & care about her. Even though she sucks the life out of me.
Well said
Just think of it as they suffering from Alzheimer. You wouldn't expect an Alzheimer patient to remember you, would you?
As an empath with a narcissistic mother, the damage she did over many years has hurt me for life. I'm amazed I'm not in a rubber room, and rather proud of myself at the same time.
I never would of thought by typing in a few words into Google trying to figure out wtf I was dealing with because I couldn't explain it,that was 3 yrs ago and every awful thing they say a narcissist will do ,he did and then some if ur reading this and still hold on to that person from the beginning, sweet woman or man I love you and because of that I'm gonna tell you this,THEY NEVER CHANGE THEY NEVER CHANGE,ITS NOT YOUR FAULT,ITS NOT YOUR FAULT.❤
"they never loved me" is not a reflection of your worth; they are incapable of love.
Thank you .. powerful statement 👏
I don't know why I still want to hold on tight, to the fantasy to the the lies. It's so hard for me to grasp that they never that he never loved me, not for one second. It felt so freaking real, I wanted it to be real so desperately, he never loved me not for real, he never loved me not for real. I have to say that a thousand more times, if that's what it takes. Oh God it hurts so bad.
@@meiripike8772 Three second rule...2 seconds less that the 5 second rule about food that drops to the floor. Three seconds worth of thought. Then, zip. Out of your thoughts. After all...the 3 seconds are 3 more seconds than they ever spent thinking about you other than to manipulate or do something devious. Not worth more than 3 seconds. Soon, the thought of it just disappears.
It still hurts though...
@@cr4228 I look forward to that day when he is not the first thought when I wake up or the last thought before I go to sleep. I hope when that day comes that I don't find another narcissist to take his place.
Being unloved is not a reflection of one's own value.
100%
Sadly, it is if you’ve had an abusive upbringing or neglectful parents. That’s why self work is even more important after you get away from a narcissist. Some of us need to be taught how to love ourselves.
No it's not, but it's a reflection of one's own lack of self love and self esteem. We are all valuable but we can not see or feel it as we didn't have people who could give unconditional love or empathy. Sometimes it's really exhausting to learn all that stuff. It's a long way.
Amen. Even if I was the crazy manipulative jealous person he says I am. I started thinking.. wait. I still love him knowing he really is all those things!
@@PaperMario64 almost 40 & finally finding out what a narc is.. and I was verbally, emotionally, & abused growing up. I thought forgiving her & it doesn’t bother me healed me. Nope. I don’t see red flags & I put up w way more than a normal person would. Just thankful I didn’t grow into a Narc!!
“There is no such thing as part time narcissism” -HG Tutor
I too loved that statement and laughed for the humor and marvelled at the great wisdom in it.
Read that at the exact moment he said it.
Best advice ever, my narc told me to stop talking over him, because I’d get so exasperated I’d argue with his statements. Now he freely says what he really thinks. He has never liked or loved me. What insanity it’s been arguing with him. He’s honest in his coldness.
Sorry, "Tutor"?
There is no such thing as good times with a narcissist. There are times that may be enjoyable, but these times are just momentary breaks from abusive actions, and should not be interpreted as love. Abuse is not love, bottom line.
That is soooo true ❤️
The good times, the heady days, are not real. I repeat NOT REAL.
@Terrie G Yes.. and future faking.
Once I unmasked her publicly, OMG. The rage, the fury, the piercing stare w/ black eyes (no. color), I knew. Evil to the core. Incapable of loving. Still enduring the smearing but, OMG, was my reveal sooooo
WORTH her eternal wounding!
Part of what got me stuck was a lot of narcissists are only “abusive” 20 percent of the time. The other 80 percent was just an illusion to enable the abuse.
Exactly if you don’t enable their behaviour then you will see a nasty venomous tirade of abuse spitting in your face calling you a c**t ... don’t enable it I did for far too long that is not love
You are right, that's because if they abused you all of the time you would have left sooner.
@@nellsmith9721 accurate statement
They evil I see how they us they creatures
But the other 80 percent is anything but a healthy loving connection between 2 people.
The fact that I was abused by this person ,means they never loved me......
It’s like relearning everything you ever believed love was and accepting you were just used for years. It is difficult but I understand the importance
Indeed but it must be done.
Well , I’ve been no contact for years now with both my apparent narcissistic exes . That’s not the problem. I just seem to be stuck in the sadness of what could have been. Even though I know it wasn’t love. I suppose it’s the emotional thinking going against me. Wish I could delete that part of my personality 😂
I liken it to coming to the realization that we've actually lived a life of an Alfred Hitchcock episode.
@@winterrose711 nothing wrong with your personality. it is better for you in life overall.
@Winter Rose It is indeed deconstructing his existence in the name of love & examining manipulation with minimal (or without) emotional thinking.
They only want admiration and if they don't get put on a pedestal, they will look elsewhere. There is not enough attention to fill their needs.
They are empty vessels. Buckets with holes in the bottom. Nothing is ever enough, they can never be filled.
“There is no such thing as part time narcissism “ - brilliant
Somebody who abused you could have never loved you.
I am not exagerating at all when I say this: HG saved my life. I'm deadly serious. He may be a narcissist, but he's also a sort of anit-hero.
I'm with you. I've had to swallow some bitter pills too because of HG. But when you're told the truth, you can't unsee it. Good luck.
Spent a good ten years trying to get that "guy from the first six months" back. Then spent the next four years crippled in bed with depression. Don't be me....the person that you experienced in the very beginning never existed, and when you see that mask fall, RUN.
It is scary how well one can be fooled by a narcissist until it's too late!
Not exactly true. I had chances to get out and did so - but I kept going back for more until I eventually had enough drama and discarded it :)
Freedom is AMAZING! When you stop allowing yourself to be mistreated by anyone, even yourself that's when the real changes begin, in my experience.
Mine too ❤️👍🌸
My freedom came late in life
but I have gone somewhere I never thought possible before
By escaping a narc..Mother
and help from H.G. I now
understand her and know what a real bitch looks like!
I won my freedom at last. Being Empath, all off them were chasing me eeeee. Now no, no, I don't allow
Listen to this carefully and digest it.
You should never have to watch another video on narcissism again.
So true. THIS IS SO POWERFUL! Cram this message on top of everything soft that makes us think they are the good guy's. THEY ARE HATERS. THEY HATE US IN EVERY SENSE OF THE WORD ALWAYS. DEAD BASTARDS COLD CRAFTY SNAKES.
I was thinking about it, then I realised in addition to this person not having loved you even if they presented themselves as so, the reality is, they ACTUALLY PATHOLOGICALLY HATED YOU. That's why they approached you in the first place, and the fake love was to give them access to you before they could unleash their true selves.
Coz there are many people who don't love me, I mean there are +7 billion people on earth. There are even many amongst these who might not like me or even hate me. The difference with the Narc is, they leave me alone and their hatred or whatever towards me doesn't inspire them to approach me with manufactured love with the pure intent of bringing me and annihilating the very essence of who I am.
they hate you because they see you as stupid ..and you deserve to be treated that way
So true! And if you think about how child molesters work it is the same way. They show up as nice caring loving people to gain trust. Why? Because they want to molest the child so they have to trick the child into trusting them. Super sick super evil. Narcs groom their victims the same way.
They might hate "who you are", or they might hate someone else, and are using you in Triangulation against the other hated individual.
Either way, it's not to do with you but their use, abuse, and supply.
They don't have a "true self" though... It's very sad, really. They were broken very early on in their development. I feel that I have that in common with the narcissist, but unlike them... I have empathy.
Changing your perspective and removing emotional thinking is your “Get Out of Hell Free” card. Thank you for another important video.
You are welcome.
However, we are driven by emotion because we are normal and healthy-something he can never understand. We don’t have a switch to enable us to choose emotional thinking or logical thinking. This should be obvious to the healthy person!
@@roonieh9619 yes, but when you learn and accept that a person is a narcissist, you must change your way of thinking. You cannot expect them to act like you, feel like you, think like you. As long as you project your own feelings and assumptions onto them, you’ll be trapped. Once you accept them for what they are and cut them off, you will be free to be emotional and give love and receive love from a non narcissist person.
@Lisa Baker exactly. Once you realize the person is a narcissist, you accept that nothing you do will change them, that they do not think or feel as you do, that you will not be loved or valued. And you walk away and never look back.
@Lisa Baker I had a very similar experience with my ex. We didn't have kids thankfully, so I could completely ghost him, but I saw him by accident about five years later. I was very emotional and wound up crying my eyes out, but I kept telling myself not to fall for anything he said. Then I saw him again two years later and he tried to hoover me. All I felt upon seeing him the last time was just repulsed, like my skin crawled. After that I realized I was free from him because all I felt towards him was indifference.
Two and a half years, hundreds of videos, and dozens of articles later, this is the psychology I’m able to accept, internalize, and move forward with.
AMEN!
I'm having a hard time he's been out 2 months
8 years it's been bad 4 years
@@belindaakers9095 and not a single red warning flag for four years?!
Doesn't sound... (what do i know)?
Just know, that the absolute best, is yet to come, and simply worth all that and more, cause, you will be, better, than in heaven itself, where only spiritual entities dwell. Your soul, now loves earth a lot, and will inherit it, forever.
Psalm, 37:11.
Revelation 21:3-4. etc..
Agapao Belinda
Indeed, as brutal as it is.
Got it! Life goes on. The narc illusion, confusion & delusion consumes too much energy.
I think it’s one of the biggest things that survivors have to come to terms with. The fact that we were never truly loved by the narcissist. Whether it be romantic partner , family member , friend etc... this is because the narcissist is incapable of love. So I guess we don’t need to take it personally! They cannot love anyone , especially themselves.
"The fact that they abused me, means.. that whatever came before was NOT Genuine". This is Brutal and the harsh reality of it, its utterly heartbreaking as many of us struggle with to accept this Brutal fact. We hang onto the golden period..the silver and the bronze period.. even the iron period.. I would even hang onto the coal period... with justifications of; "but he was so nice at times, so caring, so kind, so thoughtful". This is where we truly get entangled, caught in our emotional thinking... we overlook these consistent bad times, the putdowns, the silent treatment, etc and stay ... but the consistency of the abuse be it physical or in my case absolute mental abuse... means that whatever came before was NOT GENUINE. No one is perfect we all have flaws or a bad day, but if you are being showed a "pattern" and being played like a violin, cut the strings and leave the orchestra. You are not a instrument anymore. Thank you @HG TUDOR.
Took me awhile of blindness to finally see the patterns.
It hurts and is sad but I might as well accept it
Wow!!! Well said. Could not have said it the way you have! Well done & thank you!
Yes it is. :-(
You write beautifully.
Wow...it is that simple isnt it? "Anybody who claimed to have loved you would not hurt you..."
The night before my ex threatened to slam my face in ..... he said you have no need to fear me 😳😳😳😳dunno why I was surprised .... just another lie !!!! 🥺🙄🙄🙄 6 weeks free after 5 years .... happy now .... happier !! 😊😊🥰
My ex claimed he would never hurt me, and that’s exactly what he did,they are so full of BS.
Trish, I think I see a cottage industry: framed embroidered
"Anyone who claims to love you will not abuse you."
and
"Abuse is not Love."
I could never understand how, when he said he loved me, he was unable to see the pain he was causing me. It was plain to see, he was breaking me emotionally and physically. He said...if you don’t start eating I will stop seeing you. Great, it was his ‘attention’ that was causing me to be unable to eat due to the constant anxiety I was suffering. He was such a universally popular person, why was he torturing me whilst seemingly blind to my pain? Now I know. I was raised by a narcissist and emotionally neglected as a child. In my first job I fell prey to another narcissist who almost wrecked my entire life. It’s taken me a long time to understand this. I am neither a narc nor an empath, however I don’t consider myself ‘normal’ due to the damage I have suffered.
Biblical even.
“There is no such thing as part-time narcissism.” Wow👏🏻
Yep so concise and brilliant. V powerful, i repeat this to myself
Yup. To the narcissist, you are not a person- you are an appliance. And the to the narcissist, caring about how you feel would be about as silly and pointless as you caring about how your toaster feels while its making your toast, or while its sitting on the counter waiting for you to use it again.
There's the common concept of "cognitive dissonance" in narcissistic recovery circles. Because of the nice and loving beginning the victim keeps on being abused hoping that by "loving" the narc he will go back to become the "nice" person he was at the beginning.
Yes, we were so foolish in the beginning!
Shirley Kurtz - 40 years yo-yo here. So much of what I have been learning has come up in my own “trying to figure it out “ life. I never really wrote down for fear of it being found. Now it’s all over sites like this and I am Thankful for the resources and “validation “. I feel vindicated ❤️
In reality that was just the fasade of " love bombing". It was never real love. A person who is capeable of loving don`t lovebomb. The " loving person", was just a mask. The real person was the insecure, power hungry ( hyper controlling), neglecting, abusing asshole that you meet most of the time.
Exactly no emotional empathy...they have no soul. Thank goodness I dodged a bullet when he ghosted me then moved because I resisted the devil and he flee...
This video was LIFE CHANGING.
This hit me like a bus. I feel sick.
I have just realised that 26 years of my life were wasted. (HALF MY LIFE!!!)
HG, your work should be taught in schools.
I agree.
U final realize leave run jog get away wasting more of your life is not acceptable ball is in your court narrsacists don't won't cant change their ego is too large be strong go I did😊😊😊
Since you are still alive, your life was *not* wasted. Think of it as a learning experience. Today, you are wise.
Accepting the notion that "someone who truly loves you couldn't treat you that way" was a critical turning point in my acceptance of her pathology and me finally walking away after 2 years with my soulmate (mirror). The key is that the abuse isnt always overt, blatant, or obvious. Often it is extremely subtle like never being a priority, feeling dirty after sex, weeks of silence after episodes of wonder, inability to trust, stagnant relationship growth, erratic patterns of dating, word salad answers, avoidance of deep discussions, etc. Something isnt right but you cant put your finger on it so you start to do some research and, like magic, you start on your new journey to get a PhD in the Dark Arts. As you insightfully stated, few people have any idea, training or education in what NPD is in a partner.
Agree
It's hiii
Wonderfully stated. Thank you!
I remember the moment I realized this. It came from inside of me...a deep knowing. And that's the day I walked away. 4 years later another narcissist would teach this same lesson and I walked away again. Now I'm fully awake that this is true, this is real, humans can lack emotional empathy and not care if they hurt or harm you. Now the challenge is...I dont trust anyone. I've become a hermit and I'm turned off by narcissistic traits in most people. I hope I can get better at identifying this in others earlier on...I hope I can heal myself to be able to enjoy close relationships one day.
I've come to the same place as you. I see it in everyone I have ever known. It's devastating
Excellent confirmation of what my gut has been telling me.
Act on it.
@@hgtudor-theultra thank you for the reply. I have been instinctually acting on it but my story spans over 32 years including my entire adult life with the predator. Most important has been realizing my shortcomings and lack of awareness thus my handle Now I Know. I was discarded, robbed, and left for dead about 3 years ago.
Your content is everything you say it is. I wish you much success and prosperity with your channel and any endeavours that will bring you gain financially and otherwise.
Gratefully yours,
Now I Know
It would be great if Tudor talks about how important is our gut when dealing with a narcissist. Sadly most of the time we all underrate our intuition.
@@hgtudor-theultra Why do you want to help empaths/victims of narcs HG? Money? Fuel? Attention in the comments section? I'm curious.
@@JJ-iq8mi Mainly to continue his legacy.
I go back and listen to this Tudor Treatment often. Even years of learning from the only man I trust, HG, I still need refreshers.
It is wise that anyone put this 🏅 video in their favorites. 💐
@4:57 "Anybody who has engaged in a habitual pattern of abusive, unpleasant, degrading demigrating behavior means they have no emotional empathy and therefore they could have not liked or loved you in the way that you thought had happened."
Those were exactly my thoughts, maybe the good things were true. This encounter with the narcissist has exposed my own shadow side, my selfish needs and desires, my hooks. A person who truly knows themselves cannot be deceived. Not to excuse the narcissist but it takes 2 to tango. I thank the narcissist for showing me where I needed to become honest with myself.
I played this video twice in a row. I think this is the most important point to grasp and keep in mind. The truth is tough to accept but it is accurate. The narcissists manipulate everyone they come into contact with and they don't have any feelings of like or love for anyone. The fact that the narcissist has abused us, in many instances and in many ways, over a long period of time, shows us what we need to be aware of. The narcissist never liked or loved any of us and never will. We were manipulated and abused by them for their benefit. I have had this thought in the back of my mind for quite a long time with respect to the narcissists of the past, and now I know the reality. It makes it easier to end those ruminating, lingering thoughts one may have about the narcissist.
Indeed and part of the march towards Zero Impact is quelling the rumination and the lingering thoughts.
@@hgtudor-theultra Very true indeed
@@hgtudor-theultra Precisely
The second I heard "They never loved you. They never respected you" during a meditation for healing from narcissistic relationships, I felt immediate pain in my chest and anxiety. It completely clicked in, though. But I paused it, sat up, and thought "Wait. So my mother never loved me? My ex never loved me?... No that can't be true. Wait, actually, I know what love is and what it looks like. And the way they both interacted with me wasn't love. It wasn't in a loving way. So. They never loved me and they never will. I accept that. I need to". Seeing this just reaffirms it. I'm definitely going to save this video.
Your mom probably still loved you. However, for the ex, yes. I don't believe parents are not capable of loving their own children.
@@darlamckinnon4546 Not if the mother is a narcissist. What you need to understand is that people with NPD has a personality dissorder. The same way that a person can lack a leg, or a arm. The person with NPD lack empathy. That is they have a brain dysfunction. They don`t love their children, they don`t love anybody. Not even them self. They don`t even have a " self". That is they have a " self image" , a fiction that they create to protect them harming they`re " real self". It`s like they are a person who wheres different masks, and the mask underneath it is hyper insecure. That is a " inferiority complex". They compensate this with a " superiority complex".
They are capeable of giving birth. But beeing a " mother" is more than giving birth and giving food, shelter etc. It`s also about learning the child skills to survive on their own in the world. And about emotional nurturing the child. A person with NPD lack the abillity of " emotional nurture". The ability to give birth is not the same as " Empathy". It is critical that you understand this.
second is that you can NEVER teach them empathy. And you loving a narcissist. will NEVER CHANGE THEM.
Absolutely true. Still hard to accept.
If you need further assistance, use my services.
It has taken me a number of years to get over the narcissistic relationship, but now I accept this 100%. It's a pity I didn't realize it from the beginning; Narcissists are incapable of empathy and love. Thank you for explaining this.
Wasted 6yrs in a livein relationship .
...was financial abuse....did not give what I gave so finally threw him out n blocked for year n half...moving on n very well versed on narcissism now...may he receive his KARMA and rot in hell because he is a 😈 DEMON!!!
EVIL monsters controlling manipulative cheating liars, so glad I went no contact, they are sexual predators, I see it all now and they would take everything off you even your house 🚩🚩🚩🚩 look out for these red flags so many 🙏🏽
It is certainly a difficult truth to accept, but an incontrovertible one.
Agreed.
With tears streaming down my face I accept it. The 'loving' look in his eyes, the lying in his arms at night feeling 'protected.' The way he kissed me and made love to me like no one before. His marriage proposal and my canceling the wedding. His chasing me off and on for the last 14 years. I was nothing but supply. He never wanted to fix anything.
🌻
@@tamz-b1h 💟
Thanks HG.
Deep inside we know it, we accept it but get talked out of it.
For some, I agree. For others they go in the wrong direction.
Hard reality to finally accept. Even if you've left and ready to be gone, still cant believe you wasted all this time with someone who literally never loved you, ever....not once. Yet throughout all the hurt, you loved them.......i watched this like 5 times.
I listen to this video several times a week... I'm sad to say my entire 69-years of life as a butterfly were captivated by the flames of narcissist beginning with my parents. My ultra narcisstic father actually did want me dead before I was born. And the story goes on and on.... It has been a miracle that I survived my childhood to begin with.
Same here but the narcissist was my mother, she also wanted me dead and told me so. My father was just violent when drunk. Yes, I thank God I survived all that. I have two lady friends who are narcissists because I am used to it and I feel sorry for them. They are now elderly and have a plethora of mental health issues. But when I was 53 I started a relationship with a man from work (well, he started it), and it was just as HG describes it. I have never recovered and I still don't understand why he behaved like that.
I’m glad you’re still here ❤
4:36-5:18 is very powerful stuff and the absolute truth. Abusive, unpleasant, degrading, denigrating behavior = lack of emotional empathy = lack of love. Empaths need to deeply consider this concept and find a way to believe it and wear it like protective armor. Narcissists are incapable of loving any person. Full stop.
This was an opened eye video,a punch at stomach.Brutal truth that must be heard.Great work sir.
Absolutely.
That is a gut punch for not following your gut.
@@hgtudor-theultra thank you for being so blunt on this one.
He was my biggest teacher. It took me 6 years to get over him. I understand it is the way he is wired. Nothing was personal. The depths of despair I felt whilst I was so trauma bonded, is equal to the joy I feel at being absolutely free of him. I wish him no ill. I reckon I am healed.
Never mistaken “ He’s just a little nervous & just trying to impress you” for he’s really manipulating you!! If he really cared he would of been there!
The great con - it was never real.Thank you for this superlative information.
I have watched this twenty-five times already.
Really??😳
@@lucysmith8326 it’s more now…
@@BennettsShed I'm catching up ! ...LOL
Brilliant comment 😂🤦♀️
“...and the Academy Award for best actor goes to...”
Narcs are Actors who use you to live out their fantasy
Because you were the one making it fun. They just went along with it and copied you to use on their next victim. How ironic that the next victim fell in love with you. We fell in love with ourselves😂
This video should be posted on your website HG, every year as a reminder to all your subscribers. It was the single most helpful one I heard & what FINALLY got me to "Get Out, Stay Out".
It's easy to get lost in the details about the many variations on narcissism and narcissistic behaviors, impacts, etc. but exceedingly rare to find such a lucid interpretation about how to move on, particularly if rumination is the challenge.
Well articulated.
Thank you for this truth. I recently realised that the narcissist in my life is RAGING ALL THE TIME! That there is no Mr Nice Guy in there. The nice stuff is as bad as the harmful stuff. To think otherwise is to be deluded. I believe now, and I may be wrong, that the narcissist's brain has been "flipped" in some way (perhaps by trauma) and everything is the opposite. it seems to have caused the brain to flip over in some way simply because it couldn't comprehend the world as it was. In some form of self-defence, it chose the opposite to escape it. I imagine it's like an iceberg when the centre of gravity shifts and the whole berg flips over. The top becomes the bottom, and the bottom becomes the top.
I drew an image of a person raging inside a very hard shell. Nothing good can get in and nothing good can get out. The person is self-isolated and completely alone. It is, in my view, Hell on Earth. But it is the only way this person can find the chaos that calms them. If I try to engage with them, I am deluded that they can interpret me in any other way than "upside down". Accepting this truth is the only way that I can walk away without feeling like I'm betraying my own values. Leave them where they are - just as they are. It's their "safe place".
In the meantime, I have gifts and abilities I need to develop, places to go and people to see. I have goals to achieve and freedoms to embrace. I have beauty to create, and principles to live by. I have a mind, a body, a heart, a soul and a spirit to take care of. It's a big job. Perhaps that would seem to the narcissist that I'm heading into Hell. Who knows?
Love the re-frame (for me)... I'm telling myself that I'm NOT "abandoning" them... simply accepting who they are and allowing them to remain in their "safe space."
Brilliant! 🎉
I believe this is the most important video for everyone dealing with a narcissist to become free again!! Again, thanks HG for stopping this effing annoying emotional thinking. It really starts to piss me off big time!!
Indeed.
Weltraum: Wir sollten unsere Gefühle nicht verleugnen- dann hätte der/die NarzisstIn gewonnen! Die Fähigkeit zu Lieben ist das, worum sie uns beneiden und warum sie uns hassen. Diese Superkraft müssen wir nicht aufgeben, wir dürfen sie nur nicht an diese Parasiten verschwenden!
I believe that once we accept that not being loved by someone does not mean we aren't lovable or worthy of love. It has nothing to do with us and everything to do with the other person in the relationship.
Yes, this is absolutely true and possibly the only key thing to remember.
Indeed.
No doubt. His delivery was even different than usual. Almost as if he genuinely cared about the listener's well being. Even though he doesn't, and it is always about the prime aims. Nonetheless, the best advice I have heard anywhere to date.
@@hgtudor-theultra it's so hard to believe you have no real empathy, when you post stuff like this. Guess that's why you're the Ultra.
As my kind, it is pleasant to hear yourself admit what creatures your kind r...
This is the most painful part of understanding my family members. To know that they never genuinely loved me sometimes made the pain worse. It was rather sickening to be honest. I struggled for many years believing that there was something fundamentally flawed with me because they didn't love me. There was always this conditional unspoken idea of "I will love you if...", but the love never came even if I tried to fulfill that condition. It often felt like I was chasing a carrot that I was never going to get. At one time I just gave up because trying to chase after love that I was never going to get. It just became too exhausting.
Me too in there world and other entities jobs and organizations not all some love is pain
Yes. I have two friends: one on each Coast; I'm in the middle of the country.
I have tried to maintain a friendship with them over decades and in the one case almost half century but it seems pointless . ALL I all I can figure out is the emptiness & controversy, I sense in them always, is due to a personality disorder which if not narcissism is very close and is immutable. I believe this week they both ceased being friends of mine and actually I feel a great, subtle, but great sense of relief and release . So be it. thanks
Understand you perfectly. It’s so unfair to have a bad hand dealt from the beginning because it set us up with the proverbial deck stacked against us. There’s an uphill climb both ways for us- it didn’t need to be that way- but it’s certainly not our fault. We should be commended for the strength/resilience it’s taken to “ catch up” and maintain. Those people couldn’t last a mile in our shoes. 😘
The contents of your video needs to be taught in schools. Especially this video. People don’t believe they are being abused and continue to put up with it. Thank you HG
THIS BY FAR IS THE BEST VIDEO HG!! I am so glad you made this video. I recovered on my own it wasn't easy. I figured this out on my own (sad it took me so long) This message I tell my granddaughter who is only 7 years old: If someone loves you they don't hurt you. Its not your fault they act like they do. We have choices. Know you are loved. My home is love, peace and happiness. Its our safe place. EXCELLENT HG!! COULDNT HAVE SAID IT ANY BETTER!! Thank you, people need to hear and understand.
You are welcome. Get it shared!
@@hgtudor-theultra You betcha
The fact is this person made me not believe in myself. Tables turned and i no longer genuinely believe in him emotionally. Logic
100% TRUTH! And it shall set you free!
Of course, they'll deny it.
Of course they will but you have the information from the Ultra, so tell them to go and get fucked!
HG Tudor - Knowing The Narcissist : Ultra -THAT is the ONLY thing that they “enjoy “ doing with you anyway!
The fact he abused me verbally and allowed another woman to abuse me who he was connected to shows he never loved me.
Ouch! True though... then on top of accepting the fact that they never even liked you let alone loved you, you have to deal with the embarrassment of what a sucker YOU were to buy it. Cringey, but a little self deprecation can be healthy and necessary to accepting the truth and moving on in real time. There are worst things than being a sucker ... at least you’re not a narcissist. 😉
That's where I'm at, what a sucker I am for not catching on to the red flags. But as time passes, that thought crosses my mind less and less. That means I am healing thank God! 🙂
I like that.. rather be a sucker than a narcissist..
But also remember we didn't see because we can't see what we wouldn't do or think .. that behaviour is so far from our thoughts & actions.. how would we catch it?
I'm going through it too only realised 3 weeks ago.. 8 year relationship..
But I've stopped blaming myself ..
Just happy to be free & know I can recover & be happy 😊
A Narc with no soul.
@@elvjay I was in one for 8 years as well. I'm glad to see more and more people healing. ❤
If you were birthed by a narcissist, I don't consider it being a sucker. Lol That's not a relationship you can put yourself into or even leave until you're an adult or able to live on your own. But with romantic relationships I suppose it can be helpful. I just feel anger. Because I felt so much empathy and love and gave so much of myself to a person that never gave a damn about me for a second.
And there you have it, folks!!! It took me 55 years to realize my father never loved me. The fact that my father abused me, gas lighted me, triangulated me, Baited and Switched me, manipulated me, Turned everything he did to me around and acused me of treating him badly...means he could not have loved me!!! How does someone get over this? OK, lemme listen again. When you look at it this way... IT ALL MAKES PERFECT SENSE
I could have written this myself- and you’re so right: it’s the only explanation that makes sense 🥰
Same here, but with a narcissist mother. My heart goes out to you.
I've always been drawn to people who were exciting. I despised dull people. What arrogance ! The dull people would have made me much happier in the long run. My adoptive mother and my father set me up for life , so that I made bad choices, but it has to stop now . Its ruined my health. Though God is restoring me . I'm at peace now . Hoping to find 1 or 2 good friends now , most have died now . I'm 76 . K
I am a born again Christian who has a personal relationship with God.
This is what God said to Laban, Jacob's narcissistic uncle in a dream after years of abuse:
God came to Laban in a dream by night and said to him, 'Be careful not to say anything to Jacob, either good or bad'” (Genesis. 31:24).
God being the creator of man knew that whether Laban spoke good or bad to Jacob the motivation would be manipulation, therefore he warned him not to do either.
Praise God who had known the nature of narcissism perfectly since time immemorial!🙌🏾🙏🏾
No noise pollution... just pure HG.... bliss.
WOW! WOW! WOW!!!.. I have chills as I write this! My entire life flashed back and I’ve been manipulated and abused by friends , families , relationship partners because of my naive empathy! I’ve watched thousands of videos and their is the one I’m going to keep on repeat! Major game changer!!.... Thank you thank you thank you!
Second this. You've put it perfectly and it's EXACTLY what I've been through time and time again, starting with being born to a narcissistic mother
Ouch. I knew this subconsciously, I suppose, but it still hurts. 😞
I spent 20 years with a narcissist, and I listen to this I hear my life and it is absolutely true they never loved you. I see now how I was manoeuvered into a relationship and then into marriage. Now I feel absolutely nothing except anger at how I wasted my life. My daughter cannot grasp why he would do the things he did, or does to her now, she still wants to believe in having 'a father' but does see the manipulation. When the penny drops she will be devastated.
This came just in time HG. Thank you. I’ve been thinking a lot about my narcissist. It’s been over a month of no contact and I have these moments of weakness. This is just what I needed to help with my emotional thinking. Bravo. 👏🏻
If you need help getting rid of the thoughts, arrange a consultation with me and I will have the narcissist out of your head.
@@hgtudor-theultra how do i get help with moving on from overthinking. Im really struggling and i need help!
You arrange a consultation with me narcsite.com/private-audio-consultation/ and I will help you.
@@hgtudor-theultra Ok, I will book a consultation through the link. Thank you
@@hgtudor-theultra thanks i watch this video im trying to understand my bf hes narrc ..its help a lot of me watching this ..but up to now i just cant rid of him ..i must be strong to leave him and no contact...thank u so much for this video
Truth bomb! Just so annoying as we broke ourselves over this person and wasted time and energy. It was all for nothing. It hurts but it also makes me angry! Anyways it is what it is we have to rise above this all and see it for what it truly is! Thank you HG!
I don't know how, but accepting that I was never loved is bringing me more relief and release than I've experienced in years. Thank you, HG. This was the one I most needed to hear. For the first time in so long I want to weep with relief.
This is so true! It does free you of the narcissist write it down and put it somewhere you will see it every day and it will sink in
DONE. I didn’t even know the difference between emotional thinking and logic but now I do. Thanks you
All the other channels on narcissism should really be banned except this one.
I wholeheartedly agree, it would avoid you getting fed a lot of nonsense which does not actually help you. Too many supposed experts tell people what they want to hear, rather than what will actually help them and that just leads to people being misled and conned.
I think I just had an epiphany. All of the other channels want you to believe it’s about us. We are such beautiful empaths. Grade A supply they say which makes people feel superior. It makes us think oh we are a prize and feeds our ego/our narcissism which only increases our emotional thinking. What we should realize is it really has nothing to do with us at all it’s all about the narcissists internal struggles.
Spot on. Feel so sorry for children..they don't have the emotional resources to cope with the fact their parent can't / doesn't love them.
Pay heed, indifference will follow. Thank you HG!
You are welcome.
I understand, and my last interaction in early November with my ex narcissist was me telling him, "You never loved me. Bravo on being a master manipulator. I hate you now."
Say thank you and move on
Nikhil Kumaar 👍🌸❤️
Thank you for this. I NEEDED to hear this. I've been NC with my ex-narc for over a year now, but the ruminating (on my part) is out of control. Again, thank u.
You are welcome.
you know the most painful revelation was realizing that the situationship l had with the woman who gave birth to me and other family members all these years was nothing but a lie....it is heartbreaking but at the same time liberating!!!! I am now ready to move on with my life......in the end, it is the truth that you know, that will set you free!!!
Death is the best separation. Not murder but waiting and when older they die first. Celebrate 🥳🥂 it is a glorious thing especially when you get goodies like money. Freedom is the best but money helps
This...
Your strongest and most important video yet👍
"Once you know, you go." After watching hundreds of these videos, I understand that there is no hope for anything real happening with any of them ever.
How can the narcissist Love ,they hate themselves so deeply !
Absolutely stunning video. I am almost in tears. This is so spot on and exactly what I and so many others needed to hear. Thank you.
For everyone else on a healing journey from having a narc in their life- I pray for your continued well-being and safety, and that we all successfully cut them out and move on to live meaningful, productive and joyful lives ❤️
04:32 absolute truth.
Thank you, HG 🙏🏼
HG, This is truly a huge public service message. Though you may not see it that way, it is the lightbulb moment for me.
This is the most important video HG has released, and I've seen 99% of ALL of them, going back two years, between dozens of discard cycles. Finally went no contact in August. Over thirty hoover attempts since then alone. This is THE message right here. Stay strong everyone.
Beautifully put throughout the entire video. Everything single word of this rings true. Once I started accepting that my parents never loved me made their abusive behavior make sense. It resolved my cognitive dissonance over my childhood almost completely and I no longer ruminate on the abuse like I once did since coming to the very realization illustrated in this video about a year ago. Accepting this truth is freeing and actually does make good headway towards healing. Thank you for this.
Thank you for this. Had to accept it of my own mother.
This is So true. Your work long ago helped me see that it was all a lie. Giving up hope of some redeemable qualities let me cut it all out like a cancer. I no longer feel anything but a sort of repulsion and disgust. No I’m working on getting there with my family narcissist. I have already gone is no contact as possible but of course it gets a little more complicated With other family members.
thank you for your excellent work. No one is as clear as you are.
You are welcome. Family members may take longer, but it is readily achievable.
I'm in a similar situation with close family members, needing to assist my manipulative covert narcissist 86 year old widowed mother who is the thoroughly devoted flying monkey to my malignant overt narcissist older brother, while maintaining a good relationship with my younger brother and his family. I no longer share personal opinions, thoughts, information with Mom and I try to stay very vigilant about giving her jabs any thought at all - "Look at that. She simply cannot help herself. That's unfortunate for her" is basically what I tell myself instead of trying to figure out, for example, how she could "forget" to mention the "family vacation" she arranged for herself, both my brothers and their families until 8 days before they all flew out together. I misinterpreted her sly grin when I ignorantly spent several hours trying to explain how that was hurtful to me. Now I understand she was soaking up all my obvious pain while simultaneously gaslighting me into thinking perhaps I was overreacting, not giving her the benefit of the doubt, misunderstanding her intent. That was the incident that finally sent me searching for an explanation for why I consistently left interactions with her feeling confused, guilty and inadequate.
I'm no longer confused, no longer feel responsible for explaining myself to her or most anyone, and I'm aware of my competencies as well as my inadequacies. I no longer accept or react to her implied or overt judgments of me.
Shedding the illusion of a happy, loving family of origin isn't nearly as painful as maintaining it at the expense of your self-esteem.
@@eurokay4755 how utterly heartbreaking 💔These vampires are everywhere 🤬Thank God you have the clarity to heal from this hellish nightmare 👺
Narcisstic adult childr..what to do?
@@hgtudor-theultra Narcissistic adult children? What to do when mother is a huge empath?
Got hoovered back into his ensnare and within three days of this, I've used your knowledge vault and RUclips videos to fight my emotional thinking. He's a middle mid-range type B. He ended up crying, blaming me and as usual, saying he's a bad person and then seeking permission to sleep!
Well done. Consult with me if you want to slam that ET in a box and nail the lid shut.
Thank you for these words! Now I realise if someone continuously hurts or abuses me, they don't love or like me and I need to get that person out of my life and stop making excuses for that person's appalling behaviour!
Thank you very much for this. It’s straight forward, logically approached in a way that’s easy to digest during times of emotional upheaval. It will serve as a very good reminder. I highly suggest anyone in turmoil grappling with your emotional state to keep this vid on save. Or voice record it as a quick clip on your phone to play to remind you during the day if you struggle with a ptsd flashback of anxiety/anger. It will prob keep you from doing something not in your best favor. Your voice was beautifully clear and concise Mr Tudor. That & the knowledge is all we need to hear to move past this trauma. Thank you sir.
You are welcome.
This helps soothe my soul and reinforces clarity and understanding. Thank you HG.
This video can be painful to listen to, because it is the truth. Remember, just because you now know the love you thought the narcissist gave you was not real, and it wasn't, that does not mean you are not lovable. I think it's very important for people to know this. For people who find this video especially hard to hear, I think it's easy for them to blame themselves. They have to know the narcissist did not love them because they simply can't.
Yes that's right.
Yes, it's not you, we all are loved. It's the narcissist who cannot love anyone at all.
Excruciating to hear.
Accepting this is what hurts me the most. I understand he never loved me and I understand he would’ve never abused me if he did love me. But knowing that is what kills me the most. Knowing he truly never loved me is destroys me but made me realize I had to let go and now have to live life without him and find someone who truly loves me. It’s hard and it sucks to accept it but it’s all apart of the grieving process.
I needed to hear this , hurts like hell but am still numb and in shock that the man I thought loved me treated me this way .Am going to listen to this until it sinks in because there is still a part of me that's addicted to him , god knows why , he is a monster .
Ok ok!!!!! I finally get it!! 20mo post narc. Well on my way to healing. BUT, I still thought that deep down he did love me!!!! This guy was, is a master at this game!!!! Thank u!!!!