The Uncomfortable Truth about Waiting for Marriage for Sex - Episode 136
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- Опубликовано: 9 мар 2022
- Does waiting for marriage really guarantee a great sex life? Sheila, Rebecca, and Keith weigh in on this week's podcast!
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I’m all for teaching that sex is ideally for marriage and a sound theology as to why - but too many Christians don’t understand that there are WAY worse mistakes you can make than having premarital sex. I know of WAY too many people that got into toxic or abusive marriages and believe that it would be fine because they were “following the rules” about waiting to have sex.
It’s just not ideally for marriage. It is ONLY for marriage
Premarital sex is healthy, normal, and natural. Goodness, people.
@@MH-uh3hwwaiting for marriage is a very valid choice. But it’s a personal choice, not a universal one. 90% of the population has had sex before marriage or without it.
@@greyhoundssss so what? We follow God not each other.
"The mark of a good marriage is not necessarily virginity. The mark of a good marriage is that you're able to treat each other as Christ loves the church."
👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏
It is so wonderful to see a mother and daughter sharing wisdom on the most important topic in marriage. Because my mother was raised in purity culture she was the cop who policed my every move, everything I wore and said and did, everyone I dated--most of whom she "disapproved" of, in fact "disapprove" was her favorite word. It destroyed our relationship.
1 Cor 7. Paul is not saying sex before marriage is fine. You can burn with passion without having sex.
I saved sex for marriage, I was available,I was faithful, I was abused, I was divorced and now I'm having good sex for the first time in my life.
In a marriage or no?
@@bradleykimmons Outside of marriage.
Thank you for ALL your uploads. I truly wish these had been out back in 1997! ♥️🤣
I was a church & youth group attendee and none of this stuff was talked about. SEX wasn't really talked about. Maybe the church thinks if it's not talked about, no one will do it?
Purity culture was pushed but it was twisted. When I got married, I had years of guilt & shame stacked on my back that was magically supposed to _disappear_ in one night. It didn't. 😣😞 I had no idea about a woman's pleasure, no clue about intimacy between husband and wife, and I truly believed sex was for the man, so of course I slipped into that "duty" role, which is not sexy or arousing. I heard all the ideas & rumors, in society and in tv/movies about "when people get married, sex goes down hill" and I always wondered WHY?
After 14 years of being married to a covert narcissist "Christian" man, I am happy to say that I am re-married to an amazing, loving, kind, gentle, giving, God fearing man and the sex keeps getting better and _better!_ Sheila, if we were friends and I had your phone number, you would have gotten a text 2 weeks ago at 1am on a Saturday in ALL CAPS because it was *that good!* I literally *screamed!* 🤣🤣🤣 I wanted to tell SOMEBODY who would understand how huge this was for me!!
I _finally_ was able to reach orgasm with my hubby!! We laughed and cried and my husband celebrated with me! It was so sweet, intimate and just delightful!
During my abusive marriage I was coerced by him to do unimaginable things in the bedroom. Over the years my body started shutting off and shutting down. I was so scared of him that my own body stopped responding to any sort of stimulation. It's been a hard journey of healing with my amazing Lord, Jesus Christ... each step has been beautiful and has left me in daily awe of God's awesomeness and discovering the gift that God has given us in sex/intimacy. ♥️💕
I just LOVE you two!!!
Laughter in the midst of uncomfortable sex talk is _BONUS!_
Bless you both!
Minute 18:00 had me ROLLING 🤣
Thank you thank you thank you, Sheila, Rebecca, and Keith!! your honesty, transparency, and bravery to be bold is incredibly refreshing and so needed in this world!! also thank you so much for bringing up Dannah Gresh's writing. since you are so wise and not afraid of speaking up and calling out these authors for their toxic teachings, please look into "the bride wore white" by Dannah Gresh. there is a passage in that book where she compares a woman bleeding in her first sexual experience to bleeding sacrifices made in old testament, normalizing it and praising it essentially....🤢 we need to know your thoughts on this!!
Yes, this was my traumatic experience and belief on my wedding night. Like we're a Lamb for the slaughter?!?!
@@nikkibailey6583 I am so sorry you had to go through that. Hopefully Sheila could shed some light on this!
WOAH smh this is shocking
35:52
Looks down~
"Ok Buddy!"
😂😂😂😂😂😂❤❤❤
elucidate means to make something clear or to explain.
This was interesting and a lot to think about and process.
In my deconstruction I’ve been questioning sex and what I’ve been taught. I know the verses in the Bible but wanting to dive into the cultural context for that time. And as you said, sometimes it would take years for the priest to come to the homes and marry the couple. And then interracial marriage is was legalized not to long ago so how does that work?
I have been evaluating on if I’m waiting to have sex until marriage and have these boundaries, out of fear, being told that is what I’m supposed to do, because the Bible says so. I’ve been praying about it and I think I want to wait until at least engagement. But I also understand that sometimes engagements can be broken off. I also have a friend who has a friend who has had sex with her boyfriend, isn’t married yet, and doesn’t regret it. That person has never had a previous serious relationship though. I know with my friend and her husband, they waited and are glad they did, but she felt it didn’t really change anything in their marriage. I want to ask her more about that. And then I’ve heard people who have waited said they wouldn’t wait again if they can go back.
I also think sex is more than intercourse and includes outercourse such as hand jobs, blow jobs, anal sex. There are some other books I’ve saved to hear a different perspective too and maybe I won’t really know until I’m in that relationship and engaged if I’m going to loosen my boundaries or tighten them, keep them the same. I also have never been in a serious relationship so I wonder if I’ll change my mind too. I don’t know. I appreciate your perspective and will think about the things you said. I think movies have influenced me a lot and learning that sex isn’t like what the movies show either so I want to have realistic expectations.
Hi :) reading through your comment I just thought about how Jesus said, what God has joined, let man not separate. I think it's clear that we are supposed to have sex with one partner and that one partner for the rest of our lives. Which is why my only piece of wisdom on this issue is that everyone should keep sex for when they are committed for life with their partner, otherwise it can create so much turmoil (and it doesn't in every case of course but still generally it's for good reason the bible doesn't allow for promiscuity).
Oh also I watched this video the other day which I thought was pretty cool. It was called How Far Is Too Far Before Marriage? and the channel name is Theology of the Body Institute. (this dude seems to be Roman Catholic and I'm really not down with the whole RC thing but still I think it's good wisdom he's sharing!)
God bless you! ♥
Thank you for another podcast. They have been so healing for me but can I please request that you turn down the amount of ads. RUclips wanted to play at least 11 ads during this one podcast. I don't mind a few ads to support you but 11 is a bit much.
I really appreciate your work!
you can skip them after 3 seconds! It's really not so bad!
@@Sarahac8 that is true but I have slow internet and when there are ads it takes extra time to buffer it and it becomes very disjointed. I understand there will be ads but this time was a but excessive. I haven't experienced this many before on the podcast that is why I was giving feedback to Sheila. It's not a massive criticism because I get she wants to get revenue from the ads but if I was making videos I would want to know if people were getting 13 ads in the one video.
I like your podcast but the pop up ads can be interesting. Especially when the hardware store said that they are the place for a high quality tool.
The ads are tailored to your interests
😂
Lol, the channel doesn't have control over the ads that you see on their content.
Oh thank God I found you!!!🎉
“People” with heavy periods? *side eye.
Thank you for being willing to discuss this! It's not pretty to confront the abuse of a beautiful thing, but this is what Jesus is all about--setting us free, in EVERY part of life.
I think another thing about the whole process that seems to cause problems is the concept many have about "the wedding day." People create this enormously weird and artificial limbo waiting period between when they decide "I will commit to this person for the rest of my life" and the actual wedding itself. It creates such a heightened (and prolonged) sense of anticipation and expectation. They wait--maybe sexually, maybe not--a year or years just so they can save for/plan the wedding. "The perfect wedding" is idolized, and at the expense of a couple's emotional and sexual well-being in marriage. This is horrifying and sad to me. No wonder there is often anti-climax and confusion after. I have never understood the obsession with the "wedding day" when the relationship is what really matters.
I wonder if the Jewish tradition around the wedding week helped with this situation for women?
I have an unusual question: my husband and I have great sex and I love it, however he is a good kisser and his kisses really excite me but he has a lot of dental problems and he is always getting dental work done and the smell and the dental problems really turn me off and I am scared to "french" kiss him. Is there a way to overcome this?
Google how to have a difficult conversation
Is he going to get angry if you asked him to use mouthwash prior to intimacy ?
@@lisarandleman6141 probably not
I'd imagine once the dental work is finished it'll get a lot better. And definitely buy him a mouthwash that you like the smell of.
"I love you, and I LOVE the way you kiss me. It is difficult for me to say this and I hope you take it well. The dental work has made your breath smell different. Like, it smells bad? I know it is not your fault and it will go away! But while your mouth is healing can we do closed mouth kisses only?"
If he gets offended by this and punishes you with sullen pouting you have more problems than smelly breath. He will probably feel embarrassed and need some encouragement. But if he gets angry with you then that is inappropriate.
The sticky paper analogy was very harmful in my upbringing and even more so for my younger brothers. If you feel ruined...why guard your sexuality anymore?
The bribe of having awesome sex after marriage was harmful for my husband and I. We were each other's firsts on our wedding night. Thankfully, I was well informed and it was mostly pleasant, no pain. However, porn had hurt my husband's ability to be vulnerable and bond with me. It was a confusing, dark time that I am thankful is in our past after a 10 year fight. But the euphoric sex did not happen in our honeymoon and it was very confusing.
Exactly!!! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
I think it is the best option and knowing my husband and i have each others only love. People ask how do you not know what you're missing. I don't need to know anyone else. I know this man has been my partners my protector my provider for 22 years. We have no jealously. We actually won $5000 in time Square son vacation a phone swap. Its 20 years and going is the tag. This was a mr beast time channel about a few years ago want to say 2014 or 15. I am not missing anything It took a few yours but after 7 in life was wonderful ❤
✅
Hi Sheila. I have been listening to your podcast and read your blog. I like most of the advice given here but I have a problem with the issue of downplaying the importance of virginity in marriage. That is God's way and we cannot change it or modify it. However, neither can we blame a bad relationship due to failing in maintaining virginity before marriage. God asks us to repent when we fail so that He can forgive us and we stop feeling guilty. When we put God in the center of our relationship, I believe He is more invested in keeping it happy and healthy for His glory. He created us sexual beings and has given us parameters and boundaries to maintain hence cuddling and intimate situations before marriage should be discouraged and not winked at.
Shelia explicitly stated, more than once, the importance of teaching young people the benefits of keeping sex inside of marriage.
It doesn’t downplay the importance of virginity before marriage.
What was expressed is how much it matters to still be patient even after marriage and stay respectful to the arousal of each other. If one of them doesn’t feel like it or is awkward at the wedding night, it should not be a duty to still have intercourse that night.
Let’s take things slow even after marriage until both of them are ready, aroused, etc
@lidiawangari I was thinking the same thing. I understand that they are trying to explain the importance of slowing down on the wedding night and even afterwards. Married couples should not feel they have to follow an expectation of getting it all right the first times. But in this podcast they also talk about the shame many feel cause they failed (missed the mark). None of us is perfect and when we do things outside of God’s timing then we can go to Him confess and repent. If they are talking about people who do take it to God and still feel shame, then thats a problem. God sets us free from guilt and shame. Culture has influenced the church in the area of how sex is viewed. We need to see it from a biblical worldview.
@@cristidormiendo5743I think a major issue is that in modern church culture a person can confess that sin to their spouse and God, fully repent… and still be forced to carry the shame permanently anyway. Just look at Paul and Morgan. Paul loves to bring up that Morgan wasn’t a virgin on their wedding day any time he feels threatened, and publicly at that-even though she’s repeatedly apologized (including publicly). And people-especially youth-are internalizing this message. Ultimately it implants the idea that the spouse’s approval (or lacktherof) supercedes Christ’s sacrifice and God’s forgiveness… which is blasphemy.
Also, to the OP: “cuddling”, really? Do you not realize that some people are just cuddlers (no s*xual intentions involved) and need that to establish a relationship in the first place? My husband was a non-sexual cuddler. He was incapatable with every girl who said “ew, don’t touch me.”
We cuddled. We rarely fought temptation to take it further. We were both virgin when we got hitched.
I will acknowledge that this could be a hard thing for some people; but it’s not a blanket temptation as the modern evangelical church seems to insist it is.
Different temperaments have different areas of temptation… and different areas (ie, love languages) that are critical to their ability to establish those baseline bonds for a successful marriage before they take the plunge.
It doesn’t edify the church for everyone to project their own personal struggles and solutions onto everyone else. In fact, it impedes our corporate maturity.
How I wish my husband and I had this information before getting married. Our wedding night was exactly how you described. 2 years in and I have never had an orgasm and enjoy sex about 10% of the time.
Divorce that guy.
Thank you for this. I have been having guilt or going too far, and major fear of going "all the way" with my BF-who I plan to marry. For the first time I was able to think through it outside of the shame paradigm, and think through it more practically- like I don't plan to be prepared, but I also don't want to get pregnant. I almost think it will be easier to draw boundaries to protect from the consequences, than from the vague idea of shame from God who loves me a lot. I shouldn't have to have major theological debates in my head about soon while we are kissing- but that's where I've been. Much easier to say no baby. Lol!
If you are a Christian who loves Jesus and believes the Bible is His true Word, then you should want to obey it. Say no to to sex and wait til your wedding.
I just want to point out, you said he's your "BF" who you plan to marry... The fact that you're (seemingly) not engaged yet and thinking about maybe having sex with him already...is concerning. In my opinion if you're not even engaged that shouldn't even be a question in your mind. You're tempted, that's normal, but I think this is clearly a temptation which is to be resisted. May the Lord bless you sister ♥🙏
Maybe if you held off on the kissing and use this time to get to know each other better you wouldn't have the temptation for sex. Talk to your boyfriend a lot about your values and his and see if you're really on the same page before committing to marriage or submitting to lust when your not married.
Coming in a year later… but as an older Millennial who couldn’t understand why me generation was adding all these “gates” to prevent the horizontal tango from happening when countless generations before didn’t have all those “safeguards” and still succeeded on holding off until marriage just by using their basic willpower …
::drags breath::
I wanted to do right in God’s eyes but ultimately it was “I don’t want to be prepared and I don’t want to get pregnant” that kept us both from going too far. Same with all the generations before. “Don’t want to get pregnant out of wedlock” is a very effective safeguard.
(Also, my husband and I knew we were going to get married almost from the day we started dating-we’d been friends for months already. We didn’t get engaged for a while because getting engaged within a week of starting to date would have raised brows. Which is also why we didn’t elope. We’ve been happily married for almost 20 years. Don’t let the naysayers get you down. Just remember: It’s that firm foundation of love, loyalty, and friendship that is the key to relational success.)
i know this is an older video, so I don't know if you will see it, but another issue concerning the feeling of obligation to have sex is not only from the popular expectation of the wedding night, but also, if you grew up in church, the church teaches that women are subjugated and required to give their husbands sex, even when they're not in the mood because, "their husbands might cheat, and if he does, it's _your_ fault." This isn't right. And that unbiblical teaching needs to be removed from the church.
Rationalizing away sin is not the gospel, repentance and forgiveness is. If you have sex five weeks before your wedding and then end up breaking off the engagement, that can be a devastating experience for everyone involved. If you are going to sleep together then consider yourselves bound to each other for life.
Amen
Here's the other side of this: if a couple isn't sexual prior to marriage then how in the world will they know if they are sexually compatible, especially if they are virgins where they don't even know their own needs/sexuality? They risk a lifetime of misery. Ask me sometime how I know about this. Its beyond awful.
How about ask very specific questions, like "how large is your penis" and "are you willing to learn how to get me off"?
The conversation at 22:00-23:00ish troubles me because God is a God of forgiveness but forgiveness comes with repentance. We dont need to live in shame and guilt because we repent and are forgiven. I am not hearing anything here about repentance.
Had the same thoughts.
I really agree with this. I feel like these ladies have a lot to share, and some things that need to be said, and dialogued on. I have read the book "The Great Sex Rescue" and agree with a lot it. I know that i come at this with a background that is not a lot of what they talk about- i had an informative, yet conservative Christian upbringing. I do disagree with some of what they say there that the Bible does it doesn't say. The message is needed, apparently, but the theology is weak.
I agree. I think most of what they are talking about is needed in Christian circles and too many people have been afraid to touch these topics. However, their conversations have almost no scriptural referencing or support (or if there is scriptural support, it isn’t noted). I appreciate what research shows us, but if we are going to love and act like Jesus, we need to also put a high priority on His words. I realize the church has tried to manipulate young people with shame and fear and I’m not okay with that. But I’m also not okay with downplaying God’s plan for the people He loves. I think we can have honest and open dialogue that includes both.
I mean … we could always just embody “love God with your whole being and love your neighbor as yourself.” If you live these out, it becomes impossible to tempt your significant other before marriage and equally impossible to behave in a s*xually entitled manner towards them after marriage, because you will truly see them for what they are: fellow Imagers. (It also makes it impossible burden them with shame or elevate yourself over them.)
Did Jesus not say that all the law and the prophets are summarized in these two command
@@rivendells_shonawise words
It really does fascinate me that much of evangelical culture effectively treats premarital s*x as the unforgivable sin. A great example: Paul & Morgan. Morgan confessed even publicly that she wasn’t a virgin on their wedding night and repented for it … but Paul brings it up every time he feels insecure. That’s not forgiveness or loving your wife as Christ loves the church. And youth are imprinting on this mindset and equating it to “Biblical godliness”.
We hold premarital virginity-particularly of females-on a pedestal but if someone who IS in covenant of marriage consumes p*rn (adultery according to Jesus), they are typically forgiven quickly by the church and their sins dismissed as “understandable”.
Where’s the consistency? If the female who had sex before marriage is “damaged goods for life regardless of Christ’s forgiveness”, is not also the male who did the same? What about the married person who’s had any kind of affair (including p*rn use)? Are they not damaged worthless goods for life if the bride who wasn’t a virgin is?
Pick a plotline, people.
(And by the way… my husband and I were both virgin on our wedding night. We did *gasp* hold hands and make out before we got hitched. We had this thing called self control and a desire to treat each other as fellow imagers, so we didn’t sin against each other. And he *gasp* treated me as he believed Christ treats the the church… and while our s*x life had an awkward learning curve, we’ve been ride-or-die married for 20years and quite mutually enjoy intimacy. Just had to say that before anyone tries to accuse me of “telling on myself” or whatnot. 💀)
Just remember, folks: if you are new creatures in Christ, you are not, in fact, slaves to your carnal desires. You can kiss and hug and hold hands with someone without inflaming with lust for them. Good grief …
These women are literally minimizing the sin of sex before marriage. This is wicked
Did you even listen? That's not what's happening at all. We're just sharing DATA, and advice for how to make the honeymoon better when you wait. Maybe listen?
I’ve listened to almost the entirety of it. And that’s exactly what you’re doing. This is more then just sharing data. Statements like it’s not that bad were common.
Premarital sex is normal, natural, and healthy. Goodness, people.
@@t0dd000what Bible is that from?
@@bradleykimmons Your question doesn't make sense.
seems like if the baby grows up hearing conversations about healthy ways of approaching sex, he will grow up having a very healthy idea about sex!
please don't stop talking about it in front of him.
At 27 min. They shouldn’t be doing all of the things that lead to sex
God “Flee sexual immorality”. This podcast “sexual immorality is not that bad”
At 22:00. You women hate the word the of God. Sin is never fine.
It's not sinful.
Neither is judging these women as hating the word of God. There is none of that here.