I am done accepting the unacceptable!!!! It feels so much better to just accept what’s healthy, even if it at first it’s not as exciting. I love this ❤❤❤ thank you!! No more false hope!
@@valeriemyers1780 I agree! It’s exciting but not quite like the rush of getting that hope dope 😭 it’s a different more calm exciting for sure! I appreciate you saying that!
@@melanimontemayor you’re so not alone in this!! If it give you good hope, right now I’m talking to someone who really shows up for me and even though it wasn’t as exciting at first, it feels EVEN better now.
A friend from university once said: "Hannah you don't have to pick up every bit of trash that falls at your feet!" because of my tendency to "see the good in and stick around" people that were very obviously not good for me. I never forgot that. Took a while to sink in though.
I've basically defined myself as that person that can endure everything because that's what my childhood made out of me and it's true, I had surgery that necessitated opening the major veins in both thighs and to prevent them from reopening they put large sand bags on my legs, they were very heavy. The pain from having them on there became insanely bad, I kept begging the night nurse for more meds but after a 5 hr surgery they refused to give me more and the old woman in my room was aggressively complaining about not being able to sleep. I spent that night silently crying, trying whatever I could to get through the night without inconveniencing anyone. Next morning the doctor came in and was horrified, the nurses were supposed to take the bags off after a few hours, she told me if she had to go through that she would have screamed until the whole hospital was awake.
That is horrendous. I'm so sorry that happened to you. Yes, some of us don't want to "bother" anyone even when we are in pain, no matter how absurd the situation may be. We endure.
Thank you for sharing this… I identify 💯… I also think that medicine is filled with extreme sexism… it’s as bad an issue as the money motive… a very controlling atmosphere… it’s not collaborative when it should be… it’s your body, your health… you should be able to ask questions… you should be able to ask about research, show research… ask about alternatives… and yes either the issue of pain, I had so much of it but saw quickly you have to hide even extreme pain or the sexism/dismissal shows up… but with sexism it’s a no win situation , because even though I mastered stoicism with pain, THEN they think how could anything be wrong, you seem fine, when you report extreme pain! I’m in a better place health wise in some ways~do everything with diet tip top and supplements and manage pain and frequent ups and downs with my healthy naturally, but even for basic testing that still has to be done, I wish I could just stay away all together. I’d rather get a kick in the shin than go to a doctor. It’s stressful. Wish I could find a decent doctor again. It really makes a difference. 💜Hope you’re doing better with your health situation and overall as well.💜. Leaning to be kind and validating to myself with whatever I’m dealing with health wise and just take care of myself. This treatment can wrongfully make you feel bad/guilty on TOP of not feeling good/pain!!!
Oh my! So sorry for your pain. May God bless you and heal you! I find I also have learned to tolerate way too much because of what I learned in childhood... for me it is abuse in the work place...long story.
@C.W. I feel you. 💔I FEEL these words that you’ve just spoken.💔 We we’re trained to just shut up. Shhhhh. Don’t say anything. Don’t inconvenience anyone, because dammit we’re just not worth the inconvenience. I am sorry that you were treated carelessly. I am sorry that I was treated carelessly, but at 52 years old, nearly 53 and with a lot of shadow work done during the past few years I feel that I am deep into my healing journey and my eyes are wide open to the mistreatment that I endured when I was young. I can smell a manipulator coming from a mile away, and now I know how to handle the situation at hand. Happy healing to you❤
I'm starting to NOT fit people's expectations lately, saying no when I feel like it. It feels AMAZING. I don't know why I did not start doing this before, it feels like I respect myself and the feeling is amazing. After 30 years performing the "cool guy who is ok with everything" (I am NOT a cool guy who is ok with everything), it feels incredible to start being authentic. The most fascinating thing about doing this is how quickly you can disappoint everyone around you. Being authentic makes it so easy to find who is a narcissist around you: 10\10
I’ve been studying Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, it’s amazing!!! Between that and saying NO more, I’m feeling sooo much less stressed and more at peace. 🙌
I’m doing same after decades of crapfitting on steroids….Oh to go back….all of sudden my circle became very small….lonely those who respect & treat me well are allowed
I’ve been crap-fitting my entire life and it has cost me greatly. I don’t know how to leave when I know I’m being used. Instead, I lash out, then second guess myself, then feel bad, then apologize. Rinse and repeat. When triggered, I become a dysregulated-mess. I’m now purposely isolating myself socially because the pain from consistent interpersonal trauma is stopping me from enjoying anything in my life right now. I know I have a severe fear of abandonment with very low self-esteem. I feel so numb.
@@photographylover87 3 narcissists/borderlines in a row. The last one was a FWB who didn't care about me at all yet was insatiable for sex. Energy draining nightmare and I'm an open wound as a result.
@@hoosfoosfull I’m so sorry for your pain. Feel free to PM me if you’d like to vent. I recently experienced the same; a “relationship” in which my only value was my body. It was very traumatizing. Needless to say, I feel extremely empty right now. And alone.
Hi Alyssa🌻 It took me a while to learn this but I want to share it with you. People are going to be in your life if they choose to regardless of the type of relationship you have. I don't expect anyone to stick around. Just like I don't require myself to stick around if I choose not to either. If someone I cared about dips out...So be it. I no longer see or feel it as abandonment. It's just a change. Yes I can feel bummed out about it, but at the end of the day I have no control over what someone else does. That's ok. What's waaay more important is: That I don't abandon MYSELF for someone else. I've done it before and it sucks. I will never be alone because, well..I will always have Me. Sure, I might feel lonely sometimes. It passes. I've also felt MORE alone when sitting right next to someone I cared about. It's important to cultivate, prioritise & nurture the relationship we have with ourselves before anything else. I've learned (*&still learning) how to be my own Best Friend. Not only does ahe know everything I've been through...She actually gives a shit about me. She wants the best for me. Whatever that looks like. She loves me, holds me accountable, She celebrates me & even makes me laugh! It is the most important relationship I have. The relationship you have with yourself is too. No one can really abandon you, unless you abandon yourself first. Sending you lots of ((((love))) ❤
Its so hard knowing at times what is crap and what is something that is difficult in a good way for growth. I walked away from jobs and people when I thought they were stressful or bad. Then I tried seeing "the bright side". Sticking with stuff because I was told it gets better. Sometimes it did and sometimes it didn't. So hard to know when to hold them and when to fold them.
I relate to this 100%. Ugh!! It's frustrating. Sometimes, I think I'm doing so well. Then a big slap in the face that idk how to have friendships. I know people are human and make mistakes, but I'm starting to feel like I'll never be a good judge of character. It's easier to stay alone.
I think maybe it’s best to judge the situation for what is and the growth will take care of itself. I believe everything is always working out for our good regardless of whether we keep the right or wrong people and situations.
I’m all too familiar with this type. Bread crumb, suck you in, and the hope burns eternal that they will be different when they come skulking back into your life. However, I managed to cut the last one out for good in January 2023. It was a victory and I haven’t fallen into the trap since.
He's using her for an "emotional booty call" but he can't sustain that emotional engagement long term and he knows that. He's taking advantage of her susceptibility to fall for this
Same here- tonight is the first time I’ve heard of this. Fortunately I did have two wonderful parents and a great stable home life growing up- however there were several incidents from the people in my hometown, bullying etc. I’ve only begun realizing this concept of crap fitting and unpacking where it came from over the last two years. I’m in my 40’s - never too late to get right with yourself 🩷
Sweetheart, you’re so young still and have so much life and time ahead of you. One of the hardest things to accept is that your sincerity, honesty, and good intentions aren’t always mirrored by others. I always thought that because when I express my feelings I mean them, everyone else is the same way. It took a devastating breakup to realize that people say all sorts of things to get their needs met, and that some will outright lie. You deserve so much better. ❤
" to fit yourself to unacceptable situations and to see love where there was no love". That really impressed me. I have stopped deliberately doing the crapfit some 6 years ago. It is amazing how few people I ve found that I dont have to crapfit with or for whom it is NOT okay to be opinionated about nearly everything or everyone. Those few that are there, I cherish.
From 15:42 ... I did exactly that. Wanting, waiting, being cool... but not 2 or 7 years or even 10. I did it for over *30* years (counting from age 16). Nearing 50 I was so desperate to marry that I let the love bombing take over the red flags... someone finally wanted to marry me? He had unacknowledged CPTSD and it ended very VERY badly. One day I hope Anna might address a video to those of us who are not 20-something and who made repeated mistakes, knowing nothing about CPTSD (or even that we might have it) or about crap fitting etc. (I probably should try writing but I suspect hundreds or more already do!)
I have people pleased for most of my life and I’m glad I’ve woken up, but what to do when you have nothing but associates who expect you to play a role? I’m 69 and after my alcoholic husband died in 2009 , I’ve stayed alone. Upon venturing out again I find I’m drawn to unavailable people. I’m going to take your course. The pain of looking back on my life and wondering if I’ve ever known real love is tuff to face. Blessings to your work. I have cut off with my late night gentleman caller who is always falling for another woman, but I’m the one he calls. Too much.
Hugs to you. Good job to cut him off, you deserve to be treated so much better. So difficult and painful at first and hard to reject the attempts to reconnect. Stay strong. Every other kind of company is better than that.
Yes. Thank you. I’m only losing a false hope, not anything real. No more playing along with lies. No more ignoring my own needs. ❤I’m still working on it and I’m 50
I love that term crap fitting for breadcrumbs. It’s so accurate in describing the situation we find ourselves too often in. I stopped doing that a while ago and now I’m trying to get myself out of the isolation I put myself in.
this helped me get rid of the fear of not belonging. It is I who decide who is in my circle and who is not. From a passive position, I shifted into an active position: I get to choose who will be in my circle and who will not. 🙂
These videos are therapy for me, in the beginning they were hard to watch because they require you to face yourself and your dysfunction but now I rewatch episodes to serve as reminders for what not to do anymore
I'm really glad they've been helpful. I know how difficult it can be to face yourself and your struggles, but it is critical to healing and it's amazing you're putting in the work! -Calista@TeamFairy
It’s helpful to keep learning so we can figure out how to change! It’s a bad feeling to be reminded and getting triggered is not fun, but think beyond that to a future point where you want to be and follow the path this lady sets for us to get there! Twist it into positive change! We can do this 💪🏻
It sounds like my 8-year relationship, but I moved away and it's been over for a long time. It hurt, but the distance helped me stay away from my often adorable emotional vampire.
The opening lines 😂 been there many times… the hope that maybe they’ll love you or there is something you can do to make them see and love you - that is an illusion. Save yourself- see and love yourself instead 🤗 sending out lots of love to everyone here
I stopped one of these scenarios much sooner than I would have in the past. Getting better at spotting them sooner. It gets better! I'm even starting to laugh at these people. Love those jewel-toned shirts on you, Fairy! Thank you for your service.
No one crap fits like a twin flame/soulmate hook. extreme highs when there's a connection, then extreme lows. "hope is the dope!!" Love your work and verbiage.
And Anna you nailed it with that weird way some people get off on saying “oh I crossed the line” or “I said too much.” What is up with that!? That really is a thing.
I get all that with men. In fact, I’m so good at spotting who’s bad for me that I don’t even look anymore. My problem now, is that all three of my best girlfriends died, one right after the other, around fifteen years ago, and I’ve found no other women to replace them. All I find are people/women who are narcissistic, whose relationships are mostly transactional. They show up all perky and interested in being a “friend” when they need something. Then they don’t show up again until they need something again. It’s distressing. Don’t know how to overcome this because when I go out there and try things, invariably I’ll get triggered. Where the hell are the nice,inviting-you-in-people?
A big part of my family is a big narc clique. Earlier tried to crap fit but divine intervention told me to be alone with my kids . Nearly 30 years now happy and God provided the family I needed genuine and loving. Recently a family priest tried his narc right to meet me and my family..... Flatly refused and super happy..... thank you Jesus 🙌🙌
I only wish I had had this much insight and maturity at age 26! Mary Claire you are so strong, I know you can cut this guy off and hold out for what you want. Wishing you all the best and good luck with the bar! (Although I have a feeling you don’t need any luck! You got this!)
Anna, in 2022 I discovered your channel, and let me tell you, all of your content hit me hard. I binge watched all your videos and cried and cried, knowing how much work I have ahead. You are talking about my life and you help me find solutions to my problems, thanks to you I now have hope that I am going to find a good man and that I am not destined to die alone.
Wow! My second video, and I'm floored. Answers!!! Explanations with the lights going on! I am 66, and thankfully married to a wonderful man, but geez, how much less trauma if I had known these things when younger. I have some health issues to get through before being able to sign up for your coaching, but it is clear you have insight, a gift that hits home with all of us. Thank you!
Thank you for all you do. I have a "friend" who sometimes doesn't answer my texts, doesn't contact me when she comes to town, yet tells me she loves me. Bye-Bye. I had another one who kept trying to convert me, constantly interrupted me and once told me she had more money than me. Adios to that one too. No more crapfits. Like your lipstick here.
I needed to hear this today! I have been crap fitting with someone for nearly 3 years. I have done it in past relationships as well. I also had an unstable and volatile childhood. I learned early how to self soothe and believe that I could do anything I put my mind to. Every time he comes back and then does the same bread crumb crap, I just sink into sadness. He had a sad childhood also and I think I feel like I can show him that unconditional love exists but he has nothing to give back to me. Well at least, he chooses not to.
You and other amazing “therapists “ have helped me so much! I had parents described in the letter. I have a doctorate in crap fitting… until I went no contact with my family. It’s like being an addict in recovery- you can’t go back to the toxic environment that got you into trouble in the first place. Sign of my healing; I dumped a guy after 3 months of calls and texting, but not being asked out on a date. He’s obviously not interested in building a relationship. That’s okay, but I don’t need a texting buddy.
Great video as usual! "Don't be that girl" felt kind of shaming. I'm also very sensitive to having been that girl until my mid 40s. "You don't have to be that girl" feels more empowering. Thanks for another spot on video CCF!
You weren't "that girl" then, either, because we just didn't understand any of this stuff. I was "that girl" out of total trauma and ignorance about it, so I am not going to label myself that way. It just adds to the unnecessary shame, imo.
The three consistent emotions I keep hearing are fear, grief and longing. It's what keeps us trapped in bad relationships because our parents/caregivers wouldn't let us express anger. Anger is the boundary emotion. It lets us know when we aren't getting our needs met (think of the angry howls of a baby not getting its needs met). To escape the cycle of fear, grief and longing we need to get in touch with that anger to learn what our needs are so we can learn to ask for them to be met. And to let go of people who can't or won't meet our needs. And 26 is a great age to do this work. I was 26 when I got in touch with that simmering anger I always felt but suppressed. Once I knew why I was angry it started to fade and I was able to use it to create healthy boundaries. Yes, I made mistakes and had a few unfulfilling crapfits (jobs, frenemies, commitment phobic boyfriends), but I saw the dynamics sooner and was able to get out of them so they couldn't damage me.
Such a great video, thank you Anna! I made my own version summary of it, which goes like this: “Stop the crapfitting. You were primed by your neglectful and abusive childhood to tolerate crap and to somehow make it work for everybody by shutting down your own needs. And then in adulthood you are still fitting yourself to crap, tolerating people (family members, friends, lovers) who know they’re not giving you what you want, but they give you just enough HOPE that you will keep letting them in. Set your own standards and believe in them. You get to decide how you want your relationships to be. If you think nobody would put up with that, you’re actually hanging out with the wrong people. If you hold onto your standards, you will find the people that match them.”
Anna....thank you. Beautifully expressed. I will listen to this a few times. I need it to sink in. I have a right to have needs, have those needs met and be treated well. Sink in will ya?! lol.
This letter represents so much of what my childhood was like, and her feelings as well. I'm glad she's so young and has already managed to be aware of what she needs and who she really is. I'm 57, and it's been only 7 months since I started to realise all these issues. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for watching and for your comment! You still have a chance to heal! If you haven't already, try Daily Practice. It is a good tool that can help with getting regulated. You can try it in a free course here: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice Nika@TeamFairy
You have a heart of gold, CCF, you tell it as it is and show that there is always a silver lining for everybody, no matter the circumstanses, and I love you for that. ❤️
What a crappy situation really! We take the role of emotional dustbins for ppl to dump their traumas on! Been there, done that. Now, I find such people totally boring and total no-go!
I am so grateful for your advice! The moment I decided to forge a fierce allegiance with myself and be my own best friend, I started to see the good that is out there, waiting to be found... Your videos were a huge turning point for me. 💜Much appreciation
Get out while you can, while you are still young. Cut this person off completely, don't date anyone for a long while, take Anna's dating course. You don't want to end up in a 20+ year marriage with the realization that the crap isn't going to change, ever. Best of luck to you and you can do it!
I've tried posting a comment a couple of times now. Hopefully this one sticks. Unlearning crap fitting helped me lose over 100 lbs. If anyone's interested in that story I'll share. I'm glad content like this exists so people can get the insight and help they need.
@@snapdragon909 That's harsh, it wasn't my intent to spam. I just wanted to contribute to the discussion here, giving resources that helped me improve gives me some solace and hope.
@@snapdragon909 This wasn't a pitch, I was just trying to be part of the conversation here, I did not realize that sharing an article related to this topic would cause this kind of friction.
@@mariad1151 I'd be happy to do so, I wrote a longer article on it but I will summarize it here. I struggled with obesity for most of my life, I grew up in an obese community and food was a coping mechanism. This community was also chaotic and pathological, so I developed limerence in high school and this is how I lost 100 lbs. the 1st time. I kept the weight off for about 5 years. I was an overachieving student, got scholarships to go to college, but the dysfunction caught up and I suffered a massive breakdown. Psychiatric abuse compounded with other variables made me gain massive amounts of weight back and additional disabilities. I would eventually flee into homelessness, then overseas to live as a hermit with my partner. We both have CPTSD but she has more disabilities than I, so I'm her caregiver and we make projects online to heal ourselves and help others. The first three years were rough, I had maybe 4 hours of sleep on average and I woke up to my partner shrieking from nightmares, so this caused us to crap fit to unhealthy people online out of desperation. This town is hostile towards LGBTQ people and people with disabilities so we've got to lay low here for our safety as we do our best with our work online. When I learned how to heal my limerence and when I unlearned crap fitting, and when I found effective treatment for my drug resistant depression, I was able to lose over 100 lbs. again and keep it off this time even while struggling with chronic fatigue. Learning self worth is what I wanted to share here. Even in these circumstances where I've been afraid for my partner's safety in this town for 8 years while we struggled to earn out way out of here in isolation, there's no need for crap fitting.
I'm finally really understanding what you mean by crapfit and seeing how I do it in every area of life. Such a wake up call! It would be nice to experience what happens if I'm honest about my needs and desires.
This is so true. One thing a relative told me when I was young was “you’re really good at adjusting to different situations”. Lol yeah I wasn’t but I had to.
I like the term you use, crapfitting. Very good video. It is hard to give up the patterns learned in childhood, but you are doing a great service by pointing out how we can unwittingly sabotage our own happiness. I'm so happy this young woman is 26. She can turn that ship around!
Omg. My actual name is Marie-Claire. 😮And so much about this situation really resonated with me. I am older than 26, and I sure wish I could have understood this more at that age. I’m on the path of awakening and self care, and have fallen off so many times. This is super advice and there is so much clarity in this message. I needed to hear this now. My friends often say that I’m so “easy going”. In high school I was “too nice”. Some have definitely observed that I date almost whoever comes along that is interested in me, as if I have no standards or self worth. And that I have “such a big heart, and see the good in everyone”. Basically I’m a walking doormat. Still. Realizing this is painful. There is still that “it’s fine” attitude and “make it work at all costs” outlook. I had an emotionally rocky childhood. And how little I knew that it would affect me so much even now. I’m seeing now that the issue is the beliefs I picked up as a child…. I just thought I have trouble saying no and needed to just work on that. But it’s so much deeper than that. Thank you for saying that emotionally healthy people fall in love with your real light-shining soul, and that I don’t have to play it cool to be with someone who will realize that they love me….. and to walk away and not give love or emotional availability to someone if it’s not reciprocated. Not to create a bond with someone and get attached when I know we aren’t on the same page about emotional commitment. I don’t want FWB. I actually want a real relationship. I don’t think I’m ready for one, after all this apparent damage. I keep saying I don’t know what I want and a friend of mine used to get mad at me and say, you do know what you want. You’re just not saying it! I was also told I’m not being authentic. Which I take to mean now is that I am not fully recognizing my own needs and wants and making those important. And I’m not “really living” until I see that.
"if you hold onto your standards, you will find people who match your standards, they are out there." Indeed! I'd even add, that if you're always busy being in crapfit situationships, then you'll never find the people who actually fit your standards!
I got a divorce from a guy I was with because I was crap fitting. I recently met a guy that’s 20 years older than me. This has been the healthiest relationship I’ve been in so far.I’m not concerned if this is my forever. But it teaching me to value myself.
Omg to be so young and self aware of what she wants! That's powerful! After getting in a limerant situation which turned into more like "trauma bonding" and realizing like, damn, I'm The Energy Vampire, I'm the one really getting the most out of this, I quickly found the kind of person I want to be and the kind of people I want in my life are *not that*! I hope she keeps it up and I hope the dude can find his own sense of happiness cuz this ain't it!🙏💗💗💗💗
Appreciate you encouraging our letter writer and for sharing your personal journey. It can be hard to come to a realization like that, but sounds like you triumphed and have a happier and more fulfilling life now. Congrats!! - Ashley, Team Fairy
Thank you for this video. I was involved with a beautiful soul but they were also an addict/mentally unwell and they recently passed away. I have realised that I have been beating myself up for cutting our connection. I needed to be reminded that I used to be always trying to 'fix' them when in reality I had my own C-PTSD and finally put myself first to try and live the healthiest life possible.
Anna nails my (and our) experience again. The 10% of right experience becomes 90% built on limerance/ wishful thinking. And then, back into the emotional chaos. Your videos are thought provoking. Thankful for the Daily Practice, Anna. 🙏 It saves lives... in particular, my own!
I did have alcoholic parents, but they weren’t abusive per say. Most of the neglect came from being bullied for years by a peer, in my small town where there was no real escape, and from an early age. This counts, right? I always feel like I have to explain where my CPTSD comes from, because my parents weren’t all that bad.
I TOTALLY feel you. I did have some issues with my parents at different times in my life but the relentless bullying I experienced at school, even by "friends" was probably the worst.
I agree that it’s a blind spot because we don’t know any better; it was our norm. And if there is a repetition compulsion, it’s only because we don’t know there’s a healthier way. It’s a hope-dope belief that maybe trying to make it work the only way we know how will magically bring about a healthy, stable relationship. I don’t believe that the repetition is because we believe reliving it will make it different.
Thank you Anna for this video! I needed this content to strengthen my courage to prioritize my needs and wants, very timely! LOVE the part about working on pursuits and building a tribe, it’s so crucial to be able to feel safe to share the bright shiny version of yourself 💕
Dear Viewers, if you look for advice in this video, please don't look any further. Anna knows exactly what she is talking about and provides practices that work. I wish I had this knowledge before, I learned it the hard way. Anyway, the lesson's learned but it would have been much easier had I known what Childhood Fairy shares here!
In my life, I've noticed two things about this topic: 1. True love takes a lot of personal attention to show up and be authentic, self-less, present, at your best, and goal-oriented in the relationship. The relationship needs a purpose and direction to thrive. 2. Crapfitting, all you have to do is show up. The relationship is usually open-ended, and lacking any concrete direction beyond getting surface needs met. If you got hurt doing all the work of true love, it's easy to not care the second or third time with someone else. It doesn't hurt as much if the Crapfit relationship crumbles or disintegrates.
Love your advice your heartfelt insights.. I’m sharing w friends here in Mexico City who I am sure will also greatly benefit as I have with your great channel !
Dear Anna, I’ve lost a lot of friends to early death and mental illness and having to leave the San Francisco Bay area to go into hiding from the violent narcissist who disabled me. I’m 65 years old now. I used to feel sort of permanently 27 until I went through this last year with no heat because of woodland rats getting under the house and doing damage. I mentioned this because it triggers my daughter who has had two traumatic brain injuries and has decided that to get better she has to not have contact with me anymore but the traumatic brain injuries came from being rear ended in traffic accidents. She has a counselor who’s telling her that she has a traumatic brain injury from the fact that I was suicidal while I was raising her. I never acted out in front of her. I own that I spoke about it I have apologized and done my best to make amends. I was savagely abused from the time I was an infant and was suicidal from the time I was a little kid and have dealt with it all my life. Anyway I heard you say take a couple of years and I thought about my earth age of 65. I know what it is to love and be loved but I don’t think I’ve ever had that with someone healthy. I’ve done a lot of work on my healing but I’ve been retraumatized a lot that I can’t go into here but just in the last year, stacked traumas and really bad economic impact! I want to take your classes! And I need to be part of your community. I’m so isolated & exhausted that I feel it’s killing me and I don’t wanna die. It’s true that I lived a lot when I was still alive but it’s horrible being dead but still being alive, if you know what I mean. I realize that I feel bad every day and I can’t stand that anymore. I’d give anything for one true friend or one loving attentive family member. I feel being this alone all the way to the center of my bone marrow. I think I need your connection Boot Camp I can’t be this alone and sad anymore.
Story of my life, together with being an avoidant :/ Had mostly flings and thought this is who I am, because I am dead afraid of commitment with the wrong person, more than anything
Life isn't either a Barbara Cartland novel, nor a Harlequin Romance. Read a bunch as a teenager - amazing amounts of crap -fitting in that literary trash. Maybe that explains their popularity. Great podcast. Thanks.
I've dealt with a similar "type". Got a downgrade to a side chick after what I thought was a 3 year friendship. I'd tell him off several times and initially he'd back off just to try again later. Then I had to tell him several times that I want to break it off, he'd say he wants to stay friends but really just waited for me to slip (and I did several times). I had to cut him off completely. It was such a shitshow just thinking about it drains me.
It’s stunning to realise how much we let ourselves be taken advantage of coming out of these emotionally neglectful families of origin. If the shoe was on the other foot, I wonder how you would feel using someone for sex and free therapy? Treating them like a convenient pit stop or fuel station.
As time progresses from getting sober and seeking treatment for my mental health, and improving my physical health while I'm at it, it's constantly worrying me that my life situation now might be a crap-fit, but then I realize the points that don't match up; I'm less than a social butterfly, I'm not employed due to medical issues, not interested in higher education unless it's in state or from home... so really I'm not crap fitting anything to my own understanding. Especially not romance or people otherwise... just kinda coexisting there, no romance being sought, no real friendships being nurtured presently... dunno not really observant on that end of things due to a severe lack of trust, but also working on it though. I'm not seeking social or romantic situations and instead just learning how to live my life as it is, and for what it is rather than fixating on what might be better or how much better anything else is or may be. Don't get me wrong, cause I'd love to fix some of my physical limitations and live just a massively more active physical lifestyle like I did before being given my medical restrictions. But I'm accepting, that for now. I just can't. At least as far as our medical field has allowed me to know, at the present point of my life. Sadly it simply is not in my cards. If it's the case that my medical professionals are incompetent from overload of case files, lack of specialized knowledge, or whatever field focused reasoning, then cool.. I'll work to make my necessary changes and fast. But, until I'm shown different evidence/ proof. You know too prove different facts... Well it's probably best summarized by the movie Passengers - "You can't get so hung up on where you'd rather be that you forget to make the most of where you are."
My mother came yesterday to visit me ( trauma bonded with a mother with narcissistic spectrum) after a long time i felt having good time with her but since morning she started demanding n crossing boundaries which triggered n irritated me she had come to stay with me for some days but by evening the temperature around her arose n i asked her to leave immediately she began to became abusive n started banging n kept the front door opened threatening me let the neighbours listen to our altercation ...i was so scared but calmly I went and closed the door she was bent upon creating a drama that i have been witnessing since child hood ,am 50 n she is 70 now. I am a single parent of an adult son.. i asked her to leave immediately which i as a submissive daughter had never done that but this act of mine left me confused about me.. which was mixed with aggressive behaviour, guilty n then feeling better n light. Something changed. But since am into Buddhism which talks about respecting n owing gratitude to your parents somewhere is telling me to feel guilty.My mom is staying alone since last 5 years as my father left us. She is battling with her victimhood n blaming everyone else for so many things.
There's definitely a balance. I don't want to cut out everybody that makes one mistake, like they looked at me funny, or something! People aren't perfect and I get cutting people out who drain you, or who are constantly a jerk, but I hope there's a balance for most people. I see too much of unforgiveness in American culture; It's like someone makes one mistake and then they get cut out forever.
When you look at it that way it's so easy, it's so obvious that this guy was using her, or at least not giving her what she needed. So then of course she has the right to choose someone else. Cuz really that's all it is, it's a choice. 🙂 And she's not judging that other guy, she's leaving him to be himself. She's just saying "I don't want to be with you."
I never wanted my mothers affection. Always seemed fake or she had another motive. Like today i am all she has and she lays all this guilt on me and she is always sick well claiming to be ?or needing something else from and she does nothing but stay negative and draining to me. Very hard to be there for her and nothing i do for her is ever ever enough and he forgets anything i do for her . I know she is getting older and she is scared but i cant be everything for her or fix her life choice.
Hello CCFairy! I’ve experienced amazing Healing through your courses and coaching with some of your coaches! I don’t know how to get this burning question to you…..WHY ARE SO MANY OF US WITH C-PTSD SO RESISTANT TO HEALING? I have several 12-Step Program friends and my own sister who all had traumatic childhoods and have the symptoms. I’ve tried to turn them onto your Program. I DEVOURED your program once I found it! Why do so many of us seem not able, not ready, and/or not willing to even check it out?!!!
Victimhood is an easy copout from personal responsibility regarding why our lives aren't what we want them to be. It's work to get up from being ran down. Not everyone has the salt.
Wow this is so insightful! I am dating someone that is crap fitting to me and it feels very unsafe actually. She keeps proposing things for “my sake” that I might want to do “if I like”. Sometimes that is true, and sometimes it is her way of asking for what she wants/needs. I don’t know the difference and it makes any time she does this feel like I am falling short. I can’t actually do what I want nor can I do what she asks me for because I can’t differentiate between the two. Most of the time I would gladly do it for her, but have no desire for it for myself. I just expect her to blow up from resentment eventually and it makes me doubt on whether it’s worth the risk to commit to her. Because in the end I keep on wondering; who would I commit to actually?
I don't know why you are showing up on my feed so much lately but this is uncanny. I'll take this as a sign to redirect the outcome of this little charade.
![Quando Rondo - Life Goes On [Official Music Video]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/eIf3fhMXAow/mqdefault.jpg)
I am done accepting the unacceptable!!!! It feels so much better to just accept what’s healthy, even if it at first it’s not as exciting. I love this ❤❤❤ thank you!! No more false hope!
Sending you encouragement. Trying to do what's healthy can be difficult but it is the right decision. Jack@TeamFairy
Actually, I think what is healthy can also be exciting. But as stated, in the video, you can have a great life in the waiting period.
@@valeriemyers1780 I agree! It’s exciting but not quite like the rush of getting that hope dope 😭 it’s a different more calm exciting for sure! I appreciate you saying that!
Oh my! "Even of at first it's not as exciting" resonated so bad with me. And "no lore false hope".
@@melanimontemayor you’re so not alone in this!! If it give you good hope, right now I’m talking to someone who really shows up for me and even though it wasn’t as exciting at first, it feels EVEN better now.
A friend from university once said: "Hannah you don't have to pick up every bit of trash that falls at your feet!" because of my tendency to "see the good in and stick around" people that were very obviously not good for me. I never forgot that. Took a while to sink in though.
I'm glad it finally did sink in. You deserve good things and good people :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Thank you! That’s a great reminder!
Really good way of thinking about it ❤
That’s a keeper of a friend🥰
Great advice! I like that line! You deserve more & you have a great friend giving some really good advice!
I've basically defined myself as that person that can endure everything because that's what my childhood made out of me and it's true, I had surgery that necessitated opening the major veins in both thighs and to prevent them from reopening they put large sand bags on my legs, they were very heavy. The pain from having them on there became insanely bad, I kept begging the night nurse for more meds but after a 5 hr surgery they refused to give me more and the old woman in my room was aggressively complaining about not being able to sleep. I spent that night silently crying, trying whatever I could to get through the night without inconveniencing anyone. Next morning the doctor came in and was horrified, the nurses were supposed to take the bags off after a few hours, she told me if she had to go through that she would have screamed until the whole hospital was awake.
That is horrendous. I'm so sorry that happened to you. Yes, some of us don't want to "bother" anyone even when we are in pain, no matter how absurd the situation may be. We endure.
Thank you for sharing this… I identify 💯… I also think that medicine is filled with extreme sexism… it’s as bad an issue as the money motive… a very controlling atmosphere… it’s not collaborative when it should be… it’s your body, your health… you should be able to ask questions… you should be able to ask about research, show research… ask about alternatives… and yes either the issue of pain, I had so much of it but saw quickly you have to hide even extreme pain or the sexism/dismissal shows up… but with sexism it’s a no win situation , because even though I mastered stoicism with pain, THEN they think how could anything be wrong, you seem fine, when you report extreme pain! I’m in a better place health wise in some ways~do everything with diet tip top and supplements and manage pain and frequent ups and downs with my healthy naturally, but even for basic testing that still has to be done, I wish I could just stay away all together. I’d rather get a kick in the shin than go to a doctor. It’s stressful. Wish I could find a decent doctor again. It really makes a difference. 💜Hope you’re doing better with your health situation and overall as well.💜. Leaning to be kind and validating to myself with whatever I’m dealing with health wise and just take care of myself. This treatment can wrongfully make you feel bad/guilty on TOP of not feeling good/pain!!!
You could probably get compensation for that from hospital, maybe it's still the time to go to a court
Oh my! So sorry for your pain. May God bless you and heal you! I find I also have learned to tolerate way too much because of what I learned in childhood... for me it is abuse in the work place...long story.
@C.W. I feel you. 💔I FEEL these words that you’ve just spoken.💔 We we’re trained to just shut up. Shhhhh. Don’t say anything. Don’t inconvenience anyone, because dammit we’re just not worth the inconvenience.
I am sorry that you were treated carelessly. I am sorry that I was treated carelessly, but at 52 years old, nearly 53 and with a lot of shadow work done during the past few years I feel that I am deep into my healing journey and my eyes are wide open to the mistreatment that I endured when I was young. I can smell a manipulator coming from a mile away, and now I know how to handle the situation at hand.
Happy healing to you❤
I'm starting to NOT fit people's expectations lately, saying no when I feel like it. It feels AMAZING. I don't know why I did not start doing this before, it feels like I respect myself and the feeling is amazing. After 30 years performing the "cool guy who is ok with everything" (I am NOT a cool guy who is ok with everything), it feels incredible to start being authentic. The most fascinating thing about doing this is how quickly you can disappoint everyone around you. Being authentic makes it so easy to find who is a narcissist around you: 10\10
And who is safe and who isn’t.
I’ve been studying Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, it’s amazing!!! Between that and saying NO more, I’m feeling sooo much less stressed and more at peace. 🙌
Thank you so much for sharing this, it's really amazing to hear about your experience and the relief being authentic can bring! -Calista@TeamFairy
I’m doing same after decades of crapfitting on steroids….Oh to go back….all of sudden my circle became very small….lonely those who respect & treat me well are allowed
that's wonderful!
I’ve been crap-fitting my entire life and it has cost me greatly. I don’t know how to leave when I know I’m being used. Instead, I lash out, then second guess myself, then feel bad, then apologize. Rinse and repeat. When triggered, I become a dysregulated-mess. I’m now purposely isolating myself socially because the pain from consistent interpersonal trauma is stopping me from enjoying anything in my life right now. I know I have a severe fear of abandonment with very low self-esteem. I feel so numb.
I get you. 100%.
@@hoosfoosfull have you been through similar?
@@photographylover87 3 narcissists/borderlines in a row. The last one was a FWB who didn't care about me at all yet was insatiable for sex. Energy draining nightmare and I'm an open wound as a result.
@@hoosfoosfull I’m so sorry for your pain. Feel free to PM me if you’d like to vent. I recently experienced the same; a “relationship” in which my only value was my body. It was very traumatizing. Needless to say, I feel extremely empty right now. And alone.
Hi Alyssa🌻
It took me a while to learn this but I want to share it with you.
People are going to be in your life if they choose to regardless of the type of relationship you have.
I don't expect anyone to stick around. Just like I don't require myself to stick around if I choose not to either.
If someone I cared about dips out...So be it. I no longer see or feel it as abandonment. It's just a change. Yes I can feel bummed out about it, but at the end of the day I have no control over what someone else does.
That's ok.
What's waaay more important is:
That I don't abandon MYSELF for someone else. I've done it before and it sucks.
I will never be alone because, well..I will always have Me.
Sure, I might feel lonely sometimes. It passes. I've also felt MORE alone when sitting right next to someone I cared about.
It's important to cultivate, prioritise & nurture the relationship we have with ourselves before anything else.
I've learned (*&still learning) how to be my own Best Friend. Not only does ahe know everything I've been through...She actually gives a shit about me. She wants the best for me. Whatever that looks like. She loves me, holds me accountable, She celebrates me & even makes me laugh!
It is the most important relationship I have.
The relationship you have with yourself is too.
No one can really abandon you, unless you abandon yourself first.
Sending you lots of ((((love)))
❤
Its so hard knowing at times what is crap and what is something that is difficult in a good way for growth.
I walked away from jobs and people when I thought they were stressful or bad. Then I tried seeing "the bright side". Sticking with stuff because I was told it gets better. Sometimes it did and sometimes it didn't. So hard to know when to hold them and when to fold them.
THIS
I relate to this 100%. Ugh!! It's frustrating. Sometimes, I think I'm doing so well. Then a big slap in the face that idk how to have friendships. I know people are human and make mistakes, but I'm starting to feel like I'll never be a good judge of character. It's easier to stay alone.
I think maybe it’s best to judge the situation for what is and the growth will take care of itself. I believe everything is always working out for our good regardless of whether we keep the right or wrong people and situations.
I felt this! 👏🏽
@@hwhite2996 I had a similar thought about myself and did not know what to do with it.
I’m all too familiar with this type. Bread crumb, suck you in, and the hope burns eternal that they will be different when they come skulking back into your life. However, I managed to cut the last one out for good in January 2023. It was a victory and I haven’t fallen into the trap since.
Good for you!! You won’t go back!
Stay well! Glad to hear it.
He's using her for an "emotional booty call" but he can't sustain that emotional engagement long term and he knows that. He's taking advantage of her susceptibility to fall for this
On top of that with the people pleasing, it is a hell.
“Energy vampire” that’s the word. Learning how to have boundaries to protect myself from those people
I just love the term crapfit. It is so accurate. I have crapfitted so much of my life and I'm done with it.
Same here- tonight is the first time I’ve heard of this. Fortunately I did have two wonderful parents and a great stable home life growing up- however there were several incidents from the people in my hometown, bullying etc. I’ve only begun realizing this concept of crap fitting and unpacking where it came from over the last two years. I’m in my 40’s - never too late to get right with yourself 🩷
Sweetheart, you’re so young still and have so much life and time ahead of you. One of the hardest things to accept is that your sincerity, honesty, and good intentions aren’t always mirrored by others. I always thought that because when I express my feelings I mean them, everyone else is the same way. It took a devastating breakup to realize that people say all sorts of things to get their needs met, and that some will outright lie. You deserve so much better. ❤
" to fit yourself to unacceptable situations and to see love where there was no love". That really impressed me. I have stopped deliberately doing the crapfit some 6 years ago. It is amazing how few people I ve found that I dont have to crapfit with or for whom it is NOT okay to be opinionated about nearly everything or everyone. Those few that are there, I cherish.
From 15:42 ... I did exactly that. Wanting, waiting, being cool... but not 2 or 7 years or even 10. I did it for over *30* years (counting from age 16). Nearing 50 I was so desperate to marry that I let the love bombing take over the red flags... someone finally wanted to marry me? He had unacknowledged CPTSD and it ended very VERY badly. One day I hope Anna might address a video to those of us who are not 20-something and who made repeated mistakes, knowing nothing about CPTSD (or even that we might have it) or about crap fitting etc. (I probably should try writing but I suspect hundreds or more already do!)
Anna came off as so motherly and protective. I really appreciate the advice you gave to this woman. Thank you.
thank you for the kind words. Jack@TeamFairy
I have people pleased for most of my life and I’m glad I’ve woken up, but what to do when you have nothing but associates who expect you to play a role? I’m 69 and after my alcoholic husband died in 2009 , I’ve stayed alone. Upon venturing out again I find I’m drawn to unavailable people. I’m going to take your course. The pain of looking back on my life and wondering if I’ve ever known real love is tuff to face. Blessings to your work. I have cut off with my late night gentleman caller who is always falling for another woman, but I’m the one he calls. Too much.
I understand Deborah from a Deborah!!!
I started turning around the people, please, actions finally.
Hugs to you. Good job to cut him off, you deserve to be treated so much better. So difficult and painful at first and hard to reject the attempts to reconnect. Stay strong. Every other kind of company is better than that.
@Deborah Crawford
Good decision!
I was 40 when I figured this out, and there's no going back once you do.
I’m figuring this out at 50! I guess there really is no bad time to heal.
Yes. Thank you. I’m only losing a false hope, not anything real. No more playing along with lies. No more ignoring my own needs. ❤I’m still working on it and I’m 50
That's right! No more ignoring your needs. You deserve better. - Ashley, Team Fairy
I love that term crap fitting for breadcrumbs. It’s so accurate in describing the situation we find ourselves too often in. I stopped doing that a while ago and now I’m trying to get myself out of the isolation I put myself in.
That's the great thing about getting distance from what you don't want; You create space for what you do want. What you seek is seeking you.
this helped me get rid of the fear of not belonging. It is I who decide who is in my circle and who is not. From a passive position, I shifted into an active position: I get to choose who will be in my circle and who will not. 🙂
Exactly! You deserve to be surrounded by kind and loving people, good for you for working toward that :) -Calista@TeamFairy
These videos are therapy for me, in the beginning they were hard to watch because they require you to face yourself and your dysfunction but now I rewatch episodes to serve as reminders for what not to do anymore
I'm really glad they've been helpful. I know how difficult it can be to face yourself and your struggles, but it is critical to healing and it's amazing you're putting in the work! -Calista@TeamFairy
It’s helpful to keep learning so we can figure out how to change! It’s a bad feeling to be reminded and getting triggered is not fun, but think beyond that to a future point where you want to be and follow the path this lady sets for us to get there! Twist it into positive change! We can do this 💪🏻
It sounds like my 8-year relationship, but I moved away and it's been over for a long time. It hurt, but the distance helped me stay away from my often adorable emotional vampire.
The opening lines 😂 been there many times… the hope that maybe they’ll love you or there is something you can do to make them see and love you - that is an illusion. Save yourself- see and love yourself instead 🤗 sending out lots of love to everyone here
Hope is the dope.
Oh lord this is soooo true !💘💔
Thanks Team Fairy for such great advice as always !
I stopped one of these scenarios much sooner than I would have in the past. Getting better at spotting them sooner. It gets better! I'm even starting to laugh at these people. Love those jewel-toned shirts on you, Fairy! Thank you for your service.
"Getting better" is such progress, thanks for sharing!
-Cara@TeamFairy
No one crap fits like a twin flame/soulmate hook. extreme highs when there's a connection, then extreme lows. "hope is the dope!!" Love your work and verbiage.
CRAPFIT is a fantastic word.
And Anna you nailed it with that weird way some people get off on saying “oh I crossed the line” or “I said too much.” What is up with that!? That really is a thing.
Or my personal favorite, "I had a lapse in judgement."
Intermittent reinforcement. There’s the crazy dysregulation. Hope is dope.
Hope is dope. So true. I get addicted to intermittent reinforcement like it’s crack
@@kathryn6125 Its biological, you aren't alone! I do too...
LOL “I really don’t like him for this.”
So simple, I nearly spit out my drink. 😂
I get all that with men. In fact, I’m so good at spotting who’s bad for me that I don’t even look anymore. My problem now, is that all three of my best girlfriends died, one right after the other, around fifteen years ago, and I’ve found no other women to replace them. All I find are people/women who are narcissistic, whose relationships are mostly transactional. They show up all perky and interested in being a “friend” when they need something. Then they don’t show up again until they need something again. It’s distressing. Don’t know how to overcome this because when I go out there and try things, invariably I’ll get triggered. Where the hell are the nice,inviting-you-in-people?
A big part of my family is a big narc clique. Earlier tried to crap fit but divine intervention told me to be alone with my kids . Nearly 30 years now happy and God provided the family I needed genuine and loving. Recently a family priest tried his narc right to meet me and my family..... Flatly refused and super happy..... thank you Jesus 🙌🙌
I only wish I had had this much insight and maturity at age 26! Mary Claire you are so strong, I know you can cut this guy off and hold out for what you want. Wishing you all the best and good luck with the bar! (Although I have a feeling you don’t need any luck! You got this!)
Thanks for your support ❤
When you are not fed love in a silver spoon you learn to lick it off knives.
Lauren Eden
Love your terminology of crapfit So true !!!
Anna, in 2022 I discovered your channel, and let me tell you, all of your content hit me hard. I binge watched all your videos and cried and cried, knowing how much work I have ahead. You are talking about my life and you help me find solutions to my problems, thanks to you I now have hope that I am going to find a good man and that I am not destined to die alone.
I am so glad you are feeling hopeful, you deserve it!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Wow! My second video, and I'm floored. Answers!!! Explanations with the lights going on! I am 66, and thankfully married to a wonderful man, but geez, how much less trauma if I had known these things when younger. I have some health issues to get through before being able to sign up for your coaching, but it is clear you have insight, a gift that hits home with all of us. Thank you!
We're glad you're here now! I'm so happy to hear that the videos have been helpful, thank you for taking the time to comment :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Thank you for all you do. I have a "friend" who sometimes doesn't answer my texts, doesn't contact me when she comes to town, yet tells me she loves me. Bye-Bye. I had another one who kept trying to convert me, constantly interrupted me and once told me she had more money than me. Adios to that one too. No more crapfits. Like your lipstick here.
Powerful. Thank you. I am dating myself. The serenity of it.
I needed to hear this today! I have been crap fitting with someone for nearly 3 years. I have done it in past relationships as well. I also had an unstable and volatile childhood. I learned early how to self soothe and believe that I could do anything I put my mind to. Every time he comes back and then does the same bread crumb crap, I just sink into sadness. He had a sad childhood also and I think I feel like I can show him that unconditional love exists but he has nothing to give back to me. Well at least, he chooses not to.
I'm so glad you're here, we support you!
-Cara@TeamFairy
You and other amazing “therapists “ have helped me so much! I had parents described in the letter. I have a doctorate in crap fitting… until I went no contact with my family. It’s like being an addict in recovery- you can’t go back to the toxic environment that got you into trouble in the first place. Sign of my healing; I dumped a guy after 3 months of calls and texting, but not being asked out on a date. He’s obviously not interested in building a relationship. That’s okay, but I don’t need a texting buddy.
Wow! This video hit deep. I felt that you were reading my secret letters 😢
Excellent video and explanations for the root of crapfit.
Great video as usual! "Don't be that girl" felt kind of shaming. I'm also very sensitive to having been that girl until my mid 40s. "You don't have to be that girl" feels more empowering. Thanks for another spot on video CCF!
You weren't "that girl" then, either, because we just didn't understand any of this stuff. I was "that girl" out of total trauma and ignorance about it, so I am not going to label myself that way. It just adds to the unnecessary shame, imo.
@@northofyou33 well put! The exact sentiment I was trying to clarify in my own mind but just couldn't get there. Thank you!!
The three consistent emotions I keep hearing are fear, grief and longing. It's what keeps us trapped in bad relationships because our parents/caregivers wouldn't let us express anger. Anger is the boundary emotion. It lets us know when we aren't getting our needs met (think of the angry howls of a baby not getting its needs met). To escape the cycle of fear, grief and longing we need to get in touch with that anger to learn what our needs are so we can learn to ask for them to be met. And to let go of people who can't or won't meet our needs.
And 26 is a great age to do this work. I was 26 when I got in touch with that simmering anger I always felt but suppressed. Once I knew why I was angry it started to fade and I was able to use it to create healthy boundaries. Yes, I made mistakes and had a few unfulfilling crapfits (jobs, frenemies, commitment phobic boyfriends), but I saw the dynamics sooner and was able to get out of them so they couldn't damage me.
Such a great video, thank you Anna! I made my own version summary of it, which goes like this:
“Stop the crapfitting.
You were primed by your neglectful and abusive childhood to tolerate crap and to somehow make it work for everybody by shutting down your own needs. And then in adulthood you are still fitting yourself to crap, tolerating people (family members, friends, lovers) who know they’re not giving you what you want, but they give you just enough HOPE that you will keep letting them in.
Set your own standards and believe in them. You get to decide how you want your relationships to be. If you think nobody would put up with that, you’re actually hanging out with the wrong people. If you hold onto your standards, you will find the people that match them.”
Anna....thank you. Beautifully expressed. I will listen to this a few times. I need it to sink in. I have a right to have needs, have those needs met and be treated well. Sink in will ya?! lol.
I think we CAN fault people for proceeding to use someone else, knowing they are hurting that person.
This letter represents so much of what my childhood was like, and her feelings as well. I'm glad she's so young and has already managed to be aware of what she needs and who she really is. I'm 57, and it's been only 7 months since I started to realise all these issues. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for watching and for your comment! You still have a chance to heal! If you haven't already, try Daily Practice. It is a good tool that can help with getting regulated. You can try it in a free course here: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
Nika@TeamFairy
You have a heart of gold, CCF, you tell it as it is and show that there is always a silver lining for everybody, no matter the circumstanses, and I love you for that. ❤️
What a crappy situation really! We take the role of emotional dustbins for ppl to dump their traumas on! Been there, done that. Now, I find such people totally boring and total no-go!
I am so grateful for your advice! The moment I decided to forge a fierce allegiance with myself and be my own best friend, I started to see the good that is out there, waiting to be found... Your videos were a huge turning point for me. 💜Much appreciation
That's great. We hope this turning point brings positive change. Jack@TeamFairy
“Radiate and shine what you want.” Exactly. Thank you, Anna!🙏🏼❤️🕊️
Get out while you can, while you are still young. Cut this person off completely, don't date anyone for a long while, take Anna's dating course. You don't want to end up in a 20+ year marriage with the realization that the crap isn't going to change, ever. Best of luck to you and you can do it!
I've tried posting a comment a couple of times now. Hopefully this one sticks. Unlearning crap fitting helped me lose over 100 lbs. If anyone's interested in that story I'll share. I'm glad content like this exists so people can get the insight and help they need.
Hopefully it doesn't. Shame on you for spamming
@@snapdragon909 That's harsh, it wasn't my intent to spam. I just wanted to contribute to the discussion here, giving resources that helped me improve gives me some solace and hope.
@@jazmineclark9776 You've mis-pitched
@@snapdragon909 This wasn't a pitch, I was just trying to be part of the conversation here, I did not realize that sharing an article related to this topic would cause this kind of friction.
@@mariad1151 I'd be happy to do so, I wrote a longer article on it but I will summarize it here. I struggled with obesity for most of my life, I grew up in an obese community and food was a coping mechanism. This community was also chaotic and pathological, so I developed limerence in high school and this is how I lost 100 lbs. the 1st time. I kept the weight off for about 5 years.
I was an overachieving student, got scholarships to go to college, but the dysfunction caught up and I suffered a massive breakdown. Psychiatric abuse compounded with other variables made me gain massive amounts of weight back and additional disabilities.
I would eventually flee into homelessness, then overseas to live as a hermit with my partner. We both have CPTSD but she has more disabilities than I, so I'm her caregiver and we make projects online to heal ourselves and help others.
The first three years were rough, I had maybe 4 hours of sleep on average and I woke up to my partner shrieking from nightmares, so this caused us to crap fit to unhealthy people online out of desperation. This town is hostile towards LGBTQ people and people with disabilities so we've got to lay low here for our safety as we do our best with our work online.
When I learned how to heal my limerence and when I unlearned crap fitting, and when I found effective treatment for my drug resistant depression, I was able to lose over 100 lbs. again and keep it off this time even while struggling with chronic fatigue.
Learning self worth is what I wanted to share here. Even in these circumstances where I've been afraid for my partner's safety in this town for 8 years while we struggled to earn out way out of here in isolation, there's no need for crap fitting.
I'm finally really understanding what you mean by crapfit and seeing how I do it in every area of life. Such a wake up call! It would be nice to experience what happens if I'm honest about my needs and desires.
You deserve to put yourself and your needs first! Sending you encouragement :) -Calista@TeamFairy
This is so true. One thing a relative told me when I was young was “you’re really good at adjusting to different situations”. Lol yeah I wasn’t but I had to.
I like the term you use, crapfitting. Very good video. It is hard to give up the patterns learned in childhood, but you are doing a great service by pointing out how we can unwittingly sabotage our own happiness. I'm so happy this young woman is 26. She can turn that ship around!
Yes, she can and yes, it's so difficult to change but sooo worth it!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Omg. My actual name is Marie-Claire. 😮And so much about this situation really resonated with me. I am older than 26, and I sure wish I could have understood this more at that age. I’m on the path of awakening and self care, and have fallen off so many times. This is super advice and there is so much clarity in this message. I needed to hear this now. My friends often say that I’m so “easy going”. In high school I was “too nice”. Some have definitely observed that I date almost whoever comes along that is interested in me, as if I have no standards or self worth. And that I have “such a big heart, and see the good in everyone”. Basically I’m a walking doormat. Still. Realizing this is painful. There is still that “it’s fine” attitude and “make it work at all costs” outlook. I had an emotionally rocky childhood. And how little I knew that it would affect me so much even now. I’m seeing now that the issue is the beliefs I picked up as a child…. I just thought I have trouble saying no and needed to just work on that. But it’s so much deeper than that. Thank you for saying that emotionally healthy people fall in love with your real light-shining soul, and that I don’t have to play it cool to be with someone who will realize that they love me….. and to walk away and not give love or emotional availability to someone if it’s not reciprocated. Not to create a bond with someone and get attached when I know we aren’t on the same page about emotional commitment. I don’t want FWB. I actually want a real relationship. I don’t think I’m ready for one, after all this apparent damage. I keep saying I don’t know what I want and a friend of mine used to get mad at me and say, you do know what you want. You’re just not saying it! I was also told I’m not being authentic. Which I take to mean now is that I am not fully recognizing my own needs and wants and making those important. And I’m not “really living” until I see that.
Amazing insight just in this post, you are on your way!
-Cara@TeamFairy
"if you hold onto your standards, you will find people who match your standards, they are out there."
Indeed! I'd even add, that if you're always busy being in crapfit situationships, then you'll never find the people who actually fit your standards!
I no longer even try to find love because I've done too much "crap fitting"...
I got a divorce from a guy I was with because I was crap fitting. I recently met a guy that’s 20 years older than me. This has been the healthiest relationship I’ve been in so far.I’m not concerned if this is my forever. But it teaching me to value myself.
I like the honesty. Bless her! And you.
U r soooo good and hit it out of the ballpark EVERY TIME!! I wish I would of known u 40 yrs ago.
Right!!!
Omg to be so young and self aware of what she wants! That's powerful! After getting in a limerant situation which turned into more like "trauma bonding" and realizing like, damn, I'm The Energy Vampire, I'm the one really getting the most out of this, I quickly found the kind of person I want to be and the kind of people I want in my life are *not that*! I hope she keeps it up and I hope the dude can find his own sense of happiness cuz this ain't it!🙏💗💗💗💗
Appreciate you encouraging our letter writer and for sharing your personal journey. It can be hard to come to a realization like that, but sounds like you triumphed and have a happier and more fulfilling life now. Congrats!! - Ashley, Team Fairy
Thank you for this video. I was involved with a beautiful soul but they were also an addict/mentally unwell and they recently passed away. I have realised that I have been beating myself up for cutting our connection. I needed to be reminded that I used to be always trying to 'fix' them when in reality I had my own C-PTSD and finally put myself first to try and live the healthiest life possible.
Thank you for sharing this, we're all sending you support :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Anna nails my (and our) experience again. The 10% of right experience becomes 90% built on limerance/ wishful thinking. And then, back into the emotional chaos. Your videos are thought provoking. Thankful for the Daily Practice, Anna. 🙏 It saves lives... in particular, my own!
Mary Claire sorry you had to go through that. ♥
I did have alcoholic parents, but they weren’t abusive per say. Most of the neglect came from being bullied for years by a peer, in my small town where there was no real escape, and from an early age. This counts, right? I always feel like I have to explain where my CPTSD comes from, because my parents weren’t all that bad.
I TOTALLY feel you. I did have some issues with my parents at different times in my life but the relentless bullying I experienced at school, even by "friends" was probably the worst.
@@littlenanuk Totally! Parents arent angels for sure, but bullies ruthlessly poke at us even harder. Thats how I feel.
I agree that it’s a blind spot because we don’t know any better; it was our norm. And if there is a repetition compulsion, it’s only because we don’t know there’s a healthier way. It’s a hope-dope belief that maybe trying to make it work the only way we know how will magically bring about a healthy, stable relationship.
I don’t believe that the repetition is because we believe reliving it will make it different.
I wish I could hit the reset button at 26. So much hope.
right?? If we only knew..
You are the best!!! I am changing my thinking from trauma! It’s a slow process but getting the knowledge is so helpful!
Hope is the dope😂Speaking up for myself is my new dope thanks to Anna’s wisdom
We all need to apply this not only to family and romantic partners but to the larger social entities (i.e. govs, etc.) as well.
Thank you Anna for this video! I needed this content to strengthen my courage to prioritize my needs and wants, very timely!
LOVE the part about working on pursuits and building a tribe, it’s so crucial to be able to feel safe to share the bright shiny version of yourself 💕
Dear Viewers, if you look for advice in this video, please don't look any further. Anna knows exactly what she is talking about and provides practices that work.
I wish I had this knowledge before, I learned it the hard way. Anyway, the lesson's learned but it would have been much easier had I known what Childhood Fairy shares here!
Hope is the dope! So true. I'm sadly also hooked on it.
In my life, I've noticed two things about this topic:
1. True love takes a lot of personal attention to show up and be authentic, self-less, present, at your best, and goal-oriented in the relationship. The relationship needs a purpose and direction to thrive.
2. Crapfitting, all you have to do is show up. The relationship is usually open-ended, and lacking any concrete direction beyond getting surface needs met.
If you got hurt doing all the work of true love, it's easy to not care the second or third time with someone else. It doesn't hurt as much if the Crapfit relationship crumbles or disintegrates.
My mistake, I kept getting hopeful. I grew up and thought the games would stop. But they didn't.
Right on time, Fairy.
Love your advice your heartfelt insights.. I’m sharing w friends here in Mexico City who I am sure will also greatly benefit as I have with your great channel !
Thanks for sharing!!
Thank you Fairy! What a beautiful, inspiring, hopeful and powerful video ❤
So glad you enjoyed it!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Loved this so much! So well said and powerful. Thank you truly !
🤣🤣🤣OMG!!Hope IS the Dope!! awesome. I need this shirt along with Cool girl.
Dear Anna, I’ve lost a lot of friends to early death and mental illness and having to leave the San Francisco Bay area to go into hiding from the violent narcissist who disabled me. I’m 65 years old now. I used to feel sort of permanently 27 until I went through this last year with no heat because of woodland rats getting under the house and doing damage. I mentioned this because it triggers my daughter who has had two traumatic brain injuries and has decided that to get better she has to not have contact with me anymore but the traumatic brain injuries came from being rear ended in traffic accidents. She has a counselor who’s telling her that she has a traumatic brain injury from the fact that I was suicidal while I was raising her. I never acted out in front of her. I own that I spoke about it I have apologized and done my best to make amends. I was savagely abused from the time I was an infant and was suicidal from the time I was a little kid and have dealt with it all my life. Anyway I heard you say take a couple of years and I thought about my earth age of 65. I know what it is to love and be loved but I don’t think I’ve ever had that with someone healthy. I’ve done a lot of work on my healing but I’ve been retraumatized a lot that I can’t go into here but just in the last year, stacked traumas and really bad economic impact! I want to take your classes! And I need to be part of your community. I’m so isolated & exhausted that I feel it’s killing me and I don’t wanna die. It’s true that I lived a lot when I was still alive but it’s horrible being dead but still being alive, if you know what I mean. I realize that I feel bad every day and I can’t stand that anymore. I’d give anything for one true friend or one loving attentive family member. I feel being this alone all the way to the center of my bone marrow. I think I need your connection Boot Camp I can’t be this alone and sad anymore.
I really enjoyed this one, thank you
Story of my life, together with being an avoidant :/ Had mostly flings and thought this is who I am, because I am dead afraid of commitment with the wrong person, more than anything
Life isn't either a Barbara Cartland novel, nor a Harlequin Romance. Read a bunch as a teenager - amazing amounts of crap -fitting in that literary trash. Maybe that explains their popularity. Great podcast. Thanks.
I've dealt with a similar "type". Got a downgrade to a side chick after what I thought was a 3 year friendship. I'd tell him off several times and initially he'd back off just to try again later. Then I had to tell him several times that I want to break it off, he'd say he wants to stay friends but really just waited for me to slip (and I did several times). I had to cut him off completely. It was such a shitshow just thinking about it drains me.
It’s stunning to realise how much we let ourselves be taken advantage of coming out of these emotionally neglectful families of origin. If the shoe was on the other foot, I wonder how you would feel using someone for sex and free therapy? Treating them like a convenient pit stop or fuel station.
As time progresses from getting sober and seeking treatment for my mental health, and improving my physical health while I'm at it, it's constantly worrying me that my life situation now might be a crap-fit, but then I realize the points that don't match up; I'm less than a social butterfly, I'm not employed due to medical issues, not interested in higher education unless it's in state or from home... so really I'm not crap fitting anything to my own understanding. Especially not romance or people otherwise... just kinda coexisting there, no romance being sought, no real friendships being nurtured presently... dunno not really observant on that end of things due to a severe lack of trust, but also working on it though.
I'm not seeking social or romantic situations and instead just learning how to live my life as it is, and for what it is rather than fixating on what might be better or how much better anything else is or may be. Don't get me wrong, cause I'd love to fix some of my physical limitations and live just a massively more active physical lifestyle like I did before being given my medical restrictions. But I'm accepting, that for now. I just can't. At least as far as our medical field has allowed me to know, at the present point of my life. Sadly it simply is not in my cards. If it's the case that my medical professionals are incompetent from overload of case files, lack of specialized knowledge, or whatever field focused reasoning, then cool.. I'll work to make my necessary changes and fast. But, until I'm shown different evidence/ proof. You know too prove different facts...
Well it's probably best summarized by the movie Passengers - "You can't get so hung up on where you'd rather be that you forget to make the most of where you are."
Yep im messed up. Listening and learning but im not sure i can be fixed. At least im winning on the crapfitting front. Not doing it anymore.
Healing is absolutely possible, and it's great you've been able to make progress on crapfitting. Sending you encouragement :) -Calista@TeamFairy
My mother came yesterday to visit me ( trauma bonded with a mother with narcissistic spectrum) after a long time i felt having good time with her but since morning she started demanding n crossing boundaries which triggered n irritated me she had come to stay with me for some days but by evening the temperature around her arose n i asked her to leave immediately she began to became abusive n started banging n kept the front door opened threatening me let the neighbours listen to our altercation ...i was so scared but calmly I went and closed the door she was bent upon creating a drama that i have been witnessing since child hood ,am 50 n she is 70 now. I am a single parent of an adult son.. i asked her to leave immediately which i as a submissive daughter had never done that but this act of mine left me confused about me.. which was mixed with aggressive behaviour, guilty n then feeling better n light. Something changed. But since am into Buddhism which talks about respecting n owing gratitude to your parents somewhere is telling me to feel guilty.My mom is staying alone since last 5 years as my father left us. She is battling with her victimhood n blaming everyone else for so many things.
There's definitely a balance. I don't want to cut out everybody that makes one mistake, like they looked at me funny, or something! People aren't perfect and I get cutting people out who drain you, or who are constantly a jerk, but I hope there's a balance for most people. I see too much of unforgiveness in American culture; It's like someone makes one mistake and then they get cut out forever.
When you look at it that way it's so easy, it's so obvious that this guy was using her, or at least not giving her what she needed. So then of course she has the right to choose someone else. Cuz really that's all it is, it's a choice. 🙂 And she's not judging that other guy, she's leaving him to be himself. She's just saying "I don't want to be with you."
I never wanted my mothers affection. Always seemed fake or she had another motive. Like today i am all she has and she lays all this guilt on me and she is always sick well claiming to be ?or needing something else from and she does nothing but stay negative and draining to me. Very hard to be there for her and nothing i do for her is ever ever enough and he forgets anything i do for her . I know she is getting older and she is scared but i cant be everything for her or fix her life choice.
Hello CCFairy! I’ve experienced amazing Healing through your courses and coaching with some of your coaches! I don’t know how to get this burning question to you…..WHY ARE SO MANY OF US WITH C-PTSD SO RESISTANT TO HEALING? I have several 12-Step Program friends and my own sister who all had traumatic childhoods and have the symptoms. I’ve tried to turn them onto your Program. I DEVOURED your program once I found it! Why do so many of us seem not able, not ready, and/or not willing to even check it out?!!!
PS, not one of these folks has shown any interest.
Change is hard. A person has to be ready to do the hard inner work. Plenty are not willing.
Victimhood is an easy copout from personal responsibility regarding why our lives aren't what we want them to be.
It's work to get up from being ran down. Not everyone has the salt.
Sometimes they just like your couch and free or low rent.
Wow this is so insightful! I am dating someone that is crap fitting to me and it feels very unsafe actually. She keeps proposing things for “my sake” that I might want to do “if I like”. Sometimes that is true, and sometimes it is her way of asking for what she wants/needs. I don’t know the difference and it makes any time she does this feel like I am falling short. I can’t actually do what I want nor can I do what she asks me for because I can’t differentiate between the two. Most of the time I would gladly do it for her, but have no desire for it for myself. I just expect her to blow up from resentment eventually and it makes me doubt on whether it’s worth the risk to commit to her. Because in the end I keep on wondering; who would I commit to actually?
What insight!
I don't know why you are showing up on my feed so much lately but this is uncanny.
I'll take this as a sign to redirect the outcome of this little charade.