When you’re younger, break ups hurt, but it’s an entirely different game when you’re in your 40’s and 50’s because you have far less road ahead of you than behind you. You also have so many other life responsibilities that your tolerance for this behavior is far less. But, when you’ve loved someone for many years and they suddenly leave, it can be absolutely heart wrenching - especially when they display hot/cold behaviors for months afterward.
For me, in my 50s, I find breakups are no easier…. I’m still going around in the same circles - people present differently early days - they charm and convince that they are just right for you, and then confusion creeps in…. only a couple of years down the line does the person underneath come to light. Each time I’m made to feel at fault. Each time I believe I must be - I’m the common denominator here - and who else gets to 50 and still not settled in a healthy relationship? All of my family and close friends are stable, no divorces - what am I doing wrong here? I feel I’ve learnt from previous experiences, learnt to communicate better, recognise triggers, and each time, I feel better prepared, but don’t seem any further forward in setting successful boundaries….and the heartache is just as painful as it has been each time this happens.
A few thoughts from someone who was 'raised ' by a covert narcissist and broke up with a dismissive avoidant recently. Clinical NPD is rare, but one doesn't have to score full 8/8 on the NPD test to be extremely toxic. Avoidant attachment style is very self centred because at the core it's a survival adaptation based on the following world view: I am OK, but everyone else isn't. Feelings are dangerous and humans are not trustworthy. This paired with difficulty to self reflect due to their deep feelings of shame creates a very selfish way of living your life. Their protest behaviours involve projecting, guilt tripping and manipulation, maybe gaslighting too. Whilst they don't look at you as prey / narcissistic supply, that behaviour with love bombing, hot and cold, no accountability, gas lighting, guilt tripping and projection is a form of narcissistic abuse. Different motive same act. If your avoidant is on that scale run. Cut all ties, burn the bridges and run. You can grieve from the safety of distance
Im so glad ive found your channel. I am healing after 3 years of cyclic awful confusion and ultimate heartbreak. Every other video ive found has induced more negative feelings as all talk about narcisism. Your videos are calming, positive, healing and have made me feel stronger in my self love. Thank you for this content! Focusing on being secure, calm, and safe in our own skin is the most positive way to grow from these experiences, not getting bitter about them. Amazing ❤️
We have to treat them the same way we treat drunk drivers: Sure, maybe you don't MEAN to hurt others--but if you do, there's still consequences that need to be paid because other people were hurt by THEIR actions. I give empathy with my ex, and I understand they are hurt and hurt-people hurt people, but if they're not willing to be held accountable and change--it's hard to not label them as toxic. It's similar to an addict that hasn't admitted they have a problem. Until they get to admitting their problem, they ARE toxic, whether they don't want to admit it. On the other hand, I think it's almost easier to deal with self-aware toxic people that AREN'T avoidant.
So true, my ex avoidant said sorry to me for hurting me, I said sorry means nothing without the change to prove it. He didn't like that very much because he is unwilling to change anything.
At least your ex said sorry! Mine never did… and his reasoning was “we just don’t say sorry in my culture (Bosnian/Eastern European). I feel like he blamed his cultural upbringing a lot even though he left the country for America when he was 7… Also, I mentioned it a lot how apologies go a long way whenever we do anything wrong because it shows accountability. He just never listened when I tried to communicate so badly how I can better hear or understand things. I just don’t get it… it’s been a year and I’m realizing that I have to leave this relationship. He can’t show up for me and give me what I need even asking for so long and trying to be patient. It’s this constant up and down toxic cycle of him disappearing for days then trying to come back after he “self soothes” without any regard to how just ghosting me for days makes me feel. I’m realizing that he simply doesn’t care about how his actions make me feel..
@ThePrettyPanda it's really disgusting how that can be so cold, I'm in the anger stage of grief at the moment and just keep thinking about how selfish it is to treat another human being the way they do. I did so much for my avoidant and can't even get a message saying goodbye.
I think its so unfair how dealing with an avoidant robs you of so much & yet the answer is too bad that's just how they are & you just have to deal with the pain. the fact that they were the person you wanted to marry & have kids with bc they showed up for as emotionally mature / available for months on end until they 180 on you & turn into a different person while you showed up as genuine the whole time with nothing but love for them. you have to be the one that picks up the pieces of your shattered heart while they just leave you there & act like everything meant nothing & you meant nothing. all you get left with is trauma that you didn't need before meeting them. I was secure until I met my avoidant ex & her avoidant behaviors made me lean towards anxious & I get made to seem like I'm the crazy one or the clingy one for requiring the bare minimum of love & communication. I tried to be understanding even after she tried to friendzone me but I had to suppress my feelings & emotions just so we could be ok. The moment I brought up how I felt about what she did & how she handled things when she blindsided me/ discarded me she gaslit & stonewalled me
Wow you have a lot of vocabulary words to cast yourself as an innocent victim. In fact I think you used every single one. How is it possible that you are completely innocent when a relationship takes two people and you are not a child? Ask yourself. I wish you luck but self victimization won’t let you heal and move on to healthier relationships. And that energy moves with you and casts a dark cloud over your future. If she was a people user, let it go and say, bad choice and why did I chose that? And heal yourself. That’s the only thing that’s within your own power.
I never said anything that made me seem like I was innocent. All I stated is what she has done. & yes I was pretty innocent in this situation. dunno how explaining what she's done means that I'm self victimizing myself. Avoidants need to be held accountable for the shitty things they do & how they hurt ppl & I'm not gonna suppress what ive been through for the sake of sounding nice about what happened. Had I done anything to warrant that shitty behavior of hers I would be the 1st one to admit it. unlike most avoidants I know how to take accountability for what I've done & how I treat ppl. All I have ever done in our relationship was try to make her feel special & love her unconditionally. I stood beside her through tough times & never pressured her for anything. I told her many times if she ever needed space that all she had to do was let me know & communicate with me & even then she couldn't do that so say what you want it just seems like what I said struck a nerve with you. & yes youre right it does take 2 ppl to have a relationship & i got tired of being the only one putting in effort & carrying it alone on my back. Instead of trying to gaslight me like she did you might want to do some self reflection on why what I wrote offended you so much * shrugs*
@@paybackcyanidedude, you literally just said you didn’t say you were innocent and then in the next sentence said you were innocent. Take the advice and stop playing the blame game and going over how much you were wronged. You will not heal or move on until you let go of that and start looking at yourself. Almost everyone on here has experienced similar things to you and gets it, it sucks but there is very little value in holding on to anger. It’s not an overnight thing and maybe venting on here is cathartic for you but the best thing is to analyse the part you played in the relationship and work on that because it’s the only thing you can have any control over. Good luck
The worst breakup of my life. I’m 49 and 11 months later I’m still trying to move through it. We were together 8 years, I didn’t know he was an FA. The 1st 4 years he was amazing, the last 4 years he began to slowly unravel and do all the avoidant things, then slow faded into an oblivion and out of nowhere told me he’s not in love with me anymore and said he needed to be single and free. I wasn’t perfect but I tried everything…Yet after he broke up with me, he said be needs to figure out why he has a fear of commitment.
Thanks! This was helpful as it clarified the dynamic i was in! I was aware that i didnt deserve the behaviour. But as you were speaking i was reliving the gurtful and triggering moments i stayed in because i was unstable and wanted him to "convince them"
A very blurry line between a toxic and an avoidant, indeed ✅ “How do I feel around this person?” Is the right question to ask. You are right, Corri! And my answer is I feel in love and confused when they pull back 😅😮💨 THANK YOU again for taking the time to make this video 💞
ive been in a relationship with an avoidant and she has been very disrespectful and has belittled and tells me whats good for me and called me having narcisistic traits, abusive and aggressive, so i want to leave this person alone but im confused by the miscommunication and now its over she still wants to be friends which i find is strange because she does not want take accountability for anything she has said, but has projected a lot af her stuff onto me and will not recognise that she has hurt me.
Look up videos on why avoidants ask to remain friends. Short answer is that it’s another way for them to tell themselves it’s not their fault. Because if you are willing to remain friends they didn’t really hurt you. Don’t be confused. It’s totally a regular thing for people who trash relationships and don’t want to feel accountable.
So helpful, thank you. I'm devastated as I come to the realization that I, was the toxic one. Due to my CPTSD, once he raised his voice, I dissociated so severely, I was mean. I'm so very sad and ashamed. I'm doing tremendous work and your videos are extremely helpful. Thank you.
Well stated. When she the DA is presented with my "what Bruce's desires are" which are to be with her, connection, the expressed for connection with a " you are avoiding connection" can we change this? Is met with blow back that I am controlling critical, attacking me in how other people see me ( because I have treated her yes that well) and how I say things are hurtful... Its a distraction for her to avoid any discussion accountability for my expressed desires. She took accountability for flaming me; cause she was merely giving it back to me... OK then... I cant love a woman who chooses to be so defensive that attacking me is totally justifiable. Nooooo
I realized I am an avoidant but I am no way disrespectful to others. I always think before talk so that I don't hurt others. I just need more time, space to regulate myself. Plus I need my independence.
Sorry but, there is where your regulate yourself, then get some unilateral decisions and don't coregulate with your mate. So you get into a conclusion where there is not a relationship ( bidirectional). Can you see here the rationalization part? I mean, a relation is about two. And you think you don't hurt. Are you sure you don't hurt? Do you really listen to the other part? Just asking, not blaming. I promise.
@@konkosko5878 I know that I don't coregulate as I feel overwhelm when others try to push their ideas and agendas to me. I need my space to think about that before commit to the situation. I self soothe. I feel very stiff inside to coregulate emotion with others. I am married for 17 years. Nobody ever been told I could be near to mean or nasty. But my partner sometimes said felt like I don't care. The problem is my partner is not a vocal person either, got childhood trauma as well. We both are in complete monogemous relationship. Never had any other gf or bf. I am trying to understand the situation btw. I could do a lot in life but due to my avoidant behavior missed out a lot.
Congratulations, you ve made a first step, but the most important... you know you are an avoidant. Great. You are able and willing for change..you can make happy yourself and people around you. It not easy journey.. don't give up.. keep going.. Merry Christmas
![Seungmin "그렇게, 천천히, 우리(As we are)" | [Stray Kids : SKZ-PLAYER]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/kAzmhLHePqU/mqdefault.jpg)
When you’re younger, break ups hurt, but it’s an entirely different game when you’re in your 40’s and 50’s because you have far less road ahead of you than behind you. You also have so many other life responsibilities that your tolerance for this behavior is far less. But, when you’ve loved someone for many years and they suddenly leave, it can be absolutely heart wrenching - especially when they display hot/cold behaviors for months afterward.
67, 50 year relationship, 15 together... it does suck.. But I endeavor to Persevere..
Whole heartedly agree ScottyB! You’ve described it well.
... and send you nasty hurting letters afterwards.
37 and ex is 43 and left, 3rd time and at times was unhealthy but I want to find love I don’t want to die alone
For me, in my 50s, I find breakups are no easier…. I’m still going around in the same circles - people present differently early days - they charm and convince that they are just right for you, and then confusion creeps in…. only a couple of years down the line does the person underneath come to light. Each time I’m made to feel at fault. Each time I believe I must be - I’m the common denominator here - and who else gets to 50 and still not settled in a healthy relationship? All of my family and close friends are stable, no divorces - what am I doing wrong here? I feel I’ve learnt from previous experiences, learnt to communicate better, recognise triggers, and each time, I feel better prepared, but don’t seem any further forward in setting successful boundaries….and the heartache is just as painful as it has been each time this happens.
A few thoughts from someone who was 'raised ' by a covert narcissist and broke up with a dismissive avoidant recently. Clinical NPD is rare, but one doesn't have to score full 8/8 on the NPD test to be extremely toxic. Avoidant attachment style is very self centred because at the core it's a survival adaptation based on the following world view: I am OK, but everyone else isn't. Feelings are dangerous and humans are not trustworthy. This paired with difficulty to self reflect due to their deep feelings of shame creates a very selfish way of living your life. Their protest behaviours involve projecting, guilt tripping and manipulation, maybe gaslighting too. Whilst they don't look at you as prey / narcissistic supply, that behaviour with love bombing, hot and cold, no accountability, gas lighting, guilt tripping and projection is a form of narcissistic abuse. Different motive same act. If your avoidant is on that scale run. Cut all ties, burn the bridges and run. You can grieve from the safety of distance
Dont think they are bad people, but they sure are not kind.
Yep
Im so glad ive found your channel. I am healing after 3 years of cyclic awful confusion and ultimate heartbreak.
Every other video ive found has induced more negative feelings as all talk about narcisism. Your videos are calming, positive, healing and have made me feel stronger in my self love. Thank you for this content! Focusing on being secure, calm, and safe in our own skin is the most positive way to grow from these experiences, not getting bitter about them. Amazing ❤️
We have to treat them the same way we treat drunk drivers: Sure, maybe you don't MEAN to hurt others--but if you do, there's still consequences that need to be paid because other people were hurt by THEIR actions.
I give empathy with my ex, and I understand they are hurt and hurt-people hurt people, but if they're not willing to be held accountable and change--it's hard to not label them as toxic. It's similar to an addict that hasn't admitted they have a problem. Until they get to admitting their problem, they ARE toxic, whether they don't want to admit it. On the other hand, I think it's almost easier to deal with self-aware toxic people that AREN'T avoidant.
The “drunk driver” analogy hits
They never take accountability bc they have the victim mentality.
So true, my ex avoidant said sorry to me for hurting me, I said sorry means nothing without the change to prove it. He didn't like that very much because he is unwilling to change anything.
At least your ex said sorry!
Mine never did… and his reasoning was “we just don’t say sorry in my culture (Bosnian/Eastern European). I feel like he blamed his cultural upbringing a lot even though he left the country for America when he was 7… Also, I mentioned it a lot how apologies go a long way whenever we do anything wrong because it shows accountability. He just never listened when I tried to communicate so badly how I can better hear or understand things. I just don’t get it… it’s been a year and I’m realizing that I have to leave this relationship. He can’t show up for me and give me what I need even asking for so long and trying to be patient. It’s this constant up and down toxic cycle of him disappearing for days then trying to come back after he “self soothes” without any regard to how just ghosting me for days makes me feel. I’m realizing that he simply doesn’t care about how his actions make me feel..
@ThePrettyPanda it's really disgusting how that can be so cold, I'm in the anger stage of grief at the moment and just keep thinking about how selfish it is to treat another human being the way they do. I did so much for my avoidant and can't even get a message saying goodbye.
I think its so unfair how dealing with an avoidant robs you of so much & yet the answer is too bad that's just how they are & you just have to deal with the pain. the fact that they were the person you wanted to marry & have kids with bc they showed up for as emotionally mature / available for months on end until they 180 on you & turn into a different person while you showed up as genuine the whole time with nothing but love for them. you have to be the one that picks up the pieces of your shattered heart while they just leave you there & act like everything meant nothing & you meant nothing. all you get left with is trauma that you didn't need before meeting them. I was secure until I met my avoidant ex & her avoidant behaviors made me lean towards anxious & I get made to seem like I'm the crazy one or the clingy one for requiring the bare minimum of love & communication. I tried to be understanding even after she tried to friendzone me but I had to suppress my feelings & emotions just so we could be ok. The moment I brought up how I felt about what she did & how she handled things when she blindsided me/ discarded me she gaslit & stonewalled me
Exactly. The way how avoidants love bomb, show themselves as lovely and funny people and finally dump you at moment everything is superb, thats evil.
Ecactly the same happened to me! Amazing. They are like programmed robots.
Wow you have a lot of vocabulary words to cast yourself as an innocent victim. In fact I think you used every single one. How is it possible that you are completely innocent when a relationship takes two people and you are not a child? Ask yourself. I wish you luck but self victimization won’t let you heal and move on to healthier relationships. And that energy moves with you and casts a dark cloud over your future. If she was a people user, let it go and say, bad choice and why did I chose that? And heal yourself. That’s the only thing that’s within your own power.
I never said anything that made me seem like I was innocent. All I stated is what she has done. & yes I was pretty innocent in this situation. dunno how explaining what she's done means that I'm self victimizing myself. Avoidants need to be held accountable for the shitty things they do & how they hurt ppl & I'm not gonna suppress what ive been through for the sake of sounding nice about what happened. Had I done anything to warrant that shitty behavior of hers I would be the 1st one to admit it. unlike most avoidants I know how to take accountability for what I've done & how I treat ppl. All I have ever done in our relationship was try to make her feel special & love her unconditionally. I stood beside her through tough times & never pressured her for anything. I told her many times if she ever needed space that all she had to do was let me know & communicate with me & even then she couldn't do that so say what you want it just seems like what I said struck a nerve with you. & yes youre right it does take 2 ppl to have a relationship & i got tired of being the only one putting in effort & carrying it alone on my back. Instead of trying to gaslight me like she did you might want to do some self reflection on why what I wrote offended you so much * shrugs*
@@paybackcyanidedude, you literally just said you didn’t say you were innocent and then in the next sentence said you were innocent. Take the advice and stop playing the blame game and going over how much you were wronged. You will not heal or move on until you let go of that and start looking at yourself. Almost everyone on here has experienced similar things to you and gets it, it sucks but there is very little value in holding on to anger. It’s not an overnight thing and maybe venting on here is cathartic for you but the best thing is to analyse the part you played in the relationship and work on that because it’s the only thing you can have any control over. Good luck
The worst breakup of my life. I’m 49 and 11 months later I’m still trying to move through it. We were together 8 years, I didn’t know he was an FA. The 1st 4 years he was amazing, the last 4 years he began to slowly unravel and do all the avoidant things, then slow faded into an oblivion and out of nowhere told me he’s not in love with me anymore and said he needed to be single and free. I wasn’t perfect but I tried everything…Yet after he broke up with me, he said be needs to figure out why he has a fear of commitment.
Hi... good luck🙏
@@vodacoma1747thank you.
This was a much needed video the subject of which I was wondering about for some time now. You are really very good at this. Thank you.
Thanks! This was helpful as it clarified the dynamic i was in! I was aware that i didnt deserve the behaviour. But as you were speaking i was reliving the gurtful and triggering moments i stayed in because i was unstable and wanted him to "convince them"
A very blurry line between a toxic and an avoidant, indeed ✅
“How do I feel around this person?” Is the right question to ask. You are right, Corri! And my answer is I feel in love and confused when they pull back 😅😮💨
THANK YOU again for taking the time to make this video 💞
Thank you, Beautiful and Wonderful Corri!!!❤❤❤
ive been in a relationship with an avoidant and she has been very disrespectful and has belittled and tells me whats good for me and called me having narcisistic traits, abusive and aggressive, so i want to leave this person alone but im confused by the miscommunication and now its over she still wants to be friends which i find is strange because she does not want take accountability for anything she has said, but has projected a lot af her stuff onto me and will not recognise that she has hurt me.
So sorry you’re experiencing this. Be true to what feels right for you. X
Look up videos on why avoidants ask to remain friends. Short answer is that it’s another way for them to tell themselves it’s not their fault. Because if you are willing to remain friends they didn’t really hurt you. Don’t be confused. It’s totally a regular thing for people who trash relationships and don’t want to feel accountable.
So helpful, thank you. I'm devastated as I come to the realization that I, was the toxic one. Due to my CPTSD, once he raised his voice, I dissociated so severely, I was mean. I'm so very sad and ashamed.
I'm doing tremendous work and your videos are extremely helpful. Thank you.
I haven’t watched yet, but just taking a moment to say I have been waiting for this one!! Thank you Corri 🙏🏼💞🎁
Well stated. When she the DA is presented with my "what Bruce's desires are" which are to be with her, connection, the expressed for connection with a " you are avoiding connection" can we change this? Is met with blow back that I am controlling critical, attacking me in how other people see me ( because I have treated her yes that well) and how I say things are hurtful... Its a distraction for her to avoid any discussion accountability for my expressed desires. She took accountability for flaming me; cause she was merely giving it back to me... OK then... I cant love a woman who chooses to be so defensive that attacking me is totally justifiable. Nooooo
Yes!!! Ask yourself how do you feel around this person
Love this. Thank you for sharing❤
I feel like labeling people makes it harder to forgive them. We all act in different ways and can all change, no labels needed
Watch this video: Avoidance Is Not A Label Or A Life Sentence ❤️🩹
ruclips.net/video/qb_5B3Ro2ZI/видео.html
I love your voice an it is the best content auf all! You are telling the truth and it works! ❤❤❤
Loved this, thank you 🙏🏻
❤️🥰
I realized I am an avoidant but I am no way disrespectful to others. I always think before talk so that I don't hurt others. I just need more time, space to regulate myself. Plus I need my independence.
Sorry but, there is where your regulate yourself, then get some unilateral decisions and don't coregulate with your mate. So you get into a conclusion where there is not a relationship ( bidirectional). Can you see here the rationalization part? I mean, a relation is about two. And you think you don't hurt. Are you sure you don't hurt? Do you really listen to the other part? Just asking, not blaming. I promise.
@@konkosko5878 I know that I don't coregulate as I feel overwhelm when others try to push their ideas and agendas to me. I need my space to think about that before commit to the situation. I self soothe. I feel very stiff inside to coregulate emotion with others. I am married for 17 years. Nobody ever been told I could be near to mean or nasty. But my partner sometimes said felt like I don't care. The problem is my partner is not a vocal person either, got childhood trauma as well. We both are in complete monogemous relationship. Never had any other gf or bf. I am trying to understand the situation btw. I could do a lot in life but due to my avoidant behavior missed out a lot.
Congratulations, you ve made a first step, but the most important... you know you are an avoidant. Great. You are able and willing for change..you can make happy yourself and people around you. It not easy journey.. don't give up.. keep going.. Merry Christmas
8:53 🎯
Believe me ‘ therapists ‘ need to be avoided ..YT has produced thousands
I’ve had a break up and I need some coaching to get to grips with it is this something you can help with
Sure! Send me an email: corritmanifesting@gmail.com or check my website for all the options :) x