Self-sabotage: a nervous system & unhealed trauma perspective
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- Опубликовано: 13 июн 2024
- About a year ago, my special topic lecture of the month was all on the origins of self-sabotage and it was a massive it. It offered many aha moments for a lot of people!! So my team and I have edited that livestream lecture down to just under one hour. We've removed the stops, starts, and scrolls -- all the things that tend to happen on a livestream. Of course, if you like that stuff, you can find the raw and unedited version here: • The ORIGINS of Self-Sa...
For more on self-sabotage, I did another vlog earlier this year titled, The origin story of procrastination, self-sabotage, & fleeing from health, and you can watch that one here: • The origin story of pr...
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Here are some Questions/Topics I discuss in this chat:
1:04 - Introduction to self-sabotage
1:43 - Ways of self-sabotage?
3:29 - Ventral vagal aspect (connecting)
5:32 - Staying in abusive/toxic relationships and environments
7:50 - Wearing an invisible mask that keeps us from who we really are
10:46 - Human system healing itself
11:32 - Believing that we deserve to heal
12:04 - Nature healing Itself
17:01 - How survival stress begins
21:08 - Wired for disappointment
24:14 - Wired for self-shaming
24:50 - Healthy Shaming
26:01- Toxic Shaming
28:39 - Wired for shutdown
32:53 - Needing a reward/praise
36:00 - Effects of school
39:10 - Perfectionism
39:28- Pre-verbal & life force energy
43:25 - Healthy aggression is essential
48:09 - What’s the next step?
54:18 - Compassion for others and ourselves going through dysregulation
Resources I mention in this Vlog:
► Drop In Class
irenelyon.com/drop-in-class-1
► Edgar Cayce
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Edgar_C...
► George Ivanovich Gurdjieff
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/George_...
► Up & Down Movement Workshop
www.updownworkshop.com/
► The Polyvagal Theory. Explained
• The Polyvagal Theory. ...
► [Trauma Tips #1] What's the nervous system got to do with it?
• [Trauma Tips #1] What'...
► Moshe Feldenkrais
feldenkrais.com/
► Disgust. The gateway emotion for healing toxic shame
• Disgust. The gateway e...
► Why healthy shame is good for us and toxic shame isn't.
• Why healthy shame is g...
► Origins of The ACE (Adverse Childhood Experiences) Study
/ origins-of-the-ace-study
► New Thinking About Children Paperback by Po Bronson (Author), Ashley Merryman
www.amazon.ca/NurtureShock-Ne...
► What is Healthy Aggression
• What is healthy aggres...
► How suppressing our emotions and physiology can lead to depression
irenelyon.com/2020/11/01/how-...
► Free Resource Centre
irenelyon.com/free-resources-2/
► 21-Day Nervous System Tune Up
irenelyon.com/tuneup/
► Functional Freeze Explained
• Functional Freeze Expl...
► SmartBody SmartMind
www.smartbodysmartmind.com/
► Yellowstone and the trophic cascade that took place
www.nationalgeographic.org/me...
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Thank you for being here!
1. Leave a comment and let me know how this video impacted you. Feel free to leave a question (my team answers them each week!)
2. To get more nervous system health resources, plus learn more about me and my credentials, plus the many ways you can work with me at the practical level, head to my website: irenelyon.com
3. Follow me on social here:
Instagram: / irenelyon
Facebook: / lyonirene
LinkedIn: / irenelyon
SoundCloud: / irenelyon
4. GOT QUESTIONS? Send an email to: support@irenelyon.com
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Please know that…
The statements on this RUclips channel or in videos are simply opinion. Content presented or posted on this channel is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment or a professional therapeutic relationship. Content presented or posted is intended to provide general health information for educational purposes only and you should contact the appropriate healthcare professional before relying on any such information.
My website is a wealth of free resources and information on how to start this work, so here it is one more time: irenelyon.com
For more of my special topic lectures head to my PLAYLIST page >> ruclips.net/user/IreneLyonplaylists
Thank you for your knowledge and dedication to give these amazing talks. As an incest survivor, in therapy for ages, you gave so much tonthink about! 😊Linda Sulpacio
How can a parent repair what he did to his kids?
Hi @@bellaherz5945, Jen here from Team Lyon. One of the biggest steps someone can take as a parent or caregiver is to take steps to grow their own nervous system regulation. The growing regulation tends to ripple out into the family system and people in our lives.
Something else that Irene and Seth Lyon (her colleague and husband) talk about is establishing a therapy fund the way you might a fund for education - to recognize where kids (younger and adult) are open to it, offering to support them in taking steps to heal can be part of the healing process.
I was born in the 50's era. In those times it was the norm you never gave someone praise, as it would make you "too big for your boots," "big headed" etc etc. Given the emotionally dysfunctional family I was bought up in, I don't recall ever being praised for anything. I remember at primary school I came second in a competition in my class for handwriting and this was around Easter and I won these Easter eggs. I was really surprised and pleased with myself, so when I got home and told my Mother I had won this prize, I got nothing back, "like well done," "that's amazing" because of cause they wouldn't want me to be too big for my boots etc etc. It totally deflated me, a child already that had no confidence, low self esteem and a feeling of worthlessness. (I am 70 years old now and still struggle but am working hard in trying to address it.)
Hi Ann Redgewell, Jen here from Team Lyon. It's great to that you are taking steps to address and transform some of the limiting patterns you were taught when you were young. Working with the physiology in the way that Irene teaches can be one of the most powerful ways I've found to support these shifts. I'll link to two of her free resources in case you want to check them out.
DIY: Ancient Anxiety Medicine - ruclips.net/video/0ICsbXUCKmM/видео.html&lc=UgzKvm65Pqe9xARznlN4AaABAg
7 Steps to De-Stress - irenelyon.com/7-steps-opt-in-IL
Hugs (from someone who was born in the 70s). That brought tears to my eyes.
Born in the 60’s and definitely had a similar life experience.
So relate to this and other ways that nurturing was not available due to parents in their own trauma. I was also born in the 50's.
Raised in the 60s and my mom used to say all the time "Self Praise Stinks." A child was never good enough.
I think I just had an aha moment. I always make myself wait too long to eat anything. And I know my sugar is low and that sends me into a panicked state of frantically trying to make something to eat. I overwork myself even when nobody is making me overwork.
My mom and ex spouse both hated seeing me sitting down relaxing and would get angry and tell me I should be cleaning or doing something “productive”. I feel so much anxiety to eat unless I’ve worked first
❤❤❤
Same. My mom was always shaming me, calling me lazy and spoilt. So I would seek partners who would judge me just as harshly.
When I FINALLY started taking the breaks that I need and practicing self care, my ex called me lazy and selfish!
Being with that type of partner is a form of self sabotage, all on it's own!
that sucks, till you change....obese and alcoholics use LGutamine to regulate blood sugar, really good for gut health as well. LTryosine supposed to be really good for anxiety. Maybe Taurine as well. Heard a few places but Julie Ross wrote a book about it. PS protein shakes? I know the focus should be on changing the thinking but it sounds like a downward spiral if can't break it and this way bring vitality to the body so can fight back. I find the time after a hard gym session is some of the only releif fromanxiety i get. I started doing a simple exercise routine a few days ago and i notice my self getting angry when the old self limited thoughts come in. I go to do something and always think of some other equally not that important job is more important, i have started saying to my self "That may be true but i'm doing this now." I hope you sorted it out. PS this Guru's 21 day nerve reset course is $300, sent me into flight or fight lol. You would think due to the nature who her customers were she would give a 4 days free sample.
Healthy aggression: SO not encouraged in girls. My trauma response is Freeze, and it makes so much sense, trained as a perfectionist, “be nice”, “pipe down”, “look pleasing” by a narcissistic father. I love having a name for what I need more of. Would love to know more about how to cultivate and really Embody healthy aggression. Thank you!
It's called "assertiveness"! and that's a good, calm and mature way that quiets down and rather than provide fuel, serves to disarm the aggressor.
good thing*! Goodnight 😊
Your an INFJ I bet, Or an ENFJ like me. Also probably a #2 Or #9 enneagram. If your not familiar, you should check it out. as well as this stuff she is providing too of course. It saved me and gave me the hope to heal myself and see it for what it was. Take a Myers Briggs PERSONALITY TEST TO SEE. My dad was the same. and couldn't stand to see me excel. so I took that as a way to stick it to him for the longest time. prove him wrong in every way I could think to do! He still got me down after 25 + years later to end up feeling this all come back to me again. Blows!!!
Start a martial art, it's creative, I'm thinking about starting.
Me too. I totally freeze up.
I've isolated myself now. Every that comes towards me is dysfunctional, toxic, and narcissistic. It's so hard to meet and be around mentally, emotionally, and spiritually healthy ppl in this day in age. I thank you tubers like you for helping us understand ourselves, our lives, and start the healingbprocess no matter how old you are.
Perhaps you need to go within and check, as to why you attract.
Currently I experience that in my mid 40. And have been doing a lot reading, meditating, growing in all aspect.
And learnt that spiritual healing is a process,along the way it gets easy.
It is hard.. I also felt the same way!
But look around, you’ll find good people if you just sustain some positivity in your life
@@truthh8597Sure, positivity- but not toxic positivity. Only genuine positivity. It can take a minute to learn how to tell the difference.
BOUNDARIES are SUCH an important skill to learn! Part of having boundaries includes allowing healthy behaviors in.
It takes a lot at first to figure out what to trust from others, and even what to trust from yourself! After having been gaslit your entire life it can feel nearly impossible to ever trust again. But it IS possible, and it DOES get easier, eventually. Once you learn to discern what's-what and be able to trust your own intuition again.
It's a process. But it's so worth it, at any age. ❤
I feel the same somewhat I kind of give people a break in that we are all victims of a society that reward’s narcissist behavior.
The idea of getting a reward for doing something good is so foreign to me. I was punished for drawing any attention to myself whatsoever, so I tried so hard to not let my parents know when I won any kind of award. I still feel shame when someone praises me or calls me out for an honor. It keeps me from the level of success I know I should be achieving because the child inside of me is embarrassed by success.
I have the exact same pattern. I understand.
Same here. I had to keep myself small und wasn’t suppose to speak up or out. Invisible I feel now. It feels safer to continue this pattern, I do not know how to go about getting my goals. I always wanna try to play it safe hence letting chances go by without much effort to ‘go for it’ It is so self defeating.:(
Noh Juan: I had it a bit like you suggest, but have the reward-needing part deep i side, even though I am also independent. It may come from the fact that the being good, achieving part was indirectly rewarded in that i knew it was good, it didn't bring mistreatment even if it were not celebrated, and I know it is a virtue in our family. So it went without sayíng, and my belief that achieving and being loving + helpful saved me in that it gave some level of superficial, relative calm.
Similar here, I get nauscious when I'm drawing attention to myself. Because of my 10 yrs older sister who was always jealous, and laughing at me whenever she could, but she hide it in a way I wouldn't think it was mean. I even catch mydelf being mean to people when I truly want to be nice, which is horrible
My holy shit moment was when Irene mentioned toxic shaming, that’s how I treat people I care about and it made me realize that I was taught that way, and because I treat others this way it means I treat myself this way as well…
A neurotic adaptation
@@latinaalma1947 u mean that I write like a neurotic person?
Do u know the time stamp when she mentioned that?
@@aegisreflector1239 Past the middle, more towards the end, in connection with harshness about the hot stove to the little child.
39:25 on infant life energy forming?
The part when not return to nurture. Most toxic shaming forgets they are still a parent. Answers to no one
I love this channel. I’ve gone through a lot of abuse and neglect growing up. No one ever really treated me like they were responsible for me as a kid. There’s an inherent emptiness I’ve been trying to heal. I appreciate you presenting new information/education to invest in. Some of what I’m learning is to choose long term satisfaction over instant gratification. It’s taking breathing, journaling, education and fitness.
That punishment was common in my childhood in different ways. But the worst was threatening to leave me at the side of the road. She did it at least once that I remember and drove away. It was common in the 80s to do that I think though. And also to make you sit outside the classroom. There was a lot of segregation/isolation/abandonment punishment. And now I shut down a lot and isolate myself. They did so much messed up stuff back then like leaving a baby to cry.
So terrible and unnatural of THEM. I witnessed this happening outside a grocery store with a little boy, age 5 or so. The parent locked the boy out of the car. He was bawling & scared! He was let back into the car when they spotted me. It broke my heart. I wanted to take him home. Just sharing this in hopes you can try to trade your story by seeing it as an outsider would see it. ❤️You didn’t deserve that.
It is not a safe form of discipline in today's world. To many predators would love to have your temporary abandoned for punishment child. That was common when I was young too. Society today changes those discipline tactics and makes them not just hurtful anymore but possibly deadly.
It's okay for a baby to cry even still as long they aren't in distress from comfort, food n play? How will they develop healthy strong lungs?
I remeber standing in a corner face to the wall punishment when I was 5 years old,
@kat-75 the lungs are strong and healthy.
Your mention of the shutting down of life force energy brings tears to my eyes. I've live my life feeling like reality would prefer if I didn't exist. I don't know how to start when I've been more than passively, more like dead-ly, waiting for death to absorb, delete, and forget me.
Hey Pablo, Seth here again :) Yes, living with a freeze response dominating the system is no fun, and it sounds like that's where you're at right now. It can change!! You just need the right education and tools to get at the lifeforce that IS there, waiting underneath all that shut down. Definitely check out the programs I linked in my answer to your other question.
@@teamlyon3109 thank you Seth.
@@teamlyon3109 hey im stuck in this freeze for 8 months. How do i get out of it and get my life force back ?
@@DINXX8start meditating 🧘♂️lots of helpful videos on here
Same here. Wishing you well..
Early childhood educator here: YES! Contrary to many programs in my field, I do not use any behavior chart or any reward method. We don’t use any time out; we see all behavior as an opportunity for connection. Adults who deny curiosity of how and why a child is showing up in the world the way they are is missing out on a great opportunity for everyone.
Thank you so much for this work. It is not lost on me that I heal myself when I do the work I do with young children.
Nice. Always glad for healthy interventions, especially ones that surpass limited mainstream discourse (erroneous training--ugh). I will add that a yoga-anatomy instructor recently talked about the importance of "connection not correction" when discussing practicing yoga and poses (i.e., connecting with self, body, philosophy rather than correcting). I find this mantra to be rich and valuable. Connection is sorely needed...everywhere.
Wow your students are lucky to have an aware teacher like you
Sabotage has had a huge impact on my life, anything i loved doing whilst a kid was taken away from me, including smashing up my figurine collection in front of me with a dust pan, this memory has just sprung up i think this video triggered it, i wish i had found this work earlier but glad i have, so grateful to be part of this global healing for everyone doing this work has given me hope for the future and made my life worth living again, anybody that has any doubts about doing this work dont sabotage your potential to heal go for it you wont regret it x
I am moved by the story of your childhood ,I am so sorry that you experienced that , I wish you all strength and lots of love in moving onwards.❤️
@@Sun.powder thankyou for your lovely comment it means a lot, i wish you the best in your healing journey aswell x
@@theresawalker1508 ❤️
I do HOPE you are CREATING a new figurine Collection...based on your healing journey and creating/adorning the figures themselves....I'm seeing beautiful creatures with a few little soldier figures with bayonets outstreched and ready for action...ehehhehe...all the best....thank you for sharing
I'm thankful you had an. "Ahh ha" moment of making the connection. Unfortunately even those closest to us can be the sickest. Honer your inner child and give her lots love and snuggles. Maybe some little treasure will catch her eye and you can give her a gift 🎁. I wish you and all who read this the very best💝🙏💝
I feel damaged beyond repair.i push people away because I don't want to be abandoned again.ive experienced multiple people dying.im afraid of being loved and loving others so I've learned to avoid life everything you've said defines my character. I have a dim flicker of hope I don't know what to do
i’m so sorry you’re struggling so much. i can relate. how are you doing now?
I have anxiety since I went to school. I feel I was deprived from my natural sociable personality. I don't know how it is to not have anxiety. I came from talkative child to anxious person frightened of any interactions with people. I just want to be alone and safe from harassment. I was the poster good girl, never smoking, never going out, everyday spending listening to music in my room and yet I was shamed for everything I did. Yet the other kids, terrorizing others were praised. I guess that's how I learned to sabotage myself too, cause that's how I was treated. When Britney Spears said: "I don't own anything to those people" and "I just want my life back" I totally got it, cause I feel my life and character was taken away by abusive people.
WOW! I feel like you just described what happened to me.
Overstood. 😢 ✨❤️heal friend❤️✨
@@LuvliexXJazzieXx ❤️
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I feel so similar. When you wrote, "I just want to be alone and safe from harassment", that hit home with me. I've purposely spent many holidays alone, and that is exactly the reason why.
I really appreciate the analogy of how the healing journey is like learning to drive stick shift. I grew up in a household that never had a car. There was no rite of passage where I was taught how to drive by my parents. Even after I got my learner's permit, the people that said they'd help me learn to drive failed to do so. A few years later, I save up some money and paid for my own driving lessons. I did opt to learn stick shift at the driving school, but it was too much to take in, without the fundamentals of basic vehicle handling. I learned how to drive on an automatic. Even though my first car was an automatic, I still had the craving to learn how to drive stick shift. My second vehicle was equipped with a manual transmission. I guess I threw myself into the deep end of the pool with this one. Not only that, the car I bought had been modified with a short shifter, and a rigid motorsports grade clutch (imagine your clutch pedal feeling 3x heavier, will less modulation). I have to figure out how to get this car home by myself. Learning to drive it was awful. There were so many times I why I spent all this money buying this car. I had anxiety and nervousness about stalling it out in traffic. What I ended up doing was I only drove it in the evenings when traffic was lighter, and I just practiced rowing through the gears and learning how to modulate that stiff clutch. There came a point after about 2-3 weeks of this, that it became second nature, and I stopped thinking about. I remember being startled the first time I did a shift without thinking about it! Once I had that foundation down, I was able to build off of it. I eventually learned more advanced techniques like rev-matching, and doing heel-and-toe downshifts.
Going back to the topic of healing, I've sometimes wondered if I'll ever be able to have stability in my life, or be capable of having healthy relationships. If I was able to develop and master advanced driving skills, despite the many obstacles I faced on my journey as a driver, then why not apply the same principles to my healing?
I love how one day you realised you could do the stick shift without thinking. Good luck on your journey of growth and healing. ❤
I definitely self sabotage! I procrastinate I avoid joy and potentially joyful activities. Recently I went on a tear partially due to trust issues, family issues but alot was due to self sabotage because I didn't feel like I deserve a good life/woman and friends. I was literally trying to destroy my life. I do love myself but I do not like myself sometimes at all. People like me and I at times cannot figure out why.
7:10 honestly, years ago I really procrastinated hard. But now 80% of the time I watch videos exactly on the topic of healing and coming into power. This path is just way more interesting to me and nourishes me truly, whereas procrastination drains my energy and after it I feel depleted, unfocused and dull.
Born in 1950. Omg she read my mail. Talking directly to me. 73 and still working on myself. This young lady has some great information. Thankful🌺🌺🌺
This is LIFE- CHANGING!!!
The name “Kai Eros” came to me about 8 months ago. I wasn’t explicitly clear at the time. But it essentially means “keeper of the keys” (Kai) for “life force energy” (Eros).
Hearing the nuanced description of this energy, this healthy aggression, the primordial chi, the Force…
Wow. So so so many aspects of my entire life are making sense.
I’ve always been someone who, when I’m devoted to something (aka I allow my life force to open to it) I will obsessively make it happen.
But that Eros / Chi / life force has felt fizzled since I was a child - only coming out in small bursts.
I am learning that all my struggles - feeling unsafe, disconnected from my sexuality & desire, disconnected from conviction (all lower chakra energies) stem from childhood and this lack of attunement.
Gahhhh. It doesn’t make the road back home any easier but the education and awareness takes such a weight off. So much shame can be let go of. I thought I was broken my whole life. Stuck as a 5 yr old boy. Weak. Soft. Cowardly.
Irene - thank you. You’re truly an angel and doing your life’s work.
have you done this 21 day program of her?
As an adult child of an alcoholic/ brought up in chaos - I've developed Fibromyalgia. I can recall listening to my parents fighting, and feeling SICK. It was like every time I heard them yelling, throwing tings - it went right through me.
Here I am - at 62 and I"m still fighting for my health ! I want to mention that our nutrition is CRITICAL in the healing process. As we know, every thought corresponds to a chemical reaction and we all live in a very flawed Earth. No matter how dysfunctional or well your childhood was, it's a tough life !!
And it's all there - so much great information to guide us through making wise choices in nurturing our bodies with the right foods & supplements - for healing our depleted bodies due to an overload of stress. Usually, like me, I need extra supplements and how blessed am I to live in a time where it's all so easily accessible.
Same here. Both of my parents were alcoholics. I grew up in a domestic violence home. I'm 59 & have PTSD. I also have fibromyalgia & problems from self-sabotage and self-destructive behaviors.
@@SweetUniverse my story and age is similar. i see that i'm not alone, after all.
I was brought up in a very similar situation to you, hearing my alcoholic father getting aggressive with my mum, and stepmum, i feel for you, wishing you peace and healing
I had the same problems but then I went to the sacrament of confession and started receiving the body blood and soul and divinity of our lord in the holy eucharist daily. Jesus healed me. He's there for everyone no matter what you've done. I pray you repent and believe in the Gospel of Life 🙏😇✝️📿🕊️
Cultivate a vegetable garden😊
I did this in my dating life many many times. I had to get sick of myself doing this to ‘me’ and recognize I was at fault! I stopped blaming everyone else and finally took responsibility of my choices.
"Watching endless RUclips videos". Yep, that's me.
i do too and it makes no sense. Ive started shifted, i hope you do too.
Same 😔
I go on binges, then im clean for a while. Then i go on binges...
Our minds trick us into thinking that because we aren’t seeing results, we must need to listen more, read more, journal more, etc. We think we don’t “get it” when we actually do, but it’s really somatic work that we need, not more and more words.
That's me too. My friends actually expect me to recommend downloads !
“Self sabotaging behaviors are so harmful to many areas in our lives. Health, carrier, relationships… “ you are absolutely right💔 and we tend to self sabotage subconsciously which is the most scary part.
Totally!! 😐
Wow, and mom was biting me and pinching me and pulling my hairs as an infant.
Thank you for explaining to parents the healthy way to interact with infant. It’s extremely important.
❤❤❤
The first 10 minutes or so was a confirmation of some thoughts I’ve been having lately. Evolutionarily, this is where we are. Now is the time for us, as a species, to learn how to live outside of survival mode. This gives me another perspective that it’s a great time to be alive in the world!
I lack healthy aggression. My mother was Borderline/Narcissistic. She didn't understand what was needed to be a mother to an introverted HSP child.
Same with me.
Same here. Always felt shamed expressing aggression or uncomfortable emotion in general. Probably because it triggered my mom and her own inability to healthily express anger and uncomfortable emotion.
Me too exactly. She’s 84 now and still no connection
Family had a brother with npd and gave him all their energy and neglected their bdp child which was me
A friend recently shared the work you do Irene. This is exactly what I need right now. I've been doing years of healing work and now getting into the depths of where this has come from. No surprises re the family I chose to be born into. I've certainly had a tough life, and at 65 realising the trauma/anxiety/ nervous system issues/and self sabotage patterns. Thank you for what you offer. 💗🙏
I have just come across Irene today & she is exactly what I am needing too.
Thank you for this. Procrastination / self sabotage is a slow kill 'disease' and I know when it started for me, when I became apathetic over whether what I do matters, which was after my parents divorce when I was about 11.
I'm bad with procrastination. My parents divorce effected me really bad.
At least 90% of your self sabotage list applies to me❗️😔😞
Out of the Fight, Flight, Freeze response I’ve gone from cold to fridges to FROZEN 🥶 over the decades; I was stuck in depression (self described as a perfectly working car with a dead battery in need of a jump to start, & after the engine gets turned off - as I have to sleep - the engine won’t start again) & now am slightly better being “suppressed” (my own term being a notch above depressed & self described as a running car that’s stuck in neutral as it won’t go into gear to move = STUCK)‼️ 😔😞
When I hear so much of your exhaustion as a big road block in your life - I know that stress can deplete a lot of our necessary vitamins, minerals, neurotransmitters, etc. I know some friends who have had their adrenal function checked and to find out that it was down to nothing!
Without the right "juice" flowing we simply can not function at our best - or function at all !!
In this time of so many tests available to us - IF YOU CAN GET INSURANCE TO PAY ) OR EVEN NOT- I'm having mine down. Good luck to you and make sure to feed your body extra nutrition. ( Read up on it as to do it wisely)
🫂
I get it!
So glad I found this video and the invaluable information. Growing up with a mother that was a rage - aholic and couldn’t regulate her emotions and a passive father, healthy modeling for emotional intelligence wasn’t even an idea.
Irene,I have to watch this video again and again. I have struggled with self sabotage from childhood but didnt know why.I have lived in survival mode most of my life,mired in shame.I am an alcoholic who struggled with sobriety and when things got tough i returned to alcohol as the solution which was self sabotage and caused so much pain.
There's so many layers that I'm beginning to see now that were fear based.I didnt know this started in early childhood and have been retraumitized over and over again.I had no clue why after finishing nursing school i never bothered to go to graduation.I never wanted to bring attention to myself.So im going to watch this as many times as i need to start my healing process.
39:25 the part about an infants first attempts at testing their power...and the balanced way of meeting them there. Wow...really opens avenues of thought. Very revealing in that it comes across as intuitive and simultaneously it is the complete opposite of what we've done and has been done to us. Excellent. Thank you.
Oh ya, self sabotage is an inner protective mechanism that activates when the ego that wants to protect, feels out of control when things seem "different" than what it thinks it can control. We are such emotional creatures! Like anxious cukes!
The practice of non-judgement has been the most freeing of all the different self awareness practices I have been retraining myself with...💚
I think authenticity is a very underrated part of our overall well-being and suffering in this era of rising self doubt and seeking of external hero's.
Our perspective is our power;
We only have control of ourselves...💚
I often remind people...
You are Enough...
...whatever you dO or dOn't! 😘
Oh, I do listen to RUclips endlessly...BUT...every video I watch I curate for myself, asking...WHAT DO I WANT TO LEARN, WHAT AM I INTERESTED IN? I feel it is better than watching mindless television. I am a super curious soul...I love divination, and learning about myself - my whys, where I am going, etc.
Self sabotage is my middle name.....I didn't realise it covered so much. Yes I've been stuck for years, not knowing how to overcome it. I love crochet and art but even if I start rarely do I see it through to the end. Drives me crazy as it's so difficult to live with. I live with childhood emotional abuse..... 😢
Trauma: disappointment, shame/verbal abuse, praise, the wound of not being allowed to show healthy aggression
THANK YOU! Here comes spirituality, psychology and (neuro) science together 💝
I'm glad in school I was taught how to make a napkin holder or an ashtray rather than meditation or emotional regulation.
Thanks for the lesson......51 years later🙏
Knowing the last days of Jesus Christ was such more useful than processing traumatic experiences. Who needs mental health anyway?
Go Jesus!
They can't teach what they don't know- unfortunately! Will you teach children what you wished you learned?💝🙏💝
@@laurabarber6697 That's my point, teachers should be taught the important stuff themselves and be able to pass it on.
@@laurabarber6697 yes I would!
@@stephenkearns6461 some of them must know a small, few people had actually learned the tools on their own or from their parent.
I am currently looking at your 21-day nervous system reset page and coming up with my own version of it for myself using free resources. I am being very productive in everything except the one thing I planned to do today. * inner child gives a mischievous grin *
I've just lived in a couple bad situations that I didn't create. almost done dealing with situation #2 & then I'm taking off to the open road & traveling for a year. cannot wait, my soul NEEDS that freedom.
I find that focusing & actively working on goals helps me to feel better & keeps things moving in the right direction, even if I'm not always functioning at 100%
I can’t even count how many times I heard “how stupid are you?” growing up. This video really hit some powerful points. Thank you.
Yes I was told the same growing up by one of my Parents nice right with being an adoptee too.
Me too ❤
I’m so sorry you had to hear something so detrimental to you as a child.
Oh my Lord. Thankyou for taking your learned knowledge to Utube!
It was only this morning that was one of my days that I woke up with electrical anxiety coursing through my systems. Gosh, SO much information completely relative to my inability to have that courage and strength to restart life, all over again, after the death of my previous life.
Thankyou.
God bless you. 🏖🐞🇭🇲
My mother would ridicule me and ever so caustically call me, " Goody-2-Shoes". I am the eldest of 3 and someone had to do what she wasn't. I didn't get breakfast and she was still sleeping when I got home from school. She'd stay up all night- no drugs or alcohol. Married but they weren't even friends. She was a math Mensa at 15yrs old, a teen mom and in a loveless marriage. I wish this was the only hurtful thing she said or did but of course it's not. I have a stop/ go relationship with myself regarding getting things done due to My inner critic- Goody-2-Shoes criticism. I don't have children nor do my brothers so the insanity stop here. Thank you for providing the tool that allows unconscious emotionally charged experiences to be brought to mind- so they can be released. I wish you and all who read this the very best💝🙏💝
I am really impressed by you. How deep your knowledge is of the stuff you are talking about. And how you embody it
You set a safe container for others.
Thank you.
I resonate with this video, espessialy the self sebotaging voice inside, and the anger that wants to be felt.
This intro is describing me so much that it took me almost all day to get through it…it was hard to listen to, but really…it’s nice to have a place where it is acknowledged…
Same here...
Thank you. Right at the end you said “you deserve it” and it for the first time resonated. I usually bristle at that remark. 😊 baby steps! 🎉
There are so many illuminating golden nuggets in this video. Thank you so much Irene for sharing this information with the world. You have brought so much understanding to my emotional and physical pain. I hated myself for the way I felt, but now I understand that it was not my fault. I have the hope now that I can actually heal!❤️
I've already read some books about human (and animal) psychology but still, so much wisdom that you share in your videos is an eye-opener for me.
I've never heard anyone talk about the toxic procastrination of activities you love, this is totally me in my adulthood. I came from a loving family and I was lucky in life, almost always made the right decisions, I'm in a loving relationship too.
I still often feel like a lost person when I'm alone, I couldn't be any more disconnected from myself than I am in the recent years. I'm still learning to be an adult. All this is the aftermath of those 6 years of bullying at school that made my nervous system a wreck. The worst thing is when you think you're not that person any more who couldn't defend themselves, you're now more thoughtful and understand these things better. But if you get into a similar situation, you end up being your old self again. I have crazy breakdowns when that happens and I'm afraid this will make me commit suicide one day.
I always asked my kids to assess if they were proud of themselves before I offered praise so it came from inner selves
Wow, this is the best channel I’ve found. I’ve been doing research on healing for a few years now and yours is the first one that really speaks to me. I guess because I’m vividly aware of how much my somatic experiences, nervous system, body language, posture and overall perception of myself has changed to be like, a frightened child after an abusive relationship.
I keep thinking I just want to get back to how I was before because my body felt fluid and vibrant.
jezebel amber, Jen here from Irene's Team. It's great to hear that Irene's channel is speaking to you. This work can be quite potent, and what you mentioned about wanting to experience your body as fluid and vibrant is much of what this work is about.
Since it sounds like you're relatively new around here, you might check out Irene's New Here page. Here's the link: irenelyon.com/new-here/
@@IreneLyon Thank you ♥️ much
I'm so glad to have found your video. It has definitely put the nervous system into perspective and why it is critical to heal that before any other changes can happen. Also, I'm forming ideas about my own childhood and nervous system responses that I hold today. You have really helped me in this video. This is great "education" along with practicing lessons in 21 Day course.
I love this. An intelligent, comprehensive understanding along with explanation of this human problem.😊
This video is absolutely worth its weight in gold
Everything needs praxis to be able to know it and be adept with it. Retraining one's body, nerves system to full psyche is no different. Don't give up, keep your praxis alive and you will discover gains that once upon a time were unimaginable. It's the art of being.
Well now, I guess I was meant to find your video since I came across it during one of my "rabbit hole" moments on RUclips. I'm stunned by what I'm hearing! So far there's nothing I've heard that I don't identify with and have struggled with addiction among other things to try and eliminate the pain. Maybe there is hope, I'm so tired of playing the "appearance" game while my insides rot.
💝🙏💝 sending love, strength and courage as you create a beautiful life where your outside and inside match💝🙏💝🌴
Hello Irene:
This is an older video at the time of my growing. Lol. I want to thank you for your work.
I have Ben studying somatic movement and found you while in the research of that study. I work in mental health and had a tumultuous upbringing, young adult life. I’ve been piecing it together and getting the help and care I need. Then I just find this. I can’t even listen fully, I’m in burnout. I had bad news about historically awful issue at Christmas. I got myself a therapist or two. My 1st therapist was at age 9. I’m 61 yo. I only say I can’t fully listen because I am full on studying and doing the work to have a good life.
Your work needs recognition!
Thank you!
Allison
From Washington state
This video is a piece of gold! Thank you so much for sharing this valuable knowledge! I m going through depression, I am on psychotherapy 3 years now and no matter how hard I ve tried, I just couldn't find the reason(s) of my procrastination. Some things make so much better sense now. I even took some notes. I ve never been told that I m stupid; nevertheless, I had been continuously told "I can't do that". I always couldn't do anything, from daily routine things to cleaning to travel etc. So, at some point, I just stopped doing things. There I am now, laying on my couch most of the day, going to sleep, if I am not sleepy, since I believe I can't do anything. Why even trying since I am going to fail? I am honestly so grateful to you Irene. May you continue helping us!
It makes sense that martial arts and wrestling are helpful therapy for generating and expressing healthy aggression. And having the aggression appropriately received, as a coregulating sort of give and take. And it’s touch and movement oriented with rules of safety built in.
Omg, Irene!!! This video is hitting such key core points that have been a bit confusing to me in a while! Thank you!
I find this whole topic to be so fascinating, and I can certainly see so many of these traumas in myself and many others I know as well. Thank you, thank you Irene, for enlightening us all on the topic of how EVERYTHING behavioural is physiologically passed down to our bodies and manifests in so many ways - and thank you for giving us the support that we can heal from those traumas! ❤❤❤
My mother wad a very toxic narcissist...wrecked my life ,now at 60 i dont know if i can heal myself, i want to but feel damaged beyond repair...you are amazing xxx
For me that was me trying to understand my families issues which were impacting me daily. So o was studying that. And that’s why I was not doing all my work, because I needed to be peace, make peace with it all so as I could be free.
It did derail me, and I am out of it thankfully, I’m free of it now.
Life is beautiful now and I am at peace.
It also helped me a lot doing rituals! Symbolic rituals! Like a candle and a letter asking for forgiveness for my parents actions, asking for love to my anscestors and forgiveness for all the generational trauma , all the mothers who hurt their daughters in my family! It’s been 4 generations of broken relationships between mother daughter.
I ask for the spirits and Ángels and universe to give them peace in their hearts.. and help them see…
And guide them and all of us..
It helped me very much doing this intuitive rituals! Based on my inner needs. Sometimes this rituals seemed irrational, but deep down it felt SO RIGHT! And it helped tremendously finding some peace ..
Best best wishes to everyone
I also spend a lot of time daydreaming. I've done this sine I was a child. It was my happy place/ escape mechanism.
Everything seems to relate to myself..this hit me like a stomach punch. 🥺
Same here. At one point I think I stopped breathing.
Felt the same way. I guess this is what we need to shake it all off and become ANEW.
My babysitter said sweetly but firmly, don’t put your hand up there on the stove, it’s hot and could burn you. As soon as she turned her back, to get the popcorn or whatever, I reached up my hand and it stuck to the red hot electric burner. She was just sweet and caring and put my hand in ice water, all night till parents got home, while I screamed and cried. Maybe was 4 or 5. Remember then the hospital, getting a nurses cap and they did a good job being kind. I realized though I have guilt and shame for disobeying the babysitter, still. I still feel more compassion for the poor babysitter than I do myself. 🤷♀️
I landed on this video by complete accident and but it stopped me dead in my tracks. You have hugely opened my eyes and changed my whole outlook , as a parent and as a daughter and just as a whole person. Wow.
Wow! Thanks Irene for taking the time to make this video. I’ve been struggling with self-sabotage most of my life. It results in that I am always being held back from doing things that are important and meaningful. It’s crazy making wrestling with this problem as it just never stops. One example is I signed up for your course about 2 or 3 years ago and I started it but then I didn’t stick with it even though I know it is really important! However, I just keep trying and trying to chip away at this even though it has been exhausting at times. However, your video just turned on a bunch of lightbulbs for me. Your video arrived just at the right time when I decided to try and chip away again. Thank you!
Grateful to have been guided to your page~ thank you for your knowledge and sharing so generously. I just gained sooo much more self compassion which is a necessity to move forward. Appreciate you💕✌🏽🙏🏽
BAM!!! This is a very powerful program. Thank you Irene Lyon!
Love this on so many levels energetically, I have sent love and compassion to my vagal nervous system, flooded it, felt in my core ✨💡 thank you so much for your presence on here, learning with you and sharing with everyone ☺️
This is a good first step. Before this i didnt know self sabotage is a thing. Thank you for delving into this very important topic.
Worse, making a kid depending on getting rewards or punishment for good or bad grades, it's the best way to not like learning. The reward is in the knowledge you gained. My son got in first and second grade (as a new immigrant) "no homework passes" as a reward for "good behavior". He was just himself. So I spoke with the teacher and said I didn't want that because the message is; Homework is NOT fun." and I wanted my kids to like and love reading and learning. She did it anyway. Very sad.
This is what I was looking for. Answers why, for so many things. It took 3 days, multiple times to actually get all the information in here. I'm blown away. Thank you kindly 🙏🌸
The phrase that I've heard for procrastination through over-education - wanting to learn more and more and never actually solving the problem is: Analysis Paralysis :-)
Oh I've just found you and your statement about what we believe we deserve and what we end up creating is spot on 💥 I was saying this exact thing to one of my workshop attendees that whatever she learned she would most likely NOT create in her life if internally she holds this belief!! Thia is so key. And I look at self sabotage behavior such as procrastination as self soothing or self protecting behavior. The intention is often to preserve and not to harm or sabotage oneself, you know!! Great channel, great content. Thank you👍🏾
This is the first video to actually make me realize and remember my unsavory experiences
10:18. “When something good happens, something bad will follow”. Despite my parents being divorced, EVERY family gathering, holiday or birthday was secondary to mom and dad’s hatred of each other and undying dedication to their feud. All holidays, birthdays, special events were anticipated w dread not joy, even though both parents are now deceased. They created a tradition that lives beyond the grave. Narcissists rule!
Best video on origins I've ever seen. I thought I understood fairly well, but the way you described it helped me to get a better grasp.. and find more of where I need to do some inner work. 👏💖🙏
The earth knows how to heal when left to it’s own devices ❤
Thank you for this, I have just begun trying to unravel the reasons I keep self sabotaging and stopping myself making the positive changes I need to make to free myself from mental anguish and physical symptoms. Your video has so many light bulb moments for me! I really needed to find this today! Subscribed :) x
Thanks for subscribing Elaine! We appreciate you being here and learning this material. The world needs it right now, ore than ever!
This was so well done, thorough, and I appreciate it so much. I bookmarked it so I can rewatch. Thank you!
Irene, Wow, so much amazing childhood trauma bond ISH. Layers of crap. Lifetimes of crap. We where never taught how to be in relationships. Its time for compassion & kindness. The shift is here. This ia all old energy. I appreciate you & your teachings, great stuff. Namaste!
In divinity,
Leslie
tears come to my eyes when I say I Deserve this...health wellness goodness. I think this is the main aspect I want to look at as I do the SBSM program. Thankyou Irene. wired for disappointment is something I notice as a strong pattern in my system. no matter my previous attempts to change. I am really looking forward to going through this program. ❤️
51:18 is so, so important. Well, really everything here. Thank you for explaining this all in a way that makes sense, while being compassionate and bringing in the science. When all you hear are these false narratives that are either pessimistic or unrealistic it just becomes frustrating, to say the least, but this is giving me some hope. Many times throughout this I thought, "Oh," but not in a way that made me feel defeated.
Also!
Burping & farting!!!!!
It’s been a huge passion of mine to normalize this.
It’s so validating to hear your articulate the importance of allowing these natural processes.
Ughhhh.
Amazing. Amazing.
I am fighting really hard not to beat up on myself. When I listened there were A LOT of things that resonated for me, but I find when the video is over I can't remember what it was?!? I went to the comment section to write what I learned because it helps me process, but then nothing came to mind and I don't know why it is this way.
Listen again pal. ✨❤️ heal ❤️✨
All I can say is "wow"! I am a trainee counsellor and this has really opened my mind, thanks!
I wish I would’ve found your videos a year ago, but better late than never! Thank you for sharing your knowledge with the world, I think you are Brilliant! Thank you for being you:)
I believe the praising is bad like you say but I would add that the reason is because people don’t feel loved for who they are and rather they only feel loved for what they do and so it creates this false sense that we are worth of love only if we “do” what we supposed to. If we show love to our kids for doing things we also should make sure they feel loved when they don’t do the right thing and we should talk to them with love and also at all times when they do nothing. This means hugging them and telling them we love them randomly not only when they do something good.
As a child I've been ridiculed and humiliated on innocent moments of glory. I have a vague fear that if I thrive and shine, someone jealous will betray me and burn me down.
This video is extraordinarily inconclusive, you ramble on about symptoms that people already live with daily.
Beautifully done, spoken, aware, smart. Please talk more, make more videos, about this healthy type of aggression, that's often suppressed and how to revive it more.
This is quite wonderful. Disappointing and exhausting for my hijacked resilience and still great 🌸 Thank you
This is excellent! It ties together a lot of things I have been feeling intuitively. Thank you
I make myself invisible by underdressing when I go out. So many promises broken growing up. Here in the US, Boy Scouts get badges for every little thing…I saw that with a kid I used to care for…in a very short period of time his belt couldn’t take any more badges.
SO MUCH GRAITUDE Irene for your sharing this insightful information ! WOW what an eye opener & answers to my issues, FINALLY 😢❤
Solid gold content; thanks so much for putting this on YT.
I hope you don't mind me saying it but your hair is just so pretty! Whatever you're doing, keep doing it :) Thank you for all of your helpful videos. You are making a difference