At last, someone gets me! I have ADHD and autism, and I've been waiting all my 54 years for someone who understands. ( 😭happy tears.) It's such a relief!
Beatifulfulllifegesag: i also work at a school. If i may ask, do they know you're autistic? Thinking of coming out, but worried they may find excuse to get rid of me. While I know of workplace discrimination laws, they can find some other excuse.
Feeling this currently in burnout, work in office Mon-Friday from 8-1730 and they hate having windows open, cannot use noise cancel headphones due to needing to do calls and been told I cannot work from home.
One thing Ive learned, clearly and gently showing needs and boundaries is a necessity. "Hhmm let me think", "I hear you, one sec..", "I gotta step out for a minute". Clearing myself of shame and throwing out a quick script just make everything so much easier. Its also luck that I live and work in a place that is full of amazing people who have patience and understanding.
Soooo nice to be taught boundaries via the technique of "somebody's already mad at me for not realizing that the boundary exists." That's been a lifelong obstacle for me. Also, another benefit to staying up late is that most of the social encounters have gone to bed! This was even a survival tactic when I was the full-time caregiver for my grandma in her last few years -- if I hadn't been able to stay up for some quiet, non-tense time after she'd gone to bed, I don't think I would have survived.
I’ve also really struggled with boundaries and social norms/expectations. I don’t feel comfortable asking directly in some environments (like work) but especially with friends, I ask them to please tell me if something is annoying to them or if I say or do something wrong. Sometimes I ask for reassurance too when I get anxious. But if someone doesn’t tell me the rules, or alert me when I’ve broken them, I can’t do anything to fix the problem or address the issue in the future. I always explain that I’m doing my best, and if there’s something I’ve missed, I’m excited to learn how to do it better and I’m appreciative of the new information. Some people may still not understand that indirect communication is unlikely to help, and may actually just make the situation worse. But there are a lot of people out there who are willing to explain, to communicate directly what they need or want from me, and who offer support instead of judgement when I’m trying to learn. I am an adult and obviously want to be treated like one, but I think it’d be awesome if we, as a society, started to think about helping others the way we would any child who is doing something for the first time. If you wouldn’t yell at a child for not knowing something because they’re experiencing it in the world for the first time, why would you yell at an adult who is? We don’t magically have all the information about the world when we turn 18. Learning is a lifelong process and helping others without shaming them when there’s a knowledge or skill gap needs to be the norm for how we treat everyone, not just children.
I love that you made a music free version (although I found this one first). I really struggle with processing auditory language especially with background music even with subtitles. Thanks for a nice easy succinct list and simple solutions that can be helpful for a variety of people regardless of their neurotype
I explained it like this to my partner: when you re-ask a question before I process and respond you’ve etch-a-sketched my brain and I have to start all over again. My daughter is the same and had a great kindergarten teacher. When the teacher would overhear other teachers ask her a question she would step in and say “wait for it…”
To get a little bit of thinking time, I would say something like, "...ooh tough question, I like them all..". Autistic sleep problems mixed with ADHD wanting to keep watching/playing/doing the thing is terrible. I am lucky where I work, quite often I can be busy enough to not talk to any one, so I can stim, usually by talking to myself in funny accents (the mouth-feel & sound of funny accents is very comforting).
Even just saying words like how I would pronounce them in the rules of another language is amazing! Using Japanese pronunciation rules on English words is a lot of fun. Try that sometime! :)
I burned out from a ten hour work week. The actual work was great, but having to socially interact for hours did me in. I had to quit after two years. Between chronic illnesses and autism, I don’t often get out of survival mode.
I'm in the chronic illness and autism boat with you, and it's not an easy ride. Honestly, just being in survival mode all the time is exhausting, when there are things I'd much rather be doing than simply surviving. I'm not sure how to get unstuck from this place right now, either. Money would help immensely, but how do you acquire it when you live in a capitalist society and can't work a regular job, let alone one that would actually pay for the treatment and supports that you need?
@@thing_under_the_stairs I hear ya, both y'all. And likewise do not know how to solve the situation other than spontaneously generate a different set of genes, and different immune system, and different endocrine system, and different neurological system, and different musculoskeletal system.
I feel you. I work overnights in a warehouse now in near complete isolation. My 48 hours per week here is LESS exhausting than my 12 hour weeks were as a barista. I LOVED making coffees! But even just 3-4 hours per day masking around coworkers and customers was EXHAUSTING.
I finally got a four day work week and it's frustrating to find out that's too much in my position. I'm already experiencing burnout and I have an 18 month contract 😢
Processing is a bit of a nightmare for me. I have pretended to have hearing damage for decades to buy some grace when I ask others to repeat themselves. It really does not take too much. Just say my name and give a slight pause before launching into your explanation, story, or question. Saying my name alerts me that there is something for me to pay attention to. A slight pause will give me time to rearrange my awareness toward whatever one has to say. But many NTs just launch and expect me to ride their wave. I can hear just fine, but I can't hear them most of the time.
I have the Thame issue but coupled with actual bad hearing. So even if you say my name first or I am aware that you are speaking to me, if you face the other way I’ll have a hard time. It really is annoying. I usually stop asking for clarification after the second time. That doesn’t mean I understood. It just means I have up.
i can't thank you enough for your videos. you are helping me so much. 50 years old, just diagnosed last year. i almost didnt make it. its because of youtubers like you who led me to get help, and the autism diagnosis 'gave me persmission' to change my life and create one that im capable of.
@ChrisandDebby1 im not stupid. i know you're not the youtuber who made this video. the fact that you're preying on a mentally ill person proves you're trash. stop being such a bottom feeder. every human has talents, stop wasting your life scamming and start doing what you were born to do. maybe no one has ever recognized your talents, but i promise you, you have one, you can change and be a good person anytime you want. you'll make far more money doing it with your talents, than you will scamming mentally ill people. side note: most mentally ill people dont have much money cuz we've spent it all on therapy, medication and unemployment during extended times of sickness. i guarantee you, you are good at something. believe in yourself :)
@@tinycroft1184 i googled ASD diagnosis in my state then started calling and asking if they had capacity. long waiting lists. then the series of testing takes several months. it was worth every penny to me. I highly suggest doing it if you can afford it. I couldn't afford it and its not covered by insurance in my state, but I put it on a credit card and I do not regret it. if you're female, make sure you go to a doctor who is experienced with autism manifestation in females. some doctors are still extremely ignorant about female autism.
As an autistic software developer, I've been able to work from home for most of 25 years. I can't even imagine having to spend all of that time in an office.
1. processing time: jeez, these people who think that bombarding you with further questions helps if you don't have an answer ready within 2 seconds. that only leads to you throwing prefab answers back at them, very helpful. 2. it's not only uncomfortable and not very useful to look people in the eyes when i'm listening to them, that is using my hearing. as i don't become more clairvoyant from looking at them, i easily feel spied upon, xrayed, if they insist that i open my eyes to them. do they see anything in me i can't see in them? 3. morning people, aaah. those who subject you to a barrage of additional questions before you even know on what planet you woke up. 4. people who designed most work environments need to be seated right in front of a floodlight with music blaring, so they can experience what their places for productivity" are like. that's why i avoid the cafeteria, i've barely taken a seat and put my earpods to watch something good like your video when someone comes to my table and starts a conversation about mundane stuff... so i can't use my break to disconnect and regenerate a bit. 5. working from home, the best thing we got from the virus. 6. exactly this, it's hard to get a grip on their norms when they change these on the fly, but judge those who can't find a pattern in their mess.
I got an 8 week internship at NASA over the summer. The weekly meetings with this person or that person. Sitting through other people’s projects that have nothing to do with mine, so my mind goes a mile a minute down their track and I can’t get back to mine. The constant socialization requirements. A pizza social, two BBQ’s in the same week, another group meeting with even more people. The only time I could work was in my dorm room at night. There was no AC, so no humming noise to sleep by and it didn’t cool off until 4am. I was taking Adderall everyday and I was still dragging my feet. My energy was stretched thin and I didn’t know what was “the most important thing” because all of it was considered important from one person or another. To say the least, it ended badly. And it’s usually a given when it’s a female that’s the boss. Guys tend to give more leeway to my oddities.
Eye contact for me is deeeeeply intimate. Not like sexually but like I just stare at the soul and the rest of the person is stripped away. And like I don't want to do that without being invited. Cause that's rude.
Indeed. But what's worse is their demand you bare your soul to them, because eye contact is two-way. I find live theatre difficult because the actors are trained to stare out at audience members, and the apparent eye gazing freaks me out. Worse still, movies or tv where actors stare intently at the camera creeps me the feck out. I know, of course, that they can't see me let alone make eye contact - but still, it feels deeply unsettling and intrusive to me. Even with close friends and family, although eye contact is possible, it's intermittent and very fleeting. Soul gazing is far too intimate. 😱
I FINALLY got old enough for Social Security. Thank GOD !! At age 62, I can just LIVE !! Just be me, all day long. I do what I want, when I want 24/7 !! It’s great !!
I cannot tell you the number of THERAPISTS who told me that I am lazy. (I am self diagnosed with autism/diagnosed with dissociative identity disorder). I have been told by professionals I need to focus, not be selfish, and even to stop feeling sorry for myself 🤔whatever that means. Then there is family and friends, completely unsupportive and to whom I was basically a slave. Eventually I burned out completely and I am not sure I will recover. I am so glad I found your videos. You present very well and clearly. As of late, you have become my go to for autism related information. It was social media who told me repeatedly that I am autistic and a woman sent me links to assessments. There is no doubt that I am autistic. I waited to age 57 for a DID diagnosis and I doubt I will ever get an Autism diagnosis. I feel like I got the short sale on this life. It started downhill and keeps going. I understand why suicide is so high for elderly autistic. I am well done.
Oh wow, those therapists sound absolutely terrible. Laziness is not about not being able to get things done or feeling exhausted / overwhelmed. Laziness is about being capable of doing something, having the energy for it, but just making a conscious choice of not doing that. What could be a good example of laziness... Ooh, I know, a therapist who just attributes client's struggles to laziness instead of trying to dig deeper and doing self-education on the topic in general.
The irony is that those therapists are actually the lazy ones because they just blame you and attack your character instead of actually listening to you and doing their job.
Please please please hang in there. I have DID too (as well as complex PTSD, and depression/anxiety, and autism) and went through a string of bad therapists. My mother and stepfather treated me like a slave. My mother's mantra for me was that I was "inconsiderate, irresponsible, and selfish." Also was told by her way too many times to stop feeling sorry for myself, and to stop being so sensitive. You can self-diagnose at Embrace Autism website. Maybe seek out a trauma specialist therapist? I'm 74, and it takes time to reclaim yourself, but it is possible to learn to live with multiple diagnoses...
The annoying (and hurtful) thing i find is that sometimes, the people with the most "book knowledge" on autism, have either no idea on how to implement their knowledge, or just don't care enough to
Hey Chris. Love your videos. As an autistic man in his early fifties who was diagnosed last year, the less I want to mask and the less I give a crap. And I can honestly say that I'm pretty much over the imposter syndrome stage. The more I look at neurotypicals following these rules, whether it's in the workplace, at an event, or even outdoors, the more ridiculous I think it is. Insert eye roll emoji here. 🙄 My brain goes, "Nah. I've ABAed myself long enough. Screw that."
Yes, yes and yes. I'm older and not knowing I was autistic I had 15 varied jobs/careers before I found my current self-employed career as a massage therapist. I work from home and clients come to me. I control the environment. I work one on one in focused sessions. Dim light. Soft music. Touch that is helpful for both of us...with conversation requiring no eye contact. Perfect. NOW I know WHY this job works for me. ... I recently had a computer issue and just understanding the different accent of the guy who was on the phone was difficult. He apparently thought I was an idiot because of the slight pause in my answers...so he talked down to me and was impatient. The second guy was much nicer. I was confused, the whole thing was sudden, and expensive. It was unexpected and I was tired. I had a very difficult time with this process, and had a meltdown afterwards...which dog cuddles helped with. I knew it was a release of the built up stress, and now that I understand my audhd mind, I was able to simply let it happen and knew what was going on. I knew it was emotional release. I got through it because I knew it was my audhd brain reacting. I knew WHY. The world doesn't support us. Learning my body's needs so when I meltdown, I know it's just my autism being overwhelmed is a huge help. Knowing that I needed to be extra nice to myself after that, and not angry at myself for crying, was a gift your videos have given me. I feel so grateful for you, and those who post for our community. Thank you. You have helped me. Any changes the world makes to help autistics would help everyone...honestly.
Good point with the need for wait time in conversations. Also, the scheduling issues is important. I’m not diagnosed with Autism, but a lot of your videos speak to me. I’ve wondered for years if I might be on the spectrum.
Hello Chris, I’m so thankfull to find your channel. You are not just funny, you also explains everything so easily and in a way that for the first time I have the feeling that finally someone got inside my mind and now gets me for good! I’m 39 years old and I just had being diagnosed as autistic, after a very long process of wrong diagnostics and treatments that made me feel worse (they thought I was borderline and bipolar). Now that I know that I’m autistic everything makes sense and I don’t feel weirdo or crazy anymore. A new world opened to my eyes and now I’m studying as much as I can to learn how to be me. After so long I struggle to unmask and to know when to say no or to stop, but I need to because I came from a severe burnout. But there is so much that I still don’t know how to do, like be more flexible in my routine or with my thoughts, how to deal with emotions, how to survive in a not that gentle world when you are so emotional sensitive, how to not feel so drain by people, how to have the courage to quit my job and find a remote one, how to not me ashame or feel less, dumb or deal with my errors, etc. But I know that this is a growing process of selfawakness and take times, and I gave the firsts steps. And now I can count with your support too so I can continue finding more about me and pealing of my onion layers until I feel ready to show myself to the world. Thank you again!
I had a server machine gun the same question at me over and over because he asked me to pick one of two choices, but I actually wanted a substitution (that was on the menu, I wasn't being all crazy) and so instead of picking one of the choices offered, I kept saying "no." Like god, my dude, just pause for one second so I can remember the critical word I need to say in order to get this order across to you! We didn't get it sorted until I shouted "STOP!" and he shut up for 2 seconds.
I teard up when watching this. The demand of those 40 hrs workweeks is killing my adhd-soul. I really can't cope with it!! And NO I AM NOT LAZY GOD DAMMIT!!!!!! 😭😭😭 And the lack of understanding autistics in society is still a huge problem for us all 😔 Thank you for this channel and the education you are giving the world about us autistic spectrum people ❤❤❤❤
I found that the 5 days a week at work is a soul killer. 4 days a week with 10 hours work days is still exhausting but that extra day of rest is really worth it.
@@robertsteinbach7325 my problem is long workingdays, so I can just about cope with working 6 hrs per day. And that doesn't pay the bills. So I guess I'm stuck with this horrible exhaution until I retire 😭😭😭😭😭
as a person with ASD myself, I have found that office jobs are not for me with all the social dynamics that come into play. I do better with a hands on job. I'm an electronics technician, and enjoy my job. It is very gratifying. I feel that trade type jobs are much better for those on the autism spectrum. It feels great to accomplish a tangeable task like building or fixing something
About to hit the start of the working week and already just want to yell at the world before stepping through the door. Feels like I'm stuck in overwhelm teetering on burnout.
With regard to processing time, it made me think of an argument that I had with a former girlfriend… I can’t even remember what it was about, but I remember trying to formulate a response to a question, and she was being impatient with me about it, to the point of her exclaiming “Say something!”. The only thing I could think of to say was “Somethin’!”, like Curly from the Three Stooges… she then said that she didn’t know if she should laugh or punch me.
Fully agree. With the sleep issues, I've got a different issue: my brain gets active in early morning hours and I tend to wake up between 4-5am and there is just no way for me to go back to sleep at this point. I will just end up thinking and worrying about all the things I need to do or what will happen if I actually do fall asleep again and then wake up late and my morning routine is disrupted and I don't manage to do all the things I need. So for me starting early is not an issue but what people may struggle to understand is that because of this, it is part of my routine to a) start getting ready for bed around 9pm and b) go to sleep at 10pm. If I don't, I will still wake up at 5 and be exhausted the next day and then I'll be very prone to sensory overload and meltdown. So going out and staying after 10 is an absolute nightmare for me not just because of the socialising /high noise (which is already a lot and takes time to recover from) but then worrying about my routine being disrupted and being exhausted the next day and the domino effect from that. But how do you explain this to a neurotypical? 😔 Thanks for the great videos, I hope some non-autistics watch this and take it on board!
Thank you guys! Really appreciate your videos... they are both great for validation... but also for sharing with loved ones who're looking for a little more insight. Also, you should really advertise that if some of us are too busy, or maybe are like me and have dyslexia... there are typically audio-books for these books you're suggesting. My wife just listened to "The Autistic Survival Guide to Therapy" by Steph Jones in audio-book form while she was on her daily commute. She loved it.
I’m an elementary school teacher in the primary grades. Sadly, many of these really helpful accommodations aren’t feasible for me. It’s loud and overwhelming all day long. I’m only going to work 4 more years, which will conclude a 30 year career, the last two of which I was aware I was autistic. I am so very tired. On the weekends, all I want to do is be in my bed with RUclips and my subscribers, or on a bench in the park looking at the birds. I’m looking forward to 2030 when I will finally be free from the 9-5 (or 7-4 in my case!)
Oh my, I am a middle school teacher, this year diagnosed with autism. It is absolutely impossible to do home office or find a quiet spot and when I come home I feel exhausted. At very hard days I come home, close the door and cry. There is not enough energy left for my beloved hobbies. I really hope it gets better for you. Me, I have to do the job for about 20 years more and am not sure if I can do that.
@@birgittnlilli9726I feel your pain. My AuDHD best friend did teacher training for high school here in Oz. She didn't last long in that career. She was an awesome teacher, I think, but the crowds, noise, stress, aggressive/disruptive students, students who hated school and teachers just about broke her to pieces. I've read of some teachers managing by private tutoring, by working in schools with small classes, by online teaching or distance ed, and so on, but it's otherwise, I think. Weirdly, I enjoyed the little teaching, marking papers etc that I did - university undergrad level - but it wasn't a fulltime career. Casual employment while working on my Honours degree, then my PHD. For as long as that lasted, lol.
@@birgittnlilli9726 I hear you and I understand. I cry a lot to and find comfort in my bed. My family (partner and 19 year old daughter …son is off in university) are not sure what to do with me. I literally can’t do much when I come home. I don’t cook dinner anymore, I barely straighten up the home, and I never want to talk about my day. Before realizing my autism, I masked so hard that I did all the things. I believe I’m in burnout and hope that if I nurture myself a bit, and allow this all to come to the surface, that I’ll find my way back to me…just a different version of me. Regarding you, explore other options around your other talents. Can you write e-books, create an online course, or transition to an out of classroom position? I’ve always dreamed of working in a little bookstore or a library. I might look into that after retirement. I’m holding space for you. 💕
If you haven’t look into loop earplugs or mucisians earplugs which have diffrent decibel counts also fotocromatic glases ( there are diffrent colors and you can try the diffrent colors to feel what feels most comfortable) for me personally reducing both noice and light has had a massive effect on reducing the impact on other stimuli as well. No one can really tell that you are using them as that type of aid and it just feels like the volume on life is turned down. A medication supposedly for anxiety depression but which researchers have found can be really helpful for neurospicy people are buspiron actavis but in much lower dosages 2,5 -5 mg morning and afternoon also gives more quiet plus focus.
I really resonate with the restaurant thing. My family have made fun of me as for years as I don’t like going into a restaurant, and when I do I always hate it… I can’t stand to order food if I don’t see it first, or the level of noise 😮 and worse thing is eating food you don’t like and pretending to enjoy it and then having to pay a huge bill. Also being stuck next to people you don’t want to talk to and can’t get away from. I live in the UK , so mostly the food isn’t that good anyway! There’s always so much choice on the menus and the music or people are way too loud! I’m diagnosis ADHD but know I also am autistic, it’s been dawning in me for a while now 😂
So true, all of it. I only just recently learned that I'm autistic, and I'm finally learning some accomodations for myself. Unfortunately I'm still in a burnout from years or pushing myself too hard to work, go to school full time, and mask, all as a perfectionist. A new school year is about to start for me next week, and I am going to try not to mask so much, because now that I know what it is and I'm not gaslighting myself about it anymore, I'm realizing that it's exhausting enough already to deal with the hustle culture of the States as an autistic, that I don't really need to spend any extra energy than I have to. Besides, I'd rather make friends that know I'm autistic and are okay with that, rather than those who know a fake me.
Not only am I a night owl, I've been called stupid, indecisive and "Why can't you just PICK something already?" when at the restaurant. I tend to be a slower eater too, I like to enjoy my food. I'm around a bunch of friends who (from my perspective) just wolf things down and then complain that I'm not done yet, leading to me taking the rest of my meal to go, or an even more fun scenario for me, I get the runs from the stress of being out in the first place! One thing I've learned is that restaurants will always ask what I want to drink first. I usually have an idea of what I'm in the mood for food-wise, so my next task is to figure out what beverage will go with what food I'm in the mood for. If I make the wrong combination, even that could lead to disastrous sensory overload for my brain, tongue, and digestive issues. I've had to end a day of fun because I've overloaded my sensory self and couldn't deal with anything else for the day. As for the ADHD part that I know I already have: I've been watching this 9 minute video for the past 20 min, having to pause constantly for various things because I'm definitely not focused today! 😶🌫 Thank you Chris, I'm deeply grateful that you're explaining things for us to learn! I'm definitely sharing this with my friends, even if my test results come out with something different, this video is me personified by your explanations 😊
I understand and sympathize with you. Also, friends don't call other friends stupid! Your friends don't sound very compassionate or understanding of you. I hope you get to experience a nice, peaceful outing lubricated by friends who are on your wavelength and give you the time and grace to have fun the way you need to.
Would it be possible to say that you would prefer to order a drink later, like after the food comes out? Most hosts/hostesses seem to be accommodating, but I guess it depends on the place/situation. I don't eat out much, but when I do, I try to look up the menus beforehand of the place we're going to. Or just stick with water in my case 😅
@@naffy113 That's what I do as well, I ask where were going and look up the menu in the car on the way there 👍We usually pick a second option in case the first option is full, that's when I get a little more messed up about it. My partner doesn't drink, gets the unsweetened iced tea and slurps it down with his food, so not an option. I've asked him before if he wants dessert while he watches me eat, but he won't do that either 🤷
Totally on point with everything you said and everything I've had to deal with. The whole idea that a certain group can dictate what everyone does socially based on their upbringing or their college experiences or what they learned in their generation is just completely unfair. They're definitely needs to be a lot more acceptance and a lot more tolerance in the workplace
The complexities of social norms section makes me think of one of my pet peeves: common sense. It's something that really doesn't exist. "Common sense" basically says "I've have had certain experiences in my life and based on those experiences, I have come to a conclusion that I assume any person living should come to as well because they probably had similar life experiences to mine." But in most cases that is totally subjective, because what is a common occurrence to one group of people may not be common at all to another. Like one person could consider it is "common sense" to not shake a soda unless you want it spraying everywhere. But what if you lived in a household that never drinks soda, doesn't like soda, and if you do it's something with very little carbonation, or maybe only from fountain drinks? You wouldn't necessarily know that opening an agitated can or bottle would lead to you being covered in soda.
The first part that you are talking about is cognitive empathy. (Understanding that other individuals - all individuals - have different thoughts, feelings, perspectives, and experiences than ourself.) The last part is simply learning about things by experiencing them and doing them (Learn from different life experiences.) I do believe in showing that one has sense. That involves good decision making and critical thinking. It is uppsettly rude though to say to someone who may be forgetful, struggling with a task or situation, or does something that ends in a mistake "Don't you have any sense?" Nobody should do that to others - (all individuals.) We all should treat every individual with at least a monicom of respect and understanding.
I have found that if I'm working alone I can easily work more than 40 hours a week and still feel invigorated. Add a few people into the mix and suddenly it's a chore just to hit 40!
Processing time kills me. Doctors appointments are the worst. Even when I bring a prioritized list and my husband, I leave with nothing discussed that was important to me. So frustrating!
Hahaha yeah this happens all of the time. Last time I went in person to make an appointment she asked for the reason. I said let me think because I always forget what I came in for and then listed 4 different things. When I saw the doctor they said it said the reason for my appointment was I was having trouble remembering things and that was it. Felt like sabotage.
@@patrickday4206 no way! I'll have appointments for a specific purpose, and my doctor will spend the whole time talking about tests or shots I should have. It took me three months to request a medication increase. 🙄
Most of my work colleagues start a 6am and leave work by 3pm. I usually start at 9 or 9:30 and I stay until 5pm. Those 2 hours when I am alone are bliss. Thankfully I also get to work from home 2 days a week so that allows me some time to actually do some work, instead of having to attend meetings or speak to people
I agree. Although I would not say "this bothers me, etc". Rather I would ask: "Are you aware that ... can be done so and so? Because I see you do ... different than others/me and I was wondering why that is? Would you please consider telling me why? So I can understand and/or learn about you and what moves you better? Thank you!" Because I am autistic myself, plus adhd and bipolar, I know how aweful I always felt when someone would tell me that something I did by default (aka how my brain is wired, so not by choice) is bothering them. It would not be helpful for my self image, to bring it mildly. Therefore I would never want to do that to someone else. Instead I try to ask the questions I would of gladly answered when I was the weird one out... And indeed, who decides what's good social behaviour (coming from a behaviourist) anyway. Who decides what's normal. If someone points out to me that what I am doing, or how I am dressing myself etc etc is not deemed "normal"... I mostly reply with a smile and say "but it IS for ME". Some puzzled faces here and there, but mostly we laugh together. It's a wonderful tool to filter out who your tribe is.... 😅
Yes to all of these! 🤪 Thank you for the clear and simple explanations! I feel like your videos give a voice to the internal struggles that I have difficulty articulating and expressing. I regularly share your videos with family and friends to help them better understand. 🫶🏻
I used to work in restaurants, and I will forever be so thankful for the soundproofing that the walk-in refrigerator graces us with. I could go in there to have a mental breakdown and come back out more refreshed. It really helped, and there wasn't a social stigma against it because everyone would joke about doing it. You kind of can't do that in an office. There is now nowhere for me to hide so I have to bottle it in.
So many people either don't know or quickly forgot that literally up until 2020, working from home was considered a scam and people were encouraged to be very wary of jobs that let you work from home. NOW all jobs that let you work from home are labeled "remote". Cvd19 proved that working from home is NOT a scam and does not make people lazy or scammers. So what I want to know is WHY isn't working from a common option when applying for a non-physical job??? Most companies still want data or customer service employees to work in store and NO accommodations are given for them if they have autism other than MAYBE an extra break throughout the work day. Internet is everywhere, customer service can be done so easily from home. I don't get why employers aren't more accommodating.
@@homesteadgamer1257 because management can't be lazy in a remote setting and needs to catch up to up to date technology. You have to actually ask people what they are doing, check that you received their work etc. Whereas in an open plan office they only need to saunter in once in a while to justify to their bosses they are checking on the employees and then go back to the privacy of their offices where they enjoy their closed doors and sound proof walls (Former IT support, you wouldn't guess whose computers were filled with malware and porn, and no, gender had no correlation). And if a manager can't prove they are overseeing the employees... Well guess who just proved themselves redundant... Obligatory not all managers, but the competents ones didn't had any trouble adjusting to managing remote. Even if they themselves liked more their office setting.
Because, frankly, they're micromanagers who need to justify their existence, they're old-fashioned and refuse to accept the 'new-fangled' or 'trendy' (read suspect and/or an attempt at scamming), or they're a**holes. Or any combination thereof.
My former boss was a micromanaging narcissist. I was already in burnout when she tried to force me to return to the office in May 2020, despite successfully working from home. I literally just couldn't do it and quit without notice.
I cannot even go into restaurants anymore. Havent been in one to eat since 2019. My food allergies are just too bad. Heck often I react to the fumes from outside! But this problem means I often cannot eat anything while I am out and about. Its just not safe. Yesterday while I was out for a 6.5 hour walk I did momentarily stop into a restaurant to only use the bathroom and after that I was itchy for an hour! From the allergens in the air. Cannot really go into the library eitither because of the cleaning products they use. That affects my corn allergy too and it gets hard to breathe and that itching all over starts up! This creates social problems of a different sort. Just get a combination of corn allergy + celiac and that means you cannot go anywhere.
I feel you 100%! Having multiple food and chemical sensitivities and allergies is the pits and then adding autism to the mix makes going out and especially eating out a total nightmare 😔
You did such a good description of multiple chemical sensitivity. Are you bothered by perfumes and colognes too? I don't even try to eat out anymore, except for muffins that my husband gets for me when he goes out for coffee (the cafe has an outdoor window, a good hold-over from lock-down). I'm envious for your ability to go for such a long walk. I don't have the energy, and I'm not willing to risk having an episode of molten lava. I rarely leave our property, and when I do, I have give people a wide berth to avoid choking on their "fragrances."
@@KellyRVaden Actually, I had not heard of it, so I researched it. It sounds difficult to deal with and hard to diagnose. Since Sarah.B did not mention anaphylaxis, I answered with what I was familiar to me. Maybe you could educate all of us here about it?
For Debby- have you thought of doing any kind of group for spouses of asd-ers? A question came up about such a resource in a group I participate in and I SO want my husband to have support in the challenges to him in my unmasking process which is a really challenging time all around. Thanks for terrific content!!!
I am a direct care service provider and I often get burn out just from doing day hab all day. And driving and driving all over with my clients. Who are amazing by the way. But by the time I get home, I am done. I shut down, the lights go dim in my room and I hibernate. I have a horrible time going out on the weekends and dealing with more people. But I absolutely love my job. I do have an assessment coming up in October which I am super excited about! I am hoping this guy is better than the stupid last therapist who didn't listen to a thing I said. Your channel has really been helping me! 😀
I worked 30 years with the same employer. The social burden of the office wasn't too bad at first - we were all there to do a job and our respect for each other depended mostly on how well we did that job. But for the last 10-15 years the culture shifted to something more like social media, where style matters more than substance and actual expertise is treated with suspicion. This became intolerable for me personally and I think it will also be bad for business in the long run.
I've come to truly appreciate my 4-day work week over the past few years. I'm still productive on the 5th day, either running errands or community volunteer work, but that's much less demanding than going into work. And my current job is actually not terrible for people with ASD as I think a good chunk of my workmates have it. I work early and leave early. Unfortunately the pay is kinda crap, but it's served me well for the past few months since moving to a new city. Hopefully the job interview I have today reveals something that supports most, if not all, of my needs. Thanks for this video!
Everywhere I've worked has forced me to come into the office and it was always a nightmare. Fighting horrific traffic over an hour both ways and then having to do with that. One job I had, at least I had my own office and I could retreat into the server room. Another I had to work in a cubicle. That was awful. I burned out. 😕. I started having heart palpitations, an irregular heartbeat and panic attacks. I got laid off for budget cuts when the economy tanked. I was devastated but I now see it as a blessing in disguise. That job was killing me. I went to work for myself after that.
One more comment for the algorithm: Does anyone else have a problem making eye contact *effectively*? It’s hard to do it in the first place but when I make eye contact, it’s apparently weird. I don’t have a lazy eye or anything but people act like they don’t know I’m looking at them. WTH? Even when I try, I still end up feeling stupid.
a Chick-fil-A training video taught me to look just until I notice their eye color and then it's safe to look away (I think it's about 2-3 seconds). They also taught me HOW to smile and how to greet guests properly and other social skills that most other jobs just assume you know. I am so thankful one of my first jobs was Chick-fil-A just because of the training they gave me. It has seriously helped a lot with obtaining other employment. People now don't react as if I am weird, so it has also helped me integrate better. *edit*----- I tend to greet a customer with eye contact and a greeting and then I am safe to look away and focus on my actual work like ringing them up or assisting them with their questions, I will then make eye contact again when saying goodbye. So that's only two eye contacts per customer, and often times they wont be looking at me for the second eye contact so it ends up being one eye contact per customer anyway. If I am in an interview or something more one on one then I tend to look up at the eyes roughly every "paragraph" in the convo. I hope that helps!
That thinking time thing kills me in job interviews. They ask me to provide an example of a time when I x, and there we sit for several minutes while I try desperately to think of an answer without looking like I've shut down or didn't understand the question 😓I hate it so much
My husband & I are Autistic, both adult kids Audhd. After quaretine was over my husband, the only one in his work team in our city, was able to skip going back to the office. Older kid has a full-time job in parts production, & gets to wear earplugs during his shift. I am working on a work from home thing, as is our younger kid. When I was younger (before kids) I worked at many retail jobs, & a few office gigs. Burned out on every one of them, most after 6 months to a year. Never again!! We had the plumber here all morning, and I had a crying jag after they left just to release the tension my whole body was holding. People-ing is hard!!
I am reminded constantly that autism looks very different individually. One person may have it harder interacting with people than others, but the comment that got me was the one on sleep. Last night I maybe got four hours of sleep in two or three segments, and I could not stop sweating, and that's even when I turn the fan on. My brain struggles to shut down and quite often, I have to have a physical enough day at work, (I'm in a warehouse setting), in order to have a quality night's sleep.
Whenever I plan to do something new or meet someone new the next day, chances are that I hardly sleep because of anxiety. This is not necessarily negative, very often I enjoy doing something new or meeting someone new. But if this happens a number of days in a row, I will get exhausted from a lack of sleep. Last year, I was assessed for work ability. Two weeks of tests and small tasks and interviews. Nothing difficult at all. But it was every day something different with a different specialist. And throughout this time I was constantly extremely worried about potential consequences of the outcome of the assessment. Already at day 3, I was exhausted from anxiety + lack of sleep and consequently my work ability was greatly underestimated.
Amen, Brother! Indeed. How are we supposed to know the rules? If you go to a different country and still behaves like someone from your home country you may offend someone in the new country. But chances are they will be patient with you and give you a chance to process. This is no different. Relax and give everyone a chance.
Sushi is my favorite food so I had to think about me at a steakhouse (I’m not into American food and I’m a vegetarian so I’d be really uncomfortable there) and once I pictured it that way… this all made sense for me.
On a tangent: places that serve "brunch" should be slapped with false advertising if their website only has photos of empty tables or a mere handful of deliriously delighted people sharing a casual meal. Prepare your guests for the reality of dining in your establishment, please! Being invited to a holiday season office team lunch; researching (of course) the location before accepting the meeting request; and then turning up to a HOT HOUSE CRAMMED WITH A BILLION CHATTERING I.T. STAFF FLINGING FOOD AT THEIR FACES I CAN'T HEAR THE COWORKER NEXT TO ME EVEN THOUGH THEY'RE YELLING AT MY FACE CAN I PLEASE LEAVE I SHOULDN'T HAVE ORDERED ANYTHING TRY TO SMILE & LOOK GRATEFUL FOR THE MEAL WHILE I'M SHATTERING. >.O I was burnt out for nearly a month after that two hour "happy holidays" brunch. Ho ho omg never again.
Exactly me! It used to be really horrible 10 years ago. Now I have a supervisor who understands and nobody is offended when I skip team meals at restaurants like that.
As an autistic who is now 52, I find additional stress in new things like having to learn AI (which I find scary, by the way) and even new things in new cars… I don’t leave my house much anymore. I’m already too old and tired in middle age. No wonder our life expectancy is shorter. Don’t even get me started on the fact they EVERY f***ing business now plays loud music for a nightclub vibe. Even a supermarket. Gah!!!!
One of the biggest things I struggle with since my diagnosis is the thought that other people's brains aren't constantly full of sound and thoughts and noise and more thoughts and why is everything so loud...?! What do you mean that you don't hear the fluorescent lights? Or the air in the ducts? Or the screaming of the intercom in this shop? And why are there no soft furnishings in this Cafe, doesn't the sound bouncing off every object hammer into your brain? I understand that it's easier to clean the floor and furniture, but why is the ceiling naked?!
Doctor's waiting rooms are nightmares of noise, echoes, multiple concurrent conversations (phone and otherwise), and bad seating, and saing "I'm sorry, what?"over and over to the receptionist behind her plastic protective screen, and people (despite signs) not turning off their mobiles and still taking calls inside for more nouse and disruption until I could scream and 😱 because my brain is 🤯.
My schedule was changed to 2PM to Midnight, 4 days a week. This shift is SOOO much better. Less commuting, more rest. The extra two hours a day can be used for online training or on-the-job emergencies without any reduction in pay.
Totally agreed with everything you said here. You nailed it! And your suggestions for how to help or support us were practical, doable, and would be immensely helpful. Thank you. PS. Insomnia plus being an early riser has been an exhausting bane of my existence, lol. Late arvo and early evening are my dead times. [Edited for clarity.]
Working from home has been a godsend. I don't think I could work full-time in an office again unless it was my business and I was usually the only one there!
The last job I had with office days would sometimes have me there alone. It was awesome because I could leave the fluorescent lights off and just use the natural light. I still prefer working from home though
I'm a manager now... I'm a lot more on edge at work. Now I'm the person to go to with questions that need answered. I can get pretty overwhelmed and/or exhausted by the end of the work day.
One thing that is important that was not mentioned is that autistic individuals should focus on being themselves because for me as an autistic individual it would be hard to please everyone according to what they think is socially normal. And for neurodivergent individuals be yourself but be open and educate yourself to know how neurotypical people interact and for those who are neurotypical be yourself but be open and educate yourself on how neurodivergent people interact so you can better understand them.
I've worked my entire life to not wake up in the morning. I tried for a few years, but it didn't work out. I work at a call center now (Yeah, I know, phones). The scripts tell me what to say so it's actually pretty easy and let me tell you, having someone willing to work from 10 or 11 or 12 until 8 hours later is a blessing for most call centers. It's a hard shift to get people to stay, and I hate change, so as soon as I learned this job, I'm good. Oh, and since 2020 it's been work from home, so BONUS!
I learned a lot about eating ramen and sushi from my obsession with animation and anime and manga. I was more prepared to act the character inside the restaurant and just tried my best to be as still and quiet as possible and excited for that bento box with sushi as a kid. It still was stimulating cause I got so excited and nervous enough that I felt sick after a little bit. But I was still so excited to reenact from animations. I was 9 at the time. Fell in love with sushi. Will never like certain squishy fish but will always love Eel. But at this moment I get a bit sad knowing how adorable Eel look. I always thank the Eel and fish for becoming my dinner. For me the loud clattering of noises in restaurants of silverware on ceramic plates or glasses jolts me and makes me nervous. So the cleanup after someone leaves a table always gets me super on edge because of the very loud noise in restaurants of the person throwing the dishes into the tub. I always have to stop eating it’s that stressful from the loud noise. Or if there is a loud baby or kid or bad smells. I can’t eat at all but will force myself and then feel sick after it and then get anxiety after it and be more sick and sad. My partner complains to me on that a lot that I can’t just be happy to be in a nice place to eat and there have been times when I’m able to act appropriately and play the part so I don’t make him upset at me when we are out somewhere but a lot of times I can’t do it. It’s exhausting and I get nervous being with him because he argues with me in public which makes me so uncomfortable. I want to die in public sometimes because he’s telling something really embarrassing I do or arguing about something and he doesn’t understand why I’m so quiet and scared to answer back to him when he’s mad about something I did or said. My parents are worse about this but now that my partner is starting to do this too.. especially when he throws me off with thinking by saying I’m not ever listening to him. I cry because I can’t manage to think of what he just said after he accuses me of not listening I’m so lost in my thoughts I do forget what we were talking about as I’m trying to figure out what to say back so he doesn’t feel that way and get angry. I’m not sure what to do when my thoughts get lost like that. And crying at all makes him very upset at me that I’m way too sensitive about anything and everything said to me. Also me just getting up at 7 pm and feeling defeated I wake up and sleep at bad times and wish I could just get my body to sleep at night but it never feels tired at night. Oh and replying back. I always think it’s a super power when people have the thought process to reply back in an instant. Like super witty replies to me just seem amazing to be able to do back to someone bullying me. I can’t do it so I stay quiet and let the bullying happen since I’m unable to think with constant borage of questioning in an instant. When I do it based on something I really know though then it’s an issue for them because they weren’t expecting me to actually give a reply back quickly and it makes them mad. My elder sibling is one of those people who tells me I’m always stupid and don’t know anything I’m talking about because of my mind. It’s hard to live with that constantly knowing im gonna be told it again even if I know something I don’t know anything and just have to live that way with them. And it’s shaped a lot of my conversations with people since im so uncomfortable and not confident in myself. My partner is better when im talking about something new but still interrupts me a lot and tells me if what im saying is true or if im just being gullible online again. It hurts a lot but I’ve just come to accept that nothing I read or do online is true. It’s not a bad way to go about it but then I listen to them talk while im quiet and research their information and find out how much they get wrong about diet pills and anti aging creams that actually damage the skins protective layer. It’s exhausting to talk to anyone in my family who fully dismisses everything I talk about. Or tells me I repeatedly say something when I’ve only said it twice.
I work about 36 hours a week, and after each week, I just feel drained. 😅 I do like my job and my colleagues, but it's really frustrating to be depleted afterwards.
Im on the autism spectrum and going to a Japanese restaurant for sushi is my heaven! Im not flying to japan for sushi, but i also know a few basic Japanese words. The sleep part is on point for me and my psychologist doesn’t understand it!
survival skills for these very issues for me: When eating out I decide what I want and know the questions they will ask well before hand so that i can give them all the information BEFORE they ask the question. I have a go to for every type of restaurant and always order that same dish, so Mexican: Chori-pollo with quacamole, Chinese: Orange Chicken with fried rice, etc. That way i have all the pre-requisites before even going in. Also I always order a water and soda or tea. When ordering, i always use doordash or similar, never call in. For everyday questions: I use the phrases, "Can I get back to you on that?" or "give me a few moments to think" automatically after a question is asked. This gives them an indication that i have to process it, and gives me the extra time I need.
Many restaurants, coffee shops, etc have their menus available online nowadays (minus daily specials). So you can check it out ahead of time, plan your choices - and always, always have a backup selection ready for if they run out of something. It can make an immense difference - especially if you have auditory processing disorder, as I do. Not uncommon in autists. If you have ADHD, or poor memory, jot it down on your phone, or a piece of paper that goes with you as an aide-mémoire. 🙂
Chris, have you looked into the number of people with Autism who are left-handed? I had a fascinating conversation with someone yesterday who said, "I always suspected you were neurodivergent, but seeing that you are a lefty helps support that. So many Autistic people I know are disproportionately left-handed." Obviously, not all Autistic people are left-handed, but I think I was reading that it was far more than the general population. I want to say 30% of Autistic people are lefties as opposed to less than 10% of the general public? I'm not sure of the exact numbers. But as a left-handed person, I have often used that as a way to explain to people what being Autistic is like in a nuerotypical world. You hand a pair of ordinary scissors to a right-handed person, and it's no big deal. But give those same scissors to a lefty and it gets complicated.🤣 Some of us have learned to adapt to use those scissors, some of us can't and need left-handed scissors instead. Some of us have learned to live in a right-handed world, and we hate it. I have a left-handed keyboard and it annoys and confuses people when they sit at my desk. 🤣🤣 Yeah, well... welcome to my world. You are annoyed for a few minutes, this is my daily reality... as a lefty and as an Autistic adult. I think it's even more of a "mixed-handed" things as opposed to strictly left-handed, too. I know that I consider myself to be mixed-handed, because I've had to adapt to it, though given a preference, I will always choose to use my left hand. But for many things, I am am probably considered ambidextrous or mixed. I can use right-handed scissors just fine. I hate them and it feels weird, but I will use them. But if I'm given the choice, it's lefty scissors all days long. There are just so many parallels to Autism.
Oh the questions and prompts I give myself for eye contact 😅 I have burnt out on 40 hour work weeks or full time school and part time work so many times. I currently don’t have to work but still feel guilty that I can’t do a 40 hour work week.
For restaurants, if I haven't pre-scouted the menu before leaving my house(not likely now that I know myself) and it's not something i have a preexisting strong preference for(RARE) I say something like "surprise me," or "whatever you have the most of," but this doesn't work for many waitstaff. It does, however, buy me time. What really throws me is when they're out of the thing I wanted. Or - this was nuts - this weekend my favorite sushi restaurant didn't have a sushi chef on Saturday?! That one threw me for hours, thankfully I was only doing takeout and not sitting there in the restaurant. It's literally still bothering me. How do you have a sushi restaurant, open for business, and not have the chef needed to make the thing you are serving? WTF?
I was at a boba place that didn't have their boba tea maker person. This only happens when they only have one on staff. I can understand it if there are huge budget constraints, or they can't find a second chef which can happen (or they don't have enough time to train a newbie). Restaurants are always balancing finding staff and the budget and lots of other little things. The owners are often stressed and don't get enough sleep. I just forgive them at this point lol. They could have done better, but if I were in their place I'm not sure I would have done better either, so I forgive.
Still waiting for an appointment for 'official' diagnosis... 62 and obviously neuro divergent. Probably AuDHD from my own research. Which brings me to my question. Is there a test for NORMAL? Every DSM5 based test I take is just more confusing since I can answer each question at least two different ways, and after over half a century of masking I have multiple life experiences to reference for each answer. Yet I have NO IDEA what is considered NORMAL when choosing. Oh, and as a MENSA life member I am really good at multiple guess questions. So, can we get a DEFINITION of NORMAL?
Nope. It changes between cultures and subcultures anyway. Eye contact? Normal for Australia, but not everywhere. In some places it's a no-no except if you're socially superior to your interlocutor. Use of the imperative and direct, blunt speech rude for anglophones, but actually perfectly polite in some cultures. Eccentricity is undesirable in young adults but permissible in senior citizens (I love this one). An outline of 'normality' might help us to study it and fit in better, but it'd probably be used against people to ostracise and 'other' even more people. I don't really believe in 'normal', as it is often used to mean (of a person) physically and mentally healthy; or even, just like everyone else. After all, 'everone' isn't one particular way. I only believe in on average, in general, or typically, and currently, in this particular culture. The assignment of values such as weird or unnatural or wrong or BAD to something that is simply a less common thing, even when it's not dangerous, damaging, or deleterious in any way, where the less common thing isn't intrinsically inferior, just different is utterly baffling and nonsensical to me. Common behaviours aren't always the most logical, thoughtful, ethical, kind, or worthy of regard. But somehow, they're right and we're wrong because there are more of them, so they're 'normal', and we're not, so "nyah, nyah, nyah you freak". So, yeah, I'm atypical, but I'm normal too. I'm as mentally healthy as the next person. I'm capable of logic, rationality, generosity, kindness, and thinking for myself. I harm none, so far as that is possible. I'm not insane, a criminal, a burden on others. I support my friends and family and people. I contribute to society as and when possible. I learn new things regularly. I'm not an inferior or 'unnatural' human variant. But the Norms of the world do like to put us down, to denigrate and make us feel smaller and less than. Sorry. *Steps off soapbox.* It's late and I'm rambling now, g'night my peeps. 🙋♀️😴
Unfortunately, the tests for autism and camouflaging are also poorly designed. No possibility for "it depends" or "sometimes, sometimes not," sometimes not even for feeling neutral about what's being asked.
The sleeping schedule + the excessive amount of mental workout one needs to do to be able to get on through the day, in this world...Is unbearable, really not worth it. It's like being starved, sleep deprived and "kindly" asked, often at the wrong end of a proverbial gun, to build the goddamn fking pyramids. I didn't sleep for the last 3 days due to anxiety and university. Life is horrible.
It’s honestly just sad that the normies have to be taught how to be kind. I mean, I get that you don’t know what you don’t know, and that it simply just doesn’t occur to them because of how “out of their wheel house” we can be. But then I think about how much simpler most things are for normal brains, and yet WE have to be the ones educating them on all of this. The world in general just has a lot of catching up to do.
As an autistic, the only reason I was able to work, move, transition, and discover my own Audhder identity during the past few years is because I work fully remote. I genuinely do not think most folks comprehend how much energy working 40+ hr (travel) weeks. Like I did it for the first 15 years of my working life and it DID break me (several times)
I struggle with eye contact, one of the ladies that did my assessment told me that i was not as good pretending to make eye contact as i thought. Weirdly, in a romantic setting eye contact is a very important to me (I love nice eyes). I like offices, but i have come to the realisation that it is because when I work from home i get very lonely as I have no social life and it gets me down. The social interaction in a workplace was what kept me going over the years.
It's possible that everyone but me already realized this. But a friend of mine was describing the comfort of not having to mask the other day, and later I was thinking about it and realized that masking is a fear response. We keep being told that we shouldn't have to mask, but what would the main stream assumedly neurotypical people think of themselves if they understood that neurodivergent people hide who they are because we're afraid of them. Would they care? Would they realize that their insistence on everyone acting the way they say is causing is fear and harm, and that changes in societal expectations could change autism(for some people) from being a disability to a variation?
I wasn't afraid of them. I was terminally confused, bewildered, and hurt by their ambiguity, insincerity, and unkindness. I was damn angry at their two-faced behaviour and constant moving of the barriers and goalposts.
@carolinejames7257 it's not necessarily a conscious fear, but it is a fear response. That's what anxiety is, it's fear. And as autistic people, most of us started not meeting the behavior expectations of the people around us before we can even remember, and in small children, it's easy to cause fear.
Working theory; Allistic bias is towards social pecking order which add folks tend to not observe or see the logic of. I have gotten reprimanded for saying things I did not have the social status to be the one to say/ often everyone is complaining covertly about something and I share theyr complaint- then why wouldn’t I just put that in the table so a solution that works for all can be worked out and agreed on. It’s a calculation I ignore at my own consequence - then again as a mask the holding of myself as having the right/reaponsibility/ social position of one who is granted that authority by the group to speak out can work out from just sheer boldness. Why I love yakking with the asd community - that is just not where anyone is focusing… just sharing info and stories and thoughts and helping each other. ❤️
Life gives me PTSD! Workplaces are nightmares. Low stress life requires 9 hours of sleep, but any work requires 12 hours. No time for me!!! Now time for a nap on my sofa after just watching these and hearing others' struggles!! The world doesn't seem designed for me. Everyone is driving past me at 100 mph.
At last, someone gets me! I have ADHD and autism, and I've been waiting all my 54 years for someone who understands. ( 😭happy tears.) It's such a relief!
Office days SUCK. People in my office genuinely don’t understand what I have to go through to survive those 8 hrs 😖
Amen!!! I have to go in Tuesday and I'm already stressed.
I understand. I work in an elementary school. Noise and people ALL DAY!
Beatifulfulllifegesag:
i also work at a school. If i may ask, do they know you're autistic? Thinking of coming out, but worried they may find excuse to get rid of me. While I know of workplace discrimination laws, they can find some other excuse.
Being a teacher on the spectrum, I feel your struggle. I wish you all the strenght 💪
Feeling this currently in burnout, work in office Mon-Friday from 8-1730 and they hate having windows open, cannot use noise cancel headphones due to needing to do calls and been told I cannot work from home.
One thing Ive learned, clearly and gently showing needs and boundaries is a necessity. "Hhmm let me think", "I hear you, one sec..", "I gotta step out for a minute". Clearing myself of shame and throwing out a quick script just make everything so much easier. Its also luck that I live and work in a place that is full of amazing people who have patience and understanding.
Soooo nice to be taught boundaries via the technique of "somebody's already mad at me for not realizing that the boundary exists." That's been a lifelong obstacle for me.
Also, another benefit to staying up late is that most of the social encounters have gone to bed! This was even a survival tactic when I was the full-time caregiver for my grandma in her last few years -- if I hadn't been able to stay up for some quiet, non-tense time after she'd gone to bed, I don't think I would have survived.
I’ve also really struggled with boundaries and social norms/expectations. I don’t feel comfortable asking directly in some environments (like work) but especially with friends, I ask them to please tell me if something is annoying to them or if I say or do something wrong. Sometimes I ask for reassurance too when I get anxious. But if someone doesn’t tell me the rules, or alert me when I’ve broken them, I can’t do anything to fix the problem or address the issue in the future. I always explain that I’m doing my best, and if there’s something I’ve missed, I’m excited to learn how to do it better and I’m appreciative of the new information. Some people may still not understand that indirect communication is unlikely to help, and may actually just make the situation worse. But there are a lot of people out there who are willing to explain, to communicate directly what they need or want from me, and who offer support instead of judgement when I’m trying to learn.
I am an adult and obviously want to be treated like one, but I think it’d be awesome if we, as a society, started to think about helping others the way we would any child who is doing something for the first time. If you wouldn’t yell at a child for not knowing something because they’re experiencing it in the world for the first time, why would you yell at an adult who is? We don’t magically have all the information about the world when we turn 18. Learning is a lifelong process and helping others without shaming them when there’s a knowledge or skill gap needs to be the norm for how we treat everyone, not just children.
@@rachels.8051Abso-freaking-lutely!
I love that you made a music free version (although I found this one first). I really struggle with processing auditory language especially with background music even with subtitles. Thanks for a nice easy succinct list and simple solutions that can be helpful for a variety of people regardless of their neurotype
I explained it like this to my partner: when you re-ask a question before I process and respond you’ve etch-a-sketched my brain and I have to start all over again. My daughter is the same and had a great kindergarten teacher. When the teacher would overhear other teachers ask her a question she would step in and say “wait for it…”
I love that teacher!
I LOVE that description
To get a little bit of thinking time, I would say something like, "...ooh tough question, I like them all..". Autistic sleep problems mixed with ADHD wanting to keep watching/playing/doing the thing is terrible. I am lucky where I work, quite often I can be busy enough to not talk to any one, so I can stim, usually by talking to myself in funny accents (the mouth-feel & sound of funny accents is very comforting).
Even just saying words like how I would pronounce them in the rules of another language is amazing! Using Japanese pronunciation rules on English words is a lot of fun. Try that sometime! :)
@@NelielSugiura That sounds fun!
I burned out from a ten hour work week. The actual work was great, but having to socially interact for hours did me in. I had to quit after two years. Between chronic illnesses and autism, I don’t often get out of survival mode.
I'm in the chronic illness and autism boat with you, and it's not an easy ride. Honestly, just being in survival mode all the time is exhausting, when there are things I'd much rather be doing than simply surviving. I'm not sure how to get unstuck from this place right now, either. Money would help immensely, but how do you acquire it when you live in a capitalist society and can't work a regular job, let alone one that would actually pay for the treatment and supports that you need?
@@thing_under_the_stairs I hear ya, both y'all. And likewise do not know how to solve the situation other than spontaneously generate a different set of genes, and different immune system, and different endocrine system, and different neurological system, and different musculoskeletal system.
I feel you. I work overnights in a warehouse now in near complete isolation. My 48 hours per week here is LESS exhausting than my 12 hour weeks were as a barista. I LOVED making coffees! But even just 3-4 hours per day masking around coworkers and customers was EXHAUSTING.
I finally got a four day work week and it's frustrating to find out that's too much in my position. I'm already experiencing burnout and I have an 18 month contract 😢
I feel ya!! It's such a heavy world when you have these types issues.
Processing is a bit of a nightmare for me. I have pretended to have hearing damage for decades to buy some grace when I ask others to repeat themselves. It really does not take too much. Just say my name and give a slight pause before launching into your explanation, story, or question. Saying my name alerts me that there is something for me to pay attention to. A slight pause will give me time to rearrange my awareness toward whatever one has to say. But many NTs just launch and expect me to ride their wave. I can hear just fine, but I can't hear them most of the time.
I have the Thame issue but coupled with actual bad hearing. So even if you say my name first or I am aware that you are speaking to me, if you face the other way I’ll have a hard time. It really is annoying. I usually stop asking for clarification after the second time. That doesn’t mean I understood. It just means I have up.
Well, it's the ASD people who forget to say your name. Not nts
I like to say- I can’t hear quite that fast- can you go again a bit slower?
Love this video. No repetition, straight to the point with no unnecessary waffling. And yes, absolutely spot on with all the points you made ❤
i can't thank you enough for your videos. you are helping me so much. 50 years old, just diagnosed last year. i almost didnt make it. its because of youtubers like you who led me to get help, and the autism diagnosis 'gave me persmission' to change my life and create one that im capable of.
@ChrisandDebby1 im not stupid. i know you're not the youtuber who made this video. the fact that you're preying on a mentally ill person proves you're trash. stop being such a bottom feeder. every human has talents, stop wasting your life scamming and start doing what you were born to do. maybe no one has ever recognized your talents, but i promise you, you have one, you can change and be a good person anytime you want. you'll make far more money doing it with your talents, than you will scamming mentally ill people. side note: most mentally ill people dont have much money cuz we've spent it all on therapy, medication and unemployment during extended times of sickness. i guarantee you, you are good at something. believe in yourself :)
How did you go about getting diagnosed? I’m in my 50’s also seeking
@@tinycroft1184 i googled ASD diagnosis in my state then started calling and asking if they had capacity. long waiting lists. then the series of testing takes several months. it was worth every penny to me. I highly suggest doing it if you can afford it. I couldn't afford it and its not covered by insurance in my state, but I put it on a credit card and I do not regret it. if you're female, make sure you go to a doctor who is experienced with autism manifestation in females. some doctors are still extremely ignorant about female autism.
As an autistic software developer, I've been able to work from home for most of 25 years. I can't even imagine having to spend all of that time in an office.
1. processing time: jeez, these people who think that bombarding you with further questions helps if you don't have an answer ready within 2 seconds. that only leads to you throwing prefab answers back at them, very helpful.
2. it's not only uncomfortable and not very useful to look people in the eyes when i'm listening to them, that is using my hearing. as i don't become more clairvoyant from looking at them, i easily feel spied upon, xrayed, if they insist that i open my eyes to them. do they see anything in me i can't see in them?
3. morning people, aaah. those who subject you to a barrage of additional questions before you even know on what planet you woke up.
4. people who designed most work environments need to be seated right in front of a floodlight with music blaring, so they can experience what their places for productivity" are like.
that's why i avoid the cafeteria, i've barely taken a seat and put my earpods to watch something good like your video when someone comes to my table and starts a conversation about mundane stuff... so i can't use my break to disconnect and regenerate a bit.
5. working from home, the best thing we got from the virus.
6. exactly this, it's hard to get a grip on their norms when they change these on the fly, but judge those who can't find a pattern in their mess.
I got an 8 week internship at NASA over the summer. The weekly meetings with this person or that person. Sitting through other people’s projects that have nothing to do with mine, so my mind goes a mile a minute down their track and I can’t get back to mine.
The constant socialization requirements. A pizza social, two BBQ’s in the same week, another group meeting with even more people. The only time I could work was in my dorm room at night. There was no AC, so no humming noise to sleep by and it didn’t cool off until 4am.
I was taking Adderall everyday and I was still dragging my feet. My energy was stretched thin and I didn’t know what was “the most important thing” because all of it was considered important from one person or another.
To say the least, it ended badly. And it’s usually a given when it’s a female that’s the boss. Guys tend to give more leeway to my oddities.
Eye contact for me is deeeeeply intimate. Not like sexually but like I just stare at the soul and the rest of the person is stripped away. And like I don't want to do that without being invited. Cause that's rude.
Indeed. But what's worse is their demand you bare your soul to them, because eye contact is two-way.
I find live theatre difficult because the actors are trained to stare out at audience members, and the apparent eye gazing freaks me out. Worse still, movies or tv where actors stare intently at the camera creeps me the feck out. I know, of course, that they can't see me let alone make eye contact - but still, it feels deeply unsettling and intrusive to me. Even with close friends and family, although eye contact is possible, it's intermittent and very fleeting.
Soul gazing is far too intimate. 😱
I FINALLY got old enough for Social Security. Thank GOD !! At age 62, I can just LIVE !! Just be me, all day long. I do what I want, when I want 24/7 !! It’s great !!
Thank you
I cannot tell you the number of THERAPISTS who told me that I am lazy. (I am self diagnosed with autism/diagnosed with dissociative identity disorder). I have been told by professionals I need to focus, not be selfish, and even to stop feeling sorry for myself 🤔whatever that means.
Then there is family and friends, completely unsupportive and to whom I was basically a slave. Eventually I burned out completely and I am not sure I will recover.
I am so glad I found your videos. You present very well and clearly. As of late, you have become my go to for autism related information.
It was social media who told me repeatedly that I am autistic and a woman sent me links to assessments. There is no doubt that I am autistic. I waited to age 57 for a DID diagnosis and I doubt I will ever get an Autism diagnosis. I feel like I got the short sale on this life. It started downhill and keeps going. I understand why suicide is so high for elderly autistic. I am well done.
Oh wow, those therapists sound absolutely terrible. Laziness is not about not being able to get things done or feeling exhausted / overwhelmed. Laziness is about being capable of doing something, having the energy for it, but just making a conscious choice of not doing that. What could be a good example of laziness... Ooh, I know, a therapist who just attributes client's struggles to laziness instead of trying to dig deeper and doing self-education on the topic in general.
The irony is that those therapists are actually the lazy ones because they just blame you and attack your character instead of actually listening to you and doing their job.
Please please please hang in there. I have DID too (as well as complex PTSD, and depression/anxiety, and autism) and went through a string of bad therapists. My mother and stepfather treated me like a slave. My mother's mantra for me was that I was "inconsiderate, irresponsible, and selfish." Also was told by her way too many times to stop feeling sorry for myself, and to stop being so sensitive. You can self-diagnose at Embrace Autism website. Maybe seek out a trauma specialist therapist? I'm 74, and it takes time to reclaim yourself, but it is possible to learn to live with multiple diagnoses...
The annoying (and hurtful) thing i find is that sometimes, the people with the most "book knowledge" on autism, have either no idea on how to implement their knowledge, or just don't care enough to
Absolutely true in my experience of the past several decades.
@@silverymoon5516 liking for the relatability, not because I like the situation x
Hey Chris. Love your videos. As an autistic man in his early fifties who was diagnosed last year, the less I want to mask and the less I give a crap. And I can honestly say that I'm pretty much over the imposter syndrome stage. The more I look at neurotypicals following these rules, whether it's in the workplace, at an event, or even outdoors, the more ridiculous I think it is. Insert eye roll emoji here. 🙄 My brain goes, "Nah. I've ABAed myself long enough. Screw that."
Yes, yes and yes. I'm older and not knowing I was autistic I had 15 varied jobs/careers before I found my current self-employed career as a massage therapist. I work from home and clients come to me. I control the environment. I work one on one in focused sessions. Dim light. Soft music. Touch that is helpful for both of us...with conversation requiring no eye contact. Perfect.
NOW I know WHY this job works for me.
...
I recently had a computer issue and just understanding the different accent of the guy who was on the phone was difficult. He apparently thought I was an idiot because of the slight pause in my answers...so he talked down to me and was impatient. The second guy was much nicer. I was confused, the whole thing was sudden, and expensive. It was unexpected and I was tired.
I had a very difficult time with this process, and had a meltdown afterwards...which dog cuddles helped with. I knew it was a release of the built up stress, and now that I understand my audhd mind, I was able to simply let it happen and knew what was going on. I knew it was emotional release. I got through it because I knew it was my audhd brain reacting. I knew WHY.
The world doesn't support us. Learning my body's needs so when I meltdown, I know it's just my autism being overwhelmed is a huge help. Knowing that I needed to be extra nice to myself after that, and not angry at myself for crying, was a gift your videos have given me.
I feel so grateful for you, and those who post for our community. Thank you. You have helped me.
Any changes the world makes to help autistics would help everyone...honestly.
Absolutely! I couldn't agree more. And I'm so glad you've found grace for yourself when your brain and body go WAAH! It's life-changing stuff.
Good point with the need for wait time in conversations. Also, the scheduling issues is important. I’m not diagnosed with Autism, but a lot of your videos speak to me. I’ve wondered for years if I might be on the spectrum.
Hello Chris, I’m so thankfull to find your channel. You are not just funny, you also explains everything so easily and in a way that for the first time I have the feeling that finally someone got inside my mind and now gets me for good! I’m 39 years old and I just had being diagnosed as autistic, after a very long process of wrong diagnostics and treatments that made me feel worse (they thought I was borderline and bipolar). Now that I know that I’m autistic everything makes sense and I don’t feel weirdo or crazy anymore. A new world opened to my eyes and now I’m studying as much as I can to learn how to be me. After so long I struggle to unmask and to know when to say no or to stop, but I need to because I came from a severe burnout. But there is so much that I still don’t know how to do, like be more flexible in my routine or with my thoughts, how to deal with emotions, how to survive in a not that gentle world when you are so emotional sensitive, how to not feel so drain by people, how to have the courage to quit my job and find a remote one, how to not me ashame or feel less, dumb or deal with my errors, etc. But I know that this is a growing process of selfawakness and take times, and I gave the firsts steps. And now I can count with your support too so I can continue finding more about me and pealing of my onion layers until I feel ready to show myself to the world. Thank you again!
Hang in there!
I had a server machine gun the same question at me over and over because he asked me to pick one of two choices, but I actually wanted a substitution (that was on the menu, I wasn't being all crazy) and so instead of picking one of the choices offered, I kept saying "no." Like god, my dude, just pause for one second so I can remember the critical word I need to say in order to get this order across to you! We didn't get it sorted until I shouted "STOP!" and he shut up for 2 seconds.
I teard up when watching this. The demand of those 40 hrs workweeks is killing my adhd-soul. I really can't cope with it!! And NO I AM NOT LAZY GOD DAMMIT!!!!!! 😭😭😭
And the lack of understanding autistics in society is still a huge problem for us all 😔
Thank you for this channel and the education you are giving the world about us autistic spectrum people ❤❤❤❤
I found that the 5 days a week at work is a soul killer. 4 days a week with 10 hours work days is still exhausting but that extra day of rest is really worth it.
@@robertsteinbach7325 my problem is long workingdays, so I can just about cope with working 6 hrs per day. And that doesn't pay the bills. So I guess I'm stuck with this horrible exhaution until I retire 😭😭😭😭😭
Chris- Totally unrelated but I was distracted by how awesome the texture of your hoodie must be! 😍
as a person with ASD myself, I have found that office jobs are not for me with all the social dynamics that come into play. I do better with a hands on job. I'm an electronics technician, and enjoy my job. It is very gratifying. I feel that trade type jobs are much better for those on the autism spectrum. It feels great to accomplish a tangeable task like building or fixing something
About to hit the start of the working week and already just want to yell at the world before stepping through the door. Feels like I'm stuck in overwhelm teetering on burnout.
With regard to processing time, it made me think of an argument that I had with a former girlfriend… I can’t even remember what it was about, but I remember trying to formulate a response to a question, and she was being impatient with me about it, to the point of her exclaiming “Say something!”. The only thing I could think of to say was “Somethin’!”, like Curly from the Three Stooges… she then said that she didn’t know if she should laugh or punch me.
Fully agree. With the sleep issues, I've got a different issue: my brain gets active in early morning hours and I tend to wake up between 4-5am and there is just no way for me to go back to sleep at this point. I will just end up thinking and worrying about all the things I need to do or what will happen if I actually do fall asleep again and then wake up late and my morning routine is disrupted and I don't manage to do all the things I need. So for me starting early is not an issue but what people may struggle to understand is that because of this, it is part of my routine to a) start getting ready for bed around 9pm and b) go to sleep at 10pm. If I don't, I will still wake up at 5 and be exhausted the next day and then I'll be very prone to sensory overload and meltdown. So going out and staying after 10 is an absolute nightmare for me not just because of the socialising /high noise (which is already a lot and takes time to recover from) but then worrying about my routine being disrupted and being exhausted the next day and the domino effect from that. But how do you explain this to a neurotypical? 😔 Thanks for the great videos, I hope some non-autistics watch this and take it on board!
Thank you guys! Really appreciate your videos... they are both great for validation... but also for sharing with loved ones who're looking for a little more insight. Also, you should really advertise that if some of us are too busy, or maybe are like me and have dyslexia... there are typically audio-books for these books you're suggesting. My wife just listened to "The Autistic Survival Guide to Therapy" by Steph Jones in audio-book form while she was on her daily commute. She loved it.
I’m an elementary school teacher in the primary grades. Sadly, many of these really helpful accommodations aren’t feasible for me. It’s loud and overwhelming all day long. I’m only going to work 4 more years, which will conclude a 30 year career, the last two of which I was aware I was autistic. I am so very tired. On the weekends, all I want to do is be in my bed with RUclips and my subscribers, or on a bench in the park looking at the birds. I’m looking forward to 2030 when I will finally be free from the 9-5 (or 7-4 in my case!)
Oh my, I am a middle school teacher, this year diagnosed with autism. It is absolutely impossible to do home office or find a quiet spot and when I come home I feel exhausted. At very hard days I come home, close the door and cry. There is not enough energy left for my beloved hobbies. I really hope it gets better for you. Me, I have to do the job for about 20 years more and am not sure if I can do that.
@@birgittnlilli9726I feel your pain. My AuDHD best friend did teacher training for high school here in Oz. She didn't last long in that career. She was an awesome teacher, I think, but the crowds, noise, stress, aggressive/disruptive students, students who hated school and teachers just about broke her to pieces.
I've read of some teachers managing by private tutoring, by working in schools with small classes, by online teaching or distance ed, and so on, but it's otherwise, I think.
Weirdly, I enjoyed the little teaching, marking papers etc that I did - university undergrad level - but it wasn't a fulltime career. Casual employment while working on my Honours degree, then my PHD. For as long as that lasted, lol.
@@birgittnlilli9726 I hear you and I understand. I cry a lot to and find comfort in my bed. My family (partner and 19 year old daughter …son is off in university) are not sure what to do with me. I literally can’t do much when I come home. I don’t cook dinner anymore, I barely straighten up the home, and I never want to talk about my day. Before realizing my autism, I masked so hard that I did all the things. I believe I’m in burnout and hope that if I nurture myself a bit, and allow this all to come to the surface, that I’ll find my way back to me…just a different version of me. Regarding you, explore other options around your other talents. Can you write e-books, create an online course, or transition to an out of classroom position? I’ve always dreamed of working in a little bookstore or a library. I might look into that after retirement. I’m holding space for you. 💕
If you haven’t look into loop earplugs or mucisians earplugs which have diffrent decibel counts also fotocromatic glases ( there are diffrent colors and you can try the diffrent colors to feel what feels most comfortable) for me personally reducing both noice and light has had a massive effect on reducing the impact on other stimuli as well. No one can really tell that you are using them as that type of aid and it just feels like the volume on life is turned down. A medication supposedly for anxiety depression but which researchers have found can be really helpful for neurospicy people are buspiron actavis but in much lower dosages 2,5 -5 mg morning and afternoon also gives more quiet plus focus.
@@birgittnlilli9726 Hi look further down in the thread to check out physical tips non noticeable
I really resonate with the restaurant thing. My family have made fun of me as for years as I don’t like going into a restaurant, and when I do I always hate it… I can’t stand to order food if I don’t see it first, or the level of noise 😮 and worse thing is eating food you don’t like and pretending to enjoy it and then having to pay a huge bill. Also being stuck next to people you don’t want to talk to and can’t get away from. I live in the UK , so mostly the food isn’t that good anyway! There’s always so much choice on the menus and the music or people are way too loud! I’m diagnosis ADHD but know I also am autistic, it’s been dawning in me for a while now 😂
So true, all of it. I only just recently learned that I'm autistic, and I'm finally learning some accomodations for myself. Unfortunately I'm still in a burnout from years or pushing myself too hard to work, go to school full time, and mask, all as a perfectionist. A new school year is about to start for me next week, and I am going to try not to mask so much, because now that I know what it is and I'm not gaslighting myself about it anymore, I'm realizing that it's exhausting enough already to deal with the hustle culture of the States as an autistic, that I don't really need to spend any extra energy than I have to. Besides, I'd rather make friends that know I'm autistic and are okay with that, rather than those who know a fake me.
As usual, amazing and informative video that allows me to share my issues with others who just think I'm lazy and trying to be "special."
Chris and Debby are my two favorite chubbers! They've helped me out a lot
Not only am I a night owl, I've been called stupid, indecisive and "Why can't you just PICK something already?" when at the restaurant. I tend to be a slower eater too, I like to enjoy my food. I'm around a bunch of friends who (from my perspective) just wolf things down and then complain that I'm not done yet, leading to me taking the rest of my meal to go, or an even more fun scenario for me, I get the runs from the stress of being out in the first place!
One thing I've learned is that restaurants will always ask what I want to drink first. I usually have an idea of what I'm in the mood for food-wise, so my next task is to figure out what beverage will go with what food I'm in the mood for. If I make the wrong combination, even that could lead to disastrous sensory overload for my brain, tongue, and digestive issues. I've had to end a day of fun because I've overloaded my sensory self and couldn't deal with anything else for the day.
As for the ADHD part that I know I already have: I've been watching this 9 minute video for the past 20 min, having to pause constantly for various things because I'm definitely not focused today! 😶🌫
Thank you Chris, I'm deeply grateful that you're explaining things for us to learn! I'm definitely sharing this with my friends, even if my test results come out with something different, this video is me personified by your explanations 😊
I understand and sympathize with you. Also, friends don't call other friends stupid! Your friends don't sound very compassionate or understanding of you. I hope you get to experience a nice, peaceful outing lubricated by friends who are on your wavelength and give you the time and grace to have fun the way you need to.
@@gengarfluid Thank you for your heartfelt reply, and I love your user name! 😊
Would it be possible to say that you would prefer to order a drink later, like after the food comes out? Most hosts/hostesses seem to be accommodating, but I guess it depends on the place/situation. I don't eat out much, but when I do, I try to look up the menus beforehand of the place we're going to. Or just stick with water in my case 😅
@@naffy113 That's what I do as well, I ask where were going and look up the menu in the car on the way there 👍We usually pick a second option in case the first option is full, that's when I get a little more messed up about it. My partner doesn't drink, gets the unsweetened iced tea and slurps it down with his food, so not an option. I've asked him before if he wants dessert while he watches me eat, but he won't do that either 🤷
Totally on point with everything you said and everything I've had to deal with. The whole idea that a certain group can dictate what everyone does socially based on their upbringing or their college experiences or what they learned in their generation is just completely unfair. They're definitely needs to be a lot more acceptance and a lot more tolerance in the workplace
The complexities of social norms section makes me think of one of my pet peeves: common sense. It's something that really doesn't exist. "Common sense" basically says "I've have had certain experiences in my life and based on those experiences, I have come to a conclusion that I assume any person living should come to as well because they probably had similar life experiences to mine." But in most cases that is totally subjective, because what is a common occurrence to one group of people may not be common at all to another. Like one person could consider it is "common sense" to not shake a soda unless you want it spraying everywhere. But what if you lived in a household that never drinks soda, doesn't like soda, and if you do it's something with very little carbonation, or maybe only from fountain drinks? You wouldn't necessarily know that opening an agitated can or bottle would lead to you being covered in soda.
The first part that you are talking about is cognitive empathy. (Understanding that other individuals - all individuals - have different thoughts, feelings, perspectives, and experiences than ourself.)
The last part is simply learning about things by experiencing them and doing them (Learn from different life experiences.)
I do believe in showing that one has sense. That involves good decision making and critical thinking.
It is uppsettly rude though to say to someone who may be forgetful, struggling with a task or situation, or does something that ends in a mistake "Don't you have any sense?"
Nobody should do that to others - (all individuals.)
We all should treat every individual with at least a monicom of respect and understanding.
I have lived long enough to tell you that common sense actually was pretty common once upon a time, and has gotten less so over the decades.
I have found that if I'm working alone I can easily work more than 40 hours a week and still feel invigorated. Add a few people into the mix and suddenly it's a chore just to hit 40!
Processing time kills me. Doctors appointments are the worst. Even when I bring a prioritized list and my husband, I leave with nothing discussed that was important to me. So frustrating!
Hahaha yeah this happens all of the time. Last time I went in person to make an appointment she asked for the reason. I said let me think because I always forget what I came in for and then listed 4 different things. When I saw the doctor they said it said the reason for my appointment was I was having trouble remembering things and that was it. Felt like sabotage.
@@patrickday4206 no way! I'll have appointments for a specific purpose, and my doctor will spend the whole time talking about tests or shots I should have. It took me three months to request a medication increase. 🙄
Most of my work colleagues start a 6am and leave work by 3pm. I usually start at 9 or 9:30 and I stay until 5pm. Those 2 hours when I am alone are bliss. Thankfully I also get to work from home 2 days a week so that allows me some time to actually do some work, instead of having to attend meetings or speak to people
I agree. Although I would not say "this bothers me, etc". Rather I would ask: "Are you aware that ... can be done so and so? Because I see you do ... different than others/me and I was wondering why that is? Would you please consider telling me why? So I can understand and/or learn about you and what moves you better? Thank you!"
Because I am autistic myself, plus adhd and bipolar, I know how aweful I always felt when someone would tell me that something I did by default (aka how my brain is wired, so not by choice) is bothering them. It would not be helpful for my self image, to bring it mildly.
Therefore I would never want to do that to someone else. Instead I try to ask the questions I would of gladly answered when I was the weird one out...
And indeed, who decides what's good social behaviour (coming from a behaviourist) anyway. Who decides what's normal. If someone points out to me that what I am doing, or how I am dressing myself etc etc is not deemed "normal"... I mostly reply with a smile and say "but it IS for ME". Some puzzled faces here and there, but mostly we laugh together. It's a wonderful tool to filter out who your tribe is.... 😅
Well put!
Thanks for these videos guys!!
Yes to all of these! 🤪 Thank you for the clear and simple explanations! I feel like your videos give a voice to the internal struggles that I have difficulty articulating and expressing. I regularly share your videos with family and friends to help them better understand. 🫶🏻
I used to work in restaurants, and I will forever be so thankful for the soundproofing that the walk-in refrigerator graces us with. I could go in there to have a mental breakdown and come back out more refreshed. It really helped, and there wasn't a social stigma against it because everyone would joke about doing it. You kind of can't do that in an office. There is now nowhere for me to hide so I have to bottle it in.
So many people either don't know or quickly forgot that literally up until 2020, working from home was considered a scam and people were encouraged to be very wary of jobs that let you work from home. NOW all jobs that let you work from home are labeled "remote". Cvd19 proved that working from home is NOT a scam and does not make people lazy or scammers. So what I want to know is WHY isn't working from a common option when applying for a non-physical job??? Most companies still want data or customer service employees to work in store and NO accommodations are given for them if they have autism other than MAYBE an extra break throughout the work day. Internet is everywhere, customer service can be done so easily from home. I don't get why employers aren't more accommodating.
@@homesteadgamer1257 because management can't be lazy in a remote setting and needs to catch up to up to date technology. You have to actually ask people what they are doing, check that you received their work etc. Whereas in an open plan office they only need to saunter in once in a while to justify to their bosses they are checking on the employees and then go back to the privacy of their offices where they enjoy their closed doors and sound proof walls
(Former IT support, you wouldn't guess whose computers were filled with malware and porn, and no, gender had no correlation).
And if a manager can't prove they are overseeing the employees... Well guess who just proved themselves redundant...
Obligatory not all managers, but the competents ones didn't had any trouble adjusting to managing remote. Even if they themselves liked more their office setting.
Because, frankly, they're micromanagers who need to justify their existence, they're old-fashioned and refuse to accept the 'new-fangled' or 'trendy' (read suspect and/or an attempt at scamming), or they're a**holes. Or any combination thereof.
My former boss was a micromanaging narcissist. I was already in burnout when she tried to force me to return to the office in May 2020, despite successfully working from home. I literally just couldn't do it and quit without notice.
This was WONDERFUL! Thank you!🙋♀️💖
I cannot even go into restaurants anymore. Havent been in one to eat since 2019. My food allergies are just too bad. Heck often I react to the fumes from outside! But this problem means I often cannot eat anything while I am out and about. Its just not safe.
Yesterday while I was out for a 6.5 hour walk I did momentarily stop into a restaurant to only use the bathroom and after that I was itchy for an hour! From the allergens in the air. Cannot really go into the library eitither because of the cleaning products they use. That affects my corn allergy too and it gets hard to breathe and that itching all over starts up!
This creates social problems of a different sort.
Just get a combination of corn allergy + celiac and that means you cannot go anywhere.
I feel you 100%! Having multiple food and chemical sensitivities and allergies is the pits and then adding autism to the mix makes going out and especially eating out a total nightmare 😔
Any chance it's MCAS?
You did such a good description of multiple chemical sensitivity. Are you bothered by perfumes and colognes too? I don't even try to eat out anymore, except for muffins that my husband gets for me when he goes out for coffee (the cafe has an outdoor window, a good hold-over from lock-down). I'm envious for your ability to go for such a long walk. I don't have the energy, and I'm not willing to risk having an episode of molten lava. I rarely leave our property, and when I do, I have give people a wide berth to avoid choking on their "fragrances."
@@somuchtoknow1950 Are you familiar with MCAS?
@@KellyRVaden Actually, I had not heard of it, so I researched it. It sounds difficult to deal with and hard to diagnose. Since Sarah.B did not mention anaphylaxis, I answered with what I was familiar to me. Maybe you could educate all of us here about it?
Your videos are fire. ❤ the content, production value, and overall quality = soooo helpful and fun while being informative. 🎉
"I might need time to think without being barraged"
Yup. I used to describe myself (when not masking) as "Bright but slow".
#actuallyautistic
This is superb. I feel understood😊Bliss
For Debby- have you thought of doing any kind of group for spouses of asd-ers? A question came up about such a resource in a group I participate in and I SO want my husband to have support in the challenges to him in my unmasking process which is a really challenging time all around. Thanks for terrific content!!!
I am a direct care service provider and I often get burn out just from doing day hab all day. And driving and driving all over with my clients. Who are amazing by the way. But by the time I get home, I am done. I shut down, the lights go dim in my room and I hibernate. I have a horrible time going out on the weekends and dealing with more people. But I absolutely love my job. I do have an assessment coming up in October which I am super excited about! I am hoping this guy is better than the stupid last therapist who didn't listen to a thing I said. Your channel has really been helping me! 😀
I worked 30 years with the same employer. The social burden of the office wasn't too bad at first - we were all there to do a job and our respect for each other depended mostly on how well we did that job. But for the last 10-15 years the culture shifted to something more like social media, where style matters more than substance and actual expertise is treated with suspicion. This became intolerable for me personally and I think it will also be bad for business in the long run.
You are absolutely right. Expertise in the hidden ingredient in the success of a business.
I've come to truly appreciate my 4-day work week over the past few years. I'm still productive on the 5th day, either running errands or community volunteer work, but that's much less demanding than going into work. And my current job is actually not terrible for people with ASD as I think a good chunk of my workmates have it. I work early and leave early. Unfortunately the pay is kinda crap, but it's served me well for the past few months since moving to a new city. Hopefully the job interview I have today reveals something that supports most, if not all, of my needs.
Thanks for this video!
Everywhere I've worked has forced me to come into the office and it was always a nightmare. Fighting horrific traffic over an hour both ways and then having to do with that. One job I had, at least I had my own office and I could retreat into the server room. Another I had to work in a cubicle. That was awful. I burned out. 😕. I started having heart palpitations, an irregular heartbeat and panic attacks. I got laid off for budget cuts when the economy tanked. I was devastated but I now see it as a blessing in disguise. That job was killing me. I went to work for myself after that.
I can do eye contact, but I always start thinking about their eye color!
This really rang true for me and I immediately shared it with my husband!
One more comment for the algorithm: Does anyone else have a problem making eye contact *effectively*? It’s hard to do it in the first place but when I make eye contact, it’s apparently weird. I don’t have a lazy eye or anything but people act like they don’t know I’m looking at them. WTH? Even when I try, I still end up feeling stupid.
a Chick-fil-A training video taught me to look just until I notice their eye color and then it's safe to look away (I think it's about 2-3 seconds). They also taught me HOW to smile and how to greet guests properly and other social skills that most other jobs just assume you know. I am so thankful one of my first jobs was Chick-fil-A just because of the training they gave me. It has seriously helped a lot with obtaining other employment. People now don't react as if I am weird, so it has also helped me integrate better.
*edit*----- I tend to greet a customer with eye contact and a greeting and then I am safe to look away and focus on my actual work like ringing them up or assisting them with their questions, I will then make eye contact again when saying goodbye. So that's only two eye contacts per customer, and often times they wont be looking at me for the second eye contact so it ends up being one eye contact per customer anyway. If I am in an interview or something more one on one then I tend to look up at the eyes roughly every "paragraph" in the convo. I hope that helps!
That thinking time thing kills me in job interviews. They ask me to provide an example of a time when I x, and there we sit for several minutes while I try desperately to think of an answer without looking like I've shut down or didn't understand the question 😓I hate it so much
Having OCD and Autism has gotta be one of the best combos out there,
My husband & I are Autistic, both adult kids Audhd. After quaretine was over my husband, the only one in his work team in our city, was able to skip going back to the office. Older kid has a full-time job in parts production, & gets to wear earplugs during his shift. I am working on a work from home thing, as is our younger kid.
When I was younger (before kids) I worked at many retail jobs, & a few office gigs. Burned out on every one of them, most after 6 months to a year. Never again!!
We had the plumber here all morning, and I had a crying jag after they left just to release the tension my whole body was holding. People-ing is hard!!
I am reminded constantly that autism looks very different individually. One person may have it harder interacting with people than others, but the comment that got me was the one on sleep. Last night I maybe got four hours of sleep in two or three segments, and I could not stop sweating, and that's even when I turn the fan on. My brain struggles to shut down and quite often, I have to have a physical enough day at work, (I'm in a warehouse setting), in order to have a quality night's sleep.
Whenever I plan to do something new or meet someone new the next day, chances are that I hardly sleep because of anxiety. This is not necessarily negative, very often I enjoy doing something new or meeting someone new. But if this happens a number of days in a row, I will get exhausted from a lack of sleep.
Last year, I was assessed for work ability. Two weeks of tests and small tasks and interviews. Nothing difficult at all. But it was every day something different with a different specialist. And throughout this time I was constantly extremely worried about potential consequences of the outcome of the assessment. Already at day 3, I was exhausted from anxiety + lack of sleep and consequently my work ability was greatly underestimated.
Amen, Brother! Indeed. How are we supposed to know the rules? If you go to a different country and still behaves like someone from your home country you may offend someone in the new country. But chances are they will be patient with you and give you a chance to process. This is no different. Relax and give everyone a chance.
Sushi is my favorite food so I had to think about me at a steakhouse (I’m not into American food and I’m a vegetarian so I’d be really uncomfortable there) and once I pictured it that way… this all made sense for me.
Omg. Thank you for being you. And these videos.
On a tangent: places that serve "brunch" should be slapped with false advertising if their website only has photos of empty tables or a mere handful of deliriously delighted people sharing a casual meal.
Prepare your guests for the reality of dining in your establishment, please!
Being invited to a holiday season office team lunch; researching (of course) the location before accepting the meeting request; and then turning up to a HOT HOUSE CRAMMED WITH A BILLION CHATTERING I.T. STAFF FLINGING FOOD AT THEIR FACES I CAN'T HEAR THE COWORKER NEXT TO ME EVEN THOUGH THEY'RE YELLING AT MY FACE CAN I PLEASE LEAVE I SHOULDN'T HAVE ORDERED ANYTHING TRY TO SMILE & LOOK GRATEFUL FOR THE MEAL WHILE I'M SHATTERING. >.O
I was burnt out for nearly a month after that two hour "happy holidays" brunch. Ho ho omg never again.
Exactly me! It used to be really horrible 10 years ago. Now I have a supervisor who understands and nobody is offended when I skip team meals at restaurants like that.
As an autistic who is now 52, I find additional stress in new things like having to learn AI (which I find scary, by the way) and even new things in new cars… I don’t leave my house much anymore. I’m already too old and tired in middle age. No wonder our life expectancy is shorter. Don’t even get me started on the fact they EVERY f***ing business now plays loud music for a nightclub vibe. Even a supermarket. Gah!!!!
One of the biggest things I struggle with since my diagnosis is the thought that other people's brains aren't constantly full of sound and thoughts and noise and more thoughts and why is everything so loud...?!
What do you mean that you don't hear the fluorescent lights? Or the air in the ducts? Or the screaming of the intercom in this shop? And why are there no soft furnishings in this Cafe, doesn't the sound bouncing off every object hammer into your brain? I understand that it's easier to clean the floor and furniture, but why is the ceiling naked?!
Doctor's waiting rooms are nightmares of noise, echoes, multiple concurrent conversations (phone and otherwise), and bad seating, and saing "I'm sorry, what?"over and over to the receptionist behind her plastic protective screen, and people (despite signs) not turning off their mobiles and still taking calls inside for more nouse and disruption until I could scream and 😱 because my brain is 🤯.
My schedule was changed to 2PM to Midnight, 4 days a week. This shift is SOOO much better. Less commuting, more rest. The extra two hours a day can be used for online training or on-the-job emergencies without any reduction in pay.
The lights... don't forget about the lights. The common office lights are painful after awhile.
Totally agreed with everything you said here. You nailed it! And your suggestions for how to help or support us were practical, doable, and would be immensely helpful.
Thank you.
PS. Insomnia plus being an early riser has been an exhausting bane of my existence, lol. Late arvo and early evening are my dead times.
[Edited for clarity.]
Validated ❤
Working from home has been a godsend. I don't think I could work full-time in an office again unless it was my business and I was usually the only one there!
The last job I had with office days would sometimes have me there alone. It was awesome because I could leave the fluorescent lights off and just use the natural light. I still prefer working from home though
Love it ❤
I'm a manager now... I'm a lot more on edge at work. Now I'm the person to go to with questions that need answered. I can get pretty overwhelmed and/or exhausted by the end of the work day.
One thing that is important that was not mentioned is that autistic individuals should focus on being themselves because for me as an autistic individual it would be hard to please everyone according to what they think is socially normal. And for neurodivergent individuals be yourself but be open and educate yourself to know how neurotypical people interact and for those who are neurotypical be yourself but be open and educate yourself on how neurodivergent people interact so you can better understand them.
I've worked my entire life to not wake up in the morning. I tried for a few years, but it didn't work out. I work at a call center now (Yeah, I know, phones). The scripts tell me what to say so it's actually pretty easy and let me tell you, having someone willing to work from 10 or 11 or 12 until 8 hours later is a blessing for most call centers. It's a hard shift to get people to stay, and I hate change, so as soon as I learned this job, I'm good. Oh, and since 2020 it's been work from home, so BONUS!
I learned a lot about eating ramen and sushi from my obsession with animation and anime and manga.
I was more prepared to act the character inside the restaurant and just tried my best to be as still and quiet as possible and excited for that bento box with sushi as a kid.
It still was stimulating cause I got so excited and nervous enough that I felt sick after a little bit. But I was still so excited to reenact from animations. I was 9 at the time. Fell in love with sushi. Will never like certain squishy fish but will always love Eel. But at this moment I get a bit sad knowing how adorable Eel look. I always thank the Eel and fish for becoming my dinner.
For me the loud clattering of noises in restaurants of silverware on ceramic plates or glasses jolts me and makes me nervous. So the cleanup after someone leaves a table always gets me super on edge because of the very loud noise in restaurants of the person throwing the dishes into the tub. I always have to stop eating it’s that stressful from the loud noise. Or if there is a loud baby or kid or bad smells. I can’t eat at all but will force myself and then feel sick after it and then get anxiety after it and be more sick and sad. My partner complains to me on that a lot that I can’t just be happy to be in a nice place to eat and there have been times when I’m able to act appropriately and play the part so I don’t make him upset at me when we are out somewhere but a lot of times I can’t do it. It’s exhausting and I get nervous being with him because he argues with me in public which makes me so uncomfortable.
I want to die in public sometimes because he’s telling something really embarrassing I do or arguing about something and he doesn’t understand why I’m so quiet and scared to answer back to him when he’s mad about something I did or said.
My parents are worse about this but now that my partner is starting to do this too.. especially when he throws me off with thinking by saying I’m not ever listening to him. I cry because I can’t manage to think of what he just said after he accuses me of not listening I’m so lost in my thoughts I do forget what we were talking about as I’m trying to figure out what to say back so he doesn’t feel that way and get angry. I’m not sure what to do when my thoughts get lost like that. And crying at all makes him very upset at me that I’m way too sensitive about anything and everything said to me.
Also me just getting up at 7 pm and feeling defeated I wake up and sleep at bad times and wish I could just get my body to sleep at night but it never feels tired at night.
Oh and replying back. I always think it’s a super power when people have the thought process to reply back in an instant. Like super witty replies to me just seem amazing to be able to do back to someone bullying me. I can’t do it so I stay quiet and let the bullying happen since I’m unable to think with constant borage of questioning in an instant.
When I do it based on something I really know though then it’s an issue for them because they weren’t expecting me to actually give a reply back quickly and it makes them mad. My elder sibling is one of those people who tells me I’m always stupid and don’t know anything I’m talking about because of my mind. It’s hard to live with that constantly knowing im gonna be told it again even if I know something I don’t know anything and just have to live that way with them. And it’s shaped a lot of my conversations with people since im so uncomfortable and not confident in myself.
My partner is better when im talking about something new but still interrupts me a lot and tells me if what im saying is true or if im just being gullible online again. It hurts a lot but I’ve just come to accept that nothing I read or do online is true. It’s not a bad way to go about it but then I listen to them talk while im quiet and research their information and find out how much they get wrong about diet pills and anti aging creams that actually damage the skins protective layer. It’s exhausting to talk to anyone in my family who fully dismisses everything I talk about. Or tells me I repeatedly say something when I’ve only said it twice.
I work about 36 hours a week, and after each week, I just feel drained. 😅 I do like my job and my colleagues, but it's really frustrating to be depleted afterwards.
Im on the autism spectrum and going to a Japanese restaurant for sushi is my heaven! Im not flying to japan for sushi, but i also know a few basic Japanese words.
The sleep part is on point for me and my psychologist doesn’t understand it!
I didn't expect a video today 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
A Sunday surprise ❤️❤️❤️ thanks for all your support!
I'm Autistic and I'm not a Night Owl, I fall asleep by 12pm! But it may have to do that I'm old.
What were your sleeping patterns like when you were younger?
@@prettypuppy6752 I have no idea. I'm an old man now at 44 so I don't remember. But I probably stay up later than usual on the weekends xD
I am absolutely not an night owl, I go to sleep at about 10pm and I am wide awake at 6.am
@@IaconDawnshire 44 is old? At 74, I still struggle to get into bed by 2am.
Well said!
@ChrisandDebby1 I got one hell of a story, how I got to the ah-ha moment and late diagnosis.
survival skills for these very issues for me: When eating out I decide what I want and know the questions they will ask well before hand so that i can give them all the information BEFORE they ask the question. I have a go to for every type of restaurant and always order that same dish, so Mexican: Chori-pollo with quacamole, Chinese: Orange Chicken with fried rice, etc. That way i have all the pre-requisites before even going in. Also I always order a water and soda or tea. When ordering, i always use doordash or similar, never call in.
For everyday questions: I use the phrases, "Can I get back to you on that?" or "give me a few moments to think" automatically after a question is asked. This gives them an indication that i have to process it, and gives me the extra time I need.
Many restaurants, coffee shops, etc have their menus available online nowadays (minus daily specials). So you can check it out ahead of time, plan your choices - and always, always have a backup selection ready for if they run out of something. It can make an immense difference - especially if you have auditory processing disorder, as I do. Not uncommon in autists.
If you have ADHD, or poor memory, jot it down on your phone, or a piece of paper that goes with you as an aide-mémoire. 🙂
Chris, have you looked into the number of people with Autism who are left-handed? I had a fascinating conversation with someone yesterday who said, "I always suspected you were neurodivergent, but seeing that you are a lefty helps support that. So many Autistic people I know are disproportionately left-handed." Obviously, not all Autistic people are left-handed, but I think I was reading that it was far more than the general population. I want to say 30% of Autistic people are lefties as opposed to less than 10% of the general public? I'm not sure of the exact numbers.
But as a left-handed person, I have often used that as a way to explain to people what being Autistic is like in a nuerotypical world. You hand a pair of ordinary scissors to a right-handed person, and it's no big deal. But give those same scissors to a lefty and it gets complicated.🤣 Some of us have learned to adapt to use those scissors, some of us can't and need left-handed scissors instead. Some of us have learned to live in a right-handed world, and we hate it. I have a left-handed keyboard and it annoys and confuses people when they sit at my desk. 🤣🤣 Yeah, well... welcome to my world. You are annoyed for a few minutes, this is my daily reality... as a lefty and as an Autistic adult. I think it's even more of a "mixed-handed" things as opposed to strictly left-handed, too. I know that I consider myself to be mixed-handed, because I've had to adapt to it, though given a preference, I will always choose to use my left hand. But for many things, I am am probably considered ambidextrous or mixed. I can use right-handed scissors just fine. I hate them and it feels weird, but I will use them. But if I'm given the choice, it's lefty scissors all days long. There are just so many parallels to Autism.
I’m also Autistic and Left-handed.
I’m mostly ambidextrous, depending on what I’m doing.
@@mjmooney6530, I’m ambidextrous, too. Hubba is autistic and a lefty.
Right handed here.
Good analogy
Oh the questions and prompts I give myself for eye contact 😅
I have burnt out on 40 hour work weeks or full time school and part time work so many times. I currently don’t have to work but still feel guilty that I can’t do a 40 hour work week.
For restaurants, if I haven't pre-scouted the menu before leaving my house(not likely now that I know myself) and it's not something i have a preexisting strong preference for(RARE) I say something like "surprise me," or "whatever you have the most of," but this doesn't work for many waitstaff. It does, however, buy me time.
What really throws me is when they're out of the thing I wanted. Or - this was nuts - this weekend my favorite sushi restaurant didn't have a sushi chef on Saturday?! That one threw me for hours, thankfully I was only doing takeout and not sitting there in the restaurant. It's literally still bothering me. How do you have a sushi restaurant, open for business, and not have the chef needed to make the thing you are serving? WTF?
I was at a boba place that didn't have their boba tea maker person. This only happens when they only have one on staff. I can understand it if there are huge budget constraints, or they can't find a second chef which can happen (or they don't have enough time to train a newbie). Restaurants are always balancing finding staff and the budget and lots of other little things. The owners are often stressed and don't get enough sleep. I just forgive them at this point lol. They could have done better, but if I were in their place I'm not sure I would have done better either, so I forgive.
Still waiting for an appointment for 'official' diagnosis... 62 and obviously neuro divergent. Probably AuDHD from my own research. Which brings me to my question. Is there a test for NORMAL? Every DSM5 based test I take is just more confusing since I can answer each question at least two different ways, and after over half a century of masking I have multiple life experiences to reference for each answer. Yet I have NO IDEA what is considered NORMAL when choosing.
Oh, and as a MENSA life member I am really good at multiple guess questions.
So, can we get a DEFINITION of NORMAL?
Nope. It changes between cultures and subcultures anyway. Eye contact? Normal for Australia, but not everywhere. In some places it's a no-no except if you're socially superior to your interlocutor. Use of the imperative and direct, blunt speech rude for anglophones, but actually perfectly polite in some cultures. Eccentricity is undesirable in young adults but permissible in senior citizens (I love this one).
An outline of 'normality' might help us to study it and fit in better, but it'd probably be used against people to ostracise and 'other' even more people.
I don't really believe in 'normal', as it is often used to mean (of a person) physically and mentally healthy; or even, just like everyone else. After all, 'everone' isn't one particular way. I only believe in on average, in general, or typically, and currently, in this particular culture.
The assignment of values such as weird or unnatural or wrong or BAD to something that is simply a less common thing, even when it's not dangerous, damaging, or deleterious in any way, where the less common thing isn't intrinsically inferior, just different is utterly baffling and nonsensical to me. Common behaviours aren't always the most logical, thoughtful, ethical, kind, or worthy of regard. But somehow, they're right and we're wrong because there are more of them, so they're 'normal', and we're not, so "nyah, nyah, nyah you freak".
So, yeah, I'm atypical, but I'm normal too. I'm as mentally healthy as the next person. I'm capable of logic, rationality, generosity, kindness, and thinking for myself. I harm none, so far as that is possible. I'm not insane, a criminal, a burden on others. I support my friends and family and people. I contribute to society as and when possible. I learn new things regularly. I'm not an inferior or 'unnatural' human variant. But the Norms of the world do like to put us down, to denigrate and make us feel smaller and less than.
Sorry. *Steps off soapbox.* It's late and I'm rambling now, g'night my peeps. 🙋♀️😴
Unfortunately, the tests for autism and camouflaging are also poorly designed. No possibility for "it depends" or "sometimes, sometimes not," sometimes not even for feeling neutral about what's being asked.
The sleeping schedule + the excessive amount of mental workout one needs to do to be able to get on through the day, in this world...Is unbearable, really not worth it. It's like being starved, sleep deprived and "kindly" asked, often at the wrong end of a proverbial gun, to build the goddamn fking pyramids. I didn't sleep for the last 3 days due to anxiety and university. Life is horrible.
For eye contact, I focus on the person’s right eye. I don’t look at their left eye much at all. Does anyone else do this?
It’s honestly just sad that the normies have to be taught how to be kind. I mean, I get that you don’t know what you don’t know, and that it simply just doesn’t occur to them because of how “out of their wheel house” we can be. But then I think about how much simpler most things are for normal brains, and yet WE have to be the ones educating them on all of this. The world in general just has a lot of catching up to do.
As an autistic, the only reason I was able to work, move, transition, and discover my own Audhder identity during the past few years is because I work fully remote.
I genuinely do not think most folks comprehend how much energy working 40+ hr (travel) weeks. Like I did it for the first 15 years of my working life and it DID break me (several times)
I struggle with eye contact, one of the ladies that did my assessment told me that i was not as good pretending to make eye contact as i thought.
Weirdly, in a romantic setting eye contact is a very important to me (I love nice eyes).
I like offices, but i have come to the realisation that it is because when I work from home i get very lonely as I have no social life and it gets me down. The social interaction in a workplace was what kept me going over the years.
It's possible that everyone but me already realized this. But a friend of mine was describing the comfort of not having to mask the other day, and later I was thinking about it and realized that masking is a fear response.
We keep being told that we shouldn't have to mask, but what would the main stream assumedly neurotypical people think of themselves if they understood that neurodivergent people hide who they are because we're afraid of them. Would they care? Would they realize that their insistence on everyone acting the way they say is causing is fear and harm, and that changes in societal expectations could change autism(for some people) from being a disability to a variation?
I wasn't afraid of them. I was terminally confused, bewildered, and hurt by their ambiguity, insincerity, and unkindness. I was damn angry at their two-faced behaviour and constant moving of the barriers and goalposts.
@carolinejames7257 it's not necessarily a conscious fear, but it is a fear response. That's what anxiety is, it's fear. And as autistic people, most of us started not meeting the behavior expectations of the people around us before we can even remember, and in small children, it's easy to cause fear.
Working theory; Allistic bias is towards social pecking order which add folks tend to not observe or see the logic of. I have gotten reprimanded for saying things I did not have the social status to be the one to say/ often everyone is complaining covertly about something and I share theyr complaint- then why wouldn’t I just put that in the table so a solution that works for all can be worked out and agreed on.
It’s a calculation I ignore at my own consequence - then again as a mask the holding of myself as having the right/reaponsibility/ social position of one who is granted that authority by the group to speak out can work out from just sheer boldness.
Why I love yakking with the asd community - that is just not where anyone is focusing… just sharing info and stories and thoughts and helping each other. ❤️
ASD not add…
Life gives me PTSD! Workplaces are nightmares. Low stress life requires 9 hours of sleep, but any work requires 12 hours. No time for me!!! Now time for a nap on my sofa after just watching these and hearing others' struggles!! The world doesn't seem designed for me. Everyone is driving past me at 100 mph.