Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇 Access my free training - jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027 ‘Road to Self’ Program: Join 10,000+ people who have transformed their lives! www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/road-to-self
This is advice might work if the family is fundamentally okay but a little controlling. In my case, both parents and sister are mentally ill with personality disorders, drug addiction and alcoholism. My mother, dad and sister lie to me and about me and have been abusive to me all of my life. Nothing--nothing works to get them to be decent; it takes me a couple of months to get over being around them. I have wasted thousands of dollars and years of effort trying to stay just minimally connected, and trying to work things out has very negatively altered the course of my life financially and emotionally. Countless counselors have advised me to get away and stay away, that nothing will change people like that. One psychologist remarked that I should have been a felon. Cutting off can be the safest, sanest option in cases like mine. I didn't fail to mature--they did.
My mom doesn't use abandonment to operate intergeneretional intimidation. She uses dark sarcasm, she uses childlike, stupid, unasked comments, she uses bad insults out of nowhere during a calm a relaxed conversation. She loves to abruptly disrupt any relaxing or joyful situation around family members, especially when she has an audience. She loves to pull all the triggers of the family members, particularly mine and my son's. She only feels accomplished when she can enchain a fight with us
This is interesting. my parents are deceased but when I talk to or get around my sister's or brother, they want me to be who they think I am. I feel like I have to fight to be me. I often leave the interactions feeling unheard and not seen. a lot of times I choose to not go to these functions because I am not accepted.
This has been my life experience. When I began to pull away and be myself they mocked and demeaned even worse, as though our change made them anger. I have cut them off completely, it only took 46 years, I have never been happier.
Abusiveness is very toxic and requires us to move back and away from the source. I am glad you are more at peace now. I hope you can resolve the feelings of being treated that way. Jerry
@@CaligalinLibrary I have a very similar experience. Randomly, or it seems random to me, my brother will interpret something I've said, or my mother will tell him something I said. He responds, even if it has nothing at all to do with him, with the most hostile, juvenile, name-calling email rants to me. It's taken me.mknths of watching these videos, reading all about family narc abuse, etc to see the patterns at work in my family of origin. I finally see that my Mom, whom I love very much, has an active, not passive, role in this and, while she tsk-tsks, shakes her head and acts like she "just can't imagine why he acts this way", she also doesn't defend me in any way. Hard to acknowledge, and even harder to figure out where I fit in any more. . . there will be lots of speculation and blame if my family and I don't all track out to the other side of the country to see narc brother's new grandbaby for Thanksgiving, for example.
I'm so thankful for this video, I see something's that have been said to me in this. And its sad when you try to go in the direction you want but your family trys to get you to go in the direction they want so they can take credit and say oh if it wasn't for us you wouldn't have that. Like what the hell??
Ty I am listening to all of your videos . I need to hear everything. This family of origin has been stuck in me for so long and I had no way to figure out what was happening. It’s such a relief to listen to someone who understands this. You are helping me after so many years of struggle and so much pain. Ty again for these free videos 😘
This video really resonates with me! But it also makes me question my part in the refusal to dance to my toxic families tune. I’ve come out of the fog after experiencing an incident that clarified to me how badly I am treated and suspect my mother is a narcissist in som way. Perhaps she has many narc traits and isn’t full blown but none the less is very cold, lacks warmth and genuine care towards me or my girls ( her grand daughters) but shows care and warmth to my brothers wife and grandsons ( golden child) oh and she hates my husband despite never having met him and now loves my ex husband despite disapproving of him when we were married for 24 years. I feel she is punishing me for daring to put distance in our relationship now and standing up for myself when the incident took place. She has employed my sister as the flying monkey and I was told by her to APOLOGISE NOW for hurting our mother ( no question about how I was hurting ). And now my brother no longer speaks to me. I would like to continue with the less and low contact and manage her and her passive aggressive silences to show her displeasure towards me and she only loves me when I’m fawning all over her and telling her everything... the fact I no longer do this does her head in and punishes me by withdrawing her love. So should I try and maintain contact so I’m the mature one in the hope that she sees this and grows warmer towards me?
I love your advice. You just put your finger on the sore and itbhelp such a lot. I 'divorced' my toxic family, esp my mother and older sisters 25 years ago and never looked back. I do not miss them ir feel I should even be at their funerals one day. Your videos helps me heal
Thank you, Jerry. Your videos have helped me so much. I am really trying to detach from my family of origin, but am afraid to say NO. This video helped me with that. Wonderful! You're awesome!
Hi Jerry, you have been very valuable in providing me with insight into my family dynamic and some of my rocky love relationships and, more importantly, how they overlap. I've always had an interest in psychology and recently I've been following Jordan Peterson and some of his Jungian ideas. His ideas provide a big picture: the grand narrative or framework that people operate within a society, usually seen on the level of dreams and myths. But there is a connection between that and the personal, everyday world we live in, e.g., the "Devouring Mother" archetype becomes the "narcissistic parents" and we move from mythological archetypes to the personal. You come in at the personal, everyday level with some great insights and wisdom. I thank you for all of that, your book suggestions and wish you the best!!!
Jerry Wise Relationship Systems Thank you for your prompt reply! I have watched your other videos and think they are great! When I got to this one I was just a little shocked ...keep up the great work!
My mum brings so many stupid problems into my life, she fights me on any dumb issue, and it turns into a reactive drama every time. I have learned not to react but im tired of her immaturity so i just will stop contacting her. For example she talk to me how i lost weight, i said i can give her the book i read she then wanted to read it so i gave it to her, then she makes an issue after saying she wants to lose weight her own way and does not want my book. I merely gave it to her because she was interested. Its like this every time with anything she will call me ask for an opinion and then act like a kid and say she prefers doing it her own way, i am so tired of it. Not only this but she gossips between family member's and acts like a victim her entire life. Its crazy.
I have had my lease threatened by my mother 6 times in the last 3 months since my emotionally neglectful and verbally abusive husband left me. Not liking the boundaries I'm setting on her meddling she is bullying everyone of them, she's threatened to take me out of her will a second time and finally made good on her that and gave me notice. I'm 48 years old and she triangles my family against me. They think I'm treating her bad. She is communicating with my "poor" bully husband without my knowledge. I'm finding out after the fact by chance. I'm being called sensitive and mental because I don't want to be cornered, called names and screamed at, and unloved any longer. I was allowed no boundaries growing up. She hit me, raged and even tape recorded me in my room as a young adult. The last time she hit me in the face I was 23.I've been black mailed by her and I still can't bring myself to expose her current and past behavior to her husband even though she had him send me the notice. he thinks I'm treating her really bad and that I'm ungrateful.
I’ve been watching your videos, they are honestly very helpful. I appreciate all the work you have done and I know these videos have reached so many people. It’s allowed me to realize my own family dynamics, as well as my partners. My partner has it much, much worse as my family is mostly the opposite of his. But I think these videos have been eye opening for him. I hope things get better with time and some therapy for him.
i have only the family i created now, but its the same weird dynamic, i am under scrutiny and told who i am, and sabotaged, scapegoated.. ignored, mobbed, assigned negative motive, shunned, punished for asserting healthy expectations. NOT how i was raising them, but i had my power / authority ripped up, and abusers were given preferential tx, family court style
This is a spot on video for me. I have been scapegoated a lot in my family of origin. As I’ve said in comments on your various videos, I am a retired police officer and my family never liked the fact I couldn’t take off work for several family functions. They didn’t understand, interestingly enough, that I was considered ‘essential personnel’ as a police officer, meaning the staffing of such a position was essential for public safety. I became essential to people OTHER THAN my family of origin- 🧐🧐 I moved to Germany after my retirement along with my husband for his overseas assignment. The abandonment that was experienced by my family of origin (I am the scapegoated, very empathetic middle child and yes! I have red hair!!!!) I digress....the abandonment experienced by my siblings in my absence has caused them to discontinue contact. We were very enmeshed as kids and for some, as adults. After my mother’s death 3 years ago, my oldest sibling seemed to become stand in mother to my two younger adult sisters. I’ve worked on even better differentiation after discovering through my therapist 3 years ago that my mother was either NPD or very high on the NPD scale. The additional changes I’ve made have NIOT pleased my family of origin and were, most likely the catalyst for my oldest sibling to angrily post on social media her displeasure with me. It was pretty ugly, but I didn’t respond in anger. I wasn’t triggered so to speak. I set out to understand how she was impacted by our mother and father. My mother was a parentified ACoA (adult child of an alcoholic) and was coerced into quitting school at 14 by her alcoholic father so she could stand in FOR HIM. I have left the door open for my family to communicate and have shared that desire in letters and texts and emails. So far, no one is taking me up on it. I am writing a book about my experience in my family of origin and the insights I have gained and the things I have learned have taken the anger I had for my mother (and father) and dissolved it. It’s very sad that any child should be exposed to such emotional abuse. I’m also studying psychology😊
Wow! I disagree completely with you that cutting off from family (abusers) is immature on the targets (victims) part! You are saying the victim needs to change???.....I have never acted like the person they think I should be (scapegoat)...I never sought revenge or returned evil for evil...or even gave mind to their smear campaigns...which in turn by the way made them and their acts even more insidious .....they treat their targets like this BECAUSE we the targets know who we are and they don’t know themselves. We are stable ,balanced, bright, functional people in society in a positive way and they aren’t and they just can’t be!! So they put their targets thru hell until the day they die to try to bring them down to the sick dysfunctional level they themselves are at and will always be at. It doesn’t matter how much the victim/target changes or sets boundaries or tries to have a serious civil conversation to work out the issues ( 99.999% brought on by them)...THEY CONFORM TO NO ONE AND NOTHING!! hearing people like you telling victims to stay and work it out , if you change they change......OMG! It doesn’t work that way, but it sure does sound good on paper and in a video. This type of advice can SERIOUSLY damage a victim/target even more keeping them in the abuse cycle ....I’m sorry but one of the worst videos you have done. 👎🏼
Hi Lily, I'm sorry this video is not about 'family abusers', it is for the many families where there is mostly neurotic reactivity, etc. I am not asking anyone to stay connected to an abuser. I am using this video as as example of the ways someone can use self-differentiation as a means of resisting and resolving family misbehavior not abuse or toxic/malignant narcissism etc. I am sorry you took it this way. There are situations in which we should stay and work it out OF OURSELVES and situations in which it would be harmful to do so. There is a continuum, this video is about the milder family dysfunction not the severe toxic abuse families. You may want to read Roberta Gilbert, Jenny Brown, Brene Brown, or Harriet Lerner on the subject. Thank you for watching and commenting. Jerry
Jerry Wise Relationship Systems Thank You...I agree with you completely, absolutely there are situations where we should work it out! And I agree with what you are saying in this very video it’s great advice for this ‘type’ of situation! I was more thinking of the people watching maybe just beginning to come out of the ‘fog’ and looking for help not knowing the difference and continue to change and jump thru hoops to their demise...I meant no disrespect. Thank You.
I understand your point, my father is such a jerk, abuser, narcissist and alcoholic. I've tried to be mature, to set boundaries, to talk, to stay silent... everything. He just won't change. He abuses me verbally via messages even if I don't answer the phone for months. I've recently decided I've had enough and I wrote him I block his number and why. I was feeling confused for a moment, just as I think you meant, asking myself if I was immature cutting him off. Maybe, because I still have many issues, but I can't see any other option. Thanks to these videos I understood my whole family is dysfunctional, but some people to a lesser extent, so the advice given here will help anyway. I'm sorry you too have an abusive family :(
this is great video but I could not maintain this. I did lots of work on myself and all 3 phases I survived, I don't live near them so that makes it easier. My problem occured when my kids were told how they need to stear me into direction of my narcisistic mum wishes ( not doing things we like to do). Grandma was litteraly directing my life through my kids before my eyes. I I cut them all off. It has been very hard at the beginning. However, many beautiful things have hapened to me and my kids since the cut off. We are moving forward with our plans and ideas and our little ways. I have to mention that my narcisitic mum spent lots of time with my kids when they were little. The impact was there, I had to somehow show them that there are different ways of doing and thinking and being. I am exhausted, but deep inside much calmer, aproaching life and any issues with ease, faith and strenght which I could not do before. I dont know if we will ever reconcile. I doubt. My kids and I have changed beyond recognition.
Yes, I completely agree with Jacob Houser, we know it quite well after so many years playing unwanted roles ( I was the scapegoat for 54 years), there is nothig we could possibly do to fix those demonic creatures, also called narcisistic families.
I don’t think Jerry is referring to abusive families… I have cutoff my family after years of scapegoating and abuse. They used to put me down so badly and have hurt me physically. No more,
Being late is actually rude, c'mon! If everyone arrives at the time they think is good for their other plans, the person responsible for the food will be heating plates and washing dishes the whole day and nobody will have a proper moment together enjoying the food. Nobody is obligated to adapt to what's good for us and abandon what's important for them as a symbol of their love too.
I can relate to the 3 things that happen when I start to change. I joined Alanon while I was running a motel for my family. I would say this about when they were ignoring me for the first step. I came to the realization that they were always ignoring me. The second step with them was they were reacting even more. The third step is that they were selling things of the business that I liked and then when that didn't work the stopped paying me, then stopped the insurance, and then evicted me out of the motel. I choose to stay away from them because they are dangerous people. That is the mature decision. The ACA response would be that I am becoming the parent that they never were.
Your discussion with Lily in the comments was wonderful. I went "no contact" as have others. But I've lacked the certainty the others have had that what I've done was the correct move. Are there more resources available to me to consume to help me struggle with this decision? (Books, articles, videos)
At about 12:50 you say "what we did not get growing up can never be met by our family of origin; it can only be met by us." Where can we find more information to develop this idea? :)
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Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇
Access my free training - jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027
‘Road to Self’ Program: Join 10,000+ people who have transformed their lives! www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/road-to-self
This is advice might work if the family is fundamentally okay but a little controlling. In my case, both parents and sister are mentally ill with personality disorders, drug addiction and alcoholism. My mother, dad and sister lie to me and about me and have been abusive to me all of my life. Nothing--nothing works to get them to be decent; it takes me a couple of months to get over being around them. I have wasted thousands of dollars and years of effort trying to stay just minimally connected, and trying to work things out has very negatively altered the course of my life financially and emotionally. Countless counselors have advised me to get away and stay away, that nothing will change people like that. One psychologist remarked that I should have been a felon. Cutting off can be the safest, sanest option in cases like mine. I didn't fail to mature--they did.
Elizabeth BRAVO!! The family sickness didn’t pass on to you.
@@kelliwhittaker7502 I'm the only one who isn't mentally ill and/or addicted so I suppose lucky is the best attitude...
We didn’t choose these people. But we must choose ourselves.
My mom doesn't use abandonment to operate intergeneretional intimidation. She uses dark sarcasm, she uses childlike, stupid, unasked comments, she uses bad insults out of nowhere during a calm a relaxed conversation. She loves to abruptly disrupt any relaxing or joyful situation around family members, especially when she has an audience. She loves to pull all the triggers of the family members, particularly mine and my son's. She only feels accomplished when she can enchain a fight with us
This is interesting. my parents are deceased but when I talk to or get around my sister's or brother, they want me to be who they think I am. I feel like I have to fight to be me. I often leave the interactions feeling unheard and not seen. a lot of times I choose to not go to these functions because I am not accepted.
This has been my life experience. When I began to pull away and be myself they mocked and demeaned even worse, as though our change made them anger. I have cut them off completely, it only took 46 years, I have never been happier.
I experience same....so tired of it....said no to Thanksgiving this year
Me too....kinda done now
Thank you. This is one of your more useful videos, you give direct counsel on how to overcome, versus just defining the issues well.
The change starts with me.
My brother writes letters of attack to me. He is abusive and controlling. I decided to cut him off. I am much more at peace now.
Abusiveness is very toxic and requires us to move back and away from the source. I am glad you are more at peace now. I hope you can resolve the feelings of being treated that way. Jerry
Thank you. It has been a rough road that is getting smoother. I've been noticing the various patterns in my family. It is an eye-opener!
CaligalinLibrary: Sounds very similar to my situation!
@@CaligalinLibrary I have a very similar experience. Randomly, or it seems random to me, my brother will interpret something I've said, or my mother will tell him something I said. He responds, even if it has nothing at all to do with him, with the most hostile, juvenile, name-calling email rants to me. It's taken me.mknths of watching these videos, reading all about family narc abuse, etc to see the patterns at work in my family of origin. I finally see that my Mom, whom I love very much, has an active, not passive, role in this and, while she tsk-tsks, shakes her head and acts like she "just can't imagine why he acts this way", she also doesn't defend me in any way. Hard to acknowledge, and even harder to figure out where I fit in any more. . . there will be lots of speculation and blame if my family and I don't all track out to the other side of the country to see narc brother's new grandbaby for Thanksgiving, for example.
I'm so thankful for this video, I see something's that have been said to me in this. And its sad when you try to go in the direction you want but your family trys to get you to go in the direction they want so they can take credit and say oh if it wasn't for us you wouldn't have that. Like what the hell??
Ty I am listening to all of your videos . I need to hear everything. This family of origin has been stuck in me for so long and I had no way to figure out what was happening. It’s such a relief to listen to someone who understands this. You are helping me after so many years of struggle and so much pain. Ty again for these free videos 😘
This video really resonates with me! But it also makes me question my part in the refusal to dance to my toxic families tune. I’ve come out of the fog after experiencing an incident that clarified to me how badly I am treated and suspect my mother is a narcissist in som way. Perhaps she has many narc traits and isn’t full blown but none the less is very cold, lacks warmth and genuine care towards me or my girls ( her grand daughters) but shows care and warmth to my brothers wife and grandsons ( golden child) oh and she hates my husband despite never having met him and now loves my ex husband despite disapproving of him when we were married for 24 years. I feel she is punishing me for daring to put distance in our relationship now and standing up for myself when the incident took place. She has employed my sister as the flying monkey and I was told by her to APOLOGISE NOW for hurting our mother ( no question about how I was hurting ). And now my brother no longer speaks to me. I would like to continue with the less and low contact and manage her and her passive aggressive silences to show her displeasure towards me and she only loves me when I’m fawning all over her and telling her everything... the fact I no longer do this does her head in and punishes me by withdrawing her love. So should I try and maintain contact so I’m the mature one in the hope that she sees this and grows warmer towards me?
Sometimes you DO need to cut off and you can do that in a differentiated way.
I love your advice. You just put your finger on the sore and itbhelp such a lot. I 'divorced' my toxic family, esp my mother and older sisters 25 years ago and never looked back. I do not miss them ir feel I should even be at their funerals one day. Your videos helps me heal
Child unmet needs can never be met by the family origin.
Thank you, Jerry. Your videos have helped me so much. I am really trying to detach from my family of origin, but am afraid to say NO. This video helped me with that. Wonderful! You're awesome!
Thanks Jerry, Your videos are much appreciated!!
You may change yourself to be even "godlike" and guess what? They will still treat you like dirt if not worse.
Hi Jerry, you have been very valuable in providing me with insight into my family dynamic and some of my rocky love relationships and, more importantly, how they overlap. I've always had an interest in psychology and recently I've been following Jordan Peterson and some of his Jungian ideas. His ideas provide a big picture: the grand narrative or framework that people operate within a society, usually seen on the level of dreams and myths. But there is a connection between that and the personal, everyday world we live in, e.g., the "Devouring Mother" archetype becomes the "narcissistic parents" and we move from mythological archetypes to the personal. You come in at the personal, everyday level with some great insights and wisdom. I thank you for all of that, your book suggestions and wish you the best!!!
I just think you should be clear that this advice is not for toxic abusive situations..
I totally agree. I have done much better at making this clearer in subsequent videos.. Jerry
This was one of my very early videos.
Jerry Wise Relationship Systems Thank you for your prompt reply! I have watched your other videos and think they are great! When I got to this one I was just a little shocked ...keep up the great work!
Lily Sunshine
well said x
Nice summary of Bowen's approach on dysfunctional family dynamics. Thank you Sir Jerry for your insight oriented approach 🙏😊
Very welcome
My mum brings so many stupid problems into my life, she fights me on any dumb issue, and it turns into a reactive drama every time. I have learned not to react but im tired of her immaturity so i just will stop contacting her. For example she talk to me how i lost weight, i said i can give her the book i read she then wanted to read it so i gave it to her, then she makes an issue after saying she wants to lose weight her own way and does not want my book.
I merely gave it to her because she was interested. Its like this every time with anything she will call me ask for an opinion and then act like a kid and say she prefers doing it her own way, i am so tired of it. Not only this but she gossips between family member's and acts like a victim her entire life. Its crazy.
She is a narcissist. Dont get emotional. Ignore her and keep limited contact. Give her little or no information about you.
I have had my lease threatened by my mother 6 times in the last 3 months since my emotionally neglectful and verbally abusive husband left me. Not liking the boundaries I'm setting on her meddling she is bullying everyone of them, she's threatened to take me out of her will a second time and finally made good on her that and gave me notice. I'm 48 years old and she triangles my family against me. They think I'm treating her bad. She is communicating with my "poor" bully husband without my knowledge. I'm finding out after the fact by chance. I'm being called sensitive and mental because I don't want to be cornered, called names and screamed at, and unloved any longer. I was allowed no boundaries growing up. She hit me, raged and even tape recorded me in my room as a young adult. The last time she hit me in the face I was 23.I've been black mailed by her and I still can't bring myself to expose her current and past behavior to her husband even though she had him send me the notice. he thinks I'm treating her really bad and that I'm ungrateful.
I’ve been watching your videos, they are honestly very helpful. I appreciate all the work you have done and I know these videos have reached so many people.
It’s allowed me to realize my own family dynamics, as well as my partners. My partner has it much, much worse as my family is mostly the opposite of his. But I think these videos have been eye opening for him. I hope things get better with time and some therapy for him.
i have only the family i created now, but its the same weird dynamic, i am under scrutiny and told who i am, and sabotaged, scapegoated.. ignored, mobbed, assigned negative motive, shunned, punished for asserting healthy expectations. NOT how i was raising them, but i had my power / authority ripped up, and abusers were given preferential tx, family court style
This is a spot on video for me. I have been scapegoated a lot in my family of origin. As I’ve said in comments on your various videos, I am a retired police officer and my family never liked the fact I couldn’t take off work for several family functions. They didn’t understand, interestingly enough, that I was considered ‘essential personnel’ as a police officer, meaning the staffing of such a position was essential for public safety. I became essential to people OTHER THAN my family of origin- 🧐🧐
I moved to Germany after my retirement along with my husband for his overseas assignment. The abandonment that was experienced by my family of origin (I am the scapegoated, very empathetic middle child and yes! I have red hair!!!!) I digress....the abandonment experienced by my siblings in my absence has caused them to discontinue contact. We were very enmeshed as kids and for some, as adults. After my mother’s death 3 years ago, my oldest sibling seemed to become stand in mother to my two younger adult sisters.
I’ve worked on even better differentiation after discovering through my therapist 3 years ago that my mother was either NPD or very high on the NPD scale. The additional changes I’ve made have NIOT pleased my family of origin and were, most likely the catalyst for my oldest sibling to angrily post on social media her displeasure with me. It was pretty ugly, but I didn’t respond in anger. I wasn’t triggered so to speak. I set out to understand how she was impacted by our mother and father. My mother was a parentified ACoA (adult child of an alcoholic) and was coerced into quitting school at 14 by her alcoholic father so she could stand in FOR HIM.
I have left the door open for my family to communicate and have shared that desire in letters and texts and emails. So far, no one is taking me up on it.
I am writing a book about my experience in my family of origin and the insights I have gained and the things I have learned have taken the anger I had for my mother (and father) and dissolved it. It’s very sad that any child should be exposed to such emotional abuse.
I’m also studying psychology😊
Wow! I disagree completely with you that cutting off from family (abusers) is immature on the targets (victims) part! You are saying the victim needs to change???.....I have never acted like the person they think I should be (scapegoat)...I never sought revenge or returned evil for evil...or even gave mind to their smear campaigns...which in turn by the way made them and their acts even more insidious .....they treat their targets like this BECAUSE we the targets know who we are and they don’t know themselves. We are stable ,balanced, bright, functional people in society in a positive way and they aren’t and they just can’t be!! So they put their targets thru hell until the day they die to try to bring them down to the sick dysfunctional level they themselves are at and will always be at. It doesn’t matter how much the victim/target changes or sets boundaries or tries to have a serious civil conversation to work out the issues ( 99.999% brought on by them)...THEY CONFORM TO NO ONE AND NOTHING!! hearing people like you telling victims to stay and work it out , if you change they change......OMG! It doesn’t work that way, but it sure does sound good on paper and in a video. This type of advice can SERIOUSLY damage a victim/target even more keeping them in the abuse cycle ....I’m sorry but one of the worst videos you have done. 👎🏼
Hi Lily, I'm sorry this video is not about 'family abusers', it is for the many families where there is mostly neurotic reactivity, etc. I am not asking anyone to stay connected to an abuser. I am using this video as as example of the ways someone can use self-differentiation as a means of resisting and resolving family misbehavior not abuse or toxic/malignant narcissism etc. I am sorry you took it this way. There are situations in which we should stay and work it out OF OURSELVES and situations in which it would be harmful to do so. There is a continuum, this video is about the milder family dysfunction not the severe toxic abuse families. You may want to read Roberta Gilbert, Jenny Brown, Brene Brown, or Harriet Lerner on the subject. Thank you for watching and commenting. Jerry
I just edited the summary of the video and I will try to put a notice on the video about this very point Lily.
Jerry Wise Relationship Systems Thank You...I agree with you completely, absolutely there are situations where we should work it out! And I agree with what you are saying in this very video it’s great advice for this ‘type’ of situation! I was more thinking of the people watching maybe just beginning to come out of the ‘fog’ and looking for help not knowing the difference and continue to change and jump thru hoops to their demise...I meant no disrespect. Thank You.
Lily Sunshine that was really cool to see how you both worked that out ❤️
I understand your point, my father is such a jerk, abuser, narcissist and alcoholic. I've tried to be mature, to set boundaries, to talk, to stay silent... everything. He just won't change. He abuses me verbally via messages even if I don't answer the phone for months. I've recently decided I've had enough and I wrote him I block his number and why. I was feeling confused for a moment, just as I think you meant, asking myself if I was immature cutting him off. Maybe, because I still have many issues, but I can't see any other option. Thanks to these videos I understood my whole family is dysfunctional, but some people to a lesser extent, so the advice given here will help anyway. I'm sorry you too have an abusive family :(
this is great video but I could not maintain this. I did lots of work on myself and all 3 phases I survived, I don't live near them so that makes it easier. My problem occured when my kids were told how they need to stear me into direction of my narcisistic mum wishes ( not doing things we like to do). Grandma was litteraly directing my life through my kids before my eyes. I I cut them all off. It has been very hard at the beginning. However, many beautiful things have hapened to me and my kids since the cut off. We are moving forward with our plans and ideas and our little ways. I have to mention that my narcisitic mum spent lots of time with my kids when they were little. The impact was there, I had to somehow show them that there are different ways of doing and thinking and being. I am exhausted, but deep inside much calmer, aproaching life and any issues with ease, faith and strenght which I could not do before. I dont know if we will ever reconcile. I doubt. My kids and I have changed beyond recognition.
Yes, I completely agree with Jacob Houser, we know it quite well after so many years playing unwanted roles ( I was the scapegoat for 54 years), there is nothig we could possibly do to fix those demonic creatures, also called narcisistic families.
I don’t think Jerry is referring to abusive families… I have cutoff my family after years of scapegoating and abuse. They used to put me down so badly and have hurt me physically. No more,
Being late is actually rude, c'mon! If everyone arrives at the time they think is good for their other plans, the person responsible for the food will be heating plates and washing dishes the whole day and nobody will have a proper moment together enjoying the food. Nobody is obligated to adapt to what's good for us and abandon what's important for them as a symbol of their love too.
Holy moly I needed to see this video a very long time ago
Your a beautiful soul thank you!
You're awesome. How do you know all of this!! It's as if every detail is right there, amazing!
🙏🏻 thank you, happy holidays
Thank you for the video!
Omg the "double life" thing. There's a mask I forgot I had on 🙄
That's a 10 ton weight offy shoulders 👣
Thankypu Jerry Wise💐
Another classic is By Paul Hauck called "the three faces of love." Addresses such matters. I think it may still be in print just excellent book
You are so welcome Michele...
Great 👍 video!! A lot of truth telling.
Glad you think so!
Thank you for watching.
Any donation would help in making these videos.
www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/donations
Jerry, love break neck speed!
I can relate to the 3 things that happen when I start to change. I joined Alanon while I was running a motel for my family. I would say this about when they were ignoring me for the first step. I came to the realization that they were always ignoring me. The second step with them was they were reacting even more. The third step is that they were selling things of the business that I liked and then when that didn't work the stopped paying me, then stopped the insurance, and then evicted me out of the motel. I choose to stay away from them because they are dangerous people. That is the mature decision. The ACA response would be that I am becoming the parent that they never were.
As adults, we are actually the only parents we have. and sometimes the only parents we ever had ❤️
@@jerrywise I agree.
I suffered that one for years..not calling me back.
Excellent content 🔥🔥
Glad you think so!
Thank you for watching.
Any donation would help in making these videos.
www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/donations
The main thing will be in changing me.
Our family is dysfunctional and we all live far apart spread over Europe. We all don't see each other on Christmas.
Your discussion with Lily in the comments was wonderful. I went "no contact" as have others. But I've lacked the certainty the others have had that what I've done was the correct move. Are there more resources available to me to consume to help me struggle with this decision? (Books, articles, videos)
Awesome!
Try being an ex Jehovahs witness shunned by whole social circle including family 😓
Enjoy the change in me.
my family has been maltreating me for years
Thank you 👍
At about 12:50 you say "what we did not get growing up can never be met by our family of origin; it can only be met by us." Where can we find more information to develop this idea? :)
Contact me at jerrywise5@gmail.com
I've had problems.with my narc son I know what has to be done and that telling him to leave my apt,but why am i scared
I am the mother of a abusive adult child is my heroin addiction made him angry
Narcissists NEVER change, to ask someone to not cut off a crazy toxic family who wouldn't mind seeing you dead is just WRONG advice
Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes family of 11 third youngest
Stay in my adult me
Too late for me they sucked the life out of me.