Great teaching, empowering. Thanks Lisa! So called “kindness” arising from codependency thus the fear of abandonment can not be more destructive to our self esteem and our core. Truly value and heal from inside out, no other way around it.
@LmoorLawpractice I agree with your response. It was helpful. I am kind by nature but can stand up for myself. If something takes me out of my kind spirit, I step away and do not engage or get messy in the mud, is usually my first step. I prefer to talk things out. Kindness has its place and does conversations too. Ex narc is on here stalking me because Im saying no.
@GrandPappi Stud Thanks so much for that!!! You're right, our types absorb ALL the blame/responsibility while still trying to nurture and heal situations!!! And we do it with Zero allies/support usually.....which is why your comment felt so good!!! 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼👍💖💖💖. You must be a wonderful PaPa!!!
Too easy to let the boundaries melt, and unfortunately there are many damaged people who will use other's kindness for self gain. Sorry for your loss. He sounds like a wise person.
Becca, kindness is not the same as niceness. Kindness is inherently honest. Niceness can often have a superficial veneer of kindness, but below it belies unspoken expectations and that is NOT honest. Kindness is not weakness though, you are right. I am kind, but I no longer self-abandon to appear to be nice.
I don't believe codependency comes from a place of kindness. It comes from a place of wanting your own needs met, that weren't met in the first place. It's all about the self. You really can't love someone else, if you don't love yourself.
Even if someone is ''too nice'' to you, that still doesn't give you the right to disrespect and abuse them, in my opinion. I agree about boundaries though.
Being “too nice” is how weak people manipulate. It’s not “too nice” or kindness, it’s docile manipulation. What you’re leaving out is that you’re “too nice” with the intention of getting something. No one is disrespectful to you when you’re nice, they’re disrespectful when you use the niceness for ulterior motives that you’re not honest about.
When we are too nice to people that don’t deserve it (abusers) we are not living from a place of love but a place of fear. Fear of rejection, fear of discomfort, fear of not filling someone else’s needs. It is a hard pill to swallow but sometimes being nice is being an enabler.
@@RecreationalUseOnly Codependent people are not "weak", they are just wounded. They are often unaware of their ulterior motives because most of them live "below the veil of consciousness", as Lisa would say. Does that give others the right to abuse them? Really? I strongly disagree. Even if someone is being "too kind" and you know they clearly have an ulterior motive, you either tell them to stop behaving that way or you just stop interacting with them. You don't have the right to gaslight, yell at, give the silent treatment to someone because they are "too kind". Abuse is always a choice! In this particular case, the woman is clearly abusing this man. Of course he's being manipulative because he's codependent. But does that give her the right to abuse hi m? Hell no. Yes, It's important to take accountability for your actions and the ways you show up in relationships that may be toxic. But still. There's nothing one can do to deserve abuse. That's victim blaming. Let's take Lisa's other example. Parents did not draw proper boundaries and their child starts disrespecting them. Who's the asshole here? The meak parents or the child who's exploiting their parents ' inability to be more assertive?
@@dawnacoxon3111 I get your point and I don't disagree. When you're trauma bonded and afraid of abandonment, as a codependent, your first reaction is to fawn and people-please. That's definitely something to unlearn with therapy. My point was that there's nothing one can do to 'deserve' abuse. Abuse is always a choice.
Choosing to be alone and feel rejection, abandonment & fear is one of the hardest and bravest thing I did. Instead of blaming others for hurting me (victimization), I stopped the madness and started to love myself. In that question that man asked you, my thoughts would be: “end that relationship, shut down your “fix-it” shop, and find yourself. She was drawn to you bc of your co-dependency. Once you are healed, you will want someone else who is healthy and put in the work. Let go and grow.”
Exactly. When the madness is all around us, we've stepped in to the wrong arena. Changing directions, regrouping, refocus on who you want in your circle. You don't have to victimize yourself especially when you know its them.
Same here, but I'm nowhere near "loving myself"... I'm sure it'll take time. I have moments of it in therapy and it feels very, very, very, very "wrong" to me since I've spent 43 years detesting myself. It's not easy. Take care.
@@bytemei For me, I went no-contact with my family as a first step, and then I sought a therapist. I'd recommend a social worker rather than a counselor since social workers know more about trauma. I've had counselors say to me "but she's your mother" or "you know she's 7600km away, right?" and I knew they weren't for me. When I found a therapist who understands how trauma programs our brain and how we need to re-program it, it made all the difference. Good luck Scott.
I recently said to my therapist the other day that I dont want to smile "all the time anymore" because I realized I had always smiled out of embarrassment of not knowing how to feel at any given time when socializing due to anxiety and not being in touch with my own feelings and also out of a desire to look happy so I can avoid conflict with anyone potentially reactive or aggressive. I wasnt smiling out of pure joy. I was smiling as a defense mechanism. Now I only want to smile if I cant help but smile. Im not forcing myself to do it anymore because Im scared of what might happen if I don't. Its one more step to knowing myself and genuinely feeling and expressing myself.
It’s so sad because one doesn’t even know they are in a toxic family or codependent from it because the drinking, drugs, abuse, cheating or whatever is all so normalized. It’s usually decades later one realizes what happened. Such a good video.
I nearly lost my life due to codependency and living with a narcissistic spouse since 18 years.still figuring outmyself.Your videos are a life saver to me.
I’m so overwhelmed. Been codependent my whole life. Reading one of Lisa’s books on codependency and I’m so shocked and numb. Reprogramming is so confusing to my brain, feel triggered all day and can’t rest. When I’m around a narcissist now it feels so evil.
I feel that way too! Like Lisa has said.....when you’re healing/healed it’s almost impossible to put up with a narc & we can see right through all those manipulative ways.....ugh!
@@godzillamanstreb524 but narcissistic can come in different forms from different people and sometimes u make people to show their narcissistic traits by the codependency. They always act little selfish around codependent people
@@marywilsonvocalist2181 ive been 3 years in separation from all people. But i do have to call mum 1 a week for 5 mins so she doesnt have a heart attack. I just dont trust anyone anymore. People are users and evil.
@@GGLD888 its important not to generalise..not all people are evil users...and your mums health is hers to own..you thinking you can save her is a tad egotisticle while well meaning its co dependency...dig deeper.
Lisa you are expressing Me to a T. And for years, I never knew this about myself until I hit my Thirties. I educated myself my Codependency and Naricissim. I was conditioned to believe I had to serve others to receive love or take care of you before myself. Thank You for enlightening us on this Topic. I'm learning more an more to heal my disfunction.
Lisa you are so right.Fear of rejection has caused co-dependence in me, I've always been generous but some of that generosity was because I wanted to be liked and loved. Thankyou your are a wise wonderful woman.
@Belletaina yes, ty for responding and clarifying back. I was told no for jealous reasons everyday from stepmother and stepsister and my nickname was, you guessed it cindi growing from age ten on. They beat me for no reason, i believe for my dad to show his alliance to his new wife. They kept me in my room ten years and finally the highschool called them to the school and reamed them out to where they couldnt face their shame for what they did that they left the state. You cant make this up. I confided in many about this but this last narc wants to discount what i say because he said he beat up everyone in school. So hear i am facing the same kind of abuse i ran from. I know i am safe now and have moved on all through the years but this last narc is stalking me here because i am saying no to him. I hardly talked about my past so to take this one event and discount and probably spreading my abuse, it is scary. I now protect that little girl inside. The ex narc is on here stalking me. I have to be careful about how I post. The isolation tactics is not as good as the narc thinks. The threats to multiple lives and bringing children into it, multiple neighbors have moved away because of it. Stay safe. Ten years after leaving step family with a box of clothes no job food or money, I survived with friends who would love to help tell my story. I am forever greatful to them my friends. I am a quiet person and do not talk back but no when its time to leave now. I did receive multiple apologies i greatfully accepted from step family and stayed away from them plus my attorney says if they ever contact me it will be considered harrasment and charges will be filed. I guess the ex narc doesnt like the power I gained from the abuse i suffered and to tell my experience. don't look at is as power. I look at it as a blessing i survived and to keep my shield up. 🦋
I have been through exactly everything you’re describing! Now, at 74, I am finally becoming enlightened thanks to your extremely helpful videos. I don’t plan on ever having another partner relationship, but I hope it will help in my relationships with my adult children. Thank you!
It is so inspiring to hear you say this. I thought just learning at 52 why I'm wired the way that I am was something. I love her videos, they are so helpful in my journey to heal. I have discovered a lot about myself.
@@lashundatibbs-tate2864 It kind of shocked me reading comments on videos like this as many of us are 50 and older. Id of thought we would have all worked this out when we were younger. But it goes to show how blind you can be even at an old age. I guess most of us older people wonder how things would have turned out if we were more awoke when we were in our 30s etc. Its a shame we cant all go back in time and change some things. They do say the road to hell is filled with good intentions. I should have payed more attention to quotes when I was younger.
I told my friend that's what abusive relationships is all about. Now he has 3 kids with her makes decent money and miserable. He will probably be old when he realises I was right. I knew this some time ago that narcicist exist because I was raised by one but also I just knew it was wrong. My friend also had the same and a Co dependent but just found it natural.
This is a very important discourse on codependency. Enlightenment. Stop trying to fix people. Live your best life day by day. Just be. Thank you, Lisa.
Odd you would use the phrase, “Just Be”. I used the same two words as a calming agent for my narcissist. His mind was constantly changing and shifting at Mach speed. He took 3 deep breaths and literally melted.
The part at around 23:00 is great. It describes my mother perfectly. She'd go out and "do things for you" and then make you feel obligated to reciprocate or make you feel ungrateful. It was one of her most toxic behaviours.
Always learn so much from you Lisa! Healing daily is a beautiful thing!! Gray for you! Filed my divorce papers yesterday after 30 years of marriage. Ending the toxic codependent, narcissistic relationship I was in. Ending the generational patterns. To see this sends shivers through my body! 🌻🙏I will continue to do the work! I finally love myself!! It feels amazing..I am enough!
My diagnosed malignant narc son has never been around much since he always made sure to opt to be transferred to Air Force bases that were far away from where I live. However, after he married a woman who I believe you would describe as a cover narcissist; he wanted to be closer to me and I was thrilled. I really thought his wife was genuine and empathic, but I found out that it was all an act on her part designed to manipulate me financially. They both pretended to want to be closer to me in order for him to get a "humanitarian assignment" due to my diagnosis of breast cancer and colorectal cancer. My doctors wrote letters to my son's Commanding Officers regarding the seriousness of my health conditions. Once they got the transfer they wanted to Dover, Delaware they abandoned me. That just shows their vile and cunning mentality. When I told my oncologist and my primary care physician what my son and his wife had done; they were both shocked and disgusted that my son would be so callous as to use my serious illnesses for his own benefit because he did not want to be transferred to South Dakota since his wife said she would go back to the Philippines if they had to follow the orders he had been given to transfer to a base South Dakota. I really am better off without those two individuals in my life. I will focus on living my best life without them in it.
This is a really good talk. Allan Robarge also did a video ("Emotional Unavailability and Being "Too Nice") about how when a partner or parent is "nice" its a way for them to stay emotionally distanced from us. Its a way to stay superficial and not be deeply emotional because being deep requires vulnerability and honesty, being "too nice" or "always polite" doesnt require any actual emotional work and doesnt promote or allow for genuine bonding. My mom is "too nice." I am too, but Im really working on not being "too nice" anymore. Its suffocating and stifling to the self, and you never get close to anyone if youre being superficially polite all the time anyway.
Thanks, Lisa. This particular video is one good reason why I've chosen to no longer be Religious. I was raised in a deeply religious environment. Unfortunately, deep religious beliefs can teach a person to ignore dealing with their emotions. This paves the way for everything you brought out in this video. Religious beliefs are so entrenched in our world society that I'm sure it's not a stretch to believe that most people who have been exposed to strict religious beliefs are existing in the state your video covers. Again, thanks.
Lisa continues to awaken and enlighten me! I thought I had "fixed" my codependency and was on the road to forever partner. Today I came asking the universe for answers to why I remain in yet another unbalanced relationship and again, Lisa Romano has answered the question of my confusion. I now understand, to my suprise,I need to face my childhood abandonment. I am so grateful for your work! Thank you! Peace be with you, KC
This is so eye opening and liberating I had been praying to see what my part in the dysfunction was. I know I used to be codependent. No more! But it all makes sense I had a hole in my boat. And I see why ppl have been treating me differently now. I don’t take the crap anymore and am not rejecting self. Thanks again Dr. Ramano! 🙏🏾🔥
One of your best videos Lisa! It was so difficult for me to listen, because I recognized myself in every word. Clingy, obsessive, desperate, pushy, jealous, suffocating, etc. Great, great video 👏👏👏
Lisa you just summed up my life story, it's almost unbelievable. I was listening to you with my mouth open and I was thinking "Is this me talking right now or her ? How does she know EXACTLY how I felt? What's going on here?'.... You're amazingly smart, thank you so much for shedding light on difficult experiences of my past that, even though I have made a lot of progress in my healing, still make me think "this whole thing was BANANAS" (as you put it !!) whenever I look back.
I have been in therapy since I was 4 years old. In November of last year, my 3rd husband went to jail, and I have been homeless with 4 children since. All 3 of my marriages ended up with felony domestic violence convictions and me running for my life, first with 1 child, then 3 and now 4. I was so misunderstood the only one I could turn to was my narcissistic mother who I have not spoken to in almost 5 years. Husband 3 was the first one to introduce me to the "smear campaign" concept and wow, did it work. My mother has not changed of course, but for the moment helping me is serving her agenda. I have become more and more withdrawn and more fearful of people, because even though I know my actions are not bad, and my heart and intentions are pure, I continue to find myself trusting and loving people who destroy me. I have been watching every video, read every blog, every self help book I can find and have not been able to find an answer. Until this morning. Watching this. Thank you. This is the only thing that has ever made any sense. As hard as it was to hear, you have given me the ability to take the responsibility for my life back onto my shoulders where it belongs. I know it wont be easy to to become healthy, and I know the work I have to do is going to be hard and probably take a long time. But I don't have to be afraid anymore. I don't have to be a victim. Now I know how to protect myself and to be whole. You probably just saved my life. Thank you. From everything in me. Thank you.
I am crying listening to this. I feel pain for the abandonment. I can not breathe. He pushed me away. I have been putting up with him and provided for him for 5 years.
Fantastic point about religion near the beginning of the video. I'm not going to tell my life story here, I'm just going to say that I'm the poster child for religious trauma syndrome. What you said is absolutely right.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for this video. For many years now I have felt guilt and shame for example how I told my daughter Rhonda once to get up right away we have to get home after a fall instead of consoling her right away when she grazed her knee after she became too heavy for me to carry home to my first aid kit while I was doing my best to protect her from her father who was prone to violence at the time after he had ruined my reputation only for awhile in being a fully competent adult myself. Now I can feel proud of how successful she has become in spite of everything our family has gone through. In a way codependency is a way to try and cover up narcissistic behavior patterns learned from family of origin through imitation when it isn't fooling anyone. My learning task right now is to avoid living vicariously through my children regardless of how much pension funds I might have to no longer sit on while seeking heathy life experiences for myself as an adult in a way which I never experienced when young after marrying right after completing high school. Like finding a job for myself that I enjoy doing so much that it doesn't feel like work.
I have experienced similar situations in my life. Thank you for the insight! I am struggling with accepting myself. I have definitely been taught early on from my parents and siblings that I was not good enough!
I find it really difficult to navigate my "nice-ness", I tend to be very agreeable and conscientious .. I dont know how to balance what is healthy and what is not when it comes to these traits. I do know that .... I can be present and holding onto self one minute and then attuned to the energy and how I feel in the environment, only to be can flung into hypervigilance and catering to others needs the next. I really want to get it right, I know I will one day I just haven't yet found my way through the confusion. Even now as I am writing this I struggle with dissonance.
My mother used to call it being conscientious. Answer the phone professionally be a Yes Man always be agreeable customer is always right. That's Falls in with life everyone else is always right except you have no voice why is that? We're supposed to be like this this is how this realm was supposed to be filled with conscientious people who care deeply about someone else as they do themselves. It's not us my dear it's them
Do you have your top 5/10 personal values written down engraved into your heart? It took a few months but it has helped me so much. As silly as that may sound those values have now automatically become my boundaries and when I feel that tug to move I consult the values and figure out where that trigger lands, on which one, why maybe and then that focus time gives me that little pause to respond to what is happening rather than reacting... (meditation is the gym you go to imo to build that muscle) sending love... together we are better 💚🙏🏼✨
When it comes to a prospective mate you have to understand that high-value males are looking for a return on investment and waves that can be measured for a true genuine value oh, we have to be realistic, we must apply human animal science while spending many of today's subjectively derived erroneous Concepts male and female human animal Sciences. Be really really honest about what you want and need purely survival instinctual and gender relevant perspective no different than the way monkeys arrange themselves and their communities in their hierarchical structure you must be prepared to abandon very social constructs put into place that offsets the balance of Nature and the way in which we organize ourselves and I've been organizing ourselves for hundreds of thousands of years. Think of it from alphas and betas perspective. Think of it from purely survival Instinct gut feeling perspective and the answers will come very easily. Does not love at least in part require the tendency of the human heart and spirit? Maybe so for one gender and perhaps not so much for another. Please consult with Rollo tomassi the rational male.
14:54 -You did an amazing job at setting examples and teaching your children. Living proof that when you bounce back and work on yourself, you get results that show exponentially wonderful hard work and dedication that paid off. By being the example and teaching the worlds children how to value themselves and how far it can take them. Bravo Miss! 🌹💜😭🙏🏾🥰
Thank you Lisa, I was also adopted and placed several times in childhood. I have been attracting narcs and charter disordered people my entire life, not really connecting deeply. It has been a journey and now I am on a healing path. Thank you for bringing this to light on your channel.
Lisa this lecture made me so sad, because I was the one who would bear gifts and never could understand all the rejection. It is really hard to get this in my head. It was so sad to be exploited like. Happy to be out and understanding though. 🌿😔
I've been a codependent for decades and just found out a year ago I am codependent.. Knowing this and learning about it has improved my mental state and social relationships greatly. .
God‘s word tells me to walk in love but it also tells me to be wise as a serpent and harmless as a dove so I’m sharpening my powers of discernment so I can discern the narc and not be entangled with him and that’s my superpower
Lisa ♡ when I'm sitting here not able to do anything, I can put u on and hear ur voice, wisdom, and compassion. I don't know what I would be doing without u the past two years. Thank u. ♡♡♡
Sometimes we do need someone to lean on .... I’m going through this right now ... it’s horrible , physical,sexual and emotional abuse destroy you and living in denial...it’s so much pain ...
Giving love to get love was a tough realization and I have been wondering if that made me a narcissist, and to what degree. You just explained so much!
What struck me as I listened is if I think people who spoil their children is seen as an obvious problem, spoiling an adult is no different. Expect the same results. It is like giving an invitation for a outing. Hey I'm going, wanna come? If not aok, take care ttyl. If asked to divert to a "supply task" the answer is no. " I'm already looking forward to this outing." The inner peace come from a genuine love of the adventure not the company. Like minds and kindred will be in what you genuinely have passion for.
Lisa thank you for such eye opening discussion. It has been very instrumental in my life. May God, universe and higher power bless you, this channel and those who read this massage 💥💫
That is totally correct Lisa. everyone has to have boundaries for other people to respect them. It is a total turn off after awhile when someone is doting on everything about you and obsessed with you , it doesnt feel natural at all!!
Lisa 💌 i’ve never listened to or met any therapist who breaks down this topic with such amazing, true insight. This has been validation & life changing for so many. Thank you for bringing this topic to light. Since we are all individuals we are in different places internally & in our journeys. I find some areas of discussion may apply & some not so much if the work & growth has taken place. Another factor that I take into consideration is the spiritual factor. That’s an entire other topic, don’t want to say separate because for me it is not separate it’s an important aspect of my life ✨🙏🏼✨
Can deeply relate to this man that wrote in. Can relate to growing up in that "perfect" (far from it) environment. Been listening to your guided meditation. It's reprogramming. Been feeling more "whole". Slowly but surely.
Lisa. I had to watch this extremely informative video, 5 times. During my healing walk, my codependent behaviors creep up in my current dating relations... Rejection continues but, w/ my current girl. We communicate very well & are on different points on our healing trails from relationships with narcissists. We wish to be healthy & you help tremendously! Thank you!
I loved this thank you Lisa 💕You are an inspiration ... don’t sell yourself it’s so hard for a child to feel loved bonded and fortified when parents are suffering from their own families history
I cringed over & over while listening to this. Realizing that at 70 I still do most of what you've discussed. Your right, repeating my behaviour over & over and all this does is enforce my desperate need to be accepted and forgetting all about the last time. Nice words, gifts - too much for most! Yeah I expect in my codependent mind I'll receive the attention I wish I deserved. Empty matrix, you bet!
@@dannym6552 As Lisa points out in her talks, mine began in early childhood with complete neglect & emotional torture. I took to heart this abuse and carried it through my life. This last episode began almost a year ago and I, for the life of me, couldn't figure out what I'd done to deserve this "friend's" wrath and emotional torment but knew I'd been thru it many times before. By accident I'd watched a youtube vlog from a psychologist who, to the letter, described what I'd just experience with this recent person. I began to watch other vlogs on narcissistic experiences. I like Lisa's down to earth vlogs and have learned a lot about myself. Co-dependance is an insidious condition and a condition I didn't know I had. Thanks to my latest encounter I'm starting to educate myself. So I'm grateful for my narcissist though afraid to let go just yet.
This is an amazing summary of exactly what I’m working on right now. It’s taken months of therapy to work this out. After another extremely painful and soul destroying break up I realised that I needed to do the work on myself to heal properly. Thank you so much for reinforcing the work I need to do and for explaining it so articulately 🙏🏻
You answer something that has bean boder me all my life, I wached over 2000 videos on you tube and read so many books, but this video has all the answers for me, I mean, I am stunned. Thank you😳🙏🏼🤯😭😭❤️❤️❤️❤️
One thing i learned the hard way about what you're discussing is doing generous favors of a lifetime for people and i never wanted anything in return but loyalty which was my mistake the same people will still stab you in the back once time has gone by since they got what they needed from you ...
You've helped me identify so much about myself. It's like you were a fly on my wall during my youth! All of this is so very insightful! A million times thank you!!!
It really does take work....every time I listen to one of your videos, I have at least a week of work on so many things. Presently, I am reallly working on just being. Also, you are so right about teaching kids and letting them develop judgement and skills, instead of trying to do everything for them. The role of parenting is an ever changing one as children and parents progress through different stages of life.
Wow lisa. You are so amazing. I have been practicing - holding onto my self, and - not justifying myself to anyone, - practice having my own views without explaining myself . It is changing me and you are right. Many people dont like it! I have had friends get surprised that i no longer need their validation. I have had former narcissistic dates come back to me in the hopes they could fool me and i held onto myself. They did not like it either. But, wooooow i felt so awesome. I felt like i was finally awake! That i knew who i am and who ive been hiding for so long. It feels amazing and freeing. I really wish i could attend your coaching program at some point. In the meantime im constantly in touch with your videos and meditations. More power and keep healing people. ❤️❤️❤️
you can come to my place any time you wish to yet we have arguments but also joke around there are sad stories and happy ones then jokes and prayer we're a christian bunch
Yes for sure 👌 it’s exactly what I did and it was pulling me back to toxicity and anxiety for so long! You need to teach yourself to be valued and worthy and loved 🥰🙏❤️
Am hanging on to every word you say. Realized that I have been playing the same game over and over. You were right in a previous lesson. Devastating that I am going to have to CHANGE EVERYTHING. At 71.
As hokey pokey that sounds lol thank you for explaining it I was just going through this today and I felt like the Lord has led me to this because I sure need explaining on what just happened to me and why I keep falling into the pits Lisa you're right I have to fix the holes in my boat thank you again for helping me identify some of the holes I need to close up.
I have a strange combination of codependency with an avoidant attachment style, being brought up in a narcissistic home, leading me to tolerate many narcissistic personality types until it became life threatening. I would begrudgingly submit to other people's needs and resent them for it, not knowing I actually had the choice not to do what was expected of them. Not anymore, working through it. Thank you Lisa for the work you do, about to read your book on codependency.
Thanks it feels good how you sincerely want to help us and you never ask us to like and subscribe, I think it's because your so abundant the real reason your here is to bring a light. How could I not subscribe and like that. 👍🥳
The best way to treat anyone once their behaviour changes is to mirror their behaviour. If they don't like it and obviously u don't like it either then it will cause change or the relationship to end. Either is a win
Thank You for being a Beautiful Person for helping people. We're all struggling in our own ways to get through this life.. and it's all about learning.. if we're willing. I think Maya Angelou, an author & poet, said "We only do what we do until we know to do better" (forgive if i misquoted). . . . . . . .I admire her gracious attitude. My experience & observation is that we are *predisposed* from our childhood experiences & environment to behave as we do throughout life from that early *conditioning* ..and to then tolerate behavior, abuse, etc., into our adulthood.. until, unless we recognize that we don't need to tolerate what makes us uncomfortable or unhappy. Every child deserves to be happy..as often as possible. Yet children are completely at the mercy of the authorities in their environment. However, the beauty is that when we grow up, we're free..legally!! So, we can also pay attention to our feelings by learning to give ourselves enough love to heal, slowly as best possible..no matter how long it takes. The healing process will help us avoid abuse as we develop an intolerance to any type of abuse.. knowing that it not only feels uncomfortable, unhappy, etc..but also goes against our basic instinct for *survival* . While we're all here trying to survive, we deserve to be Happy as often as possible with kindness, lovingness, generosity, forgiveness, etc.! If only we could erase, defy, resist, outgrow or overcome the painful/ abusive experiences from childhood that create life-long disadvantages..from the young-tender early years of conditioning!!! Yet..if we yearn to be strong & invulnerable..and grow up to discover that our heart is still sensitive to our 'inner-child'..we can feel proud to never become a predator!!!
This video nails it again for me. I am so co-dependent I am a professional chef and have found my worth serving others well. I was discarded after a 5 month marriage and 2 year relationship at nearly 50 years of age. She had 3 children and I have not seen or heard from them since April. I came into save her. I see the fault in it now. I lost myself in that relationship. Lockdown is solitary confinement has allowed me to learn about myself again. Thank you for being there for us that want to heal. God Bless.
I suspected my husband always texting a lady on his phone , We’ve been married for 18 years, we’ve both been happy together until recently when he switched side and I found out he has been cheating .I explained my story to a colleague at work then she introduced me to this genuine hacker, Darkwebprohacker who gave me access to his phone , I had complete access to his phone right on my own device and I could see all his activities for the past 2 years and also have access to new notifications, his text messages, Facebook messages,location, call logs, and I found out my husband was also flirting on dating sites..I love my husband a lot and I still don’t understand why he betrayed me, I have been a good hardworking wife and never for once cheated on him. I tracked him down and found out he was always going to sleep in another woman’s house with me thinking my husband is always at work for night shift. You can contact this great hacker who helped me found out the truth about my husband at darkwebprohack(at)gmail com or Whats app +19087998357 or text and call them directly on the same number.They helped me get access into his phone without even touching his phone.I have enough evidence against my husband and I am thinking of Filing for divorce.I want advice if I should give him another chance or let go ? We have 2 kids together
it's a painful feeling but I believe things happen in life it comes as it goes, as it says what doesn't kills makes you stronger ..
Lisa, You hit the nail on the head. I am codependent, but have become exhausted as well. Moving forward I am # 1. I left a narcissist who I was WAY too nice to.
Again!!! A wonderful bundle of information that is extremely helpful. I’m doing the working and getting better day by day on this road of going from “Surviving to Truly Thriving.”. Happy Thanksgiving 2020! Thanks for helping me to heal and recover from my walk in the valley for the past 2.2 years. I get it now. Namaste!!!!!! Yellowbird🐥😀🥰👍🏾🦃
I love the analogy of boundaries that help us appreciate a building also help us become who we are. These videos are helping me heal, Lisa. Lots of love
Alanon's 3 As come to mind here. Awareness, Acceptance and Action. Because a Fixer has an empathic and caring heart, a Fixer can be drawn into other's problems, and drama. Detachment is a helpful tool against always being drawn into other's problems. Telling someone verbally or if just saying in one's mind that , "you got yourself into this predicament and I am sure you can get yourself out of it" can be a form of Detachment that stops a Fixer from taking on someone else's problems or from taking responsibility for someone else's Feelings. Feeling responsibility for other's feelings is a big issue for Fixers. We all are responsible for our own feelings, but not someone else's. Someone can make another Mad, but it is up to mad person to get themselves glad again. Being a Fixer can be used as a strength or a weakness. Focusing on oneself with the "Fixer ability" can be a way to use the Fixer ability as a strength by using it for self care, for self reliance, for finding solutions, and for developing resiliency. One's Fixer ability can fix insecurity within the self.
This is great information . I have been accused of being cold and not kind when I set boundaries. I want to be respected. I have to learn to choose my relationships and not be chosen to satisfy others wants and needs. I’m in a marriage with someone I chose, is 25yrs younger and is now becoming challenging after 14yrs. We’re working on it. Thanks for your videos. Len M. In PA
My codependency at my advance age has ended up in a fear of people. I have 3 life long close friends but keep all other people asif I have an invisible wall around me
I don't even have those friends.... I've cut out the toxic people but now I'm all alone :( It's tough. I have casual friends, but nobody I can call and cry to, or nobody I can count on to be here for me at a moment's notice in an emergency. It's really hard because I get very lonely and wonder what's wrong with me, and contemplate suicide a lot :/
@@samhhaincat2703 My goodness don't think about that, you are worth way more than other people. I had to get rid of my 2 close friends because of something awful they did to me, they were my closest friends, I was hurt for a while and I had to come to grips with the fact they were not who I thought they were. There is nothing wrong with you, you are better off alone than around toxic people. You, i time will find new friends and feel better , I promise. Hang in there and learn to enjoy your own company or volunteer somewhere at a cause you believe in and maybe you can meet a new friend!
If you can learn to trust your gut with whom to trust, it can go better. If you can learn to spread love when you can, and when it IS safe to do so, you will get more in return. Just in general. Not fool-proof. And I can only encourage, but it's helped me a lot. ❤ ❤ ❤
Ack, this made me cringe. I remember an alcoholic boyfriend who used to sit there waiting for me on a Friday night, to see what gifts I had brought him that week. People used to tell me I was "too nice" and I thought that was their problem, but really, it was also mine. It's a very hard habit to change. Recently I got 3 weeks into a new job and realised that I could not get along with my employer, so I left, which was good, but I felt like I was the problem and was a failure. Then I realised that my predecessor had also only lasted 3 weeks with her (which I wasn't told until after I started). This is one of the best videos you have done, or maybe I am just at the point where I can see it clearly. :)
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Great teaching, empowering. Thanks Lisa! So called “kindness” arising from codependency thus the fear of abandonment can not be more destructive to our self esteem and our core. Truly value and heal from inside out, no other way around it.
@LmoorLawpractice
I agree with your response. It was helpful. I am kind by nature but can stand up for myself. If something takes me out of my kind spirit, I step away and do not engage or get messy in the mud, is usually my first step. I prefer to talk things out. Kindness has its place and does conversations too. Ex narc is on here stalking me because Im saying no.
@@skilodge4224 💗😇
@@lindasharpe7039 Hugs! Healing is important. I choose to be kind i a discerning way.
@@summerbreeze6259 Yes, I am starting a new path with healing today that I had been avoiding. My 1st real meditation is a start. Thank You 😇💗
@@skilodge4224 Hey there, I'd recommend getting a new email address and youtube account. You'll never feel safe otherwise.
It's Not being NICE that leads to the rejection. It's the CHRONIC DISRESPECT of OURSELVES and RESPECTING OTHERS MORE THAN THEY DESERVE
Very well said!!! It isn't actually Nice at all, it's Cruelty to 'self'!!!
@GrandPappi Stud Thanks so much for that!!! You're right, our types absorb ALL the blame/responsibility while still trying to nurture and heal situations!!! And we do it with Zero allies/support usually.....which is why your comment felt so good!!! 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼👍💖💖💖. You must be a wonderful PaPa!!!
Omg yes
🎯
@GrandPappi Stud Beautiful words!!! Thank you for the blessing 🙏🙏🙏 and for the essence of your grand papa 🙏🏼🙏🏼💗
I love that. If you want to stop feeling rejected, you have to stop rejecting yourself. Embrace your emotions.
My husband is deceased now always told me that people mistake kindness for weakness and they do if they're the wrong kind of people
Too easy to let the boundaries melt, and unfortunately there are many damaged people who will use other's kindness for self gain. Sorry for your loss. He sounds like a wise person.
Becca, kindness is not the same as niceness. Kindness is inherently honest. Niceness can often have a superficial veneer of kindness, but below it belies unspoken expectations and that is NOT honest.
Kindness is not weakness though, you are right. I am kind, but I no longer self-abandon to appear to be nice.
Correct
Yes, and those wrong people are the majority
I'm sorry you lost your husband I say he knew things was wise
It's hard to comprehend the toxicity of codependency especially when our intentions come from a place of kindness.
Co dependency is not to be confused with kindness.
I don't believe codependency comes from a place of kindness. It comes from a place of wanting your own needs met, that weren't met in the first place. It's all about the self. You really can't love someone else, if you don't love yourself.
Jerr, it’s not “kindness”, it’s docile manipulation
@James Michael lol
some idiots see kindness as weakness, and i was an idiot that thought kindness cures selfisness.
When you take care of someone who is disrespectful of you - you need to stop - and take care of yourself not them.......... yeah
Makes sense 🙈
Even if someone is ''too nice'' to you, that still doesn't give you the right to disrespect and abuse them, in my opinion. I agree about boundaries though.
Being “too nice” is how weak people manipulate. It’s not “too nice” or kindness, it’s docile manipulation. What you’re leaving out is that you’re “too nice” with the intention of getting something. No one is disrespectful to you when you’re nice, they’re disrespectful when you use the niceness for ulterior motives that you’re not honest about.
When we are too nice to people that don’t deserve it (abusers) we are not living from a place of love but a place of fear. Fear of rejection, fear of discomfort, fear of not filling someone else’s needs. It is a hard pill to swallow but sometimes being nice is being an enabler.
@@RecreationalUseOnly Codependent people are not "weak", they are just wounded. They are often unaware of their ulterior motives because most of them live "below the veil of consciousness", as Lisa would say. Does that give others the right to abuse them? Really? I strongly disagree. Even if someone is being "too kind" and you know they clearly have an ulterior motive, you either tell them to stop behaving that way or you just stop interacting with them. You don't have the right to gaslight, yell at, give the silent treatment to someone because they are "too kind". Abuse is always a choice! In this particular case, the woman is clearly abusing this man. Of course he's being manipulative because he's codependent. But does that give her the right to abuse hi
m? Hell no. Yes, It's important to take accountability for your actions and the ways you show up in relationships that may be toxic. But still. There's nothing one can do to deserve abuse. That's victim blaming. Let's take Lisa's other example. Parents did not draw proper boundaries and their child starts disrespecting them. Who's the asshole here? The meak parents or the child who's exploiting their parents ' inability to be more assertive?
@@dawnacoxon3111 I get your point and I don't disagree. When you're trauma bonded and afraid of abandonment, as a codependent, your first reaction is to fawn and people-please. That's definitely something to unlearn with therapy. My point was that there's nothing one can do to 'deserve' abuse. Abuse is always a choice.
Very true, but for narcissists, kindness is a sign of weaknesses. Actually, they feel entitled to use overly kind people.
Choosing to be alone and feel rejection, abandonment & fear is one of the hardest and bravest thing I did. Instead of blaming others for hurting me (victimization), I stopped the madness and started to love myself.
In that question that man asked you, my thoughts would be: “end that relationship, shut down your “fix-it” shop, and find yourself. She was drawn to you bc of your co-dependency. Once you are healed, you will want someone else who is healthy and put in the work. Let go and grow.”
May I ask how you did this?
Exactly. When the madness is all around us, we've stepped in to the wrong arena. Changing directions, regrouping, refocus on who you want in your circle. You don't have to victimize yourself especially when you know its them.
Same here, but I'm nowhere near "loving myself"... I'm sure it'll take time. I have moments of it in therapy and it feels very, very, very, very "wrong" to me since I've spent 43 years detesting myself. It's not easy. Take care.
@@bytemei For me, I went no-contact with my family as a first step, and then I sought a therapist. I'd recommend a social worker rather than a counselor since social workers know more about trauma. I've had counselors say to me "but she's your mother" or "you know she's 7600km away, right?" and I knew they weren't for me. When I found a therapist who understands how trauma programs our brain and how we need to re-program it, it made all the difference. Good luck Scott.
Very true.
I recently said to my therapist the other day that I dont want to smile "all the time anymore" because I realized I had always smiled out of embarrassment of not knowing how to feel at any given time when socializing due to anxiety and not being in touch with my own feelings and also out of a desire to look happy so I can avoid conflict with anyone potentially reactive or aggressive. I wasnt smiling out of pure joy. I was smiling as a defense mechanism. Now I only want to smile if I cant help but smile. Im not forcing myself to do it anymore because Im scared of what might happen if I don't. Its one more step to knowing myself and genuinely feeling and expressing myself.
It’s so sad because one doesn’t even know they are in a toxic family or codependent from it because the drinking, drugs, abuse, cheating or whatever is all so normalized. It’s usually decades later one realizes what happened. Such a good video.
So true
I nearly lost my life due to codependency and living with a narcissistic spouse since 18 years.still figuring outmyself.Your videos are a life saver to me.
Thanks for your help ☺️
A narcissist can cause a “codependent” person to become obsessed, due to “The Narcissist and The Codependent Dance.”
I’m so overwhelmed. Been codependent my whole life. Reading one of Lisa’s books on codependency and I’m so shocked and numb. Reprogramming is so confusing to my brain, feel triggered all day and can’t rest. When I’m around a narcissist now it feels so evil.
I feel that way too! Like Lisa has said.....when you’re healing/healed it’s almost impossible to put up with a narc & we can see right through all those manipulative ways.....ugh!
@@godzillamanstreb524 but narcissistic can come in different forms from different people and sometimes u make people to show their narcissistic traits by the codependency. They always act little selfish around codependent people
Exhausting to be codependent. I’m a caregiver so it’s a perfect job helping people. Love you Lisa.
Im co dependent. But i hate people now. So its interesting.
@@GGLD888 me too..but apparantly connection is important for sanity...
@@marywilsonvocalist2181 ive been 3 years in separation from all people. But i do have to call mum 1 a week for 5 mins so she doesnt have a heart attack. I just dont trust anyone anymore. People are users and evil.
@@GGLD888 its important not to generalise..not all people are evil users...and your mums health is hers to own..you thinking you can save her is a tad egotisticle while well meaning its co dependency...dig deeper.
It’s your choice to be a codependent, nothing virtuous or honorable about it.
Lisa you are expressing Me to a T. And for years, I never knew this about myself until I hit my Thirties. I educated myself my Codependency and Naricissim. I was conditioned to believe I had to serve others to receive love or take care of you before myself. Thank You for enlightening us on this Topic. I'm learning more an more to heal my disfunction.
Definitely learning this one too 💕
Good for you..it wasn't easy..but u r doing it
When someone allows you to be yourself you gain everything
Lisa you are so right.Fear of rejection has caused co-dependence in me, I've always been generous but some of that generosity was because I wanted to be liked and loved.
Thankyou your are a wise wonderful woman.
@Belletaina I believe they are keeping up with boundary setting, always a good thing.
@Belletaina yes, ty for responding and clarifying back. I was told no for jealous reasons everyday from stepmother and stepsister and my nickname was, you guessed it cindi growing from age ten on. They beat me for no reason, i believe for my dad to show his alliance to his new wife. They kept me in my room ten years and finally the highschool called them to the school and reamed them out to where they couldnt face their shame for what they did that they left the state. You cant make this up. I confided in many about this but this last narc wants to discount what i say because he said he beat up everyone in school. So hear i am facing the same kind of abuse i ran from. I know i am safe now and have moved on all through the years but this last narc is stalking me here because i am saying no to him. I hardly talked about my past so to take this one event and discount and probably spreading my abuse, it is scary. I now protect that little girl inside. The ex narc is on here stalking me. I have to be careful about how I post. The isolation tactics is not as good as the narc thinks. The threats to multiple lives and bringing children into it, multiple neighbors have moved away because of it. Stay safe. Ten years after leaving step family with a box of clothes no job food or money, I survived with friends who would love to help tell my story. I am forever greatful to them my friends. I am a quiet person and do not talk back but no when its time to leave now. I did receive multiple apologies i greatfully accepted from step family and stayed away from them plus my attorney says if they ever contact me it will be considered harrasment and charges will be filed. I guess the ex narc doesnt like the power I gained from the abuse i suffered and to tell my experience. don't look at is as power. I look at it as a blessing i survived and to keep my shield up. 🦋
I have been through exactly everything you’re describing! Now, at 74, I am finally becoming enlightened thanks to your extremely helpful videos. I don’t plan on ever having another partner relationship, but I hope it will help in my relationships with my adult children. Thank you!
It is so inspiring to hear you say this. I thought just learning at 52 why I'm wired the way that I am was something. I love her videos, they are so helpful in my journey to heal. I have discovered a lot about myself.
Better late than never!
I, at 73, am beginning to grow up properly.
@@lashundatibbs-tate2864 It kind of shocked me reading comments on videos like this as many of us are 50 and older. Id of thought we would have all worked this out when we were younger. But it goes to show how blind you can be even at an old age. I guess most of us older people wonder how things would have turned out if we were more awoke when we were in our 30s etc. Its a shame we cant all go back in time and change some things. They do say the road to hell is filled with good intentions. I should have payed more attention to quotes when I was younger.
I'm 57, saw the light about a year ago.... I think we get caught up in kids etc and it isn't until we aren't so 'busy' that we figure it out.
I told my friend that's what abusive relationships is all about. Now he has 3 kids with her makes decent money and miserable. He will probably be old when he realises I was right.
I knew this some time ago that narcicist exist because I was raised by one but also I just knew it was wrong. My friend also had the same and a Co dependent but just found it natural.
This is a very important discourse on codependency. Enlightenment. Stop trying to fix people. Live your best life day by day. Just be. Thank you, Lisa.
Odd you would use the phrase, “Just Be”. I used the same two words as a calming agent for my narcissist. His mind was constantly changing and shifting at Mach speed. He took 3 deep breaths and literally melted.
The part at around 23:00 is great. It describes my mother perfectly. She'd go out and "do things for you" and then make you feel obligated to reciprocate or make you feel ungrateful. It was one of her most toxic behaviours.
Always learn so much from you Lisa! Healing daily is a beautiful thing!! Gray for you! Filed my divorce papers yesterday after 30 years of marriage. Ending the toxic codependent, narcissistic relationship I was in. Ending the generational patterns. To see this sends shivers through my body! 🌻🙏I will continue to do the work! I finally love myself!! It feels amazing..I am enough!
That is courageous. Wishing you strength
My diagnosed malignant narc son has never been around much since he always made sure to opt to be transferred to Air Force bases that were far away from where I live. However, after he married a woman who I believe you would describe as a cover narcissist; he wanted to be closer to me and I was thrilled. I really thought his wife was genuine and empathic, but I found out that it was all an act on her part designed to manipulate me financially. They both pretended to want to be closer to me in order for him to get a "humanitarian assignment" due to my diagnosis of breast cancer and colorectal cancer. My doctors wrote letters to my son's Commanding Officers regarding the seriousness of my health conditions. Once they got the transfer they wanted to Dover, Delaware they abandoned me. That just shows their vile and cunning mentality. When I told my oncologist and my primary care physician what my son and his wife had done; they were both shocked and disgusted that my son would be so callous as to use my serious illnesses for his own benefit because he did not want to be transferred to South Dakota since his wife said she would go back to the Philippines if they had to follow the orders he had been given to transfer to a base South Dakota. I really am better off without those two individuals in my life. I will focus on living my best life without them in it.
Your doctor or you could write a letter to his command to let them know what happened.
I know a couple .....covert wife, co-dependent husband-she pushes & screams at him for 26 yrs - truly awful, I really wish he would STAND UP & HEAL💯💯
Don't worry he will be gone soon.
This is a really good talk. Allan Robarge also did a video ("Emotional Unavailability and Being "Too Nice") about how when a partner or parent is "nice" its a way for them to stay emotionally distanced from us. Its a way to stay superficial and not be deeply emotional because being deep requires vulnerability and honesty, being "too nice" or "always polite" doesnt require any actual emotional work and doesnt promote or allow for genuine bonding.
My mom is "too nice." I am too, but Im really working on not being "too nice" anymore. Its suffocating and stifling to the self, and you never get close to anyone if youre being superficially polite all the time anyway.
Thanks, Lisa. This particular video is one good reason why I've chosen to no longer be Religious. I was raised in a deeply religious environment. Unfortunately, deep religious beliefs can teach a person to ignore dealing with their emotions. This paves the way for everything you brought out in this video. Religious beliefs are so entrenched in our world society that I'm sure it's not a stretch to believe that most people who have been exposed to strict religious beliefs are existing in the state your video covers. Again, thanks.
Lisa continues to awaken and enlighten me! I thought I had "fixed" my codependency and was on the road to forever partner. Today I came asking the universe for answers to why I remain in yet another unbalanced relationship and again, Lisa Romano has answered the question of my confusion. I now understand, to my suprise,I need to face my childhood abandonment.
I am so grateful for your work! Thank you!
Peace be with you,
KC
“The pain body is not you it is an experience that has been interrupted as you” 🔥✨ Thank you you being 💚🙏🏼
This is so eye opening and liberating I had been praying to see what my part in the dysfunction was. I know I used to be codependent. No more! But it all makes sense I had a hole in my boat. And I see why ppl have been treating me differently now. I don’t take the crap anymore and am not rejecting self. Thanks again Dr. Ramano! 🙏🏾🔥
I am going to play this video every single day, till i re-brainwash myself
One of your best videos Lisa! It was so difficult for me to listen, because I recognized myself in every word. Clingy, obsessive, desperate, pushy, jealous, suffocating, etc. Great, great video 👏👏👏
Lisa I’m sorry I didn’t know this earlier. I’m so damn messed up being a codependent and being with a narcissist
You have just recognised something. It's a first step. Brilliant.
Lisa you just summed up my life story, it's almost unbelievable. I was listening to you with my mouth open and I was thinking "Is this me talking right now or her ? How does she know EXACTLY how I felt? What's going on here?'.... You're amazingly smart, thank you so much for shedding light on difficult experiences of my past that, even though I have made a lot of progress in my healing, still make me think "this whole thing was BANANAS" (as you put it !!) whenever I look back.
I needed to hear this today, thank you. For so long I have had a subconscious thought of "I hate myself" it's no wonder I feel lousy and unconfident 🌷
I have been in therapy since I was 4 years old. In November of last year, my 3rd husband went to jail, and I have been homeless with 4 children since. All 3 of my marriages ended up with felony domestic violence convictions and me running for my life, first with 1 child, then 3 and now 4. I was so misunderstood the only one I could turn to was my narcissistic mother who I have not spoken to in almost 5 years. Husband 3 was the first one to introduce me to the "smear campaign" concept and wow, did it work. My mother has not changed of course, but for the moment helping me is serving her agenda. I have become more and more withdrawn and more fearful of people, because even though I know my actions are not bad, and my heart and intentions are pure, I continue to find myself trusting and loving people who destroy me. I have been watching every video, read every blog, every self help book I can find and have not been able to find an answer. Until this morning. Watching this. Thank you. This is the only thing that has ever made any sense. As hard as it was to hear, you have given me the ability to take the responsibility for my life back onto my shoulders where it belongs. I know it wont be easy to to become healthy, and I know the work I have to do is going to be hard and probably take a long time. But I don't have to be afraid anymore. I don't have to be a victim. Now I know how to protect myself and to be whole. You probably just saved my life. Thank you. From everything in me. Thank you.
I am crying listening to this. I feel pain for the abandonment. I can not breathe. He pushed me away. I have been putting up with him and provided for him for 5 years.
Fantastic point about religion near the beginning of the video. I'm not going to tell my life story here, I'm just going to say that I'm the poster child for religious trauma syndrome. What you said is absolutely right.
Me too. Religious toxic teachings and abuse are at the core of my codependency issues.
One of my memoirs is called “Recovered Catholic” for a reason haha I too relate.
Im just gonna be nice to myself ❤
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for this video. For many years now I have felt guilt and shame for example how I told my daughter Rhonda once to get up right away we have to get home after a fall instead of consoling her right away when she grazed her knee after she became too heavy for me to carry home to my first aid kit while I was doing my best to protect her from her father who was prone to violence at the time after he had ruined my reputation only for awhile in being a fully competent adult myself. Now I can feel proud of how successful she has become in spite of everything our family has gone through. In a way codependency is a way to try and cover up narcissistic behavior patterns learned from family of origin through imitation when it isn't fooling anyone. My learning task right now is to avoid living vicariously through my children regardless of how much pension funds I might have to no longer sit on while seeking heathy life experiences for myself as an adult in a way which I never experienced when young after marrying right after completing high school. Like finding a job for myself that I enjoy doing so much that it doesn't feel like work.
I have experienced similar situations in my life. Thank you for the insight!
I am struggling with accepting myself. I have definitely been taught early on from my parents and siblings that I was not good enough!
I find it really difficult to navigate my "nice-ness", I tend to be very agreeable and conscientious .. I dont know how to balance what is healthy and what is not when it comes to these traits. I do know that .... I can be present and holding onto self one minute and then attuned to the energy and how I feel in the environment, only to be can flung into hypervigilance and catering to others needs the next. I really want to get it right, I know I will one day I just haven't yet found my way through the confusion. Even now as I am writing this I struggle with dissonance.
My mother used to call it being conscientious. Answer the phone professionally be a Yes Man always be agreeable customer is always right. That's Falls in with life everyone else is always right except you have no voice why is that? We're supposed to be like this this is how this realm was supposed to be filled with conscientious people who care deeply about someone else as they do themselves. It's not us my dear it's them
Do you have your top 5/10 personal values written down engraved into your heart? It took a few months but it has helped me so much. As silly as that may sound those values have now automatically become my boundaries and when I feel that tug to move I consult the values and figure out where that trigger lands, on which one, why maybe and then that focus time gives me that little pause to respond to what is happening rather than reacting... (meditation is the gym you go to imo to build that muscle) sending love... together we are better 💚🙏🏼✨
When it comes to a prospective mate you have to understand that high-value males are looking for a return on investment and waves that can be measured for a true genuine value oh, we have to be realistic, we must apply human animal science while spending many of today's subjectively derived erroneous Concepts male and female human animal Sciences. Be really really honest about what you want and need purely survival instinctual and gender relevant perspective no different than the way monkeys arrange themselves and their communities in their hierarchical structure you must be prepared to abandon very social constructs put into place that offsets the balance of Nature and the way in which we organize ourselves and I've been organizing ourselves for hundreds of thousands of years. Think of it from alphas and betas perspective. Think of it from purely survival Instinct gut feeling perspective and the answers will come very easily. Does not love at least in part require the tendency of the human heart and spirit? Maybe so for one gender and perhaps not so much for another. Please consult with Rollo tomassi the rational male.
Join the club
@@mysocalledreality very helpful, thank you!!!!
Definitely a thing for me. 5 people, all needed rescuing, and I didn’t realize I was always their sounding board and I wasn’t being caring for myself.
14:54 -You did an amazing job at setting examples and teaching your children.
Living proof that when you bounce back and work on yourself, you get results that show exponentially wonderful hard work and dedication that paid off. By being the example and teaching the worlds children how to value themselves and how far it can take them. Bravo Miss! 🌹💜😭🙏🏾🥰
Thank you Lisa, I was also adopted and placed several times in childhood. I have been attracting narcs and charter disordered people my entire life, not really connecting deeply. It has been a journey and now I am on a healing path. Thank you for bringing this to light on your channel.
This was your absolute BEST video in my opinion. Covered every single base in the realm of codepency/narcissism. Your metaphors are great, too.
Lisa this lecture made me so sad, because I was the one who would bear gifts and never could understand all the rejection. It is really hard to get this in my head. It was so sad to be exploited like. Happy to be out and understanding though. 🌿😔
I've been a codependent for decades and just found out a year ago I am codependent.. Knowing this and learning about it has improved my mental state and social relationships greatly. .
God‘s word tells me to walk in love but it also tells me to be wise as a serpent and harmless as a dove so I’m sharpening my powers of discernment so I can discern the narc and not be entangled with him and that’s my superpower
Lisa ♡ when I'm sitting here not able to do anything, I can put u on and hear ur voice, wisdom, and compassion. I don't know what I would be doing without u the past two years. Thank u. ♡♡♡
Be NICE but never put Anyone before you. You always come first. Your happiness. Your desires.
Sometimes we do need someone to lean on .... I’m going through this right now ... it’s horrible , physical,sexual and emotional abuse destroy you and living in denial...it’s so much pain ...
i love you
Lisa, I am a guy, and from my experience, you are spot on. Thank you so much.
Giving love to get love was a tough realization and I have been wondering if that made me a narcissist, and to what degree. You just explained so much!
I started crying since this video started and I am still sobbing
I love how clear the video is Lisa 😍
I also love your clear messages about the purpose of life.
Thank you for what you do love ❤️
What struck me as I listened is if I think people who spoil their children is seen as an obvious problem, spoiling an adult is no different. Expect the same results. It is like giving an invitation for a outing. Hey I'm going, wanna come? If not aok, take care ttyl. If asked to divert to a "supply task" the answer is no. " I'm already looking forward to this outing." The inner peace come from a genuine love of the adventure not the company. Like minds and kindred will be in what you genuinely have passion for.
Lisa thank you for such eye opening discussion. It has been very instrumental in my life. May God, universe and higher power bless you, this channel and those who read this massage 💥💫
That is totally correct Lisa. everyone has to have boundaries for other people to respect them. It is a total turn off after awhile when someone is doting on everything about you and obsessed with you , it doesnt feel natural at all!!
Lisa 💌 i’ve never listened to or met any therapist who breaks down this topic
with such amazing, true insight. This has been validation & life changing for so many. Thank you for bringing this topic to light. Since we are all individuals we are in different places internally & in our journeys. I find some areas of discussion may apply & some not so much if the work & growth has taken place. Another factor that I take into consideration is the spiritual factor. That’s an entire other topic, don’t want to say separate because for me it is not separate it’s an important aspect of my life ✨🙏🏼✨
Can deeply relate to this man that wrote in.
Can relate to growing up in that "perfect" (far from it) environment.
Been listening to your guided meditation. It's reprogramming.
Been feeling more "whole". Slowly but surely.
Lisa. I had to watch this extremely informative video, 5 times. During my healing walk, my codependent behaviors creep up in my current dating relations... Rejection continues but, w/ my current girl.
We communicate very well & are on different points on our healing trails from relationships with narcissists.
We wish to be healthy & you help tremendously! Thank you!
I'm getting better at realizing the codependent dynamic in my life. Doing more self care and try to listen to my intuition. Ty Lisa
I loved this thank you Lisa 💕You are an inspiration ... don’t sell yourself it’s so hard for a child to feel loved bonded and fortified when parents are suffering from their own families history
This is just what I needed today. Thank you 💓
I cringed over & over while listening to this. Realizing that at 70 I still do most of what you've discussed. Your right, repeating my behaviour over & over and all this does is enforce my desperate need to be accepted and forgetting all about the last time. Nice words, gifts - too much for most! Yeah I expect in my codependent mind I'll receive the attention I wish I deserved. Empty matrix, you bet!
At 70 you are a hero :), i can't imagine such a long life and the bullshit that must gone on in it.
@@dannym6552 As Lisa points out in her talks, mine began in early childhood with complete neglect & emotional torture. I took to heart this abuse and carried it through my life. This last episode began almost a year ago and I, for the life of me, couldn't figure out what I'd done to deserve this "friend's" wrath and emotional torment but knew I'd been thru it many times before. By accident I'd watched a youtube vlog from a psychologist who, to the letter, described what I'd just experience with this recent person. I began to watch other vlogs on narcissistic experiences. I like Lisa's down to earth vlogs and have learned a lot about myself. Co-dependance is an insidious condition and a condition I didn't know I had. Thanks to my latest encounter I'm starting to educate myself. So I'm grateful for my narcissist though afraid to let go just yet.
This is an amazing summary of exactly what I’m working on right now. It’s taken months of therapy to work this out. After another extremely painful and soul destroying break up I realised that I needed to do the work on myself to heal properly. Thank you so much for reinforcing the work I need to do and for explaining it so articulately 🙏🏻
What type of therapy u had? And did heal from codependency for good?
I’m going to watch this at least 1000 times. Brilliant
You answer something that has bean boder me all my life, I wached over 2000 videos on you tube and read so many books, but this video has all the answers for me, I mean, I am stunned. Thank you😳🙏🏼🤯😭😭❤️❤️❤️❤️
I'm 76 & I have been too nice to people for years. I hope your talk helps me to change, recalibrate.
One thing i learned the hard way about what you're discussing is doing generous favors of a lifetime for people and i never wanted anything in return but loyalty which was my mistake the same people will still stab you in the back once time has gone by since they got what they needed from you ...
You've helped me identify so much about myself. It's like you were a fly on my wall during my youth! All of this is so very insightful! A million times thank you!!!
It really does take work....every time I listen to one of your videos, I have at least a week of work on so many things. Presently, I am reallly working on just being. Also, you are so right about teaching kids and letting them develop judgement and skills, instead of trying to do everything for them. The role of parenting is an ever changing one as children and parents progress through different stages of life.
Wow lisa. You are so amazing. I have been practicing - holding onto my self, and - not justifying myself to anyone, - practice having my own views without explaining myself . It is changing me and you are right. Many people dont like it! I have had friends get surprised that i no longer need their validation. I have had former narcissistic dates come back to me in the hopes they could fool me and i held onto myself. They did not like it either. But, wooooow i felt so awesome. I felt like i was finally awake! That i knew who i am and who ive been hiding for so long. It feels amazing and freeing. I really wish i could attend your coaching program at some point. In the meantime im constantly in touch with your videos and meditations. More power and keep healing people. ❤️❤️❤️
you can come to my place any time you wish to yet we have arguments but also joke around there are sad stories and happy ones then jokes and prayer we're a christian bunch
FINALLY! An honest, believable, ah, ha moment answer! Thank you, Lisa!!
Yes for sure 👌 it’s exactly what I did and it was pulling me back to toxicity and anxiety for so long!
You need to teach yourself to be valued and worthy and loved 🥰🙏❤️
Am hanging on to every word you say. Realized that I have been playing the same game over and over. You were right in a previous lesson. Devastating that I am going to have to CHANGE EVERYTHING. At 71.
YES. Someone demonstrating that they have boundaries makes me respect them!
thats sad, you would take advantage of the kind person, and respect the selfish one. cray cray world
@@dannym6552 Danny, you need to learn about healthy boundaries because this is not the case at all.
Thanks for the comment, I ll consider it :)
This one hit home hard Lisa. Thanks again for making confusing behavior easier to understand.
As hokey pokey that sounds lol thank you for explaining it I was just going through this today and I felt like the Lord has led me to this because I sure need explaining on what just happened to me and why I keep falling into the pits Lisa you're right I have to fix the holes in my boat thank you again for helping me identify some of the holes I need to close up.
Very painful abandoning trauma, but I am very comfortable in my own skin now, I am OK, I am good, I am worthy
I have a strange combination of codependency with an avoidant attachment style, being brought up in a narcissistic home, leading me to tolerate many narcissistic personality types until it became life threatening. I would begrudgingly submit to other people's needs and resent them for it, not knowing I actually had the choice not to do what was expected of them. Not anymore, working through it. Thank you Lisa for the work you do, about to read your book on codependency.
Your work is a gift to the world Lisa. Thank you xx
Thanks it feels good how you sincerely want to help us and you never ask us to like and subscribe, I think it's because your so abundant the real reason your here is to bring a light. How could I not subscribe and like that. 👍🥳
The best way to treat anyone once their behaviour changes is to mirror their behaviour. If they don't like it and obviously u don't like it either then it will cause change or the relationship to end. Either is a win
Thank You for being a Beautiful Person for helping people. We're all struggling in our own ways to get through this life.. and it's all about learning.. if we're willing.
I think Maya Angelou, an author & poet, said "We only do what we do until we know to do better" (forgive if i misquoted). . . . . . . .I admire her gracious attitude.
My experience & observation is that we are *predisposed* from our childhood experiences & environment to behave as we do throughout life from that early *conditioning* ..and to then tolerate behavior, abuse, etc., into our adulthood.. until, unless we recognize that we don't need to tolerate what makes us uncomfortable or unhappy. Every child deserves to be happy..as often as possible. Yet children are completely at the mercy of the authorities in their environment. However, the beauty is that when we grow up, we're free..legally!! So, we can also pay attention to our feelings by learning to give ourselves enough love to heal, slowly as best possible..no matter how long it takes. The healing process will help us avoid abuse as we develop an intolerance to any type of abuse.. knowing that it not only feels uncomfortable, unhappy, etc..but also goes against our basic instinct for *survival* .
While we're all here trying to survive, we deserve to be Happy as often as possible with kindness, lovingness, generosity, forgiveness, etc.! If only we could erase, defy, resist, outgrow or overcome the painful/ abusive experiences from childhood that create life-long disadvantages..from the young-tender early years of conditioning!!! Yet..if we yearn to be strong & invulnerable..and grow up to discover that our heart is still sensitive to our 'inner-child'..we can feel proud to never become a predator!!!
This video nails it again for me. I am so co-dependent I am a professional chef and have found my worth serving others well. I was discarded after a 5 month marriage and 2 year relationship at nearly 50 years of age. She had 3 children and I have not seen or heard from them since April. I came into save her. I see the fault in it now. I lost myself in that relationship. Lockdown is solitary confinement has allowed me to learn about myself again. Thank you for being there for us that want to heal. God Bless.
I suspected my husband always texting a lady on his phone , We’ve been married for 18 years, we’ve both been happy together until recently when he switched side and I found out he has been cheating .I explained my story to a colleague at work then she introduced me to this genuine hacker, Darkwebprohacker who gave me access to his phone , I had complete access to his phone right on my own device and I could see all his activities for the past 2 years and also have access to new notifications, his text messages, Facebook messages,location, call logs, and I found out my husband was also flirting on dating sites..I love my husband a lot and I still don’t understand why he betrayed me, I have been a good hardworking wife and never for once cheated on him. I tracked him down and found out he was always going to sleep in another woman’s house with me thinking my husband is always at work for night shift. You can contact this great hacker who helped me found out the truth about my husband at darkwebprohack(at)gmail com or Whats app +19087998357 or text and call them directly on the same number.They helped me get access into his phone without even touching his phone.I have enough evidence against my husband and I am thinking of Filing for divorce.I want advice if I should give him another chance or let go ? We have 2 kids together
it's a painful feeling but I believe things happen in life it comes as it goes, as it says what doesn't kills makes you stronger
..
Lisa,
You hit the nail on the head. I am codependent, but have become exhausted as well. Moving forward I am # 1. I left a narcissist who I was WAY too nice to.
Again!!! A wonderful bundle
of information that is extremely helpful.
I’m doing the working and getting better day by day on this road of going from “Surviving to Truly Thriving.”.
Happy Thanksgiving 2020!
Thanks for helping me to heal and recover from my walk in the valley for the past 2.2 years. I get it now.
Namaste!!!!!!
Yellowbird🐥😀🥰👍🏾🦃
Good teaching is all about the ongoing learning process. Thanx Lisa. You are a great teacher.
I love the analogy of boundaries that help us appreciate a building also help us become who we are. These videos are helping me heal, Lisa. Lots of love
Alanon's 3 As come to mind here. Awareness, Acceptance and Action. Because a Fixer has an empathic and caring heart, a Fixer can be drawn into other's problems, and drama. Detachment is a helpful tool against always being drawn into other's problems. Telling someone verbally or if just saying in one's mind that , "you got yourself into this predicament and I am sure you can get yourself out of it" can be a form of Detachment that stops a Fixer from taking on someone else's problems or from taking responsibility for someone else's Feelings. Feeling responsibility for other's feelings is a big issue for Fixers. We all are responsible for our own feelings, but not someone else's. Someone can make another Mad, but it is up to mad person to get themselves glad again. Being a Fixer can be used as a strength or a weakness. Focusing on oneself with the "Fixer ability" can be a way to use the Fixer ability as a strength by using it for self care, for self reliance, for finding solutions, and for developing resiliency. One's Fixer ability can fix insecurity within the self.
I wish I knew this 30 years ago. Thank you Lisa! You have helped me so much.
Wow Lisa what a clear and magnificent explanation you gave
It made so much sense
Thanks 😍
I can’t tell you just how MUCH these videos help me!!!
In my own experience, I was trying to meet my own needs. I wanted someone there for me and to avoid being on my own. It was rooted in fear.
This is great information . I have been accused of being cold and not kind when I set boundaries. I want to be respected. I have to learn to choose my relationships and not be chosen to satisfy others wants and needs. I’m in a marriage with someone I chose, is 25yrs younger and is now becoming challenging after 14yrs. We’re working on it. Thanks for your videos. Len M. In PA
My codependency at my advance age has ended up in a fear of people. I have 3 life long close friends but keep all other people asif I have an invisible wall around me
I don't even have those friends.... I've cut out the toxic people but now I'm all alone :( It's tough. I have casual friends, but nobody I can call and cry to, or nobody I can count on to be here for me at a moment's notice in an emergency. It's really hard because I get very lonely and wonder what's wrong with me, and contemplate suicide a lot :/
@@samhhaincat2703 My goodness don't think about that, you are worth way more than other people. I had to get rid of my 2 close friends because of something awful they did to me, they were my closest friends, I was hurt for a while and I had to come to grips with the fact they were not who I thought they were. There is nothing wrong with you, you are better off alone than around toxic people. You, i time will find new friends and feel better , I promise. Hang in there and learn to enjoy your own company or volunteer somewhere at a cause you believe in and maybe you can meet a new friend!
If you can learn to trust your gut with whom to trust, it can go better. If you can learn to spread love when you can, and when it IS safe to do so, you will get more in return. Just in general.
Not fool-proof. And I can only encourage, but it's helped me a lot. ❤ ❤ ❤
wow. i'm blessed to have found your videos today. My heart feels lifted.
Ack, this made me cringe. I remember an alcoholic boyfriend who used to sit there waiting for me on a Friday night, to see what gifts I had brought him that week. People used to tell me I was "too nice" and I thought that was their problem, but really, it was also mine. It's a very hard habit to change.
Recently I got 3 weeks into a new job and realised that I could not get along with my employer, so I left, which was good, but I felt like I was the problem and was a failure. Then I realised that my predecessor had also only lasted 3 weeks with her (which I wasn't told until after I started).
This is one of the best videos you have done, or maybe I am just at the point where I can see it clearly. :)
Wow! I just realised, that I am codependent! You are really helping me! Thank you Lisa for all your work!