Dealing with Over-Serious Reactive People in a Dysfunctional Family
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- Опубликовано: 11 сен 2024
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Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC, has helped 10,000s of people heal from family dysfunction and become the true self they were never allowed to be. As a family systems and self-differentiation coach, he leverages 45 years of experience to help clients permanently break free from family-of-origin dysfunction, cultivate healthy relationships, and build a strong sense of self.
***DISCLAIMER: THIS VIDEO IS NOT INTENDED TO SUBSTITUTE FOR PROFESSIONAL COUNSELING. BE SURE TO CONSULT A PROFESSIONAL TO HELP YOU INTEGRATE AND UTILIZE THESE CONCEPTS.***
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Your content is the most brilliant in RUclips
This video blows me away. I wish I found Jerry about 50 years ago.
You're exactly where you are suppose to be on your journey. Often people watch my videos and they aren't yet prepared to relate. we all have our own pace
Sometimes, a reply I hear to me saying “Good Morning” is,
“What is so good about it?”
My reply, in the past is, “It’s good I’m alive another day!”
I get a sense of being tested and steer clear of any sense of seriousness.
Dang I grew up with a mom like this. Thank you for pointing out the most absurd and awkward behavioral issues most people sweep under the rug. This helps so much.
I’m sorry this was your upbringing, I hope my videos help you heal and grow from it🤍
@@jerrywise they do. Thank you. It helps me know what to bring up with my therapist too.
I kept saying to myself while watching that I’m over serious. That said, i think this has been my reaction to being maltreated by my enmeshed narcissistic family system in which i am the scapegoat. My seriousness has been both a form of protection, not buying in to their status quo, and brewing resentment (which I’ve learned is bc i haven’t put boundaries in place).
Thanks for posting on this topic; this is the first time I’ve come across this-the over serious person.
This video has helped me identify the way I dealt with an overreaction person and how I may have been overreactive in the past, thanks for such a clear video Jerry
Thank you so much. I'm dealing with something now, and am deeply triggered. This has helped tremendously.
I'm the over serious, reactive person. Narcs loved it! I collected so many. Lucky I now have people around me who respond in a kind way, and I got used to that.
Me too over react or retract is the definition of me
Narcissist? Maybe? I'm learning. Both that I know is enmeshed narcissist
I love the title of this video. My experience has been that when I stopped reacting that people did not want anything to do with me. It really shows that enmeshment. This goes from my family to bosses to teachers and friends etc., I think what I am hearing you talk about is detachment. There are some people that no matter what I say they will say the opposite or disagree with me. I really like that you gave many different examples and many different examples of how to respond.
I do also want to say that there are even more subtle ways that people try to get enmeshed. I am still learning how to spot those ways. I think a lot of this gets into boundary issues. I am still in the learning process about when people cross my boundaries. When do I speak up and when do I walk away.
I'm glad the video resonated with you. The self differentiation journey is about becoming clear and *constantly* defining the subtle dynamics with ourselves and others.
@@jerrywise Tony A's Step 2 talks about clarity.
Self-differentiation involves being able to possess and identify your own thoughts and feelings and distinguish them from others. This is the best definition that I could find.. I guess this would be the opposite of enmeshment. Weird how ACA does not talk about Detachment.
You help a lot of people.
3:00 look at some behaviors as an invitation to engage with the others disfunction, pulling you into their orbit.
11:25 self differentiation always raises anxiety of someone who wishes to fuse or enmesh with us, resistance
When religious people try to get an argument going by asking me "Do you believe in abortion?" I say "Has it been made into a religion now?" That ends the conversation with laughs.
This is so helpful for my career. I deal a lot with people and I can see how they do not like my style about doing things. I have always struggle how to deal with difficult people. Thank you Jerry!
You're so welcome!
Thank you for watching.
Any donation would help in making these videos.
www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/donations
This is so good. Jerry
My dad is like this in terms of wanting me to take his position. For example, if I mention a dish with something he doesn't believe is okay to eat, like shrimp, he said "Well, you know we don't eat that". And then when I express my point of view, he argues me down until I comply or just walk away. He is never wrong about anything 🙄. However, I know that I need to learn to not participate in arguments.
By admitting wrong doing in the face of an over serious person, it seems like doing so not only helps calm the situation down, but also validates the other person's feelings.
Oh man, nailed it! :o It's me, I'm the problem. I thrived in over serious places - first as a firefighter/paramedic then as an R.N. in a trauma center. Serious, intense, extreme, and chaos have been my home base. I've been catching up on your vids and am in the actual course and it's as painful seeing me in the content as it is seeing my family. Losing the comfort of serious has left me with loss as to knowing how to navigate "normal" but I'm not quitting. I'm going to walk through the whole valley. :o Ugh. I'm in the "being crushed by the burden of dysfunction" phase that comes just before you clear all that junk out and find your wings to fly.
Jerry, ypu are a Life Saver!
I'm glad my work is helping you ❤️
Not talking about content but instead noticing what they’re trying to do (getting a reaction out of you) and staying yourself without getting enmeshed with them is big.
these have to be old videos... unless you did bariatic surgery, is crazy how different you look after losing weight, much younger, brighter, overall good health.
This are old videos, I am in better shape these days 😊
I love all the examples.
You are so good at counseling. I appreciate this so much! ❤thank you
Mr. Jerry Wise.
These examples are great!
At 10:10 you mentioned “what over-seriousness has as a goal”. Thanks for sharing that observation.
My mom once declared angrily that she was canceling Christmas (because my brother and I had not yet worked out what day would work for all of us - there was no conflict between us). You could do a few more suggestions on how to handle various family drama scenarios; they are they most tricky to manage coming out of dysfunctional families - we have little to no idea how to handle them.
Jerry, I've been 3 decades in church since my youth, trying to extract the understanding how to be a decent human, have decent values and relate to others "the way God wants me to". I thought I found the answers but the life reality continued stirring me inside. Only now, as I study the lectures like your own, I started to see the light at the end of the tunnel. You know, I was looking for someone like yourself to explain it to me. I wanted to talk with an honest person who understands Christianity, psychology, sense of self and seeing through the emotional games people play... Thank you so much, Garry, for giving such valuable insights that we didn't learnt at home.
Yes, I was not only conditioned by the over-serious people but was (is?) over-serious. It's like having some lake of grief near me that I can automatically access to. Even bringing this issue helps to stop and become aware. Did I want others to enmesh? Yes, in my mind it was looking for some close friend to compensate for some human warmth that I didn't have with my dysfunctional family of origin (abandonment at 11 months, indifference, growing up with 5 family members, one at the time until 17). This emotional neglect has formed a big black hole inside and I wanted "to belong" to somewhere. This brought me to an over-serious churches where I was an active member. Today I don't want to belong, to be "real friends" and enmesh. It's going back to where I belong - my own being.
Jerry I found out that it's good to meditate while listening to your voice.😁
😍😍😏
Such great content!!! Thank you so much Jerry.
This is SO helpful! Thank you!!
Glad it was helpful!
5 years ago Jerry was on RUclips…! I only found him a couple of months ago. Finding him sooner would have been so helpful in my situation
There are some families that keep secrets from some members in their families.
It’s hard for me, cuz I love my dad but he dumps all of his negative emotions on me! My grandpa was is the C.I.A. I bet he gave my dad a really hard time. He told me that when he was in college, he had to give him all of his college job money. Since my grandpa paid his college tuition, he owed him.
Seven years ago, look how far we've come
I very much enjoy your videos- thank you for your dedication to the cause of helping people. I am half realizing what to do to deal with over reactive people and half realizing that I am sometimes over reactive!
I'm glad you enjoy my videos Rob. Those are very good realizations, awareness is key❤️
"Donna & her craziness" yes indeed 😂
VERY good, I have to work on this particular issue
Hi Jerry, thank you for your videos. I believe I have BPD and abandonment issues. Years ago I met a man who I believe has Asperger's (he masked for a few months so I didnt know) and he is OVER SERIOUS reactive person. A slight "questioning" can send him on the edge. I also noticed his vicious and cruel to me when he feels that his friendships are being threatened. We are not married and I dont plan to marry him anymore. I do have issues leaving him and I really need to. Hes started to send me videos about "anxiety and narcissim" because he believes I am a narcisist for only caring about "my feelings" (in his perception, if I dont agree w/ him, I am evil and bad, and his mind goes into a downward spiral). Can you help me?:(
It might be helpful to seek out personal professional help.
Based on this sentence "We are not married and I dont plan to marry him anymore. I do have issues leaving him and I really need to"- it might be helpful to watch this playlist:
ruclips.net/p/PLoYQTW09i3W3zXCqBQjLueNXinW8jaEkZ
Jerry, Salute!
This is excellent!
I'm so glad you thought so
I have another workshop coming up in April 10, 2021
“Overcoming Shame and Guilt with Family-of-origin Work
It will be April 10th Saturday 1-5pm EST on Zoom
Sign up on website to get info on workshops
www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/event-details/overcoming-guilt-and-shame-through-family-of-origin-work-workshop
Sign up now
I also have three other workshops for rent or sale on my website:
• Introduction to Self-Differentiation-Workshop
• Reducing Your Reactivity-Workshop
• Getting Your Family-of-Origin Out of You-Workshop
www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com
Please join as a paid member for $1.99/month on my RUclips channel, click JOIN and support the free videos on my RUclips channel, also you will get notifications of upcoming events and additional
If you sign up now, I will be offering a live broadcast with my paid members on You Tube soon…
Very useful video thanks.
You're very welcome ❤️
Thanks!
Thank you for your support!
Amazing video!
I question my mother's incessant passive comments on a regular basis, in attempt to make her think and try to clarify intent.
it seems a lot of times that a "serious" person seems to be trying to start a quarrel......
Wow,,,,this is so very helpful,,, as i am exposed to this daily,,, ,,,, and they are just what the title says,,, thanks
Glad it was helpful Shirley ❤️
Yes, staying confused is good.
Glad you enjoyed the video
Please join as a paid member for $1.99/month on my RUclips channel, click JOIN and support the free videos on my RUclips channel, also you will get notifications of upcoming events and additional helpful recovery information.
Also,
Please sign up for the upcoming workshop
“Getting Your Family of Origin Out of You”
Workshop
Date: February 6, Saturday
Time: 1pm EST - 5pm EST
Zoom
www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/events
[Even if you are not able to attend, if you sign up for this workshop, I will send you your own copy of the full workshop and the workshop notes]
What if there is a certain somebody who gets reactive exactly like in yourt anecdotal example on good morning - in the beginning of casual small talks, only more in the silent treatment way, ignoring messages in texting or sort of blacking out when face-to-face? I think I tried everything already, including talking about my feelings when they act this way and leaving them alone - going no contact (not to punish them of course but to give them space) but seems like instead of helping it only provoked the feeling of abandonment in them.
They can experienced triggering of their abandonment, but it is not us causing it
I have another workshop coming up in April 10, 2021
“Overcoming Shame and Guilt with Family-of-origin Work
It will be April 10th Saturday 1-5pm EST on Zoom
Sign up on website to get info on workshops
www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/event-details/overcoming-guilt-and-shame-through-family-of-origin-work-workshop
Sign up now for early bird price
I also have three other workshops for rent or sale on my website:
• Introduction to Self-Differentiation-Workshop
• Reducing Your Reactivity-Workshop
• Getting Your Family-of-Origin Out of You-Workshop
www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com
Please join as a paid member for $1.99/month on my RUclips channel, click JOIN and support the free videos on my RUclips channel, also you will get notifications of upcoming events and additional
Your awesome!
Thank you🙏🏻😊
pLEASE SEND ME A LIST OF YOUR FREE VIDEOS. i TEND TO BE OVER-SEROUS AND i FOUND YOUR COMMENTS TO BE MOST INSIGHTFUL, SUCH AS DIFFERENTIATING RELATIONSHIP FROM CONTENT. i TEND TO REDUCE ALL INTERACTION TO CONTENT, THEREBY MISSING OUT ON RELATIONSHIPS.'
Please contact me at jerrywise5@gmail.com I will send you information Thanks for watching
It's wonderful that you have become self aware and recognize this trait in yourself. Kudos for making it to that step. Keep up the learning experience. You will be so much more peaceful once you master those emotions. This group is with you.
@@dellatompkins3789 My growing self-awareness is a moment of my more ambitious understanding of things entitled THE MUSICAlITY OF REALITY. if you like, I could send you samples of my work. I have also made two videos with a friend indicating how the idea of the 'musicality of reality' is applicable to current topics such as COViD-19
Parece uma mulher divorciada de 45 anos tomando decisão sobre relacionamento quando quer se dar bem já que a vida tá toda errada. Teve tudo (inclusive cálculo financeiro já que considerou ele ser abastado) menos sentimento nessa escolha. Nada fofo como estão dizendo, achei bem fria e interesseira mesmo.
My narcissist dad is over serious.
I find that most of your examples are of women who are at fault.
Thanks!
Thanks!
You are very welcome Rob and thank you for the contribution!