The dependency is awful, it makes you feel horrible about yourself as well, that feeling of "needing," the attention of another person is just degrading.
I’ve been in my relationship for 17 years I’m 30 years old, we have a 13 year old son a 9 year old daughter and a 1 year old daughter. Sometimes our relationship is amazing like too good almost or it hell or it’s like even different then that idk, there is no real help. 20 years of too much for words to explain the thousands of things that have happened. I really don’t know I’m starting to think I’m the real issue
My question to anyone who bought his workbook is how is it different from Marshal Linehan's workbook, and has anyone bought this, and did it help you in any way?
I used to go for that "feeling" that I used to get from a certain man. Over the years I've learnt that that feeling is unhealthy. I've settled down with a totally different person. A calm, loving man that treats me with respect. Its not a hot love...sometimes it can be...but its still good when it's cooler. I don't panic anymore. He's helped me feel secure and let me grow within the relationship ❤
Huh, I totally understand what that is, I always did the feeling thing too. Thought it was an internal guidance thing, feels more like an addiction thing now. Happy for you that you've been able to grow into a healthier place 💚
@@rdaniel4574the certain man for me was one that spoke to me in a certain way, didn't show me respect or offer me support. It was familiarity that set off the feeling of 'I want that man' like I didn't know I could do better. So it's taken me a hell of alot of counseling and mindfulness on my part to understand my sense of worth. It's taken around 8 years in all and I still have to remind myself I am worth loving and mainly to love myself. ❤
Sounds boring, lol. Not to be rude... but it sounds a bit like getting married for “practical reasons.” Like falling in love, not for love, but money. No self-sufficient person needs anything “practical” from a relationship, so I can’t understand why we are being taught (not just by psychology but by society) to settle like this. Even in an emotionally supportive relationship, well... If I wasn’t madly in love with the person; then their emotional support would feel hollow, like the kind we get from strangers, online. Sure, it feels good in the moment, and it’s nice to get, but it doesn’t really mean anything. I’ve been in “boring but supportive” relationships, and they made me feel like I was better off alone. No offense, though, everyone’s different.
I’m different, because I’m not emotionally dependent on anyone; I’m very cool with being alone, rather than with someone who is dull. But I do become codependent in relationships, in the sense that I fall in love with people who I find attractive and interesting, but feel I need to offer someone something in order to feel needed/useful. I’m a “rescuer,” but It’s never reciprocated. I’d love to be the “damsel in distress” for once.
Yes i am the same im happy being single and maybe a little scared and hesitant to get attached again as when it ends it drops me to a very low place which is dangerous so id rather be alone and safe
So TRUE 👀 I have never had anyone to depend upon as a child I had no Advocate to protect me from abuse, in every aspect. The pen and the paper were my 👉🏾 best friends sadly, they still are.
It's taken me to leave the love of my life, then get dumped by a person I was desperately trying to please and be 'good enough' for, then get covid and be stuck alone, living alone, in real isolation, battling with suicidal thoughts, to come out the other side and be 'okay' on my own. But now that I AM okay, I know that it was all worth it. Lots of love to all of you out there with BPD ♥️🤗
Damn......that's rough, and I totally can understand this in a very similar way. This made you stronger and was actually what you needed, although it was extremely difficult. I know that may seem strange, but that's how I see these things. My best to you always
@@zosoart I'm so sorry you experienced this hardship. Life is so freakin crazy right?! Like wtf......my head is still spinning, but moving forward, purging and healing this trauma! Keep going sweetheart! Much love and hugs! JD
I was raised by two very dismissive parents. I’m used to being alone and without support. I cope because I disassociate a lot. I’m never really myself and I forget any pain or emotional discomfort. When I’m lucid I crash and hide in despair. I’ve been making up friends ( nothing to do with dissociation); it’s like playing pretend. I’ve coped all my life by inventing friends to talk to. Really poor quality of life but most people don’t stick around
I experience something really similar! I can relate to the disassociation, and the fantasies. I basically idealized an online relationship I had and used it as a fantasy whenever I would feel bad, and now that it’s over, I’m realizing how emotionally dependent I still am and it sucks. It feels like nothing will be okay when I’m not able to talk to him, so I text him and it feels like everything is okay again, at least until his lack of feelings becomes apparent again. everyone is telling me I shouldn’t talk to him, but I can just imagine that feeling of everything being okay again and even though it’s not logical it feels like we could get back together. All I hear about is self compassion this and emotional resilience that but I have no idea how to get there and the advice sounds so dry and useless. To make things worse, since I would think about him when things got hard, my first instinct is to do that now but it just hurts even more:( Anyways sorry for the rant, i just related to the playing pretend thing.
I score high on BPD. Often when I'm alone with no one to please, I feel like I'm a no one. It's a devastating sensation of rage, being meaningless and empty. Then I will escape reality in whatever way possible to avoid feeling that meaningless and weak. However, I'm glad you tell me it's the BPD making me think this way. That there is a core content, just not discovered yet by myself. It gives me a sensation of hope. I feel like I forget to attribute this sensation of emptiness to my BPD from time to time. It can be really convincing at times. Even making me think that I lie to myself when I try to be optimistic. Thanks doc, I needed (or wanted? 😜) this video.
I had covert Narcissistic spouses that harmed. I had no way out ( but would have left ). I had a huge family to raise. I had no other figure, but had a few partial father figures. I have wanted a healthy relationship but had no way to search for him. I'm 65!!! With all the anti narcissism studies I know I'm not searching for an unrealistic relationship. If anything I avoid many potentials. I have been through alot, and my primary motivations are to seek answers, solutions to problems. Without feeling I can't handle it, yet reality is I need help...and want it. Although I'm searching for the right relationship, right for myself, right for my children and grandchildren.When I was younger I was desperate. Desperation makes us react, for me it never worked out anyway...trying to get the correct help i needed ..never realized the hope. I've learned to step back and accept the internal angst, that goes back to early days. I accept the limitations, and I know I'm not dependent. Thanks for explaining.
@@christineplaton3048 thank you for your comment. It sounds like you've been through a lot. Personally I find relationships really hard to deal with as well. People with BPD can love so intense, no wonder we attract individuals with NPD. They are the rare ones who feed off our heavy emotional attachment. It makes them feel important I guess. Personally I choose to be single. Especially because I have these moodswings, which can be triggered by the smallest of incidents or remarks. Then there's the emptiness and anxiety as well. I'm 25 years old and have never had a girlfriend because of this reason, even though there are women who seem to like my "sensitive" side. I can definitely understand them and love to help them. But it's this love for them which makes me want to protect them from bonding with me up to a level of a relationship, if that makes sense. I know I can only stay the closest to them as a friend. And even then there will be times when I disappear off the radar due to depression/exhaustion or drug use. So definitely better for me to stay single until I'm in remission. I want to be able to give her the best version of myself. And therefore I'll wait. Seems like we're both on the same quest though. I truly hope you will find the best husband you deserve. I also hope you'll find the right help to find ease with the symptoms of BPD. We deserve that. 🙏✨
@James. I don't have BPD. I have grief issue for certain. I have no attachments to anyone, not now and not other than my abuser...in a valid marriage. I had tried to get help at one point and the person misunderstood. It's been difficult not wanting to do any more harm. It's a different culture. So through frustration trying to end get closure to what was obvious a huge issue..not never occurred. Meanwhile I have needs as a human. I'm ok alone but need help with driving and other safety concerns. I'm not feeling attached. I was taught agape love. I can love others for who they are
@James. I'm definitely affected by prior abuse because I ruminate. I continue to study. I worry for my children and I'm a socially concerned person. I abhor abusiveness...but see it everywhere. I live alone ok. It's quiet with limited noise. I've kind of been using this utube for time filling. Given a choice I'd be taking college classes. Anyway you might find some great workbooks, and work through it with a combination of reading and written activities. Joining a group of some kind helps getting used to community and other people. We really need social interaction but on a similar level. I need college types that can stimulate me in conversation...work on projects. It's good to have hobbies and be with others. I'm a writer. So a writing group would work well. I'm a singer but not into musicians and alot of noisy jam sessions. It's important to try to find a healthy companion. You have to want and believe. Sometimes it doesn't turn out the way you hope. That's just life. Personally I can't live a lie. I hope you find happiness. And myself too.
I guess we better dont follow western labling system for our troubles. That maybe a scientific system based on "symptoms" but not suited for the object being observed (the patient) to face the trouble she/he facing with! Just experience your situation fully and face it with your insights and inquiry, then wait enough for answers to emerge. Ive experienced that time can have serious empacts.
Dr. Fox 🙄 💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯 I need YOU 👀 to know understand and comprehend 👉🏾👉🏾👉🏾 I FIRED my therapist of 5 years because he could NOT hold a (🕯) candle to how YOU 👀 Have positively radically affected and effected my struggle living with "Complex BPD" I said it before and will say again 👉🏾👉🏾👉🏾 YOU ARE THE GREATEST 💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯
Thank you so much Dr. Fox! I find internal family systems and EMDR to be a magical combination to help clients with complex trauma attach to the adult self securely, and then all their relationships become much more securely attached.
Wow, earned secure attachment? That's amazing that you're helping people in this way. Have you been doing this long enough to arrive at some kind of average for how long this generally takes? I wish it were standard practice for anyone whose been through any sort of trauma to have EMDR immediately after, before the symptoms of PTSD begin to show up. I'm thinking law enforcement, fire personnel, and other first responders, children as they are placed into the foster care system, even short term, refugees being held at any border. I can think of so many applications where children and adults are traumatized, and this seems like it should be a standard practice (as in the moist basic gesture of human decency).
@@le_th_ I agree we would all benefit if those who experience trauma were able to heal with EMDR! As far as these protocols I mentioned above, they are both very humanely efficient, and when used together, miraculously so. However, complex trauma can take longer to address and (sometimes a good bit longer than a year). The good news is if someone only has access to a few (8-12) sessions, a lot can be done for them!
@@harrietthespy2119 That's good to know. The brain needs as much help as it can get to begin to heal itself so it can effectively process those memories, recognize the threat has passed, and store them appropriately.
I have found over time enough people trying to latch onto me with emotional dependency issues, and also enough without the emotional dependency but still equally intimidated, that I chose to do away with conventional relationships. I think that the importance of emphasizing the development of your own campfire cannot be understated. "A gold medal is a wonderful thing. But if you're not enough without it, you'll never be enough with it."
Dr Fox, please could you talk about how childhood bullying effects BPD specifically relating to that BPD lens of feeling "less than"? I know you've discussed parental and relationship abuse but what traumatised me the most was consistent bullying from other children all throughout my childhood and teenage years, usually about my weight and appearance but often about being weird, cringy, embarrassing or socially outcast. I don't believe my BPD as such is causing me to view myself as "less than"; I was repeatedly told I was "less than" for years by other people. Could you please make a video on this? It would be so valuable to me and, I'm sure, many others.
Omg, yes! That is what I am wondering about for a long time as well!! I think the effects of long-term bullying, especially at a young age where you should develop socially and emotionally, is often overlooked! I would really like to know this as well, please make such a video 🙂
I am a 25 year old male currently waiting to receive a psychiatric evaluation for BPD, CPTSD with Narcissistic traits. It has been hell but I know I need help and my failed relationships, addiction, rage, depression is too much now and i can't continue hurting myself or others. I must face my pain and learn to grow. I want to say that Dr Daniel Fox has been the absolute best in helping me understand my position and hope for treatment. No judgement. No hopelessness. Just optimism and realistic treatment goals. I want to change and be better. And I hope my future psychotherapist is as compassionate and understanding as this man. He really is doing God's work. If you feel like these critera match your personality, seek an evaluation and get counselling. I used to fear finding out what darkness lay in me, but It has to be faced. God bless you all.
I hope that you found help and wish you well! Dr Fox has got the workbook available, maybe you can buy it as further support. I find dr Ramani as well very insightful, check her out!
This video is very timely. I have realized that the feeling of infactuation is a warning sign. This is actually driven by the core content revolving around my mothers abandoning me. I want to fill this need but I don't want cause pain for myself or anyone else. I am hoping to spend a year on my own so I can learn more about myself. Being on my own is scary. But I think it is necessary.
You have no idea how helpful your videos are. Thank you so much for this content! I have been depending on people my whole life, and I know this is really unhealthy. I am growing each day and someday I'll be good enough for myself
Thank you for being such an amazing and caring Doctor. I love that I'm able to come to your channel and learn more and more about BPD and what to expect from different situations. I've been watching for almost a year now since an old friend and I had reconnected. He told me about all of his mental health issues and I took it upon myself to try and learn and understand them and that is one choice I'm so glad I've made. He is now not just a friend but we have been dating for almost a year now and having the understanding of how he thinks and how his brain works has made our relationship like one I've never thought possible. It's not always easy living with and loving someone with BPD but having the understanding of what they live with daily and how to deal with different scenarios has made it so much easier. Thank you again Dr. Fox, I don't know where my relationship would be without your knowledge.
You are helping people, Dr. Fox, and you're even helping friends/family/favorite people with loved ones who have BPD understand what they go through internally. Thank you for sharing your knowledge, experience, and time so generously. You are so appreciated~
I just ordered the BPD workbook and am so excited! As someone diagnosed with BPD, MDD and PTSD, I've found these videos so helpful and am sure the book will be the same!
I never talk to myself as a borderline....I never existed ..it was always externalized...I never knew that people have an internal dialog. I just dont have one...I never realized this, I feel much like a ghost, or non existent...in that there isn't much of a self dialog running inside my head ..its all external & focused on the needs of others. I dont know how to comprehend having a self or internal dialog, I just automatically internalize others as a replacement. If that makes sense.
Hello dr. Fox, I've been diagnosed with bpd a while ago but never followed up with a counselor due to financial reasons. I'm currently using your workbook, making slow but somewhat steady progress and I've been following your uploads on this channel. I was wondering if you could make a video on fear of abandonment in the case of losing someone to death. In other words, how bpd experiences grief and what to do to lessen its impact on them if possible. Thank you 🌸
Your videos really provide relief for me doctor thank you so much i just realised that its not love but bpd every symptom is true for me this bpd made me very exhausted i was addicted to my favourite person like a drug for years
This is such good advise just for managing BPD in general. Espically the part about how we internalize our negative thoughts which can then lead to the dependency of external validation. After being in a terrible relationship for 5 years I'm realizing I don't like much about the dating scene now. Everyone out there reminds me of her in the way they operate, my generation has this whole sneaky link culture that doesn't really sit well with me. I'd rather keep working on breaking my patterns and then maybe one day I'll meet someone willing to work with me. Thanks for the videos, their all super helpful
Hi Alexis, if possible, would you be willing to share more about what a "sneaky link" culture means? Either way, I'm happy for you that you're working on yourself, and breaking some patterns, and hoping to find someone willing to work with you. That sounds so emotionally mature and reasonable.
Another great video! I don't have BPD but I am always taken by how helpful and accurate to my issues your concepts are. I suffer from ocd, depression and anxiety mostly stemming I think from this lack of self worth feeling. I always go for the hot fire and get burned because I think I need it. Your metaphors like this and the chocolate covered grasshoppers are EPIC.
I was married once and did need him. Not anymore. I learned to not need anything from anyone and building myself up. It takes time to heal after narc abuse but I’m doing it and proud. Juts wish theorist would have told me years ago! Now we have 2 damaged children and not just me.
The relationship that we have decided to enter into is because we both want it. I feel that it's not a desperate need to be with another person but to be with a man that we both feel in many ways compatible. We don't agree on everything, we don't always share each others taste in music, clothes of food but we share a deep closeness of companionship. We're okay when we're alone and we happy when where together. Sex isn't our drive force, our caring is. Its not perfect but it is the best for us.
@@DrDanielFox after 27 years of not being in a relationship, and never thinking I would ever be in one again he came along and its close to what one could call "perfect"...made for us both. Nothing feels like a chore. Our relationship is not perfect but it's perfect for us 🤗
Thank you Dr. Fox for this video and other videos you have made. As a person with traits of BPD, I have struggled a lot in many life aspects and esp in relationships. However, right now i cant afford psychotherapy, your videos are really helpful to me
i honestly don't think i've ever actually liked anyone romantically, i always "fall" for people bc they have traits i wish i had and then i idealise them bc they make me feel like i have worth in the honeymoon phase. the moment the mutual obsession dies down and i don't feel "perfect" in their eyes anymore, i split on them and want to leave bc if i don't feel perfect then i don't feel worth anything at all. i see my friends partners spoil them and treat them like they're the only woman they'd ever want to be with, and i've never had that, every guy i've been with has mistreated me in some way or another, i constantly gravitate towards people who will hurt me it seems. i wish i knew what it was like to actually fall in love with someone and vice versa, a happy, genuine relationship is all i've ever wanted but i feel as though i'm far better staying single bc this cycle seems to repeat itself no matter how hard i try :')
i’m an undiagnosed borderline because my family believes that this type of treatment is only for crazy people. i hate this. i hate the feeling of needing others attention, i hate feeling that i need someone to feel good abt me.
@@DrDanielFox Do you think you can help me? I'm from the UK and have been waiting since May to be seen by the PD clinic. I will be seen in January but I am going out of my mind 😒
love the video! can u do a video on two borderlines dating? i’ve heard that borderline and narcississts attract eachother and it’s a total storm but what if two ppl with bpd date? i like this girl but we both have bpd .. is this compatible if we are both in therapy (her just starting and me two years in)? thank you
Totally I have said this to my partner that I think our relationship is too co dependent and isn't healthy, I think we suffocate each other and aren't being the best people we can be. We need to work on it because we do love each other and at first it was me being the suffocating one but now it's both of us and it's not healthy.
My rational mind has been knowing this since a long time - that I should find that appreciation and feeling of being seen within myself. I know it, yet no matter how hard I try, I can't really FEEL it. No matter if I do affirmations, thankfulness practice, the "fake it till you make it" strategy, or trying to be ruled by reason, not by emotion, and not to believe all those emotions, I still feel that void and emptiness when I don't have any "favourite person". After 3 years of a very passionate but very complicated relationship with many ons and offs, we are freshly broken up again and although I know there have been many many triubles, I can't atop thinking of wanting him back (he was the one to break up, just like the 7 other times). How can I beat that dependency?
I think the first step is to develop insight, which it sounds like you have. The next step is actually to build an internal sense of self. Without that I think that that external dependency remains in place. I have several videos on that that you might find helpful, they focus on abandonment and sense of self. Be well.
What can I do? My girlfriend with BPD traits who is seeing a psychiatrist and psychologist . Story been together for 4 years (I'm her lst relationship 41yrs old ) a roller coaster ride , idealised and devalued ups and downs, push and pull, intimate and withdrawal I try sooo hard 😟 giving her space not pursuing at all!! when we are intimate she looks into my eyes and says ' "this is what I want , a life with you and being forever together," I can do this" "I'm so relaxed excited and happy beening with you and having a future together'. she has even picked out a ring etc! it's so beautiful hearing this but the next day I get a text with a completely different response with " l prefer to be on my own , i like being and living by myself " I respond again by asking about last night , she says' that was when I wasn't thinking', and again I give her space and she always comes back . Its been 15 month's without being intimate let alone spending time with her only a few hours every second or third week or if we go to her parents or family gatherings 😌 I was told last year our conversations became repetitive and boring we were ' stuck in a rut'!!! After my bday a few years ago we went 9 weeks without seeing each other and communication was only by text or calling . All her family, friend's, doctors say I'm the most loving and caring person they know!!!! she has said also how awful she has treated me and her brain has wobble wobbles , I always say I'm here for her FOREVER I love you and will always be here for YOU❤️. I have done sooooo much research on BPD I know how hard it is and emotionally draining it is for her. It's soooo hard and I want to do more she is intelligent sooo beautiful an amazing woman but it's soooo hard.
Yo, yo, yo!!! Get the hell out of it. She's taking you for granted. She's horrible. Plus those long periods you're not together I guarantee you She's doing things with others. I mean come on. This ain't gonna change. Why you accepting it? Why you showing her she can do this and the guy will still stick with her? You definitely don't represent a confident man on his grind. You think that cunt would go through all this for you? You're just not aware. Be a man! I get it that you're a good dude. But....also hold ground and consequences equally. You should be loving and caring but also confident and assertive.
I think you've done all you can to be there for her. People with bpd often push people away, especially people that are good for them, because maybe they believe they don't deserve it or maybe they're subconsciously abandoning you because they often assume everyone will abandon them also. Whatever the reason may be and no matter how much you try to be there for them, sometimes they're just not at a point to be receptive to that and the only thing you can do is move on. In fact, that may be the best thing for them depending on the situation. A prefect example of why moving on may be the best decision is because the exact opposite of your situation would be codependence, and you don't want that to happen either. And just from the context you've given and your seemingly attentive and compassionate personality traits that I get from your comment, I get the feeling that you're someone who would be really easy to depend on. Also on the other side of this situation is you and what you deserve and need from a partner. It doesn't sound like she would've been in a headspace to be there for you when you need it. And take this advice from someone who recently learned the hard way: hypothetically if she were to be in a relationship with you currently, she would likely become codependent, like I mentioned. And say you've been together for a while and at this point she relies on you heavily to help her cope and feels like she's not able to do it without you. Then something happens in your life to where you now need to depend on her more.. She's not going to be able to be there for you in the way you need because she still hasn't learned how to do that for herself yet because she's always had you to rely on. You both deserve healthy relationships and continuing to pursue this one will only do more harm than good for the both of you. ❤
This sounds like textbook, roller coast, push-pull dynamics. It sounds emotionally abusive to me, and maybe even psychologically abusive. She is like Lucy holding the football for you to kick, telling you that you can trust her, and once you finally run up and get close enough to kick the ball, she jerks it away from you, and you're left upside down and flat on your back with birds circling your head. She may be sooo beautiful, but it only occasionally seeing that external "beauty" worth it for you to keep being in a neglectful, emotionally abusive relationship? Nothing you have posted here is surprising to me, it's that typical of what I would expect from either a male or female with BPD. Katie Perry has a great song about this...ruclips.net/video/kTHNpusq654/видео.html You are her doormat, unfortunately, and she's going to continue to treat a good, loving man like this because you've allowed it (and I'm not blaming you because a person without a Cluster B disorder probably wouldn't do this to you). You sound like a good man and a decent human being. I'm sorry you've treated so poorly by someone who isn't capable of truly loving you the way you deserve.
People pleasing has nearly killed me for most of my life. Now that I’ve found my identity in God and truly love myself, I no longer allow others to define who I am. You can’t really love anyone else in the right way until you love yourself in the right way
Thank you for this information. I watched this with my partner with BPD and we had a good discussion about it. I feel like I’m stuck in between need and want, and sometimes I can’t distinguish the difference. The line is so blurred I don’t know which side I should adhere to. Even today, I don’t understand my core content. I have a question, similar to this topic but not really. It’s kind of taboo in the BPD community, and I feel extremely bad about this behavior but I can’t help it. I wish I knew how to stop it, but is it possible to make a video or somehow explain why some individuals with BPD continue to develop crushes or some sort of fleeting love while being in a fulfilling relationship? I don’t know and don’t understand why this happens. I always describe it as a black hole. It gets filled with so much love, they give and give and give but that hole doesn’t retain that love. It’s like it’s never enough. I hope that makes sense. Sorry for the long comment but I’ve been trying to explore this topic.
Processing this with a mental health provider might be able to provide you some insight and the opportunity to develop adaptive strategies to manage it. I wish you all the best.
Hi Doctor. I have been watching your videos since a month and they have helped to cope a lot. Can you please make a video on how child sexual abuse is related to bpd, loneliness, bad relationships and how it affects our romantic life and life in general? I really want to know about what is troubling me through your videos and then take steps you say to make things better. Please help me with it as I can not afford a psychologist right now due to financial issues. And I really really support your work. You are helping a lot of people. Thank you for it!
It is really hard to find the truth self. I was always atracted to man with BPD or narcissoid, always left heartbroken. I dont know were anything about BPD comes, core content and self belief system. I was always fool of fear from abondanment scince childhood. And it just got worse in relationships. And I would really like it to shift. I would like to awake one day and love myself and accept myself deeply.
I certainly understand what you’re saying but we have to be careful that that sense of security doesn’t change into dependency were you feel like your only source of security is with that individual or that relationship. I wish you all the best.
I step in the ring all the time!! I have one too just like Rocky many people said I would never make it through college I had a learning disability in math and I prove them wrong so I disagree with you Dr.! I don’t have borderline personality disorder there’s some of these other things you talk about I do have complex PTSD but I get up every day and I fight and went against what everybody said and I finished my college degree. I made it through the math classes they said I would never make it through. And I still have more to prove I’m not done. And she’ll Covid I’ve been kind of put on her holding pattern
I'm trying to understand your theory and your talking was focused in need vs want to. So, you mean that the cone content is everything related with false beliefs, wrong patterns and false self-esteem. I think the fear factor blooms or shows up when the invasion of thought and false belief is in the game, and as you know the logic and cause- effect like yes or know ( black or white, right or wrong) are present. I didn't understand very well the effect based on Rocky character. Thanks anyway.
Rocky felt badly about himself, like he wasn’t worth anything, so in real life he probably wouldn’t have gone ahead and fought because of those beliefs.
mabye he dose, mabye he dosent lol you dont know lol cracks me up lol awesome video my parents are DV and drug counslers so I've kinda had a good general understanding but you deff brought some good spasifics into my mind my partner has been enforcing a lot of his boundores and in doing so has got me having time to actually have to fully understand this issue I've never been extremely dependent I'm not gonna deny that as a borderline i have a tendency to fall into dependent actions but your video really dose make perfect sense of what is at the core as I've realized i talk myself out of making decisions for myself sometimes expecully when I'm feeling lost and unsure of myself and your baloa effect talk as i don't deserve it ... or I'm bad if i try to want something and like somehow me stoping myself from wanting makes me more desirable..... or even worse that me not wanting will prevent a problem form starting ....... as i tend to focus on others ...... I've been learning quickly how to brake this and your video has given some new content t work on thanks
My current girlfriend had an emotional dependency on her last relationship.. He used to beat her , yell at her etc.. Why doesn’t she have the same emotional dependency on me? It makes me feel she had much more feelings/love in her past relationship and not with me.
@@DrDanielFox I understand completely, but it’s hard to digest how she stayed with a man like that and was with him for a year … With me , seems like she was easy ready to leave me when we had a small argument no yelling. I’m like why was she okay with him doing 100% worse than me and wanting to stay with him and with me it’s different
It is always a mess.. unfortunately... I don't know who I am and I expect from the other person to lobe and givee value... I idolize and then the exact opposite...
Yes I experienced that I get dependent in relationships.Be it a romantic relationship or friends or my family.Then also this comes in my mind that if we don't NEED each other in a relationship one can leave the other whenever they want.Thats what I have seen happening in my relationships n around me!! If their won't be any strings attached to the other person why that person will be with us!? Maybe I am confusing the terms CODEPENDENCY n EMOTIONAL SUPPORT. It's very confusing to me.pls explain.
They are with you because they chose you. I have the opposite problem ..they just need me and are using me for their needs, not because they want me. I feel drained like they only take
I constantly fall for people to whom I develop a crazy kind of dependency, It might even be on the behalf of my health and body , I remember not sleeping / eating for days because I broke up with my ex at the time , The decision was mine but I would still stalk him everywhere every day after a harsh night of no sleep and dehydration Crazy times man ! Tho I know it’s not done and I may still experience the same pain because I m not getting the appropriate professional help 😔
When I was doing badly and starting to decompensate my partner would shame me like my mother and teachers did. I would get worse and worse and wind up in a hospital.
I've been trying to get my friend to watch your videos because they'd be suuuch a great resource for her, but she doesn't watch RUclips videos at all and recently told me it isn't an accessible medium for her and that she would much prefer to read video transcripts, which she does when they're available. Is that something that would ever be available for your videos, written transcripts?
To me there's this crazy irony with BPD. It makes people feel hopeless, at least from my understanding, and yet gives them the ability to get fixated to a level that's earnestly impressive. But it's paradoxical, in that they wouldn't feel hopeless if they spent that energy making their lives better lol It reminds me of when I was a kid and my mom used to say stuff like "imagine if you put all that intelligence and time into something productive" lol
You wouldn't need to depend on others for your mental state if you put that energy into yourself. I get BPD is such a strong mental illness that the logic doesn't translate to them lol but wow
WHY shouldnt you determine ‘ being seen ‘ is a requirement of a valid relationship, ( actually an important element needed for there to Be honeymoon phase ! ) If it is temporary and characteristic of infatuation, no one is seeking that.
That is true many people do struggle to find their core continent and that’s why I’m gonna help provider can be really helpful to do this. My workbook also helps people to identify their core concepts and build strategies as well. I wish you all the best.
Everybody I know is married for money and practical reasons and they are lucky to be married period. I've gotton to the point where I don't think psychology is worth it's weight.
God is love ❤ I no longer believe I have bpd, I have the holy spirit and I know right from wrong. This is wrong... to convince someone to question love... the psychological side of emotional response is in the moral code of each of his children. Acts 2...the Miracles and trust in his wonders and his hands he holds the world!!!The lord is faithful and he is separating the sheep from the goats. My faith is strong. His will be done. Amen!!! ❤ I praise his holy name forever and always
Idk that sounds like you're heading down a path of delusion by denying bpd because of "god". Believe in whatever religion you want, but humans can't get help from invisible made-up people as much add they can from helping themselves
@@clydefrogthestoner Wow, did you ever express what I was thinking. So, I don't have BPD, but this made me wonder if the delusions and need for a favorite person could drive someone with BPD to make their "god" their favorite person. Honestly, that's the kind of delusional stuff I'd expect to hear from someone in a cult whose been geographically isolated, deprived of sleep, and then brainwashed. smh
Thank you Dr Daniel Fox I truly appreciate you everyday I have a psychologist and I have a psychiatrist and all that but you're amazing and I know I tell you this a lot but you are amazing and I really appreciate you and your eyes look very nice in this video thank you Dr Fox you give me hope and that's all I ever needed my whole life
my relationship with my best friend is in transition. It used to be complete emotional dependency, and there is still some there. I'm working on it. but there has always been love. and he is very patient and loving, and does not pressure me to rush through recovery. so for me, its kind of both right now.
The dependency is awful, it makes you feel horrible about yourself as well, that feeling of "needing," the attention of another person is just degrading.
I’ve been in my relationship for 17 years I’m 30 years old, we have a 13 year old son a 9 year old daughter and a 1 year old daughter. Sometimes our relationship is amazing like too good almost or it hell or it’s like even different then that idk, there is no real help. 20 years of too much for words to explain the thousands of things that have happened. I really don’t know I’m starting to think I’m the real issue
My question to anyone who bought his workbook is how is it different from Marshal Linehan's workbook, and has anyone bought this, and did it help you in any way?
I used to go for that "feeling" that I used to get from a certain man. Over the years I've learnt that that feeling is unhealthy. I've settled down with a totally different person. A calm, loving man that treats me with respect. Its not a hot love...sometimes it can be...but its still good when it's cooler. I don't panic anymore. He's helped me feel secure and let me grow within the relationship ❤
GJ, please explain more of the "feeling" you use to get from a certain man. And, why you use to panic. Thanks in advance
Huh, I totally understand what that is, I always did the feeling thing too. Thought it was an internal guidance thing, feels more like an addiction thing now. Happy for you that you've been able to grow into a healthier place 💚
@@rdaniel4574the certain man for me was one that spoke to me in a certain way, didn't show me respect or offer me support. It was familiarity that set off the feeling of 'I want that man' like I didn't know I could do better. So it's taken me a hell of alot of counseling and mindfulness on my part to understand my sense of worth. It's taken around 8 years in all and I still have to remind myself I am worth loving and mainly to love myself. ❤
@@lilkittenmew yes I understand that! Definitely can compare it to an addiction.
Sounds boring, lol. Not to be rude... but it sounds a bit like getting married for “practical reasons.” Like falling in love, not for love, but money. No self-sufficient person needs anything “practical” from a relationship, so I can’t understand why we are being taught (not just by psychology but by society) to settle like this. Even in an emotionally supportive relationship, well... If I wasn’t madly in love with the person; then their emotional support would feel hollow, like the kind we get from strangers, online. Sure, it feels good in the moment, and it’s nice to get, but it doesn’t really mean anything. I’ve been in “boring but supportive” relationships, and they made me feel like I was better off alone. No offense, though, everyone’s different.
I’m different, because I’m not emotionally dependent on anyone; I’m very cool with being alone, rather than with someone who is dull. But I do become codependent in relationships, in the sense that I fall in love with people who I find attractive and interesting, but feel I need to offer someone something in order to feel needed/useful. I’m a “rescuer,” but It’s never reciprocated. I’d love to be the “damsel in distress” for once.
Thanks for sharing your comment. The need for a savior is not uncommon.
I can understand, but from a male perspective. Best wishes
Yes i am the same im happy being single and maybe a little scared and hesitant to get attached again as when it ends it drops me to a very low place which is dangerous so id rather be alone and safe
I relate with this so hard.
Have you considered you may have a leaning toward avoidant attachment style?
It’s hard, but you need to learn to depend on yourself. ❤️
True but by doing this we’re able to connect to others in a healthier way
So TRUE 👀 I have never had anyone to depend upon as a child I had no Advocate to protect me from abuse, in every aspect. The pen and the paper were my 👉🏾 best friends sadly, they still are.
Congrats you've cured everyone. Every psychologist can hang up their degrees now because you solved mental illness with a single sentence.
How?
It's taken me to leave the love of my life, then get dumped by a person I was desperately trying to please and be 'good enough' for, then get covid and be stuck alone, living alone, in real isolation, battling with suicidal thoughts, to come out the other side and be 'okay' on my own.
But now that I AM okay, I know that it was all worth it.
Lots of love to all of you out there with BPD ♥️🤗
Thanks for your kind and brave thoughts.
thanks girl
Damn......that's rough, and I totally can understand this in a very similar way. This made you stronger and was actually what you needed, although it was extremely difficult. I know that may seem strange, but that's how I see these things. My best to you always
@@FromtheLightofTheDarkness yes, that's how I see it too! My best to you too, hugs x
@@zosoart
I'm so sorry you experienced this hardship. Life is so freakin crazy right?! Like wtf......my head is still spinning, but moving forward, purging and healing this trauma! Keep going sweetheart! Much love and hugs!
JD
I was raised by two very dismissive parents. I’m used to being alone and without support. I cope because I disassociate a lot. I’m never really myself and I forget any pain or emotional discomfort. When I’m lucid I crash and hide in despair. I’ve been making up friends ( nothing to do with dissociation); it’s like playing pretend. I’ve coped all my life by inventing friends to talk to. Really poor quality of life but most people don’t stick around
❤️🤗❤️
I experience something really similar! I can relate to the disassociation, and the fantasies. I basically idealized an online relationship I had and used it as a fantasy whenever I would feel bad, and now that it’s over, I’m realizing how emotionally dependent I still am and it sucks. It feels like nothing will be okay when I’m not able to talk to him, so I text him and it feels like everything is okay again, at least until his lack of feelings becomes apparent again. everyone is telling me I shouldn’t talk to him, but I can just imagine that feeling of everything being okay again and even though it’s not logical it feels like we could get back together. All I hear about is self compassion this and emotional resilience that but I have no idea how to get there and the advice sounds so dry and useless. To make things worse, since I would think about him when things got hard, my first instinct is to do that now but it just hurts even more:(
Anyways sorry for the rant, i just related to the playing pretend thing.
I score high on BPD. Often when I'm alone with no one to please, I feel like I'm a no one. It's a devastating sensation of rage, being meaningless and empty. Then I will escape reality in whatever way possible to avoid feeling that meaningless and weak.
However, I'm glad you tell me it's the BPD making me think this way. That there is a core content, just not discovered yet by myself. It gives me a sensation of hope. I feel like I forget to attribute this sensation of emptiness to my BPD from time to time. It can be really convincing at times. Even making me think that I lie to myself when I try to be optimistic.
Thanks doc, I needed (or wanted? 😜) this video.
I had covert Narcissistic spouses that harmed. I had no way out ( but would have left ). I had a huge family to raise. I had no other figure, but had a few partial father figures. I have wanted a healthy relationship but had no way to search for him. I'm 65!!! With all the anti narcissism studies I know I'm not searching for an unrealistic relationship. If anything I avoid many potentials. I have been through alot, and my primary motivations are to seek answers, solutions to problems. Without feeling I can't handle it, yet reality is I need help...and want it. Although I'm searching for the right relationship, right for myself, right for my children and grandchildren.When I was younger I was desperate. Desperation makes us react, for me it never worked out anyway...trying to get the correct help i needed ..never realized the hope. I've learned to step back and accept the internal angst, that goes back to early days. I accept the limitations, and I know I'm not dependent. Thanks for explaining.
@@christineplaton3048 thank you for your comment. It sounds like you've been through a lot. Personally I find relationships really hard to deal with as well. People with BPD can love so intense, no wonder we attract individuals with NPD. They are the rare ones who feed off our heavy emotional attachment. It makes them feel important I guess.
Personally I choose to be single. Especially because I have these moodswings, which can be triggered by the smallest of incidents or remarks. Then there's the emptiness and anxiety as well. I'm 25 years old and have never had a girlfriend because of this reason, even though there are women who seem to like my "sensitive" side. I can definitely understand them and love to help them. But it's this love for them which makes me want to protect them from bonding with me up to a level of a relationship, if that makes sense. I know I can only stay the closest to them as a friend. And even then there will be times when I disappear off the radar due to depression/exhaustion or drug use. So definitely better for me to stay single until I'm in remission. I want to be able to give her the best version of myself. And therefore I'll wait.
Seems like we're both on the same quest though. I truly hope you will find the best husband you deserve. I also hope you'll find the right help to find ease with the symptoms of BPD. We deserve that. 🙏✨
@James. I don't have BPD. I have grief issue for certain. I have no attachments to anyone, not now and not other than my abuser...in a valid marriage. I had tried to get help at one point and the person misunderstood. It's been difficult not wanting to do any more harm. It's a different culture. So through frustration trying to end get closure to what was obvious a huge issue..not never occurred. Meanwhile I have needs as a human. I'm ok alone but need help with driving and other safety concerns. I'm not feeling attached. I was taught agape love. I can love others for who they are
@James. I'm definitely affected by prior abuse because I ruminate. I continue to study. I worry for my children and I'm a socially concerned person. I abhor abusiveness...but see it everywhere. I live alone ok. It's quiet with limited noise. I've kind of been using this utube for time filling. Given a choice I'd be taking college classes. Anyway you might find some great workbooks, and work through it with a combination of reading and written activities. Joining a group of some kind helps getting used to community and other people. We really need social interaction but on a similar level. I need college types that can stimulate me in conversation...work on projects. It's good to have hobbies and be with others. I'm a writer. So a writing group would work well. I'm a singer but not into musicians and alot of noisy jam sessions. It's important to try to find a healthy companion. You have to want and believe. Sometimes it doesn't turn out the way you hope. That's just life. Personally I can't live a lie. I hope you find happiness. And myself too.
I guess we better dont follow western labling system for our troubles. That maybe a scientific system based on "symptoms" but not suited for the object being observed (the patient) to face the trouble she/he facing with! Just experience your situation fully and face it with your insights and inquiry, then wait enough for answers to emerge.
Ive experienced that time can have serious empacts.
Dr. Fox 🙄
💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯
I need YOU 👀 to know understand and comprehend 👉🏾👉🏾👉🏾 I FIRED my therapist of 5 years because he could NOT hold a (🕯) candle to how YOU 👀 Have positively
radically affected and effected my struggle living with "Complex BPD"
I said it before and will say again 👉🏾👉🏾👉🏾 YOU ARE THE GREATEST
💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯
Thank you so much Dr. Fox! I find internal family systems and EMDR to be a magical combination to help clients with complex trauma attach to the adult self securely, and then all their relationships become much more securely attached.
Wow, earned secure attachment? That's amazing that you're helping people in this way. Have you been doing this long enough to arrive at some kind of average for how long this generally takes?
I wish it were standard practice for anyone whose been through any sort of trauma to have EMDR immediately after, before the symptoms of PTSD begin to show up. I'm thinking law enforcement, fire personnel, and other first responders, children as they are placed into the foster care system, even short term, refugees being held at any border. I can think of so many applications where children and adults are traumatized, and this seems like it should be a standard practice (as in the moist basic gesture of human decency).
@@le_th_ I agree we would all benefit if those who experience trauma were able to heal with EMDR! As far as these protocols I mentioned above, they are both very humanely efficient, and when used together, miraculously so. However, complex trauma can take longer to address and (sometimes a good bit longer than a year). The good news is if someone only has access to a few (8-12) sessions, a lot can be done for them!
@@harrietthespy2119 That's good to know. The brain needs as much help as it can get to begin to heal itself so it can effectively process those memories, recognize the threat has passed, and store them appropriately.
I have found over time enough people trying to latch onto me with emotional dependency issues, and also enough without the emotional dependency but still equally intimidated, that I chose to do away with conventional relationships. I think that the importance of emphasizing the development of your own campfire cannot be understated. "A gold medal is a wonderful thing. But if you're not enough without it, you'll never be enough with it."
It's so important to keep challenging that core content
It keeps coming back however awareness is key and I have that now
Believe and trust
Dr Fox, please could you talk about how childhood bullying effects BPD specifically relating to that BPD lens of feeling "less than"?
I know you've discussed parental and relationship abuse but what traumatised me the most was consistent bullying from other children all throughout my childhood and teenage years, usually about my weight and appearance but often about being weird, cringy, embarrassing or socially outcast.
I don't believe my BPD as such is causing me to view myself as "less than"; I was repeatedly told I was "less than" for years by other people.
Could you please make a video on this? It would be so valuable to me and, I'm sure, many others.
Great idea.
@@DrDanielFox Thank you! Your reply made my day :)
hi, your comment echoes my experience. thank you for posting it ❤️
Omg, yes! That is what I am wondering about for a long time as well!! I think the effects of long-term bullying, especially at a young age where you should develop socially and emotionally, is often overlooked! I would really like to know this as well, please make such a video 🙂
I was bullied by peers and even some teachers, my brothers and even my
Mom, I just want to be loved but I don’t feel like I’m worth it.
I am a 25 year old male currently waiting to receive a psychiatric evaluation for BPD, CPTSD with Narcissistic traits. It has been hell but I know I need help and my failed relationships, addiction, rage, depression is too much now and i can't continue hurting myself or others. I must face my pain and learn to grow. I want to say that Dr Daniel Fox has been the absolute best in helping me understand my position and hope for treatment. No judgement. No hopelessness. Just optimism and realistic treatment goals. I want to change and be better. And I hope my future psychotherapist is as compassionate and understanding as this man. He really is doing God's work.
If you feel like these critera match your personality, seek an evaluation and get counselling. I used to fear finding out what darkness lay in me, but It has to be faced. God bless you all.
I hope that you found help and wish you well!
Dr Fox has got the workbook available, maybe you can buy it as further support.
I find dr Ramani as well very insightful, check her out!
This video is very timely. I have realized that the feeling of infactuation is a warning sign. This is actually driven by the core content revolving around my mothers abandoning me. I want to fill this need but I don't want cause pain for myself or anyone else. I am hoping to spend a year on my own so I can learn more about myself. Being on my own is scary. But I think it is necessary.
I’m glad you found it helpful.
You have no idea how helpful your videos are. Thank you so much for this content! I have been depending on people my whole life, and I know this is really unhealthy. I am growing each day and someday I'll be good enough for myself
Love the „choose wisely“ empire vs alliance thing in the background 🙂👌
Thank you for being such an amazing and caring Doctor. I love that I'm able to come to your channel and learn more and more about BPD and what to expect from different situations. I've been watching for almost a year now since an old friend and I had reconnected. He told me about all of his mental health issues and I took it upon myself to try and learn and understand them and that is one choice I'm so glad I've made. He is now not just a friend but we have been dating for almost a year now and having the understanding of how he thinks and how his brain works has made our relationship like one I've never thought possible. It's not always easy living with and loving someone with BPD but having the understanding of what they live with daily and how to deal with different scenarios has made it so much easier. Thank you again Dr. Fox, I don't know where my relationship would be without your knowledge.
You are helping people, Dr. Fox, and you're even helping friends/family/favorite people with loved ones who have BPD understand what they go through internally. Thank you for sharing your knowledge, experience, and time so generously. You are so appreciated~
I just ordered the BPD workbook and am so excited! As someone diagnosed with BPD, MDD and PTSD, I've found these videos so helpful and am sure the book will be the same!
Thank you and let me know how it goes. Be well.
I never talk to myself as a borderline....I never existed
..it was always externalized...I never knew that people have an internal dialog. I just dont have one...I never realized this, I feel much like a ghost, or non existent...in that there isn't much of a self dialog running inside my head
..its all external & focused on the needs of others. I dont know how to comprehend having a self or internal dialog, I just automatically internalize others as a replacement. If that makes sense.
Hello dr. Fox, I've been diagnosed with bpd a while ago but never followed up with a counselor due to financial reasons. I'm currently using your workbook, making slow but somewhat steady progress and I've been following your uploads on this channel. I was wondering if you could make a video on fear of abandonment in the case of losing someone to death. In other words, how bpd experiences grief and what to do to lessen its impact on them if possible. Thank you 🌸
I have two video, one on grief and loss and another on abandonment you may find helpful.
Your videos really provide relief for me doctor thank you so much i just realised that its not love but bpd every symptom is true for me this bpd made me very exhausted i was addicted to my favourite person like a drug for years
This is such good advise just for managing BPD in general. Espically the part about how we internalize our negative thoughts which can then lead to the dependency of external validation. After being in a terrible relationship for 5 years I'm realizing I don't like much about the dating scene now. Everyone out there reminds me of her in the way they operate, my generation has this whole sneaky link culture that doesn't really sit well with me. I'd rather keep working on breaking my patterns and then maybe one day I'll meet someone willing to work with me. Thanks for the videos, their all super helpful
I’m glad you found the suggestions helpful. Be well.
Hi Alexis, if possible, would you be willing to share more about what a "sneaky link" culture means?
Either way, I'm happy for you that you're working on yourself, and breaking some patterns, and hoping to find someone willing to work with you. That sounds so emotionally mature and reasonable.
@@le_th_ “sneaky link culture” is hookups basically. They live for right now they don’t think far as having a committed relationship.
@@budgetcrypto120 Ooooh, thank you for the insight! I appreciate you taking the time to share your knowledge! : )
Another great video! I don't have BPD but I am always taken by how helpful and accurate to my issues your concepts are. I suffer from ocd, depression and anxiety mostly stemming I think from this lack of self worth feeling. I always go for the hot fire and get burned because I think I need it. Your metaphors like this and the chocolate covered grasshoppers are EPIC.
Wow, Dr Fox this is breathtaking material. I'm glad that I found your channel. Your scholarly insight is affirming and empowering.
Welcome and thank you.
I was married once and did need him. Not anymore. I learned to not need anything from anyone and building myself up. It takes time to heal after narc abuse but I’m doing it and proud. Juts wish theorist would have told me years ago! Now we have 2 damaged children and not just me.
This video was wonderful doctor. Please do it more often! It's really helping!
The relationship that we have decided to enter into is because we both want it. I feel that it's not a desperate need to be with another person but to be with a man that we both feel in many ways compatible. We don't agree on everything, we don't always share each others taste in music, clothes of food but we share a deep closeness of companionship. We're okay when we're alone and we happy when where together. Sex isn't our drive force, our caring is. Its not perfect but it is the best for us.
If it works for you then that is what makes it a great fit!
@@DrDanielFox after 27 years of not being in a relationship, and never thinking I would ever be in one again he came along and its close to what one could call "perfect"...made for us both. Nothing feels like a chore. Our relationship is not perfect but it's perfect for us 🤗
You articulated this topic well and are spot on!
Thanks 😊
please never stop making videos. you are helping so many. thank you thank k you
Thank you Dr. Fox for this video and other videos you have made. As a person with traits of BPD, I have struggled a lot in many life aspects and esp in relationships. However, right now i cant afford psychotherapy, your videos are really helpful to me
Hello Dr. Fox. Can you please make a video on what it means to love, and how to properly learn to love people for who they are?
This video couldn’t have come at a better time.
Glad it was helpful!
i honestly don't think i've ever actually liked anyone romantically, i always "fall" for people bc they have traits i wish i had and then i idealise them bc they make me feel like i have worth in the honeymoon phase. the moment the mutual obsession dies down and i don't feel "perfect" in their eyes anymore, i split on them and want to leave bc if i don't feel perfect then i don't feel worth anything at all. i see my friends partners spoil them and treat them like they're the only woman they'd ever want to be with, and i've never had that, every guy i've been with has mistreated me in some way or another, i constantly gravitate towards people who will hurt me it seems. i wish i knew what it was like to actually fall in love with someone and vice versa, a happy, genuine relationship is all i've ever wanted but i feel as though i'm far better staying single bc this cycle seems to repeat itself no matter how hard i try :')
This is good insight. Use it to develop adaptive strategies.
I spend most of my time dissociating so I guess I cope with bpd. But I only got told I have it yesterday.
I have some BPD-traits and also some dependent personality traits. This is so much an issue for me.
Star Wars makes everything ok.
I've noticed I lean on my therapist a lot, missing appointments and my life crumbles.
I did it dr. I left the inferno. But I still love him after 5 months. And I don't like life without him :(
The experience can be want and need
I’ve often seen this get very confusing. It’s good to try and tease them out when you can, IMHO
i’m an undiagnosed borderline because my family believes that this type of treatment is only for crazy people.
i hate this. i hate the feeling of needing others attention, i hate feeling that i need someone to feel good abt me.
I've destroyed my relationship and I don't know what to do. Everyday is confusing. I am so sick of my mind.
It’s hard when we feel against ourselves. Be well
@@DrDanielFox Do you think you can help me? I'm from the UK and have been waiting since May to be seen by the PD clinic. I will be seen in January but I am going out of my mind 😒
i see the 100k plaque on the wall congrats doctor much love
love the video! can u do a video on two borderlines dating? i’ve heard that borderline and narcississts attract eachother and it’s a total storm but what if two ppl with bpd date?
i like this girl but we both have bpd .. is this compatible if we are both in therapy (her just starting and me two years in)?
thank you
Great idea 💡. Thanks
I’ve ordered ur workbook dr.. i hope i can manage my bpd easier with the help of ur book
Me too, please let me know how it goes. Others have found it helpful and hopefully you will too.
Totally I have said this to my partner that I think our relationship is too co dependent and isn't healthy, I think we suffocate each other and aren't being the best people we can be. We need to work on it because we do love each other and at first it was me being the suffocating one but now it's both of us and it's not healthy.
This was helpful thank you ☯️
My rational mind has been knowing this since a long time - that I should find that appreciation and feeling of being seen within myself. I know it, yet no matter how hard I try, I can't really FEEL it. No matter if I do affirmations, thankfulness practice, the "fake it till you make it" strategy, or trying to be ruled by reason, not by emotion, and not to believe all those emotions, I still feel that void and emptiness when I don't have any "favourite person". After 3 years of a very passionate but very complicated relationship with many ons and offs, we are freshly broken up again and although I know there have been many many triubles, I can't atop thinking of wanting him back (he was the one to break up, just like the 7 other times). How can I beat that dependency?
I think the first step is to develop insight, which it sounds like you have. The next step is actually to build an internal sense of self. Without that I think that that external dependency remains in place. I have several videos on that that you might find helpful, they focus on abandonment and sense of self. Be well.
What can I do? My girlfriend with BPD traits who is seeing a psychiatrist and psychologist . Story
been together for 4 years (I'm her lst relationship 41yrs old ) a roller coaster ride , idealised and devalued ups and downs, push and pull, intimate and withdrawal
I try sooo hard 😟 giving her space not pursuing at all!! when we are intimate she looks into my eyes and says ' "this is what I want , a life with you and being forever together," I can do this" "I'm so relaxed excited and happy beening with you and having a future
together'. she has even picked out a ring etc!
it's so beautiful hearing this but the next day I get a text with a completely different response with " l prefer to be on my own , i like being and living by myself "
I respond again by asking about last night , she says' that was when I wasn't thinking', and again I give her space and she always comes back . Its been 15 month's without being intimate let alone spending time with her only a few hours every second or third week or if we go to her parents or family gatherings 😌
I was told last year our conversations became repetitive and boring we were ' stuck in a rut'!!!
After my bday a few years ago we went 9 weeks without seeing each other and communication was only by text or calling . All her family, friend's, doctors say I'm the most loving and caring person they know!!!! she has said also how awful she has treated me and her brain has wobble wobbles , I always say I'm here for her FOREVER I love you and will always be here for YOU❤️.
I have done sooooo much research on BPD
I know how hard it is and emotionally draining it is for her. It's soooo hard and I want to do more she is intelligent sooo beautiful an amazing woman but it's soooo hard.
Yo, yo, yo!!! Get the hell out of it. She's taking you for granted. She's horrible. Plus those long periods you're not together I guarantee you She's doing things with others. I mean come on. This ain't gonna change. Why you accepting it? Why you showing her she can do this and the guy will still stick with her? You definitely don't represent a confident man on his grind. You think that cunt would go through all this for you? You're just not aware. Be a man! I get it that you're a good dude. But....also hold ground and consequences equally. You should be loving and caring but also confident and assertive.
Run like Forrest Gump and save yourself, my friend! There's nothing you can do.
I think you've done all you can to be there for her. People with bpd often push people away, especially people that are good for them, because maybe they believe they don't deserve it or maybe they're subconsciously abandoning you because they often assume everyone will abandon them also. Whatever the reason may be and no matter how much you try to be there for them, sometimes they're just not at a point to be receptive to that and the only thing you can do is move on. In fact, that may be the best thing for them depending on the situation. A prefect example of why moving on may be the best decision is because the exact opposite of your situation would be codependence, and you don't want that to happen either. And just from the context you've given and your seemingly attentive and compassionate personality traits that I get from your comment, I get the feeling that you're someone who would be really easy to depend on. Also on the other side of this situation is you and what you deserve and need from a partner. It doesn't sound like she would've been in a headspace to be there for you when you need it. And take this advice from someone who recently learned the hard way: hypothetically if she were to be in a relationship with you currently, she would likely become codependent, like I mentioned. And say you've been together for a while and at this point she relies on you heavily to help her cope and feels like she's not able to do it without you. Then something happens in your life to where you now need to depend on her more.. She's not going to be able to be there for you in the way you need because she still hasn't learned how to do that for herself yet because she's always had you to rely on. You both deserve healthy relationships and continuing to pursue this one will only do more harm than good for the both of you. ❤
This sounds like textbook, roller coast, push-pull dynamics. It sounds emotionally abusive to me, and maybe even psychologically abusive. She is like Lucy holding the football for you to kick, telling you that you can trust her, and once you finally run up and get close enough to kick the ball, she jerks it away from you, and you're left upside down and flat on your back with birds circling your head.
She may be sooo beautiful, but it only occasionally seeing that external "beauty" worth it for you to keep being in a neglectful, emotionally abusive relationship?
Nothing you have posted here is surprising to me, it's that typical of what I would expect from either a male or female with BPD.
Katie Perry has a great song about this...ruclips.net/video/kTHNpusq654/видео.html
You are her doormat, unfortunately, and she's going to continue to treat a good, loving man like this because you've allowed it (and I'm not blaming you because a person without a Cluster B disorder probably wouldn't do this to you).
You sound like a good man and a decent human being. I'm sorry you've treated so poorly by someone who isn't capable of truly loving you the way you deserve.
People pleasing has nearly killed me for most of my life. Now that I’ve found my identity in God and truly love myself, I no longer allow others to define who I am. You can’t really love anyone else in the right way until you love yourself in the right way
Thank you for this information. I watched this with my partner with BPD and we had a good discussion about it. I feel like I’m stuck in between need and want, and sometimes I can’t distinguish the difference. The line is so blurred I don’t know which side I should adhere to. Even today, I don’t understand my core content.
I have a question, similar to this topic but not really. It’s kind of taboo in the BPD community, and I feel extremely bad about this behavior but I can’t help it. I wish I knew how to stop it, but is it possible to make a video or somehow explain why some individuals with BPD continue to develop crushes or some sort of fleeting love while being in a fulfilling relationship?
I don’t know and don’t understand why this happens. I always describe it as a black hole. It gets filled with so much love, they give and give and give but that hole doesn’t retain that love. It’s like it’s never enough.
I hope that makes sense. Sorry for the long comment but I’ve been trying to explore this topic.
Processing this with a mental health provider might be able to provide you some insight and the opportunity to develop adaptive strategies to manage it. I wish you all the best.
Hi Doctor. I have been watching your videos since a month and they have helped to cope a lot. Can you please make a video on how child sexual abuse is related to bpd, loneliness, bad relationships and how it affects our romantic life and life in general? I really want to know about what is troubling me through your videos and then take steps you say to make things better. Please help me with it as I can not afford a psychologist right now due to financial issues. And I really really support your work. You are helping a lot of people. Thank you for it!
You're welcome.
Thank you for this video. Helped a lot!
Thank you for discussing this. I need it so badly!
It is really hard to find the truth self. I was always atracted to man with BPD or narcissoid, always left heartbroken. I dont know were anything about BPD comes, core content and self belief system. I was always fool of fear from abondanment scince childhood. And it just got worse in relationships. And I would really like it to shift. I would like to awake one day and love myself and accept myself deeply.
It’s possible but typically a long process. It’s worth it. I wish you well.
No one:
Me: That "Choose Wisely" reminder. May the Force be with you.
And may the force be with you....
I’m learning to toast my own marshmallows and hope to toast them with someone someday ♥️ thank you for your work. Very helpful
You are so welcome!
For me it seems more like a dependency -- a feeling of security which perhaps maybe emotional.
I certainly understand what you’re saying but we have to be careful that that sense of security doesn’t change into dependency were you feel like your only source of security is with that individual or that relationship. I wish you all the best.
Thank you Dr Fox for these videos.
My pleasure!
Excellent video quality Dr!
Thanks.
You are amazing
Thanks 😊
Thank you Dr. Fox.
Informative....
I step in the ring all the time!! I have one too just like Rocky many people said I would never make it through college I had a learning disability in math and I prove them wrong so I disagree with you Dr.! I don’t have borderline personality disorder there’s some of these other things you talk about I do have complex PTSD but I get up every day and I fight and went against what everybody said and I finished my college degree. I made it through the math classes they said I would never make it through. And I still have more to prove I’m not done. And she’ll Covid I’ve been kind of put on her holding pattern
Thanks, I needed this today.
Your amazing! I wish you were my doc!
Thank you for your compliment. Be well.
@@DrDanielFox are you taking any new clients right now?
@@kimberlybee2099 I think that would be a good phone call to make to his place of business so whoever does his scheduling can tell you.
Great video! Thank you
Great video!!! Thank you for it!
I'm trying to understand your theory and your talking was focused in need vs want to. So, you mean that the cone content is everything related with false beliefs, wrong patterns and false self-esteem. I think the fear factor blooms or shows up when the invasion of thought and false belief is in the game, and as you know the logic and cause- effect like yes or know ( black or white, right or wrong) are present. I didn't understand very well the effect based on Rocky character. Thanks anyway.
Sorry. Sometimes new concepts take time to become clear. Patience and time. Thanks for the comment.
Rocky felt badly about himself, like he wasn’t worth anything, so in real life he probably wouldn’t have gone ahead and fought because of those beliefs.
mabye he dose, mabye he dosent lol you dont know lol cracks me up lol awesome video my parents are DV and drug counslers so I've kinda had a good general understanding but you deff brought some good spasifics into my mind my partner has been enforcing a lot of his boundores and in doing so has got me having time to actually have to fully understand this issue I've never been extremely dependent I'm not gonna deny that as a borderline i have a tendency to fall into dependent actions but your video really dose make perfect sense of what is at the core as I've realized i talk myself out of making decisions for myself sometimes expecully when I'm feeling lost and unsure of myself and your baloa effect talk as i don't deserve it ... or I'm bad if i try to want something and like somehow me stoping myself from wanting makes me more desirable..... or even worse that me not wanting will prevent a problem form starting ....... as i tend to focus on others ...... I've been learning quickly how to brake this and your video has given some new content t work on thanks
My current girlfriend had an emotional dependency on her last relationship.. He used to beat her , yell at her etc.. Why doesn’t she have the same emotional dependency on me? It makes me feel she had much more feelings/love in her past relationship and not with me.
It sounds like that was an unhealthy dependency, and it could very well be a good sign that she is grown out of it. I wish you well.
@@DrDanielFox I understand completely, but it’s hard to digest how she stayed with a man like that and was with him for a year … With me , seems like she was easy ready to leave me when we had a small argument no yelling. I’m like why was she okay with him doing 100% worse than me and wanting to stay with him and with me it’s different
It is always a mess.. unfortunately... I don't know who I am and I expect from the other person to lobe and givee value... I idolize and then the exact opposite...
thank you
You’re welcome ☺️
Yes I experienced that I get dependent in relationships.Be it a romantic relationship or friends or my family.Then also this comes in my mind that if we don't NEED each other in a relationship one can leave the other whenever they want.Thats what I have seen happening in my relationships n around me!! If their won't be any strings attached to the other person why that person will be with us!? Maybe I am confusing the terms CODEPENDENCY n EMOTIONAL SUPPORT.
It's very confusing to me.pls explain.
They are with you because they chose you. I have the opposite problem ..they just need me and are using me for their needs, not because they want me. I feel drained like they only take
Hi dr. Is there any books u recommend? Thank u
I constantly fall for people to whom I develop a crazy kind of dependency, It might even be on the behalf of my health and body , I remember not sleeping / eating for days because I broke up with my ex at the time , The decision was mine but I would still stalk him everywhere every day after a harsh night of no sleep and dehydration
Crazy times man ! Tho I know it’s not done and I may still experience the same pain because I m not getting the appropriate professional help 😔
"You're the marshmellow btw..." 💗
When I was doing badly and starting to decompensate my partner would shame me like my mother and teachers did. I would get worse and worse and wind up in a hospital.
Thank u as always!
My pleasure!
I've been trying to get my friend to watch your videos because they'd be suuuch a great resource for her, but she doesn't watch RUclips videos at all and recently told me it isn't an accessible medium for her and that she would much prefer to read video transcripts, which she does when they're available. Is that something that would ever be available for your videos, written transcripts?
I can see it when it breaks down subtitles but I’m not sure if you’d be able to. Sorry.
and well, i could wish for some other chance to come up,
but why would I hurt myself with imaginary scenarios that will never become a reality
Hello Dr. Fox
Thanks u
You’re welcome.
Please I need help now please please help me please
😳I love the burnt marshmallows perhaps therein lies the issue
To me there's this crazy irony with BPD. It makes people feel hopeless, at least from my understanding, and yet gives them the ability to get fixated to a level that's earnestly impressive.
But it's paradoxical, in that they wouldn't feel hopeless if they spent that energy making their lives better lol It reminds me of when I was a kid and my mom used to say stuff like "imagine if you put all that intelligence and time into something productive" lol
You wouldn't need to depend on others for your mental state if you put that energy into yourself.
I get BPD is such a strong mental illness that the logic doesn't translate to them lol but wow
Thank you a lot for calling me a Marshmallow, I appreciate that. Oh wait, that's not what this was about
WHY shouldnt you determine ‘ being seen ‘ is a requirement of a valid relationship, ( actually an important element needed for there to Be honeymoon phase ! )
If it is temporary and characteristic of infatuation, no one is seeking that.
Long live the EMPIRE🙌🙌
People with BPD will have difficulty finding core content
That is true many people do struggle to find their core continent and that’s why I’m gonna help provider can be really helpful to do this. My workbook also helps people to identify their core concepts and build strategies as well. I wish you all the best.
Everybody I know is married for money and practical reasons and they are lucky to be married period. I've gotton to the point where I don't think psychology is worth it's weight.
I’ve been married 11 years… I need and want my husband.
I wish my girlfriend (BPD traits and together 4 years) wants this we me
The latter. Always. :(
Please The Rocky analogy I can't focus. Boxing is so boring. Lost me at Rocky. Why do councilors use this movie.
I love burnt mushy marshmallows actually
True, when you choose to have them. Be well.
❤
DR. FOX YOU HAVE BIG BEAUTIFUL 👀 EYES!!!!!!
Thanks 😊
Can you do one on BPD and lying?
I’ll add it to the list.
God is love ❤ I no longer believe I have bpd, I have the holy spirit and I know right from wrong. This is wrong... to convince someone to question love... the psychological side of emotional response is in the moral code of each of his children. Acts 2...the Miracles and trust in his wonders and his hands he holds the world!!!The lord is faithful and he is separating the sheep from the goats. My faith is strong. His will be done. Amen!!! ❤ I praise his holy name forever and always
Idk that sounds like you're heading down a path of delusion by denying bpd because of "god". Believe in whatever religion you want, but humans can't get help from invisible made-up people as much add they can from helping themselves
@@clydefrogthestoner Wow, did you ever express what I was thinking. So, I don't have BPD, but this made me wonder if the delusions and need for a favorite person could drive someone with BPD to make their "god" their favorite person.
Honestly, that's the kind of delusional stuff I'd expect to hear from someone in a cult whose been geographically isolated, deprived of sleep, and then brainwashed. smh
Thank you Dr Daniel Fox I truly appreciate you everyday I have a psychologist and I have a psychiatrist and all that but you're amazing and I know I tell you this a lot but you are amazing and I really appreciate you and your eyes look very nice in this video thank you Dr Fox you give me hope and that's all I ever needed my whole life
my relationship with my best friend is in transition. It used to be complete emotional dependency, and there is still some there. I'm working on it. but there has always been love. and he is very patient and loving, and does not pressure me to rush through recovery. so for me, its kind of both right now.