Narcissistic fathers are very controlling and invalidating. The child will grow up with low self-esteem and thinking that they're not good enough for anyone or anything. This might develop into anxiety, body dysmorphia and even suicidal thoughts. Children of a narcissistic father all share one thing in common... they all feel like they are not good enough. The reason for this is because the narcissistic father disowns their feelings by projecting them on to their children. Narcissistic fathers will leave you without support. They are self absorbed and they lack empathy. They only care about themselves and they have no consideration for you.
You might develop body image problems because Dad put you on a diet and expressed rage when you reached puberty, but praised you for dieting away your periods. In my way, we know but don't know that it happened.
tell me about it, my dad was definitely the worst thing that ever happened to me. Now I'm 51, completely messed up, drinking too much, can't remember an hour without suicidal ideation going back to the 1970s. I"m definitely the child who left them behind forever, except in my fked up mind.
feeling unseen - check seeking out safety - check trying to win people over - check selling myself short - check not feeling worthy - check never seeing a healthy relationship - check I fought for most of my life, but I finally gave up. He has been dead for 21 years, and I almost feel like I can breathe now. Almost.
self medication-check. getting a scientific degree while not even being allowed to come home - check. getting "useless" as a funny nickname in front of people - check.
Babies please know that if you ever feel like having low self-esteem or not good enough no matter what you do, it's your narcissit parent's failure in raising you. THEY DID YOU WRONG. You were born an angel, and it was not your fault.
Thanks Lori, if you watch 'Silver Skates' on Netflix there's an artsy dance/read on Geminis ♊/my kids are Gemini, June 7th and June 9th, 2 yrs one 1 day apart and still dickhead complains! Love back at you!
I went NC with my narc dad and his flying monkey filled family over 11 years ago. I received a call 7 months ago that my dad had passed away. I have shed so many tears filled with grief and pain over my dad who I loved but he just brought so much horror into my life. After he passed, his family tried reaching out to me ( just to get gossip about me I am sure). I did not respond to them n they now have left me alone. This Fathers day is the 1st one I finally have peace that he is no longer on the earth and can't harm or frighten me anymore....A 50 year nightmare is finally over.
Hi hon, I'm no contact with them now, same situation, I was there when they took dad's tube out and didn't his tongue 😝 come out with it! He always felt like everyone was taking advantage of him, not me though, he couldn't even swing by at Xmas for my kids, my husband's family is all in Europe as his parents passed away and my family's so toxic here.... Well to bad for them all now, I've a great green space in the burds and they know to keep their distance 'cause I've had enough! It's a sad situation, they worry (the dads) about how things went bad for them and there's no one taking their place for us, oh well, good to have a head's up on how rotten people can behave, less surprises you and your stomach can take more, it's them which ruined what should have been life cherishing moments, malignant mom set him up to beat her weekly, I over heard cops saying they weren't referees once, oh my, even they were sick of it all! Think I could ever mention that? No way, couldn't step on his little ego 'cause he'd suffered too much... Suuurrreeee!
I'm so sorry that you had to go through this. I went NC with my narc father about 7 months ago and he hasn't called during that time. The thing is I know that if he were in an accident, in the hospital, etc., that no one would call me until way after the fact. That's how it's always been with him. When I read that you weren't notified until after your father passed I know that that very well could happen to me, too. Not sure how that makes me feel, but I have a feeling that I'll never be able to have complete healing from this until he is gone and I know that he can't abuse me any more.
Starting around Grade 8 or so, I realized that my Dad was toxic to my mental health.I spent the rest of my life telling my mother that I never wanted to spend any time alone with my father. For her part, she kept using guilt to get me to spend time with him. While my Dad had his good moments, they were rare and overwhelmed by his bad ones.When my father died, relief was perhaps the biggest thought that went through my mind.
@@Chahlie oh my God!... :( that's evil. I feel for all the innocent little children who should be experiencing a safe home environment and protection from adults but it's all stolen away from them. Some people can be real cruel, it's heartbreaking.
@@Chahlie That's messed up... My father (that was a RCMP policeman) did nothing about his POS father that abused my sister and 2 cousins. Failed in his duties as a cop and a father..... Hell, he even tried to bribe my sister into being nice with her abuser for shoes! I'm glad I cut him off a bit over a week ago!!!
7th 8th grade (12-14) was a turning point for me too. As soon as I found a voice and some agency. In other words, when I graduated from being an adoring plaything to an actual person.
My dad is a malignant narcissist. He likes breaking my confidence, invalidating me, downplaying my achievements and lacks empathy and I don't exist, my emotional needs don't matter. I am now abandoned by him
@@theylovekenzieee__ follow your dreams and don't let his invalidation and abandonment break you. Go within and achieve your dreams and soar. Be your own father as we always have been. Don't betray yourself by wishing him 'father's' day when he never played that role and in fact was a complete opposite of it ie abusive. A father nurtures and I have decided that I will be my own hero
@@justflow1964 dude i almost started crying... you have no idea how awful it's been the past couple months and hearing that basically i don't have to feel guilty ab it feels different. up until ab a couple months ago i never got a clear diagnoses on my father and why he did what he did and said what he said . i knew there was something wrong w him but i didn't know what. ive been doing a lot better now living with my mom compared to the horrible place i was in living with him , it still hurts from time to time. especially because i lived with him for 18 years of my life and i still feel like i don't know him and he doesn't know me. but i am learning and growing every day , and the one thing that kept me going was finding out that i wasn't alone. so thank you🥲❤️ love and light to you
My dad is a narcissist. His birthday was last week and now today is father's day. I feel depressed. I feel like I've spent my whole life trying to please him, to get him to notice me, so I could get the dad I so desperately want and need. I've slowly come to the realization that he isnt going to be the dad I have a picture of. But I have a wonderful step dad, and although he's fairly new into my life, he's already done so many things that I've wished my dad would do for me, without even knowing ive wanted those things. And my husband is the absolute best. The exact opposite of my dad. He always puts his family first. He constantly shows love and affection. He nurtures our kids and their interests and talents. He spends time with them. He's the dad I wish I had and I absolutely love that.
I'm happy for your good stepdad and good husband, and also get why you're depressed. Just let yourself grieve the "great dad" you never had and won't have. It is how it is, and it's not your fault at all.
I can't relate and I pray you can heal from the trauma. Also Luv, there's no pleasing people like this, even if they gave you Life. I was blessed with an Amazing husband isn't anything like my stepfather. I use to call him a Devil for all of the abused and trauma he caused. Unfortunately it has trickled down to three of my brothers. Sadly, they're repeating the pattern.
I'm so sorry. Father's Day is so rough for those of us who have or had a narcissist father. Thankfully mine passed away a few years ago, but I spent most of my life trying to please him too. You can't please a narcissist. The day I realised that and accepted he was never going to be any different was a day of freedom. It didn't make everything better, and there were times I had to keep reminding myself of that fact, but it helped a lot. Give yourself that gift. It's wonderful you now have an amazing stepfather, and husband! You chose well, and that's important.
Father's Day doesn't mean anything to me anymore, he didn't care about me why should I care about him? Honestly, the only reason why I get reminded of Father's Day is that I have friends who have good close relationships with their dads.
The seemingly desirable family model was the Brady Bunch, but I couldn’t believe families could be that kind toward one another. My damaged family was my reality and all households were like this
My father was a narcissist and quite literally called himself the “all knowing” He would uplift my brothers while tearing my mom and I apart verbally and physically behind closed doors. Even sexually with me on occasion. It sucked and I always felt like I had to put on a show in front of the family. My mom never stood up for me cause of Stockholm syndrome. He never gave me or my brothers a proper foundation and everything always revolves around him and his emotions and ego. My grandfather was also an abusive man so pretty sure my father learnt it from him and never healed. It’s taken me years to understand that I operate from major father wounds within my relationships with other men. I always go for men that don’t want me it’s sad and I’m just now realizing this. I wanna go to group therapy so I feel less alone it’s a heavy weight 😣 Thank you for these videos. I pray everyone out there struggling today feels light and love. You are not alone.
I feel your pain. I'm a people pleaser and always go for narcissistic men. Deep inside I feel undeserving of love. I haven't had much success in traditional therapy, so I am planning on working on these deep rooted issues using psychedelics. Best of luck to you!!
I'm so sorry that you went through this. I did as well. My father never sexually abused me, but he called me terrible names like slut and whore. I was raped at 14 years old and couldn't report this to my parents because I knew this would just make my dad's behavior worse, and that my mom wouldn't do anything, since she allowed these verbal attacks from my father. Hang in there and do seek therapy. It had helped me tremendously. You are not alone. ❤
My dad has the “all knowing” thing too… He is convinced he shouldn’t be learning new things because why should he? He has nothing to learn according to him
I have a wired memory , i was bending to take something out of a closet, i was 21, with a short skirt and my dad smacked me on the but. Is that sexual? I goen no contact with him lately for other reasons, he is definitely a narcissist but that memory... I don't know what to make of that . What do you think?
I go through cognitive dissonance every father's day as I want to celebrate the father that my community adores and highly respects yet he is the one who hurt me the most to the depths of my core.
Dr. Ramani, you broke my heart in your video yesterday where you were crying and validating people who have PTSD symptoms. Thanks so much for validating these very painful experiences. A lot of therapists (from my own discovery -- been in therapy on and off since 12 YO, I'm 41 now) do not seem to believe me when I tell them how much my Dad has impacted me in a negative manner. I've even had therapists shame me for going no contact with my father or for setting a boundary. I'm about to quit therapy altogether, I think, since it isn't very supportive and try to quit drinking on my own, too. It's strange when your therapy just becomes a new analogue of the very dynamic you are trying to escape -- one rife with disbelief, criticism and judgment, and a bunch of rules to follow for "compliance." To all those broken-hearted today on Father's Day, you are not alone. Be a parent to yourself today in the manner you were not treated. Celebrate YOUR accomplishments today and don't forget to congratulate yourself, even just for doing something small like emptying the dishwasher!
So true. I've struggled lately with my religion who also seems to preach with little compassion and much enabling. I think that's my next arena to work through
@@tawneenielsen4080 You aren't alone on the religion thing. I really like the "Unholy Charade" blog which is narc-wise about abuse in churches & church families.
@Curious - I've found reputable therapists useless for anything except getting info. I've found community and good friends much more healing. Have you found eplacement families/tribes, like fandoms & recovery community more helpful?
Yes, my dad was a narc abuser and my family of origin was filled with other, equally abusive people (such as a highly abusive, violent grandfather) and circles of enablers and flying monkeys. In addition to therapy, 12-step recovery programs like Alcoholics Anonymous for people who want help with alcohol addiction, and programs like Co-dependents Anonymous, can be very helpful. Sending you good thoughts for your recovery. You did not deserve to be abused by your narc or anyone else. None of us did. We can find recovery though. For me, my recovery from familial abuse is a daily practice. That's OK. I have found greater serenity, happiness and prosperity in my life since I've been in recovery and went no-contact with my family of origin 30+ years ago.
As someone who has lived this before, I will urge you to keep looking for different therapist pros. If you can afford etc. You have simply been getting the wrong fit for you. It is ok to keep looking for a person that you actually can have productive conversation with. I had a bad fit for a while, even had to teach them things I was needing help getting through... Found a specialist that fits my needs way better that the med insurance approves, and thanks to pandemic infrastructure changing I am seeing them thanks to remote video appts. Wishing you a smooth day today.
It took me 35 years to realise that I have a narcissist father. I'm happy to say that I have an awesome relationship with my kids, because my dad taught me in every way how NOT to be a father.
As a 17 year old...I am completely dependent on my narc father(mainly for studies).....Sometimes it really confuses me how differently this person presents himself to the outside world( almost like an angel) while in the house when no one is there(except mom and younger sibling) he becomes a devil....Every other day I cry thinking the tortures he is doing on me( and other family members) He has broken me from inside.....May be I will never be able to recover I no longer believe in love and don't care for others, don't want to have my own family cuz I am scared that will same as him....OH LORD
That sounds awful. I am sorry you are suffering through that. I wish the best for you and the others in your family who are going through this. Stay strong ❤️
Such a tough situation being in the same household as narc parent. Sorry you’re going through this, it’s not your fault. The good thing is that at 17 years old you’re already so self aware and understand his disorder. Understanding is half the battle💪🏾
Don't ever lose your beautiful soul to other people's darkness. There are many many caring and loving people in the world. You just have to turn your back on those who doesn't care for you and let that space fill with people who do. You ARE worthy of love, care, compassion and time. You just have wrong people arou d you, but it's not your fault.
My dad is a narcissist. The classic grandiose charming narc that everyone loved and thought was oh so wonderful. We were invisible only until for his image he needed to take us off the shelf and show off what a good father he was. Invalidating, demeaning, verbally and emotionally abusive, constantly on the rat race to win his attention and approval. Then as a teen after realizing he'd only ever approve of himself and all his relationships were based on his image and making him feel good i stopped bothering to please him. Went no contact 10yrs ago, best decision i ever made
one thing that drew me to my husband was that he was so much like my father.... not realizing what narcissism was I dismissed and ignored all the horrible things in my childhood..... now I realize how much they really are alike.... I wish my eyes had been opened years ago
I hated fathers day my whole life! When my dad died couple years ago I felt relieved. I was able to forgive him before he died but I still feel relieved that it is over. Thank Dr.!
My father is my inspiration. His behaviour goes beyond narcissism. He’d rather impress a stranger than visit his son, my brother furloughed in covid, his wife working saving covid patients, and his grandchildren, which he uses as a competition on his sister that he holds many a grudge against. This is the first Father’s Day we’ve not sent or done anything for him, as he should be Preoccupied impressing strangers, telling them how his children have no time for him, when a free meal came before seeing his own family, that he’d not seen in months. When people show you their true colours, believe them. Maya Angelou.
I always hated Father's Day when my narcissist father was alive. Trying to find a card that was the least dishonest was a chore, and reading all the cards extolling how wonderful other people's fathers were only drove it home that mine wasn't any of those things. This is an up side of sending or giving cards becoming a thing of the past. I did a combination of freeze, flight, fight, and fawn. Flight when possible, freeze when not, fight when pushed too much and too often, fawn when mistakenly thinking anything I could say or do would make any difference. Next year I'm going to turn Father's Day into celebrating the Father I Never Had But Deserved Day 🎉
The list of ways one can be shaped by a narcissistic parent... I tick ALL the boxes. What the hell?! Why do I feel like such an idiot? I always felt strong for coping, but every choice I've made in my life was just a reaction to my parents abuse?! My life isn't my own at all...
i feel this. I went No Contact with father 3 years ago and just recently with the rest of the family for good. It's been a gradual process, but Im seeing now how much Im able to love myself and live the life I want, even though it hurts like hell to not have family. Honestly Im so much better without them making me feel ashamed and unimportant and invisible and invalidate my feelings, thoughts, achievements, trying to feed off of my good spirit for them to survive. Honestly this sounds like you're taking ownership of your story. best of luck.
My daddy was very toxic when I was growing up and he still is today. I will never forget being a teenager and remembering actually saying the words, I hate him! He told me a few months ago that when I was younger I was very recluse, but little did I know, I stayed in my room all the time because I was hiding from the monster I call “daddy.” He’s verbally abusive to my mom and she’s weak and spineless so she deals with it, he’s controlling and very invalidating to say the least! None of my siblings see any wrong in him, especially the two older sisters who he has under his thumb and control. I have completely disengaged though and I’m ready to move forward without them. I don’t owe them anything and I could care less what they think at this point. The sad thing is, I actually TRIED to have conversations and reconcile to make things better, but to no avail. They want it to stay toxic and dysfunctional because that’s what they’re used to… I’m not with that though.
My father is a maglinate narcissist his temper was so bad his own job Sent him to anger management and he came home telling us he didn't need it because it was our fault for his angry outburst. Also because the therapist was a woman he said ( she's a woman what does she know). I use to rebel to piss him off on purpose now I'm in my 30's and healing. Because he spoiled my youngest sister she still caters to him in a way so now if I have to its 20 minutes top with my dad or surround in a group of people because some of them have seen how he can personally attack me so they can defuse the situation. Especially when he's trying to tune out everyone to focus on me in a negative way. I don't really have too many good memories of him just a bunch of bad ones of him being angry, verbally attacking me, bad mouthing me to neighbors and nearly being physically abusive. It gets hard when my sister defends him but I'm doing my best to move on from it now
Unfortunately that something we all share with our narcissistic dads 💔 Lots of pain and grief not knowing what a healthy relationship between the dad and his daughter should be💔💔
My narcissistic then husband blamed me for his angry outbursts, too. He used to say, "I wouldn't treat you like this if you did what I told you to do!"
Move on, with that move he'll lose his target, guess who's next in line? Believe it and he'll worsen with age, her turn! It happened to me, biggest surprise of my life, I've not seen her in 7 yrs, suits me fine and I hope she's soon out of time!
@@loishines1023 what that's, think for yourself? Can't believe it! My older overt coke head sis and her husband would argue loud and clear on which way one wiped, unbelievable and in the kitchen no less, no contact with her, he's long dead and my bathroom business remains my own!
Thank you for this! Yes I have a Self-Righteous Narcissistic Father, who I moved back in with back in January when I decided to leave my Narcissistic husband. It has not been easy at all because my Mother is his Co-Dependent. I'm trying to do everything I can to move out as quickly as possible. Father's Day for me is not a joyous occasion. I bought a card to be nice, but while everyone on social media is celebrating their Dad's I just don't feel that way.
The highlights in this Video. 1. Your Experience of having a rage full, controlling, Invalidating and neglectful father. 2. You end up choosing partner same as your father meaning controlling, invalidating. 3. pleasing people from friends, colleagues, boss and everyone just like your father. Everyday is a game day in an attempt to win them over. 4. selling yourself short, Feeling unworthy, damage it does within the family and siblings. 5. The power that the father possessed make their children Freeze, flight, fight and Fawn. 6. Festivals are pointless. I did experience all of it. It broke my heart when I was going through dark times of depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, pleasing people, allowing them to take advantage of me, freezing, fleeing, fighting, fawning at the same time feeling confused about being too sensitive to everything and not being able to recognise an ounce of it and feeling ashamed of myself just for my being, having body image issues. It makes sense finally after all these years and its still not too late. Happy recovery to everyone of you. :)
I went no-contact for a long time and last year when my uncle/dad's brother passed away I went to the funeral to support my auntie (dad and uncle's sister) and cousins. I felt that maybe my father would take stock and realise what is important and for a few months he seemed to warm up to me again. I still hold out hope he will have an enlightening "Scrooge" on Christmas Day moment. I know this is stupid. He doesn't like me and hasn't for a long time (if he ever did in the first place). I need to stop giving chances.
After 50 years on the planet, I’ve given my father chance after chance to no avail. We went through several periods of no contact and then he’d APPEAR to change. Yet, there was NEVER an apology. Then, in time, he’d go right back to his old ways. Now, I am officially DONE. I have FINALLY accepted that I do not deserve this and I am worth so much more. No more walking on eggshells. I can exhale. I am finally FREE AT LAST!!!
I have tried to make a point to my dad over the past few years by NOT getting him anything for father's day, not even a card at all. This year on Friday I decided to get him a card and a couple small gifts, plus $10 I put in the card. He was nice to me and seemed to appreciate that I did that for him. BUT ..... yesterday on Saturday he's back to being his asshole self, and he yelled at me for no good reason, so I yelled back at him and told him he was being a stupid jerk. Now today is Father's Day and I am so DONE with his bullshit. I was supposed to go with them to my sister's house for a Father's Day get together but I just took off this morning and I'm spending my day at a coffee shop. It's noon right now and I don't know if they realize I'm not home, no one has called my phone at ALL and maybe they're all gossiping about what a terrible daughter I am. Oh well, as Phil Collins would state in his song, I DON'T CARE ANYMORE!!!!!!
Scrooge is a great metaphor for a reformed narcissist - but narcissists will never understand it is them, and they will never change. I bought A Christmas Carol for my ex last Christmas, shortly before I broke up with him, not yet aware he was a narcissist, even though I had already identified most of the traits and realised he would never change. Then I understood that my father was a narcissist, too, and all the pieces of the story of my life fell into place. I hope you find peace.
That is the question I have been asking myself every day for the last year! 😭 Dr Ramani confirmed this tragedy. Unseen is the word that really hits hard. Eternal struggle to prove yourself. This video broke my heart by opening the wound again. Thank you Dr Ramani. Sending lots of love to everyone watching these videos 💔
Although I dont know you that person was your father. We should hold no hatred for our parents. Yes they were just as imperfect as we all are but they are still our parents. No matter what.
@@ghuyakalika me to it's so much easier to freely forgive others for there mistakes knowing full well that we daily also make mistakes too! This is what God wants us to do freely forgive one another to the best of our abilities. Holding grudges only hurts ourselves. Let go forgive. I know I for one am far far from perfect and make so many mistakes. I do my best to forgive others for anything they do to me.
My dad is a malignant narcissist and DR. Ramani has said pretty much everything I’ve been thru. One thing I personally want to add, when I was a kid and up to my teenage, every time I saw my friends or other kids had different relationships with their dads (which is healthy one and not like me and my siblings toward our dad), there are things that always come to my head was ~that relationship wasn’t real, that can’t be true, is there such a thing caring and loving dad in this world???~ It’s such a toxic and so dysfunctional narcissistic parent would be for their children and even worse it shapes their children’s psychology into ‘what they’re going thru with their dads are normal’. It’s poison!
I remember looking at 'healthy' kids like looking at a zoo animal, listening to their parents saying non-evil things, and when I saw other kids parents smile at each other, or God forbid, touch each other, I was fascinated... what was this weird thing. I remember so clearly visiting my grandfather and his new wife and each time she walked past his chair she touched his shoulder- it was a complete mystery to me. In my world the only touch we got was being wallopped by mother or dad coming on to you. Sneers were the #1 communication.
My narcissist husband of thirty-two years died on Monday this week. He was on hospice only two weeks. His rapid decline shocked the hospice staff. They just didn’t see what I was. I also found out that the funeral plans that he had arranged told me he had paid for it. I found out yesterday that he didn’t. I’m waiting to see if he transferred his money to his family. I’m hurt, frustrated, and periodically angry. This isn’t good. Although I helped his nieces when their parents were on hospice. They never visited us. Now they are coming out of the woodwork to vie for his belongings.
I actually feel bad today , a person who has been bullying me for 12 years tried it today and im ashamed I totally lost it at her , I'm sick of being bullied by these narcs , I just try too get away but they use my children against me as Porns of abuse even turn my children against me , they tried too control my decisions today and I completely lost it because they are not my family now , I feel so bad because ive been silent the whole time and today I finally stuck up for myself and now I'm crying because I have a empathic heart and don't like being like them, I can't beleive I stuck up for myself, I've never done that ever , God it felt good to stick up for myself but bad because I felt like im acting like them xxx
when you think sticking up for yourself is narcissistic....you have got some serious self educating to do. Because the opposite is true, it is healthy behaviour. You need to get used to it, keep doing it, if you think you are worth it!
Firm protective boundaries are your very BEST friend, not easy at first- you will make mistakes. Just re assess and go forward - boundaries , boundaries, boundaries will save your dignity and your sanity.. stay strong! Don’t give up nor give in!! 🧘🏻♂️✌🏻🦋
Thank you. I struggle every day living with my narcissist elderly father that has never validated my life. My father is never wrong, never apologizes, nothing is ever his fault, he never accepts responsibility, he never tells the truth, and he is extremely self centered. My brother is the same way as well.
My father was a malignant narcissist, I believe he was the entire Dark Triad. He left a path of destruction where he went including murdering my mother and talking his way out of wing considered a suspect. I knew he did it, he was always swindling, conning or doing something violent or mean. He admitted it to one sister a few years before he died. It was by the grace of God that I survived the few years we lived with him, I turned to prayer and it changed how I communicated with him as self-defense & taught me so much.
Mine is quite possibly the most cunning and conniving narc father on planet earth. He operates with such stealth and is so good at playing the victim card that it never ceases to astound me. Narc fathers are like rotten tomatoes. They will cause you to rot, physically, emotionally, spiritually and psychologically, till the time you make the decision to let go of him for good.
These holidays sadden me like today with celebrating mother’s and Father’s Day because I can’t. I don’t get on social media really especially days like this it’s too hurtful and a lot of it on there is fake and not real anyways. I can’t talk to my parents, they are so cold, invalidating, dismissive, narcissistic and angry/rageful towards me it’s horrible. They minimize and gaslight everything I say where I now feel numb to the abuse. I don’t matter or feel seen by them, they have neglected and abandoned me. with their harsh mean words and behavior. They are so negative and controlling all they have done is put me down, they’ve shown me no support love or encouragement for me living my life. They won’t go to therapy with me and I’m going to therapy because I know I didn’t do anything wrong here for them to treat me this horrid way. It breaks my heart that I feel like a orphan when my parents are alive they are just choosing to be crap to me. I’ve been going no contact with them for quite sometime now because every time I’ve tried to have a healthy 2 way street relationship I get met with a one street, their one my way of the highway type of relationship and it’s so wrong and messed up.
Yes, me too. My family of origin was extremely abusive and toxic. I went no-contact with all of them including narc father 30 years ago. It saved my life. I have found greater happiness; a stable, sane, nice supportive partner, and close, kind friends who are my family now. It is possible for all of us to recover from such abuse and lead happier, better lives. My recovery from the abuse is a daily practice, one day at a time. Sending you positive thoughts and energy on your road to recovery. 12-step recovery programs like Co-dependents Anonymous (CoDA), can be helpful, too, in addition to therapy. CoDA meetings are worldwide including phone-in, online and hopefully one day soon, in-person again, too, in many places.
I told my mum once that it's better for orphans, because they don't expect their parents to care. It's worse when you have parents and you expect them to care and acknowledge you but they don't. Orphans break their heart once, we break our hearts many times. That's when she said "look at how well orphans turn out despite having no parents at all" (gasslighting the emotional abandonment and neglect)
Cut your losses, count your blessings, at least you know and with that comes the knowledge that you don't have to tolerate their abuse any more, this might be the best any one of us could hope for, don't take it for granted!
We should pick a specific day to celebrate narcissistic abuse survivors, that would be a day I'd gladly celebrate, I hope everyone's doing okay today, these holidays aren't fun when you don't get the love you deserve from your family
@@out4dinner478 That's for sure! I was considering an order of protection from my mom for a while, and I was told that there's nothing that can be done unless there are physical signs of abuse or stalking behavior. Well I think PTSD is physical enough to prove anyone's abuse. It's so unfair to see all these support groups and therapists that don't acknowledge this kind of abuse, I've cancelled all my therapy appointments because my therapist is a bit condescending. She never remembers anything I tell her, and I know i've brought it up. Therapy is only as healing as the professional who's walking you thorugh it. If they're not a good fit you won't get any better.
DYK : Narcissist also usually don't celebrate any holidays or birthdays. To those that have sad memories of fathers day, in attempt to try win them over which didn't happen - wasn't going to happen, we understand !
My dad morphed from the codependent enabler into a narcissist himself over the past few years (spiritual narcissism), after i finally woke up to the abuse and became the whistle blower. For my whole life even though he enabled the abuse from my mother, at least he was nice to my face. But the past few years that’s totally changed, and now they both gang up on me as a team if given the opportunity. I tried to save my dad from the abuse and wake him up bc I had love/care for him, and all he did was betray me on a grand scale more than once. The only time he’s ever really cared to talk to me (and especially over the past few years) is to attempt to proselytize me and preach his spiritual beliefs, and will completely rage out when i express contrasting beliefs and don’t just go along with what he says. Anyway so now in his eyes i’m the villain of the family AND prob some kind of adversary in his eyes, in regards to how i won’t just fall in line and believe the same things he does, just because he’s convinced himself. Yeah today sucks
Why does this sound SO much like my dad. He would rage out if I expressed a contrary religious opinion to his . A couple years ago I in a moment of trying to break through to him and understand him I brought up the fact that the god of the Bible loves his children unconditionally , and all I got I got was I can’t love you if you don’t believe what I believe . Even when I did I never felt loved by him in any way so there’s no point in changing my beliefs to get approval or “love” from a person to whom unconditional love to his children is a foreign concept apparently (so much for being a regular churchgoer for all his life ) . I came to this conclusion: the best relationship with my dad is no relationship . It doesn’t make it all better bit at least I’m minimizing the drama in my life . Stay strong and heal 💪🏼
I went no-contact 30+ years ago with my toxic, abusive family of origin including narc father and all of the other abusers, enablers, and flying monkeys. Best decision I ever made for my sanity, mental and physical well-being, and independence. I realized that I had to break free of the shackles of my family's abusive communications and toxicity. My life has been much better without them. I have found support through a loving partner, a circle of sane, kind friends, and 12-step recovery programs like Co-dependents Anonymous. Sending you positive thoughts on your road to recovery.
@@vladislavkozlov4978 i can relate with you. I feel anxious and nervous when it comes to practicing my beliefs, because they are different from all my family. When i changed my religion, my brother was just destroying me verbally. Mother went into complete denial. Every year i have to explain myself and listen to the same nasty comments or ridiculing, like i never told them nearly 10 years ago that i reverted. I even have a son and they believe that i have no rights practicing my religion with him. They think he should choose when he's 18. But somehow, nobody gave me this kind of choice when i was a kid. It's perfectly fine when it fits them. As soon as it doesn't fit, you're the "brainwashed, crazy, squeezed your head etc" i have to take a lot from them since. For example, they know i stopped having alcohol but still would offer me and pull faces when i refuse. Brother said he doesn't trust people who don't drink. And that's supposed to be your own family? No support, no taking interest, just using as a punching bag and ignoring. I wish i had an option to limit contact with them.
My Mom died in February and my dad lives with bipolar 1 with paranoia and psychosis and I’m pretty sure whoever diagnosed him missed the narcissist part of his diagnosis. I’m in bed recovering from my Dads abuse and with severe anemia. Since my Mom died, I have been watching your videos every day, often more than once. Thank you for helping me stay sane through this Dr. Ramani.
I just realize it was father day! I went no-contact for 6 years and I just realize that I don’t even had the tought of him, it’s like if he was dead. I have a wonderful dinner yesterday with my father in law, for me the father day thing was done! I still have to accept that I don’t have to be perfect to be accepted and love. Sometimes in occasions like this you realize that you have make progress.
There’s always hope of creating a healthy family yourself. Do the hard work in therapy so you can be in a position to CREATE your own healthy family . Then you will see what a healthy family looks like ✊💪🏼
Thank you, Dr. Ramani, for your care and support. I cannot tell you how big of an impact you're having on the world, on our lives personally. We can feel the resonance of your big heart uplifting us as we analyse ourselves and our relationships. I am so grateful for what you're doing and I wish I could give you a hug! Much love to you 💖
Thank you. This year my father past away at the age of 94. And aldo I build myself a pretty good life, after he died I finally felt free. So ya, its important to think on days like these about all the people who feel pain and loneliness instead of joy.
Tw: 😍 sure :( there will be times when i think about the trauma and wonder how i didnt know it was abuse. You should not be crying till you r hyperventilating from emotional and physical pain inflicted by someone whose supposed to love you...you have blinders on when you dont know how love is supposed to look!
Your responsibility to yourself and everyone around you is to take steps to heal yourself and dont be afraid to ask for help! That is easier said then done!
Yes, I really feel this comment. Never understood why my father and ex hated me so much when I cried. Other people were treated differently. I honestly thought it must be me. That I must appear hideous when I cry. Now I get it. Best wishes for you ❤️
Right now i am going through a truely confusing time of my life where law-enforcement and childprotective services are involved in the effects of my father's behavior. Eventhough i know he's bad and he has done bad things throughout my life, i struggle with feelings of guilt and am afraid i am 'ratting him out'. You have no idea how much your comment helps me. You are right, he should not leave me crying and hyperventilating. Thank you for making me realise this.
Dad wasnt a narc but he was a narc enabler to my mom, abused by her just as much as I was. Taken advantage of in every way possible even after she divorced him. He did her bidding and was an absent Dad to me until he started to recover in my late 30s and just died 6 months ago. I feel like our relationship was repaired the last few years but I will always wonder if he would have been a lot happier if he wasnt an enabler of her horrible ways.
My dad was in the same boat. He tried so hard for her and stayed for us kids (9 of us) for 27 years before the stress broke his body as well. I am grateful that he did as much as he could for us, and it breaks my heart at how thoroughly she abused him.
Thank you, Dr Ramani, for acknowledging how painful this day, and any holiday, can be for some of us. It is comforting just knowing others are out there that sincerely understand 💜 Much love & graditude to you for all you share.
Thanks to you.. I discovered before my dad passed that he was a self righteous narcist. I never could quite grapple with how he never truly loved or cared for my safety. It's heart breaking. Its important to know
Step father is a Machiavellian narcissist. My youngest childs father is incredibly narcissistic. He stood her up for a phone call day before yesterday and when she waited long enough (2 hours) she called him and he picked up the facetime and then HUNG UP ON HER. Never bothered calling her back and is now demanding to see her on “fathers day”. As far as I am concerned he doesnt deserve a celebration after the hell he has put her through. He can wait for his scheduled visitation
@C Brown - yes, please protect your daughter from this toxicity! He tries to pull her close just to smack her down. Hope you’re documenting and recording all of these potentially damaging things he’s doing to support your case. In his sick, perverted mind he’s probably thinking he’s at war with you and using your daughter as a pawn. I’m glad you see through him. I wish you and you daughter the best. I hope there are other family and friends who support you. Things become more difficult for the narcissist when they see you have a lot of back-up and support. Hang in there!
@@amarnamizelle8432 thats exactly what he is doing! And to think that this “Father” was trying to make me and the kids homeless last month after already making us homeless in 2017. He is trash in my eyes and might as well be dead. Im keeping track of everything in a calendar. Hes not going to win this time and he sure as hell is not going to hurt my kids any longer
@@CBrown86 try to assemble a support network and if at all possible try to get as far away from him as possible (like moving to another state). He sounds like the type who’ll swoop in when his children get older and try to take credit for their (and your) accomplishments after he did everything to derail any progress. I wish you the best and hope you can assemble a team to support you and back you up. Keep us posted on how you’re doing.
@@eddierayvanlynch6133 Thanks. Its my most important job for my kids. Im not ever going to teach them to be doormats. The can be the bark and Ill be their bite. Im not going to be like my mother and offer my kids up as her sacrificial lamb
For so long I’ve always had a distant relationship with my father. We never speak about anything, and only ever interact when we need to. He’s an alcoholic, and never takes accountability for his actions. Always he brushes his mistakes off and doesn’t address his problems, because from my point of view, he doesn’t think there is a problem. He consistently repeats these behaviours and doesn’t realize how bad it affects me, his son. I’ve grown to be solitary towards my father, and he doesn’t seem to care at all because he never wants to come forward and have a deep conversation with me. I’ve had several times where I grew tired and exhausted and had a breakdown, but he viewed it as me being “difficult and a typical teenager,” and so I feel like I can’t even do anything to get him to understand what I’ve been going through. I’m 18 and moving out soon, and I don’t think there is anything I can do anymore so my only conclusion is to become estranged from him. I need to heal on my own, and shape who I am so I can prove I’ll be a better person.
Such a hard day, my dad was & unfortunately my husband too. I know he'll be mad he won't hear from our son, who had gone no contact almost a year ago. Thank you for this video!! You always are very relevant to my life!
I didn't contact my dad on Father's Day nor on his birthday. He constantly plays the victim and says that he won't bother making an effort for me if i won't. Every time i made an effort in the past, it would be good for a little while and then I was the only one making the effort again. I got over it and over him playing the victim. He is also extremely disrespectful to me and demands respect. I haven't seen him in over a year and don't intend to. There's a family get-together coming up and I'm not even going to that because of him. I'm just getting past my relationship with a narcissistic woman tbat was traumatic and intense and I don't need any more negativity!
Happy father's day to the best dad I could ever ask for I love you momma✨✨❤️❤️ I got this post from my daughter today. I was with her father for 30 years. He was there physically but never emotionally or mentally for our children. This text lets me know I did something right.
The story of my life that I had to aknowledge in full in order to heal and move forward. The most painful is the accumulation of narcissistic people that repeat the same patterns. It's like being wounded several times at the same place. Until you noticed what has been happening, you look back and you notice that a big part of your life has been like a walk in the desert The recover is slow and the scars very noticeable.
Thank you for this! This day has always been a holiday I dreaded, until my father finally passed away. I can't even express (without feeling major guilt) how I celebrate this day this day with such relief since he's been gone. I'm sharing this with my siblings.
Nope, my Dad was my narc Mom’s enabler. After she died I sat down and asked the hard questions. He was devastated by what he now sees happened more clearly. I finally have a relationship with him that my mother denied me.
Yes! And I definitely went in to freeze and still did as an adult around him. Thankfully I cut him from our life nearly 3 years ago and now celebrate my loving husband on father's day ❤️
I am 66 and my father will turn 94 in two weeks. This is always a difficult time for me, from picking out a card to just spending time with him. My brother has pretty much walked away and I am his care taker. It's tough, very tough. The control and the put downs are the worst and I know that I will not be completely free until he is no longer on earth. I still battle with guilt of my wishing we could get to the end of this father/daughter relationship. Never have I had warm or loving feelings towards him but I am doing my best to keep him safe in his old age and at times I wonder why as it is a never ending fight. I wish I could just let go but I can't just walk away, I tried that 3 years ago and it didn't work. Yes, I have been involved with men who are narcissists just like my dad and have given up with that part of my life. What I want is freedom to move, to live a life that isn't judged by my father and a life of peace and caring for myself.
My father is narcissistic. Actually, he is not a father, but a sperm bank. He wants all credits for just passing his chromosome to me. That's why I am a big fan of this channel, which has become a big support/therapy for me. Thanks Dr Ramani. Let's make a support group for "Narcissistic survivor from Narcissistic father". I don't have any support group and my surrounding friends don't understand the complication and give me pressure to pledge my sperm bank. He is a competitor, but not a supporter, which is an opposite meaning of father figure.
So true I have a really hard time calling him dad I actually never call him anything. It's really awkward and fake because he doesn't feel like a father he's never been there and when he was a real jerk to me.
agreed! they act like the child was delivered by a stork, like they didn't make a conscious decision to make a child. cowardly and pathetic, they'll get just what they deserve!🔥🔥🔥
My father is a narcissist he’s getting really old now but he still has the same temper and outlook, he controls everything always has. When I was young mom used to say wait till your father gets home and then I receive my punishment, super controlling takes a special kind of person, to be the way he is he’s a retired police officer. He did more damage to me and I realized until I got to be 56. I was a scapegoat I left home at 17 1/2 knowing it was a toxic environment...My mom and dad are still married my mom has dementia it’s really bad I know dad loves her in his own way but his number one priority is himself and when I tried to tell him how much Diet has to do with Your Health he never picked up the ball it’s all about him in fact he had me take it off the estate planning all together so now I’m completely disowned, I tried telling him he needs to buy grass fed beef and really actually spend money on food. When I was down there five years ago I cleaned out the fridge and freezer everything was expired, When I was a kid we had one dinner per week that was called bunk dinner because it was made entirely with expired stuff. He loved serving bunk meat.. He would smile and laugh about it as I was trying to choke it down, even to the point where I’d be sick then I’d be in trouble for being sick. I was treated like a criminal my rotator cuff in my left shoulder is still messed up from being an arm locks policeman style, Not to mention chokeholds.. My father is also a self professed bigot, who would come home and tell us At the dinner table all of his antics for the day. He ruined baseball for me when I asked him for a mitt He brought home a used left-handed meant for me and tell me and taking in from a little black kid on the corner at work.. I never used it, and this day I don’t even watch baseball.. He never came to any of my sporting events soccer, swim team, water polo… Yeah I’ll still call him today if he answers the phone which he Never does.. He just sits in his chair now watching TV old westerns as mom wanders out the door and around the neighborhood, I have volunteered to come home and help with mom but he doesn’t want me to because he gets so angry his eyes just pop out of his head, He gets right in your face being a former Marine Corps number like 1 inch from your face and yells at you, to this day he’s the only one that I really fear in this whole world… It really sucks living 652 miles away from them but that’s the kind of distance I had to put in over 45 years ago just to get away from him, years later I met what I thought was a nice lady she love bombed me , Which I was so happy to oblige but after 10 years of being with her and being engaged she left me for no reason I had lost her respect she said she said she still love me But wasn’t in love with me, It took me a while to figure out what was going on but unfortunately she was a covert narcissist that’s three years ago now, I had to look backwards in time To figure out how I got myself into this mess how I could be so codependent well that’s the answer Dad. I just suffered from a major stroke three months ago and had to pretty much give her all my family because they’re toxic. That’s why I’ve had hypertension since the 11th grade and that’s why my brain suffered from both and ischemic and hemorrhaging stroke it was really bad but I’m lucky to be alive just wish I could find a nice woman and watch sunset Someday...
I'm sorry, you're an adult now you can protect yourself and make yourself your number 1 priority without harming others of course unlike your father. Love and peace to your soul ❤
@@suzan-x3i my sister arranged zoom meeting (dad won’t tell me his email) we We’re on zoom for about 20 minutes, It was really good to see my mom I haven’t seen her in person in five years it is doing better mentally than my mom she has dementia but during the entire video time on zoom dad was facing to the left never loads to the camera had his hand in supporting his head and just plain listened and did not contribute to the conversation, how do you spoke of memories of him and I fishing when we were younger 49 Years ago we would go deep-sea fishing and to my surprise he remembered all that what I asked him if he remembered it he would just not his head then he spoke Up about the Captain And how drunk he would always be so I guess he didn’t respond in a little bit of a wait but that was it no Eye contact through the video app.. He just acted like he was very bored with the whole thing I did get to talk to my mom..My sister and I are trying to get them to move closer to us since we both moved 700 miles away or so and that way will be able to see them more often but they are non-amicable to the Idea, Even though it would be a much less expensive area to stay in anyways it was going to see mom and dad too But it was not a surprise that he didn’t really care
I was always a huge fawner. Thanks to Dr. Ramani and Pete Walker I am starting to finally thrive without needing to fawn to feel worthy. I am whole as I am.
My dad made me feel seen and loved when my covert mom was cold and invalidating. He worked a lot so I didn’t see him as often as I wanted, but I did hang out in his office as a kid. He used to let me draw on the chalkboard. He did take me to lunch often as an adult though. That was great. He was a tenured college professor and did important pioneering work in Computer Science. I miss my dad. My mom never did a celebration of life for my dad after he passed in 2018, when that’s what he wanted, and we never had a funeral service or anything. It was weird and that still bothers me today. My mom has gotten much meaner now that he’s gone. It is difficult having a narcissistic parent. Thanks for these videos, Dr. Ramani.
It's not too late for a Celebration of Life for your Dad. You could plan it yourself and invite the people closest to you and leave your mom out of it. She wouldn't even have to know.
My friends father hates it when the son does better than him. He is well connected and influences other people to have a negative view of the son. He really loves it when others say that he is so much better than the son. Glad my father is not like that. I feel sorry for my friend, he has given up hope in humanity. But we are trying our best to keep our friend happy and be there for him.
You shoul never tell him what you think. You will cause a narcissistic injury and he will then seek revenge on you. Dont react, dont defend yourself dont try to explain anything. You know whats what, learn to put up a metal shield around you and dont let whatever he says get to you... let it bounce off that shield. Ignore it. Be your thoughtful and nice self, and spend as little time as possible with him. And when you leave his house.... dont give him another thought until the next time you have to deal with him.
I’m going to do what my old therapist suggested I do . Your situation reminded me of it. Write ✍️ down everything that you want to say to your father , speak your truth write him a letter . You don’t have to ever give him the letter and it will help you process and cope . Imma go do this right now .
I’ve finally seen him for what he is and as sad as I am I’ve never felt so liberated. Like I have a chance for a do over on my terms because I know I’m capable of what I set my mind to. Except this time it will be without someone invalidating every step and filling me with guilt. Hugs to all the survivors, if we can see these people for who they are we can get to a place that feels accepting and safe for us.
Thank you, Dr. Ramani!!! So many of my friends have beautiful relationships with their dad's and can never understand the hurt and the pain he has ( and still tries to) caused me. Thank you for allowing me to feel this and know that I am not alone💞
My biological dad isn't a narcissist, but he kept his distance as if I were the plague, I don't think he really wanted to be a dad, but by the time I was an adult he had a second son, it was as if he said to himself "I messed up with the first one, let me just make another one." My mother's ex husband was a horrible narcissist and he torture us at the psychological and emotional level (and some times at the physical level) for 12 years, when his marriage to my mother ended because he shoved her and said he wanted to fight, he blamed me, I was a teenager for most of their marriage. Now I have the dread of calling my biological dad and having a painful 5 minute conversation with him cause he judges me harshly if I share too much, so I keep things as brief as possible.
Why bother with your father? If he was dead you'd have to focus on someone else. Do so. Spoken from someone who tried to kill mine because of his brutality towards my mother. He later tried to kill my mother. Some people aren't worth our time and attention no matter who they are.
Both of my parents were narcissists, so both Mother's Day and Father's Day are painful. I was the child who would freeze and I carried this into my adult relationships, now counting 5 narcissistic husbands. I have endured physical and emotional abuse, and am now 60 years old and finally starting to heal from these horrible relationships. I left husband #5 four months ago after he hit me (he didn't hurt me, but I know from past experience that once this starts, it only gets worse). I just started EMDR therapy with my therapist and am hoping for some real healing. I am also doing kundalini yoga with a yoga instructor who is trained in treating narcissistic abuse. I feel a sense of hope that this will kick off the healing process. Thank you for these videos, Dr. Ramani. I have and am continuing to learn so much from them. ❤
Your compassion & understanding is truly essential 4 those of us who suffer with childhood/adulthood trauma. I thank you & I hope you no that I'm sending support & comfort your way...
@Kimbies Ann - That’s terrible that your father decided to treat you like that. My recommendation is to do something wonder for yourself (treat yourself to a meal, movies, candy, go to the hairstylist, etc) and don’t make yourself so easily available to him. The truth is you don’t have to see or talk to him at all! I’m not talking about playing tit for tat. I’m talking about protecting yourself and not allowing him opportunities to invalidate or humiliate you. Remember the saying, “you can do bad by yourself; you don’t need any help.” Limboed, you deserve better than to be treated and disrespected like that. You owe him nothing but are obligated to yourself to live you best life. I wish you the best, take care!😀
I haven’t spoken to my narc father for 25 years. At 30 he sued me and my siblings for the money my mom had set aside for us. He stole half of it before we found it. To this day he believes he was innocent and even with the lawyers outside our conference room he denied he was suing us. Learning how to trust myself and engage in intimate relationships has been huge learning (and often painful) process. So much grief. I am grateful some have had loving fathers and many prayers and love for those of us who have not had that. Thank you Dr Ramini for being loving, direct, and wise. We need this kind of education and compassion!
My narcissist father has been deceased for almost 15 years now. There's been enough reprieve time to sort through a lot of the dysfunction & claim what likely was orchestrated by him via gaslighting & teachings of (faux), morality as valid positive parts of who I am. I love my cluster B/dark triad dad. But, I don't miss him. Father's Day is a reminder of that freedom.
Having a narcisistic father is a heart and life-breaking experience up to a moment when you wake up and see it and realise it was not your fault. Thank you dr Ramani❤
I don't have a relationship with my dad at the moment. Also that's because I live in another country. Out of sight, out of mind. On father's day, I worked. Earning that 3x income that I deserve haha
When you have a narcissists as a dad, it makes you feel the same way about other guys. If the dad makes you feel they don’t accept you, you will try to prove yourself to other guys in your life, especially if you are a boy. If the narcissist treats you bad and thinks a certain way, you will think other people think the same way. So it is so important to forgive everyone but to not be to forgiving. If you think you have mistreated someone APOLOGIZE. It will be hard to get over the wounds, but forgiving others that are not the narcissists for hurting you will make all the difference. Thanks Dr Romani for making all these wonderful videos. You’ve helped me so much. Thank you😀
My mother was the person you describe in this video. I HATE Mother’s Day, my birthday, and Christmas because she was so relentless with snarling cutting comments! She took us from our father a loving respectful man and divorced my step father after she was through using him up.
I deeply appreciate your empathy and understanding of these incredibly difficult situations Dr. Ramani. It really brings me solace to know that it isn't wrong to feel distressed or distraught when fathers day rolls around - a day (like any holiday) where people should be joyful, but that isn't the case for everyone. And people with narcissist fathers who feel this way about their dads shouldn't be told by anyone (within their family or outside of their family) that they're wrong for having negative feelings toward their dad, who (in their eyes) "deserves" their respect and love. When (in truth) their dad really isn't anyone to celebrate because they have never been a consistently (that's a keyword) good dad to them. And on top of that, a dad who is so discontent and invalidating that throwing a party for him or giving him a gift won't be received very well by him, at all. You may even ask for his rage, if you do.
Dr. Ramani for the win! Wow, this hit the 🎯 about my highly abusive, insecure narc father (now deceased). From the age of 6 or 7 years old, we always said to our mom, that she had 5 kids: the 4 kids born to her + our dad. He was always jealous - particularly of our mom, manipulative, angry, raging, cunning, gaslighting, and more. And, he was a child protective services social worker, of all things, which is truly horrifying. Thank you, Dr. Ramani, and all in this community of surviors of narcissistic and other abuse. I send healing thoughts and energy to all.
first fathers day without contact with my dad. I feel great for myself but still guilt for him. it’s better this way tho❤️ happy father’s day to you all
I was the child that would fight. But towards adulthood I started developing anxiety to the point that I had to just run away because my knees and hands would shake uncontrollably and I didn't want him to see me as weak. My sister was always the one who fawns and it usually made me sick to my stomach the way she would apologize and compliment during moments of dad's rage.
Yes, my dad is a narcissist, It's why I haven't spoken to him or my mother in years and years. At least my husband is not a narcissist, it's easier to focus my energies today to make it a good day for him and my children.
Aren't you lovely, my kids don't see my wanna be narc hubby's pattern but now as adults they see how really it's really (him) the sensitive one and who (me) is really the one going without, he's my prob though, not theirs so that's on my good work too!
Narcissistic fathers are very controlling and invalidating. The child will grow up with low self-esteem and thinking that they're not good enough for anyone or anything. This might develop into anxiety, body dysmorphia and even suicidal thoughts. Children of a narcissistic father all share one thing in common... they all feel like they are not good enough. The reason for this is because the narcissistic father disowns their feelings by projecting them on to their children. Narcissistic fathers will leave you without support. They are self absorbed and they lack empathy. They only care about themselves and they have no consideration for you.
True.
You might develop body image problems because Dad put you on a diet and expressed rage when you reached puberty, but praised you for dieting away your periods. In my way, we know but don't know that it happened.
@Gemma Dann to let him know it doesn't apply to everybody....I'm here on this channel learning and unlearning
@@patricialongo5746 eyah
So on point!
A dad should be a hero, not a villain.
tell me about it, my dad was definitely the worst thing that ever happened to me. Now I'm 51, completely messed up, drinking too much, can't remember an hour without suicidal ideation going back to the 1970s. I"m definitely the child who left them behind forever, except in my fked up mind.
Your dad is a hero! Happy father's day to him!
Well said. They wasted the gift of parenthood and killed the gift of us being children.
@@3406226 he is a hero .my lovely hero.Thank you
Amen to that! Narcissistic father's ruin lives.
feeling unseen - check
seeking out safety - check
trying to win people over - check
selling myself short - check
not feeling worthy - check
never seeing a healthy relationship - check
I fought for most of my life, but I finally gave up. He has been dead for 21 years, and I almost feel like I can breathe now. Almost.
I think I wrote this 🙁 but I didn’t though I sure could have
Me too!
self medication-check.
getting a scientific degree while not even being allowed to come home
- check.
getting "useless" as a funny nickname in front of people - check.
Babies please know that if you ever feel like having low self-esteem or not good enough no matter what you do, it's your narcissit parent's failure in raising you. THEY DID YOU WRONG. You were born an angel, and it was not your fault.
For those who see this: may you find inner peace, heal from past traumas, and embrace change. You are worthy of love ❤️🙏
Thanks Lori, if you watch 'Silver Skates' on Netflix there's an artsy dance/read on Geminis ♊/my kids are Gemini, June 7th and June 9th, 2 yrs one 1 day apart and still dickhead complains! Love back at you!
@@joseenoel8093 I haven’t seen it yet but I’ll have to check it out. Thank you for sharing. BTW, my birthday is June 6th❤️🙏
Working on it, I don’t feel like I’m grieving today. I’m just shut down.
Amen!
@@Freerunningtwo grief changes it’s shape in time
I went NC with my narc dad and his flying monkey filled family over 11 years ago. I received a call 7 months ago that my dad had passed away. I have shed so many tears filled with grief and pain over my dad who I loved but he just brought so much horror into my life. After he passed, his family tried reaching out to me ( just to get gossip about me I am sure). I did not respond to them n they now have left me alone. This Fathers day is the 1st one I finally have peace that he is no longer on the earth and can't harm or frighten me anymore....A 50 year nightmare is finally over.
I am glad you are finding peace.
Hi hon, I'm no contact with them now, same situation, I was there when they took dad's tube out and didn't his tongue 😝 come out with it! He always felt like everyone was taking advantage of him, not me though, he couldn't even swing by at Xmas for my kids, my husband's family is all in Europe as his parents passed away and my family's so toxic here.... Well to bad for them all now, I've a great green space in the burds and they know to keep their distance 'cause I've had enough! It's a sad situation, they worry (the dads) about how things went bad for them and there's no one taking their place for us, oh well, good to have a head's up on how rotten people can behave, less surprises you and your stomach can take more, it's them which ruined what should have been life cherishing moments, malignant mom set him up to beat her weekly, I over heard cops saying they weren't referees once, oh my, even they were sick of it all! Think I could ever mention that? No way, couldn't step on his little ego 'cause he'd suffered too much... Suuurrreeee!
I hear you!!!! My dad is already dead to me .
I'm so sorry that you had to go through this. I went NC with my narc father about 7 months ago and he hasn't called during that time. The thing is I know that if he were in an accident, in the hospital, etc., that no one would call me until way after the fact. That's how it's always been with him. When I read that you weren't notified until after your father passed I know that that very well could happen to me, too. Not sure how that makes me feel, but I have a feeling that I'll never be able to have complete healing from this until he is gone and I know that he can't abuse me any more.
This will be my response too, when my dad passes. Stay strong. Life is so much more peaceful without toxic relationships.
Starting around Grade 8 or so, I realized that my Dad was toxic to my mental health.I spent the rest of my life telling my mother that I never wanted to spend any time alone with my father. For her part, she kept using guilt to get me to spend time with him. While my Dad had his good moments, they were rare and overwhelmed by his bad ones.When my father died, relief was perhaps the biggest thought that went through my mind.
My mother actually laughed that we "had to put up with" father touching us. Sick, evil people.
@@Chahlie oh my God!... :( that's evil. I feel for all the innocent little children who should be experiencing a safe home environment and protection from adults but it's all stolen away from them. Some people can be real cruel, it's heartbreaking.
I kept in touch on my sons behalf...almost killed me inside.
@@Chahlie That's messed up... My father (that was a RCMP policeman) did nothing about his POS father that abused my sister and 2 cousins. Failed in his duties as a cop and a father..... Hell, he even tried to bribe my sister into being nice with her abuser for shoes! I'm glad I cut him off a bit over a week ago!!!
7th 8th grade (12-14) was a turning point for me too. As soon as I found a voice and some agency. In other words, when I graduated from being an adoring plaything to an actual person.
Thanks for doing this on a day when some of us are unable to celebrate.
Absolutely…thank you. ❤️🙏
Right? Dr Ramani is truly God sent
Send love and positive thought to you. I feel you my friend ❤️❤️💐
@@jessicamusicslife465 she’s wonderful
Agreed!!!!!!!!!
We all need a Survivor Day!!
Amen to that!
Yes, we do need it badly
What a great idea! Absolutely!
Support!!!!!
Damn straight!!!
There is one big plus with narc parents:when they pass away you don't miss them at all,unlike others, with normal parents, who are devastated .
My dad is a malignant narcissist. He likes breaking my confidence, invalidating me, downplaying my achievements and lacks empathy and I don't exist, my emotional needs don't matter. I am now abandoned by him
i am in the exact same boat... i'm so sorry. do i wish this man a happy father's day today
@@theylovekenzieee__ follow your dreams and don't let his invalidation and abandonment break you. Go within and achieve your dreams and soar. Be your own father as we always have been. Don't betray yourself by wishing him 'father's' day when he never played that role and in fact was a complete opposite of it ie abusive. A father nurtures and I have decided that I will be my own hero
Do we have the same dad?
@@justflow1964 dude i almost started crying... you have no idea how awful it's been the past couple months and hearing that basically i don't have to feel guilty ab it feels different. up until ab a couple months ago i never got a clear diagnoses on my father and why he did what he did and said what he said . i knew there was something wrong w him but i didn't know what. ive been doing a lot better now living with my mom compared to the horrible place i was in living with him , it still hurts from time to time. especially because i lived with him for 18 years of my life and i still feel like i don't know him and he doesn't know me. but i am learning and growing every day , and the one thing that kept me going was finding out that i wasn't alone. so thank you🥲❤️ love and light to you
My experience was the same. Dangerous narcissist father who abandoned me, but not before shaming me as much as he could.
My dad is a narcissist. His birthday was last week and now today is father's day. I feel depressed. I feel like I've spent my whole life trying to please him, to get him to notice me, so I could get the dad I so desperately want and need. I've slowly come to the realization that he isnt going to be the dad I have a picture of. But I have a wonderful step dad, and although he's fairly new into my life, he's already done so many things that I've wished my dad would do for me, without even knowing ive wanted those things. And my husband is the absolute best. The exact opposite of my dad. He always puts his family first. He constantly shows love and affection. He nurtures our kids and their interests and talents. He spends time with them. He's the dad I wish I had and I absolutely love that.
I'm happy for your good stepdad and good husband, and also get why you're depressed. Just let yourself grieve the "great dad" you never had and won't have. It is how it is, and it's not your fault at all.
Yup, I can relate with the forever hoping they will treat us properly, and they never do. I give up but it's very hard. I feel like I am dying inside.
I can't relate and I pray you can heal from the trauma. Also Luv, there's no pleasing people like this, even if they gave you Life. I was blessed with an Amazing husband isn't anything like my stepfather. I use to call him a Devil for all of the abused and trauma he caused. Unfortunately it has trickled down to three of my brothers. Sadly, they're repeating the pattern.
I'm so sorry. Father's Day is so rough for those of us who have or had a narcissist father. Thankfully mine passed away a few years ago, but I spent most of my life trying to please him too. You can't please a narcissist. The day I realised that and accepted he was never going to be any different was a day of freedom. It didn't make everything better, and there were times I had to keep reminding myself of that fact, but it helped a lot. Give yourself that gift.
It's wonderful you now have an amazing stepfather, and husband! You chose well, and that's important.
Thank you for sharing your story. I'm so happy for you that you found a wonderful husband. I hope I can do the same.
Father's Day doesn't mean anything to me anymore, he didn't care about me why should I care about him? Honestly, the only reason why I get reminded of Father's Day is that I have friends who have good close relationships with their dads.
Well said🫷
The seemingly desirable family model was the Brady Bunch, but I couldn’t believe families could be that kind toward one another. My damaged family was my reality and all households were like this
My father was a narcissist and quite literally called himself the “all knowing” He would uplift my brothers while tearing my mom and I apart verbally and physically behind closed doors. Even sexually with me on occasion. It sucked and I always felt like I had to put on a show in front of the family. My mom never stood up for me cause of Stockholm syndrome. He never gave me or my brothers a proper foundation and everything always revolves around him and his emotions and ego. My grandfather was also an abusive man so pretty sure my father learnt it from him and never healed. It’s taken me years to understand that I operate from major father wounds within my relationships with other men. I always go for men that don’t want me it’s sad and I’m just now realizing this. I wanna go to group therapy so I feel less alone it’s a heavy weight 😣 Thank you for these videos. I pray everyone out there struggling today feels light and love. You are not alone.
I feel your pain. I'm a people pleaser and always go for narcissistic men. Deep inside I feel undeserving of love. I haven't had much success in traditional therapy, so I am planning on working on these deep rooted issues using psychedelics. Best of luck to you!!
I'm so sorry that you went through this. I did as well. My father never sexually abused me, but he called me terrible names like slut and whore. I was raped at 14 years old and couldn't report this to my parents because I knew this would just make my dad's behavior worse, and that my mom wouldn't do anything, since she allowed these verbal attacks from my father. Hang in there and do seek therapy. It had helped me tremendously. You are not alone. ❤
My dad has the “all knowing” thing too… He is convinced he shouldn’t be learning new things because why should he? He has nothing to learn according to him
Bad juju I’m so sorry my father is terrible too. I know how hurt you are. You are seen. You can do it. You can be on your own. We believe you.
I have a wired memory , i was bending to take something out of a closet, i was 21, with a short skirt and my dad smacked me on the but. Is that sexual? I goen no contact with him lately for other reasons, he is definitely a narcissist but that memory... I don't know what to make of that . What do you think?
I go through cognitive dissonance every father's day as I want to celebrate the father that my community adores and highly respects yet he is the one who hurt me the most to the depths of my core.
Ufffff that was deep
Dr. Ramani, you broke my heart in your video yesterday where you were crying and validating people who have PTSD symptoms. Thanks so much for validating these very painful experiences. A lot of therapists (from my own discovery -- been in therapy on and off since 12 YO, I'm 41 now) do not seem to believe me when I tell them how much my Dad has impacted me in a negative manner. I've even had therapists shame me for going no contact with my father or for setting a boundary. I'm about to quit therapy altogether, I think, since it isn't very supportive and try to quit drinking on my own, too. It's strange when your therapy just becomes a new analogue of the very dynamic you are trying to escape -- one rife with disbelief, criticism and judgment, and a bunch of rules to follow for "compliance." To all those broken-hearted today on Father's Day, you are not alone. Be a parent to yourself today in the manner you were not treated. Celebrate YOUR accomplishments today and don't forget to congratulate yourself, even just for doing something small like emptying the dishwasher!
So true. I've struggled lately with my religion who also seems to preach with little compassion and much enabling. I think that's my next arena to work through
@@tawneenielsen4080 You aren't alone on the religion thing. I really like the "Unholy Charade" blog which is narc-wise about abuse in churches & church families.
@Curious - I've found reputable therapists useless for anything except getting info. I've found community and good friends much more healing. Have you found eplacement families/tribes, like fandoms & recovery community more helpful?
Yes, my dad was a narc abuser and my family of origin was filled with other, equally abusive people (such as a highly abusive, violent grandfather) and circles of enablers and flying monkeys. In addition to therapy, 12-step recovery programs like Alcoholics Anonymous for people who want help with alcohol addiction, and programs like Co-dependents Anonymous, can be very helpful. Sending you good thoughts for your recovery. You did not deserve to be abused by your narc or anyone else. None of us did. We can find recovery though. For me, my recovery from familial abuse is a daily practice. That's OK. I have found greater serenity, happiness and prosperity in my life since I've been in recovery and went no-contact with my family of origin 30+ years ago.
As someone who has lived this before, I will urge you to keep looking for different therapist pros. If you can afford etc. You have simply been getting the wrong fit for you. It is ok to keep looking for a person that you actually can have productive conversation with. I had a bad fit for a while, even had to teach them things I was needing help getting through... Found a specialist that fits my needs way better that the med insurance approves, and thanks to pandemic infrastructure changing I am seeing them thanks to remote video appts. Wishing you a smooth day today.
It took me 35 years to realise that I have a narcissist father. I'm happy to say that I have an awesome relationship with my kids, because my dad taught me in every way how NOT to be a father.
As a 17 year old...I am completely dependent on my narc father(mainly for studies).....Sometimes it really confuses me how differently this person presents himself to the outside world( almost like an angel) while in the house when no one is there(except mom and younger sibling) he becomes a devil....Every other day I cry thinking the tortures he is doing on me( and other family members)
He has broken me from inside.....May be I will never be able to recover
I no longer believe in love and don't care for others, don't want to have my own family cuz I am scared that will same as him....OH LORD
That sounds awful. I am sorry you are suffering through that. I wish the best for you and the others in your family who are going through this. Stay strong ❤️
Such a tough situation being in the same household as narc parent. Sorry you’re going through this, it’s not your fault. The good thing is that at 17 years old you’re already so self aware and understand his disorder. Understanding is half the battle💪🏾
Don't ever lose your beautiful soul to other people's darkness. There are many many caring and loving people in the world. You just have to turn your back on those who doesn't care for you and let that space fill with people who do. You ARE worthy of love, care, compassion and time. You just have wrong people arou d you, but it's not your fault.
Hang in there mate. Get your education and once you start earning no living on your own, things get soo much better.
@@atanamorell2 Thanks. Best wishes to u too
My dad is a narcissist. The classic grandiose charming narc that everyone loved and thought was oh so wonderful. We were invisible only until for his image he needed to take us off the shelf and show off what a good father he was. Invalidating, demeaning, verbally and emotionally abusive, constantly on the rat race to win his attention and approval. Then as a teen after realizing he'd only ever approve of himself and all his relationships were based on his image and making him feel good i stopped bothering to please him. Went no contact 10yrs ago, best decision i ever made
Never getting the love and validation a child craves or being crushed under the weight of a narcissistic father's disapproval and out-of-context rage!
Did you seriously just say get yourself a father's day gift.... omg you crack me up bad
one thing that drew me to my husband was that he was so much like my father.... not realizing what narcissism was I dismissed and ignored all the horrible things in my childhood..... now I realize how much they really are alike.... I wish my eyes had been opened years ago
I hated fathers day my whole life! When my dad died couple years ago I felt relieved. I was able to forgive him before he died but I still feel relieved that it is over. Thank Dr.!
My father is my inspiration. His behaviour goes beyond narcissism. He’d rather impress a stranger than visit his son, my brother furloughed in covid, his wife working saving covid patients, and his grandchildren, which he uses as a competition on his sister that he holds many a grudge against. This is the first Father’s Day we’ve not sent or done anything for him, as he should be Preoccupied impressing strangers, telling them how his children have no time for him, when a free meal came before seeing his own family, that he’d not seen in months. When people show you their true colours, believe them. Maya Angelou.
I always hated Father's Day when my narcissist father was alive. Trying to find a card that was the least dishonest was a chore, and reading all the cards extolling how wonderful other people's fathers were only drove it home that mine wasn't any of those things. This is an up side of sending or giving cards becoming a thing of the past.
I did a combination of freeze, flight, fight, and fawn. Flight when possible, freeze when not, fight when pushed too much and too often, fawn when mistakenly thinking anything I could say or do would make any difference.
Next year I'm going to turn Father's Day into celebrating the Father I Never Had But Deserved Day 🎉
The list of ways one can be shaped by a narcissistic parent... I tick ALL the boxes. What the hell?! Why do I feel like such an idiot? I always felt strong for coping, but every choice I've made in my life was just a reaction to my parents abuse?! My life isn't my own at all...
It's your life now that you see it. Enjoy each day of enlightenment!
I know when we find out it hits is like a ton a bricks 😅 you'll be stronger, wiser, and supported now. Even online communities are great! Good luck!!
i feel this. I went No Contact with father 3 years ago and just recently with the rest of the family for good. It's been a gradual process, but Im seeing now how much Im able to love myself and live the life I want, even though it hurts like hell to not have family. Honestly Im so much better without them making me feel ashamed and unimportant and invisible and invalidate my feelings, thoughts, achievements, trying to feed off of my good spirit for them to survive.
Honestly this sounds like you're taking ownership of your story. best of luck.
@@easygii Congrats, I'm so happy for you! 🥳
It'll get better. I'm old and it's been a couple years of hard work but I'm starting to see the light. Just think- you get to be a whole new person!
My daddy was very toxic when I was growing up and he still is today. I will never forget being a teenager and remembering actually saying the words, I hate him! He told me a few months ago that when I was younger I was very recluse, but little did I know, I stayed in my room all the time because I was hiding from the monster I call “daddy.” He’s verbally abusive to my mom and she’s weak and spineless so she deals with it, he’s controlling and very invalidating to say the least! None of my siblings see any wrong in him, especially the two older sisters who he has under his thumb and control. I have completely disengaged though and I’m ready to move forward without them. I don’t owe them anything and I could care less what they think at this point. The sad thing is, I actually TRIED to have conversations and reconcile to make things better, but to no avail. They want it to stay toxic and dysfunctional because that’s what they’re used to… I’m not with that though.
My father is a maglinate narcissist his temper was so bad his own job Sent him to anger management and he came home telling us he didn't need it because it was our fault for his angry outburst. Also because the therapist was a woman he said ( she's a woman what does she know). I use to rebel to piss him off on purpose now I'm in my 30's and healing. Because he spoiled my youngest sister she still caters to him in a way so now if I have to its 20 minutes top with my dad or surround in a group of people because some of them have seen how he can personally attack me so they can defuse the situation. Especially when he's trying to tune out everyone to focus on me in a negative way. I don't really have too many good memories of him just a bunch of bad ones of him being angry, verbally attacking me, bad mouthing me to neighbors and nearly being physically abusive. It gets hard when my sister defends him but I'm doing my best to move on from it now
Unfortunately that something we all share with our narcissistic dads 💔
Lots of pain and grief not knowing what a healthy relationship between the dad and his daughter should be💔💔
My narcissistic then husband blamed me for his angry outbursts, too. He used to say, "I wouldn't treat you like this if you did what I told you to do!"
@@loishines1023 that's deeply annoying they really treat us like if we are their servants or slaves
Move on, with that move he'll lose his target, guess who's next in line? Believe it and he'll worsen with age, her turn! It happened to me, biggest surprise of my life, I've not seen her in 7 yrs, suits me fine and I hope she's soon out of time!
@@loishines1023 what that's, think for yourself? Can't believe it! My older overt coke head sis and her husband would argue loud and clear on which way one wiped, unbelievable and in the kitchen no less, no contact with her, he's long dead and my bathroom business remains my own!
Thank you for this! Yes I have a Self-Righteous Narcissistic Father, who I moved back in with back in January when I decided to leave my Narcissistic husband. It has not been easy at all because my Mother is his Co-Dependent. I'm trying to do everything I can to move out as quickly as possible. Father's Day for me is not a joyous occasion. I bought a card to be nice, but while everyone on social media is celebrating their Dad's I just don't feel that way.
I know exactly how you feel. I hope it eases your pain a bit to know you’re not alone.
I feel the same way. He’s ruined my family. No excuses for that. I’m better without him around.
@@kmc1994 thank you!
@@lovemymini8418 I'm just trying to get through this day.
@@carlitah74 I’m sending prayers and a hug.🙏🤗
The highlights in this Video.
1. Your Experience of having a rage full, controlling, Invalidating and neglectful father.
2. You end up choosing partner same as your father meaning controlling, invalidating.
3. pleasing people from friends, colleagues, boss and everyone just like your father. Everyday is a game day in an attempt to win them over.
4. selling yourself short, Feeling unworthy, damage it does within the family and siblings.
5. The power that the father possessed make their children Freeze, flight, fight and Fawn.
6. Festivals are pointless.
I did experience all of it. It broke my heart when I was going through dark times of depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, pleasing people, allowing them to take advantage of me, freezing, fleeing, fighting, fawning at the same time feeling confused about being too sensitive to everything and not being able to recognise an ounce of it and feeling ashamed of myself just for my being, having body image issues. It makes sense finally after all these years and its still not too late. Happy recovery to everyone of you. :)
I went no-contact for a long time and last year when my uncle/dad's brother passed away I went to the funeral to support my auntie (dad and uncle's sister) and cousins. I felt that maybe my father would take stock and realise what is important and for a few months he seemed to warm up to me again. I still hold out hope he will have an enlightening "Scrooge" on Christmas Day moment. I know this is stupid. He doesn't like me and hasn't for a long time (if he ever did in the first place). I need to stop giving chances.
After 50 years on the planet, I’ve given my father chance after chance to no avail. We went through several periods of no contact and then he’d APPEAR to change. Yet, there was NEVER an apology. Then, in time, he’d go right back to his old ways. Now, I am officially DONE. I have FINALLY accepted that I do not deserve this and I am worth so much more. No more walking on eggshells. I can exhale. I am finally FREE AT LAST!!!
You already know the answer. Stop waiting for your existence to be validated by someone who does not even value you.
I have tried to make a point to my dad over the past few years by NOT getting him anything for father's day, not even a card at all. This year on Friday I decided to get him a card and a couple small gifts, plus $10 I put in the card. He was nice to me and seemed to appreciate that I did that for him. BUT ..... yesterday on Saturday he's back to being his asshole self, and he yelled at me for no good reason, so I yelled back at him and told him he was being a stupid jerk. Now today is Father's Day and I am so DONE with his bullshit. I was supposed to go with them to my sister's house for a Father's Day get together but I just took off this morning and I'm spending my day at a coffee shop. It's noon right now and I don't know if they realize I'm not home, no one has called my phone at ALL and maybe they're all gossiping about what a terrible daughter I am. Oh well, as Phil Collins would state in his song, I DON'T CARE ANYMORE!!!!!!
Scrooge is a great metaphor for a reformed narcissist - but narcissists will never understand it is them, and they will never change. I bought A Christmas Carol for my ex last Christmas, shortly before I broke up with him, not yet aware he was a narcissist, even though I had already identified most of the traits and realised he would never change. Then I understood that my father was a narcissist, too, and all the pieces of the story of my life fell into place. I hope you find peace.
Better not get your hopes up!
That is the question I have been asking myself every day for the last year! 😭
Dr Ramani confirmed this tragedy. Unseen is the word that really hits hard.
Eternal struggle to prove yourself. This video broke my heart by opening the wound again.
Thank you Dr Ramani. Sending lots of love to everyone watching these videos 💔
Although I dont know you that person was your father. We should hold no hatred for our parents. Yes they were just as imperfect as we all are but they are still our parents. No matter what.
@@Ryu_Kage. Yes. I have forgiven him and embraced radical acceptance
@@ghuyakalika me to it's so much easier to freely forgive others for there mistakes knowing full well that we daily also make mistakes too! This is what God wants us to do freely forgive one another to the best of our abilities. Holding grudges only hurts ourselves. Let go forgive. I know I for one am far far from perfect and make so many mistakes. I do my best to forgive others for anything they do to me.
The wound is where the light shines in
It’s the physical violence that can accompany this personality disorder.....children need protection 😢
My dad is a malignant narcissist and DR. Ramani has said pretty much everything I’ve been thru. One thing I personally want to add, when I was a kid and up to my teenage, every time I saw my friends or other kids had different relationships with their dads (which is healthy one and not like me and my siblings toward our dad), there are things that always come to my head was
~that relationship wasn’t real, that can’t be true, is there such a thing caring and loving dad in this world???~
It’s such a toxic and so dysfunctional narcissistic parent would be for their children and even worse it shapes their children’s psychology into ‘what they’re going thru with their dads are normal’. It’s poison!
I so relate.
I remember looking at 'healthy' kids like looking at a zoo animal, listening to their parents saying non-evil things, and when I saw other kids parents smile at each other, or God forbid, touch each other, I was fascinated... what was this weird thing. I remember so clearly visiting my grandfather and his new wife and each time she walked past his chair she touched his shoulder- it was a complete mystery to me. In my world the only touch we got was being wallopped by mother or dad coming on to you. Sneers were the #1 communication.
@@Chahlie yep same here. Those things so foreign to us at the time. Cause no love at all, it’s all about one power to control only which is his
I can completely relate
Completely
My narcissist husband of thirty-two years died on Monday this week. He was on hospice only two weeks. His rapid decline shocked the hospice staff. They just didn’t see what I was. I also found out that the funeral plans that he had arranged told me he had paid for it. I found out yesterday that he didn’t. I’m waiting to see if he transferred his money to his family. I’m hurt, frustrated, and periodically angry. This isn’t good. Although I helped his nieces when their parents were on hospice. They never visited us. Now they are coming out of the woodwork to vie for his belongings.
I actually feel bad today , a person who has been bullying me for 12 years tried it today and im ashamed I totally lost it at her , I'm sick of being bullied by these narcs , I just try too get away but they use my children against me as Porns of abuse even turn my children against me , they tried too control my decisions today and I completely lost it because they are not my family now , I feel so bad because ive been silent the whole time and today I finally stuck up for myself and now I'm crying because I have a empathic heart and don't like being like them, I can't beleive I stuck up for myself, I've never done that ever , God it felt good to stick up for myself but bad because I felt like im acting like them xxx
when you think sticking up for yourself is narcissistic....you have got some serious self educating to do. Because the opposite is true, it is healthy behaviour. You need to get used to it, keep doing it, if you think you are worth it!
Firm protective boundaries are your very BEST friend, not easy at first- you will make mistakes. Just re assess and go forward - boundaries , boundaries, boundaries will save your dignity and your sanity.. stay strong! Don’t give up nor give in!! 🧘🏻♂️✌🏻🦋
how it feels to stand up to narc really shaming and guilty .. not fun but that’s the start of healing… for them it’s fun that’s the difference
Thank you. I struggle every day living with my narcissist elderly father that has never validated my life. My father is never wrong, never apologizes, nothing is ever his fault, he never accepts responsibility, he never tells the truth, and he is extremely self centered. My brother is the same way as well.
My father was a malignant narcissist, I believe he was the entire Dark Triad. He left a path of destruction where he went including murdering my mother and talking his way out of wing considered a suspect. I knew he did it, he was always swindling, conning or doing something violent or mean. He admitted it to one sister a few years before he died. It was by the grace of God that I survived the few years we lived with him, I turned to prayer and it changed how I communicated with him as self-defense & taught me so much.
Mine is quite possibly the most cunning and conniving narc father on planet earth. He operates with such stealth and is so good at playing the victim card that it never ceases to astound me. Narc fathers are like rotten tomatoes. They will cause you to rot, physically, emotionally, spiritually and psychologically, till the time you make the decision to let go of him for good.
These holidays sadden me like today with celebrating mother’s and Father’s Day because I can’t. I don’t get on social media really especially days like this it’s too hurtful and a lot of it on there is fake and not real anyways. I can’t talk to my parents, they are so cold, invalidating, dismissive, narcissistic and angry/rageful towards me it’s horrible. They minimize and gaslight everything I say where I now feel numb to the abuse. I don’t matter or feel seen by them, they have neglected and abandoned me. with their harsh mean words and behavior. They are so negative and controlling all they have done is put me down, they’ve shown me no support love or encouragement for me living my life. They won’t go to therapy with me and I’m going to therapy because I know I didn’t do anything wrong here for them to treat me this horrid way. It breaks my heart that I feel like a orphan when my parents are alive they are just choosing to be crap to me. I’ve been going no contact with them for quite sometime now because every time I’ve tried to have a healthy 2 way street relationship I get met with a one street, their one my way of the highway type of relationship and it’s so wrong and messed up.
Ur not alone I can totally relate... its a lonely path to choose to stay away but have to believe that the cycle is being stopped
Yes, me too. My family of origin was extremely abusive and toxic. I went no-contact with all of them including narc father 30 years ago. It saved my life. I have found greater happiness; a stable, sane, nice supportive partner, and close, kind friends who are my family now. It is possible for all of us to recover from such abuse and lead happier, better lives. My recovery from the abuse is a daily practice, one day at a time. Sending you positive thoughts and energy on your road to recovery. 12-step recovery programs like Co-dependents Anonymous (CoDA), can be helpful, too, in addition to therapy. CoDA meetings are worldwide including phone-in, online and hopefully one day soon, in-person again, too, in many places.
I told my mum once that it's better for orphans, because they don't expect their parents to care. It's worse when you have parents and you expect them to care and acknowledge you but they don't. Orphans break their heart once, we break our hearts many times. That's when she said "look at how well orphans turn out despite having no parents at all" (gasslighting the emotional abandonment and neglect)
Cut your losses, count your blessings, at least you know and with that comes the knowledge that you don't have to tolerate their abuse any more, this might be the best any one of us could hope for, don't take it for granted!
You just described my dad. He is definitely a vulnerable narcissist.
I was a “fawn” for my father for 62 years. No more! Thank God I’m no longer any narcissist’s fawn or pawn. I’m FREE!
I am so sorry. I was until nearly 56. I mourn those wasted years but as you say "I am Free" Good for you and best to you.
We should pick a specific day to celebrate narcissistic abuse survivors, that would be a day I'd gladly celebrate, I hope everyone's doing okay today, these holidays aren't fun when you don't get the love you deserve from your family
@@out4dinner478 That's for sure! I was considering an order of protection from my mom for a while, and I was told that there's nothing that can be done unless there are physical signs of abuse or stalking behavior. Well I think PTSD is physical enough to prove anyone's abuse. It's so unfair to see all these support groups and therapists that don't acknowledge this kind of abuse, I've cancelled all my therapy appointments because my therapist is a bit condescending. She never remembers anything I tell her, and I know i've brought it up. Therapy is only as healing as the professional who's walking you thorugh it. If they're not a good fit you won't get any better.
DYK : Narcissist also usually don't celebrate any holidays or birthdays. To those that have sad memories of fathers day, in attempt to try win them over which didn't happen - wasn't going to happen, we understand !
Not anyone else's birthday or holiday.
Nah, they would want to celebrate occasions they think is important and related to them like birthdays but other people's birthday? Who cares!
@Aisling Ní Scuillín Happy birthday dear! We're all in this together, sending love xx
@@karenktq from what I know they hate these special days. They're ignored. They're a reminder of happiness and they're not trying to be happy.
@Aisling Ní Scuillín Happy Birthday hon.
My dad morphed from the codependent enabler into a narcissist himself over the past few years (spiritual narcissism), after i finally woke up to the abuse and became the whistle blower. For my whole life even though he enabled the abuse from my mother, at least he was nice to my face. But the past few years that’s totally changed, and now they both gang up on me as a team if given the opportunity. I tried to save my dad from the abuse and wake him up bc I had love/care for him, and all he did was betray me on a grand scale more than once. The only time he’s ever really cared to talk to me (and especially over the past few years) is to attempt to proselytize me and preach his spiritual beliefs, and will completely rage out when i express contrasting beliefs and don’t just go along with what he says. Anyway so now in his eyes i’m the villain of the family AND prob some kind of adversary in his eyes, in regards to how i won’t just fall in line and believe the same things he does, just because he’s convinced himself. Yeah today sucks
Why does this sound SO much like my dad. He would rage out if I expressed a contrary religious opinion to his . A couple years ago I in a moment of trying to break through to him and understand him I brought up the fact that the god of the Bible loves his children unconditionally , and all I got I got was I can’t love you if you don’t believe what I believe . Even when I did I never felt loved by him in any way so there’s no point in changing my beliefs to get approval or “love” from a person to whom unconditional love to his children is a foreign concept apparently (so much for being a regular churchgoer for all his life ) . I came to this conclusion: the best relationship with my dad is no relationship . It doesn’t make it all better bit at least I’m minimizing the drama in my life . Stay strong and heal 💪🏼
I went no-contact 30+ years ago with my toxic, abusive family of origin including narc father and all of the other abusers, enablers, and flying monkeys. Best decision I ever made for my sanity, mental and physical well-being, and independence. I realized that I had to break free of the shackles of my family's abusive communications and toxicity. My life has been much better without them. I have found support through a loving partner, a circle of sane, kind friends, and 12-step recovery programs like Co-dependents Anonymous. Sending you positive thoughts on your road to recovery.
Thank you for sharing your story here. Helped me to be all the more determined to not fall for the hoovering from time to time.
@@vladislavkozlov4978 i can relate with you. I feel anxious and nervous when it comes to practicing my beliefs, because they are different from all my family. When i changed my religion, my brother was just destroying me verbally. Mother went into complete denial. Every year i have to explain myself and listen to the same nasty comments or ridiculing, like i never told them nearly 10 years ago that i reverted. I even have a son and they believe that i have no rights practicing my religion with him. They think he should choose when he's 18. But somehow, nobody gave me this kind of choice when i was a kid. It's perfectly fine when it fits them. As soon as it doesn't fit, you're the "brainwashed, crazy, squeezed your head etc" i have to take a lot from them since. For example, they know i stopped having alcohol but still would offer me and pull faces when i refuse. Brother said he doesn't trust people who don't drink. And that's supposed to be your own family? No support, no taking interest, just using as a punching bag and ignoring. I wish i had an option to limit contact with them.
My Mom died in February and my dad lives with bipolar 1 with paranoia and psychosis and I’m pretty sure whoever diagnosed him missed the narcissist part of his diagnosis. I’m in bed recovering from my Dads abuse and with severe anemia. Since my Mom died, I have been watching your videos every day, often more than once. Thank you for helping me stay sane through this Dr. Ramani.
I just realize it was father day! I went no-contact for 6 years and I just realize that I don’t even had the tought of him, it’s like if he was dead. I have a wonderful dinner yesterday with my father in law, for me the father day thing was done! I still have to accept that I don’t have to be perfect to be accepted and love. Sometimes in occasions like this you realize that you have make progress.
Both of my parents are narcissist, including my siblings, I feel so unlikely sometimes, I will never experience what's real family like
Me too. You’re not alone. I’ve lost all my family and my oldest daughter because of my narc parents. Stay strong.
Never say never with all of this information & support
There’s always hope of creating a healthy family yourself. Do the hard work in therapy so you can be in a position to CREATE your own healthy family . Then you will see what a healthy family looks like ✊💪🏼
@@vladislavkozlov4978 Amen. That’s what I’m doing and it’s amazing!!!!
Same
Thank you, Dr. Ramani, for your care and support. I cannot tell you how big of an impact you're having on the world, on our lives personally. We can feel the resonance of your big heart uplifting us as we analyse ourselves and our relationships. I am so grateful for what you're doing and I wish I could give you a hug! Much love to you 💖
This channel is the best!
Yes mine was growing up...and still is. I do still love him...but from a permanent distance 😢😞
Hang in there survivors 😉🙏🏿🙌🏾
Thank you. This year my father past away at the age of 94. And aldo I build myself a pretty good life, after he died I finally felt free. So ya, its important to think on days like these about all the people who feel pain and loneliness instead of joy.
Tw: 😍
sure :( there will be times when i think about the trauma and wonder how i didnt know it was abuse. You should not be crying till you r hyperventilating from emotional and physical pain inflicted by someone whose supposed to love you...you have blinders on when you dont know how love is supposed to look!
Your responsibility to yourself and everyone around you is to take steps to heal yourself and dont be afraid to ask for help! That is easier said then done!
Yes, I really feel this comment. Never understood why my father and ex hated me so much when I cried. Other people were treated differently. I honestly thought it must be me. That I must appear hideous when I cry. Now I get it. Best wishes for you ❤️
@@atanamorell2 thank you best of wishes and blessings to you as well ✨🙌💛
Right now i am going through a truely confusing time of my life where law-enforcement and childprotective services are involved in the effects of my father's behavior. Eventhough i know he's bad and he has done bad things throughout my life, i struggle with feelings of guilt and am afraid i am 'ratting him out'. You have no idea how much your comment helps me. You are right, he should not leave me crying and hyperventilating.
Thank you for making me realise this.
Dad wasnt a narc but he was a narc enabler to my mom, abused by her just as much as I was. Taken advantage of in every way possible even after she divorced him. He did her bidding and was an absent Dad to me until he started to recover in my late 30s and just died 6 months ago. I feel like our relationship was repaired the last few years but I will always wonder if he would have been a lot happier if he wasnt an enabler of her horrible ways.
My dad was in the same boat. He tried so hard for her and stayed for us kids (9 of us) for 27 years before the stress broke his body as well. I am grateful that he did as much as he could for us, and it breaks my heart at how thoroughly she abused him.
Thank you, Dr Ramani, for acknowledging how painful this day, and any holiday, can be for some of us. It is comforting just knowing others are out there that sincerely understand 💜 Much love & graditude to you for all you share.
Thank you Dr. Ramani for the work you do 🙏🏾
Thanks to you.. I discovered before my dad passed that he was a self righteous narcist. I never could quite grapple with how he never truly loved or cared for my safety. It's heart breaking. Its important to know
Step father is a Machiavellian narcissist. My youngest childs father is incredibly narcissistic. He stood her up for a phone call day before yesterday and when she waited long enough (2 hours) she called him and he picked up the facetime and then HUNG UP ON HER. Never bothered calling her back and is now demanding to see her on “fathers day”. As far as I am concerned he doesnt deserve a celebration after the hell he has put her through. He can wait for his scheduled visitation
@C Brown - yes, please protect your daughter from this toxicity! He tries to pull her close just to smack her down. Hope you’re documenting and recording all of these potentially damaging things he’s doing to support your case. In his sick, perverted mind he’s probably thinking he’s at war with you and using your daughter as a pawn. I’m glad you see through him. I wish you and you daughter the best. I hope there are other family and friends who support you. Things become more difficult for the narcissist when they see you have a lot of back-up and support. Hang in there!
@@amarnamizelle8432 thats exactly what he is doing! And to think that this “Father” was trying to make me and the kids homeless last month after already making us homeless in 2017. He is trash in my eyes and might as well be dead. Im keeping track of everything in a calendar. Hes not going to win this time and he sure as hell is not going to hurt my kids any longer
@@CBrown86 try to assemble a support network and if at all possible try to get as far away from him as possible (like moving to another state). He sounds like the type who’ll swoop in when his children get older and try to take credit for their (and your) accomplishments after he did everything to derail any progress. I wish you the best and hope you can assemble a team to support you and back you up. Keep us posted on how you’re doing.
Thank you for standing up for your child. It's bewildering for a kid when nobody has their back.
Good luck on your journey.
@@eddierayvanlynch6133 Thanks. Its my most important job for my kids. Im not ever going to teach them to be doormats. The can be the bark and Ill be their bite. Im not going to be like my mother and offer my kids up as her sacrificial lamb
For so long I’ve always had a distant relationship with my father. We never speak about anything, and only ever interact when we need to. He’s an alcoholic, and never takes accountability for his actions. Always he brushes his mistakes off and doesn’t address his problems, because from my point of view, he doesn’t think there is a problem. He consistently repeats these behaviours and doesn’t realize how bad it affects me, his son. I’ve grown to be solitary towards my father, and he doesn’t seem to care at all because he never wants to come forward and have a deep conversation with me. I’ve had several times where I grew tired and exhausted and had a breakdown, but he viewed it as me being “difficult and a typical teenager,” and so I feel like I can’t even do anything to get him to understand what I’ve been going through. I’m 18 and moving out soon, and I don’t think there is anything I can do anymore so my only conclusion is to become estranged from him. I need to heal on my own, and shape who I am so I can prove I’ll be a better person.
Such a hard day, my dad was & unfortunately my husband too. I know he'll be mad he won't hear from our son, who had gone no contact almost a year ago.
Thank you for this video!! You always are very relevant to my life!
I didn't contact my dad on Father's Day nor on his birthday. He constantly plays the victim and says that he won't bother making an effort for me if i won't. Every time i made an effort in the past, it would be good for a little while and then I was the only one making the effort again. I got over it and over him playing the victim. He is also extremely disrespectful to me and demands respect. I haven't seen him in over a year and don't intend to. There's a family get-together coming up and I'm not even going to that because of him. I'm just getting past my relationship with a narcissistic woman tbat was traumatic and intense and I don't need any more negativity!
❤️ it is so great to have you Dr. Ramani . Solidarity with everyone here.🫂
Happy father's day to the best dad I could ever ask for I love you momma✨✨❤️❤️
I got this post from my daughter today. I was with her father for 30 years. He was there physically but never emotionally or mentally for our children. This text lets me know I did something right.
Wow! It's incredible how you capture my entire lifetime of relationships in 5 minutes.
The story of my life that I had to aknowledge in full in order to heal and move forward. The most painful is the accumulation of narcissistic people that repeat the same patterns. It's like being wounded several times at the same place. Until you noticed what has been happening, you look back and you notice that a big part of your life has been like a walk in the desert The recover is slow and the scars very noticeable.
Thank you for this! This day has always been a holiday I dreaded, until my father finally passed away. I can't even express (without feeling major guilt) how I celebrate this day this day with such relief since he's been gone. I'm sharing this with my siblings.
Nope, my Dad was my narc Mom’s enabler. After she died I sat down and asked the hard questions. He was devastated by what he now sees happened more clearly. I finally have a relationship with him that my mother denied me.
I am saddened by this post because of those who may not have had it as good as I did. If only all people could feel genuine pride in their old man.
Yes! And I definitely went in to freeze and still did as an adult around him. Thankfully I cut him from our life nearly 3 years ago and now celebrate my loving husband on father's day ❤️
I am 66 and my father will turn 94 in two weeks. This is always a difficult time for me, from picking out a card to just spending time with him. My brother has pretty much walked away and I am his care taker. It's tough, very tough. The control and the put downs are the worst and I know that I will not be completely free until he is no longer on earth. I still battle with guilt of my wishing we could get to the end of this father/daughter relationship. Never have I had warm or loving feelings towards him but I am doing my best to keep him safe in his old age and at times I wonder why as it is a never ending fight. I wish I could just let go but I can't just walk away, I tried that 3 years ago and it didn't work. Yes, I have been involved with men who are narcissists just like my dad and have given up with that part of my life. What I want is freedom to move, to live a life that isn't judged by my father and a life of peace and caring for myself.
Thanks very much, saint angel Ramani. God bless you, precious woman❤️
God loves us and will never abandon us: this is the most beautiful consolation for the terrible lives we got with our narcissists parents.
My father is narcissistic. Actually, he is not a father, but a sperm bank. He wants all credits for just passing his chromosome to me. That's why I am a big fan of this channel, which has become a big support/therapy for me. Thanks Dr Ramani. Let's make a support group for "Narcissistic survivor from Narcissistic father". I don't have any support group and my surrounding friends don't understand the complication and give me pressure to pledge my sperm bank. He is a competitor, but not a supporter, which is an opposite meaning of father figure.
So true I have a really hard time calling him dad I actually never call him anything. It's really awkward and fake because he doesn't feel like a father he's never been there and when he was a real jerk to me.
agreed! they act like the child was delivered by a stork, like they didn't make a conscious decision to make a child. cowardly and pathetic, they'll get just what they deserve!🔥🔥🔥
My father is a narcissist he’s getting really old now but he still has the same temper and outlook, he controls everything always has. When I was young mom used to say wait till your father gets home and then I receive my punishment, super controlling takes a special kind of person, to be the way he is he’s a retired police officer. He did more damage to me and I realized until I got to be 56. I was a scapegoat I left home at 17 1/2 knowing it was a toxic environment...My mom and dad are still married my mom has dementia it’s really bad I know dad loves her in his own way but his number one priority is himself and when I tried to tell him how much Diet has to do with Your Health he never picked up the ball it’s all about him in fact he had me take it off the estate planning all together so now I’m completely disowned, I tried telling him he needs to buy grass fed beef and really actually spend money on food. When I was down there five years ago I cleaned out the fridge and freezer everything was expired, When I was a kid we had one dinner per week that was called bunk dinner because it was made entirely with expired stuff. He loved serving bunk meat.. He would smile and laugh about it as I was trying to choke it down, even to the point where I’d be sick then I’d be in trouble for being sick. I was treated like a criminal my rotator cuff in my left shoulder is still messed up from being an arm locks policeman style, Not to mention chokeholds.. My father is also a self professed bigot, who would come home and tell us At the dinner table all of his antics for the day. He ruined baseball for me when I asked him for a mitt He brought home a used left-handed meant for me and tell me and taking in from a little black kid on the corner at work.. I never used it, and this day I don’t even watch baseball.. He never came to any of my sporting events soccer, swim team, water polo… Yeah I’ll still call him today if he answers the phone which he Never does.. He just sits in his chair now watching TV old westerns as mom wanders out the door and around the neighborhood, I have volunteered to come home and help with mom but he doesn’t want me to because he gets so angry his eyes just pop out of his head, He gets right in your face being a former Marine Corps number like 1 inch from your face and yells at you, to this day he’s the only one that I really fear in this whole world… It really sucks living 652 miles away from them but that’s the kind of distance I had to put in over 45 years ago just to get away from him, years later I met what I thought was a nice lady she love bombed me , Which I was so happy to oblige but after 10 years of being with her and being engaged she left me for no reason I had lost her respect she said she said she still love me But wasn’t in love with me, It took me a while to figure out what was going on but unfortunately she was a covert narcissist that’s three years ago now, I had to look backwards in time To figure out how I got myself into this mess how I could be so codependent well that’s the answer Dad. I just suffered from a major stroke three months ago and had to pretty much give her all my family because they’re toxic. That’s why I’ve had hypertension since the 11th grade and that’s why my brain suffered from both and ischemic and hemorrhaging stroke it was really bad but I’m lucky to be alive just wish I could find a nice woman and watch sunset Someday...
I'm sorry, you're an adult now you can protect yourself and make yourself your number 1 priority without harming others of course unlike your father. Love and peace to your soul ❤
@@suzan-x3i my sister arranged zoom meeting (dad won’t tell me his email) we We’re on zoom for about 20 minutes, It was really good to see my mom I haven’t seen her in person in five years it is doing better mentally than my mom she has dementia but during the entire video time on zoom dad was facing to the left never loads to the camera had his hand in supporting his head and just plain listened and did not contribute to the conversation, how do you spoke of memories of him and I fishing when we were younger 49 Years ago we would go deep-sea fishing and to my surprise he remembered all that what I asked him if he remembered it he would just not his head then he spoke Up about the Captain And how drunk he would always be so I guess he didn’t respond in a little bit of a wait but that was it no Eye contact through the video app.. He just acted like he was very bored with the whole thing I did get to talk to my mom..My sister and I are trying to get them to move closer to us since we both moved 700 miles away or so and that way will be able to see them more often but they are non-amicable to the Idea, Even though it would be a much less expensive area to stay in anyways it was going to see mom and dad too But it was not a surprise that he didn’t really care
blessings to u, ur lucky to be alive. enjoy the sunset daily, u don't need anyone!💪🏾💯💯
I was always a huge fawner. Thanks to Dr. Ramani and Pete Walker I am starting to finally thrive without needing to fawn to feel worthy. I am whole as I am.
My dad made me feel seen and loved when my covert mom was cold and invalidating. He worked a lot so I didn’t see him as often as I wanted, but I did hang out in his office as a kid. He used to let me draw on the chalkboard. He did take me to lunch often as an adult though. That was great. He was a tenured college professor and did important pioneering work in Computer Science. I miss my dad. My mom never did a celebration of life for my dad after he passed in 2018, when that’s what he wanted, and we never had a funeral service or anything. It was weird and that still bothers me today. My mom has gotten much meaner now that he’s gone. It is difficult having a narcissistic parent. Thanks for these videos, Dr. Ramani.
It's not too late for a Celebration of Life for your Dad. You could plan it yourself and invite the people closest to you and leave your mom out of it. She wouldn't even have to know.
My friends father hates it when the son does better than him. He is well connected and influences other people to have a negative view of the son. He really loves it when others say that he is so much better than the son. Glad my father is not like that. I feel sorry for my friend, he has given up hope in humanity. But we are trying our best to keep our friend happy and be there for him.
I freeze in front of my father all the time. I'm really trying my best to over come this and tell him exactly what I think.
You shoul never tell him what you think. You will cause a narcissistic injury and he will then seek revenge on you. Dont react, dont defend yourself dont try to explain anything. You know whats what, learn to put up a metal shield around you and dont let whatever he says get to you... let it bounce off that shield. Ignore it. Be your thoughtful and nice self, and spend as little time as possible with him. And when you leave his house.... dont give him another thought until the next time you have to deal with him.
@@colette2612 this is true. Thank you ❤
I’m going to do what my old therapist suggested I do . Your situation reminded me of it. Write ✍️ down everything that you want to say to your father , speak your truth write him a letter . You don’t have to ever give him the letter and it will help you process and cope . Imma go do this right now .
I’ve finally seen him for what he is and as sad as I am I’ve never felt so liberated. Like I have a chance for a do over on my terms because I know I’m capable of what I set my mind to. Except this time it will be without someone invalidating every step and filling me with guilt. Hugs to all the survivors, if we can see these people for who they are we can get to a place that feels accepting and safe for us.
Thank you, Dr. Ramani!!!
So many of my friends have beautiful relationships with their dad's and can never understand the hurt and the pain he has ( and still tries to) caused me.
Thank you for allowing me to feel this and know that I am not alone💞
My biological dad isn't a narcissist, but he kept his distance as if I were the plague, I don't think he really wanted to be a dad, but by the time I was an adult he had a second son, it was as if he said to himself "I messed up with the first one, let me just make another one." My mother's ex husband was a horrible narcissist and he torture us at the psychological and emotional level (and some times at the physical level) for 12 years, when his marriage to my mother ended because he shoved her and said he wanted to fight, he blamed me, I was a teenager for most of their marriage. Now I have the dread of calling my biological dad and having a painful 5 minute conversation with him cause he judges me harshly if I share too much, so I keep things as brief as possible.
Go your own way.
Why bother with your father? If he was dead you'd have to focus on someone else. Do so. Spoken from someone who tried to kill mine because of his brutality towards my mother. He later tried to kill my mother. Some people aren't worth our time and attention no matter who they are.
Sometimes NO CONTACT can be a wonderful thing. Just my opinion though.💁🏻♂️
I would rather be accepted as a ⛎ Cetus 🐬 then a criminal individualist of Justice ♎⚖️ by law & order🇺🇸...
You always hit the nail on the head, thank you for such priceless knowledge, it's very educational encouraging to empowerment
The answer to that question is YES, Dr. Ramani. Been no contact for almost 6 years now. I love your videos, you're saving lives. Love from Romania!
Both of my parents were narcissists, so both Mother's Day and Father's Day are painful. I was the child who would freeze and I carried this into my adult relationships, now counting 5 narcissistic husbands. I have endured physical and emotional abuse, and am now 60 years old and finally starting to heal from these horrible relationships. I left husband #5 four months ago after he hit me (he didn't hurt me, but I know from past experience that once this starts, it only gets worse). I just started EMDR therapy with my therapist and am hoping for some real healing. I am also doing kundalini yoga with a yoga instructor who is trained in treating narcissistic abuse. I feel a sense of hope that this will kick off the healing process. Thank you for these videos, Dr. Ramani. I have and am continuing to learn so much from them. ❤
Your compassion & understanding is truly essential 4 those of us who suffer with childhood/adulthood trauma. I thank you & I hope you no that I'm sending support & comfort your way...
Thank you for this. Today my father is celebrating Father's Day with someone else's family. He said he can see me some other time.
@Kimbies Ann - That’s terrible that your father decided to treat you like that. My recommendation is to do something wonder for yourself (treat yourself to a meal, movies, candy, go to the hairstylist, etc) and don’t make yourself so easily available to him. The truth is you don’t have to see or talk to him at all! I’m not talking about playing tit for tat. I’m talking about protecting yourself and not allowing him opportunities to invalidate or humiliate you. Remember the saying, “you can do bad by yourself; you don’t need any help.” Limboed, you deserve better than to be treated and disrespected like that. You owe him nothing but are obligated to yourself to live you best life. I wish you the best, take care!😀
I haven’t spoken to my narc father for 25 years. At 30 he sued me and my siblings for the money my mom had set aside for us. He stole half of it before we found it. To this day he believes he was innocent and even with the lawyers outside our conference room he denied he was suing us. Learning how to trust myself and engage in intimate relationships has been huge learning (and often painful) process.
So much grief. I am grateful some have had loving fathers and many prayers and love for those of us who have not had that. Thank you Dr Ramini for being loving, direct, and wise. We need this kind of education and compassion!
It's odd how they steal money from us while claiming we are losers.
My narcissist father has been deceased for almost 15 years now.
There's been enough reprieve time to sort through a lot of the dysfunction & claim what likely was orchestrated by him via gaslighting & teachings of (faux), morality as valid positive parts of who I am.
I love my cluster B/dark triad dad.
But, I don't miss him.
Father's Day is a reminder of that freedom.
Having a narcisistic father is a heart and life-breaking experience up to a moment when you wake up and see it and realise it was not your fault. Thank you dr Ramani❤
I don't have a relationship with my dad at the moment. Also that's because I live in another country. Out of sight, out of mind. On father's day, I worked. Earning that 3x income that I deserve haha
When you have a narcissists as a dad, it makes you feel the same way about other guys. If the dad makes you feel they don’t accept you, you will try to prove yourself to other guys in your life, especially if you are a boy. If the narcissist treats you bad and thinks a certain way, you will think other people think the same way. So it is so important to forgive everyone but to not be to forgiving. If you think you have mistreated someone APOLOGIZE. It will be hard to get over the wounds, but forgiving others that are not the narcissists for hurting you will make all the difference. Thanks Dr Romani for making all these wonderful videos. You’ve helped me so much. Thank you😀
My mother was the person you describe in this video. I HATE Mother’s Day, my birthday, and Christmas because she was so relentless with snarling cutting comments! She took us from our father a loving respectful man and divorced my step father after she was through using him up.
I deeply appreciate your empathy and understanding of these incredibly difficult situations Dr. Ramani. It really brings me solace to know that it isn't wrong to feel distressed or distraught when fathers day rolls around - a day (like any holiday) where people should be joyful, but that isn't the case for everyone. And people with narcissist fathers who feel this way about their dads shouldn't be told by anyone (within their family or outside of their family) that they're wrong for having negative feelings toward their dad, who (in their eyes) "deserves" their respect and love. When (in truth) their dad really isn't anyone to celebrate because they have never been a consistently (that's a keyword) good dad to them. And on top of that, a dad who is so discontent and invalidating that throwing a party for him or giving him a gift won't be received very well by him, at all. You may even ask for his rage, if you do.
Oh, "deliberately pushing everyone away so they can't reject or judge you" counts as flight? I guess I do that one then.
Dr. Ramani for the win! Wow, this hit the 🎯 about my highly abusive, insecure narc father (now deceased). From the age of 6 or 7 years old, we always said to our mom, that she had 5 kids: the 4 kids born to her + our dad. He was always jealous - particularly of our mom, manipulative, angry, raging, cunning, gaslighting, and more. And, he was a child protective services social worker, of all things, which is truly horrifying. Thank you, Dr. Ramani, and all in this community of surviors of narcissistic and other abuse. I send healing thoughts and energy to all.
first fathers day without contact with my dad. I feel great for myself but still guilt for him. it’s better this way tho❤️ happy father’s day to you all
I was the child that would fight. But towards adulthood I started developing anxiety to the point that I had to just run away because my knees and hands would shake uncontrollably and I didn't want him to see me as weak. My sister was always the one who fawns and it usually made me sick to my stomach the way she would apologize and compliment during moments of dad's rage.
Dr. Ramani, you’re so on time. I needed this today. THANK YOU!!!
Thankfully, I had two loving, supportive and caring parents. It helped me realize that the guy I was dating wasn't for me.
Narcissistic father who ruined the lives of his children. We all have complex PTSD and he wonders why nobody wants anything to do with him
Yes, my dad is a narcissist, It's why I haven't spoken to him or my mother in years and years. At least my husband is not a narcissist, it's easier to focus my energies today to make it a good day for him and my children.
Aren't you lovely, my kids don't see my wanna be narc hubby's pattern but now as adults they see how really it's really (him) the sensitive one and who (me) is really the one going without, he's my prob though, not theirs so that's on my good work too!