This is what relationship hypervigilance looks like...
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Complete transcript:
This is what relationship hypervigilance looks like...
Partner: You forgot to do the laundry I left out
I'm gonna do it, I have nothing left to wear.
Self: Oh my god I'm so sorry. I totally forgot because I was at work late and then I got a call from my sister and I had to help her out. And I really should have remembered, but I didn't. It's completely my fault. I'm an idiot.
Partner: It's fine I know you had a lot going on. I'm just going to throw these in.
Self: No, no, no I'll do it I've got it. I should have done it in the first place, just go sit down.
Partner: It's fine like I said. I'm just gonna go do it.
Self: (emotional monitoring) Are you mad at me?
Partner: I already told you it's fine. I understand you have a lot going on. So no I'm not mad.
Self: (lack of trust that it really is okay) Okay I'm just making sure. I really didn't mean it. I'm really sorry. I shouldn't have taken that call from my sister. I should have just done the laundry.
Partner: It's really not a big deal.
Self: Alright do you want to watch a movie?
Partner: I have some work to catch up on.
Self: (Racing thoughts around someone being mad at you).
If someone tells you that it's fine and it really isn't, that's on them. If someone tells you they're not angry and they really are, that's on them.
Thank you! I need that lol
I am the QUEEN of asking 'are you mad at me?' for literally no reason 😂
Me too
Me 3
@@stacygendreau4816 me 4
I don’t wanna annoy people so I try not to do that too often 🥲 Also that’s the only way I can learn to actually trust without having to ask all the time 🙃
I say it every day 😞
I sometimes do the emotional monitoring with my quiet partner who rarely expresses his emotions... And also I'm used to my parents being reserved as well, suppressing their emotions and them being passive aggressive 😔
I also used to do this and it's definitely harder to escape when your with someone who you feel like doesn't open up enough. Just try to remember they're not your responsibility while also showing them your are a safe space at the same time when they do feel ready to talk
@@Serenity_escapes yes, I gotta remind myself of what is whose responsibility. Thank you!
Why didn't the person 'without issues' just go do it without needing to announce the others failure 🤔
@@livingareallifeabroad7588 Sorry, I didn't understand your comment. Can you explain more?
@@livingareallifeabroad7588 Do what? What failure? Who is the person without issues?
Ok!!! You've identified the problem. Now, what's the solution?
I came here to ask the same thing.
@@KimberlyLaFleur I think I've figured it out. She is suggesting subliminally that we seek her services. Yes she's identified the problem and she evokes frustration to ask the question that we have and then wants to capitalize off our frustration.
If I'm wrong, I apologize. I'm not saying that seeking her for further help is a bad thing however the method through TikTok 1-2 minutes is cruel( my opinion).
Because we've acknowledged the problem, we have half the battle won.
Ponder prayerfully.
@daion1247 TBH, I would be glad if she would point me to one of her videos or books that would help me resolve this bc it's a real issue for me. If I find a solution, I'll try to remember to post it here. 💛
Yep. That's SO familiar. Can't let go of the guilt feelings.
I remember back in the 70’s during a child therapy session being told- and I felt accused, and I felt this was “another thing I’m doing thats wrong”, …. I was told I explained too much.
It was viewed as a negative. So in the first place I was already hurt and angry, and after that I felt condemned. My mom was included in this assessment. And we weren’t assisted or told Why, nor given any understanding. (We were a divorced family and I had issues and suffered symptoms even then in my early teens).
And I’m still the same all these years later, searching faces at work for signs, stifling the urge to ask if anything is wrong, overthinking, anxious….. and over explaining to any questions…..
A really great example! Love these shorts x
right way:
1. say sorry and explain (not overexaplain) : "I'm sorry I forgot, I had a lot on my mind last night"
> take accountability
2. Solve problem : doing the laundry now, exchange chores or whatever OR accepting if your partner says they got it (like in the video)
3. Trust your partner : if they are angry at you or angry you didn't do the laundry and want YOU to do it, they have a mouth right there ready to speak. They are supposed to be mature emotionally, they can speak for themselves and you don't have to read their mind.
That's so hard because trauma, emotions and fears are always with us. But we can do it 😊
This is very helpful!! I especially like the part where you remind us that if somebody's mad at us or wants to tell us something they have a mouth and they can say so we don't have to fear that somebody is angry with us and we can also use our mouth to say what we want. ❤ Growing up with abuse definitely comes with its challenges through life but you're right we can do this! We are smart, We are capable & we are amazing for wanting to learn.❤
The work I've done on myself with this.
How?
Me bc my stepdad gets irrationally mad at me for the smallest things 🥰
For anything, anytime 😢
@@shrimpdance4761 I'm sorry that's happening to you. I'm sending you love and support from a loving parent!!!
Sending you love and support! I'm sorry that is happening to you. I'm a loving parent and I'm sending you love! you are valuable beyond your family
@Redd71 thank you for being kind 🙂
I feel like I can be both. I did feel like she was mad… was she? lol
This is me! Drives my husband 🤪. I hate over explaining everything- how can I stop??????
For me, it helped a lot to ask my partner "hey, will you tell me if I'm doing the thing again?" because after a while I started to catch myself doing it and stop earlier on in the process ❤
Do throat chakra meditation. And balance your other chairs. Get crystals too. ❤
@@tazandalsoalastname love that - thank you
@@laurawhite24-7I also thought of another thing we do that helps a lot! When one of us is having a bad day we say to the other something like "hey, I'm really annoyed by some work stuff today so I might look super grumpy but it's not because of you and I'm not mad at you" as, like, a pre-emptive thing 😁
@@SB-ss5ih I know you meant to type chakras but I just find the idea of balancing all your chairs hilarious 😂
I used to feel this with extreme shame and guilt. I feel it slightly now, but learning to accept my shadow side and allowing myself be human without judgement has helped me immensely.
How did you deal
@@xoxjelloxox Your question just gave me inspiration to make a TikTok video about it. About how to address and work through it. I’m not sure if RUclips will let me link it, but I’ll let you know when I make the video!
@@katrinaswenson5579 Id love to watch it!
Yep I've got that, 😢 coming from a abusive narcissistic home messes u up, that you've to be cautious all the time what u have to say to other people, then even when it's not your fault you're explaining and over explaining to people , 😢
It's weird and awkward at the same time 😅😮
My father would get obviously angry and then deny it. Days later, it would all come out. As an adult, I get horrible anxiety if I think my partner is mad at me. Luckily, he’s been around my dad enough to witness it. He finally understands why I have to ask if he’s angry over and over.
When in this situation you can just channel the part of you that is mad at you (ie your projection of them being mad at you). And hear it out, let it process and then the fear of them being mad at you will dissipate near immediately and you’ll feel way better
I developed some hypervigilance within my last relationship, and find it's spilled over into how I am with everyone...
whenever I am with a group of people (even if I was invited by them) I stay uncomfortable the whole time feeling that they are most likely don’t want me here with them and they do dislike me.. having the urge to withdraw.. and on my tiptoes looking for clues to confirm wether they really want me out or that it’s just ok..!
why is that, what should I do to fix it? (what would be a healthier version look like?)
thanks
I have this but what greatly helps me is some reasurance and cuddles from my partner which with my own work i do on my nervous system is like deep medicine for my soul❤
Thank you for sharing! It helps so much to be able to recognise these patterns❤ my husband does these things and i am always confirming to him that we are partners and I also have a responsibility to express my emotions and he does not have to be hypervigilant.
Thank you❤
Yup. I constantly need my husband to verify he isnt mad at me bc my dad was always angry, especially during football season. Id have to crawl on the floor to avoid passing by the tv and blocking my dads veiw. Id get yelled at and the severity of the yelling and dagger glares depended on how good his team was playing. He's a cowboys fan....
If I had a dollar for every time I was worried someone was mad at me… ugh
That's me to a T! It's crazy and the thing is, we really don't mean it it is not a lazy thing at ALL! If anything I try so hard to make every little detail perfect I will forget something big like that! At least in my mind it's big. And I really am so sorry when I do stuff like that but I feel like no one understands me. Until I started watching these and realized what's really going on with me. 😢
this feels really hard to overcome
Well this is what happens when you grow up with abusive parents who will scream at you senseless for unfinished laundry, even when you have plenty of clean clothes to survive the week. Dirty laundry = I would be shamed to no end. No matter what, dirty laundry was unacceptable. To this day, I find myself associating my self worth with how much laundry is done. I have really been working on it in therapy.
This is me.
When you’ve messed up, it’s so hard to believe it’s ok… I do the same things - can’t believe it’s really ok!
A lot of people behave this way. It's exhausting
You wouldn't believe how many times in my life that I have asked, are you mad at me and then having racing thoughts when I don't feel like the other person is being honest with me or believes me when I say I am sorry. Ironically I need to do my laundry.🤣
I even ask my kitty over and over again "are you okay?"😅😢
this is me being hyper viligent
I just assume everyone hates me and is angry at me all the time. It helps keep people away so I don't get hurt again too so... all good 😊
This is so totally me 😢
Okay wow this is me. I've never even heard this term
me to my cat: r u mad at me kitty? 🥺👉🏼👈🏼
OMG! That was so me to a tee! Now, not so bad because of being in the recovery process. I love their videos. So true…❤
Love this
Its cuz when we were growing up and if we forgot to do one of the chores before mom came home it was getting chewed out or spanked over not thawing the chicken or switching the laundry.
This is me
Very relatable
Omg this is soooo me. Ive never felt so understood. Thank you Dr Nicole. How do i fix it?
Yep.
This helps me understand my friend better.
But how do I help them?
ugh, this is me
❤
…..oh.. so that’s what that is…
oh no its me!
Yup
What causes relationship hyper vigilance?
Yeah, but... When did fine start meaning fine, and not "yes i am furious with you" ?
What is the source of relationship hypervigilance?
Oof. I have done this
This is so common Why?
Yikes! 😊
Wait this isn’t normal?
Yepppppp
Omg. Triggered
Saaame
Geez I keep seeing myself in your vids. It's more informative but still just a wee bit triggering but all good, kinda 🤦😂
Ughhhhh . Me
Where’s your counterpart? 😅