Gabor Mate Lecture - "Hold On To Your Kids"
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- Опубликовано: 24 янв 2011
- Originally Uploaded: www.ustream.tv/recorded/6519665
"This presentation is hosted in partnership with: The Thunder Bay District Health Unit, Lakehead Public Schools, Special Education Advisory Committee and North of Superior Counselling Programs. The Presentation Title is "Hold On To Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers" and is presented by best selling author Dr. Gabor Mate."
This man is a gift to humankind. All humans with or without children will benefit from this talk. This is so important 🙏❤️
His book should be called Hold On To Your Loved Ones.
I'm reading it now and it is as much an insight into how we can look after each other as human beings as it is peer orientation. Gabor is so openminded and intelligent he must surely be a certified genius; I cant imagine him not being one.
Certified genius! Love it
I've heard Dr. Mate on the radio several times, in particular "When the Body Says No" lecture series. He's truly brilliant and as an educator I can attest to the points he makes here about attachment. Rather than "time out", with children I use what I call "Time In", bringing them closer, holding their hands, having them sit on my lap for awhile, changing the energy, bringing them to a more calm and centered place via affectionate connection and then try again to let them roam the classroom.
good for you! that time in idea is a good one. My son's kindergarten teacher was very much into using isolation and I don't think that was the best way to deal with the issues my son was having. I wish there were more creative educators like yourself out there.
do this as a male teacher and you will be facing a law suit.
Karl Marx Actually these days in Australia no teacher is allowed to have close contact with school age children female or male. As sad as that is it is to prevent abuse. If the child dosen't have that contact at home either--- very sad.
Yes, Aware Parenting by A. Solter has a practical approach based on science on how to help stressed children through connection :)
There are creative educators out there but they are being stifled....in time is really needs to be addressed but some teachers have Education cuts for teacher aides and now they are re instituting them into the classroom....personalities need to be addressed as some just treat the tchaide time as a 'job'!
Simply one of the best speakers on the Net.
"We need to hold on to them til they can hold onto themselves". 😃
Through seeing many of Gabors lectures the relationship to my daughters has been transformed. One example of my behaviour I’ve changed is that if one of my children come into the room and I’m watching tv. I turn it off or mute it and I give them my undivided attention. Previously this was a very difficult task, as I have ADD and hyper focus on things, this also is something I have learnt about myself through Gabor’s work.
This Doctor has validated everything for me at the time I need it most!
I love this guy. Few people in powerful positions try to find the root causes of things rather than labelling and medicating.
Warning to parents about daycare: The high turnover rates for adult workers, & child peers for that matter, are terrible for attachment forming. It literally teaches your young child that people will constantly leave them & that they can't count on anyone to have a permanent place in their lives. Please avoid daycare if at all possible! If you cannot have a parent with them, it would be much better to have your child taken care of, at your home, with one-on-one attention by a trusted person.
After working in a daycare for a short while (little over a year) I felt awful about leaving, but it was very stressful in a low-education, low-income area. I hate to even think about where those children are emotionally & maturity wise right now; ~80% of them were coming out of single, young mother households & dependant on subsidies for everything from the childcare to food to housing, etc. Very sad situations.
Dr. Mate articulated many things I've thought since about 14 years old. I'm one of those introspective, observational people (might not surprise you to know I was never popular, lol). Anyway, really wonderful talk here! I hope more traffic comes to it b/c this issue really needs to be discussed within families.
Thanks for sharing as an "expert" in the field. And keep spreading the message. Kids need secure attachments not Ritalin and what not pharma solutions!
The same is unfortunately true now of our elementary school system too. My son had a traumatic kindergarten experience that would have set the tone for his entire educational career. The teacher went on maternity leave, and did not come back. The class had a revolving door of replacements for a month, and then wound up with a long term substitute that had never taught kindergarten aged children ever. She did not even have children at home. This was a charter with many kinder classes, and only a couple 1st grades. I began to wonder where all the kids were going if not to first grade. Turns out they were mostly leaving. My sons behavior began to devolve at school, and then at home. We made the decision to pull him out, and continue teaching him at home. This was just before covid began. With all the inconsistencies with school due to the pandemic, I decided to continue to homeschool for first grade. It took months to undo the damage that had occurred from just several months of traditional school. I think we were all traumatized. I have a difficult time trusting the education system now. It was a sad state when I was part of it, and now I do not know what to think. The worst think they ever did was take the play out of kindergarten, and make it full day. Play is a child’s work. They aren’t meant to mead deadlines, and have recess docked for behavior troubles. Your account of daycare really hit home for me. I refused to put my kids in daycare, but then marched him off to kindergarten when he was 5 because I was pregnant, and needed a break. I mistakenly thought he needed the social experience most. I was dead wrong.
Great idea but how do you work, then? Let s get rid of bosses? Oh yes, and the big market of capitalism hidden right behind them. Nice!
Let's not forget the trauma of the "aging out of a room" when a infant gets to be 6 months they go to another room which means a new "teacher" when they turn a year they "graduate" to the next room. Then 2 years old they go to the next. This is a real problem. Also separating siblings is barbaric.
I will never send my kids to daycare. Bosses can go fart in the fields for all I care. Nothing is more important than family.
So thankful to hear this truth spoken. As a mother of four, I have felt this way about peer attachment with kids and teens for all of my (single) parenting (20) years. Although I have often been criticized and undermined in my efforts to create a strong parenting bond with my children, (I homeschooled for ten years) I will forever strongly stick by my values and instincts with how important what Gabor Maté is saying. So thankful for this wisdom today. Awesome, awesome, awesome guidance. 🙏🏻 ❤️🕊💙
Appreciate your precious pearl words "I will forever strongly stick by my values and instincts"
I first saw Dr. Mate in the film Zeitgeist Addendum. The things he said in that film shapped my approach to parenthood. His work is not only helping parents with kids, but also very validating for the kids who are now adults who's needs were not met.
Thank you, Dr Gabor. I want to hug you ! I am so grateful of your lectures & teachings that help me understand my self, my mom, & everybody to such an extent that I feel I can begin to move on, with greater love/ compassion / and understanding ! What an amazing gift you have given me ! How can I repay you ? I will be a kind person in this life 💖
At one point I found that attaching to humans often leads to disappointment and hurt so my need for attachment focused on animals. I started rescuing cats and love working with animals. They fill me with such happiness n love.
"the attachment is transferred to the peer group!" Boom!!! so valuable to know.
2021 and his advice is still gold!
Timeless analysis of child development, and wellness in general. Incredible. This shows 100% in our own home, and I know that I am so fortunate to be able to be home with my kids.
Why are most medical professionals NOT like this man?
Less intelligent. Bigger egos.
because we allow ! People are lazy and unconcerned, compulsive , lacking consciousness.
PHD's with no understanding.
He was NOT raised in North America so he can see the things that other people take for granted or consider normal when they are not
Because of this : ruclips.net/video/zA66fK9XI3M/видео.html
Can you imagine your relationships with medical professionals or relationships in general and starting the conversation, "Let's breathe first and connect in silence. Then we can talk." And we don't accept pills or testing from doctors (medical or naturopath) as a basis to get reconnected back to ourselves. The true healer who wants you to heal will heal him or herself first then suggest tools to assist you to heal your past trauma.
This is one hell of a speech! It answers questions I have had all my life.
Excellent speech
I am listening to this again 8 mos. later and can't believe what I am hearing. It just keeps making more sense and answering more questions!
"What's socialization? You're socialized when you have a sense of who you are, and you can respect the differentness and individuality of other people"
I'm looking forward to becoming a parent one day. This is great stuff, made me re-evaluate some aspects of my life. I wish every parent was made to watch this before they got to have a baby. Funny how we have rules and licences for driving, but not for parenting.
As Opra answered a reporter who asked.."Why don't you have kids?"...Because I don't want to fuck up someone's life....(Right on, Opra!)
i love watching Gabor Mate, his lectures and books are amazing. He seems to get to whole of the problem while explaining the details that effect them.
I with our system would just listen to the common sense from this man!
I had my kids in the year 2000 and 2001 everything in my gut told me that Ferberizing was wrong and it didn’t work with my kids so I went back to my instinct , picked up my child and threw Ferber away forever thank you Gábor Máté for spreading the word
He is always worth listening to. He is good at combine different subjects and make it a whole.
This man has amazing, deep wisdom. Amazing! I can watch it 1000 times. It is always bring light to something different, nurturing and wonderful knowledge.
Doc, you really are amazing. My daughter has ADD and you are my guru in this area...As you were in my war days...
What a brilliant talk! Wow! This has changed how I see the world as a father, son, teacher, uncle and man. What else is left to say?......buy the book.....live it.....and finally, thank you!
Learned a lot from this video. Thank you Sir. Will definitely try my very best to do what needs to be done as a mom of 3. Thank God i didn’t put my kids in a daycare even if people around think otherwise. Praise God🙏🏻 thank you Sir
I’m 2 weeks away from giving birth and have been educating myself by reading books & listening to lectures on childhood development. I myself was abused as the result of a repetitive cycle and I insist on breaking that cycle. His lectures by far has been by far the best thing that has resonated with me. I’ll be looking for audio books to listen in the car.
Gabor Mate is fabulous as always. How could someone shoot this lecture in such low quality?
Becuase it's about the audio. I'd be happy with a podcast. Save the eyes. Download the podcast and listen with wired headphones on flight mode.
I love the way he thinks. Been watching a lot of him lately
Every word of his is pure gold. Thank you very much Gabor. ❤️
It is interesting that we get upset about the ecology of the planet but send our kids from stressed family contexts into overcrowded school ecologies with stressed teachers. The vast increase in home-schooling with the added family stress that can cause is not the answer... Maybe it begins with each of us individually and what stress we allow to be in our own internal space and the ecologies we inhabit... on a daily basis work to reduce aggravation and stress for ourselves and everyone else ?
BRILLIANT EYE OPENING LEARNING EXPERIENCE. Thank you Dr. Mate, from the center of my heart.
It makes so much sense to me. Thank you! I'll be using this information while parenting my daughter, as well as growing myself up some more.
Wish I would of found him before having kids. Great perspectives
This is my first exposure to him. I'll DEFINITELY be watching more!!!
incredibly insightful, thank you! been telling many people to look you up
I was born with something called a CONSCIENCE. If you do something wrong you feel guilt. There is also something called the fight or flight response. You call it bullying I call it predatory so what do you do when you feel preyed upon you either run or fight back. The alarming thing with the bullies in today's world they are relentless. To me I see these people as murderers its just a slower death from the constant adrenaline that spills into your body damaging your pancreas and heart.
With great sadness I have to say that im one of these fucked up kids. I don't feel anything im afraid of what other people think of me and I am insecure. I am distant of woman because the only feelings i have ever gotten from them is rejection. I cannot connect to other people, I cannot connect to myself.
I am now trying to meditate to get rid of this "programming" and to let go of this fight and just relax but in a world as murderous as ours it feels wrong to let down your guard.
Anarchon how did it go?
Smith-Mundt act of 1985 makes it perfectly legal to run propaganda to the people. And it's there becuase the world isn't really as bad as those in charge want it to appear.
@ColoredBrothers How are you doing?
@@Eclectifying I can't believe I posted that, I'm a completely different person now, I feel good in my skin, have close friends, self employed, confident :) I was 24 at the time and not doing too well at university, I guess that was a very low period of my life.
No girlfriend yet but no hangups either, I'm sure it will come at the right time. :) Kind of you for asking.
@@colloredbrothers I am so happy for you!! :)
Thank you for posting this brilliant, priceless lecture.
I am a middle school teacher and it hurts my heart when parents say “they are old enough they should know what’s right ask wrong” ughhhhh parents
Such an important subject - thank you Gabor for another brilliant lecture.
When your only job is to introduce Gabor and you accidentally introduce "Gay-Boar"...
You are a gift for the world, i improved my working skills thanks to you dr Mate'....but the hardest work Is to be some with my teenager son🙏
It's unfortunate that the sound is so bad, this is a very important lecture for anyone who is a parent or will be a parent in the future. He is incredibly good. This explains all those school-shootings, bullying and all the cruelty that goes on in schools as a result of detachment of kids from their parents. It is parents who should raise their kids, not schools or governments. Western society is in big trouble. Just look at other societies that more traditional, that are not affected with "modern liberalism"! there are no mass-shootings in schools, there are no kids committing suicide as a result of being bullied by pears! this is ONLY a problem in western societies! and what do we do? we do even more liberalism, we go even more progressive! (separating parents from kids: making parents work more and allow them to spend less time with their kids, putting kids in more school and after-school programs to make sure they are raised (indoctrinated) by school and government and spending less time with their parents... What kind of society will this result?!
Today's 30 years old is the new 13 years old! children mind in adult bodies.
The problem is very complex in details but very simple as concept.
All this are deliberately created and planed long time ago.
From education system, medical system, women's emancipation, exodus to cities where more "opportunities ", the value of the money, the convenience created, the manipulation into a false needing of useless things, selling the dream through celebrities, commercial, tv, movies, world bankers printing money, creating them from thin air and lending them to us, enslaving us, "coercing us" to work..work work..to pay the debt.
All this is not by accident or because this is the evolution of the society...
Is done by purpose!!!
Some believe is because the elites want more power, money and control.
I personally don't buy into this. They already have all this,, the money the power and the control... remember they print the money... PRINT THEM
I tell you what is all about.
Is spiritual, even if you don't believe in it.
Is the evil one and his goal, to destroy our Father's creation..
Is the same lie from the begining..." you shall surely not die, you shall be like gods"
And he is very successful in doing it.
But not for long now.
He knows his time is up and this days are his last struggle .
Is the battle for our souls, people !!!
Stay strong and recognise the times we are in. This are the days before the second coming of our Redeemer, Yahusha Hamashiach (Jesus for most of the people) the son of our Father Yahuah!!!
Be blessed each one of you!!!!!
Put your jouses in order as the time is near !!!
just awesome presentation. so simple, but so much meaning in his teaching.
I love his voice , He is so easy to listen to . sometimes there is an echo in the audio .
If this guy isn't amazing then I don't know who is.
@@CynthiaSchoenbauer 😃😁
I just discovered him. The answer to attaching to your kids is to emotional attach to yourself. If you learn to become emotional literate about all your own repressed emotional needs that makes you whole enough to be with your kids good or bad. You wont react in fear or frustration like their needs are a threat to your well being.
Hi, everyday, everyone has breakfast and supper together. Everybody helps with making ,eating and clean up! (Everything must be organized and ready the night before) Still had 20 minutes to talk! Family meetins every Sunday in the dim light, u can talk about anything! Feelings, questions, what you don't like how someone behaves, anger, and how to treat others .Also board and games night! Special outings with each child. Bycycle rides! Love em and teach your children well, and as time goes by ,you can look back and know they love you, because they treat themselves and their families,friends, and you well. My children are in their middle 30s , and they both say that they have an Angel for a Mother!! Lol and can count how many times(3)on the bumb. And what were they for! I didn't hit them to cause pain , they knew why they they were getting a swat, because we talked about it over and over! They'd say the talking was the hard part, that was the worst because they had to answer my questions on their behaviour and the life threating danger it could cause harm if they didnt stop doing it! Then the look of wonder at me when the spank was over, and says, it doesn't hurt? Only one spanking? I said I think it's going to make you remember not what to do. I also told how scared it made mommy when they'd run out on the busy highway and they liked it when all the cars would slam on their brakes, horns blaring, and blue smoke drifting up along with 5he loud upset drivers. They never did it again! Thank goodness!! Talk with your children, actions always speak louder than words, so pretend your mute, use actions to convey your emotions, that you are there for them. Get them to tell you the rules of being safe.
Schools kill curiosity as well, because how can you genuinely care about photosynthesis, triangles and grammer, in a world that is presented as finished? You have to show kids the problems: war, poverty, ecologic decline, corruption. And get them acquainted with the good things in life: peace, beauty, delight.
What Mr. Mate speaks of is very similar to the work of late Alice Miller. I am glad that someone continues the tradition..
*****
Yep, glad someone else felt the connection too.
Alice Miller stayed in the problem though, didn't she?
Yes, she is one of the people who influenced his work a lot. I read a lot of self help books and watched number of videos and find what the biggest problem is that people will have theories and ways to explain the problem in great detail and depth but going over the solutions is not so extensive or the ones suggested are not necessarily accessible to all. Just listening to Gabor is a big balm for me. An escape from reality. And then I have to go back to reality which is that the resources are scarce and the current health care system and approach (in North America) is set up for everything but to help. Just look at the opiod crisis. Where did all that helping got people? It got them addicted. Pharmas made their money. ... I am familiar with Alice Miller work but it's been a while and it does not stand out in my mind what she proposed as solutions. I appreciate recent Tim Ferris interview of Dr. Mate as he pokes and prods Gabor on specifics on how to deal with and heal from trauma. Most deailed and hands on video I've come across so far but still not necessarily accessible to a lot of people myself included.
@@whotelakecity2001 I will have to see if I can find that video. Solutions are difficult. I work on the problem everyday about solutions for me. Even listening to Gabor in an interview a few weeks ago shows he still has difficulty in getting past problems in his own life. Hopefully some of us can pick up the ball and help with those solutions. No matter how intellectually brilliant he is, (and he is!) he still has a way to go to get a handle on integration of these principles into the emotional realm of life. And that is where women's brains shine!
Kitty Kat ... exactly ... x ...
Wow...this is the video I need to watch as I have 14 years old son and sometimes I don't understand him , His temporary detachment sometimes hurts me. Gabor has just explain what is going on with them or what might be going on . I don't really know how to act in that case that I don't want to screw him up. .....Great man Gabor is.
This guy is in the documentary movie Zeitgeist: Moving Forward. He is awesome there!
thank you for your deep insight.
My mother was severely depressed and the doctor gave her medicine for the intense sad emotion she was feeling which medicine cannot treat emotion
amazing after watching this im sure every not only have learned how to nurture there children but to step back and to Analise yourself for what u have become unconsciously.
Wish there were thumbs up.... there could never be too many!
I'm so sad I didn't know this. I feel like I did it all wrong.
R.C Christian Maté always says there is no one to blame. Gabor knew it but he didn’t apply it in his son’s Daniel’s life. Watch Daniel and Mate’s Hello again RUclips videos, you won’t feel so bad. If your children are adult child, you know it now, you can still make a difference in their life and in another child’s lives.
Infinite love! Namaste~
Brilliant. Inspiring.
Awesome lecture and very informative. Parents must indeed hold on to their kids.
Absolutely Brilliant.
Thank goodness for subtitles! 👏😼😺
The primary quality necessary for learning is curiosity, and curiosity is vulnerable... If you're not vulnerable you don't care. If you don't care you can barely learn anything
Very insigtful presentation. I wish everyone would watch this.
Fascinating lecture. It really explains so much in society.
Wonderful lecture. I learned a lot.
brilliant!
Excellent !
Fantastic talk
I told my daughters why do you want to be a Pringle? They laughed and said what? Look at the chips, they all look alike. Be yourself., not everyone else. Schools teach kids to be robots. Then as adults we are really good at it. 😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂
Very insightful
Humans are more than brutal intellect. They are also instinct, intuition and imagination.
Genius" Dr.! " 😃
When my babies say no it makes me laugh. I'm not telling them to not say no. They are just adorable.
Love his impersonations!😁👍
And this bullying lecture was a decade ago and here we are in 2022, where school and mass shootings are a weekly occurrence.
If we keep doing what we are doing, we will keep getting what we are getting. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.
In the words of Dr. Robert Block, the former President of the American Academy of Pediatrics, "Adverse childhood experiences are the single greatest unaddressed public health threat facing our nation today."
It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men. -Frederick Douglass
great information! thankyou
10 years ago was 2011..... holy crap time flies so fast!!! D:
Amazing.
I am double majoring in Child Development and Applied Behavioral Science. I love finding lectures on youtube. This is my favorite lecture so far! It is extremely informative and makes so much sense. Thank you for sharing!! I just ordered two of his books on Amazon :)
Dr. Mate starts @ 1:38
The greatest psychotherapist and healer i've ever seen. Years a head!!! 👍
gifted human
explendid!!!! Gabor Mat'e!!!!! Love :3
Hungarians (including the Hungarian government) were always very dedicated to ensure proper child development. Just seeing the name "Maté Gábor ", I already knew that this will be an incredible lecture with golden information to all parents!
Very well done presentation!
Lo amamos mucho mas que al papa.Usted es una gran persona.
Giving them to adults too
18:35, as a parent, a parent's help for a career whose job continues to be a bliss because of my gathered wisdom and of the knowledge that GM shares and gets us to meditate on; this👆 I was not ready for but I could never have come up with a better demonstration on matters concerning reward and punishment in a relationship with anyone. Its not a healthy relatiinship if its bound by luck of freedom to be.The teenager convo while speaking on attachment is also a killer😅😅❤. Just thanks.
😂
What!? where's the q & a??? I need it in my life. Great lecture. I discovered him in Zeitgeist Moving Forward as well as many other great minds.
Another great researcher for children and behavior backed by tons of research is Alfie Kohn.
Absolutely, I got that impression too. He claims that modern day scientists can not see past their cultural bias to understand causality, but he relies heavily on his own bias. Not saying he is completely wrong. I am just saying that he seems to blame technology and present circumstances on the issues, I don't think he is looking at the bigger picture here. Attachment issues alone are only partially responsible for the problems we face today, it is a conglomeration of issues, not just one.
I Am Following Those Lectures with Great Interest..
Trying to Educate Myself.
I Find It Very interesting..
My Beloved Spiritual Healing Prophet Muhammad Peace be upon him.
A Saying..
IT'S A PIECE OF FLESH ( OUR HEART)❤
IF BEING SOUND ..
ILLUMINATING..
HEALTHY SIMPLICITY & BEYOND.
OUR SOPHISTICATED HUMAN NATURE..
THOSE UNIVERSAL PARTS OF OURSELF.
PATTERN..
ALL THE BODY WILL BE SOUNDNESS...
Translation of The Words Can Not Be Giving The Wealth & Depths of Original Language .
But I See The Knowledge Here Illuminated .
So Thanks uploading This..
Obviously
Could you please tell me the names of some of the studies you refer to, especially the Australian one.
17:45 You have to first connect with them, before you can Taking-Care-Of them.
1:12:52 And Gordon saids, Collect them before you direct them, bring them under your wings.
16:26 to 30:34 -- 35:31 to 40:15 -- 45:21 to 59:07
Childhood Emotional Neglect
I really wanted to hear the Questions and Answers as well though. :(
But an incredibly good lecture!
Extremely interesting person, Mate is.
With immensely interesting world views.
We definitely need more people like him in our world.
Cheers for uploading!