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Primed by Abuse in Childhood to Love the Abuser: Breaking Trauma Bonds
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- Опубликовано: 17 дек 2021
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Abuse and neglect in childhood can condition you to respond to "trauma bonding" in adulthood -- romantic attachments that are deepened by alternating love/kindness, and rejection/abuse. Trauma bonds that continue over time can weaken your self-determination and erode your judgement, leaving you in a fog of pain, doubt and confusion. In this video I respond to a letter from a young woman who was abused in youth and who now wonders if she should leave a partner who periodically rages at her -- or whether she should stay to help him calm his symptoms.
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we didn't just tolerate the intolerable, we grew to believe it was normal. crapfit was all we knew.
Indeed. I was also living in rural Sweden so my mum controlled my social life growing up. I had no reference points for what is normal. And she more or less handed med over to my sociopathic husband. Married 23 years before I finally found tha courage to leave.
But no more!
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@lenaccarlsson I wonder if there is an advantage to having reference points and knowing your situation is toxic when you're too young and powerless to do anything about it.
@@jamesmcinnis208 that's a good point. But I so wish I had woken up earlier than at the age of 45. But on the other hand I DID wake up. And got out. And started my healing journey.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy so true ❤
A shrink told me many years ago : "when you 've been given only bread crumbs all your life, since your childhood, and you have nobody to lean on, you accept anything you' re given, no matter what it is"...
That always sticks to me and it's my answer to everything that happens to me and the reason why...
I always have to remind myself this, so that I can wake me up and move on...
you still need to experience unconditional love. knowing about disneyland and actually going to Disneyland are very different.
Excellent and apt analogy.
Very much in the same vein is that a lot of really problematic relationships can seem really good, because your brain is comparing to previous experiences where things were even worse, so in comparison, the relationship (or whatever situation in life it is) can seem pretty good in a sense.
This is so true recently I quit my job and told HR a list of all the times the staff would take advantage of me - they were shocked and called it “abusive” but were also confused why I didn’t tell them earlier. It’s cuz of this..
So true... i m 50 stuck in an 8 yrs bad relationship he is an alcoholic who just wont leave as he has free room n free food .. he works with me n i cant report him as the management wld blame me..for enabli g him.he has a family back home a daughter who he is emotionally unavailable for but the thats his issue.. but for i am stuck he doesnt see i am so done with him we hardly talk.i dream of having freedom from him.i was severely abused thru out physically n verbally emotionally by both my parents..who went on to commot suicide.
Does anyone else feel more clear after watching Anna's videos? I feel like I understand myself more and more each time. 💕
It feels like cleaning up around the house (I mean in a good way, like freshening up, not in the chore sense 😊).
Yes, Anna's videos are very healing for me.
What a nice thing to say! That's the best possible outcome!
Totally
Absolutely! I can relate to much of what she says. It has helped me understand a lot of what I went through as a child. I have come so far over the years but never have I found something that resonates so well with what I have experienced (and still occasionally do) in my life. I feel blessed to have come across this channel.
I want to thank you for the tremendous work you are doing. I’m 63 and along with my 3 siblings was abused by my stepfather, sometimes mother participated, in every depraved way sexually, emotionally, verbally. I’ve suffered with depression and anxiety most of my life beginning in middle school. My youngest brother committed suicide when he was 22. I got into therapy in my 30’s and have been put on so many medications through the years. I always said I was willing to do anything to feel better and ease the pain. Nothing ever worked for long. Last year I had a heart attack and made a commitment to finally get healing. It started with the revelation that I am my own healer! I have found teachers like you and am coming out of the darkness. I am not suffering from depression like I used to. Everyday when I wake up I’m shocked and very thankful I don’t feel that heaviness and sadness all around me. I am learning to regulate my own mind and learning so much, like how to recognize and extricate from trauma bonds. I commit to my healing everyday and am working on what now? How can I serve while on the planet. Thank you so much.
Thanks. I'm in awe
I was married to a man who behaved just like Miles. He emotionally abused me relentlessly. He never touched me, but the emotional abuse still lingers many years after I left him. Emotional abuse is very dangerous, even if it never escalates to physical abuse. Melanie, please find the strength to leave. Being alone and poor is better than this kind of relationship. I wish I had left many years before I did.
I experienced it too….awful & frightening
I am also a trauma therapist and I use the term reenactment 1 million times a week to help people understand when they are reenacting their trauma. Super helpful term! I also explain to trauma survivors that when they are reenacting, it is impossible to heal because they are allowing themselves to be re-victimized.
Can people abuse others as a form of reenactment?
@@CJ-sw8lc absolutely. These types of people have identified with the perpetrator as a way to survive and they go on to become abusers
Sometimes I feel like the answers we need are so obvious, often right in front of us, but we have been so conditioned to “crap fit” that we can’t always see what is best for us. I think beginning to have boundaries is about recognizing what is intolerable and calling it out instead of being okay with it. You are allowed to say no now. Childhood trauma blurs your vision in so many ways, Anna helps people to see 20/20 again.
So well said!
-Cara@TeamFairy
You just descibed my 15 year relationship. I finally realized my own childhood traumas made me stay. I finally got far enough in my healing to walk away 7 months ago. I still feel attached, but I don't allow myself to give in. Working on me now. My love for him made me feel like I had to be there for him. I'm a giver. Too much. When he was loving and kind he was wonderful, but when he triggered, often I never knew why, it was so horribly toxic. So very exhausting for me. My father had CPTSD. So there it is. That's the attraction and the attachment. My father was extremely abusive physically to myself and my mom. My mom became an alchoholic who eventually took her life when I was 24. I never knew love. Was never told, "I love you" Only attention was negative. Now. Imagine my 15 year fiance, who's was even more severe.
I chose a man just like my father. My ex was never physically abusive, but there are many kinds of abuse.
I miss my ex every day. But I love myself enough to know I can't be in that. Thank you for this wonderful video. Another tool in my healing journey
I too didn't feel fear when my now ex would get violent and rage.. even when he hit me.. I now know it was because I was going numb, disassociating...it's a dangerous situation, it could one day cost you your life, please leave him
they hit you with words first before using their fists...notice the red flags soon and get the fuck away from them!!
Talk about parallels! I had parents that were addicts/alcoholics/mentally ill. They were both terribly abused as children. Dad, a disabled veteran, committed suicide 2 days before Christmas, I discovered him. My mom was a genius, narcissist with schyzo effective disorder. I can see why I trauma bonded with a fella that had the combo of alcoholic/ extreme mental illness. Yet during the entire time of our relationship I was 'helping him'': I was destroying my self emotionally, financially , and physically. I am currently on the road of self care and self forgiveness. As Maya Angelo say, "When you know better, you do better." Thanks for reading these letters, I discover another parallel each time.
Also emotional abuse can cause health problems and can manifest different disease..
You are NOT responsible to fix your loved ones. I have to remind myself of this constantly. Much love to you!
Thanks for reminding everyone!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I dated a guy recently who would go into fits of rage if he was triggered. Super irrational in those moments. Then he’d come and apologize to me the next day. It was just like my alcoholic father who would come home trashed and abuse us, then every time slip a little Hallmark “I’m sorry” card Under my bedroom door the following morning. I realized quickly I chose this guy because he’s like my father and I got out right away
Shout out to all the people who thought of their dad as the “good” parent because he had the option to be the breadwinner and wasn’t present in the family but let mom be the disciplinarian even though she was clearly struggling with work outside the home and picking up the second shift with the kids
Yes, my siblings and I (and all of our relatives) thought of my Dad as a saint for putting up with our overbearing Mother. But I have had to admit to myself that him working 14-16 hour days, 6 days a week wasn’t healthy or normal. And the one time I did come to him begging for help he literally gave me the “bootstraps” speech, because that’s what he had chosen to do and all he knew to do about his own CPTSD and ongoing trauma. It just wouldn’t occur to him to do anything else, so how could be help me in any other way?
whew chile! this!
I was in a long distance relationship and my boyfriend sometimes just shot down any contact, not texting me for a couple of days nor answering my calls. I was horrified during these times, very triggered and sad because he knew that it was triggering my past trauma issues, but he never changed anything of it for a long-term. It was intermittent reinforcement. When we saw each other, almost everything was perfect, but what annoyed me was that I sometimes felt that I have to take care of him as he is very irresponsible with everything in his life. I broke up with him and it was the most painful thing I‘be ever done, but in the same time it will probably help me a lot in the longrun. He was so so much like my father. The next time I will be much more cautious before getting together with someone, because I don‘t want to have something like this ever again.
unrelated but I’m forcing myself to leave the house tonight and hangout with friends instead of smoking all night by myself… thanks CCF💗
You go!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Intermittent reinforcement is the pattern that gets me every time
yup :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Yes, it's so easy to feel grateful they don't have the energy to be obnoxious. It took me a while to realize people like this spread the abuse around, and it wasn't them getting better. They so often didn't find me most worth their time as a target.
We should call you an Angel, instead of the crappy childhood fairy! Wow, This video gave me the “ah-ha” moment I so desperately needed, and in the Knick of time! I’ve spent years and years trying to figure out so many things! Thank you from the bottom of my heart, Anna. I’m 10 days away from facing my abuser in court, and I now know what to do. I’m going to stop making excuses for his malevolent behaviors, to make myself feel better, and I’m going to speak the truth. And let the cards fall where they may.
I haven’t been through anything near what the person in the letter has, but the emotions behind it resonate with me so much. My dad was my hero for so long, the “good” parent, and I was so deep in denial about all of it for so long that through most of my 20s I honestly thought I was over my childhood trauma and I’d dealt with it just because I felt I had reached a place of acceptance over what kind of person my mom is... but finally realizing the emotional abuse my dad put me through and how he, as my dad, was supposed to protect me and instead let me down big time as a kid by not doing so, was so incredibly difficult. Even harder than what my mom did, since I actually trusted and wholeheartedly loved my dad (in contrast to my mom who I’ve always had conflicting feelings about). It’s a really rough thing to go through, but I’m grateful I finally started processing those emotions, because without it there couldn’t ever have been any true healing.
Sending the person in the letter so much love and light on her journey, and to you Anna for being the wonderful person that you are and for all that you do. ♥️♥️♥️
Patrick Teahan did a video on this subject that was really eye-opening. The video is called "Was your other parent narcissistic too?"
Thanks for sharing with us
-Cara@TeamFairy
My heart goes out to Melanie so much ❤️ I have experienced similar just on a lower scale. He sounds a lot like my ex and he also had eerily a lot in common with my father. My ex was obviously hurting too which is why it was difficult to leave when he became abusive, I felt so compassionate toward him. However, I got out when I watched him rage over something completely banal and then suddenly something just clicked inside me and I realized instantly that it shouldn't matter to me why he was behaving the way he was. He was unsafe for me and that was enough.
❤️❤️❤️
Melanie - I hope you read this. I am so sorry for the fact that you were completely alone since you were born. May you find self- esteem and self- love. I hope you see that there is no frame in which to crapfit Miles punching walls. I always say, in those moments the mask has slipped and the monster is what we see - and that is my queue to get out of there. You have survived so much so I know you are so strong. I know we get sick of being strong. But strong you are.
❤️❤️❤️
Yes, ❤️❤️❤️
This is my autistic ex-boyfriend spot on. The most loving, caring, sensitive and sweet man I've ever known who I could talk to for hours and hours.. and on the flip side, sadistic, cruel and abusive.
I'm glad I was able to let go eventually after learning what a trauma bond is.
I hope the woman in the story is able to find help ❤️ Life is messy but it's not our job to heal our partners
Yet another letter I could have written myself. Fortunately, it would have been my 22-year-old self. Like the Virginia Slims commercial, I've come a long way baby.
:)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thank you for reading my letter, for your advice. And thank you for all of the love in these comments. ❤️
Are you the letter writer for this video?
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy I am, yes
I applaud your courage. Peace be with you 🌟
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy I left the relationship 5 months ago and I am so much happier now❤️
❤❤❤❤❤❤ Thank you for your letter. I needed that. ❤❤
I’m happily married to a wonderful man, and I live with an amazing mother. My husband and I are both totally blind, and we both are on the autism spectrum. I have CPTSD, and he can relate to my stories, because he went through abuse too. I don’t care how irrational I get. I would never raise a hand toward my husband or my mom. I do say dumb things whenever I’m dysregulated, but I never aim it at anybody in the house. I also try to hide my emotions and say that I’m ok and that nothing is wrong. Just because my mom and my husband don’t deserve to carry around the burden of my problems. I refuse to effect their days by talking about what’s bothering me. I’m 24 years old, and I’m putting in all my strength to heal, and I see a lot of progress with it.e
You need somebody that you can tell all of your problems too otherwise you are going to have a mental break someday after carrying the load for everyone
@@hbohanan I do tell my mom and my husband and even some of my therapists my problems. I just refuse to trigger myself, and I hate talking about stuff like that, because I don’t like to feel sad, angry, upset, or mad. I’ve had breakdowns before, but I’m happy to say that those were like 2 years ago.
Sienna Price! I’m so proud of you for being aware and working on yourself. I completely understand that you would not raise a hand to another person. My son has the same situation. I’m happy you found someone to love and to love and understand you!
Wow, thanks Anna and Veronica for bravely sharing your stories of survival and thriving through processing trauma from narc abuse. It is cathartic and so needed to hear the validation you provide, Anna, that no one gets to determine the value of our existence nor have the right to erase us. It is so heartening to hear voices of compassion and reason like yours in today’s world!
Making art also saved me as well from becoming totally lost, erased and controlled. It kept my soul and spirit alive during the darkest periods in life, when no one in my family would stand up for me, protect me but instead hurt and harm me.
It really sucks but as you and Veronica have discovered, there are other beautiful souls in the world who do love us and show us how to love ourselves in a way we were never given and taught in our families of origin. It’s never too late to realize this, and to take back our power to write the next chapters of our lives.
My heart breaks for her.. what a difficult life she has had...
Her story makes me have great compassion on her boyfriend as it almost describes my son who has mild autism and oppositional defiance. He is a victim of vaccine injury. While in the past he had punched walls and broken things, he’s never
hit a person so I understand Melanie‘s explanation though would advise anyone to leave all forms of abuse. Like her boyfriend, my son has a beautiful side.
I pray his brain will heal and he will be able to have a loving relationship though we have all suffered posttraumatic stress in my family :(
So grateful for Good Fairy Anna💙
Apparently, " crap fitting" seems to be something I ve excelled in for decades.
I did too! You can get better- I can't recommend the 'Dating & Relationships' course enough courses.crappychildhoodfairy.com
-Cara@TeamFairy
I had a five-years-older sister who was insanely jealous of me and a malignant narcissist. I remember telling our mom that, "I hate her! I hate Rachel!" My mother said, "No. She's your sister. You love your sister." I remember trying, in my five or six year old mind, to find some way to love my abuser."
I can identify with you!!!!
Louise, We shared the same narc abusing older sister. When she started emotionally seducing my 10-year-old daughter I called it quits. 50 years of abuse. No thank you. 9 years ago I went no contact forever, for the rest of my life. Done!
Thank you Fairy Godmother for your ministry to us💙
I feel like a hermit and hopeless...bc a lot of these people who abuse are also mentally ill w/ stuff - we talk like it's good v evil but it's really a hodge podge of everyone being traumatized
Good point!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Yes you are so right 💛
Totally ❤
"Crap fit move" said the fairy. I feel that I could write a book......based on your teachings.....a new kind of Fairy Tale. I have CPTSD and Codependency but i m a work in progress. I love your approach to healing......so practical. Thank you so much for your work. Greetings from Havana.
Hello Havana!!!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Oh my, Melanie. This sounds so much like my ex. A LOT of similarities. It does only escalate and it absolutely can threaten your life. My ex attempted suicide and charged at me when I tried to stop him and was so agressive at me at times and cocky about it. I was so lucky he did not do anything to me physically that night, but in truth he did because the trauma dysregulated me so bady I was never the same. I knew I had to leave after that, I knew he had it in him and in his mind I was at fault for his misery. It cost me everything, his family took the house and everything I earned, narcissitic. Compelte loss for me I vould not fight them on court I was too sick. I ended up with CPTSD and chronic fatigue, lost my job (career even) and all shared friends practically, and over a year later still struggle with trauma issues and attachment to him that I know makes no sense, so have to stay no contact and avoid lots of things. Please! Save yourself and know he won't change and it wont get better. Make an exit plan and go in secret if thats safest. Its so sad, but its not worth it. Its better to live and put it behind you, even through a hard time of detatchment, to a better life. 💗
Thank you for sharing here :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
TY for sharing your experiences 💛
What a lovely, caring, articulate person you are.
My wife attempts to fix me in my depression. When that doesn't work she gets angry and gets angry with me, she will give up and not put in any work into our relationship and our home. We have 5 kids so I dont want to leave.
I've done my fair share of anger and emotional manipulation. I'm at the point that I dont trust either of us .
I notice, too, about limerance. Is that...the relationships in which I get hurt the most, are the men who are like my dad. The men who aren't like my dad, doesn't hurt so much. I lost my dad to suicide, and I can relate to how painful that is.
So sorry, thanks for sharing
-Cara@TeamFairy
You described the feelings for abandonment melange, exactly to a tee..
I feel for her in this. My mother was the same way. My father told me that my mother's abuse should have made me stronger. Hugs, love and blessings, dear one.
I am intrigued by your statement that people in abusive relationships often say they've learned so much. I would love to hear more about that.
What I took that to mean is that statements like that are often used as justification to stay in abusive relationships.
I think people also say it when they get out of the situation. I definitely said things like "it was awful but I learned so much"
Watch the videos CCF shares ... then read the comments
Great video, I've just come out of a very similar relationship and because of my twisted past I still love this crazy woman. She left although I should have. It's a blessing in disguise. Love and Peace to all those suffering! Just get out, with your self respect and dignity.
I would leave but with my small savings even when I had 5k I’d be homeless despite my education and car, etc. i told them I’m getting a boyfriend finally and that might have triggered them more as they went searching through my bedroom, a law abiding clean 36 year old woman. Maybe they just wanted to see the room it is their house but I have tons of problems with them which is why I am subscribed here
Very glad you're here :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I still crap fit with my father’s toxic dysfunctional behaviour, (ego driven, all about him, insulting, chastising, compares me cruelly to others, narcissistic, philanderer).
I feel the pressure to be loyal and to just put up with his crap silently.
I feel guilty when I attempt to actively distance myself from him (he has this amazing ability to make me feel sorry for him when he is the one who has done me wrong, no sorries) I both deeply love and bitterly despise him simultaneously. He can’t show love or tell me he loves no matter how many times Ive embarrassingly said it to him. This has deeply affected my self worth and trust in men sadly 😢
"Emotional abuse causes CPTSD, and drives people to the point where they don't want to live anymore." Guess I needed to hear that summary. I now understand why my mother makes me feel so sick. I sure wish it wasn't so.
I'm going to have to stop listening to these stories/letters. They can be too triggering.
This is my life to a T except ky mother didn't drink i never knew which version id find and she would disappear for days. I sanitised my dad who was exactly like Melanie's dad. I'd call him crying saying we'd been evicted again and hed Just say that's very bad like Melanie's dad.
Fast forward i got married to a hybrid of my parents got divorced this year and separated 2019. Ita been like clawing myself out of hell making peace with the parents i got including my dad. He wasn't and isnt the savior i thought he was. And like melanie i thought he didn't know but he did.
Thanks anna and everyone here i get loads of insight and second hand support reading the comments.
Hi fairy. I ended up in a trauma bond that turned into two love triangles. I know I contributed a lot to that toxicity; feeling small and unimportant then caused me to want that power back. I also experienced this powerlessness when being bullied in school, so these relationships brought back the feeling of being a quiet kid who never felt normal. Now I know I’m not “normal”, I’m queer lol. My relationship only lasted 6 months really but it felt like 3 years (off and on chaos). I made a fool of myself reaching out for my ex’s birthday, but watching your videos on limerence helped. I’ve always known those situations didn’t serve me but they did at that time. So thank you for these videos. Keep em comin!!
Hi Tyler, I was bullied in school and didn't feel 'normal' because of it too. I haven't read comments before about school bullying and the effect on adult relationships, and I certainly know that feeling of being small and hungry for some power to even things up. I know that has led me to going over the top to get some of that power. I'm also trying not to reach out to my ex, but the trauma bond makes it so hard! I will look up the limerance video. Thanks for sharing your comment :)
@@moontan3927 i'm late but DONT DO IT. Hope you watched the limerance vid.
Giving me the power to see what I couldn't.
I dont know if you realise this Anna, but your authentic emotional response to each persons letter is healing in itself. ❤❤
I’m learning to set healthy boundaries after leaving my Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist and he divorced me and I got off the hamster’s wheel
One of the most difficult things I have had to consciously break free from is the ESP (extrasensory perception) that my mother and I had up until about 4 years ago when I went through an emotional break down, got really, really angry and disgusted and it went away. My mother could read my mind (I couldn't read hers) but we could both feel each other's feeling from a distance/call on the phone at the exact time/etc more so than just "mother's intuition". My mother would say she loved me soooo much (but you have to do exactly what I say and as I have infiltrated your very being then you will!!!). Sometimes as a kid I thought it was cool, but I also felt like I had no privacy. Especially as an adult. Above all else (stock standard trauma bonding that also occurred), the mind/spirit invasion was by far the worst as even away from her she was still there more than just a thought.
My dad was the elusive celebrity that would come over on Christmas morning with "big ticket" items. He left, so I was told, when I was one. My sister was three.
Although, I grew up figuring that my mom hated my dad, later on thought her bitter because she stopped dating (just one man until she told him over the phone that she already had two kids and that she didn't need one more, within earshot of my sister and me, 13 and 15) and, much later concluded that she had had dreams, made a mistake with a self centered guy and held so much hurt and regret in her heart, I feel that someone in the family should have recognized that I was a needy child from the start, perhaps approaching my mom in various ways to get me some help. It was my mom who needed a steady support person or people to begin with in order to deal with life and potential curve balls that life may through.
I apologize for my tangent.
Thank you for your changel.
i feel like i could've written a lot of this story, mom was needy and a wanker and blaming but not physically abusive, very much emotional. and then i moved in with the man nine years older and thought i was in love, and he knew he trauma bonded me with me knowing his secrets and isolating behaviors. nuts how we do what feels familiar to try to fix how we were raised. insane
Hello everyone. I relate to this so much. This is so helpful. The only thing saving me right now is that my partner actually wants help and is striving to find it. And now I’m ready to learn about and break these bonds. I’m so grateful I found you. I would love to stay in touch and speak with you sometime.
Things that helped with trauma:
Doing the daily practice on daily and past triggering situations, analysing the fears and resentments i attached to each.
Practicing gratitude daily (writing a gratitude list)
Noting down the daily or weekly life lessons ive learned ( has a great impact on changing behaviour).
Reading and listening to Quran (sorry, a muslim's privilege 😅) just kidding, it is extremely healing, and even you as a christian can listen to quran, everyone can, and its really soothing!
Thanking God for things i like about myself.
Reminding myself of things i'm good at (writing a list).
Cutting off meaningless entertainment.
Analysing the effect of my bad habits + choosing a good habit as a subtitude and writing down how that could drastically change my life for the few years to come.
Remembering death (yes)
Praying more presently and slowly ( muslims salah).
Making dua (asking God for help).
Welp, there you have it 😊💌
@teena. Good for you to try to heal! Wow! Good job you did at proselytizing! I wish people would keep their religion out in their comments.
These fits of anger, that 'Miles' is exploding with...that start and quckly escalate, sound like Autistic 'meltdowns'...once started, impossible to stop, until they have burnt themselves out.
Perhaps she understands this phenomenom, and that's why she isn't scared?
I totally emphasise growing up with abusive parents.
This relationship sounds so unhealthy, your still so young and have your whole life ahead of you.
I really hope you leave 🙏
I am so happy to have found you and your content. I’m 52 years old and finally understand why I have struggled my entire life. Thank you 🙏🏻
Isn't it a relief?!
This lady’s channel is changing/saving my life.
I went through a very similar situation to this lady. The only way forward is to leave. I had a 3 year old daughter with him when I left. Breaks my heart that she witnessed some of his behaviours towards me to the point she would try to get between us. The only way he was removed was when the police were called, he’d gone through the house punching doors so they got to see the physical damage he did before he ran. You don’t need to be around this instability for anything in the world. You are not letting him down by leaving, you deserve to save yourself and live in peace ❤
Thanks for sharing :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Absolutely! I stayed for 7 years in that woman position.......it worked really good🤣 to try to save and heal my one and only🙄 After she cheated on me I don t know how many times, she finally did the great discard and marry my new boss!!! Now she tries from time to time to date me to help her cope with her " unhappy" marriage. Thank God, and myself I AM AWAKE NOW. All my gratitude for Ms. Runkle and her videos.
Thank you so much for your support!
-Cara@TeamFairy
This is damn near identical to what living with my ex fiancé was like. Except sometimes he would get in my face, throw things, punch things near me. And also until the last two months of us being together, leech of me while also being so demanding. And not even feeling guilty that I was struggling for so long. He legit told me he didn’t feel guilty as he rubbed his dad’s notional money in my face as he would be ok no matter what. At the end he didn’t understand why I wanted to leave, nothing was that bad, even his dad (who’s seen his bad side was surprised I wanted to leave.) I want to send this to him so bad. Because he didn’t get it. And also, I want him to be better for himself, and for anyone he meets next as he is an astoundingly attractive man. As far as doing ‘work’ I watch this channel (and repeatedly try and sometimes fail following the advice here), I just started Muay Thai and kick boxing classes while I’m in school. And am trying my best to heal until I can find myself in therapy.
I feel like hugging Fairy Anna warmly with closed eyes.. who is like a Fairy comforting, understanding and guiding person.. whom one can approach like this and through course..and feel healed slowly.. ☺️
I just started watching your videos and it’s been mind opening. Thank you. Id like to know if you will do a video on how why some people with CPTSD have/find good relationships while doing no healing work and others like myself enjoy the healing work and progress and yet are still single and don’t see many healthy prospects out there. Thanks 🙏
Hi Janelle, that's a great topic for a video, I'd love to see one like that too. I'm in the same boat.
How good can the "good" be if you are getting abused in any capacity??
Fairy: Have you done any videos on helping those who go "no contact" through hospital calls and health issues? I looked, but I may have missed it. Every year, I get the dreaded text from my brother that my mom is in the hospital again. I spiral out so fast that I feel like vomiting in five minutes flat. I have no desire to go running to her aid or be upset and that piles on the guilt on top of being triggered. I feel like I did so well on the work I have been doing on self. Then these calls come and it is an INSTANT and massive trigger.
Try out the free course The Daily Practice, done daily it is a huge help to regulating- courses.crappychildhoodfairy.com
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Will do. Thank you!
Your channel is pure gold
Anna, I can relate so much to your background and I had similar fears. It's so tough to leave with the abandonment melange but you are not alone. I send a big hug from far away!
Sorry, I meant Melanie
I think I am stuck with cptsd. I can't/ won't do relationships at all. I feel like I have given up even when I know and read a lot about my personality disorder. It's just too painful, I feel like I am just going to "go it alone" in my lifetime. Sad, I know...
Small steps :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thank you for your life-saving work Anna!
Her story broke my heart 😢
Is it even possible to walk away entirely from toxic relationships? I can deciade to walk away from personal relationships that caused emotional pain in me. Then there is a job and demanding boss, sometimes emotionally absive, with anger tells me what to do, is pushy...and I get impression that I can't create life for myself where I can choose to be only with people that has positive impact on me. There always gonna be someone who will not respect me, who will give me impression I am not free. Of course I could come up with my own business, create something by myself if I had good ideas. Maybe I have closed mind and I do not see possibilities where I can free myself totally from people I do not want in my life. Maybe there is other way, only I have to meditate more.
How do we help those we love, but cannot have a life together with?
Actually, it can be crual to put demands on someone undtable and vulnerable that this person is totally unable to take om. When responsibility is onesided, but we don’t want to walk away in such a way that leaves the person totally without help & support; what to do.
The good thing about the childhood suffering is that we don’t ”trade love”, we have learned to love and care for difficult people…..
”Am I my brothers’s keeper?”
Sounds so familiar and my mother blames me. She was the abuser and dad turned blind eye. Ugh. She’d have had him arrested for something not true if he had stood up to her.
Thanks for sharing and being here!
-Cara@TeamFairy
We were programmed to fix, keep the peace , living in the flight ,fight, freeze response . We have all been neglected and abused ,born to parents that clearly couldnt parent. Once you heal and recognize your programming it's a complete turn off to get into a relationship/situationship with a disfuncual person..once you see disfuncual behaviour you run . Love shouldnt be a burden for you to carry. That's not love your care taking.
I was physically abused by my father as a infant the Dr said I would never live past 5mo it caused me to Crippled on the left side with Seizures to deal with but I'm I fighter, fighting Seizures now I've had a baby that's now 27yrs I've had to live with foster parents all my life the only family I knew when I was 16 I started everything I couldn't handle the truth I became a mean,bitter person I didn't know what to do but I did go to special schools for the handicapped children (as a child)taught me me a lot and when people tried to help me I got angry I had to show everyone I could do it I still get angry when people want to help me I will aways need physically but I can take care of myself mentally I'm really proud of myself for everything I've gotten i feel so bad that I feel like people don't like me because of how I'm it's hard for me to make friends and when I think
they are they walk away I get vary lonely and scared when I'm alone it coused to be a fraid of people especially men afraid there going to hurt me I have always suffered with depression, t.b.i
That is a terrible thing to have happen, I'm glad you're seeking out ways to heal.
-Cara@TeamFairy
Why do I want to go back to him ? It’s been 6 months and I’m still feeling the craving still wondering if it was my fault and blaming myself . I felt so strong when I ended it because I really could see the narcissistic side of him and the emotional abuse . There was also one incident of physical abuse . He had history of abuse and I saw allegations of physical abuse towards his daughter . What is wrong with me and my life that I want him to come back ??? I felt I had someone when he was around at the start he was everything I ever wanted I felt he brought me back to life and then he changed in one weekend! I’m trying so hard I’m in therapy and taking responsibility for my own actions and I’m definitely codependent
Whenever I hear about a guy verbally raging and punching walls, I think "Molly, girl you in danger" (the movie Ghost). Physical is next. 🚫
Wow wow wow
She was totally seeing her father in this guy.
Also I relate - my mom has bipolar and was
Jealous of how close we were with my dad who worked alot and drank. And I never knew which man I would get - she pick a fight and scream at me till I ran away sobbing and crying and hiding in my room. And then she would come in and look at me all concerned and sweet and say ‘why are your
Crying? I love you?”
Ugh
Thank you for going through this letter and to the letter writer. This made me cry as I see what we do sometimes. I dated guys that I thought were like my Dad but even the nice one (like my mam). My latest, always letting me down and so busy with everyone else's fires that I never have a voice. If I complain, he's got another person's problem to solve and I don't want to be a groupie. I want someone I can rely who's there for me and present. Therapy is not possible financially but I could really do with speaking to someone. He's got all these people who run around after him to solve problems. I pull back because I don't want to give my power to him but I still want a reliable partner.
I agree with Anna, punching walls goes further. It can get so much worse, it did for me. My life wound up threatened.
Thank you for what you do ❤️🙏
Thank YOU
-Cara@TeamFairy
If they're not willing to keep taking their medication, it's a no for me, bro!
Hi Anna, this video was really validating, and brought up a lot of feelings of grief, sadness, and anger. I was in a very similar relationship, and I started to feel the effects of the emotional abuse during and after. I started to feel suicidal and many other things along with the feeling of craving her despite truly despising how she treated me. I had a mental breakdown, and still have trouble getting to sleep and waking up because of it. I would like to see a therapist, but my last therapist ghosted me during lockdown and I feel distrustful of them partly because they don't even know the terms associated with an abusive relationship. Any ideas of what I might do?
We'd love to get to know you! Check out the membership courses.crappychildhoodfairy.com/
-Cara@TeamFairy
Hi Harry, I read your comment and it resonated with me. I was in a similar situation that led me to feeling suicidal, hating him for how he treated me yet craving his love also. On the back of pre-existing mental health issues I had a breakdown and took myself to a mental health ward. I'm sorry to hear your therapist wasn't informed about abusive relationships and ghosted you too. But don't give up, therapists are like every professions - there are good and not so good ones. I'm not sure what country you're in, but in Australia there are many not-for-profit or non-government organisations that specialise in families and relationships, and also DV. Sometimes your GP is a good place to start, or a local community centre. Or googling relationship counsellors. Self-help groups can be wonderful too.
I resonate with both of them so much. I've been in a toxic relationship for years. at first I never though anything of the control thinking it was a sign of love, I was young... I was told cruel things during fights and I feel over the years I've expressed so many concerns in my relationship and it seems to me nothing has changed. I feel like im going crazy. I have brought up my concerns so much my boyfriend visibly gets annoyed at me expressing myself. then after so long of feeling unheard I yell and he guilty me. im not sure who the issue anymore. im just so tired.
Either way, it’s toxic and not healthy for you. Self care firstly so you can feel ok.
Taking a step back can bring clarity and you are just fine in wanting that despite what he may say.I hope that you have that chance to reflect and get clarity.
I wrote an entire book about this and still learnt something in this video.
what if we've been married for over 20 years with 3 children? Also, the good is so great! complicated.
That's tough! I hope you won't suffer in isolation. Couples counseling?
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy we've done some. Last time we stopped due to cost. I just got a new insurance plan with better mental health coverage, I insisted!
It’s never too late to step into a new phase of life.
@@brittianyistre going through exactly this right now, it's the toughest thing ever and can't forgive my mum for what she allowed her husband to do! Really hope you're healing and happy holidays 🎅🏻🙏🏻
I've been married for 7 years. My wife and I also have 3 children under the age of 5. I've been struggling for years with my CPTSD. It's been extremely tough the last few years. I think sometimes it might realy have been triggered from having children. Seeing my children growing up and relating my childhood to it. My mind wanders so much and I feel a lone. To the point of feeling like a failed father.
Love you Anna. You remind me of myself. You are an old soul wise beyond your years, and while you are so humble and caring, you are straightforward.
When you read your incoming letters and dissect the situation throughout the process, circling things along the way, and then circling back to everything we’ve learned…your teaching technique gets to the core. I have learned so much from your channel, I am so very grateful for you. I wish you the happiest of holidays and a fabulous 2022! You most certainly deserve it. Looking forward to what’s to come!
What kindness. Thank you!
Abandonment melange - I have not heard of that but I'm going to look into it. Thanks!
It's so good!
-Cara@TeamFairy
1 minute 21 seconds into it and I'm taking a bow and definitely trying to find this link not very good at this phone and technology going to continue to listen thank you
This reminds me of one of those rat experiments. The rats hit a button, a treat would come out. They stopped releasing treats, they stopped pushing the button. They randomly released treats, the rats went psycho pushing the button. Ima escape these sewers...
Makes me think of Sheila Walsh's "Honestly.". Maybe, Anna, you can do an episode about the effects of suicide on loved ones left behind?
Thank you have really helped me please keep up your videos. Knowledge is the first step to healing. X
So true!
-Cara@TeamFairy
why would you want to be with this man get out please.... stop making excuses for him... he will never change!
you are craving the love of your mum and because this man knows this he is treating you like your mum did.... please dont let him do this YOU are only 25yrs old you have your whole life in front of you, get out and have fun you only live once hun, good luck 🤍🕯💫
Thanks for chiming in!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Run Melanie, run!
bless you, angel lady!!
In the letter Melanie says she moved in to a shared house and that’s how she met him. I don’t recall her saying she moved in with him bc she was dating him, but rather that she moved in to a community house and he was living there and that’s how they met.
Also, where does she say she ended the relationship? She says she broke it off but that they got back together a month later and then lockdown happened. To me it seems they are still together..?
I appreciate how you respond & interact with your channel 👏 I'd love to email you and have you circle a few things 😊 I'm presently free of dating dead weight to focus on my healing. Recognizing what needs to be circled is a real treat. Thanks for the videos
What if our trauma started in the womb? My mom attempted suicide because she was pregnant with me because my Dad and the family were angry with her for getting pregnant again without his knowledge she was trying. I've never felt Like I belong here.
Hi D.
Mine started from the womb too... I was the " secret" child...so baggie clothes hidden with tight bands around belly whole pregnancy...my mom was scared , single and pregnant at 18. She never came around, she is too far gone...I grew up being the adult and parenting myself. Just recently in my 30s I'm getting awareness. I'm so thankful because I'm a mother myself and my hate has now turned into compassion in which I'm transferring to myself because that's literally all I've got so far in my life... myself.
You belong here 💙
Absolutely, Gabor Mate writes&speaks about it.
I love her evaluation of that
when we get dysregulated being out in the world with other people ?
have you a video for that please ?
I get the abandonment melange even when no one’s abandoned me
yeah I tend to torture myself before someone else can do it to me again!
Good video.
Glad you enjoyed it! -Calista@TeamFairy