I find it interesting Narcissists just want "Let's just forgive, move on and not discuss it." Um. No. Speak your truth, let them do what they do, understand by observing what they're doing, then move on.
Yep. I had just been told by my 22 y.o. Daughter who was disowned by her father that her dad was a narcissist. Everything she told me he was doing was what a narcissist does. I started watching , and became horrified. Then, in confronting him, I told him that she thought he was a narc. He immediately denied it. The next morning he told me that he took two online tests for a narcissist, and they were very low percentages of positivity. He has controlled me for 33 years, all under the term of safety. He constantly second-guessed any decision or idea I had. Manipulation and the victim mentality were happening too. Once my eyes were open, I started seeing all of these. He now can't get away from me fast enough. After he realized he was getting NOTHING from me anymore. I have still had so much confusion bc I wanted to believe in his fantasy of himself. But, after he left, I've had a lot of peace, and I'm getting to know myself again.
Know yourself, if you have empathy, have always ssked about their emotional needs, considered their point, asked how they have felt, or been emotionally supportive and present, and never called them crazy, etc then you can't be the narcissist. You display emotional inteligente and empathy which if it is lacking is a defining features of narcissism.
Once, I eventually discovered that the guy I had an intimate connection with was, in fact, a narcissist.The advice seemed to be not to ever tell them they are a narcissist, especially given apprantly ,most aren't aware .The ironic thing is ,he eventually accused me of being one.Needless to say ,I was initially speechless. Then my next reaction was to laugh and think..not so unexpected. It's projection at its finest .
I told him he actually told me why can’t I ignore his very clear mental health issues abusive behaviour etc… he knows there is something wrong he just refuses to do anything about it .
"It wasn't my intention to..." yup, heard that one loads of times... Narcs love to play dumb like they don't know what they're doing...they know damn well..the finest actors out there, except they don't get paid a salary for it.. I did call mine out thinking it would spark a change, of course I got called the narcissist... everything you said in this video is exactly what she did... agreed she had some traits... then claimed to do research and go to therapy to get a therapists approval that she isn't one... yet the zero accountability, justifications, double standards, hypocrisy, defensiveness etc stayed throughout.. I'm glad I eventually accepted the reality of who she was and got myself out... thanks for your videos, they help with confirmation and validation of the experiences many of us have gone through, thinking we were alone and not enough for someone we thought was our soulmate...
They typically refuse to admit anything they do wrong, neglectful or harmful to another. I always ended up in some damn quarrel with my narcissistic wife and her mother. Neither could own anything they did that harmed me in any way. I was the one who was faulted and seen as doing wrong constantly. Many sleepless nights; going to work tired all day, and returning to the dance and cycle of the narcissists and their nightmare world. 😭
Have you ever heard stories of Narcisissits doubling down on claiming the other person is an abuser? Like claiming that they've been abused, they're having to see a therapist and claiming that the other person is severe NPD, has mental issues and claiming full victim status? As a means of avoiding being in therapy and being held mutually accountable?
I never used the word. I pointed out the abuse, but never referenced narcissism. In fact, I didn't start learning about it until I got out of the mess. Then, the narcissists in my life (3 of them) called me a narcissist (they were talking amongst themselves), had me gaslighting myself and feeling like I was losing my mind. So glad to finally be at peace, working on growth and healing.
I so relate to this. My husband, both parents, one sister and my former best friend of 2 decades were all hardcore narcissists. They had me committed to mental hospitals, told me all these years that I was mentally unstable, manipulative, selfish, diabolical, irrational, etc., until I finally tried to "end it" multiple times. They had me believing that I was such a monster and burden that the right thing to do, if I loved them, was to remove myself from their lives, thinking they'd be happy and whole if not for me. My ex husband would even tell me "what are the odds that we're ALL wrong about you? Even your closest family agree with me. They convinced me that anyone that said otherwise was wrong or lying to me. It took me many years to figure out, thanks to a few key people, that the simple fact that I spent all those years jumping onto every grenade and bending over backwards trying to bring them peace and happiness showed I wasn't a narcissist, but quite the opposite, an empath. It was a staggering revelation. I realized that all the things they called me crazy for, like being honest, calling out lying, pettiness or hypocrisy, weren't what made me crazy, they only made me crazy because I was around people with no qualms about hurting people! It's so much harder to figure out what's happening and not blame yourself when everyone around you is like this.
@@nicoleowens2318 oh. em. gee. It's like they have some kind of freaking handbook that they follow, word for word! I am so sorry you went through all of that...and that you/we have to spend the rest of our lives healing from the aftermath. I heard so much of the same. "There's something wrong with you. You need help. You're crazy. You're making me crazy..." It took looking from the outside in, and months of therapy to see the light. I almost checked myself in ..and out. The mental anguish can't possibly be understood by anyone who hasn't experienced it. It's evil, it really is. Most recently, I'm 'bitter and unforgiving' as well as 'unlovable and a horrible person'. Peace out. ✌️ Zero contact. I don't have time for anyone in my life who can't reciprocate love and honesty. I'm gonna love myself enough for all of them. (((HUGS)))
When I told my previous narc he was a narc, he flipped back onto me. But, I was done with him at that point; didn't care. When I told my most recent narc he was a narc, he flipped it back onto me. When I told my narc brother he was a narc, he went silent; but he loves being silent with me. But, I wasn't wrong. Narcs are THICK in my life, but I'm weeding them out, or they're discarding me. Either way, they're going. Going, going, gone, good! 👏🏼
He told me I want him to admit he is a narcissist so I don't have to take accountability for anything. I said I take accountability for everything as it is all my fault as you say. I want you admit it so you can get the help you need
Two statements made to 2 people got this reply. You are a liar. "But I would never lie to you." You are a narc, "I never said anything bad about you." Thanks for this video. A problem at work involving lying executives must be resolved.
He definitely called me narcissist not him. Then he acted like such the victim saying his been traumatized and had PTSD from our relationship. So I don't really say anything anymore but I'm still educating myself and I don't have the means now but very soon I should and plan on leaving
I did and he told me I was one and that I believe he’s also a sociopath (which I NEVER said). Then, his mother accused me of being one in front of my kids and posted passive aggressively about me on Facebook (narcissistic post), as well as his aunt (multiple times). Lesson learned. He did tell me he thinks there’s something wrong with him but he’s worse than he’s ever been.
People are generally forgiving of narcissists, even though they’re aware they’re enabling them for the sake of peace. However, people also have their limits, and fallout is inevitable.
Mine is so emotionally underdeveloped, he doesn't argue he sits like a child, arms crossed and says phrases reminiscent of child playing in a sandbox with other kids, saying I'm going home and taking my toys with me! He will try to change aspects of something that happened, so all the memories fit him as being right, I've complained for years, you don't get to twist the truth in order to be right.. or he will pout through the whole conversation and suddenly just walk out, saying I don't feel the need to talk bad about you, just another gaslight to bring the end to the conversation when I get too close to his accountability.
If you have been accountable for your actions and validated your partners feelings and have even changed certain behavior to help improve your relationship and feel genuine empathy to your partner in pain, you’re not narcissistic.. If you point out the consistent times you validate your partner and have accepted accountability that is a reality check..
Mine used the "If you think I'm a narcissist then I guess I can't get healed. I'll always be that way. That's what all the articles say." He turned it around to make me feel bad and make ME convince HIM that he wasn't a narcissist and maybe it was just narcissistic traits...It was crazy. He did this with everything. Anything bad or negative about him would be turned into a relationship-ending issue if I pushed for change. He always knew how to make me do what he wanted out of fear. I would either have to let him be or do what he wanted, or he would leave me. I have many memories of him telling me during an argument that he would rather continue doing certain things than stay with me. In other words, I had to continue letting him do it or he'd leave me. But of course, later he would go back to saying how much he cared about me and continue to plan a marriage with me. Not a good or healthy place for a co-dependent person(me). He really took advantage of my fear of abandonment that I had told him about in our moments where he would just sit and listen to me share about my past. I didn't have a clue how much he would use it to manipulate me. He is a covert, btw. He was always the victim. If he wasn't doing things in a healthy way, it was always someone or something else's fault or responsibility. Later I saw in his history (he gave me access to "pretend prove" that he wasn't lying anymore) that he had looked up videos like, "When a narcissist calls you a narcissist." He had already completely denied the idea of being a narcissist and deflected it onto me. After seeing this I thought maybe I was a narcissist and was really upset for a while thinking maybe I could be but as I kept researching, I realized that I wasn't. That's when I learned I deal with co-dependency. I am getting healing. Every now and then I still get freaked out thinking maybe I was wrong, then I just go back through the process and remind myself of what really happened. Listening to videos from Ben and others really helps a lot if I get discouraged. "Changing the story you believe."
Ya i told me ex gf narc she was as a narcissist and she said and i quote “ I didn’t do anything wrong , you should nit be saying such things “. Meanwhile her daughter told me she was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder , and i said well you can add a narccist to that diagnosis i would even say she is NPD instead or a combo of both ….when she’s told me she did nothing wrong I knew then and there I was dealing with a deranged individual I did not respond back I just changed my cell number , blocked her from eveything blocked all her friends blocked everyone she was associate with and I tell you it has been great , I feel much better I’m healthier , happier I’m all around doing much better …
I went no contact 3 months ago with an ex boyfriend who I remained friends with. He lives 6 hrs away. I had visited 3 months ago as a friend and saw all the signs and behaviors of narcissism. I broke no contact to tell him he should learn about narcissism and I think he is one. Then blocked him again. I feel guilty for breaking no contact but I have accepted that it’s over and no chance for a future. I guess I wanted to have hope that the he could accept it grow and change for himself not for me. Telling him what I think is all I can do the rest is up to him. I’m done for good. No more breaking no contact.
My ex went so far as to have me sign a contract in order to allow me to meet with his psychologist in therapy so that I could “help” him. He manipulated the psychologist to think that I was the narcissist. When I met with the psychologist he was acting negatively towards me until he ask me what I wanted. I said that I wanted a divorce but was afraid of what he would do if he finally understood that I was leaving him. At that point his psychologist looked at me like a deer in headlights. He said clearly that if you want to stay married to my ex spouse (narc) then it would be very long therapy with very little progress. I will never forget his words. My ex was furious with his psychologist and wanted to report him. So my ex was trying to flip it on me.
Mine always says, "What makes YOU such and expert to say what it is I'm doing???" I don't fall for it though, if anything, I call out the behavior right then and there.
Never denied it to me. In fact he had told me he was someone with no empathy. He said he was not built that way. Then i asked him if he thought he could be a narcissist or a sociopath and he replied ...Maybe... however he lives in denial regarding other situations where he needed to be accountable
A little over a year ago, i had (very ignorantly and ill prepared) suggested to my wife that she might have narcissistic traits and to maybe talk to her therapist about it. I would say it was a huge mistake but, since then and after being called a narcissist over and over, i decided to stop drinking, look at my life through sober eyes and really examine myself, and research what narcissistic traits actually look like. I found that i haven’t always been the nicest person all the time and i can also see (and articulate) the manipulation tactics being used on me (by her). I’m now careful to not be so emotionally reckless, and the healthier i approach situations, the more toxicity i see in her. My new education has enabled me to establish healthier boundaries and protect them. I wouldn’t say it’s making this relationship better (it takes two) but, at least i’ve begun to see it for what it is and try to do my part.
After surviving a near decade of Munchhausen’s by Proxy, at the hands of my “caretaker” mother, it came out my grandmother, whom we ended up taking care of and placed in memory care was diagnosed with psychosis and NPD, back in the 90’s. This all happened right as I began getting back on my feet, better than ever before; and began to gain financial independence. I have brought up the narcissism in my family, when things got bad with my mother, for over half a decade (thankfully, I dated a narcissist before I got sick and that’s how I learned what one was - thanks to his new “fiancé,” mere months after we broke up). Goodness, what a revelation. Man, it’s been WONDERFUL to have that diagnoses as a, legitimate, power-play card, after everything this woman put me through. She is on her BEST behavior. Though, she is getting what she wants, in some ways, also. Whatever. I don’t really care, either way, about her karma. All I care about is my own means to an end, and achieving my goals. Which, do not include her. And why I am working on breaking the trauma bond. I don’t always have the best object permanence, thankfully. Distance is what I am working towards, most. Though, also, I do not have the emotional inclination for revenge or what have you- being I have limited/shallow capacity for certain emotions, also. Which, I do not believe are mutually exclusive to narcissistic abuse - at least, not directly. Perhaps by proxy. And with that, it has been fascinating to come to the realization, throughout all this, that with the DID I have been diagnosed with - one of my two alters (then me, the main observer/system operator/“caretaker”) is on the psychopathic spectrum, whom plays the role of “the protector”; while the other is “the innocent.” Much like a mother, father, child dynamic. I call us The Holy Trinity, lol. Not all psychopaths have a disregard or lack of value for human life and it’s well-being, even with a lack of emotional empathy. It’s that lack of emotion that allows me to excel and doing what needs to get done - though, I am intelligent enough to understand people need to be treated humanely, in order to get ‘em to do what One desires. Though, it’s a matter of learn how to do so. It’s not necessary to feel anything for someone, to be good to them. However, I don’t always have danger/fear alarm bells - they can malfunction, from time to tome. Maintenance is workin’ on ‘em. Even most neuraltypical people don’t know how to treat most people in a humane manner, nowadays, in all honesty. I was raised an only child and spent most of my time alone, neglected by mother and step-father - with really only my grandmother’s attention; and minimal long-term friendships. I suppose my alters have been developing into my ideal family, in a way. During my illness, the innocent alter was always at the forefront, in order to be able to get necessary medical care; though, she always had the psychopath “protector” in her ear, guiding her - because that was the only way to survive; while, also, having a great time playing my narcissistic mother’s game.. And the “caretaker” - me - being so stressed-out, attempting to appease my mother, while, also.. Having a debilitating capacity to attempt to be a homemaker, while horrifically ill. Allowing myself to spiral into absolute chaos, confusion, and pain. It was making my entire system sick. However, I still played the game - because I always knew I would win. I knew God was on my side. All the signs were and are still there. A sadistic narcissist will never outsmart a psychopath - because we will survive and thrive out of pure spite, by being willing to play the same game, and feeling very little, in the process. I knew exactly when I was depriving my mother of attention, and when I was giving it - and what the results would be. It was fascinating to observe. Psychopaths tend to succeed, because they don’t always have the emotional charges - it’s more of a cognitive rush. At least, it is for me. I survived my mother and am thriving, out of pure spite. Even though it nearly killed me, in the process. I still won.
He never denied it, perhaps he is an aware. Very hard to distinguish. A lot of my high school crowd ended up as somatic narcissists, they float from best friend to replacement, so I never bothered telling any of them. Their kids never did anything amazing or had any unusual talents. It got boring to listen to the narcissist bragging about taking their children to the playground etc. Only so many times can I listen to their body insecurities, somatics are worse for me because there isn't much to the conversation.
Narcissiam caries a negative connotation. Narcissist, do not accept but reflect anything they consider negative about them. I made the decision to tell her, you're a narcissist. Bad decision. It was reflected back, accusing me of being the narcissist. Thinking of telling them they're a narcissist. Rethink it. Then quietly plan your exit strategy. Once you know you go! Don't remain in misery, and waste your time . The longer you stay the deeper your wound will be when you eventually leave. As they progressively get worse and more abusive. I don't wish what I went through on any good loving person.
When i called her a narcissist.. time went by, learnt as much about it as she could, playing dumb - one of her roles in life, upon next encounter playing even dumber saying " what's that word you called me??.. uh...narci..ssist...?", Thinking we're dumber, going to fall for "we live in the dark ages you create - there's no internet" life pulling the wool off our eyes or so they think...in front of who they really need to keep for supply, playing dumb.."what is a narcissist.. that word you said.." .. gobsmacked nearly, blood nearly boiling, that's her.. studying narcissism nonstop then acting dumb, gaslighting right?
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I wish I would have gotten this piece of advice before I told my narcissist he's a narcissist it resulted in flat out abuse gaslighting narcissistic salad
It was claimed that it was "emotional abuse" my telling him but he never denied it, ever. Would hear narc bragging about his future plans, whether he is aware is hard to tell. He's not all bad, but certainly is one, covert/malignant. Even a psychic picked my narcissists' energy up as being attached to my person. She had to tell me whatever energy she was picking up. It's interesting how some of them became aware.
I think the best route might be to start slowly with can they admit to small traits but not go full fledge telling them their narcs. Once they start to somewhat develop then start talking about other traits they have and work on that as one block at a time. Till they see something and can maybe and when I say maybe that’s what I mean that they can go to the next step.
In childhood. They are usually young children who were hurt my a parent. Often a narcissistic parent. Things happened that made them feel worthless, not good enough, wrong for how they are. And then, no adult was there to support them through the situation and help their sense of self develop in the right direction. This is the first them they encounter shame, and essentially drown in shame about who they are. To avoid the feelings of shame as a child, they adopt maladaptive strategies, like disassociating from who they are (the hurt person) to associating themselves with their “envisioned better self”. Essentially, they put their true self in a cage inside their own body and go through life convincing themselves they really are the ego version they are presenting to the world. Essentially they do to themselves the very thing they do to others. Treat their true self (filled with shame) like they don’t exist. Aren’t a human being. And gaslight themselves.
My online narcissist devalued me and that pushed me over the edge (i am an INFJ) and I became dark. I emailed her spelling out all the love bombing and devaluation. All the lies and hell she put me through. How all of her words of love and affection were manipulations. I listed every thing in the Narcissist playbook and showed her with her own words that this is exactly who you are.. I told her it is sad to make a career out breaking hearts and that her narcissism was destroying her without her knowledge and unless she gets therapy it will destroy her totally. I told her I was done and will pray for her. She replied in the email......Okay. Stay true to your word and don't text me again. I responded....Okay. Goodbye.
Appreciate you sharing your story. It must have been really tough. I'd love to invite you to our free masterclass where you can learn how to break free from toxic relationships. Just head over to www.rawmotivations.com/masterclass.
It was a waste of time writing all that… they love that they created so much emotion in you that you would be compelled to write such a lengthy message… you just made them feel important, that they matter. Negative fuel is just as good as positive fuel to them. She has already gaslit herself absolving her of any wrong doing. Just go full no contact and move on… that is what truly invalidates them.
When I told my narcissistic husband that I thought he is narcissistic he retreated for some time and came back with a diagnosis for me of borderline personality disorder which he felt was out of control and made him look like a narcissist
Yeeeeah, t'was NOT a good situation telling him that he's a covert narcissist. In addition to that, he and his family started watching you and the like videos and using it AGAINST ME!! In other words, USE EXTREME CAUTION!! He and his flying monkeys flipped it and told me I was one!!
Mine never actually denied it. Was weirder yet his ex-girl friend I met was also a covert narcissist. I imagine I would get this 'I'm not, you are' if I ever told any of my shelved somatic narcissist friends they are one. I still either get smeared or praised in gossip depending on whatever my narcissist is currently up to.
Mine doesnt even say anything when I say that. Or he’ll go back and fourth, I’m not a sociopath, maybe I’m a sociopath, no baby I’m not. And he says his ex wife was a narc, I personally think they both were narcs
Hi Ben, thank you so much for your videos!! Would I be punished by my Narc if I start to ghost her?? Have you ever been ghosted by someone close to you and how did you respond to that if it ever happened to you? Thanks, again
Go no contact. Problem solved "Your" narc is already smearing you, cheating on you, lying to you, etc. Sorry for the bad news. If they are in your life due to shared custody or something like that, no contact may not be possible. Learn grey rocking. Most importantly, you were selected for a reason and have codependent issues to resolve. They did you a favor. Now you can begin your healing journey.
I was recently so shocked by my ex gf that she agrees she might be one. She came back after discarding me, and running off with someone else, A very narcissistic side came out of her towards the end and through the break up, lies, insults, defensiveness etc. After 3mths with another woman, she’s come back to try and make us work. Stayed with her for a few days. We had some big fights and I told she’s an narcissist. She was angry, defensive like it etc. The next afternoon, everything was calm. She comes to me and says she thinks I might be right about what I said she had . I am still puzzled. I’m finding it hard to find any information about this. Is she not one? Because she agreed, does she think it will win me back, or has she realise she might be. I’ve had people tell me they would change be better in the future, but no one ever got herself into therapy .
Haha I told here and provide a definition 😉She sad wow this is the things what I am feeling and doing. Than played the victim 😉. I told here , it’s okay you are you and maybe you can find help and more happy life. But I will not be part of it. After this message I blocked all communication with here and all people connected with here.
How can a narcissist help you if they have mental disabilities and doesn't know empathy or Love? I understand they can teach people the tricks of what they do and how to keep away. But as a counselor, this makes me laugh. No offense
I am a man. And I was traumabonded by a man, who is a religious narcissist. And a few months after he discarded me, I found that he is a narcissist, and I called him a narcissist publicly, but indirectly. And three months after that, he said in my presence, and in the presence of his other friends, "He is the cleverest person I have ever seen".
I told my ex he was a narcissist, big mistake, and he posted a video on Facebook about female narcissists. I just laughed because I don't care what he thinks. Overall, it made him a better narcissist if that makes sense. I honestly think I've been confusing my ex as a narcissist because I just looked up sociopathic traits and he falls under that more than narcissism.
He would say,"oh you don't know what's going on right now." In such a patronizing way. "you're a nut. I've never met anyone who acts like you do. People don't do this. Something is seriously wrong with you." All for confronting a lie or cheating or manipulation. He also says I'm ruining everything. He just wants one normal day but I won't allow it. I called him a narc twice. This past time he said, "yeah well this narcissist is crying out to God to fight for our family in the spiritual. What are you doing?"
It's been over 5 months... And yet, for some reason, I still can't bring myself to block him... My soul is raped. I want to die. I'm desperate for RADICAL CHANGE. 5 months ago, I came out of an abusive friendship/"situationship"... When he'd get mad/upset/hurt/whatever: he'd give me the silent treatment. REMINDER TO SELF: Reasons for narcissistic silent treatment: * Stonewalling * Gaslighting * Emotional immaturity * Lack of interpersonal skill * Victimhood * Dysregulation * Doing to me, what was done to him * Terrified of conflict * Not knowing any other way * Fear/panic/anxiety/terror * Desperation * Power over * Regaining a (false) sense of control * Punishment He raped my soul: brutally viciously violently maliciously. Every night: nightmares. Every day: panic attacks. I want to die. Every morning I wake up in despair, desperately praying to die. I can no longer bear the pain. He's given me severe PTSD. Severe! Severe! Severe! How and when will I ever heal? God, as I walk through this hell and heartache and grief, I pray you guide and direct and hold me... I won't be stuck in hell anymore. Enough is enough!!! It's time to be free: in Jesus's name! I’m giving my life to Jesus! 100%!
OK, so you say that you are a narc Mr. Raw motivations are you still married? And if so, what was your breakthrough? Please let me know that because I’m married to one right now, who is an absolute denial and has said everything that you’re saying and he qualifies for all nine on the chart didn’t know that you only needed five, but he certainly does all of them.
They gaslight you telling you’re the one who are narcissistic and make you feel low by insulting you as it boosts their evil ego
I find it interesting Narcissists just want "Let's just forgive, move on and not discuss it." Um. No. Speak your truth, let them do what they do, understand by observing what they're doing, then move on.
Glad you asked. I spelled it out in 500 word text message and said my goodbye. Never heard another word. No response. 2 years have passed.
He turned it back around on me and accused me of being the narcissist.
Yep. I had just been told by my 22 y.o. Daughter who was disowned by her father that her dad was a narcissist. Everything she told me he was doing was what a narcissist does. I started watching , and became horrified. Then, in confronting him, I told him that she thought he was a narc. He immediately denied it. The next morning he told me that he took two online tests for a narcissist, and they were very low percentages of positivity. He has controlled me for 33 years, all under the term of safety. He constantly second-guessed any decision or idea I had. Manipulation and the victim mentality were happening too. Once my eyes were open, I started seeing all of these. He now can't get away from me fast enough. After he realized he was getting NOTHING from me anymore. I have still had so much confusion bc I wanted to believe in his fantasy of himself. But, after he left, I've had a lot of peace, and I'm getting to know myself again.
Before watching, saw the title and thought, "They deflect with drama, then call you a narcissist every time you argue from then till eternity."
Know yourself, if you have empathy, have always ssked about their emotional needs, considered their point, asked how they have felt, or been emotionally supportive and present, and never called them crazy, etc then you can't be the narcissist. You display emotional inteligente and empathy which if it is lacking is a defining features of narcissism.
Once, I eventually discovered that the guy I had an intimate connection with was, in fact, a narcissist.The advice seemed to be not to ever tell them they are a narcissist, especially given apprantly ,most aren't aware .The ironic thing is ,he eventually accused me of being one.Needless to say ,I was initially speechless. Then my next reaction was to laugh and think..not so unexpected. It's projection at its finest .
Mirrors not Gaslight
Sounds almost
ROMANTIC
Lol
I told him he actually told me why can’t I ignore his very clear mental health issues abusive behaviour etc… he knows there is something wrong he just refuses to do anything about it .
"It wasn't my intention to..." yup, heard that one loads of times... Narcs love to play dumb like they don't know what they're doing...they know damn well..the finest actors out there, except they don't get paid a salary for it.. I did call mine out thinking it would spark a change, of course I got called the narcissist... everything you said in this video is exactly what she did... agreed she had some traits... then claimed to do research and go to therapy to get a therapists approval that she isn't one... yet the zero accountability, justifications, double standards, hypocrisy, defensiveness etc stayed throughout.. I'm glad I eventually accepted the reality of who she was and got myself out... thanks for your videos, they help with confirmation and validation of the experiences many of us have gone through, thinking we were alone and not enough for someone we thought was our soulmate...
They typically refuse to admit anything they do wrong, neglectful or harmful to another.
I always ended up in some damn quarrel with my narcissistic wife and her mother.
Neither could own anything they did that harmed me in any way. I was the one who was faulted and seen as doing wrong constantly.
Many sleepless nights; going to work tired all day, and returning to the dance and cycle of the narcissists and their nightmare world. 😭
Mein Stonewalled me, till today. 😂❤
Have you ever heard stories of Narcisissits doubling down on claiming the other person is an abuser? Like claiming that they've been abused, they're having to see a therapist and claiming that the other person is severe NPD, has mental issues and claiming full victim status? As a means of avoiding being in therapy and being held mutually accountable?
Yes to manipulate and control yea
When I told my ex that she may have borderline personality disorder, she told me that I was gaslighting her.
Mine told me casually well he was driving, that he was a narcissist......a while later I told him he was a narcissist and he denied it.
I never used the word. I pointed out the abuse, but never referenced narcissism. In fact, I didn't start learning about it until I got out of the mess. Then, the narcissists in my life (3 of them) called me a narcissist (they were talking amongst themselves), had me gaslighting myself and feeling like I was losing my mind. So glad to finally be at peace, working on growth and healing.
I so relate to this. My husband, both parents, one sister and my former best friend of 2 decades were all hardcore narcissists. They had me committed to mental hospitals, told me all these years that I was mentally unstable, manipulative, selfish, diabolical, irrational, etc., until I finally tried to "end it" multiple times. They had me believing that I was such a monster and burden that the right thing to do, if I loved them, was to remove myself from their lives, thinking they'd be happy and whole if not for me. My ex husband would even tell me "what are the odds that we're ALL wrong about you? Even your closest family agree with me. They convinced me that anyone that said otherwise was wrong or lying to me. It took me many years to figure out, thanks to a few key people, that the simple fact that I spent all those years jumping onto every grenade and bending over backwards trying to bring them peace and happiness showed I wasn't a narcissist, but quite the opposite, an empath. It was a staggering revelation. I realized that all the things they called me crazy for, like being honest, calling out lying, pettiness or hypocrisy, weren't what made me crazy, they only made me crazy because I was around people with no qualms about hurting people! It's so much harder to figure out what's happening and not blame yourself when everyone around you is like this.
@@nicoleowens2318 oh. em. gee. It's like they have some kind of freaking handbook that they follow, word for word! I am so sorry you went through all of that...and that you/we have to spend the rest of our lives healing from the aftermath. I heard so much of the same. "There's something wrong with you. You need help. You're crazy. You're making me crazy..." It took looking from the outside in, and months of therapy to see the light. I almost checked myself in
..and out. The mental anguish can't possibly be understood by anyone who hasn't experienced it. It's evil, it really is. Most recently, I'm 'bitter and unforgiving' as well as 'unlovable and a horrible person'. Peace out. ✌️ Zero contact. I don't have time for anyone in my life who can't reciprocate love and honesty. I'm gonna love myself enough for all of them. (((HUGS)))
Claimed we were both abusive towards each other.
Thank you for how you clarify that you can’t heal alone and reassure there’s others who understand. Im so isolated right now and it helped.
When I told my previous narc he was a narc, he flipped back onto me. But, I was done with him at that point; didn't care. When I told my most recent narc he was a narc, he flipped it back onto me. When I told my narc brother he was a narc, he went silent; but he loves being silent with me. But, I wasn't wrong. Narcs are THICK in my life, but I'm weeding them out, or they're discarding me. Either way, they're going. Going, going, gone, good! 👏🏼
He told me I want him to admit he is a narcissist so I don't have to take accountability for anything. I said I take accountability for everything as it is all my fault as you say. I want you admit it so you can get the help you need
Two statements made to 2 people got this reply. You are a liar. "But I would never lie to you." You are a narc, "I never said anything bad about you." Thanks for this video. A problem at work involving lying executives must be resolved.
He definitely called me narcissist not him. Then he acted like such the victim saying his been traumatized and had PTSD from our relationship. So I don't really say anything anymore but I'm still educating myself and I don't have the means now but very soon I should and plan on leaving
I did and he told me I was one and that I believe he’s also a sociopath (which I NEVER said). Then, his mother accused me of being one in front of my kids and posted passive aggressively about me on Facebook (narcissistic post), as well as his aunt (multiple times). Lesson learned. He did tell me he thinks there’s something wrong with him but he’s worse than he’s ever been.
People are generally forgiving of narcissists, even though they’re aware they’re enabling them for the sake of peace. However, people also have their limits, and fallout is inevitable.
Mine is so emotionally underdeveloped, he doesn't argue he sits like a child, arms crossed and says phrases reminiscent of child playing in a sandbox with other kids, saying I'm going home and taking my toys with me! He will try to change aspects of something that happened, so all the memories fit him as being right, I've complained for years, you don't get to twist the truth in order to be right.. or he will pout through the whole conversation and suddenly just walk out, saying I don't feel the need to talk bad about you, just another gaslight to bring the end to the conversation when I get too close to his accountability.
Congratulations on your awareness. It’s great to watch and listen to you
If you have been accountable for your actions and validated your partners feelings and have even changed certain behavior to help improve your relationship and feel genuine empathy to your partner in pain, you’re not narcissistic.. If you point out the consistent times you validate your partner and have accepted accountability that is a reality check..
Mine used the "If you think I'm a narcissist then I guess I can't get healed. I'll always be that way. That's what all the articles say." He turned it around to make me feel bad and make ME convince HIM that he wasn't a narcissist and maybe it was just narcissistic traits...It was crazy. He did this with everything. Anything bad or negative about him would be turned into a relationship-ending issue if I pushed for change. He always knew how to make me do what he wanted out of fear. I would either have to let him be or do what he wanted, or he would leave me. I have many memories of him telling me during an argument that he would rather continue doing certain things than stay with me. In other words, I had to continue letting him do it or he'd leave me. But of course, later he would go back to saying how much he cared about me and continue to plan a marriage with me. Not a good or healthy place for a co-dependent person(me). He really took advantage of my fear of abandonment that I had told him about in our moments where he would just sit and listen to me share about my past. I didn't have a clue how much he would use it to manipulate me. He is a covert, btw. He was always the victim. If he wasn't doing things in a healthy way, it was always someone or something else's fault or responsibility. Later I saw in his history (he gave me access to "pretend prove" that he wasn't lying anymore) that he had looked up videos like, "When a narcissist calls you a narcissist." He had already completely denied the idea of being a narcissist and deflected it onto me. After seeing this I thought maybe I was a narcissist and was really upset for a while thinking maybe I could be but as I kept researching, I realized that I wasn't. That's when I learned I deal with co-dependency. I am getting healing. Every now and then I still get freaked out thinking maybe I was wrong, then I just go back through the process and remind myself of what really happened. Listening to videos from Ben and others really helps a lot if I get discouraged. "Changing the story you believe."
Now you know. Knowledge is power. Sounds like you've done some healing too,. Good job.
Hey my 3year boyfriend is the same. I am so shocked. Will they never change?
Ya i told me ex gf narc she was as a narcissist and she said and i quote “ I didn’t do anything wrong , you should nit be saying such things “. Meanwhile her daughter told me she was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder , and i said well you can add a narccist to that diagnosis i would even say she is NPD instead or a combo of both ….when she’s told me she did nothing wrong I knew then and there I was dealing with a deranged individual I did not respond back I just changed my cell number , blocked her from eveything blocked all her friends blocked everyone she was associate with and I tell you it has been great , I feel much better I’m healthier , happier I’m all around doing much better …
I did say I thought my ex was a narc, at the time he said yes maybe, but then denied it forever after 🙄 he finally left though 🙌
I went no contact 3 months ago with an ex boyfriend who I remained friends with. He lives 6 hrs away. I had visited 3 months ago as a friend and saw all the signs and behaviors of narcissism. I broke no contact to tell him he should learn about narcissism and I think he is one. Then blocked him again. I feel guilty for breaking no contact but I have accepted that it’s over and no chance for a future. I guess I wanted to have hope that the he could accept it grow and change for himself not for me. Telling him what I think is all I can do the rest is up to him. I’m done for good. No more breaking no contact.
Haha this is like a play-by-play for real. It's funny to me now though.
My ex went so far as to have me sign a contract in order to allow me to meet with his psychologist in therapy so that I could “help” him. He manipulated the psychologist to think that I was the narcissist. When I met with the psychologist he was acting negatively towards me until he ask me what I wanted. I said that I wanted a divorce but was afraid of what he would do if he finally understood that I was leaving him. At that point his psychologist looked at me like a deer in headlights. He said clearly that if you want to stay married to my ex spouse (narc) then it would be very long therapy with very little progress. I will never forget his words. My ex was furious with his psychologist and wanted to report him. So my ex was trying to flip it on me.
Thank you so much for this video. So true! 🙏💫
Mine always says, "What makes YOU such and expert to say what it is I'm doing???" I don't fall for it though, if anything, I call out the behavior right then and there.
Never denied it to me. In fact he had told me he was someone with no empathy. He said he was not built that way. Then i asked him if he thought he could be a narcissist or a sociopath and he replied ...Maybe... however he lives in denial regarding other situations where he needed to be accountable
A little over a year ago, i had (very ignorantly and ill prepared) suggested to my wife that she might have narcissistic traits and to maybe talk to her therapist about it.
I would say it was a huge mistake but, since then and after being called a narcissist over and over, i decided to stop drinking, look at my life through sober eyes and really examine myself, and research what narcissistic traits actually look like.
I found that i haven’t always been the nicest person all the time and i can also see (and articulate) the manipulation tactics being used on me (by her). I’m now careful to not be so emotionally reckless, and the healthier i approach situations, the more toxicity i see in her.
My new education has enabled me to establish healthier boundaries and protect them.
I wouldn’t say it’s making this relationship better (it takes two) but, at least i’ve begun to see it for what it is and try to do my part.
Mine told me that successful men don't usually find love
After surviving a near decade of Munchhausen’s by Proxy, at the hands of my “caretaker” mother, it came out my grandmother, whom we ended up taking care of and placed in memory care was diagnosed with psychosis and NPD, back in the 90’s.
This all happened right as I began getting back on my feet, better than ever before; and began to gain financial independence.
I have brought up the narcissism in my family, when things got bad with my mother, for over half a decade (thankfully, I dated a narcissist before I got sick and that’s how I learned what one was - thanks to his new “fiancé,” mere months after we broke up).
Goodness, what a revelation.
Man, it’s been WONDERFUL to have that diagnoses as a, legitimate, power-play card, after everything this woman put me through.
She is on her BEST behavior.
Though, she is getting what she wants, in some ways, also.
Whatever.
I don’t really care, either way, about her karma.
All I care about is my own means to an end, and achieving my goals.
Which, do not include her.
And why I am working on breaking the trauma bond.
I don’t always have the best object permanence, thankfully.
Distance is what I am working towards, most.
Though, also, I do not have the emotional inclination for revenge or what have you- being I have limited/shallow capacity for certain emotions, also.
Which, I do not believe are mutually exclusive to narcissistic abuse - at least, not directly.
Perhaps by proxy.
And with that, it has been fascinating to come to the realization, throughout all this, that with the DID I have been diagnosed with - one of my two alters (then me, the main observer/system operator/“caretaker”) is on the psychopathic spectrum, whom plays the role of “the protector”; while the other is “the innocent.”
Much like a mother, father, child dynamic.
I call us The Holy Trinity, lol.
Not all psychopaths have a disregard or lack of value for human life and it’s well-being, even with a lack of emotional empathy.
It’s that lack of emotion that allows me to excel and doing what needs to get done - though, I am intelligent enough to understand people need to be treated humanely, in order to get ‘em to do what One desires.
Though, it’s a matter of learn how to do so.
It’s not necessary to feel anything for someone, to be good to them.
However, I don’t always have danger/fear alarm bells - they can malfunction, from time to tome.
Maintenance is workin’ on ‘em.
Even most neuraltypical people don’t know how to treat most people in a humane manner, nowadays, in all honesty.
I was raised an only child and spent most of my time alone, neglected by mother and step-father - with really only my grandmother’s attention; and minimal long-term friendships.
I suppose my alters have been developing into my ideal family, in a way.
During my illness, the innocent alter was always at the forefront, in order to be able to get necessary medical care; though, she always had the psychopath “protector” in her ear, guiding her - because that was the only way to survive; while, also, having a great time playing my narcissistic mother’s game..
And the “caretaker” - me - being so stressed-out, attempting to appease my mother, while, also..
Having a debilitating capacity to attempt to be a homemaker, while horrifically ill.
Allowing myself to spiral into absolute chaos, confusion, and pain.
It was making my entire system sick.
However, I still played the game - because I always knew I would win.
I knew God was on my side. All the signs were and are still there.
A sadistic narcissist will never outsmart a psychopath - because we will survive and thrive out of pure spite, by being willing to play the same game, and feeling very little, in the process.
I knew exactly when I was depriving my mother of attention, and when I was giving it - and what the results would be.
It was fascinating to observe.
Psychopaths tend to succeed, because they don’t always have the emotional charges - it’s more of a cognitive rush.
At least, it is for me.
I survived my mother and am thriving, out of pure spite.
Even though it nearly killed me, in the process.
I still won.
He never denied it, perhaps he is an aware. Very hard to distinguish. A lot of my high school crowd ended up as somatic narcissists, they float from best friend to replacement, so I never bothered telling any of them. Their kids never did anything amazing or had any unusual talents. It got boring to listen to the narcissist bragging about taking their children to the playground etc. Only so many times can I listen to their body insecurities, somatics are worse for me because there isn't much to the conversation.
learned a new term, thanks!
What are somatic’s??🤯
I don't care if he's a red frog. 🐸 He can be whatever he wants because regardless, I'm out!
Hey Ben... Thank you so much for the videos... I need a one on one conversation with you if that's possible.
8 minutes in - strong man tactic - so true!! My ex would do that, deflect or bring up something totally unrelated
It’s called a ‘straw man argument’… not strong man
@@kryssis69clearly a typo... But thanks for pointing it out... A year later 🙄
@@the.toxic.phoenix np, always here to educate. Pity you had to live with the misconception for another year though 👍
Narcissiam caries a negative connotation. Narcissist, do not accept but reflect anything they consider negative about them. I made the decision to tell her, you're a narcissist. Bad decision. It was reflected back, accusing me of being the narcissist. Thinking of telling them they're a narcissist. Rethink it. Then quietly plan your exit strategy. Once you know you go! Don't remain in misery, and waste your time . The longer you stay the deeper your wound will be when you eventually leave. As they progressively get worse and more abusive. I don't wish what I went through on any good loving person.
When i called her a narcissist.. time went by, learnt as much about it as she could, playing dumb - one of her roles in life, upon next encounter playing even dumber saying " what's that word you called me??.. uh...narci..ssist...?", Thinking we're dumber, going to fall for "we live in the dark ages you create - there's no internet" life pulling the wool off our eyes or so they think...in front of who they really need to keep for supply, playing dumb.."what is a narcissist.. that word you said.." .. gobsmacked nearly, blood nearly boiling, that's her.. studying narcissism nonstop then acting dumb, gaslighting right?
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He was like…. That’s sounds like you lol…. Too everything we listened to
Yes not a good idea to let the narcissist know you are on to them especially if they are a high level narcissist as they believe in the payback.
My ex narc broke up with me and im scared for whats to come lol he lovesss payback hes a freak.. maybe even a sociopath
@@setme4ree Yep and if the narcissist is a sadistic type he may be a malignant narc which is just one under a psychopath.
I wish I would have gotten this piece of advice before I told my narcissist he's a narcissist it resulted in flat out abuse gaslighting narcissistic salad
Narcissist can deny it, project it onto you or laugh about it saying "I know it you don't need to say it" 👁️👄👁️
It was claimed that it was "emotional abuse" my telling him but he never denied it, ever. Would hear narc bragging about his future plans, whether he is aware is hard to tell. He's not all bad, but certainly is one, covert/malignant. Even a psychic picked my narcissists' energy up as being attached to my person. She had to tell me whatever energy she was picking up. It's interesting how some of them became aware.
I think the best route might be to start slowly with can they admit to small traits but not go full fledge telling them their narcs. Once they start to somewhat develop then start talking about other traits they have and work on that as one block at a time. Till they see something and can maybe and when I say maybe that’s what I mean that they can go to the next step.
Just today i told my ex that she is actually a narcissist.
How did that go?
How are narcissists made?
In childhood. They are usually young children who were hurt my a parent. Often a narcissistic parent. Things happened that made them feel worthless, not good enough, wrong for how they are. And then, no adult was there to support them through the situation and help their sense of self develop in the right direction. This is the first them they encounter shame, and essentially drown in shame about who they are. To avoid the feelings of shame as a child, they adopt maladaptive strategies, like disassociating from who they are (the hurt person) to associating themselves with their “envisioned better self”. Essentially, they put their true self in a cage inside their own body and go through life convincing themselves they really are the ego version they are presenting to the world. Essentially they do to themselves the very thing they do to others. Treat their true self (filled with shame) like they don’t exist. Aren’t a human being. And gaslight themselves.
My online narcissist devalued me and that pushed me over the edge (i am an INFJ) and I became dark. I emailed her spelling out all the love bombing and devaluation. All the lies and hell she put me through. How all of her words of love and affection were manipulations. I listed every thing in the Narcissist playbook and showed her with her own words that this is exactly who you are.. I told her it is sad to make a career out breaking hearts and that her narcissism was destroying her without her knowledge and unless she gets therapy it will destroy her totally. I told her I was done and will pray for her. She replied in the email......Okay. Stay true to your word and don't text me again. I responded....Okay. Goodbye.
Appreciate you sharing your story. It must have been really tough. I'd love to invite you to our free masterclass where you can learn how to break free from toxic relationships. Just head over to www.rawmotivations.com/masterclass.
It was a waste of time writing all that… they love that they created so much emotion in you that you would be compelled to write such a lengthy message… you just made them feel important, that they matter. Negative fuel is just as good as positive fuel to them. She has already gaslit herself absolving her of any wrong doing. Just go full no contact and move on… that is what truly invalidates them.
When I told my narcissistic husband that I thought he is narcissistic he retreated for some time and came back with a diagnosis for me of borderline personality disorder which he felt was out of control and made him look like a narcissist
Yeeeeah, t'was NOT a good situation telling him that he's a covert narcissist. In addition to that, he and his family started watching you and the like videos and using it AGAINST ME!! In other words, USE EXTREME CAUTION!! He and his flying monkeys flipped it and told me I was one!!
Mine never actually denied it. Was weirder yet his ex-girl friend I met was also a covert narcissist. I imagine I would get this 'I'm not, you are' if I ever told any of my shelved somatic narcissist friends they are one. I still either get smeared or praised in gossip depending on whatever my narcissist is currently up to.
Mine doesnt even say anything when I say that. Or he’ll go back and fourth, I’m not a sociopath, maybe I’m a sociopath, no baby I’m not. And he says his ex wife was a narc, I personally think they both were narcs
Hi Ben, thank you so much for your videos!!
Would I be punished by my Narc if I start to ghost her?? Have you ever been ghosted by someone close to you and how did you respond to that if it ever happened to you? Thanks, again
Go no contact. Problem solved "Your" narc is already smearing you, cheating on you, lying to you, etc. Sorry for the bad news. If they are in your life due to shared custody or something like that, no contact may not be possible. Learn grey rocking. Most importantly, you were selected for a reason and have codependent issues to resolve. They did you a favor. Now you can begin your healing journey.
I was recently so shocked by my ex gf that she agrees she might be one.
She came back after discarding me, and running off with someone else, A very narcissistic side came out of her towards the end and through the break up, lies, insults, defensiveness etc.
After 3mths with another woman, she’s come back to try and make us work. Stayed with her for a few days. We had some big fights and I told she’s an narcissist. She was angry, defensive like it etc. The next afternoon, everything was calm. She comes to me and says she thinks I might be right about what I said she had .
I am still puzzled. I’m finding it hard to find any information about this. Is she not one? Because she agreed, does she think it will win me back, or has she realise she might be.
I’ve had people tell me they would change be better in the future, but no one ever got herself into therapy .
Ben, i just wondered if this is something you have to work on changing every day,? A bit like alchohilsm
Haha I told here and provide a definition 😉She sad wow this is the things what I am feeling and doing. Than played the victim 😉. I told here , it’s okay you are you and maybe you can find help and more happy life. But I will not be part of it. After this message I blocked all communication with here and all people connected with here.
How can a narcissist help you if they have mental disabilities and doesn't know empathy or Love? I understand they can teach people the tricks of what they do and how to keep away. But as a counselor, this makes me laugh. No offense
Thanks for the advice.
My Ex Narcissist had a face like Thunder when I told him what he was. I braced myself for his raging. 🍒
I am a man. And I was traumabonded by a man, who is a religious narcissist. And a few months after he discarded me, I found that he is a narcissist, and I called him a narcissist publicly, but indirectly. And three months after that, he said in my presence, and in the presence of his other friends, "He is the cleverest person I have ever seen".
Im gonna guess here first then watch.
If you tell a narc that they're a narc then that means you're a narc.
I told my ex he was a narcissist, big mistake, and he posted a video on Facebook about female narcissists. I just laughed because I don't care what he thinks. Overall, it made him a better narcissist if that makes sense.
I honestly think I've been confusing my ex as a narcissist because I just looked up sociopathic traits and he falls under that more than narcissism.
You acknowledge the fact that you’re a narcissist Did it make you a better person after you were told ?
He would say,"oh you don't know what's going on right now." In such a patronizing way. "you're a nut. I've never met anyone who acts like you do. People don't do this. Something is seriously wrong with you." All for confronting a lie or cheating or manipulation. He also says I'm ruining everything. He just wants one normal day but I won't allow it.
I called him a narc twice. This past time he said, "yeah well this narcissist is crying out to God to fight for our family in the spiritual. What are you doing?"
It's been over 5 months...
And yet, for some reason,
I still can't bring myself to block him...
My soul is raped.
I want to die.
I'm desperate for RADICAL CHANGE.
5 months ago,
I came out of an abusive friendship/"situationship"...
When he'd get mad/upset/hurt/whatever:
he'd give me the silent treatment.
REMINDER TO SELF:
Reasons for narcissistic silent treatment:
* Stonewalling
* Gaslighting
* Emotional immaturity
* Lack of interpersonal skill
* Victimhood
* Dysregulation
* Doing to me, what was done to him
* Terrified of conflict
* Not knowing any other way
* Fear/panic/anxiety/terror
* Desperation
* Power over
* Regaining a (false) sense of control
* Punishment
He raped my soul:
brutally viciously violently maliciously.
Every night: nightmares.
Every day: panic attacks.
I want to die.
Every morning I wake up in despair,
desperately praying to die.
I can no longer bear the pain.
He's given me severe PTSD. Severe! Severe! Severe!
How and when will I ever heal?
God, as I walk through this hell and heartache and grief,
I pray you guide and direct and hold me...
I won't be stuck in hell anymore. Enough is enough!!!
It's time to be free: in Jesus's name!
I’m giving my life to Jesus! 100%!
OK, so you say that you are a narc Mr. Raw motivations are you still married? And if so, what was your breakthrough? Please let me know that because I’m married to one right now, who is an absolute denial and has said everything that you’re saying and he qualifies for all nine on the chart didn’t know that you only needed five, but he certainly does all of them.
That's a great question! You can discover the answer by joining our free masterclass at www.rawmotivations.com/masterclass.
My narc is a she….it’s different
Please don't move your body so much around to different camera angels, Im getting seasick😂
Your info is good, however you speak as though only men can be narcissistic. I've suffered at the whims of a female narcissist. So I know they exist.
Yes they do exist. Just not who I work with
😆😆😆