Here, here. I live in Waller County. So many of us say the same thing, without knowing. Not every citizen can know one another. But we all experience the wearing down.
Yes. Listening to podcasts like Dr. C's will empower you. Letting go of self-blame & self-doubt by knowing what you're dealing with can help you regain yourself.
If this is a dynamic that has been present since childhood, you don't even realize that you are yielding. You don't realize that this dynamic is not universal.
I've become frustrated, angry, negative, cynical, less patient, less creative, less peaceful, I've had a hard time holding on to the nuance that I usually want to have, it has taken such an IMMENSE toll on my mental health and welbeing. I'm not happy and blissful as I used to be and I've been chronically emotionally exhausted for a few years. It is utter torment and has made me instinctively averse to certain people that I used to have in my life. I had something similar ages ago in my teens, but I'd dare say it's been far worse in my adulthood...
I’m a grow a*s women and refuse to be told what and how to do it anymore. I’m done with these negative, nasty people. The ones that told me that they love me are the ones that treat me the worst.
…they plow right over you. Edited to add… and then they back over you and repeat the process over and over and over again until YOU put an end to the yielding .
This is spot on. Currently, my narc sister has locked me out of the family house, stolen all my late mum's jewelry and belongings including mine. I live in a small town and even the local cops believe her, all without proof, when I complained to their superior they set out to 'teach me a lesson' by hanging up when I try and report the theft. I'm getting over a heart attack, and I can't believe people have zero conscience.
@@goldalevin869 lawyers in my town are working from home, and won't work pro bono, am trying in larger cities. Just when you think your family narc won't go that far. ..they do. Thanks for the message. ❤️
Oh gosh what a nightmare. I had to just let the items go & get a lawyer for my share of the house. The small town thing is a BIG DEAL bc the narc has spent its time getting ppl set up to work for it & against you. I got thru it & I pray you will. I no longer communicate with my 2 sibs. Going on 3 years now. Emotion regulates your physical health so try to detach bc your heart is broken. Take care of yourself first. 🙏
I went through something very similar years ago. My sister spent years working to shut me out of the family. She finally succeeded. It is all about control & entitlement. I had a similar "locked out of the house" episode also. It has taken me years to work through all of this, and I still can't let it go. I did have the satisfaction of shutting her out of my life, and I have never been sorry. She, on the other hand must live her life in a constant state of hyper-vigilance, fearful that something might go wrong behind her back. A pastor once told me that these people live a life of chaos because of who they are. Based on what I know about her life I would say that this is true.
The narcissist trains their target to their way of thinking because at first it seems easier to just go along to get along. Eventually the target loses all sense of themselves and their autonomy before they even know what is happening.
Yes, exactly me too. Crystal clear. From disabled with chronic fatigue and unexplained pain, high blood pressure, and depression to reversing 80% until one day of a bad mistake to allow contact, I'm recovering from that still, a week later.
Absolutely Aaron. Also the same when there isn't a drop of blood anywhere. Innocent situations, "nice" evenings out, special events, all ruined by out of the blue unprovoked unessesary rages or crazy accusations🙏
If we yield to them~in their minds, they have us. Like some object they proudly acquired. And, if you push back on the ownership~brace yourself for the onslaught.
I was groomed to yield. That's what a husband is supposed to do. You know, for love. Got Ephesians 5:25 quoted often. I never, ever countered with 5:22.
"YOU ONLY HAVE ONE CHANCE TO BE YOU" I just kept saying wow! When you said this it really hit me. Thank you for all you do for team healthy ❤ I am so grateful for so many things you've taught
yes. I have become a nagging, tired, bitch, tired, tired, sulking, critical. I used to be FUN! don't even like myself now. at all. and why diet or exercise? who cares? nope. (married to a covert N)
The hardest and most painful aspect of going no contact with a narcissist is when your adult child is the narcissist. It's the heartbreaking mourning of your child, which is similar to mourning a death. Except that your child is still alive. There are no words that express how painful that is, especially during birthdays and holidays. 😢
No one but a parent can understand. I call it perpetual mourning. I don’t even recognize the loving child I raised, and yet I still love him. I just can’t love him enough to stop his abuse of me. And, I can’t live with it anymore. I will forever mourn! 😢
I hear you, and I feel your pain. My adult daughter hung up on me on Christmas day and discarded me from her life, just because of a difference of opinion. It's extremely painful and bewildering. It's also hard to find this particular subject discussed on most narcissism channels--they mostly refer to romantic relationships, which are so much easier to end than parent-child relationships (been there on that one too). Hey Dr. C, can you address this parent-adult child dysfunction in depth some time? Thanks!
I hear you from Germany, Angela. Our (only) adult son left us 4 years ago, no message since. He's 25 now and recently even left my narcissistic mother with whom he was living (could be they got some differences too). It was difficult living with him though so we're quite fine without him. Yet it is very painful at times but it is getting better. We're only stewards of our children for a while and still have a life of our own. Our LORD is Jesus Christ so we can rest in His plan and promises. We are blessed to NOT have our narcs nearby but in a distance.
I understand, Angela. Mourning the living dead. A great deal of energy protecting yourself against someone who you finally realize hates you. It is heartbreaking.
The story of my life. A consolation for me to read that I am not alone. I had to break up with a child to protect myself from him. I was tired of him disrespecting me and hurting me. Difficult decision but I have peace now.
I was totally in that place. Before I found this channel I’d given up almost everything. It’s been challenging to take my life back and at the same time to hold onto my gains but I’m doing it. Thank you Dr. C. for reminding us we are worth it.
You're REALLY not alone, here! If Congress would take 10min to count the subs of all the narc channels on YT, they might take a different tack. It's in the millions now.
@@MegDD3912 It takes time to make progress but if you keep going each day, eventually you’ll get there and your life will be much better than it is now.
I wish I could do something in return for you Dr Carter. I am so incredibly grateful that you are alive. I couldn’t have made it without you. I’m so so grateful to you. You are so wonderful and kind to all of us and so incredibly helpful. Thank you a thousand times and then some more.
I remember saying to myself, “Is this a deal-breaker?” Then telling myself, “This isn’t a deal-breaker” to rationalize her behavior that in hindsight was just not acceptable.
Spot on. It takes a height of arrogance to appoint oneself authority over someone else’s feelings, decisions, perceptions and actions. Those narcissistic people are insane.
This became more obvious during the discard phase. It was more confusing subtle for a long time, but I never realized how bad it got over time. Then when you are in discard you realize that nothing about you is any good to them. Mine was a workaholic alcoholic covert genius....we were always working as a team, a great team, and looking forward to traveling, but they always do the future faking, bait & switch....you realize what you were promised will never happen, and it is somehow your fault because you dared to speak up and stand up for yourself....then you are nothing to them. Then silence, ignoring, waiting because somehow he/she thinks you will just reset to the gullible believing fool you were before, and things can move forward as the narcissist planned. Pure evil. Thank you for this video; it is so helpful.
I'm learning to stand my ground in a very nonconfrontal way without showing weakness. He still pouts and goes silent. But I am standing. Thank you Dr. C.
I am usually so strong, having had 46 years of this. A pro. Today, though, it's got me good. An entire family in my head. Rent free. Glad to be able to come to this and clear my head. Thank you.
It's so sad to be in this position. These people are frauds, thieves assault and battery and, attempted homicidal criminals if you look at it truthfully. They are a gang of 1 fully loaded with weapons we can't fight off .
A good way to tell if you’re dealing with a narcissist is when you can literally relate to everything Dr. C says in these videos!!! It’s checking all the boxes and definitely makes the reasons that we put up boundaries much more validated! 🙌🏼
This is so true! The problem is, I was dealing with a covert narcissist so I didn't spot at first that her trying to "make my life more meaningful" by getting me back into church, having me give up my friends and take my career in a different direction was all part of her plan to "lock me down" until she got what she wanted. As someone once said, give these people an inch and they take a mile!
Exactly lol! So why conform? Long term, nurturing self respect and living into your own life is a much better route, even despite the inevitable rage from them (they'll somehow create a way to get angry anyway)
spot on .. can't say "Thank you," to them, they look for any reason to take credit .. can't say "Okay, you were right this time," to them, they look for any reason to take credit .. can't say "I apologize," to them, they look for any reason to take credit the only thing to do to keep safe from these damaging people is to see them for what they are and then stay away .. if you can
Count the cost of caving in. Not worth it. Too high a price. Don't yield. You are precious, highly valued, only one of the real true you.....don't yield, don't defend. Stay your course, fight to be your one true you. Value YOU! Who made anyone the boss of you? Express your birthright, your humanity, your decency. 🎶🎵Respect Yourself🎵🎶
Dr C. batting 1.000 here! You will get to this stage in the relationship right after the love-bombing phase is over. It is a change in the dynamic of the relationship that you will notice. While you may be tempted to go along with it for the sake of the relationship, I would advise you to more than ever, show your independence, and don't compromise your values. If you show great resolve & some backbone, you may scare them off, and save yourself a lot of emotional strain in the long run.
If I had a dollar for every time I said, "Why bother?"! I told myself that I was going along because: I was an easy-going person, I'm from a big family and was used to doing/eating/watching/etc what others preferred, they were an only child so they were used to calling the shots, it was loving to put others before yourself, I shouldn't be selfish, on and on and on. Now I know it's because they are a narcissist and I yielded from the start. I never had my power until this year. Now things are changing! It's interesting to see them try to process me standing up for myself. It feels SO good, kind of scary, exciting, and very powerful. Thanks for helping me know and understand what I'm dealing with!
But the good news is, this is the beginning of becoming healthy. I think we all need to keep a check on ourselves and behavior. Be willing to look deep.
The peanut butter on toast - yes! I was told I put too much apple juice in a small cup for my little niece before a family dinner. That she wouldn't drink it all. She drank it all. That time I actually stood up for myself saying I have a daughter myself and know how to pour a cup of juice. Thank you for this. I will work on being more aware of instances where yielding is taking place. It's true.
Every narcissist I’ve met has a problem with memory, cognitive issues, lack of sense, and on and on because of their fouled perception and their habit of turning blame on them on to those who have a legitimate issue with them.
Even though I have been married to a Narcissist and had a Narcissistic girlfriend as well, it is still difficult for myself as a very empathic person to grasp the concept that a person who says they love you [ they don't love they just need !! ] has no wish whatsoever for you to be happy, they just want you to always do what they want and need, stop all your interests, isolate you from your friends and make you feel really bad about yourself, truly cruel people
If you could ever really understand then you'd be like them, you know? It can be like a pin stuck in your brain...wondering why. But you can at least feel better knowing that your inability to understand how they can be this way means you still have a working heart. I wish you the best.
I appreciate your vids so much. I just "liked" this vid and noticed that in 3 hours, you've already had 3.2 K views! I had no idea that there were so many of us in the same boat! This is such a troubled world. Thank you for helping us to process all that we are dealing with in our own situations with narcissists so that we can find our place on Team Healthy! God bless you and your family--including Gus! 🙂
When my NM died, I was so exhausted & broken. I was filled with anger, bitterness, and resentment. I hated who I had become. Now, every day, I am working on getting me back and letting go of the anger, bitterness, and resentment. Relearning who I am & my values...becoming the person I was, but better. It's been a long hard & painful road...baby steps and re-imgine a new life for myself.
“Wore me down until I was literally hospitalized “20 years of that crap! I had to go no contact and it was the best decision I ever made, And this is my own daughter!😢. It’s been a year and a half and I’m feeling pretty darn good. Thank you Dr. C for your wonderful videos and keep doing what you do for us🎉🦋 BTW, she has an email, she can email me anytime and want to talk. But she has not in a year and a half! That just goes to show you!
@@dsaylor36 when I used to allow phone calls and texts from my ex husband it would make me sick and took about 2-3 days to recover. No contact works for me.
@@dsaylor36 thank you, however, did you read my whole comments? I stated I don’t want the stress anymore, I’m learning how to deal with it. I’m 65 years old and I don’t have much time for my life and I want to live happy and I am bent on doing that, they don’t stress me out anymore… No contact was the best decision I ever made in my life I am never ever going back, I’m going forward I know it’s really hard, but I wanna live my life, happy, joyous and free whatever it takes! And I’m learning quite fast thanks to my eagerness to move quickly. I’m retired now, so I have all the Time in the world for ME. 🦋👍🐶
@@dm3144 I don't think the other person was disrespecting you, just warning you that any contact (even email) can create a wound and a way for them to abuse us more. They aren't fond of putting things in writing as it is evidence though so she probably won't email you.
@@dsaylor36 I agree. Adrenal fatigue can really hammer the body with cortisol which in effect can lower the immune system, wreck the gut and digestion system etc.. I didn't want to believe that every contact with them is an opportunity for them to abuse you but it is absolutely true. I've noticed with my Narcissist father that he notices when I back off to heal. When I come back he doubles down on the abuse and provocation and my adrenals go through the roof. I can only lie on the couch for days to weeks after because it is basically being retraumatised over and over and over again. I only go to see them because my mum is there. I already told her that if it wasn't for her, I wouldn't go at all as my dad acts as if he has already become demonic at this stage. The problem is that my mum now exhibits reactive abuse that she takes out on me when I go there to care for her. I said that if she continues to do this then that will be it for me. I try to look beyond the abuse but it literally renders me physically paralysed. Shaking, loss of appetite/ weight. Nightmares, weeping, rage, heart pain... The list goes on and on. If it is only one relative and that relative is malignantly abusive then I would try to move on. You cannot have a relationship as it is just sheer abuse and nothing else. They don't see us as human, they objectify us as though they are superhuman and godlike and we are just kettles and toasters. This justifies their abuse of us. I actually think this is demonic possession and that these people are unwitting tools for the destruction of humanity. I don't know if they realise this, that they are just demonic pawns but they do seem to be very cruel and sadistic. The problem with narcissism is it never improves only worsens with time. They have a seared conscience and a reprobate mind. They enjoy evil and will admit it to your face. You cannot save such people, only Jesus can and most of them do not repent even on their deathbeds. They really are Satan's spiritual children. The only hope for them is decomposition as this is like a total nervous breakdown. I think that the demon inside them leaves them when all the supply (fear/worship) runs out and all that is left is an empty shell of a person and the stunted child that never grew up. That is an incredibly terrified and traumatised child that let the demon possess them in the first place. Most Narcissists commit suicide at this stage as they can't face the shame inside them. If they realised they are overwhelmed and called on Jesus Christ then they could be saved but most would rather take their life than kneel to God. At root even in the stunted and frightened child seems to be an arrogant and insolent pride that would rather be controlled by demons than God. God is their only hope. Unless you have the Holy Spirit in you, they will destroy you. You are not dealing just with a human here but a demonically possessed one. The demon's only function is to destroy you and the narcissist is the willing yet unwitting accomplice.
I like his advice at the end. Very clear and practical. "If that other individual wants me to yield and give up myself, I'm not going to do that. I need to go ahead and follow through on my initiatives, I'm going to hold my opinions, I'm going to be what I need to be, I'm going to follow through with my preferences, and if that person doesn't like it, they don't like it.... They're miserable unhappy people, and when you're with them, they're going to spew it. You don't have to yield to that. That's their problem that they have to come to terms with. And don't defend who you are. Just be what you are and if they're going to be miserable what that says is, we don't have a really good relationship, then. ... It's not going to be anything beyond a functional relationship, it it's that at all. ... I accept that you're a very disturbed person and I'm going to be properly me." Dr. Les Carter I hope that's ok that I copied that down and I hope I got it right. I think it is so good and I think I'm going to type it up bigger and put it on my wall. Narcissists are so dominating and aggressive it is at times hard to hold your ground, but I also like what you said about being worth bothering about. Very true. Best thing is to stay away from them if possible. Thank you for this video. It came at a good time.
You only have one chance to be you! - that is powerful dr Carter❤ Spot on! Let us be truly us ❤ not somebody we are not because we were conditioned to minimise ourselves in order to please others. If you were raised by narcisistic parents your life is a constant uphil struggle, you feel desperate and hopeless and depressed most of your life until you awaken and see the dysfunction which led to the misery. And I am so grateful to have been given the chance to wake up❤ Thank you and God bless you dr Carter❤
I had constant physical bashings, psychologically downtrodden, I grew up broken. Even tho he left in 1975 l have trouble believing I'm worthy. And when you are damaged like that you attract other narcissists. Damaged folk are honest and empathetic. To a narcissistic shark _that's blood in the water_
100% true. They're not really parents, more like jailers punishing when want rewarding when want. Only their needs count. Then you spend decades wondering what wrong and making bad decisions ✌
They get worse and break more boundaries the more you let them. The thing is, many do not know the narcissist disorder in a person. You cant protect yourself from them if you don’t understand the dynamic and that is a personality disorder that is devastating.. knowing is powerful and it sure helps the self esteem protect itself..
This was my life! Now, I'm piecing all the abuse together. I don't ask why this happened to me but I do say "can I move on from this" and "I'm better than this". Good luck to all and stick with Dr. C and team healthy!
Hi from California Dr. Carter, Gus and Team Healthy. So true because they do wear one down and you end up complaining to someone else. You can never do anythiing right and whatever you buy for the home is wrong. This video is so right on point and like the story of my life. I find that I will say things I would never said before but I don't care anymore. Thank you for a great video Dr. Carter and you are a blessing for us here.
If u can, please everyone who can, just keep being in charge of your life. I too spent too many hours attempting to understand the evil. Only to realize the narcs don't care. And life is short. And Life is short for them too. So instead get help. I do. I'm worth loving and saving. It's OK to lose my mom's dresses, after she died. She wants me to rather preserve myself. Not old clothes. Honor for the family member who did value you. The family may have already "killed them off." But Thank God for their genuine love and affirmation. And please keep listening and supporting D. C and others like him. Because ones need to be taught how to deal with the NARC. Learn and live our best loving life.
The more you yield to narcissist the more and deeper your brain is programmed to stay in that pattern, psychologically you can reprogram your brain, and set psychological boundaries with a mysterious smile that’s exuberant of confidence.
Yielding, nice word for submission. Not doing that got me in a lot of trouble. I'd like some credit for the times I met them halfway, but that's not the same.
Can you do more videos on covert narcissists? I feel like the majority of your content is on grandiose narcissists and they act totally different than coverts. It would also be helpful to have playlists on each type and how to deal. Thanks for sharing all your knowledge.
So, so true. I am destroyed. Worn down with none of me left. I have started to fight back, oh my it is tough. Thank you for the support and explanations of my life.
This is spot on! Once I started becoming more independent Mr. Narcissist started using intermittent reinforcement more to gain control back. The games just kept going, I felt like I was on a rollercoaster ride I couldn’t get off. The only peace I had was to agree, shut up and listen. After feeing depressed and not having a voice for years I rebelled again and got off the rollercoaster finally. I finally feel free!
It isnt rebellion but a return to order. Narcissists like Satan are in rebellion against God's order. We are not supposed to worship humans and they know it. They are in rebellion not us. They are in the wrong demanding worship, it is idolatry..the Bible says there is a demon behind every false god craving worship. So you know what is behind every Narcissist? A demon!
“Why don’t they want help? They don’t think there’s anything wrong with them (ego syntonic).” They may not think it, but they do feel what's wrong. As practitioners understand more deeply this disorder of the self, they are beginning to provide healing modalities which do appeal to them, a beginning which health insurance generally hasn’t caught up with yet. I agree, though, it’s our job to attend to our own healing. Fortunately, there are now more opportunities for healing on both sides of this coin.
Even after I divorced my ex , he would continue to make passes at me, whenever we found ourselves at family gatherings that involved our sons. It was obvious that his frustration was mounting, because I showed very little interest in him, only tolerance. He knew he lost the best relationship he ever had, and destroyed our family. The day that I finally shut him down changed his attitude about ever pursuing me further, and all the sudden I was the monster. The childish tantrum he resorted to, along with the most evil of smear campaigns against me, almost destroyed me. All because I wouldn't give in to him.
Yielding is the most , perfect and appropriate word to describe my relationship with my husband of 52 years of marriage . Over the last few years ,thanks to Dr C . things have changed . He continues trying to find other ways to disturb my peace , but I now have greater knowledge. Love from Australia 🇦🇺
Excellent timing. The whole cycle of a text here, pic there, assumptions and subtle demands is taking a toll on my daughter. Thankfully along with her therapy, your guidance is helping me stay clear when she asks, "Should I or shouldn't I?".
I wish I'd had the courage to do this decades ago, but I always felt I was being a bad and difficult person if I didn't yield. That was what I was told by my whole family and in the end it just wore me down. The shaming was just too much to deal with. Endlessly framed as difficult, as someone who loved conflict, if I didn't just go along to get along. I'd love Dr Carter to do a video on how to overcome and face down the family mobbing that ensues when you refuse to yield
Whoo, boy! I’m riding the struggle bus on this topic. If I give my narcissistic mother an inch, she takes as many miles as she can get her hands on before I shut her out entirely again. Rinse and repeat. In my mind it feels like she has all these tentacles that shove my proverbial doors open and wrap around me and my whole existence if I give her even the tiniest opportunity. I tried to address this issue in therapy several years ago, but my therapist didn’t seem to understand what I wanted to achieve- to be able to have contact and keep strong boundaries. It became so frustrating that I quit therapy because I felt too broken for her to be able to help.
I like the way you explained how it is to deal with a narcissist. You have a creative way with words. Based on my own personal experience with my mum as well as other narcissists I have had to deal with AND therapists, therapists JUST DO NOT UNDERSTAND NARCISSISM (not yelling… I use caps to stress importance.) I do not understand why what Dr Carter teaches here on his channel is not taught on a collegiate level with mental health driven curriculum. And then I also wonder- perhaps your therapist does understand what you’re hoping to achieve but knows how it is either not possible OR simply very challenging to maneuver. It’s been my experience that it can’t be done. Still, I wish you all the best as you figure out if it can be done for yourself. (edited for typos)
I can relate to your experience with your mother. I tried my BEST to help mine but she never could grasp the fact that I am an adult now w my own life, my own ways of doing things AND thinking with my own ideals and values and I am not changing them, period. I just said, no more. I am not a "hateful" person bc I do not agree w you; if that were true then by her own words SHE is a hateful person for not agreeing w me. Everything she ever accused me of I could easily turn it around and put her name on it. I no longer am her target and I am so glad I removed myself from her incessant "you're so hateful" accusations.
Same. This is what I did for a lot of years, I cut my my parents out completely because of the lack of respect for boundaries, and same thing as you happened to me with counseling. The counselor just kept saying I should have a talk with them or write them a letter about my feelings, but I couldn't because I couldn't even say to them I didn't feel like they were listening to me without them yelling at me and telling me I'm wrong, they do so listen and I shouldn't say those things about them (not listening to me about not listening to me). Anytime I'd try to establish a connection again after shutting them out it'd revert to the same old. Everything would be taken personally as an attack on them, me being "negative" and me being "disrespectful" and "arguing" and "having an attitude" whenever my opinions, thoughts, and feelings were different than theirs and I tried to state them or I just made my own decisions and didn't follow their orders (in college they told me to get rid of my 12 year old dog and I didn't. They weren't happy); my personal things would get used because they had a "right" to anything that was mine....growing up and even coming home on visits as an adult I couldn't choose my own favorite pizza toppings, couldn't choose the clothes I wanted to wear, couldn't listen to the music I wanted to listen to, movies I wanted to watch, couldn't drink coffee, basically treated like an infant with no capability of being my own person and any time I tried I'd get criticized, yelled at, emotionally abused, physically abused(as a kid), constantly told how wrong I was or was called crazy and a liar for "making things up". As an adult when I was in a car wreck because of black ice I was blamed for it happening and they were mad at me and made all sorts of comments about it/me, and said I never should have driven in those conditions (though it was dry and sunny when I left), yet I was going to spend the holiday with them and if I hadn't they would have been mad and I'd never have heard the end of how I'm selfish and don't spend time with them and don't care about them. Couldn''t do the "right" thing no matter what you do. So I definitely needed help finding out how to set and keep strong boundaries with them and these types of people. I sure didn't have them growing up because of the way I was raised in this mess. Since counseling was expensive and didn't really help with this, I am so glad people out there are sharing this information FOR FREE. I had no idea all of this was narcissism and my experience is actually explainable. And now I can heal and grow from it and the poor coping mechanisms I learned as a kid to protect myself - but that doesn't work well as an adult especially dealing with this same issue at a job with a boss! Wow!
The "king" or "queen" is quite accurate. They somehow think they're above everything. Wish there's more equality in the world. Then there will be no need for hierarchy since we're all human. The implications of yielding is to lose one's self. Despite giving in to all their wishes, they're still not content and it feels like it's a must to satisfy them because they're the king or queen of the hierarchy they're in. The reciprocation of investing both ways is very relatable. The investing is usually one-sided and the more that is given, the more empty a person feels. A person cannot continuously pour endlessly without being refilled.
This is such an interesting video. My adult daughters have commented now that I left the narcissist and am in a healthy relationship that I seem so calm, relaxed and so much happier. We started out by comparing and contrasting Dr. Carter videos about almost two years ago. It is a nice beginning to a relationship discussing what a healthy relationship is and the value of good character and ethical considerations and values.😊
My narcissist parent uses me as an emotional punching bag and a scapegoat, I feel healthier and more productive when I go no contact. Unfortunately, the narcissist keeps contacting me to spread misery and guilt. I get a knot in my stomach every time my phone rings.
Wow. Just EVERY time you post something I think: "wow, that's exactly how I felt." Or "that's exactly what I did." Thank you so much for helping me put things into context.
Dr.C, could you please do a video on the topic of 'bad therapists'? I've had several experiences with narcissistic therapists that left me retraumatized every time. I think people should be warned and advised about what to do in such a case.
We learned last Friday, through social media, that our son was moving from Paris to New York for his job ... on Tuesday! He's been under the thumb of a narcissist for 12 years. This man hasn't worked for years, he has been living off our son, who had no homosexual tendencies in the past. Just before getting the plane, our son texted our daughter to tell her that they have been in an official civil union for 6 years, and that they got married in December, so that his partner could go with him to the US! We are heartbroken!
Nailed it doctor 👍🏽 I thought it was me being paranoid. I was guilty of reactive abuse more n more because I was fighting inside myself like I was drowning . Similarly I starting to become subservient and subconsciously pulling away and planning a future exit. It’s odd because I didn’t want to leave her but part of me knew I’d not survive if I didn’t. I told her I was becoming a person I don’t like because of the constant stress
Once went to a big family dinner at a seafood restaurant that had a weekly buffet that nMom considered a bargain. I decided I wanted something else on the menu, not the buffet... and I'll never forget how nMom glared at me with utter disdain, like "how dare you," for deviating from her plan... even though I was an adult in my 30s at the time! I was so stunned that I yielded, getting the buffet after all... but it was a pivotal moment that opened my eyes to her relentless need for control, which I have gotten better and better at resisting.
@shizzyfinn, You just have to shake your head at why people need you to eat the way THEY eat! My father made me eat all kinds of weird stuff like pigs feet and jellied meats with unrecognizable bits embedded. He took it personally when I didn't care to see him as a role model, not only with food. Yes, you can resist letting other people tell you who you need to be, so that they can feel that THEIR ideas and preferences are the superior ones. As an elderly woman now, (and not eating any weird stuff), I can only guess that my father wanted an emotional bond with me, but somehow didn't have the skills to get to know ME. (As different from him.) Sometimes I believe such needs for control can be an awkward and misguided hope for some sort of bond.
Yes my dad still tries to control me and my 73 year olds mother diet. We went out for lunch and said to the waitress 'three bacon sandwiches' without even asking what we wanted. I made a scene in front of the waitress so we ended up getting what we wanted.
We also were forced to eat disgusting things when we were children like pickles and smoked kippers that still make me gag when thinking about. My cousin told us she developed anorexia from her other narc cousin force feeding her til she was sick.
Husband says there is one way to do dishes, his way. 😈 Well that night I washed the dishes my way. Then I showed him the dishes & asked him "are they clean"? His reply was yes. I then told him the order I washed such dishes in, followed by they are clean. He's looking at me confused, when I made the statement "there's more than one way to wash dishes! In other words THE DISHES ARE CLEAN! And yep it pissed him off.
The older I get the more I protect my peace, time, energy, finances and more from toxic selfish manipulaters
AMEN!!!!
Indeed dear...
Here, here. I live in Waller County. So many of us say the same thing, without knowing. Not every citizen can know one another. But we all experience the wearing down.
From that energy i got sick ,when he is present i feel so bad ,need to choose the words and if I say no it gets worse
Me too!!!!!! ❤
Just saying "NO" triggers a narcissists rage.
Agreed 👍 But the no word is absolutely necessary for our sanity. Take care 🙏
Exactly which is really weird 😅
Exactly but they don't mind saying no to you
Sometimes even just implying you won't do this exactly how they want does that.
You don't get to have your own perspective or do it on your own terms.
No triggers any person who does not want to hear ‘no’..
As you yield to the narcissist you become a person you cannot recognize
You probably didn't recognize let alone know yourself beforehand
EXACTLY what I realized when I healed.
So true.
Yes. Listening to podcasts like Dr. C's will empower you. Letting go of self-blame & self-doubt by knowing what you're dealing with can help you regain yourself.
They make you into somebody you're not. Someone you don't want to be. And WHO that person is, you eventually realize....is them.
If this is a dynamic that has been present since childhood, you don't even realize that you are yielding. You don't realize that this dynamic is not universal.
Exactly. In other words, there can be a brainwashing element.
@@SurvivingNarcissism I agree 100%
Yes… normalcy biases are a real issue
Absolutely. I thought abuse could only be physical. Boy was I wrong! Out of the frying pan into the fire!
I've become frustrated, angry, negative, cynical, less patient, less creative, less peaceful, I've had a hard time holding on to the nuance that I usually want to have, it has taken such an IMMENSE toll on my mental health and welbeing. I'm not happy and blissful as I used to be and I've been chronically emotionally exhausted for a few years. It is utter torment and has made me instinctively averse to certain people that I used to have in my life. I had something similar ages ago in my teens, but I'd dare say it's been far worse in my adulthood...
I’m a grow a*s women and refuse to be told what and how to do it anymore. I’m done with these negative, nasty people. The ones that told me that they love me are the ones that treat me the worst.
Once you give an inch, it's all downhill from there. They know you are moveable and will use it to their advantage.
yes
…they plow right over you.
Edited to add… and then they back over you and repeat the process over and over and over again until YOU put an end to the yielding .
Until you find boundaries!!
My non-reacting quietness, a smile, a shrug, even a chortle became a spike strip around me. That allowed freedom to end the gaslit yielding. For me.
This is spot on. Currently, my narc sister has locked me out of the family house, stolen all my late mum's jewelry and belongings including mine. I live in a small town and even the local cops believe her, all without proof, when I complained to their superior they set out to 'teach me a lesson' by hanging up when I try and report the theft. I'm getting over a heart attack, and I can't believe people have zero conscience.
Can you find a lawyer?
@@goldalevin869 lawyers in my town are working from home, and won't work pro bono, am trying in larger cities. Just when you think your family narc won't go that far.
..they do. Thanks for the message. ❤️
Oh gosh what a nightmare.
I had to just let the items go & get a lawyer for my share of the house.
The small town thing is a BIG DEAL bc the narc has spent its time getting ppl set up to work for it & against you.
I got thru it & I pray you will.
I no longer communicate with my 2 sibs.
Going on 3 years now.
Emotion regulates your physical health so try to detach bc your heart is broken.
Take care of yourself first.
🙏
😮😢😮
I went through something very similar years ago. My sister spent years working to shut me out of the family. She finally succeeded. It is all about control & entitlement. I had a similar "locked out of the house" episode also. It has taken me years to work through all of this, and I still can't let it go. I did have the satisfaction of shutting her out of my life, and I have never been sorry. She, on the other hand must live her life in a constant state of hyper-vigilance, fearful that something might go wrong behind her back. A pastor once told me that these people live a life of chaos because of who they are. Based on what I know about her life I would say that this is true.
Trying to please someone who is never happy can be exhausting.
The narcissist trains their target to their way of thinking because at first it seems easier to just go along to get along. Eventually the target loses all sense of themselves and their autonomy before they even know what is happening.
now that i am divorced and away from the situation listening to this makes it crystal clear what wore me down to the point i could barely function.
Right? Same situation. It is SO clear now that I'm no contact with my ex-husband (covert narc) and so so so much healthier than I was with him.
Yes, exactly me too. Crystal clear. From disabled with chronic fatigue and unexplained pain, high blood pressure, and depression to reversing 80% until one day of a bad mistake to allow contact, I'm recovering from that still, a week later.
Word
Yes, he,the former husband, sucked energy from me like a vampire.
"I'm going to accept that you are a very disturbed person and then I'm going to be properly me" best advice ever !
'At some point you realise that some people can stay in your heart but not in your LIFE'.
Like a shark tasting blood in the water, it will circle and bump, looking for a reaction. If reaction is given, it will attack.
Yup! #TeamHealthy
And if a reaction isn't given they will try a new direction. Take care 🙏
Absolutely Aaron. Also the same when there isn't a drop of blood anywhere. Innocent situations, "nice" evenings out, special events, all ruined by out of the blue unprovoked unessesary rages or crazy accusations🙏
@@sturobertson6791 I was thinking (but didn’t add) that they tend to target the wounded. After wounding their target.
Great imagery!
If we yield to them~in their minds, they have us. Like some object they proudly acquired. And, if you push back on the ownership~brace yourself for the onslaught.
Yep. It's not till you have that 1st major disagreement or difference of opinion you think " What the hell have I got myself onto here?" 😳😱
I was groomed to yield. That's what a husband is supposed to do. You know, for love. Got Ephesians 5:25 quoted often. I never, ever countered with 5:22.
@@aaronkwolfe I'd wager that 5:22 would've been greeted w/ distortion or silent treatment of biblical proportions.
@@istateyourname4710 Lol. I’d only bet on a sure thing. You’d have won that one.
"YOU ONLY HAVE ONE CHANCE TO BE YOU"
I just kept saying wow! When you said this it really hit me.
Thank you for all you do for team healthy ❤ I am so grateful for so many things you've taught
yes. I have become a nagging, tired, bitch, tired, tired, sulking, critical. I used to be FUN! don't even like myself now. at all. and why diet or exercise? who cares? nope. (married to a covert N)
The hardest and most painful aspect of going no contact with a narcissist is when your adult child is the narcissist. It's the heartbreaking mourning of your child, which is similar to mourning a death. Except that your child is still alive. There are no words that express how painful that is, especially during birthdays and holidays. 😢
No one but a parent can understand. I call it perpetual mourning. I don’t even recognize the loving child I raised, and yet I still love him. I just can’t love him enough to stop his abuse of me. And, I can’t live with it anymore. I will forever mourn! 😢
I hear you, and I feel your pain. My adult daughter hung up on me on Christmas day and discarded me from her life, just because of a difference of opinion. It's extremely painful and bewildering. It's also hard to find this particular subject discussed on most narcissism channels--they mostly refer to romantic relationships, which are so much easier to end than parent-child relationships (been there on that one too). Hey Dr. C, can you address this parent-adult child dysfunction in depth some time? Thanks!
I hear you from Germany, Angela. Our (only) adult son left us 4 years ago, no message since. He's 25 now and recently even left my narcissistic mother with whom he was living (could be they got some differences too). It was difficult living with him though so we're quite fine without him. Yet it is very painful at times but it is getting better. We're only stewards of our children for a while and still have a life of our own. Our LORD is Jesus Christ so we can rest in His plan and promises. We are blessed to NOT have our narcs nearby but in a distance.
I understand, Angela. Mourning the living dead. A great deal of energy protecting yourself against someone who you finally realize hates you. It is heartbreaking.
The story of my life. A consolation for me to read that I am not alone. I had to break up with a child to protect myself from him. I was tired of him disrespecting me and hurting me. Difficult decision but I have peace now.
I was totally in that place. Before I found this channel I’d given up almost everything. It’s been challenging to take my life back and at the same time to hold onto my gains but I’m doing it. Thank you Dr. C. for reminding us we are worth it.
Been there. Alone can be a dark place. Not anymore. Now I can bring the light.
You got this!
You're REALLY not alone, here! If Congress would take 10min to count the subs of all the narc channels on YT, they might take a different tack. It's in the millions now.
I'm in that place now. So glad to see more people starting to learn about their type of behavior
@@MegDD3912 It takes time to make progress but if you keep going each day, eventually you’ll get there and your life will be much better than it is now.
I wish I could do something in return for you Dr Carter. I am so incredibly grateful that you are alive. I couldn’t have made it without you. I’m so so grateful to you. You are so wonderful and kind to all of us and so incredibly helpful. Thank you a thousand times and then some more.
This channel is life changing
So pleased!
I remember saying to myself, “Is this a deal-breaker?” Then telling myself, “This isn’t a deal-breaker” to rationalize her behavior that in hindsight was just not acceptable.
I'm just exhausted by them.
"inevitably whatever you want IS WRONG" ... Scarily accurate. 😢
To believe in oneself is the beginning of healthy boundaries as oppose to yielding.
Yes!
It’s so difficult tho fred trying to stuck to your boundaries. Am exhausted . 😧
@@lynnfincham6839 psychological boundaries,verbal boundaries to some extend so does not become yielding.
Spot on. It takes a height of arrogance to appoint oneself authority over someone else’s feelings, decisions, perceptions and actions. Those narcissistic people are insane.
I only realized recently that I yielded to her many years ago so I could keep the peace externally, only to end up losing my peace internally.
Powerful statement, made me reflect on how true it is. Thank you for helping to shine a light through your comment.
Perfected stated.
This became more obvious during the discard phase. It was more confusing subtle for a long time, but I never realized how bad it got over time. Then when you are in discard you realize that nothing about you is any good to them. Mine was a workaholic alcoholic covert genius....we were always working as a team, a great team, and looking forward to traveling, but they always do the future faking, bait & switch....you realize what you were promised will never happen, and it is somehow your fault because you dared to speak up and stand up for yourself....then you are nothing to them. Then silence, ignoring, waiting because somehow he/she thinks you will just reset to the gullible believing fool you were before, and things can move forward as the narcissist planned. Pure evil. Thank you for this video; it is so helpful.
I'm learning to stand my ground in a very nonconfrontal way without showing weakness. He still pouts and goes silent. But I am standing. Thank you Dr. C.
I am usually so strong, having had 46 years of this. A pro. Today, though, it's got me good. An entire family in my head. Rent free. Glad to be able to come to this and clear my head. Thank you.
Glad it resonated...best wishes!
It's so sad to be in this position. These people are frauds, thieves assault and battery and, attempted homicidal criminals if you look at it truthfully. They are a gang of 1 fully loaded with weapons we can't fight off .
When my now ex told me I had to quit college (I was 45 and had gone back on grants, scholarships, and loan) or he would leave me, I said no. He left.
... and we hope you are doing well in school!
Yes!!! Good for you hunny!!!
Wish I had the courage to do that awhile back. ☹️
Relentless is the exact word that applies, and it's exhausting
A good way to tell if you’re dealing with a narcissist is when you can literally relate to everything Dr. C says in these videos!!! It’s checking all the boxes and definitely makes the reasons that we put up boundaries much more validated! 🙌🏼
This is so true! The problem is, I was dealing with a covert narcissist so I didn't spot at first that her trying to "make my life more meaningful" by getting me back into church, having me give up my friends and take my career in a different direction was all part of her plan to "lock me down" until she got what she wanted. As someone once said, give these people an inch and they take a mile!
Another thing that happens is that even when you conform, you somehow managed to do something wrong.
Exactly lol! So why conform? Long term, nurturing self respect and living into your own life is a much better route, even despite the inevitable rage from them (they'll somehow create a way to get angry anyway)
@@TheTELproductions Never in my life did I think my defense in an argument would be "I'm agreeing with you".
@@Satiator123 I've said the same words, I try not to anymore unless it's actually true, but still learning
Bingo!
spot on
.. can't say "Thank you," to them, they look for any reason to take credit
.. can't say "Okay, you were right this time," to them, they look for any reason to take credit
.. can't say "I apologize," to them, they look for any reason to take credit
the only thing to do to keep safe from these damaging people is to see them for what they are and then stay away
.. if you can
If you can? You mean if you're currently with them or you "just can't let them go"?
A breath of fresh air everyday she's not in my life!! Thanks Dr. C for enunciating what so many of us simply put up with.
Count the cost of caving in. Not worth it. Too high a price. Don't yield. You are precious, highly valued, only one of the real true you.....don't yield, don't defend. Stay your course, fight to be your one true you. Value YOU! Who made anyone the boss of you? Express your birthright, your humanity, your decency. 🎶🎵Respect Yourself🎵🎶
💯❤💕❤
Dr C. batting 1.000 here! You will get to this stage in the relationship right after the love-bombing phase is over. It is a change in the dynamic of the relationship that you will notice. While you may be tempted to go along with it for the sake of the relationship, I would advise you to more than ever, show your independence, and don't compromise your values. If you show great resolve & some backbone, you may scare them off, and save yourself a lot of emotional strain in the long run.
For the sake of a relationship
If I had a dollar for every time I said, "Why bother?"! I told myself that I was going along because: I was an easy-going person, I'm from a big family and was used to doing/eating/watching/etc what others preferred, they were an only child so they were used to calling the shots, it was loving to put others before yourself, I shouldn't be selfish, on and on and on. Now I know it's because they are a narcissist and I yielded from the start. I never had my power until this year. Now things are changing! It's interesting to see them try to process me standing up for myself. It feels SO good, kind of scary, exciting, and very powerful. Thanks for helping me know and understand what I'm dealing with!
👏👏👏👍😊
Disturbed person sums it up!
But the good news is, this is the beginning of becoming healthy. I think we all need to keep a check on ourselves and behavior. Be willing to look deep.
Cooperate and Coordinate. Never.
Chaos and confusion are their ways. Evil!
The peanut butter on toast - yes! I was told I put too much apple juice in a small cup for my little niece before a family dinner. That she wouldn't drink it all. She drank it all. That time I actually stood up for myself saying I have a daughter myself and know how to pour a cup of juice. Thank you for this. I will work on being more aware of instances where yielding is taking place. It's true.
Keep learning, Sarah!
Every narcissist I’ve met has a problem with memory, cognitive issues, lack of sense, and on and on because of their fouled perception and their habit of turning blame on them on to those who have a legitimate issue with them.
Omg. 🤯 Yes.
Once I realize I'm dealing with a narc, I simply completely withdraw. If the narc takes that signal as a win, fine, as long as I don't engage.
Even though I have been married to a Narcissist and had a Narcissistic girlfriend as well, it is still difficult for myself as a very empathic person to grasp the concept that a person who says they love you [ they don't love they just need !! ] has no wish whatsoever for you to be happy, they just want you to always do what they want and need, stop all your interests, isolate you from your friends and make you feel really bad about yourself, truly cruel people
And when you lose your shit you then become the issue. I’ve just gotten out of one and I’m a walking zombie…she’s moved on within 3 weeks
If you could ever really understand then you'd be like them, you know? It can be like a pin stuck in your brain...wondering why. But you can at least feel better knowing that your inability to understand how they can be this way means you still have a working heart. I wish you the best.
@@mickyzzzeeeI hope you are at least a little better now, since you posted this comment. Her moving on so quickly is very likely a front anyway.
I appreciate your vids so much. I just "liked" this vid and noticed that in 3 hours, you've already had 3.2 K views! I had no idea that there were so many of us in the same boat! This is such a troubled world. Thank you for helping us to process all that we are dealing with in our own situations with narcissists so that we can find our place on Team Healthy! God bless you and your family--including Gus! 🙂
🔺️ Boundaries 🔺️
When my NM died, I was so exhausted & broken. I was filled with anger, bitterness, and resentment. I hated who I had become. Now, every day, I am working on getting me back and letting go of the anger, bitterness, and resentment. Relearning who I am & my values...becoming the person I was, but better. It's been a long hard & painful road...baby steps and re-imgine a new life for myself.
Jesus will get you there a lot quicker
@@lastthingsministry Pray that HE does. Thank you.
True
Life is too short - you only have one chance to be the true you
Don’t let the narcissist ruin that one only chance
A new supply came like an angel and took my ex-narc. Thank god!
“Wore me down until I was literally hospitalized “20 years of that crap! I had to go no contact and it was the best decision I ever made, And this is my own daughter!😢. It’s been a year and a half and I’m feeling pretty darn good. Thank you Dr. C for your wonderful videos and keep doing what you do for us🎉🦋
BTW, she has an email, she can email me anytime and want to talk. But she has not in a year and a half! That just goes to show you!
@@dsaylor36 when I used to allow phone calls and texts from my ex husband it would make me sick and took about 2-3 days to recover. No contact works for me.
@@dsaylor36 from what I’ve learned, she’s not gonna contact me ever. It’s over good luck to you.
🦋
@@dsaylor36 thank you, however, did you read my whole comments? I stated I don’t want the stress anymore, I’m learning how to deal with it. I’m 65 years old and I don’t have much time for my life and I want to live happy and I am bent on doing that, they don’t stress me out anymore… No contact was the best decision I ever made in my life I am never ever going back, I’m going forward
I know it’s really hard, but I wanna live my life, happy, joyous and free whatever it takes! And I’m learning quite fast thanks to my eagerness to move quickly.
I’m retired now, so I have all the Time in the world for ME. 🦋👍🐶
@@dm3144 I don't think the other person was disrespecting you, just warning you that any contact (even email) can create a wound and a way for them to abuse us more. They aren't fond of putting things in writing as it is evidence though so she probably won't email you.
@@dsaylor36 I agree. Adrenal fatigue can really hammer the body with cortisol which in effect can lower the immune system, wreck the gut and digestion system etc.. I didn't want to believe that every contact with them is an opportunity for them to abuse you but it is absolutely true. I've noticed with my Narcissist father that he notices when I back off to heal. When I come back he doubles down on the abuse and provocation and my adrenals go through the roof. I can only lie on the couch for days to weeks after because it is basically being retraumatised over and over and over again. I only go to see them because my mum is there. I already told her that if it wasn't for her, I wouldn't go at all as my dad acts as if he has already become demonic at this stage. The problem is that my mum now exhibits reactive abuse that she takes out on me when I go there to care for her. I said that if she continues to do this then that will be it for me. I try to look beyond the abuse but it literally renders me physically paralysed. Shaking, loss of appetite/ weight. Nightmares, weeping, rage, heart pain... The list goes on and on. If it is only one relative and that relative is malignantly abusive then I would try to move on. You cannot have a relationship as it is just sheer abuse and nothing else. They don't see us as human, they objectify us as though they are superhuman and godlike and we are just kettles and toasters. This justifies their abuse of us. I actually think this is demonic possession and that these people are unwitting tools for the destruction of humanity. I don't know if they realise this, that they are just demonic pawns but they do seem to be very cruel and sadistic. The problem with narcissism is it never improves only worsens with time. They have a seared conscience and a reprobate mind. They enjoy evil and will admit it to your face. You cannot save such people, only Jesus can and most of them do not repent even on their deathbeds. They really are Satan's spiritual children. The only hope for them is decomposition as this is like a total nervous breakdown. I think that the demon inside them leaves them when all the supply (fear/worship) runs out and all that is left is an empty shell of a person and the stunted child that never grew up. That is an incredibly terrified and traumatised child that let the demon possess them in the first place. Most Narcissists commit suicide at this stage as they can't face the shame inside them. If they realised they are overwhelmed and called on Jesus Christ then they could be saved but most would rather take their life than kneel to God. At root even in the stunted and frightened child seems to be an arrogant and insolent pride that would rather be controlled by demons than God. God is their only hope. Unless you have the Holy Spirit in you, they will destroy you. You are not dealing just with a human here but a demonically possessed one. The demon's only function is to destroy you and the narcissist is the willing yet unwitting accomplice.
I like his advice at the end. Very clear and practical.
"If that other individual wants me to yield and give up myself, I'm not going to do that. I need to go ahead and follow through on my initiatives, I'm going to hold my opinions, I'm going to be what I need to be, I'm going to follow through with my preferences, and if that person doesn't like it, they don't like it.... They're miserable unhappy people, and when you're with them, they're going to spew it. You don't have to yield to that. That's their problem that they have to come to terms with. And don't defend who you are. Just be what you are and if they're going to be miserable what that says is, we don't have a really good relationship, then. ... It's not going to be anything beyond a functional relationship, it it's that at all.
... I accept that you're a very disturbed person and I'm going to be properly me."
Dr. Les Carter
I hope that's ok that I copied that down and I hope I got it right. I think it is so good and I think I'm going to type it up bigger and put it on my wall. Narcissists are so dominating and aggressive it is at times hard to hold your ground, but I also like what you said about being worth bothering about. Very true. Best thing is to stay away from them if possible. Thank you for this video. It came at a good time.
Thanks for transcription. Timing was exactly right for me too. Last evening struggling with husband and issues. God bless you. 🙏🏼
You got it! Thanks for posting this! Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissism You're welcome. It's very very helpful. Thank you!
@@CharMinsky Yeah, these seem to crop up at just the right time! Good luck.
@@wordswordswords8203 Thank you for sharing his words. I took a screenshot. 👍❤
Yep, my words were; "I give up." But became staunch in not letting them in again.
You only have one chance to be you! - that is powerful dr Carter❤ Spot on! Let us be truly us ❤ not somebody we are not because we were conditioned to minimise ourselves in order to please others. If you were raised by narcisistic parents your life is a constant uphil struggle, you feel desperate and hopeless and depressed most of your life until you awaken and see the dysfunction which led to the misery. And I am so grateful to have been given the chance to wake up❤ Thank you and God bless you dr Carter❤
I had constant physical bashings, psychologically downtrodden, I grew up broken. Even tho he left in 1975 l have trouble believing I'm worthy.
And when you are damaged like that you attract other narcissists. Damaged folk are honest and empathetic. To a narcissistic shark _that's blood in the water_
❤
100% true. They're not really parents, more like jailers punishing when want rewarding when want. Only their needs count. Then you spend decades wondering what wrong and making bad decisions ✌
Does it worth it? I mean, 50 years to the trash. I cannot deal with that. A life wasted.
They get worse and break more boundaries the more you let them. The thing is, many do not know the narcissist disorder in a person. You cant protect yourself from them if you don’t understand the dynamic and that is a personality disorder that is devastating.. knowing is powerful and it sure helps the self esteem protect itself..
This was my life! Now, I'm piecing all the abuse together. I don't ask why this happened to me but I do say "can I move on from this" and "I'm better than this". Good luck to all and stick with Dr. C and team healthy!
You only have one chance to be you. Brilliant!
My neighbors house 25 ft from mine. I do NOT engage on any level. I do my thing and let him sing ( yes sing) his warning or insult or message.
Hi from California Dr. Carter, Gus and Team Healthy. So true because they do wear one down and you end up complaining to someone else. You can never do anythiing right and whatever you buy for the home is wrong. This video is so right on point and like the story of my life. I find that I will say things I would never said before but I don't care anymore. Thank you for a great video Dr. Carter and you are a blessing for us here.
End up complaining to someone else?
You gave me a moment of peace today Dr. C. So many of your points were spot on. Thanks.
So pleased!
Forgive someone that was never sorry, accept an apology you'll never receive.....
Thank you I have been abused in every way. I’m so done and in my 60’s nothing left to give
If u can, please everyone who can, just keep being in charge of your life. I too spent too many hours attempting to understand the evil. Only to realize the narcs don't care. And life is short. And Life is short for them too. So instead get help. I do. I'm worth loving and saving. It's OK to lose my mom's dresses, after she died. She wants me to rather preserve myself. Not old clothes. Honor for the family member who did value you. The family may have already "killed them off." But Thank God for their genuine love and affirmation. And please keep listening and supporting D. C and others like him. Because ones need to be taught how to deal with the NARC. Learn and live our best loving life.
The more you yield to narcissist the more and deeper your brain is programmed to stay in that pattern, psychologically you can reprogram your brain, and set psychological boundaries with a mysterious smile that’s exuberant of confidence.
So true! The N can say “no” a million times but don’t you have the same rights.
Hey there 🐸
This happens in the workplace.
Yielding, nice word for submission. Not doing that got me in a lot of trouble. I'd like some credit for the times I met them halfway, but that's not the same.
Number one, don't do that.
So spot on never give up on your own values ❤️
Can you do more videos on covert narcissists? I feel like the majority of your content is on grandiose narcissists and they act totally different than coverts. It would also be helpful to have playlists on each type and how to deal. Thanks for sharing all your knowledge.
So, so true. I am destroyed. Worn down with none of me left. I have started to fight back, oh my it is tough. Thank you for the support and explanations of my life.
Keep learning!
The critiques ate ENDLESS..
This is spot on! Once I started becoming more independent Mr. Narcissist started using intermittent reinforcement more to gain control back. The games just kept going, I felt like I was on a rollercoaster ride I couldn’t get off. The only peace I had was to agree, shut up and listen. After feeing depressed and not having a voice for years I rebelled again and got off the rollercoaster finally. I finally feel free!
It isnt rebellion but a return to order. Narcissists like Satan are in rebellion against God's order. We are not supposed to worship humans and they know it. They are in rebellion not us. They are in the wrong demanding worship, it is idolatry..the Bible says there is a demon behind every false god craving worship. So you know what is behind every Narcissist? A demon!
Gus is such a calming presence ❤
Gus says thanks.
“Why don’t they want help? They don’t think there’s anything wrong with them (ego syntonic).” They may not think it, but they do feel what's wrong. As practitioners understand more deeply this disorder of the self, they are beginning to provide healing modalities which do appeal to them, a beginning which health insurance generally hasn’t caught up with yet. I agree, though, it’s our job to attend to our own healing. Fortunately, there are now more opportunities for healing on both sides of this coin.
Even after I divorced my ex , he would continue to make passes at me, whenever we found ourselves at family gatherings that involved our sons. It was obvious that his frustration was mounting, because I showed very little interest in him, only tolerance.
He knew he lost the best relationship he ever had, and destroyed our family. The day that I finally shut him down changed his attitude about ever pursuing me further, and all the sudden I was the monster.
The childish tantrum he resorted to, along with the most evil of smear campaigns against me, almost destroyed me. All because I wouldn't give in to him.
Thank you! ❤ You have helped me SO MUCH! Your calm wisdom is so healing & gives me strength & clarity.
Appreciate all the vids. Trying to come back from the dead after 50 yrs of enduring this crap. Hope I can.
Yielding is the most , perfect and appropriate word to describe my relationship with my husband of 52 years of marriage . Over the last few years ,thanks to Dr C . things have changed . He continues trying to find other ways to disturb my peace , but I now have greater knowledge.
Love from Australia 🇦🇺
Excellent timing. The whole cycle of a text here, pic there, assumptions and subtle demands is taking a toll on my daughter. Thankfully along with her therapy, your guidance is helping me stay clear when she asks, "Should I or shouldn't I?".
I wish I'd had the courage to do this decades ago, but I always felt I was being a bad and difficult person if I didn't yield. That was what I was told by my whole family and in the end it just wore me down. The shaming was just too much to deal with. Endlessly framed as difficult, as someone who loved conflict, if I didn't just go along to get along. I'd love Dr Carter to do a video on how to overcome and face down the family mobbing that ensues when you refuse to yield
Spot on! That is exactly how I ended up years ago. Recognizing this behavior within myself was eye opening!
So true!!! The narc I knew tried to wear me down and completely out!
Whoo, boy! I’m riding the struggle bus on this topic. If I give my narcissistic mother an inch, she takes as many miles as she can get her hands on before I shut her out entirely again. Rinse and repeat. In my mind it feels like she has all these tentacles that shove my proverbial doors open and wrap around me and my whole existence if I give her even the tiniest opportunity. I tried to address this issue in therapy several years ago, but my therapist didn’t seem to understand what I wanted to achieve- to be able to have contact and keep strong boundaries. It became so frustrating that I quit therapy because I felt too broken for her to be able to help.
I like the way you explained how it is to deal with a narcissist. You have a creative way with words. Based on my own personal experience with my mum as well as other narcissists I have had to deal with AND therapists, therapists JUST DO NOT UNDERSTAND NARCISSISM (not yelling… I use caps to stress importance.) I do not understand why what Dr Carter teaches here on his channel is not taught on a collegiate level with mental health driven curriculum. And then I also wonder- perhaps your therapist does understand what you’re hoping to achieve but knows how it is either not possible OR simply very challenging to maneuver. It’s been my experience that it can’t be done. Still, I wish you all the best as you figure out if it can be done for yourself.
(edited for typos)
I can relate to your experience with your mother. I tried my BEST to help mine but she never could grasp the fact that I am an adult now w my own life, my own ways of doing things AND thinking with my own ideals and values and I am not changing them, period. I just said, no more. I am not a "hateful" person bc I do not agree w you; if that were true then by her own words SHE is a hateful person for not agreeing w me. Everything she ever accused me of I could easily turn it around and put her name on it. I no longer am her target and I am so glad I removed myself from her incessant "you're so hateful" accusations.
I can relate. I know people like this. Take care 🙏
Same. This is what I did for a lot of years, I cut my my parents out completely because of the lack of respect for boundaries, and same thing as you happened to me with counseling. The counselor just kept saying I should have a talk with them or write them a letter about my feelings, but I couldn't because I couldn't even say to them I didn't feel like they were listening to me without them yelling at me and telling me I'm wrong, they do so listen and I shouldn't say those things about them (not listening to me about not listening to me). Anytime I'd try to establish a connection again after shutting them out it'd revert to the same old. Everything would be taken personally as an attack on them, me being "negative" and me being "disrespectful" and "arguing" and "having an attitude" whenever my opinions, thoughts, and feelings were different than theirs and I tried to state them or I just made my own decisions and didn't follow their orders (in college they told me to get rid of my 12 year old dog and I didn't. They weren't happy); my personal things would get used because they had a "right" to anything that was mine....growing up and even coming home on visits as an adult I couldn't choose my own favorite pizza toppings, couldn't choose the clothes I wanted to wear, couldn't listen to the music I wanted to listen to, movies I wanted to watch, couldn't drink coffee, basically treated like an infant with no capability of being my own person and any time I tried I'd get criticized, yelled at, emotionally abused, physically abused(as a kid), constantly told how wrong I was or was called crazy and a liar for "making things up". As an adult when I was in a car wreck because of black ice I was blamed for it happening and they were mad at me and made all sorts of comments about it/me, and said I never should have driven in those conditions (though it was dry and sunny when I left), yet I was going to spend the holiday with them and if I hadn't they would have been mad and I'd never have heard the end of how I'm selfish and don't spend time with them and don't care about them. Couldn''t do the "right" thing no matter what you do. So I definitely needed help finding out how to set and keep strong boundaries with them and these types of people. I sure didn't have them growing up because of the way I was raised in this mess. Since counseling was expensive and didn't really help with this, I am so glad people out there are sharing this information FOR FREE. I had no idea all of this was narcissism and my experience is actually explainable. And now I can heal and grow from it and the poor coping mechanisms I learned as a kid to protect myself - but that doesn't work well as an adult especially dealing with this same issue at a job with a boss! Wow!
This is absolutely a direct answer to prayer 🙏🏼 Praise Father 🦋 Continue my brother as His instrument 😇
The "king" or "queen" is quite accurate. They somehow think they're above everything. Wish there's more equality in the world. Then there will be no need for hierarchy since we're all human.
The implications of yielding is to lose one's self. Despite giving in to all their wishes, they're still not content and it feels like it's a must to satisfy them because they're the king or queen of the hierarchy they're in. The reciprocation of investing both ways is very relatable. The investing is usually one-sided and the more that is given, the more empty a person feels. A person cannot continuously pour endlessly without being refilled.
This is such an interesting video. My adult daughters have commented now that I left the narcissist and am in a healthy relationship that I seem so calm, relaxed and so much happier. We started out by comparing and contrasting Dr. Carter videos about almost two years ago. It is a nice beginning to a relationship discussing what a healthy relationship is and the value of good character and ethical considerations and values.😊
So pleased on your behalf, Diane!
My narcissist parent uses me as an emotional punching bag and a scapegoat, I feel healthier and more productive when I go no contact. Unfortunately, the narcissist keeps contacting me to spread misery and guilt. I get a knot in my stomach every time my phone rings.
Wow. Just EVERY time you post something I think: "wow, that's exactly how I felt." Or "that's exactly what I did."
Thank you so much for helping me put things into context.
You're quite welcome, Ryan!
Dr.C, could you please do a video on the topic of 'bad therapists'? I've had several experiences with narcissistic therapists that left me retraumatized every time. I think people should be warned and advised about what to do in such a case.
🎯💯👍
Stand firm!
We learned last Friday, through social media, that our son was moving from Paris to New York for his job ...
on Tuesday! He's been under the thumb of a narcissist for 12 years. This man hasn't worked for years, he has been living off our son, who had no homosexual tendencies in the past. Just before getting the plane, our son texted our daughter to tell her that they have been in an official civil union for 6 years, and that they got married in December, so that his partner could go with him to the US! We are heartbroken!
Thank you for offering us an oasis of calm, peace, and sanity!
Nailed it doctor 👍🏽 I thought it was me being paranoid. I was guilty of reactive abuse more n more because I was fighting inside myself like I was drowning . Similarly I starting to become subservient and subconsciously pulling away and planning a future exit. It’s odd because I didn’t want to leave her but part of me knew I’d not survive if I didn’t. I told her I was becoming a person I don’t like because of the constant stress
Once went to a big family dinner at a seafood restaurant that had a weekly buffet that nMom considered a bargain. I decided I wanted something else on the menu, not the buffet... and I'll never forget how nMom glared at me with utter disdain, like "how dare you," for deviating from her plan... even though I was an adult in my 30s at the time! I was so stunned that I yielded, getting the buffet after all... but it was a pivotal moment that opened my eyes to her relentless need for control, which I have gotten better and better at resisting.
@shizzyfinn, You just have to shake your head at why people need you to eat the way THEY eat! My father made me eat all kinds of weird stuff like pigs feet and jellied meats with unrecognizable bits embedded. He took it personally when I didn't care to see him as a role model, not only with food. Yes, you can resist letting other people tell you who you need to be, so that they can feel that THEIR ideas and preferences are the superior ones. As an elderly woman now, (and not eating any weird stuff), I can only guess that my father wanted an emotional bond with me, but somehow didn't have the skills to get to know ME. (As different from him.) Sometimes I believe such needs for control can be an awkward and misguided hope for some sort of bond.
@@notagain779 Oh, I am making a "yucky face" just reading about those foods! 🤢🤮😂
Yes my dad still tries to control me and my 73 year olds mother diet. We went out for lunch and said to the waitress 'three bacon sandwiches' without even asking what we wanted. I made a scene in front of the waitress so we ended up getting what we wanted.
We also were forced to eat disgusting things when we were children like pickles and smoked kippers that still make me gag when thinking about. My cousin told us she developed anorexia from her other narc cousin force feeding her til she was sick.
Thank you Dr. C ♥️🙏🔥
I always choose to be me!!
Great day for you and all here!!
💪😉✌️🎶
Husband says there is one way to do dishes, his way. 😈 Well that night I washed the dishes my way. Then I showed him the dishes & asked him "are they clean"? His reply was yes. I then told him the order I washed such dishes in, followed by they are clean. He's looking at me confused, when I made the statement "there's more than one way to wash dishes! In other words THE DISHES ARE CLEAN! And yep it pissed him off.
Yup, I also have been criticized for the way I wash dishes . So she washes her dishes and I wash my dishes , best solution for me.
If a man told you to get him off would you do it?