It's good, it's a good start. Often other peoples flaws and beauty that we see are obvious, but it's harder to recognize the good and bad within and it's not going to happen overnight. You're with friends :)
Take heart, Hun ! xx Think about ………..the words 'react' ...and 'respond'. Even the sound of those words are emotional therapy !?! We have to be thinking about ...responding...as/when we are attacked or abused. And responding - is not giving the Abuser- what they want. ;)
MY INFOCLA , Sometimes they get to you. I’m getting better at it. I feel better just being me, that means smiling, But, he doesn’t like that. It makes him angry when I smile. So I didn’t know what to do for awhile. So now I just throw the truth at him calmly now. First angry now calmly. He doesn’t like that. But, it puts me in danger at the same time. He wants me to be miserable. I quickly go back to being happy. He will catch on an evolve. Like I did. He knows how to play that game well, I don’t.
It's hard & I think many of us have a tendency to React to narcissistic manipulating behaviors bc they don't like to admit when wrong & not take responsibility for their actions or lack motivation to act upon what they need to do. They just complain & pass blame onto you - especially the weak covert narc'. They like pushing hot buttons to divert away from their errors, or to use as excuses, & never learn to look at themselves, nor consider what they are doing to affects your feelings. Its always all about them!
Angelina WMG Souren , then why can’t I see it? All I see is evil, yelling, grinning, watching me pass out from low sugar. Like he enjoys it. I have no pity for him anymore. Is my husband different? Even now that he is behaving like his mind is going. He is only 55. How does one burns himself out sitting on his ASS? Is it the brain that got burned out? I do see him sad because he failed to control me. That’s when the manipulation starts. I turn my back or just smile like I don’t see it. Because I liked who I am. Not what he tries to make me be. Just his mere presence puts me on guard. My breathing gets more difficult. But, I hide it as much as possible. I forget my medications when he is around until I’m in so much pain I can’t stand it or my sugar is already too high. Why can’t I get ahold of this when he is around me? I live like an animal. Ready to fight for my life. There is no other way to fight. Before I lost my leg and I would be at the wrong place at the wrong time at a concert, I could always hold my own because I fight that way. I first learned it as a child and he made sure it stayed around. Even in my wheelchair when I’m alone I’m packing my loaded 9 mil under my amputated leg. 16 bullets, 15 in a clip and 1 in the chamber. I figured I would need some cover Since my wheelchair isn’t as fast as me. Not to mention I don’t plan on missing. It’s me or them. I have a disabled son to care for. I just don’t see it in my husband beating himself up over hurting his family. Where and when does this happen?
Secure people: 1. Like to hear from others, open 2. Admit flaws 3. Humble with success 4. Emotionally steady 5. Listen 6. Bring out positives in others 7. Authentic 8. Encourage others to be who they are 9. Not entitled Vs. Insecure people are: 1. Critical 2. Name calling, insults 3. Won't receive input 4. Anger, loud or simmering 5. Can't be vulnerable 6. Moods are determined by others 7. Have to have the final word 8. Highly defensive 1. Have you thought about what it is to be secure in these situations? Give it a lot of thought. 2. Can you remain steady and secure under attack? Think of how this must go. 3. Do I understand the difference between shame and guilt? Shame steals your ability to be yourself. She wants to shame you for being you, to attack your core dignity, worth, and character. Guilt is temporary, shame is forever. Really make this distinction. 4. Do you filter sense of security through other people's opinion. Your worth is a given. OBJECTIVITY is key. Narcisists want their subjectivity to overwhelm you. Stay objective. This is such a fantastic video. Thanks so much!!!!!
Made me understand, along with so many videos the past two years or so, just how stable and sane (despite my turbulent personality) I am and just how insecure and shallow a few others are.
I agree. Dr Carter validates my indescribable feelings on the attacks on my psyche during my 8.7 year, I finally set a boundary and ended it, "relationship" with an every 6 months triangulating, gaslighting, projecting covert narcissist.
I'm just 2 weeks into no contact, and still love him but I realize how futile my efforts have been. I listen to these videos that are simply staggering in describing my ex. I now realize why I'll never go back and I'm trying to heal my codepency issues so that in time I will attract healthy men who are genuinely good and capable of being a part of a mutually respectful tful relationship.
Your videos have been a life saver. Not just at the early stages of figuring out what I was dealing with but all through out the process of coming to terms and figuring out what my next steps should be.... I no longer ask the question “why”. Thank you for this valuable service that you provide to us all. Eagerly awaiting your book by mail. Wishing you well
I had a coworker who recently mentioned she really likes the fact I listen to her and not interupt. I honestly never realized I did that and it took me by surprised. Not tooting my horn because i it actually made me smile. I know what it's like to be unheard....it's heartbreaking.
"You can simply see it for what it is." Yes, that's such a good and full sentence. It holds so many layers of truth that you have to find out for yourself first. Detachment is what I aspire.
Yes, it is really sad. The fact of that sadness, the fact that I know that person is insecure, scared, can and has, seriously clouded my own efforts to protect myself.
I remember meeting my husband to be, family. They did nothing but criticize performers on top of the pops. I was young and naive but that was an early warning sign. Something, as simple, as that 🙄
Before we got married my husband talked to his mother on the phone in front of me in a way that no son should, and I thought he won't do that to me. God I was naive...
Also, if and when you decide to leave, remind yourself WHY you left, it will feel easy to possibly miss the narc, but 9 times out of 10, they will have moved on to someone else, they want you to beg on your knees for "forgiveness" or to cave and agree to shoulder the relationship, dont! They have never cared about you and wont, they easily discarded you because they dont care about you, remember why you left, they did what they did because since you left, to them its like you never existed, so they move on really quick, you deserve better, to be happy and safe, to be TRULY loved, not a slave, its not romantic, its abuse, to not be tormented and in misery, take your freedom and embrace it, take back your life, your power and your control
Your videos has helped me heal so much from the horrible abuse my ex put me thru, so glad I left him an got out of that pure hell !!!I believe they are truly evil an demonic ,mine sure was !!!!
The difficulty is, the narcs confusing array of bullshit is rather hard to treat as a rational topic, especially when they deliberately obfuscate it on the fly for the purposes of your demise. It's very easy to be caught up concentrating on their seemingly complex topic, when in fact it's yet another deliberate spin game to leave you bewildered and slip the knife in at your most vulnerable microsecond. Don't think for a minute that they are not expert at this game! One thing has made a huge difference to me, and that is the headspace app - this stuff starts to work automatically after a few months of meditation, it has allowed me time to process without being caught up in the deliberately constructed whirlwind. Mind how you go kiddies, and thank you once again Les.
Dr Carter, you really are an angel. I've been listening to your videos from 4 nights in a row now while I fall asleep exhausted from the day. It has been so clarifying listening to you... I write this lines only to let you know how wonderful your work is. You have helped me see everything so clear. You really mean healing for my life & kids as is. I thank God I found you here! & also, I pray God for you, so blessings and well-being accompany you in every step you take. I deeply and truly thank you. From Caracas Venezuela Im sending you all my greatests wishes with all my heart! ♥️
When that's the only way they communicate IE believing they have the right to "teach" you. And they wholeheartedly resent a "partner" or "spouse" who is capable, experienced and independent. I wish I had spotted his facade earlier 🙂
Wow, I deal with this all the time. I want to discuss things but the narcissists in my life refuse to discuss anything. I have given up expressing myself in their presence. No matter how you express yourself, you're accused of being mean about it. I wish I had recordings in these cases. LOL I have noticed too that these narcissists are continually competitive about everything. I think almost all extended family members are everything you have described as narcissists. I think it is not only an insecurity but also learned behavior. Those who do not act the way these insecure people act are targeted for abuse. The narcissist can't stand that we are different from them. I have removed myself from as many extended family as possible, too much battering can lead us away from our goals and purposes. There is a lot of gossiping and lying to attack the one who does not walk in lock step with everyone else.
So needed this. It helped me to realize that one of my hig problems has been that I've allowed insecure people to be a part of my inner circle. This has caused chaos as well as consistent pulligng out of my own insecueities rather than living from a place of power. My readiness to accept the character of others is great, but i was not exhibiting discretion in keeping those people in the outer circles of my relationships. So needed this clarity. Thank you!
Thanks Doc! I appreciate your help so much! Your videos are like a clean drink of water after a long drought. Athough I'm not sure I'll ever be able to break free from my narc of 35 years. I plan to order your book, and continue to get strength from your videos. I do pray for a life of my own before it's too late. I just long to be me. I did stop believing his opinions of me years ago. But it's still very difficult. The fear he has created in me is very strong, and my support system very weak.
Dr. Carter, you do an exceptional job at taking complex circumstances and braking them down to very digestible bites. So many have endured this type of abuse not understanding it for a long time--or maybe even ever. It only adds to the pain and heartache when you don't understand what is happening or why it is happening so thank you for providing clarity for so many. What would be great is if you could delve more deeply into the more severe types of narcissism--such as the malignant narcissist. While narcissism is narcissism, there are degrees of pathology--some worse than others. Just like cancer is always bad--but stage 4 or terminal cancer is worse than a milder or treatable forms of cancer. In the same way dealing with a narcissistic ex can be managed always with great difficulty, but in other cases, it can be near impossible to coexist with the narcissist on any level such as the ones who steal everything you have, destroy your name and reputation, damage your health, rob you of time with your children when they fight for custody but then ignore the children when they have them, etc. But they don't stop at that point. Even after all that, they quickly align with a new victim etc but still spend inordinate amounts of time trying to sabotage every move of yours and even of the children. The type who couch extremely damaging behavior in false concern. When they exert control over the children in various ways but insist that it is healthy for the kids and being done in with the best intentions. However, all being affected can see the real issues of control and the need for the narc to damage and get away with it. I guess that is the real bottom line for the malignant narcissist. They WANT to damage you. They enjoy the intentional infliction of pain and damage. They love NOTHING more than harming you by using the courts and the mental health profession etc. When they can continue to exert control over you under the guise of loving, caring and being "the responsible one" they are in their glory. To do this, they often convince the world that you are crazy, violent, irresponsible--even if that is the fathers thing from the truth. So there are degrees of pathology even among narcissists. Maybe it steps over into antisocial personalty disorder. But there are many whose ex's live to continue the torture and have zero boundaries to stop them from literally emotionally and spiritually destroying someone. Those who, even years after the divorce, still plot out very elaborate plans to keep harming the spouse who is attempting to escape their clutches. Those who work in earnest to destroy their own children while also working in earnest to erect this shield where it looks like it is all being done to benefit the child etc. Talk about when you are left disabled and destroyed and labeled as crazy and abusive by the ex. There are many times those accusations get taken seriously and the narcissist never stops using them against you. They build "evidence" by repeating the same lies over and over until someone believes them then they use that someone as evidence that the lies are legit. These personalities are much more pathological than the typical narcissist. They don't rest until anyone who escapes them or attempts to escape them is thoroughly demoralized and crushed. And then, even then, they work feverishly to maintain that circumstance. And also speak to the circumstance when the children ultimately begin to see patterns of behavior in the personality disordered parent. When the child begins to react to the gaslighting and the emotionally and psychologically abusive behaviors of the parent. As partners--those behaviors toward us tend to stress our mental health even as we have adult type coping mechanisms. Those behaviors do the same to the children of the personality disordered but the child/children lack the coping mechanisms and understanding that adults can have. Can you elaborate on how the parent validates the child's experience without speaking ill of the personality disordered parent. As we know, speaking ill of the PD parent can be harmful to the child even if it is the truth being spoken. Many would benefit from more in depth discussion of that area because it can be so difficult to validate in ways that don't cause even more harm . It can also be extremely detrimental to the child to ignore or invalidate their experiences. Also, more discussion on how the nonPD parent copes with watching the PD parent inflict the covet abuse onto the child/children. The PD parent, of course, uses the things the nonPD parent loves the most--and that is the children-- to keep hurting the other parent. They oft do this by covertly harming the children knowing full well the nonPD parent will have a very difficult time articulating how the abuse is taking place and the damage it is causing the children. Could you address this damaging situation as so many NonPD parents suffer through this. The child gets damaged while the nonPD parent struggles to help them cope and to cope themselves. All around the narc are people who are damaged and struggling. Meanwhile, the narc sits atop his kingdom being fed by the pain and hurt. This is a real and difficult situation to extract yourself from and many would like this addressed. Thank you.
Good analogy of the different degrees of narcissism and stages of cancer. You've stated some really good points and posed some thoughtful questions too. Your 3rd &4th paragraph are spot on descriptions too.
Veronica Zrnchik , yes, I wish to hear more about this as well. The third paragraph is exactly one of the things my husband still does. When are they a sociopath? He was already diagnosed a pathological liar at 25. What gets me is how quick he can disconnect and say what do you want to watch on tv. Also, after a big fight that left me shaking, he would fall asleep in five minutes. I couldn’t believe it. It was always like that. Sleeping and snoring away so quickly. Nothing bothers him. Unless it happens to him.
alex cider I’m sorry to hear your story. Please don’t stay with this man. You are intelligent enough to realise his faults. He will never improve or change. You deserve a life without angst. X
I need help as well about how to protect my child from developing her fathers narsisistic ways, we are still togather but I'm planning to divorce. For the last 6 years I was in for the sake of my child but now I can see it is damaging to her.
Dr Carter, your messages are so down to earth, calming, rational and healing to me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for explaining the difference between guilt and shame. I know narcissists are that way because of deeply buried shame and that they MUST put that shame onto you to relieve their own burden. I married a narcissist aged 20 and we divorced when i was 55., when he'd pretty much sucked out all he could from my self worth, and he quickly moved on to new supply. What a relief. I've done a lot of study on narcissism since because i fell straight into the arms of an alcoholic sociopath...his narcissism was off the scale and it was the catalyst to start this journey. I feel much like someone who has been beaten within an inch of their life in the emotional sense. Dr Carter you are doing such wonderful work, please be encouraged, your wisdom is like water in the desert and salve to burnt skin.
How did they find your insecurities out? Remember when they were talking to you, and you thought they were interested in you? And they were so easy to talk to? They were collecting data on you to use against you later. Remember that the next time a person is exhibiting the same behavior when they meet you. Now you know.
Call me blondie The narc often chooses a scapegoat to take the brunt of their rage. He has chosen your 10 yr old. Document everything you can for the courts. Get legal help & get you & children away from him before their developing personalities are further affected.
I have to tell you Dr. Carter that before this year, we didn't even know what a narcissist was. We had three in our life and were going crazy trying to deal with them. So much pain and confusion. This Christmas we didn't see them. We have been no contact for many months now. We watch your videos, and I am reading your book. My husband, daughter and I feel like we have found the most amazing peace. Personally I have gone from feeling so overwhelmed with sadness and guilt to feeling like this is all behind me now. I went from being angry, sad, confused and overwhelmed to feeling like I even pity these people to just a lovely sense of calm. We have found that the longer we distance ourselves from the narcissists, the stronger we become. No contact has been a blessing for us. Thank you for these videos xx
My ex is like this, she violated a court order and is in contempt of court and is acting like she isn’t going to get in trouble and like she isn’t doing anything wrong
Thank you so much Dr. Carter. I stumbled onto your videos about a month ago. I spent years angry with myself for getting sucked into the webs of the narcissists around me, not knowing how to deal with them. Not only do you help me deal with the people close to me who have strong narcissistic tendencies, but you are helping me on my own journey of emotional maturity. I am so encouraged and hopeful!!
Folks I never knew it was as it was so complex. Without this knowledge that is desperately needed. The help freely given here by Dr. Carter on this channel. What a selfless act for a man who could make more money probably by using other means. Dr. Carter thank you. I think you to be a great ambassador of hope and represent Texas well. This understanding puts a man in better shape to deal with these issues. I ordered your book,and I have used your boards I have read lots of comments and played some over and over. I thank you and will refrain from filling threads up with this mess about me. God bless
The covert narcissist in my life doesn't say outright "you don't know anything", he uses sighs, eye rolls, the silent treatment, and passive aggressive reactions to polite requests to convey his opinion about my worth.
Hey Dr. Carter what I've noticed to be the remedies of your videos (to stay grounded in your own self and keep hold of your own values and preferences), it sounds a lot like this thing called Self-Differentiation! The act of seperating thoughts from feelings to view a scenario from a logical standpoint as well as utilising your own sense of values and preferences without being swayed by the other person's influence. I'm happy to be a part of this community of awareness, self-betterment and positive self-treatment. Thank you!
My kids and I suffered for last 30 years from my narcissistic alcoholic ex husbands abuse . He still continues his constant abuse while trying to coparent with him.Im praying and hoping for a miracle to wake up from this nightmare he intentionally inflicted into our lives
Dr. Les, I want to thank you for providing the contrast between secure and insecure in this video and healthy and unhealthy, etc. in other videos. It has truly helped me make a distinction especially in my own behavior to be able to decide just what kind of person I want to be and just how I choose to respond. I feel less controlled, less susceptible to other people's games and more able at decision making. Thank you.
you make the best videos on narcissism! it is so refreshing seeing a man talk about vulnerable subjects with such empathy and insight. so grateful! your videos have helped me so much.
Having just been through the attempts at creating holiday drama by the narcissist, this really resonates. Thanks so much for posting it. And -- on a more superficial note -- if the shirt/sweater combination was a Christmas gift, whoever gave it has excellent taste!
@@SurvivingNarcissism LOL! Wonderful. My kids grew up with Mr. Rogers, and they turned out to be really nice people. I think it must have been the cardigans...
I just had to deal with 6plus months of my husband complaining about going away for Christmas with my family and complaining about them of course the whole time we were there. Even our girls can't be bothered going away now due to his behavior. At least he has stopped the standard verbal abuse tirade at me after we leave home in the car. That may be due to the girls telling him to stop now though. I fear that by staying I have damaged them psychologically now rather than trying not to be a broken family. Funny thing is it's so much better when we are away and away from his family.
Something that I experienced was that the person I was in a relationship with always claimed to be an "empath" and they needed to always be around positive energy. During our relationship I suffered a sudden illness and ended up losing my job. During and after my recovery, she began isolating me from many of the things I used to do and activities I was involved in. In hindsight, it was really her way of saying that she needed constant supply. It also showed me how narcissists don't want to deal with difficult situations, they always prefer a child like state of well being. In spite of the "depth" of our relationship, my "negative" energy was bringing her down according to her. What hurt the most was the many nights and days I spent listening to her emotional drama and dealing with her mood swings, and working with her, only to encounter a problem of my own and have her claim that she had given so much and she didn't think our relationship had a future.
Learned, years ago through 7 yrs of counseling, I am an ok person. I've gone full circle. Learning what my man has been doing all these years and what I've lost during that time. Because of these teachings, I've come all the way back around. Boy, do I see what this game is all about & I'm learning how to play it. Yes, I feel stronger & more secure in myself. Thank you for sharing your teachings!
You have literally flicked a light switch on, and I understand now alot of what I've been dealing with from my ex-wife who keeps drawing me back into the chaos of why I left...Thanks and I look forward to all you videos!
This REALLY has the best information in a nutshell about the personalities of the narcissist and those who become “victims”. Thank you Dr Carter. BTW I am reading your book When Pleasing You is Killing Me & it is SO good. So thank you for that too. 👍
These are all so true. It took me a LONG time to figure out that I wasn't the problem. My two of my husband's three sisters treated me like crap! I finally figured out that they were so jealous because I married their brother (who was more of a father figure to them). One sil is particularly meddlesome and never owns her own poor decisions. My husband can't see that and most people see her as nice and helpful. I have realized that these people are often sales people or have to convince others to "buy" who they are My father-in-law is a boss and not a very good one. One sil is also in a bossing type position and the other sells for a MLM, so they have to sell their products and ultimately themselves! My husband can't see how toxic they are and why I don't want to spend time with his family. So shallow. I am so glad I have found myself and not allowing others to bully me anymore. I am, once again, secure in who I am and I am teaaching others to not let others drag them down. Often, it ISN'T ABOUT YOU!
From all my heart - thanks. You are so calm and authentic in your way of conducting the message. Integrity and confidence are surrounding you.... Dr. Carter, be well. We will be too - using your experience and skills! once more....THANKS
I really appreciate the timing of this video. I recently made the decision to cut contact with another sibling after a very unpleasant moment at christmas dinner and the shenanigans he pulled afterwards. My dad makes excuses for him "he's hurt, he's scared, etc" but he's still a narcissist. I used to think the worst of those around me and strike first when I felt I was being mocked or attacked but that was back in highschool. We're all well into our thirties. My sister was the only one who really understood where I was coming from. The whole thing broke my heart because I had hopes to build a rapport with my older male siblings but the problem is that they themselves did not feel the need to change. That desire to change to fit the needs of ppl around me followed. While I no longer was trying to get them to see my worth and stop assaulting me physically and emotionally, I was stuck in that mode. It made me feel like a huge tool. I went and got a bachelors in psych a masters in counseling. While I eventually settled on a career in illustration, I never stopped considering what I had learned and what had made me into who I am, lumps and all. I realized that they had never even considered that. I was still playing that game of "i know whats going on, lets try to recover from that and start over" while they still saw me as whatever they saw me as to rationalize their behavior towards me. I wanted them to see that I didn't deserve to be treated that way but it was a fool's errand. I set myself up for disappointment and it was pretty devastating. One had stolen from me, set up cameras to record me without my knowledge, lied, and laughed it off. The other didn't have so much a grand event as the previous, but reminded me that they're still like they were when we were kids. I had already decided to cut him out of my life, but this video made me feel more secure in my decision. I don't deserve to be someone's punching bag, no matter how much they're hurting.
"On which shelf should I put the ketchup?" Thank you, Dr Carter, for helping people who are in relationships with narcissists. I've been in a romantic relationship with one for 20 plus years. The other day, after we finished lunch and I was putting the condiments away, I caught myself asking: "On which shelf should I put the ketchup?". How sad that they make you question something so basic. You lose your ability to make decisions...
It's so sad that they can be so finicky. I had one guy say he was not allowed to put on his socks in the bedroom, but only sitting on a stool in the bathroom. Geez! BTW, may I suggest you put the ketchup anywhere you like? And when you are questioned, perhaps you could reply: "That's the decision I made." (No further discussion.) Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissism Thank you, Dr Carter, for your reply, and for your input. I'm trying really hard to be more assertive and to stand my grounds. Not an easy task when dealing with a narcissist. The situation regarding the man who is not able to put on his socks wherever he wants is sad, indeed. I would think his spouse has many other rules that he must abide by. I know there are many rules in our household, and whenever a new one is put in place, I'm informed of it, and then I get a lecture on the reason behind said rule. I cannot keep up with all of those rules and often I make "mistakes" in applying them. I then get insulted ("It's not that difficult to remember!" or "Can't you just do it properly?!"). Well, it is difficult to remember, because there's no logic or reason behind it. The narcissists seem to enjoy making your life more complicated than it should be.
I deeply appreciate your videos. They've helped me a lot. As for self-worth, not one iota of my self-worth is wrapped up in the opinions of others. If people like me, great, if not, I don't care. It's not my job to impress anyone.
Dr Carter steps up to the plate...the pitcher winds up and delivers...Carter swings and hits..! Its a deep shot to center field...way back..way back...? Its GONE!! A home run!!! ☝️👴👍 Dr Carter hits it out of the park again. I had this experience with an individual this week that was spot on with your lesson. Thank you for the tools and insights to learn-heal-and grow.👍
Ok, I grew up as a huge Atlanta Braves fan, and I can hear Ernie Johnson (the elder one) make that call on my transistor radio. You made me chuckle big time. Dr. C
WOW!! This information is so helpful. It makes my ex-partner's actions much easier to understand the craziness I was living under. So glad I found you on RUclips!!
As always so informative. You not only present the problem but you offer solutions to help you deal with the problem in a very clear and concise way. Watching and soaking it in from Myrtle Beach.
Bravely I watched this. You are an audible database. Dignity, poise, kindness and a smile are good attributes. Confrontations/reasoning with a N would fail for me. I am not a debater - no desire to be. I'd lose. Be above such behavior. bitsy
Yes, nonetheless/nevertheless are good bridges to somewhere. I wrote an "In Retrospect" letter to the dad, next day, daughter blocked all contact. I must let go and let God! Thanks, Sir. bitsy@@SurvivingNarcissism
Would you mind addressing a future video to dealing with a narcissist who has also been diagnosed with early stages of dementia? Your videos have been a tremendous help to me so far and I thank you for making these available. I'm utilizing some of the phrases you've given and techniques (not arguing, explaining or defending) with some success. I believe adding dementia to the mix complicates things and gives her an additional dagger in her victim arsenal.
As someone who is dealing with a 90 yr old mother who said she has learned a lot in this lifetime but still has lousy communication skills....the older they get the snottier it gets. Thank God I live plenty far away n etc so can stay away. For my own sanity. The cruelty level seems like its on steroids a lot. It's tiresome ignoring the real harsh stuff so I don't call for a month or so. Gets tedious having to go through a lot of extra work to hold a conversation that doesn't end up crappy. It takes preparedness to deal with old narcs. They are still in denial, still lie, still demean and slander their own family and still triangulate. I'd really like to know more but Dr Carter's communication tips were a real boon. He's been a real blessing. I've tried checking out others to some extent but so far haven't found a whole lot of useful regarding geriatric narcissists.
You are literally saving my life. I don’t know how to thank you enough, Dr. Carter. The holidays have always been tough for me, but this one has been so bad I even thought of flying to Texas and scheduling as much time as possible with you over the course of a week. I have a million questions to ask you, but for now I’ll keep it to these two... why does my children’s father only take his narcissism out on my 10-year old daughter and not my 12-year old son? Also, how is it possible that you know exactly, and I mean exactly, how my narcissist acts/reacts, how he treats me and what he says to me? I’m often very confused, and it’s been this way for 24 years. Why am I always so confused? From the bottom of my heart, thank you for any help you can offer.
CallMeBlondie Document the abuse of your 10 year old. Record it somehow on your phone or small recorder. Keep a log or journal of what he does or says. Ask a police detective what you can do. You are the only adult in your child’s life to save him/ her. Keep your children away from the abusive parent as much as possible. It is also traumatic to the older child to witness abuse. Wishing you strength and courage!
My personal theory is that gender plays in, big time. I think that narcissistic fathers often have issues with their mother and with the opposite sex, stirring up past memories and feeling threatened when it comes to relating with women and girls. Narcissistic mothers have issues of insecurity and jealousy of their own daughters that may have nothing to do with the child. Being a girl or woman may be enough to stir things up in the narcissist, which means it’s nothing we have done it can do. Your daughter may be the sweetest, most helpful, quiet and obliging little girl and she’ll still be targeted or scapegoated. It’s not her; it’s them. We can’t always make sense of or make these relationships right. It’s just how it is and will be. I’m sorry…
You can end the confusion you feel. You have been empowered now to know precisely what you and your daughter are dealing with. You write you've had 24 years of this. Is your confusion stemming from your questioning why you are "tolerating" the abuse and/or allowing your daughter to suffer his abuse, too? The "C" word "confusion" needs to be replaced with CONFIDENCE and CERTAINTY. Imagine for a moment, if you feel "confused," what does your daughter feel? Ultimately, the responsibility of your own and your daughter's well being rests with you.
BLONDIE, You been trained by the slap & kiss method. The result of this emotional abuse is to keep you in a state of FOG. Keep watching these videos & God speed on recovery 🥀
The narcissist is a very unique person. You describe this person so well I just realized I was married to one almost 20 years ago. I’m glad I left and now I’m happily single after 20 years. Never re married never dated again. That’s how bad this person was 😖
This video has to be one of the best yet on spotting and remaining calm against narcissist attacks. I am in my "Golden Years" and this advice is PURE GOLD! Love you so much Dr. Wes, you have made a big difference in my coping skills and I am forever grateful.❤
When you learn these indicators Dr. Wes outlines here you can avoid getting sucked in and bamboozled by that narcissist and hopefully avoid that kicked in the gut reaction. Powerful knowledge Dr. Wes Carter! Survivalist Sanctuary!
Thank you, Dr. Carter! Your words echo my experiences and the gut feeling that prevails! Your help is priceless: knowledge is freedom, and you provide the tools, the keys!
Thank you again for letting me know I’m the person who was functioning as a normal and healthy person in the past relationship. I was not insecure I’m just an empathy and sensitive person, but was accused of being negative and insecure by a narcissist and finally lost my Inner peace and balance.
Thank you Dr. Carter for your such a fine videos, after more than 30 yrs of marriage I'm awakening and understanding why more than one time I had wished just die in my sleep, now I think there's hope.....thanks Dr. Carter
I am a Cancer patient and I believe that this Cancer IS indicating me not having stood up For My rights of Me who I am. And Cancer IS only a physical phenomenon about mental and spiritual wrongness on My Life . Yesterday I was told that this someone is not Jeaulous about Me except when You exercise things He Loves while he needs to Be at Work. And I could not believe My Ears. A Cancer patient taking care of Her mental and physical condition IS a Reason to someone to Be Jeaulous about. Oh My Lord. In My Mind I should Be supported and Be Happy not giving up instead.
Hi Sir..Amma.. . You are a guardian angel in the sick room for me .. When I listening to you I feel like my Mother talking to and giving support to me which I lost her when I was a baby. .No words to Express the gratitude I felt towards you..it really helps me to deal with. My covert Narc Husband..I hold on with my patience.. especially during extreme gaslighting. Thank you so much.. educate me more sir.. since I need to survive for my little daughter. Thank you sir..take care..
When i met this covert narc friend ten years ago, there were so many red flags i chose to ignore. I kept making excuses for her. I myself was going through a difficult time and was so keen for a deep abiding friendship. Took me ten years to realise what this was in reality. The devalue phase lasted a whole year, and the discard phase an extra six months, that's when their mask fell off and i cut ties . thank you 🙏🏽
Absolutely needed t here all this im from the uk n have a family member that absolutely fits all the narc traits n has given me some excellent advice n have now walked awat from this individual n av never looked back .....my life since which is only a couple of months ....has bin peaceful fulfilled n i have met some genuine lovely ppl that dont want anything but my company how refreshing how real thank you u have changed my life ....
A phrase you said in one of your other videos helps to secure myself- it’s ‘anchor down’ - when the narcissist storm comes at me, I drop anchor and refuse to be blown into the rocks emotionally. Your help is securing my little boat, and I can almost see the horizon of this thing- thanks 🙏
As a general rule I don't like pop quizzes...but because it's you I will go along because you are definitely not a Narcissist and have my better interest in hand...thanks again Dr C love your work...stay strong in the Lord and the power of His might.
Excellent video and it definitely puts the behaviours of both a narcissist and a healthy person into perspective. We can all behave insecurely at times, but its something else completely when you're dealing with a narcissist.
All of your videos I’ve seen have been helpful, but this one addresses the key problem I have. Thank you so much. I’m definitely going to watch this one again. I’m so glad I found you.
I look like I'm the Narcissist. Constantly thinking and ruminating and talking about me! Turning into him! BUT NO. What differentiates us apart is that I have genuine empathy. GENUINE empathy. Im introspective, and I make huge mistakes. I love people who are real, who are kind, who make mistakes and know. WHO loves a superior know-all, special , non-human??? If they're always right, what are we? Thank-You Dr Carter x
I'm so thankful for your videos! I feel like I can breathe again now that I understand what's been going on with the narcissist in my life. It seems to be easier to deal with since it's someone who is not my husband. Also, a friendship I broke off a couple of years ago....I now realize the person was a narcissist! I'm beginning to feel like a narcissist magnet! lol
The trouble is I saw factors within the 'insecurities ' in myself.. My narc sister and I were bought up by narc parents , though she was the golden one and resulted in being all my parents aimed fir ' clever, career minded, successful in career and someone to boost THIER ego' I however was the sensitive child who fought really hard to be accepted, and seemed I failed . I'll never really know what my negative parents thought of me , they never told you your grand points , only your ( in THIER eyes )your failings . My sister is an egotistical women who loves to belittle where she can , the superiority is sickening. Yet ...though it's taken me 58 years to see it ...I now see her as a jealous individual who really is likely to be very insecure herself! My only route out of their grip ( though my father is passed and mother failing) is BLOCK and WALK ! So, I have , it's an amazing feeling.
Thank you very much, Dr. Carter. Your insight has been so very helpful for my wife and myself as we deal with her 24 year old daughter (my stepdaughter). My wife and I came together more that 5 years ago, and we married in 2017. Since I have known my wife’s daughter, she has been a very hostile and self entitled young lady. She holds a university degree, but refuses to leave our home and find her success and happiness. She lives in our basement and regularly attacks..... mostly her mother. She claims (the stepdaughter) to have anxiety issues, but I see mostly an emotional terrorist who is out to upset our very happy life. So, I pulled the trigger, just before Christmas, and wrote to her father and asked him to have his daughter come and live with him. He agreed. He lives 4 miles from us. This was revived by my stepdaughter with blond aggression and overwhelming hostility. It’s been madness for 2 weeks. Your instructions and videos have been so very helpful to my wife and I. Thank you and we intend to continue watching and supporting you. Thank you from Canada where narcissism is alive and well.
Dr. Carter can you give examples of boundaries and how to keep them so I can have clear understanding,thank you your videos and books helped me! Sending love and peace.
It's really tough realising you are dealing with someone playing pyschological war fare against you and the worst part is you know they are choosing to behave this way. Trying not to feel or react sends your own mental health to breaking point.
"Your worth is not subject to public opinion". This is excellent pragmatic advice, in fact I say this talk in it's entirety is great pragmatic advice; example "guilt has a purpose" and once that purpose is fulfilled guilt is done. Good stuff
This so good! I can relate so much when you said,
"the narcissist shames you for being you."
Quite.
My parents were experts at shaming their children
“I need to establish my own sense of well being” I hate loosing my temper. I hate being drawn in. I need to work on responding not reacting. 😑.
It's good, it's a good start. Often other peoples flaws and beauty that we see are obvious, but it's harder to recognize the good and bad within and it's not going to happen overnight. You're with friends :)
Take heart, Hun ! xx Think about ………..the words 'react' ...and 'respond'. Even the sound of those words are emotional therapy !?! We have to be thinking about ...responding...as/when we are attacked or abused. And responding - is not giving the Abuser- what they want. ;)
MY INFOCLA ,
Sometimes they get to you.
I’m getting better at it.
I feel better just being me, that means smiling,
But, he doesn’t like that. It makes him angry when I smile.
So I didn’t know what to do for awhile.
So now I just throw the truth at him calmly now.
First angry now calmly.
He doesn’t like that.
But, it puts me in danger at the same time.
He wants me to be miserable.
I quickly go back to being happy.
He will catch on an evolve. Like I did.
He knows how to play that game well, I don’t.
It's hard & I think many of us have a tendency to React to narcissistic manipulating behaviors bc they don't like to admit when wrong & not take responsibility for their actions or lack motivation to act upon what they need to do. They just complain & pass blame onto you - especially the weak covert narc'. They like pushing hot buttons to divert away from their errors, or to use as excuses, & never learn to look at themselves, nor consider what they are doing to affects your feelings. Its always all about them!
Dee Johnson-Ewing ,
Dee, what do you mean by the (weak narcissist) ?
Can you tell me what’s the difference?
Guilt says, “I did something bad.”
Shame says, “I am bad.”
Well summarized. Dr. C
Narcissist don’t have guilt or shame. They just stand there and grin at you as you bleed out.
@@cuby1967 Oh, they do. They just themselves much much harsher than we do.
Melodyloveshorses1 ,?????
Angelina WMG Souren , then why can’t I see it? All I see is evil, yelling, grinning, watching me pass out from low sugar. Like he enjoys it.
I have no pity for him anymore. Is my husband different? Even now that he is behaving like his mind is going. He is only 55. How does one burns himself out sitting on his ASS? Is it the brain that got burned out?
I do see him sad because he failed to control me. That’s when the manipulation starts. I turn my back or just smile like I don’t see it. Because I liked who I am.
Not what he tries to make me be. Just his mere presence puts me on guard.
My breathing gets more difficult. But, I hide it as much as possible. I forget my medications when he is around until I’m in so much pain I can’t stand it or my sugar is already too high.
Why can’t I get ahold of this when he is around me?
I live like an animal. Ready to fight for my life. There is no other way to fight. Before I lost my leg and I would be at the wrong place at the wrong time at a concert, I could always hold my own because I fight that way. I first learned it as a child and he made sure it stayed around. Even in my wheelchair when I’m alone I’m packing my loaded 9 mil under my amputated leg.
16 bullets, 15 in a clip and 1 in the chamber. I figured I would need some cover Since my wheelchair isn’t as fast as me. Not to mention I don’t plan on missing. It’s me or them. I have a disabled son to care for. I just don’t see it in my husband beating himself up over hurting his family. Where and when does this happen?
Secure people:
1. Like to hear from others, open
2. Admit flaws
3. Humble with success
4. Emotionally steady
5. Listen
6. Bring out positives in others
7. Authentic
8. Encourage others to be who they are
9. Not entitled
Vs.
Insecure people are:
1. Critical
2. Name calling, insults
3. Won't receive input
4. Anger, loud or simmering
5. Can't be vulnerable
6. Moods are determined by others
7. Have to have the final word
8. Highly defensive
1. Have you thought about what it is to be secure in these situations? Give it a lot of thought.
2. Can you remain steady and secure under attack? Think of how this must go.
3. Do I understand the difference between shame and guilt? Shame steals your ability to be yourself. She wants to shame you for being you, to attack your core dignity, worth, and character. Guilt is temporary, shame is forever. Really make this distinction.
4. Do you filter sense of security through other people's opinion. Your worth is a given.
OBJECTIVITY is key.
Narcisists want their subjectivity to overwhelm you. Stay objective.
This is such a fantastic video. Thanks so much!!!!!
I misunderstood, shame. Thought narcs felt shame...then I thought, that can't be right! So, they want their victims to feel shame? Now, I understand..
Boomerang Communication 🪃 I think I got it!
This made me realize how much I have to lift his ego up with. There is no talking constructive criticism.
Made me understand, along with so many videos the past two years or so, just how stable and sane (despite my turbulent personality) I am and just how insecure and shallow a few others are.
Proverbs 23:9 KJV
Speak not in the ears of a fool: for he will despise the wisdom of thy words.
Narcissists are very jealous
There are quite a few other proverbs that parallel that
Mike . ME NEITHER .. And me too ! It's extremely wise .
I will learn those words of wisdom... Thank you for giving the opportunity.
AMEN!!!!!!!
What’s funny is that I feel guilty at times about not being in love with the narcissist in my life anymore. Thank you for this lesson.
No reason for that. We have the right to choose who we love in a romantic way or not.
Thank you Dr. Carter. I feel lucky to have found you
Amen!❤
I agree. Dr Carter validates my indescribable feelings on the attacks on my psyche during my 8.7 year, I finally set a boundary and ended it, "relationship" with an every 6 months triangulating, gaslighting, projecting covert narcissist.
I'm just 2 weeks into no contact, and still love him but I realize how futile my efforts have been. I listen to these videos that are simply staggering in describing my ex. I now realize why I'll never go back and I'm trying to heal my codepency issues so that in time I will attract healthy men who are genuinely good and capable of being a part of a mutually respectful tful relationship.
Me too!!!!!
Me too!!
"Guilt leads to restoration." Thank you for your heartening words, Dr. C. Your videos help to get objectivity.
I don’t know how each video keeps getting better & better!! You bring such clarity to me!!!
No kidding! :) I'm do grateful to receive this *real* guidance and *true* direction.
Your videos have been a life saver. Not just at the early stages of figuring out what I was dealing with but all through out the process of coming to terms and figuring out what my next steps should be.... I no longer ask the question “why”. Thank you for this valuable service that you provide to us all. Eagerly awaiting your book by mail.
Wishing you well
Tori S 1,000 percent this is how i feel
I had a coworker who recently mentioned she really likes the fact I listen to her and not interupt. I honestly never realized I did that and it took me by surprised. Not tooting my horn because i it actually made me smile. I know what it's like to be unheard....it's heartbreaking.
Yes...be the healthy alternative! Dr. C
Secure people are emotionally steady👋🏽❤️
My worth, value, and dignity are not subject to public opinion polls. I love that. Thanks for your videos! So glad I found this channel.
I'm glad you found us too. Dr. C
Quote of the day: Nobody sees the provocation until the retaliation starts.
Good one! Dr. C
Very well put!
So true! Thanks for sharing!
I know, that is so true.
where did you read this? Food for thought.
I know now that my value as a human being is tied to my role as an Imager of Almighty God. No one and nothing can take that from me.
I'm with you on that. Dr. C
Nope - NOBODY can :D
You go me too.
Thank GOd we found out...pray for the ones who don't know.
Amen. I thank the Lord for that.
"You can simply see it for what it is."
Yes, that's such a good and full sentence. It holds so many layers of truth that you have to find out for yourself first. Detachment is what I aspire.
gill426, Ditto here! Happy New Year!!!!
gill426 ~
Once you finally "see"
You cannot UNsee!
Their appearance of self confidence is part of their false mask. Very sad actually. 😩
es! Dr. C
Yes, it is really sad. The fact of that sadness, the fact that I know that person is insecure, scared, can and has, seriously clouded my own efforts to protect myself.
I remember meeting my husband to be, family. They did nothing but criticize performers on top of the pops. I was young and naive but that was an early warning sign. Something, as simple, as that 🙄
When they criticize others, eventually you begin to realize...I'm on that list too. Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissism My son has unfortunately learned this behaviour from the narcissist he's with, he was never like that before...
Of course, he criticises others, not the narc himself, he wouldn't dare, he's always very admiring of everything he does!
Before we got married my husband talked to his mother on the phone in front of me in a way that no son should, and I thought he won't do that to me. God I was naive...
Also, if and when you decide to leave, remind yourself WHY you left, it will feel easy to possibly miss the narc, but 9 times out of 10, they will have moved on to someone else, they want you to beg on your knees for "forgiveness" or to cave and agree to shoulder the relationship, dont! They have never cared about you and wont, they easily discarded you because they dont care about you, remember why you left, they did what they did because since you left, to them its like you never existed, so they move on really quick, you deserve better, to be happy and safe, to be TRULY loved, not a slave, its not romantic, its abuse, to not be tormented and in misery, take your freedom and embrace it, take back your life, your power and your control
Your videos has helped me heal so much from the horrible abuse my ex put me thru, so glad I left him an got out of that pure hell !!!I believe they are truly evil an demonic ,mine sure was !!!!
Glad you are healing
The difficulty is, the narcs confusing array of bullshit is rather hard to treat as a rational topic, especially when they deliberately obfuscate it on the fly for the purposes of your demise. It's very easy to be caught up concentrating on their seemingly complex topic, when in fact it's yet another deliberate spin game to leave you bewildered and slip the knife in at your most vulnerable microsecond. Don't think for a minute that they are not expert at this game! One thing has made a huge difference to me, and that is the headspace app - this stuff starts to work automatically after a few months of meditation, it has allowed me time to process without being caught up in the deliberately constructed whirlwind. Mind how you go kiddies, and thank you once again Les.
Thank you for molding healthy individuals in our society. God bless you Dr. Carter.
You are simply the best! You are a blessing to our world and society!
Dr Carter, you really are an angel. I've been listening to your videos from 4 nights in a row now while I fall asleep exhausted from the day. It has been so clarifying listening to you... I write this lines only to let you know how wonderful your work is. You have helped me see everything so clear. You really mean healing for my life & kids as is. I thank God I found you here! & also, I pray God for you, so blessings and well-being accompany you in every step you take. I deeply and truly thank you. From Caracas Venezuela Im sending you all my greatests wishes with all my heart! ♥️
Received with much gratitude! Dr. C
When that's the only way they communicate IE believing they have the right to "teach" you.
And they wholeheartedly resent a "partner" or "spouse" who is capable, experienced and independent.
I wish I had spotted his facade earlier 🙂
Wow, I deal with this all the time. I want to discuss things but the narcissists in my life refuse to discuss anything. I have given up expressing myself in their presence. No matter how you express yourself, you're accused of being mean about it. I wish I had recordings in these cases. LOL I have noticed too that these narcissists are continually competitive about everything. I think almost all extended family members are everything you have described as narcissists. I think it is not only an insecurity but also learned behavior. Those who do not act the way these insecure people act are targeted for abuse. The narcissist can't stand that we are different from them. I have removed myself from as many extended family as possible, too much battering can lead us away from our goals and purposes. There is a lot of gossiping and lying to attack the one who does not walk in lock step with everyone else.
So needed this. It helped me to realize that one of my hig problems has been that I've allowed insecure people to be a part of my inner circle. This has caused chaos as well as consistent pulligng out of my own insecueities rather than living from a place of power. My readiness to accept the character of others is great, but i was not exhibiting discretion in keeping those people in the outer circles of my relationships. So needed this clarity. Thank you!
i am secure enough to be insecure !
Thanks Doc! I appreciate your help so much! Your videos are like a clean drink of water after a long drought.
Athough I'm not sure I'll ever be able to break free from my narc of 35 years. I plan to order your book, and continue to get strength from your videos. I do pray for a life of my own before it's too late. I just long to be me. I did stop believing his opinions of me years ago. But it's still very difficult. The fear he has created in me is very strong, and my support system very weak.
Dr. Carter, you do an exceptional job at taking complex circumstances and braking them down to very digestible bites. So many have endured this type of abuse not understanding it for a long time--or maybe even ever. It only adds to the pain and heartache when you don't understand what is happening or why it is happening so thank you for providing clarity for so many.
What would be great is if you could delve more deeply into the more severe types of narcissism--such as the malignant narcissist. While narcissism is narcissism, there are degrees of pathology--some worse than others. Just like cancer is always bad--but stage 4 or terminal cancer is worse than a milder or treatable forms of cancer.
In the same way dealing with a narcissistic ex can be managed always with great difficulty, but in other cases, it can be near impossible to coexist with the narcissist on any level such as the ones who steal everything you have, destroy your name and reputation, damage your health, rob you of time with your children when they fight for custody but then ignore the children when they have them, etc. But they don't stop at that point. Even after all that, they quickly align with a new victim etc but still spend inordinate amounts of time trying to sabotage every move of yours and even of the children.
The type who couch extremely damaging behavior in false concern. When they exert control over the children in various ways but insist that it is healthy for the kids and being done in with the best intentions. However, all being affected can see the real issues of control and the need for the narc to damage and get away with it.
I guess that is the real bottom line for the malignant narcissist. They WANT to damage you. They enjoy the intentional infliction of pain and damage. They love NOTHING more than harming you by using the courts and the mental health profession etc. When they can continue to exert control over you under the guise of loving, caring and being "the responsible one" they are in their glory. To do this, they often convince the world that you are crazy, violent, irresponsible--even if that is the fathers thing from the truth.
So there are degrees of pathology even among narcissists. Maybe it steps over into antisocial personalty disorder. But there are many whose ex's live to continue the torture and have zero boundaries to stop them from literally emotionally and spiritually destroying someone. Those who, even years after the divorce, still plot out very elaborate plans to keep harming the spouse who is attempting to escape their clutches. Those who work in earnest to destroy their own children while also working in earnest to erect this shield where it looks like it is all being done to benefit the child etc.
Talk about when you are left disabled and destroyed and labeled as crazy and abusive by the ex. There are many times those accusations get taken seriously and the narcissist never stops using them against you. They build "evidence" by repeating the same lies over and over until someone believes them then they use that someone as evidence that the lies are legit. These personalities are much more pathological than the typical narcissist. They don't rest until anyone who escapes them or attempts to escape them is thoroughly demoralized and crushed. And then, even then, they work feverishly to maintain that circumstance.
And also speak to the circumstance when the children ultimately begin to see patterns of behavior in the personality disordered parent. When the child begins to react to the gaslighting and the emotionally and psychologically abusive behaviors of the parent. As partners--those behaviors toward us tend to stress our mental health even as we have adult type coping mechanisms. Those behaviors do the same to the children of the personality disordered but the child/children lack the coping mechanisms and understanding that adults can have. Can you elaborate on how the parent validates the child's experience without speaking ill of the personality disordered parent. As we know, speaking ill of the PD parent can be harmful to the child even if it is the truth being spoken. Many would benefit from more in depth discussion of that area because it can be so difficult to validate in ways that don't cause even more harm . It can also be extremely detrimental to the child to ignore or invalidate their experiences.
Also, more discussion on how the nonPD parent copes with watching the PD parent inflict the covet abuse onto the child/children. The PD parent, of course, uses the things the nonPD parent loves the most--and that is the children-- to keep hurting the other parent. They oft do this by covertly harming the children knowing full well the nonPD parent will have a very difficult time articulating how the abuse is taking place and the damage it is causing the children. Could you address this damaging situation as so many NonPD parents suffer through this. The child gets damaged while the nonPD parent struggles to help them cope and to cope themselves.
All around the narc are people who are damaged and struggling. Meanwhile, the narc sits atop his kingdom being fed by the pain and hurt. This is a real and difficult situation to extract yourself from and many would like this addressed. Thank you.
Good analogy of the different degrees of narcissism and stages of cancer. You've stated some really good points and posed some thoughtful questions too. Your 3rd &4th paragraph are spot on descriptions too.
Veronica Zrnchik , yes, I wish to hear more about this as well. The third paragraph is exactly one of the things my husband still does.
When are they a sociopath? He was already diagnosed a pathological liar at 25.
What gets me is how quick he can disconnect and say what do you want to watch on tv.
Also, after a big fight that left me shaking, he would fall asleep in five minutes.
I couldn’t believe it. It was always like that. Sleeping and snoring away so quickly. Nothing bothers him.
Unless it happens to him.
alex cider I’m sorry to hear your story. Please don’t stay with this man. You are intelligent enough to realise his faults. He will never improve or change. You deserve a life without angst. X
I need help as well about how to protect my child from developing her fathers narsisistic ways, we are still togather but I'm planning to divorce. For the last 6 years I was in for the sake of my child but now I can see it is damaging to her.
Dr Carter, your messages are so down to earth, calming, rational and healing to me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for explaining the difference between guilt and shame. I know narcissists are that way because of deeply buried shame and that they MUST put that shame onto you to relieve their own burden. I married a narcissist aged 20 and we divorced when i was 55., when he'd pretty much sucked out all he could from my self worth, and he quickly moved on to new supply. What a relief. I've done a lot of study on narcissism since because i fell straight into the arms of an alcoholic sociopath...his narcissism was off the scale and it was the catalyst to start this journey. I feel much like someone who has been beaten within an inch of their life in the emotional sense. Dr Carter you are doing such wonderful work, please be encouraged, your wisdom is like water in the desert and salve to burnt skin.
Many thanks, and yes, you encourage me! Dr. C
How did they find your insecurities out? Remember when they were talking to you, and you thought they were interested in you? And they were so easy to talk to? They were collecting data on you to use against you later. Remember that the next time a person is exhibiting the same behavior when they meet you. Now you know.
I would love to see a video on building your inner security stronger!
Call me blondie
The narc often chooses a scapegoat to take the brunt of their rage. He has chosen your 10 yr old. Document everything you can for the courts. Get legal help & get you & children away from him before their developing personalities are further affected.
I have to tell you Dr. Carter that before this year, we didn't even know what a narcissist was. We had three in our life and were going crazy trying to deal with them. So much pain and confusion. This Christmas we didn't see them. We have been no contact for many months now. We watch your videos, and I am reading your book. My husband, daughter and I feel like we have found the most amazing peace. Personally I have gone from feeling so overwhelmed with sadness and guilt to feeling like this is all behind me now. I went from being angry, sad, confused and overwhelmed to feeling like I even pity these people to just a lovely sense of calm. We have found that the longer we distance ourselves from the narcissists, the stronger we become. No contact has been a blessing for us. Thank you for these videos xx
Wow! So much in one year. I'm honored to be a part of the adjustments. Dr. C
My ex is like this, she violated a court order and is in contempt of court and is acting like she isn’t going to get in trouble and like she isn’t doing anything wrong
Thank you so much Dr. Carter. I stumbled onto your videos about a month ago. I spent years angry with myself for getting sucked into the webs of the narcissists around me, not knowing how to deal with them. Not only do you help me deal with the people close to me who have strong narcissistic tendencies, but you are helping me on my own journey of emotional maturity. I am so encouraged and hopeful!!
So pleased. That's why we are here. Dr. C
Thank you. I literally can now stop and remember that I can turn to your videos for help while in the throws of attack. Life giving....
Thanks Dr C. You are helping me to see the narcs in my life for what they really are.
Folks I never knew it was as it was so complex. Without this knowledge that is desperately needed. The help freely given here by Dr. Carter on this channel. What a selfless act for a man who could make more money probably by using other means. Dr. Carter thank you. I think you to be a great ambassador of hope and represent Texas well. This understanding puts a man in better shape to deal with these issues. I ordered your book,and I have used your boards I have read lots of comments and played some over and over. I thank you and will refrain from filling threads up with this mess about me. God bless
Thank you so much. Dr. C
The covert narcissist in my life doesn't say outright "you don't know anything", he uses sighs, eye rolls, the silent treatment, and passive aggressive reactions to polite requests to convey his opinion about my worth.
Hey Dr. Carter what I've noticed to be the remedies of your videos (to stay grounded in your own self and keep hold of your own values and preferences), it sounds a lot like this thing called Self-Differentiation! The act of seperating thoughts from feelings to view a scenario from a logical standpoint as well as utilising your own sense of values and preferences without being swayed by the other person's influence. I'm happy to be a part of this community of awareness, self-betterment and positive self-treatment. Thank you!
That's exactly what I am saying. Thanks for these good comments. Dr. C
My kids and I suffered for last 30 years from my narcissistic alcoholic ex husbands abuse . He still continues his constant abuse while trying to coparent with him.Im praying and hoping for a miracle to wake up from this nightmare he intentionally inflicted into our lives
What a nice gift to have found you even though I wish I had 17 years ago but your videos confirm I did very well all by my self. Thank you for that
Dr. Les, I want to thank you for providing the contrast between secure and insecure in this video and healthy and unhealthy, etc. in other videos. It has truly helped me make a distinction especially in my own behavior to be able to decide just what kind of person I want to be and just how I choose to respond. I feel less controlled, less susceptible to other people's games and more able at decision making. Thank you.
you make the best videos on narcissism! it is so refreshing seeing a man talk about vulnerable subjects with such empathy and insight. so grateful! your videos have helped me so much.
Very pleased for this feedback. Thank you.
You have been a lifesaver for me. It’s amazing how I feel so validated now and I don’t feel like I’m the crazy one
Having just been through the attempts at creating holiday drama by the narcissist, this really resonates. Thanks so much for posting it. And -- on a more superficial note -- if the shirt/sweater combination was a Christmas gift, whoever gave it has excellent taste!
Thanks. I'm a Mr. Rogers, cardigan sweater kind of guy anyway. Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissism LOL! Wonderful. My kids grew up with Mr. Rogers, and they turned out to be really nice people. I think it must have been the cardigans...
I just had to deal with 6plus months of my husband complaining about going away for Christmas with my family and complaining about them of course the whole time we were there. Even our girls can't be bothered going away now due to his behavior. At least he has stopped the standard verbal abuse tirade at me after we leave home in the car. That may be due to the girls telling him to stop now though.
I fear that by staying I have damaged them psychologically now rather than trying not to be a broken family. Funny thing is it's so much better when we are away and away from his family.
My objectivity is solid. I accept all of myself. Thanks for all your ideas, Dr. Carter
I am more at peace and turning less to booze to take the edge off some of the pain. Thank you.
I need to listen to this segment again. Shame and guilt has been a driving force in my life.
Dr. C
Thank you for helping me understand
You have taught me a great deal
I am indebted
I am grateful
Thank you
Thank you. Dr. C
You are the best!! You have helped me so much!!
Something that I experienced was that the person I was in a relationship with always claimed to be an "empath" and they needed to always be around positive energy. During our relationship I suffered a sudden illness and ended up losing my job. During and after my recovery, she began isolating me from many of the things I used to do and activities I was involved in. In hindsight, it was really her way of saying that she needed constant supply. It also showed me how narcissists don't want to deal with difficult situations, they always prefer a child like state of well being. In spite of the "depth" of our relationship, my "negative" energy was bringing her down according to her. What hurt the most was the many nights and days I spent listening to her emotional drama and dealing with her mood swings, and working with her, only to encounter a problem of my own and have her claim that she had given so much and she didn't think our relationship had a future.
I'm going through this exact thing now!
Their problems are always your problems but your problems are always your own.
Thank you for your time and all the information you share with us on this channel. I am very grateful for your RUclips channel
Learned, years ago through 7 yrs of counseling, I am an ok person. I've gone full circle. Learning what my man has been doing all these years and what I've lost during that time. Because of these teachings, I've come all the way back around. Boy, do I see what this game is all about & I'm learning how to play it. Yes, I feel stronger & more secure in myself. Thank you for sharing your teachings!
You have literally flicked a light switch on, and I understand now alot of what I've been dealing with from my ex-wife who keeps drawing me back into the chaos of why I left...Thanks and I look forward to all you videos!
Excellent! Dr. C
Very true but when dealing with a Narcissist it's not worth the time and trouble to listen to the Narcissist.😊👍 👍
This REALLY has the best information in a nutshell about the personalities of the narcissist and those who become “victims”. Thank you Dr Carter. BTW I am reading your book When Pleasing You is Killing Me & it is SO good. So thank you for that too. 👍
Thanks Lynda. Very pleased! Dr. C
These are all so true. It took me a LONG time to figure out that I wasn't the problem. My two of my husband's three sisters treated me like crap! I finally figured out that they were so jealous because I married their brother (who was more of a father figure to them). One sil is particularly meddlesome and never owns her own poor decisions. My husband can't see that and most people see her as nice and helpful. I have realized that these people are often sales people or have to convince others to "buy" who they are My father-in-law is a boss and not a very good one. One sil is also in a bossing type position and the other sells for a MLM, so they have to sell their products and ultimately themselves! My husband can't see how toxic they are and why I don't want to spend time with his family. So shallow. I am so glad I have found myself and not allowing others to bully me anymore. I am, once again, secure in who I am and I am teaaching others to not let others drag them down. Often, it ISN'T ABOUT YOU!
From all my heart - thanks. You are so calm and authentic in your way of conducting the message. Integrity and confidence are surrounding you.... Dr. Carter, be well. We will be too - using your experience and skills! once more....THANKS
Very kind of you. Thanks. Dr. C
I really appreciate the timing of this video. I recently made the decision to cut contact with another sibling after a very unpleasant moment at christmas dinner and the shenanigans he pulled afterwards. My dad makes excuses for him "he's hurt, he's scared, etc" but he's still a narcissist. I used to think the worst of those around me and strike first when I felt I was being mocked or attacked but that was back in highschool. We're all well into our thirties. My sister was the only one who really understood where I was coming from. The whole thing broke my heart because I had hopes to build a rapport with my older male siblings but the problem is that they themselves did not feel the need to change.
That desire to change to fit the needs of ppl around me followed. While I no longer was trying to get them to see my worth and stop assaulting me physically and emotionally, I was stuck in that mode. It made me feel like a huge tool. I went and got a bachelors in psych a masters in counseling. While I eventually settled on a career in illustration, I never stopped considering what I had learned and what had made me into who I am, lumps and all. I realized that they had never even considered that. I was still playing that game of "i know whats going on, lets try to recover from that and start over" while they still saw me as whatever they saw me as to rationalize their behavior towards me. I wanted them to see that I didn't deserve to be treated that way but it was a fool's errand. I set myself up for disappointment and it was pretty devastating. One had stolen from me, set up cameras to record me without my knowledge, lied, and laughed it off. The other didn't have so much a grand event as the previous, but reminded me that they're still like they were when we were kids.
I had already decided to cut him out of my life, but this video made me feel more secure in my decision. I don't deserve to be someone's punching bag, no matter how much they're hurting.
"On which shelf should I put the ketchup?"
Thank you, Dr Carter, for helping people who are in relationships with narcissists. I've been in a romantic relationship with one for 20 plus years. The other day, after we finished lunch and I was putting the condiments away, I caught myself asking: "On which shelf should I put the ketchup?". How sad that they make you question something so basic. You lose your ability to make decisions...
It's so sad that they can be so finicky. I had one guy say he was not allowed to put on his socks in the bedroom, but only sitting on a stool in the bathroom. Geez! BTW, may I suggest you put the ketchup anywhere you like? And when you are questioned, perhaps you could reply: "That's the decision I made." (No further discussion.) Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissism Thank you, Dr Carter, for your reply, and for your input. I'm trying really hard to be more assertive and to stand my grounds. Not an easy task when dealing with a narcissist. The situation regarding the man who is not able to put on his socks wherever he wants is sad, indeed. I would think his spouse has many other rules that he must abide by. I know there are many rules in our household, and whenever a new one is put in place, I'm informed of it, and then I get a lecture on the reason behind said rule. I cannot keep up with all of those rules and often I make "mistakes" in applying them. I then get insulted ("It's not that difficult to remember!" or "Can't you just do it properly?!"). Well, it is difficult to remember, because there's no logic or reason behind it. The narcissists seem to enjoy making your life more complicated than it should be.
Thank you so much for this good message. Now I know the difference between guilt and shame
This is the best thing I could have heard tonight... Thank you! I see it for what it is and whew, I feel better about me...
I deeply appreciate your videos. They've helped me a lot. As for self-worth, not one iota of my self-worth is wrapped up in the opinions of others. If people like me, great, if not, I don't care. It's not my job to impress anyone.
You're such a wise man. Thanks for helping so many people Dr. C.
You're quite welcome.
Spot on. Thank you for this, and I really, really hope you create audiobooks one day! It's always very calming to hear you talk us through this mess.
Dr Carter steps up to the plate...the pitcher winds up and delivers...Carter swings and hits..! Its a deep shot to center field...way back..way back...? Its GONE!! A home run!!! ☝️👴👍
Dr Carter hits it out of the park again. I had this experience with an individual this week that was spot on with your lesson. Thank you for the tools and insights to learn-heal-and grow.👍
Ok, I grew up as a huge Atlanta Braves fan, and I can hear Ernie Johnson (the elder one) make that call on my transistor radio. You made me chuckle big time. Dr. C
WOW!! This information is so helpful. It makes my ex-partner's actions much easier to understand the craziness I was living under. So glad I found you on RUclips!!
As always so informative. You not only present the problem but you offer solutions to help you deal with the problem in a very clear and concise way. Watching and soaking it in from Myrtle Beach.
Bravely I watched this. You are an audible database. Dignity, poise, kindness and a smile are good attributes. Confrontations/reasoning with a N would fail for me. I am not a debater - no desire to be. I'd lose. Be above such behavior. bitsy
The good news, Bitsy, is that you don't have to be a good debater. A good phrase to memorize is, "nonetheless, that's what I think." Dr. C
Yes, nonetheless/nevertheless are good bridges to somewhere. I wrote an "In Retrospect" letter to the dad, next day, daughter blocked all contact. I must let go and let God! Thanks, Sir. bitsy@@SurvivingNarcissism
So true, so clear, so informative and soooo helpful. Thank you, Dr Carter ☀️
Would you mind addressing a future video to dealing with a narcissist who has also been diagnosed with early stages of dementia? Your videos have been a tremendous help to me so far and I thank you for making these available. I'm utilizing some of the phrases you've given and techniques (not arguing, explaining or defending) with some success. I believe adding dementia to the mix complicates things and gives her an additional dagger in her victim arsenal.
Serenity Zander YES! PLEASE!
A third ‘yes please’ from me!
Me too.
That would be hugely helpful; I expect to be dealing with that and my elderly narcissistic father
As someone who is dealing with a 90 yr old mother who said she has learned a lot in this lifetime but still has lousy communication skills....the older they get the snottier it gets. Thank God I live plenty far away n etc so can stay away. For my own sanity. The cruelty level seems like its on steroids a lot. It's tiresome ignoring the real harsh stuff so I don't call for a month or so. Gets tedious having to go through a lot of extra work to hold a conversation that doesn't end up crappy. It takes preparedness to deal with old narcs. They are still in denial, still lie, still demean and slander their own family and still triangulate. I'd really like to know more but Dr Carter's communication tips were a real boon. He's been a real blessing. I've tried checking out others to some extent but so far haven't found a whole lot of useful regarding geriatric narcissists.
You are literally saving my life. I don’t know how to thank you enough, Dr. Carter. The holidays have always been tough for me, but this one has been so bad I even thought of flying to Texas and scheduling as much time as possible with you over the course of a week. I have a million questions to ask you, but for now I’ll keep it to these two... why does my children’s father only take his narcissism out on my 10-year old daughter and not my 12-year old son? Also, how is it possible that you know exactly, and I mean exactly, how my narcissist acts/reacts, how he treats me and what he says to me? I’m often very confused, and it’s been this way for 24 years. Why am I always so confused? From the bottom of my heart, thank you for any help you can offer.
CallMeBlondie
Document the abuse of your 10 year old. Record it somehow on your phone or small recorder. Keep a log or journal of what he does or says. Ask a police detective what you can do. You are the only adult in your child’s life to save him/ her. Keep your children away from the abusive parent as much as possible. It is also traumatic to the older child to witness abuse. Wishing you strength and courage!
My personal theory is that gender plays in, big time. I think that narcissistic fathers often have issues with their mother and with the opposite sex, stirring up past memories and feeling threatened when it comes to relating with women and girls. Narcissistic mothers have issues of insecurity and jealousy of their own daughters that may have nothing to do with the child. Being a girl or woman may be enough to stir things up in the narcissist, which means it’s nothing we have done it can do. Your daughter may be the sweetest, most helpful, quiet and obliging little girl and she’ll still be targeted or scapegoated. It’s not her; it’s them. We can’t always make sense of or make these relationships right. It’s just how it is and will be. I’m sorry…
You can end the confusion you feel. You have been empowered now to know precisely what you and your daughter are dealing with. You write you've had 24 years of this. Is your confusion stemming from your questioning why you are "tolerating" the abuse and/or allowing your daughter to suffer his abuse, too?
The "C" word "confusion" needs to be replaced with CONFIDENCE and CERTAINTY. Imagine for a moment, if you feel "confused," what does your daughter feel? Ultimately, the responsibility of your own and your daughter's well being rests with you.
BLONDIE, You been trained by the slap & kiss method. The result of this emotional abuse is to keep you in a state of FOG. Keep watching these videos & God speed on recovery 🥀
CallMeBlonde,
FOG
F Fear
O Obligation
G Guilt
The narcissist is a very unique person. You describe this person so well I just realized I was married to one almost 20 years ago. I’m glad I left and now I’m happily single after 20 years. Never re married never dated again. That’s how bad this person was 😖
With good core values and inner security, no one can pull your strings, making you 'their puppet'.
Yep! Dr. C
This video has to be one of the best yet on spotting and remaining calm against narcissist attacks. I am in my "Golden Years" and this advice is PURE GOLD! Love you so much Dr. Wes, you have made a big difference in my coping skills and I am forever grateful.❤
When you learn these indicators Dr. Wes outlines here you can avoid getting sucked in and bamboozled by that narcissist and hopefully avoid that kicked in the gut reaction. Powerful knowledge Dr. Wes Carter!
Survivalist Sanctuary!
Thank you, Dr. Carter! Your words echo my experiences and the gut feeling that prevails! Your help is priceless: knowledge is freedom, and you provide the tools, the keys!
Thank you again for letting me know I’m the person who was functioning as a normal and healthy person in the past relationship. I was not insecure I’m just an empathy and sensitive person, but was accused of being negative and insecure by a narcissist and finally lost my Inner peace and balance.
Thank you Dr. Carter for your such a fine videos, after more than 30 yrs of marriage I'm awakening and understanding why more than one time I had wished just die in my sleep, now I think there's hope.....thanks Dr. Carter
You are not alone..been there and I am still in it but with prayer and learning about what I have been living with it has made me a stronger person..
@@kathleenscaouette5304 thank u
I’m so thankful I found you on RUclips,my eyes have been opened to the truth about narcissism. And have left the narc in my life.
I'm glad you found us too! Dr. C
I am a Cancer patient and I believe that this Cancer IS indicating me not having stood up For My rights of Me who I am. And Cancer IS only a physical phenomenon about mental and spiritual wrongness on My Life . Yesterday I was told that this someone is not Jeaulous about Me except when You exercise things He Loves while he needs to Be at Work. And I could not believe My Ears. A Cancer patient taking care of Her mental and physical condition IS a Reason to someone to Be Jeaulous about. Oh My Lord. In My Mind I should Be supported and Be Happy not giving up instead.
Hi Sir..Amma.. . You are a guardian angel in the sick room for me .. When I listening to you I feel like my Mother talking to and giving support to me which I lost her when I was a baby. .No words to Express the gratitude I felt towards you..it really helps me to deal with. My covert Narc Husband..I hold on with my patience.. especially during extreme gaslighting. Thank you so much.. educate me more sir.. since I need to survive for my little daughter. Thank you sir..take care..
When i met this covert narc friend ten years ago, there were so many red flags i chose to ignore. I kept making excuses for her. I myself was going through a difficult time and was so keen for a deep abiding friendship. Took me ten years to realise what this was in reality. The devalue phase lasted a whole year, and the discard phase an extra six months, that's when their mask fell off and i cut ties . thank you 🙏🏽
I'm glad you posted this. How many of us could say the same..."red flags I chose to ignore." Dr. C
Absolutely needed t here all this im from the uk n have a family member that absolutely fits all the narc traits n has given me some excellent advice n have now walked awat from this individual n av never looked back .....my life since which is only a couple of months ....has bin peaceful fulfilled n i have met some genuine lovely ppl that dont want anything but my company how refreshing how real thank you u have changed my life ....
A phrase you said in one of your other videos helps to secure myself- it’s ‘anchor down’ - when the narcissist storm comes at me, I drop anchor and refuse to be blown into the rocks emotionally. Your help is securing my little boat, and I can almost see the horizon of this thing- thanks 🙏
Good analogy. Dr. C
As a general rule I don't like pop quizzes...but because it's you I will go along because you are definitely not a Narcissist and have my better interest in hand...thanks again Dr C love your work...stay strong in the Lord and the power of His might.
Thank you so much for your wonderful message...
I am told all the time by my narcissist but I am just not wanted or needed in their life
Excellent video and it definitely puts the behaviours of both a narcissist and a healthy person into perspective. We can all behave insecurely at times, but its something else completely when you're dealing with a narcissist.
All of your videos I’ve seen have been helpful, but this one addresses the key problem I have. Thank you so much. I’m definitely going to watch this one again. I’m so glad I found you.
I look like I'm the Narcissist. Constantly thinking and ruminating and talking about me! Turning into him! BUT NO. What differentiates us apart is that I have genuine empathy. GENUINE empathy. Im introspective, and I make huge mistakes. I love people who are real, who are kind, who make mistakes and know. WHO loves a superior know-all, special , non-human??? If they're always right, what are we? Thank-You Dr Carter x
I'm so thankful for your videos! I feel like I can breathe again now that I understand what's been going on with the narcissist in my life. It seems to be easier to deal with since it's someone who is not my husband. Also, a friendship I broke off a couple of years ago....I now realize the person was a narcissist! I'm beginning to feel like a narcissist magnet! lol
The trouble is I saw factors within the 'insecurities ' in myself.. My narc sister and I were bought up by narc parents , though she was the golden one and resulted in being all my parents aimed fir ' clever, career minded, successful in career and someone to boost THIER ego' I however was the sensitive child who fought really hard to be accepted, and seemed I failed . I'll never really know what my negative parents thought of me , they never told you your grand points , only your ( in THIER eyes )your failings . My sister is an egotistical women who loves to belittle where she can , the superiority is sickening. Yet ...though it's taken me 58 years to see it ...I now see her as a jealous individual who really is likely to be very insecure herself! My only route out of their grip ( though my father is passed and mother failing) is BLOCK and WALK ! So, I have , it's an amazing feeling.
Thank you very much, Dr. Carter. Your insight has been so very helpful for my wife and myself as we deal with her 24 year old daughter (my stepdaughter).
My wife and I came together more that 5 years ago, and we married in 2017. Since I have known my wife’s daughter, she has been a very hostile and self entitled young lady.
She holds a university degree, but refuses to leave our home and find her success and happiness. She lives in our basement and regularly attacks..... mostly her mother.
She claims (the stepdaughter) to have anxiety issues, but I see mostly an emotional terrorist who is out to upset our very happy life.
So, I pulled the trigger, just before Christmas, and wrote to her father and asked him to have his daughter come and live with him. He agreed. He lives 4 miles from us.
This was revived by my stepdaughter with blond aggression and overwhelming hostility. It’s been madness for 2 weeks.
Your instructions and videos have been so very helpful to my wife and I. Thank you and we intend to continue watching and supporting you.
Thank you from Canada where narcissism is alive and well.
Your eloquence and professionalism make your videos both informative and enjoyable. Thank you so much. Happy New Year!
Thanks Gail. Dr. C
Dr. Carter can you give examples of boundaries and how to keep them so I can have clear understanding,thank you your videos and books helped me! Sending love and peace.
Received! Dr. C
Thank you I will look it up. I follow inner integration podcast by Meredith Miller she is great also has RUclips ,she helped me a lot!
@@SurvivingNarcissism I love you sir. Thank you so much... I'm a survivor.
Looking forward to this
It's really tough realising you are dealing with someone playing pyschological war fare against you and the worst part is you know they are choosing to behave this way. Trying not to feel or react sends your own mental health to breaking point.
Thank you Dr. you’re the best ❤️🙏🏻🌹
"Your worth is not subject to public opinion". This is excellent pragmatic advice, in fact I say this talk in it's entirety is great pragmatic advice; example "guilt has a purpose" and once that purpose is fulfilled guilt is done. Good stuff
Thanks Cliff. Glad this resonated! Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissism Your welcome sir
I learn more with every video. It is a blessing.