How to Solve Rejection Sensitivity (3 easy solutions to live without fear ✨)
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- Опубликовано: 3 июл 2024
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How could you use the 3 tips in this video to manage Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria? Let me know in the comments! And what do you want to see next?
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Links to information:
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00:00 Introduction
00:45 Definition of RSD
02:05 Outward Symptoms of RSD
03:37 My Son
03:45 Outward Symptoms Continued...
04:45 Viewer Story - the Tyler Incident
05:50 Inward Symptoms of RSD
07:15 January Unmasking Program
08:00 THE SOLUTIONS TO RSD
08:15 Building Community
09:45 Speak the Thoughts Out Loud
12:04 The final step... Exposure Therapy
13:25 Hayley does Exposure Therapy
14:45 Outro
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When my husband was a child someone told him to just ask for things he wants and I'm always amazed the amount of times people tell him yes.
Obviously worked with you huh😭
I can't even imagine doing this with my anxiety, good for him! What kind of things does he ask for- not in an attempt to be rude, I just want to know so I can do it as well.
Being a male in this society honestly never fails to astound me. Like they can just do that, demand what they want without having to give up or labour in return. And they don't even notice or acknowledge that they have that privilege. Must be nice.
@@pendafen7405in what world is that even remotely true lmao? Sure men have some privileges but “always getting your way” absolutely isn’t one of them, it is almost exactly the opposite of that actually.
@@cam5556 this is either incel or NLOG thinking, and I do not engage with it, sorry. Blessings🙏
I will perceive rejection even in positive situations. I can have a great evening with friends, then come home and question everything I had done or said. I think that they don’t actually like me, just tolerate me. 🙁
Oh my gosh same! Like the "they're only tolerating my existence because they're too polite to tell me they hate me to my face" thoughts are very strong sometimes!!! 😭
It's so nice to know I'm not alone in this. I grew up knowing I was autistic but NOT really knowing what that meant or entailed, and I found myself surround almost exclusively by people that HATED me and people I found out were fake friends, either those afraid to tell me how they really felt but trying to avoid me, or those planning a future betrayal. So after several years of that, you start assuming that's the default for every group of people you come across for the rest of your life- "CLEARLY I'm the problem, I'm the one who's not 'normal,' so how could people's feelings toward me ever really change?" It sucks. I literally cannot accept a positive social interaction for what it is and will read into absolutely every aspect of it looking for what I've done wrong and looking for clues that I'm unwanted just as I always suspect. :[
So real
That's what's going on with me right now. I had pretty much the same experience as you. My relationship with my girlfriend is being seriously impacted by the fact that growing up autistic and abused by a bi-polar mother, I'm always terrified that she'll leave me, and sometimes I start getting really anxious and freak out asking rapid-fire questions which she can't handle (we're both autistic and transfem for what it's worth, and she's really sensitive to sound). For the past month I've been scaring her on occasion by becoming and absolute mess of over apologizing and crying and begging her not to leave whenever I do anything slightly wrong. She's been really compassionate and forgiving, and I'm getting better, but it still sucks that we have to go through this. Her mental health is recovering and just when it looked like we could go back to both just being emotionally alright and living life normally again I got into a massive fight with my mother and it shattered my self image which I had worked for months to rebuild and all the anxiety, fear of abandonment, and self hatred camw rushing back. I'm going to get better and I will be okay, this is just really difficult to go through.
Same
becoming a cashier did more for my anxiety n rsd than anything. in high school, i would literally cry if i had to ask to be part of a group bc it wasnt assigned or i didnt have a friend in the class, and had a panic attack after going into the nurses office and being looked at by 3 students in there. now, after switching to a new store and new department and working there for just a year, i have a friend group that is about 7-10 people big, get along with almost everyone in my department, have multiple regulars i chat with, and generally feel very little social anxiety. im still working on my generalized anxiety, time management, etc, but im managing my symptoms way better than i was 3-5 years ago
That's amazing! I'd have a nervous breakdown daily and never talk to anyone if I was a cashier.
Yeah haha It definitely helps to get out of the comfort zone and move the boundary I haven been a door to door salesman for charity. You learn to handle rejection really quickly like this 😂 and also helps asking random people for something, you quickly realise people will quite gladly help you if you ask nicely
Dang, you must work in a chill store! I used to be a cashier and never want to have a customer service type job again. xD The good regulars were nice, for sure. But the uncalled for negativity from others was awful. It sucks when there's so many nice people you can interact with in a day, but a single interaction can just spike stress and ruin it all.
congrats !!!
Well done! That’s great for you. “The further you move out from your comfort island, the bigger your comfort island becomes.’ 🙏
Just wanted to say…RSD sounds a lot like some things that can happen with insecure attachment. Having autism and/or ADHD (diagnosed or not) as a child can lead to insecure attachment, depending on how the parent interacts.
The qualm I have here is with pathologizing feelings/behaviors that may be better explained as a psychological issue. People with complex trauma may be sensitive to rejection for reasons that aren’t pathological, and a trauma-informed therapist may be able to help.
Commenting only in hopes that it will be helpful. I adore this creator. Just something I see a lot here on YT that never quite sat right.
Edit to add: People with ASD and/or ADHD can develop strong reactions to rejection (real or imagined) because of what happens to us as children. It sets the tone for the rest of our lives (see Mary Main and John Bowlby). I think discussing RSD as if it comes in a vacuum, without addressing possible trauma-based origins, is missing a huge piece in the puzzle.
Complex trauma is a pathology tho. In fact, it's considered a type of neuro-divergence. Albeit not the same thing as autism/ADHD.
I hear it often with trauma, but I haven't heard of RSD associated with autism/ADHD. So it's actually more helpful for me to see it separated from trauma. In my puzzle, it's a major piece, and I'm finally understanding why I wasn't making progress with my trauma-informed therapist. Instead, I've started to look for an ADHD specialist.
Personally, and you are free to disagree with me, I have noticed that trauma symptoms are addressed more freely in a therapy setting. It's understood that trauma leads to all manner of behavioral quirks. That's why I went to a trauma therapist in the first place. It turns out that ADHD has significantly more symptoms than I was ever aware of - RSD being one of them.
I didn't know I was Autistic with ADHD until my mid-40's and was dx'd with both at 50, along with my child, who is 10. I knew about me from seeing Autism and ADHD in her.
We both have super painful RSD. Both have felt this way since birth, the only difference being my daughter knows she is neurodivergent and I didn't. I had so many real, actual rejections by my young adult life that the perceived rejections just got worse and worse, so I know complex trauma is a piece of this for me, and adds a lot of anxiety to already anxious interactions. I think both co-occur and I have a hard time separating them, except when I remember back to the searing, painful (often my own perception of my ND parents who also struggled not knowing, but basically every interaction I had intense anxiety) rejections of my early childhood.
Edit to add: currently living in intentional community and dealing with constant panic and people avoiding- I don't have any safe place or people- I plan to send this video to one of the ladies here, who seems to relate, because it is explained so well and I have RSD just thinking about saying these things (plus major imposter syndrome) ♡ sending support to all those who need it!
@@laurah2831 "Complex trauma is a pathology tho"
No it is not.
Being abused is not pathology.
Horrible victim blaming here. The state of toxic society that we live in.
"If only she did not walk in short skirt, she would not be assaulted"
Abuser- centered society.
Everyone blames the target of abuse, and nobody is fingerpointing to psychopaths and sociopaths due to fear of being attacked - so it is easier to kick the wounded hapless dog on the ground.
Pathology is serial killer who enjoys destroying others. That is pathology.
Add to that, that many of us have parents with undiagnosed neurodiversity who probably didn't meet our attachment needs because they either weren't aware of those needs or they were traumatised and just trying to get by themselves. Viscous circle it is.
I've been unable to play multiplayer videogames for years because of my crippling anxiety and I recently started playing Sky on my phone without knowing other characters weren't Npcs but people playing in real time. When I realized this I immediately closed the app, I had a bit of a panic attack and I haven't played it since.
Now I understand where all this anxiety comes from and I plan on start playing again even if it feels uncomfortable
Thank you for this video ❤
I really needed this
I knew the other people were players but when I sat on a bench with someone for the first time and they wrote I got so overwhelmed with having to come up with a good answer... I just got up and flew away
Sky's really good for some low stakes nice moments/interactions with other people
Or to just exist in tbh it's so prettyy
I hope you work up the courage to start playing again :>
I stopped playing Sky for the same reason 😂
Omg same I relate so strongly to this, I didn't know that other ppl felt the same! I actually started Sky knowing it was multiplayer and thinking maybe it would be my one shot at playing a multiplayer game because of the lower stakes. But it was still too much for me and as cool as the game was and as badly as I want to play it I just can't go back because it makes my skin crawl. I really wish I could just enjoy it :(
How's it going? Get any games in? Just remember that your deserve to play/enjoy life as much as anyone else
Omg I love playing sky!! I usually just interact with other people without lighting them up because I feel less pressure :)) usually if I hang out with someone long enough I have the pressure to friend them but I realized that i dknt need to 💖
I have *almost* no problem being rejected or thought about negatively by random strangers, but insert a friend, family, or coworker into that position and the RSD comes on so dang strong that I will go insane bending over backwards and spending all my time to make sure that I won't be left out or thought of negatively (which ironically often causes those problems because the emotions ramp up so strongly when I feel the slightest bit of rejection). The FOMO is strong with this one.
Yesss same :)
Well im doomed , i felt this both in strangers and MORE STRONGLY in my close relationships. Welp, OMG! Though i as well did spend my time bending backwards esp my friends that eventually left me out every goddamn time. Ive managed to silently cut them off now. I have no raging or emotional lashes . Just silent cut. I hope i will find my people some day. :)
i’m fine being chill and open around strangers and friends, but once family gets involved i immediately get intimidated and feel off for the rest of the day
omggggggggg sameeee! i hate how it always goes haywire with those close to me and I could give a f**k less about strangers/random people lol
im glad im not alone in this@@gunnasintern
I literally waited until I was 33 to get my adhd etc diagnosed, because I was so anxious that a psychiatrist was just going to tell me that I was just lazy, like everyone else in my life.
Another example of RSD, during a really stressful part of my life, I was at a restaurant with my friend. We were sharing a plate of mochi and I asked my friend not to eat a certain piece. He immediately popped it into his mouth, as a joke. I started crying. He hurriedly apologized and ordered another plate, just for me. I managed to calm myself down by the time the waiter came back. Except the waiter passed the plate right in front of my face before setting it down in front of my friend. I broke down, full on bawling in the middle of our favorite sushi joint.
Same
Sounds more like narcissism.
That’s partially confusing because the rejection is from the person not the thing so getting another plate of it wouldn’t help. The second thing i related to a lot though
@@M_SC Yeah, I think people tend to use hypercognition and then quickly put label on anything that moves.
When we learn about anxiety - everything will seem and appear anxious to us.
When we learn about trauma - everything will be traumatizing suddenly.
When we learn about rejection - everything will appear as rejection to us.
The curse of knowledge and learning is that we need to keep on learning in order to reduce by-product of knowledge: hypercognition.
Hypercognition leads to misdiagnosis and new layers of mental health issues.
In her case, it seems more like narcissism and borderline issue than actual rejection - being greedy about the food. Any person living in the developed country and has money to visit restaurants really does not need to worry about the food.
Rejection would be if her friend put her down for being fat.
@@PostalDude97 I think you are barking at a wrong tree.
I am talking the same thing you are saying in your comment.
This is the most debilitating aspect of my PTSD/Anxiety/AuDHD. I'm just stuck in a self-isolation loop. Thanks for the tips!
In the early days of dating my wife, I would blush noticeably if a cashier or server asked me a question that caught me off guard (I was diagnosed with ADHD a decade later). The only way I could explain it was that it was the feeling of being called on in class when you didn't know the answer. Ironically(?), my wife is deaf in one ear, so she's almost always in that situation, and yet she never reacts with embarrassment like I do. This concept and video really hits home exactly what's going on, and is really helpful, thank you!
I think I just experienced second-hand RSD watching you at the restaurant. I was like "Nooo, what if you get rejected!?!? I dont want you to feel bad!!"
Thank you so much for doing it and showing us. This is amazing.
Ha ha same! 😅
Me too. I even had to pause the video to brace myself😅
@@springchild6681omg same! I almost clicked off😭
Same here, I’m not emotionally ready to watch that
I used to have heart palpitations and feel breathless to send mails to profs while applying for PhD positions. The actual rejection hurt less than the preceding thing. And then I would procrastinate and not even go near my laptop etc.
And the most minor change in tone or expression would make me feel rejected. Explicit criticism is much better.
And yes I have adhd
At first, I was thinking I don't really have this symptom...until about half way through. The fear of looking dumb, not correcting people so they don't feel awkward or wrong; as that started sinking in, I realized this is sometimes my entire day. Because it's preemptive, I never realized this is what the term meant or that it was a thing and not just a character flaw (like, how vain to think everybody even notices you, blah, blah, blah). At least now I can quit asking myself why I think/worry this way. Oh, and maybe neutralize it. Thanks.
I moved to a big southern city (Tampa) after living in a small town my entire life. I didn't drive (still don't), and had a really big fear of looking stupid because of this. I was a college student, and doing well...but taking the bus to campus, etc. Anyways, around 20, I eventually got "over it". And was able to date a bunch of people and have a cool life. Folks were pretty understanding. Also realizing I am not "dumb" for not knowing how to drive. Or not knowing many things, no one knows "everything". Was also in a band, so that helped (they sort of had to drive me around, because I was the guitar player). Anyways, I totally get what you mean. I still struggle with it, too.
Wow, literally just confessed to my friends that I have a severe problem with emotional rejection (both in friendly and romantic situations) and it’s like you heard me. This video is exactly what I need, can’t wait to see it. Thank you❤️
Google heard you 😁
oh man, I find RSD crippling at times. It gets me the worst in my work - I'm so afraid my client won't be happy with what I make for them that I obsess over tiny little imperfections which causes my timelines to go to hell and then I have to rush in the end.
I also have a really hard time when I don't reply to someone fast enough, and then I get all in my head and put off replying which makes it even worse...
Thanks for this video - I really love your informal/authentic/humorous style
I have a HUGE fear that comes out when i sense something is changed or off about others’ feelings towards me that were at one time positive- its the fear that in reality, everyone tolerates me and exchanges knowing glances about my behaviors and works around them, while I am the ONLY one ignorant to how my behavior affects everyone else. When all seems well, i feel confident as long as I’m getting positive feedback. If that feedback pauses or stalls or if i receive criticism (even just perceived criticism), I consider once again, “ what if this whole time everyone has just been dealing with you as you are, knowing how you are and you are the only one not in the know about how you are to everyone else. What if you’re the one that takes up too much of the communal space and are completely oblivious to how it constantly affects everyone around you.
I truly struggle with having texts with my close friends. I feel so rejected whenever they text back late or they do not reply to my specific part of my questions or messages. It really does eat me out and I get confused when I actually have a good time with them face to face.
I really experience RSD when I’m late. I think my natural adhd-brain would make me late way more often, but I’m almost never, because my RSD anxiety makes me be everywhere 30 minutes early, which somehow also makes me embarrassed and anxious. This video really hit home for me and exposure therapy sounds necessary and like a good solution but terrifying!
I used to always be very early for things, like I would leave a half hour before a class in college that took place in the building next door to my dorm, and sit outside the classroom on the floor. At some point I got kind of burnt out and had more trouble task-switching, and now I leave for things at the last minute. I basically traded that wasted time for anxiety about being caught, judged, charged late fees, etc. (and I'm not saying that was the wrong decision necessarily, but it is a trade). And if I try to be in-between, actually calculating the time it takes to get places, that's a LOT of mental energy and concentration for me.
I'm just now starting to not get anxious about if my boss (who is the boss of like 100 people and probably doesn't even know my start time) will notice or care if I am 1-2 minutes late every few days through exposure.
Yes same! I didn’t even think if it as RSD before but makes sense. Worse is when we’re late cause of my partner so I have no control over it.
+
So, I do too, but my adhd 100% makes me late anyway, soooo I just die everyday
Oh my GOODNESS, thank you for saying the thing about neutral interactions!! I swear I suffer from this whenever I am surprised by a conversation (I am autistic too, btw). Just a couple of days ago I was in a shop and a very pleasant lady asked me to move some of the products that were on a high shelf forward because she wasn't tall enough to get them herself. I did so and she thanked me. After she had taken what she wanted and left I completely froze up thinking about how stupid and useless I was when helping her out, so much so that I had to go to a quiet corner of the store just to process and calm down. Those neutral interactions can be brutal!
Recently I was talking to this girl and we eventually went on a date, I thought it went well we had fun and she was saying we should do it again, a few days go by and I hadn't heard from her so I just text how shes doing, nothing. The emotional pain I went through made me stop eating, lack of sleep, and random intrusive thoughts of her. I have always had it bad in these type of situations even in more tame situations.
Thanks for this. Considering I got anxious even thinking about leaving a comment, why not start right now with the exposure therapy? 😂
HELL YES!! So proud of you!
I just had a complete meltdown at work yesterday. We did a gift exchange and the person who was supposed to bring mine forgot. I cried in my office all day. I came home and went to bed at 5:30. Today i still feel somewhat depressed.
Holy fuck same thing happened to me at secret Santa. Joined a new company and the girl forgot to bring me a present. I teared up and then cried in the toilet 🥹😭 sending so much love
My sister's boyfriend is autistic and we both feel like we hate each other for no reason because of this. My boyfriend is also a very neutral person AND OH MY GOD THE STRESS. I'm slowly getting better because of him. He reaffirms the opposite of what I think is going to happen so I'm basically slowly giving a logical percentage that bad things won't happen. It's still stressful though.
I mostly have my fear of rejection under control these days but one area where it really seems to manifest is when Im cooking for people. The idea of serving something to people that they dont want to eat but just have to suffer through to be polite seems to bring out a knee jerk appologetic response. It's a hard one for me because i really dont like wasting food, but its something i really want to get past
me, being romantically rejected all times during high school, trying to suppress any and all feelings of infatuation with anyone (20 years old, relationshipless and single)
Heyooo, I’m 24 and have never been in a relationship, but I know plenty of people who found true love in their 30’s and beyond. It’s probably more fun because you’re both more mature than when you were in your 20’s. Don’t despair, it’s okay to be patient. Just focus on healing yourself.
my anxiety spike at you doing the exposure therapy is IMMENSE- I don't think I can watch this interaction. It's gonna take me like 20 minutes of prep before I can continue omg
I am used to rejection. I expect it every time. I realized along time ago i was worthless. As that became even more true i accepted, my being worthless. After that i never accepted anyones fake care for me, or fake love. I learned not to care about anyones opinion of me. I hold my own opinion of myself far lower than they do on purpose. So i hold no expectations of others. I judge only myself.
Pretty much the same here, except I haven’t lost the ability to care about what others think of me. It must be hard for people that do care about you to deal with, I have a feeling it will just push them away after a while
the logical part of my brain knows better, but when I am honest about my feelings I always feel like a burden to other people
I have become so proud of "surviving" being rejected that I feel more excited and happy in some situations where I get rejected and actually feel kinda odd when people just say yes like "omg I was not prepared for that lmao" :D awesome video, loved it!
Even when they slightly rise their voice at me I really feel pain and trying to read their mood by their face is just so bad . I'm just like the lyrics of olive Rodrigo " maybe I'm too emotional"😂
my fear of romantic rejection is soo bad. i've found i have a tendency to hide away and obssess instead of actually talking to the person, and then i feel sorry for myself even though its almost always self imposed ... anyone know how I can work on this because I always means to do 'exposure therapy' but when the time comes I feel so sick I can't even bring myself to look at the person. I feel like I hate being percieved as romantically interested in someone even though I know it's so normal 😭 can anyone relate oorrr.....
Yes, I would say you NEED to make yourself engage with this person more. The more actual engagement with them will expose you to their flaws as a person, which will humanize that person. Also you will inevitably be forced to ‘be yourself’ around them because it’s just too exhausting to keep up the illusion.
They NEED to see the real you, and if they happen to not feel strongly about you, then GOOD, now you’re free to go find someone who will feel more strongly about you. You need to entertain the idea that they are actually people out there who you will feel strongly attracted to who WILL reciprocate that. Don’t make the same mistake I did and pine after an unreciprocated love for YEARS before I finally freed myself by admitting to them how I felt. I should have just divulged my feelings ASAP in the beginning so the possibility of rejection would have much less impact and free me to move on and meet someone better for me.
Rejection hurts, it really does, but regret and avoidance is so much more insidious and anemic to your romantic life. To use an medical analogy to describe the emotional weight of it-It’s like the difference between falling off a bike and getting scrapped up and bruised badly (rejection) but making a recovery in a week or month vs. ignoring a chronic injury that stays with you for years and debilitates your quality of life.
Rip the band-aid off. Remember that there is some person out there someday who desperately wants you to feel romantically about them, or who can only fully love you once they see that vulnerability coming from you.
@@bazbuco thank you for replying so in depth 🥺💞
I’m terrified of taking up space or being rude or annoying to others, because I deal so poorly with people who push my bounderies myself. I imagine from the others perspective how horrible it would be if I am the one they are wanting to reject but can’t.
I was just «complimented» for being a people pleaser at work. It works when you are literally a worker (a wage slave) for some buisness owner. But I feel bad about it. I want to be a resource at work for being ME! I’m highly educated and have multiple skills. I’ve studied both philosophy and art history in uni and have an undergraduate degree in art. I can write, think and do aesthetics, and have strong ethical motivation for justice, animal rights and stuff.
I KNOW I’m competent, sensitive to other people and am motivated to engage in the world, but I end up doing almost nothing.
Instead, I people please, hide my knowledge and ideas because they might be challanging or even offensive to society. I WANT to challange society, but I’m scared to. Once I wrote a very mild, kind pro-animal rights article in the local newspaper and was shaky and stressed for A WEEK after because I was terrified of someone talking back, mocking me, thinking I was unpleasant.
THE AUTISTIC NEUTRALITY INTERACTION THING IS SO TRUE WTF
I don't necessarily have any funny stories around rejection sensitivity, but I can definitely relate to a lot of it. Massive changes in my teens between being angry at rejection and mean and the most fragile people pleaser on earth lol. Nowadays I wouldn't say I'm great with it but I try harder to deal with it. The hardest for me is with romantic partners and close friends. Neutral or negative reactions still make me spiral sometimes way out of proportions. Thanks Hayley for bringing this topic up and giving some actionable steps :)
Everyone with ADHD needs to watch this! I wish I saw this when I was growing up.
I definitely experience this. And you are 100% correct in saying that you basically have to force yourself to do the things that cause anxiety in order to retrain your brain. I kinda hate that this is true, but it's the only way forward.
once my boss told me she didnt like an email i sent and i left the office and cried on the street for 30 minutes and then went home. 😑
agree with your points. I think talking about it helps me the most. ive been applying to jobs recently and the thought of saying no to a job offer made me realky anxious because i was worried i would upset the other person. after talking it out i realised I never agreed to take the job when i took the interviews, I was only learning about the job. By saying no im not changing my mind or going back on a promise and I have no obligation to say yes. also even if i was changing my mind, people are allowed to change their minds and jobs are big decisions. i was feeling guilt on top of this because i thought i should feel happy about having an offer instead of nervous and ended up avoiding the whole thing. 🤦
NOOO now I have to do exposure therapy how dare you have good points
I'm just tired of people saying "rejection isn't a big deal", and then inevitably 5 months later, they get rejected and the world crashes around them and they need all the love and support anyone can muster.
I can never go anywhere or do something alone that I've never done before. Basic things like going to a new gas station are near impossible. The garage i usually go to closed and the car check engine light has been on for 3 months but i just don't know what to do. Well i do but I can't bring myself to go to a new place. I research, i read Google reviews, ill even drive by but can't ever call or to in. I never really understood why. I couldn't explain it. It's just terrifying. I also have a bunch of old tech that needs to be recycled but best buy doesn't take it anymore so it's just sitting collecting dust for years now because I'm too afraid to go to the city trash dept to drop it off. 😭
Have you tried asking someone to go with you? Maybe if you've committed to the act by having someone with you who expects you to go, you might feel compelled to follow through and help you get through new things on your first try. Maybe this is a stupid suggestion, but I find having an accountability partner is helpful for me in a lot of areas of life. And people are often willing to do stupid things with you if you buy them lunch or ice cream afterwards!
I actually got diagnosed with a Generalized Anxiety Disorder in college before EVER being partially diagnosed with ADHD. My therapist and I are working on my RSD and it is the most frightening thing I've ever tackled, psychologically 🙃 because I'm a people-pleaser, I mask a majority of the time (can't really unmask), and most of the time, I isolate myself because "there's no point if I'm just going to be a burden." You described just about everything I'm going through, so I hope I can move on from that gradually - like you have! I'm so proud of you!
RSD is insanely hard for me most if the time, so can't wait for the video ❤
I am (self diagnosed and on the waiting list...) Autistic + ADHD. I definitely experience this, including the explosive rage (my poor ex-wife). At New Year this year, my partner said something relatively innocuous that I, by her tone, took as criticism and therefore rejection. I went into an emotional shutdown for the next couple of days, where I couldn't feel anything and we both wondered if it was the end of our (then) 12 year relationship.
i also struggle with explosive rage with RSD. this comment made me feel less alone in that experience and less mean to myself about it, so thank you for sharing
@@justyourlocalrat_ understanding what is going on is half the battle. The other half is acceptance that you are not a horrible person because of it.
Your videos are so lovely! I was diagnosed with ADHD last year at age 27 so I have been exploring trying to like... name these different experiences and I think your channel helps a lot:) I feel like my rejection sensitivity shows up in my professional life when I can't bring myself to network and try to build up my career with strong connections. In my master's program, I have been fortunate enough to be in an internship with a supportive supervisor and they've been helping me introduce myself to all their colleagues. Continues to be extremely nerve wracking but it's been helping me reach out independently sometimes too!
Keep up the good work~
Stop it. This is playing with my reward system so hard.
I want it now
🖤💜💙💚💙💜🖤
Much Love!!!
Worst thing for me is getting RSD from people I don’t actually care about. I distanced myself from a group of friends cause they were too different to me and I often found them boring (in hindsight they were super neurotypical) and then understandably they stopped inviting me to things. They went on holiday without me and I had a meltdown and said some stuff I probably shouldn’t.
Hi!! This is just a little overview of my interaction with this topic, hope it might make someone feel seen and their experience shared. I'm very hesitant to self diagnose anything, but if the coping strategies help? That can only be a positive thing!
I was always good in school, I tried unbelievably hard, often to the detriment of mental health all because I was terrified to look stupid, and above all to disappoint myself. Honestly, the rejection itself is scary and unpleasant, but the real fear comes from the patterns that I know I have and the ways I know I will make myself feel in some situations, even when I know better, I know the rational explanation. I'm not always the best at actioning and believing the more rational theory and then I can end up in an unfortunate spiral of feeling both rejected AND guilty for not getting a good grade in mental health or something. I'm working on it.
I've always wondered why I react so strongly to neutral interactions, very afraid to be perceived as boring or that I'm not picking up on things that I'm doing wrong and that I will lose people as a result (which is even harder to combat when it has been affirmed historically - from both sides of the equation).
Having recently gotten into a romantic relationship, I really struggle to trust that my partner when he tells me that everything is okay and I find myself asking for reassurance that I feel silly for needing and worry that he is privately annoyed at my need for. Anyone can tell you that love is impossible without rejection and communication and difficult conversations, and I have found myself coming up against more of these situations now that I am in a relationship. We are working together to find a balance though, between what I can do to work on being calmer and happier and what he can do to make me feel safe. I think I might show him this video actually, to contextualise for how ive been feeling.
I don't usually find myself debilitated by it in that I avoid situations, as I said, in relationships especially, some level of rejection is unavoidable as you feel out the balance between your partners needs and your own and I think of myself as relatively communicative in most cases, however I do experience arguably debilitating emotions following these scenarios (which I then feel stupid and guilty for experiencing over something I know I can rationalise). Disproportionate pain and sadness mostly, rather than anger. The struggle for me is primarily internal.
Its strange when patterns like this are so ingrained you don't realise that not everyone experiences their everyday like you do. I never understood people who just didn't care what others thought and were happy and fullfilled in their own space without too much consideration for little things that might knock someone like me down for days. It's nice to see that I'm not alone and I hope that someone else might feel seen by my experience too. Best of luck friends, we're all just doing our best to bumble around here being loved and loving and experiencing nice things. Good job so far, you're not alone :>
I once had a colleague walk around, for two whole hours, in and out of the kitchen where i was cooking and baking. Whenever she was within hearing range, she would comment on how nice the bread smelled, and how she was looking forward to lunchtime and getting really hungry. The food was for the preeschoolers that it was our job to take care of. The norm was to bring your own food, but no one would frown on one of the grownups eating some the food made for the kids. There were always enough, and the grownup tasked with serving the kids, would usually eat with them too.
Then another colleague comes by, and comments on how she is hungry, and glad it's lunchtime soon, and my complimenting colleague exclaims that she was so sad, because she forgot her lunch, so the new colleague asks why she doesn't just grab one of the buns i had cooling off on a counter.
Then she says that she wasn't sure if it was okay with me, because she had been hinting at wanting something for two hours, and i hadn't offered or allowed her any.
I nearly bent a rib laughing, because from my perspective all she had done was state the fact that the baking smelled really nice, which i had then agreed with her on, every time she had said it.
I then explained to her (she already knew i had adhd) that i think in a very concrete and straight forward way, and that i had not at all caught her underlying request for food. Her mind was blown, and our other colleague nearly choked on her coffee from laughing.
She then ACTUALLY asked me if she could have something to eat, and i said, sure, no problem, handed her two buns and some butter.
Before my diagnosis i would have probably felt wrong and weird and dumb for missing her cues. I would have worked the remainder of my shift on the brink of a panic attack, and probably not showed up for work again.
But because i have learned how my brain works, i could identify that the breaking point was not my stupidity, but our different styles of communication. I was so happy afterwards, because i didn't feel bad at all about the situation.
And my colleagues way of communicating with me changed after that. They were a bit more accomodating going forward.
I don't think any video ever has touched the very core of my beeing like this one. thank you, like really really thank you for making me see myself and the world in a new light
I am watching this video whilst waiting for people to show up to the first neurodivergent society meeting. I set up the society with my friend, and now it really hurts that no one has turned up.
well if it makes you feel any better, remember that there is for sure a strong likelihood that the ADHD folks in your group have forgotten to attend, or wanted to but found themselves occupied or dysregulated in some way that prevented them from attending
Thank you for addressing this. It helps me. The reactive blaming behaviour of my caregivers teached me to fear not only rejection but unpredictable reactions to my behaviour especially needs in general. What left me feeling rejected. And that it's my fault and that I being myself in trouble by beeing me with people. Resulting in avoiding to be connected with my needs what leaves me without inner orientation, tiptoing around felt minefields. My body remembers and gets stiff and panici again and again. So yeah even if it's not clearly outlined rejection, I'm tend to avoid connecting to prevent making violating experiences and getting blamed for the other person's behaviour again, this video is helpful.
This was me for many decades. I am now 64 and isolated and mildly depressed but it has become a way of life. I had never heard of this before but it makes a lot of sense.
A way that my RSD shows up is when I like someone or find someone attractive. I will not speak to them. I will physically avoid them so I don’t have to talk to them. I’m scared that if I were to flirt or strike up a conversation, they would think I’m a creep or think I’m gross for even trying to speak to them, even though they don’t even know my name😭
I actually called a guy Tyler for 6 months and he never corrected me ~ his name was Dave. He might have had RSD but I did too. I was SO embarrassed that I called him the wrong - COMPLETELY WRONG name for 6 months in college. I was truly horrified, confused and shocked. I still laugh wryly about it. 😆 Life is nuts. 😜
Great video btw. Thank you for the helpful insights. 🙏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
When i feel personaly attaked or hurt by somebody's comment or opinions i usually tell myself "This doesn't mather why are you so upset?" Witch makes me feel like im whinging and makes me mad at myself but now i think i'll try to tell myself "It's okay tnat you're sad but we both know it'll help more to think rationally and we knkw these comments about you are made by people who don't know you" its a longer phrase to remember but ill try my best thanks for this video btw :)
Unfortunately some of us work in bureaucratic systems that don't adapt or accept us but it pays well and we are stuck .. best feeling ever
I literally ignore uni for months because I study arts and I get absolutely disregulated and heartbroken with every neutral or critical comment about my projects😭😭😭
This is a symptom I was not aware off. I am an ADHDist and just had an episode of RSD without knowing it. I was rationalizing my reaction, as always, but now I know why I overreacted so hard. Thank you VERY VERY VERY VERY much.
YOU are AWESOME! (=
I signed up for your course in January. Thank you for pricing your courses at an actually reasonable price!
Of course!! Affordable care is super important!!
@@hayley.honeyman do you have courses for financial need?
I have never felt more called out, I couldn't even watch you asking the server to see the kitchen, I just can't. I always enjoy watching your videos and learn more about myself and others. I also have to be careful tho because there are times where I am not in the right headspace to feel the feels. I hope that last part made sense.
I am grateful for what you do. The more I can learn about myself and why I do what I do, the more I am able to figure this thing called ✨️ functional✨️
Most types of rejection I can handle at this point. It's still painful at first, but I can at least be realistic about how much of it is actually my own fault vs. someone just being an arsehole or something.
Romantic rejection always kills me a bit inside though. Sometimes you expect it, sometimes you get blindsided by it, sometimes it's somehow a mix of both. It's just always terrible.
I get serious anxiety attacks and my depression worsens for months in the best case. I genuinely don't think I ever fully recovered from any time it happened, even if the pain has dulled over time.
It really sucks to feel like you mean something to someone because they invest so much time and effort into you as you do into them, only for them to leave anyway just when you thought you've finally found something meaningful with someone and got attached.
Really makes you wonder if anything was ever there to begin with or if you're the only person capable of caring about someone in the long term.
RSV happens most often when I can't stop myself and wind up sending/asking one more impulsive question to a medical provider, therapist, hair stylist or any other busy person who I'm sure has no time to waste on my stupid shit!
The absolute worst is when I try to do the right thing by my husband and he simply asks for clarification. His very asking brings on RSV!
Hayley, all your videos are so amazing, well done and very entertaining! I don't feel so alone and unworthy listening to your stories of vulnerability and triumph. A friend like you growing up would have made such a difference! Thanks.
The bit where you said "why are there so many people here" really resonated with me as someone who works non-set days.
I got SO MUCH secondhand anxiety when you just SAID the question you were going to ask the server and her response absolutely shocked me. I immediately imagined she would think you were weird or act bothered by it in some way, but she literally didn't care or respond negatively at all! I realize that if I were a server, I would probably be amused by a customer asking that or at least I wouldn't think negatively of them. This video has given me a lot to think about, thank you.
THIS CHANNEL HAS CHANGED MY LIFE THANK YOU
At the age of 32, I was just diagnosed with adhd. As I start this journey of understanding my neurodivergent brain, I've been trying to absorb as much information on the topic as possible. Not yet medicated, I want to, at the very least, figure out what things affect me.
I'm in a leadership position at my work and am up for a management level promotion. As a general supervisor, I have dealt with quite a bit of rejection and push back in my current role. This is video is one of my first introductions with understanding RSD and I just wanted to say how much I appreciate the effort you put into this content. I don't really have a community I can connect with on the subject. So, Taylor (not Tyler), thank you for being you and for all that you do.
as someone with rsd and has been self sabotaging lately because of it, this is helping me cope so much :) its so nice to see it being talked about more, i feel so understood
everybody is lovable, unless they choose to act in certain ways. then at that point it´s up to them to figure out why other people are not as close to them as they´d like, and boom u got massive evolution of the self and no need for self doubt
I am autistic and I have noticed this in so many things. Most recently it got very much in the way because of me being scared of asking questions at my new job. In the past I got by because I'm really quick at getting the hang of something or to figure it out myself. As for my new job is really complicated I got myself in trouble for not asking questions as I was working so hard to understand the difficult material while trying to not make any mistakes so that I worked myself into burnout in 6 months of working there.
once someone called me annoying, just once, and I shut down and stopped talking to them for THREE MONTHS! for me rejection is a thousand times harder to handle when it's someone I know and love, which this person was. even though I don't think it's nice or kind to call people annoying, I understand now that my reaction was probably incongruous with the severity of the situation
The mere thought of asking someone to see the kitchen freaks me out to the extent that I didn’t even want to experience it vicariously, so this video is most definitely relevant to my struggles.
This was so soooo helpful. I have dealt with this my whole life, uncontrollably sobbing whenever I perceive rejection at school, home, and the workplace. People keep telling me to toughen up and stop being a baby, but the reality is I can’t control it. I love how you explain that the solution is to own it and surround yourself with a supportive community, while also working on exposure therapy and rewiring those negative thoughts. I think the “support” and “acceptance” factors are really the biggest game changers in this journey.
Having this group of people is something everyone deserves.❤ I'm happy for you, you found your tribe ☺️
Just found your channel. Thanks for the helpful videos! I like this premiere and chat format. Video suggestions: A video on tips for exercising and drinking more water. I only did about 10 walks this year and not really any toning workouts. Also a video about planners/ to- do list methods, for example, some people use a daily planner, weekly planner, just a monthly calendar, or a daily, weekly, or monthly list on a piece of paper. Maybe productivity experiments like Erin floto designs in her time management vlogs tried different time management methods, Living like Leila has a video a week of pomodoros, and PetuniaRose in her video called Building a routine am and pm routines mentioned at about 7 minutes into the video about her theme days.
Wow it's so relatable that you said you need a daily, weekly, monthly planner. I'm looking at getting the same things for myself so I can be more successful at school and life generally lol. It's validating to know that it's not necessarily my fault when I'm burnt out or overwhelmed, also loving the ADHD community for support 💜
if you want to drink more water just buy a new water bottel and be hipper focust on it voor 2 weeks. 😂 jk it does work but its really expensive.
i think i really needed to hear about this struggle without any judgement attached to it, because i tend to beat myself up for it. this video gave me that, so thank you
A year ago I did something for me that accidentally ended up resulting in quite a bit of exposure therapy:
I dyed my hair purple.
I am terribly self-conscious, I used to feel like I was being observed and judged all the time (I still am to an extent).
Now, because of my funky colorful hair I _know_ I'm being watched, and I'm learning to be comfortable with it and not associate it with negative judgment because 99% of the time it's not (and even sometimes it's actually explicitly positive), and I want to use this experience as a gateway towards bolder expressions of my personality, like with clothes, or even tattoos 😱 (which you have now made me realize the main reason I haven't got one yet is RSD, I have a major fear of contacting an artist and having them think I'm dumb because I'm not entirely sure what I want... Or that what I want is dumb)
Thank you Hayley ! Thank you so much this helps me a lot with understanding my RSD connected to my ADHD a lot better. I've really been struggling at work and I think RSD plays a major role. I love how much courage you demonstrated ! Sending love!
I hate how my fear with rejection has developed like a self defense mechanism. As soon as I like someone, I just go the other way or pretend they don't even exist.
One time, there was this girl that I really liked and she always used to sit next to me in class. One day she borrowed my pen and mentioned that it was pretty. So my stupid self thought it was a good idea to buy a new pen and give it to her. I bought the pen. I was so scared to give her the pen that I didn't go to class for a whole month. The day I finally decided to go I was so nervous and thought about all the ways I could give it to her. When the class ended, everybody started leaving and I just put the pen on the table an told her "look you said the other day that you liked it, so... There you go" and then just ran away. She went after me and tried to ask me how she could pay me back I just ran away. I was shivering, I wasn't even myself. And since then I just avoid her at all costs.
But somehow, I can't help it. Like I just shut down. I don't know how to explain it. I just know it really hurts.
Thank you so much for this video and explanation. I always feel a crippling sense in my chest and ribs when my parents tell me to ask for something in a store I've even reached the point of running away, hiding and crying because of it. They never understand how emotionally painful it is to fucking raise my hand to call the waiter at a restaurant or to ask for the price in a store, let alone make friends with deep connections. So to see that there is a name to it and people that have felt it makes me very happy. Keep up the good work!
We all came out winning in the end, we either gained a new perspective, know what's going on in our heads and YOU know what a kitchen looks like now
Please, please, please! Don’t beat yourself up if exposure therapy doesn’t work for you!! I have asd/adhd and I experience rsd. I work with the general public EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. and I still have issues. Some days are waaay better than others for sure, but I’ve never solved my RSD with that piece of the puzzle. It actually makes my asd symptoms worse if I’m already having a hard day or whatever. I spend hours with my clients, and some days, even though I’ve been doing this for ten years, and in my 32nd year on this earth, it still gets me. It’s not, not worth trying, if you maybe haven’t, but even with serious analysis, (understanding that no one really cares, etc) a family that supports me no matter what, and therapy, too much social interaction can be too much, especially with RSD.
You're not alone. Only worked in retail, and I still have similar issues.
Just found this channel. Honestly, the most validating thing for me was watching you play with the little foldable magnets in your hand. (watching you play with it also helped me focus on what you were saying better too. Without it, I kept losing focus.) I've always done this but been shamed for doing so by so many that I stopped. But when I don't have some minor non-thought task to do, I can't concentrate. This is especially true if the conversation requires emotions and/or vulnerability. I had to specifically tell my last partner that I need this and that I can't make eye contact if we are having a tough conversation. Luckily, she understood and didn't make a stink about it which was so relieving. Turns out, I have great emotional intelligence if I'm allowed to deal with emotions in my own way.
the amount of anxiety i had FOR you through my RSD is alarming. Its definitely been something Ive been working on but sheesh. You give me motivation to be more brave thats for sure ❤
Thank you so much for making this video!
This is good. One of your best videos. All the advice was so perfectly said and actually very helpful. It reassured me that I’m doing the right thing and that I’m not crazy. So thank you🙏🏾 I love my mother still but I’ve had to deal with a lot and still deal with a love of internal issues like a lack of confidence in myself as a woman. As soon as as I move out and get enough income in going to get therapy☺️
thank you for this! really hits home.
Omg I didn’t know this was a thing. I have anxiety with random things and never grouped them together before but now I can. I hate giving gifts, cooking/baking for people, handing out resumes (crippling right now), having people read any kind of writing I do..etc. Now that I know I can work on it slowly, thanks!
this is so helpful, thank you so much 💜
this is largely unrelated to the info in the video but your living room looks so cozy
I have this and went to school for design and wow. It was so hard BUT in the long run, I am so much better for it. Having constant critique given to me for 4 years really pushed me through this, even if it meant I had to run to the bathroom to cry a few times. I still struggle with it and work on it, but in the last year I can really feel the difference.
Obie!!! So cute indeed!!
The example of interpreting a neutral reaction as an actually negative reaction really resonated with me as someone on the spectrum. It is *so hard* to tell what other people are *really* thinking and feeling and saying behind the literal meaning of their spoken or written words, so any time I hear “A” I have to question whether what’s *really* being said is anything between “B” to “Z”. People can be so confusing that it seems like anything is possible, which creates great anxiety, which leads to fearing or assuming the worst possible interpretation.
u're killing it!! - a new sub
lol, I love your CEO yawning. Love the information. Keep up the great work.
When I was in middle school (the worst part of growing up), I was a magnet for bullies. Talk about RSD. OMG!!
After a while, you start to believe them.
I have accidentally stumbled on the solutions suggested here after a very miserable few social experiences in secondary school, just since the people I’ve met through being an adult (work and Uni and social life out in public) have been so good to me, and as a result I find I am more confident in front of customers, more confident in front of other strangers, etc.
The biggest thing for me to overcome with RSD is in the department of romance, which is daunting even to the most neurotypical of people at first too.
Thank you for this. I just had a really bad experience with this the other day and I was feeling so upset with myself.
Omg. I feel so thankful this video was recommended to me. I've called myself a people pleaser my whole life. I don't correct people all the time because I don't want to make them feel dumb. Romantically, I have the same feelings that they don't like me for completely neutral and normal behavior. Thank you.
You're an amazing person. Thanks for the video, it explains a lot for myself.
I stayed in this music program that I was put into in third grade for 10 years. The first 5 I barely knew how to read music and would mimic eveyone around me so no one would view me as stupid. That was the end of the world for me. All of those kids thinking I was stupid and the teacher so I just mimicked for like 4 or 5 years until I understood music enough to start figuring it out for myself
woah appreciate this so much!!
This is the first time I've heard of rsd and omg it fits my brain perfectly.