They should be teaching this at the high school level. A lot of people would have been saved from a lot of heartache had such information been widely available. Clipboard in hand, all ready 😁
@@ShareBrightLight I think more information is being brought to light regarding this. The checklist of what to look for given by Dr Carter may become common knowledge.... hopefully. My fear is that because they are so good at being social chameleons, they will adapt to common knowledge and become even more adept at hiding who they are.... initially anyway. I wish you peace and love 😊
Totally agree! Many narcissists start to display narcissistic traits in middle school; and some teachers are also narcissists who verbally, emotionally or even physically abuse students
18 out of 20 here too. Serious trauma. May the force be with you! I enjoyed ( well, maybe enjoy is the wrong word) Patrick Carnes, The Betrayal Bond. It helped me a lot. 37 years for me. But getting out. Thank you Jesus🙏. And Dr. C too.
And me, thankfully only had to endure 9 years before he discarded. It’s not easy to get your head straight again, is it? One day at a time though, we’ll get there
Another thing about narcs: they have zero appreciation for anyone's time, effort, labor, knowledge, training, skill or talent, especially if they're paying one red cent for it. I guess that's part of their sense of entitlement.
Nancy Riley Omg how SICK I would get of my narc explaining to me he could do anybody’s job if he was trained. It’s like yeah, and if you had a bunch of tires you could be a school bus! BLEH when I convinced him once to go to the therapist with me he said HE would have HER “ on the couch in five minutes.” at NFL football games when they would salute veterans “ too often” , he would shout out “enough !... where are the salutations for me and my spreadsheets! “
Exactly, especially if your their nanny of their newborn through the toddler years and when you break your ankle and they are devestated you aren't there for them to do everything.
I am a Math professor and among my lectures, I’ve been quite often talking to my students about narcissists. Once, one of my students asked me the reason I was talking to them about narcissists. Then, I said “It may not make part of the curriculum, but getting educated on this matter will make the majority of you guys not going through a lot of emotional pain. Teaching my students to grown emotionally is also one of my goals.” Nowadays, more and more students have liked these real-life talks. 🙏🏻
I'm stuck on the inside with one for now. Ironically she is nearly a scholar on all of SK's work. Never really understood the irony though. Almost but not quite.
I came across this Facebook status I posted 2 years ago today and thought it might be helpful here: When you worry about how hard leaving an abuser is, think about how hard NOT leaving has been.
For sure. I’m in the middle of divorce process. It’s tough, but I keep promising myself I must persevere, and I will look back after 1 year, to evaluate the changes in my world. Until then, no looking back.
My ex-husband tried to kill me and was in prison. Well, after some time we talked on the phone (to discuss the divorce) When he found out who my new relationship was with, He warned me! His words to me were "He is going to hurt you, Worse than I did. And I don't mean, physically".. they used to be friends. That's how I knew him.. Now remember, that came from the man that beat me over the head with a crowbar and was in prison for attempted murder! Do Not Ignore the Warnings! Yes, they prey on victims of abuse.. He actually told me that what he does isn't that bad, "it ain't like I beat cha with a crowbar" ?!?! His type of repeated abuse, actually Hurt Worse, and Still does.
I divorced my malignant covert narcissistic husband over 10 years ago, before I even understood what a narcissist was, but I keep coming back to your channel to hear your wisdom and reinforce the fact that I didn’t imagine the emotional abuse - it was secret, but it was real. You are so intelligent, profound and kind. I’m sure you’re helping thousands of people with this work. 🙏
Real life Check-list for identifying narcissism: Intellectual/academic way: - high control - low empathy - exploitative - manipulative - need to be superior - sense of entitlement (Very self absorbed way of living) How does narcissism play out at home, or at work (so you can identify it): (20 different ingredients) 1. Their public self and private self do not match (can be phony, may be charming, but are really difficult privately) 2. Their loyalty towards you is superficial at best (you are utile. When you seize fulfilling the function (supply) you are out the door) 3. Can not admit mistakes and keep repeating them (they blame and shift focus to other individuals) 4. Lots of unsolicited advice (=criticism). They observe and let you know what you did wrong. 5. Introspective thinking is virtually unexisting (they live with a mask on. For them to be introspective they would need to be honest about their fears, insecurities, and hurts that they experienced.) 6. Make comments about reminding you about your obligations (agenda). Want to fit you to that agenda, by saying "you should" , " you must" etc.. 7. Strong inclination to other people. They categorize people (race, gender, lifestyle). They go for similar people (??!). They don't bother learning from other people, that would make them feel less special. 8. Nursing idealized fantasies (about material things. even if they can not afford them. They don't want to be considered ordinary. ) They want to be with beautiful people, and want people to admire/adore them. 9. They can be attracted to people/themes/activities that exude power/authority (they like to get to the top of the organisation. Run over people) 10. Emotional vulnerability is awkward at best (that is for emotional weaklings. They need to give the appearance of being in control, and to be on top of everything) 11. Willing to lie & omit essential facts (life is a competition. Don't have a sense of honesty, openness, trustworthiness. They want to win over you. The truth is what they need it to be today.) 12. Often use veiled threats (better think twice what you say. Try me.) 13. Extreme in the way they manage money (either tight/dictatorial or very loose/self indulgent. Money to them is power and self indulgence). 14. If you confront them you will be met with irrational madness (How dare you! Openly or passive agressive) 15. Persistently dismissive of other people"s feelings (it's all black or white. Emotions don't fit into BW slots. They don't try to understand) 16. They like to steal affirmations from other people (they want to be the center of attention, so they take the credit for the success). 17. They exude a chronic undertone of annoyance and frustration (You feel like walking on eggshells) 18. They have many double standards (what matters to you does not apply to them. E.g. lying, angry, screaming, wasteful) 19. Have a poor comprehension of love (it equals conformity, you can admire them. They can not give patience, tollerance, acceptance. ) 20. Have little to no appreciation for your boundaries. BOUNDARIES = having a definition of who you are , and stay inside your definition. They will try to define you, and blur those boundaries. If they have 10+ of these features, bad sign. If 15+: very toxic relationship, it will not work well at all. 1. Make sure, if you notice these ingredients in someone, to be ready to examine them in yourself as well. And to make sure they are not predominant. 2. Know what it means that someone has these traits (see above)
After 16 months of marriage I discovered she was a narc +19 of these symptoms listed, I set some boundaries with her, she blamed me for everything and told me I had 4 days to get out of her house, I did it in 2, dodged a bullet, thank you God.
I believe they lack humor. At least turned inwards, they can't laugh at themselves and despise anyone else who does. You want to make an enemy of a narcissist, ignore or laugh at them.
I don't remember ever seeing my mother smile. Not even in photos. I remember though her laughing when talking about how my sister had to put up with dad touching her..... Sick.
@@Chahlie At the expense of some other person in pain, yes. My current CN doesn't laugh at jokes or funny TV shows. But someone getting hurt or embarrassed, he enjoys that. If he's trying to impress someone, he does this contrived extended laugh. It's so uncomfortable to watch. Your mom makes me think of Livia on the Sopranos. How she's a black hole who is incapable of happiness. But she laughs when her son fell down the steps. That's my mom too. I basically married my mom, which is really creepy. I thought only women acted catty and two faced. He listens in on private conversations. Then go report to people about what was said about them. He has no ability to make friends, so he tries to drive wedges between people.. Wouldn't it be easier to be up front and kind?
@@shannon8315 That fake laugh, in the family we call it tittering. They dream up ways to drive wedges and sit back and watch, feeling smug. They have no idea of kindness and charitable work absolutely does not exist. And Dr C. probably didn't mention for legal reasons, the threatening to kill themself when caught in their own web of deceit.
My mother has zero sense of humor. This she laughs at times that are not funny. Like she get dig at someone or insult them then laugh and laugh if get mad then she like it was just a joke. But I know het she wasn't joking she really means the insult. I love comedy clubs but my N mother wouldn't find that kind of humor funny or if were to try and tell a cute/dumb joke she be like what's your point I'm like we'll blah blah blah get it she doesnt I'm like never mind. Nope mother cannot have fun unless it is at someone s expense.
I didn't even know what a narcissist was until I was 6 months into a relationship with one. I knew he was broken and thought I could fix him. I thought if I demonstrated my love then he would make me happy. He gave me nothing and took everything. I have recently left the situation and I'm committed to turning my pain into power.
Your comment is from a year ago, but just saw this video tonight. I was in a similar situation where I just thought loving her enough would bring her around and soften her. In the video the Dr. says that 10 or more of those traits is definitely a problem, 15 or more and that is a toxic situation. It's important to see what we see early in any relationship and accept that if we are seeing that many traits, just accept it and as gracefully as possible, leave the relationship. And for goodness sake leave before marriage and kids. The emotional damage to kids can be quite devastating. I hope and pray you are in a much better situation today and are healing!
Mood swings. Dr Jekyll Mr Hyde. Says one thing, does another. Always carries a sense of infulfillement. Victimises oneself. Demands things. Unappreciative. Everyone in their past was always at fault, exes, employers, friends. Starts verbally and emotionally abusing you. *LEAVE*
LegOver Lass I’m so happy that you have peace with your situation. I believe we are all made in God’s image and He speaks to us through our consciences. I am thankful you have peace with yours. It is always best if we can walk in love. God bless you so much.....I’ve been married to my narc for 38 years...So tired.....Angie
@@ShareBrightLight in only 25 years in, but 41 total due to my family and many others. God BLESS you.... I had developed thyroid cancer that almost killed me twice before i knew i had it. Went to an integrative, eastern endocrinologist who became a born again Christian and doctor at God's request. She told me that i was the second sickest patient she has ever seen. I cannot even begin to tell you what my husband put me through. But somehow, i am expected to get over it. Kinda hard to do when you literally met and fought HIS demons face to face......all of this propelled me STRAIGHT into the Loving Arms of The Father.....my testimony is going to rock people.....it was like LITERALLY living through a horror movie and the ironic part is that there actually was a horror movie made that reflects a lot of what i experienced in the house we lived in for 22 years. It was called 1408 with John Cusack i think? and the ironic part is that our address was also 1408.....
I’m learning at 50 that I lived all my life in narcissistic relationships. Well, better later than never. I realize now that I have to realize first why I’m attracted towards narcissistic people and try to heal that before anything else !!!
I learned at 52 years old!!! I was married to a covert- narrisst for 31 years!!! I'm disabled from his abuse and he abused me through the court system and I got almost nothing! I have to now live with my abusive parents! I wanted to go back to court but I didn't because he involved both of our adult children and my daughter would of lost her job at the bank! He threw her under the bus !!! I wasnt going to make her lose her job over a secret account that she opened for him. He cleaned out checking and savings then told her I was stealing money from him!!! Haha!!! The jokes on him because Gods going to give him Karma oneday!!! Narrisst always blame you for what they are doing!
I was 50 as well, that was 4 years ago. I asked him to leave. He bought an apartment I didn't think he had money for, so much secretiveness. I didn't realise I was being played with for 20 years. I couldn't believe that any human would do that to another, it's the sort of thing you see on tv, not in real life. I was so ignorant....I was in shock for a few weeks. I grew up with a very controlling mother whom I loved greatly, not realising that she too was a narcissist and it was all about her, her feelings, her thoughts and her opinions. It's odd, but my husband made me see the light (the darkness) I walked away from my mother, no contact for 5 years, my beautiful son meant nothing to her which very much saddens me. Now I'm myself, without all the war and silences and the dark stormy clouds. You validate yourself, no-one else should have that power.
KRE KRE wowwww. Good for you. I feel like you’re describing my life. My mom and sister are narcs. My sister is the golden child, and is very malignant. She thrives off of ruining my relationships with my family (my brother, who, is also narcissistic but to a lesser degree). My mother’s love is very conditional. I have Blocked my sister in all aspects of social media and I have not spoken to her in almost 2 years. Not even one word. She essentially has ruined the entire family. It’s still all so unbelievable to me.
Then you can start with me, as I search all I can find is recovering from narcissistic abuse etc… But very little almost none advise for the self-aware narcissist, I wonder if it's cause of the fact that there is no cure in general sense or maybe there is more to it, any way vote up tattoos, marks or name on the billboard ?
So essentially, first the narcissist conforms to you in the lovebombing stage. Then once they’ve hooked you, they expect you to conform to them thereafter. That feels like an important revelation. Thank you once again, Dr C.
I love how Dr Carter has all the accurate info on Narcs but his main focus is on the victim and what they can do to make their situations and life better. After 13 years of living with a narc, I followed his advice and in 3 weeks I was discarded. I was devastated at first but after a month, I am glad it happened and I am glad I am finally the type of person that a Narc will forever stay away from. I am me, I am free.
18! He checked off 18, and I was being very cautious and generous. My divorce was final two weeks ago. I still find myself wanting reassurance that it was as bad as my heart, body, mind and soul remembers it. I would NEVER go back, but it helps to be reminded that the trauma, confusion, and craziness was real, legitimate and absolutely not my fault. What would have humbled most people (divorce, supervised visits, court ordered steps, etc...) has only emboldened him. All it takes is a short run in with him to see the egotism, entitlement and pride still going strong. It is actually quite sad and I am so glad I am finally free.
It hurts to see how desperately they have to be viewed as all good. I know a narcissist and I truly feel bad for how awful their emotional life really is. All the facade is very obvious to me thanks to you Dr. C. It is really so very sad that this person will never really know true unconditional love and happiness.
Both my parents are narcissists. Married a narcissist at age 19, left him after three years. Have gone almost completely no-contact with all of them, so much happier. 😊 Edit: (1/23/2023) I've been completely no contact with my family since December 2021 (except for 3 messages that managed to slip through). Other than that, my life, mental health, and self-confidence has improved exponentially. 10/10 would recommend.
Only one of my parents is. It's hard to let go when you spent your whole life trying to live up to their expectations. I didn't even realize my father was a narcissist until now. :( it really makes me depressed.
"Money to them represents power". My partner would often say how he could never have enough money. When asked by me, "Why?", he would respond, "Because money buys everything, including people. With money, I can control my world".
I always wondered why money never meant much to me, and I realized that it was because I have so much to offer as a person. I do pro bono work for people, as any empath would, thereby saving people quite a bit of money, sometimes. Narcs often don't have any skills, and if they do, they're stingy with them. Their only currency of worth is monetary, since they have no innate worth. It's hilarious when a worthless narc (I know...the adjective is redundant) tries to bribe you, but it doesn't work because you can provide for yourself, or simply don't want any tainted thing they're offering. Being able to walk away nonchalantly from a narc is our greatest power.
@@MoPoppins And they're left puzzled. They don't understand how anyone could walk away from their wonderful so compassionate so kind so everything blah blah selves.
It has taken me many years of heart break to realise my mother is a narcissist. I have at 60 years old finally cut all contact and I couldn’t be happier. She is still terrorising my siblings . Karen R
@Micah McGillicuddy I agree with you.. my mom is a covert narc. . Being aware of it and having the knowledge about it gives me the strength to handle it she can talk .. she can blame. .nothing touches me anymore. ... she is still my mom and I can handle her now. . Luckily she is not the worst case of narc but she definitely had a big negative influence on my life
My sister in law is a Narc., destroyed my nieces and nephews lives, they never got married, one has an eating obesity disorder, the other is a horder, another is afraid of her with panic attacs and was never happy, so sad, but they destroy their own kids.
Same. I’m 60 and cut ties about 5 years ago with my family but my sisters got stuck with my mother. They are both narcissistic so they all deserve each other. This scapegoat finally walked away.
My gut started to feel discomfort when I am near a narcissist. In my work, I have around 7 narcissists. Thanks god I don't work with them everyday. When I do, there's gaslighting, manipulation, projection. I watch these videos to see the reality
So critical to have videos/channels like this to serve as a touchstone, where you'd otherwise receive no validation for what's happening in your reality.
ad libitum - Those stats are COMPLETELY off. I’ve heard that # before, but it’s not based on observation of reality. In the average scenario, taking a “random” sample of people, I’d say that anywhere from 50% (on the low end) to 90% can be narcissistic at a level that makes them toxic and ineffective (where they use blame, scapegoating, etc., rather than work towards problem-solving). On a narcissist would cite that percentage.
I’ve been with my husband for 20 years and after 17 or so years of being told that I was defective and keeping him on a pedestal I finally figured out he was a narc. I’m still in shock. I’m still with him and he has all 20 of these traits. Woe is me...Thanks to you I am surviving through this. Every time he yells I separate and watch your videos. They are very soothing and keep me sane. Thank you dearly, doctor.
Wow hats off to you. I can't relate more to you. I am in a similar mess. And I am stil stuck with him for 21 years. Can't leave because kids are around. 3 of them and its such a situation where there is some kind of drama around him every weekend. It took two years of covid and work from home to realise how crazy this man is. All this time I thought and always blaming myself. But now i know and realise, no matter how much I try it will not work.
I Have So Many Narcissists Are Very Rude Ppl Very High Need For Control. Low Levels Of Empathy They Always Have To Have The Upper Hand.There Favorite Punishment Is The Silent Treatment The Abuse Never Ends..
My child’s father displays all of these. 20/20. I left that relationship a year ago and I’m still deeply traumatised. These videos help me so much with understanding the confusion of it all... No one really understands narcassistic abuse until they’ve been through it. Completely soul destroying
I tried to explain what I'm going through and how I'm feeling and nobody gets it they can't see the control that he has over me which I've left him and it's going to be 2 months the longest I've ever stayed away from it but it's so hard I don't understand it all I feel like I am trash to him
@@dawngarcia9586 you're not going back are you??????? NEVER WASTE A MOMENT ON AN ABUSER. DO YOU UNDERSTAND THIS??? DO YOU THINK GOD WANTS THAT FOR YOU???
@@dawngarcia9586 please stop this weakness. YOU DESERVE BETTER. PLEASE. NOBODY DESERVES ABUSE. NOBODY. LEAVE AND STAY GONE. FIND A NEW JOB A NEW HOBBY A NEW ANYTHING. OK???? I ONLY SAY THIS BECAUSE I CARE.
@@dawngarcia9586 I understand. It can be very hard letting go. I've never been deep in a relationship with a narc but have had unhealthy ones before and narc-like people in my family. Just please be safe whatever you do and understand that of you're guy is indeed a narc or some other level of damaged person where you aren't valued or appreciated, it's almost certain it won't get better. But I know it's not always that easy to pick right up and leave, there are practical issues in addition to emotional ones. Please lean on any good friends or family you might have when it comes time to walk away. There's just no reason to keep unhealthy or toxic people in your life, at least those that intentionally hurt and mistreat you. You know, it's just throwing good time after bad and it's not fair to you. When you're finally ready to leave, you'll know you did everything possible to try to make it work, but it's not you- if a person has something wrong in their head no amount of love in the world on its own can fix that. Anyhow please just be safe and don't let anyone push you around. I never have, and I never will (I'm F). Don't give up your self-love, or your personal power to anyone. If someone really loves you or cares for you, there won't be much drama, it won't be a new crisis every day, and they will be doing everything to build you up and treat you well, not leave you feeling like trash. And if he's a true narc, maybe he's not, but if he is, he's unlikely to ever truly love anyone. A healthy relationship gives you PEACE, and gives you happiness and makes you feel better about yourself, not worse. Just remember that. Take the best care of yourself possible and always remember to put yourself and your mental well-being first, and value yourself in EVERY situation, and don't ever let anyone tell you shouldn't! Peace and love! 🙌
I finally came to terms with the fact that we were groomed from childhood by a dysfunctional parent to be pulled into the orbit of these narcissists. We are easy prey. If we weren’t, we wouldn’t be susceptible to their manipulations. That’s why being married to one is so difficult. We get the go along to get along mantra. I took it for 20 years, the whole thing blew up in my face. Left and then was sucked (literally) into another abusive manipulative relationship. I’m finally figuring out how to say no and draw the line in the sand. What is comes down to is your sanity or letting the narcissists have their way. Better late than never.
The book - “Take Back Your Life” by Stephen Arterburn & David Stoop (Amazon has it) will help you to see how experiences from childhood shape our worldview, in how we think about our parents; how we currently navigate in life; and why we behave the way that we do. I have dealt with several narcissistic relatives during my life and I want to impress upon you this: The people closest to us (spouse/partner, parents, siblings) will either help lift you up or tear you down, depending on where they are at in their emotional maturity level and their capacity to love others. Humans were created to be interconnected, so we innately BELIEVE what those closest to us, are telling us truth about ourselves, even when they are lies, distortions, and unprovoked vicious attacks! The wounded victim is left confused, bewildered, and ALONE, trying to parse out the intent of the person who is hurting them. Over time, this cycle of abuse starts to shred your self worth, your self esteem, and your sanity! In the meantime, your narc is satisfied that life is going THEIR WAY! Your only way out of their toxic maze, is to seek help from understanding counselors (like Dr. Carter); read books to understand yourself better; and find ways to physically distance yourself from your tormentor(s)! Waiting for a narc “to finally get it” (admit that they have hurt you) is futile! It will SELDOM/if EVER happen! You have to love yourself enough to save YOU! You also have to be willing to leave everything behind (including worldly possessions) to begin your new journey toward FREEDOM!
So happy you got out! FYI: I found folks like you who understand how this really messes you up on the subreddit message board "raised by Narcissists." It is a good community to hear others recount similar life experiences because, for example, I didn't understand a lot of why i ended up in these toxic friendships and it was because I was still copying the behaviors learned in childhood.
Agree. So crazy I noticed this at such a young age. All of my sisters got pregnant at 16 it was like clock work. I almost killed all of them when I turned 18 had no kids and went to college.
"Invalidating", could could be construed to have "neutral"-implications, but the narcissist is into "de-valuing" your opinions -- thus, "de-validating" the empath .
Never asking how YOU feel today. Never saying thank you for all the things you do for them. Never saying I'm sorry. Never stop thinking and talking about THEMSELVES for one moment.
Not to mention: "How was your day", he doesn't care how my day was. However, he's quick to say "What's the matter bad day at work" after he's ticked me off and I respond. I've all but stopped responding once I figured out he's pushing my buttons to get supply. "Thank you" is not in his vocabulary along with "Please" and make no mistake, it's ALL about him, he never stops talking about himself!! It's exhausting which is why I've carved out a busy life that limits my time being in the same room with him.
“That’s how you know you’re a somebody, when you can run over people “ 😆! Very humorous description of the narc. They’re like children on a playground, or the bully who shoves down others they consider weaker, or inferior.. Or those of whom they are envious of & threatened by... Real show of strength indeed.. It’s been said, “Strong volume, doesn’t compensate for a weak argument... Thank you doctor..
Yes that is my husband totally! Aces no matter what he does it is never good enough. I have realized that is the mark of someone with very low self-esteem who is also empty inside.
I was able to check off all 20. I'm so trapped. I can feel anymore. I couldnt even cry at my grandmother's funeral. I don't know who I am anymore :( Thank you! This was the most clear description I've listened to so far.
We went to a therapist in toronto and I told him I was experiencing anxiety for the first time in my life and a lot of it surfaced when I found out about 4 people he cheated on me with and he kept making contact and it was putting me into a state of permanent panic. The therapist told me if i was going to dig up the past he would not be able to help me :( i felt i wasn't heard.
I once returned home from the grocery store without the cash register tape. (He liked to categorize the purchases, and wanted to be certain I didn't buy something just for myself.) He demanded that I return to the shopping center to look for it. I said I wasn't going to do that, and he responded "You will, or you'll be very sorry." This exchange took place about a month before I was going to leave and file for divorce, so I was a little bolder than usual, and said, "M don't threaten me." He moved in closer and said, "I am threatening you. You need to be very aware that I am threatening you." I said, "What are you going to do, M?" He responded, "You'll find out soon enough." No, no I won't. I'm done finding out. In fact, I'm done. (Of course I didn't say that last part. I'm not that stupid.)
My ex husband would say things like, "if you don't shut up I'll find a way to shut you up." Scary stuff. Put up with it for 10 years. Been free for almost 2!
@@samanthaneidholt9560 my ex-lover said something similar: "You'd better be quiet or I'll take ya out. And it ain't gonna be to dinner". This from someone who claimed to "love" me... Nice, eh?!
Im glad you're all free. True evil. They will burn in hell, just know that. I wouldn't have stayed tho for 5 seconds. I don't care how big someone is, they threaten me and it's the last words they'll ever say. I can't fathom being so passive and weak and allow any human being alive to talk to me that way. I'd have a murder rap faster than someone can blink. I'll kill my own goddamn self before I EVER EVER let myself be anyone's victim. It would just never happen in a billion years. Like voting for the satanic cult of the GOP, or cutting off my own arm. Some of you all need to learn how to respect yourself and draw boundaries. Passivity and weakness is a cancer that will destroy you. If you don't learn to overcome it, you might as well quit this life now because it will literally end you, by setting you up to be another's prey. Sad. Don't let it. Choose strength.
@@lynnemenard5910 and that wasn't a clue to leave???? I hope you're safe now. If anyone's threatened me like that I can't imagine the rage I'd fly into. They would be lucky to escape with their life. I hope you stop choosing psychopaths for mates next time. They should live and die alone. Anyone who says that to anyone and means it deserves death and a painful one at that.
It gets tricky with coverts. Very tricky, especially with the cerebral, successful ones. Observe more and most importantly listen to your gut. Thanks, Dr. C. Once again, great pointers!
I am adding to what was said by others. It was my experience i was married to a Narcissist for 10 years. It was an emtional rollercoster but thank God i got off. The sad truth is i never really heard him apologise for anything he did lied,cheat, debt. I am thankfull i made it through that storm.
Well, that's 20 out 20 for my ex. Glad I'm finally divorced from her. Still watching these kinds of vids though to remind me and keep an eye out for red flags from people I associate myself with.
Mine would tell me I'm crossing their boundaries when I expressed any of my needs. She also claimed I was gas lighting her when what I said didn't match her memory which was exceptional.
Yeah my girlfriend of now going on 5 years tried to tell me I was a narcissists I was like what.. I bend over backwards for her. We've been in 2 big trips she was suppose to pay her part.. Never seen a dime.. On the last trip because of this covid she was unable to get her hair done for months . So I checked and were we were going she could get it done.. She said she had the money sat aside.. Come time to get it done she didn't have it and got pissed because I said no I want going to pay.. I've watched this and many other videos. And this one hit the nail on the head, and so did all the others.. The funny thing is how they use the words exactly as the narc. Says it i was blown away..
@@larrysnyderthecandorealtor I have a narcissistic partner she says all the same things and calls me a narcissist but funny thing is I bend over backwards for her even hurting my relationship between my family doing things I did not want to do because I found them to be wrong still chose her side may have lied in the past to not hurt her feelings but it was the wrong thing to do and I kept things away from her to avoid the fights and arguments at the same time I bent over backwards working all the time trying to come home take care of my kid take care of her.... I understand this all too well and the sad thing is I genuinely love her even though I know she's a narcissist but the thing is life gets too difficult when a narcissist can't give anything back she'll do some things but when it comes to acknowledging anything I do for her it is always me being a b**** or being lazy or I don't care and she calls me a narcissist I find it funny that narcissists actually seem to call other people narcissists and I've known she was a narcissist after a relatively short time. Into our relationship and I really did try to do everything possible to keep it going but it's been 3 years and a half now and there is never going to be a change from her so now I change my mindset and I accept that she's a narcissist and I just changed my thought process on what to expect from her she's brought out the worst in me and also brought out the best in me because well who the f*** would stay with somebody after going through all the crazy s*** I did she calls that desperation but seriously I'm not desperate at all and I find it funny that she calls me a narcissist calls me desperate and I just don't want to be up alone but yet my future plans are to move away and live alone out in the middle of the woods in a log cabin kind of ironic that she would say I don't want to be alone and she would think that I'm desperate but I'm not.... I'll never be able to change your non never be able to get the help that she needs she has an incurable case of narcissism and sadly I still love her but just because you love someone doesn't mean that things will always work out I'll continue to do my best but if things keep getting worse and worse I'll just have to move on even if she breaks the rest of my stuff and destroys my apartment $2,000 laptop broken $400 PlayStation Pro most likely it'll be broken my car that's almost paid off pretty sure she'll try to Total it and I'm pretty sure if I don't have her moved out within one night if we have a break up she'll destroy my apartment to oh wait let's add on top of that show also try to get me fired from my job that's table that provides food for my son and she would try to take away my son now note these are all things that she has said to me already. But yet somehow I still stay with this person showing them love when a lot of the time they don't deserve it. And they called me desperate like seriously you can't tell the difference between love and Desperation......:(
N V ... covert aka vulnerable, female narcissist..... in the work place, manipulating situations to gain advantage which means that someone might need information and she’s the only one who has it; not sharing very important details with the two other team members but disguising it with fake interest in things going on with you; being a martyr, appearing to be working harder than everyone else and sacrificing her time; going to the supervisors with twisted information to make other team members look like they’re not playing fair or are being mean to her; using tears to avoid being accountable or to put others on the spot; lying to superiors to appear like the hero of the day; exhausting
@@karennaturallyartby I'm sorry to hear that you are experiencing that. I agree it is so exhausting. For me, it is my mother and my ex husband. Both of them meet all 20 symptoms. Neither of them are truly vulnerable but use crying and over the top dramatics to APPEAR like they are. It goes right back to them wearing masks and not living in reality. Take care and continue to learn how to make and keep healthy boundaries.
I swear the narc I'm involved with has read a how to book on how to be a narcissist and was like...wow this looks fun I'm going to act like that. Then does every single thing to the T! It's strange.
@@mr.vargas5648 -- AT FIRST. And you might have a number of narcs in your life before you learn the lessons and telltale signs, but if you use PATTERN RECOGNITION and trust your gut intuition, you can head off involvement. You start to recognize the narc one step earlier, until you eventually master the ability to then spot them from a mile away.
I'm dealing with a narcissist. She tried turning all my friends against me, she plays the victim card Alot and never takes responsibility for her actions. She lies to my friends about the things I've said. Twisted my words. She makes up this fantasy that I threaten her because I have my own opinions
I could watch Gus sleep all day....he’s definitely got a handle on how to relax. Wish these videos were available when I was a teenager. It would have saved me a lot of heartache! Another great video. Thank you!
I am an empath that has been married to a covert narcissist for over 15 years... I feel like I demonstrate some of these traits because I'm sick of the psychological and emotional abuse. I am currently struggling with depression which I mask to the best of my ability. I have a great deal of anger and resentment at every moment of every day...😤😫😡🤯🤔 I feel like it's eating me alive.
Do something about it. You deserve to live happy life. Change something. And yes near these people others can start behaving similar as a way to defend themselves. Dont waste your time
Your comment reminds me of the poem of Two Frogs that fell into a deep cream bowl. Idk who wrote the poem but it gave me inspiration to keep trying the past 57 years of my life surrounded in toxicity. Keep on swimming one frog making it out of the bowl I am wishing to emulate and only a year into my reality I feel as if my life is only beginning. Best Wishes for the others affected by narcissism on their quest for the peaceful and happy life everyone truly deserves. I know that this is a lifelong effort of self improvement in my case and I accept all challenges that must be faced which once in my ignorance and despair almost landed me in the loony bin. Teetering on the edge I found the balance to allow forward movement towards the light here first in this community of people who face not only their inner demons but also those demons of the people they loved
1. 2:02 Public self and private self do not match 2. Loyalty is superficial at best 3. Narcs cannot admit mistakes (and repeat mistakes over and over) 4. Lots of unsolicited advice 5. 3:36 They don’t think introspectively (to become better people) 6. Make comments to remind you of your obligations 7. Strong inclination to ‘other’ people 8. They nurse idealised fantasies 9. Attracted to people/themes/activities that exude power 10. 6:23 Emotional vulnerability is awkward (at best) 11. Quite willing to lie or omit facts 12. Often use veiled threats 13. Extreme in the management of money ( be it over or under spending) 14. Confrontations met with irrational anger. ‘How dare you’ mentality 15. 8:45 Persistently dismissive of others feelings 16. Steal affirmations from other people 17. They exude a chronic sense of frustration and annoyance - you walk oneggshells around them, awaiting their blowup 18. Many double standards. What is required of you is NOT required of them 19. Very poor comprehension of love. They think love is conformity - ie you should do what they want as they know best 20. Little to no appreciation for your boundaries. They try to define who you are. 11:49 Thoughts Link to checklist: survivingnarcissism.tv/the-narcissist-checklist/
severe mood swings, sudden anger, always have to walk on eggshells. He was put in a pedestal when he was younger and could do no wrong. I don't know where all the anger comes from.
My ex hit almost every point. Not exaggerating. I'm pretty sure I've seen most of those signs emerge at various press conferences around the world, too.
Only today after 2.5 years did I tell him I'll no longer take any blame for things he did. He kept trying and I said NO not my problem anymore. He wasn't happy!
My narcissistic father added physical abuse to the mix. We were all so afraid of him that when he walked towards us, we would wet our pants. Now that we are adults, he has the verbal abuse to fall back on. The really sad thing is that as a narcissist, he thinks that he has never been wrong in his actions or beliefs. He’s 86 years old now and if confronted with anything, he either denies it or thinks that what he did was for our own good.
OUTstanding as usual, Dr. C! Described to a "t" the Narcissists I've had the "pleasure" of knowing (the best part was "KNOWING" they were out of my life -- for GOOD!). Lol
I’m going through a slow separation right now. It’s taken two years to get my ExCN to sign the separation agreement. For the longest time he was refusing to acknowledge and negotiate terms. He still keeps trying to have a relationship with me even though I have a new lease signing, etc. I find it very helpful to watch RUclips videos by Dr. Carter, Dr Ramani, Meredith Miller (Inner Integration), Shahida Arabhi, Ross Rosenberg and Lisa Romano. I think when we’re dealing with a situation or person who is chronically invalidating toward us, it helps to listen to ‘the voices of reason’. People who have no vested interest, who can clearly outline and articulate ‘reality’.
This is so absolutely on point, it's astonishing. The problem I have though, is that I would never have understood what you are talking about if I wouldn't have experienced this myself.
Your relationship with a Narc is always in doubt. You don’t know if you will have a good or bad day. They are always the victims. They don’t care about your feelings. They are liars. They turn everything around and blame it on you and at the end you are the crazy person. They will NEVER APOLOGIZE They live a double life
@@rosieperez8278 yep you know one, or many they are so alike in character yet so different in looks, gender etc. They're all about kissing peoples asses except yours of course
I worked and lived with a woman like this. Unbelievable I got out as fast as I realized what was going on. It did take me time time to wrap my head around it but I am great now. I am lucky that I can see this behaviour fast and make a move. Their are so many of these type humans out there. 🤦♀️
Took me a year to heal after being involved with a narcissist. Wondering what I did wrong but now I feel so free! I realized the problem was not me at all. Now I will know better for next time❤️
Wow! WOW! My soon to be EX husband of ONLY 1 year is ALL 20! But he was ALSO EXTREMELY abusive verbally, emotionally AND physically. I am slowly recovering from PTSD, and one day I WILL "get my groove back"!!!
My advice is don't jump into a serious relationship too soon. I suffered for 7 years married and my son another 13 because I didn't know this person well enough to identify his narcissism.
I now understand my confusion and frustrations all these years with a narcissist but it's still so scary knowing there are so many out there causing havoc in others lives. Others who are caring, loving, trusting and loyal to a fault. I put a tick to all 20! I am so glad I'm getting out at last!
Oh my word!! I have followed your work and teaching for the past 2 years and this video couldn’t be more timely. I was in a seven year marriage but I’m out and free, though I love and care for my son as a father should. This person had all 20 and more. I’ll tell my story some day. You’ve been such a blessing.❤️❤️🙏🏿🙏🏿🔥🔥
Working for one as their nanny is the most difficult. I have seen so many sides to them. I served a purpose in their life . Very exhausting in making things work in a positive way. It's a struggle to keep children on a routine and set boundaries and trust with them. And I can tell when the parents are lying but the child doesn't know this. So discouraging.
Bless you for being there with these small children. You might be making a very important positive difference in their lives. Prayers you can stick it out but understand if it’s not possible!
I’m on “Team Healthy” all the way! Thank you for your time, effort, and concern Dr. C. You have no idea how much you’ve help free me from self blame, and sadness due to dealing with this very difficult situation. THANK YOU 🙏🏽
Yes! I am so eager. Who is taking notes? I met a narc just recently, opened up a bit, then realized that a game was on! I should have caught on earlier. Now, with this list, I am eager to hear, I expect I will be quicker and safer.
I just met one who I suspect is one yesterday!! Been through 2 narc relationships. Between that and listening to Dr C and Dr Ramani I was able to spot things and check off several boxes as the conversation drew on!! The more I spoke with this person, the more concerned I became. In the end I was like: You know what? No thanks!!! I feel like I dodged a major bullet!! I am thankful to Dr. C, Dr. Ramani and my experiences!!! All allowed me to see this person afar off!!!
I forgot to add: It’s when they crossed and disrespected every boundary that I put down. They not only treated me that way, but told me how I felt and what I believed didn’t matter! It was very subtle and insidious because it was sprinkled in between love bombing.
My mother used to play the organ in church and she'd sometimes invite the vicar back for Sunday lunch which I'd have spent all morning preparing. I recall one time the vicars wife saying how delicious it was and I proudly said that I'd prepared it. My mother chipped in with "you only started it off"! She snatched the compliment right back. I was 15 and never forgotten it. She could never stand for me to have any compliment even off my own father.
I'm wondering at what place I've been for 55 years. Was i under unaesthetic, was it antibiosis... My eyes are opened finally, thanks to you Dr Carter, finally I'm becoming myself, the person who can smile, joke, the person people are happy to socialize with and have around. Thank you!
#3. Is the absolute epitome of my current bf along with many other bullet points that drives me crazy. He cannot admit any of his mistakes even when he’s caught in a bold face red handed lie. Our relationship is toxic and we are definitely unequally yolked. Very close to walking away from this toxic relationship.
My mother has every sign listed in this video. It’s been two days since she cut me off. I feel lost and broken, but I see hope that my life will improve.
It's been two days for me too, smh. At all stems from something so small, It's sad. Never ending cycle. I'm always left wondering, where does she get this from. Childhood trauma, I'm always wondering why? What is it, sad situation. But, one thing I know for sure is I have so much peace when she cuts me off for whatever reason. She always gets upset when things don't go her way, I'm in my 30s enough is enough.
I just want people to take this very seriously and keep their distance. Some narcissist will escalate and put their hands on you, or even worse. Be safe.
Found your channel tonight. Wow! In one video you just cleared up a big question I had about my ex-husband. I never really thought of him as a narcissist before, but he was 20 out of 20 on your list! I’m a nice, upbeat, positive person. I dated this man for a year that treated me well, and claimed to love me and we got along great. The very day we got married, he turned into a very mean, controlling, name calling man, saying he deserved someone better than me, that I was so ugly and disgusting he refused to ever kiss me after the “you can kiss the bride”. I was not able to understand the dramatic 180 in personality. Over the years I realized the day we married, I met the real man. Initially I tried so hard to please him (which was impossible) to get back the guy I day
@@christianpulisic7784 Thank you for your kind words Christian. No one deserves a narcissist in their life. But it happens. Thankfully, Dr. Carter offers great insight and wise counsel here on this channel. I’m determined to not waste this pain, learn from it, and be better, stronger than before. I hope you can too. ☮️
Take what you have learned to protect yourself those you love and help others. It will not be in vain, you will be a better person then the narc could ever be.
Edited to add: I should probably say my experience with narcs goes back to growing up around one, being a highly sensitive empath who had to learn to read all the signs and tells for survival reasons. Obviously, for a time, this caused me to get hopelessly drawn into the narcissistic/codependent relationship dynamic. Until I learned about and entered therapy. Sometimes, I still stumble across one but have learned how to navigate it in a way that allows me to give the other person the benefit of the doubt, and let’s the actual manipulative people weed themselves out on their own. It still hurts to lose someone but I’m no longer left reeling and wondering what I did to deserve it. OP: I’ve recently noted that just before devaluation, every single one of these wretched creatures will do two things: 1) Admit to being manipulative in some other area of their lives, and then soon after, 2) Accuse me of being a manipulative person. I think the objective is to get us to assure them that either they’re not being manipulative OR that the person or people they’re abusing deserve it (it’s always someone they’ve smeared). Basically, this gives them the go-ahead to manipulate the target or victim. Well I used to behave as expected but I no longer do. I didn’t manage to preempt it this last time but my goal is always to jump the gun and use the word “manipulation” before they do. The times I have managed this have left them completely speechless for a second. I can see them feeling shocked that I knew what they were thinking but it’s so easy. It happens like clockwork. The last time I succeeded in this, the narc in question forged ahead after a breathless pause, and admitted she was manipulating someone. Sure enough, a few weeks later, she came at me with “I sense so much manipulation in you.” Which in that case, fine. I guess. But I’m not gonna just straight up accuse someone without giving them a chance to prove me wrong, so maybe not. I digress. I can tell when they’re getting close to telling on themselves because they have subtle tells. Usually, the tells occur in conjunction with them starting to act annoyed with the victim’s existence and around the time future faking begins to give way to that game of making plans and then confusing the target by making up insane stories and then accidentally telling me they did what we had planned after all.... with someone else, not me. It’s so predictable. I don’t even flinch on that one anymore, which annoys them to no end. Sometimes I’ll throw in a, “oh sorry I missed out then. No worries though, I made other plans. Glad you enjoyed yourself.” And they will do it if you let them. All on their own. We don’t have to react, confront, yell or fight. They will escalate it all on their own until they see a reaction. Makes it so easy to let them makes fools of themselves. But yeah. Every time, without fail, just after that very first devaluation, they will tell on themselves.... they will tell us what they’re about to do to us, and then they will accuse us of being the ones doing it. It’s not even that clever and once I’m onto them, I’m basically safe. I’m usually sad, knowing the relationship won’t be what I hoped. But I’m free to let them do all the work themselves, not feed them their precious fuel, and then I’m free to leave before they get to discard me. It doesn’t even have to be mean or nasty on my part..... all I have to do is remind them of their own words and actions and reveal to them that I was aware. I’m sure you know how much they love that. If scares the crap out of them. And I think of how they’ll feel the next time they target someone, that they will feel that twinge or doubt they try to engender in us, wondering how many of us are catching on and if their game has an expiration date because god forbid they should have to interact with humans on a human level. Poor little narcissists.
First, I knew the story of Narcissis from school, but had never heard the actual word applied to a person until my therapist called my ex husband one during my horrific 4 1/2 year divorce. He totally cut me off financially and I asked my therapist why he was doing this to me after 45 years of marriage. His answer was " he's a Narcissist! It's not to you but for him! " I remember asking my ex what he thought love was or what it meant to him. Immediately he answered me with a question. " What does it mean to you?" My response was when you care so much for someone, say your kids, that you are willing to give your life to save theirs without even thinking about it ". His response to that was " Well, I guess that I have never really loved anyone then." I didn't know if he were just being cute and smart a$$ with his answer or if he truly meant it. When I realized from his expression that he truly meant it, at least for me, but probably not for our kids I hoped,
I cannot like this video enough. Currently entangled with a Narcissist in our group of friends for 15 years. Every time I’m around that person it takes me a week or more to recover from being around them. The gaslighting and mask they put up is so exhausting. Unfortunately most of my friends cannot see it and others have left the group of friends. I try to avoid the narcissist, but my friends are so entangled with the individual that I either have to give up my friends who I love dearly or deal with the narcissist forever. A terrible place to be.
This is so scary... And I did not put it together. ‘walking on eggshells ‘ made me cry... finally somebody explained that to me. From the bottom of my heart thank you . You brought hope to my life.
Thank you so much for these videos. They are a constant reminder that leaving a 36 year marriage was the right choice. It helps to hear as I don't get this confirmation anywhere else. After all, Mr Charming has everyone else hoodwinked on what a great guy he is. You guys are a great blessing.
Thank you Dr. Carter! Its now getting easier to detect. One thing comes to mind too: They don't care for your achievements. Their talk circles around theirs. (Maybe this was included) Bless you !
![Megan Thee Stallion - Neva Play (feat. RM) [Official Video]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/TpYTyAaTRts/mqdefault.jpg)
It's hard when you realize the man you love never existed!
YES!
It’s like “so what was all that then?”
Exactly. The person who we loved was just projection.
Yes!! Well said and you the core hit the truth
YASSS 💔💔💔
They should be teaching this at the high school level. A lot of people would have been saved from a lot of heartache had such information been widely available. Clipboard in hand, all ready 😁
This should be taught in elementary, middle and high school. Could you imagine more emotionally equipped kids?
That is true!! I am making sure my kids know about that
Sunny I wish my son knew about it...Angie
@@ShareBrightLight I think more information is being brought to light regarding this. The checklist of what to look for given by Dr Carter may become common knowledge.... hopefully. My fear is that because they are so good at being social chameleons, they will adapt to common knowledge and become even more adept at hiding who they are.... initially anyway. I wish you peace and love 😊
Totally agree! Many narcissists start to display narcissistic traits in middle school; and some teachers are also narcissists who verbally, emotionally or even physically abuse students
18 of 20. Serious trauma. I’m out after 33 years of “marriage,” thank you, Jesus.
It's not you, it was NEVER you and there is abundant life after the narc. Stay strong and enjoy your well-earned, new found freedom. God Bless. x
18 out of 20 here too. Serious trauma. May the force be with you! I enjoyed ( well, maybe enjoy is the wrong word) Patrick Carnes, The Betrayal Bond. It helped me a lot. 37 years for me. But getting out. Thank you Jesus🙏. And Dr. C too.
Me too! 🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌. Praise the Lord!
Vic Baker me too
And me, thankfully only had to endure 9 years before he discarded. It’s not easy to get your head straight again, is it? One day at a time though, we’ll get there
Another thing about narcs: they have zero appreciation for anyone's time, effort, labor, knowledge, training, skill or talent, especially if they're paying one red cent for it. I guess that's part of their sense of entitlement.
100% right
Nancy Riley Omg how SICK I would get of my narc explaining to me he could do anybody’s job if he was trained. It’s like yeah, and if you had a bunch of tires you could be a school bus! BLEH when I convinced him once to go to the therapist with me he said HE would have HER “ on the couch in five minutes.” at NFL football games when they would salute veterans “ too often” , he would shout out “enough !... where are the salutations for me and my spreadsheets! “
This must be the same person where you have acommodated him a room yet he will climb over your head and gaslight/backstab you.
10 tires Schoolbus 😃😄😀 imma use that ty very much haha
Exactly, especially if your their nanny of their newborn through the toddler years and when you break your ankle and they are devestated you aren't there for them to do everything.
"Unsolicited advice equals criticism."
WOW! I had to slowly repeat this to let it sink in & savor the truth of it.
I am a Math professor and among my lectures, I’ve been quite often talking to my students about narcissists. Once, one of my students asked me the reason I was talking to them about narcissists. Then, I said “It may not make part of the curriculum, but getting educated on this matter will make the majority of you guys not going through a lot of emotional pain. Teaching my students to grown emotionally is also one of my goals.” Nowadays, more and more students have liked these
real-life talks. 🙏🏻
I hope you have some break-throughs! Dr. C
You are indeed a teacher that cares, thank you dear one.
Thank you for caring so much for your students and giving them the knowledge they need besides academics, just a real life topic😊
Thank you for teaching this awareness to your students. Good life lesson.
What you are doing is kind and wonderful 🕊🌷
“Some werewolves are hairy on the inside.”
― Stephen King
"I saw a werewolf at Trader Vic's. His hair was perfect."
-Warren Zevon.
That creepy song made me think of a narc I knew.
Oh yes!!!!! Thank-you for sharing that.
He would know!
I'm stuck on the inside with one for now. Ironically she is nearly a scholar on all of SK's work. Never really understood the irony though. Almost but not quite.
Whoa
I came across this Facebook status I posted 2 years ago today and thought it might be helpful here: When you worry about how hard leaving an abuser is, think about how hard NOT leaving has been.
For sure. I’m in the middle of divorce process. It’s tough, but I keep promising myself I must persevere, and I will look back after 1 year, to evaluate the changes in my world. Until then, no looking back.
Vic Baker you can do this
Not leaving is wasted years
Darlene Cane oh I like that! Thanks 😊
My ex-husband tried to kill me and was in prison. Well, after some time we talked on the phone (to discuss the divorce) When he found out who my new relationship was with, He warned me! His words to me were "He is going to hurt you, Worse than I did. And I don't mean, physically".. they used to be friends. That's how I knew him.. Now remember, that came from the man that beat me over the head with a crowbar and was in prison for attempted murder! Do Not Ignore the Warnings! Yes, they prey on victims of abuse.. He actually told me that what he does isn't that bad, "it ain't like I beat cha with a crowbar" ?!?! His type of repeated abuse, actually Hurt Worse, and Still does.
I divorced my malignant covert narcissistic husband over 10 years ago, before I even understood what a narcissist was, but I keep coming back to your channel to hear your wisdom and reinforce the fact that I didn’t imagine the emotional abuse - it was secret, but it was real. You are so intelligent, profound and kind. I’m sure you’re helping thousands of people with this work. 🙏
I divorced mine too ....
Social media has brought out the narcissism in people!
Real life Check-list for identifying narcissism:
Intellectual/academic way:
- high control
- low empathy
- exploitative
- manipulative
- need to be superior
- sense of entitlement
(Very self absorbed way of living)
How does narcissism play out at home, or at work (so you can identify it):
(20 different ingredients)
1. Their public self and private self do not match (can be phony, may be charming, but are really difficult privately)
2. Their loyalty towards you is superficial at best (you are utile. When you seize fulfilling the function (supply) you are out the door)
3. Can not admit mistakes and keep repeating them (they blame and shift focus to other individuals)
4. Lots of unsolicited advice (=criticism). They observe and let you know what you did wrong.
5. Introspective thinking is virtually unexisting (they live with a mask on. For them to be introspective they would need to be honest about their fears, insecurities, and hurts that they experienced.)
6. Make comments about reminding you about your obligations (agenda). Want to fit you to that agenda, by saying "you should" , " you must" etc..
7. Strong inclination to other people. They categorize people (race, gender, lifestyle). They go for similar people (??!). They don't bother learning from other people, that would make them feel less special.
8. Nursing idealized fantasies (about material things. even if they can not afford them. They don't want to be considered ordinary. )
They want to be with beautiful people, and want people to admire/adore them.
9. They can be attracted to people/themes/activities that exude power/authority (they like to get to the top of the organisation. Run over people)
10. Emotional vulnerability is awkward at best (that is for emotional weaklings. They need to give the appearance of being in control, and to be on top of everything)
11. Willing to lie & omit essential facts (life is a competition. Don't have a sense of honesty, openness, trustworthiness.
They want to win over you. The truth is what they need it to be today.)
12. Often use veiled threats (better think twice what you say. Try me.)
13. Extreme in the way they manage money (either tight/dictatorial or very loose/self indulgent. Money to them is power and self indulgence).
14. If you confront them you will be met with irrational madness (How dare you! Openly or passive agressive)
15. Persistently dismissive of other people"s feelings (it's all black or white. Emotions don't fit into BW slots. They don't try to understand)
16. They like to steal affirmations from other people (they want to be the center of attention, so they take the credit for the success).
17. They exude a chronic undertone of annoyance and frustration (You feel like walking on eggshells)
18. They have many double standards (what matters to you does not apply to them. E.g. lying, angry, screaming, wasteful)
19. Have a poor comprehension of love (it equals conformity, you can admire them.
They can not give patience, tollerance, acceptance. )
20. Have little to no appreciation for your boundaries.
BOUNDARIES = having a definition of who you are , and stay inside your definition.
They will try to define you, and blur those boundaries.
If they have 10+ of these features, bad sign.
If 15+: very toxic relationship, it will not work well at all.
1. Make sure, if you notice these ingredients in someone, to be ready to examine them in yourself as well. And to make sure they are not predominant.
2. Know what it means that someone has these traits (see above)
Great notes! Thanks. Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissism you're welcome, Dr. C. :)
All. Thankyou. . My notebook already knows. So backward.
Thanks for the list!
@@illbeback126 welcome!
Narcissists will show emotion when they know it while give them the upper hand or not look like the bad guy.
Yep! Dr. C
Those are the worst ones!
That part
After 16 months of marriage I discovered she was a narc +19 of these symptoms listed, I set some boundaries with her, she blamed me for everything and told me I had 4 days to get out of her house, I did it in 2, dodged a bullet, thank you God.
u r so lucky.
Burton wallace 16 years married to a man who had 14 of the 20. Congratulations to you! Someday...
Good for you!
Good gracious ❤🙏
I believe they lack humor. At least turned inwards, they can't laugh at themselves and despise anyone else who does. You want to make an enemy of a narcissist, ignore or laugh at them.
I dont know but they have this disgusting auras that makes you do not want to have a conversation with them.
I don't remember ever seeing my mother smile. Not even in photos. I remember though her laughing when talking about how my sister had to put up with dad touching her..... Sick.
@@Chahlie At the expense of some other person in pain, yes. My current CN doesn't laugh at jokes or funny TV shows. But someone getting hurt or embarrassed, he enjoys that. If he's trying to impress someone, he does this contrived extended laugh. It's so uncomfortable to watch. Your mom makes me think of Livia on the Sopranos. How she's a black hole who is incapable of happiness. But she laughs when her son fell down the steps. That's my mom too. I basically married my mom, which is really creepy. I thought only women acted catty and two faced. He listens in on private conversations. Then go report to people about what was said about them. He has no ability to make friends, so he tries to drive wedges between people.. Wouldn't it be easier to be up front and kind?
@@shannon8315 That fake laugh, in the family we call it tittering. They dream up ways to drive wedges and sit back and watch, feeling smug. They have no idea of kindness and charitable work absolutely does not exist. And Dr C. probably didn't mention for legal reasons, the threatening to kill themself when caught in their own web of deceit.
My mother has zero sense of humor. This she laughs at times that are not funny. Like she get dig at someone or insult them then laugh and laugh if get mad then she like it was just a joke. But I know het she wasn't joking she really means the insult. I love comedy clubs but my N mother wouldn't find that kind of humor funny or if were to try and tell a cute/dumb joke she be like what's your point I'm like we'll blah blah blah get it she doesnt I'm like never mind. Nope mother cannot have fun unless it is at someone s expense.
I didn't even know what a narcissist was until I was 6 months into a relationship with one. I knew he was broken and thought I could fix him. I thought if I demonstrated my love then he would make me happy. He gave me nothing and took everything. I have recently left the situation and I'm committed to turning my pain into power.
I pray that everything worked out for you & that you are healed & blessed🦅🦅🦅
Dr. J♥️
Your comment is from a year ago, but just saw this video tonight. I was in a similar situation where I just thought loving her enough would bring her around and soften her. In the video the Dr. says that 10 or more of those traits is definitely a problem, 15 or more and that is a toxic situation. It's important to see what we see early in any relationship and accept that if we are seeing that many traits, just accept it and as gracefully as possible, leave the relationship. And for goodness sake leave before marriage and kids. The emotional damage to kids can be quite devastating. I hope and pray you are in a much better situation today and are healing!
Glad you escaped
Mood swings. Dr Jekyll Mr Hyde. Says one thing, does another. Always carries a sense of infulfillement. Victimises oneself. Demands things. Unappreciative. Everyone in their past was always at fault, exes, employers, friends. Starts verbally and emotionally abusing you.
*LEAVE*
I know this very well
@@robinrevell5873 worst time to be cooped up with narcissist. Distance yourself when (if) you can. In one ear out the other.
@LegOver Lass lol, Pleeeeeeease can i come stay with you? 😂
LegOver Lass I’m so happy that you have peace with your situation. I believe we are all made in God’s image and He speaks to us through our consciences. I am thankful you have peace with yours. It is always best if we can walk in love. God bless you so much.....I’ve been married to my narc for 38 years...So tired.....Angie
@@ShareBrightLight in only 25 years in, but 41 total due to my family and many others. God BLESS you.... I had developed thyroid cancer that almost killed me twice before i knew i had it. Went to an integrative, eastern endocrinologist who became a born again Christian and doctor at God's request. She told me that i was the second sickest patient she has ever seen. I cannot even begin to tell you what my husband put me through. But somehow, i am expected to get over it. Kinda hard to do when you literally met and fought HIS demons face to face......all of this propelled me STRAIGHT into the Loving Arms of The Father.....my testimony is going to rock people.....it was like LITERALLY living through a horror movie and the ironic part is that there actually was a horror movie made that reflects a lot of what i experienced in the house we lived in for 22 years. It was called 1408 with John Cusack i think? and the ironic part is that our address was also 1408.....
I’m learning at 50 that I lived all my life in narcissistic relationships. Well, better later than never. I realize now that I have to realize first why I’m attracted towards narcissistic people and try to heal that before anything else !!!
I hear that. Me too!
❤️
I learned at 52 years old!!! I was married to a covert- narrisst for 31 years!!! I'm disabled from his abuse and he abused me through the court system and I got almost nothing! I have to now live with my abusive parents! I wanted to go back to court but I didn't because he involved both of our adult children and my daughter would of lost her job at the bank! He threw her under the bus !!! I wasnt going to make her lose her job over a secret account that she opened for him. He cleaned out checking and savings then told her I was stealing money from him!!! Haha!!! The jokes on him because Gods going to give him Karma oneday!!! Narrisst always blame you for what they are doing!
Same!!
I was 50 as well, that was 4 years ago. I asked him to leave. He bought an apartment I didn't think he had money for, so much secretiveness. I didn't realise I was being played with for 20 years. I couldn't believe that any human would do that to another, it's the sort of thing you see on tv, not in real life. I was so ignorant....I was in shock for a few weeks. I grew up with a very controlling mother whom I loved greatly, not realising that she too was a narcissist and it was all about her, her feelings, her thoughts and her opinions. It's odd, but my husband made me see the light (the darkness) I walked away from my mother, no contact for 5 years, my beautiful son meant nothing to her which very much saddens me. Now I'm myself, without all the war and silences and the dark stormy clouds. You validate yourself, no-one else should have that power.
I had to watch this twice. The one I'm dealing with fits all 20.
Run
hope your able to get out .
20 sa well ...Am out and free .
KRE KRE wowww. That is very brave of u. I haven’t had the ability to do that. Does your mother ever try to contact u? Do u have siblings?
KRE KRE wowwww. Good for you. I feel like you’re describing my life. My mom and sister are narcs. My sister is the golden child, and is very malignant. She thrives off of ruining my relationships with my family (my brother, who, is also narcissistic but to a lesser degree). My mother’s love is very conditional. I have Blocked my sister in all aspects of social media and I have not spoken to her in almost 2 years. Not even one word. She essentially has ruined the entire family. It’s still all so unbelievable to me.
I wish we could put their names on a billboard so people would avoid them like the plague/coronavirus.
They are the plauge
I vote for a tattoo on their foreheads!
Yeah like a yellow star maybe.
Then you can start with me, as I search all I can find is recovering from narcissistic abuse etc… But very little almost none advise for the self-aware narcissist, I wonder if it's cause of the fact that there is no cure in general sense or maybe there is more to it, any way vote up tattoos, marks or name on the billboard ?
@@samfisher1964 I would give anything to get my narc to change. Did you come to the realization yourself?
So essentially, first the narcissist conforms to you in the lovebombing stage. Then once they’ve hooked you, they expect you to conform to them thereafter.
That feels like an important revelation. Thank you once again, Dr C.
Happened to me…then left
I love how Dr Carter has all the accurate info on Narcs but his main focus is on the victim and what they can do to make their situations and life better. After 13 years of living with a narc, I followed his advice and in 3 weeks I was discarded. I was devastated at first but after a month, I am glad it happened and I am glad I am finally the type of person that a Narc will forever stay away from. I am me, I am free.
Be you, be free! Dr. C
Jean Peter Congratulations on breaking free!
Ain't it sweet? Happy for you! It's time to celebrate life, not feel bad about.
So glad to hear ! Good on you Jean !
Absolutely brilliant! Never ever let yourself be a.victim again and live free and happy ❤️❤️❤️
18! He checked off 18, and I was being very cautious and generous. My divorce was final two weeks ago. I still find myself wanting reassurance that it was as bad as my heart, body, mind and soul remembers it. I would NEVER go back, but it helps to be reminded that the trauma, confusion, and craziness was real, legitimate and absolutely not my fault. What would have humbled most people (divorce, supervised visits, court ordered steps, etc...) has only emboldened him. All it takes is a short run in with him to see the egotism, entitlement and pride still going strong. It is actually quite sad and I am so glad I am finally free.
17 or 18 🚩
It hurts to see how desperately they have to be viewed as all good. I know a narcissist and I truly feel bad for how awful their emotional life really is. All the facade is very obvious to me thanks to you Dr. C. It is really so very sad that this person will never really know true unconditional love and happiness.
Both my parents are narcissists. Married a narcissist at age 19, left him after three years. Have gone almost completely no-contact with all of them, so much happier. 😊
Edit: (1/23/2023) I've been completely no contact with my family since December 2021 (except for 3 messages that managed to slip through). Other than that, my life, mental health, and self-confidence has improved exponentially. 10/10 would recommend.
Good for you!!!!
God bless you❤🙏
Only one of my parents is. It's hard to let go when you spent your whole life trying to live up to their expectations. I didn't even realize my father was a narcissist until now. :( it really makes me depressed.
@@mr.giraffe7076 I feel that... 😳😢
My father is a narcissist. I’ve cut him out of my life and it’s been 4 years of no contact. Good riddance!
Make sure when you watch this type of stuff you're thinking of yourself first
"Money to them represents power". My partner would often say how he could never have enough money. When asked by me, "Why?", he would respond, "Because money buys everything, including people. With money, I can control my world".
Absolute truth. The more $ they have, the more they can control and manipulate the people around them, who are blind to the game.
I always wondered why money never meant much to me, and I realized that it was because I have so much to offer as a person. I do pro bono work for people, as any empath would, thereby saving people quite a bit of money, sometimes. Narcs often don't have any skills, and if they do, they're stingy with them. Their only currency of worth is monetary, since they have no innate worth.
It's hilarious when a worthless narc (I know...the adjective is redundant) tries to bribe you, but it doesn't work because you can provide for yourself, or simply don't want any tainted thing they're offering.
Being able to walk away nonchalantly from a narc is our greatest power.
@@MoPoppins And they're left puzzled. They don't understand how anyone could walk away from their
wonderful so compassionate so kind so everything blah blah selves.
@@sduskybutterflyk3720 -- Exactly! 🤣
Smh.
It has taken me many years of heart break to realise my mother is a narcissist. I have at 60 years old finally cut all contact and I couldn’t be happier. She is still terrorising my siblings . Karen R
@Micah McGillicuddy I agree with you.. my mom is a covert narc. . Being aware of it and having the knowledge about it gives me the strength to handle it she can talk .. she can blame. .nothing touches me anymore. ... she is still my mom and I can handle her now. . Luckily she is not the worst case of narc but she definitely had a big negative influence on my life
My sister in law is a Narc., destroyed my nieces and nephews lives, they never got married, one has an eating obesity disorder, the other is a horder, another is afraid of her with panic attacs and was never happy, so sad, but they destroy their own kids.
Same. I’m 60 and cut ties about 5 years ago with my family but my sisters got stuck with my mother. They are both narcissistic so they all deserve each other. This scapegoat finally walked away.
I did the same thing with my Narc Dad at 54. Was one of the most painful things of my life but has been so necessary for my healing.
My gut started to feel discomfort when I am near a narcissist. In my work, I have around 7 narcissists. Thanks god I don't work with them everyday. When I do, there's gaslighting, manipulation, projection. I watch these videos to see the reality
There seem to be atleast one of those people in every workplace. Really annoying people that know how to get under your skin.
Dear Lord, and I thought I had it bad with the 3 I have. Remember you're very strong! Best wishes
So critical to have videos/channels like this to serve as a touchstone, where you'd otherwise receive no validation for what's happening in your reality.
seems very unlikely though. Narcissist make up just around 1 % of society. maybe they are just assholes
ad libitum - Those stats are COMPLETELY off. I’ve heard that # before, but it’s not based on observation of reality. In the average scenario, taking a “random” sample of people, I’d say that anywhere from 50% (on the low end) to 90% can be narcissistic at a level that makes them toxic and ineffective (where they use blame, scapegoating, etc., rather than work towards problem-solving).
On a narcissist would cite that percentage.
I’ve been with my husband for 20 years and after 17 or so years of being told that I was defective and keeping him on a pedestal I finally figured out he was a narc. I’m still in shock. I’m still with him and he has all 20 of these traits. Woe is me...Thanks to you I am surviving through this. Every time he yells I separate and watch your videos. They are very soothing and keep me sane. Thank you dearly, doctor.
Hi Willow. You sound like a beautiful person. So when are you going to love yourself and make plans to leave?? I say this from a place of love.
Wow hats off to you. I can't relate more to you. I am in a similar mess. And I am stil stuck with him for 21 years. Can't leave because kids are around. 3 of them and its such a situation where there is some kind of drama around him every weekend. It took two years of covid and work from home to realise how crazy this man is. All this time I thought and always blaming myself. But now i know and realise, no matter how much I try it will not work.
If you enter a room full of people and you can't breathe, you know it's filled with the presence of a narcissist.
So so true
I Have So Many
Narcissists Are Very Rude Ppl Very High Need For Control.
Low Levels Of Empathy They Always Have To Have The Upper
Hand.There Favorite Punishment Is The Silent Treatment
The Abuse Never Ends..
Extremley rude its like they dont have any decency in them at all.
andy pete You Are
So InCredibly right
My child’s father displays all of these. 20/20. I left that relationship a year ago and I’m still deeply traumatised. These videos help me so much with understanding the confusion of it all... No one really understands narcassistic abuse until they’ve been through it. Completely soul destroying
I tried to explain what I'm going through and how I'm feeling and nobody gets it they can't see the control that he has over me which I've left him and it's going to be 2 months the longest I've ever stayed away from it but it's so hard I don't understand it all I feel like I am trash to him
@@dawngarcia9586 you're not going back are you??????? NEVER WASTE A MOMENT ON AN ABUSER. DO YOU UNDERSTAND THIS??? DO YOU THINK GOD WANTS THAT FOR YOU???
@@dawngarcia9586 please stop this weakness. YOU DESERVE BETTER. PLEASE. NOBODY DESERVES ABUSE. NOBODY. LEAVE AND STAY GONE. FIND A NEW JOB A NEW HOBBY A NEW ANYTHING. OK???? I ONLY SAY THIS BECAUSE I CARE.
@@YourCapyBruv_do_u_rmbr_3Dpipes I know you're right and yes I did go back and I'm trying but it's already screwed up again
@@dawngarcia9586 I understand. It can be very hard letting go. I've never been deep in a relationship with a narc but have had unhealthy ones before and narc-like people in my family. Just please be safe whatever you do and understand that of you're guy is indeed a narc or some other level of damaged person where you aren't valued or appreciated, it's almost certain it won't get better. But I know it's not always that easy to pick right up and leave, there are practical issues in addition to emotional ones. Please lean on any good friends or family you might have when it comes time to walk away. There's just no reason to keep unhealthy or toxic people in your life, at least those that intentionally hurt and mistreat you. You know, it's just throwing good time after bad and it's not fair to you. When you're finally ready to leave, you'll know you did everything possible to try to make it work, but it's not you- if a person has something wrong in their head no amount of love in the world on its own can fix that. Anyhow please just be safe and don't let anyone push you around. I never have, and I never will (I'm F). Don't give up your self-love, or your personal power to anyone. If someone really loves you or cares for you, there won't be much drama, it won't be a new crisis every day, and they will be doing everything to build you up and treat you well, not leave you feeling like trash. And if he's a true narc, maybe he's not, but if he is, he's unlikely to ever truly love anyone. A healthy relationship gives you PEACE, and gives you happiness and makes you feel better about yourself, not worse. Just remember that. Take the best care of yourself possible and always remember to put yourself and your mental well-being first, and value yourself in EVERY situation, and don't ever let anyone tell you shouldn't! Peace and love! 🙌
I finally came to terms with the fact that we were groomed from childhood by a dysfunctional parent to be pulled into the orbit of these narcissists. We are easy prey. If we weren’t, we wouldn’t be susceptible to their manipulations. That’s why being married to one is so difficult. We get the go along to get along mantra. I took it for 20 years, the whole thing blew up in my face. Left and then was sucked (literally) into another abusive manipulative relationship. I’m finally figuring out how to say no and draw the line in the sand. What is comes down to is your sanity or letting the narcissists have their way. Better late than never.
32
The book - “Take Back Your Life” by Stephen Arterburn & David Stoop (Amazon has it) will help you to see how experiences from childhood shape our worldview, in how we think about our parents; how we currently navigate in life; and why we behave the way that we do.
I have dealt with several narcissistic relatives during my life and I want to impress upon you this:
The people closest to us (spouse/partner, parents, siblings) will either help lift you up or tear you down, depending on where they are at in their emotional maturity level and their capacity to love others. Humans were created to be interconnected, so we innately BELIEVE what those closest to us, are telling us truth about ourselves, even when they are lies, distortions, and unprovoked vicious attacks! The wounded victim is left confused, bewildered, and ALONE, trying to parse out the intent of the person who is hurting them. Over time, this cycle of abuse starts to shred your self worth, your self esteem, and your sanity! In the meantime, your narc is satisfied that life is going THEIR WAY! Your only way out of their toxic maze, is to seek help from understanding counselors (like Dr. Carter); read books to understand yourself better; and find ways to physically distance yourself from your tormentor(s)!
Waiting for a narc “to finally get it” (admit that they have hurt you) is futile! It will SELDOM/if EVER happen! You have to love yourself enough to save YOU! You also have to be willing to leave everything behind (including worldly possessions) to begin your new journey toward FREEDOM!
So happy you got out!
FYI: I found folks like you who understand how this really messes you up on the subreddit message board "raised by Narcissists." It is a good community to hear others recount similar life experiences because, for example, I didn't understand a lot of why i ended up in these toxic friendships and it was because I was still copying the behaviors learned in childhood.
Agree. So crazy I noticed this at such a young age. All of my sisters got pregnant at 16 it was like clock work. I almost killed all of them when I turned 18 had no kids and went to college.
I'm seeing that the crap (a lot) I endured as a child is why I have to go through this terrible abuse today
"Invalidating", could could be construed to have "neutral"-implications, but the narcissist is into "de-valuing" your opinions -- thus, "de-validating" the empath .
Never asking how YOU feel today.
Never saying thank you for all the things you do for them.
Never saying I'm sorry.
Never stop thinking and talking about THEMSELVES for one moment.
Yep!!
Not to mention: "How was your day", he doesn't care how my day was. However, he's quick to say "What's the matter bad day at work" after he's ticked me off and I respond. I've all but stopped responding once I figured out he's pushing my buttons to get supply. "Thank you" is not in his vocabulary along with "Please" and make no mistake, it's ALL about him, he never stops talking about himself!! It's exhausting which is why I've carved out a busy life that limits my time being in the same room with him.
“That’s how you know you’re a somebody, when you can run over people “ 😆! Very humorous description of the narc. They’re like children on a playground, or the bully who shoves down others they consider weaker, or inferior.. Or those of whom they are envious of & threatened by... Real show of strength indeed.. It’s been said, “Strong volume, doesn’t compensate for a weak argument... Thank you doctor..
They keep making mistakes and when you say something they reply with "I can never do anything right".
Omg, it s what he says to family to make it seem like I 'M the problem...it worked for decades...no more...
V ... oh boy that’s right out of the narc handbook. I get that one All the time.
Yes that is my husband totally! Aces no matter what he does it is never good enough. I have realized that is the mark of someone with very low self-esteem who is also empty inside.
I was able to check off all 20. I'm so trapped. I can feel anymore. I couldnt even cry at my grandmother's funeral. I don't know who I am anymore :(
Thank you! This was the most clear description I've listened to so far.
We went to a therapist in toronto and I told him I was experiencing anxiety for the first time in my life and a lot of it surfaced when I found out about 4 people he cheated on me with and he kept making contact and it was putting me into a state of permanent panic. The therapist told me if i was going to dig up the past he would not be able to help me :( i felt i wasn't heard.
That's amazing...in a not so good way. I wonder about that therapist's own personal experiences. Dr. C
I didn't know you could have a hormone imbalance due to stress, perhaps this is why I have developed hypothyroidism out of the blue at age 48.
I once returned home from the grocery store without the cash register tape. (He liked to categorize the purchases, and wanted to be certain I didn't buy something just for myself.) He demanded that I return to the shopping center to look for it. I said I wasn't going to do that, and he responded "You will, or you'll be very sorry." This exchange took place about a month before I was going to leave and file for divorce, so I was a little bolder than usual, and said, "M don't threaten me." He moved in closer and said, "I am threatening you. You need to be very aware that I am threatening you." I said, "What are you going to do, M?" He responded, "You'll find out soon enough." No, no I won't. I'm done finding out. In fact, I'm done. (Of course I didn't say that last part. I'm not that stupid.)
Talk about a control frick!!!
My ex husband would say things like, "if you don't shut up I'll find a way to shut you up." Scary stuff. Put up with it for 10 years. Been free for almost 2!
@@samanthaneidholt9560 my ex-lover said something similar: "You'd better be quiet or I'll take ya out. And it ain't gonna be to dinner". This from someone who claimed to "love" me... Nice, eh?!
Im glad you're all free. True evil. They will burn in hell, just know that. I wouldn't have stayed tho for 5 seconds. I don't care how big someone is, they threaten me and it's the last words they'll ever say.
I can't fathom being so passive and weak and allow any human being alive to talk to me that way. I'd have a murder rap faster than someone can blink.
I'll kill my own goddamn self before I EVER EVER let myself be anyone's victim. It would just never happen in a billion years. Like voting for the satanic cult of the GOP, or cutting off my own arm.
Some of you all need to learn how to respect yourself and draw boundaries. Passivity and weakness is a cancer that will destroy you. If you don't learn to overcome it, you might as well quit this life now because it will literally end you, by setting you up to be another's prey. Sad. Don't let it. Choose strength.
@@lynnemenard5910 and that wasn't a clue to leave???? I hope you're safe now.
If anyone's threatened me like that I can't imagine the rage I'd fly into. They would be lucky to escape with their life. I hope you stop choosing psychopaths for mates next time. They should live and die alone. Anyone who says that to anyone and means it deserves death and a painful one at that.
A check list for covert narcissist is important too. Because we all need someone to tell us what we want.
My narc was a covert, and checked pretty much the whole list
It gets tricky with coverts. Very tricky, especially with the cerebral, successful ones. Observe more and most importantly listen to your gut. Thanks, Dr. C. Once again, great pointers!
I am adding to what was said by others. It was my experience i was married to a Narcissist for 10 years. It was an emtional rollercoster but thank God i got off. The sad truth is i never really heard him apologise for anything he did lied,cheat, debt.
I am thankfull i made it through that storm.
Well, that's 20 out 20 for my ex. Glad I'm finally divorced from her. Still watching these kinds of vids though to remind me and keep an eye out for red flags from people I associate myself with.
I have learned to see that the guy I am dating drives me crazy because he exhibits many of these behaviors. Time to set myself free.
Pretty sure my narc is telling himself that I'M the narcissist.
Mine would tell me I'm crossing their boundaries when I expressed any of my needs. She also claimed I was gas lighting her when what I said didn't match her memory which was exceptional.
THIS!!
Mine tell me that out loud.
Yeah my girlfriend of now going on 5 years tried to tell me I was a narcissists I was like what.. I bend over backwards for her. We've been in 2 big trips she was suppose to pay her part.. Never seen a dime.. On the last trip because of this covid she was unable to get her hair done for months . So I checked and were we were going she could get it done.. She said she had the money sat aside.. Come time to get it done she didn't have it and got pissed because I said no I want going to pay.. I've watched this and many other videos. And this one hit the nail on the head, and so did all the others.. The funny thing is how they use the words exactly as the narc. Says it i was blown away..
@@larrysnyderthecandorealtor I have a narcissistic partner she says all the same things and calls me a narcissist but funny thing is I bend over backwards for her even hurting my relationship between my family doing things I did not want to do because I found them to be wrong still chose her side may have lied in the past to not hurt her feelings but it was the wrong thing to do and I kept things away from her to avoid the fights and arguments at the same time I bent over backwards working all the time trying to come home take care of my kid take care of her.... I understand this all too well and the sad thing is I genuinely love her even though I know she's a narcissist but the thing is life gets too difficult when a narcissist can't give anything back she'll do some things but when it comes to acknowledging anything I do for her it is always me being a b**** or being lazy or I don't care and she calls me a narcissist I find it funny that narcissists actually seem to call other people narcissists and I've known she was a narcissist after a relatively short time. Into our relationship and I really did try to do everything possible to keep it going but it's been 3 years and a half now and there is never going to be a change from her so now I change my mindset and I accept that she's a narcissist and I just changed my thought process on what to expect from her she's brought out the worst in me and also brought out the best in me because well who the f*** would stay with somebody after going through all the crazy s*** I did she calls that desperation but seriously I'm not desperate at all and I find it funny that she calls me a narcissist calls me desperate and I just don't want to be up alone but yet my future plans are to move away and live alone out in the middle of the woods in a log cabin kind of ironic that she would say I don't want to be alone and she would think that I'm desperate but I'm not.... I'll never be able to change your non never be able to get the help that she needs she has an incurable case of narcissism and sadly I still love her but just because you love someone doesn't mean that things will always work out I'll continue to do my best but if things keep getting worse and worse I'll just have to move on even if she breaks the rest of my stuff and destroys my apartment $2,000 laptop broken $400 PlayStation Pro most likely it'll be broken my car that's almost paid off pretty sure she'll try to Total it and I'm pretty sure if I don't have her moved out within one night if we have a break up she'll destroy my apartment to oh wait let's add on top of that show also try to get me fired from my job that's table that provides food for my son and she would try to take away my son now note these are all things that she has said to me already. But yet somehow I still stay with this person showing them love when a lot of the time they don't deserve it. And they called me desperate like seriously you can't tell the difference between love and Desperation......:(
Yep!
(The 2 most narcissistic people in my life are quick to ACT vulnerable with their wailing and fake tears of manipulation.)
N V ... covert aka vulnerable, female narcissist..... in the work place, manipulating situations to gain advantage which means that someone might need information and she’s the only one who has it; not sharing very important details with the two other team members but disguising it with fake interest in things going on with you; being a martyr, appearing to be working harder than everyone else and sacrificing her time; going to the supervisors with twisted information to make other team members look like they’re not playing fair or are being mean to her; using tears to avoid being accountable or to put others on the spot; lying to superiors to appear like the hero of the day; exhausting
@@karennaturallyartby I'm sorry to hear that you are experiencing that. I agree it is so exhausting. For me, it is my mother and my ex husband. Both of them meet all 20 symptoms. Neither of them are truly vulnerable but use crying and over the top dramatics to APPEAR like they are. It goes right back to them wearing masks and not living in reality. Take care and continue to learn how to make and keep healthy boundaries.
I swear the narc I'm involved with has read a how to book on how to be a narcissist and was like...wow this looks fun I'm going to act like that. Then does every single thing to the T! It's strange.
Cutting all narcs out - The moment their faces turn lopsided, I cut!
water grove YES! love that analogy!
😂😂😂 so true.
Well you dont really know if the person is a narc untill its to late.
andy pete this is so true. I was married to one for 20 years. Now I can spot it a mile away.
@@mr.vargas5648 -- AT FIRST. And you might have a number of narcs in your life before you learn the lessons and telltale signs, but if you use PATTERN RECOGNITION and trust your gut intuition, you can head off involvement. You start to recognize the narc one step earlier, until you eventually master the ability to then spot them from a mile away.
I'm dealing with a narcissist. She tried turning all my friends against me, she plays the victim card Alot and never takes responsibility for her actions. She lies to my friends about the things I've said. Twisted my words. She makes up this fantasy that I threaten her because I have my own opinions
NO CONTACT
Been there bro. Keep your head up.
Sounds like she went on a smear campaign, I got the terminology from Dr. Ramani
@@mattstando a what?
@@myunghaneul2515 Smear Campaign
My narcissist 'best friend' (no longer) told me that this is her final lifetime, so enlightened she'd become.
I could watch Gus sleep all day....he’s definitely got a handle on how to relax. Wish these videos were available when I was a teenager. It would have saved me a lot of heartache! Another great video. Thank you!
I am an empath that has been married to a covert narcissist for over 15 years... I feel like I demonstrate some of these traits because I'm sick of the psychological and emotional abuse. I am currently struggling with depression which I mask to the best of my ability. I have a great deal of anger and resentment at every moment of every day...😤😫😡🤯🤔 I feel like it's eating me alive.
Do something about it. You deserve to live happy life. Change something. And yes near these people others can start behaving similar as a way to defend themselves. Dont waste your time
It will eat you alive unless you get out .... get out stay out.
It IS eating you alive.
@@Anita1984isuponus Hi Anita. I took my power back and am doing much better now.
@@northstar5919 I got out around the time of that comment. I am doing great.
I dreamed a dream in times gone by, when hope was high and life worth living......
I like Les Miserables too. Dr. C
i feel you. 💛 you're not alone, my friend. i'm sending lots of love your way.
Your comment reminds me of the poem of Two Frogs that fell into a deep cream bowl.
Idk who wrote the poem but it gave me inspiration to keep trying the past 57 years of my life surrounded in toxicity.
Keep on swimming one frog making it out of the bowl I am wishing to emulate and only a year into my reality I feel as if my life is only beginning.
Best Wishes for the others affected by narcissism on their quest for the peaceful and happy life everyone truly deserves.
I know that this is a lifelong effort of self improvement in my case and I accept all challenges that must be faced which once in my ignorance and despair almost landed me in the loony bin. Teetering on the edge I found the balance to allow forward movement towards the light here first in this community of people who face not only their inner demons but also those demons of the people they loved
Totally. Love this song as well..
Hang in there! Knowledge is power! I wish I had known who I was dealing with while divorcing my ex!
1. 2:02 Public self and private self do not match
2. Loyalty is superficial at best
3. Narcs cannot admit mistakes (and repeat mistakes over and over)
4. Lots of unsolicited advice
5. 3:36 They don’t think introspectively (to become better people)
6. Make comments to remind you of your obligations
7. Strong inclination to ‘other’ people
8. They nurse idealised fantasies
9. Attracted to people/themes/activities that exude power
10. 6:23 Emotional vulnerability is awkward (at best)
11. Quite willing to lie or omit facts
12. Often use veiled threats
13. Extreme in the management of money ( be it over or under spending)
14. Confrontations met with irrational anger. ‘How dare you’ mentality
15. 8:45 Persistently dismissive of others feelings
16. Steal affirmations from other people
17. They exude a chronic sense of frustration and annoyance - you walk oneggshells around them, awaiting their blowup
18. Many double standards. What is required of you is NOT required of them
19. Very poor comprehension of love. They think love is conformity - ie you should do what they want as they know best
20. Little to no appreciation for your boundaries. They try to define who you are.
11:49 Thoughts
Link to checklist:
survivingnarcissism.tv/the-narcissist-checklist/
And I would add that they gain power by ignoring/shunning their victims whenever they feel they want to make a point, I guess.
severe mood swings, sudden anger, always have to walk on eggshells. He was put in a pedestal when he was younger and could do no wrong.
I don't know where all the anger comes from.
It's time to take care of yourself and your loved ones. It's not like anything else on Earth my friend God bless
My ex hit almost every point. Not exaggerating.
I'm pretty sure I've seen most of those signs emerge at various press conferences around the world, too.
Carla the Destructor mine too every one! And they get worse as time goes on
The narc. in my life met every point. If there's more points, she has them.
Yeah mine too... good thing this list only has 20 pts 😃😄
Only today after 2.5 years did I tell him I'll no longer take any blame for things he did. He kept trying and I said NO not my problem anymore. He wasn't happy!
My narcissistic father added physical abuse to the mix. We were all so afraid of him that when he walked towards us, we would wet our pants. Now that we are adults, he has the verbal abuse to fall back on. The really sad thing is that as a narcissist, he thinks that he has never been wrong in his actions or beliefs. He’s 86 years old now and if confronted with anything, he either denies it or thinks that what he did was for our own good.
bayrunner528,You are absolutely gorgeous 🌷🌹🌺,you don't need a narc 😈 in your life!!
OUTstanding as usual, Dr. C! Described to a "t" the Narcissists I've had the "pleasure" of knowing (the best part was "KNOWING" they were out of my life -- for GOOD!). Lol
I'm working at it, trying to get affairs in order, undetected by my narcissist.
I’m going through a slow separation right now. It’s taken two years to get my ExCN to sign the separation agreement. For the longest time he was refusing to acknowledge and negotiate terms. He still keeps trying to have a relationship with me even though I have a new lease signing, etc. I find it very helpful to watch RUclips videos by Dr. Carter, Dr Ramani, Meredith Miller (Inner Integration), Shahida Arabhi, Ross Rosenberg and Lisa Romano. I think when we’re dealing with a situation or person who is chronically invalidating toward us, it helps to listen to ‘the voices of reason’. People who have no vested interest, who can clearly outline and articulate ‘reality’.
This is so absolutely on point, it's astonishing.
The problem I have though, is that I would never have understood what you are talking about if I wouldn't have experienced this myself.
Ergo the main reason most people see us just like the Narc intends them to.
Crazy and to be avoided and or punished as abusers
Decoy 263 sadly, very true
Your relationship with a Narc is always in doubt. You don’t know if you will have a good or bad day. They are always the victims. They don’t care about your feelings. They are liars. They turn everything around and blame it on you and at the end you are the crazy person. They will NEVER APOLOGIZE
They live a double life
@@rosieperez8278 yep you know one, or many they are so alike in character yet so different in looks, gender etc. They're all about kissing peoples asses except yours of course
Giselley The Melley that is the B E S T comment I have read it’s exactly my narcissist man in my life omggggggg exactly him to the T
This is the most comprehensive, clear definition of what a narcissist is that I have ever seen anywhere. Thank you for this absolutely amazing video!
Your talk literally took my breath away - my parents and sister were all narcissists and I thought they were crazy!
Barbara Economos,You look charming 🌹🌺🌺,you don't need a narc 😈 in your life!!
Oh my! My mom has every one of those characteristics.
So sad.
Liz Harmon it is
He just described my FIL 😱
I worked and lived with a woman like this. Unbelievable I got out as fast as I realized what was going on. It did take me time time to wrap my head around it but I am great now. I am lucky that I can see this behaviour fast and make a move. Their are so many of these type humans out there. 🤦♀️
Took me a year to heal after being involved with a narcissist. Wondering what I did wrong but now I feel so free! I realized the problem was not me at all. Now I will know better for next time❤️
Nothing wrong. Maybe you are Just good person these are magnet for narcs
As Dr. Carter said at the beginning--"Knowledge is power". It's our ONLY power!!! Keep listening! Keep learning! It's truly our only hope!
Wow! WOW! My soon to be EX husband of ONLY 1 year is ALL 20! But he was ALSO EXTREMELY abusive verbally, emotionally AND physically. I am slowly recovering from PTSD, and one day I WILL "get my groove back"!!!
My advice is don't jump into a serious relationship too soon. I suffered for 7 years married and my son another 13 because I didn't know this person well enough to identify his narcissism.
Such accurate advice. Dr. C
#4- So true..My ex narc husband would call me into the room to show me/tell me what I did wrong...it had to be "his" way...
I now understand my confusion and frustrations all these years with a narcissist but it's still so scary knowing there are so many out there causing havoc in others lives. Others who are caring, loving, trusting and loyal to a fault. I put a tick to all 20! I am so glad I'm getting out at last!
Oh my word!! I have followed your work and teaching for the past 2 years and this video couldn’t be more timely. I was in a seven year marriage but I’m out and free, though I love and care for my son as a father should. This person had all 20 and more. I’ll tell my story some day. You’ve been such a blessing.❤️❤️🙏🏿🙏🏿🔥🔥
Working for one as their nanny is the most difficult. I have seen so many sides to them. I served a purpose in their life . Very exhausting in making things work in a positive way. It's a struggle to keep children on a routine and set boundaries and trust with them. And I can tell when the parents are lying but the child doesn't know this. So discouraging.
Bless you for being there with these small children. You might be making a very important positive difference in their lives. Prayers you can stick it out but understand if it’s not possible!
2:37 “Utile”
I just learned a new word!
Micah McGillicuddy,
Of course I looked it up! I thought I was perhaps miss hearing.
I’m on “Team Healthy” all the way! Thank you for your time, effort, and concern Dr. C. You have no idea how much you’ve help free me from self blame, and sadness due to dealing with this very difficult situation. THANK YOU 🙏🏽
Yes! I am so eager. Who is taking notes? I met a narc just recently, opened up a bit, then realized that a game was on! I should have caught on earlier. Now, with this list, I am eager to hear, I expect I will be quicker and safer.
Yes!!!!
I just met one who I suspect is one yesterday!! Been through 2 narc relationships. Between that and listening to Dr C and Dr Ramani I was able to spot things and check off several boxes as the conversation drew on!! The more I spoke with this person, the more concerned I became. In the end I was like: You know what? No thanks!!! I feel like I dodged a major bullet!! I am thankful to Dr. C, Dr. Ramani and my experiences!!! All allowed me to see this person afar off!!!
I forgot to add: It’s when they crossed and disrespected every boundary that I put down. They not only treated me that way, but told me how I felt and what I believed didn’t matter! It was very subtle and insidious because it was sprinkled in between love bombing.
My mother used to play the organ in church and she'd sometimes invite the vicar back for Sunday lunch which I'd have spent all morning preparing. I recall one time the vicars wife saying how delicious it was and I proudly said that I'd prepared it. My mother chipped in with "you only started it off"! She snatched the compliment right back. I was 15 and never forgotten it. She could never stand for me to have any compliment even off my own father.
I'm wondering at what place I've been for 55 years. Was i under unaesthetic, was it antibiosis... My eyes are opened finally, thanks to you Dr Carter, finally I'm becoming myself, the person who can smile, joke, the person people are happy to socialize with and have around. Thank you!
Very very accurate!😭 My mother and her family of origin have all 20
Same it’s cross generational I’m telling you it’s sick
#3. Is the absolute epitome of my current bf along with many other bullet points that drives me crazy. He cannot admit any of his mistakes even when he’s caught in a bold face red handed lie. Our relationship is toxic and we are definitely unequally yolked. Very close to walking away from this toxic relationship.
My mother has every sign listed in this video. It’s been two days since she cut me off. I feel lost and broken, but I see hope that my life will improve.
It's been two days for me too, smh. At all stems from something so small, It's sad. Never ending cycle. I'm always left wondering, where does she get this from. Childhood trauma, I'm always wondering why? What is it, sad situation. But, one thing I know for sure is I have so much peace when she cuts me off for whatever reason. She always gets upset when things don't go her way, I'm in my 30s enough is enough.
I just want people to take this very seriously and keep their distance. Some narcissist will escalate and put their hands on you, or even worse. Be safe.
Found your channel tonight. Wow! In one video you just cleared up a big question I had about my ex-husband. I never really thought of him as a narcissist before, but he was 20 out of 20 on your list! I’m a nice, upbeat, positive person. I dated this man for a year that treated me well, and claimed to love me and we got along great. The very day we got married, he turned into a very mean, controlling, name calling man, saying he deserved someone better than me, that I was so ugly and disgusting he refused to ever kiss me after the “you can kiss the bride”. I was not able to understand the dramatic 180 in personality. Over the years I realized the day we married, I met the real man. Initially I tried so hard to please him (which was impossible) to get back the guy I day
Shari Taylor,You are absolutely gorgeous 🌹🌹🌷,you don't need a narc 😈 in your life!!
@@christianpulisic7784 Thank you for your kind words Christian. No one deserves a narcissist in their life. But it happens. Thankfully, Dr. Carter offers great insight and wise counsel here on this channel. I’m determined to not waste this pain, learn from it, and be better, stronger than before. I hope you can too. ☮️
@@shari247peace You are welcome dearest 🌹🌷🌹.I am Christian from the States.You?
@@christianpulisic7784 Yes, committed Christian and from USA
@@shari247peace Wow!!😍😍😍😍😍😍,are you on Hangouts or Gmail so we can always talk?
17 of them.....
Time to do some re-evaluating. Thank you, Dr.C. I'm in the love bombing once again. This has got to stop.
I grew up with one you think I would have spotted the nightmare I married to. I have ruined half my life because of him
Same I agree mine died !!after 40yrs I otherwise I would have not gotten out... God Bless 😇
Take what you have learned to protect yourself those you love and help others.
It will not be in vain, you will be a better person then the narc could ever be.
Gloria Coleman that’s awesome! Thank you!!
Me too. Spent my 20s in a cage of manipulation and power trips.
Dr. C. your honesty is magnanimous. Thank you, AGAIN.
Unsolicited advice can be helpful actually: The more I get, the more I know I'm doing well!
Edited to add: I should probably say my experience with narcs goes back to growing up around one, being a highly sensitive empath who had to learn to read all the signs and tells for survival reasons. Obviously, for a time, this caused me to get hopelessly drawn into the narcissistic/codependent relationship dynamic. Until I learned about and entered therapy. Sometimes, I still stumble across one but have learned how to navigate it in a way that allows me to give the other person the benefit of the doubt, and let’s the actual manipulative people weed themselves out on their own. It still hurts to lose someone but I’m no longer left reeling and wondering what I did to deserve it.
OP:
I’ve recently noted that just before devaluation, every single one of these wretched creatures will do two things: 1) Admit to being manipulative in some other area of their lives, and then soon after, 2) Accuse me of being a manipulative person. I think the objective is to get us to assure them that either they’re not being manipulative OR that the person or people they’re abusing deserve it (it’s always someone they’ve smeared). Basically, this gives them the go-ahead to manipulate the target or victim.
Well I used to behave as expected but I no longer do.
I didn’t manage to preempt it this last time but my goal is always to jump the gun and use the word “manipulation” before they do.
The times I have managed this have left them completely speechless for a second. I can see them feeling shocked that I knew what they were thinking but it’s so easy. It happens like clockwork. The last time I succeeded in this, the narc in question forged ahead after a breathless pause, and admitted she was manipulating someone. Sure enough, a few weeks later, she came at me with “I sense so much manipulation in you.”
Which in that case, fine. I guess. But I’m not gonna just straight up accuse someone without giving them a chance to prove me wrong, so maybe not. I digress.
I can tell when they’re getting close to telling on themselves because they have subtle tells. Usually, the tells occur in conjunction with them starting to act annoyed with the victim’s existence and around the time future faking begins to give way to that game of making plans and then confusing the target by making up insane stories and then accidentally telling me they did what we had planned after all.... with someone else, not me. It’s so predictable. I don’t even flinch on that one anymore, which annoys them to no end. Sometimes I’ll throw in a, “oh sorry I missed out then. No worries though, I made other plans. Glad you enjoyed yourself.”
And they will do it if you let them. All on their own. We don’t have to react, confront, yell or fight. They will escalate it all on their own until they see a reaction. Makes it so easy to let them makes fools of themselves.
But yeah. Every time, without fail, just after that very first devaluation, they will tell on themselves.... they will tell us what they’re about to do to us, and then they will accuse us of being the ones doing it.
It’s not even that clever and once I’m onto them, I’m basically safe. I’m usually sad, knowing the relationship won’t be what I hoped. But I’m free to let them do all the work themselves, not feed them their precious fuel, and then I’m free to leave before they get to discard me. It doesn’t even have to be mean or nasty on my part..... all I have to do is remind them of their own words and actions and reveal to them that I was aware.
I’m sure you know how much they love that. If scares the crap out of them. And I think of how they’ll feel the next time they target someone, that they will feel that twinge or doubt they try to engender in us, wondering how many of us are catching on and if their game has an expiration date because god forbid they should have to interact with humans on a human level.
Poor little narcissists.
"I'm on team healthy..." I like that. 😊
Bullseye 🎯 everything you said is exactly who he is. I’m so glad I’m getting out of this nightmare.
Josee Noel they should only be so proud to be such demonic snakes in this world. It’s so weird how nothing sticks with them. Mine makes me sick.
@@shelismith5106 You are absolutely gorgeous 🌷🌹🌺,hope you are not with a narc 😈!!
First, I knew the story of Narcissis from school, but had never heard the actual word applied to a person until my therapist called my ex husband one during my horrific 4 1/2 year divorce. He totally cut me off financially and I asked my therapist why he was doing this to me after 45 years of marriage. His answer was " he's a Narcissist! It's not to you but for him! " I remember asking my ex what he thought love was or what it meant to him. Immediately he answered me with a question. " What does it mean to you?" My response was when you care so much for someone, say your kids, that you are willing to give your life to save theirs without even thinking about it ". His response to that was " Well, I guess that I have never really loved anyone then." I didn't know if he were just being cute and smart a$$ with his answer or if he truly meant it. When I realized from his expression that he truly meant it, at least for me, but probably not for our kids I hoped,
I cannot like this video enough. Currently entangled with a Narcissist in our group of friends for 15 years. Every time I’m around that person it takes me a week or more to recover from being around them. The gaslighting and mask they put up is so exhausting. Unfortunately most of my friends cannot see it and others have left the group of friends. I try to avoid the narcissist, but my friends are so entangled with the individual that I either have to give up my friends who I love dearly or deal with the narcissist forever. A terrible place to be.
This is so scary... And I did not put it together. ‘walking on eggshells ‘ made me cry... finally somebody explained that to me. From the bottom of my heart thank you . You brought hope to my life.
So pleased, Agnes...Dr. C
Agnes Maria,You are beautiful 🌹🌹🌷,you don't need a narc 😈 in your life!!
Thank you so much for these videos. They are a constant reminder that leaving a 36 year marriage was the right choice. It helps to hear as I don't get this confirmation anywhere else. After all, Mr Charming has everyone else hoodwinked on what a great guy he is. You guys are a great blessing.
Thank you Dr. Carter! Its now getting easier to detect. One thing comes to mind too: They don't care for your achievements. Their talk circles around theirs. (Maybe this was included) Bless you !
briejoana,You are beautiful 🌹🌹🌺,hope you are not with a narc 😈!!
found myself nodding with each example. One thing I said many times "I have a perfect example of what NOT to do as a parent"
Watching self help videos from professionals’ checklist and u check 90-100% all of it… it creeps me out and sends shiver down my spine!
18 out of 20. And, after 20 years, now I’m traumatized.